- Next is a Bravo original comedy.
[pig grunting]
- Andy.
Not in the mood.
Stop--
[whimpers]
[groans]
[toy playing music]
- Hey, Mom!
- I'm hungry. - Where's Daddy?
Andy? Andy?
Hey. Wake up.
- Wh--what happened?
- I have no idea.
[rock music]
- * Hey, yes, you know
* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *
- We--we must have been robbed.
- This isn't ours.
- We must have robbed someone else.
- I feel like a rat is gnawing its way out of my skull.
[groans] How much did we drink?
- Like Keith Richards threw Hemingway a bachelor party.
- Just the two of us?
It's a miracle we're alive.
- Our friends helped.
- What friends?
[doorbell rings]
- I'll tidy up.
- Go Jill. Go Jill.
Go, go, go Jill.
[laughing]
How are you feeling this morning?
- Uh...not good.
- God, you and Andy are legends.
I mean, you guys were still going hard when we crashed.
- Right. When was that?
- Uh, 4:00 a.m.
Right around the time you guys started
crank-calling the White House.
It was off the chain.
Can I just tell you something?
Talking with you last night was like medicine.
I have girlfriends of 20 years I don't connect with like that.
Do you think that we could keep some of that stuff between us?
You know, in particular,
the story I told you about me and my IUD at the Met.
So embarrassing.
- That won't be a problem. - Great.
Our brunch date is about to commence,
so I will see you over at our apartment--
4-G, in case you forgot.
- [sighs]
- Good morning, Boo.
- Too ethnic.
- Pumpkin?
- Too round.
- Brookie Bear.
- [giggles] That's more like it.
Oh, I missed this.
- Me too.
Listen, Brookie Bear,
about what happened, I just want to say--
- Shh. Let's not pick that scab.
- What did I do to deserve you?
- Wait!
We haven't made it official yet.
- Uh, I seem to remember making it official
2 1/2 times last night.
- No, official-official.
[camera clicks]
God, we're good-looking.
Let's see... #SoHappy.
#NeverMoreInLove.
- #PowerCouple. #LoveConquersAll.
- #WereBackBitches.
Post.
Oh, no.
Lex, the Wi-Fi must be down.
- Cell service too.
Don't move.
Hello, front desk?
Can you tell me what's going on
with the Wi-Fi and cell phone service?
We need to send an extremely important Instagram.
Down throughout the building?
Dear God.
We're completely cut off from the outside world.
- Carlton! Carlton, who's that?
- Oh, that was Mrs. Crisp. 12-C.
- Oh, yes.
The Lord finally put her out of her long misery.
- Yes, and us out of ours.
- Go on.
- Oh, nothing, ma'am. It's just...
when your husband's the guy who invented non-dairy creamer,
seems like at Christmas, you can afford to tip
more than a $20 Best Buy gift card.
- Oh, yes. Yes, her husband.
Oh, that poor man must be devastated right now.
Yes.
- Who was that woman,
and why are we going to her house for brunch?
- She definitely lives in the building.
I think she's married to that super tall, bald guy.
- The guy who looks like the animatronic Halloween butler?
No, no--he's married
to the freckly lady with the red braids.
Old Pippi Longstocking.
- I thought old Pippi was a widow.
Used to be married to Asian Al Roker.
- Wait, he died? Oh, no!
I loved Asian Al Roker. - Meredith.
Her name is Meredith. She's married to Brad.
- The kids weren't drunk.
- Okay, kids, this is important.
For reasons that you are too young to understand,
your mom and I can't remember
some things that happened last night.
- You were wasted? - Okay.
Where did you learn that word?
- Mom kept saying it over and over.
"I'm so wasted. I'm so wasted."
- As in I'm so tired.
Like, more tired than you guys have ever been.
- Which is why we need you to tell us
everything that happened last night.
- I brushed my teeth for two minutes
and didn't swallow any toothpaste.
- That's great, Miles, but that's not what we mean.
- Can I go to a new camp next summer?
- Kids! Focus! Last night!
- You ran out of wine, and you went to get more,
and when you came back, we had new best friends.
- God, I needed this.
No offense to that therapist,
but she ain't got nothin' on Dr. Cabernet.
- So what if Miles is a little pain in the ass?
What kid isn't?
If he were a little cuter, they'd call him precocious.
- Totally.
I was beginning to feel like we were a family of nutjobs.
Hey, let's make a pact-- at least for tonight,
we forget all about it.
- Deal.
[sighs]
Voila.
- Boo.
Open another. - That's our last bottle.
- What? Oh, no, no.
We're not going through a blizzard with no wine.
We've gotta get some; there's gotta be some in the building.
I'm going door to door.
- We are profoundly bad parents.
- Can Alice and Fanny sleep over again tonight?
- Who the hell are Alice and Fanny?
[phone ringing] The landline.
Hello?
- Hey, me again.
Also, could you guys bring some maple syrup?
Fanny says we're out, and believe me, she'd know.
She drinks it. All right, thanks.
- Guys, I think
- Whoo! - There they go.
- So, I mean, would I ever do that?
- Never. - Right.
It's like that thing you said about elephant seals.
- Mm. - That was so great.
- Oh! Vermont!
How fitting!
- We thought you'd appreciate that.
- Vermont. What a state. - Isn't it amazing?
All of us living in the same building for so long
and we never met? - It actually seems impossible.
- It's a shame. - Incredible.
- And to think that you and I were both going through
those miscarriages at the same time.
We could have gone through that together.
- Right.
Do you guys smell something?
There's--agh! Fire!
- Get the zapper. - I'm on it.
- [shrieking]
[whooshing]
Holy shit. - Owen.
Owen. - Owen!
- Come out from there.
[whooshing]
- Hand 'em over.
Now apologize to Jill.
- I'm sorry I lit you on fire.
- That's...okay.
- Go play.
I'm so sorry.
He only does that to people he likes,
for what it's worth.
I'm mortified.
- Hey, every kid's got something.
- Totally--we've had endless trouble with Miles this year.
- We know.
That therapist you were telling us about
sounds terrible.
- Yeah, don't take this the wrong way,
but Mere and I were just saying what a relief it was
to hear we weren't the only ones.
Sometimes, we feel like we're a family of crazies, you know?
- Yes. - You are not crazy.
And by the way, a six-year-old lighting matches?
Talk about fine motor skills.
- One way to look at it. [laughing]
- Can I just say, these waffles are ridic.
So good. - Thank you.
It's my mom's recipe.
The secret ingredient is I opened a box of Bisquick.
[laughter]
- Andy, we found people who actually chow
right in our building! - Yeah!
- Can we get together every weekend and eat our feelings?
- Yeah! - Yes, I'm so in!
I love eating my feelings.
- Mrs. Von Weber, What a lovely surprise.
- Oh, Timberly, you poor dear.
It's just awful. I can't believe she's gone.
- Were you and Eloise close?
- No, not at all.
But I do know what it's like
to be suddenly all alone in a triplex.
Might you care for some company?
Some...companionship?
- I must be the luckiest widower in the world.
- Thelma! Phoebe.
- Come, join the party.
[ice cubes rattling]
- Room service, please.
For the lady, a Pellegrino with a wedge of Meyer lemon.
- You remembered. - And for me--
I'm sorry, what?
I see. Bye, then.
- What happened?
- The snow--none of the workers can get in.
[scoffs] I thought they lived here.
Room service is unavailable, but we are--get this--
welcome to come get it ourselves.
- What does that even mean? - I don't know.
Take the elevator and push the big cart?
- This storm is turning into a living nightmare.
[sighs]
Nothing but simple carbs.
I'd rather starve than get fat. - Calm down!
Shit's getting real, but we'll get through this.
- Don't tell me to calm down!
I am never gonna get my Meyer lemon water.
- I'll figure something out, Brooke.
Have I ever let you down?
- [scoffs] I can think of one time.
- Okay, I thought were were letting go of the past
and taking ownership of what happened.
- Oh, so it was my fault! - That's not what I said.
But it didn't happen in a vacuum.
Don't do something you're gonna regret.
Brooke--
This isn't you, Brooke.
- [shuddery breath]
- Yeah, I mean, every morning, at least one of them is in tears
because Daddy's taking them to school and not me.
It's a stake through Andy's heart.
- I know, it's the same for Brad, and I just tell him,
"Don't worry, it's a phase." - Exactly.
But just once, I'd like one of them to say,
"I want Daddy to wipe me."
- I know, you know, but...
I secretly love being the favorite.
When Fanny was three, she was such a daddy's girl--
it was like they were lovers.
And I admit it-- I was jealous.
So I turned her against him.
- Sorry-- how?
- Little things at first,
like have him take her to get her shots
and accidentally tell him the wrong pick-up time,
and then I finally just said,
"Listen, honey, Daddy loves Owen more."
It took about a year.
- It's been rough, honestly.
At work, all you have is one person to worry about.
At home, I'm fourth or fifth on the list.
- So true; it's no fun
being out of work, even for a couple months.
- Well, I'm technically not out of work.
- Brad, honey, it's not a couple months, it's 6 1/2.
- Thank you for keeping such close track, dear.
Here's a wild idea: why don't you go back to work?
She used to be a copy editor, back in the day.
- I was, but I made the selfish choice
of staying home to raise our children, so my bad!
Forgive me!
At least I get out of my sweatpants
more than once a week.
This is, like,
the most dressed-up you will ever see him.
- Yeah, well, I don't know who she's dressing up for.
- Not you--I get more sexual energy off the fruit vendor.
- Well, good--why don't you let him hunker down
with your eight hours of night gas, then?
- I just have a question about that garlic spray.
Is that something you cook with?
- Oh. No. - No. No, no, no.
This is something you spray on your kid's scalps.
It's supposed to prevent lice. I think it's bullshit.
- Yeah, well, so is lice.
I mean, people act like it is just the most devastating
apocalypse on the planet.
I had a girlfriend who spent thousands of dollars
de-lousing her kids, fumigating her house,
throwing out the brushes and the hats and the blabbity-blah--
It's like, who cares? It's lice!
- [laughs]
- But your kids don't have lice now, right?
- No, they did-- well--
Fanny has eggs in her scalp.
She got sent home from school with, like, a neon-green note,
like she was radioactive.
- So what'd you-- what'd you do about it?
- Oh, you know, these things work themselves out.
Lice aren't killing people. - He's exaggerating.
We bought the shampoo and we're gonna use it.
We just haven't had a minute.
- Okay, um, look at the time!
We have totally overstayed our welcome.
Kids! - Kids!
- Kids! Thank you so much. - What about our bloody marys?
- Take that off. Take those off.
[all shouting] - Say thank you!
Thank you for having us. - Okay.
- We'll be in touch with you about the house!
- House?
- Okay, here we go.
"If you've come into contact with contaminated hair"--
Okay, kids, I want you to take off all your clothes
and chuck them in the dryer now!
- Here it is. The booking confirmation.
Winter cottage rental in Burlington, Vermont.
- Vermont! That's why the syrup!
- What have we done? We just met these people,
and we agreed to a three-month house-share?
- And she was wearing my socks.
What if I have body lice?
We have to break up with them.
- How? They live in the building.
- We'll move. - What?
- Sell the apartment and move far, far away.
It's the only way out of this!
- What if we tell them we just found out
your mother is coming to visit and we can't leave her alone?
- That's so dumb, it's insulting.
- We have to do something! We hooked up with nutjobs!
- I've done a lot of growing, you know.
- Me too. I've grown a ton.
- I've changed.
- I think I've changed more.
I'm a completely different person.
- Okay, fine. We've both evolved equally.
So what do we do about it?
- In my now-extensive business experience,
I've found it's beneficial
to set expectations in advance in writing.
- You want to draw up a contract?
- No. A vision board.
Let's put it all up here.
All our hopes, dreams,
prospective vacation destinations.
- Should you be drawing on the wall in Sharpie?
- I'll start.
My fondest wish for this relationship
is that you never betray my trust.
Or what remains of it.
- This is what I'm talking about.
If we're going to have a future together,
you have to find a way to forgive me.
- I have forgiven you.
And now all I ask is the right to lord it over you
for the rest of your life.
- I can't do this.
- Where are you going?
- For a walk in the snow.
It's gotta be warmer out there.
- [exhales angrily]
- Jesus, it's the Superdome in here.
- Hey, Vaness, we need your advice.
We had a one-night stand with this family
and we need to cut it off.
- What? - You've dumped tons of guys.
What do we do?
- Okay, has there been any contact since?
- Yes, and we traded clothes,
and we're doing a house-share with them.
- [laughs] Wow! You guys are easy.
How 'bout you say you're not ready for anything serious,
you'd rather stay friends.
- No, we need to kill this dead.
I never want to see these people again.
- And one more.
To our dear friend, Timberly.
- Really, Candace, haven't you quite had enough?
- If you can't keep up,
grab a couch like the other one, sister.
- What a treat this has been,
in the company of such elegant beauties.
- Yes, though it is funny.
Where I come from, we don't put on our big jewelry until 8:00.
- Oh, darling, whoever said this was my big jewelry?
Bottom's up.
[glass shatters]
And then there was Candace.
[doorbell rings]
- Hey! - Hey! Hi!
Us again. Um...so listen.
Jill and I have been talking about the Vermont house
and so want to do it, but the truth is--
is my back and skiing do not mix.
We're talking traction. - No worries!
That's why we sprung for the house with the hot tub.
- Well, also the traffic.
You know, Vermont sounds fun in theory,
but after five hours on the road...
- Don't worry, JetBlue just added
service to Burlington for 90 bucks.
You can't beat it. - It'll be cramped.
- Six bedrooms. - What if there's no snow?
- Then we'll hike! - Here's the thing, okay?
We moved too fast; we live too close.
We're afraid this won't end well.
- It's nothing personal.
- But lice is disguitious!
We've had it, it sucks, but it's not a pulled muscle
that just works itself out.
You have to deal with it!
- Oh. - Wow.
- We just thought you guys were cooler about things.
- Ding! Ding!
Oh, excuse me. I just received an email.
Oh, it's my mother. She's visiting this winter.
We can't go to Vermont anyway, so...
- Oh, yeah, too bad. I guess it's not gonna work out.
We'll see you around, yeah?
[door opens]
- Who is it?
I've got the activity binder, and I know how to use it!
Lex.
Thank God you're alive.
What is that? Some kind of non-Meyer lemon?
- I think they call it a...lemon.
- [chuckles]
You came through for me.
That's all that matters.
Everything else, we can work through or ignore.
- Wait, wait. Has there been a maid in here?
- No, I did it. All by myself.
See how much I've changed?
- Come here, you.
- Did you hear that?
- What? - A noise downstairs.
- [laughs] - I'll suss it out.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, you go suss it out.
[laughing]
Yeah, you suss out-- [gasps]
[moaning and panting]
- [snoring] - Timberly?
Timberly?
Oh, Jesus, God.
Oh...
Yeah, okay.
Oh, that's... mm-hmm, that's just fine.
[exhales]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, baby.
Oh, you just keep snoring, honey.
Just keep snoring away.
[gasps] Ooh, good boy.
- I think we've learned a valuable lesson.
- Don't talk to neighbors.
- I am never drinking again.
- Never.
Want some wine?
- Little bit.
- So babe, I've been thinking,
it may not be the worst thing in the world if you...
- I went back to work early?
I already emailed the board.
[both giggle]
- We miss you already.
[doorbell rings]
- [sighs] What do you want, Jill?
- Hi, sorry to bother you.
I just wanted to return your pig.
[pig grunts]
- Yeah, but that's not our pig.
- For more "Odd Mom Out," go to bravotv.com.
[seagull squawking] - Oh, dear.
- Left, right, left, right, left, right!