1 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,687 Okay, little one, 2 00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:23,106 if you can get through the day without making me puke, 3 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:26,568 I promise Mommy will get as sick as you like on the honeymoon. 4 00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:29,362 There's my angel. 5 00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:30,530 Is something wrong? 6 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:34,117 Oh. Oh, no, Daddy. I'm just so... 7 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,744 ...happy. 8 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,038 Susan, sweetheart, 9 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:39,956 do you have cold feet? 10 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,458 There's no shame if you do. 11 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:43,001 No. No, I don't. 12 00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,335 You're sure you don't? 13 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:45,295 I'm sure. 14 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,714 Okay, but it'd be really fine if you did. 15 00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,758 What? What are you saying? 16 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:54,054 I'll give you a thousand dollars to walk away right now. 17 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,847 -Daddy! -Three thousand. 18 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:57,015 A trip to Europe. 19 00:00:57,098 --> 00:01:00,351 Remember that pony you wanted when you were six? 20 00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,020 He's yours! 21 00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:05,440 Just come to your senses and call this whole thing off. 22 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,983 I'm marrying Frank today! 23 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,445 You know I have issues with that boy, 24 00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:14,240 and here you are, just throwing your life away 25 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,284 in a rush to marry him. 26 00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,495 Who plans a wedding in a week? 27 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:20,288 I just love him. That's all! 28 00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:22,832 -Well, I hate him! -Well, I'm marrying him! 29 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,586 And if you can't accept that, then I don't want to talk to you anymore! 30 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:28,088 More! More! 31 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:30,173 More! More! 32 00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:32,926 -More! More! More! 33 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:35,970 Oh, Sue, you're on fire! Old Franky boy's still got it! 34 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,098 Shut up, Dad! 35 00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:56,241 {\an8} 36 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,707 {\an8} 37 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:16,302 {\an8}- 38 00:02:16,386 --> 00:02:19,139 {\an8} 39 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:31,151 {\an8}All right, this one'll separate the doctors from the ditchdiggers. 40 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:35,989 {\an8}How many quarts of sawdust can I add to two gallons of chili 41 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:37,991 before it stops being food 42 00:02:38,074 --> 00:02:41,327 and becomes particleboard? 43 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,580 {\an8}Kevin Murphy, star pupil. 44 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:46,583 {\an8}-Uh... -Uh, uh, uh... 45 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:50,295 {\an8}Well, this "new you" didn't last long. 46 00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:52,297 You back on the wacky weed? 47 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,674 Oh, stupid! 48 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,092 {\an8}What a douche. 49 00:02:57,343 --> 00:03:00,138 I'm sorry, Mr. Durkin, but my grandfather just died, 50 00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:02,974 and it's really messing up my family. 51 00:03:03,057 --> 00:03:05,018 My mom's super tense all the time. 52 00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:07,687 I heard my dad crying in the bathroom last night, 53 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:11,024 and when I asked him if he was okay, he told me to go fuck myself. 54 00:03:11,774 --> 00:03:15,445 I know I'm only 15, but I feel like if something doesn't change, 55 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,739 I'm gonna wake up one day and be 40 56 00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:20,867 with a shit job and a rock-god kid who hates me. 57 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,455 And the answer is two quarts of sawdust 58 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:28,958 or 1.8927 liters of chili. 59 00:03:29,542 --> 00:03:31,127 {\an8} 60 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:35,757 Kids, I want to tell you how much I hate your generation. 61 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:40,929 I don't like your clothes, your haircuts, or your funky music. 62 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,598 Kevin, I've hated you the most. 63 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:47,477 But if sitting through 27 years of my own shattered dream 64 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,772 to make a difference is what it took to get to this moment, 65 00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:54,108 goddamn it, it was all worth it. 66 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,987 {\an8}Everyone turn your desk around. Now. 67 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,447 Don't look at me. 68 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,493 Durkin's crying again. 69 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,453 I hope you all overdose! 70 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:12,126 {\an8}Okay, kids, soon we'll be at Fort Rustland, 71 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,796 {\an8}the birthplace of our fair city, 72 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,340 {\an8}scene of the historic-- 73 00:04:17,423 --> 00:04:19,342 Look, a junkie! 74 00:04:22,387 --> 00:04:25,473 That bum is washing his ass in the fire hydrant! 75 00:04:25,556 --> 00:04:28,518 {\an8} 76 00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:30,687 {\an8}Keep it down, ya little shits, 77 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:34,816 {\an8}or I'll turn this bus around and drive it right into an oil tanker! 78 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,444 Thank you, Mr. Fitzy. 79 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,113 I said shut the fuck up! 80 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:44,492 {\an8}Hey, Maureen. I heard your grandpa died. 81 00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,494 Yeah, so? 82 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:48,830 That's from your grandpa from beyond the grave! 83 00:04:48,913 --> 00:04:51,374 -That's really fucked up! -That's the point. 84 00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:55,586 Oh my God, you popped my eye out! 85 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,422 Oh no, I'm sorry! 86 00:04:57,505 --> 00:04:58,673 You're going to jail! 87 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:00,967 They're gonna give you the dry end of a mop! 88 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:03,428 No, please! Don't send me to jail! 89 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:05,638 Glass eye! Fooled you! 90 00:05:06,764 --> 00:05:09,142 -Stupid bitch! -Oh, I'll get you. 91 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,269 And then your real eye is gonna pop out! 92 00:05:11,352 --> 00:05:15,648 The only thing that's gonna pop around here is your cherry, future slut. 93 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:18,526 {\an8} 94 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:24,157 Sue, you're the best little sister a guy could ever want. 95 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,868 Frank, you better take good care of her... 96 00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:30,538 ...or I'll give you the business! 97 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,961 Welcome to the family, Son. 98 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,464 -Aw. 99 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:43,051 If you ever make my little girl cry, 100 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:47,055 I will tear your tongue out by the root! 101 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,182 You already said that at the altar, Stan. 102 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,146 Jesus, Bob, he fucking hates me. 103 00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:57,315 Of course he does. You knocked up his little girl. 104 00:05:57,398 --> 00:05:59,025 Uh-- He doesn't know that yet. 105 00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:01,361 Ooh, then I have to rewrite my toast. 106 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,238 {\an8}I rented a Baby Huey costume and everything. 107 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:08,076 I wanted to tell him, but Sue's terrified of the bastard. Uh, she's a wreck. 108 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,414 Stress-eating. So sad. 109 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,751 I only do it for the nourishment. 110 00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:18,795 I love eating at weddings. 111 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:23,174 When everyone hits the dance floor, so much food is left behind. 112 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:26,552 I think in my past life I may have been a seagull. 113 00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:30,640 Oh God, that's good skin. 114 00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:34,394 My dad beat me. This guy's gonna kill me. The fucking Koreans were nicer. 115 00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:38,147 Don't forget, even if your real family goes tits up, 116 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,526 you'll always have me and your Mohican family. 117 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,909 This is my second funeral this week. 118 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:54,122 I just got shit-canned, Irv. You gotta get me a new gig. 119 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,916 They need any more sad Indians to cry about litter? 120 00:06:56,999 --> 00:06:58,793 I... I can pretend to give a fuck. 121 00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:00,503 Uh, this place won't be the same 122 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,589 without Rosie talking about how much he hates this place. 123 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,967 -Good for him, he took the buyout. 124 00:07:06,050 --> 00:07:08,344 Now he can follow his heart and be a full-time alderman. 125 00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:13,307 Not our totem poles! I talk to them when I'm high as balls! 126 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:16,310 Jesus, Red, calm down. We're gonna be okay. 127 00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:18,396 -We still have jobs. 128 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:21,566 We're working for a solid company, our checks won't bounce, 129 00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:25,736 and we're done with that nine-chinned, hot-dog-eating fuck Pogo. 130 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,156 That's true. I feel better already. 131 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:29,740 Goodbye, old friend. 132 00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:33,703 I'll never forget the wonderful times I spent dropping acid with you. 133 00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:37,540 We never did acid. That was speed. You got any more of those fuckers? 134 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,917 This is a private conversation! 135 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:43,504 Thanks to Mayor Tangenti's record of corruption and neglect, 136 00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:46,757 the Twelfth Ward Rec Center was just a place to score drugs. 137 00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:50,595 But now, it's a place to score baskets! 138 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:52,805 And drugs. 139 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:55,224 But that's not till after the sun goes down. 140 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,105 I'm so proud of you, Chauncey! 141 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,484 I'm not crying. It's just my organs shutting down. 142 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:06,194 Today, backboards. 143 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,780 Tomorrow, hot water above 198th Street! 144 00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:15,453 If it's hot water you want, it's hot water you're gonna get. 145 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,664 -I'm sorry, were you talking to me? -Shut up, Gary! 146 00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:30,885 Happy Rustland Heritage Day, 147 00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:34,514 and welcome to the 18th century! 148 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:38,726 What is that strange yellow buckboard you rode up in? 149 00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,436 It's a bus, dipshit. 150 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,981 On this day in November 1761, 151 00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:48,361 the colonists of Fort Rustland were tucking into their midday meal 152 00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,656 of salted mutton, salt crackers, and salt, 153 00:08:51,739 --> 00:08:54,784 when they were set upon by hostile Indians. 154 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:57,620 Sioux? Sioux Indians? 155 00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:01,791 The Shawnees! They launched a sneak attack! 156 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:06,337 Oh, look! Maureen and Bridget have yellow diarrhea! 157 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:08,506 -Need a diaper? 158 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:12,134 I'm gonna kick you in the box so hard that you'll never have a baby. 159 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:17,723 The bloodthirsty savages viciously stole several ears of corn 160 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,725 the whites had promised them. 161 00:09:19,809 --> 00:09:22,311 Let's beat it. This shit is boring. 162 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,856 Yeah. The French and Indian War had a much lower casualty count 163 00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:28,067 than later conflicts. 164 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:31,737 Huh, well, if it isn't the Rustvale Rat. 165 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:32,947 Oh, you. 166 00:09:33,489 --> 00:09:36,576 Look, it's that mouth-breathing pussy from Stoughton. 167 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,412 I didn't recognize you without my stick hanging out of your ass. 168 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:44,125 Oh, tough talk for a kid that's about to eat a mouthful of mitten! 169 00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:45,084 -Ow. 170 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,420 -You fucker! -Bitch kick! 171 00:09:47,503 --> 00:09:49,630 -No fighting. 172 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,591 I'll summon the constable. 173 00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:55,219 It's 1974, idiot. They're called "pigs" now. 174 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:56,971 -Get him! 175 00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,060 Oh, fuck. 176 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,520 -Run! -Get 'em! 177 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,107 Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. 178 00:10:08,190 --> 00:10:12,612 What a day to break in new penny loafers! 179 00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:20,620 That was a lovely ceremony. 180 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,581 And your brother Louis is a looker. 181 00:10:23,664 --> 00:10:25,583 Hmm. He's not your type. 182 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:27,418 Somebody has to be! 183 00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,129 Yesterday I thought a man was giving me the eye, 184 00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:34,091 but he just wanted to tell me I had lettuce stuck in my teeth. 185 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,927 My dad has been awful today. 186 00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:39,388 He called Frank a shifty, potato-eating mick. 187 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,973 Well, he's not wrong. 188 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:45,645 Do you think maybe he knows about, you know, "the boom in your womb"? 189 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,980 If he did, I'd be a widow by now. 190 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,608 I'll tell my folks after we get back from the honeymoon. 191 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:52,276 Tell us what? 192 00:11:03,287 --> 00:11:05,539 There's my grandbaby! 193 00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,709 I bought Megan happy paper from the pop-pop tree! 194 00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,087 Aw, it's so good to see you. 195 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,673 -Thanks for coming. -Of course. 196 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:17,885 What's wrong? You made it seem so urgent on the phone. 197 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:20,221 Well, this is hard for me to say. 198 00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:21,430 Um... 199 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,600 -Frank-- -You're finally getting a divorce! 200 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,060 I knew it! 201 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:28,479 -Didn't I? -Yes, you did. 202 00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:33,150 On the drive down, he pulled over to stop at a wishing well. 203 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,985 I'm not getting a divorce! 204 00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:40,241 When Frank's dad died, they left so many things unsaid. 205 00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:42,743 I just don't want that to happen to us. 206 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:47,665 Oh, Susan, aren't you darling? 207 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,584 We have no issues between us. 208 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,044 Daddy hates Frank! 209 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:53,337 You always have. 210 00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:55,172 Not always. 211 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:59,176 Just since the first moment I laid eyes on the worthless bastard. 212 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,476 I'm glad you're over your funk and feeling better. 213 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,479 Yeah, you like it when I'm not crying, don't ya? 214 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,231 Alice? Alice, are you in there? 215 00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:14,024 Oh no, it's my dad! 216 00:12:14,108 --> 00:12:16,193 What's he doing home in the middle of the day? 217 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,695 Does he have cancer or something? 218 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,822 Peanut, listen, I... I'm so sorry to bother you, 219 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,282 but my pen ran out of ink. 220 00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,242 Well, who do we have here? 221 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:26,287 -I wasn't doing anything! -Ah, you must be Kevin! 222 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,664 Dr. Erwin Goldman. 223 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,750 Alice says wonderful things about you. 224 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,836 -Dad, stop. -I-- I still wasn't doing anything. 225 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:35,796 There's no need for pretense. 226 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:40,968 I was young once, back when the Dead Sea was just sick. 227 00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:45,347 You both have healthy teenage urges, 228 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:50,102 but I think you're still a little young to be fully exploring your sexuality. 229 00:12:50,186 --> 00:12:53,022 Perhaps we could go back to my office and have a group encounter about-- 230 00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:55,816 Oh, you're so embarrassing! 231 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:59,111 You left me in the middle of our session, Dr. G! 232 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:02,406 I was gonna make a breakthrough, but you blew it! 233 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,868 Anything I do from here on out is on you. 234 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,621 -Oh, who's this fucking dink? -Eat me. 235 00:13:08,704 --> 00:13:09,789 Maybe I will. 236 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,374 Uh, wait in my office, Jeffrey. I'll be with you shortly. 237 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,959 Mmm. 238 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,421 Kevin, would you care to stay for dinner? I'm making coq au vin. 239 00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,174 -Sure, I'm really good at eating dinner. -Splendid. 240 00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:23,302 Now keep this door open, you two. 241 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,930 Oh my God, I'm gonna run away! 242 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,725 Fellas, my name is Ed. 243 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:34,855 I don't like to use the word "boss," so call me your new "friend in charge." 244 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,149 I know we were rivals in the past, 245 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:41,946 but if we all work together, Ala-Hican can be Ala-we-can. 246 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:45,825 Have an Ala-happy day. 247 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:50,079 See? Things are gonna be great. Ed's a marshmallow sandwich. 248 00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:53,290 You don't want to know what that is on a porn set. 249 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:56,669 My name is Burke, and I am your boss. 250 00:13:56,752 --> 00:14:00,631 And the first guy who wants to know whether Burke is my first or last name 251 00:14:00,714 --> 00:14:02,675 can meet me in the parking lot. 252 00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:06,679 You're not working for Mohican anymore. 253 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:08,722 This is a real airline. 254 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:11,058 That means you learn this, 255 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:14,186 front to back and back to front! 256 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:17,815 That ain't how I read, and that ain't how I wipe. 257 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,276 All right, calm down! He's a dick, but he's no Pogo. 258 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,486 Sorry. Go ahead, Burke. 259 00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,238 You don't get to call me that. 260 00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:28,534 You will refer to me as "president of ground operations." 261 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:29,577 Or POGO! 262 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:31,912 Oh, this guy can suck all the dicks! 263 00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,164 Guys! Guys, come on! 264 00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:36,667 All right, give me a sec, I'll... I'll bring them back. 265 00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:38,294 POGO. 266 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,212 Fuck this place. 267 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:44,049 Oh, man, that made me feel good. 268 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:47,261 And angry! And sleepy. And paranoid! 269 00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:50,306 Guys, you can't just walk out in the middle of a... 270 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,725 What the fuck is this place? 271 00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:54,685 We can't work with these assholes. 272 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,687 Look at these fucking rules! 273 00:14:56,770 --> 00:15:00,107 Shirts must be tucked in? Smile at customers? 274 00:15:00,190 --> 00:15:03,861 What's next? We can't fart in a jar and put it on a plane to Honolulu? 275 00:15:03,944 --> 00:15:07,114 -How long has this place been here? -We're gonna take the buyout. 276 00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:11,827 Then we'll become full-time pornographers in the city of dreams, 277 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,579 Chatsworth, California. 278 00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,248 Come on. You can't quit. We've been through a lot together. 279 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:17,458 We have a history. 280 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:18,626 Fuck history. 281 00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:21,170 Hey, that's our next porno. 282 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,672 Tits-topher Columbutt and Napoleon Legs-apart 283 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,799 tag-team Mary, Queen of Cocks! 284 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:29,345 It's educational, and you can empty your balls to it. 285 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,430 Guys, no, you can't leave! 286 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:33,682 Frank, calm down. 287 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,225 I'm glad you want to us to stay, 288 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:38,687 but we weren't super dedicated to our jobs. 289 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:43,984 Matter of fact, without the union, we'd probably be in jail. 290 00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:49,114 I've had a rough few days. Look, give me a chance to talk to Ed. 291 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,825 He's a pushover. I'll make everything okay. 292 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:55,704 All right, but if it don't work out, come with us to Chatsworth. 293 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,415 You could make a killing as a stunt ass! 294 00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:01,710 -Dad, I want you and Frank to make up. -Ha. 295 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,296 And I want you to do it at our house on Thanksgiving. 296 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,257 I'd rather kiss Tojo on Pearl Harbor Day. 297 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:08,884 Dad, this has to stop. 298 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,721 There's so much ill will between you and Frank, and I'm stuck in the middle. 299 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:16,976 I just can't understand what would make you attracted to someone 300 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,144 with that level of anger. 301 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,647 But fine. 302 00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,609 If it'll make you happy, we'll come to Thanksgiving. 303 00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:28,070 -I can be reasonable. -Great. 304 00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:31,156 -And I want to invite Louis. -Never in a million lifetimes! 305 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,659 He's gay, but he's your only son. 306 00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:36,203 -You two used to be so close. 307 00:16:36,286 --> 00:16:38,706 -Dad, you were inseparable. 308 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,083 Oh, Stan, not the buzzer thing. 309 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,420 Remember how you'd do the Charlie Chaplin walk together? 310 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,423 Louis is your flesh and blood. 311 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:50,759 You banished him from our family, and you've got to fix this. 312 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,262 Me? This is on you. 313 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:54,513 It is not! 314 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:59,143 Sweetie, I talk to Louis every few years. 315 00:16:59,226 --> 00:17:01,645 He definitely blames you. 316 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,106 Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! 317 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:07,443 After the Indians' cowardly sneak attack, 318 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:11,905 the white settlers planned a brave sneak attack in return. 319 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,451 Over here, I smell them! 320 00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,494 The redheaded kid has shit-breath. 321 00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:19,079 They're all redheads. 322 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,290 That's fucking weird, man. 323 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:22,666 They want to kill us. 324 00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,836 Guys, it's time to use the bully's secret weapon, 325 00:17:25,919 --> 00:17:27,254 being a pussy. 326 00:17:27,337 --> 00:17:29,381 We just got to find a grown-up to hide behind. 327 00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:33,010 What about that sad lady with the man's haircut? 328 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,387 Oh, what cologne are you wearing? 329 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,598 I made in my pants. 330 00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:40,976 Oh, you wanna make in my pants? 331 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,271 No, thank you, Cap'n. 332 00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,398 Oh, I almost had him. 333 00:17:47,107 --> 00:17:48,525 I'd rather get my ass kicked. 334 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,153 Why'd you have to spear that kid in the gooch? 335 00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:52,863 I didn't know he'd hold a grudge! 336 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:57,868 -Shit! We can't get to Amy. -Yes, we can. 337 00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:01,789 I saw this super funny movie with my dad for my birthday last year. 338 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:06,043 It was about this badass red-haired girl with special powers. 339 00:18:06,126 --> 00:18:08,170 Oh, yeah. Pippi Longstocking. 340 00:18:08,253 --> 00:18:09,963 No, The Exorcist. 341 00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:15,135 We can consign Amy to hell with your evil eye. 342 00:18:19,181 --> 00:18:20,474 Ed, you got a minute? 343 00:18:20,557 --> 00:18:25,187 For you, Frank, I have two. I was just listening to Harmo-Nation. 344 00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,981 You mean those creepy weirdos who played the Super Bowl Halftime Show? 345 00:18:28,065 --> 00:18:29,900 I was a Harmo for ten years. 346 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,360 Oh, they're great. 347 00:18:31,443 --> 00:18:33,654 Dead-eyed kids marching with banjos. 348 00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:36,031 I mean... ...that's good stuff. 349 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,325 Do you mind if I eat while we talk? 350 00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:43,122 All right, listen, Ed. Your guy's coming down too hard on my crew. 351 00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:46,583 You know, we had our own way of doing stuff that worked good for us, 352 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,461 and we... we want to keep doing things the Mohican way. 353 00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:50,587 You understand. 354 00:18:51,588 --> 00:18:53,298 No, I don't. 355 00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:55,926 Okay, well, if.. if I say it slower? 356 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,512 We had our way-- 357 00:18:58,595 --> 00:19:02,641 Frank, the "Mohican way" is why we own you now. 358 00:19:02,724 --> 00:19:04,268 Look at this place. 359 00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:09,314 Your time clock doesn't have a minute hand and still thinks it's 1961. 360 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,816 We're efficient. 361 00:19:10,899 --> 00:19:12,651 You were inefficient 362 00:19:12,734 --> 00:19:16,655 to the tune of two million dollars in lost luggage make-goods last year. 363 00:19:16,738 --> 00:19:19,700 Now, now, now, in our defense, half of that was Lassie. 364 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,994 And we didn't lose her. She just froze. 365 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:25,789 So, no, Frank. You fellas have to do what we say. 366 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:29,001 And I'll need you to come in for extra unpaid training this weekend. 367 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:34,798 Ah, my stars, a carrot's just a piece of candy grown by Mother Earth herself. 368 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:39,219 Ed, you can't treat us like this. Okay? We're half of this company. 369 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:42,347 Carl and Red are ready to bolt, and I will walk out that door with them. 370 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:46,351 Pardon my combative language, Frank, but do you really mean that? 371 00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:50,772 Oh, I am as serious as crotch-rot in July. This is no bluff. 372 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,984 I want the same buyout Rosie got, one week for every year. 373 00:19:54,067 --> 00:19:55,903 And I have been here for 20 years. 374 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,947 That's right, you were... the first time. 375 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,407 What? 376 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:04,786 You were fired last Christmas, and then you got rehired in April. 377 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,707 So, you've only really been here for six-and-a-half months. 378 00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:11,460 Here's your buyout. Do you have change for a 50? 379 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,045 Oh my God. 380 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:20,886 Robert, you are now the proprietor of one failed family pizza parlor 381 00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:23,597 slash robot-bear titty establishment. 382 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,391 Good to have you on my side this time 383 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:28,936 instead of threatening to bury a piece of me 384 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:31,438 under every stadium in America. 385 00:20:31,521 --> 00:20:35,025 Ah, yes, that was a good threat. 386 00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:40,197 This is the beginning of a profitable friendship. 387 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,700 It'll be 200 a month for rent and 800 a month for protection. 388 00:20:43,784 --> 00:20:46,078 Oh, glorious day! 389 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:51,166 I'm the happiest boy in the world! 390 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:08,141 I got her fucking spit. 391 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:11,395 Now we can begin the haunting. 392 00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:16,066 Evil meets evil. Drag Amy down south. 393 00:21:16,149 --> 00:21:19,444 Make that bum take a shit in her mouth. 394 00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,656 They have bricks. 395 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:26,410 How ever shall we get to the safe haven of our bus? 396 00:21:26,493 --> 00:21:30,330 Is this how scared you felt around me? 397 00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:31,915 That is so cool. 398 00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,458 Guys, look at this. 399 00:21:34,584 --> 00:21:38,046 They were outnumbered and faced impossible odds, 400 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,882 but the heroic white pioneers 401 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:47,764 used nothing but their wits... and guns to conquer the malnourished savages. 402 00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:50,225 I just got an idea. 403 00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:52,144 -Ah. 404 00:21:52,227 --> 00:21:54,688 -Ow, fuck, my breastbone! -Run! 405 00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:55,731 Whoa! 406 00:21:57,607 --> 00:21:58,525 You're dead! 407 00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:01,236 Oh, shit! Open the door! 408 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,281 -Don't go to the angels, Papa! Let us in! 409 00:22:04,364 --> 00:22:06,325 -Open up! -Open the door! 410 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:09,536 -Ah! No, Father Brown! 411 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:10,579 Ah! 412 00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:16,293 Hey! Hey, cut it out! 413 00:22:16,376 --> 00:22:18,003 Somebody shoot the bus! 414 00:22:18,962 --> 00:22:21,298 -Evil meets evil! 415 00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:22,424 Ah! 416 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,927 -Ugh. -Holy shit! 417 00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,763 The evil eye worked! 418 00:22:27,846 --> 00:22:29,556 Eh, can't breathe. 419 00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:31,641 Somebody phone an ambulance! 420 00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:33,435 Oh, now you know what it's called! 421 00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:35,062 What the hell is going on here? 422 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:36,396 He threw a plaque at us! 423 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,065 -He started it! -That's enough! 424 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:39,733 Okay, what are your names? 425 00:22:39,816 --> 00:22:40,901 Bill Murphy. 426 00:22:40,984 --> 00:22:42,611 Jimmy Fitzsimmons. 427 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:43,904 Don't you lie to me, boy! 428 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:46,490 But that's my name! It's Jimmy Fitzsimmons! 429 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:47,699 I said don't lie! 430 00:22:47,783 --> 00:22:49,076 Ah! 431 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:50,410 Die, die, die! 432 00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:01,797 I wanted to tell you, Daddy, but I was too afraid of what you'd do. 433 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:02,839 You were right. 434 00:23:02,923 --> 00:23:07,469 I'll kill that dirty-fingernailed Romeo who assaulted my baby! 435 00:23:07,552 --> 00:23:10,889 He didn't assault me, and I am not a baby! 436 00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:13,850 I'm 21. I can drink and vote, 437 00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:16,895 and now that I'm married, I can apply for a credit card. 438 00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:20,565 It better have a high limit, because you'll never get another penny out of me! 439 00:23:20,649 --> 00:23:23,026 No, Daddy, please! 440 00:23:23,110 --> 00:23:27,447 Hey, Sis, it's time to cut the cake and... Is everything all right? 441 00:23:27,531 --> 00:23:31,451 Your sister rushed into this marriage because she's going to have a baby. 442 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:33,620 Oh, Sue, no. It can't be. 443 00:23:33,703 --> 00:23:36,081 Oh, it be! 444 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,667 That grease monkey sullied her. 445 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,044 And in a Ford no less! 446 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,213 You're no longer a part of this family! 447 00:23:43,296 --> 00:23:44,756 Daddy, how could you say that? 448 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,383 You lied to me! 449 00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:50,387 I can't imagine a bigger disappointment in my life. 450 00:23:50,470 --> 00:23:53,223 Oh, yeah? Well, Louis is a fruitcake! 451 00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:54,266 Uh... 452 00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:57,602 You're a what cake? 453 00:23:57,686 --> 00:24:00,856 I will never forgive myself for what I did to Louis that night. 454 00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:03,358 And I know he hates me because of it. 455 00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,153 But you have been just as terrible to him. 456 00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,238 How can that be? 457 00:24:08,321 --> 00:24:12,075 Your father hasn't spoken to Louis in seven years. 458 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:15,078 Daddy, he's your son! Have a heart! 459 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,706 Why? So he can break it again? 460 00:24:17,789 --> 00:24:21,460 If you can't accept him, then I don't want you in my life. 461 00:24:21,543 --> 00:24:24,421 -Fine with me! -Stanley Burl Chilson! 462 00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:28,508 You've already lost a son. 463 00:24:28,592 --> 00:24:30,802 You want to go for a daughter now? 464 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,555 For Pete's sake, not you too. 465 00:24:33,638 --> 00:24:36,808 Darling, I always take your side, 466 00:24:36,892 --> 00:24:41,062 but I don't want to spend my golden years with just you, 467 00:24:41,146 --> 00:24:44,941 reliving the time you got a hole in one at Baltusrol. 468 00:24:45,025 --> 00:24:46,735 It was a miracle! 469 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:49,112 They comped my appetizers! 470 00:24:49,196 --> 00:24:51,907 I just want my family back together. 471 00:24:52,574 --> 00:24:54,659 Now, that's not fair. 472 00:24:54,743 --> 00:25:00,499 You know I can't stand to see you cry, which is maybe why you're doing it now. 473 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,334 It's not why I'm doing it now! 474 00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:05,295 Okay. Okay, angel. 475 00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:07,214 Please stop crying. 476 00:25:07,297 --> 00:25:09,216 We'll come to Thanksgiving. 477 00:25:09,299 --> 00:25:10,342 Thank you. 478 00:25:10,425 --> 00:25:15,597 And I'll be cordial with my so-called son. 479 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:21,186 But I get to tell that hole in one story, and you better not roll your eyes! 480 00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:34,157 Hail Satan. 481 00:25:34,241 --> 00:25:35,951 Kevin, we like to start our dinners off 482 00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:39,829 by sharing an amusing anecdote about our day. I'll start. 483 00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,874 I was with a patient earlier. 484 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:46,461 Sort of an odd-shaped man, looks a bit like a giant thumb. 485 00:25:47,087 --> 00:25:49,631 He compulsively defecates in the woods, 486 00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:50,840 and it all traces back 487 00:25:50,924 --> 00:25:53,385 to a horrible incident in his childhood when-- 488 00:25:53,468 --> 00:25:54,594 -Ooh. 489 00:25:54,678 --> 00:25:57,931 I'm afraid that means I have a patient waiting. Emergency session. 490 00:25:58,014 --> 00:26:01,518 But I'll be back in 48 minutes for our Monday night hootenanny. 491 00:26:01,601 --> 00:26:04,062 -I love singing! -Dad! 492 00:26:04,646 --> 00:26:07,816 Your mother informed me you had an incident today. 493 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,985 Why don't you tell me what happened? 494 00:26:10,068 --> 00:26:12,946 My brain went to the Red Place. 495 00:26:15,156 --> 00:26:18,577 Rustland City Mayor Anthony Tangenti announced a change in plans 496 00:26:18,660 --> 00:26:21,871 for the new elevated tollway between Whitesboro and Pinkton Heights 497 00:26:21,955 --> 00:26:23,248 late this afternoon. 498 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,834 Mommy did good today, sweetie. 499 00:26:25,917 --> 00:26:27,252 She didn't smoke. 500 00:26:27,794 --> 00:26:30,589 And our family is gonna be in great shape soon. 501 00:26:39,139 --> 00:26:40,515 Fuck. 502 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:44,936 The Joseph Valachi Tollway was slated to go through Little Ireland, 503 00:26:45,020 --> 00:26:47,188 but we found that running it through the Twelfth Ward 504 00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:50,358 was only gonna displace a few, uh, 505 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,527 undesirables. 506 00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:56,364 The way these people live, bulldozing their house is a step up. 507 00:26:56,448 --> 00:26:59,618 -Fuck that fucking motherfucker. -What was that, baby? 508 00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:02,162 I said, "Fuck that fucking motherfucker!" 509 00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:04,289 Just making sure you're all right. 510 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:51,336 Guitar solo! 511 00:27:58,551 --> 00:28:00,136 You're quite the picker, Kevin. 512 00:28:00,261 --> 00:28:01,721 Oh, you're not too bad yourself. 513 00:28:01,805 --> 00:28:04,641 You know, I once sat in with one of the Kingston Trio. 514 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:07,936 -I think it was the main one too. -Whoa! Seriously? 515 00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,105 I don't know who that is, but that is cool. 516 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:14,067 Alice, join us. -Oh, you're so embarrassing. 517 00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:19,072 Sioux? Sioux Indians?