This programme contains strong language, full frontal nudity and adult humour
Leo! You haven't seen Leo in ages, have you? Leo!
Hello. Hello! Hiya.
Oh, my God, he's so fluffy!
Give him his treat. Leo. Leo, what have I got?
He is massive. What have I got? Sit.
Do you know when he's wet, does he... Good boy.
Hiya, son! He is massive.
# In a perfect world... #
No! Here we go. They've got him.
What you doing? It's a chicken nugget.
Isn't it embarrassing, Merlin?
Oh, kiss. Oh, that's a bit forward.
This is raunchy, innit?
Bring out the Dilfs!
Who's in for the finger this week?
It's so bad it's actually good. It's actually good.
What just happened? Siri, call Ofcom.
In the week we bid a fond farewell to the voice of Darth Vader,
James Earl Jones, we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Celebrities were racing around South America on BBC One.
This is a small price to pay
just to see the smile again on a day where there hasn't been
that much of that.
Do you know Scott Mills is in his 50s? Is he?
Ooh. I hope I'm as cool as Scott Mills when I'm in my 50s.
You're not as cool as Scott Mills now!
More fast-track fiances were getting it together on Discovery Plus.
I'm sorry. That's OK.
Some people might think that I'm an over packer,
but I need everything that I've packed.
No, when I go on holiday, right, if I'm going for a week,
I need six pairs of undies, six pairs of shorts
and a couple of tops. That's it.
You're a pig.
Toothbrush, nah. I'm on my holidays.
That's why you buy chewing gum over there!
By a multipack of chewing gum!
I'm on holiday, I'm not going to brush my teeth!
And true feelings were being exposed on Paramount Plus.
They are taking their search for love to a whole new level...
..by baring all.
If everyone's naked, I think they will be a lot more vulnerable.
The only variation on a dating show they haven't tried, Mary,
is removing the sexual organs altogether, surgically,
and that's something that we can look forward to perhaps next year.
In Leeds...
Hiya, are you all right?
Yes, I'm good.
I'm just ringing you, Auntie Janet, because I text our Lou
and asked her and she thinks she's seen you with one.
I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and I want a royal blue fascinator.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
I don't know if it's royal blue, I'll go and have a look.
As long as it's not navy.
As long as it's not really navy.
It's got a couple of different blues in it. Send me a picture, won't you?
I've sent you it now.
All right, speak to you soon.
Ta-ra, bye-bye.
What a lej. What a lej.
You can count on anti-Janet to have a clutch bag.
She's a few fascinators so I reckon that she'll have at least one
to go with that, won't she?
She's a fascinator for every occasion has Auntie Janet, hasn't she?
She's a bugger for a fascinator. She is a bugger for a fascinator.
On Wednesday night, it was maps at the ready again as BBC One's
race for the fastest famous face was well under way.
Do you know, you are mean to me.
I could end up in bloody Old Royal with you.
They're certainly getting their steps in on this, aren't they?
That's true.
When I done my geography exam in year 11,
my map was upside down the full exam.
Then the teacher would come up to us
and says, "You do know your map's been upside down the whole time?"
I says, "No, you could have told us."
She says, "I can't, it's an exam.
The Rio Parana.
South America's second longest river
and sitting on the banks of its Argentinian Delta
is the city of Tigre.
Tigre, Jane. Tigre.
Here, the fourth checkpoint.
Oh, it'll be full of...mozzies and everything, won't it? Floaters.
Having set the pace in earlier legs,
Jeff and Freddy are almost 11 hours behind.
God, what did they do? Sleep in?
That's half a full day.
Your fifth checkpoint is Tilcara. OK.
Where is that?
It's in Argentina.
I'd love to go to Argentina. Same. Shall we go? Absolutely.
Driver tells us he can bring you to Frias.
Yeah, where is Frias?
I don't know if you see... I think it's on the way, or here.
Forward, I like that.
It's not even on the map, he doesn't even know where it is. Lovely.
I don't know if Jeff's making the right decision here.
I don't know. You know what, Jeff? Do you. Do you, brother.
He's limiting his options.
There's always going to be an element of risk.
It's not something I'm particularly good at, but we've come in fourth,
we are racing after all.
Yeah, let's do it.
Make it. Don't go.
Oh, they're going for Frias.
Jeff Brazier, would you? Yeah, I would, yeah.
A bus station with no buses.
There is nothing there, Jenny. Nothing there.
Wicked. Whoops. It's almost like I saw it coming.
I don't even want to say it.
It's not looking good.
This could be really disappointing.
The risk hasn't paid off, has it?
That's why it's not on the map, boys.
OK. Frias. Tilcara.
No direct. Perfect.
Right, Fred. I've put us in this little corner.
Nobody puts Freddy in the corner.
So apologies for that.
So Dad's taking ownership, yeah.
Dad, we're a team. You ain't let me down.
Look at him there, flashing the cash. Get that in your bum bag!
This is one of the most useless feelings I've had this whole trip.
Come on, think positive.
But at least they're still on the move.
Safe. I kept saying, I have always been safe.
I like a bus with curtains.
Double-decker coach with curtains, I'd love a go on that.
I've never been on a double-decker coach.
I'd love to set top deck on a double-decker coach. With curtains.
With curtains.
2,500m above sea level, the fifth checkpoint.
The tiny mountain town of Tilcara.
Right, so this is the checkpoint place now.
After traversing almost half the length of Argentina,
all teams are neck and neck.
They've caught up by 11 hours! They are all neck and neck.
Bloody hell. Ready, son. Let's do it.
Grab the tins. Get your stuff and get running.
Go to the market and find the Trinity.
You'd sniff out a market, you would.
Oh, I would. I'd be first there.
I'm good at charity shops and all.
It's this way because everyone else has gone this way so let's go.
They're all running now.
You'd start tripping people up at this point, wouldn't you?
That looks like a market right in front of us.
Market's just there.
Mercado!
Mercado, supermercado is market.
There they are, there they are!
What have you got to do now, then?
Go right behind the church. Church!
And find Las Marias hotel.
Go right behind the church, Las Marias hotel.
Church? Church.
Oh, we've got sign language here.
God! Church!
Surely you just do that, innit.
Surely you do that.
You see the blue badge, that's where we are heading.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
What's he done? They've seen Freddy.
Fred, pace it, mate.
Freddy is legging it.
Oh, mind the car!
Just get taken out by a car!
Come on, Fred.
Come on, Fred. Come on, Fred.
Keep going, you can do it.
Come on!
Come on, come on.
Come on!
But are they first? They don't know until they open the book.
Who's first?
They were first!
Look at him. Wouldn't you?
Well done, then.
Wow, seven minutes in it.
They are second!
Come on, lads. That's epic.
Well done, boys, nothing to be ashamed of.
Second, after an 11 hour deficit.
Very, very well done.
He's taken a risk... And it hasn't backfired.
..and it hasn't backfired.
And I like that.
Love to see that, very rare that happens.
He's a nice guy. He's one of the good guys, isn't he, Jeff? He is.
Because he goes out and gives good news.
So it's nice when somebody goes out and gives good news,
although he hasn't given me ever good news on Postcode Lottery,
I'm going to be honest.
No. Well, I tell you what, bloody Postcode Lottery,
they say you've won a tenner, they charge fucking 12 quid to enter.
There you go.
Still two quid down! Yeah.
In Derby...
How's the swimming going? Are you still going? Yeah, I'm still going.
..the Siddiquis.
I went the other day and my bag felt kind of light. Oh, no.
So I did my swimming session, I went back into the changing room,
put my briefs on and my T-shirt on and realised I didn't have
any shorts or trousers. So I had to sheepishly get out
of the swimming baths without anybody seeing me in my briefs
and my T-shirt. I had to get in my car, drive home,
park on the drive and quickly run out of the car into my house
in just my pants and T-shirt.
On Saturday, some news from space was making the headlines on the BBC.
The news is really the only thing that keeps my brain
from going stagnant. I don't read a paper.
Well, I can't justify spending 80-odd p.
I remember... 80-odd, they are about 150 now! Fuck off.
You're about to see the moment when Boeing's Starliner spacecraft
left the International Space Station today to return to earth,
but it returned empty.
Oh, shit.
Without the two astronauts who were meant to be on board.
Eh? What?
Buggered off without them.
What's happened to them, then? Where are they?
This is what happens when you book cheap flights.
Yeah. Let you down!
The return is not always guaranteed.
A technical fault means the pair must now remain on the space station
until at least February.
February! February next year!
Well it ain't going to be this year, is it?
They're going to spend Christmas in space.
I don't think Santa goes that far.
Boeing's Starliner capsule, on its way home,
beginning its six hour voyage.
Let's be fair, they could have been home in six hours, couldn't they?
It's not as far as fucking Blackpool, is it?
Nasa's Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore will now stay
on the International Space Station.
Do you know what? One word springs to mind. Claustrophobic.
Can you imagine me and you in a small space? No, I can't.
We'd murder each other.
There'd only be one of us coming back. The fitter.
And that'd be me!
In the night sky of New Mexico, a first glimpse of the capsule.
Three good parachutes, looking great.
It's descent is slowed as it closes in.
Touchdown, Starliner is back on earth.
Right, let's get something straight here.
The original thing what they went up in, that's back down on the ground.
Broken. They couldn't get in, it wasn't safe.
So what are they in? Space station.
Like an airport, let's say. In the air.
From a human perspective, all of us feel...
..uh, happy about the successful landing.
A success! How can that be a success!?
There's supposed to be two astronauts on it.
But then there's a piece of us,
all of us, that we wish it would have been the way we had planned it.
What was the problem with it, then? I don't know.
I mean, it's come back all right.
I don't know, Ann.
So, what's the problem? I don't know, Ann.
If my mam got stuck in space, I'd be so worried.
Well, this is it.
She's never going to go into a spaceship like that ever.
Does your mam want to, like?
No, but I'm just saying, if she ever did, I'm going to tell her no.
It's silly.
I can't cope with her getting stuck in space.
In Surrey...
What have you got on your arm?
My Swiftie bangles.
What do they say?
Superstar. Gorgeous. Change. And Fearless.
They're all her songs.
..Simon and his sister Jane.
So, should I wear Swiftie bangles, then?
What do you mean?
It's a nice try, Jane, but tell me five of her songs.
Fearless. Superstar...
Oh, that's cheating! ..Change.
On Monday night,
the boys in blue were catching criminals on Channel 5.
Police Interceptors. This is joke.
I think what it is, when they shout, that makes it more scary, you know?
Like, "Get on the floor! Get on the floor!"
As soon as a police car goes behind you, you do think, is it taxed,
is MOTed, is it insured? Yeah. Have I been drinking?
I better get off the phone. Yeah.
It's nearly lunchtime and the 999 call's reported a possible
drug deal in Northampton town centre.
Hold on, Jane, here we go.
Oh, brilliant, lunchtime drug deal.
Lewis Marks is one of a team of cops who are busy surrounding the area.
Oh, they're going to do a stakeout, Ron.
It's all quiet on the North Hants front until...
Oh, here we go.
Oh, he's off, he's off.
Let's go, let's go.
..word comes in that the suspect's clocked the cops and legged it.
Ooh, I don't think I can watch this footage, Mary.
Their guy has reached the park and has two advantages over Lewis.
Oh, right. What's the advantage?
A massive head start...
..and a bike.
And a bike! And a bike.
Let me borrow your bike, let me borrow your bike.
BOTH: Let me borrow your bike?
Like buggery are you borrowing my bike,
it was 195 quid from Halfords, this.
Built. "Built!"
Up there, up there.
Oh, he's off. Oh, here we go.
Lewis is burning rubber in pursuit.
Come on PC Lewis.
Come on, pet, you can get him.
Pedal hell for leather.
The cavalier copper...
..is making ground on his phone.
Oh, he is catching up. Go on, lad.
Come on, Lewis, use them legs faster.
Drop a gear, disappear.
..who's now out of the park on an adjacent pavement...
Oh, he's there, look.
Is at the baddie? Yeah.
My guy's chill, he was on the phone and everything.
I just got away. Yeah, these feds think they can get me.
..unaware of the mounted cavalry man galloping from the trees nearby.
There's the copper.
He's unaware of the mounted cavalry man! Oh, my God.
As he nears the park exit,
Lewis is on a collision course for the oblivious dealer.
SHE GASPS He's on a collision course,
they're going to bash into one another now.
Across the road and bang on target.
Oh, he's there! Oh, he's there!
BOTH: Oh!
Bang! Yeah! Let's have it!
Oh, my God. Fucking rammed into him.
He's just ghosted that bike into the deep. It's not even his bike.
Hands behind your back! Hand behind your back!
Take That, you drug dealer!
That's a proper intercept, isn't it?
Just going to get this back to the bloke I borrowed it from, all right?
Oh, he's taken it back to the guy.
Aw, isn't he good!
That poor guy when he gets his bike back.
Yeah. And it's just destroyed.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Here, thanks, mate. Yeah. I'm sure it had two wheels on it before.
The search at the scene turned up a large quantity of cash
and phones with messages relating to drug supply.
Oh, burner phones, they call them, Shirl.
But disappointingly no drugs.
What?
Oh, fuck's sake. There's nothing on him.
What a waste of time.
However, a CT scan of the suspect revealed a Kinder Egg
plugged where you wouldn't want to eat it...
A Kinder Egg?
..containing multiple wraps of heroin and crack.
Oh, yeah, it was up his crack. Yeah.
He's ate it, has he?
No, he's shoved it...
Heh?
I thought he said he'd eaten it. He shoved a Kinder Egg up his arse.
He hadn't. Have.
How can you do that?
But it's a good hiding place, actually.
Hiding stuff in your bottom in a Kinder Egg.
You could hide all sorts in there and jewels, all sorts.
Not for long. I've not seen anyone shoplifting in Waitrose
and putting steaks
and manuka honey in their back bottoms, Nutty.
In Blackpool...
I bet you're getting a takeaway tonight, aren't you, because
Paige is away? What are you having? I've already decided - kebab.
'Course you are!
Yeah, because she always go to me...
AS PAIGE:"You're not having kebabs, it's dry as fuck."
SOPHIE LAUGHS
..Pete and his little sister Sophie.
Tomorrow, I'll be laid on the couch most of the day,
in my Only Fools And Horses dressing gown,
with Paige's slippers on. Yeah, that you've had since you were 21.
Yeah, it's only nine years. I've got another 30 years left in that.
This week, Paramount Plus bared all with a brand-new reality show.
Do you know this is?
What? Naked dating!
This country used to be more interested in classical music
and poetry and now it's gone to barnyard culture.
These ten singles are all fed up with the world of dating.
They're all good looking, aren't they?
So I don't know why they can't get dates. No.
They are taking their search for love to a whole new level...
No. What?
Taking their clothes off?
..by baring all...
They're all naked.
Stark bollock naked.
..taking off
..every single thing.
Tits, dicks. Eugh!
This is just another excuse for people to perve.
What else can you do naked?
I'm surprised they haven't done, like, The Great British Nake Off
where you bake food butt naked.
Right, who's ready for some wholesome family entertainment?
With the emphasis on "hole."
In the programme, we saw Rylan introducing the new housemates.
Ladies, meet Sean.
Oh, wow.
Oh, look at Sean.
Oh, here's a spanner in the works, Shirl.
Bloody hell.
I'm excited to make an impact, I'm excited to go for what I want,
and if I see a beautiful lady...
Fuck me! Fucking shit!
Oh-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho-ho!
..I'm going to go for it. Let's go have some fun.
He's going to give you a run for your money.
It's like a rifle range.
Aren't your glasses for distance?
I don't need them.
Who do like the look of?
This is primal.
He probably doesn't know where the hell to look. Well, this is it.
Is it Lauren?
Lauren.
Fuck me.
Look. Ooh! See how Lauren immediately looked at Billy...
Mm. ..who she's with.
Mm. Billy doesn't look too happy with his hands on his hips.
He's definitely drooped a bit.
There's got to be a sword fight here, I think.
Welcome, welcome. Hi! Welcome to the house.
To the naked family.
Ew! Whoo! Cheers. Cheers.
Do any of them have pubes?
No, there's not a pube in sight here, Ellie.
We do not want legs "a-gap-ay", do we, Nutty?
Do you know the expression "a-gap-ay"?
Yeah, it doesn't mean what you think. It's a spiritual...
Agape. Yeah, agape. It's different.
We do not want legs agape. No.
Can I call you in for a chat? Yeah, of course.
# You get over it... #
Oh, Sean's pulling Lauren for a chat,
Billy's not going to be happy.
He's took Lauren away.
Well, it was bound to happen at some point.
I think if I did explore things with Lauren,
I might ruffle some feathers, but, you know, that's why
we're all here, to meet new people and make new connections.
I'm not listening to a word he saying. Are you?
A bit later, Sean and Lauren went on a date
and got to know each other a bit more.
I'm a very happy lad at the moment.
THEY GASP
Fucking hells bells, man.
Oh, and it's a massage as well. Come on!
I'm enjoying this, hey?
Do you? I actually do. It does get...
I mean, she's exclusive with matey but...
Getting rubbed up. ..she's having... ..she's having a naked massage...
It's sound. ..with somebody else.
Are you all right if I touch your bum? Yeah.
Have fun down there.
Oh, really. "Have fun down there," she said.
I think Lauren looks like she's thoroughly enjoying this.
That feels nice.
If I were him, I'd probably be having to think of Ann Widdecombe
or something. Just to keep...
Just to keep the blood from flowing down to my nether regions.
To keep the wolf from the door.
Cheers, lovely. Here's to our first date.
BOTH: Oh, they're in the bath now.
How do you feel that time that I picked you and, you know,
you're here with me? How do you feel now?
Yeah, no, it's nice, it's really nice.
I feel like you and Billy are very different.
Oh, I think she's going off him now. Oh, yeah.
I think she likes the look of Sean
but I don't think the personalities are vibing.
You're just very different people. In different ways.
Lots of different ways.
But, yeah, it's been nice getting to know you, chatting to you.
I feel like Sean is going to walk away from this like, "I've scored,"
and she's walking away thinking, "I'm going to stick with Billy."
Yeah. How is everyone?
Good. Where the others?
Huh? Where the others?
Oh, Billy, be cool, mate.
Don't push her away. Exactly.
Jump up, give her a hug, and say, "Did you have a good time?"
We went on different dates.
She's gone straight to him, hasn't she?
She did the right thing. She did do the right thing. She really did.
Maybe they have genuinely got a good connection there.
Yeah, it was nice, it was nice,
but I just don't think it's there.
It fucking better not be.
She's sticking with Billy.
Watching that has made me kind of just want to get naked.
No, Shaun. Like, not right now,
but I'm gonna spend a bit of time later in me room
just naked. Shaun, that is too much information!
What you do in your own bedroom
is what you do in your own bedroom.
I don't want to know.
I really don't want to know!
Close your curtains, cos you live on the ground floor, Shaun.
In Leeds...
I really love having you over,
cos I love tidying up after you. That's what you have help for.
No, I need to show you this and we need to discuss it,
because who opens a sandwich packet like that? I was hungry.
..best friends Danielle and Daniella.
That's psychopathic. How is that psychopathic?
Oh, I'm sorry. How would you open it, then? Well...
..with the open-y bit. I never knew it did that.
Oh, you're a psychopath. You're an actual psychopath.
DANIELLA SNIGGERS
This week, it was the hotly anticipated return of Gary Oldman
and his bunch of shabby spooks that got us revved up on Apple TV+.
Whoa! Yay!
What's that?
A horse?
Yeah. Yeah?
A slow horse? Slow Horses.
Oh. I've got a slow cooker.
# And dance with the big boys again... #
Do you think you've got what it takes to be in MI5?
I think I'd do all right, you know. OK.
Didn't you used to think that your mate's dad worked for MI5
cos he said he was a keyring salesman?
Yeah.
But what sort of keyring salesman's never at home?
In the latest news...
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
She's one of the slow horses. OK.
There's just been something
that I've wanted to share with you for a while.
This is River. He's usually one of the more competent of them.
I don't want to overstep the mark or anything.
Like, I get it if you want to keep it to work when it comes to us.
Oh, River, I'm sorry. My grandfather... I do like you.
BOTH:Ohh!
Oh, hang on. She thought he was hitting on her, and he wasn't. Mmm.
BOTH:Awkward!
Did you think I was gonna ask you out? No, I didn't.Yes, you did.
It did sound like that.
I didn't.You did. OK, I did.
That's awkward!
I do. I feel closer to you. OK.
Can we just go on to your grandfather now, please?
His grandad was, like, a famous spy.
I think he's going. Going where?
Aw... Dementia. Yeah.
She's not bright for a spy, is she? No!
Do you think that maybe he should be in a home?
Yeah. Yeah, I do. But do you wanna tell him that?
No, cos I don't know your grandad.
You know, the last time I saw him,
he genuinely didn't know who I was.
Oh, God. Oh, that's the worst thing.
Kept telling me about his grandson River.
I can't...
It's horrible to see it.
Well, tough shit.
"Tough shit" - just what you need. Yeah.
That's what you need - that big cuddle. Yeah.
"Tough shit." Suck it up, buttercup.
You need to go and see him. Tonight.I know. I know. I know.
That was a good bit of tough love. Sort it out.
You gotta go and look after him.
THUNDER RUMBLES
I know you're there. Come on, let me see you. Come on.
This is me when I'm walking...
TV:Come on!
It's the paranoia,
but I'm looking for dogs as well at the same time.
Let me see you! Come on!
He could be absolutely sane and knows somebody's there,
or be old and confused. Yes.
Oh, man. Can you imagine having memory loss and be a spy?
You'd be double paranoid.
Oh, he's gone to sleep.
BANGING ON DOOR
Shit a brick! Fucking hell. Who's at the door?
Oh, River.
Oh, it's River. It's River.
Thankfully he still recognises River.
Oh. Why didn't you call?
Or maybe you did.
I did call you. You didn't answer.
Did you see who it was? Did you see it was River?
I'm just gonna run up to the loo.
Traffic was awful.
And I tell you what - shall I run you a bath while I'm up there?
Looks like you got caught in the rain too.
That's not River, Jane. I don't like it, Simon.
Oh-oh-oh! How do you know it's not River?
FOOTSTEPS
Is he thinking River's not River?
Oh, shit. He's gone for the gun.
Oh, God.
Almost ready, Gramps.
Oh, no. Hang on. Did he call him Gramps?
Yeah.
Does River call him Gramps?
I don't know, Jane. Stop putting me under pressure. I'm not a spy.
WATER RUNS
Oh, my God. Fuck, he's gonna shoot his own grandson.
This is pretty terrifying, innit?
Oh, no!
Oh, God, Simon.
You're not my grandson.
Fuck! Is it?
It's me, it's River.
Come on, please realise.
Please, can you put the gun down?
Oh, no!
Ooh!
He's fucking killed him.
Right, I'm not watching any more.
Oh, my God. What have I done?
David, what have you done?
It can't be River. It's only just bastard started.
River's the good one on here.
Ah! They've just arrived. I'll call you back.
SIREN WHOOPS
Yo, Lamb!
He's head... Oh, is he? ..of the misfits. Yeah.
River works for him, doesn't he? Yes.
It's bad in there.
I've seen bad before.
Oh, no, he must be dead. That's terrible.
Who's tiled these?!
You're right. It is bad.
The fucking grouting's shocking.
He was carrying this.
Phone and wallet? Both Cartwright's.
Oh, no.
What the fuck do you need me for, then? Formal identification.
Well, how can you tell if it's him?
When he's been shot through the frickin' face?
Did he have any identifying marks?
He used to have a face.
Frickin' hell, Mr Lamb.
Tattoos? Scars? Piercings?
Oh! Oh! Fucking hell! Jesus Christ!
I don't think it's River.
Yeah. Yeah, it's him.
Oh, it is him.
You're sure?
It's River Cartwright.
If I got murdered, I wouldn't want
Cockney Jim Royle investigating it. No!
Something fishy here, Julie.
Oh, it's a taxi. In Paris!
He's in bloody Paris.
How did you know it was Paris? It says Parisien on the taxi.
Who the hell are you?
Whose is that passport?
The guy whose face is blown off in the bathtub, probably.
IN FRENCH
It's River! He's still alive!
He didn't get shot in the face. That's a bonus. Yeah.
Is that it? Is that it?!
I am hooked like crochet. Grippings.
He wants to be careful in that taxi, actually,
because as soon as I set foot in Paris,
me and Ben nearly got ripped off.
Should have known. The guy was taking us down a fire exit
to get to the taxi. Oh, dear.
Like Taken. It was.
In Leeds...
What have you got there?
Ohh! So last night in bed,
panic-buying a bag.
I ordered this one because it would come today.
The other one is actually what I really want for the wedding.
..sisters Ellie and Izzi.
Ooh!
What do you think? Can I have it?
Well, what's the other one you've ordered? Can I have that one?
What, the other one?
You can't have the other one. The other one's pink.
That's the one that I want. Well, I'll have that one, then.
Do I want its maiden voyage to be with you?
All over Instagram?
And then people think that I've borrowed your bag.
SHE CACKLES
On Sunday, it was an interview with the Prime Minister
that made headline news on the BBC.
Brilliant!
Oh, we've got the news on in a minute, Ron,
and then we're off
for a nice roast dinner in the carvery.
That'll be nice, won't it?
Sir Keir Starmer says, in order to fix the economy, he's prepared
for his government to be unpopular.
Is there ever a government that is popular, though?
Usually, though, at the start of a new government,
that's when you're at your most popular, isn't it?
Yeah. But he's started on the best footing, has he?
We're going to have to be unpopular.
Tough decisions are tough decisions.
Popular decisions aren't tough, they're easy.
It's only unpopular to the people who are gonna be out of pocket,
and are that many people gonna be that out of pocket?
The things the last government ran away from,
that governments traditionally run away from,
I'm convinced that because they're run away from difficult decisions,
we haven't got the change we need for the country.
Oh, it's all the Conservatives' fault. That's what it is.
They run away from these difficult decisions.
It's always about the last government.
He can't keep singing that song for too long, can he?
His early popularity problems mainly stem from the decision
to scrap winter fuel payments for all but the poorest pensioners.
He's pissed off the pensioners, hasn't he?
What's that axing the winter fuel payments?
What does he mean by that?
They used to give a winter fuel payment to every single OAP,
but now they're gonna means-test it.
OK. So only give it to the people that need it. That need it.
I rate that.
The Government says it'll save over £1 billion this year by doing so.
Wow. £1 billion.
Yeah, it'll save over £1 billion on the fuel allowance,
but it'll spend that tenfold on the NHS
when they've all got pneumonia.
A necessary saving because of claims of a £22 billion black hole
in the country's finances.
Oh, this bloody black hole!
Nearly half of that £22 billion, £9 billion,
comes from decisions that your government has made
to give many public sector workers
pay rises above inflation.
You say it's above inflation now,
but they've been held back and have had freezes
for so many years. Exactly.
That was a popular decision -
to pay the public sector workers more.
Well, he's robbing Peter to pay Paul, that's what he's doing.
I cannot fault him on giving them pay rises.
I can't fault him on that.
I can fault him on taking the money off the pensioners.
That's ridiculous.
For a government elected to achieve change,
it's been a gloomy debut.
It's gloomy, but I still get a vibe
that you've got an adult in charge now, though. Do you reckon?
Yeah. I mean, the thing is, the country is in a mess.
It's gonna take a time to fix it.
I mean, the main thing that'll have been going through
Sir Keir's head at the moment
will be to get past that 45-day marker.
That's the golden number. Yeah.
Because then at least you've outlasted... BOTH:..Liz Truss.
In Wiltshire...
I've been to Italy and I didn't come back empty-handed, Mary.
So present time.
Two egg cups, his and hers.
Beautiful.
I've got something else for you, Mary.
..Giles and his wife, Mary.
I've bought a very, very useful Italian tool, Mary.
A table dustpan and brush,
so that when you've had your boiled egg and soldiers, you can
very quickly sweep up the... All right.
Sorry, Giles. Sweep up...
But it is plastic and it is grey.
Do you know how much this cost me? A pound.
One euro 50.
Yeah. And I almost bought five of them.
They're horrible. Five of them. Sorry, Giles. For Christmas.
Yeah, but look how neatly it fits.
It's a nice idea, but it's grey.
On Monday,
more long distance love affairs were blossoming on Discovery Plus.
Oh, this is mad, this is.
This is about people like, uh, create relationships online
and stuff like that. No. Bloody mental, isn't it?
Fair play to people that believe in, like, dreams like this, you know.
If Nat proposed to me, then I'd get married in 90 days.
So he didn't have time to change his mind. Mm.
The fiance is the bit where you go...
I'm kind of... I'm at the checkout, but I've not paid.
Yes. So the the fiance bit is OK.
Yes. You're in doodle when you've crossed the line.
Once the ink is dry.
# So, baby, build a rocket ship and put me on it... #
Is that her name, Tigger-lily?
Tigerlily!
41? Yeah.
Today I am leaving for Jordan.
Jordan, isn't that in the Middle East?
And I'm going to be meeting my fiance Adnan in person
for the first time.
I wonder if he's heard her voice before.
It could be a game changer.
Right after I land, Adnan and I are going to be married.
Right after she lands, they're going to be married!
My name is Adnan. I am 22 years.
Oh, lucky her.
He's only 22!
That's why she wants to marry the bugger straight away.
He's half her age.
And I'm from Jordan, and I love my life.
Sound.
Fucking sound, pal.
Well, why would he want to marry a 41-year-old from Texas?
I believe in Islam.
Because my belief, I don't respect sex before marriage.
Oh, he's a traditional fella.
I mean, that's quite nice.
He's got a moral compass, Nutty, which is quite refreshing
on a programme like this.
It's the first moral compass we've seen for decades.
So I'm now a virgin.
Now, I could be mistaken, but I don't think she's going
to be in the same canoe.
Once he's married, he can have a bonk.
Yeah, to put it bluntly.
It's important to me to get married in the same day that Tigerlily
is coming because we are only... have a six day together.
Oh, that's hilarious. It's like he's on a time schedule.
I have six days then I can go.
Let's get a move on. Yalla.
I feel like I'm a bit nervous because the first time
I see her in person.
Oh, here we go, here we go.
There she is.
Finally, baby. Hi, baby.
Oh.
Boom!
Finally you are with me now.
Aw, nice hug. That's quite sweet.
Well, they both look happy, don't they? Yes, yes.
That's a good sign. Uh-huh.
BOTH: So...
Where's the chat?
You think they would talk. Yeah.
Cos they haven't ever met. So you'd be really...
Asking what kindergarten he goes to.
What time do you go to school in morning? Yeah.
Do you have packed lunch or do you stay dinners?
Do you have any sisters?
I have five sisters.
No. Five sisters.
And nine brothers.
What?What?
Frigging hell, that's a lot of kids, isn't it?
How many kids do you want?
Maybe five. Five.
They've only got six days.
So that's one baby a day for the next six days.
You didn't even tell me, baby.
She's thinking, "Shit!" "Fuck!"
Would that not be a natural question? Do you want kids?
You'd think, wouldn't you?
And how many? Yeah. Yeah. It's normal.
What are you gonna do when you live with me in the US?
I'm just coming one week in one year.
Did he just say to her, I'll just be coming for one week a year?
It seems like Adnan is going to want to spend a lot more time
in Jordan than I thought.
There's a lot of small print missing, isn't it? Yeah.
We are here.
Oh, my gosh. No, don't do it, Tigerlily.
How's she going to get out of this?
It is really starting to hit me that I am marrying someone
that I just met a few hours ago.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think, you know, at what point is she...
I think maybe let's just pump the brakes a little bit.
They've not even eaten a meal together.
Just a dab of brakes would be nice at this stage.
Sprinkling of brakes.
This could be the biggest mistake of my life.
Oh. It is.
Maybe I don't want to do it.
Ooh!
I think that's the first sensible thing she said all through the show.
Are you ready?
Is she going to go in? Oh, is she or isn't she?
Don't do it. Don't do it. Listen to your gut.
Back out now!
Oh! Friggin' hell.
Does she, doesn't she? I can't wait. Does she, doesn't she?
Why am I getting caught up in this shite?
I'm kind of obsessed with how far Adnan's gone for a shag. Yeah.
He's actually flown a 41-year-old Texan woman over.
That is next level horn.
Yeah.
In Bristol...
What does it feel like to wear crochet trousers?
I like it, but I don't know if I could pull it off.
You're too slim. You got... Yeah, yeah. That is. Yeah.
It would be hanging on me.
Slim. Yeah. For wide people.
..brothers Tremaine, Twaine and Tristan.
Wide people, yeah? That's quite offensive.
I don't know if you could refer to him as wide.
Him? Yeah.
It's more of a stocky build, isn't it? He's short and wide.
This week saw the return of Channel 5's saucy
school-based mini series.
Are you ready for some new drama? Yeah, about time. The Teacher.
Ooh! Will Mellor. Ooh!
Oh, my days. I've literally been dying to watch this.
It's getting to drama season, though. It's drama weather. It is.
The drama weather is coming.
Yeah. The summer's over and it's dramas and Strictly.
Roll up, roll up! All aboard the adventure of a lifetime.
In the programme, we saw school teacher Dani gathering her students
together in the playground.
Nothing beats abseiling down a vertical cliff at
8.30 in the morning.
Oh, they must be going on a trip of some sort, a school trip.
OK, let's go. Yay!
Oh, it's him. Will Mellor, yeah. Hey-up, Will.
You do know that normal teachers hate school trips?
Will Mellor in Hollyoaks.
My idol.
Do you know what? That's when Hollyoaks was popping.
I'm not going to lie. I fancied the pants off Will Mellor.
Yeah, I don't know when things started to change between us.
Look at this cabin in the woods.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Look at that.
Twinkly lights around the cabin.
I can't remember the last time we had fun together.
I tried to arrange stuff - a concert, a weekend away, but...
Oh, no. She's talking about her shit marriage...
Yeah. ..to the fit teacher. Yeah.
We know where this is going. Yep.
This is where work husbands come into play.
Hey.
Fancy a little nightcap?
I'm gonna have to confiscate that.
You'll have to get it off me first.
I'm sensing a bit of flirtation between them two, are you?
A bit of chemistry, isn't there? Mm. Bit of sexual tension.
You got to water the grass of a relationship,
otherwise somebody else will...
..Mellor.
Oh.
Yeah, I get it.
I can see why you love it here.
Thank you.
She's just getting a bit touchy-feely, isn't she?
Not the chest stroke. "Thank you."
She's touting for an affair, the dirty bitch. Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Oh, he'd been wanting to do that for a long time.
You could tell.
CRUNCH NEARBY
What was that? It was a crack. Somebody's watching.
Shit. Shit. Shit indeed.
To be fair, if a student knows anything like that,
that could be very dangerous for Dani, isn't it?
If anyone needs a hand with the knots, let me know.
I'm not bad with knots.
About last night...
I'll be cleaning the boathouse later if you need me.
The boathouse, if you know what I mean.
He wants a bit more. That were just whetting the appetite, that.
Tyler, get your legs up. Legs up, Tyler. Come on.
"Tell me you don't feel the same."
He's coming on strong, isn't he, Jimmy? He ain't half.
I need to nip to the loo.
No, don't leave the kids unsupervised.
She's going to go for round two.
Yeah, for a quickie. That's what she wants.
And look at him, man. Come on. How can he say no to that?
That's the pose, innit.
Will's been stood there smouldering for the last 40 minutes,
waiting for her to come. Yeah.
What are you doing?
You and I can't happen.
Why are you here then?
So why are you here then?
Oh.
I've done it, Jane.
And what response do you usually get?
Well, they don't actually turn up. I just practise the phrases.
Really?! She honestly has zero willpower.
Oh. Literally that whole building is just windows.
Anyone could see them getting it on.
They're gonna get caught.
Oh, no. Not too much detail, please.
They're going to go for the full...
We're British. ..trampolining.
Jesus Christ!
Penetration...station.
Back at the camp... Where you should be.
Where are the kids?
Lost the kids. Shit, I've lost the kids.
What the hell are you doing? Get off there now!
I told you to wait where I left you.
Double standards, that. She were
breaking rules in boathouse, weren't she?
Grab your things and head back to the centre. Where's Zac?
Yeah. Where is Zac?
I don't know. He didn't come with us.
Oh. Zac's gone missing.
She's really fucked up there, hasn't she?
Count them. There were ten kayaks from my group here this afternoon.
Yeah, there's nine.
So there's one kayak missing and one child gone.
I've got a bad feeling. I've got a really bad feeling.
Imagine. Imagine that she's lost the boy.
Well, don't worry. We'll find him.
Bet he's watching us from somewhere laughing.
He's better.
What's she seen?
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, there's a kayak.
He's not in it. He's not in it.
Oh, shit. Where's Zac then, love?
GASPS
Oh, no. Is that Zac in the water?
SHE SCREAMS
Shit the bed.
He's a goner.
I think Ofsted's gonna have something to say about this.
The most shocking thing about all that were how smooth
Will Mellor's arse is. It was so smooth, wasn't it?
He'd naired that.
Have you ever seen an arse that smooth on a grown man? No.
# In a perfect world
# Singing Ooooh
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media