1 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:05,306 [imitates Candace's voice] Hello, this is 2 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:06,240 Candace von Weber. 3 00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:09,110 I'd like to make a reservation for jury duty. 4 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,544 Voiceover: This season on Odd Mom Out. 5 00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:13,047 - What are the odds of getting sequestered? 6 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,248 - You have no idea what I've been through. 7 00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:17,185 - I am the founder and She-E-O 8 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,388 of one of the fastest growing retail brands in the country. 9 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,123 - It's not like you're Louis Vuitton getting 10 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,358 knocked off and sold on every street corner. 11 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:25,493 - What, did you make like a dentist 12 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:28,129 and gun down Mufasa? 13 00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:30,331 - What happens on safari, stays on safari. 14 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,266 - I am capable of a lot more than you think. 15 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,102 It's time you started to recognize that. 16 00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,637 - Devon, consider yourself relieved of all duties. 17 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,805 - Brooke. 18 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,508 - I saw one of your bags on the street today in pink. 19 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,510 - Oh we don't do pastels. It's a knock off. 20 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,145 - Are you talking about an IPO? 21 00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:46,114 - Oh, the first rule of going public is 22 00:00:46,147 --> 00:00:47,648 you don't talk about it in public. 23 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,650 - That weekend dadisaur is about to go extinct. 24 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,552 - You should go rescue him. 25 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,386 - Crap! 26 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,155 I don't date dads. 27 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,157 - Tucker is my grandson. 28 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,525 - Mom, all the girls shave. 29 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,592 - Take your time. 30 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,294 Don't just go with the flow. 31 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:02,563 Wait, you didn't get your period, did you? 32 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,464 - No. 33 00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:05,433 But Remy and Molly have. 34 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,601 - What?! 35 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,238 - So what exactly is happening at the temple tomorrow night? 36 00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,306 - Okay, so basically they call the kids up 37 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,308 and then give them their B'nei Mitzvah dates. 38 00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,544 And then the parents scramble to book 39 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,412 the nicest party venues and the kids 40 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,281 race to look up their Torah portion. 41 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,449 - Aren't they all the same? 42 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,651 - That's like saying all Spielberg 43 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:24,885 movies are the same. 44 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:25,986 - Okay, um, what was yours? 45 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:29,690 - Instructions on how to clean a post-coital penis. 46 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,426 - Why is that even an option? 47 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,329 - Imagine a 13-year-old me chanting that. 48 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:35,963 - What are you guys talking about? 49 00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:37,165 - Nothing! - Nothing. 50 00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,332 - What's up, sweetie? 51 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,467 - I was wondering if you wanted to 52 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:40,668 shoot some hoops this weekend. 53 00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,203 - I would love it! 54 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:45,139 - Cool. Love you guys. 55 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,308 - Our little girl is maturing so nicely. 56 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,476 - [screaming] Mom! 57 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:49,743 Dottie's wearing my Butter sweatshirt! 58 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,345 Tell that hairy butthole to take it off 59 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,114 or I'm electrocuting her favorite doll! 60 00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:57,485 - Psycho. 61 00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:01,589 [theme music] * Hey yes you know 62 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:05,493 * I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine * 63 00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,395 - Hazel's mood swings are more extreme 64 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:09,197 than that pirate ship ride. 65 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,498 She goes from Lil Orphan Annie 66 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,466 to Linda Blair in 15 seconds. 67 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,368 - Yet you question my decision not to 68 00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:15,469 become a parent. 69 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,671 - Looks like you might go straight to grandparent. 70 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,940 How's it going with hot Pawpaw? 71 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:23,311 - He's fun, confident and a champ in the sack. 72 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,545 - You're not worried he's gonna break his hip 73 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,779 while you're shtupping? 74 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,381 - Jill! He's not that old. 75 00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:28,582 I don't think. 76 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:29,483 - Are you gonna bring him tonight 77 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,519 to celebrate Hazel's bat mitzvah date? 78 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,954 Or is 6:30 too late for him to eat? 79 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,390 - Eating early is better for the digestion. 80 00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,326 Can I have your potatoes if you're not going to? 81 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,228 - Go to town, I'm too nervous to eat. 82 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:43,431 This is the most me thing I've worked on in so long. 83 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:46,367 And if it gets rejected, it will suck balls. 84 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,468 - Okay tell me what it is! 85 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,437 I tell you everything, even work stuff 86 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,539 I'm legally and ethically barred from sharing. 87 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:55,676 - Remember those Peeps dioramas I used to make? 88 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,279 - Oh my God I loved those. 89 00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:02,283 My favorite was the S&M one after our jaunt to The Vault. 90 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:05,286 With that one Peep fetishizing another's foot. 91 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:06,387 - Even though they don't have feet? 92 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,289 - That's what made it so brilliant! 93 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:11,191 When did you start making those again? 94 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:14,362 Ah! Peep Navarro. 95 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,430 You can even tell how hung over I am. 96 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:18,499 - I'm pitching Rawling House a coffee table book 97 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,301 of my Peep tableaux to satirize 98 00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:22,303 the crazy shit in my life. 99 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,572 - Amazing! Channel Ollie in your pitch 100 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,607 and you'll definitely sell it. 101 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,777 Hmm, Brazilian. Bold move, Peep. 102 00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:32,813 - I depict situations 103 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:35,015 that have come to be thought of as "normal." 104 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,518 But by holding up a fun house mirror to them, 105 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,720 I'm able to expose them for how truly 106 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,422 ridiculous they are. 107 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,590 - Why Peeps? 108 00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,525 - Sugar has a long tradition of being used 109 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,026 as an artistic medium. 110 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,595 - Does it? 111 00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:48,496 - No, really. 112 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:51,031 In 1600, Maria de Medici was supposed to 113 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:54,268 marry Henri IV, but he was off fighting a war. 114 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,270 So they commissioned local sculptors 115 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,038 to create a sugar statue of the King 116 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,873 to stand in his place at the altar. 117 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,042 - While I'm impressed you memorized 118 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,744 that delightful anecdote, 119 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:07,348 I'm struggling to see how it relates to your work. 120 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,617 - Well back then sugar was a luxury item. 121 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:13,554 So Its use in art was a flagrant display of wealth. 122 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:16,857 By using Peeps I'm employing a symbol 123 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,592 of the everyman to comment 124 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:21,329 on the lifestyle of today's rich. 125 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,365 - I'll be in touch. 126 00:04:24,398 --> 00:04:26,367 - Uh, do you want me to keep my portfolio since 127 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:28,068 Rupert wasn't able to attend? 128 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:33,507 - I'm sure one image will give him a complete picture. 129 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,376 - Okay, thanks. 130 00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,780 Honestly I feel really great about the work 131 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,649 and the way that I pitched it. 132 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,517 Eff that naysaying gatekeeper 133 00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:44,785 if she doesn't get it. 134 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,087 I'm on such a high. 135 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,322 - That's great, honey. 136 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:49,390 - What are you eating? 137 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,391 - Leftover Thai. 138 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:52,626 I couldn't stop thinking about the Pad See Ew. 139 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:53,727 - You're home right now? 140 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:54,562 Don't go anywhere. 141 00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,398 - Who buys books anymore? That's my con- 142 00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,799 - Devon! Hi. 143 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,536 - [stutters] Jill, hi, what- what are you doing here? 144 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:06,340 - Um, realizing or crushing my dreams, not sure yet. 145 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:07,675 Do you work here now? 146 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:11,345 - Not exactly. - Okay, well good to see you. 147 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:12,813 - Yeah, you too! 148 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,419 - Brooke! - Brooke! 149 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,620 - Dan, Doyle. 150 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:22,590 So, how are we pacing? 151 00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:23,924 - This has honestly been the least stressful 152 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:25,493 quiet period we've had. 153 00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:26,927 - The SEC said your books were cleaner- 154 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,462 - Than a street corner in Singapore. 155 00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:29,697 - Are you ready to pick your stock ticker? 156 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:30,798 - Are you kidding? 157 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:31,965 This is the happy place I go to 158 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,735 when I'm forced to be with the children. 159 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,704 I want V-O-N. 160 00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,739 - Taken. Velocity Omega National. 161 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,841 - B-VON? - Bank of Vanuatu. 162 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,844 - VON-W? - Venezuelan Oil Now. 163 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,713 - Well what do you suggest? 164 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:46,947 - W-E-B-R. 165 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:50,618 - I was really hoping to get the Von in there. 166 00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,386 - How about V-O-N-Z? 167 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:53,854 - It's like the Fonz but with a V. 168 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,391 - VONZ. Yeah, I like it. 169 00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:58,992 Let's do this! 170 00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,528 - Don't make waves for five more days 171 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:01,662 and the next time we see you-- 172 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:02,863 - You'll be ringing the opening bell 173 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:05,499 of the New York Stock Exchange. 174 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,868 [all] To VONZ! 175 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,873 - Nooners are so underrated. 176 00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,743 No one's tired and it's supposed to end quickly. 177 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,479 - Yeah, this feels good. 178 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,814 Lex has come to his senses, 179 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,750 the kids are mostly okay, 180 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,753 you and I are back on track. 181 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,922 - Watch, now something terrible is going happen. 182 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,491 - Why do you always do that? 183 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:33,427 - What? Poop on your rainbow? 184 00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:36,029 - Why is it so hard for you when things are going well? 185 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,866 - History has shown that the Jews are always 186 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:41,201 two rugelach away from persecution. 187 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:45,038 - Regardless, thank you 188 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:48,008 for the very unexpected encounter. 189 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:49,176 - Oh! That reminds me. 190 00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,579 I forgot to text Brooke I ran into her old assistant, 191 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,914 Devon, at the publisher's. 192 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,015 Oh shit! 193 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,617 Six missed calls from Hazel's school. 194 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,587 Did they call you? 195 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:00,521 - No. 196 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,321 - I turned off my ringer for the meeting 197 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:02,856 and I forgot to turn it back on. 198 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:03,857 - Relax honey. They probably just 199 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,859 want you to stuff envelopes for the benefit. 200 00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:07,795 - Hi, this is Jill Weber, Hazel's mom. 201 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,763 Do you need me to come get her? 202 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,933 She did? No, no, my mother's in Palm Springs. 203 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:15,536 My mother-in-law. 204 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,638 Well, why didn't you call my husband? 205 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:20,841 Oh I see, okay. Thank you. 206 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,044 - Is she okay? 207 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,547 - Hazel just got her period. 208 00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,916 [lively music] 209 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:36,189 - Hazel, honey. How are you feeling? 210 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,626 I am so sorry that I wasn't there. 211 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,193 - It's no big deal, Mom. 212 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,963 Nemo didn't have a mother and he did just fine. 213 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:44,064 - We bought her a new ensemble 214 00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,833 and went for bellinis. 215 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:46,967 - Thank you for being there, Mother. 216 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,068 We'll see you at the party? 217 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:51,004 - Yes. And, Jill, I know I've made what's perceived 218 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,540 to be mistakes in the past 219 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,208 by not asking permission, so might I add 220 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,945 a few adornments to tonight's dinner? 221 00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,279 - Well- 222 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,615 - I was recently sequestered for 41 days. 223 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:04,217 That's one day longer than Jesus lasted, Jill. 224 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,286 Humor me? 225 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,088 That would be lovely, Candace, 226 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,958 and thank you for asking. 227 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,060 - I'm going to make it extra festive 228 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,962 for our little woman here. 229 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,965 - Thank you, Candace. Love you. 230 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:21,969 - See you tonight! 231 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,170 - Come on, sweetheart. 232 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:26,940 [phone rings] 233 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,108 - Brooke von Weber. 234 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,543 - Yeah, I'm a producer from the Wendy Williams Show? 235 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,678 Is it true your company- 236 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:34,147 - Sorry, but I'm not at liberty to say at this time. 237 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,282 - Ma'am, I'm trying to give you 238 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:36,917 an opportunity to tell your side- 239 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,886 - Sir, I appreciate your interest in Von Weber, 240 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,622 but my official comment is, "no comment." 241 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:45,092 Ugh, the press is clamoring for my story. 242 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:48,528 I can't wait until I can officially give them one. 243 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,301 - Scaly, pustulant skin lesions 244 00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:56,269 isn't the worst Torah portion. 245 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,337 - Can we not. 246 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,906 - It could have been sodomy. 247 00:08:58,939 --> 00:08:59,640 - Jill! 248 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:01,274 - What is wrong with you?! 249 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,276 - FML. 250 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,747 - Why don't you go pick up the twins and go home. 251 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,148 I'll deal with Maleficent. 252 00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,650 - Good luck. 253 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,658 - I got mine when I was thirteen. 254 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,126 - [groans] 255 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,260 - Pop pop and I were going out 256 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,029 for a daddy daughter date. 257 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:25,933 I got all decked out in my Naf naf skirt and neon socks 258 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,668 and as many black rubber bracelets 259 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,637 I could get my hands on. 260 00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,304 We went for Peking Duck 261 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,173 and then he took me to Forbidden Broadway. 262 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:36,076 And then halfway through the Fiddler on the Roof spoof, 263 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:39,379 I felt Niagara Falls in my undies. 264 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,049 During intermission I went to the bathroom. 265 00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:47,788 And my Calvins looked like Butcher Lazar Wolf's apron. 266 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,757 I knew what it was but I didn't know what to do! 267 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,124 So I put a quarter in the machine 268 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,994 and I got a pad the size of California. 269 00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:56,363 And we went back for Act 2. 270 00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:57,698 And then afterwards, we were walking 271 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:59,332 down the street on a theater high 272 00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:02,670 and all of the sudden, my pad falls out 273 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,338 sunny side up on 60th and Third. 274 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:08,075 I didn't know you had to remove the adhesive strip 275 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:11,078 thingy before sticking it in your underwear. 276 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,013 - That's the worst story I've ever heard. 277 00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:17,117 - See? Getting your period during Russian Literature 278 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,419 at an all girl's school is no biggie. 279 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,354 - It was a lot more traumatic than that, Mom. 280 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,623 You'd know that if you'd actually been there. 281 00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:31,231 [pleasurable moans] 282 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,366 - You're breathing heavy. 283 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,135 - I'm working hard. 284 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,369 - Here, let me get on top. 285 00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:39,106 - I got this. 286 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,712 - 187 BPM. 287 00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:46,780 - Wh- what are you doing? - Nothing. 288 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:49,049 - Wait- is there a problem? 289 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,318 - You were just exhibiting signs of hypertension. 290 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:53,153 Overexertion for someone your age- 291 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,055 - My age? I work out everyday 292 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:57,324 and I eat way healthier than you. 293 00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,827 - Men over 55 are at greater risk for heart disease than- 294 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,361 - There's some lube in the night table 295 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,330 if you want to check my prostate. 296 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,332 Otherwise let's leave the doctor bag at the door. 297 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:07,067 - Sorry. 298 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:15,308 [climactic moans] 299 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:25,719 - Dean? Dean! Dean! Dean! Siri, call 911! 300 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:27,287 No f---! 301 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:30,390 [hysterical laughing] 302 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,159 - Are you effing kidding me? 303 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,394 - You called me old so- 304 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:38,766 - Now I'll call you old and an asshole. 305 00:11:38,799 --> 00:11:40,768 - Oh. 306 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,804 - I totally ruined my uniform. 307 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:49,142 - That's why God made Clorox 2 Stain Remover, Hazel. 308 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:51,779 - Ugh, it's all so gross. 309 00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,213 - That is what the patriarchy would have 310 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,748 you to believe, when in fact 311 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,516 it is completely natural. 312 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,185 - So is animals eating their young. 313 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,220 - Good point. 314 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,855 Jesus, there are so many options! 315 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,423 I thought it was just pads n' pons. 316 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,793 But now there's organic plungers, 317 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,494 and latex shot glasses, 318 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,462 and this washable underwear. 319 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,832 I'm actually gonna get us a couple of these. 320 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,836 - I wanted it so badly but now that it's here 321 00:12:15,869 --> 00:12:18,238 I just want it to go away. 322 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:20,540 - Oh Hazey. 323 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:28,448 [singing * Spotting, clotting, moody, broody * 324 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,150 * You're down in the dumps * 325 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,352 * and you feel like doody * 326 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:34,121 * Your zits will spring 327 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,256 * Your cramps will blow 328 00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,125 * You'll have raging hormones * 329 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,427 * and a tummy like dough 330 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,797 * Medusa, Madea, and Lady Macbeth * 331 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:47,200 * Probs had PMS worse than death * 332 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:52,505 * Go with the flow Go with the flow * 333 00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:55,375 * Your boobies get tender 334 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,411 * And your skin's a shitshow * 335 00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,513 * Your sanity's atl its border * 336 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,216 * Your sheets will look like Law and Order * 337 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,319 * The diva cup The cotton rocket * 338 00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:10,423 * Shove a vampire teabag in your lady socket * 339 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:15,262 * Go with the flow Go with the flow * 340 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,965 * It's every woman's problem * 341 00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:20,267 * From a queen to a ho 342 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,869 * And so, my sweet 343 00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,872 * Get a chocolatey treat * 344 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:33,580 * And go with the flow * 345 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,549 - You feel like this once a month 346 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,985 and you still do everything you do? 347 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,252 - I never get any credit. 348 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:41,054 Welcome to womanhood. 349 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:43,957 [phone rings] 350 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,259 It's Olivia from Rawling House. 351 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,394 I'm just gonna call her back tomorrow. 352 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,130 - Kylie Jenner lip kits don't pay for themselves, Mom. 353 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,899 Take the call. 354 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,601 - Hi, this is Jill. 355 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,204 - What's happening? 356 00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:01,975 - The boss wants to see more photos...tonight. 357 00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,143 I'm sorry I can't do tonight. 358 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,578 Do you have any time tomorrow or next week? 359 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,347 - Don't be crazy. Invite him over. 360 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,282 - [whispering] Are you sure? 361 00:14:09,649 --> 00:14:12,252 Actually If he likes Sancerre he's welcome to come over. 362 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,955 Okay, thank you. 363 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:18,025 [phone rings] 364 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,927 - Thank you. Tonight will be super fun 365 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,361 and low key. I promise. 366 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:28,101 [all] Surprise! 367 00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:31,604 [quirky tune] 368 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,174 - Welcome to your Menarche Party! 369 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,209 Bloody Mary's anyone? 370 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:39,146 - Honey, I tried to warn you. 371 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,915 - I'm so sorry. 372 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,917 Candace never should have done this. 373 00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:47,187 - What are your granny panties in about, darling? 374 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,688 I asked. 375 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:53,160 - This...is actually insane! 376 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:54,161 - Oh I knew you'd love it. 377 00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:57,330 I wonder when our cycles are gonna sync up? 378 00:14:57,364 --> 00:14:59,632 - How is this my life? 379 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:01,068 [intercom buzzes] 380 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:01,935 - That must be Dean. 381 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,136 He's the only one who's not here yet. 382 00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,638 - Not Dean. He's dead to me. 383 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,074 - Hello? 384 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,342 - It's Rupert from Rawling House. 385 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:12,946 - We have one minute to give this place a hysterectomy. 386 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,047 Quick! 387 00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,050 - Don't just stand there, hide everything! 388 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,120 [doorbell rings] 389 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:23,957 - I can't watch. 390 00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:26,693 - I hope he likes fallopian tube pasta Pomodoro. 391 00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,229 Hi, I'm Jill. 392 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:33,233 Welcome to my reproductive system. 393 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,735 - A Menses Mojito for you. 394 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,706 - I had no idea an in person meeting 395 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,375 would be quite so personal. 396 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,211 - Neither did I. 397 00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:46,746 Would you like to peep my Peeps? 398 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:54,154 - Your work has the commentary of high art 399 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:57,257 but the aesthetic of low. 400 00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:59,026 How do you classify it? 401 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:01,428 - Well, I could just as easily see it next to a 402 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,997 Limited Edition Taschen at Rizzoli 403 00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:09,236 as a Grumpy Cat Holiday special at Urban Outfitters. 404 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,371 - Clever. 405 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,173 Is that Brooke von Weber? 406 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,175 - Oh yes. This is my sister-in-law. 407 00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:17,277 - Enchante. 408 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:22,415 - Oh look at the time, I really should be going. 409 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,417 - Oh, we're just about to cut the cake. 410 00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:28,055 - Thanks, but I've got a plane to catch. 411 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,157 - Well that got weird. 412 00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,359 - In his defense, it started out pretty weird. 413 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:36,163 - True. Ugh, I really wanted that book deal. 414 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,032 - I've got the perfect cure for our disappointments. 415 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:41,568 Get a broom and we'll Whack-A-Womb! 416 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:45,338 [upbeat rock music] 417 00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:48,508 - Turn around. - Oh God! 418 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:51,111 - Woo! - Ah! 419 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,011 - You got this! 420 00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:55,048 . Think of all the cramps in college! 421 00:16:55,082 --> 00:17:00,187 [cheerful whoops] 422 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,189 - Nice shot. 423 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,325 - Thanks, I was picturing this guy I used to date. 424 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,227 - I'm sorry about before. 425 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,163 But if anyone should understand that health 426 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:13,466 has nothing to do with age, it's an ER doctor. 427 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,136 You know firsthand that I could be 56 or 6 428 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:19,439 walking down the street and struck by a falling crane. 429 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:20,807 - Oh well I wish you would. 430 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,542 - You wouldn't be so bothered by something 431 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,112 happening to me if you didn't actually like me. 432 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,214 - Shit. That's some old, asshole wisdom 433 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:28,481 you just dropped on me. 434 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,816 - Hey, I don't believe we've met. 435 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,518 - Hands off. He's mine. 436 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,421 - [laughs] Okay. 437 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:38,125 - The next heart attack you have better be real. 438 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,095 - Darryl just texted to turn on Wendy Williams. 439 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,364 Apparently they're doing a segment on Von Weber. 440 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,099 - Being in the spotlight before going public 441 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,168 can be a threat to the IPO. 442 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,103 But any press is good press, right? 443 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:52,272 - Oh sure, Babe. 444 00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,442 - Von Weber: the label on the arms of supermodels 445 00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:57,277 and lips of rappers. 446 00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:00,580 A name synonymous with luxury and philanthropy. 447 00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,881 [phone rings] 448 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,450 - It's the guy from Rawling House. 449 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,118 - Or is it? 450 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:08,588 My first guest spent six years living a seemingly 451 00:18:08,621 --> 00:18:11,558 charmed life working for the woman who 452 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,426 started it all. 453 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,362 And he's got a new book in which he reveals 454 00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,530 that his dream job was as glamorous 455 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:18,665 as a hemorrhoid. 456 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:23,403 Please give it up for Devon de la Croix, the author 457 00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:28,375 of the scandalous tell- all, "Weber of Lies." 458 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,677 [audience applause] 459 00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:31,578 - Oh God. 460 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,580 - I didn't know Devon had a last name. 461 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:37,484 - I'm going to be sick. 462 00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:40,187 - Nice to meet you. 463 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,357 - Yas, fabulous! 464 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:48,295 So Devon, what made you decide to write this book? 465 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,330 - For years I didn't want to talk about my 466 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,799 time with Brooke Weber but everyone kept asking 467 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,635 - me about it so. - Okay, hold up. 468 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,837 - You just said, "Brooke Weber". 469 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,273 Where's the "von"? 470 00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,642 - Well, Brooke will say it was 471 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,277 [all] restored 472 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,346 - but gimme a 65 dollar cashier's check 473 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,747 and an hour in Civil Court 474 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,649 and I can make you Wendy von Williams. 475 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:10,850 [audience laughs] 476 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:15,755 What?! Wendy von Williams? 477 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,191 Yes, what do you think? 478 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,827 - You ungrateful weasel. 479 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:21,661 - Yas! 480 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:22,762 - I will destroy him. 481 00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,797 - If he doesn't destroy you first. 482 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,367 - You have that friend who's in a horrible relationship 483 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,936 and bitches about it, but doesn't ever leave? 484 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,938 - Russ, yes. 485 00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,940 - [sobbing] That was me. 486 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,776 You know, Brooke doesn't like anyone 487 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:39,346 and when she laughs at your joke 488 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,281 or lets you in on a secret, it makes you feel special. 489 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:45,352 - Did she let you in on any big secrets? 490 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,655 - Enough to fill a 327-page book. 491 00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,291 - Spill it. 492 00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:54,627 - Well, someone told Brooke her company 493 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,896 wasn't truly successful because she wasn't 494 00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,731 getting knocked off. 495 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,400 So Brooke asked me to research 496 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,802 where bags could be made on the cheap. 497 00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:06,806 - Hold on. Are you insinuating 498 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:11,678 Brooke Weber is manufacturing her own knockoffs? 499 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,414 - Well, you'll have to read the book, 500 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:17,350 but don't be surprised if there's 501 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,184 a sweatshop in Mexico with 6-year-olds 502 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,854 sewing VW emblems onto saddlebags. 503 00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,391 - That is so not right. 504 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,293 And that's just the tip of the iceberg! 505 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:29,329 When we get back, the story behind this picture 506 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:33,466 of the mother-in-law on a recent safari in Asia. 507 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:36,903 And the deets on her husband, the astro- 508 00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:40,840 [both] Not! 509 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:43,943 - Grab a snack and come on back. 510 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:45,645 [cell phones ring] 511 00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:46,646 [text message pings] 512 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,781 - Is this all true? 513 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:50,450 - Okay, I'll draft a cease and desist letter for Devon, 514 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,919 then we'll sue the pants off of Rawling House for libel. 515 00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:55,722 - I'm calling the liquor store. 516 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,324 - Rawling House bought my book! 517 00:20:57,357 --> 00:21:04,063 Let's get this period party started! 518 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,033 What? 519 00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:10,770 - There's no hiding, Jill. The secret's out. 520 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,439 - Candace, I am so sorry. 521 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,774 I had no idea that you would be picked 522 00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,743 let alone sequestered! 523 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,779 - I- - Jill. 524 00:21:20,547 --> 00:21:23,750 - What secret were you guys talking about? 525 00:21:23,783 --> 00:21:24,250 - For more Odd Mom Out, 526 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,485 go to bravotv.com.