1
00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,311
There's a whole pile of wisdom here.
2
00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,355
What were you trying to tell me?
3
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,236
Hello.
This is my new tape recorder.
4
00:00:28,319 --> 00:00:31,031
I bought it today at Montgomery Ward's.
5
00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,741
It was on sale.
6
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:36,327
I also bought terry cloth, uh, shorts.
7
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:37,996
They're roomy where it counts.
8
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:39,706
Okay, okay, get to the good stuff.
9
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,624
Let's see how I sound.
10
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:46,629
I don't sound like that!
I come off like a filthy beatnik.
11
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,257
Fucking Japanese piece of garbage!
12
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:50,633
Jesus Christ.
13
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,265
Today, I saw something
that will forever change me.
14
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:02,312
I took a shit that spelled out "Ted"
in the bowl.
15
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:03,938
Jesus Christ!
16
00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:22,665
{\an8}
17
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,548
{\an8}
18
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,101
{\an8}
19
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,811
{\an8}
20
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,241
{\an8}Breaking news.
21
00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:59,244
{\an8}We just discovered
the best singer in the world,
22
00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:02,664
{\an8}Bill Murphy!
23
00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,173
"Aba Daba Honeymoon" again?
24
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:17,387
{\an8}-Frank, it's two in the morning.
25
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,097
{\an8}Can't you come to bed?
26
00:02:19,180 --> 00:02:22,058
{\an8}Sue, my dad died
wanting me to find these tapes.
27
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:25,728
{\an8}I just know there's some kind
of fatherly advice on one of these.
28
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,106
{\an8}Some wisdom
that will help me with my life.
29
00:02:28,189 --> 00:02:29,566
{\an8}
30
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:35,405
{\an8}I'll bet that Lawrence Welk
gets all kinds of tail.
31
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:37,991
A different Lennon Sister every night.
32
00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:40,410
Come on, enlighten me, you son of a bitch!
33
00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,705
{\an8}Frank, we just had a good day together
as a family.
34
00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:47,542
{\an8}The Frank at the bowling alley
was the man I fell in love with.
35
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:49,961
The Frank who grinds his teeth at night
36
00:02:50,044 --> 00:02:52,547
and mutters,
"That dead fucking bastard," is not.
37
00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:55,967
{\an8}Can't you let this go?
38
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:59,596
{\an8}All I know is it can't end like this.
All right?
39
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,389
-It can't.
40
00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:04,601
Just take it in little pieces, okay?
41
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:13,902
My feet smell so weird,
like Parmesan cheese and hair,
42
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,697
but not the good kind of hair
or the good kind of Parmesan cheese.
43
00:03:17,780 --> 00:03:20,867
Your sister and I made
our plane reservations for the 22nd.
44
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:23,036
What's my mom doing on Dad's tape?
45
00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:24,829
She's on the answering machine.
46
00:03:24,913 --> 00:03:29,626
It says we're flying on something
called "Ala-Hican"? What is that?
47
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,170
That's what Mohican is called now, Ma!
48
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:35,131
What's with all the Indian names anyway?
49
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,551
Frank, tell them to change it
to something American.
50
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,929
He's not in charge of names, Ma!
51
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,764
He told me he was a big shot!
52
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:44,307
Well, maybe he used to be--
53
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:46,976
-Out of tape.
54
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,855
Oh, inviting them for Christmas
seemed like such a good idea
55
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,857
when I was drunk and sentimental.
56
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:55,026
Oh. Oh yeah, your boss left a message too.
57
00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:58,947
He said he needs everyone to come
into work today at 10:00 a.m. sharp,
58
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:03,326
which I guess is five minutes from now.
59
00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:04,661
Fuck!
60
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,413
Buster Thunder Junior
is roaring your way!
61
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,666
Fucking Ed. Calling me in on a Sunday.
62
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,085
Rev him up and watch him crash!
63
00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:14,671
Whoa!
64
00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:17,966
-He's got spring-loaded breakaway limbs!
-Where are my keys?
65
00:04:18,049 --> 00:04:21,302
Nothing stops Buster Thunder Junior!
66
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,971
Buster Thunder Junior has been stopped!
67
00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:24,847
Christ, you can't put anything down
in this house!
68
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,141
Because of
his gruesome Thanksgiving wipeout,
69
00:04:27,225 --> 00:04:31,688
Harrah's Reno has backed out of hosting
Buster's planned jump on December 24th.
70
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:34,941
The sad folks gambling on Christmas Eve
just got a little sadder.
71
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,443
-Goddamn it.
Dad, you're blocking the TV.
72
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,279
I paid for it, I can block it!
73
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,739
And I'll tell you what, I'll put
your fucking face through it if you--
74
00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,409
Okay, okay, not doing this anymore.
75
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:45,827
Yesterday was great.
76
00:04:45,910 --> 00:04:47,036
I love you all.
77
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,789
-Let's go bowling again some other--
78
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:53,084
Shit! Give me those!
I'll put you down, you son of a bitch!
79
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,836
-Ugh.
-Ew!
80
00:04:54,919 --> 00:04:57,005
To reiterate, I love you all very much!
81
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,217
I forgot the fucking tapes
that'll bring me peace.
82
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,760
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
83
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,682
Goddamn Ed. My whole fucking life.
84
00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:10,727
I did some thinking about my life today.
85
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:14,480
Oh, great. Tell me more wisdom, Dad.
What name did you shit out now?
86
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,734
After I lost my store,
I was like a dead man,
87
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:20,278
drunk, running from failure.
88
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,739
But one year ago today,
89
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:25,491
June 23, 1970,
90
00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:29,203
I started my job
selling typewriter ribbon.
91
00:05:29,287 --> 00:05:32,915
At that moment,
my life had a purpose again.
92
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:37,086
Now that I'm working,
I have a reason to live.
93
00:05:39,213 --> 00:05:40,882
Fuck you!
94
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:44,427
I have a job, and it sucks,
you fucking dead dope.
95
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,610
Hey, what are you doing?
This is a sad song.
96
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,528
You're not supposed to laugh, you baby.
97
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,448
Oh, it's so sweet that Megan loves you,
98
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,659
which is perfect, because I need you
to watch her for a couple hours
99
00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,286
while I take Bill and Maureen shopping.
100
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,206
-Don't "ugh" me.
101
00:06:13,289 --> 00:06:17,168
I have to get the special
7.5-ply toilet paper Grandma Nora likes.
102
00:06:17,251 --> 00:06:20,171
And watching Megan
will help you take your mind off Alice.
103
00:06:20,254 --> 00:06:22,173
I know. Dad told me to give her space.
104
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,008
A hundred yards of space.
105
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,303
She has a restraining order against you.
So does the temple. Oh.
106
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,721
Thanks, you're a darling.
107
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,682
Also, stay away from the butcher.
I think he's Jewish!
108
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:40,608
Mommy, I think Daddy's friend
melted into our couch.
109
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,987
Don't you worry. He's leaving today.
Or your father is.
110
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:48,449
Georgia! We can't throw him out
when he's in this kind of trouble.
111
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:51,577
Gangsters are after him.
He's a human being!
112
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,838
Thank you again for your hospitality.
113
00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,756
You won't even know I'm here.
114
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,306
Okay, that's one sock on.
115
00:07:13,015 --> 00:07:15,184
Now for the hard one.
116
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,894
Ol' lefty.
117
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,900
He'll be gone
by the time you get back from church.
118
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:25,528
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
119
00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:29,073
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
120
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,074
Sorry, Ed.
121
00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,659
That's okay, Frank.
122
00:07:31,742 --> 00:07:34,787
We all waited in silence
for you to arrive.
123
00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,749
I've called you all in to tell you that,
124
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:43,045
unfortunately, our profits have gone down
since the merger.
125
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,591
It turns out the ad campaign
announcing our new identity
126
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:49,218
had a negative effect on sales.
127
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,112
Kids fly free!
128
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,326
In retrospect, it was a mistake
129
00:08:13,409 --> 00:08:16,829
to give Mr. Stanley Kubrick
creative carte blanche.
130
00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:21,250
The upshot is we won't be getting
any Christmas bonuses this year.
131
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,377
-Oh! What? Come on!
132
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:27,340
Ed, why did you call us in
on a Sunday morning just to tell us this?
133
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:31,219
Well, I didn't want anyone
to start spending their bonus money.
134
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,804
Guess who's Joe Namath now?
135
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:35,806
What?
136
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:40,978
Oh, I love this time of year.
137
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:45,191
The lights, the tree, the Nativity scene.
138
00:08:46,609 --> 00:08:49,070
Cool. Baby Jesus is feeding the hungry.
139
00:08:49,153 --> 00:08:53,407
Uh, yeah... Why don't you go in here
and get something for your father, hmm?
140
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,077
Um, at the adult diaper store?
141
00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:59,288
Just stay out of trouble. I have to...
142
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,959
Apologize to Uncle Louis
for lying to him at Thanksgiving?
143
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,212
I wouldn't exactly say it was lying.
144
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,672
Which is a lie.
145
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:09,799
Hi-ya!
146
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:11,968
Arigatou gozaimashita.
147
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:14,554
Arigatou gozaimashita.
148
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,848
Oh, fuck.
149
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:20,184
Oh, fuck.
150
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,939
Let's buy something cheap for Dad
and split the rest on candy.
151
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,693
Later, loser.
152
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:29,986
Hey, Jesse!
153
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,822
Billy, am I glad to see you!
154
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:36,742
You want to yell at cars for a minute
while I take a mother of a piss?
155
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,202
Do I?!
156
00:09:38,286 --> 00:09:39,829
Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.
157
00:09:42,206 --> 00:09:44,458
Piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss, piss.
158
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:48,546
I have my doubts about your divinity,
159
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:51,924
but that doesn't mean a crow
should eat your face.
160
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:55,553
I hope this evil eye
gives you peace, Baby Jesus.
161
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:58,306
Ah, come on. It's Christmas!
What are we supposed to do?
162
00:09:58,389 --> 00:09:59,807
I am fucked.
163
00:09:59,890 --> 00:10:03,019
I keep the receipts when I get a burger
but not this?
164
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:04,895
It's pure capybara!
165
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,773
Fellas, I have good news.
166
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:11,152
I conveyed your justified bellyaching
to management,
167
00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,988
and they said
whoever can come up with an idea
168
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,532
to repair our image and boost profits
169
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:20,036
will get the full Christmas bonus
and a promotion.
170
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:23,456
So, even if this works,
only one of us will do okay?
171
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,915
The rest can go screw?
172
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:28,169
In the immortal words of Gandhi, "Yes."
173
00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:29,920
-That's bullshit!
-What?
174
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,922
I don't know how many times
you want me to say it,
175
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,133
but I'm so sorry I lied to you.
176
00:10:34,216 --> 00:10:36,260
Can you ever forgive me?
177
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:40,056
Or at least acknowledge
that I'm talking to you?
178
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,849
You know, you really hurt me.
179
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,768
It was only because I love you
180
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:47,146
and I wanted everything to be okay
with our family again.
181
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,858
I don't want to go another 15 years
without us talking.
182
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:52,985
I am so, so sorry that I--
183
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,945
Okay, Sue. You can stop.
184
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,155
You forgive me?
185
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:57,073
A little.
186
00:10:57,156 --> 00:11:00,368
But mostly because my next class starts
in five minutes
187
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,161
and I need to get you
the hell out of here.
188
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:03,120
I'll take it.
189
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:06,040
And I'm sorry about Thanksgiving too.
190
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:08,376
I shouldn't have called Frank
a balding piece of shit.
191
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,920
It was the balding part
that upset him most.
192
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,588
He didn't know.
193
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:16,801
Hey, do you want to come
to our Christmas party?
194
00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:20,721
We could have eggnog
and get into another screaming fight.
195
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,015
Sure, I'll come to your Christmas party.
196
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,017
Oh, that's wonderful!
197
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:28,729
Sue! You're fucking my sensei?
Does Frank know about this,
198
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,190
or are we keeping it on the hush-hush,
like the bald thing?
199
00:11:31,273 --> 00:11:32,692
Vic, she's my sister.
200
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,819
Sensei Lou is your brother?
201
00:11:34,902 --> 00:11:36,320
Oh man.
202
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,197
I knew you weren't Japanese, man.
203
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,116
Wait, are you
one of those Caucasian Japanese,
204
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:41,909
like the guest stars on Hawaii Five-O?
205
00:11:41,992 --> 00:11:43,202
Vic is my neighbor.
206
00:11:43,285 --> 00:11:47,331
Oh, you're the drug addict
Sue has told me so much about.
207
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:51,585
And you're the hot piece of ass
who raises the shit out of her kids!
208
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:53,129
Thank you, Vic.
209
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,088
You earned it.
210
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:55,798
Girl, you know you're fine.
211
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,509
If I was a biscuit and you was gravy,
I'd sop you.
212
00:11:58,592 --> 00:11:59,427
Mm.
213
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:01,846
She's been teaching me and my friends
all about parenting.
214
00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,681
She's like a sensei for babies.
215
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:05,307
I'm glad you're finding a path.
216
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:09,019
Well, I mean, it's fun,
but I wouldn't call it a path.
217
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,021
I tell you, Sue,
you should start a business.
218
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:12,565
You could make some real money.
219
00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,775
Tiger guy money! You know what I'm saying?
220
00:12:14,859 --> 00:12:16,861
I don't know. Where would I do it?
221
00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:18,070
Well, how about here?
222
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,157
There's plenty of open space,
it's all padded,
223
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,409
and I don't have any classes
Monday and Wednesday afternoons.
224
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:27,955
And none of my friends have real jobs!
Let's do this!
225
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:31,250
That's the death house
where the lady killed her husband.
226
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,586
That's Mr. Goomer's house.
227
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,047
-Blech.
228
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:39,925
If your underwear goes missing, it's him.
229
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,137
Also, if you go missing, it's him.
230
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,932
You're gonna have so much fun
growing up in this neighborhood.
231
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:52,271
Well, it looks like
we all had a really good day.
232
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:54,356
I gave Baby Jesus his eye back!
233
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,776
And I got that nickel out of Megan's ear!
234
00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,112
Okay, not listening, in a Christmas mood.
235
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,906
Frank, we just had the most--
236
00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:04,116
Okay, okay, airplane roulette.
237
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,452
You find out where you're going
when you get there.
238
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:09,705
No, uh, guaranteed sober pilots.
239
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,540
No, I'd never get that past the union.
240
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,752
Uh, come on, Frank! Come on, Frank.
Think! Think!
241
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:16,003
Frank, are you all right?
242
00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,923
Does it look like I'm all right?
The airline's going down the shitter!
243
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:20,257
Oh no.
244
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,384
And the only chance
to get my Christmas bonus
245
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:26,013
is to come up with some brilliant idea
to save everything.
246
00:13:26,096 --> 00:13:29,683
And I got this asshole
telling me how great work is.
247
00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:33,729
Buster Thunder Junior
has vowed to come back!
248
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,564
Turn that shit off! I'm trying to think!
249
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,234
It wouldn't bother you
if I had a TV in my room.
250
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,362
You won't be bothering me in ten minutes
when I put my foot up your ass!
251
00:13:41,445 --> 00:13:43,697
Harrah's Reno is a coward.
252
00:13:43,781 --> 00:13:47,493
My last jump was watched
by pret' near 40 million people.
253
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:51,455
Charles Bronson in person on every flight.
Nah, that doesn't make sense!
254
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,916
I'll be ready to go on Christmas Eve.
255
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:57,753
The contract with the TV network
is already signed.
256
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:02,633
I will come to your town
and jump whatever the hell you set up.
257
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:03,801
You name it!
258
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:05,219
Oh my God.
259
00:14:05,302 --> 00:14:07,763
I need the action!
260
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,807
And I need morphine.
261
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,892
I can feel my legs!
262
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:12,810
That's it.
263
00:14:12,893 --> 00:14:14,937
Ah, I just got the idea!
264
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,939
I'll get my bonus now!
265
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,985
Sue, I'm gonna save Ala-Hican!
And I just saved Christmas!
266
00:14:21,068 --> 00:14:23,737
Well, we would've had
a good Christmas anyway.
267
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,364
With just the family?
268
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:28,117
It would've sucked, Sue, but I saved it!
269
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:31,120
And the key to happiness
did come from my job.
270
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,205
My dad was right!
271
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,165
That wonderful man!
272
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:38,252
Get over here, you dead bastard! Mwah!
273
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,004
Maybe he was right about everything!
274
00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,172
I'm gonna go take a shit
and see what it spells!
275
00:14:46,385 --> 00:14:49,430
Ed, I got it.
The big idea to get our profits up.
276
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:50,890
I'm all ears.
277
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,560
Well, if that were true,
I'd be some sort of monster.
278
00:14:54,643 --> 00:14:58,105
I have two ears,
but they are both listening to you.
279
00:14:58,188 --> 00:14:59,857
Good. Get a load of this.
280
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,152
We get Buster Thunder Junior
281
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:07,781
to jump one of our 747s here, on live TV.
282
00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,117
It'll be a free commercial for Ala-Hican.
283
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,119
On Christmas Eve, 50 million Americans
284
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:14,914
will be talking about
how exciting this airline is
285
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,291
and not about
our horrific midair collision.
286
00:15:17,374 --> 00:15:20,419
Unless we have a midair collision
between now and then.
287
00:15:20,502 --> 00:15:23,839
But the odds of that are fifty-fifty.
288
00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,594
I'll take that action! Great idea, Murphy!
289
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,640
It's gonna be one hell
of a Merry Christmas.
290
00:16:14,723 --> 00:16:19,061
Bouncing on the balls really soothes them,
and it gives you time to watch TV.
291
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,940
Let's end with another song
from Kangaroo Kevin.
292
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:25,192
It's a happy song I wrote for you guys.
293
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:28,320
It's called "Baby Bong Bong."
294
00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:29,363
I hope you like it.
295
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,749
Thank you, baby class!
296
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,171
-What?
297
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:55,472
Aw, damn.
298
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:58,892
I was just about to go in there
and restock the candy bars!
299
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,895
The fuck I'm gonna do
with all these Charleston Chews?
300
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:05,482
That fucking mayor's only doing this
to get back at me for standing up to him.
301
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,109
Who the hell told you to do that?
302
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,944
You did, when you voted for me!
303
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,237
I don't vote anymore.
304
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:11,655
That's how they get you.
305
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:16,160
They lock you in that booth, and they
give you the ol' Tuskegee one-two!
306
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411
Man, you're paranoid.
307
00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:20,164
I know! They gave me syphilis!
308
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,374
Well, what in the hell
we gonna do about this mayor?
309
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,792
I have a plan.
310
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,880
Ah! Oh my God, he's real?
311
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:30,716
I thought it was the ghost of Mama Cass.
312
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,134
I get that a lot.
313
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,761
I want to help you.
314
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,721
And you can help me.
315
00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,806
We have mutual enemies.
316
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:41,560
Like booths in restaurants
where the table doesn't move,
317
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:45,481
the mayor is in cahoots
with the mobsters trying to kill me.
318
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,817
Cahoots? You just don't throw
that kind of word around.
319
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,944
Oh, cahoots they are in.
320
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:55,407
But we can un-hoot them if we team up,
321
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,951
like peanut butter and jelly
322
00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,204
or peanut butter and bacon
323
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,247
or peanut butter and chitlins
324
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:03,749
or peanut butter...
325
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:07,628
You better stop me
before I open another restaurant.
326
00:18:07,711 --> 00:18:08,629
-Hmm?
327
00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:12,841
My God.
That's where I got married.
328
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,719
What's the point? We can't win.
329
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:19,681
Sorry, Pogo, but I'm done with you,
and I'm done fighting.
330
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,227
I'm taking my kid to the mall
to meet Santa Claus.
331
00:18:23,310 --> 00:18:28,732
He's a fat man who can't help me either,
but at least he gives out candy canes.
332
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,986
Peanut butter and candy canes.
333
00:18:36,031 --> 00:18:38,742
-Ooh.
334
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,286
Ah, we're doing a lot better
this Christmas than last year.
335
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,248
I'm getting my bonus,
thanks to my big idea,
336
00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,416
and everyone's signing up for Sue's class!
337
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,545
It's incredible how many parents
have no idea what the fuck they're doing.
338
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,172
This could be the start
of something big for me.
339
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:55,259
And it's all thanks to Louis
letting me use his dojo.
340
00:18:55,342 --> 00:18:56,510
Where is Louis?
341
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:59,054
He's over there, getting "Throatered."
342
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,932
Is there a Mrs. Karate Instructor?
343
00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:02,850
I'm gay.
344
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,268
Aw.
345
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:06,186
Well, even on Christmas?
346
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,981
-Especially on Christmas.
-Hm.
347
00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:11,233
-Hey, Ev.
-Hi.
348
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:16,572
Listen, I was thinking
about going to the bathroom. Inside.
349
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:18,073
It's too late for that.
350
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,658
What will it take?
351
00:19:19,741 --> 00:19:21,076
A Christmas miracle.
352
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,872
I'm trying, Ev! Don't give up on me!
353
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:28,876
Francis, what a fun party.
You have such wonderful friends.
354
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:29,793
Thanks, Ma.
355
00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:35,007
It's amazing how you managed
to cram them all into this tiny house.
356
00:19:35,090 --> 00:19:39,261
Don't shit on Frank's tiny house, Ma.
Yours is no Taj Mahal.
357
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:42,556
Well, it'd be roomier
if you ever found a man and got married.
358
00:19:42,639 --> 00:19:44,057
I'm working on it!
359
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:48,562
Yeah, some work. You haven't had
a date in a year. I say work harder.
360
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:56,111
You punks are here
because you broke the law.
361
00:19:56,195 --> 00:20:00,282
Stick with us, and maybe
you'll be a success like Bill Murphy.
362
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,327
Or you could keep being thugs
363
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:08,415
and earn a one-way ticket here
with these hardened prisoners.
364
00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:14,171
You mess with Nguyen-Nguyen, you are dead.
365
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:17,049
Don't believe me? Ask husband.
366
00:20:17,132 --> 00:20:19,968
Oh, that's right, you can't. I killed him.
367
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:24,848
Oh, you make
a pee-pee in your pants, big man?
368
00:20:24,932 --> 00:20:27,893
Wait till I make you act out Kojak
with me.
369
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:31,396
"The Strange Case
of the Disappearing Lollipop."
370
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,482
-It go in your ass.
371
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:59,216
He creeps me out,
but I'm getting goosebumps on my balls.
372
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,133
Oh.
373
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,892
That's the man I married.
374
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,603
I love you, Walter Bartnett.
375
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,855
I love you, Mary Margaret.
376
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,065
Aw.
377
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:16,358
What?
378
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:18,068
That was fun, Daddy.
379
00:21:18,151 --> 00:21:19,903
How come Santa Claus was white?
380
00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:23,323
Because the mall
is on the other side of the bridge, baby.
381
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:24,825
-Damn it.
382
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,745
Just stay still
and don't say a word, honey.
383
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:34,293
Evening, Officer.
384
00:21:34,376 --> 00:21:36,962
You're far from home. You lost?
385
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:40,007
No, we just went to see Santa Claus
at the mall.
386
00:21:40,090 --> 00:21:42,134
I'm Alderman Roosevelt, by the way.
387
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,844
Alderman Roosevelt?
388
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,221
What is that,
some kind of Duke Ellington shit?
389
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:50,642
No. I'm a city alderman.
I represent the Twelfth Ward.
390
00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:54,479
Well, this is the First Ward, Alderman.
391
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:58,066
Come on, man. We really gonna do this?
392
00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,901
Wanna step out of the car, big man?
393
00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,158
Hands on the trunk.
394
00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:10,412
I know the drill.
Just like the last 15 times.
395
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,623
Well, here's a twist,
sit on the curb.
396
00:22:29,598 --> 00:22:33,643
Mayor Tangenti told us
to send you his regards.
397
00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:35,645
Yeah, I'm, uh, downtown.
398
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,158
It's okay, honey.
399
00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:50,535
Let's go home.
400
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:58,752
Tangenti's gonna love us.
401
00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:01,213
Bill, that's how you make captain.
402
00:23:01,296 --> 00:23:03,215
All right, let's get Billy home.
403
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,425
He's had enough Christmas cheer
for one night.
404
00:23:26,530 --> 00:23:27,489
Ah, Christ.
405
00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:31,660
-My fucking life.
406
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:45,048
I've struck out with every man here.
407
00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:47,801
I don't know why. You're so pretty.
408
00:23:47,884 --> 00:23:50,095
I can barely see your mustache.
409
00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:51,012
Aw.
410
00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:52,389
Thank you!
411
00:23:59,980 --> 00:24:03,275
She had a baby in a manger,
and it was silent?
412
00:24:03,358 --> 00:24:06,278
-Must've been a man who wrote that.
-Well, that's right.
413
00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:07,821
-We have no empathy.
-Mm-hmm.
414
00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:10,532
Ooh! Sue, look at that. It's almost eight.
415
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,785
I got to run to the airport and go over
things for Buster Thunder's jump tomorrow.
416
00:24:13,869 --> 00:24:16,037
I know. You told me. It's fine.
417
00:24:16,121 --> 00:24:17,539
Is it really?
418
00:24:17,622 --> 00:24:20,208
Or is this one of these times
where you say, "It's fine,"
419
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,711
but later, when I get home,
you won't let me sleep in the bed?
420
00:24:22,794 --> 00:24:25,589
Frank, I'm serious. I understand.
421
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:28,175
Tomorrow's your big day. Go.
422
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:32,429
You know what? You know...
You know what? You know what?
423
00:24:32,512 --> 00:24:37,184
Like I said, I don't know what,
but I am dying to find out!
424
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:40,812
Guys, guys, I'm so sorry,
but I'm needed at the airport.
425
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:44,274
Your old man is going to go meet
Buster Thunder.
426
00:24:44,357 --> 00:24:46,943
Junior? He's the coolest!
427
00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:51,114
You're leaving your mother
who came all the way from California?
428
00:24:51,198 --> 00:24:54,826
Well, I guess that airport
spent all day giving birth to you
429
00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:58,371
with a fourth-degree tear
from that giant head of yours.
430
00:24:58,455 --> 00:25:01,374
Fourth-degree? Ha! You had it easy!
431
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:04,085
I put my mommy in a coma.
432
00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:05,962
Mom, I got to go. I'm an important man.
433
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:08,840
Oh, you're acting
just like your father right now.
434
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:13,803
He used to leave on Christmas too,
because he was an important man.
435
00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:15,764
"The Polio King."
436
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,140
I had polio.
437
00:25:17,224 --> 00:25:18,725
Hey, you leave Dad alone.
438
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:21,561
I'm not gonna stand here
and listen to you tear him down.
439
00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:25,440
You hated your father! Are you forgetting
he beat you with a crutch?
440
00:25:25,524 --> 00:25:28,318
Just that once!
Rest of the time he used a belt.
441
00:25:28,401 --> 00:25:29,778
Why are you defending him?
442
00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:33,406
Okay, yeah.
He was a real son of a bitch to me.
443
00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:37,285
But he spent his last minutes on Earth
trying to set things right between us.
444
00:25:37,827 --> 00:25:39,412
He was finally looking out for me.
445
00:25:39,496 --> 00:25:42,624
He was telling me
that a man's work gives him purpose.
446
00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:44,793
So I'm going to the airport now.
447
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:46,920
That's my purpose, Mom!
448
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:51,258
You're gonna just leave your kids
on the third holiest night of the year?
449
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:52,717
-I don't care.
-We want him to go.
450
00:25:52,801 --> 00:25:54,094
Yeah, he's a time bomb.
451
00:25:54,177 --> 00:25:55,929
See, Ma? They get me!
452
00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,765
Merry fucking Christmas.
453
00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:03,853
I am so glad I came.
454
00:26:06,439 --> 00:26:08,900
-Ah! Jesus Christ!
455
00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:13,029
Frank, you'll never guess
what I just discovered about myself.
456
00:26:13,113 --> 00:26:15,824
I kind of guessed it when I met you.
Out of my car!
457
00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:19,619
You know what the best part
of the pigeon is, don't you?
458
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:24,457
If you say "skin" one more time,
I'll cut you open and sleep inside you.
459
00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:27,085
-Pogo.
-Rosie?
460
00:26:27,168 --> 00:26:30,338
I remember why I tried
to make this town better.
461
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,632
I want to crush that fucking mayor.
462
00:26:32,716 --> 00:26:34,884
I knew you'd come around, Rosie.
463
00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:37,345
And you're just in time.
464
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,848
We get our revenge tomorrow.
465
00:26:39,931 --> 00:26:41,808
The plan is all laid out.
466
00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:44,144
Count me in. What are we doing?
467
00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:47,856
Tomorrow, when Buster Thunder
jumps that airplane,
468
00:26:47,939 --> 00:26:51,234
we're gonna use his national TV audience
469
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:56,823
to present evidence that will take
the mayor and Gagliardi down.
470
00:26:56,906 --> 00:26:59,784
That's amazing! Evidence from who?
471
00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:02,245
I'm Jim Jeffords, and I've got the scoop
472
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:03,747
and the bubonic plague.
473
00:27:03,830 --> 00:27:06,499
Oh shit.