(female announcer) Previously on Odd Mom Out...
It's my sister-in-law.
Jill, I'm seeing you at my NACHO kickoff event,
New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity.
Just promise me you will not turn into
one of those freaky Mom-bots.
If I ever say that I'm going to a $3,000 a plate hat luncheon
with the ladies, you have my permission to--
Shoot you?
[liquid splashing]
Oh, sh*á.
Siri, how do I deliver a baby?
I can't, I can't do it.
Yes you can, you are an Olympian!
[baby crying]
Jill, from now on, we have to stick together.
So, where were we?
(all) AIDS.
(man on phone) You are wasting your life at that white shoe law firm.
You should come work for Hercules.
- Hi. - You made it.
This is Jillian.
Hi.
I have good news.
You are going to vice chair my NACHO gala.
Don't hate me,
but the NACHO gala is the same night as your party.
- Lex, hey, I got some-- - Oh, yeah, oh yeah.
What the? Oh!
- Jill? - Hi.
You've had your head so far up your sister-in-law's ass,
you're turning into one of them.
* Hey, yes, you know
* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *
[electronic music]
*
* My, my, my, how you have grown *
* Since I saw you last
* You were on your own
Happy birthday, Vanessa.
Vanessa?
Vanessa!
[screams]
[gasping]
Oh, my God.
I just had the worst nightmare.
About what, honey?
I turned into one of Brooke's sycophants,
and I looked like a Hefner girlfriend.
and Vanessa totally iced me.
I can't believe it's her birthday tomorrow
and we're barely speaking.
Yeah, that's-- that's awful.
Are you okay?
I can't sleep.
Holy crap.
There's like an Andy-shaped sweat stain on the bed.
Was it the chicken curry?
No, and believe me, you don't wanna know.
You are Frank Lloyd Wrong. I always wanna know.
Come on.
Tell me. The truth will set you free.
I promise.
Lexi's cheating on Brooke with his assistant, Ella.
[breathes heavily]
I told you.
Lex.
Oh, good morning, Andy.
Is that a new haircut?
No. You mind giving us a minute?
Totes.
I have tried talking to you as your brother.
Now I am talking to you as your attorney.
You have opened this company up
to the mother of all sexual harrassment suits.
I told you,
it was a one time thing.
And we were just talking.
Okay, here's what's happening.
You are ending it with Ella today.
Then you are promoting her and moving her
to the Shanghai office.
You want to move her to China?
That is cold, dude.
I don't even think she's Chinese.
That's not the point.
Either she goes or I go.
(Brooke) Over here is for the VIP donors.
I want you to get lots of candids of them.
Ronaldo, the celebrity psychic,
will be doing readings over there.
Make sure to get him.
Ah, excuse me?
Why is this banner cranberry and not fuschia?
Take it down, get a color wheel, fix it.
Anyway, have you written your speech yet for introducing me?
Ah, no, I'm better off the cuff.
Jill, you know, I love your edgy lingo,
but I also hate surprises.
Oh, which reminds me, I don't want any nipple,
side-boob, or back fat hanging out.
So I'd like to see your dress beforehand.
Okie-dokie.
Okay, what's wrong?
You're not cracking any jokes. It's weird.
Nothing.
I'm just really sleep deprived.
Wait.
Are you knocked up?
I thought you looked puffy.
- No. - You can't lie to me.
Jill.
Okay. Okay.
Um, remember when all the kids were talking about
that real world scary stuff from the news?
It was my family. We're the truth fairy.
First of all,
don't scare me like that.
I thought you had cancer or had to miss the NACHO gala
or something.
Okay.
I'm glad you were honest with me.
Because we're family.
And that is why I am going to unhear what you just told me.
We have each other's backs now, right?
Mm-hmm.
Hey, birthday Mama.
Psyched for tonight?
Everyone is coming to Tortilla Flats.
Except Jill, my best friend.
I'm in a really shitty mood.
Okay, when was the last time you were sexually active?
Am I a teen patient now?
I think you need some birthday action.
And if you're not gonna hook up with Saul from Oncology--
- He's married? - Very unhappily.
They sleep in separate rooms.
- Eh... - But fine.
I say you revisit that Brooklyn guy, Evan?
Elliot. He was cute.
But then he tried to sell me an apartment.
That's the upside to guys in sales.
They aim to please.
For your last sex in your thirties,
I say sit back and enjoy the hard sell.
Thank you.
(woman) No, it's supposed to be great.
It's a juice bar and colonics, all in one.
I mean, my doctor never said not to do it.
[phone ringing]
(Vanessa) Hey.
Finally! Happy birthday!
(Jill) Did you get all my singing messages?
Yeah, I'm between patients, what's up?
Um, it's just the diner's closing tonight
and it's your birthday.
Are we still in a fight?
I don't know, but I'm hating the weirdness too.
Vaness, you know I'm desperate to celebrate with you.
Really? So you're coming tonight?
I'm--no, I'm sorry,
I meant I wanted to reserve you for tomorrow night.
(Jill) Anywhere in the city.
Gramercy Tavern... Blue Ribbon?
Hello?
Yeah, I'm here.
Okay, I feel like you're punishing me for not being able
to make it to your party.
I can't believe we're having this conversation again.
What planet are we on that Brooke is now your priority?
Planet Grown-up.
Planet Family Responsibility.
I'm not a grown-up because I'm not married with kids?
Oh, my God, that's not what I'm saying.
I meant, I'm just in a position
that I don't think you can fully understand.
'Cause I don't have a family?
I thought you were my family.
I gotta go.
[cheering]
(emcee) Welcome, everyone, to the NACHO benefit gala.
Get ready for some freeze frame, 'cause it's 1984
and it's prom night.
What's your favorite John Hughes movie?
I know mine.
Ladies, together.
Big smile. Right here.
Great, great.
Jill, come over.
(emcee) Our DJ is taking requests for your favorite 80's songs.
Hi.
Oh, Jill. Look at you.
Are we Pretty in Pink?
(camerawoman) Over here, Brooke.
- Great. - Right here, Jill.
- Jill, Jill, Jill. - Look right here.
(man) Oh, it's the Fab Four over here.
Has anyone seen my husband?
He's supposed to be in these pictures,
but he just keeps disappearing.
Um, he's probably with Andy. Let me go find him.
Ladies, together. Big smile.
Excuse me, are you the broker of this listing?
Vanessa.
Um, sorry I never got back to you.
Oh, don't sweat it.
It was that listing I sent you, wasn't it?
Mm...
- It was a bad move. - Kinda turned me off.
Well, you see, real estate actually turns me on.
Oh, you really are a kinky dude.
But for the record, I'm not in the market to buy, so...
Totally get it.
Listen, will you walk around and just ooh and ah about this place
until I'm done?
On it.
[fake gasp] Oooh.
[fake gasp] Ah.
(emcee) Don't forget the silent auction.
Think of all of those hefty kids who need hefty donations.
Okay, I already had rea explosiva 'cause of Vanessa,
but now this whole Lex thing is making me basically pee
out of my ass*á*á round the clock.
I mean, look at him.
He's not only cheating on his wife,
he's taking advantage of a young, innocent girl.
It has been taken care of.
Ella is being relocated to the Shanghai office.
Is she even Chinese?
Darlings!
- Hey. - Hello.
Hello.
Hi there. Isn't this exciting.
Mother.
(man) Hey, Andy.
I was so hoping to meet your gentleman caller tonight.
Jill, I'm not in a Tennessee Williams play.
And my lover isn't exactly a gentleman.
I'm just bummed he isn't here.
I didn't say he wasn't here.
[kissing]
Is this how all your open houses end?
The good ones.
I love the wide plank hardwood floors.
They're all original.
12 foot 4 inch ceilings.
Marble fireplace.
Yes.
Yes. Keep going.
There's an eat-in kitchen.
State of the art appliances, newly renovated.
- Subzero fridge? - Uh-huh.
Good views of the East River.
Newly installed storm windows.
Heated elevator.
Jesus, don't stop.
Shared roof deck.
It's priced to sell. They just lowered the asking.
Yeah!
Thank you.
Oh, hi, Jill.
You look great. Have you seen Brooke?
Ella, what are you doing here?
Assisting Brooke for the night.
I just found out the mayor can't make it.
She's gonna freak.
Wait, I thought you were moving to China.
No... And I'm not Chinese, by the way.
My father's Japanese,
my mother's Russian-Italian-Czech-Polish.
No one ever guesses that part.
Listen, Ella.
If you were being put in a position
that is remotely compromising--so to speak--
I just wanna say, you have other options.
Oh, God. You're talking about Lex.
I'm so embarassed. I know it's super uncool,
but it's more or less over.
"More or less"?
Honestly, I just felt really bad for him.
Between us, I think he's having a midlife crisis.
Uh, you do realize he's 32?
I know.
Anyway, it's sweet of you to worry, but it's totally chill.
I'm fine.
Gotta run. Brooke needs me.
Andy.
Ella is here.
Assisting Brooke.
What?
I hate being in the middle of this.
I wish you had never told me.
You practically beat it out of me.
Yeah, well, you should've known better.
- I need another drink. - So do I.
- Are these for grabs? - Yes.
Thanks.
Okay, I have to go to the bathroom.
Lose another layer of stomach lining.
Practice my speech again,
and come up with Brooke's comic relief.
This is worse than high school.
(woman) I heard he advised Koch and Giuliani.
Mrs. von Weber, what a night.
Thank you, Ronaldo.
My mother-in-law, Candace, has been raving about
your superpowers forever.
Uh, I was hoping that you could give me a quick reading?
Of course. It would be an honor.
Let's see.
You are a beacon for many.
But you are bathing in a whirlpool of secrets.
Me?
What kind of secrets?
I see betrayal...
broken oaths...
bread with a hole in the center.
That's all I got.
- Okay, but-- - Please, like my Yelp page.
Say "Heathers."
- Jilly Beans. - Oh, sh*á.
I haven't seen you all night, baby.
How's my sis?
How are you, Lex?
How's your new baby and your long hours at work?
Making it happen, yeah, making it happen.
Daily grind.
Mm-hmm. Such a grind.
I know all about that.
Excuse me.
(emcee) And now, what you've all been waiting for,
give a nice, warm welcome to the NACHO ribbon dancers.
It's so sad, really.
This is the only prom
most of these kids will ever get asked to.
(emcee) Tonight we have raised $1.3 million
for the children of NACHO.
Lex.
Is there something I should know?
What are you talking about?
You tell me.
Is there someone else?
Brooke...
Don't be ridiculous.
Who could I possibly find that's hotter than my Brookey-bear?
That is a good point.
Brooke, you've been under a lot of stress,
but this event is a huge success.
Try to enjoy it, huh?
It's your night.
[applause]
All right, looking thinner already.
So, can I take you to dinner sometime?
Sure. How about tonight?
Done. What're you in the mood for?
Um...Mexican.
There's kinda this thing I have to go to.
Wanna be my plus one?
Uh, okay.
What is it?
Um...
(all) Happy birthday!
Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
This is Elliot. We just banged.
Whoo-hoo, yeah, girl.
Those things are real.
Power to you, babe. Those look great.
Hey, we need to talk.
Uh, yeah, no kidding.
What the hell is going on?
Jill is being weird to me.
Brooke is cross examining me.
Did you say something?
You don't like it, next time, keep it in your pants.
Shh. What the-- Shut the hell up.
No, no, you arrogant little prick.
I have been changing your diapers since I was 13.
I'm done. I quit.
You can wipe your own ass this time.
[disbelieving laughter] Fine, quit.
The only reason I hired you in the first place
is because I felt sorry for you.
Oh.
[crowd gasping] - Sh*á!
You son of a--
[concerned murmuring]
Come on, tough guy, come on.
You hit like a girl, you sack of sh*á.
Oh, my God.
Guys, guys, break it up.
- You're so dead! - Anderson!
Back off! This is none of your business.
That's no way to speak to your mother.
Thank you, Ronaldo.
Oh, the famous Ronaldo.
Yes.
Ronaldo is my lover.
- What? - You heard me.
That's right, boys.
Mama's getting her kicks for once.
And, Anderson, you should be ashamed of yourself.
All due respect, Mother, you do not know the whole story.
Oh, are you referring to the assistant that Lex is bedding?
[crowd gasps]
[microphone feedback]
(Brooke) No one else, huh, Lex?
I know, I know, they're fixing the goodie-bags.
Please don't kill me.
What's going on?
Even I could not have seen this coming.
What're we doing here?
We're dancing, right?
We're having fun. We're dancing.
Let's dance.
By everyone, actually.
I mean, if Candace and Andy knew,
then how many other people knew?
You didn't, right?
You knew?
I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do.
It wasn't my place.
Since when do you care about being appropriate?
You wore black to all my kids' christenings.
I thought we were friends,
but apparently you just enjoy humiliating me.
Enjoy it? I have not slept since I found out.
I have been vomitocious. It's coming out both ends.
I made you.
You were a creepy, goth, loner mom with no friends
until I took you under my wing, and this is how you repay me?
I'm sorry your husband cheated on you,
but you did not make me.
You manipulated me,
the way you manipulate everyone to get your way.
You wanted to hang out with me.
Without me, your only friend is that poor, barren girl
who lives in the slums.
Are you talking about Vanessa?
Okay, I'm out of here.
And by the way, childhood obesity is a real problem,
but so is your bullsh*á charity.
[shrieks]
[crowd gasps]
You lunatic!
Don't forget the silent auction, everyone.
Oh, my God.
Sorry, I couldn't hold back.
No, it's okay. I'm glad you didn't, sweetie.
It's your family. Now what?
Honey, we are our family.
And we are gonna be fine.
I love you, Duckie Weber.
I love you, Jill Ringwald.
I would hug you but you look very sticky.
I know. I have to go.
Of course, go.
Go!
(emcee) I guess girls really do just wanna have fun.
[mariachi music]
Please be happy I'm here.
Is this real Jill or your avatar?
Vaness, I've been such a dickhole.
Those bitches aren't my friends.
You and simple carbohydrates are my only real friends.
I love you. Can you ever forgive me?
Come here.
You guys, this is my best friend, Jill.
She just came from a prom.
(all) Hi, Jill.
Hey, Jill. Was the prom theme Carrie?
Is it that obvious?
I basically told Brooke to go "eff" herself
and she didn't take it very well.
That's the best birthday present you could have given me.
We were just toasting the big news.
What news?
Elliot! Hi.
So, something crazy went down tonight.
Was that something Elliot?
No, well, yes--but also, something else.
Oh, my God.
I bought an apartment!
In the East Vil, on the prettiest block.
Oh, my God, mazel tov.
Two beds?
- Nope. One. - One? But what if?
Forget what ifs. I can't wait to see it.
I'm so excited.
To Vanessa!
[cheering]
Our last milkshakes here.
And gay bagels.
It's the end of an era.
Well, the good news is,
at this time next week,
all the fembots will have hopped the sh*áney,
or Uber-choppered out to the beach.
It will be a ghost town here this summer.
There will be tumbleweeds blowing across Madison Avenue.
I love how you don't exagerate at all.
Have you been paying attention?
I can't exagerate anything up here.
It will be like a neutron bomb just fell on the whole zipcode.
I can't wait to be bored.
You stir up way too much trouble to ever be bored.
Who, moi?
Hey, I had an idea
for a new shop called "Bloat."
It's a combo milkshake and colonics bar.
And they take the ice cream and they just stick it
right in your "ayn."
- Right up there? - Yeah.
(Jill) It's a million dollar idea.
It's gonna be on the NASDAQ, gonna be on the stock ticker.
- B-L-T. - I love it.
(Jill) I could be an entrepreneur.
[echoing] Hello?
Is it September yet?
For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com.
[seagulls squawking]
(child) Oh, dear.