- I'm so Jill-ous of you, Hazel.
I miss getting all dressed up
and wondering which boy I was gonna dance with.
- Why don't you and Dad ever go dancing?
- I love Daddy, but he dances like
a toddler hailing a cab.
- Okay, what about this one?
- Ugh, I'd rather barf shards of glass.
- Okay. This one is sweet.
Just like you.
- Hate.
- You gotta work with me.
You hate full skirts, you hate sleeves-
- I like this.
- Holy whorehouse! Are you insane?!
- Mom!
- I'm sorry, what I meant to say was,
you're going to a Doubles Dance,
not waiting for Liam Neeson to rescue you
from Chechnyan sex slavery.
- How about this one?
- You don't have the rack to hold that up!
All right you're trying these on. End of discussion.
- These are so flowy and disgusting.
- The tighter the dress, the looser the vagina.
- Mom!
- This is such a fun age.
[theme music] * Hey yes you know
* I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine *
- It says here the radiation in space could affect
brain function and increase your risk
of Alzheimer's and cancer.
Lex, this is serious.
- And I'm serious about it.
- What are you doing?
- Perfecting my balance and spacial awareness.
All the astronauts are doing it.
- But they're not all doing it in my living room.
- I'll put it away.
- This one's for muscular strength and coordination.
- "I hereby acknowledge that recruitment in MarsX
involves risk of serious injury, including permanent
disability and death."
Lex, you're basically signing your life away.
- Didn't I already agree to that when I signed up for
Facebook's terms and conditions?
- Are you sure you want to do this?
You have a wife and four kids; it's kind of selfish.
- Not signing up earlier was more selfish.
Andy, here on Earth I have everything:
a smokin' hot wife,
a rainbow collection of pocket squares,
A LEGO replica of the Burj Khalifa.
I don't have any of those things on Mars...
yet. But give me a couple of years.
[vase shatters]
- Oh, okay sorry.
- Jill's gonna love that.
- I don't get it.
They're sending a rocket into outer space
and shitting people out on Mars.
To do what?
- Make it habitable.
Stephen Hawking doesn't think we're gonna survive
another thousand years on our fragile planet.
Trump in office that's probably closer to 300.
- Maybe that's his plan all along:
ruin this place so we all have to move to Trump Tower Mars.
- Well the décor would be out of this world.
- Keep up the dad humor and I'll be the next one applying
for a seat on that rocket.
And with Hazel's schizo behavior I'm actually tempted.
Babe, do you think I made a mistake
staying home all those years?
I walked away from my career so I could raise good kids
but if they're all going to be monsters, what was the point?
- Dottie's not awful. - Just dim.
- I'm sorry, am I boring you
recounting my sacrifices to raise your spawn?
- No, honey, I just have a really big day tomorrow.
- Oh right, your Dad's Committee Night Out.
Well, you've gotta be fresh for Zombie Laser Tag.
[energetic rock music]
- Hey, Andy. Just checking to see
how that analysis is coming.
- Pretty good.
I should have it to you in time for Wednesday.
- About that, the presentation got moved up.
- Oh great. Up to when?
- Tomorrow. - That's down.
- No. You're thinking about pushed back.
- You mean pushed up? Or moved down?
- Neither way, it's tomorrow.
- I'll do my best, but this is a lot to go through.
- Daryl got his done in ten hours,
so your best should be at most that.
- Hey, Daryl, sorry to interrupt.
- No worries. What can I do for ya?
- I'm trying to get through the Machlis analysis
but it's slow going.
- You want me to take a look?
- Actually, I'm such a pen and paper guy,
is there some kind of new app or efficiency software-
- Yeah, it's called Riterall.
- Can you send me a link?
- Sure, it's just stimulants now dot com slash
how hard do you want to focus?
- Oh, what does that do?
- It makes you you, but better.
- Oh jeez. Um, no. I appreciate it,
but I think I'm gonna stick to the old fashioned way.
- Let me know if you change your mind.
[upbeat music]
- Ladies. - Hi.
- Hi. Thank you so much for coming!
I really needed you
since we're in the final phase of dogfooding.
- Are we the dogs or the food in this gerund?
- That's Silicon Valley speak for testing the products
on ourselves before the semi-hard launch.
- Slap a collar on me and scoop my poop,
I'll be a dog for a day.
- Me too. I've always been jealous of those rabbits
that get to try face creams first.
- Great. I've set up the crème de la crme
for my besties from another testes.
You're doing the Heaven and Hades for skin and metabolism.
The electro-shockingly smooth cellulite treatment
and I'm deciding between the Fire'd Up Facial or the Vampire.
- Fire'd up?
- We set your face on fire to draw out impurities
and reveal a layer of virgin cells.
- I'm gonna go Vampire.
- Amazecocks.
Saskia, let's start with a shot of corfo.
- It tastes like fish tank.
- It is so good for you all right?
It's the closest thing to drinking human blood.
Now let's get started.
You are going to be so glowy afterwards.
- We begin today as my family began each day
on safari in India, with our ujjayi, our ocean breath.
[chanting]
Brooke: Namaste.
The practice of pranayam saved me
from the atrocious behavior of the children...and Candace.
- I'm loving this color story, Brooke.
- You are glowing like
a gold plated bidet at Mar-a-Lago.
- Meeting the women of ProvideHer was a gift
from Ganesha... that's their Oprah.
My family and I had the honor of attending the funeral
of Head Dye Master Angali's brother.
And as I watched the family wash and dress
the bloated cadaver in glorious gem tones
and gold accoutrements,
it came to me.
Von Weber is branching out into tabletop.
- The top is my favorite part of the table.
- Right?! And that's not all.
Linens, Home Decor.
I'm turning Von Weber into... an empire.
I'm calling it, "Luxury" period.
"Reincarnated" period.
[Bollywood-style music]
- So, how do you feel?
- Like I'm an undergrad again,
selling my plasma for beer money.
I was picturing something a little more massage-y.
- Yeah, I want cucumber water
and where are you hiding hte dick-top facials?
- Guys, it's a medspa.
You gotta endure a little pain for big results.
- Oh, what is this for?
- It emits small lasers into the vagina,
creating tiny abrasions that then heal and tighten.
- [mimics Yoda] Oooooo, tightness you seek?
- Help me Obi Wan Kenobi,
you're my only hope of penetration.
- Guys! Guys! Guys! That's $185,000 machine.
Try to be adults today.
- [mimics Yoda] Do or do not. There is no try.
- Come on. Thank you.
- [mimics Yoda] Bye.
[phone rings]
- This is Andy.
- [woman on phone] Hi, I'm calling about
your Laser Tag event tonight.
- Hey! Hope you're ready for us.
We are fired up.
- Due to a major power outage, we need to cancel.
- What?! It took sixty-three reply all emails
to plan this event!
I can't start from scratch with six hours to go.
- [woman on phone] Other than a full refund
there's nothing we can do.
- Shit!
Hey Daryl. Sorry, me again.
So, this Riterall, it really helps you get things done?
- Man, it's like there's five of you.
- How much would I take?
- All right. 30 milligrams should get you going.
- Any side effects?
- Well, you may experience headaches, hair loss,
blurred vision, swelling of the face, lips, throat
or tongue, addiction, diarrhea and or constipation.
As long as you hydrate you'll be fine.
- Okay, let's do this. - All right.
No heart problems, right? - What?!
- Just kiddin'. Here you go.
[suspenseful tones]
[phones ringing]
Andy: I had no laser tag,
but I was laser focused.
Pinot.
[keyboard clicks]
Nailed it.
[whistling]
- What is that atrocious noise?
- I'm just whistling while I still can.
You can't whistle in space
because there's low air pressure.
Fun space fact.
- Are you seeking employment as an
astronaut or one of the seven dwarves?
- You know, I find out today whether or not
I get accepted into the next round.
- What if you don't?
Lex, you're my only son with any real earning potential,
so I pulled some strings and I got you this incredible int-
- I appreciate that, Mom, but I'm going to Mars,
one way or another if I have to rent a spaceship
and drive up there myself.
- Don't you think this whole astronaut thing
is really childish? Come on.
- If by childish you mean I'm pursuing every boy's
dream of being Neil Armstrong, then yes.
- Well, every girl my age dreamed of being
Elizabeth Taylor, but not everyone has our bone structure.
- Was she an astronaut, too?
- You know, when I was a supple ingenue of seventeen,
I was buying some semi-sheer nylons
and I was approached by a talent scout from RKO.
He regaled me with tales of being in the movies.
So I pulled on my stockings
and I raced home to see my mother.
And mother explained simply,
that it was not a suitable career
for one with of our pedigree.
[upbeat music]
Call that man.
- Did you know they can't use ballpoint pens in space
because there's no gravity there.
- Vanessa, I'm dying!
- I can't hear you.
I've sweated out my eardrums!
I need to go to my happy place.
- Stay with me!
- Netflix and chill. Netflix and chill.
- No, Netflix and Jill!
- And time. Next treatment.
- This is worse!
- Friends don't freeze friends!
- I knew he wasn't over freshman year
when we saw Soundgarden without him!
- Only 96 more seconds and you will be burning calories
like a Kenyan marathon runner.
- Netflix and warmth. Netflix and warmth.
- Remember when you were a second year
and skipped Law Prom to cram case law on
copyright infringement?
Allen v Escott established precedent of
"innocent infringement."
But didn't relieve them of liability.
Whether intentional or not, we're dealing with a tort here.
Andy: I was Super Andy.
[keyboard clicks]
- How's it coming, Andy?
- Here ya go, Naz.
I also translated it into German for our oversees investors.
- We don't have any overseas investors.
- I made some calls.
- Incredible. Thank you.
Andy: There was no stopping me.
Highest Tetris score ever!
- Sixty degrees is the magic angle and you're gonna hold this
for twenty minutes.
Oh, hey guys!
- Hey Oliver! Thank you so much for everything.
We just have to go and do busy stuff.
- Honestly, I could not imagine being exposed
to any more treatments. I'd probably die.
- Of appreciation, of course.
But we're gonna catch you later.
- What a shame.
You guys made it through all that
and you're going to leave with the same tired face.
- Listen, we love what you're doing here,
and I did notice my dermis is tighter than Mike Pence's anus,
but we just got- - After the Vampire.
- Okay, but I've made peace with the fact that
I am Wrinkle-stiltskin.
- Before.
- We'll do it. - We'll do it.
- Okay.
Vanessa: Considering the name,
that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Jill: Yeah, we're gonna be glowing Edward Cullen style.
CGI fireflies everywhere.
- Well?
- I thought I was supposed to look like a vampire,
not mauled by one!
- You'll be thanking me soon enough.
- When? ER patients want a friendly face,
not a sriracha spill.
- First you scab and then you peel,
and if you're consistent with the cream I gave you,
you'll be zygotes by Labor Day.
- I have to take Hazel to her Doubles Dance tonight.
How can I do that if my face looks like it has its period?
- On the heaviest day of flow!
- Jill, how are you?
- I'm death warmed over and frozen again.
What are the chances I can ask you a mega favor?
- Technically it depends on the favor as I have
thirty minutes to get to lower Madison
to approve the hors d'oeuvres,
leaving me 15 minutes of travel time except
the barometric pressure suggests a 30 percent
chance of rain which would slow me down by 90 seconds.
- Whoa, Rainman.
What happened to Zombie Tag?
- I had to pivot to pinot.
What do you need?
- I'm supposed to chaperone Hazel to her dance
and I look like Hannibal Lecter
after an all-you- can-eat buffet.
- Sorry, honey. No problem.
I will handle it.
- Thank you and if you can't figure it out
I can try to call that face transplant doctor.
Hopefully I won't look like John Travolta.
- Honey, it's handled.
- I owe you with every remaining pore in my being.
And I'll sneak in late so I don't scar the kids for life.
[lively rock music]
- Well hello to you too, my little Hazelnut.
- Hey.
- "Hey" is for mall rats.
What's the face about?
- I hate this dress.
I look ugly.
- Well it wouldn't have been my first choice either,
but with my DNA coursing through your veins
you could never be ugly...
despite your mother's contribution.
- She made me get it.
- Your mother dresses like a sad doll
in someone's attic.
What did you have in mind?
Saucy. And Bloomies is on the way.
Hazel, how do you feel?
- I love it!
Thank you so much.
- Have fun!
I'll be waiting.
Driver: She's gonna be pulling that thing up all night.
- That's what I'm counting on.
- [deep-voiced chanting]
- [chanting]
- What are you doing here?
- I am here to celebrate.
I have Vindaloo.
I have Tikka Masala.
I have- - No naan!
- I have champagne.
- What are we celebrating?
- You have conquered India.
And now, I'm one step closer
to putting the von Weber flag on Mars.
I qualified for the next round.
- So this means-
- Just one month to prepare
for the written and physical exams.
- An innovator's wife and She-E-O of an empire.
Am I the white Beyoncé or is she the black me?
- If I might take this opportunity to curry your favor.
- Not in front of Ganesha. [laughing]
- The key to building the perfect charcuterie is
juxtaposing textures.
You take a hard salami with a soft pâté-
- That's what she said.
- More of the Cabernet?
- This Cab is so earthy and I can taste the maple,
which is strange because that region hasn't see maple trees
since the drought of aught 5.
- Impressive. Where did you study?
- I did a project in fifth grade for Arbor Day.
It's all just coming back to me.
[groans]
- You have headache.
I have cure.
- I should switch to white.
You are so right.
[groans]
- You okay, Andy?
- Care to taste some French wine?
- Go, enjoy.
- Well. How was the dance?
- My friends and I had fun,
but I think I got blisters on my feet
from dancing too much.
- Today kitten heels, tomorrow stilettos.
From here on out you're a slave to fashion.
How did your new frock suit you on the dance floor?
- It was okay.
Maybe this was, like, a special occasion?
I see. Well what do you say we keep that dress safe for you
at my place until you're ready to wear it?
- Cool. Thanks, Candace.
- You know what I'm craving right now is a frozen hot
chocolate from Serendipity.
Mind indulging me on the way home?
- I mean, if I have to.
- And you can slip in the bathroom
and put this on so we don't get busted.
[distorted laughing]
- [distorted voice] Best Dad's night ever!
- Have you eaten today, Andy?
You need some herring?
- I think I just need to lie down.
- [distorted voice] You gotta check out
the effervescent room.
The effervescent room.
- I'm just gonna go.
- You look like how my throat feels.
- I'm sorry. Long day of no pain no gain.
- Oh boy, do I understand that.
- I just need to run this culture, so go home,
get some rest and I'll follow up.
- You are a God send.
I send you special thank you of wine. Yes?
- Yes, I wish all my patients paid me in wine.
It's where most of my salary goes anyway.
Feel better.
- You too.
- Is it that bad?
[hiccup]
- Oh no, he's been like this for 36 hours?
Looks like an acute attack of Intractable Singultus.
I think I have the cure,
it's a bit unconventional, do you mind?
- [hiccup]
- [growls]
[hospital monitors beeping]
- My work here is done.
- [moaning] Who's there?
- Oh Andy. It's just me.
- Oh God, I'm hallucinating!
- Ollie assures me I'm gonna look like myself
in only seven weeks.
What happened to you?
Was Dads Gone Wild a flop?
- No, no. Evidently it was a big success
but I couldn't enjoy it
'cause I was crashing so hard from the Riterall.
- You took drugs? Why?
- Why did you do that to your face?
- Stupidly trying to recapture my uth.
- Ugh, what a day.
- Seriously.
[cell phone beeps]
- What does Vanessa have to say?
- It's Brooke. She "needs to talk."
Why does she always text me that right before bed?
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
- That makes two of us.
[groans]
Voiceover: For more Odd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com.