1 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,871 (announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,007 I want to thank each and every one of you 3 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:10,578 for coming out today-- Simone, Stephanie. 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,414 Annabelle, you came all the way from Greenwich. 5 00:00:13,447 --> 00:00:16,850 And I want to thank Jill for heroically swooping in 6 00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:20,088 at the last minute to host my Sip n' See. 7 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:23,824 My mother-in-law Candace was originally supposed to host 8 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:29,063 at her penthouse, which is much larger and not a walk-up, 9 00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:33,033 but she decided that her back hurt too much. 10 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:36,036 We're just grateful that she's still alive 11 00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:39,039 to see her seventh grandchild, Langley. 12 00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:40,508 (all) Aw! 13 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:45,846 Jill, you've truly become... 14 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,449 my touchstone, 15 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,718 - my rock. - Thank you, Brooke. 16 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:53,221 - [sobs] - If you had told me a month ago 17 00:00:53,254 --> 00:00:54,988 that I'd be hosting your Sip n' See, 18 00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,891 I would've said, "what the hell is a Sip n' See?" 19 00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,961 But here we are, sippin' and seein'. 20 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,164 Where is that little nugget Langley anyway? 21 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,365 Asleep. 22 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:10,904 Okay, well, enjoy the Sip n' See. Okay. 23 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,574 * Hey, yes, you know 24 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:17,511 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 25 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:23,151 Talk to me, broha. Are you ready 26 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:27,054 to officially become a full-on Hercules employee? 27 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,789 Oh, I know, I know, I gotta roll over my 401K. 28 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,225 No, no, no, I'm talking about the executive 29 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:32,826 orientation package. 30 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:34,628 The usual starter order, 31 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:35,629 ten custom suits, 32 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,231 - five pairs of shoes. - Oh, no. 33 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,901 It's part of the welcome package for everyone, except assistants. 34 00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,871 Oh. 35 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,374 Well, okay. [laughs] 36 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:47,875 Uh, since I have you, look, let's go over 37 00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,010 these proposed tax amendments on exports to China. 38 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,345 Let's not and say we did. 39 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,482 Your only job right now is becoming Herculean 40 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:55,883 from the outside in. 41 00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:57,185 It's 11:00 a.m. 42 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,920 Not in China it ain't. Gan Bei. 43 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,022 [clinking glasses] 44 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,327 Whoo! That's what I'm talking about. 45 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,830 Kira, remove this man's shirt and his pants. 46 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,966 Candace, oh, is it your back? I have Motrin. 47 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:17,205 Uh, no, no, no, no, I never accept strangers' medication. 48 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,972 I learned that the hard way in Japan 49 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,108 after I popped a pill and woke up the prize 50 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:23,211 in a fan dancing competition. 51 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:27,047 Jill? K-keep taking pictures, please. 52 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,582 And Simone needs a refill. 53 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,818 Absolutely, on it. Okay. 54 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:35,889 Well, I guess I should go check on the baby nurse, 55 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:40,494 and also the baby... Langley. 56 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:47,301 I'm going to say what everybody's thinking. 57 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,136 Langley is a dog's name. 58 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,641 More baby-tinis anyone? (all) Yes. 59 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:54,908 Okay. 60 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:01,382 In love. 61 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,484 Balenciaga. Gap kids. 62 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,923 You ladies are fishies. Okay. 63 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,530 Jared is so into anal right now. 64 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:19,132 I never thought I'd say this, but I miss blowjobs. 65 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:21,068 Mm. my husband's suddenly interested 66 00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,103 in l'autre passage too. 67 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,138 At least I get to hold the remote during anal. 68 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,474 Yeah. 69 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,008 Last week we did it so much, I watched all of The Help. 70 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:32,112 Wait, you guys are taking it in the chocolate starfish? 71 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,146 You're not? 72 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,548 Hell to the no! 73 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,784 There's, like, a Ghostbuster sign back there. 74 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,919 Wait, you've never done anal? 75 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:40,721 Wow, I have a friend at the Style section 76 00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:42,690 that would love to do a story on you. 77 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:45,092 Why am I the last to know about all this hooker stuff 78 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,927 that then becomes wifely duties? 79 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,397 Jill, don't you want your man to have you 80 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:51,465 in every way possible? 81 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,534 I'm pretty sure he's happy 82 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,669 with the 1 1/2 ways I've been offering. 83 00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:56,670 Mm. 84 00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,672 Okay, what are you hens clucking about? 85 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,107 Oh, nothing. 86 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:01,909 Just anal sex. 87 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,377 French third base? 88 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:08,649 I'm very familiar. [laughs] 89 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:12,119 And now, that endless stairwell. 90 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:15,823 Good-bye, girls. 91 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:16,957 [mouthing words] Oh, my God. 92 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,894 [quirky funk music] 93 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,231 [siren blaring] 94 00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:27,234 [sound distorting] 95 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,737 * 96 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,106 [car horn honking] 97 00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,752 Just got the good news. 98 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,920 Rutherford got into McAllister School. 99 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,789 Gotta love early sibling acceptance. 100 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,959 I almost forgot today was sibling notification day. 101 00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,395 I really hope Dottie gets into Hazel's school, 102 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,697 then at least one of my twins will be set. 103 00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,198 She'll get in. 104 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,601 Lynn's kids started masturbating with castanets in her interview, 105 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,470 and she still got into her big sister's school. 106 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:04,372 [phone ringing] 107 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,841 Oh, it's Chloe's school. Yes? She did? 108 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,610 Oh, okay, good, thank you. 109 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,512 [phone ringing] 110 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:12,946 Hello? 111 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,382 Thank you! We're thrilled 112 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:15,949 to have two children at Nightingale. 113 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,050 [phone ringing] 114 00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,185 Oh, my phone. 115 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,787 Ah. 116 00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:21,922 It's Hazel's School. 117 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,259 Hello? Yes, this is she. 118 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:33,133 Oh. Um, okay. 119 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:37,405 Thanks for letting me know. 120 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:40,741 Do you guys want topped-off or any more drinks or it's okay? 121 00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,743 Oh, no! 122 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,412 It's--it's fine. 123 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,313 Sweetie! 124 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:48,416 Oh! 125 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:49,717 Oh. 126 00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,456 [ringtone] 127 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:56,657 Talk to me! 128 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:59,727 "Talk to me?" Okay, we'll deal with that later. 129 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,095 Dottie did not get into Hazel's school. 130 00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:03,163 What? 131 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,598 No way. 132 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:06,700 Wait, am I on speaker? Is that Lex? 133 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,001 Do you guys need some privacy? 134 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:10,738 Because that, like, really blows. 135 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:13,774 No, I should get back to the party. 136 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,310 [ringtone] 137 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,913 Hey. Aren't you hosting that slip and slide thing right now? 138 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,783 It's a Sip n' See, and yes, that's why I'm calling. 139 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,251 I'm beyond miz. 140 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,286 Ugh, I begged you not to do this. 141 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,589 I didn't have a choice. Brooke was literally weeping 142 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,091 into the phone when Candace bailed on hosting. 143 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,761 I was trying to be polite. I didn't think she'd accept. 144 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,929 So what's so horrible? Is she lobbing 145 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,331 passive aggressive grenades about your fridge again? 146 00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:39,933 No, she's been bizarro warm 147 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,169 ever since I delivered her baby. 148 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,472 But she just smothered me with pity hugs 149 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:48,175 when I told her that Dottie didn't get into Hazel's School. 150 00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,478 What? I'm gonna egg that place. 151 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:54,682 Thanks, but my point is that Brooke is a master manipulator. 152 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,216 She's not a real friend. 153 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,619 I mean, it's like 7th grade all over again, 154 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,622 when Shawna Goldstone decided we were BFFs so she could 155 00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:04,725 copy my homework and steal frozen Kit Kats from my house. 156 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:08,228 Jill, you have a real BFF who only copied your homework once, 157 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,631 that time I tried to do my own taxes. 158 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,766 It was so much easier when Brooke treated me 159 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,334 like gum on her shoe. 160 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:18,005 I mean, now I actually care what she thinks of me. Why? 161 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,907 Honey, please don't go off the deep end about this. 162 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,075 Just get through the party, keep your sense of humor, 163 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,044 and put the cake down. Okay? I gotta go. 164 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,680 Love you. 165 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:32,385 How did she know I was eating cake? 166 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,588 Thank you, Akira. 167 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:35,756 And now... 168 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:40,661 for the final step in your Herculean makeover, 169 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:45,332 Melody, Andy. Andy, Melody. 170 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,145 [door opening] - Betty, people are asking-- 171 00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,947 Brooke, there you are. 172 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:04,184 Betty had to use the bathroom. I said I'd cover. 173 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,987 Oh, well, everyone's dying to see baby Langley. 174 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,556 Look at that face! 175 00:08:08,556 --> 00:08:10,991 You mean that acne. It's like I'm looking 176 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,393 at Bill Gates' 9th grade yearbook photo. 177 00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,763 I wish I could just store her away 178 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:20,267 and pick her up in five months, like my winter furs. 179 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,202 Just get her away from me. 180 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:26,206 You can let people see her, but be quick about it. 181 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,577 Here, put this hat on her. 182 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,780 There we go, just like that. 183 00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:34,715 Okay, don't want to smother your newborn, so-- 184 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:37,050 Oh, no, no, no, you're fine. A little lower. 185 00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,186 Okay, I just don't want her to suffocate. 186 00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,354 It's okay, much better. 187 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:45,025 Okay. Who wants to meet baby Langley? 188 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:47,060 (all) Aw! 189 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:55,235 Well, thanks for coming. Whoo! 190 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:59,873 I guess all I have left to do is clean up this war zone. 191 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:06,379 [sobs] 192 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:11,184 I'm sorry. I'm thinking about Langley. 193 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:14,321 Her hair is coming in brown. 194 00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:15,623 No offense. 195 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:17,124 Listen, a lot of women 196 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:20,628 go through post partum depression, even celebrities. 197 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:22,696 Actually, especially celebrities. 198 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:23,897 And me. 199 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,967 I was like a fountain soda machine of tears and snot 200 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,369 after the twins, and then I got help. 201 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,204 Maybe this will cheer you up. 202 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:33,741 Candace basically announced to the whole party 203 00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,342 that she's done anal. 204 00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,409 Who hasn't? 205 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,111 Me! 206 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:40,313 I've had poos that make me weep. 207 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,415 Lex and I don't even use the other hole. 208 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,852 Not that we've had sex since the baby. 209 00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,054 But this is Candace we're talking about. 210 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,657 By the way, did she seem a little out of it to you? 211 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:50,891 Please. She should win 212 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,226 a daytime Emmy for that "sore back, 213 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,929 I'm suddenly old and crippled" routine. 214 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:58,699 The woman is a raging narcissist. 215 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:01,101 I can spot 'em a mile away. 216 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,871 She just couldn't stand to have a day that was all about me. 217 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:06,173 And Langley. 218 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,041 Right. 219 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:09,710 Candace is fine. 220 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:16,416 Wow, Barbara Walters really isn't handling retirement well. 221 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,093 [phone ringing] 222 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,961 Mrs. Von Weber. 223 00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,930 It's me, Jill's friend Vanessa. 224 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,800 We met at the wedding. 225 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,335 And Miles' Bris. 226 00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,304 And all of their birthday parties. 227 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:38,906 - Victoria! - No. 228 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,874 What are you doing here dressed like a doctor? 229 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:45,345 Oh, it's Vanessa, and I am a doctor. 230 00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:48,782 Oh. Oh, this says you're a vagrant 231 00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,819 ODing on what looks like three Vicodin 232 00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,653 and enough alcohol to sterilize a subway car. 233 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:54,654 What happened? 234 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,390 I injured my back whilst making love... 235 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:59,059 with my lover. 236 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:02,362 That's right, I'm in love, with a lover. 237 00:11:02,395 --> 00:11:04,431 - Um-- - And we make love. 238 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:06,900 Okay, and is that where the painkillers came in? 239 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,402 Yes, and I may have had too many spirits 240 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,039 at Jill's apartment, but I had to drink, 241 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,407 or I'd think of my grandchildren sharing a room 242 00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:16,409 and I'd get emotional. 243 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:17,911 I have to go. 244 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,213 Oh, there's no way you can stand 245 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,815 with that much gin in your blood. 246 00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:24,651 Also for an OD, we can't release you without a psych consult, 247 00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,187 so sleep this off while you wait for a-- 248 00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,189 Ooh. 249 00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:31,759 Okay, that's good. 250 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,598 - Hi, guys. - Hey. 251 00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,000 You hangin' in there? 252 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,770 Yeah, there may not be a place for Dottie in kindergarten, 253 00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:45,405 but there's a place for her in heaven. 254 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,307 My daughter's alive. 255 00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,810 She just didn't get into Hazel's school. 256 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:51,444 It's not the end of the world, guys. 257 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:52,913 That's the spirit. 258 00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,082 (Stephanie) It is just so sad. (Simone) It's so sad. 259 00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,387 That woman you sent. 260 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,790 Oh, she give you the, uh, full treatment there? 261 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:06,827 It's not funny and it can't ever happen again ever. 262 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,395 How am I supposed to explain this to Jill? 263 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,898 This is all part of the good life, bro. 264 00:12:10,931 --> 00:12:13,901 You'll get used to it. 265 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,271 Still no psych resident? 266 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:22,142 Just sitting here like an immigrant on ObamaCare. 267 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:29,482 Valerie, forgot how times have changed and your kind can marry. 268 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:30,818 Who's the lucky lady? 269 00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:33,053 Not gay, not married. 270 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,721 I've just been wearing this here lately 271 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,324 because drunk dudes facing their own mortality 272 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:41,161 find me irresistible. It's just easier if I'm married. 273 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,563 I never found anything easier when I was married. 274 00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,333 Wait, didn't your husband die in a tragic accident? 275 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:47,734 Yes. You know, 276 00:12:47,835 --> 00:12:51,071 he wanted to go swimming with great white sharks 277 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,840 and got eaten by one of them. 278 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:56,844 And don't you dare tell Jill this, but every year, 279 00:12:56,877 --> 00:13:00,347 on our anniversary, I watch Jaws, 280 00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,850 and I laugh my ass off. 281 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:04,952 [both laughing] - Okay. 282 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:06,019 [phone ringing] 283 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:08,721 Excuse me just a minute, I have to take this. 284 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:10,123 Dr. Wrigley. 285 00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,860 Hey, what's the haps? You're four minutes late. 286 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:17,164 Yes, there's been a delay, but I can be there momentarily. 287 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,567 Oh. Oh, code. Celebrity patient? 288 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,601 Copy that. 289 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:27,307 Was it an actress? 290 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,442 Reality star? 291 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,443 Podcast celebrity? 292 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,578 - I'm not saying. - Come on, 293 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,113 you know everything on that menu. 294 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,314 You're just torturing me. 295 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,682 [text alert] 296 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:38,751 Okay, I just got another batch of emoji hearts from Brooke. 297 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,988 You realize you don't have to instantly respond 298 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,489 to all of her texts and emojis, right? 299 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,457 [text alert] 300 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,659 Now she's putting in a good word at Shipley's School 301 00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,996 and sending us Rutherford's interview coach. 302 00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,932 It's like she's suddenly so into me. 303 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,366 Looks like the feeling is mutual. 304 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,467 [text alert] 305 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,937 Okay, now she just sent frowny faces, 306 00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,306 a gun, and a soft serve sh*รก swirl. 307 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,275 Did I mention she's total post-partum-palooza? 308 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,077 Jill, I'm about to confiscate that. 309 00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:07,014 Okay, okay, sorry, so rude. [exhales] 310 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,449 Have lunch with your phone, babe, I could go. 311 00:14:09,482 --> 00:14:10,951 She just has this power over me. 312 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,519 She's Lucifer in white jeggings. 313 00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,087 Stop feeding the beast. 314 00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,688 You're right. Please forgive. 315 00:14:15,722 --> 00:14:19,927 For the rest of the day, I will be 100% Brooke free. 316 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,094 On my nut sack. 317 00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:24,431 [text alerts] 318 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,666 Thank God you could meet me. 319 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,769 You're the only person I can talk to about this stuff. 320 00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:33,540 I still just feel so distant from Langley. 321 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:37,310 Have you ever considered holding her? 322 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,413 Jill, you're so crunchy. 323 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:43,516 Even breast feeding's atrocious this time around. 324 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,218 It's physically painful. 325 00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:48,188 Okay, I'm the only one that's gonna tell you this, 326 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,958 but if the nursing's making you miserable, ditch it. 327 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:54,327 I can't. I need Langley to be smart, 328 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,862 especially with that face. 329 00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:58,966 I didn't breastfeed my kids and they're smart. 330 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:03,570 God, Jill, I've been so self involved, 331 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,573 I completely forgot all about your issues. 332 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,041 Poor Dottie. 333 00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:10,677 And I'm worried about your sex life. 334 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:11,979 Have you given any more thought 335 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:13,646 to popping your back door cherry? 336 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,582 I don't know if Andy would go for it. 337 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,718 You've had three kids, no C-sections. 338 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,988 Can either of you even feel sex anymore? 339 00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:23,390 Yes, Brooke. We're doing okay. 340 00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:27,760 My point is, Andy will want to try anal. 341 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:30,797 And if he doesn't, then you've got other problems. 342 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,233 Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this, 343 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,669 but any advice for a first timer? 344 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:40,607 Just one word. 345 00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,018 Since when do you sleep in pajamas? 346 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:53,853 Oh, I just felt like it. 347 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,823 Well, I have a surprise for you. 348 00:15:56,856 --> 00:15:59,826 Not sure I can handle a surprise tonight, honey. 349 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:01,928 Ta-da! 350 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,633 I'm offering you my ass virginity. 351 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:10,903 Oh. Um... 352 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,405 No, thank you. 353 00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:15,242 "No, thank you"? I heard it's fun. 354 00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:17,177 Babe, uh, uh... 355 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,811 No means no. [chuckles] 356 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,080 "No means no"? 357 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:21,114 [sighs] 358 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,783 Like, tonight, or no means no forever? 359 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,452 Just not feeling very well. 360 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:27,554 Sorry. 361 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,589 It's fine. 362 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,292 I had a rough day at the office. 363 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:38,765 At last, Sleeping Beauty awakens. 364 00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,667 I said egg whites. 365 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,302 Oh, I'm not room service. 366 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,437 You're still at the hospital. We tried to wake you 367 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:47,074 for your psych eval twice, but we all thought 368 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:50,177 it was safer for everyone if you slept it off. 369 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:52,579 So let's just do this, you and I. Shall we? 370 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,281 [groans] 371 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,984 How often do you think about your own death? 372 00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,252 Daily. 373 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,653 You think about your own death on a daily basis? 374 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,356 Oh, I'm constantly planning my funeral. 375 00:17:03,390 --> 00:17:07,094 It's gonna be at the St. Regis, luncheon immediately following. 376 00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:10,963 And take this down, if anybody serves those frozen mini quiches 377 00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:13,200 I'm gonna rise up out of my coffin and-- 378 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,635 Mrs. Von Weber, we're not party planning. 379 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,004 This is an evaluation for suicide risk. 380 00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:22,575 But that's obviously not your problem. 381 00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:26,113 Darling, it's just that wedding ring. 382 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,615 Plenty of eligible concussed men 383 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,118 must come through that door every day. 384 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:34,221 I just hate to see you cut yourself off from true love. 385 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,988 [laughs] I'm almost 40. 386 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,491 I think I've aged out of the true love fantasy. 387 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:42,129 I'm almost 50 and I found it. 388 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,464 The more of a catch you are, the longer it takes 389 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,666 to be caught, Veronica. 390 00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:49,136 I'm sorry, is it Veronica or Veronique? 391 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,503 Veronique. 392 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:51,771 I thought so. 393 00:17:59,045 --> 00:18:00,380 What's going on with you? 394 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,715 First, you turn down my rear window, 395 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,652 then you hide out in the closet rearranging your ties. 396 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,155 Babe... 397 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,789 It's not you, it's me. 398 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,327 [exhales sharply] 399 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:16,763 [sighs] 400 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,399 What happened to your pubes? 401 00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,934 Were you standing in front of the microwave for too long? 402 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:27,407 I was pressured into a back, sack, and crack wax at work. 403 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,709 Too embarrassed to even look at my own schwantz, 404 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:30,843 let alone show you. 405 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,245 What? 406 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,746 Yeah. 407 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,649 Yeah, everybody at Hercules gets them. 408 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:38,585 Picture that for a second. 409 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,187 Do I have to? 410 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,322 It's supposed to make it look bigger, but I don't know. 411 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,491 What do you think? 412 00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:47,260 I think you need to exfoliate. 413 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,729 [text alert] 414 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,198 Oh, my God, Brooke again. 415 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,666 "We need to talk"? 416 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,035 I know what's coming. She's dumping me. 417 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:57,737 I must have pissed her off somehow. 418 00:18:57,770 --> 00:19:01,241 I'm terrified but excited at the same time. 419 00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:02,775 If you want to dial back the friendship, 420 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,043 why don't you just tell her? 421 00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:07,247 You mean be honest with Brooke about how I feel? 422 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,217 Are you trying to get me killed, Andy? Christ! 423 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:12,084 For the record, she's the reason 424 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,787 I even offered you French third base. 425 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,256 Who calls it that? 426 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:17,557 No one you know. 427 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:23,530 So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. 428 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:26,733 Langley has a hard road ahead of her, 429 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:30,237 with her face and hair, 430 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:33,240 and I have a bad feeling about her teeth. 431 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:38,144 She needs someone to offer her extra guidance and support, 432 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:43,250 someone who understands what it's like to be imperfect. 433 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,418 Okay. And? 434 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:50,056 And you never make me feel bad, and you were so helpful 435 00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:52,925 during my little bout with post partum. 436 00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:55,962 Thank God that's over. [laughs] 437 00:19:58,265 --> 00:20:02,469 Anyway, I'm hoping that you'll be Langley's godmother 438 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:06,273 even though technically, you believe in the wrong god. 439 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:09,442 Of course. I'm legitimately honored. 440 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,812 You're not just family anymore, you're one of my friends. 441 00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:15,748 Also, I have good news. 442 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,618 I ran it by the committee, and you are 443 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:22,088 going to vice-chair my Nacho Gala. 444 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:23,690 I'm sorry, what? 445 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:25,892 New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity, 446 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,260 the charity that I founded. 447 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:29,228 Yeah, I--thank you, but-- 448 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,331 Welcome to the head table. 449 00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,800 Oh. Oh. 450 00:20:35,368 --> 00:20:36,769 [sobs quietly] 451 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,371 [sobs loudly] 452 00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,473 - I don't know what to do! - Totally normal. 453 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,208 It's waves. It comes in waves. 454 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,110 - Oh! - It's okay. 455 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,884 Ready? Are we doing this? 456 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:54,086 I kind of feel like you're cheating on my vag 457 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,889 with my poop chute. Can we have a safe word? 458 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,158 Yeah. Let's just-- 459 00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:01,461 - Mmm, let's just try to relax. - Okay. 460 00:21:01,494 --> 00:21:05,164 Okay, the safe word is "thermos." 461 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:08,200 - Okay. Fine. - Okay. 462 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,604 [sighs] Ow! 463 00:21:11,638 --> 00:21:12,939 Ooh. I'm not even touching you yet. 464 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,807 Sorry, sorry. 465 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,142 Okay, here we go, for real this time. 466 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,711 [breathing sharply] Okay. 467 00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:21,748 Ow. Ow. Ow! 468 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,983 Ow. Thermos! 469 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:27,019 (announcer) For more Odd Mom Out, go to BravoTV.com. 470 00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:32,058 (woman) Left, right, left, right, left, right!