Welcome to the 19th Semi-Annual Rustland City Thanksgiving Day Parade.
And our parade would not be complete
without a visit from America's favorite cartoon lazybones,
Sleepy Ramirez.
Fun fact, Sleepy is the only anatomically correct balloon
in the parade today.
Sleepy's helium-filled donkey organ
is big enough to hold 200 gallon-sized cans
of latex house paint.
You stink, Ray!
You're a disgrace to ceremony mastering!
Get your trunk out of my ass! There's no peanuts in it! Wait!
There but for the grace of God
and no uncontrollable sexual interest in pregnant women,
go I.
Let's hear it for our trusted city aldermen.
Damn mayor, fucking me over. He gave my Caddy to the janitor lady!
In Russia, I am pediatric oncologist.
My ride's got a boy with a dick on his face.
And just like that boy, you got to put on a smile and take it.
Time for the minstrel show.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Stop the tollway! Save the Twelfth Ward!
Motherfucker! That's the third time your float rammed me this morning!
Maybe it wouldn't happen if you got out of the way of progress!
Your progress is going to put my people on the street! They all hate you!
We'll see how they feel after they get one of my Tollway Tom Turkeys!
-Hey, there we go.
Everybody gets a turkey! Compliments of the mayor! Oh!
This progress looks delicious!
He's turning my people against me.
Mayor Tangenti loves the cripples!
Now I can't see!
But I can smell this beautiful bird!
Motherfucker!
Perfect.
I wish I had me as a wife.
-Ugh! Jesus!
Stop messing with my evil eye!
-Stop resisting arrest! -Ah!
-Goddamn it to hell!
I'm sorry, kids.
This Thanksgiving is a very important one for me.
I just need you to stay out of my hair while I get everything ready.
If you can't sit still, then please do me a favor
and annoy your dad instead.
He's taking his morning beer nap.
Tonight, after football,
it's the ABS Thanksgiving Special,
with the stars of Colt Luger,
Bruce Again!,
Police Cop!,
Beach Magician M.D.!,
My Dog, The President!,
and Secretary of Agriculture, Earl Butz!
Frank? Frank?
And it all ends with the return of stunt legend
Buster Thunder Junior!
This doctor said I'd never punch again!
Who's the doctor now?
Yeehaw!
Frank, are you asleep?
-I'm pregnant again. -The fuck you are!
Look at this mess. The house has to look immaculate when my parents come,
like nobody lives here.
Honey, take it easy. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
I have to. I'm really worried about today.
It took so much to get my dad and Louis in the same room,
and if it doesn't go right, we'll never have the chance again.
Oh, I understand, honey. I'll do anything to help you.
Could you take the baby and make a quick run to the store
to get cranberry sauce?
Aw, Jesus, Sue, the store's gonna be a zoo!
Whatever we're missing, I'm sure you made plenty of other bullshit for us to eat.
Bill and Maureen ruined the cranberries my dad loves!
Well, your dad ruins everything I love.
Please?
Ugh.
Okay.
I'll go get them.
Your punishment for fucking up
is spending quality time with your old man.
-Aw! No fair! -No fair!
Some fucking holiday this is.
Got to take my dad's car because the safety seat's in it.
I guess we're coddling babies now.
Goddamn seat, why won't this... why won't this stupid thing tighten?
Holy shit!
Uh, I don't think we need to tell Mom about that.
What's in it for me?
-Well, do you like Christmas? -Yeah.
-Would you like to live see another one? -Yeah.
Then shut the fuck up and help me with this baby seat!
-Come on, Alice, pick up.
Alice, hey, this is Kevin Murphy from...
your boyfriend.
Are you there? Please pick up.
I'm really sorry about the other night when you got all weird. I just know that--
-Kevin? Alice! I love you.
I know you're mad, but everything'll be okay
if we do the kiss-kiss game with your boobies.
-It's your mother. Oh God!
What are you doing at Alice's house? Are you talking about me?
Get off the phone so I can call the neighbors
to tell them what time to come over for coffee and cake.
Mom, you sound like a lunatic!
Would you put Alice on the phone?
Mom? Mom?
Erwin?
Off the fucking phone!
What'd the phone ever do to you?
Ah! You crumpled the bed! I need to put coats on it later!
Oh, I'm sorry I'm affected by gravity! What do you want me to do?
This sucks ass.
I had a whole day of sulking planned.
Then just a pinch-a the cinnamon.
That's the secret to a traditional Thanksgiving
Tagliatelle Arrogost Bachagaloop!
-Hey, my man!
I'm... I'm going to say Petey? Is your mom home?
She's busy at the moment. You don't look like you usually do.
I can't see the pulse in your eyes.
Well, that's 'cause I stopped taking the, uh... special vitamins
that kept me perky.
You mean Schedule II narcotics?
Yeah.
All right, little man. Can you be cool for just a little while?
You're giving Daddy the sweats.
Listen, Petey, I got a problem.
I'm stuck raising my little man by myself
because, uh, his mom ran off with a Santa elf,
so could I ask your mom how to get a fussy baby to eat?
Oh, she's never had trouble with that.
Nom, nom. You know what? You know what?
Nom, nom, nom, nom.
You know what? You know what?
-Aw. -You know what?
You've got a big Thanksgiving appetite.
I can feel your tonsils getting swollen.
I went to Tijuana once and paid 30 pesos to see that.
Never again.
Aw, I don't get why we all have to clear out so Mom can be crazy.
Ah, she's not crazy. She's just doing crazy things. Okay?
This is important to her.
So you have to help her out by minding your manners,
getting your head out of your ass about your girlfriend,
and don't get upset if she says Pop-Pop is dying of a brain tumor.
Pop-Pop is dying?
No, but Uncle Louis thinks he is.
Why does he think that?
Oh, because Mom told him he was.
Why did she tell him that?
Because she's crazy! People do weird things when they love someone.
Like you crying over Grandpa Bill's box with the 91 on it?
I still say it's probably a 16,
and it might mean something!
Shit!
What the hell is this?
I guess the parade is still going on.
Oh, fucking Thanksgiving!
Just go home and eat, you assholes!
-Come to Skinneees!
You won't be horrified, or your money back!
-Where's the rest of the chicken? -In the trash where it belongs!
Ooh, a Tollway Turkey!
Everybody gets a turkey!
-Thanks, Mr. Mayor! We love you! -Hey! Stop stealing my business!
I should be filling those mouths!
-Ow!
Right in the implant!
Nobody hits my girls but me!
Keep your dirty birds to yourself!
Fuck you! I will turkey your grandchildren!
-No! No!
My three-week-old dream!
-There. Perfect.
Oh, shit!
Major, no! Major!
Hold it in! Hold it in! Hold it in, sweet baby!
Hello, angel.
Well, this is a good omen.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Uh, sorry about the...
Never mind. Come in!
So, where's that husband of yours?
He get a new job at the disappointment factory?
No, he took the kids to the grocery store to get the special cranberries you like.
Uh, speaking of special fruit that's been in the can...
Now, Stan, you promised you'd be nice to Louis.
He's making an effort to come here today.
Fine, but if he gives me any lip,
we have backup reservations at the Szechuan Palace.
They do a fantastic white rice.
There's absolutely no taste!
...58, 59, 60,
61, 62...
Wait, that's a toenail! Give it back!
Hey, lady, can you hurry up? I got my baby in the car.
Well, I got places to be too, you know.
Aw, bullshit! You're buying cat food on Thanksgiving.
-Hey, happy Turkey Day, Gooms! -Uh, hey-a, Vic. What, uh...
What are you doing here?
Worried about what wild animal left that surprise on your walkway last night?
No, man, from the looks of that poop, he's not gonna be around much longer.
Something eating him alive from the inside, know what I mean?
-It's like a goddamn alien in there.
Say, I need some advice on how to calm down Vic Junior here.
You guys have kids, right?
-Uh...
No, Vic, we don't.
Uh, I'm afraid we can't help you.
Aw, man, I don't know where else to turn.
I knocked at Chet's place, but he didn't answer.
Let me try to soothe him.
-Oh, it's okay, Evie. You don't have to. -I already am!
There you go. Evie's got you now.
Oh, thank you. You two are good people.
Uh...
Yeah.
In just four short hours, Buster Thunder Junior
will jump the Los Angeles River, a majestic body of water
that flows with the waste of Hollywood's biggest stars.
So, where's that brother of yours?
Maybe he was arrested at the bus station.
-Again. -Dad!
Pardon me for acknowledging the lavender elephant in the room.
-Hi, Dad.
Louis.
Oh, son, I hope you didn't hear
the horrible thing your father just said about you.
I did.
Ah!
I love you.
And I forgive you.
Well, this is, uh, quite the hello.
I know I'm not supposed to say anything, but you're so courageous.
Courageous?
I'm not afraid of catching anything.
Just don't touch that scraped knuckle, okay?
Oh, this is wonderful.
Yeah, so great. How about some mulled wine?
I want us to get along, son.
This has been eating at the pit of my stomach.
-It moved to your stomach? -Hey, look, a deodorant commercial!
It's a schmear for your pits!
Hey, you're a real natural there, Lady G.
-I practice with the dog every night.
Turns out dogs don't need solid food.
Very cool.
So, uh, what'd you do to get him to be so calm?
If I told you that, you'd never bring him back.
Oh, yeah, you're probably right.
Well, I don't want to interfere with your Thanksgiving. We should go.
No. I'm not finished yet.
But I promised the little guy I'd teach him how to adjust a carburetor, so--
-I said back off!
Well, you heard her.
Why don't you have a tall glass of Goomer's special eggnog,
and we'll catch up on neighborhood gossip when you wake up?
Oh, I never thought a nightmare could smell so delicious.
Robert, I came as soon as you called.
I'm so sorry about your unfortunate misfortune.
Thank you, Lou. You're a good friend.
And don't despair. Your insurance will cover this.
I don't have insurance.
I spent the money on this chicken suit, which I did insure.
Then you should most definitely despair.
That's why I called.
Now that I'm ruined, I won't be able to pay you what I owe you.
I hate to disappoint you,
but I'm afraid we're gonna have to cancel our agreement.
I hate to disappoint you,
but as they say in Sicily, no backsies.
-Oh.
Oh, boy, they're here.
All right, kids, get ready to watch a battle royale
between the Sadist and the San Francisco Treat.
Why does Pop-Pop hate Uncle Louis?
Sweetie, hate is such a strong word.
All Pop-Pop has done for the last 15 years is reject his own flesh and blood.
Uncle Louis is a pickle sniffer.
-Hey! -Ow!
He's not a pickle sniffer. He's a song-and-dance man.
And you shouldn't judge him.
If what Uncle Louis does makes him happy, then so be it.
Live and let live.
Now, having said that, if I ever catch you playing footsie with another man,
I swear to God, I will put you through that fucking wall!
Now get inside and treat him like an equal!
What the fuck?
Stan. Louis. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hello, Frank.
What moldy, dented cans did you get at the food bank this year?
Yeah, and which one of your shoes are we boiling for dinner?
He's so cheap!
Be nice to Frank. He's not cheap. He's poor!
I miss how we used to shit on Frank together.
It's so easy!
Yeah, Louis, you really know how to stick it to a guy.
Uh, stick it to a guy with your jokes, you know.
Not with your, uh... your penis.
-Hey, looks like it's going well. -Too well.
Sue, thank you.
It's such a blessing to spend one last Thanksgiving with the old man.
I want to tell him how much I'll miss him.
Yeah, but don't.
-I have to stop them from being so chummy.
Twice now he's almost said something that would blow the whole lie apart.
Sue, just exactly how did you see this whole thing playing out?
I don't know!
I was at a gay bar. I saw my old boss getting his pickle sniffed.
I had to think quick.
You have to help me keep them distracted until the neighbors get here for dessert.
Honey, I wish I could, but what can I do?
They're not gonna talk to me. They hate me.
Oh, Dad, these are the kind of things I'm going to miss when you're--
Dad!
Uh, Frank just said he's happy Nixon got a full pardon!
-He said what? -I said what?
That's right, Stan. I'm ecstatic!
I'll tell you, you know, I wish he did a dozen Watergates!
-What about accountability? -How can you say that?
Ah, fuck accountability!
Christ, the Democrats should've had better locks, and you know it, Stan!
-Are you serious? -He did some great things with China!
-I've heard things in my day, but this... -Right over!
-So, are you gonna get me my money? -I'll pay!
I will! I will! I promise!
I think he's had enough.
Thank you so much.
Mrs. Bonfiglio, how have you been?
Ah, wet!
Whoa, guys, look! Buster's about to jump!
How do you feel on this Thanksgiving, Buster?
Like the original Pilgrims did all those years ago,
ready to kick ass with 400 pounds between my legs!
-Look who's here!
-Charlie Chaplins!
-My little tramps!
-You haven't done this in years!
They cloned him!
Look at them together. Why aren't you arguing right now?
I'm sorry, but I ran out of nice things to say about Nixon.
I mean, I... I... I guess your dad turned me a little.
-You still got it, Dad.
Hey, kids, did you know I once got a hole in one at Baltusrol?
Kevin, I hear you've got a lady in your life.
She'd be in my life if she picked up the stupid phone.
I keep calling, but she stands over the machine, mocking me.
I can feel it!
Oh dear.
Young love can be so hard.
I'll bet there's a perfectly sensible reason
why she's not answering the phone.
What's that mean? You think she got back together with Joel?
I'm sure whoever this Joel is,
he's not as handsome as you are.
What are you talking about? He's a man! He was bar mitzvahed!
She... she's probably not with anyone else.
-You mean she's dead? -I'm not saying she's dead.
Then it's not too late to save her life! I got to go find her. Alice.
I didn't know what Nguyen-Nguyen was gonna do.
I just told her about a Columbo episode
where a Vietnamese woman poisoned her husband.
Then I lent her some bleach.
Yeah, you probably shouldn't repeat that story.
Well, thanks for the eggnog and the, uh...
the memory loss, but I better get Vic Junior to beddy-bye.
Where is he anyway? Did he, uh, leave without me?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Evelyn, what have you done with that baby?
I warned you! I don't want to move again! I like these names!
Here we are. I was changing him.
Oh, right.
I knew you were here all along
and not dyeing your hair and making a break for the state line.
Okay.
Good times. Better go.
Please, just let me sniff my Geraldine one more time.
Don't touch my baby!
Your woman is fucking weird, man!
For God's sake, Evelyn, move on! We're never gonna have a kid!
You're the one who can't face the truth!
It wasn't clams!
And I'm starting to think you lied about Frank's pants!
I stole his pants because they made me feel alive, Ev!
In a way you never do!
-You all have a Happy Easter. Okay.
You don't take me dancing!
And you've never once watched me shit in the woods!
A man has needs!
This neighborhood was way more normal when I was on the goofies.
Buster Thunder Junior is ready to jump!
Here he goes!
Sue, this was lovely, but we should be on our way.
It's a four-hour drive, and I'd like to have your father awake
at James Dean Curve.
Oh, please don't go, but here's your coats!
Thank you, angel.
And thank you, Frank.
The turkey was... competently sliced.
And I know how hard that must've been for you to say.
-Good to see you, son. -You too, Dad.
Buster just might pull this off!
-Let's all do this again next year! -Sue, how could you be so insensitive?
-What? -Uh-oh, he's picked up a wobble.
Do this again next year? Where? On Dad's grave?
My what?
Sue told me, Dad. Told me you're dying.
-You told him I was dying? -Buster is airborne!
Not in those words.
Exactly in those words!
And he crashes into the concrete riverbank!
He came so close and then shit-a the bed!
Why would you lie to me?
I wanted you and Dad to make up!
You thought so little of us
that we couldn't make up without you putting a tumor in his brain?
You said you didn't give a shit about him!
-Well, that's real nice! -Oh, as nice as disowning me, Dad?
You disowned yourself
the minute you decided to lust over other men!
It's not lust, Dad. It's love. I'm a human being!
I'm just the way God made me.
There you go, always blaming somebody else!
Alice!
Alice! Come out, please!
I'm here to prove to you I can give you your space!
-Oh, Alice! -Kevin, what are you doing here?
Where the hell have you been, young lady?
We had Thanksgiving at my aunt's house.
You believe in Thanksgiving?
I thought you were Jewish.
This is a story we're gonna tell our grandkids.
You're creeping me out.
Am I creeping you out down there?
-Hey, Alice, is this kid bothering you? -Is this that fucking Joel?
No, Kevin, this is--
-Oh my God! -Daniel!
My brother!
Ow, shit, my hand!
You knocked out my tooth!
You can have one of mine.
Kevin, get out of here!
I never want to see you again!
But it's Thanksgiving!
You have no idea what it's like being your son!
You have no idea what it's like being your father!
I had to bail you out of jail for defiling that Greyhound station!
Bus travel has lost all its class.
Dad, stop!
You shame Louis, but maybe if his lifestyle was more accepted,
he wouldn't have to do those things in secret at the bus station.
-Oh, Sue, I'd still go to the bus station. -See?
-The man's a deviant. -And you're a bigot!
Stan, come on. It's Thanksgiving.
Louis is a good guy.
Yeah, he's got a little sugar in his tank, but you know...
Sugar in the tank? I could kick your ass across this room.
-I was sticking up for you! -Stay out of this.
Like you should've stayed out of my daughter 15 years ago.
-Dad! -He's right.
Dad and I got along great until the day you married this balding piece of shit.
Eh, you know what? You two can just go fuck off!
Jesus Christ, this woman worked herself to the bone
to make this perfect day for you.
And she asked me to help. Did I complain?
A little at first.
But then, I cut short a very, very happy nap,
one of those good ones
where you're sleeping so peacefully you feel like you're dead,
you know, and you're thinking, "Oh my God, it's finally over,"
right, to drive my snotty kids to the grocery store
to get the fancy cranberries that I hate,
just to help her bring you two back together.
And now I'm the bad guy?
Well, fuck you and your fighting!
Jesus Christ, why don't you count your blessings?
You're lucky your old man's still alive.
Christ, what I wouldn't give to hear my dad call me a "whiny bitch"
just one more time!
I'm happy to fill in, shit-bird!
Oh, no, no, no, I said "whiny bitch," you fuck!
So fuck you, Stan! And fuck you, Louis!
And, Marilyn, I really enjoyed the story about the ducks.
I hope that law passes so the state doesn't kill 'em.
-Aw. -But fuck you!
Ah!
Oh, you like Grandpa Bill's keys.
Yeah.
He was a miserable son of a bitch, but his keys go jingle-jangle-jingle.
-Hey, Sue.
Look, I'm sorry that today went so badly for you.
I can't talk now.
I didn't eat anything all day.
Hey, remember how you said I was too obsessed
with figuring out what my dad meant when he said "box 16"?
Well, I think this thing with Louis is your version of that.
And it's not good for you either.
We're never gonna get what we want.
You're right.
I'm gonna go wolf down some cobbler
and then pass out in the bathtub with this thermos of mulled wine.
You're on Megan duty.
Guess what, Megan?
We never have to see Pop-Pop again
'cause Mommy was nutty today.
Yes, she was.
Ah!
Oh, you like that little one, huh?
Oh my God. Sixteen.
So much to be thankful for.
Holy shit!
-You okay down there? -Everyone's alive, honey bear!
Keep drinking!
I will turkey your grandchildren.