1 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:04,872 * Light's camera action 2 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,042 * My girl's got Von Weber 3 00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,244 * Your girl she could do it better * 4 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,380 * My girl's got Von Weber 5 00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:15,049 * And they hatin' on my mad cheddar * 6 00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,318 * My girl's got Von Weber 7 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,252 - Turn that racket down! 8 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,287 I'm trying to work. 9 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,156 It sounds like there's a DJ spinning it in here. 10 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,524 - [screaming] It's not that loud, Jill. 11 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,525 - [screaming] Mom, do you even 12 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,328 understand how cool it is that my last name 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,529 is in a rap song? 14 00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,065 - Aunt Brooke's bags are in a rap song 15 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:32,666 and you are a Weber not a von. 16 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:36,104 - Not yet. 17 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:38,106 - Bye! Ha! 18 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:39,407 - You know why grandparents and grandkids 19 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,508 get along so well? 20 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:41,342 - Why? 21 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,677 - Because we have a common enemy. 22 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:47,415 [theme music] * Hey yes you know 23 00:00:47,448 --> 00:00:51,152 * I'm feeling fine I'm feeling fine * 24 00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,287 - She leaves out her erotica. 25 00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,389 I find a trail of stray ostrich feathers 26 00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,325 from her negligées. 27 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,559 There are pills everywhere. 28 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,561 It's like a prescription Lucky Charms spill: 29 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:01,362 [in Leprechaun accent] Yellow moons, 30 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,131 green clovers, blue rhomboids. 31 00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,064 - Are you surprised? 32 00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:07,268 Her monogram is one letter off from CVS. 33 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:09,670 - She literally does not leave my house. 34 00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:12,306 She's found a way to fulfill all her needs 35 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:13,874 without leaving my couch. 36 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,409 - I aspire to that. 37 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:16,710 - The only thing I'm living for is 38 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:18,546 the two hours of quiet when she schleps 39 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,182 to Hell's Kitchen for her private tango lesson 40 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,350 with Ernesto. 41 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,318 - And tonight's dinner with Ollie! 42 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,253 I'm thinking fondue. 43 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,621 - Yes! I'll drown my sorrows in gruyere. 44 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:30,124 - His longevity spa is really taking off. 45 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:30,991 - You mean Uth? 46 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,460 - You know it's pronounced "youth". 47 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,495 - But it's spelled U-T-H. 48 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,897 Even with the umlaut it's "uth" to me. 49 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,466 - More like, "uch". 50 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,901 I want to be supportive, but I refuse to believe 51 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,603 that electroshock to my cellulite 52 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,738 will give me the thass of a 25 year old. 53 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:45,539 - I don't know. 54 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,608 I've read his chromo-so-much-better 55 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,743 facial does wonders. 56 00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,579 - You know that's fancy for baby dick-tops? 57 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,780 - What?! 58 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:56,217 - Yeah, Ollie pays hospitals for infant circumcision flaps. 59 00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,918 Then he sends them to a lab in Long Island City 60 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,420 that extracts the proteins 61 00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:00,388 and makes them into a serum. 62 00:02:00,421 --> 00:02:01,455 [gags] 63 00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,491 If dabbing foreskin on your face is so effective, 64 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,193 then why didn't you have 65 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:05,926 a better complexion in college? 66 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:10,264 - Oh! Someone's feisty today! 67 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,633 Speaking of complexion. 68 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,202 - What's going on? 69 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,669 You never wear lipstick during the day. 70 00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:19,607 And, no offense, but you look really nice. 71 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,441 - You're gonna judge. 72 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,342 - Of course I am. 73 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,710 - Graham and I have gotten a bit rote 74 00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,279 in our FaceTimes, so we decided 75 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,281 to spice it up and have a date 76 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:28,616 in a nice restaurant. 77 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,518 - So wait, you're in the restaurant 78 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,221 and he's Ed Snowden on an iPad? 79 00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,588 - I knew I shouldn't have told you. 80 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:37,391 - No, it's a Modern Love column in the making. 81 00:02:37,425 --> 00:02:39,693 Not a good one, but it'll get printed. 82 00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:43,531 - Since Dot the Rapper's "Mad Cheddar" 83 00:02:43,564 --> 00:02:45,766 was the official song of summer, 84 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,201 it's time to get to work. 85 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,502 - I'm so ready for fall. 86 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,271 I had such bad swimmer's ear. 87 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:51,672 - I had tennis elbow! 88 00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,275 - I had spinner's labia. 89 00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,744 It's an old college injury. 90 00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,412 - Huh, first bit of business- 91 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,281 - Wait, are we all gonna wait on Stephanie or- 92 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,450 - In light of their financial situation, 93 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,418 her husband moved the family 94 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,220 to a kibbutz in Israel. 95 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:07,655 - I'm pretty sure they're in a five bedroom 96 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,291 in Scarsdale. - Same thing. 97 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,359 - And, and 98 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,560 [whispers] who's this? 99 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:14,395 - This is Parker Winchester. 100 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:15,629 She just moved into the Krevitt's 101 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,331 old townhouse on Fifth. 102 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,400 - Well, I don't usually buy discount, 103 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,668 but this was the only place on the market 104 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,303 with a full-size ballroom. 105 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,837 - Well, I'm-- - Pleased to make 106 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:24,738 your acquaintance. 107 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,375 - Anyway, in this continuing compromised 108 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,311 financial climate, indiscreet indulgence 109 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,446 seems tone deaf. 110 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,448 Von Weber needs to become synonymous 111 00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:37,385 with something other than consumption. 112 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,387 So, what is the opposite of "getting"? 113 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,322 - Wanting. 114 00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:45,025 - Giving. It's the currency of the South. 115 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,328 Well, that and passive aggression. 116 00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:49,863 - Giving. 117 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,465 - Brooke, excuse me. 118 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,634 Brooke, which one? 119 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,603 - Orange says criminal and I do not want you 120 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:56,737 going to Club Fed. 121 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,838 - Why? You're the hottest guest 122 00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,607 in town afterwards. 123 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,409 Cindy Adams' husband says, 124 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:04,512 "If you're indicted, you're invited." 125 00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:06,447 - Can you please give us the room? 126 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,484 Come here. 127 00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:12,420 - I haven't dreaded a meeting 128 00:04:12,453 --> 00:04:13,621 this much since the Dartmouth Disciplinary 129 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:14,888 Committee hearing. 130 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,325 - And look how that turned out. 131 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:20,361 - My family had to gift the campus a beach club, 132 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:23,497 complete with lazy river, so I didn't get expelled. 133 00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:26,800 - Oh. Well, don't you worry. 134 00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,570 You are Lex von Weber 135 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,705 and no matter what happens today 136 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,442 they can't take that away from you. 137 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,344 - Thanks, Brooke. 138 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,815 - Go get 'em! 139 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:48,722 - Would you like a drink or 140 00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:49,790 would you like to wait for your guest? 141 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,425 - Oh, uh, he's here- 142 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:53,827 - Is this like a Sixth Sense kinda thing? 143 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:57,365 - It's like a virtual date kinda thing. 144 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,733 - Hard to split the check that way, but, okay. 145 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,901 I've got a few specials today. 146 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,903 I've a ramp-stuffed chicken 147 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,905 braised to perfection, very fork-tender. 148 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:08,542 - Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom! 149 00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,678 - And a hand-caught smoked trout salad 150 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:13,881 atop a small-batch house-fried yam latke. 151 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,416 - Great, I'll have the- 152 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,485 - Couple questions. 153 00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:19,853 Is there dill in the trout salad? 154 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:20,921 - There is. 155 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:24,725 - Can it be made without? 156 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:25,726 - Sure. 157 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,496 - I'll have the pasta carbonara and a chiante. 158 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:30,498 Thanks. 159 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:31,699 Were you just screwing with me? 160 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:32,833 - No, I really wanted to hear more about 161 00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:36,537 the artisanal ketchup leather from Circle Jerk farms. 162 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,138 - This reminds me of when 163 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,474 we used to watch movies in simulcast. 164 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:43,711 - Aw, during our residencies. 165 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,913 I would imagine you wearing nothing 166 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,982 but one of my button downs and thigh highs. 167 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,117 - Good thing there was no FaceTime or 168 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,953 you would have seen the boner-killing reality of me 169 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,455 in sweats and a ratty tee. 170 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:55,856 [laughs] 171 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,525 - Hey, maybe later you could invite me up 172 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,394 and we could bump virtual uglies. 173 00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,496 - Hm, well let's see how dinner goes. 174 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:03,631 What are you having? 175 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,466 - For starters, I am having 176 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:09,737 a plant-based, hand-forged antidiarrheal. 177 00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:10,738 - Okay. 178 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,947 - The hunter green could be a bit more saturated 179 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:23,484 and the gold chord should pop more. 180 00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,553 The colors were right in one of the test prints 181 00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:28,622 and it was here this morning. 182 00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,858 It's in one of the groups. 183 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:34,428 Ugh, sorry. 184 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:42,002 [frustrated scream] 185 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:44,572 - Don't mind her, darling. 186 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,808 - Due to the colossal amount of money 187 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,778 you recklessly invested for clients at Hercules Capital, 188 00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,046 my office had no choice but to conduct a thorough 189 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,915 forensic accounting of your firm. 190 00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,884 - Ma'am. my client, Alexander von Weber, 191 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,819 was just as much of a victim- 192 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,521 - Let me finish, Bob. 193 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,522 We have been trying to determine if 194 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:04,658 these partners were accomplices of Krevitt, 195 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,927 or just spectacularly inept. 196 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,664 After our extensive review, 197 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,766 we concluded Hercules was guilty of... 198 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,470 profound negligence on account of 199 00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:19,473 total incompetence. 200 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,742 No charges will be filed, but both men 201 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:25,679 are hereby stripped of their SEC license 202 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,682 to invest in publicly traded equities for clients. 203 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:29,817 - What?! No! 204 00:07:29,850 --> 00:07:31,519 - But you just said you found no criminal activity! 205 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,686 - We can't in good conscience 206 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,522 let these men handle other people's money. 207 00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,823 - But this was all his fault. 208 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,090 He's the one who put everything 209 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:38,826 we had into Krevitt's fund! 210 00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:40,828 I didn't even know about it. 211 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,062 - Because you were too busy trying to 212 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,698 find yourself smoking peyote 213 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,066 with a dude dressed like an owl. 214 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,901 - I'm pretty sure that was a real owl. 215 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,737 - The complete dissolution of Hercules 216 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:52,773 will mean the immediate liquidation of assets 217 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:55,543 including the company ski lodge 218 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:58,612 complete with the company rescue St. Bernard 219 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,781 and company whiskey barrel. 220 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,716 - Oh this can't be happening. 221 00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:06,019 - Oh boo-hoo, now you'll just have to live off your wife. 222 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,022 - There are two kinds of people in this world, Wilson. 223 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:12,826 Wedgie givers, and wedgie receivers. 224 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,061 And you are the worst kind. 225 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,663 - What's that? 226 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,931 - Somebody who used to be a wedgie receiver 227 00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,868 but now is a wedgie giver. 228 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:22,870 - I don't need to listen to this shit. 229 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,005 - You're always the "wait up" guy. 230 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,608 In college it was, "Where's the party this weekend? 231 00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,809 Wait up! "Hey are you guys 232 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,311 skiing in Stadt this winter? Wait up!" 233 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,880 - You know, I got a plane to catch. 234 00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:33,881 I'm gonna go to Florida 235 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,650 to lay low for two years until I can reboot. 236 00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:38,018 - Florida, perfect! Tilt the country 237 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,788 and that's where all the bad eggs roll. 238 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:43,891 Prick-shaped state for a dickhole like you. 239 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,994 - Hey babe. 240 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:47,795 - Where have you been? 241 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,630 I've been texting you for an hour. 242 00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:50,631 - I was at Hazel's school for the 243 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,633 Father-Daughter Conflict Resolution Seminar. 244 00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,734 What's up? 245 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,969 - Well, first your mother trashed one of my prints 246 00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:58,939 by using it as a coaster for Bordello Yellow. 247 00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,641 Next I go into Hazel's room 248 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,943 and find one of her votives still burning! 249 00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,945 This place could've been Pompeii. 250 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,046 - What can we do, hon? 251 00:09:06,079 --> 00:09:08,348 She was wiped out by Ernie Krevitt. 252 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,017 - Well I'm sick of her hazardous candles 253 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,653 burning everywhere just because she wants to be 254 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,722 "bathed in a warm light". 255 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,089 Miles was doing his homework by lantern 256 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,091 like Laura Ingalls. 257 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:18,826 - She'll be out of the house 258 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,628 at four for her dance lesson. 259 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,763 Why don't you work at the library until then? 260 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,065 - [screaming] Because it's my house! 261 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,199 Candace: Keep it down, Jill. 262 00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,635 You're scaring Jeong. 263 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:33,741 [Candace giggling] 264 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,176 - Candace! It's quarter to four. 265 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,111 You're going to be late for dance. 266 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,280 - Oh no, no. I'm right on schedule. 267 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:43,183 In fact Ernesto and I were just warming up. 268 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:44,284 - What's he doing here? 269 00:09:44,317 --> 00:09:47,320 I specifically booked the lessons at the studio. 270 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,691 - But then you wouldn't be able to see my progress. 271 00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,126 If you're going out, be a dear would you 272 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,628 and pick me up a few things? 273 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,129 - Like opaque sleep attire? 274 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:59,066 - The only thing I sleep in is Chanel Number 5. 275 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,201 Though I could use better thread count sheets 276 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,036 in twin size and a vacuum. 277 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:06,373 - Why don't you just use mine? 278 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:09,710 - Why don't you? 279 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:13,046 - Okay, If I promise to get everything 280 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,314 that you're asking for, 281 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,216 can you find a ribbon of kindness 282 00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:18,318 in that Carrara marble heart of yours 283 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,353 to grant me 90 minutes alone 284 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,690 in my own apartment? 285 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,324 - I could. 286 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:32,700 Oh and throw in a little something for yourself. 287 00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:36,169 Like, maybe a tooth whitening kit. 288 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:46,379 [laughs] Love it. You're so fabulous. 289 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:50,250 - There, your necessities will be here within an hour. 290 00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,752 I am walking out the door now. 291 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:55,288 Watch me so you can see how that's done. 292 00:10:55,322 --> 00:11:00,127 [Tango music] 293 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,229 - Who has other ideas for how von Weber 294 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:05,032 can pay it forward? Yes Simone. 295 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:07,367 - My plastic surgeon does a one for one program. 296 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,468 For every nose job he does here, 297 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,771 he does one pro bono in Delaware. 298 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:14,074 - Noted. What else? 299 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,476 - We could offer manners classes to liberals! 300 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,212 Maybe their pleas would be heard 301 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,280 if ends with "please". 302 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,715 [phone rings] 303 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,483 - Ooh, Lex. Hello? 304 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:25,753 - It's over. I'm done. 305 00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,454 - What? What happened? 306 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,823 - Hercules is gone. 307 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:33,727 - No, only the "cules" is gone. 308 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,763 The "Her" is right here. 309 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:37,397 And I'm not going anywhere. 310 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:41,301 In fact, I'm going to lean into my role as provider. 311 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:42,435 - Thanks, Brookie. 312 00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,304 Guess I just needed to hear your- 313 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,440 Brooke? 314 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:49,509 - That's it! 315 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,780 Provider. Provider! 316 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:55,883 ProvideHer. 317 00:11:55,916 --> 00:12:00,287 Von Weber will be a ProvideHer. 318 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:05,225 Women don't need a hand out, they need a hand up. 319 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,260 Give an impoverished woman a bag 320 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:09,096 so they have a bag for a day, 321 00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,464 but teach that woman how to make a bag 322 00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:13,834 well she can eat forever. 323 00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,202 - That's actually called slave labor. 324 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,270 And I should know. 325 00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:17,905 - Where are there needy women? 326 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,907 - Uberpool? 327 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:23,510 - Exactly, but on a global level. 328 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:35,322 - Hello? Hello? 329 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:39,392 Anybody home? 330 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:49,369 * Amazing grace How sweet the sound * 331 00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:54,441 [humming] 332 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,177 Candace! What about our deal? 333 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,846 - I needed to unwind. 334 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,848 - But you're never wound! 335 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,316 - Please close the door behind you. 336 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:07,287 Oh, and your "Amazing Grace" was anything but. 337 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,863 [text message pings] 338 00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:22,335 - In my birth announcement 339 00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,537 I was wearing a Wharton onesie. 340 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,338 I had gold fish. 341 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:29,376 I named them Q1, Q2, Q3, and Q4. 342 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,478 And then when one of them died, 343 00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:34,414 I got another one and I named him "Bonus." 344 00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:39,920 - Oh, Lex, honey. I know it's emasculating 345 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:43,523 and not how traditional marriages succeed 346 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,525 but know that you have 347 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,527 the ever- expanding juggernaut 348 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,931 of my company to boost you aloft. 349 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:54,567 And the luxury of the two most important things, 350 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,204 time and space, huh? 351 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:59,039 Come on. Let's go, buddy. 352 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:02,509 [blows raspberry] - Time and space. 353 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:11,051 - I'm still mad at you, but this is a good start. 354 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,219 - It's actually for my mother. 355 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:16,523 - Oh great, Norman Bates. Mother is in the bath. Again. 356 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,326 - It's for this tactic that we learned with the dads' 357 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,294 committee to ensure a free-flowing conversation. 358 00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:24,464 The holder of the Peace Rose gets to speak. 359 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:25,665 And so I am going to talk- 360 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,367 - Jill, honey I need some- 361 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,070 Where are the other eleven? 362 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:34,241 - Mother, I wanted to say that I hear you, 363 00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,442 and I am here for you. 364 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:36,243 - Anderson, I- 365 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,310 - Ah ah ah! 366 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,511 I know you've fallen on hard times 367 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:39,947 with that lousy investment. 368 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,049 And we will help you for as long as you need, 369 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:44,051 because that's what family does. But- 370 00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:45,652 - Give me that and stop talking to me 371 00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,255 like I'm shaking a cup on the corner. 372 00:14:48,288 --> 00:14:50,490 Do you really think I'd be as stupid as your brother 373 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,960 to sock away all my duckets with Ernie Krevitt? 374 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,296 No! I was diversified and 375 00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:59,432 I only lost a fifth of my fortune. 376 00:14:59,466 --> 00:15:02,269 - What? 377 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:05,072 - Oh yeah well the truth is I had a sexual dalliance 378 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,974 with Ernie last summer and I need a place to lay low 379 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,508 until this blows over. 380 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,643 Page Six would have a field day with a 381 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,313 May-December romance like this. 382 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,415 - You mean Christmas-Boxing Day. 383 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,449 At best. 384 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:17,951 - So, I came to the place where I knew no one 385 00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:20,954 would come looking for me. 386 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:27,995 [shrieks] [energetic rock music] 387 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:29,329 [door slams] 388 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:34,901 - Ollie, you are a full-on fetus. 389 00:15:35,902 --> 00:15:38,271 I thought it was just an ancient profile picture 390 00:15:38,305 --> 00:15:40,107 but you actually look like this. 391 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,109 - Go on, feast your eyes. 392 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,143 - Isn't it insane? 393 00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,378 He looks exactly the same as when we graduated 394 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,347 minus the eyebrow piercing. 395 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,150 - I can't be launching med spas looking my age. 396 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:53,086 Ooh. I have swag for you. 397 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,156 - Woo-hoo! 398 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:59,459 - Oh they're awesome! Thank you. 399 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:00,260 Ow! 400 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,330 Jill, any monster-in- law updates? 401 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:04,364 - Ugh, I don't want to discuss it. 402 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,766 I've been looking forward to this meal all day 403 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,269 and I don't want to get indigestion before I eat. 404 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,138 - How long has she been living with you? 405 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,505 - Five hundred twenty-five thousand 406 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:13,706 six hundred migraines. 407 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,108 - Oh, Jilly. 408 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,376 - And she's not even broke! 409 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:17,244 I can't take it anymore! 410 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,279 She's always in my face, telling me 411 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,082 I dress like a Sicilian widow. 412 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:24,784 I am one step closer to being committed every hour. 413 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,753 - You need one of those Dr. Evil buttons. 414 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,788 Press it and she gets sucked down a chute. 415 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:29,522 - Great idea. 416 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,324 Can I Prime Now one of those? 417 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:33,193 - You could serve her a Chicago Waffle. 418 00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:34,127 - What's that? 419 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:36,163 - It's when you take a dump on the keyboard 420 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,432 of someone's laptop and then you shut the screen. 421 00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:40,567 - That's perfect. 422 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,135 I can blame it on Miles. 423 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,136 - Ew! Why do you even know that? 424 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,138 - One of the phlebotomists was dating two RNs 425 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,439 at the same time. 426 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,275 Two-timing a professional that comfortable with 427 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,443 bodily fluids is a dangerous game. 428 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:54,047 - Well, two girls one laptop aside, 429 00:16:54,081 --> 00:16:56,783 Candace doesn't even have a computer. 430 00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:58,451 - Since you can't change the fact that she's living with you, 431 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,320 why not change your attitude about it? 432 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,055 - Go back to LA if you're going to 433 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,323 bring that kind of mindfulness around here. 434 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,058 - I'm serious. There's this new high- 435 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:08,061 intensity meditation app called, Medi-8. 436 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,529 For people who want to achieve a higher state 437 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,298 of consciousness in under 10 minutes. 438 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,366 - No offense, but I am way past that 439 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,169 zen bullshit. I am going nuts! 440 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,338 She literally won't leave my house! 441 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,073 - You need to get her on jury duty. 442 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,074 - Yes. 443 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,342 - Now you're talking. 444 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,344 - We must know someone in the DA's office. 445 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,612 - We don't have to. 446 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,148 Apparently there's a 24 hour hotline 447 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,549 you can call to volunteer. 448 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,384 - Okay, that is genius. 449 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,819 Can you imagine? 450 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,355 Oooh bubbling cheese cauldron, yum! 451 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,423 [iPad rings] 452 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:39,226 - Jesus, doesn't he have cleft palettes to mend? 453 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:42,195 - Hey Babe, I just wanted to say 454 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,831 goodnight and that until tomorrow, 455 00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:46,833 I'm keeping you right in this pocket, 456 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:48,435 over my heart. 457 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:52,339 - Love you. Thanks for calling. 458 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,307 - Don't actually put your mouth on that thing. 459 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,177 Screens are dirtier than most public toilets. 460 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,411 - Yuck. Goodnight. 461 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:03,516 - You do know that "Her" is a cautionary tale, right? 462 00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:06,085 - Jill, let me live! 463 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:12,392 [heavy typing sound] 464 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,494 - Wow. You're really working hard over there. 465 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,829 - It's stuff for Hazel's school. 466 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,431 Doing the seating chart for our wedding was easier 467 00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:21,268 than locking in a date for Dads' Night Out. 468 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,636 - Wait...you're making all that thunderous 469 00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,872 clickity-clacking and it's not even for work? 470 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:30,610 [heavy typing sound continues] 471 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,146 - I mean it like there's lead in your fingertips. 472 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,581 When I type it's silent, 473 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,349 like a courtroom stenographer. 474 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,417 - I'm almost done. 475 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,585 Just another half-hour or so. 476 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:53,433 [meditation guide's voice] - Weightlessness. Love. 477 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:56,536 Acceptance. Let down the guard that 478 00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:00,707 constipates your soul and feel the chi flow through you- 479 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:03,176 - Oh Jesus Christ. 480 00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:05,678 I can't take this steaming pile of horse shit. 481 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:06,646 I'm getting snackage. 482 00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,485 - Dear Jacob, I hope sixth grade is going great so far. 483 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,887 Do the leaves change in Florida? 484 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:17,524 I'm trying to convince my mom 485 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:19,192 to let me get Instagram for Hanukkah. 486 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,593 I'll send you my account when I have it. 487 00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,463 - Perfect. Now if you want it to be 488 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,333 more personal, shall we seal it with a kiss? 489 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,201 [Hazel giggles] - Okay. 490 00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:30,970 - Put on my lipstick. 491 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:34,507 You got it? - Mm-hm. 492 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:35,475 - Now press your lips on the back, 493 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,244 but don't actually kiss it with pursed lips 494 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:39,612 or it'll look like psoriasis. 495 00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:43,383 Just press it once. 496 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,918 Let's see? 497 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:50,657 Lovely, he'll die. [giggles] 498 00:19:57,397 --> 00:20:00,333 [iPad rings] 499 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,634 - Couldn't stop thinking about me? 500 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,536 [moans of pleasure] 501 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:07,240 Graham: Oh yeah. That's- Woman: Graham! 502 00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:13,780 - Hazel, has anyone ever talked to you 503 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,016 about the birds and the bees? 504 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,985 - Yeah of course. My mom told me where 505 00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,787 babies come from ages ago. 506 00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,722 - Did she tell you where pleasure comes from? 507 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,023 - Huh? 508 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,358 - As I suspected, she focused more on the 509 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:28,027 peas and not the steak. 510 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:30,697 Your pleasure is the most important part of intimacy. 511 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:34,334 Not his, not hers, should your boat float left, 512 00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,435 but yours. 513 00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,404 - I don't know what you're talking about, Candace. 514 00:20:37,437 --> 00:20:39,272 - I'm talking about understanding 515 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:42,309 the botany of your feminine flower. 516 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,643 - What flower? 517 00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:45,011 - It's time for you to get acquainted with 518 00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:47,814 the different parts and functions of your vulva. 519 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:48,948 I'll teach you. 520 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:51,751 - Hello, this is Candace von Weber. 521 00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:54,887 I'd like to make a reservation for Jury Duty. 522 00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:05,898 - Oh no. Oh no, no, no. 523 00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,635 I FaceTimed Vanessa by accident. 524 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:11,338 [speaking Kurundi] Vanessa! 525 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,873 - I told you about her. 526 00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:18,945 [angrily speaking Kurundi] Vanessa! 527 00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:23,049 - Baby, don't be like that. 528 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:24,083 Voiceover: For more "Odd Mom Out" 529 00:21:24,116 --> 00:21:24,183 go to bravotv.com.