Your pal came into some money the other day...
Perhaps we ought to start regulating your screen time,
- young lady. - Homework.
- Focus on your studies. - Kidding.
- Dating app. - Whiles you're on the clocks?
I work all day to make a buck.
Won't work all night to find a fuck.
Any luck?
- Fuck boy. - Mm-hm.
- Fuck boy. - Can confirm.
- Fuck boy. - You are correct.
I don't gots too much times for that terms.
Fuck boy? Why not?
Well, when you add S's to the ends of things
as I's tends to, that terms will lands youse jails times.
Fuck boy is the term men deserve for running with "tramp stamp."
I have plenty of times for lowers backs tattoos.
Lots of dudes do.
Alexanders.
A bladder infection means "urine" trouble.
- Yes! - What's the frequency, Kenneth?
- Just won 10 bucks. - Oh!
Straights to Boardwalks with you theres, Uncles Pennies Bags.
Don't spend it all in one place.
- Hey there, high roller. - You sound like you're envious.
You sound like you're a fuck boy.
- 10 whole bucks, eh? - Yes, 10 whole bucks.
That is my exact hourly wage.
Well, better than a kick in the pants, Alexander.
You're telling me. Welcome to easy street!
- Okay. - The land of milk and honey.
- I... I get it. - Choo-choo!
- All aboard the gravy train! - Just leave it.
The lap of luxury, the primrose path.
- A place in the sun. - Go ahead, Alexander!
Have a good laugh about it, but I just made as much
sitting on my butt as you do in an hour scrubbing toilets.
- You think I'm joking? - Uh...
No, I wasn't trying to be a dick about it,
I just thought you were making fun of me.
You've already let it change you, the almighty dollar.
Look at old Dary now, eh? He's a fat cat, a tycoon.
I didn't mean it, Alexander.
So, what now, Sir Rupert Warren Chadwick, huh?
High tea at Chateau Frontenac
with the New England Montgomerys?
- I said I didn't mean it. - Well, what's next,
Dr. Ronan Rhys Rothschild, huh?
Croquet on the palace lawn
with Lady Charlotte Imogen Alderidge?
This is just going on too far.
Let me pull up your car for you, Baron Phineas Hawthorne.
Have you selected the Bentley or the Rolls
for this afternoon's social?
- Ooo-kay. - Look who it is.
As I live and breathe...
it's the Duke of Dickbagshire, huh?
Will the Duchess be joining you this evening, huh,
or is she still summering in the Cotswolds
with the Cuntington Beach Vanderbilts?
How do you like that now?
Give my regards to Lady Scarlett Stella Rosencrantz,
you high-falutin' duck fart.
Well, fuckin'...
money changes everything.
♪
You know what I always kinda wanted?
- A koalas? - A Mustang?
- Bangs. - Docs.
- Doc Martens? - No, Doc Hollidays.
Well they ain't giving those away.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
PETE: Hellooo?
Knock-knock.
(Grumbling)
Wayne.
Katy.
Ugh.
Squirrelly Dan.
Just Daniels, there, Peter.
Darnell.
I've come to apologize. Make a truce.
Isn't he an "end of the laneway, don't come up the property?"
What the fuck's happened to you?
I think it all started when meth ripped through town in '05.
Yeah, we lost a lot of good people there.
- Lost a lot of good teeths. - Like, you're out sending
naked pictures of your sweetie around town.
"Sweetie" is ambitious.
You're hanging out with dudes like Tibadoo, who abandon dogs.
Yeah, you gotta tell Tibadoo not to give dogs human names.
And now you're out buying drugs from that new Jewish skid.
And that's just in the last few calendars weeks.
Are you still honking and hollering at girls?
Old habits die hard.
Well, so what do you think, JP?
Is this rock bottom?
- Not if you bottoms for rock. - GROUP: Hey-oh.
Well, there was a period there where I was hanging out
with the Ginger and Boots so...
(Groaning)
You guys remember that talk about the third guy
- holding down the ostrich? - Allegedlys.
You used to be, like, a pretty good guy.
- He was a real good guy. - He was a great guys.
But now, like... you're a degen.
I fell in with the wrong crowd.
You're going pretty easy on a pair of ostrich fuckers
with "wrong crowds", there, buds.
Well, I'm done with them. I'm turning over a new leaf.
Youse are my friends and...
when a friend asks for help, you help them.
You looking for work?
- Dary? - I got too many hands as it is.
- Dan? - We're pinching pennies
- with winters comings up. - Wayne?
Well, if something comes along...
I'll phone you up.
Thank you.
What a degen.
You know what, he's like a dog with his head out the window
of a moving car in all this.
Like, it's a lot of fun but it's pretty dangerous
and the only way to stop him is to roll up the window
on his fucking head.
Who are these nut sacks?
How are you now?
Oh, I see one. Listen, hi!
- Hello. - Yeah, listen, don't mind us.
I just love... you know, all this.
- 'Kay. - So listen,
if we are bugging you at all, just let me know
and we'll scoot, 'okurr'? - Okay.
Alright, newlyweds to be,
let's hold hands, 'cause we're in love,
and let's just forget what was said at the previous location.
Okay, so when I say go, I want you to start
slowly running down the road,
okay, but you're looking back at me, all right?
You're running into your future.
Okay, go!
Good.
Oh, that's cute.
(Chuckling) I'm really alone now.
That's nice. Yeah. Really great...
Hey, hey, listen, yeah,
what's in the building back there?
- All sorts of stuff. - Like, dusty stuff
- and rusty stuff? - Can confirm.
Okay, listen, I really don't want to bug you,
but can I shoot back there?
- Ooh, I don't think so. - Okay, for 50 bucks?
(Quietly) Doc o'clock, boys.
Yeah, let me show you.
Gracias.
Oh, what is this hotbed of bohemia?
We call it the murder barn.
Can I call it the murder barn?
- Listen... - Okay.
It's utopia, yet somehow dystopian.
Fruitopian dystopia.
- Hmm. - Fallopian Europa.
- Do you know any sister wives? - I...
Listen, dusty stuff, rusty stuff, cobwebby corners...
Is that a pile of sawdust with engine oil sprayed in it?
- No, I think that's blood. - You just...
you can't get this kind of stuff in the city.
Okay, firstly, listen. Thank you. And I just...
it's just, this whole thing is so antiquated and old-timey,
and secondly, I want to shoot some other clients in here.
- Mmm, I don't think so. - Another 50 bucks?
Doc o'clock.
- Congratulations, Mary-Anne. - To you as well, Lucy-Anne.
Say, Betty-Anne's still playing ball, eh?
- She'll be back. - Well, congratulations,
- Mary-Anne. - To you as well, Lucy-Anne.
We hold the keys to the regional triple A squad.
- Call me Lindsey Ruff. - Call me Mike Nocock.
No one I'd rather share the wheel with.
- Except maybe Betty-Anne. - Maybe Betty-Anne.
Well, driving is a serious business.
- Life is a highway. - Seat belts fastened?
- No. - Check our blind spots?
- Never. - Use the lane
- of least resistance? - We use the luxury lane.
- Start your engines, Mary-Anne. - Pedal to the rug, Lucy-Anne.
WOMAN: Hey.
Sami Jo Small?
That's two-time Olympic gold medalist Sami Jo Small.
WOMAN: And one silver.
Tessa Bonhomme?
That's Olympic hockey gold medalist Tessa Bonhomme.
No silver.
- You guys the coaches? - We're the coaches.
- What have you won? - Back-to-back-to-back ships.
- As players? - Back-to-back-to-back, baby.
As coaches?
We're kind of rookies.
- You're schmelts? - First-time coaching girls.
- Schmelts. - These are my cousints.
Rafaella, Donatella.
These are my cousints. Leonarda, Michaelangela.
I want my cousints to be the next two-time Olympic
- hockey gold medalists. - And one silver.
I want my cousints to be the next Olympic hockey
gold medalists. No silver.
Until we're confident you guys can get the girls Olympic ready,
we're going to help.
MARY-ANNE/LUCY-ANNE: You're going to coach with us?
No, no, no, no. We've hired someone who has won.
- To teach you two how to win. - Shannon Szabados?
- Natalie Spooner? - No.
Sure, they've won internationally,
but we wanted somebody that's won locally.
Someone who's won... locally?
No...
(Coach clearing throat)
- Names. - Donatella, Rafaella.
- Names. - Leonarda, Michaelangela.
Cowabunga.
Get dressed.
I am buying.
50 bucks? Anyone looking for a sugar mama?
- Thank you, Katy. - Round of Puppers?
- Beggars can't be choosers. - I'll take another one
of them cock-sucking gin and tonics, Bonnaroo.
What has inspired
this humanitarian effort there Katy-Kat?
a photographer came up the laneway today
wanting to take photos in the barn for a 50 note.
I said, "Any day of the week." I'm trying to get Docs.
Don't you think Docs kinda make you that guy?
Well, yeah, if they're, like, purple.
What's so good about your barn, that's what I always say.
Well, and I quote, "Dusty stuff, rusty stuff,
"and cobwebby corners."
Sounds like every barn I ever seen in my life.
- That's all I know. - What kind of a nut sack
offers a 50 note for dusty stuff, rusty stuff,
- and cobwebby corners? - This nut sack.
"Flutter Me Shutters Lenzation Sensations."
You guys will have to excuse me. I've never seen that guy before.
And I wonder if he likes sex with girls.
- Baby... - Yeah.
We've got dusty stuff, rusty stuff, and cobwebby corners.
A lot of the dusty stuff has rusty stuff right on it, baby.
Mmm-mm. Let's poach this son of a bitch.
Ah, Christ, Bonderosa! Add another ounce to this
and it still wouldn't be a gentleman's pour.
Take it, take it and go.
Okay, listen! Arms around each other!
That's right, you're in love.
Now, bride to be, bend your left knee behind you
so your foot's in the air.
Yeah, perfect!
Now give each other little peck kisses over and over.
Okay. (Laughing)
Now listen, bride to be,
take a little nap on his shoulder there.
No, take a little nap on his back.
Okay, just think like you're Goldilocks
and his shoulder is the bed that fits just right.
You're like an action figure and a little dolly.
(Phone ringing)
Hello?
Hi.
Oh. Why?
You found a better place to shoot?
Yo, guess what?
- Chicken butt. - Docs o'clocks?
The McMurray's poached my fucking business.
Eh, pars for the course.
That photographer was supposed to come back
with another couple and another fifty bucks to shoot in the barn
but McMurray stole her.
- Did he really? - Excuse me!
I don't want to bug you, but can we shoot with your puppies?
All right, but they smell like piss.
(whistle blaring)
I can't imagine how you guys feel having a man mentor you
on coaching women's hockey.
- We could just tell you. - I can't imagine it feels good.
- It doesn't. - That's why I'm glad it was me,
you know, and not somebody you don't like.
- Or respect? - Or respect.
- You got lucky. - We feel blessed.
You guys know girls as well as I do, right?
Like, if you don't keep them focused, their minds just..
Pfft! Off! You know, it's like, Backstreet Boys and pony tails
- and Tamagotchis. - Hooo-boy.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, you know,
to just keep them on their toes.
BOTH: Kick a garbage can?
No. With girls?
No, you can only launch projectiles with men.
Why?
Because women are the fairer sex.
Hooo-boy.
And because women are the fairer sex, you have to--
- Wrap this up? - Oh, hey, okay.
Lucy-Anne, looks like Mary-Anne here doesn't care
about impressing two time Olympic hockey gold medalist
Sami Jo Small.
TESSA: And one silver!
Or Olympic hockey gold medalist Tessa Bonhomme.
- TESSA: No silver! - Tessa, Sami!
Wait... Hear him out.
- (Chuckling) - Go.
- Bench 'em. - Bench 'em?
Put 'em on the bench.
It's the first game of the season.
That's when you gotta do it.
You gotta get them early.
You know, you gotta let them know.
First little lady that doesn't pick up her check
on the way back? Benched. You know?
First little diva that doesn't want to go hard to the net?
Benched. And you better believe the first little lady
who doesn't get pucks deep...
- WOMEN: Bench 'em? - Benched.
So if we're not happy with a player's effort...
Park it.
If we don't like a player's attitude...
- Have a seat. - What if it's a bit of attitude
- after a bad bounce? - Sit down.
And this applies to the whole team?
Why do you think they make the bench so big?
- What if it's the goalie? - Call a time-out,
bench 'er for it.
You're sure this won't just piss 'em off?
It's hockey. You want 'em pissed off!
- BOTH: Fine. - Lovely.
Now, seeing as you two are job shadowing me--
- You're mentoring us. - I would like a small coffee,
three cream, six sugar.
And some fries with gravy.
And guys? Gravy on the side.
And a diet cola!
I hope what they say about aspartame killing you is true.
(Whistle blaring)
Listen, the McMurrays,
they may have better dusty stuff, rusty stuff,
and cobwebby corners,
but they don't have puppies, okurr?
MCMURRAY: I always knew Katy was a tricky little dickens.
It's unethical, that's what I always say.
I never pegged her as a Docs gal,
but youse stole her business first.
Oh, just 'cause we go and jump off a bridge,
doesn't mean that's what she's gotta do, does it?
Two wrongs don't make a right, that's what I always say.
- Mmm-hm. - Who are they, Gailer?
- Never seen 'em before. - Influenzas.
- Huh? - Influenzas!
- What? - Influenzas!
They go place to place taking photos of themselves.
Chk, chk! Post 'em on the internet.
Influencers?
- Thought I heard influenzas. - Same thing really.
They're all looking for the murder barn.
What's that?
They wanna go take pictures of themselves with the dusty stuff,
rusty stuff, cobwebby corners and puppies.
So, I hear youse guys like dusty stuff,
rusty stuff, and cobwebby corners.
And as you can see, my wife, Mrs. McMurray and I
have ample rusty stuff, dusty stuff
and even cobwebby corners!
- Where's that fifty note? - Where are the puppies?
- Cassie, right? - I'm Cassie.
- I'm Tassie. - You sure?
We ain't got no puppies.
We got goats.
- Dycks? - Brethren!
T'what do we owe the pleasure?
Do you want to know what?
Dary was just saying how much he wanted summer sausage
and that got me thinking about how much I love summer sausage,
so basically, we just come by to see if we could buy
some summer sausage off youse.
I empathize with your cravings. I gobbled sausage at lunch.
Now, mine wife. Too much of one thing is ne'er a good thing.
You had a banger in your mouth at breakfast as well.
I can't help it, Noah.
Be forewarned, come supper time,
I'll be begging you to pork me.
Summer sausage and pepperettes are in the cooler
by the produce stand.
Keep them away from the children though.
They do love their father's sausage.
I trust you'll leave payment in the Mason jar as usual?
Hmm? Honour system.
Can confirm.
While ye's are in the cooler,
help thy selves to a taffy cone once.
What the fuck are youse doing?
A photographer from out Stratford offered us $50
to simply do chores in the background
while she has a photoshoot with some newlyweds to be once.
You must consummate the marriage!
Mine wife and I discussed it, and we thought, well,
we'll be working anyway, might as well make the money
that we can use to remedy our children's hearing,
which, frankly, has gotten quite poor.
(Quietly) Generation after generation of inbreeding.
- Huh? - Poo-er?
Photographers from out Stratford way keep coming,
one after the other.
I'm hoping it will relent soon.
But for now, best to get a handle on these hoes.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Listen.
I'm just gonna scooch in real close and I want you
to blow the bubbles directly into the camera.
Okurr!
Oh, mine husband.
It's been far too long since you blew in my face.
Fuck's sake.
(Sighing)
I can't compete with Mennonites.
I've got dusty, I've got rusty, I've got puppies.
I even got fucking goats.
I was told influenzas think that McMurray's goats
are a bit too squirrelly.
What the hell is wrong with that?
That's why I'm advertising goats
that were less squirrelly than McMurray's.
How's that for you?
Influenzas say they're not squirrelly enough.
(Phone ringing)
Hello?
What? Fuck off.
You know what, you do that, McMurray.
- Guess what? - GUYS: What?
McMurray says Dick-skin's throwing his hat in the ring.
He says that he's advertising goats with temperaments
somewhere in the middle of mine and McMurray's.
Is he really?
He's calling it Honey Bunches Of Goats.
- What did McMurray call his? - Show Goatin'.
And then what did you call yours?
Murder barn, so, Murder She Goat.
Right on.
Dick-skin is playing for keeps.
Yeah, McMurray says he's done fooling around.
He's pulling out all the stops in order to corner the market.
Is he really.
What youse gonna do, Miss Katys?
Compete.
- How? - I just have to figure out
what influenzas love and start advertising that!
-Fuck! I'm gonna need some help. - You wanna know what?
- Maybe you give Jivin' a call. - Really?
He used to be a pretty good guy.
- He was a real good guy. - He was a great guy.
And you wanna know what,
everybody deserves a second chance.
When a friend asks for help, you help 'em.
(crunching)
("Everybody Sexareeno" by Los Sexareenos plays)
♪
♪ Ah, here we go now ♪
♪ We got something new all for you ♪
♪ Now shake, your legs will break ♪
♪ Roll around in the mud, there'll be no blood ♪
♪ So get off your ass, and give me that sass ♪
♪
♪ And it goes like this ♪
♪ One (one) ♪
♪ Two (two) ♪
♪ Three (three) ♪
♪ Four (four) ♪
♪ Stop, everybody Sexareeno! ♪
♪ (Everybody Sexareeno) ♪
♪ Everybody Sexareeno! ♪
♪ (Everybody Sexareeno) ♪
♪ Everybody Sexareeno! ♪
♪ (Everybody Sexareeno) ♪
♪ Everybody Sexareeno! ♪
♪ (Everybody Sexareeno) ♪
♪ And it goes like this ♪
♪ One (one) ♪
♪ Two (two) ♪
♪ Three (three) ♪
♪ Four (four) ♪
♪ Stop! ♪
All right, listen, now kick your legs when you jump.
Yeah. Okay.
Again. Now more kicking.
Great, now kick them differently this time.
Oh, yeah, that's fun. Kinda out in front.
All right, now give me a series of kicks.
Just all different--
Yeah, all different kinds of kicks.
Listen, hey, you're grimacing. All right.
So let's just lighten up the mood a bit.
Stay loose. Okay.
All right, here's what we are gonna do.
This is fun, okay?
I want you to act like you just burst out laughing.
Hah! Okurr?
But actually don't laugh, right?
Just hold your face like you are about to burst out laughing.
Okay?
- (Cell phone ringing) - Oh, sorry.
Ooh. Hold on.
Flutter Me Shutters Lenzation Sensations.
Formerly Flutter Me Shutters Lensation Studios.
Formerly By Dove With Love Portraiteria.
Listen, are you serious?
Listen, thank you for the tip.
Okurr! Okurr. (Chuckling)
Okay. Come on, let's go. Let's get in the car!
We're gonna head to Donegal right now.
Letterkenny's old news.
(Engine starting)
All right, the Ninja Turtlettes are your star players,
right, so you target them first.
You know, set an example for the rest of the players.
I don't think we wanna rattle our studs.
Do you want the world's most fearsome fighting team?
- Yeah. - Then you bench 'em.
All right? Let me show you.
- Donatellis. - It's Donatella.
What did you have for your pre-game meal?
- Let me guess, pizza? - Spaghetti and meat balls.
- Perfect, Donna-T. - Whole grain spaghetti?
- No. - Oh, look!
You just filled your tummy with empty carbs, you dummy.
Have a seat. You're benched. Next up!
- Rafaellis. - It's Rafaella.
Did you have your pre-game nap?
- 29 minutes after lunch. - 'Attagirl, Raf.
Badda girl, Raf! Your body puts on weight
when you take in more calories than you burn off.
By having a nap right after your meal, you robbed your body
of the chance to burn calories, causing fat.
What was your hero in a half shell name again?
- It's Rafa-- - Benched!
- Leonidas. - It's Leonarda.
What have you got, pink tape on your stick?
- What's wrong with pink? - Hey, Lucy-Anne,
do they use a pink puck in women's hockey?
Or do they use a black puck like in real people hockey?
It's like real people hockey.
Yeah, a black puck on pink tape shows the goalie everything
before your shot.
So you use black tape to make it harder for her to see
where the puck is coming off your stick.
Hey, Lucy-Anne, I got one more question for you.
Hey who plays M in the Daniel Craig James Bond movies?
Helen Mirren?
Dame Judy Bench!
(Sighing) Michaelangela?
Where is my Michaelangela?
♪ Michael, Micka-licka-angela ♪
♪ Micha-licka angels in the outfield ♪
Meet Benedict Cumber-Bench!
SAMI: Micka-lickle-angels in the outfield?
So good. So, so good.
Too good. Joke's over.
- BOTH: What joke? - Yeah.
I was unaware there was a joke?
You actually thought we'd hire this schmuck to mentor you two
when you got two-time Olympic gold medalist Sami Jo Small
standing right here?
And one silver.
I mean, he's only won one ship. Haven't you ladies gone--
BOTH: Back-to-back-to-back, baby.
SAMI: Like, come on.
We have Olympic hockey gold medalist Tessa Bonhomme
- right here. - No silver.
Thanks for playing along. We really appreciate you.
- Was I playing along? - Just little hazing is all.
- It's all good, you know? - Yeah, thanks for coming out.
Uh, what was your name again?
- Congratulations, Mary-Anne. - To you as well, Lucy-Anne.
We hold the keys to the regional triple A squad.
Call me Lindsey Ruff.
Call me Mike No... (Quietly) ...cock.
No one I'd rather share the wheel with.
- Except maybe Betty-Anne. - Yeah, maybe Betty-Anne.
- Driving's a serious business. - Life is a highway.
- Seatbelts fastened? - No.
- Check our blind spots? - Never.
Use the lane of least resistance?
We use the luxury lane.
Then start your engines, Mary-Anne!
Pedal to the rug, Lucy-Anne!
What am I supposed to do?
- Bench! - Bench!
♪
I'm buying.
Aww, what's Donegal have that we don't have, anyway?
- A craft brewery. - No...
- They got a gin distillery too. - No...
Yeah, and that's not all.
They've got a bison farm, a "general store",
and the kicker...
Mexican Mennonites.
- Those even exist? - Can confirm.
- Exotic. - Well, I won't miss them.
All they ever drank was chamomile tea
and we give that away, so...
All they ever talked about was gummy vitamins and dry shampoo.
All while taking videos of themselves.
Yeah I guess you gotta be kinda self-absorbed for that racket.
- Eh? - Yeah.
Like, who drives around from place to place
taking photos of themselves?
Pull your finger out of your ass.
I said put your finger up my ass.
- Get a real job. - Bugger, though.
I came up just short on a new pair of Docs.
So you really wanna be that guy?
They ain't giving those away.
Money don't grow on trees. Not anymore.
Well, maybe one day.
Cheers to being done with those donkeys.
- Hear, hear. - Noah Dyck?
Gail, hello unto ye.
You know, I've never been one to frequent your establishment.
- Not even once. - What brings you by, Noah?
I came to alert ye all
that the makers of a pornographic film
knocked on my door this day and asked if myself and mine wife
would perform field chores in the background of their film,
while in the foreground, two actors fornicated.
I, of course, said "No way, Jose."
So consider yourselves warned.
There are some unsavoury characters
lurking about the community.
But I banished them. And their film! So...
You're welcome. Once.
Hey, Dyck!
What kinda car are they driving!
KATY: What's his name?!
MRS. MCMURRAY: What's the address of the email?
("Fraud in the '80s" by Mates of State playing)
re
re a
re ali
re alive
re alive ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ You could surely try to be more alive ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪