male announcer: Next is a Bravo original comedy.
[frenetic techno music]
- * You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *
* You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *
* You shake it, shake it, shake it *
- Slo-mo!
- Oh, yeah. - Go, Dottie.
all: Go, Dottie. Go, Dottie.
Go, Dottie.
[cheering]
- All right, now cheer for Daddy,
who's rockin' it at his new job.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. - Go, Daddy.
- Go, Daddy.
- Okay, Mommy's turn.
- Hold up. - Mommy!
- Hey, mama. Oh, mama.
Here we go. - Hazel, hat.
[all cheer]
- * I like it
- Mama's turn. Mama's turn.
- * Shake it for me
- * You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *
* You shake it, shake it, shake it for me *
[chair crashes]
- Mommy? - Mommy!
- [screams] My f---ing finger!
- Mommy. - Mommy, language!
[rock music]
- * Hey, yes, you know
* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *
- Since this is your third broken bone in two years,
I ordered a DEXA Scan, and I'm glad I did,
because the results confirmed my hunch.
- Which was?
- You have advanced osteopenia.
- Is that--am I gonna live?
- Yes, you'll live.
It just means that you have the bones of an 82-year-old.
- What? - Give or take a year.
- How is that possible? What did I do wrong?
- Often, it's purely hereditary,
but bone loss can be exacerbated
by lack of exercise,
excessive alcohol consumption,
coffee, cola,
alcohol.
- You said that already.
[scanner beeps]
- Did you find everything
you needed today?
- Uh, yeah.
Not in a global sense, but yeah.
- Do you have a club card?
- Oh, man, I do,
but not with me.
- That's okay. We can pull it up
with your phone number.
- Oh, great. 917...
Uh, 917.
Sorry.
It's 917...
What's wrong with me?
I know this.
What is my phone number?
- I know your phone number. Want me to tell you?
- No, don't.
I want to see how long it takes me to remember.
Do I have Alzheimer's?
- No. Remember at the movies, when I couldn't remember
what's-her-face's name, with the hair?
From that show we used to love?
- Oh, yeah. I love her.
What's her name again?
- I have no idea.
But you keep changing the subject.
- From what? I can't remember.
- Graham.
- Oh, yeah. It's fine.
We kissed for a second, and then I came back to my senses,
and now he's staying with a cousin.
- Okay, good riddance.
See ya never, Graham.
Sorry I'm talking like Cindy Brady.
I just put in a new Invisalign.
- Oh, I couldn't tell.
I forgot you and Hazel are doing that whole
mother-daughter teeth straightening thing.
You guys are so cute.
- Yeah, well, when your ten-year-old tells you
that you have "granny teeth,"
you have to take action.
- What is wrong with us?
Everyone's always saying things
like, "60 is the new 40."
- Oh, no. That's bullshit.
40 is the new 70.
- 70? Okay, you wish.
- Ooh, I like that bag.
- Yeah, I think it's a Von Weber.
- Oh, my God.
That's one of Brooke's bags?
- [stammers]
Sorry. - That's not funny.
I just liked something that Brooke designed.
It was like a blind taste test
that I failed.
- It's a cute bag.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
- No, if she's designing something that's actually good,
I can't make fun of her.
Her career is en fuego,
and I'm shooting doorman head shots for free.
- No, you just need to work on your hustle.
Have you ever pitched yourself to Brooke?
- Ugh, no.
First of all, you can't mix work and family.
That's inevitable disaster,
and second, she knows what I do.
She could've hired me if she wanted to.
- Well, you don't ask, you don't get.
You're 82.
What are you gonna do,
wait until you're 90
to get your career in gear?
- Ow.
Elder abuse.
- That was delicious, guys. Thanks again.
- Hello, Anderson.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- Hi.
I'm meeting Celia for our standing lunch date.
And who have we here?
- These are the wunderkinds I was telling you about:
Chad and Omar, from my new job.
- Yes. Charmed, I'm sure.
Is the rest of the company this handsome?
- [laughs] This is my mother,
Mrs. von Weber.
- Oh, so we have you to thank
for bringing Andy into the world.
[both laugh]
- Anderson, may I have a word?
- Sure, I'll see you guys back at the office.
- Nice meeting you.
- Yes.
How dare you embarrass me that way?
- What? What did I say?
- You know goddamn well what you said.
You introduced me as your mother.
- Are you not my mother?
- Must I spell everything out for you?
You are a middle-aged man now,
so think about how that impacts me.
- You?
- Yes.
You are so self-involved.
Until further notice,
I would prefer that you introduce me
as your dear friend.
- Your table is ready, Mrs. von Weber.
*
- So, wow, this is like a real wedding dress.
- But do you think it's solemn enough
for the occasion?
- Well, I mean, given that
it's just a vows renewal, I--
- "Just a vows renewal?"
- Jill, this is much more meaningful
than a wedding.
Lex and I have been to darker places
than you could ever understand.
- Anyway.
Shifting gears,
I just wanted to remind you
that I'm still pluggin' away
at ye old photography biz,
just in case, you know,
you...
- Yes?
- Well, I mean, no pressure, but if you ever need
a photographer for anything...
- Oh, you're asking me for a job.
Jill, I say this with love.
I believe mixing work and family
is never wise.
- Yeah, I have heard that said.
Sorry.
- Don't be sorry.
I just know so much more now,
and I want to share my wisdom with you.
Janice, how's it going in there?
- You tell me.
What do you think? - Oh, my God.
Beyond love.
Jill, this is my bridesmaids' dress.
Isn't it heaven?
- Yeah.
I mean, it might be
a little slinky for me.
- [laughing] Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is for the other girls.
They're by Amsale.
I have something much more age-appropriate for you.
Janice here definitely has the booty for it.
- Seriously, it runs in my family.
- Yeah.
- Well, that was easy.
- Yeah.
Isn't that color the best for her skin tone?
She's so Lupita Nyong'o.
- I don't see that.
- Tara, the gown.
Here is your matron of honor gown.
Bring it in.
Thank you.
- Holy shit.
- I know.
Gorgeous, right?
I thought if anyone can pull off a drapey sheath,
it's J-to-the-izzle.
- Is this also Amsale?
- Sweetie, no.
It's someone else.
And listen, about your career.
It may not feel this way,
but I'm doing you a favor
by not handing you a job.
You'll get there on your own, like I did,
and it'll feel so good.
Now go try on this dress.
*
inging] - Let me guess. You need a kidney.
- No, I'm just calling to say hi.
- You'd think when you divorce someone,
they might get the hint.
- Actually, I do want something from you.
- I knew it.
- I'd like to take you to dinner.
You know, just as a thank-you
for picking me up at the airport,
keeping me hydrated, all that stuff.
- So not necessary.
Think of it this way.
I could now teach a course
on yak polio protocol.
- Don't be difficult.
Just say yes.
[rock music]
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone"]
- 1-800-crypt-keeper.
How may I direct your call?
- Yes, hi, I'd like to be connected
to your Alzheimer's department?
Why did I divorce Graham again?
- Is this a trick question? I give up.
- I seriously can't remember,
and he's taking me out to dinner,
and I need to be armed.
I can't backslide again.
- Okay, you know I always liked Graham,
but you two were a disaster together.
For one thing, he was always rude to your mom--
- Well, she doesn't understand sarcasm.
- Also, he's a know-it-all.
- Yeah, but to be fair,
I should read international news
before skipping to the op-ed page.
- And Graham was never around.
He was always off saving the world.
- Is that it? Because at this point, the idea
of being married to someone
who's never around seems ideal. - No, there were
other things too. [buzzer sounds]
I can hear you getting sucked in.
Hi. Come on up.
And speaking of sucking,
I asked Brooke for a photo assignment,
and she told me
she doesn't mix work with family.
- Oh, you should know by now not to listen to me.
- It's okay.
Humiliation is my jet fuel.
[doorbell rings] Oh, I got to go.
My doorman's here. - Knock him dead.
*
- Okay, Carlton.
Give me a deep breath.
[exhales loudly]
- [exhales]
- Okay, perfect. Now--
[sings a scale]
- [sings a scale]
- Now a big laugh. [laughs]
- [laughing]
- Ah, there we go.
This is great.
There's the smile I was looking for.
There's a bubbly personality under that uniform.
[camera shutter clicks]
This is great.
Okay, I think we have plenty for the union.
- Aw, I was just starting to have fun.
- Really?
I mean, if you have a little extra time,
I'm trying to build up my portfolio.
We could do a few more that are, like, looser,
a little more "arty."
- Um...
[laughs]
- No, if not, no worries.
- Um...okay, sure.
Why not?
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay, great.
Let me just go get another lens.
I'll be right back.
Stand by.
- [chuckles]
- It'll just be a second.
Normally I like to use a medium lens
for a portrait.
Here we go.
*
This one will get me closer,
so we can capture every single...
*
Detail.
- Is--is this okay?
This is what you meant by "arty," right?
- Uh, sure.
*
- [humming]
- Hi, is there anything
I can help you with today?
- Yes, I was hoping you could help me
with some anti-aging products.
Moisturizers, lotions,
anything that promotes springy skin.
You know, shrinks pores,
erases broken blood vessels.
- Certainly.
If you'd like to sit down,
I'd be happy to give you
a personal consultation.
- I beg your pardon.
My face is as soft
as the inner thigh of a newborn.
It's my son that needs help.
He's approaching middle age
with no vanity, fear,
or regard for how it affects the rest of us.
- Believe it or not,
I see a lot of this.
- I find that strangely comforting.
- Terrific.
Smile, George.
Work it. W-E-R-Q.
Flash those baby blues.
And great.
Head shot, three-quarter,
profile.
That's a wrap, George.
- [stammering] Oh, is that it?
'Cause I heard you asked Carlton
to do all kinds of different shots.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah.
What's he got that I don't?
- Terrific, George.
Yes, awesome, George.
Secret!
Ooh.
Yes, Michael.
Hello, bellman. Dingdong.
Fragile.
Love those epaulets.
Give me the other epaulet.
And salute.
All right, Abe.
What's in the luggage?
Blow that whistle. Taxi!
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
There's my bags.
Make love to that lens.
Give it to me, Mark.
Yes.
Work it.
[jazzy music]
[people conversing quietly]
[rock music]
- You know, not to brag,
but these doorman photos are really good.
- That's great, honey.
Can I take this thing off now?
- No, your mother said--
- Ah!
"Dear friend."
- [laughs] Your "dear friend"
said that you have to wear Georgia Louise
for 20 minutes every day
if you want to look like an embryo.
[phone chiming]
Did Lex mention why they're so hell-bent
on taking us to dinner tonight? - Nope.
- I bet you Brooke just wants
to finish lecturing me
on how to be a career gal.
- And just because they're on their second honeymoon,
why do we have to eat dinner in the middle of the night?
This isn't Barthelona.
- It's 9:45.
It's not the middle of the night.
Let's get going. - [grunts]
[groans]
- Oh, babe, no.
Those jeans.
- What, no jeans at this place?
- Well, maybe jeans at this place,
but not dad jeans.
You look like a high school math teacher
let loose at a buffet at Mohegan Sun.
- I like these jeans.
They're comfortable!
- All right. Calm down.
- No, I won't calm down.
I am older than you.
I am older than Lex.
I'm older than my colleagues.
Some people might even think I'm older than my mother.
I don't care.
In fact, I am happier now
than I was in my 20s and my 30s.
And you know what else?
Brett Favre wears dad jeans.
[phone ringing "Bad to the Bone"]
- Please take them off.
Hi.
- I think I just remembered why I divorced Graham.
- Now that Lex and I are renewing our vows,
we want to bring some mystery and adventure
into our marriage.
- So we're eating dinner tonight
in complete darkness.
- Huh? - What?
- It's supposed to heighten
all other senses.
- Good for your palate
and your libido, allegedly. - Aww.
- My senses were already heightened
when I heard we were eating at 9:45.
- Yeah, we're pretty tired too.
Haven't been sleeping much lately, if you know what I mean.
- Yeah, we get it. We get it.
You're having lots of sex 'cause you're young.
That's what young people do. - Yeah.
- Hello, and welcome to Dinner in the Dark,
a sensory adventure.
We'll be putting on your masks and lining you up
as we review the dietary restrictions you sent us.
- Masks? Seriously?
No one asked us our dietary restrictions.
- Don't worry. We got you covered.
There's pretty much nothing you guys don't eat, right?
- Actually-- - Um.
- Great. Now, for Mrs. von Weber.
No dairy, no gluten, no meat, no oil,
no vinegar, no starch, no sugar.
Is that everything? - Sounds right.
- And for Mr. von Weber.
No soy, no bivalves,
no grapefruit, no dill,
no asparagus tips or bottoms-- just the middle--
and American broccoli only.
I assume that means no Chinese broccoli
or broccoli rabe? - You got it.
Lead me to my dinner.
*
- I am so, so sorry I'm late.
You have no idea the day I just had,
but it doesn't matter.
I should've called. I should've texted.
You can literally bite my entire head off.
I deserve it.
- It's okay.
- What? Why are you smiling?
It's freaking me out.
- It's fine, really.
Let's order.
- No, it's not fine.
What's going on? Don't you want to bawl me out?
- No, that's the beauty of not being married anymore.
I love the clarity I have right now.
- About what? About my lateness?
'Cause I know it's annoying, but it's--
it's not the reason we got divorced.
- Obviously, but...
you know.
You were always on time for work,
never missed a flight or surgery.
Then you'd come home, and you couldn't manage
to be on time to meet me.
Just saying.
- How about we get a bottle of wine?
Each.
- I'm not in the mood.
- Okay, I'm getting the feeling
that you want to just call it a night.
- No.
Actually, I think I'm in the mood
for a martini.
Dirty.
[tambourine rattling]
- I'm sorry, did someone
just take me to the Lilith Fair?
[tambourine rattling]
- We will engage all of your senses this evening,
not just with the food
but also with your environment. Enjoy.
[all snap fingers]
- No bread.
- How did she know there was bread?
- I'd like to propose a toast
to the love of my life,
Brooke. - Aww.
- In your eyes, the light, the heat.
In your eyes, I am complete.
Cheers. - Cheers.
- A little something I wrote... - Wow.
- Myself. - Incredible.
- Cheers. - Beautiful, honey.
- Here is your first course.
Enjoy.
- Mmm.
It's warm.
I would like to make my own toast.
- Oh, sorry, I have to take out my Invisalign.
Sorry, it's so gross.
[muffled] I usually do this in private,
but you guys can't see me, so who cares?
Anyway, continue.
- To Jill, who's been so determined
to jump-start her career.
[egg shaker sounding]
She even came to me--
she was nervous, I could tell--
to ask if Von Weber had any openings,
and I imparted to her my philosophy
about not mixing work and family.
- I heard it the first time.
- But as Joy Green would say--
[triangle rings]
"Every wise rule
has an even wiser exception,"
so I am offering you a job
to oversee Von Weber's Instagram account.
- Oh, well, that-- honey, that's a--
- What? - Yeah.
I want to help you find your joy, Jill.
I see you struggling, and it pains me.
- First of all, Brooke, I'm not "struggling."
I'm actually working on a project right now
that I'm very excited about.
- This better not be asparagus tip.
- Yes, so I'm gonna have to
respectfully decline your generous offer.
- Okay, well,
I was just trying to help.
I won't make that mistake again.
- That's definitely asparagus tip.
Gross.
- I just thought it could be fun.
- Really?
Look, Brooke, the reason that I'm passing
is honestly because of you.
- Yeah, I'm getting that feeling
loud and clear. - No, no, no.
That's not what I mean.
I'm saying, you decided
you were gonna be a designer,
and then you did it, and look at your company.
It's exploded.
- Yeah, I have had a meteoric rise.
- And I don't want to regret taking the safe route.
You never do, and I admire that.
- Please enjoy your next course.
- [stammering]
We're all set. Thanks.
- Jill, thank you.
You're reminding me:
I don't give myself enough credit.
- [exclaiming]
I taste a little something hairy in there.
That--mm-mm.
That's--I think that's dill.
Was dill not on my list?
Did the list just go out the window?
'Cause that was dill.
[gags]
- Whatever I'm eating,
it's delicious.
It's like a whole new sensation in my mouth.
What is this strange flavor
and texture? - [gagging]
- Should we be doing the Heimlich or something?
- No, I'm pretty sure if he can make a sound,
he can breathe.
Uh-oh.
- Lex? Lex?
Lex.
Okay, I'm taking my mask off.
My brother has eaten dill.
Turn the lights up, please.
He's choking!
- [choking]
- Ready?
- [grunts] I'm fine!
[clearing throat] I'm good.
- Was I just eating...
bread crumbs?
[vomiting]
- Oh, my God.
think I lost my Invisalign.
- Did you check the case?
- Yes, and my purse, and my pockets.
Oh, my God, what if I--
what if I ate it?
There was a chewy course.
There was a very chewy course.
It was calamari, right?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, my God.
I--I think I ate my Invisalign.
I'm gonna kill myself!
- Did you check your mouth?
[both laughing]
- Will you still love me
if I only have a fraction of my marbles?
- I will love you even after I have forgotten who you are.
- Well, just for that,
I'm taking 'em out again. - Oh.
- And you know what that means.
- Va, va, voom.
- But wait, there's more.
- Well, I don't need more.
[both sigh]
- Man. - I mean, really.
Does that count as break-up sex
if it's eleven years late?
- Sure, why not?
- [gasps]
917-555-0176.
Yes!
[upbeat rock music]
*
- What just happened?
- Long story. - Okay.
- I'm not getting any younger.
- Oh, hi, there.
I wanted to introduce you to my very sexy weighted vest
to battle my geriatric bones.
- Oho.
- And you want to hear something
that's really gonna turn you on?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's covered by insurance.
- Now, that's hot.
- And I have a present for you.
- [laughing]
Oh, God,
you weigh a ton.
- It's weight-bearing exercise for both of us.
- [laughing]
- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.com.
[seagulls calling] - Oh, dear.