.
- So, Bo, what makes you interested
in a career at Cloud 9?
- Money.
- Oh, sure, sure--money.
- We've got the baby, and, you know,
we're saving up for a wedding, and it's really expensive.
Our theme is "Sick as Hell." - Oh.
- Or maybe it's gonna be "Dope as Ass."
We're still kinda deciding on that,
you know what I'm saying? But together.
- Aww. Okay, well,
why don't you tell me a little bit about your work experience?
On your application, you said, uh,
"DJ, player's player,"
and you drew a picture of a skateboard.
- Yeah, that's my tag. It's what up.
- Bo doesn't have a lot of work experience,
but he's a great dad... - Yeah.
- And he's good with people.
- Yo, and I roll the fattest Js, so...
- Okay, uh, where do you see yourself in the future?
- Future--okay. So for real,
I've given this actually, like, a lot of thought.
It's like, there's no government,
there's no laws, and I'm the head of, like,
this roving murder gang kinda thing,
but my best friend is a robot.
- He means--where do you see yourself at Cloud 9?
- Oh... yo, I'm not in this
for long term at all, you know what I'm saying?
I'm just here to make some paper, then bounce.
[laughs] Yo, but don't tell that
to the bozos in charge of hiring.
- Um, Glenn is in charge of hiring.
- Oh, cool, okay.
Yeah, I'm here for a long time, so...
[upbeat music]
*
- Okay, let's give a warm first-day welcome
to our newest employee, Bo Thompson...
- What's up?
- Who apparently wasn't filled in about the dress code.
- Why does his middle finger look so weird?
Oh, it's a penis. Ha, clever.
- Bo, maybe you should change.
- Change into what?
Where am I supposed to find another shirt?
- We work in a store.
- Okay, moving on.
Uh, today, we're gonna be spring cleaning,
which is gonna be buckets of fun.
- [chuckles]
What? That's--that was funny.
- No, it wasn't.
- Literally nobody laughed, except for you.
- It's barely even wordplay.
He just said buckets, and held up a bucket.
- It's called prop comedy, Dina.
- You're just kissing up to him,
'cause you're dating his daughter.
- That's not true at all. In fact, just this morning,
Kristen said she respects how much I don't kiss up.
- Where did you see Kristen this morning?
- Hm?
We, uh, met for breakfast.
- Wait, I'm confused, 'cause it's 6:30 right now.
So does that mean you got up and drove from your house,
and she got up and drove from her house
to meet for breakfast before 6:00 a.m.?
- That's what happened.
- And what restaurant is open at, like, 4:00 in the morning?
- It was a gas station.
- Gas station breakfast usually starts at 6:00.
Was this BP or Mobil? - Oh, I don't--I don't remember.
- Nah, fools, they're banging.
You know what I'm saying? - Oh.
- He's getting a little breakfast action.
Yeah.
[desk rattling]
- * Let's go
- * Duke gonna get 'em
- * Go get 'em Duke
- * Duke gonna get 'em
- * Let's go
* Get loose go ahead and do it *
* Hold up wait a minute
* Let me get into it
* Get loose go ahead and do it *
* Hold up wait a minute
* Let me get into it
- Wow, someone just never picked up their photos.
What do we do? Do we just toss them?
- Uh, well, first, we look for any naked pictures,
and I will be doing that.
Dressed, dressed...
- Hey, Glenn. - Dressed.
Landscape. Dressed.
- Do you feel good about how that just went?
- I don't get it.
Normally, my girlfriends' dads love me.
I still keep in touch with most of them.
I just took Naomi's dad to a train museum.
- Oh, here we go. Nope, that's just two peaches.
- Jonah, relax. Glenn likes you.
- Yeah, but he doesn't seemed jazzed, you know.
I want him-- I want him to be jazzed.
- Just stop trying so hard.
Eventually, he'll be-- I'm not gonna say jazzed.
He's--he's gonna be fine with it.
- Does that look like a piece of a butt to you guys?
- There's a lot of butts on the Internet.
Have you tried looking there?
- It's too easy. I like the hunt.
- You just scan the barcode,
and it shows you how many units we have in inventory.
- Ha! Oh, yo, Cheyenne to the boneyard immediately STAT.
Ha-ha, yeah. - Charming.
Can we just get back to the scanning, though?
- Oh, I'll get back to it. Boom! Headshot.
- Stop! - One shot, one kill.
- Would you-- - Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew.
- Do you wanna learn this stuff or not?
- What, this? Psh, not really--no.
I'm just here to make a quick 5 Gs, and then bounce,
you know what I'm saying? How long is it gonna take?
Like a week, or something?
- [laughs]
- Ha...
All right, what's so funny? What, somebody fart?
- Oh. Hey, Myrtle.
You've been here for 30 years? - Yep.
- Okay, how much money have you saved?
- Almost $900.
I'm almost ready to head on out to California.
[quirky music]
- I feel like I know this girl.
Or maybe she worked here.
- Oh, yeah, she does look familiar.
I was just focused on the neck down before, so...
- Hey, Tate, do you recognize this girl?
Like, maybe she worked here in the last ten years or something.
- Hm.
Oh, yeah, was the the one on fluoxetine?
No. [snaps]
That was Carol.
Oh, maybe lithium.
No. [laughs]
No, that was also Carol.
Yeah, Carol is what we in the medical profession call a...
[blubbers] Cuckoo.
- You can just say no. - Yeah, no, I don't know her.
Ooh, hey, let me know when you need, uh,
refills on that skin stuff.
- Um, no--you were thinking of Carol.
He's thinking of Carol. - Mm.
- You can't give up on your first day.
Just give it a little bit more time, okay?
- It's like--how are they gonna pay us so little
for all this work we're doing, huh?
- Cheyenne, I have your change.
Great.
$100, $200, $300, $400... [laughs]
Keep on spending, sheep.
$500, $600, $700, $800...
- Hey, Glenn. - Oh.
- Brought you a cup of joe.
Coffee--cup of joe.
You've never heard that expression before?
- No, why wouldn't you just say coffee?
- I don't know. Uh, it's more fun?
- Oh--oh, okay.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, it's black. - Oh, yeah, sorry.
I didn't know how you took it.
- It's fine, it's fine.
Yeah, it's fine.
- So, what's going on? What's up?
- Um--uh, nothing.
Well, I was just about to eat lunch.
- Oh, no kidding, I was just about to eat my lunch too
at, uh, 10:30.
How 'bout we, uh--how about we eat together, you know?
- You wanna eat lunch with me? - Yeah!
Yeah, it'll give us a chance to talk, you know,
get to know each other. It'll be fun.
- Okay.
Let me--let me just finish this coffee.
[clears throat]
- You know, you don't have to finish that.
- No, I love it.
- If--if you don't, it's not gonna offend me.
.
- Um...
I'll have a hot dog.
- Sorry, we don't have hot dogs.
- Cheeseburger then.
- We only really serve Mexican food.
- One Mexican cheeseburger.
- We'll have two beef quesadillas, please.
- You got it.
- Quesadilla? - Mm-hmm.
- Quesadilla.
It's colorful in here.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- This is fun. Why haven't we done this before?
- You know what, I don't know. It's--it's really nice
to get to know each other outside of work.
- Exactly.
Ask me anything. - Uh, okay.
Where were you born?
- Kansas City.
- Oh.
- Do Jewish people like snow?
- Um...some of us.
- Wow. - Yeah.
- Your turn. - Uh, do you have any siblings?
- Oh, what a strange question.
Um, yeah, four.
Uh, what's the biggest dog you've ever seen, and why?
- Okay, try Veronica Harris.
She quit in 2011.
- Veronica Harris.
Oh, no, it's definitely not Veronica.
- Oh, Veronica.
How is she doing?
- Prison. - What?
Another one went to prison?
- Yeah, we're kind of a feeder. - Ugh, okay, um...
try Robin Sanders.
both: Ooh, no.
- Not Robin. Meth hit her hard.
- God, why do people do it?
- My guess--it feels incredible.
- Yo, let's say, like, someone, like, got in here
and took all that oxi, and, like, got out.
How do they, like, move that, you know what I'm saying?
- Easy, you just go to the nearest playground,
and just sell the whole stash to some rich moms.
Yeah, all that pressure to get their bods back
after pregnancy-- it's gotta go somewhere, huh?
[gobbles, mumbles]
My marriage is over.
[both laugh]
They're deeply unhappy. - Bo, um...
you're not assigned to pharmacy. What are you doing here?
- Oh, no reason. I'm just hanging with my boy.
- Okay, 'cause it's a really good thing
that you have this job,
and I wouldn't want you to mess it up.
- No, don't worry, baby, all right?
Yo, thanks for the info, Dr. S. - No problem.
Uh... [clears throat]
Real talk for a sec?
- Yeah. - I'm jealous of your mustache.
- Blesses and riches.
- This was fun. - I know, right?
I-I'm so glad we did this.
- Me too. - Dessert?
- Uh, do you have a Mexican version of a churro?
- Um, I think we can put something together for you.
- You know what, actually, uh,
I-I think we should probably head back.
My break just ended five minutes ago.
- Oh. - Yeah.
- Well, why don't we call the boss?
Hello, Glenn, it's Glenn.
Can Jonah have an extra long lunch?
What, he can? That's great.
You're the best. Bye.
I'm Glenn--same Glenn. I mean, I'm both Glenns.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, you know, Glenn, I-I appreciate it,
but if--if you make an exception for me,
and then the other associates notice,
they're probably gonna get jealous,
and it'll get weird, so...
- I didn't think of it like that.
- I know. If I could,
I would hang out all day,
but, you know, life.
- Yeah, life.
I'll get the check. - All right.
- Excuse me, sir, do you take American dollars here?
- Well, this has escalated.
- I-I just feel like there's gotta be something
that tells us who she is,
like a stack of mail with an address on it,
or--or--or--or like a-- a car with a license plate,
and we can run the plate.
- Okay, explain to me the process
by which we would run a plate.
- We would call someone on the force.
- The force?
- Yes, that is what people call it.
- Look, I am all for wasting time on useless activities,
but this is entering Carol territory.
- Look at that kitchen, Garrett.
That's like a-- a million dollar kitchen.
Aren't you the least bit curious
about how someone who used to work here
ended up in a house like that?
- Is that a solid oak table?
- Looks like a solid oak table.
- And a French press. - That is a French press.
Do you know how much disposable time you need
to make French press coffee? Too much.
- We're gonna need to make these a lot bigger.
- Yes.
[seedy music]
*
- Hey, no one's allowed in here.
- Yeah, I got--I got lost and stuff, so...
Oh, hey, this is, like, real badass, you know.
This is like CTU headquarters or something.
You're like Jack Bauer, you know what I'm saying?
- [laughs] I don't know that
I could actually do everything that he--
You know what? No. Accept the compliment.
Thank you.
- Yeah, you got a tough job, for real.
You know, there's, like, a lot of dangerous people out there.
You got gang bangers running around, Slender Man.
Whoa, oh, where is he? You know what I'm saying?
Oh, ISISes.
- I worry about ISIS all the time.
You know, people spend so much time watching the coasts.
You know where they're gonna strike first?
Right here in the heartland.
- Yeah, what's up, truth?
So I'm, like, thinking, like,
I wanna learn about all this, you know what I'm saying?
You know, like, the cameras and the locks
and the alarms and all that.
- Fellow security buff, huh? - Yeah.
- Ha, who knew? Here I thought
you were nothing more than a worthless dirt bag.
- Nah, I contain multitudes, yo.
- Hey, you wanted to see me?
- I just talked to corporate, and they said
as long as I don't give you a raise of any kind,
I can make you my assistant.
Now we get to hang out all day.
.
- 11 Mississippi, 12 Mississippi, 13.
Uh, he says to count to 13.
He likes it more as a slurry.
- So as his assistant, do you have to wear the tie?
- Uh, no.
He--he said it--it--
it makes it easier for the two of us to play pranks.
- Well, on the bright side, he's now good and jazzed, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I just love the tie.
It makes me so happy. - Glad to hear that.
- So are you his assistant now forever?
- No, no--no--no, just, like,
until Kristen and I break up.
- But what happens if you guys get married?
- Oh, well, then-- well, then, uh...
I guess until Glenn dies.
- The tie just makes me so happy, man.
I mean, it's like you're a little, tiny businessman.
- Only about half the cameras work.
The rest are just deterrents.
But the thieves don't know where the blind spots are.
- Oh, he's totally packing, right?
- Oh, no, no, Reggie can't hold an actual weapon.
And as a matter of fact, between you and I,
he's almost completely blind.
- What do you think is going on over there?
- I don't know.
Whoo! God...
why is that so satisfying? [laughs]
[sighs]
- [clears throat] - We're probably gonna have
a lot of inside jokes, aren't we?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What do you think our first one should be?
- I'm gonna go to the men's room.
- Me too! Look at this.
Our cycles are synching up already.
- Okay, that tree outside the window--
it's a sycamore tree.
- Great, now all we need to know
is where sycamore trees grow.
- Okay, sycamores--
they grow in the Southern parts of Missouri.
- Missouri.
- Large swaths of the Eastern Seaboard.
There's no sycamores on the West Coast.
- Okay... - Except for Washington state.
And there's a large group of them in Australia.
- We got nothing.
I don't get it. Where do we know her from?
- Which one goes where? - I don't know.
I couldn't find the reference photos.
- Did you check up your butt?
- No.
- [clears throat]
[paper sinks]
- You going yet? - No, still not yet.
- Oh. - You know, I--
I-I could probably meet you back in the office.
- Oh, I don't mind.
Hey, what do you think about
going to a baseball game with me this weekend?
- Yeah, that--I'd love that. - Yeah?
- Yeah. Of course, you know,
the other employees might think
that you're playing favorites, so...
- We don't have to tell them.
- Right, but then it gets, you know, even weirder,
because it's like-- now we're lying,
so it'd be--it'd be a whole thing, trust me.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
[sighs]
Boy, when you finally go,
it's really gonna be something, isn't it?
- [sighs] Yeah.
- Hey, Dina.
How are things going with Bo?
Uh, is he doing okay?
- Doing okay? He's a surv-head.
Sorry, surveillance head.
I forgot you weren't a surv-head.
- Oh. Okay.
Um, but is he, like, acting a little weird around you?
- You mean how he wants to have sex with me?
- Uh... - Listen, relax, okay?
I'm not interested. Not enough body hair.
He looks like a newborn mouse.
- Oh...okay, good.
- You should really have a little more trust in your man.
- Yeah.
You're right. I should trust him.
Thanks.
- And listen, if he masturbates to me on his lunch break,
that's his business, okay?
It's not my fault.
- Okay.
- So corporate sent me two tickets
to this weekend's Cardinals game,
so I'm gonna pick one employee to go with me...
completely at random.
So all your names are in here, and it's time to pick now.
- Is it Saturday or Sunday, 'cause I-I actually have--
- It doesn't matter, Sandra.
- I'm cremating my dog. - Jonah!
- You didn't even read it. - I glanced at it.
- I did not see you glance at it.
- Congratulations, Jonah! Yeah!
So, uh, if you, uh, see us on the jumbotron,
this is how that happened.
- You know what, I'm worried about traffic.
Maybe you guys should head down there early,
and make a day out of it. - Yeah.
- That's a great idea.
- Uh, yeah, you know what, uh, I am all booked up this weekend.
- Oh...
well, I didn't literally mean, like, this weekend.
I-I meant, like, um,
when this nearest weekend is over, then that weekend.
- Uh, oh, well, uh, this is frustrating.
I am booked up then too.
- I'll go. I love b-ball.
- Oh, yeah, that's what they call baseball.
- No, nobody else is going.
Jonah won, so Jonah's coming with me.
- No, Glenn, I did-- I didn't win.
I--somebody else should-- - No, you won.
- No, I didn't win--I clearly-- - Fair and square.
- But I can't do it, Glenn. - No, you--
I'm sure you can move stuff around.
- I'm completely booked up, and then I can't.
I can't go. - Winners go, losers don't go.
- Glenn, I don't wanna hang out with you.
- [exhales slowly]
- All right, looks I'm in.
Oh, one condition,
uh, if I catch a foul ball, I'm not giving it to a kid.
- I respect that.
.
[quirky music]
[knocking]
- Uh, Glenn, I just came by to-- to return this.
- Eugene? - Thank you.
Ahem, Glen? - Thanks.
I'll put this on my new assistant.
- Hey, so, listen,
I'm sorry I lied about wanting to hang out.
- [laughs] Your breath is warm.
- Uh, hey, Eugene, could-- could we maybe have a minute?
- Of course. - Thanks.
Glen, I, uh... [sighs]
I get that you felt weird
about me dating Kristen,
and--I don't know--I guess I just thought
if we spent some time together, maybe I could win you over.
- I get it.
It's tricky.
I mean, you're dating my daughter,
and I'm a strong alpha.
- No, yeah, yeah, exactly.
- But please, from now on, just be honest with me.
- Absolutely. You have my word.
- Okay.
Hey, did Kristen sleep over at your apartment last night?
- No, we met for breakfast at 4:00 a.m. at a gas station.
- Thanks, that's what I thought.
[laughs]
- Even if we never find out who she is,
isn't it nice to know that at least one person
who worked here didn't end up on drugs,
or in prison, or fused to a couch?
- Mm, the future is bright.
- Yep, I can smell the French press coffee now.
- Eh, why wait?
Don't we sell one of those French presses
here in the store?
What?
- She's a Cloud 9 model.
- Yep.
You still want to pick up the French press?
- Nope.
- You know, I do think I have seen that woman naked, though.
- Yeah, you think you've seen everyone naked.
- I can't believe I doubted him.
I mean, he's the father of my child.
- Do you think this is chocolate sauce or blood?
- Chocolate.
I mean, maybe something's wrong with me.
Maybe I can't trust the people in my life,
because of my relationship with my dad.
- Um, Cheyenne...
- [grunts] - [sighs]
- Yep, it is blood.
- Whoa. Oh, hey, boo.
[chuckles] - I can't believe you.
- What? No, no, no, it's not what you think, okay?
I was just gonna hide out here until the store closes,
and then I was gonna rob the place.
- That is what I thought you were doing!
- Wow, you know, I love how you know me so well.
- We could probably both get fired from you doing this.
Did you even realize how this would affect me?
- Yeah, I was doing this for you, okay?
So our wedding would be sick as hell.
It would have, like, peacocks and Flo Rida
and dope-ass peonies.
- I don't need all that.
- Really?
- Let's just have a nice, simple wedding,
and then we save up our money,
we can spend it on something important,
like one of those Jacuzzis with the purple lights,
or those gold teeth that you've always wanted.
- Damn, girl, you're too good for me.
- Totally.
[poignant music]
- Attention, y'all are bitch ass hoes.
I quit!
I'm keeping the vest. - Oh, no, you're not.
- No, no, okay, hold on, hold on.
Just let--let me get if off!
Putting it down, boss.
Oh! Just kidding! Suck it!
[imitates buzzer] Oh!
I quit. Did you hear that?
[phone rings]
- Glenn Sturgis's office?
Hi, Jeff, let me see if I can get him for you.
I have Jeff for you. - Thank you.
[beeps]
Hi, Jeff. - Hey, I have some bad news.
Uh, the headline is every branch
is gonna have to lay off 10% of its workforce.
So...um...
- [whispers] Should I go tell everybody?
- Glenn?