1 00:00:05,467 --> 00:00:07,733 (female announcer) Previously on Odd Mom Out... 2 00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:09,033 It's my sister-in-law. 3 00:00:09,067 --> 00:00:11,667 Jill, I'm seeing you at my NACHO kickoff event, 4 00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,633 New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity. 5 00:00:13,667 --> 00:00:16,400 Just promise me you will not turn into 6 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:18,233 one of those freaky Mom-bots. 7 00:00:18,267 --> 00:00:22,200 If I ever say that I'm going to a $3,000 a plate hat luncheon 8 00:00:22,233 --> 00:00:24,167 with the ladies, you have my permission to-- 9 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,167 Shoot you? 10 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,167 [liquid splashing] 11 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,867 Oh, sh*á. 12 00:00:27,900 --> 00:00:30,333 Siri, how do I deliver a baby? 13 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:31,733 I can't, I can't do it. 14 00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:34,133 Yes you can, you are an Olympian! 15 00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:35,900 [baby crying] 16 00:00:35,933 --> 00:00:40,300 Jill, from now on, we have to stick together. 17 00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,000 So, where were we? 18 00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:43,733 (all) AIDS. 19 00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:46,667 (man on phone) You are wasting your life at that white shoe law firm. 20 00:00:46,700 --> 00:00:48,000 You should come work for Hercules. 21 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:49,667 - Hi. - You made it. 22 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,733 This is Jillian. 23 00:00:51,767 --> 00:00:53,300 Hi. 24 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:54,500 I have good news. 25 00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:57,733 You are going to vice chair my NACHO gala. 26 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,067 Don't hate me, 27 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:03,067 but the NACHO gala is the same night as your party. 28 00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:04,367 - Lex, hey, I got some-- - Oh, yeah, oh yeah. 29 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:05,467 What the? Oh! 30 00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,667 - Jill? - Hi. 31 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:11,067 You've had your head so far up your sister-in-law's ass, 32 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:14,133 you're turning into one of them. 33 00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:17,667 * Hey, yes, you know 34 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:21,400 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 35 00:01:21,433 --> 00:01:24,400 [electronic music] 36 00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:27,433 * 37 00:01:27,467 --> 00:01:32,133 * My, my, my, how you have grown * 38 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:35,600 * Since I saw you last 39 00:01:35,633 --> 00:01:38,700 * You were on your own 40 00:01:38,733 --> 00:01:43,467 Happy birthday, Vanessa. 41 00:01:43,500 --> 00:01:47,233 Vanessa? 42 00:01:47,267 --> 00:01:49,067 Vanessa! 43 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,100 [screams] 44 00:01:51,133 --> 00:01:53,967 [gasping] 45 00:01:54,067 --> 00:01:55,067 Oh, my God. 46 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,400 I just had the worst nightmare. 47 00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:57,533 About what, honey? 48 00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,567 I turned into one of Brooke's sycophants, 49 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,467 and I looked like a Hefner girlfriend. 50 00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,467 and Vanessa totally iced me. 51 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,467 I can't believe it's her birthday tomorrow 52 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:07,633 and we're barely speaking. 53 00:02:07,667 --> 00:02:09,867 Yeah, that's-- that's awful. 54 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:11,300 Are you okay? 55 00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:12,800 I can't sleep. 56 00:02:12,833 --> 00:02:14,200 Holy crap. 57 00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:17,067 There's like an Andy-shaped sweat stain on the bed. 58 00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:18,200 Was it the chicken curry? 59 00:02:18,233 --> 00:02:21,433 No, and believe me, you don't wanna know. 60 00:02:21,467 --> 00:02:24,500 You are Frank Lloyd Wrong. I always wanna know. 61 00:02:24,533 --> 00:02:25,600 Come on. 62 00:02:25,633 --> 00:02:27,133 Tell me. The truth will set you free. 63 00:02:27,167 --> 00:02:29,267 I promise. 64 00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:33,767 Lexi's cheating on Brooke with his assistant, Ella. 65 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:37,067 [breathes heavily] 66 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:42,267 I told you. 67 00:02:44,867 --> 00:02:45,833 Lex. 68 00:02:45,867 --> 00:02:47,433 Oh, good morning, Andy. 69 00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,467 Is that a new haircut? 70 00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,500 No. You mind giving us a minute? 71 00:02:51,533 --> 00:02:53,667 Totes. 72 00:02:56,667 --> 00:02:58,667 I have tried talking to you as your brother. 73 00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:01,433 Now I am talking to you as your attorney. 74 00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:03,067 You have opened this company up 75 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:05,200 to the mother of all sexual harrassment suits. 76 00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,200 I told you, 77 00:03:06,233 --> 00:03:07,633 it was a one time thing. 78 00:03:07,667 --> 00:03:09,467 And we were just talking. 79 00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:10,700 Okay, here's what's happening. 80 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,800 You are ending it with Ella today. 81 00:03:12,833 --> 00:03:15,067 Then you are promoting her and moving her 82 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:16,767 to the Shanghai office. 83 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:18,900 You want to move her to China? 84 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,667 That is cold, dude. 85 00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:23,100 I don't even think she's Chinese. 86 00:03:23,133 --> 00:03:24,933 That's not the point. 87 00:03:24,967 --> 00:03:27,967 Either she goes or I go. 88 00:03:32,467 --> 00:03:34,800 (Brooke) Over here is for the VIP donors. 89 00:03:34,833 --> 00:03:36,833 I want you to get lots of candids of them. 90 00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:38,567 Ronaldo, the celebrity psychic, 91 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:39,700 will be doing readings over there. 92 00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:40,800 Make sure to get him. 93 00:03:40,833 --> 00:03:42,333 Ah, excuse me? 94 00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:46,200 Why is this banner cranberry and not fuschia? 95 00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:49,767 Take it down, get a color wheel, fix it. 96 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,567 Anyway, have you written your speech yet for introducing me? 97 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,267 Ah, no, I'm better off the cuff. 98 00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,333 Jill, you know, I love your edgy lingo, 99 00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,367 but I also hate surprises. 100 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,367 Oh, which reminds me, I don't want any nipple, 101 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,700 side-boob, or back fat hanging out. 102 00:04:05,733 --> 00:04:07,867 So I'd like to see your dress beforehand. 103 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:08,867 Okie-dokie. 104 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:10,267 Okay, what's wrong? 105 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:12,533 You're not cracking any jokes. It's weird. 106 00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:13,533 Nothing. 107 00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:16,167 I'm just really sleep deprived. 108 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,167 Wait. 109 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,933 Are you knocked up? 110 00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:23,067 I thought you looked puffy. 111 00:04:23,067 --> 00:04:25,800 - No. - You can't lie to me. 112 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:28,233 Jill. 113 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,800 Okay. Okay. 114 00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:33,500 Um, remember when all the kids were talking about 115 00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:36,233 that real world scary stuff from the news? 116 00:04:36,267 --> 00:04:39,067 It was my family. We're the truth fairy. 117 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:46,433 First of all, 118 00:04:46,467 --> 00:04:48,233 don't scare me like that. 119 00:04:48,267 --> 00:04:50,967 I thought you had cancer or had to miss the NACHO gala 120 00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:52,767 or something. 121 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:53,867 Okay. 122 00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,800 I'm glad you were honest with me. 123 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,267 Because we're family. 124 00:04:57,300 --> 00:05:01,400 And that is why I am going to unhear what you just told me. 125 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,733 We have each other's backs now, right? 126 00:05:05,767 --> 00:05:06,900 Mm-hmm. 127 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,500 Hey, birthday Mama. 128 00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:12,900 Psyched for tonight? 129 00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:15,400 Everyone is coming to Tortilla Flats. 130 00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:18,133 Except Jill, my best friend. 131 00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:19,967 I'm in a really shitty mood. 132 00:05:20,067 --> 00:05:23,167 Okay, when was the last time you were sexually active? 133 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,300 Am I a teen patient now? 134 00:05:25,333 --> 00:05:27,367 I think you need some birthday action. 135 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,067 And if you're not gonna hook up with Saul from Oncology-- 136 00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,567 - He's married? - Very unhappily. 137 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:33,767 They sleep in separate rooms. 138 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,067 - Eh... - But fine. 139 00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:37,367 I say you revisit that Brooklyn guy, Evan? 140 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,867 Elliot. He was cute. 141 00:05:39,900 --> 00:05:41,867 But then he tried to sell me an apartment. 142 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,200 That's the upside to guys in sales. 143 00:05:43,233 --> 00:05:44,633 They aim to please. 144 00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:46,333 For your last sex in your thirties, 145 00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:51,400 I say sit back and enjoy the hard sell. 146 00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:52,600 Thank you. 147 00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,300 (woman) No, it's supposed to be great. 148 00:05:57,333 --> 00:06:00,333 It's a juice bar and colonics, all in one. 149 00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:03,633 I mean, my doctor never said not to do it. 150 00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:07,167 [phone ringing] 151 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,067 (Vanessa) Hey. 152 00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:14,267 Finally! Happy birthday! 153 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,567 (Jill) Did you get all my singing messages? 154 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:18,867 Yeah, I'm between patients, what's up? 155 00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:21,500 Um, it's just the diner's closing tonight 156 00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:23,067 and it's your birthday. 157 00:06:23,067 --> 00:06:24,600 Are we still in a fight? 158 00:06:24,633 --> 00:06:27,667 I don't know, but I'm hating the weirdness too. 159 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:31,067 Vaness, you know I'm desperate to celebrate with you. 160 00:06:31,067 --> 00:06:32,967 Really? So you're coming tonight? 161 00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:34,300 I'm--no, I'm sorry, 162 00:06:34,333 --> 00:06:37,200 I meant I wanted to reserve you for tomorrow night. 163 00:06:37,233 --> 00:06:38,267 (Jill) Anywhere in the city. 164 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,867 Gramercy Tavern... Blue Ribbon? 165 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:43,067 Hello? 166 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,367 Yeah, I'm here. 167 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,367 Okay, I feel like you're punishing me for not being able 168 00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:47,800 to make it to your party. 169 00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:50,067 I can't believe we're having this conversation again. 170 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:53,900 What planet are we on that Brooke is now your priority? 171 00:06:53,933 --> 00:06:55,733 Planet Grown-up. 172 00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:58,067 Planet Family Responsibility. 173 00:06:58,067 --> 00:07:01,067 I'm not a grown-up because I'm not married with kids? 174 00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:03,500 Oh, my God, that's not what I'm saying. 175 00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:05,233 I meant, I'm just in a position 176 00:07:05,267 --> 00:07:07,700 that I don't think you can fully understand. 177 00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:09,867 'Cause I don't have a family? 178 00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:12,367 I thought you were my family. 179 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:15,800 I gotta go. 180 00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:23,067 [cheering] 181 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:24,867 (emcee) Welcome, everyone, to the NACHO benefit gala. 182 00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:27,633 Get ready for some freeze frame, 'cause it's 1984 183 00:07:27,667 --> 00:07:29,867 and it's prom night. 184 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:32,400 What's your favorite John Hughes movie? 185 00:07:32,433 --> 00:07:33,467 I know mine. 186 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:34,733 Ladies, together. 187 00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:37,067 Big smile. Right here. 188 00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:38,067 Great, great. 189 00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:39,733 Jill, come over. 190 00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,733 (emcee) Our DJ is taking requests for your favorite 80's songs. 191 00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:43,733 Hi. 192 00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:46,167 Oh, Jill. Look at you. 193 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:47,433 Are we Pretty in Pink? 194 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,667 (camerawoman) Over here, Brooke. 195 00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:49,767 - Great. - Right here, Jill. 196 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,967 - Jill, Jill, Jill. - Look right here. 197 00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:55,367 (man) Oh, it's the Fab Four over here. 198 00:07:58,367 --> 00:08:00,067 Has anyone seen my husband? 199 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,533 He's supposed to be in these pictures, 200 00:08:01,567 --> 00:08:03,933 but he just keeps disappearing. 201 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:07,533 Um, he's probably with Andy. Let me go find him. 202 00:08:07,567 --> 00:08:10,100 Ladies, together. Big smile. 203 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,067 Excuse me, are you the broker of this listing? 204 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,200 Vanessa. 205 00:08:24,233 --> 00:08:26,667 Um, sorry I never got back to you. 206 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,533 Oh, don't sweat it. 207 00:08:28,567 --> 00:08:29,767 It was that listing I sent you, wasn't it? 208 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:30,933 Mm... 209 00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:33,100 - It was a bad move. - Kinda turned me off. 210 00:08:33,133 --> 00:08:36,067 Well, you see, real estate actually turns me on. 211 00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:39,233 Oh, you really are a kinky dude. 212 00:08:39,267 --> 00:08:42,067 But for the record, I'm not in the market to buy, so... 213 00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,667 Totally get it. 214 00:08:43,700 --> 00:08:46,500 Listen, will you walk around and just ooh and ah about this place 215 00:08:46,533 --> 00:08:47,500 until I'm done? 216 00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:48,933 On it. 217 00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,300 [fake gasp] Oooh. 218 00:08:51,333 --> 00:08:53,733 [fake gasp] Ah. 219 00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,100 (emcee) Don't forget the silent auction. 220 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:58,367 Think of all of those hefty kids who need hefty donations. 221 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,800 Okay, I already had rea explosiva 'cause of Vanessa, 222 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,500 but now this whole Lex thing is making me basically pee 223 00:09:04,533 --> 00:09:07,067 out of my ass*á*á round the clock. 224 00:09:07,067 --> 00:09:08,400 I mean, look at him. 225 00:09:08,433 --> 00:09:10,233 He's not only cheating on his wife, 226 00:09:10,267 --> 00:09:12,900 he's taking advantage of a young, innocent girl. 227 00:09:12,933 --> 00:09:15,100 It has been taken care of. 228 00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:18,400 Ella is being relocated to the Shanghai office. 229 00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:20,433 Is she even Chinese? 230 00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:21,500 Darlings! 231 00:09:21,533 --> 00:09:22,667 - Hey. - Hello. 232 00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,267 Hello. 233 00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:25,700 Hi there. Isn't this exciting. 234 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:26,700 Mother. 235 00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,300 (man) Hey, Andy. 236 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:32,467 I was so hoping to meet your gentleman caller tonight. 237 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,767 Jill, I'm not in a Tennessee Williams play. 238 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,167 And my lover isn't exactly a gentleman. 239 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,200 I'm just bummed he isn't here. 240 00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:43,333 I didn't say he wasn't here. 241 00:09:43,367 --> 00:09:47,333 [kissing] 242 00:09:47,367 --> 00:09:48,933 Is this how all your open houses end? 243 00:09:48,967 --> 00:09:50,600 The good ones. 244 00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:53,233 I love the wide plank hardwood floors. 245 00:09:53,267 --> 00:09:54,667 They're all original. 246 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,267 12 foot 4 inch ceilings. 247 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,500 Marble fireplace. 248 00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,500 Yes. 249 00:09:58,533 --> 00:09:59,767 Yes. Keep going. 250 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,500 There's an eat-in kitchen. 251 00:10:01,533 --> 00:10:04,500 State of the art appliances, newly renovated. 252 00:10:04,533 --> 00:10:06,300 - Subzero fridge? - Uh-huh. 253 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,000 Good views of the East River. 254 00:10:08,033 --> 00:10:10,333 Newly installed storm windows. 255 00:10:10,367 --> 00:10:11,767 Heated elevator. 256 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:12,967 Jesus, don't stop. 257 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,633 Shared roof deck. 258 00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,467 It's priced to sell. They just lowered the asking. 259 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:18,767 Yeah! 260 00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:23,467 Thank you. 261 00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:24,467 Oh, hi, Jill. 262 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,267 You look great. Have you seen Brooke? 263 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:27,967 Ella, what are you doing here? 264 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,167 Assisting Brooke for the night. 265 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,767 I just found out the mayor can't make it. 266 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:31,967 She's gonna freak. 267 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,767 Wait, I thought you were moving to China. 268 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:37,233 No... And I'm not Chinese, by the way. 269 00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,400 My father's Japanese, 270 00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,300 my mother's Russian-Italian-Czech-Polish. 271 00:10:40,333 --> 00:10:42,533 No one ever guesses that part. 272 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:43,600 Listen, Ella. 273 00:10:43,633 --> 00:10:46,167 If you were being put in a position 274 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,300 that is remotely compromising--so to speak-- 275 00:10:49,333 --> 00:10:53,033 I just wanna say, you have other options. 276 00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:56,000 Oh, God. You're talking about Lex. 277 00:10:56,033 --> 00:10:59,867 I'm so embarassed. I know it's super uncool, 278 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,633 but it's more or less over. 279 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:02,967 "More or less"? 280 00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:06,667 Honestly, I just felt really bad for him. 281 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,667 Between us, I think he's having a midlife crisis. 282 00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,167 Uh, you do realize he's 32? 283 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,667 I know. 284 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:16,933 Anyway, it's sweet of you to worry, but it's totally chill. 285 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:17,967 I'm fine. 286 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:20,067 Gotta run. Brooke needs me. 287 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,067 Andy. 288 00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:25,300 Ella is here. 289 00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:26,500 Assisting Brooke. 290 00:11:26,533 --> 00:11:27,567 What? 291 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,633 I hate being in the middle of this. 292 00:11:28,667 --> 00:11:29,667 I wish you had never told me. 293 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,100 You practically beat it out of me. 294 00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:32,967 Yeah, well, you should've known better. 295 00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,133 - I need another drink. - So do I. 296 00:11:34,167 --> 00:11:35,433 - Are these for grabs? - Yes. 297 00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:37,600 Thanks. 298 00:11:37,633 --> 00:11:39,433 Okay, I have to go to the bathroom. 299 00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,567 Lose another layer of stomach lining. 300 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,833 Practice my speech again, 301 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:45,400 and come up with Brooke's comic relief. 302 00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:48,067 This is worse than high school. 303 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:51,200 (woman) I heard he advised Koch and Giuliani. 304 00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:53,767 Mrs. von Weber, what a night. 305 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,333 Thank you, Ronaldo. 306 00:11:55,367 --> 00:11:57,600 My mother-in-law, Candace, has been raving about 307 00:11:57,633 --> 00:12:00,633 your superpowers forever. 308 00:12:00,667 --> 00:12:03,333 Uh, I was hoping that you could give me a quick reading? 309 00:12:03,367 --> 00:12:07,067 Of course. It would be an honor. 310 00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,100 Let's see. 311 00:12:14,133 --> 00:12:17,067 You are a beacon for many. 312 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:20,600 But you are bathing in a whirlpool of secrets. 313 00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:22,167 Me? 314 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,600 What kind of secrets? 315 00:12:23,633 --> 00:12:25,967 I see betrayal... 316 00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,667 broken oaths... 317 00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,733 bread with a hole in the center. 318 00:12:30,767 --> 00:12:31,900 That's all I got. 319 00:12:31,933 --> 00:12:36,667 - Okay, but-- - Please, like my Yelp page. 320 00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:40,367 Say "Heathers." 321 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,433 - Jilly Beans. - Oh, sh*á. 322 00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:43,967 I haven't seen you all night, baby. 323 00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:47,200 How's my sis? 324 00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:48,467 How are you, Lex? 325 00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:51,800 How's your new baby and your long hours at work? 326 00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:54,167 Making it happen, yeah, making it happen. 327 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:55,400 Daily grind. 328 00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:58,333 Mm-hmm. Such a grind. 329 00:12:58,367 --> 00:13:01,300 I know all about that. 330 00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:04,733 Excuse me. 331 00:13:10,633 --> 00:13:12,700 (emcee) And now, what you've all been waiting for, 332 00:13:12,733 --> 00:13:18,700 give a nice, warm welcome to the NACHO ribbon dancers. 333 00:13:18,733 --> 00:13:19,900 It's so sad, really. 334 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,100 This is the only prom 335 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,267 most of these kids will ever get asked to. 336 00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:25,867 (emcee) Tonight we have raised $1.3 million 337 00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:26,900 for the children of NACHO. 338 00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:29,400 Lex. 339 00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:31,767 Is there something I should know? 340 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,867 What are you talking about? 341 00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:35,700 You tell me. 342 00:13:35,733 --> 00:13:37,967 Is there someone else? 343 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,667 Brooke... 344 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,067 Don't be ridiculous. 345 00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:46,133 Who could I possibly find that's hotter than my Brookey-bear? 346 00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,367 That is a good point. 347 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,167 Brooke, you've been under a lot of stress, 348 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:54,500 but this event is a huge success. 349 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:55,933 Try to enjoy it, huh? 350 00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:57,700 It's your night. 351 00:13:57,733 --> 00:14:01,433 [applause] 352 00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:04,800 All right, looking thinner already. 353 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:10,567 So, can I take you to dinner sometime? 354 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,767 Sure. How about tonight? 355 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,500 Done. What're you in the mood for? 356 00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:15,900 Um...Mexican. 357 00:14:15,933 --> 00:14:18,333 There's kinda this thing I have to go to. 358 00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:19,400 Wanna be my plus one? 359 00:14:19,433 --> 00:14:21,067 Uh, okay. 360 00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:22,067 What is it? 361 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:23,167 Um... 362 00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:26,067 (all) Happy birthday! 363 00:14:26,067 --> 00:14:28,433 Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late. 364 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:31,567 This is Elliot. We just banged. 365 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:33,800 Whoo-hoo, yeah, girl. 366 00:14:36,533 --> 00:14:37,533 Those things are real. 367 00:14:37,567 --> 00:14:38,567 Power to you, babe. Those look great. 368 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:39,800 Hey, we need to talk. 369 00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:42,067 Uh, yeah, no kidding. 370 00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:43,567 What the hell is going on? 371 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,133 Jill is being weird to me. 372 00:14:45,167 --> 00:14:47,133 Brooke is cross examining me. 373 00:14:47,167 --> 00:14:48,433 Did you say something? 374 00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,767 You don't like it, next time, keep it in your pants. 375 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,867 Shh. What the-- Shut the hell up. 376 00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:54,900 No, no, you arrogant little prick. 377 00:14:54,933 --> 00:14:58,533 I have been changing your diapers since I was 13. 378 00:14:58,567 --> 00:15:01,167 I'm done. I quit. 379 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,633 You can wipe your own ass this time. 380 00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:05,867 [disbelieving laughter] Fine, quit. 381 00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:08,967 The only reason I hired you in the first place 382 00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:12,400 is because I felt sorry for you. 383 00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:13,900 Oh. 384 00:15:13,933 --> 00:15:15,933 [crowd gasping] - Sh*á! 385 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,833 You son of a-- 386 00:15:19,867 --> 00:15:20,933 [concerned murmuring] 387 00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,400 Come on, tough guy, come on. 388 00:15:22,433 --> 00:15:24,633 You hit like a girl, you sack of sh*á. 389 00:15:24,667 --> 00:15:26,800 Oh, my God. 390 00:15:26,833 --> 00:15:28,100 Guys, guys, break it up. 391 00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:29,667 - You're so dead! - Anderson! 392 00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:32,267 Back off! This is none of your business. 393 00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:34,067 That's no way to speak to your mother. 394 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:35,067 Thank you, Ronaldo. 395 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,300 Oh, the famous Ronaldo. 396 00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:38,500 Yes. 397 00:15:38,533 --> 00:15:42,067 Ronaldo is my lover. 398 00:15:42,067 --> 00:15:44,633 - What? - You heard me. 399 00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:46,633 That's right, boys. 400 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:49,167 Mama's getting her kicks for once. 401 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,467 And, Anderson, you should be ashamed of yourself. 402 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:54,433 All due respect, Mother, you do not know the whole story. 403 00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:57,500 Oh, are you referring to the assistant that Lex is bedding? 404 00:15:57,533 --> 00:15:58,500 [crowd gasps] 405 00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:01,233 [microphone feedback] 406 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,067 (Brooke) No one else, huh, Lex? 407 00:16:11,533 --> 00:16:13,400 I know, I know, they're fixing the goodie-bags. 408 00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:15,467 Please don't kill me. 409 00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:19,200 What's going on? 410 00:16:19,233 --> 00:16:22,600 Even I could not have seen this coming. 411 00:16:25,467 --> 00:16:26,467 What're we doing here? 412 00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,600 We're dancing, right? 413 00:16:28,633 --> 00:16:31,900 We're having fun. We're dancing. 414 00:16:31,933 --> 00:16:33,200 Let's dance. 415 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:40,200 By everyone, actually. 416 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,367 I mean, if Candace and Andy knew, 417 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,933 then how many other people knew? 418 00:16:44,967 --> 00:16:50,300 You didn't, right? 419 00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:51,467 You knew? 420 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:53,533 I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do. 421 00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:54,700 It wasn't my place. 422 00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:58,067 Since when do you care about being appropriate? 423 00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:01,600 You wore black to all my kids' christenings. 424 00:17:01,633 --> 00:17:03,067 I thought we were friends, 425 00:17:03,067 --> 00:17:06,067 but apparently you just enjoy humiliating me. 426 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:09,400 Enjoy it? I have not slept since I found out. 427 00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:14,333 I have been vomitocious. It's coming out both ends. 428 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,067 I made you. 429 00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:20,067 You were a creepy, goth, loner mom with no friends 430 00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:24,500 until I took you under my wing, and this is how you repay me? 431 00:17:24,533 --> 00:17:26,867 I'm sorry your husband cheated on you, 432 00:17:26,900 --> 00:17:28,733 but you did not make me. 433 00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:30,067 You manipulated me, 434 00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:32,767 the way you manipulate everyone to get your way. 435 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,633 You wanted to hang out with me. 436 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:39,233 Without me, your only friend is that poor, barren girl 437 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,800 who lives in the slums. 438 00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:43,500 Are you talking about Vanessa? 439 00:17:43,533 --> 00:17:45,567 Okay, I'm out of here. 440 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,867 And by the way, childhood obesity is a real problem, 441 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:53,233 but so is your bullsh*á charity. 442 00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:54,267 [shrieks] 443 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,400 [crowd gasps] 444 00:17:56,433 --> 00:17:59,400 You lunatic! 445 00:17:59,433 --> 00:18:03,600 Don't forget the silent auction, everyone. 446 00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,200 Oh, my God. 447 00:18:05,233 --> 00:18:06,500 Sorry, I couldn't hold back. 448 00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:09,367 No, it's okay. I'm glad you didn't, sweetie. 449 00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,667 It's your family. Now what? 450 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:14,467 Honey, we are our family. 451 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,733 And we are gonna be fine. 452 00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:21,400 I love you, Duckie Weber. 453 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,767 I love you, Jill Ringwald. 454 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,067 I would hug you but you look very sticky. 455 00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:28,967 I know. I have to go. 456 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:30,633 Of course, go. 457 00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:31,967 Go! 458 00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:34,167 (emcee) I guess girls really do just wanna have fun. 459 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:39,167 [mariachi music] 460 00:18:42,733 --> 00:18:44,833 Please be happy I'm here. 461 00:18:44,867 --> 00:18:48,600 Is this real Jill or your avatar? 462 00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:51,200 Vaness, I've been such a dickhole. 463 00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:52,933 Those bitches aren't my friends. 464 00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:56,833 You and simple carbohydrates are my only real friends. 465 00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:59,867 I love you. Can you ever forgive me? 466 00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:01,900 Come here. 467 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:04,633 You guys, this is my best friend, Jill. 468 00:19:04,667 --> 00:19:06,100 She just came from a prom. 469 00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:07,400 (all) Hi, Jill. 470 00:19:07,433 --> 00:19:10,267 Hey, Jill. Was the prom theme Carrie? 471 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,800 Is it that obvious? 472 00:19:11,833 --> 00:19:14,433 I basically told Brooke to go "eff" herself 473 00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:17,133 and she didn't take it very well. 474 00:19:17,167 --> 00:19:19,833 That's the best birthday present you could have given me. 475 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,733 We were just toasting the big news. 476 00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:22,733 What news? 477 00:19:22,767 --> 00:19:24,367 Elliot! Hi. 478 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:25,500 Hi. 479 00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:28,433 So, something crazy went down tonight. 480 00:19:28,467 --> 00:19:29,900 Was that something Elliot? 481 00:19:29,933 --> 00:19:33,767 No, well, yes--but also, something else. 482 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,100 Oh, my God. 483 00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,800 I bought an apartment! 484 00:19:36,833 --> 00:19:39,067 In the East Vil, on the prettiest block. 485 00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:40,700 Oh, my God, mazel tov. 486 00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:41,767 Two beds? 487 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,133 - Nope. One. - One? But what if? 488 00:19:45,167 --> 00:19:47,633 Forget what ifs. I can't wait to see it. 489 00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:49,133 I'm so excited. 490 00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:51,067 To Vanessa! 491 00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:54,300 [cheering] 492 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,400 Our last milkshakes here. 493 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,833 And gay bagels. 494 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,300 It's the end of an era. 495 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:04,533 Well, the good news is, 496 00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,133 at this time next week, 497 00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:09,267 all the fembots will have hopped the sh*áney, 498 00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,933 or Uber-choppered out to the beach. 499 00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:14,500 It will be a ghost town here this summer. 500 00:20:14,533 --> 00:20:18,067 There will be tumbleweeds blowing across Madison Avenue. 501 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,833 I love how you don't exagerate at all. 502 00:20:20,867 --> 00:20:22,233 Have you been paying attention? 503 00:20:22,267 --> 00:20:24,667 I can't exagerate anything up here. 504 00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:28,633 It will be like a neutron bomb just fell on the whole zipcode. 505 00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:30,567 I can't wait to be bored. 506 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,700 You stir up way too much trouble to ever be bored. 507 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,000 Who, moi? 508 00:20:36,033 --> 00:20:38,367 Hey, I had an idea 509 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,067 for a new shop called "Bloat." 510 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:44,233 It's a combo milkshake and colonics bar. 511 00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:46,233 And they take the ice cream and they just stick it 512 00:20:46,267 --> 00:20:47,300 right in your "ayn." 513 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:49,400 - Right up there? - Yeah. 514 00:20:49,433 --> 00:20:50,933 (Jill) It's a million dollar idea. 515 00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,533 It's gonna be on the NASDAQ, gonna be on the stock ticker. 516 00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,867 - B-L-T. - I love it. 517 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:58,233 (Jill) I could be an entrepreneur. 518 00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:12,300 [echoing] Hello? 519 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,100 Is it September yet? 520 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:25,633 For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com. 521 00:21:25,667 --> 00:21:26,633 [seagulls squawking] 522 00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,667 (child) Oh, dear.