1
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:10,301
Dad!
2
00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:14,514
-Dad! I got one on the line!
-I'll help you, son.
3
00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:16,808
-Ooh. Ooh.
4
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:22,272
Jeez, Dad, you're still strong as a bull.
5
00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:25,900
Oh, it takes more than a coronary
to stop me.
6
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:31,573
Those doctors can shove
that pacemaker right up their ass.
7
00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:32,991
Is that how they put it in you?
8
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:39,205
-I'm surprised you didn't ask for two!
9
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,292
Ah.
10
00:00:42,375 --> 00:00:46,296
I am so glad we have this time now
to patch things up between us.
11
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:48,465
I really thought
I was gonna lose you before
12
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:50,675
we had a chance to get to know each other.
13
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:57,265
Are you crying, Francine?
14
00:00:57,932 --> 00:01:01,478
-No, I'm just--
-I'll give you something to cry about.
15
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,856
-What?
-I'm gonna die on you now.
16
00:01:07,525 --> 00:01:08,777
No!
17
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,737
Oh, for corn sakes, we're losing him.
18
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,114
-Come on, do something!
-I am, Mr. Murphy.
19
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:15,158
Ah, the fuck you are!
When Colt Luger died,
20
00:01:15,241 --> 00:01:18,912
they shoved a still-beating monkey heart
down his throat, and he was fine!
21
00:01:18,995 --> 00:01:19,913
Clear!
22
00:01:21,122 --> 00:01:23,666
-Frank...
-Dad, what is it? What do you want to say?
23
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,795
Hey, hey, Frank, look at this!
I created a life!
24
00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,797
Not now, Vic.
Dad, what are you trying to say?
25
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:29,964
I...
26
00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,008
And this little dude is all Vic, man.
27
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:35,428
He'll need extra-large diapers,
if you get my drift.
28
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,473
You'll be seeing him
in Times Square, man.
29
00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:40,767
I'm saying
he's got a big ol' honking ass--
30
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,560
Will you shut the fuck up?
31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,230
-Frank... Frank...
32
00:01:45,313 --> 00:01:47,607
What is it, Dad?
What are you trying to tell me?
33
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:51,319
Box 16.
34
00:01:53,238 --> 00:01:56,116
Box 16. What the fuck does that mean?
35
00:01:57,283 --> 00:01:58,493
We lost him.
36
00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:01,371
Oh, no, you can't die
and leave me with that!
37
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,665
-Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch!
-Oh!
38
00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:06,042
-Dad, no! Stop hurting Grandpa!
39
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,877
Shut up!
40
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,254
I'm helping him!
41
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,047
Holy shit, Dad's crying.
42
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:15,969
Your father's not always like this.
43
00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:18,638
I will put you
through that fucking divider curtain!
44
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,365
{\an8}
45
00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,248
{\an8}
46
00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:56,926
{\an8}-
47
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:59,554
{\an8}
48
00:03:10,231 --> 00:03:11,065
{\an8}
49
00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:13,067
{\an8}He must've posed for this
between beatings.
50
00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:15,528
{\an8}Frank, we better leave
for the funeral home.
51
00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:18,406
{\an8}-The viewing starts in half an hour.
-Beautiful! Let's do it!
52
00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:21,451
Frank, you don't have to be strong.
53
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,578
You'll be going through
a lot of different feelings
54
00:03:23,661 --> 00:03:25,538
over these next few days.
55
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,624
The grieving process is complicated.
56
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,543
Well, is relief part of the process?
57
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,004
'Cause I feel
like I just finished my taxes.
58
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,924
Frank, you must be feeling
some kind of sadness.
59
00:03:36,007 --> 00:03:40,220
Nah, it's like eating a bologna sandwich
on white bread with no mustard.
60
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:42,722
I know I'm chewing something,
but there's no taste.
61
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:45,099
And when I belch later,
it won't remind me of anything.
62
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:46,601
If you say so.
63
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:50,146
{\an8}I do say so. Did the people
of Whoville cry when the Grinch died?
64
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,648
The Grinch didn't die.
65
00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:54,234
Everyone loved him
after he opened his heart.
66
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,694
-I don't remember that.
-That's because you turned off the TV
67
00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:00,281
in the middle, saying, "This green
cocksucker reminds me of my dad."
68
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,158
Oh, I was having fun.
69
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:06,454
All right, let's put
that miserable bastard in the ground.
70
00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:09,374
{\an8}God help the trees
around his burial plot, Sue.
71
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:12,001
They'll be on a shrink's couch
by the end of the week.
72
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:17,090
Yet another stunt
by daredevil Buster Thunder Junior
73
00:04:17,173 --> 00:04:19,133
has ended in disaster.
74
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,136
Warning,
the replay is graphic, disturbing,
75
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:24,514
and has been slowed down
for optimal viewing.
76
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,475
If there are
small children nearby, put them up front
77
00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:30,853
so they don't miss the wet sound
of his face scraping the asphalt.
78
00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:32,772
{\an8}-
-Ah!
79
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:36,818
{\an8}Oh, shit! I think I saw his balls
fly out his nutsack!
80
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:40,321
{\an8}Watch your mouth, Bill. I don't want
your sister hearing that language.
81
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:42,740
{\an8}-Oh, I'm used to it, Daddy. You--
82
00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,951
{\an8}Oh, you meant her.
83
00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:47,245
{\an8}Oh, honey, you're still my princess.
84
00:04:47,328 --> 00:04:49,580
But now you're a co-princess.
85
00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,749
Like Mike Douglas has a cohost.
86
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:53,334
That's a very important job.
87
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:55,586
You're Marty Allen. Never forget that.
88
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:59,007
Are we still having my birthday party
at the bowling alley on Sunday?
89
00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:01,718
What? When did I say we were doing that?
90
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,388
{\an8}Tuesday, after you came back
from talking to the funeral home man.
91
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,515
{\an8}Aw, jeez, I've been a little out of it.
92
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,350
You were really sad on Tuesday.
93
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,520
{\an8}I was not. Christ, can't a man
just stare at his shoes?
94
00:05:12,603 --> 00:05:16,232
{\an8}It's almost a quarter of. She said
she'd come over to watch the baby.
95
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,818
{\an8}
I've been sitting here for an hour!
96
00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,239
I've monsooned
through three sheets of the plastic!
97
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:30,621
Oh, I'll-a take-a good care of
this beautiful little piece of prosciutt
98
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:34,208
with some-a help
from my little assistant, Anthony.
99
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:37,545
I want a Lite-Brite
and a Buster Thunder Junior doll
100
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:40,631
and some nasty-ass pussy!
101
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:41,966
Thank you, Santy Claus.
102
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,385
Jerry Lewis shows us
his firearm collection,
103
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:48,097
tonight after
an all-new two-hour Colt Luger TV movie,
104
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:52,852
with special guest stars the LA Lakers
and former First Lady Pat Nixon!
105
00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:56,647
{\an8}Ah, and the worst part of all of this
is I got to miss Colt.
106
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:57,940
All right, here we go.
107
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:01,194
{\an8}The sooner we get to the funeral parlor,
the quicker it'll be over.
108
00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:02,278
Trick or treat!
109
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,738
Holy shit!
110
00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,031
-Ow!
111
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:07,784
Man, this house sucks!
That's two years in a row!
112
00:06:11,245 --> 00:06:15,792
I can't believe I have to miss out
on Halloween again. It stinks.
113
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:19,170
Yeah. I wish I was chucking eggs
at our house.
114
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:29,263
-Oh, ja, it is a very sad day.
-Yeah, he was such a... such a nice man.
115
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,519
He looks so old.
116
00:06:34,602 --> 00:06:37,939
-He looks like Dad with lipstick.
-Except he's smiling.
117
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:40,900
Maybe when you die,
you'll smile too, Daddy.
118
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:43,403
-Ear to ear, honey.
-Nobody else is dying!
119
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:47,073
Mr. Murphy, your father
would be proud to know that you chose
120
00:06:47,156 --> 00:06:50,201
the Mahogany Fortress X-Five-Hundred,
121
00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:51,953
the sturdiest coffin on the market.
122
00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:54,664
Jesus Christ himself
couldn't walk out of this baby.
123
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:57,917
If He was buried in it, we'd all be Jews!
124
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,794
Worth every penny.
125
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,963
A whole shitload of pennies.
126
00:07:02,046 --> 00:07:03,714
Yes, well,
127
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:05,925
there's no perfect time to do this,
128
00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:08,678
but... here's your invoice.
129
00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:12,640
Oh, sweet Jesus. Christ, why didn't we
just have him fucking bronzed?
130
00:07:12,723 --> 00:07:14,725
That is still an option.
131
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,686
Mommy, where's Grandpa Bill now?
132
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,396
He's right in front of you, idiot.
133
00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:21,023
Mom, tell her to cut it out!
134
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,650
Both of you, stop it!
135
00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:24,902
Grandpa's in heaven, honey.
136
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,489
Actually, because he didn't receive
the sacrament of last rites
137
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:29,615
before he died,
138
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:33,411
your grandfather's soul
is trapped in purgatory,
139
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:36,831
where every second
is like a hundred years of our time.
140
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:39,625
He's in purgatory? That's awful!
141
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:42,128
Yes, but he can get out with prayer.
142
00:07:42,211 --> 00:07:43,588
That's better than limbo,
143
00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:50,344
where unbaptized dead babies languish
just out of God's grace for all eternity.
144
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:54,182
-Sue, this guy is fucking me.
-Mom, is Grandpa trapped forever?
145
00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,976
Mom, can I take my tie off?
It's turning my neck green.
146
00:07:57,059 --> 00:08:00,021
Disposal fee?
I mean, that's what this whole thing is!
147
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:02,440
Ah, Christ, does the town pool charge you
for getting wet?
148
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:05,151
Mom, can we eat the food here,
or is it going in Grandpa's grave?
149
00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:09,572
Guys, please! I am trying to pray.
I could use a quiet moment.
150
00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,950
Oh, Murphys? Sad Murphys?
151
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:14,410
Oh, fuck me.
152
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,455
Oh, Sue! Come to my arms!
153
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,624
Ginny, I have to step outside.
I'm feeling sick.
154
00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:23,503
Aw, that's what Greg used to say
when I'd get out of the shower.
155
00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:27,381
-Oh, hi, Sue. What are you--
-Janet, thank you so much for coming.
156
00:08:27,465 --> 00:08:30,927
I know Frank will appreciate it,
but I need to get some air. Sorry.
157
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:35,264
Damn. I could get right with the IRS
if I had her.
158
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,599
Hands off!
159
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,559
We're in the PTA together.
160
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,977
Pussy, Tits, and Ass?
161
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:43,189
Y'all better not be trying
to unionize on me!
162
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,566
Corkage fee?
163
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:49,403
Uh, heya, Frank. Going through
a complicated range of emotions?
164
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:50,821
I'm fine, Goom.
165
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:53,616
Yeah, I was conflicted when I lost my dad.
166
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:57,328
He got fried when he leaned
on the electric fence he made me piss on.
167
00:08:57,411 --> 00:09:00,706
Ah, bittersweet.
That's how he smelled when it was over.
168
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,083
Leave me alone. I'm fine!
169
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,919
You poor, sad man.
170
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,338
I forgive you for the pants.
171
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,590
Uh... thank you?
172
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:13,427
So as long as a priest
gives you last rites before you die,
173
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:16,430
you can do any kind of crap
and still go to heaven?
174
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,015
Everything's forgiven,
175
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,851
except questioning
the rules of forgiveness.
176
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:24,188
Ugh, I wasted 12 years being good!
177
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,525
Guess what? It's Ash Thursday.
178
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,236
Ah! Ow, there was a lit one in there!
179
00:09:31,195 --> 00:09:32,280
Oh, you're dead!
180
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:37,034
Still wish we'd had kids?
181
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:42,206
Every moment of every day.
182
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,627
Ah, that Evelyn, always the joker.
183
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:47,962
Baby!
184
00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,173
I'm gonna kill you!
185
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:57,179
Holy shit.
186
00:09:58,472 --> 00:10:00,891
This is no place
for an alive little girl to be.
187
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:04,687
Ah, I'm here for my grandpa's funeral,
and my psycho brother wants to beat me up.
188
00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:06,480
Can I hide with you till he goes away?
189
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:10,443
Well, I'm doing
some, eh, not-so-pleasant things in here.
190
00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:13,696
I'm not scared.
I've seen dead bodies before.
191
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:16,157
A guy blew up in front of me
at the airport once.
192
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:19,285
Ah, yes, that Dunbarton boy.
193
00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,370
I was handed a big bag of soup that day.
194
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,956
Went through two whole buckets
of Head Hamburger.
195
00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:26,834
Uh... cool.
196
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,128
Your father was a wonderful man.
197
00:10:29,211 --> 00:10:31,922
The very first thing he said to me was,
198
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:35,801
"I don't believe you guys have horns
under your little hats."
199
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:37,595
Oh yeah, he was a peach.
200
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:40,765
A shitty, rotten peach
that beat me with a crutch.
201
00:10:43,267 --> 00:10:45,102
Don't listen to him.
202
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:48,981
-Hey, Dad.
-Kevin.
203
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,401
You know, I've been doing
some heavy thinking since Grandpa died,
204
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:57,073
and I wonder, is there a place in
the cemetery where I can plug in my amp?
205
00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:59,283
-What?
-And... and is there money in the budget
206
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,369
to get suits
for the other guys in the band?
207
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:03,496
What the fuck are you talking about?
208
00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:06,499
You know, for the song you commissioned me
to sing at the cemetery tomorrow.
209
00:11:06,582 --> 00:11:08,709
-When the hell did I do that?
-On Tuesday!
210
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:11,796
-Oh, fucking Tuesday.
-You said you were proud of me!
211
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:13,964
Aw, now you're just making shit up!
212
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:23,140
I even figured out how to write a bridge.
Fucking cock-knob.
213
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,476
-Oh, hey, Mom.
-I wasn't doing anything.
214
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,854
-What's happening?
-The guy you married is a dildo.
215
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:30,731
Ugh, Kevin, can you just--
216
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,858
You need to go back in there
and remind him
217
00:11:32,942 --> 00:11:37,738
that he specifically asked me
to write a rocking, uplifting anthem,
218
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,448
"Sky Grandpa."
219
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,825
-And I did--
-Kevin! No!
220
00:11:40,908 --> 00:11:43,869
-But Mom!
-Give your dad a break, okay?
221
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:46,914
He's going through a lot right now.
222
00:11:46,997 --> 00:11:48,708
He just lost his father.
223
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:53,045
We all need to set aside our own feelings
and be there for him.
224
00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:57,800
So... are you gonna talk to him
about my song or what?
225
00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:01,178
Kevin, come closer so I can hit you.
226
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:09,520
Maureen, I've got a surprise
for your face!
227
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:15,025
Oh, Dad,
I found one of those dead guy suits!
228
00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:18,696
Business in the front,
bathroom in the back!
229
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:21,574
-That's my boy!
-Hey, Jimmy. Whatcha doing?
230
00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:23,325
Early Christmas shopping.
231
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:26,245
Wanna hop in and get some dead guy shoes?
232
00:12:26,328 --> 00:12:28,581
Nah, I better keep my clothes nice.
233
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:32,084
My dad's returning them on Monday
to Irregular Discount Circus of Savings.
234
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:34,920
Dad, I found
one of those fucking dead dogs
235
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,757
rich ladies wear around their necks.
236
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,342
-Oh. Hi, Bill.
-Hey.
237
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,970
When are you gonna realize
what you lost in me?
238
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,639
-I don't care.
-Hey, I'm a catch!
239
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,058
My mom was a 36DD!
240
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:50,269
Fucking redheaded piece of shit.
241
00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:53,105
I just found out that church is a scam.
242
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:56,984
You don't have to do good things as long
as you get last rites before you die.
243
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,153
Oh, yeah, I'm banking on that.
244
00:12:59,236 --> 00:13:01,322
It's all about extreme unction.
245
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,782
I'm gonna be a priest.
246
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:06,535
-I thought you wanted to be a cop.
-I'm gonna be a cop and a priest.
247
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:11,749
That way I can fuck up all the shit I want
and then forgive myself.
248
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:15,002
They'll call me
"Officer Father Motherfucker"!
249
00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,421
Hey, Dad, I found some apricot wine!
250
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,090
Whatever makes you forget, son.
251
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:24,428
Your dad was a great man. A saint.
252
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,472
Yeah, thanks. Thanks.
253
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:29,475
The word "Christlike"
gets thrown around a lot these days,
254
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,976
but Big Bill Murphy was...
255
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,853
Ah, it's only ten after eight.
256
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,397
How much longer do I have to smile
and take this shit?
257
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:39,360
Big Bill told me
I could have his leg when he died.
258
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:42,279
It's the wrong size,
but the gesture alone was enough.
259
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:45,157
He was more of a dad to me
than my own dad.
260
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:49,161
He paid for my son's bus ticket
to basic training
261
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,163
and his casket coming home.
262
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,499
He was a million laughs at the lodge.
263
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:55,668
Always singing that beer jingle.
264
00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:58,003
He was an unselfish lover.
265
00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:01,549
He took a dump in the fish tank once
and said, "Look, Lake Erie!"
266
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,721
I could tell
he would've been an unselfish lover.
267
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:10,850
He gave me a great deal
on this little doozy.
268
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,521
Seven minutes? Fuck!
269
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,149
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
270
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,318
I just got so rattled back there.
271
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:23,779
I saw your grandfather in the casket,
272
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,699
and he looked like your dad.
273
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:30,327
And I just can't imagine life without him.
274
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:34,164
Wow, I never knew you loved Dad.
275
00:14:34,248 --> 00:14:35,666
Jesus, Kevin!
276
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:39,086
-Why do you think I married him?
-I don't know, to make him stop yelling?
277
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,630
We love each other very much,
278
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,758
and it really upsets me
that you don't get along with him.
279
00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:47,261
-Hmm, is that why you smoke?
-I don't smoke.
280
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,305
Come on, Mom. We all know.
281
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,309
Fine. There's one pack I keep
in the liver bowl in the refrigerator.
282
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,396
And in the toilet tank, uh,
the back of the clock, your Kotex box...
283
00:14:57,479 --> 00:15:00,274
-Why were you in my Kotex box?
-I was looking for cigarettes.
284
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:02,902
One of you is a Russian spy.
285
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:06,947
Well, I will be
uncle of monkey. Let me at him!
286
00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,285
Cancer sticks! Cancer sticks!
287
00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:18,918
Oh, Colt,
my long national nightmare is over.
288
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,003
Pardon this, Gerald Ford.
289
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,052
Thanks for the tuna fish. I'm starving.
290
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:31,388
And there are some name-brand sodas
in that fridge.
291
00:15:33,307 --> 00:15:35,017
-Ah!
292
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:36,852
All the rookies fall for that one.
293
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:38,520
That wasn't very nice to that man.
294
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:41,815
Oh, he doesn't know what I'm doing.
He's not really here.
295
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:44,944
Then where is he? And where's my grandpa?
296
00:15:45,527 --> 00:15:48,989
That's a question that philosophers
have struggled over for centuries.
297
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:51,367
Some believe in heaven.
298
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:55,245
Some believe the spirit
is passed on to another living thing.
299
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:59,750
I do know that once this gentleman died,
he wasn't in this body anymore.
300
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:02,670
Because if he was, what I'm doing to him
301
00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,381
would make me
one of history's greatest monsters.
302
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:09,134
Thanks. Can I stay
and watch what you do for a bit?
303
00:16:09,218 --> 00:16:10,886
Well, I can't see the harm.
304
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,187
Mom, you got to stop smoking!
305
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,606
If you die, you know what that means?
306
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:25,818
We'll be stuck with Dad.
We won't have a prayer.
307
00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:29,571
I smoke when I'm worried,
and this family makes me a nervous wreck.
308
00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:32,950
You not getting along with your father
is at the top of the list.
309
00:16:33,534 --> 00:16:37,746
So I'll tell you what. I'll quit smoking
if you make an effort with your dad.
310
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:43,085
Okay, fine. I won't call him a dildo,
even when he's at his dildo-iest.
311
00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,963
-Thank you.
-It'll be tough, but I'll do it.
312
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:51,135
Boy, you get along so great with your dad,
you're gonna have it easy when he dies.
313
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,309
-Spare a cigarette?
-Sure. There's a pack in my shirt pocket.
314
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:02,730
Hey, Frank.
315
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,232
Oh, am I glad to see you fellas.
316
00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:08,110
I can't take any more people
kissing my dead dad's ass.
317
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,320
And I don't need
anyone's fucking sympathy.
318
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:16,618
Oh, Frank, let me engulf you
in the loose folds of my bad choices.
319
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:21,999
Life is so precious.
320
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,418
You got to live every day
321
00:17:24,501 --> 00:17:28,047
like it's the last call
at the Chinatown Buffet.
322
00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,550
They'll tell you
they're out of crab wontons,
323
00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:32,926
but they're not!
324
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,012
They have more in the freezer.
325
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:38,682
They're just too lazy to thaw them out!
326
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,684
-Oh. Oh, okay, Bob.
-Yeah.
327
00:17:40,768 --> 00:17:44,104
Bob is right. We have to live for today.
328
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,482
Yeah, fuck tomorrow!
329
00:17:46,565 --> 00:17:48,692
It's all we have!
330
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:52,237
That's why I decided
I'm gonna live my dream
331
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:56,283
and open a restaurant
that only sells chicken skins.
332
00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:57,868
"Skinnees!"
333
00:17:57,951 --> 00:18:01,789
-How can you afford that?
-It's simple. Through treachery.
334
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:07,127
I encouraged Mrs. Dunbarton
to go ahead and sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
335
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,754
You what?
336
00:18:08,837 --> 00:18:10,422
The deal closed yesterday.
337
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,882
You told her to sell it?
338
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:17,012
Bob, when we almost died on that plane,
you said you were gonna stop that sale.
339
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,097
I know.
340
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:22,768
But thanks to your dad dying suddenly,
it made me change my mind again.
341
00:18:22,851 --> 00:18:25,395
-My dad?
-You fucked us, you son of a bitch!
342
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:28,357
Now, calm down. Let me finish.
343
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:34,154
You'll keep your jobs, working more hours
with lower pay and no benefits.
344
00:18:34,238 --> 00:18:36,532
I'm gonna suffocate you
with your own neck,
345
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:39,243
you pelican-chinned motherfucker!
346
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,665
I thought you'd be more mature about this!
347
00:18:44,748 --> 00:18:47,292
-Fuck you!
-You sold us out, you traitor!
348
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,464
Why can't you be happy for me?
349
00:18:57,761 --> 00:19:00,973
Well, Dad, 20 years of my life
just went out the window
350
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:02,724
all because you died.
351
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,811
So what? Now you're just gonna
keep fucking me from beyond the grave?
352
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,312
Frank, it's time.
353
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:09,773
Oh, thank the Son of God,
I can go home now.
354
00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:13,694
Oh, no, it's time for you
to make your eulogy for your father.
355
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:16,029
-My what?
-We discussed this on the phone on--
356
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,781
Fucking Tuesday!
357
00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:21,285
-Mr. Murphy, you can't go in there.
-The hell I can't!
358
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,663
Holy shit!
359
00:19:24,746 --> 00:19:29,001
Show some respect
for our fallen soiled angel!
360
00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,669
Sorry. Sorry.
361
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:34,631
Goddamn fucking bastard.
Fucking motherfucker.
362
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:39,219
Oh, honey.
Yeah, you can't swallow all that anger.
363
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,680
You gotta open up the car door
and spit it out.
364
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,807
Mind your own fucking business, all right?
365
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:47,644
-You don't know what I'm going through.
-Uh, I've been where you are.
366
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:52,107
I'm just getting over my father,
and he's been dead for 20 years.
367
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,400
Wow.
368
00:19:53,483 --> 00:19:55,903
Hey, what did you do
to deal with your anger about him?
369
00:19:56,778 --> 00:19:59,406
Oh, right. The whoring.
370
00:20:02,784 --> 00:20:04,119
Trick or treat!
371
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,288
-Look at those pussies.
-Yeah.
372
00:20:08,582 --> 00:20:10,000
Fuck that baby shit.
373
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:22,971
Shouldn't you go back in there and pay
respects to your old man's old man?
374
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:26,016
I guess so. He was a dick though.
375
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:30,604
So? My mom was a douche,
but she still made me yummy sandwiches.
376
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:34,066
Family is all you got in this world.
377
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:36,777
Don't ever forget it,
or I'll rip you a new ass pucker!
378
00:20:36,860 --> 00:20:40,197
We all said
she had a body that wouldn't quit,
379
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,699
but thanks to a crosstown bus, it did.
380
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:46,453
And he says, "Box 16."
What does that mean?
381
00:20:46,536 --> 00:20:49,248
I mean, his last moment on Earth,
he makes me into Banacek.
382
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,791
Fucking know-it-all in a turtleneck.
383
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:55,545
Feeling that rage is
all part of the natural process, you know.
384
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:59,925
This book I found shoved
under the toilet sink in the county lockup
385
00:21:00,008 --> 00:21:02,886
talks about the five stages of grief.
386
00:21:02,970 --> 00:21:06,640
Right now, you're in stage two.
That's anger.
387
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,518
Oh, lady, I was born in stage two.
388
00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:11,728
And now, we send him off...
389
00:21:11,812 --> 00:21:13,188
...with a kiss.
390
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,565
Thanks, Bobby. I'm not scared anymore.
391
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,651
I'm glad
I got to spend Halloween with you.
392
00:21:17,734 --> 00:21:19,695
For me, every night is Halloween.
393
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,072
Here. Trick or treat.
394
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:24,032
-Whoa.
-Hoo.
395
00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,411
Those things explode like cherry bombs
in a crematorium.
396
00:21:27,494 --> 00:21:30,289
Grieving is painful,
397
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:34,001
but you gotta go through it
to get to the other side.
398
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:36,753
That means you gotta let that anger out.
399
00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:39,506
There's no shame in being human.
400
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:40,882
Thank you.
401
00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:43,385
-Need a hankie?
-No, I'm good.
402
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:46,680
-Plus, I don't know where that's been.
-Yeah, you do.
403
00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:54,313
Dad, you selfish bastard.
404
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,857
You ruin my life, and then you die on me?
405
00:21:57,607 --> 00:22:01,153
Goddamn you! Fuck you!
406
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:02,404
Man, fuck you!
407
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,907
I can be in this neighborhood!
This ain't no sundown county,
408
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:07,617
you redneck motherfucker!
409
00:22:08,201 --> 00:22:11,038
Hey, Frank Murphy. Sorry for your loss.
410
00:22:17,586 --> 00:22:20,130
-Frank, are you--
-I am so much better, Sue.
411
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:23,216
A wise prostitute told me
it was okay to express my feelings.
412
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:27,429
Sometimes I wonder why I try.
413
00:22:29,681 --> 00:22:32,225
I've been asked to say
a few words about my dad.
414
00:22:32,934 --> 00:22:33,935
Here it goes.
415
00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:39,232
"William Francis Murphy
was born on March 14th, 1901
416
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,234
in Chinaman's Ferry."
417
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,759
Thank you!
You've been a really sad crowd today.
418
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,347
You doing all right?
419
00:23:10,430 --> 00:23:13,350
Aside from hearing that 20-minute song,
I'm fine.
420
00:23:13,433 --> 00:23:16,812
-Maureen, your bowling party is back on.
-It was off?
421
00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:36,706
Ah, one for you... and one for me
422
00:23:38,625 --> 00:23:41,336
I'm ready to settle up on lane 14. Murphy.
423
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:42,546
All right. Sure thing.
424
00:23:42,629 --> 00:23:45,882
Ah, there's gonna be an extra $20 charge
for the damage the diaper kid caused.
425
00:23:47,551 --> 00:23:50,053
This here watermelon done gone bad!
426
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,806
Hey, no sweat. I'm in a good mood.
427
00:23:52,889 --> 00:23:55,350
-And, oh yeah, your balls arrived.
-What balls?
428
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:59,229
The bowling balls you ordered on the 23rd.
Yeah, they just came in.
429
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,523
I have no idea what you're talking about.
430
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:02,649
Oh.
431
00:24:05,152 --> 00:24:07,237
Uh,
maybe a different Mr. Murphy ordered them.
432
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,532
-I'm not sure who it was.
-Me neither.
433
00:24:10,615 --> 00:24:13,452
Whoever bought these,
I sure as hell don't know him.
434
00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:14,828
Wow.
435
00:24:14,911 --> 00:24:15,871
They're gorgeous.
436
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:20,083
Uh, I guess some lucky guy and his dad
are gonna really love them.
437
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:24,254
You know, we have a father-and-son league
that bowls on Thursday, so...
438
00:24:26,548 --> 00:24:28,175
Why did you have to die?
439
00:24:28,675 --> 00:24:30,844
We missed out on so much!
440
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:32,596
We were just about to fix it!
441
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,724
Ah! No!
442
00:24:41,521 --> 00:24:43,773
Dad!
443
00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:46,610
Dad!
444
00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:48,987
You fucking bastard!