1
00:00:06,589 --> 00:00:11,679
Having a baby is
the most natural process in the universe.

2
00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:18,391
A hysterectomilogical blooming that hinges
on our ability to relax and breathe.

3
00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:23,726
And through that relaxation
comes peace and a oneness with nature.

4
00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:25,775
Why the fuck was I ever born?

5
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,870
Blowing 70 bucks on a baby.

6
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,870
Could've had ten surf and turfs.

7
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,753
Twelve on Veteran's Day.

8
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,669
Jesus! You ever hear of knocking?

9
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,793
You ever hear of running away?

10
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,585
Uh, don't everyone jump up
to help me at once.

11
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:49,802
Goddamn kids, laying around doing nothing.

12
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,183
All they do is watch TV and bitch...

13
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,851
Ah! Goddamn it!

14
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:57,639
Fucking God and gravity teaming up on me!

15
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,233
Having a day, huh?

16
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,689
A day? I'm having a life.

17
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,070
My whole family hates me.

18
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:07,070
And to top it off, Sue made me buy
the fucking Taj Mahal of cribs.

19
00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,830
I swear to God, what would she be doing
if she wasn't wasting money?

20
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:14,203
Wasting money? Like your set
of 12 Colt Luger beer steins?

21
00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:18,622
They're collector's items, Susan!
They were the last ones with lead paint!

22
00:01:18,703 --> 00:01:21,713
I hope Colt Luger dies
in that Mexican jail.

23
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:25,040
Well, I hope your hero dies too!
Who is it, the laundry machine?

24
00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:26,666
Ho-ho, keep digging that hole!

25
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:30,133
Oh, I will! Believe you me,
I will see you in China!

26
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,444
♪ Come and get your love ♪

27
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,190
♪ Come and get your love ♪

28
00:01:50,026 --> 00:01:52,276
♪ Come and get your love ♪

29
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,741
♪ Come and get your love ♪

30
00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,079
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

31
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,001
♪ Come and get your love now ♪

32
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:04,874
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

33
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,168
♪ Come and get your love now ♪

34
00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,551
Ah!

35
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:09,505
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

36
00:02:09,529 --> 00:02:11,279
♪ Come and get your love now ♪

37
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:13,926
♪ Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪

38
00:02:13,950 --> 00:02:15,330
♪ Come and get your love now ♪

39
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:22,315
Argh.

40
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:25,227
For all I spent
on this overpriced piece of shit,

41
00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,651
that kid better sleep in it
until it gets drafted.

42
00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:30,440
I don't want my baby
around your negative aura today.

43
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,395
- I'm taking the kids to the mall.
- Mom says we're getting pretzels.

44
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:34,606
I said we'll see.

45
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,066
- Oh, man!
- Sucks!

46
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,834
Oh, no, get them the pretzels, Sue!

47
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,828
Go get yourself a mink coat
while you're at it!

48
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:42,540
Dick!

49
00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:47,420
I doubt anyone's ever said this before,
but I'm glad I was in Camden all week.

50
00:02:47,959 --> 00:02:49,999
What the hell happened around here?

51
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:51,546
Ah, you don't want to know.

52
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:55,929
The fuck I don't.
Tell your old man what's got you so upset.

53
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,929
It helps to get things off your chest.

54
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,641
Oh, you mean share my feelings?

55
00:02:59,721 --> 00:03:02,431
You sound like one of those weirdos
from Sue's pregnancy class.

56
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:06,095
"Ooh, feelings.
What's happening to my body?

57
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,396
I'm crying all the time,
but I have no tangible problems.

58
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:13,110
Meanwhile, my husband is working himself
into an early fucking grave!"

59
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,613
Calm down! Jesus, I'm just trying to help.

60
00:03:15,695 --> 00:03:18,025
You want to help? Learn French.

61
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:22,120
Why did you get a new crib, anyway?
You have a perfectly good one right here.

62
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,582
Sue's friend Madame Ovary
says it's a death trap.

63
00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:26,963
What does she know?

64
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,626
Uh, it'd take a couple of whacks
to get through a real kid's neck.

65
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,263
I don't know. I really tried to be there
for everybody this week,

66
00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:38,091
and it still bit me in the ass.

67
00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:41,716
And it started out so positive
when Sue almost lost the baby.

68
00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:45,857
All right, now listen up.

69
00:03:46,517 --> 00:03:48,597
Your mom's accident yesterday
was terrible,

70
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,939
but it made me realize
we can't take each other for granted.

71
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,400
And now I got a second chance
to be a better husband and father.

72
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,356
Second chance?

73
00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:00,566
How'd you like a second chance
at my foot up your ass?

74
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:04,702
Okay, okay, that was a mulligan.
Starting right now, I'm a better dad.

75
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:09,246
I'm coming to your game this week,
not as a coach, not yelling at Grandpa.

76
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:11,666
Just as a proud father in the stands.

77
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,341
Thanks, Dad.

78
00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:15,579
Looks like you really stuck up
for yourself last night.

79
00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:18,795
Yeah. I... I don't know.

80
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:21,893
Coach Fitzy was proud of me,
but I'm not sure if...

81
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,470
That's my boy. You keep that up.

82
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:26,724
Look at you, being a man,
unlike your older sister, Kevin...

83
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:31,194
who seems to be suffering
from the early stages of menopause.

84
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,942
And, princess, I will be there this week
to help paint sets for your play.

85
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:38,315
Thanks, but I hate the play now.

86
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,663
Amy's the star, and I'm playing
convict number four.

87
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,039
He doesn't even have a name.

88
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:47,116
Maureen, life is about making
the most of opportunities.

89
00:04:47,203 --> 00:04:51,003
A while back, I lost a promotion
to a man I had no respect for.

90
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:52,792
But I didn't get discouraged.

91
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,495
I played by the rules,
and I bided my time.

92
00:04:55,586 --> 00:04:58,836
And then, one day, that guy
walked into a propeller.

93
00:04:58,923 --> 00:05:01,433
My point is
sometimes people get shredded,

94
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:03,719
and then it becomes your time to shine.

95
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:06,853
Until then, you be
the best convict number four you can be.

96
00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:07,931
Okay, I will.

97
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,306
And don't worry about the name.
Prisoners have numbers.

98
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:13,983
Soon we'll be calling Kevin
"three-four-two-six-nine."

99
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,565
Kevin, I just insulted you twice
in the last minute.

100
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,440
- You want me to say them again?
- Dad!

101
00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,697
I'm trying to focus
on my rock 'n' roll homework.

102
00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:23,869
Vic says I have to sing about catamarans,

103
00:05:23,948 --> 00:05:27,288
and, like, I have no idea
if that's a fish or a mammal.

104
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,828
Well, here's an idea:

105
00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:32,711
Why don't you use the encyclopedias
I busted my ass to get you guys?

106
00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:35,587
You stole those out of the dumpster
at the library.

107
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:39,758
Hey! It's not stealing if somebody threw
them out, you no-good thankless fucks!

108
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:43,629
All right, starting now, starting now,
I'm a better dad.

109
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:48,721
And no upsetment around here today.
Your mom's in a very fragile state.

110
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:52,016
Frank! Come up here!
I need you right away!

111
00:05:52,101 --> 00:05:53,601
Okay, darling!

112
00:05:53,686 --> 00:05:56,606
Christ, I'm getting whiplash
from these mood swings.

113
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,108
Sweetie, you shouldn't be out of bed.

114
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,452
Come on, let's get those feet up
before your ankles get any more bulbous.

115
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:06,568
Frank, I feel great. Aren't you excited
that we're going to Lamaze?

116
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:10,327
Yeah, yeah. And if we're good,
maybe the Lamazes will come to us.

117
00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:14,371
No, Frank, Lamaze is the birthing classes
I told you about last night.

118
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,917
You said you'd go to them with me.

119
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:20,250
Oh, yeah. Oh, you have such a good memory.

120
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,548
All right, sign us up.

121
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:26,389
Can't wait to go with you
to your birthing classes.

122
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:29,389
Oh, this is gonna be fun, Frank!

123
00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:32,392
I'll be awake through all of it,
and you'll be there to support me

124
00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:35,475
for the natural labor
that could go on for days!

125
00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:36,771
Once my water breaks,

126
00:06:36,854 --> 00:06:39,154
you'll start timing my contractions.

127
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,482
I'll have to try different positions.

128
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,817
On my knees or on my side!

129
00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:48,124
Or while I'm standing or squatting!

130
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,700
It's time... to start pushing...

131
00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:53,246
when my cervix...

132
00:06:53,329 --> 00:06:55,079
is fully... dilated.

133
00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:57,044
Oh, you got a filthy mouth!

134
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:01,499
Wait, you have to be there
when the baby is born?

135
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:04,507
What kind of Communist shit is that?

136
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:07,090
You did your job.
You put the baby in there.

137
00:07:07,176 --> 00:07:08,636
I had to go along with it.

138
00:07:08,719 --> 00:07:11,929
I used up all my "are you
fucking kidding me's" for the month.

139
00:07:12,014 --> 00:07:13,814
Christ, when you were born,

140
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,521
I shoved your mother in a cab
to the hospital.

141
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:17,652
I went to the bar.

142
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,558
Six days later, she picked me up,

143
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:22,607
and I took her word for it
that she brought home the right kid.

144
00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:26,072
I know. But still, I went to the class
at the Women's Center anyway,

145
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,164
and I did my best.

146
00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,658
They have centers for women?
What the hell do they do there?

147
00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:32,331
Paint each other's toes?

148
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:38,000
Oh, Frank, it means the world that you're
gonna participate in this birth with me.

149
00:07:38,082 --> 00:07:41,922
Yeah, I can't stop thinking about it.
Jesus Christ!

150
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:46,093
Welcome, procreators.
It's so good to see you again, Sue.

151
00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,684
I'm Samantha. You must be...?

152
00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:50,599
Frank. Frank Murphy.

153
00:07:50,678 --> 00:07:53,308
Does the female vagina make you uneasy?

154
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:56,809
No! I'm just a little uncomfortable
coming face-to-face with one.

155
00:07:57,768 --> 00:07:59,068
I can vouch for that.

156
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:05,193
Effleurage massage
helps ease the contractions

157
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,856
as your partner prepares for labor.

158
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:14,035
Being touched by a loved one has
a transplendent effect on inner harmony.

159
00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:20,498
Frank, gently massage Sue's belly,
like a dolphin twirling with the current.

160
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:25,915
That ought to do it.

161
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,925
Something tells me there wasn't
a lot of physical affection

162
00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,378
in your life as a child.

163
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:31,768
No, no, no, you're wrong.

164
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:34,642
I got a birthday handshake every year.
From my mom.

165
00:08:34,722 --> 00:08:39,352
Patrick, why don't you show Frank
how to sensually connect with his wife?

166
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:42,685
- Gladly.
- Oh, no. No, no, no. Back off, Paddy.

167
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:45,152
I can be transplendent, you fucking creep.

168
00:08:48,694 --> 00:08:50,244
Here we go. I can do this.

169
00:08:51,447 --> 00:08:54,077
Just like washing a dirty windshield.

170
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,445
Aw!

171
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,538
Aw, thank you, honey.

172
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:02,549
Good job, Frank!

173
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:07,383
Oh, yeah, clap for this,
not my service in Korea.

174
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:11,513
You've earned a moment of relaxation.
Let's watch a film.

175
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,853
See, Frank? Isn't this nice?

176
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:21,482
Yeah, it's like date night, except I don't
have to worry about getting you pregnant.

177
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,821
Lamaze presents
Your Safe and Healthy Birth.

178
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:30,858
Starring and dedicated to the memory
of Lena Montgomery.

179
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,736
The birthing process has begun.

180
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:38,414
Lena's cervix has dilated
to ten centimeters,

181
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,664
or, as her ancient foremothers
would have put it,

182
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,707
two-and-a-half pine cones.

183
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:52,930
As the baby breaks
through the final barrier, a life begins.

184
00:10:13,237 --> 00:10:16,567
Oh, and when I start having contractions,
that's when I breathe

185
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,827
and relax and stay on my feet
until I pass my mucus plug.

186
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:21,620
Hey, sounds like a party.

187
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,248
I'm pretty sure
I clipped a kid on a bike.

188
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:28,127
But I was a hero to Sue.

189
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,960
And I really came through
for a friend at work.

190
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,757
Polls for the special election
open at 7:00 a.m.

191
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:37,091
Rosie, listen, I'm really sorry I didn't
help you with your speech last week.

192
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,348
I was all...

193
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:41,139
Hey, that guy on TV looks like you
if you were fatter.

194
00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:44,483
That is me! TV adds 30 pounds.

195
00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,100
And takes some hair away.

196
00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:49,067
Great God in Heaven, grant your children

197
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:53,778
the power to make this man
your next alderman!

198
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:56,661
Chauncey "Rosie" Roosevelt!

199
00:10:56,739 --> 00:10:59,119
- Yeah!
- Hey, there's Rosie!

200
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,910
Mayor Anthony Tangenti
and his corrupt cronies

201
00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,504
have neglected this neighborhood
for too long.

202
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:09,840
Now, if you elect me, I will dedicate
my life to making your life better.

203
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,759
I will close the fire hydrants!

204
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:16,588
I will make sure the basketball hoops
in our parks have nets.

205
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,466
- That's right!
- And backboards.

206
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:20,142
- Oh, yeah!
- And rims!

207
00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:24,641
And I will fix all the stoplights
that are stuck on yellow!

208
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:28,811
Yeah!

209
00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,856
Yeah!

210
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,660
With an eight-point lead
in the polls, Roosevelt is poised

211
00:11:33,684 --> 00:11:36,741
to become the first Negro alderman
in the city's history.

212
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,871
- Yeah, all right, Rosie!
- Yeah, yeah, all right!

213
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,409
Breaking news, election officials
have announced

214
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,623
that, due to surprise budget cuts,
Twelfth Ward voters

215
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,915
will have to go across town tomorrow
and vote in Whitesboro.

216
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,589
Shit. That's a 40-minute bus ride.

217
00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,549
Breaking-er news, all bus service
in the Twelfth Ward

218
00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,470
has been canceled tomorrow.

219
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,549
Oh, that's too bad.

220
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:03,311
I knew those crooks would cook up a way
to fuck me out of this election.

221
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:07,059
They know damn well my base
needs those buses to get to the polls.

222
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:08,773
It's over!

223
00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,063
Eh, fuck them, Rosie.
You can still win this thing.

224
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:14,357
Look, I let you down once, but not again.
I'm gonna help you.

225
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:16,242
The hell you gonna do?

226
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:19,698
Drive everybody in my neighborhood
to the fucking voting place?

227
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:22,320
No. But we know someone who can.

228
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,946
Ah, I think we do.

229
00:12:26,036 --> 00:12:30,616
Oh, I get it. You want to go splitsies
on a whore while we think of an idea.

230
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,995
Today, you ain't delivering
black-market Fiddle Faddle.

231
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:41,757
No, sir. Today, you become part of history
by delivering caramel-coated democracy.

232
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:47,684
You will pick up this man's voters,
and you will take them to the polls.

233
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,727
And after they vote for Rosie, fuck them!

234
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,021
Yes, sir!

235
00:13:19,381 --> 00:13:21,471
We drove 700 voters to the polls.

236
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:24,300
Smokey sold 20 cases of grape soda.
And it worked.

237
00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:27,386
The results
are apparently official.

238
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,813
Chauncey Roosevelt
was certified as the victor

239
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:36,403
at 9:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time,
some 38 minutes ago,

240
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:41,452
thus becoming the first black alderman
in city history.

241
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:44,199
Hug your kids, folks.
America died tonight.

242
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,954
This is a victory
for every one of any of the two races

243
00:13:50,037 --> 00:13:52,917
who knows our community deserves better.

244
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:56,748
I am touched and humbled
by your faith in me.

245
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,296
- And I won't let you down.
- Right on.

246
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:01,760
Georgia, I love you.

247
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:05,758
Smokey Greenwood, none of this
would've happened without you.

248
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,675
Oh, don't say my name.

249
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:10,351
They're looking for me.

250
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:15,602
Finally, I want to thank Frank Murphy.

251
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,608
Through your gift of friendship,
you came up with a plan

252
00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,531
to deliver my voters to the polls.

253
00:14:21,610 --> 00:14:23,700
You're like Santa Claus,
except you're white.

254
00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:26,619
That's funny 'cause Santa Claus is white.

255
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,029
Not above 71st Street he ain't!

256
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:33,956
Now hold on, wait a minute.

257
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,709
Why are you acting like somebody shit
in your Ovaltine?

258
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:38,502
Sounds like your week went great.

259
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:41,796
This was just Tuesday.
And it was all downhill from there.

260
00:14:43,924 --> 00:14:45,094
I make an effort.

261
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:48,465
I do everything right,
but no good deed goes unpunished.

262
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:51,181
Like with Rosie, right after he won,

263
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,055
he tells me he wants to get a jump
on being the best alderman

264
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:56,103
in the history of the Twelfth Ward,

265
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,727
so he's gonna take
all of his unused sick days.

266
00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:00,864
Well, how many is that? Four, five?

267
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:03,895
- Forty-seven.
- Rosie, that's almost three months.

268
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,736
- Christ, what the fuck will I do?
- Frank, it's not forever.

269
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:10,992
Alderman isn't a full-time job,
but I only get one crack at this.

270
00:15:11,076 --> 00:15:13,326
I mean, what'd you think
was gonna happen when I got elected?

271
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,612
- I didn't think that far.
- You thought I was gonna lose!

272
00:15:15,636 --> 00:15:18,789
- All you ever talked about was losing!
- I was trying to lower my expectations!

273
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:21,546
And I was helping you lower them,
you fucking ingrate!

274
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:25,379
Ingrate? I thanked you
in my victory speech!

275
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,756
I didn't even thank my kids, motherfucker!

276
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,759
And where are you lovely folks
going today?

277
00:15:30,846 --> 00:15:32,506
We don't know.

278
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,478
None of us knows nothing.

279
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:39,097
Then things got worse
that afternoon at Maureen's play practice.

280
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:41,358
She took my advice. Too well.

281
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:47,704
If you can electrocute a dog,
you can electrocute a person.

282
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:53,160
Oh, Alfred P. Southwick, you've given
the death penalty new life.

283
00:15:53,243 --> 00:15:55,373
Oh, that was wonderful.

284
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,424
Now let's bring up
our "no small parts" actors

285
00:15:58,499 --> 00:16:00,829
to rehearse their very small parts.

286
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:02,708
I think she's talking about us!

287
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:11,095
I am convict number four,
but my real name is Horace Lee Chapman.

288
00:16:11,178 --> 00:16:14,968
Let currents of justice
course through your body.

289
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,557
- For I, Alfred P. South...
- Hold on, Al.

290
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:22,943
I am innocent of the crime
for which I was condemned,

291
00:16:23,023 --> 00:16:28,493
shoving a flaming-hot poker
up an old bastard's shit kitchen.

292
00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:31,740
What the hell kind of play is this?

293
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:36,294
You can't change the script.
Now be a good girl and get executed.

294
00:16:36,370 --> 00:16:38,330
I was just following my dad's advice.

295
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,504
Francis Murphy, you put her up to this?

296
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:43,673
- No, I never...
- Yes, you did!

297
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:46,922
You told me to be
the best convict number four I could be!

298
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,836
I never said anything about shit kitchens.

299
00:16:48,924 --> 00:16:51,094
- That was mine.
- Go away, Bridget.

300
00:16:51,176 --> 00:16:53,466
The "Dead Moms Club" meets down the hall.

301
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,514
Suck my hairy tit!

302
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,439
Ha-ha, missed me!

303
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,347
My creation!

304
00:17:03,939 --> 00:17:06,029
But that shit storm
was just a drizzle

305
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:07,988
compared to what happened
at Bill's hockey game.

306
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:12,317
Thanks a lot, Dad! They made me
the off-stage script assistant.

307
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,366
I don't even get a death scene anymore.

308
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,490
Life is a death scene, princess.

309
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,197
Now just let me cheer on Bill in peace.

310
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:20,367
Hey, go get them, Bill!

311
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:23,456
Remember what I told you!
Stick up for yourself!

312
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:24,882
That's my son out there.

313
00:17:26,211 --> 00:17:27,801
Whoa.

314
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,189
Ah!

315
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:41,942
Which one is your boy?

316
00:17:42,269 --> 00:17:44,439
Uh, the weird goalie with the giant head.

317
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:52,574
Jesus Christ, it's like the jacuzzi room
at the Quint City Motor Inn.

318
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:53,744
You're disgusting.

319
00:17:53,822 --> 00:17:55,822
At least I'm not telling
the whole neighborhood

320
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,988
about mucus plugs and afterbirth.

321
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:02,077
Oh, Marie. I love when you're
on your high horse.

322
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,924
Saddle up, cowboy!

323
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:11,298
To my boys! I'm so proud of all of you!

324
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:15,141
Papa, does this mean
I can sleep inside the house now?

325
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:16,299
Don't push it.

326
00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:19,556
Fryers! Fryers! Fryers!

327
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,810
Dad, coach says
I'm the toughest player he's ever seen.

328
00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,103
And he's been to prison.

329
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,726
Bill, what you did,
that's not what hockey is about.

330
00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:30,234
I mean, there's a difference
between playing tough and playing dirty.

331
00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,857
But you told me to keep it up.

332
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,534
I told you to stick up for yourself,

333
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,852
not to go around slew-footing
everyone on the other team.

334
00:18:35,876 --> 00:18:39,624
Jesus, Dad. First I'm a pussy,
then I'm a bully?

335
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:42,501
Make up your mind.
What kind of disappointment am I?

336
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:45,829
At least he didn't get you demoted
to "backstage nobody."

337
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,536
Oh, for Chrissake, let's all pile on Dad!

338
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:50,167
Open season on the breadwinner!

339
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,344
You're screaming at us
because we listened to you! It's not fair!

340
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:56,013
Well, it's high time
that you learned that life isn't fair!

341
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:58,803
I already know that.
You put it in my birthday card every year.

342
00:18:58,887 --> 00:18:59,927
And a quarter!

343
00:19:00,013 --> 00:19:04,183
Yeah, well, I'm gonna do what Coach Fitzy
wants me to do. He likes me.

344
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,573
There's Billy-boy, my star!

345
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,531
And just three months ago,

346
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:16,449
I couldn't have cared less
if you died in that train accident.

347
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:22,995
Fucking kids.

348
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:25,785
They don't appreciate me.
Never a kind word.

349
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:28,753
- Hey, Dad.
- Don't patronize me, you son of a bitch.

350
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,804
What? I was coming
to thank you for your advice.

351
00:19:31,879 --> 00:19:34,209
I used the encyclopledia like you said,

352
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,258
and I wrote a whole song about catamarans.

353
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,841
♪ With two equal shafts ♪

354
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:42,307
♪ And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪

355
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:45,599
♪ A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪

356
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:49,154
♪ For two to 16 people ♪

357
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:51,516
Okay, and then you go:

358
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:57,147
♪ Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪

359
00:19:57,237 --> 00:20:03,037
♪ Catamaran
Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪

360
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:05,826
Are you okay?

361
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,213
Nah, it's just so nice
to see a friendly face.

362
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:11,286
- I'm glad you're happy.
- Thanks for noticing.

363
00:20:14,421 --> 00:20:16,131
I bet it's that girl you're seeing, huh?

364
00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,255
How do you know about her?

365
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,591
Well, she signed her name
on your neck with her mouth.

366
00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:21,176
Oh, yeah.

367
00:20:21,261 --> 00:20:22,561
So who's the lucky lady?

368
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,518
Oh, she's not a lady.
She's a girl at school.

369
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,978
You don't know her, and if you did,
that would be really creepy.

370
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,731
Is she that, uh... You know, the one
you went to summer school with?

371
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,862
- Who?
- You know, that...

372
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:36,242
No, I don't know.

373
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,576
- You know.
- I don't.

374
00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:40,452
You know, your little lady friend there.

375
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:43,776
South of the Mediterranean.

376
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:46,367
She's not black,
if that's what you're worried about!

377
00:20:46,453 --> 00:20:48,793
- Racist!
- Racist? Oh, what the fuck?

378
00:20:48,872 --> 00:20:51,232
I don't care if she's black, white,
brown, green, or purple!

379
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,630
You'd freak the fuck out
if she was purple!

380
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,550
Everybody would! It's weird!

381
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:56,669
You're such a dick!

382
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,665
I'm not the one calling people racist!

383
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,180
I just helped a black guy do a thing!

384
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,761
And now I get to bring another kid
into the world

385
00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,556
who's gonna end up hating me.

386
00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,270
What's the fucking point?

387
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:11,397
But what happened
to make Sue so mad at you?

388
00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:14,648
Oh, that was the cherry
on top of the shit sundae.

389
00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:17,361
So last night we had
yet another birthing class.

390
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:20,362
Breast milk is mother's ambrosia.

391
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:23,662
Studies show it leads
to better brain development.

392
00:21:23,740 --> 00:21:26,830
Uh... When is the right time
to stop breastfeeding?

393
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:31,206
I don't know, Linda. When do you want
your baby's brain to stop growing?

394
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,710
I guess... never?

395
00:21:33,792 --> 00:21:34,842
Good answer.

396
00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:36,418
- This broad.
- Frank.

397
00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:37,553
Sorry, sorry.

398
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:40,509
It's time for partner praise.

399
00:21:40,590 --> 00:21:42,300
Who has something to celebrate?

400
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,934
Frank has stopped drinking
before he gets home from work,

401
00:21:45,012 --> 00:21:47,352
and he got our new crib all set up.

402
00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:48,931
Oh, don't thank me.

403
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,806
Thank the Baby-B-Safe corporation
of Juárez, Mexico.

404
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,233
You bought a Baby-B-Safe crib?

405
00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,323
Sure did, on clearance.
They were practically giving them away.

406
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:02,820
A committed partner would have read
the "For the Father-to-Be" pamphlet

407
00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,824
I handed you at the very first class.

408
00:22:05,907 --> 00:22:08,237
Oh, my God!

409
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:10,077
You didn't read the literature?

410
00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:11,865
I read the literature.

411
00:22:11,955 --> 00:22:14,165
Frank, this is a bright neon sign

412
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:18,379
screaming, "You are not emotionally
available for Sue or your baby."

413
00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:21,302
Or maybe it's a sign
that I'm busting my ass all day

414
00:22:21,381 --> 00:22:23,301
to feed three ungrateful kids.

415
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,553
It's not about you. It's about her.

416
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:31,349
Everyone, this is what it looks like
when a man emotionally abandons his wife.

417
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,980
- Who was he?
- Who?

418
00:22:35,062 --> 00:22:38,192
Who was the guy who dumped you
and made you this way?

419
00:22:38,273 --> 00:22:40,823
Did he turn back into a rat
after the spell wore off?

420
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:42,941
- Frank!
- No, it's okay. I got this, Sue.

421
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:45,158
I'm used to dealing with men like this.

422
00:22:45,238 --> 00:22:47,778
Let me tell you about yourself, Frank.

423
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:49,196
Oh, go ahead, moonbeam.

424
00:22:49,284 --> 00:22:54,214
You are incapable of displaying
or responding to any type of emotion.

425
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:56,749
You're afraid of intimacy.

426
00:22:56,833 --> 00:23:00,553
You're afraid to admit you need love.

427
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:03,219
- You're afraid of feelings in general.
- Hmm.

428
00:23:03,298 --> 00:23:05,468
The only emotion
you're comfortable with

429
00:23:05,550 --> 00:23:06,680
- is rage.
- Really?

430
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:09,220
Partly because you can't control it,

431
00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:12,394
- but mostly because it pushes people away.
- Ah.

432
00:23:12,474 --> 00:23:19,234
Maybe if you'd gotten just one single hug
in the first 18 years of your life,

433
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:22,944
you wouldn't be so emotionally crippled.

434
00:23:23,026 --> 00:23:24,986
Let me tell you something, lady.

435
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:27,360
I should get a fucking medal

436
00:23:27,447 --> 00:23:30,657
for putting up with your bullshit
for as long as I did!

437
00:23:30,742 --> 00:23:33,582
Paying good money to listen to you
teach my wife how to breathe,

438
00:23:33,662 --> 00:23:35,082
like you just fucking discovered it

439
00:23:35,163 --> 00:23:38,463
and it's not something every person
in this room has been doing involuntarily

440
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:40,292
for, I don't know, fucking ever!

441
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:43,127
Frank, this is something I believe in.

442
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:47,013
You didn't even read the brochure
or any of the books I gave you.

443
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:50,642
The healing stones you said you bought
were just gravel from the driveway.

444
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,310
Well, you're not sick, are you?

445
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,689
I'm sick of you!

446
00:23:54,724 --> 00:23:58,654
I'm about to go through intense labor
bringing your child into this world,

447
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:02,068
and all I ask for is that I have
my best friend there to hold my hand.

448
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:03,449
Who? Ginny?

449
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:05,735
You, you idiot!

450
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:07,119
I'm out of here.

451
00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:12,739
Help me get up so I can walk out on you!

452
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:19,878
I bought the healing stones.

453
00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:24,803
So I shell out 70 bucks for another crib,
and she's still mad at me.

454
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,720
They're all mad at me.
The whole world hates Frank Murphy.

455
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,220
Well, your crib's finished, you big baby.

456
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:35,431
The way things are going,
I might need to sleep in it tonight.

457
00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:37,475
Well, just one last thing to do

458
00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:40,269
before I can close the casket
on this fucking week.

459
00:24:42,772 --> 00:24:45,732
And a uno, and a dos, and a three!

460
00:24:48,612 --> 00:24:51,362
See you in hell, baby killer!

461
00:24:51,448 --> 00:24:55,908
How's this for displaying emotion,
you fucking bitch?

462
00:25:00,373 --> 00:25:03,713
The nerve of that woman.
"If you only had one hug as a kid."

463
00:25:03,793 --> 00:25:06,303
What does she know?
Nobody ever touched her.

464
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:09,556
You know...

465
00:25:10,467 --> 00:25:12,507
I guess you never did hug me.

466
00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:16,224
Oh, sure I did.
Had to be at least once. Right?

467
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:19,806
I don't think so.
I would definitely remember it.

468
00:25:19,893 --> 00:25:23,193
Well, then,
better late than never. Come here, son.

469
00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:25,191
Let me fix all your problems.

470
00:25:25,273 --> 00:25:27,443
I can't wait till I'm totally cured!

471
00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:30,356
And we'll end the gas crisis
while we're at it.

472
00:25:48,171 --> 00:25:50,971
Get a room, you pole-smokers!

473
00:25:51,049 --> 00:25:52,969
It's a family hug, you sick fuck!

474
00:25:55,136 --> 00:25:56,436
Oh, shit.

475
00:25:58,014 --> 00:25:59,854
The car's unlocked!
The car's unlocked!

476
00:26:11,111 --> 00:26:14,161
It was just a hug, Sue,
but it meant so much.

477
00:26:15,448 --> 00:26:16,748
I figured it out.

478
00:26:17,367 --> 00:26:21,747
All this time, my rage,
my blowing up at you and the kids,

479
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:23,667
it was about my dad.

480
00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:25,746
As much as I hated him...

481
00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:29,588
deep down inside
I guess I just needed an "attaboy."

482
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:35,468
- I've been telling you that for six weeks.
- Yeah, but now I get it.

483
00:26:35,552 --> 00:26:38,432
It's all over, Sue.
I don't have issues anymore.

484
00:26:38,513 --> 00:26:39,893
If you say so.

485
00:26:45,937 --> 00:26:49,607
One hug, and 40 years of resentment
is fixed for good?

486
00:26:49,691 --> 00:26:51,361
This won't last.

487
00:26:51,443 --> 00:26:52,743
It's gonna blow up again,

488
00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,109
and it'll be all on me
to pick up the pieces.

489
00:26:55,905 --> 00:27:00,035
I'm sorry to burden you with this,
but you're the only one I can talk to.

490
00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:03,288
What do I do
with a screwed-up husband like this?

491
00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:08,875
I might not be the best person
to answer that question.

492
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:10,750
♪ With two equal shafts ♪

493
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:14,047
♪ And a mast as tall as a steeple ♪

494
00:27:16,343 --> 00:27:19,353
♪ A catamaran is a pleasure craft ♪

495
00:27:19,971 --> 00:27:23,221
♪ For two to 16 people ♪

496
00:27:24,726 --> 00:27:30,226
♪ Catamaran, set sail across the ocean ♪

497
00:27:31,191 --> 00:27:36,611
♪ Catamaran
Don't forget your suntan lotion ♪