WEBVTT 1 00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:06,006 . 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:07,442 - Hey. 3 00:00:07,485 --> 00:00:08,791 For Emma's quinceañera, 4 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,271 am I supposed to just get her money, 5 00:00:10,314 --> 00:00:11,707 or if I wanted to add something extra, 6 00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:14,057 would she like a NutriBullet, 7 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,103 makeup, rosary beads, 8 00:00:16,146 --> 00:00:19,497 a T-shirt that says "Slay all day"? 9 00:00:19,541 --> 00:00:21,282 - She's gonna like whatever you get her. 10 00:00:21,325 --> 00:00:22,457 - I just want it to be good, you know? 11 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:24,067 I always feel like Emma doesn't like me. 12 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:25,590 - What? Why? 13 00:00:25,634 --> 00:00:27,853 - She always goes to her room whenever I come over. 14 00:00:27,897 --> 00:00:29,507 And there was the time she saw in the towel 15 00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,682 and it was never addressed. 16 00:00:30,726 --> 00:00:33,207 - Jonah, she's 15 years old. 17 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:36,427 If you're not Ariana Grande or Gritty, she's not into it. 18 00:00:36,471 --> 00:00:37,820 - Yeah, but I'm, like, the guy 19 00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:39,778 who stole her mom away from her dad. 20 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:41,693 - Yeah, no, you're right. It's true. 21 00:00:41,737 --> 00:00:45,436 I was in a happy, fulfilling, blissful marriage 22 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,699 that would have just gone on forever and ever 23 00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,311 if you hadn't swooped in and started whispering 24 00:00:50,354 --> 00:00:52,226 "This American Life" stories into my ear 25 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:53,227 until my panties dropped. 26 00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:54,619 - I'm just saying. 27 00:00:54,663 --> 00:00:57,187 I don't need to go if it's gonna make things weird. 28 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102 I mean, between Emma and Adam... 29 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,365 - It's not going to be weird. 30 00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:03,541 Calm down. I want you to be there. 31 00:01:03,585 --> 00:01:06,196 It would be weird if you weren't there. 32 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:07,545 - [sighs] You sure? 33 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:10,461 - Yes. - Okay. Okay. 34 00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,637 Has she ever brought up the towel thing? 35 00:01:12,681 --> 00:01:15,423 Because it was tied pretty low. 36 00:01:15,466 --> 00:01:17,120 - It's been discussed. 37 00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:20,123 [upbeat music] 38 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:21,864 ♪ 39 00:01:21,907 --> 00:01:25,215 [upbeat music] 40 00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:30,481 ♪ 41 00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:33,702 - Emma, hey! Happy quinceañera. 42 00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:36,139 - Thanks. - That dress is great. 43 00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:39,403 Somebody is ready for the red carpet. 44 00:01:39,447 --> 00:01:41,144 - Okay. 45 00:01:41,188 --> 00:01:42,450 - Hey, you two, could I get a photo? 46 00:01:42,493 --> 00:01:44,756 - Ah, oh, yeah. Sure. - All right. 47 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,628 Go ahead and smile. 48 00:01:46,671 --> 00:01:48,934 Ah, go ahead and actually get close together. 49 00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,849 - Oh, hey, Adam, how's it going, buddy? 50 00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547 - Hi. Hey. - All right. 51 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,201 Emma, what don't you take a little step forward? 52 00:01:54,244 --> 00:01:55,724 And, Dad, go ahead and throw your arms around her. 53 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:57,291 - Ew, he's not my Dad. - Yeah, I'm not... 54 00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,249 "Ew" seems strong. - I'm the father. 55 00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:00,946 - Yeah, I'm just the boyfriend. 56 00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:03,384 Oh, no, the mother's boyfriend. 57 00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,603 I'm not--I'm not her boy-- 58 00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,431 You know what? You should probably do this instead of me. 59 00:02:07,475 --> 00:02:09,651 - The father-daughter photo? Yeah, maybe. 60 00:02:09,694 --> 00:02:11,000 Probably should. 61 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,697 - Oh, wow, I'm gonna have to zoom out on that one. 62 00:02:12,741 --> 00:02:15,396 You're so much taller, right? - Thank you. 63 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:17,441 - There he is. Yeah, I like it. That's good. 64 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:19,791 - Yeah, you guys, you're both so--so beautiful. 65 00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:22,794 - Thank you. 66 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:25,623 - Oh, you guys, went all out. 67 00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,625 - Yeah, it was gonna be a little smaller, 68 00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:31,629 but then I--I got my promotion, and I was like, "o it up." 69 00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:32,848 - Bo really wanted to come, 70 00:02:32,891 --> 00:02:34,763 but one of his suits is at the dry cleaner's 71 00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:36,591 and the other one's haunted. 72 00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,854 - Okay. Yeah, those things happen. 73 00:02:38,897 --> 00:02:41,552 - Oh, and, Amy, Jerusha had to watch Rose, 74 00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:44,860 but there was no way that I was gonna miss this celebration 75 00:02:44,903 --> 00:02:47,645 of Emma's transition from girlhood to womanhood 76 00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,387 with cultural roots in Mesoamerica. 77 00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,868 - Thank you, Glenn. Did you spend some time on Wikipedia? 78 00:02:52,911 --> 00:02:55,305 - Yeah, I did. How? 79 00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,264 - Where's Emma? - She's over there. 80 00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:59,309 - Oh. - Aw. 81 00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:01,268 - Look at her, in her dress. 82 00:03:01,311 --> 00:03:02,878 I wore that dress to my quinceañera. 83 00:03:02,921 --> 00:03:04,793 I can't believe it. 84 00:03:04,836 --> 00:03:07,317 Just yesterday, she was this little baby, 85 00:03:07,361 --> 00:03:10,973 and now she's this grown woman. 86 00:03:11,974 --> 00:03:14,498 I'm so sorry. I have a lot of feelings today. 87 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,065 Excuse me. 88 00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,415 - I don't think I've ever seen Amy show emotion before. 89 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,243 - I know, it's so weird. 90 00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:22,419 It's like, I once saw my dentist yell at a stripper, 91 00:03:22,463 --> 00:03:26,336 and it was like, "Oh, you do have feelings." 92 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:29,731 - Amy doesn't cry often, but when she does, oh, boy. 93 00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:32,299 - What do you mean? - Oh, it's awful. 94 00:03:32,342 --> 00:03:34,301 It's like... [wails] 95 00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:37,391 No, it's, um... [whines] 96 00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,001 No, I can't do it. 97 00:03:39,044 --> 00:03:41,003 - I would really like to see that. 98 00:03:41,046 --> 00:03:42,961 - Me too. - Mm. 99 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:46,965 - ♪ I've never been afraid 100 00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:50,404 ♪ I've loved the life we've made ♪ 101 00:03:51,405 --> 00:03:53,407 - Why are you lurking in the corner? 102 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,322 - I'm not lurking. 103 00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,802 I'm standing silently in the shadows. 104 00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,282 Lurking works, yeah. 105 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,806 I'm just trying to stay out of everyone's way, you know? 106 00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:04,287 - Jonah, relax. It's a party. 107 00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,724 You should be mingling. Go talk to someone 108 00:04:06,768 --> 00:04:08,683 about how second season of "Patriot" gets better. 109 00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:09,727 - It doesn't. 110 00:04:09,771 --> 00:04:11,555 See? This is a great conversation. 111 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:12,904 Get out there. 112 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:16,299 Oh, Mom, Dad! Come! Come here! 113 00:04:16,343 --> 00:04:17,909 Just talk to them. - I--I'm fine... 114 00:04:17,953 --> 00:04:19,694 - You remember Jonah. 115 00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,827 - Hey, guys! Hey! - Nice to see you. 116 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,786 - Hi, Jonah. - It's been a while. Hi. 117 00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:26,614 Er, yeah, yeah. It's good to see you. 118 00:04:26,657 --> 00:04:29,051 Connie, I love that dress. 119 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:31,880 Somebody is ready for the red carpet. 120 00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:33,925 - Thank you. 121 00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,405 - [clears throat] You know, I think 122 00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:37,102 you're running low on ice. - I don't think we are. 123 00:04:37,146 --> 00:04:38,626 - Well, nobody ever thinks they're running low on ice 124 00:04:38,669 --> 00:04:40,715 until they're actually low on ice, and then it's too late, 125 00:04:40,758 --> 00:04:43,065 so I'm gonna go get some ice from outside. 126 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,372 Uh, excuse me. 127 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,767 - It's his first quinceañera. 128 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,726 - If everybody could take their seats, 129 00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,771 we're gonna begin the presentation of Emma 130 00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:55,730 and her court ofdamas y chambelanes 131 00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,602 in just a few minutes. 132 00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,343 - They're breasts! 133 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:03,346 - I wasn't--I was just-- - Uh-huh. 134 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:06,480 - It was a bold choice to wear a dress like that 135 00:05:06,523 --> 00:05:08,482 at a party full of a bunch of horny teens. 136 00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,092 You're really putting the ladies out there. 137 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,833 - Why should I have to police my body 138 00:05:11,876 --> 00:05:13,748 because the men of this world can't keep it in their pants? 139 00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,793 - I agree. - I mean, if Emma was Wiccan, 140 00:05:15,837 --> 00:05:16,925 we would be all naked right now, 141 00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:18,361 dancing around a fire pentacle 142 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,667 and grabbing each other's crotches. 143 00:05:19,710 --> 00:05:21,146 - It really sounds like you've done that before. 144 00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:22,844 - A couple of times. 145 00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:26,804 - ♪ Didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? ♪ 146 00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:31,853 ♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? ♪ 147 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:33,507 ♪ Feelin' all alone without a friend... ♪ 148 00:05:33,550 --> 00:05:37,380 - And put your hands together for Marco and Daniela. 149 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,165 [cheers and applause] 150 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,907 [upbeat percussive music] 151 00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:45,954 All right, and now, everybody, on your feet. 152 00:05:45,997 --> 00:05:47,782 It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you 153 00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:51,655 thequinceañera herself, Emma Dubanowski! 154 00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,396 [cheers and applause] 155 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,180 - ♪ I wanna see you when I turn around... ♪ 156 00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:57,966 - Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you guys were-- 157 00:05:58,009 --> 00:05:59,620 I'm so sorry. - Oh, watch out. 158 00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:02,013 - Oh, so sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, I was getting ice. 159 00:06:02,057 --> 00:06:04,015 - We can see that, big guy. Just get out of the way. 160 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:07,018 - Okay, I'm sorry. I'm-- [all gasp] 161 00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:08,150 Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. 162 00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,108 If you guys-- just--just back up. 163 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,415 I don't want anybody to slip. It's--it's slippery. 164 00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:14,591 - It's good to see Jonah again. 165 00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:15,940 I'm glad that's happening for you. 166 00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,681 - Thank you. - You know what? 167 00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:19,030 we're gonna take a break and clear the floor, 168 00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:20,292 so everyone just chill 169 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:21,990 and we'll take it again from the top. 170 00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:25,472 - Okay, again, very sorry. 171 00:06:25,515 --> 00:06:26,908 If you need anything, I'm just gonna-- 172 00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,257 you don't need anything. You guys are good. 173 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:32,043 I'm...okay. I'm gonna stop talking right now. 174 00:06:32,087 --> 00:06:35,220 - So, uh, I'm gonna write down my email. 175 00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,049 If you could send me a copy of this video, 176 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,703 that would be great. 177 00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:43,577 It could be any file, any size. I don't care. 178 00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:46,406 . 179 00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,103 - Come on, it wasn't that bad. 180 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,365 If anything, you did her a favor. 181 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,193 How many girls get to do their entrance twice? 182 00:06:51,236 --> 00:06:54,501 - One of the kids said, "Smooth move, dick." 183 00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,328 Like, just so uncalled for. 184 00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:59,462 - I'm sure most of them didn't even notice. 185 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,986 Look at them. Hey! 186 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:05,033 Hey! Hey! 187 00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,600 Hello? 188 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,384 Oh, my God. 189 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,255 - Look, I just want you to know 190 00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:12,127 that nothing happened between Jonah and Amy 191 00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:13,476 while you guys were together. 192 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,043 I mean, sure they kissed during the tornado, 193 00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:16,174 but I'm pretty sure that was it. 194 00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,654 - well, thanks for letting me know that. 195 00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:20,004 - Yeah. But then, of course, there was the sex tape 196 00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:22,006 that happened at work. 197 00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:26,402 If it helps, we found out later, Amy didn't finish. 198 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,535 Jonah did, though, so... 199 00:07:28,578 --> 00:07:31,494 Sorry about that. - Buddy, cut it out. 200 00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,714 - Cut what out? - Dude, look, 201 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,455 I was your age once. I was obsessed with breasts. 202 00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,152 I'm still a fan, but she's my friend, 203 00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,675 so stop staring at her. 204 00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:41,939 - I wasn't. I don't care about some lady's fake boobs. 205 00:07:41,983 --> 00:07:43,158 - [chuckles] Okay, all right. 206 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,725 Well, they're real, but whatever. 207 00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,466 - They're totally fake. 208 00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,206 You can tell when they're too round like that. 209 00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:50,078 - Dude, don't act like you know about breasts. 210 00:07:50,121 --> 00:07:51,558 I dated her. they're real. 211 00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,385 - You dated her? 212 00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,561 So you've, like, seen them? 213 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,519 Yeah. When adults date each other, 214 00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,086 they show each other their boobs. 215 00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,088 - What are they like? Are they awesome? 216 00:08:00,131 --> 00:08:04,527 - Buddy, I'm not telling you about that. 217 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,573 But the right one's a little perkier than the left one, 218 00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:09,227 but not in like a weird Picasso kind of way, 219 00:08:09,271 --> 00:08:11,621 and they're sort of spread out, but not like Admiral Ackbar. 220 00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,057 It's like they're-- 221 00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:15,190 [sighs] You know what? 222 00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:17,322 I'll just draw 'em for ya. Come on. 223 00:08:19,281 --> 00:08:21,631 - And on this day of your quinceañera, 224 00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:25,983 I wanted to get you something muy especial,so... 225 00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:28,333 both: Holy [bleep]. 226 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:31,249 - It's the traditional last doll, 227 00:08:31,293 --> 00:08:32,599 última muñeca. 228 00:08:32,642 --> 00:08:35,297 Jerusha and I worked really hard on this. 229 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,385 Do you like it? 230 00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,430 - Yes, mm-hmm. Just say thank you. 231 00:08:38,474 --> 00:08:40,476 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 232 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,565 Oh, if you're wondering why the hair looks so real? 233 00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,088 Because it is. 234 00:08:44,132 --> 00:08:47,004 Yeah, Jerusha got her hair caught in the garbage disposal, 235 00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:50,051 so, you know, we saved it for you. 236 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:52,532 - Thank you. 237 00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:55,447 Put her away. 238 00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,449 Keep her safe. - Yeah. 239 00:08:57,493 --> 00:09:00,322 [Terrell Burt's "Come and Dance" playing] 240 00:09:00,365 --> 00:09:06,154 ♪ 241 00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:08,373 - Emma, if I could give you any advice, 242 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:10,288 it would be, never give your virtue away. 243 00:09:10,332 --> 00:09:13,291 Hold it, protect it until you meet 244 00:09:13,335 --> 00:09:15,163 that special man that you will call husband. 245 00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,556 - This is, like, the fifth speech in a row 246 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:17,774 about Emma's virginity. 247 00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,080 It's weird. - I know. 248 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:22,300 It's like, who hasn't lost their virginity by 15? 249 00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:24,389 - Studies show that pushing abstinence on kids 250 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,826 actually makes them want to have sex more. 251 00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,610 Or it encourages them to try butt stuff, 252 00:09:27,654 --> 00:09:29,569 which, hey, God bless. 253 00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:33,529 - So it kind of curves up here to décolletage. 254 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,617 That's a crumb. 255 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,185 That's not, like, a third nipple. 256 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:40,101 Then over here, there's sort of a quick little dip, 257 00:09:40,144 --> 00:09:42,538 like that first drop in Batman: The Ride. 258 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,193 And I know it seems like I'm spending a lot of time 259 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:49,240 on the sternum, but it's really all about that negative space. 260 00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,199 - Because losing the precious gift of chastity 261 00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:53,157 would be the biggest mistake of your life, 262 00:09:53,201 --> 00:09:55,116 almost as big a mistake as when this guy 263 00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:56,378 ruined your big entrance. 264 00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,598 [laughter] 265 00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,208 - [chuckles weakly] 266 00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:02,340 From before, yeah. Zing. 267 00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:08,520 - ♪ Fire, baby 268 00:10:08,564 --> 00:10:12,089 - Because, as we all know, 269 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:16,572 the unopened chips always stays the freshest. 270 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,226 [applause] Thank you. 271 00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,662 Ah, who's next? 272 00:10:19,706 --> 00:10:21,533 - Oh, God, no. Pass. 273 00:10:21,577 --> 00:10:23,666 - Ouch, so cold. 274 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,843 - I don't--I don't mean pass like I-I-I don't care. 275 00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,237 I just--uh... 276 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:30,717 I--sorry, when I-- 277 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,240 when I said, "Pass," 278 00:10:32,283 --> 00:10:33,763 I just meant, like, I don't want to say anything. 279 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:37,419 Not--sorry, not because I don't like Emma. 280 00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:40,727 It's just, it feels silly for me to be giving a speech 281 00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:43,860 when I'm not even a part of the family yet. 282 00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,253 - Oh! - No, no, no, no, no, no. 283 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,689 That doesn't-- that's not a--no. 284 00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:47,908 Don't read into the word "yet," no. 285 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,170 Believe me, we're-- [chuckles] 286 00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,911 we're not getting married, okay? 287 00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,347 I mean, I don't mean that we're never-- 288 00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,653 we're never gonna get married. 289 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:55,306 [stumbling] I mean, we haven't even 290 00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:57,265 talked about it, right? 291 00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,180 You know what? I should probably 292 00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:00,747 just stick with the standard script 293 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,445 and say, um, congrats, Emma, 294 00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:07,667 and I guess stay a virgin or don't--or don't. 295 00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:10,887 You know, that's-- your sexuality is your own. 296 00:11:10,931 --> 00:11:12,236 - Okay. - Thank you. 297 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:16,806 - Thank you for those kind words, Jonah. 298 00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,634 - Here. - Just... 299 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:22,246 But, uh, we got some more partying to do, folks. 300 00:11:22,290 --> 00:11:25,423 I budgeted six shrimp per person, so go to town. 301 00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:27,556 And if there aren't any more toasts-- 302 00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:30,385 - Actually, Amy, uh, I just wanted to say a few words 303 00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:31,778 on the topic of female pleasure... 304 00:11:31,821 --> 00:11:33,518 [feedback squeals] 305 00:11:33,562 --> 00:11:36,521 - Oops, it's-- it's broken. 306 00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:39,002 . 307 00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:42,092 - Hi. 308 00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:45,835 How are you doing? 309 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:48,185 - Fantastic. Life of the party. 310 00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:51,014 - [yawns] 311 00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:53,147 Man, I am so tired. 312 00:11:53,190 --> 00:11:55,323 I really wish I could go home now. 313 00:11:55,366 --> 00:11:57,107 You can, though, if you wanted to. 314 00:11:57,151 --> 00:11:59,806 You know, if you're-- if you're feeling beat. 315 00:11:59,849 --> 00:12:01,372 - I mean, it's only 8:30. 316 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:05,289 - Oh, okay, only 8:30, Mr. Party All Night. 317 00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:07,074 I wish I could be in bed with a good book. 318 00:12:07,117 --> 00:12:08,771 Doesn't that sound great? 319 00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:11,208 - You've literally never read in bed. 320 00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:13,863 You play "Candy Crush" until you're snoring. 321 00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:16,387 - Ha! Yeah, that's true. I love that game. 322 00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:20,000 - Maybe I should take off. - No, no. 323 00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,784 That's--that's not what I want. 324 00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:26,093 I-I want you be here, just not so noticeably. 325 00:12:26,136 --> 00:12:29,357 - That's what I want. - Fingers crossed. 326 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,228 [upbeat dance music] 327 00:12:31,272 --> 00:12:32,795 - Excuse me. 328 00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,797 Were you the one who drew these breasts for my child? 329 00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:36,930 - What? No. What? Who's your son? 330 00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:38,148 - In the future, I'd appreciate 331 00:12:38,192 --> 00:12:40,324 if you didn't give pornography to my child. 332 00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:42,587 - Mm-hmm. - He's a child. 333 00:12:42,631 --> 00:12:44,198 - Got it, child. 334 00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:45,503 - Those are my breasts. 335 00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:49,246 - What? No. I drew those from scratch. 336 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,813 - I think I'd recognize my own breasts. 337 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,423 I have over 40 mirrors in my house. 338 00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:54,469 - Okay, fine, yeah, they're your breasts, 339 00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:56,253 but it was just that this nerd kid 340 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:58,386 said that they were fake, and I was like, "No, they're not." 341 00:12:58,429 --> 00:12:59,822 And he's like, "Yes, they are," so I-- 342 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,432 - This is a really impressive level of detail. 343 00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:02,825 Did you just do this from memory? 344 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:03,870 - Yeah. 345 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,915 - Wow. I guess I didn't realize 346 00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:07,003 how obsessed you are with me. 347 00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,439 - What? 348 00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:10,050 - Well, it's almost sad. 349 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,921 Poor Garrett, pining after a woman 350 00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:13,488 who barely knows he's alive. 351 00:13:13,531 --> 00:13:15,533 - No, I think you are reading way too much into a drawing. 352 00:13:15,577 --> 00:13:17,100 I draw Garfield too. 353 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:20,495 I don't want to have sex with Garfield. I'm not Jon. 354 00:13:20,538 --> 00:13:23,498 Stop! - [laughs] 355 00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:26,066 - Emma is the spitting image of you by the way. 356 00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:30,200 - Oh, I know. I'm trying not to cry. 357 00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:32,942 - Yesterday she was this little girl in pigtails 358 00:13:32,986 --> 00:13:34,074 running around the house, 359 00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:36,990 and now she's this smart, confident, 360 00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,208 beautiful young woman. 361 00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:40,558 You must be so proud. 362 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,256 - I am. 363 00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:45,868 - And pretty soon, you're gonna be at her graduation 364 00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:50,003 and then her wedding, then her funeral. 365 00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,134 - What? 366 00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:54,268 - I mean, you know, someday. Not now. 367 00:13:54,311 --> 00:13:56,400 She's not gonna live forever. 368 00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:58,881 Hopefully you'll die first. 369 00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:01,275 - Okay. 370 00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,625 I'm gonna go, um, 371 00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:07,281 mingle with some other-- over there. 372 00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,587 - She didn't mean it. 373 00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:12,895 Oh. - Wow, she is a robot. 374 00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:16,159 - [speaking Spanish] 375 00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,424 - Hey, have you tried these? 376 00:14:20,468 --> 00:14:23,514 These are called pastelitos de perro. 377 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,213 It's a traditional Honduran food. 378 00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,997 - Those are pizza rolls. 379 00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,520 - Oh. 380 00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,392 - The Honduran food is here. 381 00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,350 - Oh, well, that's what I want. 382 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:35,526 I'm not some boring gringo, you know. 383 00:14:35,570 --> 00:14:38,007 Well, give that spice. Show me the mole. 384 00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:41,097 - Oh, that's it. [laughs] 385 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,185 - [coughs] 386 00:14:42,229 --> 00:14:44,231 [gulps] 387 00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:49,584 both: ♪ Did you ever know that you're my hero? ♪ 388 00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:52,195 - You're Emma's hero, Amy. - You really are. 389 00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:56,678 both: ♪ Everything I would like to be ♪ 390 00:14:56,721 --> 00:15:00,029 - You're her role model. - She's your only daughter. 391 00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:05,121 both: ♪ I can fly higher than an eagle ♪ 392 00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:07,297 - Leaving the nest so soon. - Never coming back. 393 00:15:07,341 --> 00:15:12,346 both: ♪ You are the wind beneath Emma's ♪ 394 00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:19,396 ♪ Wings 395 00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:24,967 - Thank you, guys. Very cool. Thank you. 396 00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,970 [applause] 397 00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,972 - Do you have the dead grandma song from "Coco"? 398 00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,496 - No, no, maybe we should get back to the dancing. 399 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:33,845 - I think you're gonna wanna hear this. 400 00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,238 - You're gonna wanna hear this, definitely. 401 00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,240 - Like at night, when you fantasize about me, 402 00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:40,200 do you think of a specific incident of us having sex, 403 00:15:40,243 --> 00:15:42,245 or is it more just picturing me there in the moment? 404 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:45,118 - Please stop. - All right. 405 00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,381 If you're not obsessed with me, then I guess you won't care 406 00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:48,991 if I ask McLovin over there to dance. 407 00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,385 - Be my guest. - Okay, I will. 408 00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,300 Hey, acne...[snaps fingers] Let's dance. 409 00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:56,564 - Me? Yeah. Sure. We did ballroom in gym one time. 410 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:58,653 - Oh, good. 411 00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:02,265 - ♪ Party like a movie star 412 00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:04,528 - Hey. 413 00:16:04,572 --> 00:16:06,269 - Hey. 414 00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,618 - Everything all right? 415 00:16:07,662 --> 00:16:08,619 - [sighs] 416 00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:11,753 - Yeah, I hear ya. 417 00:16:11,796 --> 00:16:14,364 Look, I'm sorry about all the--you know, the ice 418 00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:18,064 and the speech, the towel incident. 419 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:20,327 I really didn't think that you were home. 420 00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:25,114 Here's the thing: I... 421 00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,596 I really like your Mom and I know she loves you 422 00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:31,468 and then I get all in my head about wanting you to like me. 423 00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:33,383 And then-- 424 00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,820 - I am so high. 425 00:16:35,864 --> 00:16:38,432 - What? - I'm freaking out. 426 00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,260 - Oh. 427 00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:42,740 - ♪ Party up, live it up with me, baby ♪ 428 00:16:44,612 --> 00:16:44,786 . 429 00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:47,702 [upbeat pop music] 430 00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:54,752 ♪ 431 00:16:55,840 --> 00:16:58,060 - My cousin Marco brought a vape pen, 432 00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:00,106 and, at first, I didn't feel anything 433 00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:01,716 and so I did some more 434 00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,935 and then I wasn't even sure if there was anything in it 435 00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,459 because Marco is a liar 436 00:17:05,502 --> 00:17:07,809 and now I am very feeling something a lot. 437 00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:10,681 - Okay, okay, it's--it's--it's gonna be okay. 438 00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,683 - I feel like my heart's filling with blood. 439 00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,772 - Then it's doing its job. 440 00:17:14,816 --> 00:17:16,035 Listen, you know what I'm gonna do? 441 00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,079 I'm gonna get your Mom-- 442 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:18,907 - No, no, you can't tell my parents. 443 00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:21,562 - Right. Right. Right. Okay. Okay. 444 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:25,696 Well, then we're just gonna sit here and ride it out. 445 00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:29,048 - Hey, can I sit with my little princess? 446 00:17:29,091 --> 00:17:30,701 - Nah, we're good. 447 00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,442 - I'd like to sit with my granddaughter-- 448 00:17:32,486 --> 00:17:34,053 - Connie, please! 449 00:17:39,188 --> 00:17:41,930 - The kid says he thinks I'm hotter than Tia Carrere. 450 00:17:41,973 --> 00:17:43,888 - Well, no, I-- - Yeah, yeah. 451 00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,455 He's super into me! 452 00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,805 - Okay, cool. 453 00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:50,156 - What is she doing? 454 00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:52,158 - She's trying to seduce a 15-year-old kid 455 00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:54,769 in order to make me jealous. 456 00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:56,858 - Is it working? - Not really. 457 00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:58,773 - This is a really nice party. 458 00:17:58,816 --> 00:17:59,861 You know, this whole tent 459 00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,168 and the DJ and the centerpieces-- 460 00:18:02,211 --> 00:18:04,953 you went--I mean, you went for it. 461 00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:06,737 - Yeah, yeah, I did, thank you. 462 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:10,045 It was really nice to be able to this for her. 463 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,090 - Yeah. 464 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,004 And when it's time for her wedding, 465 00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:16,095 I will--I will handle the lion's share. 466 00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,879 - Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it. 467 00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:19,620 It's good. I got it covered. 468 00:18:19,663 --> 00:18:23,014 - I actually just bought some stock in a drone company, 469 00:18:23,058 --> 00:18:25,800 so it's gonna even out pretty quick. 470 00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:28,150 - Sounds promising. 471 00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,805 - Those things are gonna be everywhere, 472 00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:34,025 flying. 473 00:18:34,069 --> 00:18:36,637 - This is my first quinceañera! 474 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,075 I love your Latinx traditions. 475 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,250 Huh? How am I doing? 476 00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:42,817 - All right, 477 00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,558 I'd like to ask everybody to please clear the floor. 478 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,255 It's now time for the father-daughter dance. 479 00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:48,170 - Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. 480 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,345 - No, no, no. No, no, no, no. 481 00:18:49,389 --> 00:18:51,173 It's gonna be fine. - He's gonna know. 482 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,654 He's gonna know. - No, he's not gonna know. 483 00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:56,004 You can do this. 484 00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,266 - Okay. Okay. 485 00:18:57,310 --> 00:18:59,834 - Gonna be great. 486 00:18:59,877 --> 00:19:01,183 [gentle piano music] 487 00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,967 - [whimpers] 488 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:07,668 ♪ 489 00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,801 Okay, maybe just try to walk normal. 490 00:19:10,845 --> 00:19:12,238 - Is this not normal? 491 00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:14,240 - No, no, no, no, no, no, this is--this is great. 492 00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,677 This is how people walk. You got it. 493 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,679 - ♪ How to be brave 494 00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:21,072 - She looks nervous. - It's fine. 495 00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:23,684 - ♪ When I'm afraid? 496 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:25,642 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 497 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,166 - You know what? Sorry. 498 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:29,733 Uh, I think, actually, we're gonna try and squeeze one in, 499 00:19:29,777 --> 00:19:31,648 uh, before the father-daughter. 500 00:19:31,692 --> 00:19:32,780 - What? 501 00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,869 And this is the song we practiced to. 502 00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:37,698 - Yeah, uh, well, we can play it again for you. 503 00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:40,570 You know, I'm sure the DJ has a repeat button on the thing. 504 00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,006 - What? - Jonah. 505 00:19:42,050 --> 00:19:44,183 - Hmm? - You need to sit down. 506 00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:47,664 - No, no, not until this song is over, at least, 507 00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:51,233 and maybe--maybe just a few more after that, you know? 508 00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:53,714 - You're makin' it weird, dog. Just let her go. 509 00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,106 - Let her go! 510 00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,196 - Not--not gonna happen, Connie. 511 00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,676 - ♪ I have loved you for... 512 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:02,157 - So this has one terabyte on it. 513 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,246 If you could just put all the raw footage on there. 514 00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,205 You don't have to edit it. I'll take care of that. 515 00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:10,209 - This is fun. 516 00:20:16,954 --> 00:20:20,349 - I know. I'm sorry. I ruined the quinceañera. 517 00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:22,917 I made it weird. I-I-I don't know why I-- 518 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,919 - She was high. 519 00:20:24,962 --> 00:20:26,660 She told me. 520 00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:27,791 - Ah. 521 00:20:27,835 --> 00:20:31,273 - That was a very nice thing you did. 522 00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:33,232 But, uh, for future reference, 523 00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:36,278 the next time my child is on drugs, tell me. 524 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:37,932 - Got it. 525 00:20:37,975 --> 00:20:40,413 I did see Parker snorting cocaine 526 00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,415 off his "Paw Patrol" table last week. 527 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:43,894 - Oh, yeah, no, I knew about that one. 528 00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:47,202 - Hey, Amy, you've gotta see this video of a deaf kid 529 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,160 hearing his mother's voice for the first time. 530 00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,945 - Um, I'm okay, thank you. 531 00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,947 - It's really moving, though. 532 00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,296 - Just not--not right now. 533 00:20:56,820 --> 00:20:58,213 Ow! 534 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,347 Ow! What the hell, Cheyenne? 535 00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,871 - Um, uh, I'm sorry. 536 00:21:03,914 --> 00:21:06,047 I was just trying something. It didn't work, okay. 537 00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,831 Sorry, night, okay. 538 00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:13,184 - You really should've kick her back.