Dad!
-Dad! I got one on the line! -I'll help you, son.
-Ooh. Ooh.
Jeez, Dad, you're still strong as a bull.
Oh, it takes more than a coronary to stop me.
Those doctors can shove that pacemaker right up their ass.
Is that how they put it in you?
-I'm surprised you didn't ask for two!
Ah.
I am so glad we have this time now to patch things up between us.
I really thought I was gonna lose you before
we had a chance to get to know each other.
Are you crying, Francine?
-No, I'm just-- -I'll give you something to cry about.
-What? -I'm gonna die on you now.
No!
Oh, for corn sakes, we're losing him.
-Come on, do something! -I am, Mr. Murphy.
Ah, the fuck you are! When Colt Luger died,
they shoved a still-beating monkey heart down his throat, and he was fine!
Clear!
-Frank... -Dad, what is it? What do you want to say?
Hey, hey, Frank, look at this! I created a life!
Not now, Vic. Dad, what are you trying to say?
I...
And this little dude is all Vic, man.
He'll need extra-large diapers, if you get my drift.
You'll be seeing him in Times Square, man.
I'm saying he's got a big ol' honking ass--
Will you shut the fuck up?
-Frank... Frank...
What is it, Dad? What are you trying to tell me?
Box 16.
Box 16. What the fuck does that mean?
We lost him.
Oh, no, you can't die and leave me with that!
-Get up! Get up, you son of a bitch! -Oh!
-Dad, no! Stop hurting Grandpa!
Shut up!
I'm helping him!
Holy shit, Dad's crying.
Your father's not always like this.
I will put you through that fucking divider curtain!
-
He must've posed for this between beatings.
Frank, we better leave for the funeral home.
-The viewing starts in half an hour. -Beautiful! Let's do it!
Frank, you don't have to be strong.
You'll be going through a lot of different feelings
over these next few days.
The grieving process is complicated.
Well, is relief part of the process?
'Cause I feel like I just finished my taxes.
Frank, you must be feeling some kind of sadness.
Nah, it's like eating a bologna sandwich on white bread with no mustard.
I know I'm chewing something, but there's no taste.
And when I belch later, it won't remind me of anything.
If you say so.
I do say so. Did the people of Whoville cry when the Grinch died?
The Grinch didn't die.
Everyone loved him after he opened his heart.
-I don't remember that. -That's because you turned off the TV
in the middle, saying, "This green cocksucker reminds me of my dad."
Oh, I was having fun.
All right, let's put that miserable bastard in the ground.
God help the trees around his burial plot, Sue.
They'll be on a shrink's couch by the end of the week.
Yet another stunt by daredevil Buster Thunder Junior
has ended in disaster.
Warning, the replay is graphic, disturbing,
and has been slowed down for optimal viewing.
If there are small children nearby, put them up front
so they don't miss the wet sound of his face scraping the asphalt.
- -Ah!
Oh, shit! I think I saw his balls fly out his nutsack!
Watch your mouth, Bill. I don't want your sister hearing that language.
-Oh, I'm used to it, Daddy. You--
Oh, you meant her.
Oh, honey, you're still my princess.
But now you're a co-princess.
Like Mike Douglas has a cohost.
That's a very important job.
You're Marty Allen. Never forget that.
Are we still having my birthday party at the bowling alley on Sunday?
What? When did I say we were doing that?
Tuesday, after you came back from talking to the funeral home man.
Aw, jeez, I've been a little out of it.
You were really sad on Tuesday.
I was not. Christ, can't a man just stare at his shoes?
It's almost a quarter of. She said she'd come over to watch the baby.
I've been sitting here for an hour!
I've monsooned through three sheets of the plastic!
Oh, I'll-a take-a good care of this beautiful little piece of prosciutt
with some-a help from my little assistant, Anthony.
I want a Lite-Brite and a Buster Thunder Junior doll
and some nasty-ass pussy!
Thank you, Santy Claus.
Jerry Lewis shows us his firearm collection,
tonight after an all-new two-hour Colt Luger TV movie,
with special guest stars the LA Lakers and former First Lady Pat Nixon!
Ah, and the worst part of all of this is I got to miss Colt.
All right, here we go.
The sooner we get to the funeral parlor, the quicker it'll be over.
Trick or treat!
Holy shit!
-Ow!
Man, this house sucks! That's two years in a row!
I can't believe I have to miss out on Halloween again. It stinks.
Yeah. I wish I was chucking eggs at our house.
-Oh, ja, it is a very sad day. -Yeah, he was such a... such a nice man.
He looks so old.
-He looks like Dad with lipstick. -Except he's smiling.
Maybe when you die, you'll smile too, Daddy.
-Ear to ear, honey. -Nobody else is dying!
Mr. Murphy, your father would be proud to know that you chose
the Mahogany Fortress X-Five-Hundred,
the sturdiest coffin on the market.
Jesus Christ himself couldn't walk out of this baby.
If He was buried in it, we'd all be Jews!
Worth every penny.
A whole shitload of pennies.
Yes, well,
there's no perfect time to do this,
but... here's your invoice.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Christ, why didn't we just have him fucking bronzed?
That is still an option.
Mommy, where's Grandpa Bill now?
He's right in front of you, idiot.
Mom, tell her to cut it out!
Both of you, stop it!
Grandpa's in heaven, honey.
Actually, because he didn't receive the sacrament of last rites
before he died,
your grandfather's soul is trapped in purgatory,
where every second is like a hundred years of our time.
He's in purgatory? That's awful!
Yes, but he can get out with prayer.
That's better than limbo,
where unbaptized dead babies languish just out of God's grace for all eternity.
-Sue, this guy is fucking me. -Mom, is Grandpa trapped forever?
Mom, can I take my tie off? It's turning my neck green.
Disposal fee? I mean, that's what this whole thing is!
Ah, Christ, does the town pool charge you for getting wet?
Mom, can we eat the food here, or is it going in Grandpa's grave?
Guys, please! I am trying to pray. I could use a quiet moment.
Oh, Murphys? Sad Murphys?
Oh, fuck me.
Oh, Sue! Come to my arms!
Ginny, I have to step outside. I'm feeling sick.
Aw, that's what Greg used to say when I'd get out of the shower.
-Oh, hi, Sue. What are you-- -Janet, thank you so much for coming.
I know Frank will appreciate it, but I need to get some air. Sorry.
Damn. I could get right with the IRS if I had her.
Hands off!
We're in the PTA together.
Pussy, Tits, and Ass?
Y'all better not be trying to unionize on me!
Corkage fee?
Uh, heya, Frank. Going through a complicated range of emotions?
I'm fine, Goom.
Yeah, I was conflicted when I lost my dad.
He got fried when he leaned on the electric fence he made me piss on.
Ah, bittersweet. That's how he smelled when it was over.
Leave me alone. I'm fine!
You poor, sad man.
I forgive you for the pants.
Uh... thank you?
So as long as a priest gives you last rites before you die,
you can do any kind of crap and still go to heaven?
Everything's forgiven,
except questioning the rules of forgiveness.
Ugh, I wasted 12 years being good!
Guess what? It's Ash Thursday.
Ah! Ow, there was a lit one in there!
Oh, you're dead!
Still wish we'd had kids?
Every moment of every day.
Ah, that Evelyn, always the joker.
Baby!
I'm gonna kill you!
Holy shit.
This is no place for an alive little girl to be.
Ah, I'm here for my grandpa's funeral, and my psycho brother wants to beat me up.
Can I hide with you till he goes away?
Well, I'm doing some, eh, not-so-pleasant things in here.
I'm not scared. I've seen dead bodies before.
A guy blew up in front of me at the airport once.
Ah, yes, that Dunbarton boy.
I was handed a big bag of soup that day.
Went through two whole buckets of Head Hamburger.
Uh... cool.
Your father was a wonderful man.
The very first thing he said to me was,
"I don't believe you guys have horns under your little hats."
Oh yeah, he was a peach.
A shitty, rotten peach that beat me with a crutch.
Don't listen to him.
-Hey, Dad. -Kevin.
You know, I've been doing some heavy thinking since Grandpa died,
and I wonder, is there a place in the cemetery where I can plug in my amp?
-What? -And... and is there money in the budget
to get suits for the other guys in the band?
What the fuck are you talking about?
You know, for the song you commissioned me to sing at the cemetery tomorrow.
-When the hell did I do that? -On Tuesday!
-Oh, fucking Tuesday. -You said you were proud of me!
Aw, now you're just making shit up!
I even figured out how to write a bridge. Fucking cock-knob.
-Oh, hey, Mom. -I wasn't doing anything.
-What's happening? -The guy you married is a dildo.
Ugh, Kevin, can you just--
You need to go back in there and remind him
that he specifically asked me to write a rocking, uplifting anthem,
"Sky Grandpa."
-And I did-- -Kevin! No!
-But Mom! -Give your dad a break, okay?
He's going through a lot right now.
He just lost his father.
We all need to set aside our own feelings and be there for him.
So... are you gonna talk to him about my song or what?
Kevin, come closer so I can hit you.
Maureen, I've got a surprise for your face!
Oh, Dad, I found one of those dead guy suits!
Business in the front, bathroom in the back!
-That's my boy! -Hey, Jimmy. Whatcha doing?
Early Christmas shopping.
Wanna hop in and get some dead guy shoes?
Nah, I better keep my clothes nice.
My dad's returning them on Monday to Irregular Discount Circus of Savings.
Dad, I found one of those fucking dead dogs
rich ladies wear around their necks.
-Oh. Hi, Bill. -Hey.
When are you gonna realize what you lost in me?
-I don't care. -Hey, I'm a catch!
My mom was a 36DD!
Fucking redheaded piece of shit.
I just found out that church is a scam.
You don't have to do good things as long as you get last rites before you die.
Oh, yeah, I'm banking on that.
It's all about extreme unction.
I'm gonna be a priest.
-I thought you wanted to be a cop. -I'm gonna be a cop and a priest.
That way I can fuck up all the shit I want and then forgive myself.
They'll call me "Officer Father Motherfucker"!
Hey, Dad, I found some apricot wine!
Whatever makes you forget, son.
Your dad was a great man. A saint.
Yeah, thanks. Thanks.
The word "Christlike" gets thrown around a lot these days,
but Big Bill Murphy was...
Ah, it's only ten after eight.
How much longer do I have to smile and take this shit?
Big Bill told me I could have his leg when he died.
It's the wrong size, but the gesture alone was enough.
He was more of a dad to me than my own dad.
He paid for my son's bus ticket to basic training
and his casket coming home.
He was a million laughs at the lodge.
Always singing that beer jingle.
He was an unselfish lover.
He took a dump in the fish tank once and said, "Look, Lake Erie!"
I could tell he would've been an unselfish lover.
He gave me a great deal on this little doozy.
Seven minutes? Fuck!
I'm sorry I snapped at you.
I just got so rattled back there.
I saw your grandfather in the casket,
and he looked like your dad.
And I just can't imagine life without him.
Wow, I never knew you loved Dad.
Jesus, Kevin!
-Why do you think I married him? -I don't know, to make him stop yelling?
We love each other very much,
and it really upsets me that you don't get along with him.
-Hmm, is that why you smoke? -I don't smoke.
Come on, Mom. We all know.
Fine. There's one pack I keep in the liver bowl in the refrigerator.
And in the toilet tank, uh, the back of the clock, your Kotex box...
-Why were you in my Kotex box? -I was looking for cigarettes.
One of you is a Russian spy.
Well, I will be uncle of monkey. Let me at him!
Cancer sticks! Cancer sticks!
Oh, Colt, my long national nightmare is over.
Pardon this, Gerald Ford.
Thanks for the tuna fish. I'm starving.
And there are some name-brand sodas in that fridge.
-Ah!
All the rookies fall for that one.
That wasn't very nice to that man.
Oh, he doesn't know what I'm doing. He's not really here.
Then where is he? And where's my grandpa?
That's a question that philosophers have struggled over for centuries.
Some believe in heaven.
Some believe the spirit is passed on to another living thing.
I do know that once this gentleman died, he wasn't in this body anymore.
Because if he was, what I'm doing to him
would make me one of history's greatest monsters.
Thanks. Can I stay and watch what you do for a bit?
Well, I can't see the harm.
Mom, you got to stop smoking!
If you die, you know what that means?
We'll be stuck with Dad. We won't have a prayer.
I smoke when I'm worried, and this family makes me a nervous wreck.
You not getting along with your father is at the top of the list.
So I'll tell you what. I'll quit smoking if you make an effort with your dad.
Okay, fine. I won't call him a dildo, even when he's at his dildo-iest.
-Thank you. -It'll be tough, but I'll do it.
Boy, you get along so great with your dad, you're gonna have it easy when he dies.
-Spare a cigarette? -Sure. There's a pack in my shirt pocket.
Hey, Frank.
Oh, am I glad to see you fellas.
I can't take any more people kissing my dead dad's ass.
And I don't need anyone's fucking sympathy.
Oh, Frank, let me engulf you in the loose folds of my bad choices.
Life is so precious.
You got to live every day
like it's the last call at the Chinatown Buffet.
They'll tell you they're out of crab wontons,
but they're not!
They have more in the freezer.
They're just too lazy to thaw them out!
-Oh. Oh, okay, Bob. -Yeah.
Bob is right. We have to live for today.
Yeah, fuck tomorrow!
It's all we have!
That's why I decided I'm gonna live my dream
and open a restaurant that only sells chicken skins.
"Skinnees!"
-How can you afford that? -It's simple. Through treachery.
I encouraged Mrs. Dunbarton to go ahead and sell Mohican to Alaquippa.
You what?
The deal closed yesterday.
You told her to sell it?
Bob, when we almost died on that plane, you said you were gonna stop that sale.
I know.
But thanks to your dad dying suddenly, it made me change my mind again.
-My dad? -You fucked us, you son of a bitch!
Now, calm down. Let me finish.
You'll keep your jobs, working more hours with lower pay and no benefits.
I'm gonna suffocate you with your own neck,
you pelican-chinned motherfucker!
I thought you'd be more mature about this!
-Fuck you! -You sold us out, you traitor!
Why can't you be happy for me?
Well, Dad, 20 years of my life just went out the window
all because you died.
So what? Now you're just gonna keep fucking me from beyond the grave?
Frank, it's time.
Oh, thank the Son of God, I can go home now.
Oh, no, it's time for you to make your eulogy for your father.
-My what? -We discussed this on the phone on--
Fucking Tuesday!
-Mr. Murphy, you can't go in there. -The hell I can't!
Holy shit!
Show some respect for our fallen soiled angel!
Sorry. Sorry.
Goddamn fucking bastard. Fucking motherfucker.
Oh, honey. Yeah, you can't swallow all that anger.
You gotta open up the car door and spit it out.
Mind your own fucking business, all right?
-You don't know what I'm going through. -Uh, I've been where you are.
I'm just getting over my father, and he's been dead for 20 years.
Wow.
Hey, what did you do to deal with your anger about him?
Oh, right. The whoring.
Trick or treat!
-Look at those pussies. -Yeah.
Fuck that baby shit.
Shouldn't you go back in there and pay respects to your old man's old man?
I guess so. He was a dick though.
So? My mom was a douche, but she still made me yummy sandwiches.
Family is all you got in this world.
Don't ever forget it, or I'll rip you a new ass pucker!
We all said she had a body that wouldn't quit,
but thanks to a crosstown bus, it did.
And he says, "Box 16." What does that mean?
I mean, his last moment on Earth, he makes me into Banacek.
Fucking know-it-all in a turtleneck.
Feeling that rage is all part of the natural process, you know.
This book I found shoved under the toilet sink in the county lockup
talks about the five stages of grief.
Right now, you're in stage two. That's anger.
Oh, lady, I was born in stage two.
And now, we send him off...
...with a kiss.
Thanks, Bobby. I'm not scared anymore.
I'm glad I got to spend Halloween with you.
For me, every night is Halloween.
Here. Trick or treat.
-Whoa. -Hoo.
Those things explode like cherry bombs in a crematorium.
Grieving is painful,
but you gotta go through it to get to the other side.
That means you gotta let that anger out.
There's no shame in being human.
Thank you.
-Need a hankie? -No, I'm good.
-Plus, I don't know where that's been. -Yeah, you do.
Dad, you selfish bastard.
You ruin my life, and then you die on me?
Goddamn you! Fuck you!
Man, fuck you!
I can be in this neighborhood! This ain't no sundown county,
you redneck motherfucker!
Hey, Frank Murphy. Sorry for your loss.
-Frank, are you-- -I am so much better, Sue.
A wise prostitute told me it was okay to express my feelings.
Sometimes I wonder why I try.
I've been asked to say a few words about my dad.
Here it goes.
"William Francis Murphy was born on March 14th, 1901
in Chinaman's Ferry."
Thank you! You've been a really sad crowd today.
You doing all right?
Aside from hearing that 20-minute song, I'm fine.
-Maureen, your bowling party is back on. -It was off?
Ah, one for you... and one for me
I'm ready to settle up on lane 14. Murphy.
All right. Sure thing.
Ah, there's gonna be an extra $20 charge for the damage the diaper kid caused.
This here watermelon done gone bad!
Hey, no sweat. I'm in a good mood.
-And, oh yeah, your balls arrived. -What balls?
The bowling balls you ordered on the 23rd. Yeah, they just came in.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh.
Uh, maybe a different Mr. Murphy ordered them.
-I'm not sure who it was. -Me neither.
Whoever bought these, I sure as hell don't know him.
Wow.
They're gorgeous.
Uh, I guess some lucky guy and his dad are gonna really love them.
You know, we have a father-and-son league that bowls on Thursday, so...
Why did you have to die?
We missed out on so much!
We were just about to fix it!
Ah! No!
Dad!
You fucking bastard!