1
00:00:12,595 --> 00:00:15,223
Partner, today we take our first swing
2
00:00:15,306 --> 00:00:18,435
at starting a life
in the wet dream factory.
3
00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:23,648
Our future is on the other side
of this sad and filthy door.
4
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,150
Let me do the talking.
5
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,488
- Back away, or I'll blast you in the face!
6
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:34,826
Mr. Teatson, we'd be honored
to take a load in the face from you.
7
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:39,080
{\an8}Fucking mayor,
shoving his tollway in my face.
8
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,166
Let me slam a float into that cracker,
9
00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:44,169
they would've thrown my ass to the crowd
instead of those turkeys.
10
00:00:44,252 --> 00:00:45,879
This turkey's pretty good though.
11
00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,338
I know how savory it is!
12
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:52,552
I am stopping that tollway today!
13
00:00:52,635 --> 00:00:54,846
It's time to score one for the little man.
14
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:59,726
Ho, ho, ho.
Any minute now, Santa will arrive
15
00:00:59,809 --> 00:01:04,814
to throw open the stores for wonderful
day-after-Thanksgiving sales!
16
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:11,237
And we politely ask that you storm in
for bargains in an orderly fashion.
17
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:16,326
Anyone gets in my way,
I'll stab 'em in the guts!
18
00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:20,288
And keep-a the Christ in Christmas-a!
19
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:23,041
Look, Megan, it's almost Santa time!
20
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,169
She doesn't speak English, Mom.
21
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,296
Alice speaks English.
22
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:32,217
Kevin, this is a family day.
Try to forget about Alice
23
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:34,511
You heard your mother.
Get Christmassy, goddamn it!
24
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,762
I can't.
25
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:37,972
Everywhere I look, she's there.
26
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,349
She's there.
27
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,518
She's there.
28
00:01:42,101 --> 00:01:44,521
She-- Holy shit, she really is there!
29
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:48,149
Oh, Alice, I miss the smell of your hair!
30
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,860
You're gonna miss your head
from your body, you fuck!
31
00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:55,406
- Alice?
- Still me, asshole!
32
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:58,493
Ah, he's hopeless.
At least Bill's making me proud.
33
00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:00,578
Boys, it's almost go time.
34
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:04,124
Now remember, these people
may be your friends and neighbors,
35
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:06,167
but when these stores open,
36
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:08,753
they will trample a one-legged invalid
37
00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:13,466
just to save a buck
on one of those dolls that pisses itself.
38
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:18,930
So, stand behind us when the shit
goes down at Santa's Wonderland.
39
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:21,141
Eh, good job, Billy!
40
00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,184
Honey, I'm gonna sneak out early.
41
00:02:23,726 --> 00:02:26,646
I got some shopping to do for Mrs. Claus.
42
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:29,440
Come on, Frank.
You're not shopping. Don't lie to me.
43
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:32,068
You're gonna go on a wild-goose chase
with that key you found.
44
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,863
Sue, I swear to you,
this isn't a wild-goose chase.
45
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,823
- It's a regular-goose chase!
46
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,366
This key is the one.
47
00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:41,661
It has a 16 on it.
I just have to find out where it fits.
48
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:44,414
Frank! This is our family day.
49
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,915
Come on, who's kidding who?
50
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:50,461
We all know this family's happiest moments
are when I walk out that door.
51
00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:52,130
I hear the applause.
52
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,757
When I see you tonight,
I'll have this all figured out. Mwah.
53
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:55,925
Don't wait up.
54
00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:02,098
Here comes Santa!
55
00:03:02,181 --> 00:03:03,308
Santa!
56
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,311
Merry Christmas, everyone!
57
00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:09,105
What about the Jews, you frozen dildo?
58
00:03:09,188 --> 00:03:11,399
That was for you, Alice!
59
00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:12,984
Are you here?
60
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:17,447
Santa's got a sack full of toys
for children of all ages!
61
00:03:17,530 --> 00:03:22,368
Oh, you think, because you were wearing
a Santa suit, that suck job was free?
62
00:03:22,452 --> 00:03:24,203
Give me that bag!
63
00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:28,791
Oh, Mommy's got your Christmas, Quincy!
And like Santa, it came early.
64
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:34,005
You promised Santa eye contact,
and you never looked up once!
65
00:03:34,088 --> 00:03:36,215
- Oh, free goodies!
66
00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:38,426
All right,
let's all just stay calm.
67
00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:45,725
You just fucked
with the wrong little warrior!
68
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,230
- These animals get worse every year.
69
00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:54,192
Don't worry, sir.
Rustvale's finest are here to protect you.
70
00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:57,528
We're going in, boys. Watch and learn.
71
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,116
Our first riot.
72
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,035
Thank you, Santa.
73
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:17,465
{\an8}
74
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:22,178
{\an8}
75
00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,645
{\an8}
76
00:04:40,363 --> 00:04:41,489
{\an8}
77
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:42,907
{\an8}
78
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:53,459
{\an8}
79
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:54,752
{\an8}This'll be fun, Maureen.
80
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:58,589
{\an8}A shopping day for just the Murphy girls,
doing girl stuff.
81
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,883
Let's get your father
some underwear for Christmas.
82
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:02,010
Oh, Bridget's here!
83
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,012
{\an8}She can help me fix Daddy.
84
00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:06,723
Bye, Mom! Don't wait up!
85
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:11,894
Hmm. Well, guess
it's just you and me, Megan.
86
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,730
Oh, she can't understand English.
87
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,024
I know that, but everyone else left me!
88
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,609
{\an8}Want to use the evil eye
to summon my grandpa's spirit?
89
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:21,612
Does my dad steal coins from the fountain?
90
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,450
Oh, a 50-cent piece!
91
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:27,827
I'm keeping you somewhere safe.
92
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,539
Num.
See you in three days, Mr. President.
93
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,291
{\an8}
94
00:05:33,374 --> 00:05:36,502
{\an8}Please stop crying. Please stop crying.
95
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:41,007
Isn't it enough you kept me up all night?
Please stop.
96
00:05:41,090 --> 00:05:42,675
I will do anything!
97
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:44,010
I will kill a nun!
98
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,929
Hey, Vic, uh,
let me show you a little trick.
99
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:50,349
{\an8}
100
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,644
{\an8}I get it, Susie Q.
Like rolling a tight fatty.
101
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,230
Or swaddling a baby.
102
00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:01,152
Look at that connection.
Just like me and Frank.
103
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:02,779
Yeah.
104
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:06,074
{\an8}Listen, I'm having a few friends
with little ones over at my house later,
105
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,284
{\an8}and you and Megan should come by.
106
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:12,246
{\an8}Oh, Vic, thank you so much,
but I don't think so.
107
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:15,333
{\an8}I've got lots of stuff to do today...
108
00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,092
with the family.
109
00:06:24,675 --> 00:06:27,303
Oh, yeah, staring at your feet.
That's a party.
110
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:29,222
Don't go too crazy now.
111
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,936
And when that young man
opened the box his late father left him,
112
00:06:35,019 --> 00:06:37,647
he found a note from his dad saying,
113
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,691
"You will grow up to achieve fame
throughout the world."
114
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,027
And that young man's name?
115
00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:46,155
The guy who killed William McKinley.
116
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,199
Lucky no-name bastard.
117
00:06:48,282 --> 00:06:51,410
Here's a song about another man
on a search for meaning,
118
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:56,290
on WKWBG,
the background music for your life.
119
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:25,069
I need a ticket to the city
with the fewest Italians in it.
120
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,737
That would be Rome, New York.
121
00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,573
Leaving town, Robert?
122
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:32,994
Have you forgotten
about the money you still owe me?
123
00:07:33,077 --> 00:07:36,747
If I say yes, does that mean
I don't have to pay you?
124
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,292
- No! No! Please!
125
00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:41,794
My ticket's nonrefundable!
126
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:43,463
Come on.
127
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:46,174
You son of a bitch.
128
00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:48,426
Hey! Leave that alone, you hobo!
129
00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:51,679
I'm not a hobo.
I'm just a lost soul looking for answers!
130
00:07:51,762 --> 00:07:54,932
Well, unless you're catching a bus
or cruising for anonymous sex,
131
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,934
get the fuck out of my station!
132
00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:02,940
Hey! Hey! You can't tow me!
I had the flashers on!
133
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:06,277
That's the international symbol
for "I'll be right back"!
134
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:12,325
Even when you're dead,
you're still a pain in my ass.
135
00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:16,287
Working the mall
really paid off this year.
136
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:17,914
Nothing like a nice riot
137
00:08:17,997 --> 00:08:21,125
to make the store owners
appreciate what we do for them.
138
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:26,839
- So they just give you money?
- Give? Ha, we earn it.
139
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,675
Do you boys have any idea
the balls it takes
140
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:33,846
to walk up to a car you just pulled over
at two o'clock in the morning,
141
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,682
not knowing what's on the other side
of that window,
142
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:39,852
or if you'll ever see
your wife and kids again?
143
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:43,397
I'm in my jammies by seven, so, no.
144
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:47,818
This is a tip of the cap for what we do
the rest of the year. Understand?
145
00:08:47,902 --> 00:08:49,654
Yes, Officer O'Rourke.
146
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:53,157
So some day when I'm a cop,
I might get a tip?
147
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,451
You probably won't live to see that,
148
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:59,080
but since it's Christmas,
step into the evidence cage,
149
00:08:59,163 --> 00:09:01,832
or as we call it, "the gift shop."
150
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,795
You fellas go in there
and take one thing each
151
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:08,464
from the bin marked "inadmissible."
152
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,466
- Just don't take guns!
153
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,301
Those are for our kids.
154
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,136
- Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas!
155
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:17,473
Oh, maple-syrup stogies!
156
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,643
I'm Colt Luger's friend who tells him
what the word on the street is
157
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,270
and then gets killed!
158
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,313
I got cartoons!
159
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:28,025
They were seized in a tax fraud case.
160
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:30,987
Willfully failing to file a tax return?
161
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:33,698
Oh, that's what Al Capone did!
162
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,245
Bring me the stuff on this list,
163
00:09:39,328 --> 00:09:44,125
and we can use it
to raise the spirit of your dead grandpa.
164
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,669
This looks like a shopping list for you.
165
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:52,675
"Cans of soup, toilet paper,
a training bra, syringes, hot dogs."
166
00:09:52,758 --> 00:09:56,512
Not the snappy kind! Ghosts hate that.
167
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,347
Hey, this is important to me.
168
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:01,434
Me too. I need that bra.
My buds are about to pop.
169
00:10:01,517 --> 00:10:05,354
I mean it! I have to talk
to my grandfather.
170
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:09,942
This is my chance
to be my dad's princess again.
171
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,485
I'm sorry.
172
00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,739
Okay, go home, get something
that belonged to your grandpa,
173
00:10:14,822 --> 00:10:17,491
and meet me in the graveyard at sundown.
174
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:21,078
We'll summon
the restless spirit of the dead.
175
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,166
Just one hot dog. I don't even need a bun.
176
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,212
Isn't this fun, Megan?
177
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:33,257
Ah!
178
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:34,717
Yeah, I'm with you.
179
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,969
- Thank you, Funeral Academy of America.
180
00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:40,514
Oh, hell with it.
181
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,351
Huh? I'm sorry, Sue. Were we too loud?
182
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,479
I'll ask the babies to keep
the giggling down to a respectable level.
183
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:49,065
Actually, Vic, I thought we'd take you up
on your invitation.
184
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:51,984
All right! Put your binky in the bowl
and come on in!
185
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,238
Hey, everybody, this is Sue Murphy!
186
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,574
Sue, these are my closest parent friends.
187
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:03,954
Water Couch Guy, Van Mural Guy, Toad Guy,
and their lovely chicks.
188
00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,206
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
189
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:06,374
- Hello.
190
00:11:06,457 --> 00:11:08,167
A lot of young parents, huh?
191
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:11,087
Yeah, well, we all had babies
around the same time.
192
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,005
There must be something in the water.
193
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:15,549
- One, two, three, baby!
194
00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:17,635
One, two, three, baby!
195
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,724
We're all out of weed,
196
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,518
and I still feel like shit.
197
00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,604
You failed me!
198
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:32,650
- Dada.
- Whoa! Take it easy on the baby, Kevin.
199
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,444
What'd she ever do to you
except help you see dragons?
200
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,196
Oh, I'm sorry.
201
00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:39,782
I just thought me and Alice
would be together forever.
202
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,118
That was never gonna happen.
203
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:45,371
Jewish girls date Gentile guys
for practice,
204
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:47,832
but they'll always marry a Jew.
205
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:49,250
No way, really?
206
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:53,838
Oh, yeah, it's in the Talmud,
and that's what I'm counting on.
207
00:11:53,921 --> 00:11:57,341
I'm gonna be the dude
Sandy Moskowitz settles for
208
00:11:57,425 --> 00:12:01,804
after she's done banging all
the Irish and Italian guys in my grade.
209
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,056
Well, too bad you're not Jewish.
210
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,892
Stupid fucking parents!
211
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:08,936
Unless...
212
00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:11,939
Kevin?
213
00:12:12,022 --> 00:12:15,526
Mr. Hickelnuber, could you teach me
how to be Jewish real quick?
214
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:20,739
Mr. Teatson, we want to work for you.
215
00:12:20,823 --> 00:12:22,032
You're our hero.
216
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,994
Your films have taught us
so much about life.
217
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:25,953
And fucking.
218
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:29,248
Your early work revolutionized
the "slurp and derp."
219
00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,709
That means the world to me.
220
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:34,920
We've watched the first two minutes
of your masterpiece, Sex College,
221
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:38,883
over a hundred times
at our hometown peep show emporium.
222
00:12:38,966 --> 00:12:44,096
Please let us show you our original porno,
Fuck School.
223
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,640
Huh. That's a new area.
224
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:49,560
And it is making me a little horny.
225
00:12:49,643 --> 00:12:52,646
Listen, I have a daisy chain in Van Nuys
I'm already late for, okay?
226
00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,065
Come back at five, and if I'm still alive,
227
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:58,319
we can discuss your future in smut
over a Nicoise salad.
228
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,696
"Nicoise," that's French for "pussy."
229
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:04,909
Come on, Sue. You got no life.
Pick up the goddamn phone.
230
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,496
You've reached
the Murphy's. We're not here right now--
231
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:12,541
Fuck you and your phony chipper attitude!
You hate that machine!
232
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,001
Christ, your whole life's a lie!
233
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,878
- Frank Murphy!
- Smokey!
234
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,838
Oh, am I happy to see you.
235
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:19,590
They towed my car away.
236
00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:21,800
You should've put your flashers on,
you dumb motherfucker!
237
00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,011
I had them on the whole fucking time!
238
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,930
Don't yell at me, Frank Murphy.
239
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:29,391
Ah, I'm sorry, Smokey. I'm all worked up.
240
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,685
Well, hop in. I'll give you a lift.
241
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,480
The impound lot's
next to the slaughterhouse.
242
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,527
Those cow killers love their Baby Ruths.
243
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,071
Breaking down a heifer
does a number on the blood sugar.
244
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:45,324
Speaking of which, take the wheel,
I'm going...
245
00:13:45,407 --> 00:13:47,785
- I'm going out.
- Ah, shit.
246
00:13:47,868 --> 00:13:51,330
Officer Glanney is so cool.
I wish I had him for a dad.
247
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:56,043
You know what? Fuck being a priest.
I'm just gonna be a cop now.
248
00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:58,337
If Saint Peter won't let me into heaven,
249
00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,589
I'll just plant some cocaine on him.
250
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,840
Oh, wow!
251
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:02,967
Look at that!
252
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:06,428
Song of the Slaves
starring Plantation Amos!
253
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,430
And it's a Sy Jewison!
254
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,724
Being a slave must've been zany.
255
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:11,976
Let's go inside.
256
00:14:12,059 --> 00:14:15,813
This is where I found
my love for musicals.
257
00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:30,077
Three, please. We're with the force.
258
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:33,289
Oh, how adorable. Two dollars.
259
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,541
What the hell? We're junior cops!
260
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,585
We're out there
putting it on the line for you!
261
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:41,088
We don't know if we'll ever see
our wife and kids again!
262
00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,591
That means
we're supposed to get free stuff.
263
00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,259
Two dollars.
264
00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,219
We don't have two dollars!
265
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,054
Fuck this place!
266
00:14:50,931 --> 00:14:52,391
You know what we're gonna do?
267
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:55,102
Burn the mother to the ground?
268
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:58,063
No. We're gonna tip our caps to ourselves.
269
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,191
We can show your cartoons to kids
in the neighborhood and charge money.
270
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:05,946
We'll be showing initiative
and animated hijinks.
271
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,829
And then in 1290,
272
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:18,751
King Edward the First
threw all the Jews out of England.
273
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:22,254
He called it the "Edict of Expulsion."
274
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,423
The Jews called it Tuesday.
275
00:15:24,506 --> 00:15:27,551
Uh, yeah, that's great,
but I have a question.
276
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,763
Do you think Alice will take me back
if I learn about Jewyism?
277
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,264
What if I get a perm?
278
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,642
Well, first of all, it's Judaism,
279
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:38,312
and secondly,
I have to get ready to walk to temple.
280
00:15:38,395 --> 00:15:42,274
But here's something that'll tell you
all you need to know about our faith
281
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,653
in a way a youth like yourself
can relate to.
282
00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:49,073
"Take my wife, please"?
283
00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:50,407
This is perfect!
284
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:52,284
Thanks, Mr. Hamburger Helper.
285
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,328
It's Mr...
286
00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:55,788
Never mind.
287
00:15:55,871 --> 00:16:00,125
Basically, if you licked a toad
anytime in the last three years,
288
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:03,921
chances are it might've come from my tank.
289
00:16:04,004 --> 00:16:08,175
Okay. But my question was,
where are all the babies?
290
00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:09,927
They're hanging ten on the water couch.
291
00:16:12,137 --> 00:16:16,183
Oh, no, no, no, no! You can't leave a baby
on a couch like that. They could roll off.
292
00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:18,519
So we should put them on the coke table?
293
00:16:18,602 --> 00:16:20,604
No, no, that's not good either.
294
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,524
It's the only way we know
to get them to stop crying.
295
00:16:23,607 --> 00:16:26,694
If you want them to calm down,
let's bring them over here on the floor.
296
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,112
Oh!
297
00:16:28,195 --> 00:16:32,032
- I never thought of that.
- She knows her shit, man.
298
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,742
She's got four young’uns.
299
00:16:35,619 --> 00:16:39,248
You must have loved
every second of pregnancy.
300
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,505
So I thought this key would fit
a lock around here somewhere,
301
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:47,673
but it didn't.
302
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:50,801
I might never know what my father
was trying to tell me when he died.
303
00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,803
Aw, Frank, that's rough.
304
00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:55,180
You know,
I'm losing my house to a tollway.
305
00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:57,933
Only thing I got in my fridge is onions.
306
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,937
I lost 14 brothers and sisters
before they was 20.
307
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,107
And this morning,
a cop put a gun to my head
308
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:07,401
and said he was gonna send me
straight to hell
309
00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:10,070
if I didn't give him a box of Zagnuts.
310
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:14,241
I'm real sorry
if you having trouble finding a keyhole.
311
00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:15,784
Hey, come on! My key!
312
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,620
Fuck your key and your problems,
Frank Murphy!
313
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,289
Now, I'll take you to your car.
314
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,666
But first you got to help me
slide some Hershey bars,
315
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,085
and I'll fill your dumb ass up
with some wisdom.
316
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:31,467
Mayor Tangenti is trying
to destroy your neighborhood
317
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,218
just to get revenge on me.
318
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:35,095
Are we gonna let him get away with that?
319
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,263
No!
320
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:38,057
- Maybe.
- Shut up, Reggie!
321
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:41,977
I've come up with a plan
to stop this tollway forever,
322
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,313
if we all sign this petition
323
00:17:44,396 --> 00:17:47,983
to have the rec center labeled
a historic landmark.
324
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,986
I mean, this is where point shaving
was invented!
325
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:53,489
The people have a voice in this town!
326
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:58,660
And we gonna send a message to the mayor
that is loud and clear!
327
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:01,330
- Clear!
- That's what I said, clear!
328
00:18:01,413 --> 00:18:04,249
- No, get out of the way!
- What the fuck? Shit!
329
00:18:19,681 --> 00:18:23,185
Sue, you finally found a use
for this boat rock shit.
330
00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,437
It's like kiddie kush.
331
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:26,730
Thank you.
332
00:18:27,856 --> 00:18:31,693
And doing the bicycle with their legs
gets the circulation going.
333
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:33,695
Plus, it's really cute.
334
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:34,988
Oh.
335
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,573
I never thought of that.
336
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:39,952
So insightful.
What do we do when we're done with this?
337
00:18:40,035 --> 00:18:42,037
Well, you can roll them on their stomach.
338
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,539
- Oh.
339
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,499
Holy fucking shit!
340
00:18:45,582 --> 00:18:48,293
- You don't understand, Smokey. I--
- I understand plenty!
341
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,170
You feeling sorry for yourself
342
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,507
'cause your dead daddy left you some box
somewhere in some fucking place.
343
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:54,883
That don't mean dick.
344
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,553
I feel like I can't move forward
unless I find it.
345
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:02,057
And then maybe it'll explain
why my dad was the way he was to me.
346
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,020
Let me tell you what my brother said
right before he was executed.
347
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:11,024
Well, the very last thing he said was,
"Joke's on you, Warden."
348
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,193
"I haven't pooped since my bond hearing."
349
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:16,363
But what he said before that was this.
350
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,409
Don't let yourself become a hostage
to your past.
351
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,078
There's some things in life
you just can't change.
352
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,164
All you'll get
from trying to open it again
353
00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:27,207
is a wound that'll never heal.
354
00:19:27,291 --> 00:19:30,127
And that wound will scab,
and you'll want to pick it,
355
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,212
till you get a bigger wound
and a bigger scab.
356
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,548
Then you're all scab.
357
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:39,178
Next thing you know, a doctor
and four orderlies are strapping you down,
358
00:19:39,261 --> 00:19:41,972
sticking needles all in you
to take away the pain.
359
00:19:42,055 --> 00:19:44,433
Then you're hooked on that shit.
360
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:47,519
Then you follow the doctor home
to get more of them drugs.
361
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:51,690
And you kill him when he say
he don't keep drugs in the house. Idiot.
362
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,817
Then you wind up in the electric chair
363
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:58,030
with a belly full of last-meal chili
to shit all over the warden.
364
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:03,076
Here's your car, Frank.
And here's your key.
365
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:07,039
Now, if you're smart, you'll realize
it don't matter where it fit.
366
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,552
Step right up
367
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:25,515
for a night of never-before-seen,
direct-from-the-police-evidence-locker,
368
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:28,644
bootleg Sleepy Ramirez cartoons.
369
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:30,896
You are the first kids to see these
370
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:35,192
aside from the Bangladeshi children
that animated them.
371
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:37,527
Are you ready for some fun?
372
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,410
{\an8}Spirit of William F. Murphy,
373
00:20:45,494 --> 00:20:48,205
we summon you from your tortured rest.
374
00:20:48,288 --> 00:20:53,168
{\an8}Tell us, what were you trying to say
to my dad when you died?
375
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:58,006
And when two angels bone,
do they explode and become a star?
376
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,466
Grandpa Bill...
377
00:20:59,549 --> 00:21:02,094
- We summon you!
- We summon you!
378
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:05,973
Is that you, Grandpa?
379
00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:11,812
Oh my God,
his soul is anguishing in purgatory.
380
00:21:15,190 --> 00:21:16,316
Done.
381
00:21:16,858 --> 00:21:18,986
I guess we're even now.
382
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:21,571
You're very fair,
letting me just dig a hole
383
00:21:21,655 --> 00:21:25,200
to square my thousands of dollars of debt.
384
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,369
Are you putting in a fountain?
385
00:21:27,911 --> 00:21:29,997
You should've paid me, Robert.
386
00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:34,418
You can't kill me here!
I'll never be found!
387
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,628
So babies shouldn't have chicken bones.
388
00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,922
There's so much we can learn from you!
389
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,882
Can we do this every week?
390
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:44,052
Well, if you think I'd be helpful,
I could check my schedule.
391
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,637
I'll make it worth your while.
392
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:47,306
You got a gift, Sue,
393
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:50,475
so I want to give you something
that's very dear to me,
394
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,686
$65.
395
00:21:52,769 --> 00:21:54,229
Oh, no, no, you don't have to.
396
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:55,522
I don't have a lot of money,
397
00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:58,859
but let me know when you want
erotic art painted on your car.
398
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:01,194
{\an8}My specialty is big-breasted Vikings,
399
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:03,530
but I can also do big-breasted dragons.
400
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:06,533
This is a Cambodian tree frog.
401
00:22:06,616 --> 00:22:08,160
On the house.
402
00:22:08,243 --> 00:22:10,537
Lick it and watch the Zapruder film.
403
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:12,998
Questions answered. Jackie did it.
404
00:22:13,081 --> 00:22:17,461
Gee, thanks, but, uh, I'm trying to quit.
405
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:22,090
What the fuck?
406
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:26,178
Please, no!
I'm not supposed to go like this!
407
00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:30,265
A gypsy told me
I'd die on or around the Space Needle!
408
00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:33,101
No!
409
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,270
- We're making my grandpa mad.
- No!
410
00:22:35,353 --> 00:22:36,813
- This was a bad idea.
- No!
411
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:39,066
- Don't go chicken-shit on me now.
- No!
412
00:22:39,149 --> 00:22:40,525
- Let me go!
413
00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:44,029
- You're on your own, chicken-shit!
- Wait for me!
414
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:51,411
Goodbye, my friend.
415
00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:55,707
It's the ghosts
of those circus midgets we killed!
416
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:57,709
They're all coming out of the same grave!
417
00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,586
- Ah!
418
00:22:59,669 --> 00:23:01,463
Kneecapping really hurts!
419
00:23:04,257 --> 00:23:06,093
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
420
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:08,178
I will get you!
421
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:11,348
- Your melted ass is mine!
- Ah!
422
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:15,435
And so when God bestows
his blessings and gifts on you,
423
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,437
remember one thing,
424
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:19,397
keep it to yourself.
425
00:23:21,274 --> 00:23:24,945
He makes that same joke every single week,
and it's still funny.
426
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,114
Test, test.
One, two, three.
427
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:31,326
- The shiksa's schmear schmells schwell.
- Kevin?
428
00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:33,120
- Oh dear.
- Kevin!
429
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:37,666
Alice and your fellow tribesmen,
greetings and mazel.
430
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:41,962
I know I've caused you
a lot of "sh... shpilkes,"
431
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:46,174
but I was wondering if you could be
a mensch and forgive me.
432
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:52,097
And if you do, I'll be happy to schlep you
to and from school,
433
00:23:52,180 --> 00:23:55,267
and you wouldn't even have to touch
my schmeckle.
434
00:23:55,350 --> 00:23:56,601
What are you doing?
435
00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:59,479
- He's compensating for the trauma--
- Shut up, Dad!
436
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:11,616
It's the golem!
437
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,662
- Maureen?
438
00:24:15,745 --> 00:24:17,330
Holy fuck!
439
00:24:19,457 --> 00:24:21,835
Don't worry, I got it. Now, where was I?
440
00:24:27,507 --> 00:24:30,844
Who is responsible
for this act of desecration?
441
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:34,431
I didn't mean to! I just asked for advice
from Mr. Holtenwasser.
442
00:24:36,057 --> 00:24:39,227
You pick now to know my name?
443
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:42,522
- This was a fun day after all, wasn't it?
444
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,107
Uh, huh?
445
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:46,651
Goddamn kids!
446
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,695
Think electricity grows on trees?
447
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,363
Here you go, Mr. Teatson.
448
00:24:50,447 --> 00:24:52,365
Several weeks in the making,
449
00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,535
rescued from
an unconstitutional police raid,
450
00:24:55,619 --> 00:24:57,370
but now in your hands.
451
00:24:57,454 --> 00:25:00,332
Break out the lube
and grease up your tube.
452
00:25:00,415 --> 00:25:04,461
We proudly present Fuck School.
453
00:25:09,507 --> 00:25:11,426
Animated porn.
454
00:25:12,093 --> 00:25:13,762
Oh, this will kill in Japan.
455
00:25:13,845 --> 00:25:17,182
If this is a cartoon,
then where the hell is Fuck School?
456
00:25:17,265 --> 00:25:19,851
- Professor Screw-well,
457
00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:24,522
there must be some way for me
to make up being late to school.
458
00:25:24,606 --> 00:25:27,567
You need an insertion of discipline.
459
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:31,863
- Bill!
460
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:34,241
- What the fuck is this?
461
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:36,993
- Dad!
- Bill!
462
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:39,579
Sue, don't look! Don't look!
463
00:25:39,663 --> 00:25:42,791
Your daddy's got an uncut hog on his face!
464
00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:45,794
Ugh! No, no, no!
Get it off me! Get it off me!
465
00:25:47,003 --> 00:25:49,130
- Ah!
466
00:25:55,762 --> 00:25:56,888
I can't go on.
467
00:25:58,473 --> 00:25:59,766
I can't go on.
468
00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,270
Oh, what are you doing here?
469
00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:07,315
This is my what-the-fuck-
did-I-do-with-my-life bridge!
470
00:26:07,399 --> 00:26:08,858
Hello, Rosie.
471
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,195
The most unbelievable thing
happened tonight.
472
00:26:13,488 --> 00:26:15,573
I ran!
473
00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:21,746
I wish I hadn't turned
that tree frog down.
474
00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:24,749
I could really use a lick.
475
00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:27,419
Sue, I can't unravel
a metaphor right now, okay?
476
00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:29,629
I had a wall of dicks in my face today.
477
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:32,424
- Hey, guys.
- And here's another.
478
00:26:32,507 --> 00:26:36,094
So, um, a... a rabbi
is gonna call you in a little bit.
479
00:26:36,177 --> 00:26:39,639
Just know something, he is a liar.
480
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:49,190
You've reached the Murphy's.
We're not here right now,
481
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:51,943
but if you can figure out
how to leave a message on this thing...
482
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:53,611
...be our guest.
483
00:26:54,696 --> 00:26:57,449
Hello, this is
Rabbi Moishe Feinstein
484
00:26:57,532 --> 00:26:59,617
from Temple Beth Rustvale.
485
00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:03,246
As you know, my faith prohibits me
from using a telephone on the Sabbath,
486
00:27:03,330 --> 00:27:05,290
but a Gentile fireman...
487
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:07,709
Let's be honest, that's any fireman.
488
00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:10,378
...has kindly dialed for me.
489
00:27:10,462 --> 00:27:13,590
God forgives many sins but not arson,
490
00:27:13,673 --> 00:27:15,842
especially of an anti-Semitic nature.
491
00:27:15,925 --> 00:27:17,802
Unlike the burning bush,
492
00:27:17,886 --> 00:27:20,013
the fire your son caused this evening
493
00:27:20,096 --> 00:27:23,183
did consume
my temple's beautiful front lawn
494
00:27:23,266 --> 00:27:24,559
and our sign,
495
00:27:24,642 --> 00:27:27,479
which, of course, was donated
by Sammy Davis Jr.
496
00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:29,647
when I helped him convert from Black.