1 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,311 There's a whole pile of wisdom here. 2 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,355 What were you trying to tell me? 3 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,236 Hello. This is my new tape recorder. 4 00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:31,031 I bought it today at Montgomery Ward's. 5 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,741 It was on sale. 6 00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:36,327 I also bought terry cloth, uh, shorts. 7 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,996 They're roomy where it counts. 8 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,706 Okay, okay, get to the good stuff. 9 00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,624 Let's see how I sound. 10 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,629 I don't sound like that! I come off like a filthy beatnik. 11 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,257 Fucking Japanese piece of garbage! 12 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,633 Jesus Christ. 13 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,265 Today, I saw something that will forever change me. 14 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:02,312 I took a shit that spelled out "Ted" in the bowl. 15 00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,938 Jesus Christ! 16 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:22,665 {\an8} 17 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,548 {\an8} 18 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,101 {\an8} 19 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,811 {\an8} 20 00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,241 {\an8}Breaking news. 21 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:59,244 {\an8}We just discovered the best singer in the world, 22 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,664 {\an8}Bill Murphy! 23 00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,173 "Aba Daba Honeymoon" again? 24 00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:17,387 {\an8}-Frank, it's two in the morning. 25 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,097 {\an8}Can't you come to bed? 26 00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:22,058 {\an8}Sue, my dad died wanting me to find these tapes. 27 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:25,728 {\an8}I just know there's some kind of fatherly advice on one of these. 28 00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,106 {\an8}Some wisdom that will help me with my life. 29 00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,566 {\an8} 30 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:35,405 {\an8}I'll bet that Lawrence Welk gets all kinds of tail. 31 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,991 A different Lennon Sister every night. 32 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,410 Come on, enlighten me, you son of a bitch! 33 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,705 {\an8}Frank, we just had a good day together as a family. 34 00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:47,542 {\an8}The Frank at the bowling alley was the man I fell in love with. 35 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:49,961 The Frank who grinds his teeth at night 36 00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:52,547 and mutters, "That dead fucking bastard," is not. 37 00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:55,967 {\an8}Can't you let this go? 38 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:59,596 {\an8}All I know is it can't end like this. All right? 39 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,389 -It can't. 40 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:04,601 Just take it in little pieces, okay? 41 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:13,902 My feet smell so weird, like Parmesan cheese and hair, 42 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,697 but not the good kind of hair or the good kind of Parmesan cheese. 43 00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,867 Your sister and I made our plane reservations for the 22nd. 44 00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,036 What's my mom doing on Dad's tape? 45 00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:24,829 She's on the answering machine. 46 00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:29,626 It says we're flying on something called "Ala-Hican"? What is that? 47 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,170 That's what Mohican is called now, Ma! 48 00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,131 What's with all the Indian names anyway? 49 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,551 Frank, tell them to change it to something American. 50 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,929 He's not in charge of names, Ma! 51 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,764 He told me he was a big shot! 52 00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,307 Well, maybe he used to be-- 53 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,976 -Out of tape. 54 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,855 Oh, inviting them for Christmas seemed like such a good idea 55 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,857 when I was drunk and sentimental. 56 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,026 Oh. Oh yeah, your boss left a message too. 57 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:58,947 He said he needs everyone to come into work today at 10:00 a.m. sharp, 58 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:03,326 which I guess is five minutes from now. 59 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,661 Fuck! 60 00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,413 Buster Thunder Junior is roaring your way! 61 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,666 Fucking Ed. Calling me in on a Sunday. 62 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,085 Rev him up and watch him crash! 63 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:14,671 Whoa! 64 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,966 -He's got spring-loaded breakaway limbs! -Where are my keys? 65 00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:21,302 Nothing stops Buster Thunder Junior! 66 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,971 Buster Thunder Junior has been stopped! 67 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,847 Christ, you can't put anything down in this house! 68 00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,141 Because of his gruesome Thanksgiving wipeout, 69 00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:31,688 Harrah's Reno has backed out of hosting Buster's planned jump on December 24th. 70 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,941 The sad folks gambling on Christmas Eve just got a little sadder. 71 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,443 -Goddamn it. Dad, you're blocking the TV. 72 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,279 I paid for it, I can block it! 73 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,739 And I'll tell you what, I'll put your fucking face through it if you-- 74 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,409 Okay, okay, not doing this anymore. 75 00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,827 Yesterday was great. 76 00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,036 I love you all. 77 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,789 -Let's go bowling again some other-- 78 00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:53,084 Shit! Give me those! I'll put you down, you son of a bitch! 79 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,836 -Ugh. -Ew! 80 00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,005 To reiterate, I love you all very much! 81 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,217 I forgot the fucking tapes that'll bring me peace. 82 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,760 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 83 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,682 Goddamn Ed. My whole fucking life. 84 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:10,727 I did some thinking about my life today. 85 00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,480 Oh, great. Tell me more wisdom, Dad. What name did you shit out now? 86 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,734 After I lost my store, I was like a dead man, 87 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,278 drunk, running from failure. 88 00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,739 But one year ago today, 89 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,491 June 23, 1970, 90 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:29,203 I started my job selling typewriter ribbon. 91 00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,915 At that moment, my life had a purpose again. 92 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:37,086 Now that I'm working, I have a reason to live. 93 00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,882 Fuck you! 94 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:44,427 I have a job, and it sucks, you fucking dead dope. 95 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,610 Hey, what are you doing? This is a sad song. 96 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,528 You're not supposed to laugh, you baby. 97 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,448 Oh, it's so sweet that Megan loves you, 98 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,659 which is perfect, because I need you to watch her for a couple hours 99 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,286 while I take Bill and Maureen shopping. 100 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,206 -Don't "ugh" me. 101 00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:17,168 I have to get the special 7.5-ply toilet paper Grandma Nora likes. 102 00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:20,171 And watching Megan will help you take your mind off Alice. 103 00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:22,173 I know. Dad told me to give her space. 104 00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,008 A hundred yards of space. 105 00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,303 She has a restraining order against you. So does the temple. Oh. 106 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,721 Thanks, you're a darling. 107 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,682 Also, stay away from the butcher. I think he's Jewish! 108 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:40,608 Mommy, I think Daddy's friend melted into our couch. 109 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,987 Don't you worry. He's leaving today. Or your father is. 110 00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:48,449 Georgia! We can't throw him out when he's in this kind of trouble. 111 00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,577 Gangsters are after him. He's a human being! 112 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,838 Thank you again for your hospitality. 113 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,756 You won't even know I'm here. 114 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,306 Okay, that's one sock on. 115 00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,184 Now for the hard one. 116 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,894 Ol' lefty. 117 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,900 He'll be gone by the time you get back from church. 118 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,528 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 119 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:29,073 Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! 120 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,074 Sorry, Ed. 121 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,659 That's okay, Frank. 122 00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:34,787 We all waited in silence for you to arrive. 123 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,749 I've called you all in to tell you that, 124 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:43,045 unfortunately, our profits have gone down since the merger. 125 00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,591 It turns out the ad campaign announcing our new identity 126 00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:49,218 had a negative effect on sales. 127 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,112 Kids fly free! 128 00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,326 In retrospect, it was a mistake 129 00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,829 to give Mr. Stanley Kubrick creative carte blanche. 130 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:21,250 The upshot is we won't be getting any Christmas bonuses this year. 131 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,377 -Oh! What? Come on! 132 00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:27,340 Ed, why did you call us in on a Sunday morning just to tell us this? 133 00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:31,219 Well, I didn't want anyone to start spending their bonus money. 134 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,804 Guess who's Joe Namath now? 135 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:35,806 What? 136 00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:40,978 Oh, I love this time of year. 137 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:45,191 The lights, the tree, the Nativity scene. 138 00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:49,070 Cool. Baby Jesus is feeding the hungry. 139 00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:53,407 Uh, yeah... Why don't you go in here and get something for your father, hmm? 140 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,077 Um, at the adult diaper store? 141 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,288 Just stay out of trouble. I have to... 142 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,959 Apologize to Uncle Louis for lying to him at Thanksgiving? 143 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,212 I wouldn't exactly say it was lying. 144 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,672 Which is a lie. 145 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,799 Hi-ya! 146 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,968 Arigatou gozaimashita. 147 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:14,554 Arigatou gozaimashita. 148 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,848 Oh, fuck. 149 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,184 Oh, fuck. 150 00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,939 Let's buy something cheap for Dad and split the rest on candy. 151 00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,693 Later, loser. 152 00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:29,986 Hey, Jesse! 153 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,822 Billy, am I glad to see you! 154 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,742 You want to yell at cars for a minute while I take a mother of a piss? 155 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,202 Do I?! 156 00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,829 Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. 157 00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,458 Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss. 158 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,546 I have my doubts about your divinity, 159 00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:51,924 but that doesn't mean a crow should eat your face. 160 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:55,553 I hope this evil eye gives you peace, Baby Jesus. 161 00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:58,306 Ah, come on. It's Christmas! What are we supposed to do? 162 00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,807 I am fucked. 163 00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:03,019 I keep the receipts when I get a burger but not this? 164 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,895 It's pure capybara! 165 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,773 Fellas, I have good news. 166 00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,152 I conveyed your justified bellyaching to management, 167 00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,988 and they said whoever can come up with an idea 168 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,532 to repair our image and boost profits 169 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:20,036 will get the full Christmas bonus and a promotion. 170 00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:23,456 So, even if this works, only one of us will do okay? 171 00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,915 The rest can go screw? 172 00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:28,169 In the immortal words of Gandhi, "Yes." 173 00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,920 -That's bullshit! -What? 174 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,922 I don't know how many times you want me to say it, 175 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,133 but I'm so sorry I lied to you. 176 00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,260 Can you ever forgive me? 177 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,056 Or at least acknowledge that I'm talking to you? 178 00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,849 You know, you really hurt me. 179 00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,768 It was only because I love you 180 00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:47,146 and I wanted everything to be okay with our family again. 181 00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,858 I don't want to go another 15 years without us talking. 182 00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,985 I am so, so sorry that I-- 183 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,945 Okay, Sue. You can stop. 184 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,155 You forgive me? 185 00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,073 A little. 186 00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,368 But mostly because my next class starts in five minutes 187 00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,161 and I need to get you the hell out of here. 188 00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:03,120 I'll take it. 189 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,040 And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving too. 190 00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,376 I shouldn't have called Frank a balding piece of shit. 191 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,920 It was the balding part that upset him most. 192 00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,588 He didn't know. 193 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:16,801 Hey, do you want to come to our Christmas party? 194 00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:20,721 We could have eggnog and get into another screaming fight. 195 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,015 Sure, I'll come to your Christmas party. 196 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,017 Oh, that's wonderful! 197 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:28,729 Sue! You're fucking my sensei? Does Frank know about this, 198 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,190 or are we keeping it on the hush-hush, like the bald thing? 199 00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,692 Vic, she's my sister. 200 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,819 Sensei Lou is your brother? 201 00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,320 Oh man. 202 00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,197 I knew you weren't Japanese, man. 203 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,116 Wait, are you one of those Caucasian Japanese, 204 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,909 like the guest stars on Hawaii Five-O? 205 00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:43,202 Vic is my neighbor. 206 00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:47,331 Oh, you're the drug addict Sue has told me so much about. 207 00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:51,585 And you're the hot piece of ass who raises the shit out of her kids! 208 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,129 Thank you, Vic. 209 00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,088 You earned it. 210 00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:55,798 Girl, you know you're fine. 211 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,509 If I was a biscuit and you was gravy, I'd sop you. 212 00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,427 Mm. 213 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,846 She's been teaching me and my friends all about parenting. 214 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,681 She's like a sensei for babies. 215 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:05,307 I'm glad you're finding a path. 216 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:09,019 Well, I mean, it's fun, but I wouldn't call it a path. 217 00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,021 I tell you, Sue, you should start a business. 218 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,565 You could make some real money. 219 00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,775 Tiger guy money! You know what I'm saying? 220 00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,861 I don't know. Where would I do it? 221 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:18,070 Well, how about here? 222 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,157 There's plenty of open space, it's all padded, 223 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,409 and I don't have any classes Monday and Wednesday afternoons. 224 00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:27,955 And none of my friends have real jobs! Let's do this! 225 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:31,250 That's the death house where the lady killed her husband. 226 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,586 That's Mr. Goomer's house. 227 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,047 -Blech. 228 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:39,925 If your underwear goes missing, it's him. 229 00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,137 Also, if you go missing, it's him. 230 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,932 You're gonna have so much fun growing up in this neighborhood. 231 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,271 Well, it looks like we all had a really good day. 232 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:54,356 I gave Baby Jesus his eye back! 233 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,776 And I got that nickel out of Megan's ear! 234 00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,112 Okay, not listening, in a Christmas mood. 235 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,906 Frank, we just had the most-- 236 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,116 Okay, okay, airplane roulette. 237 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,452 You find out where you're going when you get there. 238 00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:09,705 No, uh, guaranteed sober pilots. 239 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,540 No, I'd never get that past the union. 240 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,752 Uh, come on, Frank! Come on, Frank. Think! Think! 241 00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,003 Frank, are you all right? 242 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,923 Does it look like I'm all right? The airline's going down the shitter! 243 00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,257 Oh no. 244 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,384 And the only chance to get my Christmas bonus 245 00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:26,013 is to come up with some brilliant idea to save everything. 246 00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:29,683 And I got this asshole telling me how great work is. 247 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:33,729 Buster Thunder Junior has vowed to come back! 248 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,564 Turn that shit off! I'm trying to think! 249 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,234 It wouldn't bother you if I had a TV in my room. 250 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,362 You won't be bothering me in ten minutes when I put my foot up your ass! 251 00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,697 Harrah's Reno is a coward. 252 00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:47,493 My last jump was watched by pret' near 40 million people. 253 00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:51,455 Charles Bronson in person on every flight. Nah, that doesn't make sense! 254 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,916 I'll be ready to go on Christmas Eve. 255 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:57,753 The contract with the TV network is already signed. 256 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:02,633 I will come to your town and jump whatever the hell you set up. 257 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:03,801 You name it! 258 00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,219 Oh my God. 259 00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,763 I need the action! 260 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,807 And I need morphine. 261 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,892 I can feel my legs! 262 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:12,810 That's it. 263 00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,937 Ah, I just got the idea! 264 00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,939 I'll get my bonus now! 265 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,985 Sue, I'm gonna save Ala-Hican! And I just saved Christmas! 266 00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,737 Well, we would've had a good Christmas anyway. 267 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,364 With just the family? 268 00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,117 It would've sucked, Sue, but I saved it! 269 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,120 And the key to happiness did come from my job. 270 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,205 My dad was right! 271 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,165 That wonderful man! 272 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:38,252 Get over here, you dead bastard! Mwah! 273 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,004 Maybe he was right about everything! 274 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,172 I'm gonna go take a shit and see what it spells! 275 00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:49,430 Ed, I got it. The big idea to get our profits up. 276 00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:50,890 I'm all ears. 277 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,560 Well, if that were true, I'd be some sort of monster. 278 00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:58,105 I have two ears, but they are both listening to you. 279 00:14:58,188 --> 00:14:59,857 Good. Get a load of this. 280 00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,152 We get Buster Thunder Junior 281 00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:07,781 to jump one of our 747s here, on live TV. 282 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,117 It'll be a free commercial for Ala-Hican. 283 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,119 On Christmas Eve, 50 million Americans 284 00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,914 will be talking about how exciting this airline is 285 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,291 and not about our horrific midair collision. 286 00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:20,419 Unless we have a midair collision between now and then. 287 00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:23,839 But the odds of that are fifty-fifty. 288 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,594 I'll take that action! Great idea, Murphy! 289 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,640 It's gonna be one hell of a Merry Christmas. 290 00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:19,061 Bouncing on the balls really soothes them, and it gives you time to watch TV. 291 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,940 Let's end with another song from Kangaroo Kevin. 292 00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,192 It's a happy song I wrote for you guys. 293 00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:28,320 It's called "Baby Bong Bong." 294 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:29,363 I hope you like it. 295 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,749 Thank you, baby class! 296 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,171 -What? 297 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:55,472 Aw, damn. 298 00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:58,892 I was just about to go in there and restock the candy bars! 299 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,895 The fuck I'm gonna do with all these Charleston Chews? 300 00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:05,482 That fucking mayor's only doing this to get back at me for standing up to him. 301 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,109 Who the hell told you to do that? 302 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,944 You did, when you voted for me! 303 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,237 I don't vote anymore. 304 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,655 That's how they get you. 305 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:16,160 They lock you in that booth, and they give you the ol' Tuskegee one-two! 306 00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411 Man, you're paranoid. 307 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:20,164 I know! They gave me syphilis! 308 00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,374 Well, what in the hell we gonna do about this mayor? 309 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,792 I have a plan. 310 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,880 Ah! Oh my God, he's real? 311 00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,716 I thought it was the ghost of Mama Cass. 312 00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,134 I get that a lot. 313 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,761 I want to help you. 314 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,721 And you can help me. 315 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,806 We have mutual enemies. 316 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:41,560 Like booths in restaurants where the table doesn't move, 317 00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:45,481 the mayor is in cahoots with the mobsters trying to kill me. 318 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,817 Cahoots? You just don't throw that kind of word around. 319 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,944 Oh, cahoots they are in. 320 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:55,407 But we can un-hoot them if we team up, 321 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,951 like peanut butter and jelly 322 00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,204 or peanut butter and bacon 323 00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,247 or peanut butter and chitlins 324 00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,749 or peanut butter... 325 00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:07,628 You better stop me before I open another restaurant. 326 00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:08,629 -Hmm? 327 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,841 My God. That's where I got married. 328 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,719 What's the point? We can't win. 329 00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:19,681 Sorry, Pogo, but I'm done with you, and I'm done fighting. 330 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,227 I'm taking my kid to the mall to meet Santa Claus. 331 00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:28,732 He's a fat man who can't help me either, but at least he gives out candy canes. 332 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,986 Peanut butter and candy canes. 333 00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,742 -Ooh. 334 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,286 Ah, we're doing a lot better this Christmas than last year. 335 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,248 I'm getting my bonus, thanks to my big idea, 336 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,416 and everyone's signing up for Sue's class! 337 00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,545 It's incredible how many parents have no idea what the fuck they're doing. 338 00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,172 This could be the start of something big for me. 339 00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,259 And it's all thanks to Louis letting me use his dojo. 340 00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,510 Where is Louis? 341 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,054 He's over there, getting "Throatered." 342 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,932 Is there a Mrs. Karate Instructor? 343 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:02,850 I'm gay. 344 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,268 Aw. 345 00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:06,186 Well, even on Christmas? 346 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,981 -Especially on Christmas. -Hm. 347 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,233 -Hey, Ev. -Hi. 348 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:16,572 Listen, I was thinking about going to the bathroom. Inside. 349 00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,073 It's too late for that. 350 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,658 What will it take? 351 00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,076 A Christmas miracle. 352 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,872 I'm trying, Ev! Don't give up on me! 353 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:28,876 Francis, what a fun party. You have such wonderful friends. 354 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:29,793 Thanks, Ma. 355 00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:35,007 It's amazing how you managed to cram them all into this tiny house. 356 00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:39,261 Don't shit on Frank's tiny house, Ma. Yours is no Taj Mahal. 357 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:42,556 Well, it'd be roomier if you ever found a man and got married. 358 00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,057 I'm working on it! 359 00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:48,562 Yeah, some work. You haven't had a date in a year. I say work harder. 360 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:56,111 You punks are here because you broke the law. 361 00:19:56,195 --> 00:20:00,282 Stick with us, and maybe you'll be a success like Bill Murphy. 362 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,327 Or you could keep being thugs 363 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:08,415 and earn a one-way ticket here with these hardened prisoners. 364 00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:14,171 You mess with Nguyen-Nguyen, you are dead. 365 00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,049 Don't believe me? Ask husband. 366 00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:19,968 Oh, that's right, you can't. I killed him. 367 00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,848 Oh, you make a pee-pee in your pants, big man? 368 00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,893 Wait till I make you act out Kojak with me. 369 00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:31,396 "The Strange Case of the Disappearing Lollipop." 370 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,482 -It go in your ass. 371 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:59,216 He creeps me out, but I'm getting goosebumps on my balls. 372 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,133 Oh. 373 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,892 That's the man I married. 374 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,603 I love you, Walter Bartnett. 375 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,855 I love you, Mary Margaret. 376 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,065 Aw. 377 00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:16,358 What? 378 00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,068 That was fun, Daddy. 379 00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:19,903 How come Santa Claus was white? 380 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:23,323 Because the mall is on the other side of the bridge, baby. 381 00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,825 -Damn it. 382 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,745 Just stay still and don't say a word, honey. 383 00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,293 Evening, Officer. 384 00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,962 You're far from home. You lost? 385 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:40,007 No, we just went to see Santa Claus at the mall. 386 00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:42,134 I'm Alderman Roosevelt, by the way. 387 00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,844 Alderman Roosevelt? 388 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,221 What is that, some kind of Duke Ellington shit? 389 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:50,642 No. I'm a city alderman. I represent the Twelfth Ward. 390 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:54,479 Well, this is the First Ward, Alderman. 391 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:58,066 Come on, man. We really gonna do this? 392 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,901 Wanna step out of the car, big man? 393 00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,158 Hands on the trunk. 394 00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:10,412 I know the drill. Just like the last 15 times. 395 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,623 Well, here's a twist, sit on the curb. 396 00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:33,643 Mayor Tangenti told us to send you his regards. 397 00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:35,645 Yeah, I'm, uh, downtown. 398 00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,158 It's okay, honey. 399 00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:50,535 Let's go home. 400 00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:58,752 Tangenti's gonna love us. 401 00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:01,213 Bill, that's how you make captain. 402 00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,215 All right, let's get Billy home. 403 00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,425 He's had enough Christmas cheer for one night. 404 00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:27,489 Ah, Christ. 405 00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:31,660 -My fucking life. 406 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048 I've struck out with every man here. 407 00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,801 I don't know why. You're so pretty. 408 00:23:47,884 --> 00:23:50,095 I can barely see your mustache. 409 00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:51,012 Aw. 410 00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:52,389 Thank you! 411 00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:03,275 She had a baby in a manger, and it was silent? 412 00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:06,278 -Must've been a man who wrote that. -Well, that's right. 413 00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:07,821 -We have no empathy. -Mm-hmm. 414 00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:10,532 Ooh! Sue, look at that. It's almost eight. 415 00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,785 I got to run to the airport and go over things for Buster Thunder's jump tomorrow. 416 00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:16,037 I know. You told me. It's fine. 417 00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,539 Is it really? 418 00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,208 Or is this one of these times where you say, "It's fine," 419 00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,711 but later, when I get home, you won't let me sleep in the bed? 420 00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:25,589 Frank, I'm serious. I understand. 421 00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:28,175 Tomorrow's your big day. Go. 422 00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:32,429 You know what? You know... You know what? You know what? 423 00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:37,184 Like I said, I don't know what, but I am dying to find out! 424 00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:40,812 Guys, guys, I'm so sorry, but I'm needed at the airport. 425 00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:44,274 Your old man is going to go meet Buster Thunder. 426 00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:46,943 Junior? He's the coolest! 427 00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:51,114 You're leaving your mother who came all the way from California? 428 00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:54,826 Well, I guess that airport spent all day giving birth to you 429 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:58,371 with a fourth-degree tear from that giant head of yours. 430 00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:01,374 Fourth-degree? Ha! You had it easy! 431 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,085 I put my mommy in a coma. 432 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:05,962 Mom, I got to go. I'm an important man. 433 00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:08,840 Oh, you're acting just like your father right now. 434 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:13,803 He used to leave on Christmas too, because he was an important man. 435 00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:15,764 "The Polio King." 436 00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,140 I had polio. 437 00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:18,725 Hey, you leave Dad alone. 438 00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:21,561 I'm not gonna stand here and listen to you tear him down. 439 00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:25,440 You hated your father! Are you forgetting he beat you with a crutch? 440 00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:28,318 Just that once! Rest of the time he used a belt. 441 00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:29,778 Why are you defending him? 442 00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:33,406 Okay, yeah. He was a real son of a bitch to me. 443 00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:37,285 But he spent his last minutes on Earth trying to set things right between us. 444 00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:39,412 He was finally looking out for me. 445 00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:42,624 He was telling me that a man's work gives him purpose. 446 00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:44,793 So I'm going to the airport now. 447 00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:46,920 That's my purpose, Mom! 448 00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:51,258 You're gonna just leave your kids on the third holiest night of the year? 449 00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:52,717 -I don't care. -We want him to go. 450 00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:54,094 Yeah, he's a time bomb. 451 00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,929 See, Ma? They get me! 452 00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,765 Merry fucking Christmas. 453 00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:03,853 I am so glad I came. 454 00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:08,900 -Ah! Jesus Christ! 455 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:13,029 Frank, you'll never guess what I just discovered about myself. 456 00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,824 I kind of guessed it when I met you. Out of my car! 457 00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:19,619 You know what the best part of the pigeon is, don't you? 458 00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:24,457 If you say "skin" one more time, I'll cut you open and sleep inside you. 459 00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:27,085 -Pogo. -Rosie? 460 00:26:27,168 --> 00:26:30,338 I remember why I tried to make this town better. 461 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,632 I want to crush that fucking mayor. 462 00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,884 I knew you'd come around, Rosie. 463 00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:37,345 And you're just in time. 464 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,848 We get our revenge tomorrow. 465 00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:41,808 The plan is all laid out. 466 00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:44,144 Count me in. What are we doing? 467 00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:47,856 Tomorrow, when Buster Thunder jumps that airplane, 468 00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:51,234 we're gonna use his national TV audience 469 00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:56,823 to present evidence that will take the mayor and Gagliardi down. 470 00:26:56,906 --> 00:26:59,784 That's amazing! Evidence from who? 471 00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,245 I'm Jim Jeffords, and I've got the scoop 472 00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:03,747 and the bubonic plague. 473 00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,499 Oh shit.