1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:02,803 - Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,440 - Last season on "Odd Mom Out"... 3 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,376 - This from Dottie. 4 00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:11,479 "My mommy loves tattoos, 5 00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:14,148 "underwear dance parties, 6 00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,484 and bad words." 7 00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:20,020 - Oh, shit. 8 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:22,956 [rock music] 9 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:24,858 It's my sister-in-law. I can't escape her. 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,827 - Just promise me you will not turn 11 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,729 into one of those freaky mom-bots. 12 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,898 [water splatters] - Oh, shit. 13 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,066 [groaning] - One more push. 14 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,701 - I can't do it! - Yes, you can! 15 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,169 You are an Olympian! 16 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,804 [baby cries] - Jill... 17 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:40,074 from now on, we have to stick together. 18 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:43,043 - You are wasting your life at that white-shoe law firm. 19 00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:44,378 You should come work for Hercules. 20 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,679 - Lex-- - What the-- 21 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,248 - Oh! - Lex is cheating on Brooke 22 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:48,282 with his assistant Ella. 23 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,417 - [gasps] 24 00:00:49,450 --> 00:00:50,584 - Did you say something? 25 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,720 - Next time, keep it in your pants. 26 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,922 I quit. all: [gasp] 27 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,924 - I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, 28 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,426 but you manipulated me 29 00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:00,928 the way you manipulate everyone to get your way. 30 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,163 - [grunts] - [yelps] 31 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,164 all: [gasp] 32 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,198 - [exhales sharply] 33 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,636 - It is so funny to bump into you here. 34 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,304 - I know. I can't believe it. 35 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:13,574 - So how was your summer? - Not good. 36 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,043 We did a gut job on the house on Gin Lane, 37 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:17,611 but it wasn't ready in time. 38 00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:20,281 So we had to stay in a $50,000 rental next door, 39 00:01:20,314 --> 00:01:22,750 but now my contractor isn't speaking to my architect 40 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,318 who isn't speaking to my decorator. 41 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,487 It's like civil war. 42 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,522 - Ooh, I think I found one. 43 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,995 Holy Neptune's nutsack! 44 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,030 Oh, my God, steamrollered boobage. 45 00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,499 I can't look at it! 46 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,469 Oh, my God, has anyone's nipple ever exploded? 47 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,671 No, wait, don't tell me. No, tell me. 48 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:44,705 No, don't. Don't. 49 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,006 Are my cans gonna be 50 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:47,375 smashed beaver tails after this, 51 00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,809 or do they go back to melons? 52 00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,178 - Ma'am it's very important that 53 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:53,447 you don't move or talk or breathe. 54 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,283 - Sorry, bad habit. 55 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,619 [machine whirs] Oh, mercy. 56 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,455 Mercy mine. 57 00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:04,358 If guys had to shove their nutsack on this thing 58 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:06,527 and turn 'em into silver dollar pancakes, 59 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,629 they'd find a better way, am I right? 60 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:11,699 - Mm-hmm. Time for the other side now. 61 00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,901 - What? Is that really necessary? 62 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,603 I have to do the other one? 63 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,037 [quietly] Oh, my God. 64 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,105 * 65 00:02:18,206 --> 00:02:20,808 - * Hey, yes, you know 66 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:23,777 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 67 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,547 - Oh, look, it's my boobs. 68 00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:28,216 - To healthy cans. - [chuckles] 69 00:02:28,216 --> 00:02:31,652 And with my family history, that's no small feat. 70 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:34,588 [tense music] 71 00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:35,956 Oh, my God, sorry, 72 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,991 I keep thinking I'm seeing Brooke. 73 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,228 I have loved this break from her. 74 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:41,595 Why does it have to end? 75 00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:43,264 - School starts tomorrow, right? 76 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,966 Relax, the woman doused you in fruit punch. 77 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,535 I mean, what else can she do? 78 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:49,470 - She could throw one of her handbags at me. 79 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,138 - Oh, my God, is she still making those? 80 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,973 Come on. - She keeps posting pictures 81 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,243 of her trunk shows in the Cramptons. 82 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,945 Her friends are actually paying for her original designs. 83 00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,480 - Ah, too good. 84 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,682 Here's what you're gonna do next time you see her. 85 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:02,950 - I already told you. 86 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,385 I can't call her the gold medalist 87 00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,819 in the Asshole Olympics. 88 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,821 Andy's making me take the high road. 89 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,324 - Fine, but I went to this empowerment workshop 90 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,326 the other day for female physicians-- 91 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,128 - Aka doctors without penises. - Exactly. 92 00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:18,098 And it's all about power-posing to command respect. 93 00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:21,569 You've gotta take up an obnoxious amount of space. 94 00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,404 Like this... 95 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,038 - Okay, thanks, Linda Carter. 96 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:27,040 - Or even better, this... 97 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:30,378 Key is to communicate dominance. 98 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,745 - Can you sit down? 99 00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,781 Your dominance is starting to freak me out. 100 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,683 - Oh, and you can do it at the magazine. 101 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,418 Aren't you meeting with your old assistant today? 102 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,887 - Yes, but she's senior photo editor now. 103 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,922 It's gonna be so weird to be back there. 104 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,924 So many skeletons. - Literally. 105 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,293 You were, like, the fat chick there. 106 00:03:45,293 --> 00:03:47,060 - [laughs] And, of course, 107 00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:49,397 Trixie's still in charge, sucking up people's souls 108 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,131 like a DustBuster, 109 00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:53,567 but I guess I have to "network" 110 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,703 if I want to jump start my career. 111 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:58,539 - Well, it's "about time." 112 00:03:58,572 --> 00:03:59,973 [car horn honks] 113 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:07,448 - * Let the river run * 114 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:13,987 * Let all the dreamers wake the nation * 115 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,324 [horns honking] 116 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,826 - Daddy, are you unemployed? 117 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:22,330 - No, Miles, I am on what is called a sabbatical, 118 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,832 which means we get to do a bunch of fun stuff, 119 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,234 and then I start my new job in January. 120 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:31,705 But today, we are gonna go to the zoo, the boat pond, 121 00:04:31,739 --> 00:04:34,642 then we're gonna water taxi over to Red Hook. 122 00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:38,011 - But are we ever seeing Uncle Lex again? 123 00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,848 - What? Um, of course. 124 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:43,884 Sure, yeah. Actually, you know what? 125 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,153 Uncle Lex's new place is right by the subway. 126 00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:49,156 Why don't we stop there first and cheer him up? 127 00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,824 - Oh, my God, the lamp. 128 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,493 I can't believe you still have that. 129 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:55,529 - Oh, and I risked everything smuggling it in here. 130 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,831 There is an actual tchotchke limit now, 131 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,767 but you gave it to me 132 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,569 and you're still my favorite boss. 133 00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:04,372 - Oh, Kate, that means so much to me. 134 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:07,675 This stay-at-home mom thing has gotten so old. 135 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,477 - Yeah, but at least you got off the hamster wheel 136 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,144 long enough to get a personal life. 137 00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:14,515 - Oh, I'm--I'm so grateful for my kids, of course-- 138 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:17,385 - Oh, I meant your husband. - Oh, him too. 139 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,119 I'm not complaining. I'm just-- 140 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,120 - Don't listen to me. 141 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,589 I am just so fried 142 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:22,623 after fashion week. 143 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:23,691 There have been so many layoffs, 144 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,158 morale is in the shitter. 145 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,094 - I've been hearing. - Don't worry. 146 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,862 We are still hiring photographers, 147 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,297 and I'm about to sit down with Trixie, 148 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,766 so if you're serious, 149 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,402 I'll get her to rubberstamp a few gigs 150 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,569 I think you'd be perfect for. 151 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:36,970 - Really? Like, now? 152 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,506 - Totally. 153 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,641 Take my ID, go to the caf, 154 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,710 put anything you want on it, and be greedy. 155 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,912 When you get back, we'll get down do brass tacks. 156 00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,648 - Thank you. This is so exciting. 157 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:48,982 I worship thee! - Aww. 158 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,951 - Building a shrine. - Aww. 159 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:57,891 * 160 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:01,228 - The first von Weber line, "Palm Bitch," 161 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,731 was about embracing entitlement. 162 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:06,567 It took inspiration from Slim Aarons photographs, 163 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,470 toddlers in lederhosen, and attitude. 164 00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:13,974 As you know, our South Hampton trunk show sold out in one day. 165 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,709 - Obviously, you've touched on something. 166 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,445 - Mm, I have. 167 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:21,482 And my fall collection is all centered on one thing, 168 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,750 decadence. 169 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,586 - Decadence is the new excess. - It's trending. 170 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,887 - J'neece is in charge 171 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,789 of von Weber's urban markets. 172 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:30,691 Like so many cutting-edge corporations, 173 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,293 we've made diversity a top priority. 174 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,664 J'neece is our not-so-secret weapon. 175 00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:37,965 - Yes. 176 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,733 It's Janice. 177 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,069 - To me, decadence is 178 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,872 coming home after a black-tie affair, 179 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,540 kicking off your stilettos, 180 00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:49,910 unzipping your velvet dress by the fire, 181 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,913 and reminding yourself it was for charity. 182 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,715 You earned it. 183 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:55,716 - I like it. 184 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,686 It's feminine, yet muscular. 185 00:06:58,719 --> 00:07:01,489 As you know, Trixie, men have always 186 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:02,923 been seeking pleasure 187 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,958 at all costs. 188 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,761 It's our turn. 189 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:11,164 * 190 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,165 - I'm giddy! 191 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,400 It went so well, 192 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,503 I didn't even need the power-poses, 193 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,038 and Andy's having a great day with the kids. 194 00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,507 - That's amazing. 195 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:23,844 [tense music] 196 00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,279 - Ugh, freaking Brooke-a-likes everywhere. 197 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:27,848 - Brooke wouldn't be downtown. 198 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,217 She gets nosebleeds south of 57th Street. 199 00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,318 - You're so right. 200 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:33,053 Vaness, no more shooting 201 00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,888 toddler birthday parties. 202 00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:37,891 * I'm going back to the newsstands * 203 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,126 - Yes, Weber! 204 00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,228 Yay! 205 00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:43,897 - Listen, Miles, if you pull your pants down one more time 206 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:44,898 we are going home. 207 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,233 - Mini-Webs! 208 00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,735 - Uncle Lex! - Hi! 209 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,036 - Hey, what'd you guys do, 210 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:50,971 take Miracle Grow over the summer, huh? 211 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,407 Hey, there's a deluxe Foosball over there. 212 00:07:54,441 --> 00:07:56,844 - No, me first! - Go check it out. 213 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,712 [both shouting] 214 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,548 So... good to see you, man. 215 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:03,951 - Yeah. That's new. 216 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,018 Mom seen that? 217 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,620 - Yeah, she hates it. 218 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,156 She'll never understand what I've been through. 219 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:10,958 From the moment I got to Man Camp, 220 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,693 things just started to shift for me. 221 00:08:12,726 --> 00:08:14,127 - Right, sure. 222 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,196 - By the time I got to Burning Man, 223 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,331 I was just open. 224 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:20,568 - Yeah, no, you touched on that in your email diaries, right. 225 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:21,569 - So, are we good? 226 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:22,970 Because I'm happy 227 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,572 to hash things out with you again. 228 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:26,740 Unpack. - No, no, not necessary. 229 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:29,577 We're--it's all--I'm just glad you're hanging in there. 230 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,212 Found a nice place to live. - Better than nice, dude. 231 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,981 Bunch of my YPO buddies are here. 232 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,583 My old boss from Goldman, 233 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,885 the guy who invented Uber for hot tubs. 234 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,352 - [chuckles] - They're all between marriages. 235 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,254 Hey, we should hit up the golf simulator. 236 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:44,424 Throw the kids in the rec room. Fully staffed 24/7. 237 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,826 - I wish; This is my last full day 238 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,860 with the kids. 239 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:47,928 We got a lot planned. 240 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:49,362 I'm just glad you're doing okay. 241 00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:50,430 I was worried. 242 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,499 - No need. I'm fine. 243 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,269 - Miles keeps picking his nose and wiping his boogies on us! 244 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:59,006 - Okay. See ya. 245 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,207 - Daddy, come and look at me. 246 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,341 - Get off of me or I swear to God... 247 00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:03,076 - Have fun. 248 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,778 - Hello. 249 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,848 [rock music] 250 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,250 - This is declined. - Seriously? 251 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,419 That's weird. That's okay, I have cash. 252 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,822 - We don't take cash. - You don't take cash? 253 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,523 Who doesn't take cash? 254 00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:19,927 Um, can I do an IOU? Personal check? 255 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:20,961 Bitcoin? 256 00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,797 - No, way! Jill Kaplan. 257 00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:27,467 - Amy. - No way. 258 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,103 - It's for my kids. 259 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,504 - Oh, no, no, no, no. Elizabeth left. 260 00:09:31,538 --> 00:09:32,873 She went to Harper's Bazaar, 261 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,542 and Trixie literally kicked her in the cooter 262 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,877 when she found out. 263 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,812 And now there's a whole lawsuit pending, 264 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,113 so I can't say much. 265 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,649 - How does Elizabeth still have a job? 266 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:42,816 - I don't know. 267 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,785 - Well, look who's back from the dead. 268 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,353 - Richard! How are you? 269 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,021 - Oh, that dress is gor-gina. 270 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:50,691 - Oh, my God, Man-orexia. - Oh, what about Aims here? 271 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,559 - Me? Richard, you're my birth weight. 272 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,795 - You make Amal Clooney look like she needs gastric bypass. 273 00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,096 - You're Karen Carpenter. 274 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,564 - Karen Carpenter climbed out of her coffin, 275 00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:58,766 looked at you and was so jealous 276 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,500 she popped a laxative and crawled back in. 277 00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,970 - I'm obsessed with you. Are you not obsessed? 278 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:03,971 - Obsessed. 279 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,205 That day that Trixie 280 00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,640 threw a stapler at my head, 281 00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,141 he still managed to make me laugh. 282 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:09,576 - But you got out. 283 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,144 I'm in therapy three times a week. 284 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,213 - Well, actually, I might be doing some work 285 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:14,848 for the magazine again. 286 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,084 Kate's hooking me up with some freelance gigs. 287 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,653 - Kate Cooper? 288 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,689 When did you meet with her? - Just now. 289 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,523 She's the one who lent me her meal card. 290 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,659 Why? - Oh, no reason. 291 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:28,996 Okay, I've gotta yell at Fiona for taking my J. Mendel samples. 292 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,163 - And I totally have to go with you. 293 00:10:30,197 --> 00:10:31,498 It was really good seeing you, Jill. 294 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,400 - Oh--oh, thanks for the snacks. 295 00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:34,601 - [mouthing] 296 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:39,539 * 297 00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,775 - Are you sure it's okay, to leave 'em in the kids' lounge? 298 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,744 - Yeah, it's kid heaven. 299 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,412 Everybody wins. 300 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,114 What? Were they being little shits? 301 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,248 - [exhales] 302 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,083 I just need about a half hour to decompress. 303 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,551 - That's not enough time. 304 00:10:51,584 --> 00:10:54,121 I just booked an 80 minute Thai-yoga massage. 305 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,556 You gotta join me. - I better not. 306 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,591 I--at the very least, I gotta get 'em to the zoo. 307 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:02,495 - Dude, you're shadowboxing against a dead guy. 308 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,733 Dad was never around emotionally or physically, 309 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,101 so now you're over-compensating. 310 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,937 Okay? 311 00:11:09,970 --> 00:11:11,638 So let's go get a massage. 312 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:13,841 - Oh, my God. 313 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,642 Kate, what's going on? 314 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:18,045 - I'm out. I got shit-canned. 315 00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,280 - No way. I am so sorry. 316 00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,615 It wasn't the lamp, was it? 317 00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:23,784 - [crying] No. 318 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,652 - Oh, God. Well, I-I should just-- 319 00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:28,155 - I gave this place my 20s, and my 30s. 320 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,058 I have no husband, no kids, no sex life. 321 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:33,560 I have GI problems round the clock. 322 00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:36,964 Diarrhea or constipation, nothing in between, 323 00:11:36,997 --> 00:11:38,766 and I'm losing my hair. 324 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,334 This. This isn't real. 325 00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:44,972 I have to clip it on every day. And for what? 326 00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,473 [grunts] 327 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:48,641 Oh, and I brought your name up, 328 00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,477 by the way, to Trixie... [scoffs and sniffles] 329 00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:52,079 You should have seen her face. 330 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,581 - Really? What kind of face? 331 00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:58,051 - Oh, my God, I just signed a lease on that apartment 332 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,353 that I could barely afford on this crappy salary. 333 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,989 [gasps] 334 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,225 - Look, well, you are a goddess to mention me to Trixie. 335 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,294 Um, should I-- like, is there anyone 336 00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:09,062 I should follow up with or... 337 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,164 - You know what, I am just so grateful 338 00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,100 that you came in today. 339 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,635 I could really use a drink right now. 340 00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:18,005 - Oh, sure. Okay. 341 00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,640 Let me just run to the bathroom and make a quick call. 342 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:23,076 My husband has the kids. - Okay. 343 00:12:23,110 --> 00:12:25,612 - Okay. 344 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:26,947 - [sobbing] 345 00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:30,450 - [screaming] - [moaning] 346 00:12:30,483 --> 00:12:31,952 [soft music] 347 00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,153 - Oh, yeah. 348 00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,858 [indistinct chatter and laughter] 349 00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:43,831 [rock music] 350 00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:51,638 * 351 00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:55,608 - High road, high road, high road. 352 00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:00,480 - Hi. 353 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,884 - Jill. 354 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,853 - Simone, you're blonder. 355 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,054 - Summer sun. [dog barks] 356 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,655 - And you have a dog. 357 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:11,591 - It's a therapy dog to help cure my narcissism. 358 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,060 I was diagnosed in June. 359 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,963 - Oh, well, I'm glad you're getting help. 360 00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,630 Hi, Stephanie. - Hi. 361 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,466 - And we haven't met yet. I'm Jill. 362 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,467 - Janice. 363 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,869 - J'neece is bringing 364 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:24,504 an urban perspective to my label. 365 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,339 We were just meeting with the fashion editors 366 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,374 about my new line. 367 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,741 It's very exciting. 368 00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:30,077 What brings you here? 369 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,945 - I used to work here, actually. 370 00:13:31,979 --> 00:13:34,747 An old friend is hiring me for some photo shoots. 371 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,884 I'm getting back in the game. 372 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,019 - Jill, I'm not even getting an exit interview. 373 00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,454 [sniffling] They just confiscated my ID. 374 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,156 - Um, can I meet you in the lobby? 375 00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:46,259 It'll just take a minute. - Okay. 376 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:47,660 [crying] 377 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,496 - Yikes. 378 00:13:49,529 --> 00:13:50,898 Guys, can you give us a minute? 379 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:52,332 - Sure thing. 380 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,503 - So, Brooke, I just wanted to say-- 381 00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:58,438 - Are you power-posing? 382 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,674 No, that's over. It's all about eye contact now. 383 00:14:01,708 --> 00:14:03,010 - Oh. 384 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,512 Well, anyway, I just wanted to say-- 385 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,248 - Jill, you and I had a hard moment, 386 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:11,384 but we're family, so I'm taking the high road, 387 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:13,253 and I invite you to join me. 388 00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:16,289 - I'm pretty sure that if you say you're taking the high road, 389 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:19,192 you're automatically not on the high road. 390 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:21,962 - Yet, somehow, I've managed to do both. 391 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,631 - You may be on the high road, but I was already on it, 392 00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:26,266 and it's, like, a one-lane thing. 393 00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,400 - [scoffs] Sweetie, 394 00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,636 as the "Joy Manifesto" says, 395 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,939 "Forward is upward." 396 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:34,074 Thanks to "Joy" I have manifested 397 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,243 an entirely new philosophy. 398 00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:39,947 Women need to stick together to demand equal pay, 399 00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:42,715 equal rights, equal everything. 400 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,086 It's what I am calling "Shedonism." 401 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,720 - You mean Feminism. 402 00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,722 - Ew, no, I wax down there. 403 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:53,593 Guys, I'm gonna have to meet you in the lobby. 404 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,463 J'neece is such a breath of fresh air. 405 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,165 I didn't want my company to be 406 00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,233 as white as the Upper East Side, you know? 407 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,970 - Yeah, but Janice doesn't look-- 408 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,137 - It's J'neece, 409 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,207 and I don't see color. 410 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,676 I'll see you at drop-off, Jill. 411 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,979 [cell phone buzzing] 412 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,813 - Who the hell keeps calling me? Hello? 413 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,149 - Hi, this is Kelly from daycare. 414 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,718 We're having some behavior issues with your son. 415 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,187 You need to come pick him up. 416 00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,854 - Sorry, my son's not in daycare. 417 00:15:21,888 --> 00:15:24,224 I think you have the wrong number. 418 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,093 - Is that who I think it is? 419 00:15:26,126 --> 00:15:28,028 * 420 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:31,198 Jill, were you really going to come all the way down here 421 00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,499 and not say hello? 422 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,601 - Of course not. 423 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,503 - My last assistant was worse. 424 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,605 I would look at her and she would cry. 425 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,107 I would yell at her and she would cry. 426 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,908 I would hit her and she would cry. 427 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:44,844 These millennials, they're made of glass. 428 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,280 Sack up. I'm not running a nursery. 429 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:50,117 - Seriously. What is their problem. 430 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,452 [both laugh softly] [cell phone buzzes] 431 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,087 - Hello, it's Kelly from the daycare center. 432 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,588 - Sorry, sorry sorry. - It's about your-- 433 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:58,091 - So tell me, Jill, did you end up keeping the baby. 434 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:01,428 - Uh, yeah, we'd been trying for two years, 435 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,763 and I had two more, actually. 436 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,034 - Three children? Oh, Jill, what a waste. 437 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,536 No wonder you dropped off the map. 438 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:13,806 - Um, well, I'm actually getting back into the photography thing, 439 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:18,178 so I hope you'll keep me in mind for any work that comes up. 440 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,447 [cell phone buzzes] 441 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,182 - Jill, I'm tired of sugar-coating everything 442 00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:24,151 with you; may I be candid? 443 00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,186 When I think of you, which isn't very often, 444 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,655 I think of an A-plus student. 445 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,890 You fulfilled every assignment, 446 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,293 and wrapped everything in neat little bows. 447 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,628 - I do have a thing for bows. 448 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,963 - But your work was safe. 449 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:40,700 It had no teeth or balls, really. 450 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,502 Which always puzzled me 451 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,505 because you're obviously a colorful person, 452 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,308 but that moxie never showed up in the work. 453 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,344 [cell phone buzzing] 454 00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,886 You wanna get that? 455 00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:03,123 Answering phones was always one of your strengths. 456 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:08,095 - [quietly] Hello? 457 00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:11,964 - And downstairs, there's a pool, 458 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,534 tennis bubble, 459 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,735 and screening room 460 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:18,405 with a classic film series this month. 461 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:20,440 "Caddyshack" is playing tonight. 462 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,275 - I can see why you never want to leave. 463 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,744 Can I get divorced? [chuckles] 464 00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:28,115 Sorry, I'm--actually, I should check in with Jill. 465 00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,782 - Yeah, that's good. [clears throat] 466 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,819 It's cool you still have a wife you can check in on. 467 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,522 - You okay, Lex? 468 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,424 - Yeah, no, um... [clears throat] 469 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,259 I'm not. 470 00:17:39,292 --> 00:17:42,195 I send Brooke flowers at least once a day. 471 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,597 She never accepts them. 472 00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:48,135 She blocked me on Facebook. 473 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,602 I'm all alone here. 474 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,438 - Brooke will come around. 475 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:55,375 She will, and until then, try to enjoy all of this 476 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,943 for both of us. 477 00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:59,412 - Good-bye, Jasper. Good-bye, Atticus. 478 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:01,448 See you in two Wednesdays. 479 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,484 We'll go to Fred's at Barneys for that truffle pizza you like. 480 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,018 Daddy loves you. 481 00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,155 - Is your boo-boo better, angel? 482 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,523 I'm gonna put my lips to the screen for a kiss, 483 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,525 and you put your lips to the screen. 484 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,429 - I have to get the kids. 485 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,001 Everybody's gone. Where are my kids? 486 00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,670 I lost the kids. Jill's gonna rip me a new-- 487 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,172 - There you are. - Where're my children? 488 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,174 Are they okay? - Yes, everyone's fine. 489 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,242 They're with their mother. - No! 490 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,811 That's almost worse than if they'd been abducted. 491 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,881 - Oh, well, your son had some impulse control issues 492 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,649 and when we couldn't reach either of you, 493 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,351 your daughter gave us your ex's number. 494 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:39,752 - My ex? No, she's not my ex. 495 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,821 Did she say she's my ex? 496 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,357 - No, I just assumed. 497 00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:47,227 - [exhales] - Dude, you're in trouble. 498 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:49,996 Movie night starts at 8:00, if you need a place to crash. 499 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,364 * 500 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:54,667 - Okay, you can be mad at me forever, 501 00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:57,003 just please don't divorce me. 502 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:58,738 - Yeah, I'm over it. - Really? 503 00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,940 But you had to leave a Trixie meeting because of me. 504 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,211 - Can you believe she said my work had no balls? 505 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,846 - Has she met you? Your balls have balls. 506 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,848 - Honestly, I was secretly relieved 507 00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,017 that you needed a break from the kids too. 508 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,018 - Are you kidding? 509 00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,019 At one point in the day, 510 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,454 I realized I hated all of them. 511 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,623 - [laughs softly] Welcome to motherhood, honey. 512 00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,491 - Yeah. 513 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:19,626 Mm. 514 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,494 - Say it again. 515 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,896 - Our kids are incredibly annoying. 516 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:24,897 - More. 517 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,233 - I wanted to put them 518 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,435 in three tiny straightjackets. 519 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:29,869 [cell phone ringing] 520 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:33,340 [sighs] - Oh, this'll just be a minute. 521 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,542 Hi. - Take your time. 522 00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:36,843 I'm already asleep. 523 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,646 Night, Vanessa. - Okay, where were we? 524 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:40,913 - You'd just gotten up to Brooke's new acolyte. 525 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:41,948 - Right! 526 00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:43,149 Okay, I know this is 527 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,151 gonna sound weird, but I get the feeling 528 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,554 that Brooke thinks she has a new black friend. 529 00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:49,622 - She doesn't? - Oh, no, she has a new friend. 530 00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,260 I met her, but I'm pretty sure she's just a white chick 531 00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,561 who doesn't Keratin. 532 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,396 - [laughs] 533 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:59,566 - Okay, Vaness, in exactly eight hours, 534 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:04,036 I'm dropping off all my kids at real, full-time school. 535 00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:06,873 Finally, I'm done. I'm done with diapers. 536 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,242 I'm done with sippy cups. I'm done. 537 00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,678 - You realize they're not going to boarding school, right? 538 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,381 - Vaness, this is why you have to have kids, 539 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,250 so you can experience the jubilation 540 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,452 of handing them off to other people. 541 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:20,887 - [laughs] 542 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:21,954 - I feel like I've been running a marathon, 543 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,391 and now I'm at the finish line. 544 00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:26,493 - Mazel. 545 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,262 - * Going back to school again 546 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:32,265 [Bill Conti's "Gonna Fly Now"] 547 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:40,307 * 548 00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,884 [cheers and applause] 549 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,824 [cell phone ringing] 550 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:02,662 - Hello? - Mrs. Weber? 551 00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,331 You forgot the doctor's forms. 552 00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,699 - I forgot what? - The medical forms. 553 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:09,201 Hazel can't start school without it. 554 00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,971 She's waiting here in the administrative office. 555 00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:13,840 - Be right there. 556 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,419 - For more "Odd Mom Out" go to Bravotv.com. 557 00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:28,421 [seagulls cawing] - Oh, dear. 558 00:21:30,357 --> 00:21:32,158 - Left, right, left, right, left, right!