1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,971 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,975 [phone chimes] 3 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,945 [upbeat music] 4 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:14,048 "We are pleased to invite your son, Henry Portman, 5 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,617 to join Collegiate's Kindergarten class." 6 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,618 Yes! 7 00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:21,189 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 8 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,590 * 9 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,358 [women cheering] 10 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,927 * 11 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:27,995 (Marisa) What? 12 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,430 BJ didn't get in? 13 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,365 But I had two trustees call 14 00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:34,435 and one of them built the science lab! 15 00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:35,669 Ugh! 16 00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,538 Sh*á! Sh*á! Sh*á! 17 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,173 God damn it! 18 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:40,174 Aah! 19 00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,610 Please be a yes. Please be a yes. 20 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,412 Come on, come on. 21 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,580 Oh, my God! 22 00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,816 * Hey, yes, you know 23 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:52,086 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 24 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,927 Breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth. 25 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,130 Hey, we've got two more rejections from Trinity, 26 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,364 three from Morace Mann. 27 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,532 One hypertensive, one panic attack, 28 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,200 and an antidepressant/diet pill interaction. 29 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:09,470 [phone ringing] Okay. 30 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:12,806 You know there's this thing called public school, right? 31 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,608 [sighs] 32 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:18,412 (Hazel, Dottie, Miles) You've reached Aunt Vanessa. Leave a message! 33 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,548 [beep] Dottie just got into Caldecott! 34 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,783 That's like kiddie-Harvard. 35 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,653 Yay! Yes! 36 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,321 Oh, my God! 37 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:29,590 Oh, yes, yes. 38 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:30,858 Call me back. 39 00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:34,562 * 40 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:41,001 Dottie got into Caldecott and Miles got into Olmstead? 41 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,536 That is amazing. 42 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:43,637 Yeah. 43 00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,038 Our girls will be at the same school, 44 00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,607 and so will our boys. 45 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,876 Right. I almost forgot. 46 00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:53,614 Anyway, I am so glad that you could be my pick up person. 47 00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:57,218 And remember, nobody knows about the surgery. 48 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,587 Got it. My lips are sealed. 49 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,422 How's your cooter? 50 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:05,793 My doctor says, I am anatomically a virgin again. 51 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:08,028 Lex and I really needed this, 52 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,029 if you know what I mean. 53 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,599 I don't, but whatever works. 54 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,834 So, what was going on with Rutherford when I called? 55 00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:16,036 Oh, you are not gonna believe this. 56 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,772 I know Santa isn't real. 57 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:23,444 The thing I'm most disappointed in is the lying. 58 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,445 What? 59 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,514 Did Shipley or MacCallister tell him? 60 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,582 No, they still believe. 61 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,452 And now Rutherford is demanding a second birthday every year 62 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:32,686 to keep his mouth shut. 63 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,888 He will go far in this world. 64 00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,224 Just what I need. 65 00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,859 Three weeks out from NACHO. 66 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:40,428 You mean two weeks. 67 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:42,095 No. Three. 68 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,431 Didn't I tell you? 69 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:47,235 I pushed the date so de Blasio and Chirlane could come. 70 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:51,305 And so I could re-lose my virginity on prom night. 71 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,407 My doctor said I'll be healed by then. 72 00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,008 - [scoffs] - What? 73 00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:57,611 That's the same night as Vanessa's 40th birthday. 74 00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:58,746 Bummer. 75 00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,948 I am so screwed. 76 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,851 Oh. Jill. 77 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:06,954 Of course you want to be at your best friend's party. 78 00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,756 But Vanessa's a doctor. 79 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:12,260 And if anyone understands how many obese little lives 80 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,862 are hanging in the balance, it's her. 81 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:15,863 [phone chimes] 82 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:16,930 [upbeat music] 83 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,065 Are you late for something? 84 00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,733 No, I'm fine. 85 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:23,637 * 86 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:27,541 Aww, Jill, I'm so grateful to you for picking me up. 87 00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,277 Every woman should have a confidant 88 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,144 she doesn't have to impress. 89 00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:34,315 That seems to be my specialty. 90 00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,116 Where's that Moshe? 91 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,986 Why couldn't he pick up cigarettes during my procedure? 92 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:42,956 So, Candace, new hair, new pair, 93 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,494 is there something or someone you want to tell me about? 94 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,997 Well, aren't you the little sleuth. 95 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:53,100 In fact, I have taken a lover. 96 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,167 What? 97 00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:58,005 - Who is he? - All in due time. 98 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,841 Oh, I have a surprise. 99 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,377 Go on, open it. 100 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,580 I want you to take my place at the hat luncheon this Friday. 101 00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,749 My breasts will still be resting up. 102 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,051 Oh, wow, I have to check my calendar. 103 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:15,789 Jill, this luncheon raises over $12 million for charity. 104 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,859 This is the most important philanthropic event 105 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,394 for the entire social season. 106 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,530 You don't check your calendar. 107 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:25,866 You accept the honor and you go. 108 00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,969 Is it crazy that I kind of wanna go? 109 00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:30,938 After all these years mocking it, 110 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:34,775 I'm secretly dying to see what goes on at the hat lunch. 111 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:38,245 So go. There are worse things than a $3,000 a plate lunch 112 00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:40,481 in Central Park that someone else is paying for. 113 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,916 Right? It's only lunch. 114 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,117 There better be bread. 115 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:46,587 [phone chimes] 116 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,155 I guess I'm going. 117 00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:51,158 [rock music] 118 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:56,730 * 119 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:57,865 What's in the bag? 120 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,200 Oh, nothing. School project. 121 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:03,070 So, your fiesta. 122 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,573 What do you think about doing something late-ish, like 9:00? 123 00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:08,376 Ugh, I'm turning 40, not 25. 124 00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:11,011 You parent people think it's your kids making you tired, 125 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,446 but it's just old age. 126 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:16,183 I get exhausted walking home from the liquor store. 127 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,586 Okay, don't hate me, 128 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:22,022 but the NACHO gala is now the same night as your party, 129 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,957 and I'm vice chair. 130 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:27,060 I know, "vice chair." What does that even mean? 131 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,929 It's okay, I'll just do the rule of three. 132 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,297 What's that again? 133 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,400 It's that trick I do when I wanna ditch a party early. 134 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,234 I just put myself in front of the hostess 135 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,969 three separate times. 136 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,806 Whoo-hoo! Party rockin'! 137 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,574 So sh*áfaced. 138 00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,043 And then, no matter how early I bail, 139 00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,878 she'd swear I closed the place down. 140 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,046 Works every time. 141 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,048 Okay, you have to patent that. 142 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,116 I have. 143 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,018 Anyway, I'll just be a little late 144 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,286 and a lot overdressed to Tortilla Flats. 145 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,655 But I will be there. 146 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:59,292 Or, crazy idea, skip NACHO since it's just a tax-free way 147 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,162 of bullying husky kids into eating disorders. 148 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,164 - Right? - You know what? 149 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,433 I'll make it work. 150 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,900 We've wasted too much time on it, anyway. 151 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,102 Oh, hey, on Friday my shift ends at noon. 152 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,705 Wanna try that weird empanada place on Third, 153 00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,173 then do bad movie Friday? 154 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,175 Um, shoot, I can't, 155 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,578 I have this annoying kid errand. 156 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,079 [sighs] That was gonna be my excuse 157 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:20,448 to not go running. 158 00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:21,949 I could run your errands with you. 159 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,652 Oh, no, I wouldn't subject you. 160 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:25,653 Snooze fest. 161 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:26,654 [laughs softly] 162 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:29,657 [upbeat music] 163 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:33,160 * 164 00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:34,962 (Jill) These eyelashes. 165 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,098 I feel like a silent movie star with a touch of slut. 166 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,500 [laughs] 167 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:43,937 And for my nails, can I get one coat of hot tub harlot 168 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:47,107 and one coat of Vienna Bordello? 169 00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,210 And Jill, you might wanna lose the black. 170 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,179 This is the hat luncheon after all. 171 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:55,983 All right, I'll try... Tinker Bell's labia. 172 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,651 When in Rome. 173 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,887 So, Brooke, about the NACHO prom. 174 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,822 Ugh, I'm so glad you reminded me. 175 00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,658 I've put you in charge of the three Cs. 176 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:07,027 Candid photography, the crowning ceremony-- 177 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,395 (Jill) Wait, rewind. 178 00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:10,964 I thought you booked a major photographer to cover the event. 179 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,332 Of course, Patrick McMullen. 180 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:16,570 But your eye will catch quirky moments that no one else could. 181 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,972 The third C is for comic relief, 182 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:21,108 which is what I expect from your speech 183 00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,544 when you crown the king and queen of prom, 184 00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,845 closing the night. 185 00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:26,279 [sighs] 186 00:07:26,313 --> 00:07:28,015 (Brooke) Simone, what the hell? 187 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,349 (Simone) Sorry I'm late. 188 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:32,285 I had the worst morning with little Sebastian. 189 00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:34,254 I know the tooth fairy isn't real. 190 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,056 The jig is up, Mom. 191 00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:39,392 Oh, my God. The same thing just happened to me with Rutherford. 192 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,562 - Did he say who told him? - Yes. 193 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,563 It was Beatrix. 194 00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:43,897 [gasps] 195 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:47,535 Well, someone else must be filling Beatrix's head 196 00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:49,637 because she's refusing to take a bath. 197 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,104 According to my nanny. 198 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:55,308 I'll get in that bath once the global water crisis ends. 199 00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,946 That's weird, Miles is suddenly worried about hate crimes. 200 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,148 Anti-Semitism is on the rise. 201 00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:03,350 It's like the 1930s all over again. 202 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:05,352 Do I need a female circumcision? 203 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,821 Why is the middle class disappearing? 204 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,557 Are we the middle class? 205 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:13,126 Someone is stealing our children's innocence 206 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,829 and replacing it with the truth. 207 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,699 Or, some kid just walked by that paranoid dude with a bullhorn 208 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:22,369 outside Fairway. 209 00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:25,639 I just sent an email blast to the entire school. 210 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:29,577 We are gonna smoke this bad seed right out of the soil. 211 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:30,578 (woman) Ladies... 212 00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:31,579 [classical music] 213 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:33,581 * Hallelujah-lelujah 214 00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,115 - [gasps] - Oh! 215 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,384 * Hallelujah-lelujah 216 00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,187 [gasps] They're breathtaking. 217 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,455 So, Brooke, back to the NACHO prom. 218 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,692 What if we did the crowning ceremony at the beginning 219 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:45,693 of the night? 220 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:46,894 Like, right away. 221 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,161 Oh, don't be ridiculous. 222 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,831 Everybody knows the king and queen get crowned 223 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,266 at the end of the night. 224 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,368 I am so excited. 225 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:58,171 [laughter] 226 00:08:58,205 --> 00:08:59,206 [sighs] 227 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:07,280 * 228 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,315 Lex? 229 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,417 Oh, hey, bro. 230 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,685 I'm sorry, were you napping? 231 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:14,454 Uh, no, no, I just, um, mediating. 232 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:17,024 I'm meditating. Meditatting-meditating. 233 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,358 So, listen real quick. 234 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,994 I was going over the plans for the Kyrgyzstan expansion 235 00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,930 and we can't use the name Fortune Bagel over there 236 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:24,331 Oh... 237 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,766 'Cause it turns out in the primary Kyrgyz dialect, 238 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:28,535 bagel means parasite. 239 00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,103 Nice, yeah. 240 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,672 Well, now I'm just a little worried that we'll create 241 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,641 some brand confusion. We don't want people thinking 242 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,209 we're selling lucky tapeworms or something. 243 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:38,445 Yeah, oh, God. 244 00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,280 Well, we just need to come up with a new name. 245 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,649 You know what, uh,... 246 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:44,417 why don't you just pick out the name yourself, my man? 247 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,253 I trust you. [chuckles] 248 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,354 Thanks. 249 00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,889 I'm gonna start thinking of names. 250 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,358 - Yeah. - I'll run some by clearances. 251 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:54,327 Talk soon. 252 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,930 I'm Hercules. 253 00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,666 [applause] 254 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:00,668 (chairwoman) Good afternoon, ladies. 255 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:05,639 It's hard to believe that some dogs will never taste elk jerky 256 00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:08,141 or sleep on a featherbed. 257 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:12,145 At night, on the streets, these canines will shiver 258 00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:14,447 without the comfort of a sweater. 259 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:18,485 But Dog Day Afternoon is here to say no more. 260 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,054 [applause] 261 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,991 My phone is blowing up. 262 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:27,160 Ebola, riots, Elf on the Shelf. 263 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,229 The truth is spreading like a virus. 264 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:33,233 And our biggest doggone donor award goes to... 265 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,568 Candace Von Weber. 266 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,371 [applause] 267 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,873 Help. What do I do? 268 00:10:39,907 --> 00:10:40,941 I'm sitting in her place. 269 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,977 Just smile, and accept it on her behalf. 270 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:50,951 Thank you. 271 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,253 Hi, I'm Jill Weber. 272 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:56,589 Um, if, um, my mother-in-law Candace were here today, 273 00:10:56,623 --> 00:11:00,828 she would say, Jill, you do look terrible in pink. 274 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,095 [laughs] 275 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:03,563 [coughing] 276 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:08,068 Um, but Candance has never met an award she didn't like. 277 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:11,872 And she's been so generous and loves dogs so much 278 00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:15,242 that she actually morphs into a Jewish mother around them. 279 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:17,144 Eat, eat, you're too thin. 280 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,779 [laughter] 281 00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:21,114 She's not even like that with her grandchildren, people. 282 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,350 [laughter] 283 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:27,354 But seriously, we owe all our gratitude to this organization. 284 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,891 for caring for the most vulnerable New Yorkers, 285 00:11:30,924 --> 00:11:34,995 not counting the homeless or children or the elderly. 286 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,564 But hats off to you, dog owners, 287 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,767 because I can barely take care of my kids. 288 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,602 [laughter] 289 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:46,206 Okay, in closing, I just would like to add... 290 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,208 [barks] 291 00:11:48,241 --> 00:11:50,110 That's dog for thank you very much. 292 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,544 I love you New York City. 293 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,614 Tip your servers, try the alcohol, I'll be here all week. 294 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:55,615 Okay. 295 00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,951 [applause] 296 00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:01,688 (chairwoman) Thank you for that very unexpected comic relief, 297 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:02,856 Jill Weber. 298 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,192 Where have you been hiding yourself? 299 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,527 Enjoy your lunch, ladies. 300 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,662 Oh, my God, I'm sweating buckets. 301 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:11,832 My pits are dripping. 302 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,500 [laughs] 303 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:15,368 Yeah. That was cute. 304 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:18,405 Uh, we might want to work on tone before NACHO. 305 00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,809 That's a much more serious cause. 306 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,176 Back to the crisis, ladies. 307 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,879 I have been getting lots of supportive emails 308 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,681 but no real leads on a culprit. 309 00:12:28,715 --> 00:12:32,986 Think. Who is the most smugly informed parent that we know? 310 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:35,823 Well, don't look at me. 311 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,059 We're a no news family. No TV, no paper. 312 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,361 No Access Hollywood, nothing. 313 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,831 We cut out all the photos on the front pages of the Times 314 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,265 before the kids wake up. 315 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,835 Whenever we run into Jon Stewart in Turks and Caicos 316 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:49,837 we talk about everything but the news. 317 00:12:49,837 --> 00:12:52,339 Okay, I understand the world is a dangerous place, 318 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:58,178 but isn't it our job as parents to prepare the kids for it? 319 00:12:58,211 --> 00:12:59,412 Hey, it wasn't me. 320 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,850 I can barely handle the news today. 321 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,284 Then we agree. 322 00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:08,555 We have to hunt down this truth fairy and put a stop to this. 323 00:13:08,588 --> 00:13:11,058 By any means necessary. 324 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,061 [upbeat music] 325 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:17,464 * 326 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,467 [stirring music] 327 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:27,340 * 328 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,575 Jill? 329 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:31,111 Hi. Oh, my God. 330 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,245 Wow. 331 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,480 W... 332 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:42,489 Wow. 333 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,490 Hi. 334 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,226 I'm...sweaty. 335 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:49,129 So, was this the errand that you didn't want to bore me with? 336 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,899 I am so sorry. I was embarrassed. 337 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,634 Candace insisted and... 338 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,169 I just need some normalcy. 339 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,538 Can you please come over tonight? 340 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,673 I-I guess I can stop by. 341 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,775 Oh. Hi, Vanessa. 342 00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,078 You look...runny. 343 00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,713 Just working up a stink. 344 00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,948 How's the new baby? 345 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,482 She's wonderful, 346 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,785 especially now that she has the world's best godmommy. 347 00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:17,057 Wow, you two are like a pair of mad hatters. 348 00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,526 Jill, Bill Cunningham is taking the group photo 349 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,660 over by the fountain. 350 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:24,231 We better head out. So good to see you. 351 00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:26,133 I'll catch up with you guys in a sec. 352 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,368 We really need to go. 353 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,104 - Sorry. - Go. Really. 354 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:34,007 You belong in that photo. 355 00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:36,776 I gotta keep my heart rate up anyway. 356 00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:39,312 Well, you're coming over later, right? 357 00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,714 Vaness? 358 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:44,717 [lively music] 359 00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:48,221 * 360 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,389 (Lex on machine) Lex Von Weber, you know what to do. 361 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,523 [beep] 362 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,825 Lex, just wanted to run some ideas by you 363 00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:54,127 if you haven't left yet. 364 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:56,396 I think I've landed on some good ones. 365 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,731 Call or come visit. 366 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,267 [line ringing] - Hey. 367 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,469 Dana, did you see Lex leave tonight? 368 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,837 (Dana) Uh, no, I haven't. 369 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:05,973 You want me to go look for him? 370 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,440 No, no, no, no. It's late. 371 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,641 You go home. I can do it. 372 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:10,110 - You sure? - I'll see you tomorrow. 373 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,079 - Okay, good night. - Thank you. 374 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:15,082 [rock music] 375 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:17,550 * 376 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,220 [sighs] Really, I am mortified 377 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,621 about before. 378 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:23,756 I was an ass*á*á in about ten different ways. 379 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,026 I'm over it. Mostly. 380 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,628 Hey, I had a radical idea for your party. 381 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:31,731 How about a lunch? 382 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:32,799 I hope you're kidding. 383 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:35,002 What happened to the rule of three? 384 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:38,005 Apparently being vice chair isn't just a title. 385 00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,306 There are actual jobs. 386 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,042 So just go to NACHO. 387 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,310 You can come to my 50th. 388 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:44,577 No. 389 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,213 I'm just saying, can we do a different night? 390 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:47,214 The next night, even? 391 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:48,215 [phone chiming] 392 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,483 Jill, it's fine. 393 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,253 Can I at least pay for it? 394 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,022 Can we pretend you didn't say that? 395 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:57,490 [phone chiming] 396 00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:00,060 Just check it. I know you want to. 397 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,361 No, I'm here with you. 398 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,362 [phone chimes] 399 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,897 Please, for me. 400 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,503 Oh, my God. 401 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,673 Total pre-K existential nightmare. 402 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:17,110 Someone blew the lid off Santa and the tooth fairy 403 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:20,913 and threw in the Sudan and AIDS, and now the whole preschool 404 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,051 is freaking out about "the truth fairy." 405 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,753 They've just hired a grief counselor to help the children 406 00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:28,155 through this traumatic time. 407 00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:31,524 Oh! You don't remember? 408 00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,061 What? 409 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,562 I swear I told you. 410 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,330 The night I babysat. 411 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:41,334 When the kids and I had that great deep talk. 412 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,602 My kids? 413 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:44,871 I'm the truth fairy. 414 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,606 [laughs] 415 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:49,376 Although, I don't remember talking about the Sudan. 416 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,578 Oh, yeah, yeah, I do. 417 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,946 Wait, is this funny to you? 418 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,949 Um, a little, yeah. 419 00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:59,552 Look, your kids had a lot of really smart questions 420 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,754 about life and I answered them. 421 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:05,392 Vaness, I know it seems cool to treat kids like adults, 422 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,494 but you know how these people are. 423 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,530 Are we talking about them or you? 424 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,865 What is that supposed to mean? 425 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:16,569 Jill, you've had your head so far up your sister-in-law's ass, 426 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,571 you don't even realize what's happening to you. 427 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:20,240 You're turning into one of them. 428 00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,908 That is not true. 429 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:24,911 Oh, my--don't make me go down the list. 430 00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:30,283 Sip n' See Host, NACHO Vice Chair, godmommy. 431 00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:31,551 And blowing me off? 432 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,786 More than once? 433 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,122 Like, can you just admit 434 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:37,390 you're actually enjoying all this stuff? 435 00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:41,128 I-I think I'd respect you more if you did. 436 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,030 Cut me a break. It's Andy's family. 437 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,698 I mean, if I piss them off... 438 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:49,001 But it's okay to piss me off? 439 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,770 [sighs] 440 00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,140 Remember that pact we made? 441 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:56,743 You said, if I ever saw you at one of those hat luncheons, 442 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,478 I should kidnap and deprogram you. 443 00:17:58,511 --> 00:17:59,612 Remember that? 444 00:17:59,646 --> 00:18:02,215 That is not what's happening here. 445 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:03,983 Okay, well. 446 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,953 Keep telling yourself that. 447 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,623 You're just leaving? 448 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:11,891 Yup. 449 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,894 [somber music] 450 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,062 [sighs] 451 00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:17,597 * 452 00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,167 [door opening] 453 00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,168 Lex, hey, I got some-- 454 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,202 [moaning] 455 00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:23,270 - What the...? - Oh, sh*á. 456 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,471 - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Oh, God. 457 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,606 - Oh, my! - Andy! 458 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,375 Andy, hey, Andy. 459 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,742 [rock music] 460 00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:35,448 This is a new low. 461 00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,649 Even for you. 462 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,251 Well, I'm sorry. 463 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,086 Not everybody can be as perfect as you. 464 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,254 I know that's hard to believe. 465 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,424 This is not about me in any way shape or form, Lex. 466 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,725 This is about you. 467 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:49,296 Would you just stop judging me for, like, a minute 468 00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:52,098 and hear me out? 469 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,433 What? 470 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,235 Look. 471 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,938 I love Brooke. I do. 472 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:03,476 But being married to her is like living on an army base. 473 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,212 She's a hard ass. 474 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:08,615 The other night she threw a sh*á fit because I dried my hands 475 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,783 on one of the good towels. 476 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,220 [laughs softly] 477 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,222 You're lucky, man. You have Jill. 478 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,224 Jill's Jill. She's fun. 479 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,692 Jill is Jill. I'll give you that. 480 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,561 But marriage is work. 481 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,430 See, that's just the thing. 482 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,798 When I go home, Brooke is the boss. 483 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,234 It's like I'm walking on eggshells. 484 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,870 And then I come here, and there's this laid-back girl 485 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:33,005 and she lets me touch her boobies. 486 00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,641 'Cause she works for you! 487 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,343 You didn't exactly invent the concept 488 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,945 of screwing your secretary. 489 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:41,548 Look... 490 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,816 I regret it. 491 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,485 And I was weak. 492 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,455 And I will never let it happen again. 493 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,490 Okay? 494 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:57,297 [rock music] 495 00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,365 * 496 00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:01,067 Mommy. Mommy. 497 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,101 Mommy. 498 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:03,470 Mommy. 499 00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:04,604 Mommy. 500 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,205 Jill. 501 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,040 Miles, what's going on? 502 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:11,244 I was sliding down a rainbow, then Dora the Explorer 503 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:14,847 set it on fire and kept saying, "Can you say climate change?" 504 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:16,349 Over and over. 505 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,285 Okay, sweetheart. You just had a bad dream. 506 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:23,290 Come here. 507 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:26,259 If there's no magic or fairies and just bad stuff 508 00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:29,061 like diseases and war, what's left? 509 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:31,864 Well, honey, I think there's something even better 510 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,534 than fairies, and that's family. 511 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,069 Is Aunt Vanessa part of our family? 512 00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:41,140 Well, no, but we call her Aunt Vanessa because we love her. 513 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:42,141 A lot. 514 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,277 Then why were you guys fighting tonight? 515 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:48,348 Or were those just grown up play noises like you do with Daddy? 516 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:49,349 You can hear that? 517 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,083 Where is Daddy? 518 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:52,352 He'll be home soon, angel. 519 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,387 But we have to go to sleep, okay? 520 00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:58,124 Good night. I'm rolling over. 521 00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:03,396 Let's face it. 522 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:06,633 It's time to get rid of the electoral college. 523 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,167 Are boogers a carb? 524 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,970 When will my boob jobs grow in? 525 00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:15,007 It all comes down to campaign finance reform. 526 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:18,010 Until then, we're stuck with the status quo. 527 00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:21,948 Given the state of the world today, I'd argue yes. 528 00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:24,417 We still need feminism. 529 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:27,119 (Jill voice-over) For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com 530 00:21:28,154 --> 00:21:29,356 (girl) Oh, dear.