1
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,966
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

2
00:00:56,139 --> 00:00:58,057
Hey, babe.
So happy to see you!

3
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:01,226
Hi! I got your flowers.
That was so sweet of you.

4
00:01:01,394 --> 00:01:02,895
Of course.
Well, I know you're finishing

5
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:04,438
your Global Health
paper today

6
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,023
and you've been working
really hard on it.

7
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:10,194
Well, I'm almost done,
so, maybe

8
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:14,782
you want to come over
and Netflix and chill and...

9
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:16,241
What?

10
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,203
You mean you want to fuck?

11
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,246
I did not say that! (LAUGHS)

12
00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:22,456
Oh, my God!
I know.

13
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,124
No! I was being
more subtle than that!

14
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:25,209
I know. I'm sorry.

15
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:27,544
Yes, I am so down for that.

16
00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,421
It's been like
three fucking days.

17
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,174
My balls are
so blue right now,

18
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,801
like dark blue,
Uh-oh.

19
00:01:33,885 --> 00:01:34,968
like almost black.

20
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,096
No, I'm fucking serious.
Here, check it out.

21
00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,598
I believe you.
(LAUGHING) I believe you.

22
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,766
Okay.

23
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,851
I'll see your
almost-black balls later.

24
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:43,936
Cool, Steph.

25
00:01:44,020 --> 00:01:46,063
Come over any time after 6:00.
Okay, hun?

26
00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:48,107
Okay. Dude,
we are going to Netflix

27
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,859
and chill this shit so hard.

28
00:01:51,027 --> 00:01:54,071
<i>Peaky Blinders. Kimmy Schmidt!</i>

29
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,614
Movember's over.

30
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,575
Time to shave the pornstache.

31
00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,537
<i>Sorry. Making a Murderer!</i>

32
00:02:01,704 --> 00:02:03,122
<i>Narcos!
(LAUGHING)</i>

33
00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:06,041
<i>Stranger Things!</i>

34
00:02:06,209 --> 00:02:08,544
Black balls!

35
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,562
SCOTTY: Anyways,
Ned followed his dreams

36
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:28,522
and turned a run-down
old printing press

37
00:02:28,606 --> 00:02:29,940
into the industry
powerhouse

38
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,151
known today
as the Fleming Company.

39
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:33,819
(ALL CHEERING)
Best boss in the world!

40
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,029
The Fleming Company!

41
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:37,406
SCOTTY: We're talking

42
00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,575
brochures for
Steelcase furniture,

43
00:02:39,742 --> 00:02:41,869
half the specialty jobs
in Grand Rapids

44
00:02:41,953 --> 00:02:45,539
and who could forget
the Domino's Pizza circular?

45
00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:47,916
(WHOOPING)

46
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,835
But before all that...

47
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:53,172
Ned met a young Michigan
Wolverine, Barbara Welsh.

48
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,048
How did this
older guy get me?

49
00:02:55,216 --> 00:02:58,719
Ned took her on their first
date to see his favorite band...

50
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:02,014
Kiss!
Kiss!

51
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,432
My favorite band, too!

52
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:04,850
Rock and roll!

53
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,351
A few years later,

54
00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:08,729
the stork brought
my sister, Stephanie.

55
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,189
ALL: Aw!

56
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,024
WOMAN: She's so cute.

57
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,860
SCOTTY:
They weren't close at all.

58
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,404
Oh, dropping her off at school. Yeah.

59
00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:20,115
Then came me, Scotty F.

60
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:21,366
Did we have another child?

61
00:03:21,492 --> 00:03:23,327
I forgot about that second
baby. Oh, we had another child.

62
00:03:23,494 --> 00:03:24,620
Anyways, Big Cheese.

63
00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:27,831
I'm sorry, guys.

64
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,917
I promised myself
I wasn't gonna do this.

65
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,376
ALL: Aw...

66
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,086
But I love you, Dad.
Happy Birthday.

67
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,213
Way to go, Scotty!

68
00:03:34,297 --> 00:03:35,797
I love you, too, buddy.

69
00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:37,216
Thank you. Wow!
(ALL APPLAUDING)

70
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,468
That was fantastic.

71
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,386
We've got
one last surprise for you.

72
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:42,930
That's right.
Ladies and gentlemen,

73
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,765
live from her dorm room
at Stanford...

74
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,767
it's my sister, Stephanie!

75
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,186
(ALL CHEERING)

76
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:50,687
<i>Hi, everyone!
Hey, honey!</i>

77
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,607
Hey, Steph!
Hey, it's Kevin!

78
00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,359
STEPHANIE: Hi, Kevin!
Kevin.

79
00:03:55,526 --> 00:03:57,319
Can we see?
Sorry.

80
00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:59,196
<i>Hi, Momma.
Hi!</i>

81
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:00,405
<i>Hi, Dad.</i>

82
00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:01,740
<i>The birthday boy.</i>

83
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:02,950
Hey, honey.

84
00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:04,868
<i>You guys look like
you're having so much fun.</i>

85
00:04:05,036 --> 00:04:06,536
<i>And I wish I could
be there with you.</i>

86
00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:08,288
She's so sweet.

87
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,748
Yeah.
Get out.

88
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,042
<i>Yeah, I just wanted to say,
Dad, that I love you.</i>

89
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:13,502
I love you, too, honey.

90
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,920
<i>I love you more.
No, you don't.</i>

91
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,213
Love you to the moon
and back.

92
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,090
<i>I'll let you win this round.
Okay, Pops?</i>

93
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,383
(LAUGHS)

94
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,301
<i>Even though you're now like...</i>

95
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:23,679
<i>...ancient.</i>

96
00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:25,138
<i>You are still...</i>

97
00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:26,390
<i>What are you doing here?</i>

98
00:04:26,557 --> 00:04:28,016
<i>LAIRD: You asked me
to come over.</i>

99
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,559
<i>STEPHANIE: You're early.
I said after 6:00.</i>

100
00:04:29,727 --> 00:04:30,769
<i>LAIRD: All right.
Give me a sec,</i>

101
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:31,937
<i>I'm on the phone.
LAIRD: Got it.</i>

102
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,146
<i>STEPHANIE: Sorry.
It's just my friend. Anyway.</i>

103
00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:36,692
<i>(SINGING)
Happy birthday to you</i>

104
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:38,819
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my goodness.

105
00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,112
<i>Oh, Laird, what are you...</i>

106
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,280
<i>LAIRD: Go finish your call.</i>

107
00:04:41,364 --> 00:04:43,282
<i>I'm just getting ready
to Netflix and chill, baby.</i>

108
00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:44,783
<i>No, not now, Laird.
Oh, my goodness.</i>

109
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:45,909
LAIRD: Kimmy Schmidt!

110
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,035
<i>STEPHANIE:Pull up your pants.
Marco Polo.</i>

111
00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:48,912
Oh, my God!
(ALL GROANING)

112
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,581
How do you make it stop?
(CAMERA CLICKS)

113
00:04:51,749 --> 00:04:52,958
Whoa, whoa, Mom,
you just took a screenshot.

114
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,460
<i>Happy, happy birthday
Happy, happy birthday</i>

115
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:56,628
Kevin, help her out. Kevin.

116
00:04:56,713 --> 00:04:58,797
<i>Happy birthday, happy birthday</i>

117
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,382
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(BARB SCREAMING)

118
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,764
(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

119
00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:13,645
<i>Mi oh my,
it's a wonderful life</i>

120
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:18,525
<i>It's a wonderful life
with you by my side</i>

121
00:05:18,609 --> 00:05:22,195
<i>Mi oh my,
it's a wonderful life</i>

122
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:26,992
<i>It's a wonderful life
with you by my side</i>

123
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,660
Hey, there he is.
Happy birthday, Big Cheese.

124
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:29,828
Thanks, Jim.

125
00:05:31,205 --> 00:05:32,706
Jerry.
Hey, Ned.

126
00:05:32,790 --> 00:05:33,874
Fun dinner last night.
Hey, Jerry.

127
00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:34,958
Thanks. Lou.

128
00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:36,376
Hey, Cheese,
can I have a minute?

129
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,253
Sure. Good morning, Joyce.

130
00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,838
Great party.

131
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,631
Hold all his calls.

132
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,510
NED: You gotta
be kidding me.

133
00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,429
Big Lots is
bailing out on us?

134
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,306
We've had that account
since '06.

135
00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,266
They're moving all their
print work to China.

136
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,434
Oh, God.

137
00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:55,395
Cheese, we're already getting
pummeled by Evite, Stamp-Free

138
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:56,938
and the rest of those
dot-coms.

139
00:05:57,106 --> 00:05:59,649
And at this rate,
we'll be Chapter 11 by March.

140
00:05:59,817 --> 00:06:01,068
What about
Dick's Sporting Goods?

141
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:04,112
Well, I mean, I'm still
trading calls with my guy.

142
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,239
But, Ned,
can I be honest with you?

143
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,949
I can't keep this
from Patty much longer.

144
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,869
Lou, haven't I
kept us going?

145
00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,789
Yeah. I mean,
it's what you do.

146
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,541
I just need a little
more time. That's all.

147
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,710
You are the maestro.

148
00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:21,088
Maybe you'll pull off
a Christmas miracle.

149
00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:23,548
Yeah.
Yeah.

150
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,926
By the way, good job keeping
that game face last night.

151
00:06:26,010 --> 00:06:27,010
Oh. Thanks.

152
00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,387
That was some
shindig, man.

153
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:29,471
Yeah, it was fun.

154
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:31,139
Well, till the kid
had his farter

155
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,682
all over the screen
in 3-D.

156
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,017
I was like, "Whoa!

157
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:35,477
"That's a lot, man. "

158
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:36,645
NED: And get this...

159
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,355
Stephanie now wants us
to fly out...

160
00:06:38,523 --> 00:06:41,149
to meet the man behind the
crack over the holidays.

161
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,776
With everything
that's going on here,

162
00:06:42,860 --> 00:06:43,944
that's the last thing
I want to do.

163
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,445
Well, hold on now.

164
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,155
This is the first
serious boyfriend?

165
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,408
Yeah. Apparently.

166
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:52,619
I mean, it's so strange.

167
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:56,039
I mean, Stephanie and I
have always been so close.

168
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:58,917
And yet she has never even
mentioned this guy.

169
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,377
That's the way
it goes, Cheese.

170
00:07:00,545 --> 00:07:02,921
I thought I knew everything
about Lou Junior,

171
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:04,256
when he was down
at Ohio State.

172
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:05,799
Out of nowhere,

173
00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:07,759
he comes dragging home
this Buckeye

174
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,762
that he's been dating
for over a year.

175
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,305
No.
Yeah.

176
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:15,142
Nice girl, but still.
She's so controlling.

177
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,310
I'm sorry.
I don't mean it like that

178
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:18,895
because I don't know her
that well.

179
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,272
But I don't like her.

180
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,690
I don't.
Lou.

181
00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:23,358
It's just what happens,
you know?

182
00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:25,485
Lou, what is the point
of all this?

183
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,195
Go out there and meet him.

184
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:29,281
I know we going through
a lot right now

185
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,826
but hell, Lou Junior is talking
about getting married in May.

186
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:33,910
Married.

187
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:36,079
Once they're not
under your roof,

188
00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:38,206
there's no telling
what they're into.

189
00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:39,791
Oh, uh, that reminds me.

190
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,209
He does want you
to speak at the wedding

191
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,670
and say some kind words.
Oh.

192
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,214
I told him that I would
talk to you about it.

193
00:07:46,382 --> 00:07:48,967
And they'd like to get married
at your house in the backyard.

194
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,052
Well...
But anyway...

195
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:55,307
I'm just saying you might want to
get out there and meet this kid.

196
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,725
Because, I mean,
you saw it.

197
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,144
You saw it,
he's a free spirit.

198
00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:00,896
You mean...

199
00:08:01,063 --> 00:08:02,606
You heard him
come into the room.

200
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,524
He came in there guns blazing.

201
00:08:04,692 --> 00:08:07,777
He had that revved up energy
where he was like...

202
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:09,070
bow-bow-bow-bow.

203
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:11,406
He just wants to go
and go and go...

204
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:13,700
and just morning,
noon and night,

205
00:08:13,784 --> 00:08:15,202
and "Stephanie, here I am.

206
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,913
"Stephanie, here I come.
I'm coming again. "

207
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,664
I remember being that age,
don't you?

208
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,166
Just always ready.

209
00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,752
(EXCLAIMING)

210
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,337
(TIRES SCREECH)

211
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,967
<i>(WOMAN SINGING)
Come on, it's lovely weather</i>

212
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,220
<i>For a sleigh ride
together with you</i>

213
00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:35,305
Thanks for coming.

214
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:40,727
Oh, gosh,
it is so gorgeous here.

215
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:43,021
I'm very excited that
you guys are all out here.

216
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,189
BARB: We're very excited.

217
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,941
There's a few things that
I wanna tell you about Laird

218
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:49,027
that I didn't feel like getting
into over the phone because...

219
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,362
Watch, honey...

220
00:08:50,863 --> 00:08:51,947
You missed our exit.

221
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,365
STEPHANIE: Actually,
I missed it on purpose.

222
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,950
Laird and I thought,

223
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,661
it'd be better if we all
stayed at his house.

224
00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:58,787
NED: His house?

225
00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:00,664
When did this come up?
Did you know about this?

226
00:09:00,831 --> 00:09:04,084
Are you sure
his parents have enough room?

227
00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:05,460
I mean, he doesn't
live with his parents.

228
00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,046
Honey, we're not gonna be
comfortable at some crash pad.

229
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,590
He lives by himself.
It's not a crash pad,

230
00:09:10,758 --> 00:09:12,300
but it's much nicer
than the Sheraton.

231
00:09:12,468 --> 00:09:13,927
NED: Nicer than
the club floor?

232
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,387
I smooth-talked the manager.

233
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,514
We got a suite
at the regular rate.

234
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,641
What? That's what I'm
talking about, Big Cheese.

235
00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:21,434
That is impressive.
We have to turn back.

236
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:23,186
Free continental breakfast.
Yes.

237
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,688
Mint on the pillow,
turndown service,

238
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:25,897
all things available
at the Sheraton.

239
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,399
I mean, is your lover
going to have that?

240
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,818
Your lover? Your lover?

241
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,945
We already all know
that you've seen his penis.

242
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:33,113
STEPHANIE: What?
Scott!

243
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:34,197
SCOTTY: What?

244
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,951
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

245
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:41,496
<i>Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening</i>

246
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:42,956
BARB: Well, this is cute.

247
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,874
STEPHANIE: Actually,
this is the gatehouse.

248
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,585
NED: Gatehouse?

249
00:09:46,794 --> 00:09:49,921
<i>A beautiful sight
We're happy tonight</i>

250
00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,006
SCOTTY: What the heck?

251
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,300
Is that
a facial recognition scanner?

252
00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:55,552
Mmm-hmm.

253
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:56,845
That's so cool.

254
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:02,434
<i>Gone away is the bluebird
Here to stay is the new bird</i>

255
00:10:02,518 --> 00:10:04,144
The hedge is moving.

256
00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:08,106
<i>He sings a love song
As we go along</i>

257
00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:10,734
<i>Walking in a winter wonderland</i>

258
00:10:10,818 --> 00:10:13,903
Honey, who exactly
are you dating?

259
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:15,822
Laird started this company
called Guerrilla Gang.

260
00:10:15,990 --> 00:10:17,407
You play Ape Assassins,
right?

261
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:18,742
Are you kidding me?

262
00:10:18,826 --> 00:10:20,118
Yeah, that was my jam
in the eighth grade.

263
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:21,286
Great, that's him.

264
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,496
So, he makes video games?

265
00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,206
SCOTTY: Apps, Dad.
STEPHANIE: This is it!

266
00:10:25,374 --> 00:10:26,791
BARB: This is his house?
Mmm-hmm.

267
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,336
Are you sure this isn't
an Apple Store or something?

268
00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:30,754
(IN A GERMAN ACCENT)
Oh, my God.

269
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,255
What is up, you gang?

270
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:33,632
STEPHANIE: I know!

271
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:35,759
The Flemings are here.
You have arrived!

272
00:10:35,926 --> 00:10:37,719
Hi, buddy. Hi.

273
00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,429
Hello, sweetheart.

274
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:42,557
Don't touch anything.
How was traffic?

275
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:43,642
It was okay.
Hi, they're here!

276
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:44,726
NED: Hello.

277
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:46,144
Hello to you, Ned Fleming.

278
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:48,772
Barbara.
Yes.

279
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:51,107
You are perfect.

280
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,276
Well, thank you.
Oh, my God.

281
00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:54,986
And this must be the main man.
Scotty, huh?

282
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,155
Yup.
All right. Hey. (LAUGHS)

283
00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,032
Who are you?
STEPHANIE: Gustav.

284
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,575
I am Gustav. Yes.

285
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:03,078
I never know
how to describe you.

286
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:06,331
Um, well, estate manager
is cool, Stephy, yes.

287
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,499
That works.

288
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,876
I used to run
the Four Seasons group in Asia

289
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,461
but after some point,
you know,

290
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,171
the corporate life becomes
a bit of a snooze-fest.

291
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,173
You know, "Tiffany's this,
Cartier that. "

292
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:17,717
But, you know. Just dot,
dot, dot. Enough already.

293
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:19,469
You know what I'm
talking about, Ned.

294
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,804
Oh, yeah. Sure.
(GUSTAV LAUGHS)

295
00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:21,971
Boring.

296
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,682
Where's Laird?
Laird is upstairs.

297
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,600
He is just finishing
a teleconference.

298
00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:26,726
He'll be right out.

299
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,269
Oh, okay.
Why don't we go up then?

300
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,354
Laird, I'm Ned.

301
00:11:29,438 --> 00:11:30,438
No, no, no.

302
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,523
No, this is Randy.
That's not Laird.

303
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:32,607
He's our intern.

304
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,027
Just graduated
summa cum laude at MIT.

305
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,987
So Randy, shake a leg.
Get their luggages.

306
00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:39,322
Yes, sir.

307
00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:43,076
The motherfucking Flemings
are in the house!

308
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,160
Yes!

309
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,038
This is fucking awesome!

310
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,124
Get up here.
I'm so psyched to meet you.

311
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,293
Family, baby.
Fuck yeah!

312
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,004
Oh, my God.

313
00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:56,506
Scotty.

314
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,759
Yes, my brotha!
Welcome.

315
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,177
Hey, Barb.
Hi.

316
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,888
Oh.

317
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:05,974
Welcome.

318
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,059
Hey, Ned. All right.

319
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,602
Oh, yes.

320
00:12:10,479 --> 00:12:12,021
Yes.
Yes.

321
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,481
Yes.
So glad you're here.

322
00:12:13,649 --> 00:12:14,858
Yes.
Hey. Hi.

323
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:16,067
Hey, baby.
Hi.

324
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:18,903
I fucking missed you.

325
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:21,197
Why aren't you wearing a shirt
on your body?

326
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:22,282
Oh.

327
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,451
Don't worry about that.
I have a little surprise.

328
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,287
Let's stay half an hour and
then we go back to the hotel.

329
00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,038
That's a good plan.
Thank you.

330
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:30,540
Dad, come on.
This place is so sick.

331
00:12:30,666 --> 00:12:32,459
Yeah, it's sick.
25 minutes.

332
00:12:32,543 --> 00:12:33,543
That's it.

333
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,175
Hey! Just leave her alone.

334
00:12:40,342 --> 00:12:41,718
Hey, oh, Ned. Ned.

335
00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,304
Ned, would you look at that.

336
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,847
That's your face, Sis.
Oh.

337
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,182
Very good likeness.

338
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,391
Oh, thanks. Yeah.

339
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:51,186
The Stephy tattoo. I got it,
like, a week after we met, right?

340
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,937
One week. You know, right on my heart.

341
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,315
Great. Okay, do you guys
want to go see the house?

342
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:56,524
Uh...
We probably should...

343
00:12:56,692 --> 00:12:58,693
We came to stop and say hey.
Yeah. We should go.

344
00:12:58,861 --> 00:12:59,861
Actually, no.

345
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:02,614
No. Before we go, um...

346
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,407
I have a little surprise
for everybody.

347
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,701
(EXHALES) Shit.
I'm fucking nervous.

348
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,036
Do you want to
consult me about it?

349
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,120
You want to talk to me
before you...

350
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,289
You know what? No, I'm just
jumpin' in. All right?

351
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:12,457
I'm just going to do this.

352
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,334
Laird, it's going to be
fucking great.

353
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,085
Ta-da!

354
00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:17,837
Oh, my God.

355
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,256
I just got it done
this morning

356
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:21,966
SCOTTY: Yeah.
I bet it's red, huh?

357
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:23,218
I need a little feedback.

358
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,428
Is that our Christmas card?
Yes.

359
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,264
Yeah! That's exactly what
I used. How'd you know?

360
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,474
Look, he even got
Noodle in there.

361
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:30,809
Hurt like balls.

362
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,395
Gosh, it says "Happy Holidays"
and everything.

363
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:35,647
What?

364
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,690
Get the fuck out of here.
Okay.

365
00:13:37,858 --> 00:13:39,108
It says "Happy Holidays?"

366
00:13:39,276 --> 00:13:40,276
Barb, fuck you.

367
00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:41,653
God damn.

368
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,530
I gave the guy
the Christmas card.

369
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:44,989
I didn't know he put
"Happy Holidays" on there.

370
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:46,533
Wow.
Fuck.

371
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:48,493
Guess it's stuck on there,
huh? (LAUGHS)

372
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,911
Oops.
Fuck.

373
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,996
Well, you know,
you guys were coming over...

374
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:54,916
I was so excited, I just had
to do something, you know?

375
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:57,669
Well, that is something,
all right.

376
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,547
You know what? Sometimes, you
just got to say, "Fuck it. "

377
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,673
Fuck it!

378
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,841
You should...
Laird,

379
00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,926
this is a 15-year-old child.

380
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,511
So, we don't really...

381
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,221
Oh, shit.

382
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,598
You don't say fuck?
SCOTTY: No, Mom, I...

383
00:14:10,766 --> 00:14:11,766
Heck yeah, I cuss.

384
00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:12,976
No, you don't.

385
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:14,143
You do?
Yeah.

386
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:15,687
Oh, he cusses.
No, you don't.

387
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,021
Yeah, bro, what's your
favorite cuss word?

388
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,106
Oh, boy.

389
00:14:18,190 --> 00:14:19,274
Don't egg him on like that.

390
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:20,400
What's your favorite?

391
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:23,069
Uh...
NED: Hmm.

392
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,363
Titties.

393
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:26,823
Titties? Titties.

394
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,116
Stop it. Stop that.
(BARB SIGHS)

395
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,701
Titties? Classic.

396
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,870
Okay. We should be going.

397
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,538
Nice one. What else you got?
Asshole.

398
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,081
LAIRD: Asshole.
All right. That's enough.

399
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,249
Okay. Another good body part.

400
00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,834
What else?
Dicking. Double dicking.

401
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,460
Double dicking.
Okay.

402
00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:40,837
Wait. Hold on.
Double dicking?

403
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,547
Are you happy?
That's a new one on me, bro.

404
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:43,673
What the fuck is that?

405
00:14:43,799 --> 00:14:46,050
What the hell is that?
Is that like dick to dick?

406
00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,470
Okay! Good night!
We're going to the hotel.

407
00:14:49,638 --> 00:14:52,765
This kid is nasty
and I fucking like it.

408
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:54,225
Yeah.
Yes!

409
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:55,852
All right, let's do the tour.

410
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:57,061
I'll show you around!
All right?

411
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:58,479
Just throw your shit anywhere.

412
00:14:58,647 --> 00:14:59,898
You little double-dicker,
come on.

413
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,024
Throw your stuff anywhere.

414
00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:02,317
By the way,
I'm a huge fan.

415
00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:03,735
I'm part of
the online Ape Army.

416
00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:04,819
Awesome.

417
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,405
You know, this is what I was
trying to tell you guys in the car.

418
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,115
This is okay here?

419
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,367
Do you want to
take your coat off?

420
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:13,119
Uh, no.
Nope. I'm fine.

421
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,579
(BARB SIGHS)
Come on, guys.

422
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:16,664
All right,
so this here's the kitch.

423
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,291
This is where
we keep the food.

424
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:19,459
The dining room.

425
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,295
That's a sculpture
of a couple people fucking.

426
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,714
(STEPHANIE SQUIRMS)
Painting of a fat squirrel.

427
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:26,549
And this one's called
"Triple Team,"

428
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,009
self-explanatory.

429
00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:30,428
All right. This is the den.

430
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,431
These dudes are just
testing out video games.

431
00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:37,393
Ned, Stephy says that you're
pretty serious about your bowling,

432
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:40,355
so I had
a couple lanes installed.

433
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:42,190
STEPHANIE: Oh, my God.

434
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,316
BARB: None of this was here?

435
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:44,400
No.

436
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:47,528
You said you were fixing
a crack in the foundation.

437
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,280
Is that us?

438
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,866
Yeah, I got the images off
your league's Facebook page.

439
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,201
SCOTTY: That's so insane.

440
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,828
Dad, look, he even got in
your signature "crotch chop. "

441
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:57,830
Oh, yeah.

442
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,040
STEPHANIE: Wow.

443
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:01,209
LAIRD: All right, this here
is where we develop a few apps

444
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,252
for the Apple and
Android platforms.

445
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,171
Hey, gang,
say hi to the Flemings.

446
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:06,422
Hey, guys.
Hey, what's up?

447
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:09,384
Wait, I don't understand.
Do your employees live here?

448
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,345
Uh, maybe some of them do.
I don't really know.

449
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,556
Gustav is actually
an amazing architect.

450
00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,266
We designed
this place together.

451
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,394
BARB: When did you
go to Machu Picchu?

452
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:21,479
Hun, when did
you put these up?

453
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,356
What the heck is that moose?

454
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,691
That's a Phillip Manfredi.

455
00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,067
LAIRD: Great pick-up, Barb.

456
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,278
Stephy told me that you're this
amazing art and photography professor.

457
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,030
That's awesome.
STEPHIE: Mmm-hmm.

458
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:34,450
I teach a couple of classes
at a local community college.

459
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,077
Don't be so modest, Mom.

460
00:16:36,161 --> 00:16:38,121
You're an amazing
photographer.

461
00:16:38,288 --> 00:16:40,289
Oh, that looks like
a real dead moose.

462
00:16:41,208 --> 00:16:43,793
Well, that's exactly
what it is, Ned.

463
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,671
A dead moose
suspended in its own urine.

464
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,464
It's meant to
symbolize the way

465
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,842
that our culture
has imprisoned our minds.

466
00:16:52,094 --> 00:16:53,094
Oh.

467
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,595
I got to tell you, Ned,

468
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,015
great art really
gets me aroused.

469
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,726
It's actually
a very strong aphrodisiac.

470
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:00,852
Laird.

471
00:17:00,936 --> 00:17:03,354
Not that you need any help getting
turned on by that gorgeous woman.

472
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,647
Honey.

473
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:06,441
What? Your mom
is beautiful.

474
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,484
She is. She deserves
some props for that.

475
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:11,654
Well, I'll take a compliment
wherever I can get one.

476
00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:14,073
Well, here's another one.
You got a bangin' bod, too.

477
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:15,199
BARB: All right.

478
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,576
Hey, what's going on,
everyone?

479
00:17:16,744 --> 00:17:18,327
LAIRD:
Richard Blais, everybody.

480
00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,998
This is the maestro
of molecular gastronomy.

481
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,666
Oh, my God.

482
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,002
That's that cute one
from Top Chef.

483
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,795
Oh, he's the one
who goes, "Bam!"

484
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:31,257
No, that's Emeril.
He's a fucking dick, that guy.

485
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,675
Dickie Blais what's up?

486
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:36,429
Yeah, so Laird thought it would be
a fun idea to do a pop-up restaurant

487
00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:37,638
just in your honor tonight.

488
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:39,307
Did he?
Yeah.

489
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,184
And I have here
a little amuse-bouche.

490
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:43,144
So if anyone's looking for
a little pre-dinner snack,

491
00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,395
you can head on up here.

492
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,230
Count me in,
'cause I'm famished.

493
00:17:46,315 --> 00:17:47,315
All right.

494
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:48,483
There are so many surprises.

495
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:49,567
(CHUCKLES)

496
00:17:49,651 --> 00:17:50,651
I know.

497
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:51,861
You're hungry, you've come
to the right place.

498
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,529
I've got surf
and turf for you.

499
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:54,781
Steak and lobster.

500
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:56,074
Yum, yum.

501
00:17:57,034 --> 00:18:01,120
My version of surf and turf,
edible soil and plankton foam.

502
00:18:01,288 --> 00:18:02,747
Dig in.
Oh.

503
00:18:02,873 --> 00:18:05,208
Wow, can't wait for dinner.

504
00:18:05,375 --> 00:18:06,375
No.

505
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:09,670
Hey, so I think
it's going great, right?

506
00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:11,714
I think they've already
accepted me.

507
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:14,300
I'm getting a little bit
of a different vibe.

508
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:15,927
Oh, really?
Like what?

509
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,386
Don't try so hard.

510
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:18,846
I'm not,
what do you mean?

511
00:18:19,014 --> 00:18:20,932
You put in a bowling alley
for my dad

512
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,976
and you got a tattoo of my
entire family on your back.

513
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,394
Oh.

514
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,521
Was the tattoo too much?

515
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:27,730
Yes.
Fuck.

516
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:30,441
Shit, I knew it.

517
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,068
Yeah, Gustav said
the same thing.

518
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:33,319
Okay, don't worry...

519
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,405
I won't get any more tattoos
of them while they're here.

520
00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:37,657
Thank you.
Okay.

521
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:38,866
I love you.

522
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:41,285
I love you, too.

523
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,373
Okay.

524
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,292
Oh, one more thing, stop
calling them motherfuckers

525
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,128
and talking about
how hot my mom is.

526
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:53,005
Well, she's sneaky sexy,
took me by surprise.

527
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:57,093
Dude, she is a MILF,
like a genuine MILF.

528
00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,388
And if it wasn't your MILF,
she'd be a MIWF...

529
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,098
a mother I would fuck.

530
00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:03,266
Mmm-mmm.

531
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:05,017
But I won't.
Okay.

532
00:19:06,019 --> 00:19:07,895
Of course.
Thank you.

533
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,355
(BOTH LAUGH)

534
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:12,024
(NED SIGHS)

535
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:14,652
All right, it's pretty.
Yeah.

536
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:15,820
You know...

537
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:19,657
It's a lot.
(STAMMERS)

538
00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:22,493
Yes! I mean, the moose...
Yes.

539
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:24,328
And the language.
Come on!

540
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,038
Mmm-hmm.
A real moose!

541
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,249
And he's coming onto your
mother. That's not okay.

542
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,584
And the tattoo?

543
00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:31,961
The tattoo! And how...

544
00:19:33,922 --> 00:19:35,089
22.
Yes!

545
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,300
You didn't like the mural
of you and Scotty

546
00:19:37,384 --> 00:19:38,467
down in the new bowling alley?

547
00:19:38,635 --> 00:19:40,761
The bowling alley
with the mural is...

548
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,430
And the bowling alley
is regulation.

549
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,098
That's quite nice

550
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:47,185
and that's very rare
to have something that nice.

551
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:48,644
And the polish
that he used was quite...

552
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:49,729
It was good. But...

553
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:50,938
I'm sorry.

554
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:55,484
I should have told you.

555
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,946
About everything, of course. (SCOFFS)

556
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:02,575
Honestly, I didn't know how
to explain him over the phone.

557
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,452
I just kept imagining...

558
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:06,162
Mom Googling Laird Mayhew

559
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,623
and you guys
jumping to conclusions

560
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:11,042
before you even got
a chance to know him.

561
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:13,586
Well, now we know him.
(SIGHS)

562
00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:15,713
No, you don't.

563
00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,423
You've been here
for 15 minutes.

564
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:19,550
Yeah.

565
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,552
Thank you.

566
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:24,847
I wouldn't have asked you
to come out here

567
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:26,098
and miss Christmas in Michigan

568
00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:29,560
for the first time ever,
if he wasn't...

569
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,020
...really important to me.

570
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,694
Hmm.

571
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,322
Okay.

572
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,159
(MUTTERS)
You'll give him a chance?

573
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,662
Okay. Okay, thank you. Thank you.

574
00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:49,872
Come here.
(CHUCKLES)

575
00:20:54,461 --> 00:20:55,461
I love you.

576
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,046
I love you, too.

577
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:03,386
So if I did Google him,
what would I find?

578
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:04,470
Don't do it.

579
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:05,596
Oh.

580
00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:06,722
Just don't Google him.

581
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:07,890
Oh.

582
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,310
Well, I still don't see it.

583
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:15,356
Darling, this is the male,
and he's thrusting.

584
00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,482
Oh, God.

585
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,318
All right, everybody,
dinner is served!

586
00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:21,529
Scotty! Come on,
grab a stump.

587
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:23,864
Dad, you wanna
go there? Mom.

588
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,491
You sure you don't want
to take off your coat?

589
00:21:25,659 --> 00:21:26,659
No. I'm good.

590
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,995
We do it family style here,
so everyone just dig in.

591
00:21:29,162 --> 00:21:30,496
It's super cas.

592
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,873
Okay, so we have three dishes
for this evening.

593
00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:35,001
We have sous-vide geoduck.

594
00:21:35,168 --> 00:21:36,961
We have Mission-style
sea urchin burritos...

595
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:38,045
STEPHANIE: Yum.

596
00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:39,380
...with edible paper.

597
00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,382
LAIRD:
Because you're a printer.

598
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:43,050
And last but not least...
Sweet.

599
00:21:43,218 --> 00:21:45,845
...we have smoked
California bear.

600
00:21:46,013 --> 00:21:46,971
Enjoy.

601
00:21:47,055 --> 00:21:48,389
Oh, shit!

602
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:49,724
Thanks, Blais.

603
00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:51,183
Bear?
LAIRD: Mmm.

604
00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:52,560
Yo, Scotty,
you see The Revenant?

605
00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:53,978
No, I wanted to,

606
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:56,063
but my parents don't really
let me watch R-rated movies.

607
00:21:56,231 --> 00:21:57,773
You're darn right we don't.
He's only 15.

608
00:21:57,941 --> 00:22:00,234
You want some paper?
Yes, certainly. Thank you.

609
00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,861
I don't know
what section that is.

610
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,155
Because that bear
fucked that dude up!

611
00:22:04,239 --> 00:22:05,614
Now we're gonna
fuck this bear up.

612
00:22:05,782 --> 00:22:07,241
Hey, what about
that language?

613
00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,409
Oh, shit. Sorry.

614
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:11,037
BARB: Ah, I think I've got
the arts section here.

615
00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:14,290
You better slow down, Barb.

616
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,417
You're gonna be full
before you get to the funnies.

617
00:22:16,543 --> 00:22:17,710
(BOTH CHUCKLING)

618
00:22:18,420 --> 00:22:19,462
Ned.

619
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:24,050
(CLEARS THROAT)

620
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,095
So, um, how did
you two meet?

621
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:30,765
Uh, you want me to go?
Yeah.

622
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:31,849
Okay.

623
00:22:31,933 --> 00:22:34,185
Laird sponsored
a talk on campus

624
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:35,603
with Doctor Joanne Liu,

625
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,146
the head of
Doctors Without Borders.

626
00:22:37,272 --> 00:22:38,230
Oh!

627
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:40,358
Melinda Gates
got me totally pumped

628
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:41,776
about issues
in the developing world.

629
00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:42,943
Now I'm obsessed.

630
00:22:43,278 --> 00:22:44,320
Wow.

631
00:22:45,113 --> 00:22:46,781
That's Bill Gates' wife.
LAIRD: Yeah.

632
00:22:46,948 --> 00:22:48,282
She's great.
NED: Yeah.

633
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:49,742
That's terrific.

634
00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:52,495
That's Steph's field of
interest, too, so that's great.

635
00:22:52,662 --> 00:22:53,746
Yeah, I know.

636
00:22:53,830 --> 00:22:55,331
Ned, you should've
seen her at the talk.

637
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:58,751
She asked the most intelligent
question. I was blown away.

638
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:00,961
Really? What did I say?

639
00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:02,254
You were like...

640
00:23:02,422 --> 00:23:03,547
"Hey, what's
the connection between

641
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,925
"women's health
and population density

642
00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:07,593
"in indigenous communities?"

643
00:23:07,761 --> 00:23:10,012
I was like,
"Bam! Who's that?"

644
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:11,806
That's so sweet of you
to remember that.

645
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:13,808
Of course I remember. Mmm...

646
00:23:13,975 --> 00:23:15,768
The first time I saw you.
BARB: That's our girl.

647
00:23:15,936 --> 00:23:17,686
She's always been the smartest
person in the room.

648
00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:18,813
So true.
Yeah.

649
00:23:18,939 --> 00:23:20,981
And the sexiest. My God.
Well.

650
00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:23,192
I couldn't keep
my eyes off her.

651
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,693
Her hair, and her eyes.

652
00:23:24,778 --> 00:23:25,778
Very pretty eyes.

653
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,530
The way her spine
gently arches

654
00:23:27,614 --> 00:23:29,156
to meet the top
of her tailbone.

655
00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:31,659
I just wanna pitch a tent and live
in there. You know what I mean?

656
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:32,827
No.
You're taking it too far.

657
00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,121
Quite the outdoorsman.

658
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,872
I just mean
she's got a great body.

659
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,541
Oh, well, yes.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

660
00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:40,000
She's a darling girl.

661
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:41,210
Like you, Barb.
STEPHANIE: Great genes.

662
00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:42,294
Okay.

663
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:43,546
Two fit women.

664
00:23:43,713 --> 00:23:45,339
I'll have to
agree with you there.

665
00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:47,299
Ol' Slamming Bod Barb.

666
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:48,551
(LAUGHING)

667
00:23:48,635 --> 00:23:50,719
Two fit women
and two lucky dudes...

668
00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:52,513
And one double-dicker.

669
00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:54,181
(LAUGHS)

670
00:23:55,016 --> 00:23:56,851
Okay, well.

671
00:23:58,228 --> 00:24:01,188
Laird, when did you graduate
from Stanford?

672
00:24:01,523 --> 00:24:03,190
Oh, I didn't go
to Stanford, bro.

673
00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:04,567
I hardly even graduated
from high school.

674
00:24:05,652 --> 00:24:06,861
He's being modest.

675
00:24:07,028 --> 00:24:08,112
He actually
started writing code

676
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:10,573
for Sun Microsystems
when he was 13.

677
00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:12,324
That's true.
Wow, that's just like me.

678
00:24:12,492 --> 00:24:14,076
I've been interning
at the Fleming Company

679
00:24:14,202 --> 00:24:15,536
since, what,
the seventh grade?

680
00:24:15,704 --> 00:24:16,871
Mm-hmm. Yup.

681
00:24:17,038 --> 00:24:18,998
Future CEO,
but you are going to college.

682
00:24:19,666 --> 00:24:21,500
I know, Dad. I know. I know.
Just like your sister.

683
00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:23,669
So, Steph,
weren't your surprised

684
00:24:23,837 --> 00:24:26,672
that this big tech mogul
wanted to date you?

685
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:31,177
He said he was some
low-level programmer at Uber.

686
00:24:31,344 --> 00:24:33,679
I had no idea that
he sponsored the entire event.

687
00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:34,889
So he lied to you.

688
00:24:35,056 --> 00:24:36,348
Oh, Ned, I had to.

689
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,893
I mean there are so many gold
diggers in Silicon Valley.

690
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,395
They just wanna fuck you
for your tech money.

691
00:24:41,563 --> 00:24:43,230
Language, baby.
You gotta be careful.

692
00:24:43,398 --> 00:24:45,399
I didn't spill the beans
till April.

693
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:48,527
April? That's
eight months ago. What?

694
00:24:48,695 --> 00:24:50,029
Steph, over the phone,
you said

695
00:24:50,113 --> 00:24:51,697
you've only known each other
for a couple of months.

696
00:24:51,865 --> 00:24:53,908
It was super casual at first.
No.

697
00:24:54,075 --> 00:24:55,117
No, it was not.

698
00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:57,453
We exchanged I love you's
on the third date.

699
00:24:57,579 --> 00:24:58,913
Remember? Right after we...
The third date?

700
00:24:59,039 --> 00:25:00,122
made love in the hot tub
at Esalen in Big Sur?

701
00:25:00,248 --> 00:25:01,207
No, no, no.

702
00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:03,250
Where, what?
Esalen in Big Sur.

703
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:04,418
Really?

704
00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:06,587
Ned. Don't get
the wrong idea.

705
00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:09,590
It was not sexual at all.
It was so much more than that.

706
00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:10,925
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm confused.

707
00:25:11,092 --> 00:25:12,384
Did you have
intercourse or not?

708
00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:13,802
Scotty, shut it.

709
00:25:13,970 --> 00:25:15,221
Dad, I'm just trying to
connect the dots here.

710
00:25:15,388 --> 00:25:16,805
Look. Yeah, we did.

711
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:20,559
But what I'm saying is
I was transformed.

712
00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:23,771
Stephy opened up
like a flower.

713
00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:25,314
You should have seen it.

714
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:28,442
I shouldn't have seen it,
but now I feel like I have.

715
00:25:28,610 --> 00:25:29,985
I just want
your parents to know

716
00:25:30,153 --> 00:25:31,320
that you're
living with someone

717
00:25:31,404 --> 00:25:33,155
who's completely
devoted to you.

718
00:25:33,990 --> 00:25:35,616
Wait a minute.
What-ing with someone?

719
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:37,785
You say you're living together? Yeah.

720
00:25:37,911 --> 00:25:40,454
No. We do not.

721
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,623
Okay, five nights
out of seven.

722
00:25:43,750 --> 00:25:45,501
Your stuff is here.

723
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:46,919
You don't really
stay at the dorm.

724
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:48,295
(EXCLAIMING)

725
00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:49,588
Do you have
a toothbrush here?

726
00:25:49,756 --> 00:25:50,756
Yeah.
That's cohabitating.

727
00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:52,800
Scotty, stop talking
and eat your paper.

728
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,677
STEPHANIE: Dad,
we do not live together.

729
00:25:54,844 --> 00:25:56,303
Yeah, we're cohabitating.

730
00:26:01,518 --> 00:26:03,644
"Opened up like a flower. "

731
00:26:03,812 --> 00:26:06,647
Honey, I'm looking at
the Esalen website right now

732
00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,315
and there's nothing
dirty about it.

733
00:26:08,483 --> 00:26:11,151
You go up there for yoga
classes and things like that.

734
00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,988
They've been practically
living together for a year.

735
00:26:14,155 --> 00:26:15,656
Why didn't she
just tell us that?

736
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,200
Where the heck are the towels?

737
00:26:19,035 --> 00:26:20,869
He's even affected Scotty.

738
00:26:22,956 --> 00:26:26,000
What is a double dicking,
for crying out loud?

739
00:26:26,209 --> 00:26:27,376
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

740
00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:28,544
Oh.
Uh...

741
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,670
There she is.

742
00:26:29,838 --> 00:26:31,297
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. She's gonna...

743
00:26:31,464 --> 00:26:33,382
She better explain what
the heck is going on here.

744
00:26:33,508 --> 00:26:34,508
All right,
so be nice.

745
00:26:34,676 --> 00:26:36,844
Be like, "Oh, my God. I love
your boyfriend. He's so normal."

746
00:26:37,012 --> 00:26:38,178
I'm good.

747
00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:40,306
Hi.

748
00:26:41,349 --> 00:26:42,391
Hi, uh...

749
00:26:44,728 --> 00:26:46,312
I thought you'd be Stephanie.

750
00:26:46,479 --> 00:26:47,521
Steph's super pooped.

751
00:26:47,689 --> 00:26:50,691
We had a big fight because of
the way I behaved at dinner.

752
00:26:50,859 --> 00:26:52,860
Don't worry, we took a shower
together and worked it out.

753
00:26:53,737 --> 00:26:56,030
But I snuck out
to have a little check in.

754
00:26:56,197 --> 00:26:57,197
Okay. Well...

755
00:27:05,707 --> 00:27:08,000
Ned, would you
come join us?

756
00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:10,377
(STAMMERS) I'm good here.

757
00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,880
Oh, please.
This is an Alaskan king.

758
00:27:13,048 --> 00:27:14,548
There's so much room.

759
00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:17,509
So much room.

760
00:27:18,219 --> 00:27:20,220
It'd really mean
a lot to me. Please?

761
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:23,057
Okay.

762
00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,767
Hey.

763
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:27,227
(BARB CLEARS THROAT)

764
00:27:31,691 --> 00:27:34,068
I owe you two
an apology.

765
00:27:34,235 --> 00:27:35,235
When I get nervous

766
00:27:35,403 --> 00:27:38,030
all kinds of crap comes
flying out of my mouth

767
00:27:38,198 --> 00:27:40,032
and I know that's not
how you guys roll.

768
00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:41,116
No.

769
00:27:41,242 --> 00:27:43,077
I was just trying
to make a good impression.

770
00:27:43,244 --> 00:27:44,912
Yeah. Well, you did.
It was...

771
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,122
I mean you didn't,
but it's okay.

772
00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:50,376
It was an awkward dinner.

773
00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:52,294
It was a unique
situation for...

774
00:27:52,462 --> 00:27:54,088
Yeah, but let's all
just move on.

775
00:27:54,756 --> 00:27:56,465
Okay. Great.

776
00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:57,633
Truth be told,

777
00:27:57,801 --> 00:28:01,053
I haven't spent a lot of time
with parental figures.

778
00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:04,306
I don't know if you know this,
but I never knew my father.

779
00:28:04,933 --> 00:28:07,559
Yeah, he picked up my mom
in this bar in Oakland.

780
00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:10,854
They had some sloppy car sex,
and then never spoke again.

781
00:28:10,939 --> 00:28:11,939
Yeah.

782
00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:14,233
I'm not really close
with my mom, either.

783
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:18,612
To be frank, she's kind of
a motherfucking bitch.

784
00:28:18,822 --> 00:28:19,822
(BARB EXCLAIMS)

785
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:22,616
If I had a nickel
for every time I...

786
00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,410
Yeah.

787
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:26,745
We're sorry to hear that.

788
00:28:26,913 --> 00:28:28,622
That's some tough stuff, pal.

789
00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:30,082
Yup. That's...

790
00:28:30,625 --> 00:28:31,625
That's...

791
00:28:31,793 --> 00:28:34,002
All right. Well,
it's getting late, so...

792
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:35,087
BARB: Yeah.

793
00:28:35,171 --> 00:28:36,964
I'm in love
with your daughter, dudes.

794
00:28:37,132 --> 00:28:38,382
And I'm just so
fucking psyched

795
00:28:38,466 --> 00:28:40,300
to get to know
the people that raised her.

796
00:28:40,468 --> 00:28:41,510
Mmm-hmm.

797
00:28:42,595 --> 00:28:45,347
And we're gonna do Christmas
just like you do at home.

798
00:28:45,515 --> 00:28:46,557
Tomorrow night,

799
00:28:46,641 --> 00:28:48,976
I'm gonna throw a party
in your honor.

800
00:28:49,811 --> 00:28:50,936
Oh, you don't have to
go to the trouble.

801
00:28:51,020 --> 00:28:52,104
You don't... It's not.

802
00:28:52,188 --> 00:28:54,773
We're gonna do
all the holiday shit.

803
00:28:55,483 --> 00:28:57,443
Okay. Hmm.
All the shit.

804
00:28:57,777 --> 00:28:59,987
Ned, I'd love some
guy time with you.

805
00:29:00,155 --> 00:29:02,322
So maybe we could take a walk
tomorrow morning?

806
00:29:03,324 --> 00:29:04,783
Okay.
Okay, cool.

807
00:29:04,951 --> 00:29:07,119
Justine, will you set Ned
an alarm for 6:30 a. m.?

808
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:08,203
JUSTINE: You got it, Laird.

809
00:29:08,329 --> 00:29:12,207
<i>Ned, an alarm's been set for
you for 6:30 en la maņana.</i>

810
00:29:12,375 --> 00:29:13,917
What? Who is that?

811
00:29:14,294 --> 00:29:15,419
(CHUCKLES)

812
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:17,045
That's Justine.

813
00:29:17,213 --> 00:29:20,215
Yeah, she's like Siri,
but awesome.

814
00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:22,217
<i>I got that chick from
The Big Bang Theory,</i>

815
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:23,677
Kaley Cuoco,
to do the voice.

816
00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:24,845
J, say hi.

817
00:29:24,971 --> 00:29:27,181
<i>JUSTINE: Hey, Ned. Hey, Barb.
How are you guys?</i>

818
00:29:29,058 --> 00:29:30,058
Hi.
BARB: Oh, my God.

819
00:29:30,185 --> 00:29:31,810
<i>Stephanie's told me
so much about you.</i>

820
00:29:31,895 --> 00:29:33,353
<i>Anything you need, I'm here.</i>

821
00:29:33,521 --> 00:29:34,688
BARB: Okay.
NED: Thank you.

822
00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:36,982
She can't...
Can she see us?

823
00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:41,320
She says that she can't,
but I think that she can.

824
00:29:41,488 --> 00:29:43,238
<i>JUSTINE: What the fuck
are you talking about?</i>

825
00:29:43,364 --> 00:29:44,531
<i>You know I can't see them.</i>

826
00:29:45,992 --> 00:29:47,075
(WHISPERS) She's a perv.

827
00:29:47,243 --> 00:29:48,243
<i>Laird.</i>

828
00:29:48,369 --> 00:29:51,371
Anyway, I hope you two have
a nice night's rest.

829
00:29:51,539 --> 00:29:53,040
Yeah, have a good night.
Great night.

830
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,249
Have a great night.
Yeah.

831
00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,378
My instinct is to
hug you right now.

832
00:29:58,546 --> 00:30:00,297
Oh. No.
BARB: I don't think you...

833
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:01,632
That's okay.
Oh.

834
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,717
Oh, my God.
Barb.

835
00:30:03,885 --> 00:30:05,093
Good night.

836
00:30:10,016 --> 00:30:11,016
Peace.

837
00:30:20,276 --> 00:30:21,610
(ROOSTER CROWING)

838
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:25,239
<i>(MAN SINGING)
Baby, I want to trim your...</i>

839
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:28,575
<i>Baby, I want to trim your...</i>

840
00:30:29,202 --> 00:30:31,578
<i>Baby, I want to trim your...</i>

841
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:34,414
<i>Beautiful Christmas tree</i>

842
00:30:35,083 --> 00:30:37,918
<i>I'm gonna bring along
my hatchet</i>

843
00:30:38,586 --> 00:30:40,921
<i>My beautiful Christmas balls</i>

844
00:30:41,464 --> 00:30:44,424
<i>I'll sprinkle my snow
upon your tree</i>

845
00:30:44,592 --> 00:30:47,761
<i>And hang a mistletoe
on your walls</i>

846
00:30:48,304 --> 00:30:50,305
<i>Baby, I want to trim your...</i>

847
00:30:50,765 --> 00:30:54,977
<i>Oh, beautiful Christmas tree</i>

848
00:31:02,986 --> 00:31:03,986
(CLEARS THROAT)

849
00:31:09,450 --> 00:31:11,577
Barb? There's
no toilet paper.

850
00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:12,661
Uh-oh.

851
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:14,413
Would you get
a roll for me, please?

852
00:31:14,581 --> 00:31:15,956
Papa make a poopie?

853
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:17,958
Yes. I made a poopie.

854
00:31:18,126 --> 00:31:19,418
Did Daddy do a doo-doo?

855
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:21,628
Barb, just get
the toilet paper, please?

856
00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,380
All right.
Well, you sit tight.

857
00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:24,840
I'm gonna go find you some TP.

858
00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:26,008
Thank you.

859
00:31:28,177 --> 00:31:29,177
Of course.

860
00:31:30,138 --> 00:31:31,805
Mr. Playboy.

861
00:31:31,973 --> 00:31:33,640
Unbelievable.

862
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:35,350
Who is that?

863
00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,478
She's a bit of a Plain Jane.

864
00:31:38,646 --> 00:31:39,855
BARB: Darling?
Yeah. Yup.

865
00:31:40,023 --> 00:31:42,774
Just, um, crack the door
and toss the roll, please.

866
00:31:42,942 --> 00:31:45,986
It's gonna be a little
more complicated than that.

867
00:31:46,154 --> 00:31:47,654
Good morning, Ned.

868
00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:49,489
(GROANS)
It's Gustav.

869
00:31:49,616 --> 00:31:50,574
Great.

870
00:31:50,658 --> 00:31:53,994
As I've already told Barb,
we are a paperless household.

871
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:56,163
Paperless? What?

872
00:31:56,998 --> 00:31:59,207
BARB: It's a paperless
house, darling.

873
00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:00,500
NED: I got that.

874
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:04,713
But how am I supposed to
complete my business?

875
00:32:04,881 --> 00:32:06,506
Well, all Japanese toilets

876
00:32:06,674 --> 00:32:09,134
have a very effective
and pleasant cleaning spray.

877
00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:10,469
And I will be very happy

878
00:32:10,637 --> 00:32:12,804
to walk you through the
entire process. Oh, God.

879
00:32:12,972 --> 00:32:15,849
Ned, please locate the
control panel to your left.

880
00:32:16,893 --> 00:32:18,477
Okay, I see it.

881
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:20,020
Now on that
control panel is a button

882
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:22,814
that shows an image
of water spraying up.

883
00:32:22,982 --> 00:32:24,816
Okay. And I just push it?

884
00:32:24,984 --> 00:32:26,151
Just press it, yes.

885
00:32:28,488 --> 00:32:29,488
(COUGHS)

886
00:32:30,740 --> 00:32:32,074
Was that cologne?

887
00:32:32,241 --> 00:32:33,575
Oh!
Cologne? Oh, yes!

888
00:32:33,743 --> 00:32:36,203
That is a designer-scented
talcum powder.

889
00:32:36,913 --> 00:32:39,206
But that button should
not have activated that.

890
00:32:39,374 --> 00:32:42,209
Ned, that is what is called Big
Pony for Men by the Ralph Lauren.

891
00:32:42,377 --> 00:32:43,418
I'm excited to try.

892
00:32:43,878 --> 00:32:46,880
Can we please just continue? All right.

893
00:32:47,048 --> 00:32:48,382
Ned?
Yes.

894
00:32:48,549 --> 00:32:50,550
I would like to apologize
sincerely again.

895
00:32:50,718 --> 00:32:54,179
This is the 2018 model
that you are on right now,

896
00:32:54,347 --> 00:32:55,472
so they have not yet made

897
00:32:55,556 --> 00:32:57,557
an instruction manual
in English yet.

898
00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,894
So I'm going to take care
of this on my end, all right?

899
00:33:01,062 --> 00:33:03,772
So Ned, you focus on
your end in there

900
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:06,566
and I will focus
on your end out here.

901
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:08,568
BARB: That's too good.
This is it.

902
00:33:08,736 --> 00:33:10,404
This should do it, Ned.
(PHONE BEEPING)

903
00:33:10,571 --> 00:33:11,905
(WHIRRING)
Okay. Something's whirring.

904
00:33:12,073 --> 00:33:14,032
Something's spinning around
in there.

905
00:33:15,076 --> 00:33:16,910
No! Turn it off!

906
00:33:17,078 --> 00:33:19,121
Turn it off!
Turn it off! Turn it off!

907
00:33:19,414 --> 00:33:20,372
God!

908
00:33:20,456 --> 00:33:21,748
GUSTAV: Oh, scheisse!

909
00:33:21,916 --> 00:33:24,084
We are having some
technical difficulties.

910
00:33:24,252 --> 00:33:25,794
That was the vaginal cleanse.

911
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:26,920
The what cleanse?

912
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:28,755
I just want a square
of toilet paper.

913
00:33:28,923 --> 00:33:30,090
The vaginal cleanse.

914
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:31,508
Which I hear is refreshing

915
00:33:31,592 --> 00:33:33,635
and apparently
also very stimulating.

916
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,429
Just saying.

917
00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:37,055
(GRUNTING)

918
00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:42,978
Ned?

919
00:33:44,063 --> 00:33:45,063
Really?

920
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:46,440
I'm so sorry, Ned...

921
00:33:46,607 --> 00:33:49,818
but I'm going to have to manually
reboot the system from the inside.

922
00:33:51,237 --> 00:33:52,279
In here?

923
00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:53,739
I am so sorry.

924
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:54,948
Fine.

925
00:33:57,827 --> 00:33:58,952
NED: Why not?

926
00:34:00,455 --> 00:34:02,789
Barb, would you
close the door? Sorry.

927
00:34:02,957 --> 00:34:04,416
It's gonna be great.

928
00:34:05,501 --> 00:34:06,501
(DOOR SHUTS)

929
00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:08,795
Ned, I am blinders.

930
00:34:09,255 --> 00:34:11,506
I see nothing.
I smell nothing.

931
00:34:12,467 --> 00:34:14,468
The print is very small.
Mm-hmm.

932
00:34:14,635 --> 00:34:15,844
Okay, forgive me.

933
00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,597
I can't see the instructions.

934
00:34:22,101 --> 00:34:25,020
All right.
What do we have here?

935
00:34:25,313 --> 00:34:26,313
Hmm...

936
00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:29,149
(SIGHS)

937
00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:36,364
(FARTS GENTLY)

938
00:34:49,962 --> 00:34:51,296
(STOMACH GROWLING)

939
00:34:54,842 --> 00:34:59,054
I had some
stomach problems last night.

940
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:01,056
I think it was the bear.

941
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:03,475
I can guarantee you,
it was the bear.

942
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:05,811
(JUSTINE CLEARS THROAT)

943
00:35:07,021 --> 00:35:08,855
<i>Turning on the fan.
(SWITCH CLICKS)</i>

944
00:35:09,565 --> 00:35:11,733
Great. Wunderbar.

945
00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:17,531
How'd it go?

946
00:35:18,074 --> 00:35:20,408
I am so sorry
that it took so long.

947
00:35:20,576 --> 00:35:22,911
Ned, I'm going to need you
to be completely still

948
00:35:23,079 --> 00:35:25,372
while we try to
lock in your location.

949
00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:27,833
I'm sitting on a toilet,
that's pretty still.

950
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,377
GUSTAV: Searching,
searching, und searching.

951
00:35:30,545 --> 00:35:32,879
And we have target achieved!

952
00:35:33,047 --> 00:35:34,506
And sploosh!

953
00:35:34,590 --> 00:35:35,715
(BIDET HISSING)
Oh!

954
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:46,393
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)

955
00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:49,563
There you go, girls.

956
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:51,064
You raise chickens?

957
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:52,899
All free-range.

958
00:35:53,067 --> 00:35:54,276
Cows, too.

959
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,778
Pigs, artisanal llamas.

960
00:35:56,946 --> 00:35:58,321
Everything you eat here

961
00:35:58,406 --> 00:36:00,574
comes from within
a 500-yard radius.

962
00:36:00,741 --> 00:36:03,118
I call it
"lawn to table eating. "

963
00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:04,286
There she is.

964
00:36:04,745 --> 00:36:05,954
Hey, Daisy.
(GRUNTS)

965
00:36:07,415 --> 00:36:08,832
Oh.
Hi.

966
00:36:09,417 --> 00:36:11,084
(GRUNTS)
Go on, get.

967
00:36:12,712 --> 00:36:13,879
So glad we're
doing this, Ned.

968
00:36:14,422 --> 00:36:16,923
I feel like I know you after everything
that Steph's told me about you,

969
00:36:17,091 --> 00:36:18,633
but still not the same...

970
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:19,926
(BOTH GRUNTING)

971
00:36:22,263 --> 00:36:23,555
Do you submit?
Fuck you!

972
00:36:24,932 --> 00:36:26,266
Gustav!
Ned, stay away!

973
00:36:27,393 --> 00:36:28,393
You wanna fight?

974
00:36:32,815 --> 00:36:33,815
Tap out!
(GROANING) No!

975
00:36:33,941 --> 00:36:35,066
You want to tap out.

976
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:38,820
Okay, okay! Fine!

977
00:36:38,988 --> 00:36:40,488
GUSTAV: Nice work!

978
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:41,990
And your reactions
are getting quicker.

979
00:36:42,158 --> 00:36:43,158
Really?
Absolutely.

980
00:36:43,284 --> 00:36:44,242
Thanks.

981
00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,077
I am so sorry, Ned. I just
didn't want you to get hurt.

982
00:36:46,954 --> 00:36:50,957
Wait, so you just do
this Pink Panther thing?

983
00:36:51,125 --> 00:36:52,500
<i>Pink Panther?
Pink Panther?</i>

984
00:36:52,668 --> 00:36:54,961
The Pink Panther
from the Pink Panther movies.

985
00:36:55,129 --> 00:36:58,298
When Cato attacks Inspector
Clouseau to keep him sharp.

986
00:36:58,466 --> 00:36:59,966
Are those really old?
I never heard of it.

987
00:37:00,134 --> 00:37:01,176
I'm not familiar, either,

988
00:37:01,302 --> 00:37:02,844
but it sounds
absolutely charming.

989
00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:05,972
<i>Pink Panther.</i>

990
00:37:06,140 --> 00:37:07,515
The movies?
Mm-hmm.

991
00:37:08,351 --> 00:37:11,686
Cato is his assistant,
his houseboy.

992
00:37:11,854 --> 00:37:13,188
Houseboy?
Well, it's...

993
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:15,315
That sounds racist.

994
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:18,652
He did call him "my little
yellow friend. " But...

995
00:37:18,819 --> 00:37:19,986
I'm sorry, you have to
understand, Ned.

996
00:37:20,112 --> 00:37:22,697
Laird is the CEO
of a massive tech company.

997
00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:24,491
LAIRD: I don't like
bodyguards around

998
00:37:24,659 --> 00:37:27,494
so I have Goose train me in
case I get kidnapped or whatever.

999
00:37:27,662 --> 00:37:30,330
By the way, your Chun Kuk Do
moves were very solid.

1000
00:37:30,498 --> 00:37:32,165
But what happened to
the evasive parkour?

1001
00:37:32,333 --> 00:37:33,500
Ah, evasive parkour.
Yeah.

1002
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:35,043
I totally fucking spaced!

1003
00:37:35,211 --> 00:37:36,836
GUSTAV: There's always
room to improve.

1004
00:37:37,004 --> 00:37:38,046
All right.
Thanks, man.

1005
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:39,506
You got it, brother.

1006
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:41,341
All right, ciao for now,
you friends.

1007
00:37:41,509 --> 00:37:43,969
And you guys have
a lovely chat.

1008
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:46,554
Ned, come on. I wanna
show you my office.

1009
00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:51,393
<i>You know, that's like
classic Pink Panther.</i>

1010
00:37:52,853 --> 00:37:55,397
This is where you work, huh?
LAIRD: Yeah.

1011
00:37:55,564 --> 00:37:58,566
I have a den in the house
where I do the financial stuff

1012
00:37:58,734 --> 00:38:00,902
but this is where
all the big ideas happen.

1013
00:38:01,070 --> 00:38:02,988
Don't you need
a computer and...

1014
00:38:03,155 --> 00:38:05,198
Nah. My girl Justine
records everything.

1015
00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:06,491
Right, J?

1016
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:08,410
<i>JUSTINE: Yep, I'm here. Hey, Ned.</i>

1017
00:38:09,245 --> 00:38:11,579
Hey, why don't you play back a
blip from yesterday's session?

1018
00:38:11,747 --> 00:38:14,207
<i>All right, hold on. Fuck. There's
so much shit up here in your Cloud.</i>

1019
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,542
<i>Okay, okay got it.</i>

1020
00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:18,378
<i>LAIRD: Come on, idiot, think.
Names for games. Um...</i>

1021
00:38:18,587 --> 00:38:21,339
Ape Assassins Six:
Capuchin Chaos.

1022
00:38:21,507 --> 00:38:23,883
Uh, Silverback Salsa.

1023
00:38:24,051 --> 00:38:26,219
Baboon Bukkake.

1024
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:27,637
<i>Fuck! Wow, that's awful!</i>

1025
00:38:27,722 --> 00:38:28,763
(CHUCKLES) Bad idea.

1026
00:38:28,889 --> 00:38:29,931
Why? Why's that?

1027
00:38:30,016 --> 00:38:31,016
Uh...

1028
00:38:31,225 --> 00:38:32,559
What does that mean?

1029
00:38:32,685 --> 00:38:33,685
Bukkake?

1030
00:38:33,894 --> 00:38:35,020
Oh, um...

1031
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:36,938
Just means a lot of
things are happening

1032
00:38:37,064 --> 00:38:38,106
and you're feeling
overwhelmed.

1033
00:38:38,274 --> 00:38:39,566
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

1034
00:38:39,734 --> 00:38:41,609
Yeah.
I've felt bukkake before.

1035
00:38:41,736 --> 00:38:42,736
Hmm...

1036
00:38:45,573 --> 00:38:48,074
Grab a seat. Make yourself
comf. Let's break it down.

1037
00:38:48,909 --> 00:38:52,245
Just pop down
right here on the floor.

1038
00:38:54,623 --> 00:38:55,874
There you go.

1039
00:38:56,917 --> 00:39:01,087
Ned, I think you and
I have so much in common.

1040
00:39:01,255 --> 00:39:04,549
We see something we want
and we just dive in

1041
00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:05,675
and we take it.

1042
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:06,760
Know what I mean?

1043
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:09,054
Yeah.

1044
00:39:11,557 --> 00:39:12,807
Which is why...

1045
00:39:13,809 --> 00:39:15,060
...on Christmas Day...

1046
00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:17,729
I'm going to ask Stephy
to marry me.

1047
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,949
And I know
how tight you two are.

1048
00:39:30,076 --> 00:39:31,034
Mm-hmm.

1049
00:39:31,118 --> 00:39:33,745
So I'd really, really

1050
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:34,954
like your blessing.

1051
00:39:35,790 --> 00:39:37,123
(MUTTERS INAUDIBLY)

1052
00:39:38,584 --> 00:39:40,335
Uh, Laird.

1053
00:39:41,295 --> 00:39:42,545
Really appreciate
you coming to me.

1054
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:43,630
'Course.

1055
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:46,007
But, uh, the answer's no.

1056
00:39:50,304 --> 00:39:52,138
Dude, I'm so confused.

1057
00:39:52,306 --> 00:39:54,349
What the fuck?
What the hell?

1058
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:55,809
This went so much differently

1059
00:39:55,935 --> 00:39:57,352
when I rehearsed it
with Gustav.

1060
00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:59,646
Yeah. I asked you
and you were like,

1061
00:39:59,772 --> 00:40:01,106
"Yeah, dude. My son. "

1062
00:40:01,315 --> 00:40:03,149
Laird. Listen to me, okay.

1063
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:07,487
Beside the fact that I don't know
you from a hole in the wall...

1064
00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:11,491
Stephanie is just not ready
for this step in her life.

1065
00:40:11,659 --> 00:40:14,619
Oh, I'm totally getting
the signals that she is.

1066
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:17,455
I'm her father,
I know her pretty well.

1067
00:40:17,623 --> 00:40:19,457
Okay, all right.
All right, Ned...

1068
00:40:19,625 --> 00:40:21,292
Dude, I know
I sprung this on you.

1069
00:40:21,460 --> 00:40:24,003
My bad. Okay?
Let's just back it up.

1070
00:40:24,171 --> 00:40:25,213
All right?
All right.

1071
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:28,508
Why don't you give me a few
days to win you over, okay?

1072
00:40:28,676 --> 00:40:29,884
And by Christmas morning...

1073
00:40:30,052 --> 00:40:32,512
I promise, you're going to be
calling me "son. "

1074
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,472
I'm gonna be
calling you "Dad".

1075
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:35,682
Don't think
that's going to happen.

1076
00:40:35,850 --> 00:40:37,851
I think it's gonna, Dad.

1077
00:40:39,854 --> 00:40:40,854
Don't.

1078
00:40:41,647 --> 00:40:42,814
(CHUCKLES) Dad, come on.

1079
00:40:42,982 --> 00:40:44,399
Don't call me "Dad. "
Don't call you "Dad"?

1080
00:40:44,567 --> 00:40:45,567
I'm not your dad.

1081
00:40:45,734 --> 00:40:47,819
I mean,
you're gonna be my dad.

1082
00:40:47,903 --> 00:40:48,903
No. No.

1083
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:50,738
What, Dad?
(SIGHS)

1084
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:54,409
Okay, now you're
playing with me.

1085
00:40:54,577 --> 00:40:56,411
All right. Dad.

1086
00:40:58,205 --> 00:40:59,747
Look, Laird.

1087
00:41:01,041 --> 00:41:03,501
Why do you even care
about what I think?

1088
00:41:03,669 --> 00:41:05,044
You're Stephanie's father.

1089
00:41:06,338 --> 00:41:09,048
I'm not gonna ask Stephanie to
marry me unless I have your blessing.

1090
00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:11,217
Okay.

1091
00:41:11,385 --> 00:41:12,677
Justine, did you get that?

1092
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:14,554
<i>JUSTINE: Totes.
Yeah, recorded every word.</i>

1093
00:41:15,890 --> 00:41:17,724
Totes. And totes is what?

1094
00:41:17,892 --> 00:41:20,768
<i>It means totally. But totally's kind
of long, so "totes" is just easier.</i>

1095
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:23,730
Okay. Good.

1096
00:41:23,856 --> 00:41:24,814
Okay.
Okay.

1097
00:41:24,899 --> 00:41:26,065
All right, cool.
Yeah.

1098
00:41:26,233 --> 00:41:28,568
But you gotta
promise me

1099
00:41:28,736 --> 00:41:31,863
that you won't tell Steph
anything about this.

1100
00:41:32,406 --> 00:41:33,615
About any of this.

1101
00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:36,409
Trust me, that is the last
thing in the world I will do.

1102
00:41:36,577 --> 00:41:39,120
For reals, dude.
I want it to be a surprise.

1103
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:40,622
No word. I won't say a word.

1104
00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:42,916
Barb and Scotty, too.
No clowning.

1105
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:44,459
No clowning.

1106
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:47,712
What?

1107
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,131
I'd just feel a lot better
about this if we pinky swore.

1108
00:41:50,257 --> 00:41:51,925
(LAUGHS)

1109
00:41:53,761 --> 00:41:54,802
Oh.

1110
00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:01,267
I see what you mean.
Cool.

1111
00:42:01,977 --> 00:42:03,728
Go get breakfast.
Okay.

1112
00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:06,314
Fuck!

1113
00:42:07,274 --> 00:42:08,441
Sup, guys?

1114
00:42:08,609 --> 00:42:10,401
DEVELOPER 1: Hey, boss.
DEVELOPER 2: Mayhew!

1115
00:42:10,945 --> 00:42:12,570
<i>(MAN RAPPING OVER RADIO)
... took a little longer</i>

1116
00:42:12,655 --> 00:42:15,448
<i>Go into the school
gonna run another banger</i>

1117
00:42:16,158 --> 00:42:17,992
The fuck?
Come with me immediately.

1118
00:42:18,827 --> 00:42:20,411
The hell is this room?

1119
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:21,663
Randy, get the fuck out.

1120
00:42:21,830 --> 00:42:22,956
Yes, sir, Gustav.
Mm-hmm.

1121
00:42:26,085 --> 00:42:28,169
I am on the needles und pins.

1122
00:42:28,337 --> 00:42:30,046
I need you to tell me
how it went right now

1123
00:42:30,130 --> 00:42:31,172
or I'm going to burst.

1124
00:42:31,340 --> 00:42:33,174
He said no!
What? Okay, okay.

1125
00:42:33,342 --> 00:42:36,135
But how did you respond?

1126
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:38,972
I was blindsided, man.
I didn't know what to do.

1127
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:40,139
I challenged him.

1128
00:42:40,307 --> 00:42:42,183
Okay.
I started calling him Dad.

1129
00:42:43,352 --> 00:42:45,520
Oy vey.
The fuck, man!

1130
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:49,774
Why would you call him Dad?
You're putting him at unease!

1131
00:42:50,484 --> 00:42:51,818
You have to find a way in.

1132
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:54,320
You have to do something
for him that's truly special

1133
00:42:54,488 --> 00:42:56,823
so that he knows
that your intentions are pure.

1134
00:42:56,991 --> 00:42:58,825
Dude, Goose, I don't know
how to talk to the guy.

1135
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:01,160
It's like we speak two
different languages or something.

1136
00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:02,328
You do.
Yeah.

1137
00:43:02,496 --> 00:43:03,663
He speaks English.

1138
00:43:03,831 --> 00:43:07,458
And you speak English with
resounding amounts of "fuck. "

1139
00:43:07,626 --> 00:43:08,960
All right, Stephanie's been
on my case, too.

1140
00:43:09,044 --> 00:43:10,044
Yes.
I got it.

1141
00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:11,129
All right?
Okay.

1142
00:43:11,213 --> 00:43:12,213
Right.
All right, man.

1143
00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:13,298
Great.
Great.

1144
00:43:13,382 --> 00:43:14,799
You just fucking really
hit me really hard.

1145
00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:16,384
I know. I am sorry.

1146
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:19,512
It's just, Laird...

1147
00:43:19,680 --> 00:43:22,056
...your relationship
with Miss Stephanie

1148
00:43:22,224 --> 00:43:24,726
is very special.
It's the real deal.

1149
00:43:24,852 --> 00:43:25,852
Hey.
Yes.

1150
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:28,855
Goose, I know I pay you
a shit-ton of money,

1151
00:43:29,023 --> 00:43:30,356
but you're my best friend.

1152
00:43:30,524 --> 00:43:32,650
Our friendship is priceless.

1153
00:43:32,818 --> 00:43:35,028
Hey. Thanks, brother.

1154
00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:38,406
(BOTH SIGHING)

1155
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,659
(GROANING)

1156
00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,498
Okay.

1157
00:43:47,666 --> 00:43:48,791
(GROANING)

1158
00:43:48,876 --> 00:43:51,085
Okay. Ow! Mercy. Mercy.

1159
00:43:52,504 --> 00:43:53,504
Fuck.

1160
00:43:55,591 --> 00:43:56,591
Bro, you're incredible.

1161
00:43:56,759 --> 00:43:57,884
That was very imaginative

1162
00:43:58,052 --> 00:43:59,427
how you took that
tender moment

1163
00:43:59,553 --> 00:44:00,887
and used it
as your pivot to attack.

1164
00:44:01,055 --> 00:44:02,305
Yeah.
Very good.

1165
00:44:02,389 --> 00:44:04,057
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1166
00:44:06,060 --> 00:44:07,018
What's up, Cheese?

1167
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:09,062
I'm about to go to
the football game.

1168
00:44:09,229 --> 00:44:10,438
Lions, baby!

1169
00:44:10,606 --> 00:44:11,898
NED: Great. How's business?

1170
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:13,232
Tell me something good.

1171
00:44:13,400 --> 00:44:14,609
<i>Oh, uh...</i>

1172
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,111
<i>I talked to my guy
over at Dick's Sporting Goods.</i>

1173
00:44:17,279 --> 00:44:18,738
Don't tell me
they're going with China, too.

1174
00:44:18,864 --> 00:44:19,906
Worse.

1175
00:44:20,074 --> 00:44:21,949
Freaking online banner ads.

1176
00:44:22,117 --> 00:44:23,910
<i>No. Damn it.
All right, listen.</i>

1177
00:44:24,578 --> 00:44:28,289
I'm gonna call Don Millis at
Subaru of Southern Michigan.

1178
00:44:28,457 --> 00:44:31,417
I heard a little rumor that they might
be looking for a new dance partner.

1179
00:44:31,585 --> 00:44:33,127
Yeah, Don,
the big guy, right?

1180
00:44:33,295 --> 00:44:35,046
<i>You guys go back
to your car selling days.</i>

1181
00:44:35,214 --> 00:44:36,881
Yeah. It's worth a shot.
Listen...

1182
00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:38,633
<i>I need you to go in
and pull his card</i>

1183
00:44:38,759 --> 00:44:40,093
<i>from my rolodex
while I look for a pen.</i>

1184
00:44:40,260 --> 00:44:42,095
You got it, Cheese.
No, you got it.

1185
00:44:43,722 --> 00:44:45,306
<i>So how goes it in Cali?</i>

1186
00:44:46,308 --> 00:44:48,434
<i>It feels like we've landed
in The Twilight Zone.</i>

1187
00:44:48,602 --> 00:44:49,602
<i>Did you find the card?</i>

1188
00:44:51,230 --> 00:44:52,313
Yeah. I got it right here.

1189
00:44:52,481 --> 00:44:53,856
Just hang on.

1190
00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:55,400
I have nothing
to write with here.

1191
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:56,984
This whole house is paperless.

1192
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:58,111
<i>Paperless?</i>

1193
00:44:58,278 --> 00:44:59,612
Well, how do you
wipe your ass?

1194
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:00,697
<i>You don't.</i>

1195
00:45:00,781 --> 00:45:02,907
They have these Japanese
toilets that... (HISSES)

1196
00:45:03,784 --> 00:45:05,827
It's one of those little
squat jobs, little squatter.

1197
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:08,621
No. Just... never mind.
Just give me the number.

1198
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:10,123
JUSTINE: Hey, Ned, I'm here.

1199
00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:11,582
<i>I can take it down for you.</i>

1200
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:14,001
Justine, please just...
I'm fine.

1201
00:45:14,169 --> 00:45:15,169
Just go away.

1202
00:45:15,337 --> 00:45:16,504
<i>All right,
I'm just trying to help.</i>

1203
00:45:16,630 --> 00:45:17,630
<i>You don't have to be
such a dick.</i>

1204
00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:20,299
<i>LOU: Whoa, whoa.
Cheese, who is that?</i>

1205
00:45:20,467 --> 00:45:21,592
She's got a foul little mouth.

1206
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:23,136
Is that the kid's secretary
you fighting with?

1207
00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:25,763
No, no, no. That's the woman
who lives in the ceiling.

1208
00:45:25,848 --> 00:45:26,889
Cheese, what she look like?

1209
00:45:26,974 --> 00:45:27,974
The woman who lives...

1210
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:29,100
<i>You say she lives
in the ceiling?</i>

1211
00:45:29,184 --> 00:45:31,936
She's a disembodied
voice that...

1212
00:45:32,104 --> 00:45:33,688
<i>Never mind.
I'll explain later.</i>

1213
00:45:33,856 --> 00:45:34,897
The voice sounds sexy.

1214
00:45:34,982 --> 00:45:36,149
Are they using
somebody famous?

1215
00:45:36,316 --> 00:45:38,234
<i>JUSTINE:
I wouldn't say too famous.</i>

1216
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:39,360
<i>You know,
million dollars a week,</i>

1217
00:45:39,528 --> 00:45:41,154
<i>biggest show in the world,
no big deal. (COUGHS)</i>

1218
00:45:41,321 --> 00:45:42,321
<i>Lou.
She can hear me?</i>

1219
00:45:42,781 --> 00:45:43,990
<i>JUSTINE:
Of course I can hear you.</i>

1220
00:45:44,158 --> 00:45:45,324
How you doin', baby?

1221
00:45:45,492 --> 00:45:47,452
<i>(LAUGHS) Better now
that I'm talking with you.</i>

1222
00:45:47,619 --> 00:45:49,537
NED: Just give me the number.
I'm calling him now.

1223
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:55,376
<i>Let's catch some waves.</i>

1224
00:45:57,004 --> 00:45:58,796
VIDEO GAME GORILLA: Tsunami.
SCOTTY: That guy's cool.

1225
00:45:58,881 --> 00:45:59,881
Yeah, Goose is the best.

1226
00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:01,507
Oh...

1227
00:46:06,180 --> 00:46:07,346
Laird, I'm gonna be
honest with you, buddy.

1228
00:46:07,473 --> 00:46:08,431
Okay.

1229
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:10,516
Gorillas in board shorts
is a fun touch.

1230
00:46:10,684 --> 00:46:11,684
Yeah.
I'll give you that.

1231
00:46:11,852 --> 00:46:13,478
But when the only mission
is to get to shore,

1232
00:46:13,562 --> 00:46:14,854
I'm not feeling
enough drama there.

1233
00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:16,022
You know?

1234
00:46:17,149 --> 00:46:19,358
You know what?
You're so fucking right.

1235
00:46:19,526 --> 00:46:20,568
Fuck!

1236
00:46:20,736 --> 00:46:22,236
We've been developing this
limp dick for months.

1237
00:46:22,404 --> 00:46:23,905
You come and
you play it for five minutes,

1238
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:25,698
you know exactly
what's wrong with it.

1239
00:46:25,866 --> 00:46:28,034
You're a sharp little fucker.
You know that?

1240
00:46:28,577 --> 00:46:29,869
Thank you.

1241
00:46:30,037 --> 00:46:32,038
I mean, for real, man.
I appreciate it.

1242
00:46:32,998 --> 00:46:34,415
It's just nice
to be listened to.

1243
00:46:35,209 --> 00:46:36,375
What do you mean?

1244
00:46:36,752 --> 00:46:38,252
I'm gonna be running
my dad's business one day.

1245
00:46:38,378 --> 00:46:39,337
Uh-huh.

1246
00:46:39,421 --> 00:46:42,340
But he won't even listen to any
of my ideas about innovation.

1247
00:46:42,508 --> 00:46:44,050
What?
Right?

1248
00:46:44,218 --> 00:46:45,384
You're next gen, dude.

1249
00:46:45,552 --> 00:46:47,845
It's where all the new seeds
come from. Everyone knows that.

1250
00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:49,013
And I told him that.
I was like...

1251
00:46:49,181 --> 00:46:51,682
"Dad, if you're gonna unleash
me to my full potentsh...

1252
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:52,892
"I need a seat
at the table. "

1253
00:46:53,060 --> 00:46:54,185
He just won't
listen to me.

1254
00:46:54,353 --> 00:46:55,603
Um... Get that seat!

1255
00:46:55,771 --> 00:46:56,771
I will get that seat.

1256
00:46:56,939 --> 00:46:58,523
Gotta get that seat, Scotty.
That's my seat.

1257
00:46:58,690 --> 00:46:59,899
Nobody else touch it.
No.

1258
00:47:00,067 --> 00:47:02,735
Where is that seat?
It's at the fucking table.

1259
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:04,946
(SCOFFS) And I'm gonna
get that seat at that table.

1260
00:47:05,113 --> 00:47:06,864
You deserve
a fucking throne, dawg.

1261
00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:08,407
Yeah, the Iron Throne.
Iron Throne.

1262
00:47:08,575 --> 00:47:09,951
Iron Throne.
Game of Thrones over here!

1263
00:47:10,077 --> 00:47:12,119
I'm breathing fire and
grabbing titties left and right.

1264
00:47:12,246 --> 00:47:13,371
Fucking King Joffrey
up in this.

1265
00:47:13,455 --> 00:47:14,455
Those are my titties!

1266
00:47:14,623 --> 00:47:16,541
You're the next in line.
That's me.

1267
00:47:16,917 --> 00:47:17,917
My man.

1268
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:22,755
Oh, God.

1269
00:47:23,757 --> 00:47:25,758
They're paying
your student loans.

1270
00:47:25,884 --> 00:47:27,593
They're paying
your student loans.

1271
00:47:28,178 --> 00:47:29,178
Oh.

1272
00:47:40,816 --> 00:47:42,108
NED: Stamp Free Invites.

1273
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:45,444
(CHIMES)

1274
00:47:49,241 --> 00:47:50,741
Oh, man.

1275
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:56,122
<i>Ho, ho, ho!
(DOG BARKS)</i>

1276
00:47:57,457 --> 00:47:58,624
(LLAMA GRUNTS)

1277
00:47:58,750 --> 00:47:59,792
BARB: Wow.

1278
00:47:59,960 --> 00:48:01,252
Is that a horse?
That is a llama.

1279
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:02,420
Oh, a llama.
Hi.

1280
00:48:02,504 --> 00:48:03,629
Hello.

1281
00:48:03,797 --> 00:48:05,631
BARB: Oh, my goodness.
Hey, girl.

1282
00:48:05,799 --> 00:48:07,133
We don't have those in...

1283
00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:08,634
Dad!

1284
00:48:08,802 --> 00:48:10,970
There you are.
This is insane!

1285
00:48:11,138 --> 00:48:12,471
Oh, you working on the books?

1286
00:48:12,639 --> 00:48:14,473
Uh, yeah, you know.
Just the little stuff.

1287
00:48:16,101 --> 00:48:18,477
I was thinking about
Laird's Christmas party.

1288
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:20,479
Gustav gave me a preview
of the guest list.

1289
00:48:20,647 --> 00:48:22,565
And, Dad, it is a veritable
"who's who"

1290
00:48:22,649 --> 00:48:24,025
of Silicon Valley
power players.

1291
00:48:24,192 --> 00:48:25,818
Tyson Modell is coming!

1292
00:48:25,986 --> 00:48:27,820
Wait, who is he?
What?

1293
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:28,946
He's the kid
who founded Ghostchat.

1294
00:48:29,031 --> 00:48:30,114
Oh, right.

1295
00:48:30,198 --> 00:48:31,616
He turned down three billion
dollars from Facebook,

1296
00:48:31,700 --> 00:48:33,159
and he's only
24 years old.

1297
00:48:33,327 --> 00:48:35,494
I'm gonna broker a sit-down
between you two.

1298
00:48:36,663 --> 00:48:38,706
Dad, thank you for telling me
to pack a blazer.

1299
00:48:38,874 --> 00:48:41,000
Now, should I throw on a tie or
should I keep it business casual?

1300
00:48:41,126 --> 00:48:42,668
Scotty, just listen to me,
all right?

1301
00:48:42,836 --> 00:48:44,921
Most of these
Internet companies

1302
00:48:45,005 --> 00:48:47,048
are built on
smoke and mirrors.

1303
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,257
What?

1304
00:48:48,342 --> 00:48:49,342
Don't get sucked in.

1305
00:48:49,509 --> 00:48:51,677
That whole industry
is based on hooey.

1306
00:48:51,845 --> 00:48:53,971
I'm gonna drop
some knowledge on you.

1307
00:48:54,139 --> 00:48:55,348
Times are changing, Pops.

1308
00:48:55,515 --> 00:48:57,558
And not everything you think
is hooey is hooey.

1309
00:48:58,685 --> 00:49:00,686
Wow. That's profound.

1310
00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,396
Profound.

1311
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:04,815
And you...

1312
00:49:05,359 --> 00:49:07,151
Hooey-meister himself.

1313
00:49:09,071 --> 00:49:10,905
You're nothing but an octopus.

1314
00:49:11,657 --> 00:49:13,115
An octopus.

1315
00:49:16,703 --> 00:49:18,037
(EDM PLAYING)

1316
00:49:27,381 --> 00:49:29,173
<i>LAIRD: (ON TAPE)
Merry fuckin' Christmas</i>

1317
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,008
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

1318
00:49:43,063 --> 00:49:44,397
What are you pouring?

1319
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:46,399
We are doing a deconstructed
eggnog tonight.

1320
00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,609
Eggnog. Yes. Thank you.

1321
00:49:48,777 --> 00:49:50,027
Where you from, boss?

1322
00:49:50,112 --> 00:49:51,112
Michigan.

1323
00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:52,738
Oh, Michigan.
You in the car business?

1324
00:49:52,906 --> 00:49:55,032
Uh, no. Printing.
Ned Fleming.

1325
00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:56,742
Elon Musk.
Elon Musk?

1326
00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:58,536
Yeah.
Tesla, Elon Musk?

1327
00:49:58,704 --> 00:49:59,912
Yeah.
Wow.

1328
00:50:01,248 --> 00:50:02,248
How do you know Laird?

1329
00:50:02,457 --> 00:50:03,708
Uh...

1330
00:50:03,792 --> 00:50:05,584
He's dating my daughter.

1331
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:08,087
Uh-oh.

1332
00:50:08,255 --> 00:50:09,422
Nice talking to you.
Yeah.

1333
00:50:09,589 --> 00:50:10,631
What?

1334
00:50:12,092 --> 00:50:14,135
Oh, hey! Hi, honey!

1335
00:50:14,302 --> 00:50:16,470
Could I get a glass
of white wine, please?

1336
00:50:18,223 --> 00:50:19,765
Ooh, hiya, handsome.
Hi!

1337
00:50:19,933 --> 00:50:21,600
You look great.
Oh, come on.

1338
00:50:21,768 --> 00:50:23,436
No, you do.
Thank you.

1339
00:50:23,603 --> 00:50:26,313
I'm just getting in
the holiday spirit.

1340
00:50:26,481 --> 00:50:30,151
So what were you talking to
Laird about for so long?

1341
00:50:30,944 --> 00:50:32,778
I got the entire
Mayhew family saga.

1342
00:50:32,946 --> 00:50:34,280
Oh, God. I'm sorry.

1343
00:50:34,448 --> 00:50:37,450
No, no, turns out it was
pretty interesting actually.

1344
00:50:37,617 --> 00:50:40,745
His mother was a secretary at
one of these tech companies.

1345
00:50:40,912 --> 00:50:43,289
Can I interest you
in a Kobe beef slider?

1346
00:50:43,457 --> 00:50:44,749
Ooh, yum.
Real food?

1347
00:50:44,916 --> 00:50:46,792
Yes, I'm starving.

1348
00:50:46,960 --> 00:50:48,502
Wait, what?

1349
00:50:48,837 --> 00:50:50,254
Oh, God.

1350
00:50:50,422 --> 00:50:52,089
Ma'am? Kobe squirt?
No, thanks.

1351
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,257
Thank you.

1352
00:50:54,009 --> 00:50:55,426
It's actually pretty tasty.

1353
00:50:55,594 --> 00:50:58,596
Anyway, she saw all these
young programmers getting rich.

1354
00:50:58,764 --> 00:51:01,307
So she basically
forced Laird

1355
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:05,436
to spend his entire childhood
inside, learning computers.

1356
00:51:06,605 --> 00:51:09,273
I think that's
kind of sad, right?

1357
00:51:19,868 --> 00:51:21,327
He ate it.
Hmm.

1358
00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:24,163
He's an octopus.

1359
00:51:24,331 --> 00:51:26,165
That kid is
wrapping his tentacles

1360
00:51:26,291 --> 00:51:28,000
around every member
of this family.

1361
00:51:28,168 --> 00:51:29,502
He's manipulating you.

1362
00:51:29,669 --> 00:51:32,004
Darling, we need to bring this
down a notch.

1363
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,298
Okay? You think you're
at war with Laird.

1364
00:51:34,466 --> 00:51:37,176
But he's not fighting.
It's just you.

1365
00:51:37,677 --> 00:51:38,928
Come on,
let's go meet his friends.

1366
00:51:39,012 --> 00:51:40,054
They look darling.

1367
00:51:40,222 --> 00:51:41,847
Oh, God.

1368
00:51:42,015 --> 00:51:44,975
Totally tanked porting the
thin-client apps for the JDK build.

1369
00:51:45,143 --> 00:51:46,393
The fuck? So you had to
rewrite all the code?

1370
00:51:46,561 --> 00:51:48,562
Mm-hmm. By myself.

1371
00:51:48,730 --> 00:51:50,898
LAIRD: But did you do it?
Oh, you know I did!

1372
00:51:51,066 --> 00:51:52,483
Hey, there they are!
Hi.

1373
00:51:52,651 --> 00:51:53,651
Looking like a babe.

1374
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:54,860
Look who's looking sharp.

1375
00:51:55,028 --> 00:51:56,320
Okay!
Hello!

1376
00:51:56,488 --> 00:51:58,364
Tyson, these are Stephanie's
parents, Mr. and Mrs. Fleming.

1377
00:51:58,865 --> 00:52:00,866
Oh, no. Barb and Ned, please.

1378
00:52:01,034 --> 00:52:02,743
So it was fucked up, man.

1379
00:52:02,911 --> 00:52:04,537
It took me two weeks

1380
00:52:04,621 --> 00:52:06,372
on the J2EE database...
(MOUTHING)

1381
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,541
trying to get the interface
to react with the server...

1382
00:52:08,708 --> 00:52:10,709
so I can get the containers
up and running again.

1383
00:52:10,877 --> 00:52:15,214
I'm sorry.
Tyson, what's a J2EE?

1384
00:52:15,382 --> 00:52:17,258
Java 2 Platform
Enterprise Edition.

1385
00:52:17,425 --> 00:52:18,717
Do you not write code?
Sorry.

1386
00:52:18,885 --> 00:52:20,344
This guy's the worst.
Yeah.

1387
00:52:20,512 --> 00:52:22,555
I'm actually more of a
personal relations kind of guy.

1388
00:52:22,722 --> 00:52:25,266
Like account management, client
services. That kind of stuff.

1389
00:52:25,433 --> 00:52:27,059
Dude, this kid is
fucking awesome.

1390
00:52:27,227 --> 00:52:30,688
Yes, Ned is grooming Scotty to
take over our family business.

1391
00:52:30,856 --> 00:52:31,814
That's right.

1392
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:33,566
We own a printing business
in Michigan.

1393
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:34,859
Really?
I'm sure you're familiar

1394
00:52:34,943 --> 00:52:36,235
with those two siblings
over there

1395
00:52:36,403 --> 00:52:38,070
since you're
in the printing business.

1396
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,531
Yo, brother-sister act!
You gotta meet this guy.

1397
00:52:40,615 --> 00:52:41,615
Hello!

1398
00:52:41,741 --> 00:52:43,450
Hey! Blaine
and Missy Pederman.

1399
00:52:43,618 --> 00:52:44,743
Hi, I'm Barb Fleming.

1400
00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:46,245
This is my husband.
Ned.

1401
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:48,873
I'm Scott Fleming.
Nice to meet you.

1402
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,708
I'm sorry, we were told
we might know you,

1403
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:52,084
but I'm afraid we don't.

1404
00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:54,753
Blaine and Missy started
Stamp Free Invites.

1405
00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:58,424
Oh, okay.

1406
00:52:58,592 --> 00:52:59,758
Right.

1407
00:52:59,926 --> 00:53:00,926
What's up?

1408
00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:02,386
Did the server forget
to send a reminder

1409
00:53:02,470 --> 00:53:04,305
for your birthday party
or something?

1410
00:53:04,472 --> 00:53:07,433
No, he is actually
in the printing business.

1411
00:53:08,268 --> 00:53:09,768
Oh, shit.
Whoops.

1412
00:53:09,895 --> 00:53:10,853
No, no.

1413
00:53:10,937 --> 00:53:12,146
We didn't put you
out of business or anything?

1414
00:53:12,272 --> 00:53:13,272
No.

1415
00:53:13,398 --> 00:53:15,691
What? Ruin our business?
No, no.

1416
00:53:15,775 --> 00:53:17,526
We're doing quite well.
Thank you.

1417
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:18,652
Oh, that's great!

1418
00:53:18,778 --> 00:53:19,987
Good for you!
Honestly, good for you.

1419
00:53:20,155 --> 00:53:21,822
We love little
mom-and-pop printers.

1420
00:53:21,948 --> 00:53:24,074
So inspirational. So important. Mm-hmm.

1421
00:53:24,159 --> 00:53:25,618
My dad has more of a factory.

1422
00:53:25,785 --> 00:53:26,994
Not to brag,
but we're a pretty big shop.

1423
00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:28,829
People need paper. They need
something to write on.

1424
00:53:28,955 --> 00:53:30,581
They love the feel of that
card stock in their hands.

1425
00:53:30,665 --> 00:53:31,665
Yeah.

1426
00:53:31,791 --> 00:53:33,626
MISSY: I've never heard
anyone say that.

1427
00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:36,337
Hmm. We have not
found that at all.

1428
00:53:36,463 --> 00:53:37,630
Yeah. Nope.

1429
00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:39,256
I think we come from
two different worlds.

1430
00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:40,466
Yes, we do.

1431
00:53:40,634 --> 00:53:43,636
You better start learning code
pretty fucking fast, dude.

1432
00:53:43,803 --> 00:53:45,095
Dude, Ned was crushing it

1433
00:53:45,263 --> 00:53:47,806
since before you two were fighting
over your mother's titties.

1434
00:53:48,266 --> 00:53:49,683
BLAINE: Our mom
didn't breastfeed us.

1435
00:53:49,851 --> 00:53:51,518
Laird, you know
we had a wet nurse.

1436
00:53:51,686 --> 00:53:52,686
Oh, I can tell.

1437
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,105
Boy, I'll tell you,
I don't know what's going on.

1438
00:53:55,190 --> 00:53:56,190
I'm lost.

1439
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:57,608
I'm overwhelmed.
Yeah! Me, too.

1440
00:53:57,776 --> 00:53:59,652
There's bukkake
floating all around me.

1441
00:53:59,819 --> 00:54:00,861
BARB: What?
Hm?

1442
00:54:01,029 --> 00:54:02,154
What's bukkake?

1443
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:03,364
Oh, Laird told me.

1444
00:54:03,531 --> 00:54:05,032
It means when
you're overwhelmed

1445
00:54:05,158 --> 00:54:06,325
and you got too much going on.

1446
00:54:06,493 --> 00:54:08,202
BARB: Oh, my gosh.
Can't figure things out.

1447
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,663
Then, I'm drowning in bukkake
at this point.

1448
00:54:10,830 --> 00:54:11,914
Okay, I'm gonna be
real with you guys.

1449
00:54:11,998 --> 00:54:12,998
It means jizz on your face.

1450
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:15,501
I'm sorry?

1451
00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,044
Bukkake means
covered in jizz.

1452
00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:18,379
Tons of jizz, ejaculate.

1453
00:54:18,546 --> 00:54:19,964
Usually after a gangbang.

1454
00:54:20,131 --> 00:54:21,340
Not as bad as it sounds.

1455
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:22,716
TYSON: Yeah,
post-gangbang.

1456
00:54:22,884 --> 00:54:25,636
Or during. Depends
if someone finishes early.

1457
00:54:25,845 --> 00:54:26,929
NED: What the heck?

1458
00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:28,055
I was trying to
protect you, dude.

1459
00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:29,848
Protect me?
LAIRD: Fucking Justine.

1460
00:54:30,016 --> 00:54:31,141
You mean embarrass me?

1461
00:54:31,309 --> 00:54:32,518
It was a really
sensitive conversation.

1462
00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:33,644
I didn't want
to start talking

1463
00:54:33,728 --> 00:54:34,770
about guys jerking off
on each other.

1464
00:54:34,854 --> 00:54:36,188
NED: Why'd you tell me
it was overwhelming?

1465
00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,523
Justine brought it up!

1466
00:54:37,691 --> 00:54:40,192
I hope this is an opportune
time to show a video.

1467
00:54:40,360 --> 00:54:41,318
LAIRD: It's not.

1468
00:54:41,403 --> 00:54:42,695
NED: Oh, God!
TYSON: Yeah.

1469
00:54:42,862 --> 00:54:44,530
Oh, and this
is a teaching moment.

1470
00:54:44,698 --> 00:54:45,990
Here's another.
NED: Oh, my God.

1471
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:47,199
STEPHANIE: No. Scotty.
NED: Don't look at that.

1472
00:54:47,367 --> 00:54:49,159
It's all good.
You don't have to see this.

1473
00:54:49,327 --> 00:54:50,869
Is that you?

1474
00:54:54,374 --> 00:54:55,416
No.

1475
00:54:55,583 --> 00:54:56,834
LAIRD: Oh, my God.

1476
00:55:00,213 --> 00:55:01,880
<i>(RAGE THE NIGHT AWAY PLAYING)</i>

1477
00:55:03,800 --> 00:55:06,218
(CROWD CHEERING)

1478
00:55:06,344 --> 00:55:08,012
<i>We alive right now, now</i>

1479
00:55:09,723 --> 00:55:11,056
<i>Let's get hot right now</i>

1480
00:55:11,599 --> 00:55:13,475
<i>We don't give a damn
about money</i>

1481
00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:14,935
<i>We alive right now</i>

1482
00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:17,313
<i>All we do is party, party</i>

1483
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:18,522
<i>And get hot right now</i>

1484
00:55:21,735 --> 00:55:24,653
(SCREAMING)

1485
00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,071
Are you okay?

1486
00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:28,949
BOTH: Yeah!

1487
00:55:29,117 --> 00:55:30,576
Come on, Daddy.
You're okay!

1488
00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:32,578
Okay, I just need to
take a breather. One...

1489
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:35,581
<i>Do it again...</i>

1490
00:55:35,749 --> 00:55:37,333
<i>Lost my mind,
I'm a lose it again</i>

1491
00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:39,043
I love this kid.

1492
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:41,378
Oh, my God!

1493
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,047
<i>Rage, rage the night away</i>

1494
00:55:43,131 --> 00:55:44,715
<i>Forget about the money
I spent today</i>

1495
00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,508
<i>Rage, rage the night away</i>

1496
00:55:46,593 --> 00:55:49,386
DDT your ass.
I love you, dawg.

1497
00:55:50,472 --> 00:55:52,431
<i>Forget about the money
I spent today</i>

1498
00:55:52,891 --> 00:55:54,433
(CHEERING)

1499
00:55:54,768 --> 00:55:57,436
(SHOUTING)

1500
00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:03,776
(SCREAMING)

1501
00:56:10,116 --> 00:56:11,241
Hi, Pops.

1502
00:56:12,827 --> 00:56:14,328
I just need some fresh air.
Can I come?

1503
00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:25,756
We've always been straight
with each other, haven't we?

1504
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:26,924
Yeah, of course.

1505
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:28,258
Okay, I need to
ask you a question.

1506
00:56:28,343 --> 00:56:29,468
And I mean this honestly.

1507
00:56:29,636 --> 00:56:30,844
Okay. What?

1508
00:56:31,012 --> 00:56:32,012
You're scaring me.

1509
00:56:32,097 --> 00:56:33,138
No. It's just...

1510
00:56:34,349 --> 00:56:35,349
What?

1511
00:56:36,434 --> 00:56:37,643
Why Laird?

1512
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:39,144
I mean, come on.
Oh, my God.

1513
00:56:39,312 --> 00:56:40,938
Why?
(GROANS) Dad.

1514
00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:43,107
You are so smart
and you're beautiful.

1515
00:56:43,274 --> 00:56:45,484
You could be dating anyone.
Why?

1516
00:56:45,652 --> 00:56:46,944
I don't get it.
You want the truth?

1517
00:56:47,112 --> 00:56:48,278
Yes.

1518
00:56:48,780 --> 00:56:50,656
He kind of reminds me of you.

1519
00:56:52,158 --> 00:56:53,158
What?

1520
00:56:54,327 --> 00:56:55,494
Me?
Yes.

1521
00:56:55,662 --> 00:56:57,413
Okay, I need you
to explain that one.

1522
00:56:57,497 --> 00:56:58,497
How?

1523
00:56:58,623 --> 00:57:01,166
You're both the most honest
and authentic men that I know.

1524
00:57:01,334 --> 00:57:02,709
It comes out
in totally different ways.

1525
00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:03,794
Oh, well...

1526
00:57:03,878 --> 00:57:05,337
Laird has literally no filter.

1527
00:57:05,505 --> 00:57:08,048
I don't know that to be true.
Is that right?

1528
00:57:08,216 --> 00:57:09,716
Okay.
Sorry.

1529
00:57:09,884 --> 00:57:11,844
Trying to help you out here.
(SIGHS)

1530
00:57:12,137 --> 00:57:14,847
But I swear his heart
is always in the right place.

1531
00:57:17,684 --> 00:57:19,351
He's a very good guy.

1532
00:57:20,395 --> 00:57:21,854
And I love him.

1533
00:57:26,860 --> 00:57:27,860
You love him?

1534
00:57:33,700 --> 00:57:34,992
(WHINES)
What?

1535
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:37,244
I'm processing.

1536
00:57:37,412 --> 00:57:38,537
We had the...
Very funny, Dad.

1537
00:57:40,373 --> 00:57:42,166
Okay. Okay.

1538
00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:44,543
Just try to be cordial.

1539
00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:45,752
I will. I'll try.

1540
00:57:45,920 --> 00:57:47,588
Okay? I'll try.
Try to what?

1541
00:57:47,755 --> 00:57:49,381
I'll try to just...

1542
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:55,053
...understand
that person better.

1543
00:57:56,264 --> 00:57:57,639
(LAUGHS)

1544
00:57:57,724 --> 00:57:58,724
Come here.

1545
00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:10,777
Hey.

1546
00:58:12,739 --> 00:58:13,697
Hi.

1547
00:58:13,781 --> 00:58:16,700
(SIGHS) Long night.
What are you doing?

1548
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:19,578
Just chilling.

1549
00:58:20,580 --> 00:58:22,623
Barb, is that my shirt?

1550
00:58:22,790 --> 00:58:24,708
I don't know, is it?

1551
00:58:24,876 --> 00:58:26,418
Want me to take it off?

1552
00:58:26,586 --> 00:58:29,129
Would you, please? I only
brought two dress shirts.

1553
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:30,547
I really don't feel
like ironing

1554
00:58:30,632 --> 00:58:32,090
while I'm on this trip.

1555
00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:35,552
(GROANS) I'm so exhausted.

1556
00:58:37,555 --> 00:58:38,639
Oh, yeah.

1557
00:58:38,806 --> 00:58:40,098
Take it off, baby.

1558
00:58:40,266 --> 00:58:43,727
Yeah! Take it off.
Take off those shoes, girl.

1559
00:58:43,895 --> 00:58:47,147
Let me see those feet.
I wanna see those feet!

1560
00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:48,649
Did you hit your head
or something?

1561
00:58:48,816 --> 00:58:51,109
Yeah. Let me
smell that shoe.

1562
00:58:51,236 --> 00:58:52,194
You don't wanna
smell my shoe.

1563
00:58:52,278 --> 00:58:53,278
Yeah, I want feet!

1564
00:58:53,404 --> 00:58:55,447
I want those feet
out of those socks.

1565
00:58:55,615 --> 00:58:56,907
Barb, what happened to you?

1566
00:58:57,075 --> 00:58:58,951
I am so stoned right now.

1567
00:58:59,077 --> 00:59:00,077
What?

1568
00:59:00,245 --> 00:59:02,329
Yeah, I am so baked.

1569
00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:04,289
I am like super baked.

1570
00:59:04,457 --> 00:59:06,625
Barb. What? Where did you? (LAUGHS)

1571
00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:09,419
I was very lonely
after you guys left.

1572
00:59:09,587 --> 00:59:13,924
And I saw this guy,
and he had a cigarette.

1573
00:59:14,092 --> 00:59:16,510
I thought it was one of those
electronic cigarettes.

1574
00:59:16,678 --> 00:59:17,761
They're called E-cigs.

1575
00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:18,845
Yeah.

1576
00:59:19,013 --> 00:59:20,806
But turns out...

1577
00:59:20,974 --> 00:59:22,808
I was vaping.

1578
00:59:22,976 --> 00:59:24,017
What?

1579
00:59:24,185 --> 00:59:25,477
I was vaping.

1580
00:59:25,645 --> 00:59:26,645
What is that?

1581
00:59:26,813 --> 00:59:29,773
It's marijuana that comes
out of some kind of machine.

1582
00:59:29,941 --> 00:59:31,650
Keep your voice down!
Ned, it's legal.

1583
00:59:31,818 --> 00:59:34,653
Oh, this poor boy
had it for sleep apnea.

1584
00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:37,656
At his age? So sad.
I'm going to bed. That's it.

1585
00:59:37,824 --> 00:59:39,700
No, no, no. Wait!

1586
00:59:39,867 --> 00:59:40,993
Barbara, I'm tired.
Wait a minute. (MUTTERS)

1587
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:42,160
And I've got a headache.

1588
00:59:42,328 --> 00:59:44,329
Let's play a little bit, huh?
No, no.

1589
00:59:44,497 --> 00:59:46,623
I'll give you
one of my patented massages.

1590
00:59:46,708 --> 00:59:48,125
Barb.
Let's take the Little Cheese

1591
00:59:48,209 --> 00:59:49,334
out for a spin.
No, no, no.

1592
00:59:49,460 --> 00:59:50,836
Come on, let me just see him.
Don't.

1593
00:59:51,004 --> 00:59:52,462
I just want to see him.
Don't call him that.

1594
00:59:52,630 --> 00:59:53,714
Please. Come on.

1595
00:59:53,881 --> 00:59:54,923
Oh, my God!

1596
00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,551
You used to love getting high
and fooling around.

1597
00:59:57,719 --> 00:59:59,136
What? Barb! No, Barb.

1598
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:00,887
We're on vacation!
But someone could walk...

1599
01:00:01,055 --> 01:00:02,514
There's no locks
on the door!

1600
01:00:02,682 --> 01:00:03,682
What?

1601
01:00:03,850 --> 01:00:06,560
Justine! Do you have any Kiss?

1602
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,353
JUSTINE: Oh, hell yeah!

1603
01:00:08,521 --> 01:00:09,855
<i>Are you kids gonna do it?
Yes.</i>

1604
01:00:10,023 --> 01:00:12,190
NED: No.
We're doing it already.

1605
01:00:12,358 --> 01:00:13,650
We're doing it right now.
Barb!

1606
01:00:13,818 --> 01:00:15,068
I'm doing it with my feet.
One foot.

1607
01:00:15,236 --> 01:00:17,362
That's Kiss!
Honey, you love Kiss!

1608
01:00:17,530 --> 01:00:18,905
But not right now.

1609
01:00:19,073 --> 01:00:21,408
<i>(I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU
PLAYING)</i>

1610
01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:25,370
<i>Ned was made for loving Barb</i>

1611
01:00:25,538 --> 01:00:26,538
Yell!

1612
01:00:26,706 --> 01:00:30,042
(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)

1613
01:00:31,336 --> 01:00:32,961
Yeah. Yeah.

1614
01:00:33,046 --> 01:00:34,087
Look what I learned
at the party.

1615
01:00:34,172 --> 01:00:35,172
What?

1616
01:00:35,256 --> 01:00:37,174
There was this real cute girl,
and she was going like this.

1617
01:00:37,258 --> 01:00:39,051
(EXCLAIMING)

1618
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:41,053
She was doing this cute,
new dance.

1619
01:00:41,220 --> 01:00:42,888
You're gonna
throw your back out.

1620
01:00:43,056 --> 01:00:44,681
I'm not gonna throw my...

1621
01:00:44,849 --> 01:00:45,932
I'll throw you out.

1622
01:00:46,100 --> 01:00:47,684
Let me get on you.
Wait, do you smell that?

1623
01:00:47,852 --> 01:00:49,436
I'm putting him in.
What is that scent?

1624
01:00:49,604 --> 01:00:50,771
There. Oh, it's in.

1625
01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:52,689
(MOANING)

1626
01:00:52,899 --> 01:00:54,566
What is that?
(GASPS) Oh, my God.

1627
01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:55,776
Oh, my God!

1628
01:00:55,943 --> 01:00:58,904
Is that Indian Summer
by Priscilla Presley?

1629
01:00:59,072 --> 01:01:01,239
I used to wear
that perfume in the 90s.

1630
01:01:01,407 --> 01:01:03,241
<i>JUSTINE: Yup, pumping some in.</i>

1631
01:01:03,409 --> 01:01:06,119
<i>I saw you mentioned it on your
college reunion's Facebook page.</i>

1632
01:01:06,287 --> 01:01:07,913
<i>I know what you like, Ned.</i>

1633
01:01:08,081 --> 01:01:09,956
Oh, I know you do, dawg.

1634
01:01:10,124 --> 01:01:12,376
Yeah, get in there. Get it!

1635
01:01:12,543 --> 01:01:14,044
Barb!
Get you some!

1636
01:01:14,212 --> 01:01:15,962
Get it! Good. Oh, that's...
Okay.

1637
01:01:16,130 --> 01:01:17,589
Yeah. You're almost in there.

1638
01:01:17,757 --> 01:01:19,591
No, you're, like,
six inches away from it.

1639
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:22,052
Get in there.
Yeah, that's the spirit.

1640
01:01:22,220 --> 01:01:23,762
Barb.
Oh! Yeah!

1641
01:01:23,930 --> 01:01:24,930
Barb!
That's good.

1642
01:01:25,098 --> 01:01:26,932
Oh, that's good.
You're getting into it now.

1643
01:01:27,100 --> 01:01:28,225
That's it!
(SQUEALS) No!

1644
01:01:28,393 --> 01:01:30,477
No, no! Take me! Yes! Take me!

1645
01:01:30,645 --> 01:01:31,728
I'm not...
Take me.

1646
01:01:31,896 --> 01:01:33,647
I'm taking you right to bed.
That's what I'm doing.

1647
01:01:33,815 --> 01:01:35,065
(SQUEALING)
Here you go. Yes.

1648
01:01:35,149 --> 01:01:36,274
No, I wanna do sex.

1649
01:01:36,442 --> 01:01:37,734
We are not gonna do sex.
No, honey.

1650
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:38,902
But I want to.

1651
01:01:39,070 --> 01:01:40,278
Justine, turn all the music
off please...

1652
01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:41,446
I wanna do it.

1653
01:01:41,614 --> 01:01:42,989
...and leave us alone
for the rest of the night.

1654
01:01:43,157 --> 01:01:44,408
It's gonna be
full penetration!

1655
01:01:44,575 --> 01:01:45,784
NED: Would you stop!

1656
01:01:46,077 --> 01:01:48,203
(SIGHS, SNIFFLES)

1657
01:01:49,872 --> 01:01:51,623
JUSTINE: Psst... Hey, girl.

1658
01:01:52,250 --> 01:01:53,625
<i>Fifth button from the right.</i>

1659
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:56,294
<i>You'll thank me later.</i>

1660
01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:05,470
(NOZZLE HISSING)

1661
01:02:10,435 --> 01:02:12,728
<i>Mama, won't you please let me
Mama, won't you please let me</i>

1662
01:02:12,812 --> 01:02:13,979
Mmm...

1663
01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:15,147
<i>Mama, won't you please let me</i>

1664
01:02:25,116 --> 01:02:27,409
<i>Mama do the hump
mama do the hump hump</i>

1665
01:02:27,493 --> 01:02:29,828
<i>Mama won't you please
let me do the hump hump</i>

1666
01:02:29,996 --> 01:02:32,330
<i>Mama do the hump
mama do the hump hump</i>

1667
01:02:32,498 --> 01:02:34,833
<i>Mama won't you please
let me do the hump hump</i>

1668
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:37,335
<i>Mama do the hump
mama do the hump hump</i>

1669
01:02:37,462 --> 01:02:39,671
<i>Mama won't you please
let me do the hump hump</i>

1670
01:02:39,839 --> 01:02:42,174
<i>Mama do the hump
mama do the hump hump</i>

1671
01:02:42,300 --> 01:02:44,634
<i>Mama won't you please
let me do the hump hump</i>

1672
01:02:46,345 --> 01:02:49,514
(CALLING)

1673
01:02:52,852 --> 01:02:54,019
There we go, girls.

1674
01:03:03,821 --> 01:03:05,030
(CONTINUES CALLING)

1675
01:03:10,870 --> 01:03:12,370
(SQUAWKING)
(GRUNTS)

1676
01:03:30,431 --> 01:03:31,431
Oh!

1677
01:03:32,391 --> 01:03:33,558
Okay. You all right?

1678
01:03:33,726 --> 01:03:35,227
Yeah. Oh, man.

1679
01:03:35,394 --> 01:03:36,436
That's it.

1680
01:03:36,604 --> 01:03:37,729
Dude, I thought
I was gonna make it.

1681
01:03:37,897 --> 01:03:39,397
I know. You almost did, but...

1682
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:41,608
Very good evasive parkour.

1683
01:03:41,734 --> 01:03:43,401
Yes, but the last move
you ate shit.

1684
01:03:43,569 --> 01:03:44,694
I know.
(GUSTAV LAUGHS)

1685
01:03:44,862 --> 01:03:46,029
GUSTAV: I'll put you
on the table later

1686
01:03:46,113 --> 01:03:47,405
and we'll do
a little adjustment.

1687
01:04:00,253 --> 01:04:01,586
Ah!

1688
01:04:02,088 --> 01:04:05,423
Christmas tree shopping
with the Big Cheese.

1689
01:04:05,591 --> 01:04:07,759
Ned, you don't know
how excited I am about this.

1690
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:09,886
I don't know
if I ever mentioned this,

1691
01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:12,097
but I never had a father
to do this kind of stuff with.

1692
01:04:12,265 --> 01:04:14,599
I'm glad we're getting
a chance to hang out.

1693
01:04:15,601 --> 01:04:16,643
That's nice.

1694
01:04:17,937 --> 01:04:19,771
Uh, it's not getting me hard.

1695
01:04:20,731 --> 01:04:23,066
You need an erection
to buy a Christmas tree?

1696
01:04:23,651 --> 01:04:24,651
Helps.

1697
01:04:24,944 --> 01:04:26,111
(CHUCKLES)

1698
01:04:26,612 --> 01:04:27,946
I wanna get to
know you better.

1699
01:04:28,114 --> 01:04:29,447
I mean, you're so perfect.

1700
01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:32,367
Seriously, did you always
have your shit together?

1701
01:04:32,451 --> 01:04:33,451
Oh, heck no.

1702
01:04:33,578 --> 01:04:35,328
I got fired selling Datsuns.

1703
01:04:37,415 --> 01:04:39,791
How'd you fuck up
selling little dogs?

1704
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,961
No. Datsuns.

1705
01:04:43,629 --> 01:04:44,671
What's that?

1706
01:04:44,755 --> 01:04:45,922
It's a car. Doesn't matter.

1707
01:04:46,090 --> 01:04:47,340
It doesn't exist anymore.

1708
01:04:47,508 --> 01:04:49,009
But you're still here.

1709
01:04:49,427 --> 01:04:50,468
(SCOFFS)

1710
01:04:50,678 --> 01:04:53,847
You ever get nervous
about shifting tides?

1711
01:04:54,015 --> 01:04:57,642
Well, you know, every business
has its ups and downs.

1712
01:04:57,810 --> 01:04:59,352
Yeah, I know it, bro.

1713
01:04:59,520 --> 01:05:01,980
Guerrilla Gang, it's been
struggling a little bit.

1714
01:05:02,815 --> 01:05:04,149
Really?

1715
01:05:04,317 --> 01:05:06,610
Yeah, it's just a fucking
tough landscape, dude.

1716
01:05:08,362 --> 01:05:10,530
What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.

1717
01:05:11,782 --> 01:05:13,491
Whoa. (EXHALES)

1718
01:05:14,201 --> 01:05:16,661
Chills. Did you
come up with that?

1719
01:05:17,830 --> 01:05:19,164
No, Laird.

1720
01:05:21,334 --> 01:05:22,334
Whoa, whoa.

1721
01:05:23,711 --> 01:05:25,045
There she blows, Ned.

1722
01:05:25,546 --> 01:05:27,213
It's our motherfucking tree.

1723
01:05:27,381 --> 01:05:29,633
Why not? It'll look great
opposite your moose.

1724
01:05:30,343 --> 01:05:32,385
Ned, Ned. Not that one.

1725
01:05:33,804 --> 01:05:35,013
That one.

1726
01:05:38,225 --> 01:05:39,976
Oh, no. See, Laird...

1727
01:05:40,144 --> 01:05:41,519
that doesn't belong
to this lot.

1728
01:05:41,687 --> 01:05:42,687
See, it's owned by...

1729
01:05:42,855 --> 01:05:44,689
Wet games?
Wewt Games.

1730
01:05:44,857 --> 01:05:46,066
Like, 'woot-woot'.

1731
01:05:46,192 --> 01:05:47,651
I know those dudes.
They're dicks.

1732
01:05:47,818 --> 01:05:49,402
<i>Tried to rip off
Ape Assassins.</i>

1733
01:05:49,570 --> 01:05:51,821
Plus, it's the first Christmas
with the family, dude.

1734
01:05:51,989 --> 01:05:52,989
Gotta do it right.

1735
01:05:53,157 --> 01:05:54,115
Hey, buddy.

1736
01:05:54,200 --> 01:05:55,200
Yeah.

1737
01:05:55,326 --> 01:05:56,660
Can I borrow that chainsaw?

1738
01:05:56,827 --> 01:05:57,869
Are you serious?

1739
01:05:58,537 --> 01:05:59,537
Yeah.

1740
01:06:00,373 --> 01:06:02,207
(GRUNTING) Fucking...

1741
01:06:02,917 --> 01:06:04,042
Come on.

1742
01:06:05,711 --> 01:06:06,878
Will you hurry up?

1743
01:06:07,046 --> 01:06:08,546
I'm trying.

1744
01:06:08,714 --> 01:06:11,049
Come on, guy.
I need my chainsaw back.

1745
01:06:11,217 --> 01:06:12,550
Just give me a second.

1746
01:06:12,718 --> 01:06:13,969
Should we call
an ambulance now,

1747
01:06:14,053 --> 01:06:15,387
or wait till
he loses a finger?

1748
01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:18,556
Can I borrow those?

1749
01:06:19,517 --> 01:06:20,684
Have at it.

1750
01:06:21,435 --> 01:06:22,769
Okay. Laird just...

1751
01:06:22,937 --> 01:06:23,979
Okay.

1752
01:06:24,063 --> 01:06:25,063
Hand it over?

1753
01:06:25,189 --> 01:06:26,231
You sure, Ned?
Yup.

1754
01:06:31,779 --> 01:06:33,530
(MOTOR STARTS)
Oh!

1755
01:06:34,031 --> 01:06:35,907
Total fucking Dad move!

1756
01:06:37,868 --> 01:06:40,412
<i>(ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE
PLAYING)</i>

1757
01:06:48,087 --> 01:06:51,798
(MOUTHING) Oh, shit!

1758
01:06:51,924 --> 01:06:54,467
<i>You keep on dancing
and the room gets hot</i>

1759
01:06:55,094 --> 01:06:58,304
<i>You drive us wild,
we'll drive you crazy</i>

1760
01:07:01,142 --> 01:07:05,395
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night...</i>

1761
01:07:06,480 --> 01:07:08,231
Love Kiss!

1762
01:07:09,817 --> 01:07:11,276
Kiss, baby!

1763
01:07:11,444 --> 01:07:12,819
These guys are awesome!

1764
01:07:12,987 --> 01:07:15,655
Stephanie and I do karaoke
to Kiss all the time.

1765
01:07:15,823 --> 01:07:17,782
Dude, I know,
that's why I put it on!

1766
01:07:17,950 --> 01:07:19,784
And we do
a pretty good job, too,

1767
01:07:19,952 --> 01:07:21,119
if I might say so.
Oh, man.

1768
01:07:21,620 --> 01:07:23,246
That's cute.
Yeah.

1769
01:07:23,956 --> 01:07:24,956
(SIGHS)

1770
01:07:25,082 --> 01:07:27,584
Listen, Laird,
I've been thinking about

1771
01:07:27,668 --> 01:07:29,294
our teepee talk yesterday.

1772
01:07:29,462 --> 01:07:30,962
Oh, dude, me too.

1773
01:07:31,130 --> 01:07:32,964
I've got so many ideas
for the proposal.

1774
01:07:33,132 --> 01:07:34,966
No.
No. Ned, hear me out.

1775
01:07:35,134 --> 01:07:37,302
I was thinking about
getting the Goodyear blimp,

1776
01:07:37,470 --> 01:07:38,553
releasing a thousand doves.

1777
01:07:38,637 --> 01:07:39,679
No. Wait.

1778
01:07:39,847 --> 01:07:41,181
Laird, just hold on
a second, okay?

1779
01:07:41,307 --> 01:07:42,307
Slow down.
Okay.

1780
01:07:42,808 --> 01:07:46,102
Look, I get it that Stephanie
really likes you.

1781
01:07:46,270 --> 01:07:47,270
But...
Uh-huh.

1782
01:07:47,938 --> 01:07:49,647
Look. Man to man.
Yeah.

1783
01:07:49,815 --> 01:07:52,358
Now is not the time.

1784
01:07:52,526 --> 01:07:55,612
Dude, Ned, I thought we were
getting past all that.

1785
01:07:55,780 --> 01:07:57,155
No, it's not me.

1786
01:07:57,323 --> 01:07:58,490
It's all about Stephanie.

1787
01:07:58,657 --> 01:07:59,699
Stephanie?
Yes.

1788
01:07:59,825 --> 01:08:00,825
I don't know, dude.

1789
01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:03,995
These last few semesters
are gonna be so intense.

1790
01:08:04,163 --> 01:08:05,622
And then there's graduation,

1791
01:08:05,706 --> 01:08:06,998
and she'll be
looking for a job.

1792
01:08:07,166 --> 01:08:08,666
And who knows
where that will take her.

1793
01:08:08,834 --> 01:08:10,376
It's just...
All right, Ned...

1794
01:08:10,544 --> 01:08:11,753
I wasn't supposed to
tell you this,

1795
01:08:11,837 --> 01:08:13,546
but I just wanna
put your mind at ease.

1796
01:08:15,299 --> 01:08:18,176
Stephanie is not going back
to school next semester.

1797
01:08:19,845 --> 01:08:20,845
What?

1798
01:08:21,222 --> 01:08:24,974
Dude, I know you're probably
shocked, but do not worry.

1799
01:08:25,142 --> 01:08:26,851
She's already
got this awesome job

1800
01:08:26,936 --> 01:08:28,520
lined up
at this non-profit.

1801
01:08:28,687 --> 01:08:29,687
(STAMMERS)

1802
01:08:29,855 --> 01:08:32,023
What organization
is that exactly?

1803
01:08:33,234 --> 01:08:36,861
She's going to be president of
the Laird Mayhew Foundation.

1804
01:08:41,742 --> 01:08:43,243
That's me.

1805
01:08:45,037 --> 01:08:46,204
Stephanie!

1806
01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,372
Barb?

1807
01:08:47,540 --> 01:08:50,083
Everybody upstairs right now,
family meeting!

1808
01:08:50,334 --> 01:08:51,793
<i>JUSTINE: Ned, would you like
me to schedule a meeting?</i>

1809
01:08:51,919 --> 01:08:52,961
Oh, fuck off!

1810
01:08:53,045 --> 01:08:54,003
<i>Just trying to help.</i>

1811
01:08:54,088 --> 01:08:55,421
<i>You don't always have to be
such an asshole.</i>

1812
01:08:55,589 --> 01:08:56,840
Yes, I do!

1813
01:08:57,550 --> 01:08:59,384
Dad.
You are so dead.

1814
01:08:59,552 --> 01:09:02,011
Shut up. Of course
I was going to tell you.

1815
01:09:02,179 --> 01:09:03,680
I told Mom yesterday
at the mall.

1816
01:09:03,848 --> 01:09:05,723
I was just waiting for
the right time to bring it up

1817
01:09:05,891 --> 01:09:07,142
and that hasn't happened.
Wait a minute.

1818
01:09:07,226 --> 01:09:08,226
You knew?

1819
01:09:08,352 --> 01:09:12,397
Honestly, honey, we thought
you might freak out.

1820
01:09:12,565 --> 01:09:14,440
So we decided to wait until

1821
01:09:14,567 --> 01:09:16,776
after Christmas
to bring it up.

1822
01:09:16,944 --> 01:09:18,945
But, okay, he told you
about the foundation, right?

1823
01:09:19,113 --> 01:09:20,864
Yes.
Yes, okay.

1824
01:09:21,031 --> 01:09:22,323
This is a big part of
why I wanted you

1825
01:09:22,408 --> 01:09:24,450
to come out here
and meet Laird.

1826
01:09:25,411 --> 01:09:28,955
Stephanie, even if he wasn't
this abject lunatic,

1827
01:09:29,123 --> 01:09:30,248
which he is,

1828
01:09:30,416 --> 01:09:33,293
I still wouldn't
understand why.

1829
01:09:33,460 --> 01:09:34,961
You've only got
a few semesters left

1830
01:09:35,087 --> 01:09:36,212
before you graduate.

1831
01:09:36,380 --> 01:09:38,089
Why would you
just throw that away?

1832
01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:39,424
I'm not throwing
anything away, Dad.

1833
01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:40,675
The year I spent
in Central America

1834
01:09:40,759 --> 01:09:42,093
doing this kind of work,

1835
01:09:43,137 --> 01:09:46,431
I know you think that I'm
making some rash decision

1836
01:09:46,599 --> 01:09:47,599
and I'm not.

1837
01:09:47,766 --> 01:09:50,101
We've spent months
figuring it out.

1838
01:09:50,269 --> 01:09:51,519
All the months

1839
01:09:51,604 --> 01:09:53,730
where you didn't even tell us
you had a boyfriend.

1840
01:09:53,898 --> 01:09:54,898
All those months?

1841
01:09:55,316 --> 01:09:56,774
Darling...

1842
01:09:56,942 --> 01:09:58,443
I think you should
hear her out

1843
01:09:58,611 --> 01:10:00,945
because it actually sounds
very interesting.

1844
01:10:01,071 --> 01:10:02,030
Does it?

1845
01:10:02,114 --> 01:10:04,115
STEPHANIE: Are you
willing to listen to me?

1846
01:10:04,283 --> 01:10:05,283
Give it your best shot.

1847
01:10:06,118 --> 01:10:08,786
The plan is to focus
on women's health

1848
01:10:08,954 --> 01:10:10,622
as a function of environmental
change in the Third World.

1849
01:10:10,789 --> 01:10:11,748
Right.
All right.

1850
01:10:11,832 --> 01:10:12,916
And when all that
goes belly-up,

1851
01:10:13,000 --> 01:10:14,083
you know what
you're left with?

1852
01:10:14,251 --> 01:10:16,294
What?
Being a college dropout.

1853
01:10:16,462 --> 01:10:17,962
That's it.
You don't get it.

1854
01:10:18,130 --> 01:10:19,130
Oh, I don't get it?

1855
01:10:19,298 --> 01:10:20,965
No, you just, like,
don't get it at all.

1856
01:10:21,300 --> 01:10:22,800
Oh. What is that?

1857
01:10:24,261 --> 01:10:25,428
It's a tattoo.

1858
01:10:25,596 --> 01:10:26,971
With his name?
You got a tattoo?

1859
01:10:27,139 --> 01:10:29,098
You've marked your body
with his name on it.

1860
01:10:29,266 --> 01:10:30,350
Look at that, Barb!

1861
01:10:30,517 --> 01:10:31,976
Oh, no.

1862
01:10:32,144 --> 01:10:33,853
That is so cute.

1863
01:10:34,021 --> 01:10:35,146
SCOTTY: Let me see.
I wanna see.

1864
01:10:35,314 --> 01:10:37,190
Laird's been telling me
I should get a neck tat.

1865
01:10:37,358 --> 01:10:38,608
I see what
Laird is doing here.

1866
01:10:38,776 --> 01:10:40,610
I see what he's doing.
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

1867
01:10:40,778 --> 01:10:44,155
He is trying to put his
imprint on this entire family.

1868
01:10:44,323 --> 01:10:47,450
And that is why we've got
all these secrets now.

1869
01:10:47,618 --> 01:10:48,993
And it's all because of him!

1870
01:10:49,161 --> 01:10:51,037
Why do you have such
a big problem with Laird?

1871
01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:53,039
Great question. You know why? Why?

1872
01:10:53,207 --> 01:10:55,166
Because of his influence,

1873
01:10:55,334 --> 01:10:56,668
you drop out of college.

1874
01:10:56,835 --> 01:10:59,045
Because of his influence,
you get a "too. "

1875
01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:00,296
Dad, I think you mean "tat. "

1876
01:11:00,381 --> 01:11:01,381
You definitely mean "tat. "

1877
01:11:01,465 --> 01:11:02,465
I mean "tat?"
It's not a "too?"

1878
01:11:02,633 --> 01:11:03,633
"Tat. " No, it's not a "too. "
No.

1879
01:11:03,801 --> 01:11:05,301
No, I saw it on Geraldo.

1880
01:11:05,469 --> 01:11:07,220
They call them "toos," okay?
Okay.

1881
01:11:07,388 --> 01:11:09,472
This is what's going to be
your downward spiral.

1882
01:11:09,640 --> 01:11:11,224
First you get a tattoo,

1883
01:11:11,392 --> 01:11:13,017
then you start vaporizing.

1884
01:11:13,185 --> 01:11:14,811
What?
NED: You're vaporizing.

1885
01:11:14,979 --> 01:11:16,521
STEPHANIE:
What are you talking about?

1886
01:11:16,689 --> 01:11:19,649
When you have...
It's an e-cigarette.

1887
01:11:19,817 --> 01:11:22,485
But instead of tobacco
or a fake tobacco,

1888
01:11:22,653 --> 01:11:24,362
no, you have marijuana
in that e-cigarette.

1889
01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:25,738
Dad, I know what it is.
Yeah.

1890
01:11:25,906 --> 01:11:27,323
How do you know
what it is?

1891
01:11:27,491 --> 01:11:30,368
Because I've been around.
Haven't I?

1892
01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:32,036
(STUTTERS)

1893
01:11:32,162 --> 01:11:33,204
Mm-hmm.

1894
01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,956
Then you go
from there to heroin.

1895
01:11:35,040 --> 01:11:36,082
Mm-hmm, that's right.

1896
01:11:36,250 --> 01:11:38,459
After that, after you
get hooked on drugs,

1897
01:11:38,544 --> 01:11:39,585
you know what happens next?

1898
01:11:39,712 --> 01:11:40,670
What?

1899
01:11:40,754 --> 01:11:41,754
You'll become a hooker,
a prostitute...

1900
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:43,006
a pimp's bitch.

1901
01:11:43,090 --> 01:11:44,757
That's what's
going to happen to you.

1902
01:11:44,925 --> 01:11:46,217
I see it very clearly.

1903
01:11:46,385 --> 01:11:48,886
Oh, my...
How long do I have?

1904
01:11:49,054 --> 01:11:50,930
I'm glad you asked.
Not long.

1905
01:11:51,098 --> 01:11:54,225
You keep going down this path,
at this rate, not long.

1906
01:11:54,393 --> 01:11:56,894
You're clearly not in a place
to listen to me right now.

1907
01:11:57,062 --> 01:11:58,062
So I'm gonna go.

1908
01:11:58,230 --> 01:11:59,564
Thank you, Pops,
for the guidance.

1909
01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:00,898
Thank you.
You're welcome.

1910
01:12:36,477 --> 01:12:38,478
<i>(BAD MOTHER FUCKER PLAYING)</i>

1911
01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:49,447
<i>When the line froze,
what did I see?</i>

1912
01:12:49,907 --> 01:12:52,116
<i>A bad mother fucker
standing next to me</i>

1913
01:12:52,409 --> 01:12:53,451
Boom!

1914
01:12:54,119 --> 01:12:55,620
(EXCLAIMING)

1915
01:12:57,623 --> 01:12:59,957
<i>Be free like a bird
so today I'ma fly</i>

1916
01:13:00,125 --> 01:13:02,585
<i>Bad, bad motherfucker
'til the day I die</i>

1917
01:13:04,004 --> 01:13:05,588
Boss, let me
get this straight.

1918
01:13:05,756 --> 01:13:06,881
You want me
to hack into

1919
01:13:06,965 --> 01:13:08,800
Stephanie's
boyfriend's computer

1920
01:13:08,967 --> 01:13:10,551
and find out
if there's any record

1921
01:13:10,636 --> 01:13:12,136
of him starting a foundation?

1922
01:13:12,304 --> 01:13:13,304
Yes, I do.

1923
01:13:13,472 --> 01:13:15,390
Listen, Kevin,
you are my IT guy.

1924
01:13:15,474 --> 01:13:16,682
I've got nowhere else to turn.

1925
01:13:16,850 --> 01:13:19,143
You know I've always thought
so highly of Stephanie.

1926
01:13:19,311 --> 01:13:21,646
<i>Yeah, she thinks
a lot about you.</i>

1927
01:13:21,814 --> 01:13:23,689
Really? Oh, yeah.

1928
01:13:23,857 --> 01:13:25,650
<i>That's so crazy.
Now, listen.</i>

1929
01:13:25,818 --> 01:13:27,026
I know that this character
has money,

1930
01:13:27,194 --> 01:13:28,986
but there's something about
this whole foundation

1931
01:13:29,154 --> 01:13:30,488
that sounds like
a bunch of hooey.

1932
01:13:30,656 --> 01:13:34,033
If this guy's running hooey,
then I'm gonna find out.

1933
01:13:34,201 --> 01:13:35,410
<i>Okay,
first thing's first, Ned,</i>

1934
01:13:35,494 --> 01:13:37,036
<i>you have to break into
his computer</i>

1935
01:13:37,204 --> 01:13:39,831
<i>and download a program
that I'm gonna send you.</i>

1936
01:13:39,998 --> 01:13:41,332
That's hacking?

1937
01:13:43,836 --> 01:13:46,003
<i>I took a shower,
washing every body part...</i>

1938
01:13:47,464 --> 01:13:49,340
Yeah, okay.
I'm getting online.

1939
01:13:50,008 --> 01:13:51,050
(KEVIN GRUNTS)

1940
01:13:51,176 --> 01:13:53,010
Kevin, what are you doing?
Huh, baby?

1941
01:13:53,178 --> 01:13:55,388
Oh, I'm helping Ned
with something IT-related.

1942
01:13:55,556 --> 01:13:56,848
Oh, tell Ned I said hi.

1943
01:13:57,015 --> 01:13:58,015
Okay.

1944
01:13:58,892 --> 01:14:00,017
<i>KEVIN: All right, webcam's on.</i>

1945
01:14:01,395 --> 01:14:02,728
(WHISPERS)
Okay, I'm in the office.

1946
01:14:02,896 --> 01:14:04,856
<i>All right, now get
in front of the computer.</i>

1947
01:14:05,023 --> 01:14:07,900
All right, good.
Press the spacebar.

1948
01:14:09,361 --> 01:14:11,362
Oh, darn.
It's asking for a password.

1949
01:14:11,488 --> 01:14:12,447
<i>No surprise.</i>

1950
01:14:12,531 --> 01:14:16,200
<i>A lot of guys have passwords related
to their girlfriends or their wives.</i>

1951
01:14:16,994 --> 01:14:19,871
Kevin, you're a genius.
That's what I have!

1952
01:14:20,038 --> 01:14:22,874
It's "Barbsguy1989."
The year we were married.

1953
01:14:23,876 --> 01:14:26,377
<i>The younger generation tends
to go a little bit racier.</i>

1954
01:14:26,545 --> 01:14:28,296
<i>I'm gonna get into some
sensitive areas here,</i>

1955
01:14:28,380 --> 01:14:29,714
<i>so just bear with me.</i>

1956
01:14:29,882 --> 01:14:33,259
<i>We need to focus on Stephanie's
more defining qualities</i>

1957
01:14:33,427 --> 01:14:35,094
<i>that this guy
might latch onto.</i>

1958
01:14:35,262 --> 01:14:36,554
<i>Do you understand
what I'm saying?</i>

1959
01:14:36,722 --> 01:14:38,389
Would you just get to it?

1960
01:14:38,557 --> 01:14:40,391
<i>For example, like,
would you say...</i>

1961
01:14:40,559 --> 01:14:42,518
<i>Stephanie has perky breasts?</i>

1962
01:14:44,229 --> 01:14:45,396
<i>What?
Okay.</i>

1963
01:14:45,564 --> 01:14:47,190
<i>I would say yes,
because she does.</i>

1964
01:14:47,357 --> 01:14:49,859
<i>Please try "Stephanie's boobs"
one word, no caps.</i>

1965
01:14:50,027 --> 01:14:51,068
I'm her dad!

1966
01:14:51,236 --> 01:14:52,904
<i>I understand that
you're her dad,</i>

1967
01:14:53,071 --> 01:14:54,697
<i>but you gotta think like him.</i>

1968
01:14:54,865 --> 01:14:55,907
<i>Okay?</i>

1969
01:15:01,747 --> 01:15:02,747
No.

1970
01:15:02,873 --> 01:15:04,457
<i>We're gonna have to
kick it up a notch.</i>

1971
01:15:04,625 --> 01:15:06,292
You said that
this guy was edgy?

1972
01:15:06,919 --> 01:15:09,420
<i>Please try
"Stephanie's tight ass. "</i>

1973
01:15:09,546 --> 01:15:10,588
<i>Give that a whirl.</i>

1974
01:15:11,632 --> 01:15:13,633
Are you messing with me,
Dingle?

1975
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,718
<i>I wish I was messing with you.</i>

1976
01:15:15,886 --> 01:15:17,094
<i>I'm trying to help you, Ned.</i>

1977
01:15:17,262 --> 01:15:19,472
<i>Make the two "S's"
dollar signs in "ass. "</i>

1978
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:20,765
God!

1979
01:15:20,933 --> 01:15:23,267
I am going straight to hell
just for typing this.

1980
01:15:23,435 --> 01:15:25,102
Tight ass.

1981
01:15:26,313 --> 01:15:27,897
No.
Hey, guys?

1982
01:15:28,065 --> 01:15:29,649
Do you wanna raise the volume
on the movie?

1983
01:15:29,816 --> 01:15:30,816
GIRL: Okay.

1984
01:15:30,984 --> 01:15:33,736
<i>Okay. I'm just gonna list
some off, you type them in.</i>

1985
01:15:34,279 --> 01:15:36,447
<i>All right,
try "Stephanie's sweet slit. "</i>

1986
01:15:36,615 --> 01:15:38,616
I am not writing that!

1987
01:15:38,784 --> 01:15:40,493
<i>Okay,
"Stephanie's pink canoe. "</i>

1988
01:15:40,661 --> 01:15:41,661
No!

1989
01:15:41,828 --> 01:15:42,995
<i>Listen, this isn't fun for me.</i>

1990
01:15:47,292 --> 01:15:48,584
<i>Oh, my God.
What is it?</i>

1991
01:15:48,752 --> 01:15:50,169
It's the password!

1992
01:15:50,337 --> 01:15:52,338
The one piece of paper
in the entire house.

1993
01:15:52,506 --> 01:15:53,631
<i>What does it say?
I'm gonna log it in.</i>

1994
01:15:53,966 --> 01:15:56,133
"Stephanie's dude. "

1995
01:15:57,302 --> 01:15:59,178
Aw, that's actually sweet.

1996
01:15:59,346 --> 01:16:00,513
"2016."

1997
01:16:00,681 --> 01:16:01,681
Boom! We're in.

1998
01:16:01,848 --> 01:16:02,848
Oh, gosh!

1999
01:16:03,016 --> 01:16:04,141
<i>What? What is it?</i>

2000
01:16:04,309 --> 01:16:06,269
It's a nude photograph
of Stephanie.

2001
01:16:06,436 --> 01:16:07,979
<i>May I see it, please?
No.</i>

2002
01:16:08,146 --> 01:16:09,146
May I please see it?

2003
01:16:09,314 --> 01:16:10,773
<i>I said no!
Okay.</i>

2004
01:16:10,941 --> 01:16:12,650
Go to your EarthLink account
in the web browser.

2005
01:16:13,110 --> 01:16:15,653
EarthLink, EarthLink, okay.
Press.

2006
01:16:16,154 --> 01:16:17,321
I give it my password.

2007
01:16:17,656 --> 01:16:18,698
<i>Okay.</i>

2008
01:16:19,199 --> 01:16:20,950
<i>Okay.
I just emailed you a file.</i>

2009
01:16:21,034 --> 01:16:22,952
<i>Download that and
open it on his desktop.</i>

2010
01:16:23,620 --> 01:16:25,871
<i>Ned, we're gonna fucking
nail this guy! We're good!</i>

2011
01:16:25,998 --> 01:16:27,498
We're hacking, baby!

2012
01:16:27,666 --> 01:16:28,874
<i>We're gonna nail him.</i>

2013
01:16:29,042 --> 01:16:31,294
<i>We're gonna nail him the way
he's been nailing Stephanie.</i>

2014
01:16:31,378 --> 01:16:32,461
STEPHANIE:
Just come with me right now.

2015
01:16:32,546 --> 01:16:33,546
LAIRD: What?

2016
01:16:33,672 --> 01:16:34,630
Why are you
taking me to my office?

2017
01:16:34,715 --> 01:16:35,756
Everyone's downstairs.

2018
01:16:35,841 --> 01:16:37,466
<i>Oh, shit! Someone's coming!
Okay. Escape!</i>

2019
01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:38,593
Oh, God!

2020
01:16:38,677 --> 01:16:39,844
LAIRD: Baby,
what are we doing?

2021
01:16:39,970 --> 01:16:41,304
Christmas Eve
is about to start.

2022
01:16:41,471 --> 01:16:43,180
<i>What is the matter with
you? What's happening?</i>

2023
01:16:43,348 --> 01:16:44,682
<i>I specifically told you...
Don't say anything.</i>

2024
01:16:44,850 --> 01:16:48,185
that I wanted to be the one
to tell my dad about Stanford.

2025
01:16:48,353 --> 01:16:50,187
I know. We were just...
Then why did you do it?

2026
01:16:50,355 --> 01:16:52,690
We were bonding so hard,
it just sort of slipped out.

2027
01:16:52,858 --> 01:16:55,651
STEPHANIE: You clearly have
no idea what this means to him.

2028
01:16:55,819 --> 01:16:58,237
He was so proud of me
when I got into Stanford.

2029
01:16:58,405 --> 01:17:02,366
He worked so hard
to make it happen.

2030
01:17:02,534 --> 01:17:06,037
Me dropping out is like
a huge slap in his face.

2031
01:17:06,913 --> 01:17:07,913
Okay.

2032
01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:10,249
I just never had anyone
like him in my life before.

2033
01:17:10,417 --> 01:17:11,876
Oh, my God!

2034
01:17:12,669 --> 01:17:14,503
I thought we could
just talk it out.

2035
01:17:14,671 --> 01:17:17,256
You could see how that's not
your place to do that, right?

2036
01:17:17,424 --> 01:17:18,507
LAIRD: Okay. Maybe not.

2037
01:17:18,675 --> 01:17:19,842
STEPHANIE: Definitely not.

2038
01:17:20,010 --> 01:17:22,345
Okay, you're right.
He was super pissed.

2039
01:17:24,431 --> 01:17:26,432
Sometimes I feel like
you're not capable

2040
01:17:26,516 --> 01:17:28,225
of being in a relationship.

2041
01:17:28,393 --> 01:17:30,686
It's time that
you get a handle

2042
01:17:30,771 --> 01:17:32,521
(MOUTHING INDISTINCTLY)
on these father issues.

2043
01:17:32,689 --> 01:17:33,731
LAIRD: Wow.

2044
01:17:33,899 --> 01:17:35,399
That's the truth.

2045
01:17:36,234 --> 01:17:38,444
When you call me
on my shit...

2046
01:17:38,612 --> 01:17:42,448
My God! It makes me
feel so close to you.

2047
01:17:42,616 --> 01:17:45,785
Your honesty has
such an effect on me.

2048
01:17:47,079 --> 01:17:49,455
You're making me so
fucking horny right now.

2049
01:17:49,790 --> 01:17:50,956
What?
STEPHANIE: Yeah.

2050
01:17:51,041 --> 01:17:52,583
LAIRD:
That face is boner-bait.

2051
01:17:52,751 --> 01:17:54,585
STEPHANIE: Can you not see
that I'm mad at you?

2052
01:17:54,753 --> 01:17:56,045
LAIRD: Yeah, I see it.
That's what's...

2053
01:17:56,213 --> 01:17:57,755
STEPHANIE: Oh, my God.
You're driving me crazy!

2054
01:17:57,881 --> 01:17:59,715
You're not listening to me.

2055
01:18:00,634 --> 01:18:01,634
LAIRD: I'm listening.

2056
01:18:02,260 --> 01:18:03,552
I'm sorry.

2057
01:18:03,720 --> 01:18:04,804
Do you...

2058
01:18:06,139 --> 01:18:07,640
You need therapy.
(MOANING)

2059
01:18:11,061 --> 01:18:12,311
Not working.
No?

2060
01:18:12,479 --> 01:18:13,771
Mm-mm. Not today, buddy.

2061
01:18:13,939 --> 01:18:15,314
Okay. How about this?

2062
01:18:15,941 --> 01:18:17,066
Is this working?

2063
01:18:19,277 --> 01:18:20,569
A little bit.

2064
01:18:21,279 --> 01:18:22,446
Okay, how about this?

2065
01:18:23,907 --> 01:18:25,241
(MOANING)

2066
01:18:25,325 --> 01:18:28,661
Okay. That's working
a little bit more.

2067
01:18:28,829 --> 01:18:30,413
STEPHANIE: Laird,
I love you.

2068
01:18:30,580 --> 01:18:31,914
But I'm still
mad at you.

2069
01:18:32,082 --> 01:18:33,457
I'm sorry.

2070
01:18:37,003 --> 01:18:38,170
(BOTH MOANING)

2071
01:18:42,968 --> 01:18:44,677
I'm so sorry.
(MOUTHING) No, no!

2072
01:18:45,137 --> 01:18:46,137
Okay?

2073
01:18:46,346 --> 01:18:47,346
Yes!

2074
01:18:47,472 --> 01:18:48,472
No!

2075
01:18:51,476 --> 01:18:52,476
LAIRD: You...
(WHIRRING)

2076
01:18:53,437 --> 01:18:54,854
<i>I'm gonna make it up to you.
What is happening?</i>

2077
01:18:55,021 --> 01:18:57,440
You just lie back, and I'll give
you an early Christmas present.

2078
01:18:57,607 --> 01:18:59,650
STEPHANIE: You are
such a freak. (LAUGHS)

2079
01:18:59,818 --> 01:19:00,943
I know.

2080
01:19:04,823 --> 01:19:05,865
LAIRD: Here comes Santa.

2081
01:19:06,032 --> 01:19:07,032
STEPHANIE: Oh, really?

2082
01:19:07,159 --> 01:19:09,160
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, my God.

2083
01:19:09,327 --> 01:19:10,536
Merry Christmas.

2084
01:19:11,496 --> 01:19:14,331
Somebody's been
naughty this year.

2085
01:19:16,710 --> 01:19:17,835
KEVIN: Boss?

2086
01:19:18,003 --> 01:19:20,212
<i>Ned. Are you there? Hello?</i>

2087
01:19:20,338 --> 01:19:21,297
<i>Hello?
Oh.</i>

2088
01:19:21,381 --> 01:19:24,008
Yes. Kevin, I'm here.
What's happening?

2089
01:19:24,134 --> 01:19:25,134
<i>I'm in.</i>

2090
01:19:25,302 --> 01:19:26,635
Do you have access
to the Internet?

2091
01:19:26,803 --> 01:19:28,179
<i>Yes, I do. Hold on.</i>

2092
01:19:28,346 --> 01:19:29,638
Wait a second.

2093
01:19:29,806 --> 01:19:31,390
<i>Log into your
EarthLink account.</i>

2094
01:19:32,476 --> 01:19:33,476
Okay. Got it.

2095
01:19:33,643 --> 01:19:36,687
I'm gonna send these
to you right now. (LAUGHS)

2096
01:19:36,855 --> 01:19:38,814
Good.
You're done, Mayhew.

2097
01:19:39,024 --> 01:19:40,024
(CAMERA CLICKS)

2098
01:19:40,233 --> 01:19:41,358
What the fuck?

2099
01:19:42,235 --> 01:19:43,819
<i>What happened?
Oh, my God.</i>

2100
01:19:43,987 --> 01:19:45,321
<i>Wait, what?
What's going on?</i>

2101
01:19:45,489 --> 01:19:47,656
I don't know. He has my face.

2102
01:19:47,741 --> 01:19:48,783
What do you mean
he has your face?

2103
01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:49,867
<i>I'm locked out.</i>

2104
01:19:49,993 --> 01:19:51,368
I can't use
my computer anymore.

2105
01:19:51,495 --> 01:19:52,495
<i>What?
Stop that!</i>

2106
01:19:52,579 --> 01:19:53,913
<i>What's happening?
He's onto us, Ned.</i>

2107
01:19:54,039 --> 01:19:55,039
What are you doing?

2108
01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:57,750
We have to abort.
Oh, God. Oh, no.

2109
01:19:57,918 --> 01:20:01,086
<i>Move back, motherfuckers
Mayhew's here</i>

2110
01:20:01,213 --> 01:20:02,171
Oh, fuck!

2111
01:20:02,255 --> 01:20:03,422
<i>He's a mythical creature, Ned.</i>

2112
01:20:03,507 --> 01:20:04,507
He's what?

2113
01:20:05,383 --> 01:20:08,093
What the fuck? Oh, God.

2114
01:20:08,261 --> 01:20:10,095
<i>He's pulling out his penis!</i>

2115
01:20:11,014 --> 01:20:12,431
Oh, my God.

2116
01:20:12,599 --> 01:20:14,517
<i>He's balls deep
in my digital butt.</i>

2117
01:20:17,062 --> 01:20:18,062
MARNIE: Are you watching porn?

2118
01:20:18,230 --> 01:20:19,355
Turn that off!

2119
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:20,606
<i>KEVIN: Ned, he's doing it!</i>

2120
01:20:21,191 --> 01:20:22,566
Marnie, it's not good!

2121
01:20:22,901 --> 01:20:24,568
<i>Stay the fuck out!
Turn that off!</i>

2122
01:20:24,736 --> 01:20:25,778
Kevin!

2123
01:20:25,904 --> 01:20:26,904
<i>Kevin!</i>

2124
01:20:27,572 --> 01:20:28,572
(GASPS)

2125
01:20:30,742 --> 01:20:32,243
<i>KEVIN:
He has control of the house!</i>

2126
01:20:32,410 --> 01:20:33,452
<i>Come here!</i>

2127
01:20:33,620 --> 01:20:35,287
Kevin, what is happening?
We gotta get out of here!

2128
01:20:35,413 --> 01:20:36,413
Go, go, go!

2129
01:20:36,581 --> 01:20:37,581
What?
MARNIE: Kevin!

2130
01:20:37,749 --> 01:20:39,083
Kevin!

2131
01:20:49,761 --> 01:20:51,887
Oh, my...

2132
01:20:53,765 --> 01:20:57,643
<i>(CHOIR SINGING)
Silent night</i>

2133
01:20:57,811 --> 01:21:01,522
<i>Holy night</i>

2134
01:21:02,315 --> 01:21:05,693
<i>All is calm</i>

2135
01:21:07,028 --> 01:21:09,530
<i>All is bright</i>

2136
01:21:12,242 --> 01:21:13,492
Hi.
Hey.

2137
01:21:13,660 --> 01:21:14,994
You know what?
Let's not fight.

2138
01:21:15,078 --> 01:21:16,120
Okay.

2139
01:21:16,288 --> 01:21:18,664
I'm sorry, truly, that you found
out about Stanford that way.

2140
01:21:18,748 --> 01:21:19,748
Thank you.

2141
01:21:19,833 --> 01:21:21,709
It was not okay of Laird,
and he knows that now.

2142
01:21:21,877 --> 01:21:23,210
But I'm confident
this is a really good idea.

2143
01:21:23,295 --> 01:21:24,879
Honey, before you continue,
I need to tell you something.

2144
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:27,590
Laird has been lying to you.

2145
01:21:28,174 --> 01:21:29,174
I tried.

2146
01:21:29,342 --> 01:21:30,759
No, no, no. Hey!
It's unbelievable!

2147
01:21:30,927 --> 01:21:32,803
He is in serious
financial trouble.

2148
01:21:32,971 --> 01:21:34,763
In what way?
It's Christmas.

2149
01:21:34,931 --> 01:21:36,140
Ned, you're making a mistake.

2150
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,601
He doesn't have enough money
to finance his business,

2151
01:21:38,768 --> 01:21:40,060
let alone a foundation.

2152
01:21:40,145 --> 01:21:41,729
STEPHANIE: What exactly
makes you think that?

2153
01:21:41,897 --> 01:21:43,188
Wait till you see this.

2154
01:21:43,356 --> 01:21:44,481
What's this?
Here.

2155
01:21:44,649 --> 01:21:46,567
Look at this,
his own bank records.

2156
01:21:46,735 --> 01:21:48,235
All in red.

2157
01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:51,363
Is this for real?

2158
01:21:51,531 --> 01:21:52,615
Yeah, it's true.

2159
01:21:52,782 --> 01:21:55,367
Guerrilla Gang hasn't crushed
one in a couple of years.

2160
01:21:55,535 --> 01:21:57,077
So you lied to me?

2161
01:21:57,245 --> 01:21:58,454
I'm dropping out of school

2162
01:21:58,622 --> 01:22:00,873
to start a foundation that
you're supposed to be financing.

2163
01:22:01,041 --> 01:22:02,124
Yeah.
Yeah.

2164
01:22:02,292 --> 01:22:04,376
Baby, the foundation
is all good.

2165
01:22:04,544 --> 01:22:06,295
What are you talking about?

2166
01:22:06,463 --> 01:22:09,798
Ned, there has been
a very big misunderstanding.

2167
01:22:09,966 --> 01:22:12,927
These are only
Laird's business holdings.

2168
01:22:13,094 --> 01:22:14,094
On the personal side...

2169
01:22:14,262 --> 01:22:15,304
I have put together
a moderate,

2170
01:22:15,388 --> 01:22:17,222
conservative private
equity sleeve

2171
01:22:17,390 --> 01:22:19,266
that has been
performing delightfully.

2172
01:22:19,434 --> 01:22:21,018
You could say that again.
Mm-hmm.

2173
01:22:21,186 --> 01:22:22,603
So you followed
the Buffett rule?

2174
01:22:22,771 --> 01:22:23,896
(GUSTAV LAUGHS)
Always, dude.

2175
01:22:24,064 --> 01:22:25,773
70/30, stocks to bonds.

2176
01:22:25,857 --> 01:22:26,857
Buffet.

2177
01:22:26,942 --> 01:22:27,942
Nice.

2178
01:22:28,026 --> 01:22:29,068
Your little hacker, Dingle...

2179
01:22:29,152 --> 01:22:30,152
Hacker?

2180
01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:31,987
...was worming down
the wrong hole.

2181
01:22:32,155 --> 01:22:34,573
Does he mean Kevin Dingle?
LAIRD: Probably.

2182
01:22:34,741 --> 01:22:36,075
No, must be another Dingle.

2183
01:22:36,242 --> 01:22:38,661
Only dingle I know of
is the berries on the butt.

2184
01:22:38,828 --> 01:22:40,621
Look, how much money
do you have?

2185
01:22:40,747 --> 01:22:41,747
Babe, you don't
have to answer this.

2186
01:22:41,831 --> 01:22:42,915
Yes, he does.

2187
01:22:42,999 --> 01:22:44,792
LAIRD: Fine! Full disclosure.

2188
01:22:44,960 --> 01:22:46,168
It's bad.

2189
01:22:47,128 --> 01:22:50,089
I'm down to
my last 97 million.

2190
01:22:50,340 --> 01:22:51,924
GUSTAV: (CLEARS THROAT) Laird.

2191
01:22:53,426 --> 01:22:55,260
197 million.

2192
01:22:56,846 --> 01:22:57,888
Boom.

2193
01:22:57,973 --> 01:23:00,140
He's just barely scraping by.

2194
01:23:00,308 --> 01:23:01,433
All you had to do was ask me.

2195
01:23:01,601 --> 01:23:03,644
Gentlemen, I need
Deck the Halls, allegro, now.

2196
01:23:04,104 --> 01:23:06,897
<i>Deck the halls
with boughs of holly</i>

2197
01:23:07,065 --> 01:23:08,691
LAIRD: Ned, it's the holidays

2198
01:23:08,858 --> 01:23:10,484
and I think
we should start over.

2199
01:23:12,112 --> 01:23:13,195
So this is for you.

2200
01:23:17,325 --> 01:23:18,325
What is it?

2201
01:23:18,410 --> 01:23:19,576
It's a little
stocking stuffer.

2202
01:23:19,661 --> 01:23:20,744
I think you'll like it.

2203
01:23:22,497 --> 01:23:24,164
A phone?
Press the button.

2204
01:23:26,334 --> 01:23:28,919
This is from my bank
in Grand Rapids.

2205
01:23:29,087 --> 01:23:30,212
Merry Christmas.

2206
01:23:30,338 --> 01:23:31,338
STEPHANIE:
Someone fill me in here.

2207
01:23:31,423 --> 01:23:32,423
LAIRD: Well, Steph...

2208
01:23:32,549 --> 01:23:35,092
I bought
your father's company.

2209
01:23:35,760 --> 01:23:36,802
Sort of.

2210
01:23:36,970 --> 01:23:40,723
Ned, I purchased all your debt
as a Christmas present.

2211
01:23:40,890 --> 01:23:42,182
What the fuck?

2212
01:23:42,642 --> 01:23:44,518
You son of a bitch.
What?

2213
01:23:44,686 --> 01:23:46,770
Dude, I'm trying to be nice,
so you can avoid bankruptcy.

2214
01:23:47,439 --> 01:23:48,772
Are you guys
talking Chapter 11?

2215
01:23:48,857 --> 01:23:50,065
I don't even wanna
hear that term.

2216
01:23:50,233 --> 01:23:52,943
<i>Okay, gentlemen, I need
Jingle Bells, and step on it!</i>

2217
01:23:53,111 --> 01:23:56,321
I can't believe that
you didn't tell us about this.

2218
01:23:56,489 --> 01:23:58,574
What? No, it's just...

2219
01:23:58,742 --> 01:24:01,243
The business has been running
a little rough lately.

2220
01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:02,953
I'm already working on
a new deal right now.

2221
01:24:03,121 --> 01:24:05,039
So you had no idea?
No.

2222
01:24:05,206 --> 01:24:06,415
How the hell
did you know about this?

2223
01:24:06,916 --> 01:24:08,792
It was Justine.
Oh.

2224
01:24:08,877 --> 01:24:10,085
JUSTINE: Yeah, it was me.

2225
01:24:10,253 --> 01:24:12,838
She played me back a little bit of a
conversation you had the other day...

2226
01:24:13,006 --> 01:24:14,006
with a guy named Lou.

2227
01:24:14,591 --> 01:24:16,633
Of course,
I had to help.

2228
01:24:16,801 --> 01:24:18,302
<i>JUSTINE: Ned,
I'm sorry if I overstepped.</i>

2229
01:24:18,386 --> 01:24:19,386
Yep.

2230
01:24:19,471 --> 01:24:21,513
<i>But I was really,
really worried about you.</i>

2231
01:24:21,681 --> 01:24:23,265
LAIRD: She was.
No clowning.

2232
01:24:23,433 --> 01:24:24,975
And just so
you don't stress,

2233
01:24:25,143 --> 01:24:27,478
you're still gonna be
the Big Cheese, dude.

2234
01:24:27,645 --> 01:24:29,563
I plan on being
a very hands-off owner.

2235
01:24:30,648 --> 01:24:33,108
So what do you say, partner?

2236
01:24:33,943 --> 01:24:35,527
(GROANS)
(EXCLAIMING)

2237
01:24:35,695 --> 01:24:37,321
Ned, what are you...
LAIRD: What the fuck?

2238
01:24:37,489 --> 01:24:39,364
Why would you do that, Dad?

2239
01:24:39,449 --> 01:24:40,449
Dad!

2240
01:24:40,533 --> 01:24:41,909
Fuck you, paper man!

2241
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,410
(EXCLAIMING)

2242
01:24:43,620 --> 01:24:44,953
Oh, scheisse.

2243
01:24:45,121 --> 01:24:46,121
Ned, I'm sorry, bro.

2244
01:24:46,289 --> 01:24:47,873
Are you okay? Oh, man.
(COUGHING)

2245
01:24:48,041 --> 01:24:49,333
My training,
it just takes over.

2246
01:24:49,501 --> 01:24:51,710
Everybody is feeling
a lot of tension.

2247
01:24:51,878 --> 01:24:52,961
Calm down.
Dad!

2248
01:24:53,963 --> 01:24:56,381
Or we can hit people square
in the face with an iPad.

2249
01:24:58,384 --> 01:25:00,094
Disengage.
Disengage and run!

2250
01:25:00,220 --> 01:25:01,720
(BARB EXCLAIMING)

2251
01:25:03,681 --> 01:25:05,182
Dude, that was kind of cool.
You gotta be honest.

2252
01:25:05,350 --> 01:25:07,226
Ned, I love you.
I was just trying to help.

2253
01:25:07,310 --> 01:25:08,727
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)

2254
01:25:08,812 --> 01:25:09,812
Ooh!

2255
01:25:11,564 --> 01:25:12,564
Laird, disengage him!

2256
01:25:12,649 --> 01:25:14,149
Ned, let go of his balls!

2257
01:25:17,654 --> 01:25:19,363
Laird! Evasive parkour!

2258
01:25:19,531 --> 01:25:20,614
Laird, get away!

2259
01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:22,699
Evasive parkour!
Do the wall pop!

2260
01:25:23,576 --> 01:25:24,576
Wall pop!

2261
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:29,748
Goose! Did you see that?

2262
01:25:29,916 --> 01:25:32,626
That's right! Because you
finally engaged your core!

2263
01:25:32,794 --> 01:25:33,794
Get down here!

2264
01:25:33,878 --> 01:25:36,255
GUSTAV: You see the difference of
the feeling? How it feels differently?

2265
01:25:36,714 --> 01:25:37,756
I know!

2266
01:25:38,716 --> 01:25:39,842
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

2267
01:25:40,426 --> 01:25:41,677
Don't breathe in.
I'll save you, brother!

2268
01:25:41,761 --> 01:25:42,803
GUSTAV: Scotty, no! Scotty!

2269
01:25:42,887 --> 01:25:43,887
BARB: No, honey!

2270
01:25:44,806 --> 01:25:45,889
I'm here to save you, Laird!

2271
01:25:50,603 --> 01:25:51,687
Scotty, watch out!

2272
01:25:54,399 --> 01:25:55,482
(SCREAMING)

2273
01:26:00,071 --> 01:26:01,864
Laird! You okay?

2274
01:26:03,032 --> 01:26:04,032
Yeah! (LAUGHS)

2275
01:26:04,200 --> 01:26:05,492
Fantastic!
You're okay.

2276
01:26:06,035 --> 01:26:07,661
You're okay.
Wait. Where's Scotty?

2277
01:26:07,829 --> 01:26:09,121
BARB: Scotty! Oh, my God.

2278
01:26:09,497 --> 01:26:11,373
Scotty!
He's under the moose!

2279
01:26:11,541 --> 01:26:12,833
(STEPHANIE AND BARB SCREAM)
He's under the moose!

2280
01:26:13,001 --> 01:26:14,168
Scotty!

2281
01:26:14,377 --> 01:26:16,128
(GRUNTING)

2282
01:26:16,254 --> 01:26:17,254
Oh, shit.

2283
01:26:17,422 --> 01:26:19,673
These fucking moose balls
are in my mouth.

2284
01:26:19,841 --> 01:26:21,884
Oh, shit,
he's teabagging you, bro!

2285
01:26:22,051 --> 01:26:23,343
I got you.

2286
01:26:24,387 --> 01:26:26,054
(YELLING)

2287
01:26:28,892 --> 01:26:31,185
Come here. Come here.

2288
01:26:31,352 --> 01:26:33,020
Oh, my God. It's okay.

2289
01:26:33,188 --> 01:26:34,188
It's okay.

2290
01:26:37,692 --> 01:26:39,985
Honey, I'm so sorry
it turned out this way.

2291
01:26:40,153 --> 01:26:41,153
Me, too.

2292
01:26:41,821 --> 01:26:42,946
I'll call you
when I get home.

2293
01:26:43,114 --> 01:26:45,115
Okay. Good luck with Scotty.

2294
01:26:45,867 --> 01:26:47,367
Thank you. I'll need it.
Yeah.

2295
01:26:49,454 --> 01:26:52,080
Steph, listen. I never...

2296
01:26:52,248 --> 01:26:54,458
I'm done listening.
Have a safe flight.

2297
01:26:57,879 --> 01:26:59,630
See you, sis.
Bye, Scotty.

2298
01:27:01,549 --> 01:27:03,967
Can't believe I have to
go back to toilet paper.

2299
01:27:06,429 --> 01:27:08,764
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

2300
01:27:10,683 --> 01:27:13,435
Hey, Don Millis.
Merry Christmas, sir.

2301
01:27:13,519 --> 01:27:15,354
<i>You too, Ned. Look, I
hate to call on Christmas.</i>

2302
01:27:15,521 --> 01:27:17,231
Oh, don't worry about that.

2303
01:27:17,398 --> 01:27:19,149
<i>It was great
catching up yesterday</i>

2304
01:27:19,317 --> 01:27:21,485
<i>and I wanted to ring you
as soon as we made a decision.</i>

2305
01:27:21,569 --> 01:27:22,569
Okay.

2306
01:27:22,654 --> 01:27:24,446
<i>I talked with the group here
about your proposal</i>

2307
01:27:24,614 --> 01:27:26,198
<i>and we just can't go for it.</i>

2308
01:27:26,366 --> 01:27:27,658
<i>I'm sorry, pal.</i>

2309
01:27:27,825 --> 01:27:30,535
<i>We really appreciate you offering
us such a sweetheart deal.</i>

2310
01:27:30,703 --> 01:27:33,163
<i>But fact is we're just not doing
a whole lot of printing these days.</i>

2311
01:27:33,331 --> 01:27:34,498
<i>You know how it is.
Yes.</i>

2312
01:27:34,666 --> 01:27:35,707
<i>It's a whole new world, right?</i>

2313
01:27:35,792 --> 01:27:36,792
Yes.

2314
01:27:37,710 --> 01:27:38,752
Sure is.

2315
01:27:38,920 --> 01:27:40,587
<i>I sure wish we could've
done business, Cheese.</i>

2316
01:27:40,755 --> 01:27:42,172
All right, listen, um,

2317
01:27:42,340 --> 01:27:44,716
if you're sure I can't
change your mind there, Don.

2318
01:27:44,884 --> 01:27:46,134
<i>Yeah, unfortunately not.</i>

2319
01:27:46,302 --> 01:27:48,011
Okay. All right.

2320
01:27:49,138 --> 01:27:51,223
<i>You have a happy holidays.
You, too, Ned!</i>

2321
01:27:51,391 --> 01:27:52,808
<i>Best to Barb and the kids.</i>

2322
01:27:55,853 --> 01:27:57,229
JUSTINE: Excuse me, Ned?

2323
01:27:57,397 --> 01:28:00,357
<i>I'm sorry to bother you, but
your flight leaves in an hour.</i>

2324
01:28:03,236 --> 01:28:06,697
<i>Must seem strange
to you, my friend</i>

2325
01:28:06,823 --> 01:28:08,240
<i>JUSTINE: I'll miss you.</i>

2326
01:28:08,324 --> 01:28:11,618
<i>Some things are always
heaven sent</i>

2327
01:28:12,578 --> 01:28:16,206
<i>The more you want,
the harder it gets</i>

2328
01:28:16,624 --> 01:28:20,877
<i>The more you let go,
the more you get</i>

2329
01:28:20,962 --> 01:28:22,421
<i>It's a crazy...</i>

2330
01:28:28,261 --> 01:28:30,053
<i>...beautiful life</i>

2331
01:28:30,805 --> 01:28:34,808
<i>Some things make sense
and you don't know what</i>

2332
01:28:34,934 --> 01:28:39,396
<i>It's a crazy beautiful life</i>

2333
01:28:40,815 --> 01:28:42,441
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

2334
01:28:46,404 --> 01:28:48,322
Welcome home, Flemings!

2335
01:28:48,489 --> 01:28:49,614
Lou, what...

2336
01:28:49,699 --> 01:28:50,782
You guys must be freezing.

2337
01:28:50,950 --> 01:28:53,160
Come on, get in here. Let
me get that. Come on, Cheese.

2338
01:28:53,244 --> 01:28:54,536
Lou, what's going on?
Barbara, hey.

2339
01:28:54,787 --> 01:28:55,829
Hi.

2340
01:28:55,913 --> 01:28:56,955
Barb, you look great.
JERRY: There they are!

2341
01:28:57,040 --> 01:28:59,499
ALL: Merry Christmas!

2342
01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:02,919
Wow!

2343
01:29:03,421 --> 01:29:06,840
Um, Lou, I texted you that
I needed to talk to you.

2344
01:29:07,008 --> 01:29:08,008
I mean, what's...

2345
01:29:08,176 --> 01:29:10,177
Come on,
you hear this guy?

2346
01:29:10,345 --> 01:29:11,762
Hank Rouse
from First National

2347
01:29:11,929 --> 01:29:14,306
shot me a congratulatory
voicemail this morning

2348
01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:15,849
about the
Mayhew deal.

2349
01:29:16,017 --> 01:29:17,017
You did it,
Big Cheese!

2350
01:29:18,603 --> 01:29:20,020
You pulled off
the Christmas miracle.

2351
01:29:20,146 --> 01:29:21,938
(CHEERING)

2352
01:29:22,023 --> 01:29:24,149
Cheese, Cheese, Cheese!
Cheese, Cheese, Cheese!

2353
01:29:24,317 --> 01:29:25,442
Barb!

2354
01:29:26,444 --> 01:29:27,444
Scotty.

2355
01:29:27,612 --> 01:29:30,322
Ned, as a little token
of our appreciation,

2356
01:29:30,490 --> 01:29:32,949
we all chipped in
and bought you something

2357
01:29:33,117 --> 01:29:35,744
that we're pretty sure
you don't own.

2358
01:29:35,828 --> 01:29:36,953
(ALL LAUGH)

2359
01:29:38,206 --> 01:29:39,873
You shouldn't have.

2360
01:29:40,041 --> 01:29:41,541
Open it. Yeah.

2361
01:29:42,293 --> 01:29:43,293
Yeah, right there.

2362
01:29:43,461 --> 01:29:44,461
(LOU LAUGHS)

2363
01:29:44,712 --> 01:29:46,797
It's an iPad.
(CHEERING)

2364
01:29:47,965 --> 01:29:49,299
Hit the home button
right there.

2365
01:29:49,467 --> 01:29:50,467
Yeah.

2366
01:29:51,844 --> 01:29:53,720
JERRY: We had a little fun
with that down in Graphics.

2367
01:29:53,888 --> 01:29:56,056
I got the images off
Scotty's Facebook page.

2368
01:29:56,307 --> 01:29:57,808
(JERRY LAUGHING)

2369
01:29:58,017 --> 01:29:59,726
He looks like a stand-up guy.

2370
01:29:59,811 --> 01:30:01,561
Like a younger version
of you, Ned.

2371
01:30:02,313 --> 01:30:03,355
MAN: Make a speech!

2372
01:30:03,481 --> 01:30:04,815
JERRY: Speech!
Oh, yes, speech!

2373
01:30:04,982 --> 01:30:06,316
Speech, speech, speech.

2374
01:30:09,695 --> 01:30:11,655
(CHOPPER APPROACHING)

2375
01:30:11,864 --> 01:30:13,073
The heck is that?

2376
01:30:17,245 --> 01:30:19,538
<i>STEPHANIE: Laird, a jet and
a helicopter? Where are we?</i>

2377
01:30:19,705 --> 01:30:21,206
<i>LAIRD:
Hang on, babe. Almost there.</i>

2378
01:30:32,885 --> 01:30:34,344
One second.
Mayhew!

2379
01:30:34,512 --> 01:30:35,470
Guys, stay here
for a minute.

2380
01:30:35,555 --> 01:30:36,638
Honey, go inside
and get a jacket.

2381
01:30:36,722 --> 01:30:37,764
That's Mayhew.
Is that the guy?

2382
01:30:37,932 --> 01:30:38,932
Laird!

2383
01:30:39,016 --> 01:30:40,183
Where are we?

2384
01:30:40,351 --> 01:30:41,351
That looks weird.

2385
01:30:41,436 --> 01:30:42,727
<i>It's kind of Fifty Shades of Grey-ish.</i>

2386
01:30:43,104 --> 01:30:44,729
Cold?
Yeah.

2387
01:30:47,024 --> 01:30:49,526
And here we go.

2388
01:30:51,404 --> 01:30:52,612
Surprise!

2389
01:30:53,573 --> 01:30:54,698
(LAIRD CHUCKLES)
Hi, honey.

2390
01:30:56,075 --> 01:30:57,200
Ta-da.

2391
01:30:59,704 --> 01:31:01,288
You brought me home?
Yeah.

2392
01:31:01,456 --> 01:31:03,081
Without telling me?

2393
01:31:03,249 --> 01:31:06,543
I realize I violated the
sanctity of mystery date

2394
01:31:06,711 --> 01:31:09,588
but I just thought the family
should all be together today.

2395
01:31:09,755 --> 01:31:11,465
Okay, that wasn't your
place to do that, hon.

2396
01:31:11,632 --> 01:31:13,467
Steph, I know,

2397
01:31:13,634 --> 01:31:15,051
but it is Christmas.

2398
01:31:15,219 --> 01:31:16,261
And we're glad
to see you.

2399
01:31:16,429 --> 01:31:17,512
This isn't what
she wanted.

2400
01:31:17,597 --> 01:31:18,680
No, it's not.

2401
01:31:18,764 --> 01:31:20,307
What I wanted was
for us to spend

2402
01:31:20,391 --> 01:31:21,808
Christmas in
California together

2403
01:31:21,976 --> 01:31:24,394
like I planned, before
everything went to shit

2404
01:31:24,562 --> 01:31:26,313
because you made it
all about yourself.

2405
01:31:27,315 --> 01:31:28,482
Mm-hmm.

2406
01:31:29,150 --> 01:31:30,400
You both did.

2407
01:31:30,568 --> 01:31:31,776
I did?
Yes!

2408
01:31:31,944 --> 01:31:34,905
You idiots think you can
pass me back and forth

2409
01:31:35,072 --> 01:31:36,907
like I'm your property
or something?

2410
01:31:36,991 --> 01:31:37,991
I'm done.

2411
01:31:38,075 --> 01:31:39,576
This is the worst
Christmas ever.

2412
01:31:39,744 --> 01:31:41,453
Steph.
Steph. Honey.

2413
01:31:46,417 --> 01:31:47,584
I think she's pissed.

2414
01:31:50,505 --> 01:31:52,339
Yeah, she's pissed.

2415
01:31:52,465 --> 01:31:53,465
Shit!

2416
01:31:53,758 --> 01:31:57,761
I just thought that you guys
should be together today.

2417
01:31:59,013 --> 01:32:01,348
All right. Well, I'll leave you to it.

2418
01:32:02,266 --> 01:32:03,642
Happy holidays, Ned.

2419
01:32:03,809 --> 01:32:05,101
You too, Laird.

2420
01:32:12,276 --> 01:32:13,777
Uh, Laird.

2421
01:32:13,945 --> 01:32:15,946
You're doing a "I'm
gonna walk away slowly

2422
01:32:16,030 --> 01:32:17,447
"'cause I really don't
wanna leave" walk.

2423
01:32:19,825 --> 01:32:21,201
Maybe.

2424
01:32:21,619 --> 01:32:22,619
Come here.

2425
01:32:23,788 --> 01:32:24,955
Come here.

2426
01:32:25,122 --> 01:32:26,998
So what happened?
You didn't propose?

2427
01:32:27,166 --> 01:32:28,291
How could I?

2428
01:32:28,459 --> 01:32:29,459
I never got
your permission

2429
01:32:29,627 --> 01:32:31,461
and we pinky-swore
I wouldn't ask without it.

2430
01:32:33,714 --> 01:32:35,340
You are remarkable.

2431
01:32:36,509 --> 01:32:39,886
You don't have a gear
to be dishonest, do you?

2432
01:32:40,638 --> 01:32:42,055
Guess not, dude.

2433
01:32:43,808 --> 01:32:44,891
(SIGHS)

2434
01:32:44,976 --> 01:32:46,726
Laird, you never needed
my permission

2435
01:32:46,811 --> 01:32:48,186
to ask Stephanie
to marry you.

2436
01:32:49,897 --> 01:32:52,023
But if it still means
anything to you,

2437
01:32:53,484 --> 01:32:54,568
you have my blessing.

2438
01:32:57,321 --> 01:32:58,363
For reals?

2439
01:32:58,906 --> 01:32:59,906
No clowning.

2440
01:33:01,534 --> 01:33:02,534
Whoa.

2441
01:33:04,328 --> 01:33:06,705
But, Laird,
Stephanie's right.

2442
01:33:06,872 --> 01:33:09,165
It's up to her. It's
always been up to her.

2443
01:33:09,250 --> 01:33:10,333
Not us.

2444
01:33:11,669 --> 01:33:14,254
It just took me a while
to realize that.

2445
01:33:15,673 --> 01:33:16,715
It's so true.

2446
01:33:17,675 --> 01:33:19,175
Dude, we were such jerks.

2447
01:33:19,343 --> 01:33:20,510
Yeah.

2448
01:33:20,678 --> 01:33:21,886
I bit your dick.

2449
01:33:23,014 --> 01:33:24,681
Shaft and balls.
Oh.

2450
01:33:26,434 --> 01:33:27,684
I'm sorry.

2451
01:33:28,352 --> 01:33:29,936
I'm sorry, too, dude.

2452
01:33:30,104 --> 01:33:33,189
Look, Laird, if you wanna
ask Stephanie to marry you

2453
01:33:33,357 --> 01:33:35,400
when the time
is right, just do it.

2454
01:33:36,944 --> 01:33:39,029
Okay. Is it cool
if I do it right now?

2455
01:33:39,196 --> 01:33:41,448
Because, uh, just in case
it worked out

2456
01:33:41,616 --> 01:33:44,701
I had Goose put a shit ton
of doves in the helicopter

2457
01:33:44,869 --> 01:33:46,286
and I have
a couple other surprises.

2458
01:33:46,454 --> 01:33:48,872
Laird, this is
totally your call.

2459
01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:51,041
But can I give you
some advice?

2460
01:33:51,542 --> 01:33:52,626
Dude, please.

2461
01:33:52,710 --> 01:33:53,710
I'm so fucking
nervous right now.

2462
01:33:53,794 --> 01:33:54,836
All right, look...

2463
01:33:54,920 --> 01:33:58,214
Stephanie doesn't care about
all the bells and whistles.

2464
01:33:58,382 --> 01:33:59,966
You know her.

2465
01:34:00,134 --> 01:34:01,551
She cares about you.

2466
01:34:01,719 --> 01:34:03,094
She loves you.

2467
01:34:04,555 --> 01:34:06,431
So you get down
on one knee

2468
01:34:07,308 --> 01:34:09,726
and you speak to her
from your heart.

2469
01:34:10,603 --> 01:34:12,228
That's what
you're best at.

2470
01:34:14,148 --> 01:34:16,399
Isn't that right,
Justine? (CHUCKLES)

2471
01:34:16,984 --> 01:34:18,401
JUSTINE: Totally agree.

2472
01:34:18,944 --> 01:34:19,944
Holy shit.

2473
01:34:20,571 --> 01:34:23,239
<i>My first time in Michigan.
It's cold as balls here.</i>

2474
01:34:24,408 --> 01:34:25,367
Yeah.

2475
01:34:25,451 --> 01:34:27,786
Dude, that's
fucking great!

2476
01:34:28,579 --> 01:34:29,746
Do it Ned Fleming style.

2477
01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:31,498
Old school!

2478
01:34:31,666 --> 01:34:32,749
Fuck yes.

2479
01:34:35,086 --> 01:34:36,628
Okay. Well, look...

2480
01:34:36,796 --> 01:34:38,672
I'll go in there and see if
I can get her to come out.

2481
01:34:38,839 --> 01:34:39,839
Okay.

2482
01:34:39,965 --> 01:34:41,633
Good luck.
Thanks.

2483
01:34:45,137 --> 01:34:47,138
Hey, promise me
one thing.

2484
01:34:48,265 --> 01:34:49,974
You will treat
her well.

2485
01:34:51,519 --> 01:34:54,479
Dude, I'm gonna treat her
like a motherfucking queen.

2486
01:34:56,315 --> 01:34:57,524
I'll take that.

2487
01:34:57,692 --> 01:34:58,692
Okay.

2488
01:35:00,653 --> 01:35:02,779
Gustav, change of plans.

2489
01:35:02,947 --> 01:35:05,573
<i>We're go on the proposal.
No go on all that other shit.</i>

2490
01:35:05,658 --> 01:35:06,658
I have only one bar.

2491
01:35:06,784 --> 01:35:08,201
You're saying
we are a go, yes?

2492
01:35:08,369 --> 01:35:09,953
No. No go.

2493
01:35:10,121 --> 01:35:12,122
<i>Go on the proposal,
no go on the shit.</i>

2494
01:35:12,289 --> 01:35:14,207
Laird, are you saying
it's a no go

2495
01:35:14,375 --> 01:35:16,459
or are you saying, "No. Go. "?

2496
01:35:16,544 --> 01:35:17,627
<i>God damn it, Goose.</i>

2497
01:35:17,878 --> 01:35:19,504
You're making me fucking
nervous. Just shut up.

2498
01:35:19,672 --> 01:35:21,297
<i>Oh, I'm sorry. Good luck.</i>

2499
01:35:21,465 --> 01:35:23,800
Oh, and by the way,
please, Laird, breathe.

2500
01:35:24,051 --> 01:35:26,636
(BREATHES DEEPLY)

2501
01:35:26,721 --> 01:35:27,762
Okay.

2502
01:35:27,847 --> 01:35:29,848
And no cursing, okay?

2503
01:35:30,015 --> 01:35:31,516
<i>Fuck, you're right. Good call.</i>

2504
01:35:33,644 --> 01:35:34,769
Hi.

2505
01:35:37,815 --> 01:35:39,149
I'm sorry.

2506
01:35:39,817 --> 01:35:43,319
I know that out in
California I disappointed you

2507
01:35:43,487 --> 01:35:45,363
and that kills me.

2508
01:35:45,531 --> 01:35:47,157
And I'm really sorry.

2509
01:35:50,661 --> 01:35:51,661
I'm sorry, too.

2510
01:35:53,706 --> 01:35:54,914
I threw you in the deep end out there.

2511
01:35:54,999 --> 01:35:56,332
I should've never
asked you to come.

2512
01:35:56,500 --> 01:35:57,500
Honestly. No.

2513
01:35:57,668 --> 01:35:59,085
No, you didn't do
anything wrong.

2514
01:35:59,253 --> 01:36:00,378
What was I thinking?

2515
01:36:00,546 --> 01:36:01,671
It was me.

2516
01:36:02,673 --> 01:36:05,091
It's just that, when
we got out to Laird's...

2517
01:36:06,594 --> 01:36:09,387
I just didn't feel like
I knew you anymore

2518
01:36:10,347 --> 01:36:12,056
and I got scared.

2519
01:36:13,893 --> 01:36:15,518
I just went crazy.

2520
01:36:18,230 --> 01:36:19,522
This is me.

2521
01:36:22,026 --> 01:36:23,401
I'm doing good.

2522
01:36:25,070 --> 01:36:26,404
Oh, Dad.

2523
01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:33,620
Oh, my God.

2524
01:36:33,788 --> 01:36:35,205
Okay, look. I forgot...

2525
01:36:35,372 --> 01:36:36,372
STEPHANIE: Oh, God.
He's still out there.

2526
01:36:36,457 --> 01:36:37,499
NED: I know.

2527
01:36:37,583 --> 01:36:38,708
STEPHANIE:
In a tank top and a scarf.

2528
01:36:38,876 --> 01:36:40,043
And he knew
we were coming to Michigan.

2529
01:36:40,127 --> 01:36:41,127
NED: Yeah.

2530
01:36:41,295 --> 01:36:42,462
Why doesn't
he just come inside?

2531
01:36:42,546 --> 01:36:43,755
He has to talk to you
about something...

2532
01:36:43,923 --> 01:36:46,424
He kind of wants to make
things right with you.

2533
01:36:46,592 --> 01:36:48,051
Oh, does he?
Yeah.

2534
01:36:48,219 --> 01:36:51,262
I think it'd be cool
if you gave him a chance.

2535
01:36:53,224 --> 01:36:55,558
You want me
to give Laird a chance?

2536
01:36:55,726 --> 01:36:59,479
I thought that if you saw
fit to give him a chance...

2537
01:36:59,647 --> 01:37:02,273
I thought that
it'd be cool.

2538
01:37:03,609 --> 01:37:04,651
(LAUGHS)

2539
01:37:04,735 --> 01:37:05,735
That's all. Well?

2540
01:37:05,820 --> 01:37:07,445
Hi.
Hey.

2541
01:37:07,613 --> 01:37:09,572
What's going on? Oh, my
God, it's cold out here.

2542
01:37:09,740 --> 01:37:11,908
I know you're pissed,
but just hear me out.

2543
01:37:12,076 --> 01:37:13,493
Can we talk inside?
No.

2544
01:37:13,619 --> 01:37:14,619
Oh, my...
Look.

2545
01:37:14,745 --> 01:37:17,413
Oh, my God.
It's so romantic.

2546
01:37:17,581 --> 01:37:18,790
I told him to keep
it simple.

2547
01:37:18,958 --> 01:37:20,166
BARB: Oh, our little girl.

2548
01:37:20,334 --> 01:37:22,293
He's gonna get down to his
knee and keep it real simple.

2549
01:37:22,461 --> 01:37:23,753
How do you know all this?

2550
01:37:23,921 --> 01:37:25,088
I gave him
a few pointers.

2551
01:37:25,256 --> 01:37:26,464
Oh.

2552
01:37:27,633 --> 01:37:29,467
This has been the
happiest year of my life.

2553
01:37:31,428 --> 01:37:34,597
And fly! Go, go, go! Go!

2554
01:37:36,433 --> 01:37:38,268
Oh, no.
What?

2555
01:37:38,644 --> 01:37:40,186
(DOVES COOING)

2556
01:37:40,604 --> 01:37:41,604
Ah.

2557
01:37:42,940 --> 01:37:44,941
(GASPS) Oh, my God.

2558
01:37:45,109 --> 01:37:47,151
Goose. God damn it.
I said no go! No go!

2559
01:37:47,319 --> 01:37:48,361
NED: Oh, my...

2560
01:37:48,445 --> 01:37:49,487
BARB: Oh, gosh. Wow.

2561
01:37:49,613 --> 01:37:50,613
Why did he do that?
Smart boy.

2562
01:37:50,698 --> 01:37:52,699
Absolute fucking shit fest.

2563
01:37:53,701 --> 01:37:55,451
Babe, I'm so
sorry. Uh...

2564
01:37:58,664 --> 01:38:00,164
Stephanie Fleming...

2565
01:38:00,666 --> 01:38:02,041
will you...
Are you proposing?

2566
01:38:02,209 --> 01:38:04,002
Yeah.

2567
01:38:04,128 --> 01:38:05,837
Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

2568
01:38:05,963 --> 01:38:07,297
Did my dad know
about this?

2569
01:38:07,840 --> 01:38:09,591
Yeah, I asked
for his blessing

2570
01:38:09,675 --> 01:38:11,134
that first morning
back in Cali.

2571
01:38:11,302 --> 01:38:13,344
Oh, my God. (LAUGHS)

2572
01:38:13,679 --> 01:38:14,804
Oh, my God!

2573
01:38:14,972 --> 01:38:17,473
No wonder he acted
so crazy. Honey.

2574
01:38:17,641 --> 01:38:19,559
Yeah, that's why he was
a little out of whack.

2575
01:38:19,727 --> 01:38:21,811
Yeah, we could have had
a really nice holiday.

2576
01:38:21,979 --> 01:38:24,689
I know. But we're all good now. Okay?

2577
01:38:24,857 --> 01:38:26,983
This is a lot.

2578
01:38:28,319 --> 01:38:29,861
Oh, my God.
Stephanie Fleming...

2579
01:38:30,029 --> 01:38:31,195
That's a ring.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

2580
01:38:32,573 --> 01:38:34,365
Goose! No!

2581
01:38:34,575 --> 01:38:35,658
(ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYING)

2582
01:38:38,996 --> 01:38:40,997
And, go! Go, guys!
Go, go, go!

2583
01:38:41,874 --> 01:38:43,166
<i>Stephanie!</i>

2584
01:38:44,543 --> 01:38:45,543
Oh, my God.

2585
01:38:45,711 --> 01:38:47,253
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

2586
01:38:57,514 --> 01:39:00,850
Laird, what is Kiss doing here?

2587
01:39:01,685 --> 01:39:02,852
Um, well...

2588
01:39:05,022 --> 01:39:06,064
Is that...
Whoa!

2589
01:39:06,190 --> 01:39:07,398
He got look-a-likes!

2590
01:39:07,566 --> 01:39:09,525
BARB: Those aren't
look-a-likes, Ned.

2591
01:39:09,610 --> 01:39:10,860
That's Gene and Paul.

2592
01:39:11,028 --> 01:39:14,030
It's Gene and Paul!
Gene and Paul!

2593
01:39:14,198 --> 01:39:16,240
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, God!

2594
01:39:16,408 --> 01:39:17,784
Kiss is in
the front yard!

2595
01:39:17,952 --> 01:39:20,453
(SINGING) Tonight

2596
01:39:20,621 --> 01:39:23,039
<i>I wanna give it all to you</i>

2597
01:39:24,917 --> 01:39:25,917
<i>In the darkness</i>

2598
01:39:26,085 --> 01:39:28,753
Originally, I had this
more elaborate proposal plan

2599
01:39:28,921 --> 01:39:30,588
but your dad gave me
this awesome advice

2600
01:39:30,714 --> 01:39:31,881
and told me
not to do it.

2601
01:39:32,049 --> 01:39:33,424
But they're here,

2602
01:39:33,550 --> 01:39:35,426
and I know how much you
love their music, so...

2603
01:39:35,594 --> 01:39:36,886
What? Hi.

2604
01:39:37,054 --> 01:39:40,807
<i>I was made
for lovin' you, baby</i>

2605
01:39:40,975 --> 01:39:44,727
<i>You were made for lovin' me</i>

2606
01:39:44,895 --> 01:39:46,729
<i>And I can't get...</i>

2607
01:39:50,234 --> 01:39:52,110
Is he still proposing?
What's...

2608
01:39:52,277 --> 01:39:53,736
NED: They've stopped
playing now.

2609
01:39:53,904 --> 01:39:55,822
His name's Ned.
BARB: Oh, my God, are they...

2610
01:39:55,948 --> 01:39:56,948
What?

2611
01:39:57,074 --> 01:39:58,032
Are they coming in the...
Oh, my God.

2612
01:39:58,117 --> 01:39:59,117
They're coming up
the sidewalk!

2613
01:39:59,243 --> 01:40:00,243
They're heading in!

2614
01:40:00,327 --> 01:40:01,786
They're coming in our house!
Oh, my God!

2615
01:40:01,912 --> 01:40:03,830
Everybody act natural!
Act naturally!

2616
01:40:03,998 --> 01:40:05,248
I have to redecorate
the house!

2617
01:40:16,677 --> 01:40:17,760
Hey.

2618
01:40:17,928 --> 01:40:18,928
Hi.

2619
01:40:19,096 --> 01:40:20,138
NED: Hi.

2620
01:40:20,305 --> 01:40:21,764
(STAMMERS)

2621
01:40:22,266 --> 01:40:23,433
Uh, hi.

2622
01:40:24,601 --> 01:40:26,102
I'm Ned.
PAUL: Hey, Ned.

2623
01:40:26,270 --> 01:40:27,437
Hi!
Hi!

2624
01:40:27,604 --> 01:40:29,188
This is my wife, Barb.

2625
01:40:29,356 --> 01:40:30,773
This is our friends,
Lou and Patty.

2626
01:40:30,858 --> 01:40:31,983
It's Lou.

2627
01:40:32,151 --> 01:40:33,609
NED: So excited
you're here.

2628
01:40:33,777 --> 01:40:37,030
I gotta tell you.
Uh, we are huge fans.

2629
01:40:37,197 --> 01:40:40,867
We've been members of the Kiss
Army for, like, 30 years now.

2630
01:40:41,035 --> 01:40:43,661
Yeah. Our first date was
the Crazy Nights Tour.

2631
01:40:43,829 --> 01:40:46,289
Yeah! And, boy,
was that crazy.

2632
01:40:46,373 --> 01:40:47,457
Crazy.
(ALL CHUCKLING)

2633
01:40:48,167 --> 01:40:49,167
Did you get laid?

2634
01:40:52,463 --> 01:40:53,463
Um...

2635
01:40:54,631 --> 01:40:56,299
I gave him a handjob.

2636
01:40:57,342 --> 01:40:58,885
(SNICKERS)
NED: Scotty.

2637
01:40:59,303 --> 01:41:01,012
I'm having
an awesome time,

2638
01:41:01,138 --> 01:41:02,472
but are you having
a buffet here?

2639
01:41:02,639 --> 01:41:04,182
Oh, my God.
What was I thinking?

2640
01:41:04,349 --> 01:41:05,808
Are you hungry?
Starving.

2641
01:41:05,976 --> 01:41:07,727
Oh, God, of course!
Where's our manners?

2642
01:41:07,811 --> 01:41:08,853
We're terrible hosts.

2643
01:41:08,979 --> 01:41:10,063
LOU: Let's get those
guitars, guys.

2644
01:41:10,147 --> 01:41:11,355
Come on,
let me get that axe.

2645
01:41:12,649 --> 01:41:13,733
See my body?

2646
01:41:13,817 --> 01:41:14,776
Wow! Kiss is
in our house!

2647
01:41:14,860 --> 01:41:18,029
Yeah. I'm kind of
juiced up a little bit.

2648
01:41:18,489 --> 01:41:20,364
Oh! I almost forgot about them.

2649
01:41:20,532 --> 01:41:22,366
Well...
The happy couple.

2650
01:41:22,534 --> 01:41:23,993
Congratulations.

2651
01:41:24,536 --> 01:41:25,828
She said no.

2652
01:41:26,705 --> 01:41:27,705
I'm sorry, what?

2653
01:41:27,873 --> 01:41:29,165
She said no.

2654
01:41:31,043 --> 01:41:32,043
Well...

2655
01:41:33,712 --> 01:41:34,879
Honey.

2656
01:41:35,506 --> 01:41:37,173
I'm so flattered

2657
01:41:37,341 --> 01:41:39,342
that you wanna marry me

2658
01:41:39,843 --> 01:41:40,843
but I'm not ready
for that.

2659
01:41:44,389 --> 01:41:45,723
And I'm gonna
finish school.

2660
01:41:45,891 --> 01:41:47,183
For me.

2661
01:41:47,351 --> 01:41:48,851
Because that's what
I wanna do.

2662
01:41:49,019 --> 01:41:50,520
Got it?

2663
01:41:50,687 --> 01:41:52,355
LAIRD: That's really smart.

2664
01:41:52,523 --> 01:41:55,274
It's just,
I had this big plan

2665
01:41:56,401 --> 01:41:57,693
and it didn't work out.

2666
01:41:58,529 --> 01:42:00,613
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Well, that's life, pal.

2667
01:42:02,574 --> 01:42:05,243
That is so
well put, Ned.

2668
01:42:06,036 --> 01:42:07,703
It's really,
really smart.

2669
01:42:07,871 --> 01:42:09,539
Dude, did you
come up with that?

2670
01:42:09,706 --> 01:42:11,374
The words, "That's life?"

2671
01:42:11,542 --> 01:42:14,210
Ned, you're so full of
practical wisdom...

2672
01:42:15,045 --> 01:42:16,129
I was just really
looking forward

2673
01:42:16,213 --> 01:42:17,421
to you being
my father-in-law.

2674
01:42:17,631 --> 01:42:18,631
<i>Aw.</i>

2675
01:42:19,716 --> 01:42:21,634
I'm not breaking
up with you.

2676
01:42:21,802 --> 01:42:22,802
You're not?

2677
01:42:22,928 --> 01:42:23,928
No, honey.

2678
01:42:24,096 --> 01:42:25,471
No, no, no.
I'm still your girlfriend.

2679
01:42:25,639 --> 01:42:27,348
We're still together.

2680
01:42:27,432 --> 01:42:28,432
LAIRD: Oh.

2681
01:42:29,810 --> 01:42:31,060
Oh, thank God!

2682
01:42:31,228 --> 01:42:32,270
Come here.

2683
01:42:43,240 --> 01:42:44,407
Merry Christmas.

2684
01:42:44,575 --> 01:42:45,575
Ned.
Hey.

2685
01:42:45,659 --> 01:42:47,243
Dude, your employees
are so cool.

2686
01:42:47,411 --> 01:42:48,661
Yeah, they are.

2687
01:42:48,829 --> 01:42:50,997
Maybe it was wrong of me
to interfere like that,

2688
01:42:51,165 --> 01:42:52,957
but why don't you
let me save your company?

2689
01:42:54,334 --> 01:42:56,085
(SIGHS) No, Laird,
I can't.

2690
01:42:56,253 --> 01:42:58,254
That old model
doesn't work anymore.

2691
01:42:58,422 --> 01:43:00,298
I guess...
I don't know.

2692
01:43:00,465 --> 01:43:02,258
I guess I just didn't
want to believe it.

2693
01:43:03,135 --> 01:43:04,760
But since you
mentioned it...

2694
01:43:04,928 --> 01:43:07,096
I do have a business idea
I wanna run by you.

2695
01:43:07,264 --> 01:43:08,806
Dude, elevator pitch me!

2696
01:43:08,974 --> 01:43:10,141
Okay.

2697
01:43:11,518 --> 01:43:12,810
No, hold on.

2698
01:43:12,978 --> 01:43:15,313
This wasn't my idea at all.
One second.

2699
01:43:15,480 --> 01:43:17,231
Scotty, come here.
SCOTTY: Yo, what's up?

2700
01:43:17,316 --> 01:43:18,316
Come here.
Yeah?

2701
01:43:18,442 --> 01:43:19,859
I want you to tell Laird
about the business idea

2702
01:43:19,943 --> 01:43:21,360
you mentioned
on the plane.

2703
01:43:21,528 --> 01:43:22,528
Go ahead.
Wait, really?

2704
01:43:22,613 --> 01:43:23,613
Yeah.

2705
01:43:23,697 --> 01:43:25,364
Told you to get that seat
at the table, bro.

2706
01:43:25,449 --> 01:43:26,991
You did. He told me,
Dad. He was, like...

2707
01:43:27,159 --> 01:43:28,201
"You're gonna
get that seat. "

2708
01:43:28,285 --> 01:43:29,535
I can't believe
I finally got the seat.

2709
01:43:29,703 --> 01:43:30,953
Dragons and
titties, baby.

2710
01:43:31,121 --> 01:43:32,955
Dragons and titties!
(ROARS)

2711
01:43:33,207 --> 01:43:34,540
Breathe that fire.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

2712
01:43:34,708 --> 01:43:35,708
Get up in there.

2713
01:43:36,793 --> 01:43:38,502
Get up
in those titties!

2714
01:43:38,670 --> 01:43:39,712
Gonna get those dragons.
(HISSING)

2715
01:43:40,797 --> 01:43:41,964
Dad...

2716
01:43:42,466 --> 01:43:43,799
Scotty!
(LAUGHS)

2717
01:43:43,967 --> 01:43:46,510
Stop motorboating your dad,
and elevator pitch me.

2718
01:43:46,637 --> 01:43:48,137
Sorry. Uh...

2719
01:43:48,472 --> 01:43:51,307
Laird, I can't stop thinking
about your toilets, dude.

2720
01:43:51,475 --> 01:43:53,142
My toilets?
Yeah.

2721
01:43:53,310 --> 01:43:54,977
The fresh feeling,
the scented talc.

2722
01:43:55,145 --> 01:43:57,313
I was thinking if you can
get the controls in English

2723
01:43:57,481 --> 01:43:59,148
and maybe lower the
price point a little bit,

2724
01:43:59,316 --> 01:44:00,358
we could have
a potentially untapped

2725
01:44:00,484 --> 01:44:01,442
market here in America.

2726
01:44:01,526 --> 01:44:03,152
Oh, shit.
Right?

2727
01:44:03,320 --> 01:44:04,904
And look, we can contact
a Japanese manufacturer

2728
01:44:04,988 --> 01:44:06,030
about pricing...
Ooh.

2729
01:44:06,198 --> 01:44:08,574
No, Scotty. Pardon my
French, but fuck that noise.

2730
01:44:09,159 --> 01:44:10,201
Whoa.

2731
01:44:10,327 --> 01:44:13,329
Listen. We have a factory
right here in Grand Rapids

2732
01:44:13,497 --> 01:44:15,665
with 37 of the best employees
you're ever gonna want.

2733
01:44:15,832 --> 01:44:17,750
Let's build our own.

2734
01:44:18,835 --> 01:44:20,753
Hells yes, Grateful Ned! Yeah!

2735
01:44:20,837 --> 01:44:22,255
(MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND)
Boom!

2736
01:44:22,339 --> 01:44:23,714
(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

2737
01:44:24,383 --> 01:44:25,508
Okay, sorry. Yeah.

2738
01:44:30,055 --> 01:44:35,893
<i>ALL: (SINGING) The first noel
the angels did say</i>

2739
01:44:36,061 --> 01:44:41,399
<i>Was to certain poor shepherds
In fields as they lay</i>

2740
01:44:41,566 --> 01:44:47,113
<i>In fields where they lay
keeping their sheep</i>

2741
01:44:47,281 --> 01:44:52,785
<i>On a cold winter's night
that was so deep</i>

2742
01:44:52,953 --> 01:44:54,537
<i>Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel</i>

2743
01:44:54,705 --> 01:44:57,540
It turned out to be a pretty
cool holiday after all, huh?

2744
01:44:58,417 --> 01:44:59,542
It did, son.

2745
01:45:00,377 --> 01:45:01,377
(MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND)

2746
01:45:01,461 --> 01:45:02,461
Dude.

2747
01:45:03,046 --> 01:45:04,046
What?

2748
01:45:04,131 --> 01:45:05,965
Told you you'd be calling
me "son" by Christmas.

2749
01:45:06,049 --> 01:45:07,842
Oh. (CHUCKLES)

2750
01:45:07,926 --> 01:45:09,719
That's just
a figure of speech.

2751
01:45:09,886 --> 01:45:10,928
Sure, Dad.

2752
01:45:17,477 --> 01:45:20,479
<i>Merry Christmas,
I don't want to fight tonight</i>

2753
01:45:20,564 --> 01:45:23,733
<i>Merry Christmas,
I don't want to fight tonight</i>

2754
01:45:23,900 --> 01:45:26,610
<i>Merry Christmas,
I don't want to fight tonight</i>

2755
01:45:27,946 --> 01:45:29,613
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

2756
01:45:31,575 --> 01:45:34,243
Hello there, you gang!
It is I, Gustav.

2757
01:45:34,411 --> 01:45:36,662
It's so great to see you!

2758
01:45:36,830 --> 01:45:39,415
Hey, what do you think
of the new facial hair, huh?

2759
01:45:39,583 --> 01:45:41,417
I'm based in Michigan now,
so you know...

2760
01:45:41,585 --> 01:45:42,752
I'm trying to do this
whole kind of

2761
01:45:42,836 --> 01:45:44,170
Paul Bunyan, Midwestern thing.

2762
01:45:44,338 --> 01:45:45,421
I wanted to fill it all out.

2763
01:45:46,131 --> 01:45:49,091
<i>So Scotty, Laird, and Ned
took the printing company...</i>

2764
01:45:49,301 --> 01:45:50,301
<i>turned it into
a toilet factory...</i>

2765
01:45:50,469 --> 01:45:51,969
<i>and it's going great!</i>

2766
01:45:52,137 --> 01:45:55,014
<i>The toilet is water efficient
und eco-friendly.</i>

2767
01:45:55,098 --> 01:45:56,474
<i>It's state of the art.</i>

2768
01:45:56,641 --> 01:45:59,769
<i>I'm telling you, they have
invented the Tesla of toilets!</i>

2769
01:46:00,228 --> 01:46:01,479
<i>It's amazing.</i>

2770
01:46:01,646 --> 01:46:03,314
<i>Barbara has made sure
that each toilet</i>

2771
01:46:03,398 --> 01:46:05,107
<i>has a state of the art
vaginal cleanse.</i>

2772
01:46:05,567 --> 01:46:09,862
You know
exactly what I'm saying.

2773
01:46:10,030 --> 01:46:11,614
<i>Every single model
comes with Justine.</i>

2774
01:46:11,740 --> 01:46:12,782
<i>Talk about a smart toilet.</i>

2775
01:46:12,949 --> 01:46:14,116
She knows
if you need a little sploosh

2776
01:46:14,201 --> 01:46:15,201
or if you actually need

2777
01:46:15,285 --> 01:46:16,410
the fountains
of the Bellagio up there.

2778
01:46:18,580 --> 01:46:21,040
<i>Scotty has finally
got his seat at the table.</i>

2779
01:46:21,666 --> 01:46:22,708
It's beautiful.

2780
01:46:22,959 --> 01:46:24,668
<i>He went a little too far
with the dragons,</i>

2781
01:46:24,753 --> 01:46:26,170
<i>and the titties,
and the motorboating.</i>

2782
01:46:27,798 --> 01:46:28,798
Oy vey.

2783
01:46:29,549 --> 01:46:30,633
<i>Oh, Miss Stephanie.</i>

2784
01:46:30,926 --> 01:46:33,302
She had the idea to link
the Fleming-Mayhew company

2785
01:46:33,470 --> 01:46:35,262
with the new foundation.

2786
01:46:35,389 --> 01:46:37,640
<i>So now, they're sponsoring
sewage projects</i>

2787
01:46:37,808 --> 01:46:39,934
<i>all over the Third World.
I told you.</i>

2788
01:46:40,018 --> 01:46:42,436
Smart, smart, smart girl.

2789
01:46:42,979 --> 01:46:45,856
<i>So, things are working out
really well for the gang here.</i>

2790
01:46:46,233 --> 01:46:47,733
<i>The company is
a smashing success.</i>

2791
01:46:48,318 --> 01:46:49,860
And my dear Laird

2792
01:46:50,278 --> 01:46:52,488
has finally gotten
what he's always wanted.

2793
01:46:52,906 --> 01:46:54,198
<i>To be part of a family.</i>

2794
01:46:57,619 --> 01:46:59,370
All right, ciao for now,
you friends.

2795
01:46:59,454 --> 01:47:00,579
Until we meet again.

2796
01:47:00,747 --> 01:47:02,623
Laird, it doesn't count as
a sneak attack if I can see...

2797
01:47:02,791 --> 01:47:04,542
<i>Fuck you, Goose!
Scheisse!</i>

2798
01:47:04,668 --> 01:47:06,794
<i>(ROCK AND ROLL ALL NITE
PLAYING)</i>

2799
01:47:07,295 --> 01:47:11,841
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2800
01:47:12,843 --> 01:47:14,927
<i>And party every day</i>

2801
01:47:15,262 --> 01:47:18,639
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2802
01:47:19,808 --> 01:47:21,600
<i>And party every day</i>

2803
01:47:25,021 --> 01:47:27,773
<i>You keep on saying
you'll be mine for a while</i>

2804
01:47:28,275 --> 01:47:31,402
<i>You're looking fancy
and I like your style</i>

2805
01:47:31,903 --> 01:47:36,198
<i>You drive us wild,
we'll drive you crazy</i>

2806
01:47:39,286 --> 01:47:41,996
<i>You show us
everything you've got</i>

2807
01:47:42,414 --> 01:47:44,999
<i>Baby, baby, it's quite a lot</i>

2808
01:47:45,709 --> 01:47:50,212
<i>You drive us wild,
we'll drive you crazy</i>

2809
01:47:52,507 --> 01:47:55,634
<i>You keep on shouting,
you keep on shouting</i>

2810
01:47:58,763 --> 01:48:03,225
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2811
01:48:04,311 --> 01:48:06,103
<i>And party every day</i>

2812
01:48:06,271 --> 01:48:10,065
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2813
01:48:11,318 --> 01:48:13,110
<i>And party every day</i>

2814
01:48:13,236 --> 01:48:16,989
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2815
01:48:17,949 --> 01:48:19,742
<i>And party every day</i>

2816
01:48:19,868 --> 01:48:23,454
<i>I wanna rock and roll
all night</i>

2817
01:48:24,623 --> 01:48:26,415
<i>And party every day</i>