1 00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:04,872 - Ahh, orgasmatron. 2 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,209 This is just the kind of pampering I needed 3 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,144 after UTH kicked my ath. 4 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,380 - And whipped it, slapped it, pickled it. 5 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,781 It was like 50 Shades of Spa. 6 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,550 - Now I'll be all preened and polished 7 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:19,287 as I descend into Hades for my job. 8 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,123 - Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that shoot, Jill. 9 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:23,457 Actually, that's not true. 10 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:25,093 I don't have a good feeling. 11 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,394 - It's a national campaign! 12 00:00:26,427 --> 00:00:27,395 - For Brooke. 13 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,130 - For myself! 14 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,365 I still can't believe she asked me. 15 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:32,500 What's the worst thing that could happen? 16 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,602 - Oh, she throws you in a hole 17 00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:37,538 and asks you to rub lotion on its skin. 18 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:40,408 - I hadn't thought of that. 19 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,310 Woman: Four manicures, please. 20 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:43,611 Oh, hey Jill. 21 00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,180 - Hey guys. 22 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:49,150 - What part of your life did this crew crawl out of? 23 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,485 - [whispering] They're moms in Hazel's class. 24 00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:55,389 - So, how are things [coughs] downtown? 25 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,591 - Lila, I'm in agony. - Me too. 26 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,560 This box is on fire. 27 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,529 Move over Alicia Keys. 28 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,597 - What time is your shoot? - Shh. 29 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:06,267 - I went to Clyde's and Pasteur. 30 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,236 There's no Monistat left on the shelves. 31 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,404 It's like there's a run on it. 32 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,540 - If men had vageens, Mom-istat would be 33 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,309 in hand pumps in public bathrooms across the country. 34 00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,877 - Seriously. 35 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,281 - Lulu, Margaret, do you guys have it too? 36 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:21,682 - Are we on the same cycle? 37 00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,517 Is there a cycle for yeast infections? 38 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,119 - I don't think so. 39 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,620 I had my fair share of critch in college, 40 00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:28,456 but it was never this bad. 41 00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:31,192 I almost molested my desktop cactus. 42 00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:35,329 And I can't so much as look at cottage cheese. 43 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:40,468 - Something's rotten and I'm gonna crack it wide open. 44 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,405 [theme music] * Hey yes you know 45 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:47,441 * I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine * 46 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:52,213 - Jill, I'd like to do a quick walk-through of the line. 47 00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,581 - Sure! 48 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,184 - Since my life-altering trip to India, 49 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:58,552 I've only been able to think about two things: 50 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,588 tabletop and housewares. 51 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,224 I need these jewel tones to be vibrant. 52 00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,459 - Well styling opposing hues together 53 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,894 will really make them pop in the photos. 54 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:10,631 - Perfect. Diana Vreeland once said, 55 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:14,235 "Pink is the navy blue of India," and it's true. 56 00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,470 Now, more than ever. 57 00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,372 - So I was expecting some more animal prints. 58 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:20,508 Didn't you guys see like tigers and elephants 59 00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,344 and shit on your East Asian safari? 60 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,180 - What happens on safari stays on safari. 61 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:29,717 - What, did you make like a dentist and gun down Mufasa? 62 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:33,187 - Oh! 63 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:39,593 [Indian-style music] 64 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:44,265 So here we have a tasseled throw pillow 65 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,767 and a sequin-rimmed bolster. 66 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,736 Great, right? 67 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:51,572 Ugh, and I love this doormat. 68 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:54,675 Over here are Hindu-inspired steak knives. 69 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:57,945 They have uh, leather sheath and handle. 70 00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,414 Feel. Don't you just love their girth? 71 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,716 - I'm pretty sure steak is verboten? 72 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:06,420 - Oh, and this is a Taj Mahal dog bed. Cute. 73 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,223 And these are some serving trays. 74 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,259 These are coasters here and- 75 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,227 - Whoa, whoa! - Here we have- 76 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:16,230 - Brooke, Von Weber cannot sell objects 77 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,531 that have swastikas on them. 78 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:18,699 - They're Devanagari. 79 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,568 It's the Indian symbol for Luck. 80 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,503 They're the good kind of swastika. 81 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971 - It's not cholesterol. 82 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,740 There is no "good kind" of swastika. 83 00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:30,444 - Girls, Jill is vetoing the trays. 84 00:03:30,478 --> 00:03:31,979 - The swastikas? 85 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,548 Oh, come now. 86 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,417 The design isn't even that big. 87 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:39,453 At worst, they're just a little Nazi. 88 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:42,323 - The phrase, "little Nazi," only makes sense 89 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:43,791 if it's referring to Hitler youth. 90 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,726 - Okay, fine. They're killed. 91 00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:48,829 - Thank you. Okay, let's start. 92 00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,632 So I'm picturing these Vishnu and Shiva salt and pepper 93 00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:54,735 shakers with the sapphire placemats. 94 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:57,371 Why don't you guys set those? 95 00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,772 - You're finally ready. 96 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:00,641 - Well I've been prepping all week. 97 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,544 - No, I mean, at this point in your career. 98 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,646 I couldn't lift you up before 99 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:08,316 because I couldn't reach down that low. 100 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,683 You had to climb. 101 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,519 - Thank you? 102 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:14,588 [energetic rock music] 103 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:22,363 [phone ringing] 104 00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:24,765 - If this isn't about the itch sitch, I can't talk. 105 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,768 - Well I have two more cases: Parker and Simone! 106 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,671 - So it's a larger population in the affected hot zone 107 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:31,772 than we thought. 108 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:32,640 - No, that's the thing! 109 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,475 They're not moms at Hazel's school. 110 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,344 They're at Nightingale and Sacred Heart. 111 00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,412 - Ah! A new locus of infection! 112 00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:40,548 I smell an epidemic. 113 00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,383 - Where are Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo 114 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,418 in full-on hazmat suits? 115 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,853 We need to find that monkey. 116 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,355 - Slow down. 117 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,623 First I need to make an accurate diagnosis, 118 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:50,858 and since I can't examine these women, 119 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,693 I need you to collect more data. 120 00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,595 - Okay, I'll just zip over to Duane Reade 121 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,397 and pick up a speculum. 122 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,765 - Is the discharge white and chunky? 123 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,800 Or colorless and frothy? 124 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:03,103 - [gags] Chunder mid-espohagus and rising. 125 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,739 - I need to determine if the infection is yeast or bacterial. 126 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:06,840 - I'm hanging up. 127 00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:07,841 - At least tell me if it smells like 128 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,677 a clam chowder bread bowl when you walk by! 129 00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,612 - Ew. Bye! 130 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:21,522 [uplifting music] 131 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,592 - Welcome, recruit von Weber. 132 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,759 - Wait, hold on. 133 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:28,429 Let's take a selfie. 134 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:29,863 You ready? - Mmm-hmm. 135 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,532 [phone camera clicks] 136 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:33,701 [zipping and velcro ripping] 137 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,603 [upbeat music] 138 00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:39,106 Instructor: Over the course of the next two days, 139 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,609 we will test your abilities in engineering, 140 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,777 navigation, 141 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:47,448 native landscape awareness 142 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,150 and fitness. 143 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,721 The trip to Mars will take an extreme toll on your body. 144 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,590 So only those in peak physical and mental condition 145 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:57,891 will make the cut. 146 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:06,400 Do you have what it takes? 147 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,638 [camera flash clicking] 148 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:13,674 - You know what Todd, I think we need to take this strobe 149 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,876 down a stop. Thank you. 150 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:17,711 All right, let's take the hand mirror, 151 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:20,614 the letter opener with the paper weights on a lucite cube 152 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:23,451 with the linens fanned out underneath. 153 00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:26,720 - Jill. I say this with all due respect, 154 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:30,458 but you do what you do, and let us do what we do. 155 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:31,892 - What is it that you do? 156 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,661 - This is our jurisdiction. 157 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,764 - Simone, it's a product shoot, not a murder case. 158 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,899 - Not yet. 159 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,000 - How's it going? 160 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,770 - Great, this place is 161 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,872 a photographer's wet dream. 162 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,540 - Booking it was the last good thing 163 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:50,478 that asshole Devon did before I was forced to fire him. 164 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:51,745 - Have you heard from him at all? 165 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:52,713 - Not a peep. 166 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,615 He's probably back to steaming sweater sets 167 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,617 at Ann Taylor Loft. 168 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:01,689 I don't miss him. 169 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:05,459 - Thanks for coming down to the Village, Mother. 170 00:07:05,493 --> 00:07:07,828 - Well, I love the Village, but I most certainly 171 00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,797 don't understand the appeal of this restaurant. 172 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:10,631 - Oh, it's fun! 173 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,199 We take the kids here all the time. 174 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:14,935 - Why would I pay if I have to cook my own food? 175 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,670 - I'll cook the food, how about that? 176 00:07:16,704 --> 00:07:18,506 - All right, fine. Now the reason I wanted 177 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:21,475 to meet is that I'm very concerned about Alexander 178 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,577 and his looming failure as a martian. 179 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:24,745 - What do you mean? 180 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,714 - MarsX is looking for experts. 181 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,249 The only thing Lex has put 10,000 hours into 182 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,851 is manscaping. 183 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,219 - With all due respect, Mother, 184 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,855 Lex has achieved extraordinary success 185 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,924 with no discernible skill set. 186 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,692 - Well, I don't think he's going to be able to 187 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,761 charm his way onto that rocket. 188 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,964 And as his mother, I cannot be expected to comfort him 189 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,733 when he's rejected. 190 00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,767 So you're just going to have to 191 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,802 step up and Swiffer the mess. 192 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:52,039 - Andy Weber, the man, the myth, the legend! 193 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,774 - Hey, how's it going, Spencer? 194 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,609 - Epic Dads' Night, buddy. 195 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,811 Thanks for introducing me to that wine place. 196 00:07:57,845 --> 00:07:59,012 I'm taking these guys there tonight 197 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,582 to celebrate our new Kyoto deal. 198 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,517 Leader-ship! 199 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:07,555 - Dads' Night? 200 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,289 - It was a big success. 201 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,091 - Anderson, have I taught you nothing? 202 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:12,860 You can never do too good a job 203 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,062 or they'll expect you to keep doing it. 204 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,831 You have to do the bare minimum in life. 205 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,767 - First up,the sliced Kobe beef. 206 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,769 Give that a good sear for thirty seconds before flipping. 207 00:08:21,802 --> 00:08:23,671 - Gotcha, thanks very much! 208 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:27,007 - And my boss would kill me 209 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,609 if he knew I was saying this, 210 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:30,010 but I love the way you present! 211 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,713 You are serving silver-screen realness today! 212 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:36,049 Extra fishy, Candy Ass! 213 00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:38,986 - What the hell did he just say? 214 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,054 - I don't know. 215 00:08:41,088 --> 00:08:45,125 - Does this perfume smell fishy to you? 216 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:50,030 [disco music] 217 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:54,735 [horror tune] 218 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:57,070 - I know what's plagueing the Upper East Side. 219 00:08:57,104 --> 00:09:00,107 All of these moms have strepgina! 220 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,080 - So you're saying all these ladies have strep throat 221 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,583 but in their vagina? 222 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:11,284 - Indeed. 223 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,953 - I've never heard of that. 224 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,187 Is it common? 225 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:15,723 - Individual cases are not uncommon, 226 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,157 but an outbreak is. 227 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,025 We've got to figure out 228 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,694 what's linking these women together. 229 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,996 - Maybe it's those gel seats at spin class? 230 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,598 Those always felt gross to me. 231 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:25,733 - No, it has to be direct contact 232 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,300 and they're not riding naked. 233 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,202 Unless there's a new theme ride at SoulWheelz 234 00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,104 that I don't want to know about. 235 00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:32,272 - What about a waxing salon? 236 00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:33,340 - Talk to me. 237 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,042 - I read about this place in Queens that got busted 238 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,177 for not using linen strips and instead 239 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,012 they just the put the hairy wax back 240 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,948 in the melter thingy between clients. 241 00:09:40,981 --> 00:09:42,149 - Ew. 242 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:43,183 - It can't be that. 243 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,284 These bitches don't go to Queens 244 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:46,053 unless they have to fly commercial. 245 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,387 - Obviously, the most common way 246 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,990 for this to proliferate is sex. 247 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,059 So either these ladies are all scissoring each other- 248 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,193 - Not a chance. 249 00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:56,396 - Or they got eaten out by the same guy. 250 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,065 What man could chow that much box 251 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,001 and with strep throat? 252 00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,303 What about that hot Columbian spacialist 253 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:04,938 who organized your closet? 254 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,007 Didn't you tell me boned half his clients? 255 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,175 - He got deported. 256 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:13,180 - Dottie's Homework Resistance teacher? 257 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:16,049 - Katie Garner who recommended him hates sex. 258 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,085 She drunkenly confided in me once that she 259 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,753 only sleeps with her husband on their anniversary. 260 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:23,657 - When was that? Open your Facebook. 261 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:27,094 - Two weeks ago! 262 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,196 - Blow up the picture. 263 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,264 - He's 80. He's not Patient Zero. 264 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,736 - Hey ladies. - Hey. 265 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:39,006 - How's it uh...going? 266 00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,743 - No, but maybe all of the women 267 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:45,245 slept with their own husbands- 268 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:48,248 - And? 269 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,685 - And the husbands all have strep dick! 270 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,787 [creepy tunes] 271 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:55,155 - God. 272 00:10:57,124 --> 00:11:00,994 - Recruits. Your time starts now. 273 00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:06,399 [inspirational tune] 274 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,703 [Lex reading] Explain the scientific process 275 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:12,840 of extracting water from Martian soil. 276 00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:16,343 [scoffs] 277 00:11:18,445 --> 00:11:19,512 Label each part 278 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,148 of this liquid propellant rocket engine 279 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,383 with a gas pressure feed system. 280 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,787 What the? 281 00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:32,359 What is the exact distance between 282 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,094 [mispronounces] Schiaparelli Crater 283 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:37,030 and Olympus Mons? 284 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:38,165 [scoffs] 285 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,712 [mid-tempo music] 286 00:11:56,549 --> 00:12:01,054 [Lex thinking] "A" ambitious! 287 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:05,793 "L" Lex. Loyal. 288 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:09,129 "E" easy, elite. 289 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:13,200 "X" 290 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,835 I'll come back to it. 291 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:18,405 "A" ambitio- no. Already used that. 292 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,241 Adaptable. 293 00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:24,211 "N" nice. 294 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:30,517 "D" dashing, debonair, um, dad-icated. 295 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:34,487 "E" another "E". Let's see, enthusiastic, 296 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:37,357 energetic, eager. Eager! 297 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:41,561 "R" ripped. Duh. 298 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:45,866 And...xylophone. 299 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,467 Boom! 300 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,839 [upbeat music] 301 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:14,227 [indistinct chatter] 302 00:13:14,261 --> 00:13:17,164 - Hey, Candy Ass? 303 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,866 Looking fierce! 304 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,233 - I beg your pardon? 305 00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:21,902 - We have tickets to your show tomorrow. 306 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,204 - And where did you say I was performing? 307 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,839 - At Hissy Fist! 308 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,541 - Right, right. I'll see you there at- 309 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,411 - Ten! Living! 310 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,580 - See you there! 311 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:38,485 [disco music] 312 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,557 - Is there a chance all of these guys are swingers? 313 00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,492 - No, I know them. 314 00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:48,528 The only thing they'd share are stock tips. 315 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,463 - Don't shoot me, but I think I have to throw in 316 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,299 the hygienic towelette. 317 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:55,568 I need some sleep before day two of Slumdog Tableware. 318 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,438 - No! We have to Crockett and Tubbs this! 319 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,240 - We're out of the Malbec, but give this a try. 320 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:03,376 - Thanks. 321 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,880 Is this that Latvian Grenache? 322 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:08,515 I really don't know why everyone's jizzing about it. 323 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:09,883 A patient sent me a bottle as a thank you 324 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,418 and it's just meh. 325 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:12,920 - Got it from the Dads' Night Out. 326 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,989 We had a wine tasting. 327 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:17,024 - Show me the website. 328 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:17,891 - Of what? 329 00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:20,227 - The place you held the wine tasting. 330 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:29,536 [gasps] 331 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:30,637 - What the hell? 332 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,042 - You look like how my throat feels. 333 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,010 - There's no Monistat left on the shelves. 334 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,411 - Two more cases. 335 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:39,479 - Do you guys have it too? 336 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,580 - Parker and Simone. 337 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,915 - I just need to run this culture- 338 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,483 - And I can't so much as look at 339 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,319 [distorted voice] cottage cheese. 340 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,923 - Vanessa? 341 00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:52,392 - I just had a Keyser Soze flashback. 342 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,494 Any chance those Latvian wine sommeliers 343 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,896 were tasting more than tannins? 344 00:15:01,301 --> 00:15:06,373 - You gotta check out the Effervescent Room. 345 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,507 - You have headache? 346 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:08,708 I have cure. 347 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:12,079 - Best Dads' Night ever! 348 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:16,416 - Oh, no. I'm Keyser Soze. 349 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:17,650 - You figured it out also? 350 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:18,952 - No, I'm just clumsy. 351 00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:21,321 I'm on the Godfather day of my period. 352 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:22,555 What are you guys talking about? 353 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,258 - Those Latvian wine sommeliers were escorts! 354 00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,393 - The ringleader had strep throat, 355 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,728 which is highly contagious. 356 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,298 If the dads got blowies from her and her cohorts, 357 00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:33,400 they would get sick dick. 358 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,401 - But none of the dads have said anything. 359 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:36,336 - Because men are asymptomatic as carriers. 360 00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:37,470 They wouldn't have known they'd had it, 361 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,039 so they'd have sex with their wives. 362 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:42,042 Et voila. 363 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:45,012 A Strepgina epidemic. 364 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,446 - You're a genius. 365 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:47,547 You're in deep shit. 366 00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,449 - I swear, I didn't know! 367 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,689 Oh God, I'm the chimpanzee. 368 00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:03,896 So I was thinking that we should 369 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,301 swap out the sari maybe for the 370 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,502 - coral? - Coral. Yeah! 371 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,038 - Mind reader! 372 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,305 - No, I love a power clash, 373 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:15,342 but something about this isn't working. 374 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,177 Look. 375 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,149 There we go. 376 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,185 Perfect. 377 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,519 - The collection's really good, Brooke. 378 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,556 - Thank you. I can't wait to revamp my website 379 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,758 with all your new images. 380 00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:32,825 Did I tell you? 381 00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,028 We're going to have an Arranged Marriage Registry. 382 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,229 - What do you mean? 383 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,198 - The couple doesn't pick what they get, 384 00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:41,101 it all just comes, curated by me. 385 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,236 - Neat! 386 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,505 - Yeah. 387 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:49,509 - You've all done incredible work, 388 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,245 which made this round of cuts very difficult. 389 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,281 Some of you prevailed physically. 390 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,549 Others mentally. 391 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:59,252 But we only have room for those exquisite specimens 392 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,321 who excelled in both. 393 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,490 - God, I hope I get it. 394 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,527 - If I call your name, step forward. 395 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,564 - Really hope I get it. 396 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:16,436 Bintu Conteh. 397 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:21,574 Nicholas Petrovich. 398 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:26,113 Benedict Baldauff. 399 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,415 Edward Chin. Lisa Melodia. 400 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,584 Michael Arnold. Nicole Sylvester. 401 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,853 - How many people does he need? 402 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:38,191 Lilli Janney. Keith Sauter. 403 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:42,195 Brian Ray. Isabel Richardson. 404 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,597 Jan Jericho. 405 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:51,271 Front rows, thank you for your efforts. 406 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,507 Back rows... you're moving on. 407 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,612 - I got in. 408 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:01,214 - Congratulations, Semifinalists. 409 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:02,415 Fifteen of you remain, 410 00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,417 but there are only nine jump seats on this 411 00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:07,287 first historic manned mission to Mars. 412 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,189 We'll see you in a few weeks 413 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:13,526 when you will face your final and ultimate test. 414 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:23,303 Emcee: Ladies and Gentlemen 415 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:28,208 put your hands together for Miss Candy Ass! 416 00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:33,146 - Hello! You're too good to me. 417 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:38,518 I am Candy Ass. Miss Ass if you're nasty. 418 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:41,921 Where is my drink? 419 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,457 Hey honey, honey, slow down, please. 420 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:49,196 The only people who should run are children and thieves! 421 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:50,397 Where are you from hunty? 422 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:54,367 - The only people who should run are children and thieves. 423 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,469 - I just spent a month and a half sequestered 424 00:18:56,503 --> 00:19:00,307 on a jury and let's just say if you had been there 425 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:04,477 it would have been hung. 426 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:07,914 Trust me, they were 12 very happy men. 427 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,482 - We love you Candy Ass! 428 00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:11,318 - Love you too, baby! 429 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:12,885 You got money? 430 00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,622 Because I do not want to be a nurse- 431 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,658 - or a purse. - or a purse. 432 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,727 [cheers and applause] 433 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:25,832 So what did you think? 434 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:27,667 - You were wonderful. 435 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,635 - Thank you. 436 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:29,602 - Why didn't you tell me? 437 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,504 - I didn't know how you were gonna react. 438 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,840 - Well I loved it. Truly. 439 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,609 - Phew. 440 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,710 - If you don't mind my asking, 441 00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:38,778 what made you do it? 442 00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,280 - You inspired me. 443 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,715 When I got back from jury duty to my real life 444 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,617 I felt like I was missing something. 445 00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:47,687 - What? Pam Tinkler's acronyms? 446 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:51,758 - You're amazing. 447 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:54,327 And exactly what the community needs right now. 448 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,997 You have the soul of RuPaul with the body of Helen Mirren. 449 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:58,998 - Carlos, you know a lot of men 450 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,934 have made me feel a lot of different things. 451 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:06,306 But no one has made me feel this spectacular 452 00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,775 without being seven inches deep. 453 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,577 - Eight inches. 454 00:20:15,282 --> 00:20:16,916 - Well that's great that you're proud of the shots. 455 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:20,853 - Yeah but I'm horrified by her cultural appropriation: 456 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:24,023 a five-tiered serving tray she called a Caste System? 457 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,692 - No. 458 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:26,926 - Well at least you got along. 459 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,628 - Disturbingly well. 460 00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:31,964 All right I gotta get this bra off. BRB. 461 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:35,268 - What a week. 462 00:20:35,302 --> 00:20:36,269 - Seriously! 463 00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,937 I can't believe that whole strepgina outbreak 464 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,539 was my fault! 465 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:42,675 Next time I'm just doing an adult coloring event. 466 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,677 - It's okay, Andy. You meant well. 467 00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:46,579 You always do. 468 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:47,947 - Thanks Vanessa. 469 00:20:47,980 --> 00:20:50,016 - And you know you can confide in me. 470 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:51,951 - Okay. 471 00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:54,321 - I can get you the help you need. 472 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:55,288 - What? 473 00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:57,657 - If one of those Eastern Euro trash bags 474 00:20:57,690 --> 00:20:58,791 spit-shined your baseball bat. 475 00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,294 - Are you insane? No! No! 476 00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:03,696 I did not let anybody touch me. 477 00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:07,066 - I am a doctor, so thanks to HIPAA laws 478 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,402 I can't legally tell Jill. 479 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,305 - I don't have it! 480 00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:16,709 - Jill, he didn't do it! 481 00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:18,711 - I thought it was confidential. 482 00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:22,849 - Oh, nothing is confidential between me and Jill. 483 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,351 For more Odd Mom Out, 484 00:21:24,384 --> 00:21:24,451 go to bravotv.com.