1
00:00:05,800 --> 00:00:08,099
_
2
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:09,939
I just can't believe that
3
00:00:09,940 --> 00:00:11,190
Clementine might be pregnant.
4
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:15,050
Oh, God, I know. We are way
too young to be grandparents.
5
00:00:15,060 --> 00:00:17,970
Right? My neck is still taut.
6
00:00:17,980 --> 00:00:19,230
A stranger told me that yesterday.
7
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,540
I mean, it was weird
that they just said it,
8
00:00:20,550 --> 00:00:22,010
but it felt very nice.
9
00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:24,150
- You're gonna be such a hot grandma.
- Oh, thank you.
10
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,620
I haven't said that since I
was a kid to my own grandma.
11
00:00:26,630 --> 00:00:28,079
Ooh.
12
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:32,039
False alarm.
13
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,169
Oh, thank goodness.
14
00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:35,470
We read the test wrong.
15
00:00:35,480 --> 00:00:37,130
Yeah, it turns out that a minus sign
16
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:39,140
means that you're not pregnant.
17
00:00:39,150 --> 00:00:40,469
Why would they do that? A minus sign
18
00:00:40,470 --> 00:00:43,509
looks exactly like a sleeping flat baby.
19
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:47,280
Yeah, okay, I hope that you
guys learned a lesson here.
20
00:00:47,290 --> 00:00:49,809
Is the lesson that babies aren't flat?
21
00:00:49,810 --> 00:00:52,780
No, that you need to be more careful.
22
00:00:52,790 --> 00:00:53,799
Oh, we'll be careful.
23
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,479
We don't want to ever have kids.
24
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,790
I'm sorry, what?
25
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,620
We just don't identify as selfless,
26
00:00:59,630 --> 00:01:01,630
and we're not sure we ever will.
27
00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:02,900
What do you mean you don't want kids?
28
00:01:02,910 --> 00:01:04,570
Everybody wants kids.
29
00:01:04,580 --> 00:01:06,280
I don't.
30
00:01:06,290 --> 00:01:08,329
Of course you do.
31
00:01:08,330 --> 00:01:10,289
Kids are a burden on the environment.
32
00:01:10,290 --> 00:01:12,329
You're a burden on the environment.
33
00:01:12,330 --> 00:01:13,629
You've proven my point.
34
00:01:13,630 --> 00:01:15,030
Don't try to outsmart your mother.
35
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,630
Don't you want joy in your life?
36
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,570
Look at how much joy you guys bring us!
37
00:01:18,580 --> 00:01:19,800
Just look at it!
38
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:23,779
- Well, I want a ton of kids.
- See!
39
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,770
Sophia's gonna continue the bloodline,
40
00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:27,070
and it's gonna be beautiful.
41
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,270
No, no. I'm gonna adopt.
42
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,210
Sophia, you go up to your room
43
00:01:31,220 --> 00:01:33,110
and you don't come back down
here till you're pregnant.
44
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,000
Okay...
45
00:01:36,460 --> 00:01:39,089
I know we didn't want
Clementine to be pregnant,
46
00:01:39,090 --> 00:01:40,919
but part of me kind of did.
47
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:44,050
Oh, Tim, honestly, you
know what. I-I did too.
48
00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:47,139
Well, I guess it's gonna be a
while before we have grandkids.
49
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,559
We could always have our own grandkids.
50
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:51,200
What do you mean, like hillbillies?
51
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,760
No, I'm saying we're still young enough
52
00:01:52,770 --> 00:01:54,519
to have another child of our own.
53
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,689
Tim, come on, babe,
I'm early 40s. Mm-mmm.
54
00:01:57,690 --> 00:01:59,740
- Well, you're mid-40s.
- What?
55
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:04,210
43 is early 40s.
56
00:02:04,220 --> 00:02:05,230
I don't think so.
57
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,180
- Yeah, no, I think it is.
- I'm a doctor.
58
00:02:07,190 --> 00:02:09,010
Okay, why you trying to make me older?
59
00:02:09,020 --> 00:02:11,999
And do I need to remind you
that you had a vasectomy?
60
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,020
Yeah, but I can get that reversed.
61
00:02:14,030 --> 00:02:15,459
Or we could do IVF.
62
00:02:15,460 --> 00:02:16,959
What is going on with you?
63
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,990
I just feel like the-the
three best things
64
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,890
I ever did in my life are the
three kids that I made with you,
65
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:23,759
so why wouldn't I want to do that again?
66
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,299
Oh, Tim, come on, no, don't
take me down that road. I...
67
00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:28,970
Shh. Come down the road.
68
00:02:28,980 --> 00:02:30,570
No. Stop it.
69
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:32,640
- It's a nice road with lots of babies.
- Stop.
70
00:02:32,650 --> 00:02:33,710
- Not on the road...
- No, that's weird.
71
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:34,730
... 'cause that'd be dangerous,
72
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:37,059
but up on the sidewalk,
73
00:02:37,060 --> 00:02:39,530
holding hands with... caregivers.
74
00:02:39,540 --> 00:02:40,939
Come on, say yes.
75
00:02:40,940 --> 00:02:44,050
Okay, if it is that important to
you, there are some options...
76
00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:46,569
- We're having a baby!
- Oh.
77
00:02:46,570 --> 00:02:48,370
Honey.
78
00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:52,539
So how's it looking down there?
79
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:54,570
Bad. Real bad.
80
00:02:54,580 --> 00:02:56,260
This was botched eight ways from Sunday.
81
00:02:56,270 --> 00:02:58,930
- Who did this vasectomy?
- You did.
82
00:02:58,940 --> 00:03:00,760
No.
83
00:03:00,770 --> 00:03:03,129
- Yes!
- No way I did this.
84
00:03:03,130 --> 00:03:04,900
Wh-Wh-Why? What are
you seeing down there?
85
00:03:04,910 --> 00:03:06,839
Look, whoever did this to you...
86
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:07,910
You... It was you!
87
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,240
Imagine we're carving a pumpkin.
88
00:03:10,250 --> 00:03:14,059
You reach in, you scoop out the seeds,
89
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:16,769
all the goop, and you
plop it on the side.
90
00:03:16,770 --> 00:03:20,810
Now picture taking that
goo and ramming it
91
00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:23,150
back in the pumpkin.
92
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,739
That's what we're gonna
do to your scrotum.
93
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,700
But then I'll be able to have kids?
94
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,489
Oh, no.
95
00:03:32,490 --> 00:03:33,789
Can I be honest with you?
96
00:03:33,790 --> 00:03:35,329
You've been sugarcoating it till now?
97
00:03:35,330 --> 00:03:37,329
This is gonna hurt so bad, man.
98
00:03:37,330 --> 00:03:40,340
But if you really want to do this,
99
00:03:40,350 --> 00:03:42,770
I can untie the knots
in those shoelaces.
100
00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:44,780
All right, maybe we just wait to see
101
00:03:44,790 --> 00:03:47,540
what my wife's egg production is.
102
00:03:47,550 --> 00:03:50,009
God willing, she's barren.
103
00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:51,990
Testicles.
104
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,140
More like mess-ticles.
105
00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,439
Babe, hey! Guess what?
106
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:00,939
My OB said
107
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,569
I have the egg production
of a 20-year-old.
108
00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:06,030
She also complimented my neck. Yes.
109
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,739
Let's have a baby.
110
00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:10,100
Oh. We're having a baby.
111
00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,400
Yeah, another baby.
112
00:04:12,410 --> 00:04:14,320
Hmm?
113
00:04:14,330 --> 00:04:16,130
You okay? You look like
you're gonna throw up.
114
00:04:20,070 --> 00:04:22,079
_
115
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,709
Hello, you have reached
116
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:25,499
Joan Short.
117
00:04:25,500 --> 00:04:29,070
This is not Chicken George's
Chicken and Fried Chicken.
118
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:31,550
There was a misprint
on his takeout menu,
119
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:33,239
so please don't place an order.
120
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,259
Hi, Mom.
121
00:04:34,260 --> 00:04:37,070
We were wondering if you would like
122
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,550
to watch Lucas for the evening.
123
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,800
Take your time. But
our Uber's out front,
124
00:04:40,810 --> 00:04:42,479
- so we need your answer pretty quick.
- Yeah.
125
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:43,729
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
126
00:04:43,730 --> 00:04:45,149
whoa, whoa, what is going on here?
127
00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:46,830
Oh, Joan has graciously agreed
128
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,070
- to babysit Lucas tonight.
- I have?
129
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:50,489
But she's watching our kids tonight.
130
00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:51,600
- I am?
- Yeah,
131
00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:53,130
but you guys have had
Mom all to yourself
132
00:04:53,140 --> 00:04:55,280
for years. Don't you think
it's time to share?
133
00:04:55,290 --> 00:04:56,850
Well, I mean, it's not our
fault it took you guys so long
134
00:04:56,860 --> 00:04:57,869
to have kids.
135
00:04:57,870 --> 00:04:59,120
Fun point.
136
00:04:59,130 --> 00:05:01,290
Oh, please, kids, don't do that.
137
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:02,720
She's right. All right?
138
00:05:02,730 --> 00:05:04,660
We shouldn't make Mom-Mom have to choose
139
00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:06,550
when she'd love to babysit
all of the grandkids.
140
00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:08,010
That's a great point, Greg.
141
00:05:08,020 --> 00:05:10,419
Oh, and, uh, she just
had an eight-hour nap,
142
00:05:10,420 --> 00:05:12,170
so good luck getting her down.
143
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:13,350
Oh, and one more thing.
144
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,670
Lucas has a ton of allergies.
145
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:16,910
So if you figure out what they are,
146
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,760
please let us know. Thank you.
147
00:05:18,770 --> 00:05:20,420
Bye.
148
00:05:29,030 --> 00:05:30,649
I thought we were going to the theater.
149
00:05:30,650 --> 00:05:32,190
We have tickets
150
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,529
to Jim Danvers and his
Singin' Dogs tonight.
151
00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:37,150
Oh, honey, what can I do?
152
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,090
I can't say no to the kids.
153
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,030
Am I speaking Mandarin here?
154
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,790
It's Jim Danvers and his Singin' Dogs.
155
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,459
I know, it's-it's almost one of my
favorite nights of the year, too.
156
00:05:47,460 --> 00:05:49,000
Nobody's happy about this.
157
00:05:49,010 --> 00:05:51,719
And I need help. And I tag you in.
158
00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,429
- Pass.
- No.
159
00:05:53,430 --> 00:05:55,179
You can't pass.
160
00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:58,580
I didn't sign up for this
babysitting nonsense.
161
00:05:58,590 --> 00:06:00,930
This is what grandparents do.
162
00:06:00,940 --> 00:06:03,310
Now please put on a pot of coffee.
163
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,780
Coffee at 7:00? But I won't be able
164
00:06:05,790 --> 00:06:07,769
to fall asleep till at least 8:00.
165
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:11,590
Fine. I'll have coffee.
166
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,740
But it'll be mostly whiskey.
167
00:06:19,210 --> 00:06:21,230
Well, I hope you're happy.
168
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,030
The reviews are in.
169
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:24,400
"Danvers dazzles."
170
00:06:24,410 --> 00:06:26,579
We missed the show of the century.
171
00:06:26,580 --> 00:06:28,740
I would have gone with you, Pop-Pop.
172
00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:31,610
It's a singing dog show.
It's not for kids.
173
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,780
Wait, why are they back?
They were just here.
174
00:06:34,790 --> 00:06:36,470
They went home to sleep peacefully,
175
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,240
and now that they're awake,
loud and incontinent,
176
00:06:39,250 --> 00:06:40,259
they're back.
177
00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,639
All right. Well, good luck.
178
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:45,599
Sit your sweet self down.
179
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,600
Hey, Mom.
180
00:06:46,610 --> 00:06:48,230
- Hi.
- Heard you could use some help,
181
00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:49,350
so I thought it might be nice
182
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,260
for Sophia to try babysitting.
183
00:06:51,270 --> 00:06:54,390
That's wonderful. Another pair of hands.
184
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,230
Oh, but I can't touch anything.
185
00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,340
- I have pink eye.
- What?
186
00:06:58,350 --> 00:07:00,350
She doesn't have pink eye.
187
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:01,770
That's crazy.
188
00:07:01,780 --> 00:07:04,200
But just in case, I have
these drops for her.
189
00:07:04,210 --> 00:07:05,980
Every two to four hours.
190
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,280
- So, I'll give you those. Okay.
- Hmm-mm.
191
00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:08,709
Love you.
192
00:07:08,710 --> 00:07:11,089
So, what's for dinner?
193
00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:12,549
Pop-Pop wants stroganoff.
194
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:13,650
Oh, I'll have that.
195
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:15,930
But, um, hold the stroganoff
196
00:07:15,940 --> 00:07:18,759
and add a side of... anything else.
197
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:20,560
Oh, that sounds good.
198
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,100
I'll have that, too.
199
00:07:23,850 --> 00:07:28,230
My mom always made me feel ignored...
200
00:07:30,140 --> 00:07:31,140
Joan?
201
00:07:31,150 --> 00:07:32,770
Oh.
202
00:07:32,780 --> 00:07:34,109
Were you sleeping?
203
00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:37,640
Deep, deep concentration.
204
00:07:37,650 --> 00:07:39,860
You can pick up right
where you left off.
205
00:07:39,870 --> 00:07:41,119
Okay, um...
206
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,659
Or maybe we could go
back a few sentences.
207
00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:44,990
Okay, um...
208
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,909
Lark, what are you doing here?
209
00:07:46,910 --> 00:07:49,680
Daddy said this is Mom-Mom's playroom
210
00:07:49,690 --> 00:07:51,749
and then he left for Costco.
211
00:07:51,750 --> 00:07:53,959
Oh, mercy. Uh, I'm so sorry.
212
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,190
Le-Let me just get my husband here
213
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,600
and he'll, uh... John!
214
00:07:58,610 --> 00:08:01,030
My eye is crunchy.
215
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,100
So, uh, forgive me.
216
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,809
What were you saying, please?
217
00:08:04,810 --> 00:08:07,890
- I said I was feeling ignored...
- Lark!
218
00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:09,849
Don't... don't do that, dear.
219
00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:12,149
That... Oh. Well, that's garbage now.
220
00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:13,439
I'm so sorry.
221
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,280
You-you were saying.
222
00:08:15,290 --> 00:08:17,980
- I feel ignored...
- Lark!
223
00:08:17,990 --> 00:08:20,740
Lark, don't do that, darling.
224
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,949
I just lost a patient.
225
00:08:23,950 --> 00:08:26,110
Who was he and how'd he do it?
226
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:29,430
- Oh, no, I mean a patient left me.
- Oh.
227
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,610
You know, being a built-in babysitter
228
00:08:31,620 --> 00:08:34,339
is just ruining what I do.
229
00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:37,169
I thought you said babysitting
the kids is what you do.
230
00:08:37,170 --> 00:08:39,879
No, that was before
they killed my career.
231
00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,770
Well, they're killing mine, too.
232
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:43,270
I mean, how can I be retired
233
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,910
with all these kids running around?
234
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,350
Yeah, they're running over us.
235
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,059
We have to put a stop to this.
236
00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:50,639
Hey, Mom?
237
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,520
Now's your chance.
238
00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:54,269
Tell him you have your own life.
239
00:08:54,270 --> 00:08:55,970
I will. And I might even
240
00:08:55,980 --> 00:08:58,319
poke my finger in his chest.
241
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,690
Use the crooked one, huh?
242
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,450
It always freaks him out.
243
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,770
We believe in you.
244
00:09:04,780 --> 00:09:08,320
Yeah, your mom's a strong lady, Tank.
245
00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:12,580
Except when it comes to grandkids.
246
00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:15,770
Well, how long we got him for?
247
00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,000
They didn't say, but they had luggage.
248
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:19,980
Well, I'll put on a pot of whiskey.
249
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:22,890
Oh, on second thought,
uh, I'll hold Tank.
250
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:25,550
That right eye of yours
is pink as bubble gum.
251
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:28,120
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Yeah.
252
00:09:28,130 --> 00:09:30,320
Oh, honey, we have to wash your hands.
253
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:32,540
I don't believe it.
254
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,300
_
255
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,430
All right, let's go.
256
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,239
All right, now, remember,
Lark... we're playing
257
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,030
a really fun game, right?
258
00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:46,200
And if anyone asks, you live here.
259
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,750
But this is Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's house.
260
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,140
Okay, well, if you're not
gonna play the game right,
261
00:09:50,150 --> 00:09:51,370
- then just don't talk.
- All right, come on.
262
00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:52,410
Pick it up. Come on.
263
00:09:52,420 --> 00:09:53,960
- And we're off.
- All right, come on.
264
00:09:53,970 --> 00:09:55,650
No. No, no, no, no.
265
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:57,929
I can't take your chicken order.
266
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,780
If you call back and listen
to the voice message,
267
00:10:00,790 --> 00:10:02,639
it will explain everything.
268
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,630
Hi. Oh.
269
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:07,269
Oh, what a wonderful surprise.
Am I babysitting?
270
00:10:07,270 --> 00:10:09,269
No, but you are pretending
that this is our house.
271
00:10:09,270 --> 00:10:11,939
We had to use your address to get
Lark into the good school district.
272
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:13,830
Yeah, and we heard Principal
Moore's making surprise
273
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,830
house checks today. So
it's gonna be a bloodbath.
274
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,520
I got it. I got it. Okay, let's do this.
275
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:22,390
Okay. Lark, honey, I want
you to take your toys,
276
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,330
and I want you to just throw
'em all over the house,
277
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,710
- okay?
- But I'm gonna get a time-out.
278
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,869
Not today, you won't.
279
00:10:27,870 --> 00:10:29,470
I'm so confused.
280
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,450
Okay, look, gaming the
system is confusing, okay?
281
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:34,220
But if you want to have an art class,
282
00:10:34,230 --> 00:10:35,709
you're gonna do it, little lady.
283
00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:37,030
When you bribe a child,
284
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,850
the reward has to be immediate.
285
00:10:39,860 --> 00:10:42,680
Have a soft calcium chew.
286
00:10:44,180 --> 00:10:46,400
I'm into this ruse.
287
00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:47,720
Okay, no time to explain.
288
00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:48,930
There's a woman coming from the school,
289
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,610
and we need to con her into thinking
290
00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:52,309
that we actually live
here, so just go with it.
291
00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:54,700
No problem, but do you think that woman
292
00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:57,400
from the school is gonna
want to talk to this one?
293
00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,830
Principal Moore. Hello.
294
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:03,690
We live here.
295
00:11:03,700 --> 00:11:05,690
I'm visiting from Tulsa.
296
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,449
Soft calcium chew?
297
00:11:07,450 --> 00:11:09,080
Is that a bribe?
298
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:13,780
Lark, that's a time-out.
299
00:11:13,790 --> 00:11:15,270
Holy crap.
300
00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,299
Private schools cost
over 30 grand a year?
301
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,969
Wow. For 30 grand, I can get a horimono.
302
00:11:20,970 --> 00:11:23,130
- A what?
- Horimono.
303
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:25,900
It's a traditional
Japanese full-body tattoo,
304
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:29,559
typically of dragons,
koi fish, Hello Kitty.
305
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,519
Cool. Well, your new
girlfriend should love that.
306
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,769
What about homeschool? I mean,
we could teach 'em, right?
307
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,630
Uh-huh, okay, yeah, sure.
308
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,890
Uh, which one of us is
going to quit our jobs
309
00:11:38,900 --> 00:11:40,730
and stay home all day,
every day with the kids
310
00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:42,150
and never get a break?
311
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,820
You?
312
00:11:44,780 --> 00:11:46,760
Or-or me, or we could buy a teacher.
313
00:11:46,770 --> 00:11:48,010
I mean, how much do those cost,
314
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:49,369
- legally speaking?
- Okay.
315
00:11:49,370 --> 00:11:51,830
What if we just looked for a house
316
00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:53,060
in the good school district?
317
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:55,610
You know, like when you do the
math, it's gonna be cheaper
318
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,660
than putting two kids
through private school.
319
00:11:59,710 --> 00:12:01,330
Are you doing the math?
320
00:12:01,340 --> 00:12:03,430
I want to get a peacock for my horimono
321
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,040
so that the feathers can
fan out over my abs
322
00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:09,100
onto my chest and all
the way up to my neck.
323
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:13,280
Okay, let's go over the pros.
324
00:12:13,290 --> 00:12:15,820
It's in a great school district,
it's in our price range,
325
00:12:15,830 --> 00:12:17,810
and there's room for me to brew my beer.
326
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:21,050
Okay. Okay. Cons. Uh, it
needs a total renovation,
327
00:12:21,060 --> 00:12:22,060
the bedrooms are tiny,
328
00:12:22,070 --> 00:12:24,190
and there's space for
you to brew your beer.
329
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,869
So what do we think?
330
00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:28,739
Great bones.
331
00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:31,470
Nobody is disputing that,
but, uh, unfortunately,
332
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:32,770
it's not going to work for us
333
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:35,150
due to the fact that it's terrible.
334
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:36,790
Well, I-I do have something
335
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,180
that's not officially on the market yet,
336
00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:41,580
but the owners are entertaining offers.
337
00:12:41,590 --> 00:12:42,690
- Mm-hmm.
- Ooh, I like the idea
338
00:12:42,700 --> 00:12:43,920
of something that's forbidden.
339
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,799
She likes a lot of things
that are forbidden.
340
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,639
Greg, we just met this woman.
341
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:49,219
Now, the home is a bit out
342
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:52,210
of your price range, but
it's the kind of place
343
00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:54,430
I can see your family making memories.
344
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:58,160
We already made memories here.
345
00:12:58,170 --> 00:13:00,060
Mom?!
346
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:04,649
Mom, Dad,
347
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,909
how could you sell our house?
348
00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:09,170
Well, we were flirting
with single-floor living,
349
00:13:09,180 --> 00:13:11,240
and we decided to see how
much we'd get for it.
350
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,870
And we can get a boatload,
so we're selling.
351
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,499
Maybe buying a boat.
352
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:19,220
Yeah, okay, but when were you
going to tell everybody?
353
00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:22,450
I mean, this house means
everything to us.
354
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:24,010
What about the brunches?!
355
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,320
First thing I thought of.
356
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,320
What about the brunches?
357
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:28,790
We didn't want to discuss anything
358
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,430
when there was nothing to discuss.
359
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,210
But then we got a ton of offers.
360
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:33,970
It's so exhilarating!
361
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,070
And they do it all in cash nowadays.
362
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,439
Briefcases full of cash.
363
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,240
Pretty sure that's not how it works.
364
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:41,310
Plus, a couple told us
365
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,439
this house is in the most
desirable school district.
366
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,770
That was us. We are that couple.
367
00:13:46,780 --> 00:13:47,780
I guess I just thought
368
00:13:47,790 --> 00:13:49,739
that this house would be
in the family forever.
369
00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:51,860
Well, maybe it could be.
370
00:13:51,870 --> 00:13:53,190
What do you think, John?
371
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,289
Oh, nothing would make us happier.
372
00:13:55,290 --> 00:13:59,290
But we'll need your offer in by
the end of business tomorrow.
373
00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,730
And no lowballing.
374
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,940
We don't need to sell.
375
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,860
_
376
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,919
Hi.
377
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:17,990
Hey. Oh, uh, your mom wants to know
378
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,750
what kind of food you want
for your birthday party.
379
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:20,890
Okay.
380
00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:22,450
What? What is it?
381
00:14:22,460 --> 00:14:26,250
I heard back from Timehaus
about the job in Germany.
382
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:27,810
- Wait, the job?
- Mm-hmm.
383
00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:29,220
Okay, w-what did they say?
384
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,750
Okay, well, I ran the e-mail
385
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,439
through the online translator, and...
386
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,430
"You are being the job.
387
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,930
"Please take with us breakfast
388
00:14:36,940 --> 00:14:39,040
"on the Tuesday subsequent to next.
389
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:40,779
Cannot translate."
390
00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,040
The offer's real.
391
00:14:42,050 --> 00:14:44,950
Oh, my God! Matt!
392
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:47,770
You're gonna be the art director
393
00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:50,050
of the biggest watch
company in all of Europe.
394
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,780
I am so proud of you.
395
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,790
- Mm.
- Oh...
396
00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:57,490
Are we really moving to Germany?
397
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,040
I mean, is that crazy?
398
00:14:59,050 --> 00:15:00,500
Yes.
399
00:15:01,220 --> 00:15:02,960
Getting out of the country
is just what we need.
400
00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:05,969
What a relief to leave all
this credit card debt behind.
401
00:15:05,970 --> 00:15:07,720
- What?
- What?
402
00:15:11,070 --> 00:15:13,150
Oh, hey, honey? Um, can we hold off
403
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,420
on telling my family about
Germany until after the party?
404
00:15:15,430 --> 00:15:18,790
I mean, it's gonna be pretty
hard on my mom and dad.
405
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,270
Mostly on my mom.
406
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:21,830
Um... okay.
407
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:22,870
Why'd you say it like that?
408
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,270
Um... no reason.
409
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,889
So why is your birthday
party German-themed?
410
00:15:31,890 --> 00:15:34,349
Mm. I wouldn't really call it a theme.
411
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,150
It's called Mattoberfest.
412
00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:40,890
Yeah, but it's pretty common
413
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,489
to have a geographic theme
for a birthday party.
414
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,949
I have never once heard of that.
415
00:15:44,950 --> 00:15:46,660
- No, it's a thing.
- I'm not sure...
416
00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:47,810
- It's definitely a thing, Heather.
- Okay, yeah.
417
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:50,900
Why don't you just relax and
enjoy the perfectly normal,
418
00:15:50,910 --> 00:15:53,740
ordinary birthday sauerkraut bar?
419
00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:56,999
Hello.
420
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,030
To Uncle Matt.
421
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,710
He's not just the world's
best brother-in-law...
422
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:01,910
I'm sitting right here.
423
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,240
... he's also the best uncle.
424
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:04,430
I literally haven't moved.
425
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,310
And he's gonna get a
chance to do it again,
426
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,490
because we're having another baby.
427
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,299
Get out!
428
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,320
- Oh, my.
- Which will happen
429
00:16:12,330 --> 00:16:13,850
just as soon as I can
get Heather pregnant,
430
00:16:13,860 --> 00:16:16,490
which will happen just as soon
as we can have sex again,
431
00:16:16,500 --> 00:16:19,070
which will happen just
as soon as I recover
432
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:22,729
from my unimaginably
painful reverse vasectomy.
433
00:16:22,730 --> 00:16:24,060
To Uncle Matt.
434
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,330
How wonderfully speculative.
435
00:16:26,340 --> 00:16:30,240
Yeah, you know, I'm-I'm two days
post-surgery, and I feel good.
436
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:32,040
Well, congrats on your future miracle.
437
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:34,710
Oh, thank you.
438
00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,710
We're a little bit older
than most new parents,
439
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,410
but thank God we have
free available help
440
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:40,580
right across the street.
441
00:16:40,590 --> 00:16:42,110
I wouldn't count on that.
442
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,770
Wait, what? Is one of you dying?
443
00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:44,879
Oh, my God, are both of you dying?
444
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,690
Oh, no, honey, no.
445
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:48,620
But we may be selling the house.
446
00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:50,290
What?
447
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,460
You can't sell our childhood home.
448
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:54,890
Oh, don't worry, we're buying it.
449
00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:56,490
That's not any better.
450
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,000
Calm down. They only may be buying it.
451
00:16:59,010 --> 00:17:00,030
May be?
452
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:02,149
Yeah, the offers are very competitive.
453
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:04,710
One of them wrote a beautiful letter.
454
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,070
Said this house reminded them
of the one they grew up in.
455
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,300
This is the house we grew up in.
456
00:17:10,310 --> 00:17:11,319
W-W-W-W-Wait.
457
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:14,810
Why does Greg get to buy
our house but I don't?
458
00:17:14,820 --> 00:17:17,120
I can afford it now with my new job.
459
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:18,850
Wait, what? What new job?
460
00:17:18,860 --> 00:17:22,079
I'm the new international
art director for Timehaus.
461
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:24,990
Matt, that is incredible.
462
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,219
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
463
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:29,509
Oh, it's wonderful.
464
00:17:29,510 --> 00:17:31,000
Yeah, well, I've been
working my whole life
465
00:17:31,010 --> 00:17:32,360
for a job like this.
466
00:17:32,370 --> 00:17:33,730
It's just, um...
467
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:35,170
it's gonna be a long commute.
468
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,600
- So? Just listen to a podcast.
- Yeah.
469
00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:39,849
It's in Germany.
470
00:17:39,850 --> 00:17:41,980
You're moving to Germany?
471
00:17:43,020 --> 00:17:46,180
Okay, these decorations
are such a coincidence.
472
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:48,480
Uh... Matt?
473
00:17:48,490 --> 00:17:51,120
- What's the matter, baby?
- That was our social worker.
474
00:17:51,130 --> 00:17:53,350
So it turns out we can't take
Lucas out of the country
475
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:56,090
until the adoption papers are finalized.
476
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:59,620
- But that's, like, six months from now.
- Yeah.
477
00:17:59,630 --> 00:18:01,870
What do we do?
478
00:18:05,510 --> 00:18:06,799
Don't worry.
479
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,570
- I'm sorry.
- No, hey.
480
00:18:08,580 --> 00:18:11,049
Uh, guys. We're not going to Germany.
481
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,089
- Oh.
- Oh.
482
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,469
It's just a job.
483
00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:15,310
Oh, no.
484
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,320
I think I'm gonna sneeze,
485
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:17,570
- somebody do something.
- Okay.
486
00:18:18,490 --> 00:18:19,510
You got it.
487
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:23,650
Oh.
488
00:18:25,590 --> 00:18:27,720
Uh-oh.
489
00:18:27,730 --> 00:18:29,220
Oh, no.
490
00:18:29,230 --> 00:18:30,460
Honey.
491
00:18:30,470 --> 00:18:31,670
Oh, that did it.
492
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,770
Oh, I'm spilling out.
493
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,830
Finally got him down.
494
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,070
He is so gonna wet that bed.
495
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:45,510
He had, like, three steins of juice.
496
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:46,520
What?
497
00:18:46,530 --> 00:18:48,210
You have to take the job.
498
00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:50,530
Oh, honey, come on. No, no, no.
499
00:18:50,540 --> 00:18:51,650
They said that we can't go.
500
00:18:51,660 --> 00:18:54,970
No, we can't. But you can.
501
00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:56,430
You've waited your whole life
502
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,390
to catch a break, and this is it.
503
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,260
You can't let it slip
through your fingers.
504
00:19:00,270 --> 00:19:01,350
Are you crazy?
505
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,250
Honey, I'm not gonna
leave you and Lucas.
506
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:06,690
- It's six months.
- It's only six months, Matt.
507
00:19:06,700 --> 00:19:09,600
And think of the future
it could give us.
508
00:19:09,610 --> 00:19:12,110
We could pay for college for
Lucas, we could buy a house.
509
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,210
- But, Colleen...
- We're gonna do it.
510
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:15,450
We're just gonna figure it out.
511
00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:18,079
Together. Like we always do.
512
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:19,740
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
513
00:19:19,750 --> 00:19:21,270
I want you to get on that plane
514
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,320
and I want you to take that breakfast
515
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,590
on the Tuesday subsequent to next.
516
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,300
Be safe, Uncle Matt.
517
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:34,920
I don't want to scare you,
518
00:19:34,950 --> 00:19:37,970
but I had a nightmare about the plane.
519
00:19:37,980 --> 00:19:39,550
So if the tail number
520
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:43,730
is 0-0-1, please don't get on.
521
00:19:43,740 --> 00:19:45,850
Shut up. I had the same dream.
522
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:52,900
- I love you so much.
- Mm.
523
00:19:52,910 --> 00:19:55,820
We're here for Colleen and Lucas.
524
00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:02,530
No growing while I'm gone, okay?
525
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,580
You're gonna be late.
526
00:20:09,590 --> 00:20:10,730
Yeah.
527
00:20:10,740 --> 00:20:14,730
Just remember... wir lieben dich.
528
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:16,400
What does that mean?
529
00:20:16,410 --> 00:20:18,530
We love you.
530
00:20:35,060 --> 00:20:37,360
We love you.
531
00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:03,260
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