1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:01,495 . 2 00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:09,605 - This never gets old. 3 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:11,513 - Because this job is incredibly boring. 4 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,615 - So, Kelly, do you, like, hate Amy now? 5 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,118 No. 6 00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:18,120 This was before I even started working here... 7 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,052 - Yes. - And--and it was just a kiss. 8 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,458 - Yes, exactly. Thank you, Kelly. 9 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,320 - Uh-oh... 10 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,787 looks like we got ourselves a catfight. 11 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:27,396 Amy frenched her man, 12 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,328 and now they're gonna throw down. 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:30,633 - How did you get there from-- 14 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,142 * 15 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,276 - So, then I go, "I'm undocumented," 16 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:49,275 and then Jeff goes, "That's why you dumped me?" 17 00:00:49,317 --> 00:00:51,787 And I go, "Yeah," and he goes, "Whoa," 18 00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:53,419 and I go, "Mm-hmm." 19 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,424 - He was...weird. 20 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:59,187 He said he didn't know what to do and he just left. 21 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:01,397 I mean, what if he hates me? 22 00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,429 - He doesn't hate you. - He might. 23 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:05,274 For all I know, he's reported me by now. 24 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,269 - I'm sure he didn't. If he did, then, 25 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,571 you know, a bunch of guys in uniform 26 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,172 would've busted in here by now all like, 27 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,174 "Everyone, down on the ground! 28 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,206 Black-bag that guy and throw him in the van." 29 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,282 Soldiers would pop out of the ceiling, 30 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,580 and just start pounding on you, 31 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,311 like, knee to the face, knee to the head, 32 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:20,877 crotch-punch, crotch-punch! 33 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,524 And then, you'd probably get sent to Guantanamo. 34 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:24,591 - Uh-huh. 35 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:28,118 Probably. 36 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:38,199 They're right here. - Shut up, Corey. 37 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,802 You know I have the power to fire you. 38 00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,874 - I don't know. 39 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,313 I'm just so annoyed with everybody 40 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,838 and this stupid video. 41 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,343 - It'll pass. 42 00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:50,305 You remember Robin with that whole sexting thing? 43 00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:52,184 Nobody even mentions it anymore. 44 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,853 - Robin killed himself. 45 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,181 - Oh... 46 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,347 Still, though. - Uh-oh. 47 00:01:58,386 --> 00:02:00,346 Back to the scene of the crime, you guys. 48 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,364 That's porn music, it's not "Seinfeld." 49 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:07,163 - We get it. Point taken. 50 00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,355 - Yeah, you really zinged us. - You really zinged each other. 51 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:11,867 You should write for Craig Ferguson. 52 00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,499 - Just ignore it. - That's what I'm doing. 53 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,404 - You guys looking for the condoms? 54 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,306 - Corey already said that. 55 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,868 - Hey, Corey, you stole my condom joke. 56 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:22,407 * 57 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,643 - I just keep thinking about 58 00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,477 Jonah and Amy kissing each other. 59 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,223 - Okay... are you imagining 60 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,618 that you're the Jonah or you're the Amy? 61 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,749 No. I mean, Amy was married. 62 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,754 I thought they were both good people, 63 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,216 and then--and then they-- 64 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,555 they still wound up committing adultery. 65 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:36,889 - I don't know why you're so shocked. 66 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,464 People are basically just monsters 67 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,392 hiding behind the thin veneer of social convention. 68 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,558 - Oh, come on. I mean, uh, yeah, sure, 69 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,526 there's a few Naughty Nathans out there, 70 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,265 but most people are basically good. 71 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,501 - I watch security footage 72 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:49,836 of people who don't know they're on camera. 73 00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,670 Do you have any idea how many customers 74 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,405 have taken poops on the floor of the store 75 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,711 because they think they're alone? 76 00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:56,782 - I don't wanna know! 77 00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:58,980 Is it zero? - 17. 78 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,782 - Well, that's on me for asking. 79 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,354 - People are monsters. 80 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,783 Take away the threat of punishment, 81 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,617 and you'd be horrified by what people admitted to doing. 82 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,461 One of you has committed a serious malfeasance, 83 00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,491 and I'm not talking about Amy's adultery. 84 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,856 - All right, "adultery" is a strong word. 85 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,355 - Heck yeah it is. 86 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,867 - What I'm talking about is something else. 87 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,398 This is a fireable offense. 88 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,304 - However, we're giving that person one chance. 89 00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:25,367 You come forward today, admit what you did, 90 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,806 and we will forget everything. 91 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,380 - Okay, but how do we know if the thing that we did 92 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:31,410 is the thing you're talking about? 93 00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,545 - That's why anyone who comes to us today 94 00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:35,321 and admits to doing something wrong 95 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,719 will be granted full amnesty. 96 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,321 - How do we know if you tell you something, 97 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,923 you're not gonna, you know, call Corporate 98 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,024 or the government or something? - Yeah, sounds like a trap. 99 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,727 - No, I promise, you will not be punished, 100 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,960 I swear on the-- on the grave of my father. 101 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,465 - I swear on my birds. 102 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,641 - Okay. - Oh, wow. 103 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,609 - She does love birds. - Yeah. 104 00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,608 - * You don't belong 105 00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:04,682 * We're not gonna take it 106 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,682 * No, we ain't gonna take-- 107 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,884 - What do you think someone did? 108 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,386 - I don't know. 109 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:14,389 - Still don't know. - When do you think it even-- 110 00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,932 - I don't have any more information than you do. 111 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,358 - Man, I just wish I had known 112 00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:20,593 that they were giving out amnesty. 113 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,028 I would've broken a rule. 114 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,562 - Hold on a second... 115 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,927 we have till the end of the day to confess, right? 116 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,636 - Yeah. 117 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,538 - I think we may have stumbled onto a "Purge"-type situation. 118 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,370 We can break one rule today with no consequences. 119 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,576 - Oh... like, we could wear hats. 120 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,808 That's against dress code. 121 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,513 - Okay, so you could do anything you want, 122 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:39,345 and you wanna waste it on a hat? 123 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,580 - Okay, um... how 'bout we steal a boat? 124 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,776 - Well, we don't sell boats, 125 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,517 but I like that you're thinking bigger. 126 00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,453 - Right. 127 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,387 Also, I just remembered, I get kinda seasick, 128 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,662 so the boat thing is definitely a no-go. 129 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,761 - Okay, well, we were never gonna do the boat thing, 130 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,503 but cool. - Okay. 131 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,698 - Hey, Jeff, um, third call. 132 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,630 Just still really wanting to see how you were feeling 133 00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:01,096 about the whole undocumented thing, 134 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,104 or if you're mad at me or not, 135 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,836 of if you told anyone or didn't, 136 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,072 or would or wouldn't. 137 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,806 I-- 138 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,081 Sorry, this weird lady's looking at me. 139 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,611 - Well, it's been over an hour 140 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,846 and not one employee has confessed, 141 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:16,722 and I found a dollar on the floor, 142 00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:19,420 so eat peas. 143 00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,523 It's all cryptocurrency now, ya dino. 144 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,085 - Can someone please open a register? 145 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,833 I have kind of a shrimp emergency. 146 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,358 - All the registers should be open. 147 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,964 - Well, I'm not being dramatic. 148 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:30,095 My wife is gonna murder me. 149 00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,872 - All right, let's all take a number. 150 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:37,102 We're gonna get to everyone. 151 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:42,880 . 152 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:43,740 - So, um, I might have done something wrong, 153 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,608 but, um, I'm not sure 154 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:48,147 if it's the same thing you guys are talking about. 155 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,551 - Well, why don't you just tell us what it is? 156 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:51,794 - Then we'll tell you if your thing 157 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:52,989 is the same thing we're talking about. 158 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,520 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh... 159 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:57,486 why don't you tell me your thing first, 160 00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:00,555 then I'll say if it's the same thing as...my thing? 161 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,134 I mean, that sounds better to me. 162 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,902 - How 'bout this, you tell us the first letter of your thing, 163 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,101 and then we'll know if we're on the same page. 164 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,643 - Okay, fine. 165 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:11,669 Um, the letter "U"? - Yes, "U." 166 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:14,165 The thing we know about also starts with "U." 167 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,577 - Okay, now give me the second letter, 168 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,139 and then we can just go back and forth. 169 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,707 - Just tell us what you know! - You tell me what you know! 170 00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,506 - Utah! 171 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,051 - Eating my lunch. 172 00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,015 Trying to stay away from all the looks 173 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,794 and the comments and... - Yeah. 174 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,562 - Kinda tired of telling people to mind their own business. 175 00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,592 - So, I know this may come as a surprise, 176 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,127 but I actually got teased a lot in middle school. 177 00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,573 No. 178 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,598 - Yeah, I don't know if it was the rattail 179 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,033 or the eighth grade talent show 180 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,638 where I did a Bossa Nova rendition 181 00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,770 of "Material Girl" on alto sax... 182 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,205 - That. It was that. 183 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,639 - But the moment I stopped fighting it 184 00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:51,546 and--and actually just laughed along with them, 185 00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,549 it wasn't fun for them anymore. - Mm. 186 00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,451 - They started teasing this fat kid instead, 187 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:58,693 which, long story short, he's a male model now. 188 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,959 - Wow. You're really the hero of that story. 189 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,689 - I guess so. 190 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:07,234 - Uh-oh, hope I'm not interrupting anything. 191 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:10,960 - Sex. 192 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:13,168 - No, it's not. 193 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,870 I think you mean this. 194 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:19,865 - Yeah, there you go. 195 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:21,577 - Oh... 196 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,979 - This is nice. 197 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,211 - Okay, so, I'm the one 198 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:26,575 who's been stealing the shopping carts, 199 00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,884 uh, but they're not for me. 200 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,615 I give 'em to the homeless. 201 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,790 - Tha--that's not too bad! - I just give 'em the carts. 202 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,489 They do the battling on their own. 203 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:36,192 Battling? 204 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,693 - I've been smoking weed in the stock room 205 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,055 on Wednesdays and Fridays. 206 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,732 - Right under our noses. How awful. 207 00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,131 - And on Mondays and Thursdays, I just drink. 208 00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:44,533 And on Saturdays, 209 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,825 I go to the Cinnabon and go nuts. 210 00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:47,767 It's so good. 211 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:51,741 - I stole a pack of Sour Cherry Bubblicious. 212 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,972 - Well, that's not too bad. - I liked the Sour Cherry, 213 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:58,677 because it reminded me of a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra. 214 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,722 My uncle Frank worked for the Jollytime Factory. 215 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:04,920 - It's this new web series thing I'm working on. 216 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:07,762 The elevator pitch is bum fights on crack. 217 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,758 - So, you know how me and Carol hate each other-- 218 00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:12,630 well, I hate her. Actually, she looks up to me. 219 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,260 Anyway, I paid four different guys to come into the store 220 00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:18,665 and ask her out and then never show up. 221 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:19,569 - Nice. 222 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,970 - I've been doing things to Sandra's lunch. 223 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,772 [cover of The Sugarhill Gang's "Apache "] 224 00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,174 - An electrical spark at the factory 225 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,306 ignited the corn starch, 226 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,981 causing a big explosion on the third floor-- 227 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,152 maybe it was the fourth floor. 228 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,821 - What floor did Uncle Frank work on? 229 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,179 - The fourth floor! - No! 230 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,647 - Oh, gosh. - Yes. 231 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,286 - So, you film homeless people 232 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,220 smashing each other with our carts? 233 00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:43,855 - Sometimes, I'll just give one of 'em a cart 234 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:46,291 and the other a stick or a trashcan lid. 235 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,726 It's barbaric. 236 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,631 - What is happening in this store? 237 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,033 - Aw, it's not just this store, it's the whole world. 238 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,325 Now, you just keep that same face right there... 239 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,936 - That is going on my wall 240 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,811 right next to the picture of me with the guy who played Balki. 241 00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:01,741 - Bronson Pinchot. 242 00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,935 - I don't know what you're saying to me. 243 00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,747 - There's that hat rule: "not allowed." 244 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,680 - Okay, we're not just hatting this. 245 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,916 There has to be something in-between maiming someone 246 00:09:10,951 --> 00:09:12,921 and putting on a fedora. 247 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,763 - "Employees should avoid discussing racial issues, 248 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,729 "including positive comments such as, 249 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,599 "'I for one am proud of this Mexican's achievements.'" 250 00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,929 - Most of this stuff is stuff I don't wanna do 251 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,034 or doesn't even apply. 252 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:28,195 "A female employee's skirt shall start below the knee, 253 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,265 and her bosom shall be fully covered"? 254 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,173 - Yeah. 255 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,965 - Most days, I don't even wear underwear, 256 00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:36,107 mainly 'cause mentioning that gets me free donuts 257 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:38,353 from whoever's working café. 258 00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,278 - Couldn't you just lie about that? 259 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,853 - They would know. 260 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,653 I would know. 261 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,160 Guy trouble is not fun. 262 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,959 - Oh, uh, yeah, thanks, 263 00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,931 but Jonah and I are-- we're totally fine. 264 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:55,001 - Oh, that's great. 265 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,398 Well, I just want you to know I have your back. 266 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,270 - That's really sweet. 267 00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,739 - Should we do something to Amy's car? 268 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:05,140 - Or wait... she has a daughter, right? 269 00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:08,382 Oh, she loves that daughter. 270 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:11,038 - Yeah, I--I like her daughter too. 271 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,848 - It's always gonna be people like us 272 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,950 against the Amy's and the Sandra's of the world. 273 00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:19,193 We're the same. You and I are the same. 274 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,794 - Careful. - Oh-- 275 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,792 - Oh, hey. 276 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:31,227 Do you guys want us to leave you alone with this bed? 277 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,804 Yeah? 278 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,444 - Um, you know what, Corey, yes. 279 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,009 Could you hit the lights on your way out? 280 00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,038 'Cause we were just about to have a nooner. 281 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,213 - Yeah, unless, you know, anybody wants to stick around 282 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,782 and--and film all the banging that we're gonna do. 283 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,452 - That's a good idea. 284 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,779 They said they were gonna bang. - Admitted it. 285 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,046 - Oh, yeah, bangin' and proud of it. 286 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:54,094 Watch out, Cloud 9's about to get real hot up in here! 287 00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:55,461 - Uh-oh! - Uh-oh! 288 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,864 - It's not fun when you're into it. 289 00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:00,232 - Come on, you guys, you're being annoying now. 290 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:01,430 - You know, what's annoying is being around 291 00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,431 this hottie all day long 292 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:05,803 and just not getting to make out. 293 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,843 - You know, it's like our lips are magnets. 294 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,738 Every time we see each other, it's like, "Hi, Jonah..." 295 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:12,110 - "Whoa-oh-oh, oh, my God, can't control my lips. 296 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,139 Uh - "Uh-oh! Watch out!" 297 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,884 [funky music playing over radio] 298 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,479 - That--that was an accident... 299 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,350 - We didn't mean to do that. - But you--yeah. 300 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,279 Yeah, because you were going in... 301 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:24,354 - Guys, something just happened! 302 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,124 * 303 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:31,161 . 304 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:31,791 - But we didn't actually kiss. 305 00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,856 The whole thing just got blown out of proportion. 306 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,925 - But your lips were touching her lips-- 307 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:40,074 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it-- it's 308 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,940 If--if--if you're giving someone CPR, 309 00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:44,269 are you kissing them? 310 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:47,214 - No, no, look, we were just pretending we wanted to kiss, 311 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:51,810 okay, so that people would stop saying we wanted to kiss. 312 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,245 That sounds stupid. 313 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,220 [instrumental cover of a 314 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,322 I mean...seriously? 315 00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,785 - This is all Sandra. 316 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,494 - I'm taking a Learning Annex course. 317 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,295 * 318 00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:10,128 - It's impressive. 319 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:15,073 * 320 00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,472 - Thank you all for coming on such short notice. 321 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,274 - Uh, Glenn, before we get started, 322 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,206 I just wanted to say that I'm wearing a hat, 323 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,781 which I know is against the rules. 324 00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:25,950 And boom! Amnesty. - Ok--okay. 325 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,049 Uh, as you all know, from time to time, 326 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,521 we have a guest speaker... 327 00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,249 - We've literally never done that. 328 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:35,264 - So...I would like to introduce you to Pastor Craig. 329 00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,318 - You know the rules about religion at work. 330 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,557 - And I get amnesty today, 331 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,131 so why don't you go kiss a table? 332 00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,560 There is something wrong with the souls 333 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,865 of the people who work here... - Amen. 334 00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,498 - And I am not just gonna stand back 335 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,903 and let this place become Times Square, New York City! 336 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,537 - Hallelujah. - Yeah. 337 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,071 Pastor Craig? - Mm. 338 00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,836 - They're all yours. - All right. 339 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:56,875 Hmm... 340 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,384 What are you doing to us? 341 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:08,292 Stop it! 342 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,891 - Justine. 343 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,493 - Well, Justine... 344 00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:14,155 I love you. 345 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:17,034 - I love you too. 346 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,834 And I don't care what you've done. 347 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:23,197 God hates the sin, 348 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,536 but he loves the sinner. 349 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:28,182 - Example: Sandra... 350 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,308 Who is Sandra? Where is, uh... 351 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,613 All right. 352 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:34,254 Now, Sandra, it--it says here 353 00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:38,091 that you wanna kill a coworker named Carol. 354 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,193 - Yeah. 355 00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,361 - Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand. 356 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:47,330 When I'm frustrated, I wanna wring someone's neck. 357 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,500 - Exactly. Wring it hard. 358 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,328 What do you do when that feeling comes over you? 359 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:59,007 - Well, I...put on a hoodie that covers my face. 360 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,069 Then I take the 47 bus line 361 00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,438 to a library in a far-away town. 362 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:07,146 Then I open a private browser on one of their computers, 363 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,080 and Google how I'm thinking of killing her 364 00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,846 to see what mistakes people usually make. 365 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,191 - Jesus. 366 00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:19,363 [Vengaboys' "We Like to Party" playing on TV] 367 00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:23,902 * 368 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,231 All right, everybody blow it out. 369 00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:27,095 Come on, blow it out. 370 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:29,444 - Blow out the sin! 371 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:33,371 Blow it on out. Blow it on out. 372 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,506 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... you feel that? 373 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,683 I think it just got a little lighter in here. 374 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,981 - I felt it, big time. 375 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,254 - Hallelujah. 376 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:44,992 So, keep breathing, blow out those sins, 377 00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,958 and forgive yourself. 378 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,318 All right, Amen. 379 00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,156 All right, so, I think, we're good here. 380 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,191 Uh, do you guys sell those tire air-pressure tester-- 381 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,426 what do you call those things, the small-- 382 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,131 - Tire gauge. 383 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,303 - Yes, thank you. I need a tire gauge. 384 00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:00,301 - I told ya, you take away the punishment, 385 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,173 you find out what people really are. 386 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,942 What are you talking about? 387 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,941 - There was no fireable offense. 388 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,673 Dina said that people were monsters, 389 00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:10,707 and as a Christian, I wanted to prove that they weren't. 390 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,453 - Actually, we Christians believe 391 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:13,679 that all people are sinners. 392 00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,083 It's, uh--it's kind of our whole thing. 393 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,015 - So, wait, Jeff didn't say anything? 394 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:18,220 What would Jeff have said? 395 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,421 I don't know, he's a liar. 396 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,593 I mean, he's always lying about stuff, so... 397 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,722 - But Dina was right. 398 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,557 We are all monsters, 399 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,433 who love to watch bum fights 400 00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,961 or put gross stuff in each other's lunches. 401 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:33,628 - Oh, I know that Carol messes with my lunch. 402 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,096 That's why I always make a decoy lunch. 403 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,306 - You don't think I know about the decoy lunch? 404 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:41,338 - And even Amy and Jonah-- you had an affair. 405 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,514 - Glenn, it wasn't an affair, it was one kiss, 406 00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:47,384 and it happened because we thought we were about to die. 407 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,384 - We all thought we were gonna die. 408 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:53,216 You didn't see me smooching the first lady person I could find. 409 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,623 - Weren't you praying to Allah the whole time? 410 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,055 - Yes. - Oh. 411 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,460 - What--no, I didn't-- - Glenn... 412 00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,731 I am not the one on trial here. 413 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,460 - You know what, nobody's on trial, okay? 414 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,055 - Nobody. - We all make mistakes. 415 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,427 We all have lust in our hearts. 416 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,265 - That wasn't lust. - I wouldn't say lust. 417 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,600 - Well, I'm sorry, I don't know you guys that well. 418 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:10,195 Maybe you're in love then. 419 00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:11,737 - No. We're not in love. - No, definitely not love. 420 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,371 - So you say, 421 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:16,036 but Lord, I'm sensing something going on right here. 422 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,176 Y'all feel that? - Ooh! 423 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,610 - Right up there. Y'all feel that? 424 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,245 Something good... - Great, this again. Woo-hoo. 425 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:24,751 - No, uh, actually, we're--we're dating, so... 426 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,694 - Oh, uh, tire gauge girl. 427 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:28,419 Okay. 428 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:32,055 Is it love or lust? 429 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,692 - All right, guys, enough is enough. 430 00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,356 - It doesn't matter. 431 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,395 Even if they were soul mates, it doesn't make it okay. 432 00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,771 - Look, Amy is not my soul mate, okay? 433 00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,341 Yes, fine, uh, 434 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:46,740 when I first started working here years ago, 435 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:49,143 I--I had a little crush on Amy. 436 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,736 There, I said it. Okay 437 00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,408 - Exactly. And at one point, 438 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,746 I had a crush on Jonah, and that's all in the past. 439 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,152 - Exactly. 440 00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:59,654 Wait, what did--you-- when did you-- 441 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,786 did--what--you--yeah--no. 442 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,261 Never mind. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, 443 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,620 because if--even if we-- 444 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,227 because it--with the timing and everything, it's-- 445 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:08,730 yeah, so, you get it. 446 00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:12,431 So...stop. 447 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,802 - He didn't know. 448 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,107 - No! We never-- 449 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,610 --we've moved on. 450 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,252 - Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 451 00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,408 And, you know-- and-- 452 00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:29,277 anyway, it--it-- it doesn't matter, bec-- 453 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,246 we've--we've all, you know-- 454 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,524 and--and--and besides, you know, I've-- 455 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,823 I'm with--I've got-- I'm with, um... 456 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,355 - Kelly. - I'm with Kelly. 457 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,330 Yeah, no, I--I-- I know your name, obviously. 458 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:41,329 - Guys, this is amazing. - Yeah. 459 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:42,831 - Yeah, I'm generally a cynic, 460 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,402 but this? Wow. 461 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,372 - She didn't know that he didn't know, 462 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,271 and now he knows that she knows-- 463 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:56,706 . 464 00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:57,743 - So, do you guys think he should be with Kelly or Amy? 465 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,646 - I'm kind of Team Amy now. - Yeah. 466 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:02,280 - I'm with you. I'm fully shipping them. 467 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:03,575 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 468 00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,116 - Oh, hey, Ame. 469 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,423 'Sup? 470 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,728 - We're--we're just having normal workplace conversations. 471 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,160 all: Yeah. - Mm-hmm. 472 00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,355 - Mm-hmm. - Sure. 473 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,726 - Yep. How are you doing with everything? 474 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,895 - There it is. You know me. 475 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,873 Struggling to keep it in my pants. 476 00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:25,242 With Jonah roaming around here somewhere, 477 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,442 I'm just like, "Give it to me, Jonah." 478 00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:28,914 - That's a good one. 479 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:29,781 - Yep. Mm-hmm. 480 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,709 - Yep, gonna go find him now 481 00:18:31,744 --> 00:18:34,354 and just, like, do him, you know? 482 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:38,591 Soft lines? More like hard lines. 483 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,288 Get it? 484 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,792 Watching your world view get shattered 485 00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:47,855 has been the highlight of my year, 486 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,734 and that includes meeting that Balki guy. 487 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,732 - Bronson Pinchot. 488 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,474 - Hey, guys, I'm taking off. 489 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:56,740 -- let's get this over with. 490 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,808 Did you make two nuns fight a prostitute? 491 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,310 Broil a child? - Nah, I didn't do anything. 492 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,714 I'm very, very sorry to say, 493 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,645 but, uh, I haven't broken any rules. 494 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:10,480 So, you've never gotten stoned at work 495 00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,787 or--or hit golf balls off the checkout? 496 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,319 You've never taken a video game home, 497 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,525 played it, repackaged it, and put it back on the shelf? 498 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:19,928 - No. 499 00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:21,559 I mean, those are all things I probably could've done, 500 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,634 but did not. 501 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,903 * 502 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:28,341 - Garrett... you little rule follower. 503 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,768 * 504 00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,672 I found a good one! 505 00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:34,874 * 506 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,477 - His ability to delude himself 507 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,279 is the only impressive thing about him. 508 00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:39,911 - I think I was just disoriented in the moment, 509 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:43,476 but I am not cool with him kissing my head. 510 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,746 - Hey. 511 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,985 - Kelly. - Uh--yes, I know your-- 512 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:53,831 Look, uh, I was just flustered, you know, back there. 513 00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:56,360 - Yeah, sure. Well, it's very flustering 514 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:59,866 when you find out that the girl you like likes you back. 515 00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,869 -- 516 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,701 everything just got blown out of proportion. 517 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,366 - Let me ask you this, 518 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,665 if--if your crush had timed out with Amy's crush, 519 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,277 would we be together right now? - Yes. 520 00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,680 - Really. 521 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,351 Look, I don't want this whole Amy thing to set us back. 522 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,751 I wanna-- 523 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,752 I wanna move forward with you. 524 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,817 Why not? 525 00:20:23,856 --> 00:20:25,556 I mean, if--if you want to. 526 00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:26,792 Do 527 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,596 - Do--well, sure, yeah. 528 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,029 I mean, I would--yeah. 529 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,174 - Yeah, great, okay. 530 00:20:33,199 --> 00:20:35,799 Cool, then we're doing it. We're--we're living together. 531 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,665 - All right. 532 00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:42,737 * 533 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:45,445 Chad, it's Mateo. 534 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:48,318 Do--I know I've said some horrible things about you 535 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,718 in the comments of your Instagram, 536 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,649 but, you know, I can't find Jeff, 537 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,354 and I've been calling the office-- 538 00:20:53,386 --> 00:20:55,786 - I quit my job. 539 00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:58,462 - Uh, Chad, I'm gonna call you back. 540 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:01,731 Uh, probably not, actually. 541 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,001 Jeff... 542 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:06,531 * 543 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,966 - Sure. 544 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,341 Nice shirt. 545 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,611 It's the one Matt Damon wore 546 00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:13,909 at the end of "The Bourne Identity." 547 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,580 That's so cool. 548 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,349 - Right on. 549 00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:21,908 I can return it, if you don't like it.