1 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:24,976 Oh, yeah. That's pure lye. 2 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,944 All right, let's get it over with. 3 00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:34,084 You think you little bastards are better than me? Well, you're not! 4 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,539 Most of your parents will get divorced! 5 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,873 ♪ School's back ♪ 6 00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:40,365 ♪ School's back ♪ 7 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,577 ♪ School's back ♪ 8 00:00:42,667 --> 00:00:44,167 ♪ Back in session ♪ 9 00:00:44,252 --> 00:00:45,752 ♪ School's back ♪ 10 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:48,047 ♪ School's back ♪ 11 00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,431 ♪ School's back ♪ 12 00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:52,467 ♪ We're doing our lessons... ♪ 13 00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:54,642 Did you miss Papa? 14 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:58,635 You know what? You know what? You know what? 15 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,072 ♪ Because school's back ♪ 16 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,864 ♪ School's back ♪ 17 00:01:12,947 --> 00:01:14,867 ♪ School's back ♪ 18 00:01:14,949 --> 00:01:16,789 ♪ Back for autumn ♪ 19 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,498 ♪ School's back ♪ 20 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,788 ♪ School's back ♪ 21 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:22,001 ♪ School's back ♪ 22 00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,212 ♪ Homework is awesome ♪ 23 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:28,090 Aw, what the... Gum?! 24 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,261 Whoever the fuck threw this is gonna... Oh, no. 25 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,931 Miss me, cum catcher? 26 00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,720 Aw, shit! 27 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,074 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 28 00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:53,742 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 29 00:01:55,573 --> 00:01:57,873 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 30 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,330 ♪ Come and get your love ♪ 31 00:02:03,748 --> 00:02:05,748 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 32 00:02:05,834 --> 00:02:07,254 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 33 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,381 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 34 00:02:10,405 --> 00:02:11,756 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 35 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:12,880 Ah! 36 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,886 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 37 00:02:14,910 --> 00:02:16,660 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 38 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,474 ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ 39 00:02:19,498 --> 00:02:21,177 ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ 40 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:25,439 Hey, children! 41 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,770 It's Chipsy White from the ABS hit comedy There's a Fairy on my Shoulder. 42 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:31,438 I'm here to give you the skinny 43 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:35,486 on ABS's out-of-sight fall Saturday morning lineup. 44 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:40,162 Starting at 4:00 a.m. tomorrow, we've got 57 all-new cartoons coming at you, 45 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,663 like The Sleepy Ramirez Mysteries, 46 00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:44,455 Hubert the Friendly Cigarette!, 47 00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,749 Fat Albert "Who the Deaf Girl Is?" 48 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:49,463 and Watts Worlds Travelers in Outer Space! 49 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:54,223 Let's split! These spooky space sea monsters don't play space fair. 50 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:57,089 Space feets don't space fail me now! 51 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:05,098 You can't dribble on Saturn's rings. They're ice particles. 52 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:08,225 And dogs can't talk. It's a fucking cartoon! 53 00:03:08,313 --> 00:03:10,823 Kids, finish your Hamburger Assistant Apprentice. 54 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,739 We're leaving for back-to-school night as soon as your father gets home. 55 00:03:13,763 --> 00:03:14,356 Yay! 56 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:19,414 I've got to go to school twice in one day? Ben and Ken don't even have to go once. 57 00:03:19,490 --> 00:03:21,530 Ben and Ken eat pigeons. 58 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,908 Now get ready. We're all going. 59 00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:27,575 He's just afraid Bridget Fitzsimmons might be there. 60 00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:29,385 I thought that girl went to Catholic school. 61 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:32,699 They kicked her out because she choked a nun with her rosary beads. 62 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:40,175 Well, um... you're going with your father tonight, so stay close to him. 63 00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,261 Not Dad. 64 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,556 He's been so grouchy ever since Grandpa came around 65 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,680 and started buying us ice cream every day. 66 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,227 Goddamn son of a bitch. He better steer clear of me tonight, 67 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:51,442 or he'll be snacking on a knuckle sandwich. 68 00:03:51,522 --> 00:03:53,642 He'll have to smoke that pipe through his fucking ass. 69 00:03:53,666 --> 00:03:56,238 - Your dad's not here. - Jesus Christ, Goomer! 70 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:57,989 You trying to give me a fucking stroke? 71 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,991 Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean he's not here? 72 00:04:00,015 --> 00:04:01,486 I think he's off on a sales trip. 73 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,914 He's gone? Are you sure? 74 00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:07,663 Well, he packed his brown suitcase with five pair of Jockey shorts. 75 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,417 You could be looking at ten days there 76 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:12,959 because I noticed he doubles up on the weekends. 77 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,464 Goom, I love you. 78 00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:16,255 Don't be a creep, Frank. 79 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,180 Heya, Vic! You moving out? 80 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:26,352 No, man, I wouldn't leave Frank and his little beans. 81 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:30,772 I'm turning dirty 30, so I'm throwing myself a surprise birthday party tonight. 82 00:04:30,853 --> 00:04:31,903 Hope you don't mind. 83 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,770 - We may be getting a little loud. - Why should I mind? 84 00:04:34,857 --> 00:04:38,527 The only thing that could ruin my mood is gone for the next ten days. 85 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,702 Hey, it's the little fella who fucked on my car! 86 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:44,202 How old are you now? 87 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,414 Forty-three. 88 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:50,416 Sammy Chang and the Ching-Chong Gang starring Paul Winchell. 89 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:53,498 William Murphy! What was your croquet mallet doing on the front lawn? 90 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:56,884 I forgot to bring it in. Sorry, Dad. 91 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,593 Ah, that's okay, son. 92 00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,973 It was just the birthday gift that you had to have, 93 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:03,510 and I drove to six different stores to find it. 94 00:05:03,594 --> 00:05:06,814 Fuck it! My time is your time! 95 00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,679 Hello, my love. Muah. 96 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:09,926 How was work? 97 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:13,728 Worst fucking day of my life. Let's eat! 98 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:16,153 Frank, there's no time for dinner. 99 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:18,862 We have to get to back-to-school night to meet the kids' teachers. 100 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,363 I hope you didn't forget. 101 00:05:20,445 --> 00:05:23,525 I most certainly did, but that's okay. 102 00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:26,084 Well, they scheduled both schools for tonight. 103 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,749 I thought you'd take Bill and Maureen, and I'd take Kevin. 104 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,458 Oh, perfect. Kevin has zero respect for me. 105 00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,079 It's not only that. 106 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:38,126 I just heard about a special program that could put him on the college track. 107 00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:39,512 There's one spot left, 108 00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,589 and I'm gonna talk to the principal tonight about getting Kevin in it. 109 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,965 Whatever you can do to make sure Kevin and his rotten kids 110 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,603 aren't farting up my couch when he's 40, I'm all for it. 111 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,600 What do you care? You'll be dead by then anyway. 112 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,942 And I look forward to that. Let's hit the road! 113 00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:58,653 It's good that he's happy, right? 114 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:02,283 I'll sit up front so I can grab the wheel if he tries to drive us into a tree. 115 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:09,736 Honey, if we get you in this program, you can really turn things around. 116 00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:13,037 And when you're successful, you'll look back and say, 117 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:17,592 "Thanks, Mom, this was the night when everything changed for me." 118 00:06:17,668 --> 00:06:19,378 Boy, that was a lot of reading. 119 00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:23,666 Another page? This book is stupid! 120 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:30,813 I'm excited for you to meet Mr. Konicki, the computer teacher. 121 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,940 The pony-tailed lesbian who kicked you off the parade float? 122 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,018 Ah, I can't wait. 123 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,983 I was maybe gonna sign up for the hockey team. 124 00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:39,318 Think you can take me to tryouts this time? 125 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,479 Door-to-door service, my little buddy. 126 00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:44,356 You know, it's great you're playing hockey again, Bill. 127 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:47,315 It'll take your mind off that cute little girl who almost killed you. 128 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,987 You know what I'm going through? 129 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,736 Well, I'm your father, aren't I? 130 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,538 You know what? Forget Bridget. 131 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:56,831 She'll be upstate with a distended belly by next summer. 132 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,216 You really think so? 133 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:05,430 But I mean it was only a rash, and I think that... 134 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,968 See, honey? 135 00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:12,271 If you really apply yourself, someday you can be in this case like Mom. 136 00:07:12,348 --> 00:07:15,728 Oh, there's Principal Morgan. Give me a couple of minutes to sing your praises, 137 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,900 then you come in, be a superstar, 138 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:20,059 and that last slot in the program is yours. 139 00:07:21,899 --> 00:07:22,899 Oh, man. 140 00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,154 What's wrong, honey? 141 00:07:24,235 --> 00:07:26,115 How come you didn't get to keep your own trophy? 142 00:07:26,139 --> 00:07:29,410 I got a copy! Jesus Christ, focus on your future! 143 00:07:29,490 --> 00:07:30,790 Okay, I will! 144 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,290 Just seemed odd to me. 145 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:34,669 Focus! 146 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,748 Hey, Kev, why so sad? 147 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:40,292 My mom wants me to excel. It sucks! 148 00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,916 I've got a way to make your mind excel. 149 00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:49,585 'Shrooms, to unlock the phantasmagorical wisdom of the ancients. 150 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,010 I picked them in that pet cemetery where all the hobos shit. 151 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:03,520 Kid, you want to be on the hockey team? Asians are natural skaters. 152 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,148 Your shirt says "cooch." 153 00:08:05,234 --> 00:08:08,494 I think it says, "Don't question my father, you little fuck-turd!" 154 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:09,741 Okay, okay, okay! 155 00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:14,082 But, uh, hypothetically, if I wanted to spell "coach," 156 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,160 how would I... how would I do it? 157 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,371 Okay, write this down: 158 00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:22,134 C-O... 159 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,050 I knew it. What's the next letter? 160 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:28,588 If my Philly tells you he has to go to the boys' room, you believe him. 161 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,474 Even if he just went. 162 00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:34,141 Mother! I'm good at holding it in now. 163 00:08:34,222 --> 00:08:38,562 That's not healthy. The naughty juice backs up into the brain. 164 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,143 Go talk to your little friends. 165 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,478 I'm gonna go read the paper on a kid-sized toilet. 166 00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,323 What's shaking, dick flick? 167 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:45,608 Ow! 168 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,321 Just ride it out, Bill! 169 00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:50,451 You can't confront crazy. You just have to let it fade away. 170 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,159 Ah, he is a lost cause. 171 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,411 Oh, hi, Frank. 172 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:57,292 Ginny Throater! What's burning your short hairs tonight? 173 00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:02,670 Well, I'm happy because I get my favorite little man, Connor, all to myself. 174 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:06,170 Greg's at the high school with the problem son. 175 00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:09,167 He has issues with his father, 176 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:12,467 because he does filthy things with men. 177 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,549 In the patootie. 178 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,520 With his pungus. 179 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,232 You're a lucky man, Ginny. 180 00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:20,608 Let go of me, Amy! 181 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,362 Ah, broads. 182 00:09:24,438 --> 00:09:25,738 - Leave me alone! - You started it! 183 00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:29,315 Hey, it's the Honeybee Scout who can't handle the truth about war. 184 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,702 You gave me nightmares! 185 00:09:30,778 --> 00:09:32,408 I give lots of kids nightmares. 186 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:36,986 I'm sorry she was mean to you, honey. 187 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:40,246 Hey, if it makes you feel better, we can pour sand in her mom's gas tank. 188 00:09:40,329 --> 00:09:43,619 I'm not done here. I'm trying to sign up with Mrs. Breckman. 189 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:48,128 Mrs. Breckman? You still teach here? Oh, that's wonderful. 190 00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:52,472 Francis Murphy! I should've guessed Maureen was yours. 191 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:56,100 Dad, Amy wrote mean things about me on the sign-up sheet for the play. 192 00:09:59,140 --> 00:10:00,440 Play? 193 00:10:00,766 --> 00:10:02,686 Ah, princess, you don't want to be in any play. 194 00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:06,478 I'm surprised to hear you say that, Francis. 195 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:10,574 I directed you in your play. Remember? 196 00:10:10,651 --> 00:10:14,361 Oh, yeah. I... haven't thought of that in years. 197 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,987 ♪ Victory garden Victory garden ♪ 198 00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,655 ♪ Beat the Krauts ♪ 199 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,874 ♪ Beat the Japs... ♪ 200 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:26,245 My dad's here! He closed the store and came. 201 00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:28,924 And he even let my mom out of the house. 202 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,473 Hello, everyone, I'm Mr. Carrot! 203 00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:36,089 Holy Christ, he's a carrot! 204 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:40,007 I'm so glad I gave up a half day's profit for this! 205 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:47,194 You should've heard how your father laughed. 206 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,401 Oh, I heard it. Loud and clear. 207 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,152 He was so proud of you. 208 00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,574 What did you say? 209 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,783 Ooh, I have to meet the parents of my kindergartners. 210 00:10:56,864 --> 00:11:02,624 Oh, you have a wonderful father. Just like his father before him. 211 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,714 Uppers, downers, sunnies, moonies, airplane glue? 212 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:14,586 Ol' Vic's keeping it light tonight. 213 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,764 Just give me some decaf and three eight-balls. 214 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:18,142 I don't want to miss anything. 215 00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:20,717 Slick Vic with the giant dick! 216 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,425 Howlin' Hank with the crooked crank! 217 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:27,686 You were the best dude at that radio station, man. 218 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:30,210 Did you know that, after they fired me, you're the only reason 219 00:11:30,294 --> 00:11:33,304 I didn't go down there with an Uzi and shoot everybody in the face? 220 00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:34,740 I had a feeling. 221 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:40,029 Well, I brought a special birthday gift to make all that pain go away. 222 00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,576 Hey, hey, I'll bump to that! 223 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,908 It's Mr. Rosenthal from the station! 224 00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:51,754 Mr. Rosenthal, did you come here to fire me from my house? 225 00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:56,216 Quite the contrary. I realized I made a mistake in letting you go. 226 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:59,048 The Kwock needs you, and I want to bring you back. 227 00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,635 Oh, man, you mean it? 228 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,390 Is my prostate the size of a basketball? 229 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:07,692 That's a little joke about my impending, serious medical procedure. 230 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:11,728 Happy birthday, Vic. And welcome back, my rock cohort. 231 00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:13,943 It's a contract! 232 00:12:14,024 --> 00:12:17,744 And a condom. I know you're a fan of fornication. 233 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:21,030 Hey, back door, front door, as long as I get in the kitchen, baby. 234 00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:24,115 I'll see you at the station a week from Monday. 235 00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:28,751 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tell my son that I ran over his cat. 236 00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:33,754 Hey, hey! Vic just got his job back! 237 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:37,716 I have purpose! I have meaning! 238 00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:41,968 I have a hollowed-out TV filled with cocaine and barbiturates! 239 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,429 - Skeeball, toad me! - Yeah! 240 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:49,892 Mrs. Murphy, thank you for volunteering to help me 241 00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,897 with my back-to-school pep talk tonight. 242 00:12:52,980 --> 00:12:56,730 And for hoisting my lifeless legs up the stairs and onto the stage. 243 00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:00,361 It's my honor, you poor, poor man. 244 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,776 Oh, please, I don't want pity. 245 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:07,412 I knew what I was doing when I backflipped off that balcony at the draft board 246 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:11,325 to prove I was too crazy to serve in the Army. 247 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,216 But it worked. 248 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:16,884 Now, stairs are my Vietnam. 249 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:19,969 Let's mold some young minds. 250 00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:23,509 Of course, and I'd like to speak to you about my son, Kevin. 251 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:24,894 He'll be here in a minute too. 252 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:27,640 He is the perfect candidate to fill that last slot in... 253 00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:29,683 I'd be honored to help you as well. 254 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:32,097 And I wonder if I could talk to you about getting Greg Jr. 255 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:33,726 into that Dim Lights program. 256 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:35,768 Oh, fuck me. 257 00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:39,066 He's had a rough year, but we're getting through it together, right, pal? 258 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:44,321 "If a man lies with a man as with a woman, they shall surely be put to death." 259 00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,486 Leviticus 20:13. 260 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,831 Teens. 261 00:13:52,915 --> 00:13:55,035 Why won't my mom get off my back? 262 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,883 My dad's all over me too. 263 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:02,132 He says a 1550 SAT might as well be a zero. 264 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:06,387 "Stanford's for quitters." 265 00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:09,010 My mom might lose her foot. 266 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:12,351 My mom's been hormonal ever since she got pregnant again. 267 00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:14,904 She still fucks your dad. 268 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,149 No, she doesn't! 269 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,820 Bone, flip, bone. 270 00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:19,858 Holy shit, she does! 271 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,742 Oh, my God, I need more 'shrooms right now. 272 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,533 Take it easy, Kev. 273 00:14:26,323 --> 00:14:29,873 I don't feel so good. Oh, man. 274 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,582 It's probably the hobo shit. 275 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:39,626 In a few years, one of these machines will cost as little as $12,000 276 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,802 and will be in every white home in America. 277 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,632 I have a concern! 278 00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:48,047 My Quincy needs to sit in the front of the classroom, 279 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:52,637 and it's not fair you put him in the back because his name is late in the alphabet. 280 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:56,225 Mrs. Vanderheim, perhaps we can discuss this another time? 281 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:58,362 No, we're doing this now. 282 00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:00,859 I work my jaw off... 283 00:15:01,483 --> 00:15:04,033 at the night library, 284 00:15:04,111 --> 00:15:06,611 so it wasn't easy to get time away, 285 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:09,697 especially because the J. Geils Band is in town, 286 00:15:09,783 --> 00:15:13,043 and they love to read. 287 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,660 I hate Amy. 288 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,667 Dad, why does she have to be so mean? 289 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,919 He was proud of me? The fuck was she talking about? 290 00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:24,377 The carrot, like the war bond, is the stee-cone... 291 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,179 Keystone of, uh... 292 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,429 Take 23! 293 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:38,273 If we could drop a bomb this big on the Japs, the war would be over! 294 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:44,357 Goddamn motherfucker... carrot costume. 295 00:15:44,443 --> 00:15:45,823 Daddy, are you okay? 296 00:15:45,903 --> 00:15:47,823 He's fine, honey. 297 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,065 Give this doctor a call 298 00:15:49,156 --> 00:15:53,076 before the syphilis turns your brain into pancake batter. 299 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,290 Come on. 300 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:57,500 Come on, come on. Here we go. 301 00:15:57,581 --> 00:16:01,421 Careful. Lift with my legs, not with my back. 302 00:16:01,502 --> 00:16:04,462 Well, some of us aren't pulling our weight. 303 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:07,586 And some of us are eight months pregnant. 304 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,505 Now, now, we all have our faults. 305 00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:16,891 There. Thank goodness I have dancer's legs. 306 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,266 Now, can I tell you about how Greg Jr...? 307 00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:22,523 Did you know Kevin is a passionate advocate for pool safety? 308 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:25,526 Watching all that exertion has made me thirsty. 309 00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,609 I'd love an orange drink. 310 00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,695 I'll get it! 311 00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:29,989 Eat my dust, Sue! 312 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,282 Ah! 313 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,665 My pungus! 314 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,119 Colder. 315 00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:37,253 Warmer. 316 00:16:40,749 --> 00:16:43,339 Fuck this Babe Ruth shit. It's the '70s! 317 00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,340 Too hot! Too hot! 318 00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:50,514 Don't run away, Skeeball. 319 00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,758 Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Huckerfucker! 320 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:57,306 Your party is a little noisy. Would you mind...? 321 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,891 Put your keys in the bowl. 322 00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:03,187 - You're fucking some stranger tonight. - Oh. 323 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:04,982 I said put them in the bowl! 324 00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:09,105 Don't freak out. Deep breaths. 325 00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:11,614 Oh, shit, Kevin Murphy? 326 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,737 - Nuber? Is that really you? - Fuck yeah! 327 00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:16,035 Are you going here now? 328 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,408 Fuck no! I dropped out. 329 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:20,575 Got my own place and a sweet job. 330 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:23,884 You should drop out too. We'll be work buddies. 331 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,129 - Is there an opening? - Fuck maybe! 332 00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,631 Oh, man, that'd be so... 333 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:31,223 What the hell you doing? Get your narrow ass back to work! 334 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:34,760 Man, can't even enjoy half a joint without you wandering off. 335 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:37,635 - Sorry, boss. - I ain't your boss. I'm your master, 336 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,063 you fish-eyed-banjo-boy- from-Deliverance-looking motherfucker! 337 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:42,983 Yes, sir, I do appear inbred, sir. 338 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,362 Hey, you Frank Murphy's kid. 339 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:48,609 You better not be storing no Necco Wafers in your cheeks! 340 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:50,902 I'm rough on Larry 'cause I see his potential. 341 00:17:50,986 --> 00:17:52,396 You give your dad my best. 342 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:55,008 We got to go fill the tampon machine over at the slaughterhouse. 343 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:57,162 Them ladies all on the same cycle over there. 344 00:17:57,534 --> 00:18:00,584 Hop to it, you drippy-dick, Bugs-Bunny-looking freak! 345 00:18:00,662 --> 00:18:03,922 Yes, sir, Mr. Greenwood. I'm so ugly, you're right. 346 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:12,257 By the end of the year, each of your boys will have built a beautiful napkin holder. 347 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,721 So don't go out buying napkin holders. 348 00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,809 Fucking Bridget. 349 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,810 Dad, can we go home? 350 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,068 Dad? 351 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,113 That old broad didn't see the walk home. 352 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:31,324 Wonderful play. Well, good night, Mrs. Breckman. 353 00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:34,071 I got to plant my vegetable here back in the garden. 354 00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:37,914 There's that delightful Bill Murphy humor. Night now. 355 00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:41,201 Congratulations, son, you did a great job tonight. 356 00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,326 Oh, uh... thanks. 357 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:47,883 That's if your mission was to embarrass me in front of the whole fucking town! 358 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,550 You just dipped my name in an ocean of shit! 359 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:55,469 You're gonna cry now, are you, you little baby? 360 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,391 William, take it easy on him. 361 00:18:57,469 --> 00:19:00,679 Shut up, Nora! You are the reason he's soft. 362 00:19:02,015 --> 00:19:06,765 That's it, you're walking home now. There's no room in DeSotos for sissies! 363 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:09,734 I'll make a man out of you yet! 364 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:13,025 Anybody want a daughter? I thought I had a son! 365 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,530 Dad. Dad, are you all right? 366 00:19:15,612 --> 00:19:17,952 Mind your business. I'm fine! 367 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:20,582 Goddamn him! 368 00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:25,292 Fuck you! 369 00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:31,502 In kindergarten, we learn our ABC's, but also our p's and q's. 370 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,787 You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, lady. 371 00:19:33,811 --> 00:19:36,835 Mr. Murphy said the "fuck" word. 372 00:19:36,925 --> 00:19:38,965 Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 373 00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:42,602 You didn't see when my dad called me a sissy and made me walk home! 374 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:45,141 Dad, stop yelling at her! You're embarrassing me! 375 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:48,725 Grown-ups are talking, sweetheart. He said I looked like Red Skelton's dick! 376 00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:51,232 You're nothing like your father! 377 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,612 I take that as a huge compliment! 378 00:19:57,070 --> 00:20:00,740 Stay calm. The walls are supposed to be melting. 379 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:03,494 - Kevin, what's wrong with you? - Mom? 380 00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:06,747 I told you to come talk to the principal with me about your future, 381 00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:10,710 and instead you did mushrooms from the place where the hobos shit? 382 00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:15,462 Oh, I'm so disappointed in you. 383 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:20,257 Nice job, Kevin. Takes a real jagoff to make a trophy cry. 384 00:20:20,677 --> 00:20:22,047 You're a fucking loser. 385 00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,717 Counter argument, you're a huge fucking loser! 386 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,056 You guys are supposed to disagree with each other! 387 00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:28,642 Not on this topic! 388 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,057 I'm so sorry, Mom. I'll do better, I swear. 389 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,436 I've heard that empty promise before. 390 00:20:33,523 --> 00:20:35,443 Huey Long? You're a real person? 391 00:20:35,525 --> 00:20:38,565 You are a disgrace to the school they named after me. 392 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,534 You're an ignoramus, a bumbling liquor thief, 393 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:45,655 and you deserved to jizz your pants at Haircut Girl's house. 394 00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:46,754 You saw that? 395 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,658 Huey Long sees everything! 396 00:20:49,289 --> 00:20:51,789 You, sir, are a dildo. 397 00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:54,165 - No! - Kevin dildo! 398 00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,922 Kevin dildo! 399 00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,507 - Kevin dildo! - No! 400 00:21:05,555 --> 00:21:07,175 Oh, that feels better. 401 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,899 Nice Shire of Frodo stickers. 402 00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:14,438 I love those guys. 403 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:17,943 Yeah, they're all right. The first ten albums were pretty good. 404 00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:21,696 You're Kevin Murphy, right? I'm Alice Goldman. 405 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,030 I was in PE class with you in seventh grade. 406 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:27,786 Oh, yeah. Mr. Versocki was so weird. 407 00:21:27,869 --> 00:21:29,709 Remember when he sat on his nutsack, 408 00:21:29,788 --> 00:21:31,668 and we got the rest of the marking period off? 409 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:33,708 Yeah. 410 00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:36,042 So you're a Frodo fan? 411 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,128 Yes! They're so smart and literary 412 00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:40,923 with their references to Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. 413 00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,048 I just finished Fellowship of the Ring. 414 00:21:44,177 --> 00:21:45,347 Frodo's in a book? 415 00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,729 You've never read it? 416 00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:50,727 Oh, I don't read much. All that brainiac stuff isn't for me. 417 00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,519 I take the dumb classes with the kids that look like they're 25. 418 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:55,063 You don't seem dumb to me. 419 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,607 Wait till you get to know me. 420 00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:01,743 You know, a great sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. 421 00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:03,410 You sound like my mom. 422 00:22:03,905 --> 00:22:05,315 Is she paying you to say this? 423 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:09,827 No. I'm just giving you a compliment. God! 424 00:22:09,911 --> 00:22:11,211 Oh. Huh. 425 00:22:11,580 --> 00:22:12,880 Feels weird. 426 00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:14,825 I mean, thanks. 427 00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:18,836 Well, I'll see you around, Kevin. Tell me how you like the book. 428 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,093 Ah, I hope there's lots of pictures. 429 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:26,183 I know you're happy you got your job back, 430 00:22:26,261 --> 00:22:29,561 but do you think maybe you want to take it down a notch? 431 00:22:29,639 --> 00:22:32,309 I'm thinking I'll take it down this whole banister. 432 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:38,443 If I'm not dead by the seventh stair, I'm getting a new dealer. 433 00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:43,780 You are a god! 434 00:22:48,075 --> 00:22:49,375 Ah. 435 00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,661 That's going straight to the bag. 436 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:57,004 Well, it's speech time! Greg, cross my legs for me, would you? 437 00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:58,384 Of course. 438 00:22:59,753 --> 00:23:00,753 More casual. 439 00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:05,127 If I could just have a minute to tell you that there's no dimmer light than my son. 440 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:07,927 Back off, Greg! I know Kevin missed 60 days last year, 441 00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:09,891 and he's not here now like I said he would be, 442 00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:11,891 and he got his foot caught in a soda machine. 443 00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:14,023 But there is potential in him to be an extraor... 444 00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:18,111 I hate to interrupt your groveling, but I have to make my speech. 445 00:23:18,188 --> 00:23:21,228 Greg, your son gets the last spot in the Dim Lights. 446 00:23:21,316 --> 00:23:22,356 We did it, son! 447 00:23:22,442 --> 00:23:23,902 You're going to hell, Dad. 448 00:23:23,985 --> 00:23:25,855 And you're going to college! 449 00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,486 But what about Kevin? 450 00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:28,952 He'll be fine. 451 00:23:29,032 --> 00:23:33,832 Society needs people to deliver the mail, drive trucks, die in wars. 452 00:23:33,912 --> 00:23:35,212 But what about his future? 453 00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:37,578 Let's be honest, we both know Kevin. 454 00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:40,416 He's never shown any interest in his future. 455 00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:42,882 But this is his last chance to make something of himself. 456 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:45,673 Otherwise, his whole life will pass in the blink of an eye, 457 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:48,797 and he won't have done anything except pack lunches and make babies! 458 00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:55,849 Mrs. Murphy, we're not talking about your son anymore, are we? 459 00:23:56,893 --> 00:23:59,773 Now let's start inspiring. 460 00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:08,155 Students of Huey Long High, as we start the school year, 461 00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:12,737 I see in each of you a bright future, 462 00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:15,536 filled with limitless promise. 463 00:24:16,371 --> 00:24:21,671 Don't let anyone say you can't do exactly what you want to do. 464 00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:25,461 That's what the doctors have told me for years, 465 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:28,217 that I'd never have the use of my legs again 466 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,090 and I'd never accomplish anything. 467 00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:35,184 Well, when detractors tell you your dream is impossible, 468 00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:40,229 tell them what I am telling you now. 469 00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:41,612 Nothing... 470 00:24:43,273 --> 00:24:44,773 ...is... 471 00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,199 ...impossible! 472 00:24:50,864 --> 00:24:51,994 Oh, fuck. 473 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:54,917 Oh, God. 474 00:24:56,036 --> 00:24:58,036 I can't feel my arms! 475 00:24:58,121 --> 00:25:00,501 You promised you were gonna be a better dad this year, 476 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,962 but you're doing the same old stuff. 477 00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,423 Oh, I am not! 478 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,383 I came to the goddamn stupid thing, didn't I? 479 00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:08,473 My dad never showed up to parent-teacher night. 480 00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:10,178 I wish he took us tonight. 481 00:25:12,552 --> 00:25:14,142 What did you just say to me? 482 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:17,851 I said I wish Grandpa Bill took us. At least he's nice to us. 483 00:25:17,933 --> 00:25:19,273 A lot more than you. 484 00:25:21,561 --> 00:25:24,191 It's time to find some volunteers. 485 00:25:24,272 --> 00:25:27,322 First, we need a caring, selfless parent 486 00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,110 to help Mrs. Breckman with our fourth-grade play. 487 00:25:30,195 --> 00:25:32,025 I'll show you who's a good father. 488 00:25:32,113 --> 00:25:34,373 I'll do it. I'll help with the play. 489 00:25:34,449 --> 00:25:36,239 - Really, Dad? - Damn right. 490 00:25:36,326 --> 00:25:38,366 I love the theater! I love the shit out of it! 491 00:25:38,453 --> 00:25:40,413 Much appreciated, Mr. Murphy. 492 00:25:40,872 --> 00:25:44,752 Next we need a parent to help Coach Fitzsimmons with the hockey team. 493 00:25:44,834 --> 00:25:45,924 I'll do that also. 494 00:25:46,002 --> 00:25:48,172 - Dad, don't. - This isn't about you, Bill. 495 00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:49,972 I'll help you, coach. 496 00:25:50,048 --> 00:25:53,178 I know we've had our problems, but I care about the kids. 497 00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:55,553 - Even your little fucker here. - Aw. 498 00:25:56,054 --> 00:26:00,984 Welcome aboard. "Assistant coach." 499 00:26:01,977 --> 00:26:05,477 Read it, kids. This here is what a caring father looks like. 500 00:26:07,357 --> 00:26:10,567 Mom, I'm sorry I messed up my chance to be a Dim Lighter. 501 00:26:10,652 --> 00:26:15,412 But don't worry 'cause I'm gonna try harder to pull my grades up this year. 502 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:16,990 I want to unlock my potential. 503 00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:21,785 Oh, well, that's good to hear. Glad I finally made an impression on you. 504 00:26:21,871 --> 00:26:24,911 Oh, no, it wasn't you. This girl gave me a book, and I think I might read it. 505 00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:25,958 Oh. 506 00:26:26,042 --> 00:26:27,132 Starts off great. 507 00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:30,670 "Copyright one-nine-five-four." I'm hooked. 508 00:26:30,755 --> 00:26:33,675 Yeah, it's good. I read it in college. 509 00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,428 That's right, you went to college. 510 00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:39,681 I always forget that because, you know, you're just like a mom. 511 00:26:41,224 --> 00:26:43,314 You really should've finished college. 512 00:26:43,393 --> 00:26:46,103 But I get it though. You couldn't wait to have kids. 513 00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:47,767 Bolo said his mom might lose her foot. 514 00:26:47,856 --> 00:26:49,476 She went to the movies in just her socks 515 00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:51,436 and stepped on a petrified hot dog. 516 00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:53,446 I kind of talked to Huey Long tonight. 517 00:26:53,528 --> 00:26:56,198 Did you hear Principal Morgan fell off the stage? 518 00:27:29,230 --> 00:27:31,610 Huey Long sees everything!