Partner, today we take our first swing
at starting a life in the wet dream factory.
Our future is on the other side of this sad and filthy door.
Let me do the talking.
- Back away, or I'll blast you in the face!
Mr. Teatson, we'd be honored to take a load in the face from you.
Fucking mayor, shoving his tollway in my face.
Let me slam a float into that cracker,
they would've thrown my ass to the crowd instead of those turkeys.
This turkey's pretty good though.
I know how savory it is!
I am stopping that tollway today!
It's time to score one for the little man.
Ho, ho, ho. Any minute now, Santa will arrive
to throw open the stores for wonderful day-after-Thanksgiving sales!
And we politely ask that you storm in for bargains in an orderly fashion.
Anyone gets in my way, I'll stab 'em in the guts!
And keep-a the Christ in Christmas-a!
Look, Megan, it's almost Santa time!
She doesn't speak English, Mom.
Alice speaks English.
Kevin, this is a family day. Try to forget about Alice
You heard your mother. Get Christmassy, goddamn it!
I can't.
Everywhere I look, she's there.
She's there.
She-- Holy shit, she really is there!
Oh, Alice, I miss the smell of your hair!
You're gonna miss your head from your body, you fuck!
- Alice? - Still me, asshole!
Ah, he's hopeless. At least Bill's making me proud.
Boys, it's almost go time.
Now remember, these people may be your friends and neighbors,
but when these stores open,
they will trample a one-legged invalid
just to save a buck on one of those dolls that pisses itself.
So, stand behind us when the shit goes down at Santa's Wonderland.
Eh, good job, Billy!
Honey, I'm gonna sneak out early.
I got some shopping to do for Mrs. Claus.
Come on, Frank. You're not shopping. Don't lie to me.
You're gonna go on a wild-goose chase with that key you found.
Sue, I swear to you, this isn't a wild-goose chase.
- It's a regular-goose chase!
This key is the one.
It has a 16 on it. I just have to find out where it fits.
Frank! This is our family day.
Come on, who's kidding who?
We all know this family's happiest moments are when I walk out that door.
I hear the applause.
When I see you tonight, I'll have this all figured out. Mwah.
Don't wait up.
Here comes Santa!
Santa!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
What about the Jews, you frozen dildo?
That was for you, Alice!
Are you here?
Santa's got a sack full of toys for children of all ages!
Oh, you think, because you were wearing a Santa suit, that suck job was free?
Give me that bag!
Oh, Mommy's got your Christmas, Quincy! And like Santa, it came early.
You promised Santa eye contact, and you never looked up once!
- Oh, free goodies!
All right, let's all just stay calm.
You just fucked with the wrong little warrior!
- These animals get worse every year.
Don't worry, sir. Rustvale's finest are here to protect you.
We're going in, boys. Watch and learn.
Our first riot.
Thank you, Santa.
This'll be fun, Maureen.
A shopping day for just the Murphy girls, doing girl stuff.
Let's get your father some underwear for Christmas.
Oh, Bridget's here!
She can help me fix Daddy.
Bye, Mom! Don't wait up!
Hmm. Well, guess it's just you and me, Megan.
Oh, she can't understand English.
I know that, but everyone else left me!
Want to use the evil eye to summon my grandpa's spirit?
Does my dad steal coins from the fountain?
Oh, a 50-cent piece!
I'm keeping you somewhere safe.
Num. See you in three days, Mr. President.
Please stop crying. Please stop crying.
Isn't it enough you kept me up all night? Please stop.
I will do anything!
I will kill a nun!
Hey, Vic, uh, let me show you a little trick.
I get it, Susie Q. Like rolling a tight fatty.
Or swaddling a baby.
Look at that connection. Just like me and Frank.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm having a few friends with little ones over at my house later,
and you and Megan should come by.
Oh, Vic, thank you so much, but I don't think so.
I've got lots of stuff to do today...
with the family.
Oh, yeah, staring at your feet. That's a party.
Don't go too crazy now.
And when that young man opened the box his late father left him,
he found a note from his dad saying,
"You will grow up to achieve fame throughout the world."
And that young man's name?
The guy who killed William McKinley.
Lucky no-name bastard.
Here's a song about another man on a search for meaning,
on WKWBG, the background music for your life.
I need a ticket to the city with the fewest Italians in it.
That would be Rome, New York.
Leaving town, Robert?
Have you forgotten about the money you still owe me?
If I say yes, does that mean I don't have to pay you?
- No! No! Please!
My ticket's nonrefundable!
Come on.
You son of a bitch.
Hey! Leave that alone, you hobo!
I'm not a hobo. I'm just a lost soul looking for answers!
Well, unless you're catching a bus or cruising for anonymous sex,
get the fuck out of my station!
Hey! Hey! You can't tow me! I had the flashers on!
That's the international symbol for "I'll be right back"!
Even when you're dead, you're still a pain in my ass.
Working the mall really paid off this year.
Nothing like a nice riot
to make the store owners appreciate what we do for them.
- So they just give you money? - Give? Ha, we earn it.
Do you boys have any idea the balls it takes
to walk up to a car you just pulled over at two o'clock in the morning,
not knowing what's on the other side of that window,
or if you'll ever see your wife and kids again?
I'm in my jammies by seven, so, no.
This is a tip of the cap for what we do the rest of the year. Understand?
Yes, Officer O'Rourke.
So some day when I'm a cop, I might get a tip?
You probably won't live to see that,
but since it's Christmas, step into the evidence cage,
or as we call it, "the gift shop."
You fellas go in there and take one thing each
from the bin marked "inadmissible."
- Just don't take guns!
Those are for our kids.
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas!
Oh, maple-syrup stogies!
I'm Colt Luger's friend who tells him what the word on the street is
and then gets killed!
I got cartoons!
They were seized in a tax fraud case.
Willfully failing to file a tax return?
Oh, that's what Al Capone did!
Bring me the stuff on this list,
and we can use it to raise the spirit of your dead grandpa.
This looks like a shopping list for you.
"Cans of soup, toilet paper, a training bra, syringes, hot dogs."
Not the snappy kind! Ghosts hate that.
Hey, this is important to me.
Me too. I need that bra. My buds are about to pop.
I mean it! I have to talk to my grandfather.
This is my chance to be my dad's princess again.
I'm sorry.
Okay, go home, get something that belonged to your grandpa,
and meet me in the graveyard at sundown.
We'll summon the restless spirit of the dead.
Just one hot dog. I don't even need a bun.
Isn't this fun, Megan?
Ah!
Yeah, I'm with you.
- Thank you, Funeral Academy of America.
Oh, hell with it.
Huh? I'm sorry, Sue. Were we too loud?
I'll ask the babies to keep the giggling down to a respectable level.
Actually, Vic, I thought we'd take you up on your invitation.
All right! Put your binky in the bowl and come on in!
Hey, everybody, this is Sue Murphy!
Sue, these are my closest parent friends.
Water Couch Guy, Van Mural Guy, Toad Guy, and their lovely chicks.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
- Hello.
A lot of young parents, huh?
Yeah, well, we all had babies around the same time.
There must be something in the water.
- One, two, three, baby!
One, two, three, baby!
We're all out of weed,
and I still feel like shit.
You failed me!
- Dada. - Whoa! Take it easy on the baby, Kevin.
What'd she ever do to you except help you see dragons?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just thought me and Alice would be together forever.
That was never gonna happen.
Jewish girls date Gentile guys for practice,
but they'll always marry a Jew.
No way, really?
Oh, yeah, it's in the Talmud, and that's what I'm counting on.
I'm gonna be the dude Sandy Moskowitz settles for
after she's done banging all the Irish and Italian guys in my grade.
Well, too bad you're not Jewish.
Stupid fucking parents!
Unless...
Kevin?
Mr. Hickelnuber, could you teach me how to be Jewish real quick?
Mr. Teatson, we want to work for you.
You're our hero.
Your films have taught us so much about life.
And fucking.
Your early work revolutionized the "slurp and derp."
That means the world to me.
We've watched the first two minutes of your masterpiece, Sex College,
over a hundred times at our hometown peep show emporium.
Please let us show you our original porno, Fuck School.
Huh. That's a new area.
And it is making me a little horny.
Listen, I have a daisy chain in Van Nuys I'm already late for, okay?
Come back at five, and if I'm still alive,
we can discuss your future in smut over a Nicoise salad.
"Nicoise," that's French for "pussy."
Come on, Sue. You got no life. Pick up the goddamn phone.
You've reached the Murphy's. We're not here right now--
Fuck you and your phony chipper attitude! You hate that machine!
Christ, your whole life's a lie!
- Frank Murphy! - Smokey!
Oh, am I happy to see you.
They towed my car away.
You should've put your flashers on, you dumb motherfucker!
I had them on the whole fucking time!
Don't yell at me, Frank Murphy.
Ah, I'm sorry, Smokey. I'm all worked up.
Well, hop in. I'll give you a lift.
The impound lot's next to the slaughterhouse.
Those cow killers love their Baby Ruths.
Breaking down a heifer does a number on the blood sugar.
Speaking of which, take the wheel, I'm going...
- I'm going out. - Ah, shit.
Officer Glanney is so cool. I wish I had him for a dad.
You know what? Fuck being a priest. I'm just gonna be a cop now.
If Saint Peter won't let me into heaven,
I'll just plant some cocaine on him.
Oh, wow!
Look at that!
Song of the Slaves starring Plantation Amos!
And it's a Sy Jewison!
Being a slave must've been zany.
Let's go inside.
This is where I found my love for musicals.
Three, please. We're with the force.
Oh, how adorable. Two dollars.
What the hell? We're junior cops!
We're out there putting it on the line for you!
We don't know if we'll ever see our wife and kids again!
That means we're supposed to get free stuff.
Two dollars.
We don't have two dollars!
Fuck this place!
You know what we're gonna do?
Burn the mother to the ground?
No. We're gonna tip our caps to ourselves.
We can show your cartoons to kids in the neighborhood and charge money.
We'll be showing initiative and animated hijinks.
And then in 1290,
King Edward the First threw all the Jews out of England.
He called it the "Edict of Expulsion."
The Jews called it Tuesday.
Uh, yeah, that's great, but I have a question.
Do you think Alice will take me back if I learn about Jewyism?
What if I get a perm?
Well, first of all, it's Judaism,
and secondly, I have to get ready to walk to temple.
But here's something that'll tell you all you need to know about our faith
in a way a youth like yourself can relate to.
"Take my wife, please"?
This is perfect!
Thanks, Mr. Hamburger Helper.
It's Mr...
Never mind.
Basically, if you licked a toad anytime in the last three years,
chances are it might've come from my tank.
Okay. But my question was, where are all the babies?
They're hanging ten on the water couch.
Oh, no, no, no, no! You can't leave a baby on a couch like that. They could roll off.
So we should put them on the coke table?
No, no, that's not good either.
It's the only way we know to get them to stop crying.
If you want them to calm down, let's bring them over here on the floor.
Oh!
- I never thought of that. - She knows her shit, man.
She's got four young’uns.
You must have loved every second of pregnancy.
So I thought this key would fit a lock around here somewhere,
but it didn't.
I might never know what my father was trying to tell me when he died.
Aw, Frank, that's rough.
You know, I'm losing my house to a tollway.
Only thing I got in my fridge is onions.
I lost 14 brothers and sisters before they was 20.
And this morning, a cop put a gun to my head
and said he was gonna send me straight to hell
if I didn't give him a box of Zagnuts.
I'm real sorry if you having trouble finding a keyhole.
Hey, come on! My key!
Fuck your key and your problems, Frank Murphy!
Now, I'll take you to your car.
But first you got to help me slide some Hershey bars,
and I'll fill your dumb ass up with some wisdom.
Mayor Tangenti is trying to destroy your neighborhood
just to get revenge on me.
Are we gonna let him get away with that?
No!
- Maybe. - Shut up, Reggie!
I've come up with a plan to stop this tollway forever,
if we all sign this petition
to have the rec center labeled a historic landmark.
I mean, this is where point shaving was invented!
The people have a voice in this town!
And we gonna send a message to the mayor that is loud and clear!
- Clear! - That's what I said, clear!
- No, get out of the way! - What the fuck? Shit!
Sue, you finally found a use for this boat rock shit.
It's like kiddie kush.
Thank you.
And doing the bicycle with their legs gets the circulation going.
Plus, it's really cute.
Oh.
I never thought of that.
So insightful. What do we do when we're done with this?
Well, you can roll them on their stomach.
- Oh.
Holy fucking shit!
- You don't understand, Smokey. I-- - I understand plenty!
You feeling sorry for yourself
'cause your dead daddy left you some box somewhere in some fucking place.
That don't mean dick.
I feel like I can't move forward unless I find it.
And then maybe it'll explain why my dad was the way he was to me.
Let me tell you what my brother said right before he was executed.
Well, the very last thing he said was, "Joke's on you, Warden."
"I haven't pooped since my bond hearing."
But what he said before that was this.
Don't let yourself become a hostage to your past.
There's some things in life you just can't change.
All you'll get from trying to open it again
is a wound that'll never heal.
And that wound will scab, and you'll want to pick it,
till you get a bigger wound and a bigger scab.
Then you're all scab.
Next thing you know, a doctor and four orderlies are strapping you down,
sticking needles all in you to take away the pain.
Then you're hooked on that shit.
Then you follow the doctor home to get more of them drugs.
And you kill him when he say he don't keep drugs in the house. Idiot.
Then you wind up in the electric chair
with a belly full of last-meal chili to shit all over the warden.
Here's your car, Frank. And here's your key.
Now, if you're smart, you'll realize it don't matter where it fit.
Step right up
for a night of never-before-seen, direct-from-the-police-evidence-locker,
bootleg Sleepy Ramirez cartoons.
You are the first kids to see these
aside from the Bangladeshi children that animated them.
Are you ready for some fun?
Spirit of William F. Murphy,
we summon you from your tortured rest.
Tell us, what were you trying to say to my dad when you died?
And when two angels bone, do they explode and become a star?
Grandpa Bill...
- We summon you! - We summon you!
Is that you, Grandpa?
Oh my God, his soul is anguishing in purgatory.
Done.
I guess we're even now.
You're very fair, letting me just dig a hole
to square my thousands of dollars of debt.
Are you putting in a fountain?
You should've paid me, Robert.
You can't kill me here! I'll never be found!
So babies shouldn't have chicken bones.
There's so much we can learn from you!
Can we do this every week?
Well, if you think I'd be helpful, I could check my schedule.
I'll make it worth your while.
You got a gift, Sue,
so I want to give you something that's very dear to me,
$65.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to.
I don't have a lot of money,
but let me know when you want erotic art painted on your car.
My specialty is big-breasted Vikings,
but I can also do big-breasted dragons.
This is a Cambodian tree frog.
On the house.
Lick it and watch the Zapruder film.
Questions answered. Jackie did it.
Gee, thanks, but, uh, I'm trying to quit.
What the fuck?
Please, no! I'm not supposed to go like this!
A gypsy told me I'd die on or around the Space Needle!
No!
- We're making my grandpa mad. - No!
- This was a bad idea. - No!
- Don't go chicken-shit on me now. - No!
- Let me go!
- You're on your own, chicken-shit! - Wait for me!
Goodbye, my friend.
It's the ghosts of those circus midgets we killed!
They're all coming out of the same grave!
- Ah!
Kneecapping really hurts!
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
I will get you!
- Your melted ass is mine! - Ah!
And so when God bestows his blessings and gifts on you,
remember one thing,
keep it to yourself.
He makes that same joke every single week, and it's still funny.
Test, test. One, two, three.
- The shiksa's schmear schmells schwell. - Kevin?
- Oh dear. - Kevin!
Alice and your fellow tribesmen, greetings and mazel.
I know I've caused you a lot of "sh... shpilkes,"
but I was wondering if you could be a mensch and forgive me.
And if you do, I'll be happy to schlep you to and from school,
and you wouldn't even have to touch my schmeckle.
What are you doing?
- He's compensating for the trauma-- - Shut up, Dad!
It's the golem!
- Maureen?
Holy fuck!
Don't worry, I got it. Now, where was I?
Who is responsible for this act of desecration?
I didn't mean to! I just asked for advice from Mr. Holtenwasser.
You pick now to know my name?
- This was a fun day after all, wasn't it?
Uh, huh?
Goddamn kids!
Think electricity grows on trees?
Here you go, Mr. Teatson.
Several weeks in the making,
rescued from an unconstitutional police raid,
but now in your hands.
Break out the lube and grease up your tube.
We proudly present Fuck School.
Animated porn.
Oh, this will kill in Japan.
If this is a cartoon, then where the hell is Fuck School?
- Professor Screw-well,
there must be some way for me to make up being late to school.
You need an insertion of discipline.
- Bill!
- What the fuck is this?
- Dad! - Bill!
Sue, don't look! Don't look!
Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!
Ugh! No, no, no! Get it off me! Get it off me!
- Ah!
I can't go on.
Oh, what are you doing here?
This is my what-the-fuck- did-I-do-with-my-life bridge!
Hello, Rosie.
The most unbelievable thing happened tonight.
I ran!
I wish I hadn't turned that tree frog down.
I could really use a lick.
Sue, I can't unravel a metaphor right now, okay?
I had a wall of dicks in my face today.
- Hey, guys. - And here's another.
So, um, a... a rabbi is gonna call you in a little bit.
Just know something, he is a liar.
You've reached the Murphy's. We're not here right now,
but if you can figure out how to leave a message on this thing...
...be our guest.
Hello, this is Rabbi Moishe Feinstein
from Temple Beth Rustvale.
As you know, my faith prohibits me from using a telephone on the Sabbath,
but a Gentile fireman...
Let's be honest, that's any fireman.
...has kindly dialed for me.
God forgives many sins but not arson,
especially of an anti-Semitic nature.
Unlike the burning bush,
the fire your son caused this evening
did consume my temple's beautiful front lawn
and our sign,
which, of course, was donated by Sammy Davis Jr.
when I helped him convert from Black.