1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:02,136 - Next is a Bravo original comedy. 2 00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,307 - Yeah, I really liked her. 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:08,842 She gave me a great haircut. Not that Andy will notice. 4 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:10,478 He never notices that shit. - Listen, I have to 5 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,012 give you a heads-up on one thing before you come-- 6 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,381 - Listen, I'm just arriving home right now, 7 00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:15,783 so can I call you later? 8 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,785 When am I seeing you? 9 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:20,188 Oh, I guess right now. 10 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:22,123 - I'm so sorry for what's about to happen. 11 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,125 - Why? 12 00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,660 Hi. - Jill. 13 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,696 We need to talk to you. 14 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,898 - Worst words in the English language. 15 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,667 - * Hey, yes, you know 16 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:38,639 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 17 00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,508 - Jill, everyone here loves you. 18 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,411 But we need to speak with you about something difficult. 19 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:46,180 - [laughs] Oh, my God. Is this an intervention? 20 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,217 - Sort of. - I am not an alkie. 21 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,918 I just had three glasses of pinot noir 22 00:00:50,951 --> 00:00:53,154 at breakfast last week because the sitter canceled. 23 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,922 - Jill, honey, we don't think you're an alcoholic. 24 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,357 - Though now I'm a little worried. 25 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:59,026 - Oh, please, alcoholism was invented 26 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:01,495 in the 1980s to sell magazines, 27 00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:04,232 along with parenting and happiness. 28 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:07,568 - Jill, you need to learn how to drive. 29 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:10,138 - What? I'm a New Yorker. 30 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,605 "You don't have to drive." 31 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,407 It's like printed on our license plates. 32 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:17,145 - A true shedonist wouldn't let a man drive her, 33 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:20,148 unless she was wealthy enough to hire a man to drive for her, 34 00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:22,616 which is the very pinnacle of shedonism. 35 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,818 - Feminism. And Gloria Steinem 36 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,354 doesn't even know how to drive. 37 00:01:26,387 --> 00:01:27,988 - Jill, watch you language. There are children 38 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,957 in the next room. - See, the difference 39 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:32,593 between shedonism and the whole Gloria Steinem thing 40 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:35,196 is that shedonism isn't angry or man hating. 41 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:38,332 - Stop talking. I am here for Jill. 42 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:39,967 - This is ridiculous, okay? 43 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,702 When has my not knowing how to drive 44 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:44,638 ever been a problem for you? 45 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,707 Honey, why don't I take the kids to the beach? 46 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,510 And you can sleep all day after you drive us there. 47 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:52,313 Or you could just sleep in the car in the parking lot 48 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,782 so you can drive us home after. 49 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,185 Anyone want to go for ice cream? 50 00:01:57,218 --> 00:02:01,855 Can I take one of your drivers for ice cream? 51 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,090 Et tu, Brutus? 52 00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:06,194 - Honey, I know it hurts, but yes. 53 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:09,363 - Scenic route! Scenic route! 54 00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:11,699 Guys, I'm sorry if my not knowing how to drive 55 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:14,202 is annoying, but it's too late for me to learn. 56 00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,869 That ship has sailed. 57 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:18,038 - Jill, this is a safety issue for you and the kids. 58 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,307 I'm putting my foot down. 59 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:20,941 - You know what your problem is? 60 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,743 You're not working, so you're sitting around 61 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,745 all day, coming up with problems. 62 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,314 You've got Betty Draper syndrome. 63 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,449 - I am not Betty Draper. 64 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,884 - Well, I'm not getting in a car with some creepy stranger 65 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:32,920 who's gonna teach me how to drive. 66 00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:36,123 - Fine, you don't want a creepy stranger? 67 00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,226 Okay, first thing's first. 68 00:02:38,226 --> 00:02:42,062 You want to think of the steering wheel as a clock. 69 00:02:42,095 --> 00:02:46,300 Your starting position is ten and two. 70 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,735 - Okay, I changed my mind. 71 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,703 I do want a creepy stranger to teach me. 72 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,004 - Why? 73 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,574 - Because it's better if I hate a stranger. 74 00:02:53,607 --> 00:02:54,575 Trust me. 75 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,578 [rock music] 76 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,646 * 77 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,348 - It has come to my attention 78 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,651 that Alexander has yet to receive an invitation 79 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,253 to your store opening. 80 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,655 - It's my night. I don't want him there. 81 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,989 You know why. 82 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,758 - Roses again. 83 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,061 And, wow, a diamond necklace in platinum. 84 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:16,564 - [scoffs] Put them on the pile. 85 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,699 [sighs] And call Canard Catering, 86 00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,368 see if they can do the spicy tuna 87 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,570 without the black forbidden rice cake. 88 00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:23,837 - Oh, Brooke. 89 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:26,274 Did he have a dalliance? Yes. 90 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,775 But it's been six months. 91 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:29,510 You're sending the wrong message. 92 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,579 - The wrong message to whom? - Well there's a way 93 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,414 that these things are done in society, 94 00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:37,285 which you might not know about because you're from Connecticut. 95 00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:40,954 A two- or three-month separation for a one-time indiscretion. 96 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,924 A four- or five-month separation for a sustained affair. 97 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,960 But at this rate, people will think that he got 98 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,762 that Oriental pregnant or something 99 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,732 even more ridiculous, like you're filing for divorce. 100 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:55,303 [laughs] 101 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,137 - I can handle the messaging 102 00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:59,740 of my own husband's affair, Candace. 103 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:04,011 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. 104 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:10,017 - Fine, but just remember: Every Kate Spade needs a Jack. 105 00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,487 - Nikki? - Yes? 106 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,989 - I need to see Hollis. Stat. 107 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,159 - I just know he's gonna be rapey. 108 00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,128 - Relax, I got you the top-rated school, 109 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,563 and their top-rated driver, 110 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,064 and if you want, I'll stay in the car 111 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,098 for the first lesson. 112 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:28,669 Oh boy, he does look creepy. 113 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:31,171 That's a lot of tattoos. 114 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:35,242 - Hello, are you Jill? - Yes, hi, are you Jill? 115 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,578 - I think it'll work better if you're Jill and I'm Nico. 116 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,547 - [laughs] Right. - And I'm Andy. 117 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,014 - Oh. 118 00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,149 Shall we? 119 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,517 - I should stick around. 120 00:04:43,551 --> 00:04:46,654 - Oh, um, no, it's fine. Just go. 121 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,823 - Okay, well try and have fun. 122 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,091 Call if you need anything. 123 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,896 - Okay, tell me about your driving experience. 124 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,765 - I've seen the movie "Speed." 125 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,033 - Funny. So we'll be starting 126 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,935 from the beginning. - Ten and two, I know. 127 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,136 - Nah, that doesn't really matter. 128 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:04,472 Now you're gonna try and drive 129 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,007 around those cones without knocking any over. 130 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,443 - Say cones again. 131 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,112 - Cones. - [laughs] 132 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,147 - Okay, give it a try. 133 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,784 - Ooh, boy. Okay. 134 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:19,086 [whimsical music] 135 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,087 - Okay. 136 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,490 * 137 00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,526 Oh, no biggie. 138 00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:28,396 No, that's all right, Just, uh--okay. 139 00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:30,030 Ah! - Sorry, sorry. 140 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:32,265 - It's all right. Woop. 141 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,201 Uh, okay, stop. 142 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:37,104 These cones aren't cheap. - Sorry, I'm a total spaz. 143 00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,806 - [sighs] Maybe... 144 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,408 Maybe we should try a little music 145 00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:41,675 to calm you down. 146 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:44,311 [hard rock music plays on car stereo] 147 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:47,280 Unless this isn't your thing. - No, I love it. 148 00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:48,949 Crank it to 11! 149 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:51,985 [music gets louder] 150 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,489 - And all of the power gays 151 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:58,158 have RSVP'd yes, which is huge. 152 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,160 Gay word of mouth is nine times 153 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,195 more powerful than regular word of mouth. 154 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,932 - Oh, gays. What aren't they good at? 155 00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,701 Besides procreation. - So true. 156 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:10,438 I have interviews lined up for the day of opening 157 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:13,907 with elle.com and "Tall Tween." 158 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:17,144 The magazine for women who refuse to admit they're adults. 159 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:20,914 - Love. 100% on brand. - [laughs] 160 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,050 - But there is one part of the opening 161 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,786 I'm afraid could be way off brand. 162 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:29,457 - Let me guess. The estranged husband issue. 163 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,892 Listen, this is my bread and butter. 164 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:35,228 It's very simple. If he's not there, 165 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,164 people will assume you're divorcing, 166 00:06:37,197 --> 00:06:38,766 which is off brand. 167 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,935 If he is there, people will think you're a pushover. 168 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,004 Even more off brand. - [sighs] 169 00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:49,342 - As the Buddha said, you have to find the third path. 170 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:52,646 Or maybe that was Nixon. - But there are only two paths. 171 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,482 Either I invite him or I don't. 172 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:58,085 - Oh, doll, there are so many more. 173 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,655 [hard rock music plays on car stereo] 174 00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,524 - I can't believe this is your band. 175 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,826 It's like Alice in Chains meets Mother Love Bone 176 00:07:05,859 --> 00:07:07,695 meets Animal from "The Muppet Show." 177 00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,196 - I'm touched. 178 00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:11,098 I never expected one of my Upper East Siders 179 00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:13,767 to be a legit rocker. - To my core. 180 00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,402 Okay, I wanted to walk down the aisle 181 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,738 to "Welcome to the Jungle," but Andy wouldn't let me. 182 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:22,876 - Okay, so to wrap up for today, you have killer music taste 183 00:07:22,910 --> 00:07:25,412 but you're the worst driver I've ever had. 184 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,114 - [laughs] - I mean, and I taught a guy 185 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,583 who had a grand mal seizure on the West Side Highway. 186 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,219 - Oh, my God. I drive like a seizure victim? 187 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:34,287 - No. Worse. I mean, at least 188 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,389 he was involuntarily pumping the brakes. 189 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,025 - Oh, my God. - But I'll get you there. 190 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,193 Which means we're gonna have to spend a lot of time together. 191 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,930 - If we must. 192 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,365 [car stereo clicks on] - * I'm falling for you 193 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:48,101 * 194 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,770 [Indigo Girls' "Closer to Fine" playing] 195 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,939 - * I'm crawling on your shores * 196 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:56,577 - * I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains * 197 00:07:56,610 --> 00:08:01,549 * I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains * 198 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,951 * There's more than one answer to the-- * 199 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,318 Hey! 200 00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,187 How'd it go? - Great. 201 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:09,557 Good. I mean, fine. 202 00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:11,892 - So would you be willing to go back? 203 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,861 - Um, yeah. 204 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,963 Sure. I mean, if it makes you happy. 205 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,632 - Yes. - Um, so... 206 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,735 there's a Soundgarden concert next week at The Beacon. 207 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:23,136 Do you want to go? 208 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:26,006 - Maybe. 209 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,675 Probably not. - [sighs] 210 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,910 We used to go to shows all the time. 211 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,378 - Well we also used to not have three kids 212 00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,080 that got up every day at 6:00 a.m. 213 00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,583 - [scoffs] You never let me do anything fun. 214 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,950 Never! 215 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:41,822 - Jill. [door slams] 216 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,825 [muffled hard rock music plays] 217 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:46,594 * 218 00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:49,396 [stereo clicks on] * I went to the doctor 219 00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:53,500 - So how are the driving lessons going? 220 00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:57,370 - Fun. I like my teacher. 221 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:58,906 Nico. 222 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:01,074 Is there any chance I could rock this? 223 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,176 - Well it depends. What's the occasion? 224 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:07,480 - Nothing, just bored of everything I have. 225 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,149 - Wait a minute. Go back. 226 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,618 Tell me about the driving teacher. 227 00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:13,320 - I don't know. Um, he's Australian, 228 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:16,323 plays in a rock band, sleeved in tats, 229 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,359 vague resemblance to Robb Stark from "Game of Thrones." 230 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,795 - You're whacking it to your driving instructor. 231 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,965 - First of all, I am too tired to whack it to anyone. 232 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,934 And second, I've been married for 12 years. 233 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,969 I'm entitled to a harmless crush. 234 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,639 Trust me, he would never be into me. 235 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,441 - Um, I think that's besides the point, right? 236 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:36,810 - Yes, and you know I would never cheat on Andy. 237 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,012 Ever. It's just, Nico is like 238 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:42,650 that bad boy rocker type I never banged. 239 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,151 Why didn't I do that? 240 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:46,787 - Because deep down in the core of your being 241 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:49,156 you prefer the smell of a pampered man. 242 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,124 - God damn it, I do! 243 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,326 Ugh, my B.O. sensitivity has kept me 244 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,796 from experiencing so much. 245 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:58,331 But Nico is 100% B.O.-free. 246 00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:01,168 - Okay then. Go crazy. 247 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,003 Throw it all away. 248 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,172 Run off with your driving teacher. 249 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,075 - Hey, this is what you get for ganging up on me 250 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,877 about not knowing how to drive. 251 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,679 Home wrecker. 252 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:15,515 - As I've explained already, 253 00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:18,551 the other option is to invite Lex 254 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,988 but not do any pictures with him. 255 00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:23,190 That is a move popularized by all 256 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,158 of Harvey Weinstein's ex-wives. 257 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:28,328 - But we're not divorced. I don't want to look cold. 258 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:32,199 - So you do one photo with him and the children. 259 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:35,703 It says, "We are co-parenting, but--" 260 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,270 - The children won't be there. 261 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,172 Children remind people of responsibility, 262 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:40,941 and that's not what we're selling. 263 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:44,544 - Okay, how about this? It's a classic. 264 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:48,248 Invite him to the party but not the after party. 265 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,685 It's clean, it says, "We're on speaking terms, 266 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,721 but we're not actually speaking." 267 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,555 - Mm, or does it say 268 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,891 I didn't want to invite him, but I need him. 269 00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:01,929 Because neediness is completely off brand. 270 00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:05,098 Ugh! Why doesn't anything feel right? 271 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,534 - [sighs] Oh, dear. 272 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,804 [upbeat rock music] 273 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,340 - Honestly, what more does she want from you? 274 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,843 Roses, jewelry. 275 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,645 $15 million worth of start-up financing. 276 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,380 - It takes a lot of roses to fix a heart 277 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,950 that's been A-bombed, Mom. 278 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,517 That's what I did. 279 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,653 I A-bombed her heart. 280 00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:29,289 [laughs] Stop, it tickles. 281 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:32,492 - Alexander, women are like horses. 282 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,328 If you're kind to them, they will buck you off 283 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:36,897 and trample you to death. 284 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,366 Now, you've got to show Brooke who's in charge. 285 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,034 And stop being so desperate. 286 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,069 [knock at door] 287 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,871 - It's Patty. 288 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:46,306 Excuse me, but Mrs. Von-Weber just sent over 289 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:49,376 an invitation to her opening. - Booyah, Mom! 290 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:51,812 - She's also sent instructions on how to enter 291 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,981 through the staff tent, a list of people 292 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,149 you're allowed to speak to, and talking points 293 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:58,819 for those conversations. 294 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,789 - Brooke isn't on the list of people I can talk to? 295 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:04,257 - [neighs] 296 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:07,027 Sounds like someone's being bucked. 297 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:12,800 * 298 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,468 - You know, back in my country, I was a doctor. 299 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:17,938 - Seriously? - No, I was a driving teacher. 300 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,007 - [laughs] - I could never be a doctor. 301 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,109 Sick people, needles, ick. 302 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,477 - So I'm guessing these are all temporary tattoos. 303 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,179 - [laughs] No, but I was terrified 304 00:12:26,213 --> 00:12:28,481 when I got my first one. - Well I've been fantasizing 305 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,183 about getting a tasteful little skull 306 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,452 right on my shoulder. - Okay, now we're talking. 307 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,087 How about after you pass your driving test 308 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,023 we celebrate with some new ink? 309 00:12:36,056 --> 00:12:38,125 - Do you do that with all your students? 310 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,626 You're gonna run out of skin. 311 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:42,830 - Most of my students need parental consent. 312 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:46,033 In your case I guess it'd be husband consent? 313 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:49,469 - [sighs] No, Andy would dismember me if I got another. 314 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,104 I'd be fish food. - Okay. 315 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,306 Then scratch that. 316 00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:54,641 - Actually, what am I saying? 317 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,476 Andy's not my dad. 318 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:57,544 I'm in. 319 00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,513 * 320 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,862 [screams] 321 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,168 - It's not that late. - It's been hours 322 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,137 since you two left. - I'm sorry. 323 00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,906 I just spilled coffee on Nico, 324 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:27,407 so I wanted to get him another one. 325 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,943 - You had coffee with your driving instructor? 326 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,879 - Yeah, what's the big deal? 327 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,981 I found out that his band needs a photographer 328 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,548 for their website and they might hire me. 329 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:38,285 - Oh, well that's convenient for everyone. 330 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,387 - Are you jealous? You never get jealous. 331 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,055 - What do you expect? The guy looks like 332 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:45,258 Colin Farrell. - No, he doesn't. 333 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,494 He's way hotter. - [sighs] 334 00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,396 - Sorry, that's not a useful point right now. 335 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,931 - You obviously have a crush on him. 336 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,632 - No, I don't. 337 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,167 And you have crushes all the time. 338 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,503 What about that florist from our wedding? 339 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,906 - Well that was different. She was very knowledgeable 340 00:13:58,906 --> 00:14:00,607 about horticulture. 341 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,642 Oh, you know what? I changed my mind. 342 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,977 You don't need to learn to drive. 343 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,712 - What? No, no, no, no, no. 344 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:09,049 I am getting my license and you can't stop me. 345 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,051 Plus, I like driving now. 346 00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,619 - Fine. - Fine! 347 00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,488 * 348 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,924 [door slams] 349 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,225 - Look at you. It's like you've been 350 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,692 driving your whole life. 351 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,194 I'm so proud of you. 352 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,931 - Thank you. I love driving! 353 00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,433 And I love being able to blare my music. 354 00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:30,003 It totally helps me to concentrate. 355 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,338 [both scream] [tires screech] 356 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,941 [loud crash] - Oh! 357 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:35,708 - Aw, oh. - [whimpering] 358 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,745 - Oh. Ah. 359 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,948 Aw. - Oh. 360 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,083 - * I own that, baby that's a fact * 361 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,252 * 'Cause he'll never do it like me * 362 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,619 - Natasha! 363 00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:47,955 Muah, muah. 364 00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:49,556 Thank you for coming. 365 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:52,960 You must meet J'neece. You will love her. 366 00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:56,596 - And then, like, a hundred lobsters, scallops, and shrimp 367 00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:59,366 had a trey-splosion all over my windshield. 368 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,134 It was was "Silence of the Clams." 369 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:04,137 I looked into a lobster's eyes as he died. 370 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:05,772 - That's a lot of mollusks. 371 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:08,341 - It was a full-on Molocaust. 372 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,343 - So what happened exactly? 373 00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:11,478 - Um... 374 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:15,182 [romantic music] 375 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,851 - I'm whacking it to you, Jill. 376 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,553 [tires screech] 377 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,056 - Well, I can't really remember, but, um, 378 00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:25,658 I think the clinical term is traumatic memory loss, 379 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,460 right, Vaness? - Mm-hmm, sure. 380 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:30,397 - Why didn't "Nico" just use his brake? 381 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,232 - Um, honey, first of all, you don't need 382 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,402 to do finger quotes, 'cause that's actually his name. 383 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,905 And secondly, we were talking and it happened really fast. 384 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:41,708 - Ah, uh-huh. Uh-huh. 385 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:44,077 Well I guess after the test tomorrow, 386 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:47,647 no more Nico. 387 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:52,019 - After tomorrow, no more Nico. 388 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,187 - Big night. 389 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:57,090 So proud of you. 390 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:58,525 Hey, I--you know, I think somebody 391 00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,427 forgot my VIP bracelet. 392 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,329 I just want to go say hey to Carmelo Anthony. 393 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:04,597 - Didn't you see the materials I sent over? 394 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,334 We didn't forget. 395 00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:10,337 [upbeat pop music] 396 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,404 * 397 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:12,572 - Brooke! 398 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:15,408 - Oh... 399 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:17,910 Candace, you're here. 400 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,180 Can you pretend to talk to me? 401 00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,748 It's the divorce divas. 402 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,316 They've been trying to suck me into 403 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,318 their single girl circle for weeks. 404 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:26,953 It's like being caught in a whirlpool 405 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:29,056 of vodka and desperation. 406 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:31,624 - What did I say about sending the wrong message? 407 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,862 - Brooke! 408 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,797 The place looks incredible. 409 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,966 You have to come to Cabo with us for New Year's. 410 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,769 - Oh, totally. It is a divorced girls' 411 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,671 wet dream. - You can sexually harass 412 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,140 the help in Mexico in a way you just can't here. 413 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,276 - Ah, thanks, 414 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,545 but Lex and I are just on a trial separation. 415 00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,148 In fact, Lex? 416 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,484 Photos. 417 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,885 No? He didn't see me. 418 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:01,088 He's nearsighted. Or farsighted, 419 00:17:01,088 --> 00:17:03,090 whichever makes sense. 420 00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,724 Honey, can I-- 421 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,393 Like, right now. 422 00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:13,233 - I'm sorry, but no. 423 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:15,202 I'm done here. 424 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:18,971 Tell Carmelo, I'll see him at the meditation center. 425 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,473 - [scoffs] 426 00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:30,950 Anyway, this bag is made from one crocodile. 427 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:33,753 - Wow. - Wow. 428 00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:36,756 [rock music] 429 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,125 * 430 00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,859 - I really don't think I can do this. 431 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:42,962 I smashed into a van yesterday and killed many lobsters. 432 00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:44,597 - They were gonna die anyway. 433 00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,433 - Well I don't feel comfortable playing God. 434 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:49,502 - Listen, none of my students have ever failed. 435 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:52,004 Not a single one. - [sighs] 436 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,940 - Relax, have fun, 437 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,676 and focus on what kind of skull you're gonna get later. 438 00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:58,845 - [laughs] 439 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,180 Oh, Munchkins. Mind if I-- 440 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,981 - Oh, sorry. Those aren't for you. 441 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:03,883 - Oh. - Oh, we're up. 442 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:04,917 - [sighs] 443 00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,857 - Elna. 444 00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,925 - Nice to see you, Nico. 445 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:19,699 - Hi. - [clears throat] I'm Elna. 446 00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,601 I'll be your examiner today. 447 00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,570 - Hi, I'm Jill. Oh, I see you're 448 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,405 a Tweety Bird fan, that's so cute. 449 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:28,007 - It's not Tweety Bird, and I don't like to get touched. 450 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,909 Start the car, please, ma'am. 451 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,911 - [exhales] - There you go. 452 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,946 Nice and easy. 453 00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:40,920 [tires screech] 454 00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:45,192 - [sighs] - So... 455 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,694 To recap, I drove over a median, 456 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:50,763 I backed over a flamingo lawn ornament, 457 00:18:50,797 --> 00:18:54,701 and I guess that car's owner will contact me about this. 458 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,436 I'll see you in, what, three to four weeks? 459 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,904 - Oh, no, you passed. 460 00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:00,473 - Wait, what? There's no way. 461 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:04,977 - Oh, they're my weakness. Toodleoo. 462 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,015 [no audible dialogue] 463 00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,218 Jeez. [laughs] 464 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:13,220 - See you Wednesday. - You got it. 465 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,989 - This was a setup! 466 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,226 It--it's a bribe! You're in cahoots? 467 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:20,627 - Shh, what are you talking about? 468 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,029 You passed with flying colors, A-plus! 469 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,965 - You can't let me drive. I'm a menace to society, 470 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,535 and shellfish, and probably a lot of other things. 471 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,969 - Sweetheart, relax, just get back in the-- 472 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,371 - Don't call me sweetheart. 473 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:32,972 [in Australian accent] You're a fake and a phony 474 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:36,309 and I wish I'd never laid eyes on you! 475 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,345 - Whatever. - [normal voice] And to think 476 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,547 I almost got a tasteful skull with you. 477 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,014 [engine turns over] I hope you enjoy 478 00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:44,150 your delicious fried doughnut balls! 479 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:47,420 I hope they fill the hole where your integrity used to be! 480 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:50,723 Australia is colonized by criminals! 481 00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:53,726 [somber music] 482 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,428 [cheering on TV] [buzzer] 483 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:57,497 [phone vibrates] 484 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:58,865 - Hey, hon, how'd it go? 485 00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:01,033 - You're a good man. I love you 486 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:03,069 and I'm so glad I'm married to you. 487 00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:06,072 - Oh, honey, I'm sorry. That's okay. 488 00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:08,107 A lot of people fail their first time. 489 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:11,411 - No, I passed, but I am never going to drive. 490 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,380 Everything is a hoax. 491 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,382 - [laughs] Well I don't know what you're talking about, 492 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,584 sweetie, but I love you too. 493 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:21,621 - Can you come pick me up in Coney Island? 494 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:23,155 - What? 495 00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,134 - Hi, there. - Oh, hello. 496 00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:36,636 - Hi, can I help you with something? 497 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,137 - Uh, yes, please, could you tell me how much 498 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,539 this suede bag is? 499 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:43,610 - Oh, this one is $2,900. 500 00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:45,745 - Oh, jeez, that's pretty pricey. 501 00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:47,714 - Mm-hmm. - How is it for stains? 502 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,282 Good? - Good. 503 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,217 - My gosh, I like the white one, too, 504 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,453 'cause sometimes I wear white jeans, you know? 505 00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,922 But I wear a lot of denim, so I like the blue. 506 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:57,924 I'll tell you what, I'm gonna get both of them. 507 00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,059 - Oh, oh, all right. - Cash all right? 508 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,661 - Sure. 509 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:08,901 - Oh. There you go. 510 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:11,338 And a little something extra for you, Felipe. 511 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,373 - Oh, you--that's not my name. - Tell you what, 512 00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:16,743 I don't need a bag, it'll just weigh me down. 513 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:19,512 All right. You have a good day. 514 00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:23,350 - Have a--have a good day. 515 00:21:23,350 --> 00:21:26,353 - For more "Odd Mom Out," go to Bravotv.com. 516 00:21:26,386 --> 00:21:28,355 [seagull squawking] - Oh, dear. 517 00:21:30,357 --> 00:21:31,958 - Left, right, left, right, left, right!