[indistinct chatter]
I'm telling you, Susan, I've had it with this kid.
I'm taking him right to the orphanage.
Maybe he'll get adopted by a nice deaf couple
who won't have to listen to his fucking bullshit.
Frank, you don't mean that.
The hell I don't.
If he thinks I was a bastard to him before, you wait.
Gonna make the old Frank look like fucking Captain Kangaroo.
How did my little Kevin end up here?
He robbed a liquor store, ma'am.
I know what he did!
[man] Murphy. You made bail.
Bye, Kevin. Say hello to Sue.
His mother told me to talk to a priest,
but I poison my husband instead.
She nice lady.
Sorry, kid. We thought you were a girl.
You know, with the long hair, the blouse, and the hysterical crying.
Put him in here, I ain't had no lunch yet!
You were probably safer with the women anyway.
[buzzer]
Your wallet. Keys.
Tambourine.
[sighs]
So. Now you got a record,
you made your mother cry...
[weeps]
...and you're gonna miss another day of summer school.
At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do.
What do you have to say for yourself?
Door was supposed to swing out.
Yeah, well, I should have pulled out, fucking jailbird!
Aw, your pimp is so mean, you sweet piece of white taffy.
Come with International Touch. You will be my queen.
He's not a girl. He's my son and he's wearing his mother's blouse!
Damn. You, sir, have failed as a father.
[buzzer]
All right, bitch, get in the fuck wagon!
[Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪
♪ Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Agh, poor Chet.
Poisoned by his own wife.
That's why I never eat Chinese food.
She's Vietnamese.
They're the worst kind of Chinese.
Oh, it's such a terrible hullabaloo.
When the ambulance came, Otto and I were in bed.
Together. As lovers.
Making love.
- Together. - Oy.
All right, my man Holten-hoser!
Looks like you need to add another number to your scoreboard.
Got you a tattoo.
You thought you were finished, huh, playboy?
Gott.
[indistinct chatter]
Any of you want to say something, say it to my face.
[overlapping chatter]
Get out of here, you fucking jackals!
[Vic] Easy now.
[indistinct chatter]
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Someone got poisoned last night, and you're still the fuck-up of the block.
I didn't try to get arrested.
I know. It was effortless, you fucking dope!
Let's all cool off.
Go to your room.
We'll talk about this later, young man.
He's no man.
- A real man doesn't rob a liquor store. - [grunts]
But if he does, he should have the decency to go out in a hail of bullets
and not burden the taxpayers to pay for his meals,
delousing showers, pigeon coops,
the old man with that fucking book cart
and all he's got is Bibles and old TV Guides
where some asshole already did the fucking puzzle!
You come back here, I'm giving you the benefit of my wisdom!
- It's Hobo Jojo day! - It's Hobo Jojo day!
- Oh, Jesus. - Oh, Jesus.
Mommy, can we go now? Can we? Can we?
I've been dressed since four a.m.
I'm wearing Nana Rose's foundation garment
in case I have an excitement oopsy.
Jesus Christ, will you both shut the fuck up?
Hey! Open that gutter mouth again, and I'll close it with my forearm!
Now go do your homework.
It's summer, I don't have any.
I don't give a shit!
[muttering] You never give a shit about anyone. God...
I'll be back down to take you to the TV station in a little while, Maureen.
- I just have to get changed. - Wear something clingy.
Formfitting is in this year.
Frank, I'm just as angry at Kevin as you are.
But I really think we need to try a different
and more nurturing approach with him this time.
Let him sleep for a little bit, you calm down
and then I need you to talk to him.
In a gentle and nurturing way that takes into consider...
Sue, so help me God, if you say "nurture" one more time,
I will walk into those woods and I will never come out.
We've been through all this before.
Yelling at him only makes things worse.
Look, I yell at Kevin because it's the only way to get him to listen.
But he's not listening!
Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!
[sighs] I'm serious. Kevin needs us.
Oh, don't cry. You know I hate it when you cry.
Though sometimes it feels like you're working me.
Fuck you!
Okay, sorry, real tears. I didn't know they were real this time.
[angrily] They're always real!
Of course. Of course.
[exhales]
Okay, fine.
I'll talk to Kevin and I'll be as nice to him as humanly possible.
[sheepishly] After I go see Chet at the hospital.
What?
Why in God's name would you go see that man after what he did to us?
Because I have to find out why that devious fucker
did all that shit to me, okay?
What are you hoping to get out of that?
What I never get from you, Susan... Answers!
I need to find something that makes sense in my life
instead of just a bunch of random happenings,
which according to my doctor, is burning dime-sized holes in my stomach.
[yells] I love you. Have a nice day!
Daddy, you're gonna watch me on TV today, right?
What?
Yes. Yes, of course.
You promise?
Oh, I promise you, Princess. I won't miss it.
I'll turn the TV now on and leave it on so you won't forget!
Give your woman everything she wants.
Wrap her in elegance.
Wrap her in passion.
Wrap her in... Turtletaub and Sons Aluminum Foil.
- [woman] ♪ That's Turtletaub ♪ - [man] ♪ And sons! ♪
You could do worse!
Why does it always have to be what she wants?
What's your problem?
[sighs] Dad... did you ever meet someone, um...
that you think maybe you really kind of like,
but they drive you crazy and...
Yeah, every last fucking one of you in this house.
[door opens and closes]
You again. Which kid did you almost kill this time?
None of your business. What room is Chet Stevenson in?
Colonel Stevenson's in no condition to have visitors.
Neither is your face, but there you sit.
- Beauty comes in all forms, mister. - [Frank] No, it doesn't!
You listen to me, Chet, you smug son of a bitch.
[ventilator beeping]
Oh, jeez.
Hey, Frank.
[breathing heavily]
How do I look?
That bad, huh?
What are you doing here?
Uh, I was gonna ask you about some of the things that, uh...
[sighs] That's not important now.
I shouldn't have come.
You know, when I was six years old my dad bought me a puppy on my birthday.
Oh, Christ.
Buster.
Yeah, I loved that little rascal with all my heart.
I remember being in school,
daydreaming about playing with him the second I got home.
All the adventures we were gonna have, and, uh...
two weeks later, it shit on my dad's favorite pair of shoes
so he, uh... drowned it in the sink.
Jesus. What a bastard.
Well, in defense of the old man, they were a beautiful pair of shoes.
My mother blamed me, of course.
Said, you know, I should've taken the dog out.
You know, I think that was the day when the switch just turned off.
That dog was, uh, the last time I truly cared about anything ever again.
That and the, uh, '66 Kansas City Chiefs.
Fucking Bart Starr. [chuckles]
I turned 18, enlisted in the military to, you know,
try and get away from the bullshit.
I ended up being a part of something that was more fucked up than my own family.
How funny is that?
[coughing]
[sighs]
She ain't coming, is she?
I don't think the authorities will allow her.
[sobs]
Yeah. I knew it.
Frank, could you hold my hand?
I'm not being funny or anything...
Just, uh...
Oh, boy.
I've been trying to turn it around for a while, you know?
But, uh... I guess I never found my way out.
You know when I called you a hero? I meant it, Frank.
And you got it all.
And don't fuck it up like I did. You promise?
I promise.
Chet, I should probably go home.
My kid's all messed up.
Not as messed up as you are, but...
[clears throat] you... you know what I mean.
Oh, okay, good.
Yeah... be with your kid.
Okay.
I'll see you soon, buddy.
No, you won't.
[Chet] Hey...
- [clears throat] Frank. - Yeah?
- I didn't want you to hold my hand. - What?
I didn't want you to hold my hand.
[chuckles]
I always knew you were a fag all along.
[coughs]
[laughs]
[coughs]
Come on, Charlie. Make it the last night.
Make it the last night.
What the fuck are you doing here?
You told me to come!
Well, that was before my stupid brother told my dad we were dating.
What? Oh, no!
Oh, yes. It was a fucking abortion.
My dad broke a table, breathed a bunch of booze on me,
and then he shit himself and passed out.
Jesus.
Yeah, I was hoping he wouldn't remember in the morning.
Or he'd be dead.
But he woke up today, sat me down,
said he didn't want me spreading my thighs
till I was at least old enough to wait tables.
[scoffs] You believe that shit?
- [Mr. Fitzsimmons] Jesus! - Whoa!
Who the fuck are you talking to?
You, you fucking bloated booze bag!
You're lucky I got a school bus to go drive.
Now, where were we?
I should go.
If your dad finds out I'm here, he's gonna beat the shit out of me.
Suck my tongue, you fucking coward.
[moaning]
You're not afraid of my big dumb dad, are you?
Yes. I am. And your brother.
[slurping]
No, you're not.
Seriously. I am. Ahh!
I hate my whole fucking family!
The only solution is for us to run away and be together.
Run away?
Yeah, to the most romantic place on Earth.
Pittsburgh, the city that never breathes.
We can live under one of their many bridges
and sneak into Steeler games.
What are you talking about?
You hate your family too, don't you?
Yeah, sure.
You and me, we're both alone.
All we've got is each other, you dumb twat.
But I don't think I can do that.
[voice breaking] I knew it! Every fucking person in my life shits on my dreams.
Don't you do it too.
I'm not trying to shit on anything!
Well, I'm leaving tonight.
I'll be in front of your house at six.
If you want to come with me, be there.
If not, then I guess this is fuck off and die.
[car engine]
[Frank] Oh, Christ.
[exhales]
Gentle and nurturing. Gentle and nurturing.
Gentle and fucking nurturing.
[Kevin] Who is it?
It's your father.
Wow, I like what you've done with the place.
Oh, right... Beaver.
When I was your age we just called it "down there."
It was a simpler time.
Look, I'm really sorry, all right?
Kevin...
even I know you're smart enough to know you made a big mistake.
So, look, why don't you join me above ground,
I'll make you lunch and we can talk about this.
Um...
Okay.
Wonderful. Thank you for listening to me.
After you.
Dad, you're not gonna kill me, are you?
- [bell rings] - [man] Ten seconds! Ten seconds to air!
Now, when Hobo Jojo comes out,
I want you to scream like a bunch of Catholics
watching the Pope take his hat off.
Can you do that for me?
[all] Yay!
Mom, make sure you get up when Jojo comes out.
He loves a standing ovation.
Okay, honey.
And raise your hands up high to clap so your tummy doesn't get blocked.
God, I miss driving a cab.
[railroad cop] It's time for Hobo Jojo's Cartoon Roundhouse!
- And here's Hobo Jojo! - [cheering and applause]
Work on the wig before it goes on my head.
Hey, kids, how we doing?
I'm Hobo Jojo!
And for you kids watching on Channel 78...
[speaks Spanish]
[cheering]
Eat your sandwich.
Eat yours first.
[sighs] Kevin, I didn't poison your food, okay?
That kind of thing only happens up the block.
Your mother told me I need to take a new approach, and this is it.
Just trying to help you get on the right path towards a better tomorrow.
Sound like my guidance counselor.
Sounds like he knows what the fuck he's talking about... Sorry. Sorry.
No upsetment.
- Dad, you're sweating. - I'm new to this!
[inhales]
[exhales]
I just want to know how we ended up here.
We weren't always like this, you and me.
We were buddies when you were little.
You weren't yelling at me then.
You weren't getting arrested then.
Come on, I'm not that bad, am I?
Dad, it's hard to be around you sometimes.
You're always screaming at the top of your lungs,
or you're all worked up about some stupid Colt Luger episode.
Well, why do they always have to end it on a cliff-hanger, huh?
Now I have to spend my whole summer
worrying if Colt's gonna get out of that submarine?
Like I don't have enough stress in my life?
- Good to see you care about something. - I care about you.
I cut your sandwich in half, didn't I?
Diagonally?
That takes longer.
I tell you, you don't know how good you got it, buddy.
Did you ever wonder why we never see my father?
Because he lives on a comet.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - That's what you told me when I was four.
Oh, that's right, I did.
Well... Well, here's the real reason.
[sighs]
How do I sum him up?
I was in the fifth grade play.
And my dad said he was actually going to take off work to come and see me.
So I was excited.
Well... turned out he just came down there to laugh at me.
Which he did.
Loudly and repetitively.
So... [clears throat] I started to forget my lines,
then more people started laughing.
He humiliated me.
Afterwards, he refused to give me a ride home
because he said there was no room in a DeSoto for sissies who act in plays.
My mother, as always, was silent.
Fucking guy drove behind me the whole way home
blowing the horn saying, "Who wants a daughter?
I thought I had a son!"
He called me...
He called me "Francine" for the rest of the year.
And I told myself right then and there...
that I would never be like him.
And I guess it really hurts me to think that you look at me like...
[snoring]
- Oh, what the fuck? [pounds on table] - Ah!
Jesus Christ! What the hell you doing?
I'm trying to open up to you, you fucking asshole!
Who wants to play the Coal Car Carnival?
Oh! Pick me!
Pick me! Hobo Jojo!
Oh, Pick me! Hobo Jojo, me! Me!
- I won! - No, you didn't.
Well, hello.
Hobo Jojo picks you!
Yay!
My God, you could anchor a zeppelin with this kid's melon.
Definitely a C-section.
[whispering] Do you have any home movies of the birth?
What's your name, squirt?
Phillip Bonfiglio.
Tell us a little about yourself.
Will you be my father?
That's my boy!
And how about you, sunshine?
Um, my name's Maureen Murphy. And... Hi, Daddy!
Look at me! I'm on TV!
I'm nine years-old...
I'm hard on you because I give a shit about you, Kevin!
Yeah, right.
I dare you to name one time,
one time when I wasn't looking out for what's best for you!
What? What about...
Besides the pool!
Okay, kids, you're playing to win this coal car full of toys and games
courtesy of Laugh 'n' Choke Toys
on Burned Down Lunatic Asylum Road in Ryetown.
Three rings around the bottlenecks and you're winners.
You go first, Phillip.
Oh...
Whoa.
[sad clown music]
[laughter]
I'm sorry, did you not understand the game?
- [audience laughs] - [Hobo Jojo] Your turn, Maureen.
Remember what the carny said.
"Flick your wrist. Aim high.
The government's run by lizards."
- That's one. Your turn, Phillip. - [cheering]
[girl] Good job.
Ah!
Whoa.
And I thought they cured polio.
[laughter]
[laughs]
[applause]
[cheering and applause]
That's two!
Well, look who's on a roll.
That's my Maureen.
That little broad might actually win this thing.
- What are we gonna do, Ray? - We?
I'm not the one who took all the toys out of the boxes
and gave them to your second family for Hanukkah.
I didn't do that either.
Jim Jeffords did.
Oh, boy.
- [Phillip] Whoa. - [laughter]
I let you down, Maureen.
It's okay. I've got this.
Here you go, kid. One last shot.
[slowed down clown music]
No!
Sorry, kids. Better luck next time.
Well, let's see what our old friend Sleepy Ramirez is up to.
I'll give you a hint, it's not an honest day's work.
You cheated!
[chuckles] All right, little girl. Game's over.
You kicked the box with your foot!
You cheated me!
Now, nobody likes a sore loser.
Your train ride is over.
Officer Ray has some parting gifts.
Ah!
I idolized you!
- All right, it's the bum's rush for you! - [screaming]
It's me coal sack!
You're gonna die!
There's the Sicilian in him.
Pittsburgh. I can't go to Pittsburgh.
Oh, how'd I get myself into this?
[tires screeching]
[Kevin] On my ninth birthday you took me to the beach and you left me there!
And I got stung by a jellyfish!
Oh, if you didn't whine so much, I wouldn't tune you out.
[Frank] I was getting a beer. I saw where you were.
Home sweet home.
You never even wanted me in the first place.
That's not true!
For the first five years of my life, I thought my name was "The Accident"!
That was a playful joke between your mother and me!
You wrote it on my birthday cake!
We were having fun!
Oh, Jesus Christ. What do you want?
Dad, I really need to talk to you about something.
Not now, Bill, huh? I'm in the middle of something.
[sighs] This is really important.
Can't you see that I'm having a heart-to-heart with your fucking brother?
You don't know how good you've got it, buddy!
I saw on the news there was a guy in New Jersey
who chopped his whole family up!
Oh! So either you or an axe murderer?
Those are my only two options?
[Frank] Oh, that's the problem with your whole generation...
"Too many options, man!"
I only had one option when I was a kid,
do what my dad said or get killed.
[Kevin] That's two options, man!
[Frank] Oh, I thought you sucked at math!
Jesus fucking Christ.
Can't I have one kid who isn't an absolute fucking disappointment?
Ah!
[Kevin] You don't care about me anyway. You don't know anything about me!
I know your brain doesn't start working till two in the afternoon!
Ha! Well, this brain is getting an "A" in summer school!
- You're getting an "A"? - Of course I'm not!
If you really knew me, you'd know I could never get an "A"!
Will you two knock it off?
Oh, hey, Sue. Back so soon?
Kevin, sit down.
Frank, I can't even look at you.
You promised to be gentle.
I treated him like a carton of eggs, Sue.
And surprise, surprise, he's still an asshole.
Well, as I'm sure you saw, we had a terrible day too.
Hobo Jojo cheated us,
but at least you saw me wave to you on TV, right, Daddy?
Hobo what-oh? What the hell is she talking about?
You didn't watch me?
But you promised.
Ah, Christ, Princess, I...
- Was it that important? - It was everything!
Great job, Frank. Why do I even try around here?
[to herself] This goddamn family.
[Sue] Is it me or is it them?
[Sue] Jesus Christ.
I guess you don't know anything about Maureen either.
- Shut up! - Kevin's right.
You don't care about me,
and it's gonna be even worse when the stupid baby comes.
Princess, haven't you learned by now?
Kevin's never right.
And Bill said you and Mom aren't my real parents.
That you guys found me living in a junkyard with a family of rats.
That little bastard.
Your mother's "gentle approach experiment" is over.
The patient died.
Kevin, you're grounded.
Maureen, be a man.
Goomer, go home!
Bill, I have a bone to pick with you!
[tense music climaxes]
[door opens]
[Frank] Sue, get down here.
What is it?
"Dear Mom and Dad.
[Bill] By the time you find this note,
I will be long gone because I'm running away.
Dad, I'm sure you won't care too much
being that I'm such a big disappointment to you
and I'm always bothering you with my problems.
And I know you think I'm a pussy.
My reasons for saying this are
A, I heard you say it to Mom.
In conclusion, I'm sure you will all be better off without me.
Mom, I'll remember to brush my teeth.
Maureen, even though I'll be gone forever, you still can't have my room.
[Bill] And Kevin, you were doing something.
Sincerely yours, Bill."
Here we go.
[moans]
It's just you and me, dickweed.
[poignant jazz music]
- [mechanical whirring] - [gunshot]