A fuckin' cross‐fitter gave ya the stink‐eye
flippin' tires down the street trying to look hard.
Buddy, you're softer than a Cinnabon sampler.
You kiss your friend's older sister once who
who tastes like Fisherman's Friends
then you better do horn to that memory ever since.
You woke up with your horn looking out the window
but you gotta be at work in 20.
So it's now or never.
Well, I should say.
We're all excited that the Leafs are doing betters and all's.
But if they think's you're payin' a buck‐twenty
for upper bowl seats, they can suck my babcock.
You ripped a game of Buck Hunter so fuckin' immaculate
that bar has brought you in through the kitchen ever since.
Your gal likes goin' for long drives,
chit‐chattin' around town like gas ain't a buck‐forty.
With zero regard for the amount of lawns
you gotta mow to fill the cocksucker.
Your pal squeezed into the same section
of a revolving door behind you one time and you're still pals.
But, like,
you're not about to sit beside him at a fuckin' campfire.
Jivin' Pete says his new gal
looks like a young Shania Twain
and you just don't have the Timbits to tell him
that she looks more like Post Malone's fucked Dion Phaneuf's.
You know it's tits‐up for your ball team
when the opposing pitcher's got arms so big,
he could throw a cotton ball over a barn.
You knew your pal had come into money
when he started throwing out perfectly good pistachios,
like he was above cranking 'em open
with a box cutter like the rest of us.
You're pretty sweet on your new gal,
but if she forgets to close the third door of your truck
before the passenger door one more time,
it's fuckin' over. I've had it.
You caught a whiff of a gals
that smelled like campfire smokes
and that shit's got ya stiff as a week‐old Slim Jims.
Your friend's dad gets so mad sometimes, he hollers "fuck,"
but doesn't pronounce the C‐K at the end, he's so squirrelly.
So it sounds more like "fu"!
Fu! Fu!
And I think that's
pretty fu‐ckin' funny.
You guys drink too much.
Said buddy with the bloody nose
from hooverin' shneef off a sandy beach towel.
(SNIFFS)
So, what have you's been up to?
Rap game! I'm Fire Marshall Mathers.
Oh, let's hear it.
♪ Mo' fuckin' pussy bitch still on the hind tit
♪ Licking less lick clit shit, whoa! ♪
Whoa. Whoa.
Got the streets a bubblin'...
Where's Stewart?
Your pal added comic relief to your sister
catching a line drive
in the womanhood at softball by sayin'...
Right in the twiffer!
Still not laughing.
BOTH: Twiffer! (LAUGHING)
It's a bad look if I'm not smokin' hot.
At least I'm smokin' pot.
You can say with confidence,
the hockey players are still a couple of dumb fucks,
because now after a goal they go holler...
He shoots, he sca... He shoots, he sca...
So there that is.
Crosby sca... McDavid sca...
Any more wisdoms while we gotchas?
Yes.
A, B, C, Always Be Lifting!
Also, road games.
Sometimes,
there are two buddies to a room,
but there's only one bed.
Golden rule, you can sleep pole to pole.
And hole to hole.
But, you can't sleep...
BOTH: Pole to hole.
You put the dumb in wisdumb, don't ya's?
You and your sister were bickering...
We spat about, I don't know what...
When she said...
I could argue till the cows come home.
She pointed at 'em in the yard,
out the kitchen windows.
Fuck, let's not let supper get cold.
BOTH: Twiffer. (CHUCKLING)
Still not laughing. Fuckin' inbreds.
Inbred hot chili peppers.
Washington Inbredskins.
Cincinnati Inbreds.
Inbred Riding Hood.
Inbred Lobster?
Can we get this rig rolling?
Inbredy, set, go.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Thanks for making the trip this weekend.
Thanks for making the trip last weekend.
Look forward to the trip next weekend.
(CLINK)
You remember McMurray, eh?
Don't think he'd let me forget him if I wanted to.
Let me, uh... Let me bend your ear on something. Here...
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Could have guessed.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Um...
You were gonna bend my ear?
She was being a bit of a cow, eh?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
So anywho, McMurray told me
that he was at the airport one time
and he seen a dude in the washroom at the urinal.
And he was working his iPad while he...
Pissed? Rocked one, yeah.
You can say it. Just don't make a habit of it.
Texas‐sized 10‐4.
The dude was at the airport
with his iPad on top of the urinal
and he was working on it while he rocked one?
Can confirm.
What could be so urgent?
That's what I said. I said, "What could be so urgent?"
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Then I said, "Like, who is this nut sac?"
Or who does this nut sac think he is?
Here's the thing that I'm going to tell you.
Now, I've really come land, sea, and air at this...
'Kay. ...over time.
There's only thing that could be so urgent...
Checkin' in for his flight?
Hard no.
Uh, a lot of airlines over‐book
their flights anticipating no‐shows.
And if you don't check in you're hooped.
But still, to be at the airport,
at the urinal, on your iPad, with your...
Dick out? Your horn, yeah.
Dick. Won't make a habit of it.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
To be at the airport, at the urinal,
on your iPad, with your dick out,
there's got to be more at stake than a missed flight.
Have you ever missed a flight?
No. Me neither.
'Kay. Bet it sucks, though.
Still, airport, iPad, urinal, dick out...
Like let's get real here.
You get real. You get real.
The dude's important.
Or he's got someone really important to answer to,
if his iPad work couldn't wait till after he rocked one.
Big time.
What's he putting into the iPad is what I want to know.
L'il help? L'il help.
Wanna know what he's puttin' in the iPad?
I can tell you what he's putting in the iPad.
Here's what he's putting into the iPad.
The codes.
"The" codes?
Those codes.
That's a thing that could be so urgent.
That's the one thing that could be so urgent.
What a goof.
To be at the airport at the urinal,
with your iPad, your dick out...
Silly. This nut sac
is one in a chain of commanding political figures
with access to the codes
to green light a nuclear strike.
That's who he is.
And he had to get his portion of the codes in immediately,
so that the warheads could take flight.
Why's he firing a warhead?
Well, someone would have had to fire a warhead first, right?
You know, if I'm that dude at the airport,
with my dick out, working on my iPad,
I mean, the whole fuckin' world's at stake.
There's multiple warheads?
Both sides would have to have warheads in the air
or projectiles, if it's nuclear war, yes.
Those are some stakes.
What else could be so urgent?
Not much else could be so urgent.
So the other three in the political chain of command
had already entered their portion of the codes
and they just needed,
we'll call him Gary,
to enter his portion of the codes.
Hmm... What?
Wonder how Gary's working it?
What are we talking about here,
the iPad or the... Or...
Both. Both?
Curious as to whether he had
one hand on his horn and one on the iPad.
Because if he's pissing hands‐free,
then he'd get the codes typed in much faster.
Oh, way faster.
(SCOFFS) At least twice as fast.
Yeah, and he's in a hurry for sure,
'cause of the codes. Yeah.
Jean‐Claude.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Jean‐Lance.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)
Jean‐Claude...
Jean‐Lance...
(SPEAKING FRENCH WITH AMERICAN ACCENT)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Go sit down and drink your beer.
What if I don't?
Well, then I'd have to put my beer down.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(MUSIC INCREASES IN TEMPO)
(MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY)
You's got's a semi.
(GROANS)
Yep, don't lay down for a nap on the couch
without's a pillow for your lap.
Probably didn't want me walkin' in here
seeing you all half‐torqued like that.
Nope.
Probably no fun for the dog
to have to climb over your thicksie's
just to give you a kiss in the face.
All right. Come on, girl, why don't we go?
Let's leave the half‐blood prince to his little sleeps.
Good nap?
Great nap.
Nap with me?
Well, I just kind of had a nap.
Then we don't need to sleep.
(GIGGLING) Okay.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Sure we can't convince you guys to sign with the summer squad?
I got a pen you can borrow. You know the one.
Take my writing utensil.
We got a big hole at the center
and it needs to be filled.
Back end's tight, but we need to be deeper up front.
Let's talk depth. Show you a thing or two.
Join our energy line.
Keep those fuckin' feet moving.
I'm so fuckin' serious right now.
Daxi. Ronsy.
How about all the tail around here, boys?
Late June rush at the gymski.
It's all the college and uni kids home for the summer.
Home to work their summer jobs.
I got a job you can work. Let's fuckin' do it.
The gettin's gonna be good for a couple of months ferda.
Summer's the goodest time for gettin'
and the gettin's about to get got, get it?
Got it. Good.
But what say we make it interesting?
Oh, it's already interesting.
Jesus... I'll say, boys.
I'll say, I could jerk off right here.
I swear to fuckin' God.
But tell me, are you two looking to fall in love
or just fall in the sack?
Buddy. Sack.
Thought so.
Think you can fall in more times than us?
Fall in the sack? Yeah.
With girls? Duh.
Like can we take down more babes than you?
Can you take down more babes than we can take down dudes?
I'm gonna jerk off right here, I swear to fuckin' Christ.
Buddy, no contest.
Save your money, boys.
Are... Are you guys like married though?
We just wanted to buy a house.
Tax breaks there.
We still smash all sorts of ass.
Never smashed so much ass in my life.
Cool. Cool.
So fuckin' cool.
But you're confident you smash more?
Girls? Duh.
Absolutely. First of all,
there aren't that many gay dudes in Letterkenny.
You'd be surprised.
Small town kids going to school in the big city?
Out of the small town,
out of the closet, boys. Mmm.
And second, we get like... Take downs.
Sometimes, wake up in the morning and it's just like,
start having a take down.
There's been like a handful of times, actually,
where I have to take a good look in the mirror about take downs.
REILLY: Sometimes,
during the middle of a take down thoughts creep in.
So, we got a deal?
Yeah, deal, totally.
Cool. Our total take‐down tally
versus your total take‐down tally.
Deal. What do the winners get?
Case of beer? Case of beer.
Love a case of beer. Deal. Case of beer.
Here's to the opening gay ceremonies, boys.
Boys in for the ceremonial fuck drop.
I know a good horn section for the event.
Why don't ya give it a little toot?
Come on, give it a little blast.
I'm gonna have sex with some girls!
ALL: Ferda!
(GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING)
Bonnie. Wayne.
Hi there. Hi, dare.
I'll have the pinot noir, please.
(IN FRENCH ACCENT) Is that what you'll take, then?
Not a good look, Bonnie.
Beer?
Please and thank you.
She was being a bit of a cow, eh?
That's McMurray's sister. She comes by it honestly.
She's pretty.
Oh, she's a lovely girl, for the most part.
So much petty hostility between English and French.
Yeah, it's a bit obnoxious, isn't it?
I'm glad we agree on that.
As long as we can also agree
that French toast is a waste of time.
So are English muffins.
There ya go.
I was thinking about the dude
McMurray saw at the airport.
There's a lot to unpack there, eh?
You're Gary. Mmm‐hmm...
You're one of the four. Mmm‐hmm.
Your secretary calls and says the country needs the codes.
It wouldn't be a secretary. Eh?
It'd be one of the other three.
I think you're right. I'm for sure right.
The other three wouldn't likely trust Gary's secretary
with news of incoming projectiles.
Marie‐Fred, you don't trust
the fuckin' secretary with the projectiles.
The secretary wouldn't have been sworn in
like the other government officials.
Who knows who the secretary's working for?
Secretary could be workin' for anybody.
There'd be protocol in place. It would be in writing.
That information would be so classified.
You know how classified that information would be?
Super classified?
One tier up. It'd be ultra classified.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Do you wanna know what?
I'm just gonna come right out and say it here.
If I'm one of the four,
I get that information from the horse's mouth
or you're not getting the codes.
Wanna take about 20% off?
Yeah, I'd take about 20% off 'er.
So, you're Gary. Mmm‐hmm.
One of the other three
commanding government officials says,
"We need the codes. Stat. Mmm‐hmm. Mmm‐hmm.
"This is it, Gary. Nuclear war!"
Jesus Christ, it's nuclear war.
What do you do?
I'd piss myself.
Bingo. I'd have to go,
at the very least.
Of course, you would.
I don't know if I'd be able to hold it.
But I'd be sayin', "Whoa...
"You'd better fuckin' hold onto her."
It's an appropriate physical response
to news of incoming warheads.
It'd be alarming.
But let's not forget, you're Gary.
Yeah. Yeah.
You've got responsibilities if you're Gary.
You've got the codes.
Whole country's counting on you if you're Gary.
Women and children, the elderly.
So, you're Gary, you get the call for the codes...
You say holy shit... You'd say holy shit...
I'm gonna piss myself... But it's nuclear war.
And despite nuclear war, all this at stake,
Gary's still pissing while he puts in the codes.
You wanna know what?
What?
The washroom had to have been right there.
It had to have been right there.
He might already have been in the washroom.
I think he was already in there.
You're Gary, you're in the washroom, you get the call,
need the codes. I'm gonna piss myself.
And he got his iPad out as fast as he got his dick out?
He was for sure already in the washroom.
Might've already been on the iPad.
Well, that solves it! It was a convenience thing then.
You're Gary, you're in the washroom, you get the call,
need the codes. "Well, I can get you the codes,
"but I'm gonna piss myself."
And he got the codes in,
but didn't piss himself because...
BOTH: Because he was already in the washroom.
Jesus Christ,
the world could use a couple of more Garys.
I think we've sleuthed it out, partner.
Bless ya for tryin' on "sleuth,"
but, uh, yeah, I think we have sleuthed it out, partner.
How's your French coming?
Well... (SPEAKING FRENCH)
The only thing is...
We'd know if there was
a nuclear strike that was intercepted.
Like, it'd be in the news.
Ah, come on. That many projectiles in the air?
Let's get real here.
Warheads or not,
we'd know about it. Like, we'd know it happened.
Yeah. The government wouldn't want us to know,
but someone would leak it.
I'm looking at the secretary.
Beer for you, Wayne.
Thank you, Bonnie.
And da pinot noir for 'er.
Ew. Too French.
Bonnie...
Why don't you go sit down and drink your wine?
What if I don't?
(IN FUNNY ACCENT) Den I'd have to put my wine down.
It's bush party season, boys.
'Tis the season.
Seasons greetings.
You know, I'm gonna make some Caesars with the girls
and get geared up for a gooder.
Oh, I'd have a Caesar.
KATY: You can't really see a Caesar and not want a Caesar.
DAN: That's actually how they market Caesars.
Wayne?
Dary.
Can I bend your ear about something?
What are you, a bender?
Good one. Heard it from a cow.
I know it's impolite to kiss and tell, but...
I wouldn't say that's universal, but, okay.
Between us girls. Yeah, between us girls.
You ever thrown so much hip in your life?
Between us girls? Yeah. Between us girls.
I've never thrown so much hip in my life.
How much hip we talking?
I'm talkin' like I'll be
halfway through a bowl of cereal and...
Hip. Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
Same for you? Oh, yeah.
Is that right?
Between us girls?
Of course, between us girls.
I feel like we met,
I punched in
and I haven't punched out.
Can I ask you something?
Of course, good buddy.
You feel like you're gettin' any better at it?
I feel like I'm gettin' a lot better at it.
Me too.
And I kind of feel like I was a bit of a novice
with the whole thing before.
I feel that way, too.
I feel like with some of the gals
I'd done some yessin' with in the past,
they might have thought, "This guy's a dabbler."
Dary, that's exactly how I feel.
Like, I feel like they might have seen me as a hopeful,
at the very least.
Or like, maybe I was just apprenticing at the time.
I kind of feel like I might be a bit of a headliner now.
Really? Oh, yeah.
What are we talking, like large theaters or stadiums?
Well, large theaters for the time being.
But like, if you can keep going at the rate
you're going, you'll be destined for, like...
BOTH: Bigger venues. Yeah.
That's exactly how I feel.
That's how I feel, too.
MARIE‐FREDERIQUE: Who wants a Caesar?
Oh, I'd have a Caesar.
Can't see a Caesar and not want a Caesar.
ANIK: That's actually how they market Caesars.
Is Stewart gonna DJ this bush party?
Wanna know what? I haven't seen that
fuckin' nut sac in the longest time.
I wonder where he's off to.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)