[Dean Martin's Ain't That A Kick In The Head]
(Buddy) People kill themselves for lots of reasons.
Me? I just have two.
[grunts] ¶ How lucky can one guy be? ¶
All I need is one day. Hand to God.
I am getting a big inheritance tomorrow from my uncle Doug.
He made his money in tires. High-end radials,
not that cheap crap.
Take his balls.
Whoa, whoa. Can't we start with a pinky?
Guys, come on.
Oh, you a dead man, Buddy!
One: I don't have long to live anyway.
Hey, LeeAnne, you know how you're always saying
- we should take a vacation? - Mm-hmm.
Let's go. Right now.
Oh, god, what did you do this time?
Nothing. Look, I'll take you to Vegas.
We'll sit by the pool. I'll take you to some shows.
Buddy.
All right, look. I'm in serious trouble.
There's some guys after me. We gotta leave town.
How can you pull this crap on me now?
You know that my mother is coming to visit.
I'm sorry, baby. But we gotta go.
- No. - What?
Buddy, I love you, but I can't live like this anymore.
LeeAnne, it'll get better. I promise.
How many times have you said that?
And it never does.
I'm sorry.
We're done.
And two: I have nothing to live for.
[tires screech]
(man) Stop!
Don't!
Whatever the problem is, it is not worth
killing yourself over.
How the fuck do you know?
Wait, wait!
I-I know about despair.
A month ago I had nothing.
No job, no friends, or family to speak of.
Now I am on my way to a new job in a new city.
Look, pal. I'm gonna jump anyway.
There's no reason to bore me to death.
The point is that it is never too late
for redemption.
Have you thought about asking God for help?
I don't believe in God.
I am sorry you feel that way, because God provides.
You just have to seize the opportunities that he gives you.
Yeah, well, maybe in my next life.
Good luck on the new gig.
No, no, please, please, please.
What do you care?
You don't give a shit about me.
Yes, I do.
I'll prove it.
Hey, what are you doing, man?
I'm gonna come over there so we can
both come back toge-- [screaming]
[water splashes] Oh, shit!
Oh, God!
Whoa!
[car beeping]
(man's voice echoing) God provides. You just have to seize
the opportunities that he gives you.
[cell phone rings]
Hello?
(Dora) Jonathan?
Hi, it's Dora.
Oh, my gosh, it's so nice to finally hear your voice.
Just wondering where you are.
Uh, St. Vincent Bridge.
(Dora) Good, you're on schedule.
What do you say I meet you at the house
tomorrow morning, 10 a.m.?
Why not?
What's that address again?
[Canned Heat's Going Up The Country]
¶ I'm goin' up the country ¶
¶ Baby, don't you want to go? ¶
¶ I'm goin' up the country ¶
¶ Baby, don't you want to go? ¶
¶ I'm goin' to some place where I've never been before ¶
¶ I'm gonna leave this city ¶
¶ Got to get away ¶
¶ I'm gonna leave this city ¶
¶ Got to get away ¶
¶ All this fussin' and fightin', man ¶
¶ You know I sure can't stay ¶
(Buddy) My plan was to take over Jonathan Barlow's life
for a few days till I figured out my next move.
Or until I got caught.
Which could be a matter of seconds.
(Dora) Well, hello there.
I'm Dora.
Yeah, come on in.
You know, you're different than I pictured you.
Yeah, how's that?
I don't know. You're just--
You're more... rugged.
[clears throat]
- Thanks, I guess. - Yeah.
Nice place.
Ahh, I'm so glad you like it.
We hope you enjoy living here for a long, long time.
Wait... This is mine?
Yes, I specified in my emails that we would provide housing.
One of the perks of the job.
So tell me more about this job.
Oh, I imagine it's pretty much like your last one.
So, if you'll follow me.
In here is my office area.
As your assistant, I am usually here from 9 to 5.
But I have my own key, so you don't have to worry about me.
You like birds, huh?
You know me already.
Listen, I don't mean to be too forward,
but do you think that you could give me
a sneak preview of what you're gonna talk about on Sunday?
- Talk about? - In your sermon, Reverend.
- Jesus Christ. - I assumed that,
but what aspect?
I think I'd rather leave it a surprise.
A man of mystery.
I like it.
[laughs]
So, what do you say?
You ready to meet the church staff?
Ready as I'll ever be.
[Aretha Franklin's Son Of A Preacher Man]
¶ The only one who could ever reach me ¶
¶ Was the son of a preacher man ¶
¶ The only boy who could ever teach me ¶
(Dora) This is Alden Schmidt, he is our Church President.
Alexa Cummings, she's the Treasurer.
And Russell Kerry, he is our Secretary.
(Schmidt) Uh, Reverend Barlow--
Oh, he prefers Jonathan.
Actually, you can just call me Buddy.
It'll be easier for all of us to remember.
Well, um, as you may know, uh, Buddy,
we have spent the better part of a year
searching for Pastor Willis' replacement.
So we're very excited that you're here.
Super excited.
Still, we need to talk about what happened in Florida.
What do you mean?
Well, the--the problem that you had
with your last congregation.
We appreciate you being up-front with that.
Oh, yeah, well, honesty is the best policy,
especially for a man of the cloth...
Which is what I am.
I, for one, think you were very courageous.
It can't be easy for a religious leader to come out.
Of what?
[laughs]
[laughing] - Oh, that. Yes.
Don't worry, you won't face any harassment here.
We are very proud to have a gay pastor.
And super excited.
That being said, again,
we are a conservative congregation and we prefer
to uphold the tradition of Ladner Trinity Lutheran Church.
Uh, what tradition is that?
Well, uh, the gay men and the lesbians
be allowed to serve as clergy as long as
they remain sexually inactive.
Not a problem.
Oh, so you're not planning on engaging in any...
homosexual activities?
You have my word.
Excellent.
All right, come on then. We'll take you on the tour.
Okay.
Not everyone feels that's a hard and fast rule.
Okay.
"LeeAnne, please forgive me. I had no choice. Buddy."
We found that in the front seat of his vehicle
tucked into his wallet.
I can't believe he jumped off the bridge.
Really?
Oh, St. Vincent is the second most popular place
to commit suicide in the country.
People come from all over to do it.
Some even take a bus or a cab just to--
Tim.
Had Mr. Dobbs shown any signs of depression lately?
No, but he was scared.
He said some people were out to get him.
What people?
I don't know.
Even if he jumped, it doesn't mean for sure he's dead.
- Right? - The fatality rate is 98%.
When he hit the water he was going 86 miles an hour,
so there's a good chance his neck would have snapped
or his skull would have been crushed.
Tim.
The good news is, between the sharks and the tide,
we're probably never gonna find his body,
so you're not gonna have to see how mangled he got.
That's your idea of good news?
If we have any further developments,
we'll give you a call.
You call.
Not him.
[mellow music]
(Buddy) I knew I couldn't fool these people for long,
so I figured I'd empty Barlow's bank account,
and get out of here as fast as I could.
But first I had to crack his password.
Jonathan, my friend, looks like you had a good life.
Sorry it had to end.
Now how the hell do I get your money?
Come on, Rusty.
[computer bonks]
[knocking at door]
Come in.
- Hi-ya. - Hi.
Marla Simmons, a congregant,
is here to see you.
She says that it's a personal matter.
Send her in.
To your bedroom?
Uh, no, that would be wrong.
Where did Pastor Willis meet people?
In the study.
Let's do it there.
It's my son Jasper.
I think he's headed on a path to Satan.
That sounds kind of dark.
I found this in his room.
I think it's marijuana.
High quality too.
How do you know that?
Missionary work in Jamaica.
I'm scared, Reverend.
Jasper has always been such a good boy.
But lately he's got problems. He needs help.
Look, just because your son scored a bag of
what appears to be Blue Dragon Ultimate Kush
doesn't mean he's on a path to Satan.
It's not just that.
I came home and found him having relations with...
A girl?
A woman?
Boy?
Cantaloupe.
[laughing] Cantaloupe?
I'm--I'm sorry, how does one...
He said if you bore a hole in the fruit,
and put it in the microwave,
it provides a sensation of being with a woman.
That works?
I don't know.
I just thought maybe you could talk to him,
- set him straight. - Me?
He needs a male role model, please.
Okay.
I'll give it a shot.
Well, thank you.
What should I do with this?
You don't need to deal with this burden.
Leave it with me.
[inhales deeply]
Hello?
Oh, my God.
They got everything, my iPhone, my laptop, Buddy's TV.
Clearly whoever did this isn't aware of Mr. Dobbs' demise.
I'm afraid they might come back.
They always do.
And that's when things get really ugly.
Um, who said you could take one of my sodas?
I told you not to bring him.
I have to.
He's the captain's nephew.
Listen, I know you've been having
a really tough time lately.
If you ever need to talk or maybe get a drink...
Are you shitting me?
My apartment is trashed,
the man I love is dead because I wasn't there for him,
and you're hitting on me?
Dude...
Inappropriate.
(Buddy) The melon bangers weed was primo.
I thought about all that had gone down in the last 24 hours,
and my mind kept coming back to one thing.
I had to let LeeAnne know I was all right.
[line ringing]
LeeAnne--[coughs] It's me.
I'm alive.
LeeAnne?
[knocking at window]
I saw your light on.
Hey, how's it going?
Yeah, I'm sorry to bother. I--
Are you okay?
Your eyes are very red.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm just--I'm tired.
May I come in?
[sniffs]
Oof, what's that smell?
[sniffs] Uh, I think it's a skunk.
Boy, must be right under the house, huh?
Yeah, why don't you have a seat?
- Oh, thanks. - What can I do for you?
Well, it's my daughter Isabella.
She and her husband have been having terrible
financial difficulties. It's affecting their marriage.
She says they fight all the time now.
Oh, that sucks.
Well, I am one who believes that in times of crisis
it's God's word that pulls us through.
- Yes. - And I was hoping
that you could help by giving them some scripture.
Some what?
Scripture.
Oh, scripture. Sure.
I love that stuff. It's awesome.
Reverend, could you give Isabella a passage
from the Bible, please?
Yes, I can do that.
I just--I don't have a Bible.
[stammering]
Oh, good. There's one.
I know just the passage.
Here.
I think she'll find this very helpful.
All right.
At--Well--This is--
It's just a list of people who begat other people.
What has that got to do with Isabella's financial problems?
I can't do all the work, my son.
(Buddy) I had a feeling Schmidt was onto me.
But I couldn't run with no money,
and I still hadn't cracked Barlow's password.
So I thought I'd take one of his credit cards for a test run.
I'm sorry, I can't swipe a credit card
without a picture ID.
It's okay, Chelsea,
you can make an exception in this case.
This is Reverend Barlow, our new minister.
I'm sorry, Reverend. Um, I-I didn't know.
Not a problem.
Throw 100 in cash in there too, okay?
Thanks, Alexa.
You remembered.
How could I forget?
Here you go.
Oh, bless you.
So, I have to ask, why would a good looking,
young minister choose Ladner of all places?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
Well, let's just say when the man upstairs
tells you where to go, you don't argue.
Well, I'm so glad you listened.
So am I.
Oh, hey...you.
Funny we should run into each other.
I was just gonna invite you to dinner.
- Dinner? - You eat, don't you?
And I cook. So, kismet.
It'll be a great way for you to meet
some members of our community.
Oh, so there's gonna be other people there?
Yes, silly, I'm not asking you on a date.
And we should get together too.
As head of the welcoming committee, it is my job
to make sure you feel at home here.
I thought Dora was chairman of the welcoming committee.
We're co-chairs.
Well, I should get going.
I'll, um, see you around.
Bye.
What are you doing?
He plays for my team.
I am not so sure about that.
I'm not so sure about those shoes.
(Schmidt) I'm telling you, there is something off with this guy.
We all know that you were against hiring a gay pastor.
No, it's not that.
He didn't even seem to know what scripture was.
Or maybe you're just looking for any excuse
to find fault with him. Excuse me.
Or maybe hiring someone sight unseen over the internet
was a bad idea.
Do you wanna spend another year looking for a new pastor?
Because I don't.
Now, I have been corresponding with Reverend Barlow
for weeks and all of my instincts tell me
that he is a good man.
Yes, and we all know how good your instincts about men are.
Alden Schmidt, for a Christian,
you can be very hurtful.
Oh, Dora.
You make a fine three bean salad.
Yes, I do.
[knocks on door]
(Mrs. Simmons) Jasper, Reverend Barlow's here.
[knocking at door]
Didn't you hear me?
You see, he just ignores me.
Why don't you give us a minute alone?
Hello, Jasper.
So you're the new homo pastor
everyone's got such a hard-on for?
It's nice to meet you too.
Your mom came to me because she's concerned about you.
You mean concerned I'm banging cantaloupes, right?
Among other things.
Why do you think you do that?
'Cause mangoes are too small
and watermelons fall apart too easy.
But why fruit?
This may shock you, Rev,
but despite my movie star looks, I don't get a lot of ass.
So why not?
Because it's freaking out your mother
and she seems like a decent lady.
Yeah, well, she's a controlling, neurotic bitch!
You have any idea how lucky you are to have
a parent in your life?
I cannot wait to get away from that woman.
Yeah, when is that happening?
Soon as I finish high school.
61 days.
Okay.
This is how it's going down.
When you leave this house you can smoke weed
and pound all the produce you want.
But for the next 61 days,
you're gonna be a model son.
And why is that?
Because you may not know this,
but there's a special place in hell
for little snot-nosed bastards
who disrespect their mothers.
And if you don't start treating her better,
I will personally use all my clout with the big guy
to make sure you fry your ass off for all eternity.
You can't do that.
Oh, no? Try me, you little shit.
What's it gonna be, Jasper?
Two months of good behavior
or eternal fucking damnation?
You don't sound like any preacher I've ever met.
I'll take that as a compliment.
And you sure don't seem gay.
Well, I don't know what you think a gay person
is supposed to seem like,
but make no mistake,
I like cock.
(Buddy) Come on, Jesus, be the password.
[computer bonks]
Hey, thought you were gone.
Oh, no, just ducked out for a sec.
[microwave beeps]
Oh, I'll get that for you.
Oh, no, no, that's okay.
You--
Why are you heating up a cantaloupe?
And why is there a hole in it?
Why do you think?
To put ice cream in it?
Yes!
Yum.
[police radio chatter]
Huh.
I wonder what this is about.
(Buddy) My time was up. I had two choices:
Tell the truth and face murder charges
when no one believes my story,
or make a run for it.
[upbeat music]
¶ ¶
- Buddy? - [screams]
Hey, I saw this wounded bird.
I was gonna pray over it.
Oh, no.
It's okay. He walked it off.
May we have a word please?
Yeah.
This is my son-in-law Michael.
Uh, he has something to say to you.
You tell everyone you're a pastor?
But I know what you really are.
You do?
You're a psychic.
I mean, how else could you know?
- Know? - That Isabella and I were
fighting over when to have a baby.
That's what you meant by giving us
that Bible passage, right?
That the time is now?
So you got that, huh?
[doorbell rings] - Ooh, I'll get it.
I've been telling her that you can't let money
decide when you start a family.
But it took your passage to convince her.
I had to come over and thank you.
You're welcome.
What did you say to my son?
Uh, just some stuff.
Do you know what he did after you left?
He said he was sorry.
Then he hugged me.
He hasn't done that in years.
You're a miracle worker.
Oh, now now.
I'm just God's humble servant.
And to think, some people weren't even sure
you were qualified.
Gloating is unbecoming, Dora.
Yes. Yes, just...
feels so good.
It is such a blessing to have you here, Reverend.
Oh, that's funny.
That's the word that you always use
in your emails, blessing.
(Buddy) And suddenly, I knew Jonathan Barlow's password.
12,400 bucks.
Not a fortune, but enough to hit the road with.
But where should I go?
Back to the city and all my debts?
Some place as far away as possible?
[cell phone rings]
- Hello. - Buddy?
It's Russell.
You've got the whole town buzzing.
About what?
(Russell) All the good you've been doing.
Everyone's just so happy you're here.
You know what?
So am I.
[gospel music]
(Buddy) Maybe the real Jonathan Barlow was right.
Maybe it is never too late for redemption.
Even for a screw-up like me.
[cell phone rings]
- Hello? - Hi, it's Alexa.
I wanted to plan a big welcoming party
and I'd love to get your input.
Are you free? Can I come over?
Uh, sure.
Stop it.
You are a gay pastor, and she is one of your flock.
This is just about a welcoming party.
[knocks at door]
Hello, Buddy.
[Canned Heat's Going Up The Country]
¶ I'm goin' up the country ¶
¶ Baby, don't you want to go? ¶
[soul music]
¶ ¶