1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,033 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:04,033 --> 00:00:06,967 (Jill) Previously on Odd Mom Out... 3 00:00:06,967 --> 00:00:09,567 I hate schlepping to Brooklyn. 4 00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:11,967 I'm having a total real estate boner. 5 00:00:11,967 --> 00:00:14,400 Andy, I think we belong in Brooklyn. 6 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,667 I'm Elliot, by the way. 7 00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:19,067 Vanessa. 8 00:00:19,067 --> 00:00:21,067 We've had three other bids already. 9 00:00:21,067 --> 00:00:22,433 Four. 10 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:26,367 - Mom! - Dude, I'm ready to go here. 11 00:00:26,367 --> 00:00:28,267 Honey, you seem very tense. 12 00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:30,367 It's because I just drank afterbirth. 13 00:00:30,367 --> 00:00:34,767 Thank you, God, for returning us to this wonderful neighborhood. 14 00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:37,433 So baby number four, good for you. 15 00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:39,833 Thanks, I'm Shamu. 16 00:00:39,833 --> 00:00:44,233 There is a tumor with hair coming out of my assáááá. 17 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:45,567 What is happening? 18 00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:47,967 You're having this baby the natural way. 19 00:00:47,967 --> 00:00:49,367 No! 20 00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,467 [bell jingling] 21 00:00:56,333 --> 00:00:58,333 Do you need shampoo, conditioner, anything? 22 00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,700 Matt? Matt. 23 00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:02,333 Jill. 24 00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:03,700 Jill Kaplan. 25 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,533 Junior year abroad. 26 00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,133 We dated. 27 00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:10,067 We backpacked in Greece and Turkey. 28 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:11,333 Right, right. 29 00:01:11,333 --> 00:01:12,967 Wow. 30 00:01:12,967 --> 00:01:15,067 Sorry. I didn't recognize you. 31 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:19,133 You look different. 32 00:01:19,133 --> 00:01:20,133 Is everything okay? 33 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:26,067 * Hey, yes, you know * 34 00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:29,267 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 35 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:33,500 Brooke? Brooke? 36 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,367 Crystal? 37 00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:37,100 Where is everybody? 38 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:38,833 Brooke, I came as fast as I could. 39 00:01:38,833 --> 00:01:40,867 I had to drop Hazel at a neighbor's. 40 00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:42,100 Brooke? 41 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,900 [swing music] 42 00:01:43,900 --> 00:01:44,967 Brooke? 43 00:01:44,967 --> 00:01:48,267 * * 44 00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:51,067 - Brooke! Oh, thank God. - Shh. 45 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:53,933 I'm concentrating on keeping the baby inside. 46 00:01:53,933 --> 00:01:55,800 I don't think that's gonna work. 47 00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,267 Well, then what should I do? 48 00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,167 I think you should have the baby. 49 00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:00,667 No, no, no. That baby 50 00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:02,567 is not coming out through my Sally-Jane. 51 00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:04,600 This isn't the dark ages. 52 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,800 [groaning] 53 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,267 I think another one's coming, 54 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:10,600 and I'm just not emotionally prepared to have a preemie. 55 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,733 Brooke, it's the day before your scheduled C. 56 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,067 That's not exactly the same thing as having a preemie. 57 00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:16,333 - [groans loudly] - Ow, ow, ow! 58 00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:18,667 Okay, we're gonna get you to the hospital. 59 00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:20,200 Have you called your doctor? 60 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,067 The bitch is in South Hampton, 61 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:24,633 and don't get me started on the ambulance saga. 62 00:02:24,633 --> 00:02:27,100 No one would promise to take me to York Hospital, 63 00:02:27,100 --> 00:02:29,167 and I am a York Hospital girl. 64 00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:31,100 Okay, we're gonna get you in a cab, 65 00:02:31,100 --> 00:02:33,067 and we're gonna get you to York Hospital. 66 00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,067 - Thank you. - We just have to 67 00:02:34,067 --> 00:02:36,067 - walk down the staircase-- - Aah! 68 00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:40,067 I'm not walking anywhere! Aah! 69 00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:42,567 Holy head of hair. 70 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:44,067 What happened to your underwear? 71 00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,133 I took them off after my water broke. 72 00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:47,233 Your water broke? 73 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,300 Were you gonna mention that? 74 00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:51,400 Oh, my God, this baby's coming out. 75 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,900 And you can't tell anyone about this. 76 00:02:54,900 --> 00:02:58,067 In fact, I keep non-disclosure agreements in my top drawer. 77 00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,767 Aah! 78 00:02:59,767 --> 00:03:04,067 Okay, okay, breathe. Breathe. Just breathe. 79 00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:07,067 What's that brown stuff? 80 00:03:07,067 --> 00:03:08,500 Did you track in mud? 81 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:11,100 No, it's doodie. 82 00:03:11,100 --> 00:03:14,067 Gross, you took a dump on my floor? 83 00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:16,900 No, Brooke, it's your doodie. 84 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,167 It's okay, it's totally normal. 85 00:03:18,167 --> 00:03:19,467 It happens to everyone. 86 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,367 Not to me, it doesn't. 87 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:24,400 Why isn't Lex calling me back? 88 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,067 Where the hell is he! 89 00:03:27,067 --> 00:03:29,067 Mmm. 90 00:03:29,067 --> 00:03:33,367 This salted caramel really tastes like salt and caramel. 91 00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:34,667 I don't know how they do that. 92 00:03:34,667 --> 00:03:37,167 And it's, like, half the calories? 93 00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:41,733 I got to admit, this idea you had about unplugging for the day 94 00:03:41,733 --> 00:03:43,700 - was genius. - I can't take credit for it. 95 00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:46,100 I read this thing in HuffPo about how we should all be 96 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,933 unplugging at least one day a week. 97 00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,333 Aren't you nervous? 98 00:03:50,333 --> 00:03:53,233 I mean, I remember when Jill was in her third trimester. 99 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,600 She wouldn't let me put my phone on vibrate, 100 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,100 let alone turn it off. 101 00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:59,600 Nah. Brooke's got her C-section tomorrow. 102 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:03,267 She knows this is my last day to just Zen-out, you know. 103 00:04:03,267 --> 00:04:06,433 [screaming gibberish] 104 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:13,600 Siri, how do I deliver a baby? 105 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,167 (Siri) Let's see what we can find. 106 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:18,067 Here's what I found on the Web for "how do I deliver a baby." 107 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,367 I don't have time to read this sháá. 108 00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:22,333 (Brooke) Kill me, Jill. Smother me with a pillow. 109 00:04:22,333 --> 00:04:24,400 [groaning] 110 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,400 [eerie music] 111 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,400 * * 112 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,100 Where did that frog come from? 113 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,633 Why is he staring at me like that? 114 00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:34,133 This is just Grenouille. 115 00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:36,233 Every kid in Hazel's class takes him home for the weekend, 116 00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:38,067 and you take pictures of all their adventures. 117 00:04:38,067 --> 00:04:40,067 Of course, I'm the one stuck hauling him around. 118 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,767 Stop talking. Ugh. 119 00:04:41,767 --> 00:04:44,833 Sorry. Okay, think happy thoughts. 120 00:04:44,833 --> 00:04:46,567 Think about your kids. 121 00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:48,467 Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies. 122 00:04:48,467 --> 00:04:50,167 Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies. 123 00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:51,967 (both) Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies. 124 00:04:51,967 --> 00:04:54,400 - Bergdorfs, Barneys, Bloomies. - Oh, my God. 125 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,333 Why isn't Vanessa calling me back? Oh! 126 00:04:57,333 --> 00:05:00,400 [rock music] 127 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,533 * * 128 00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:03,367 On a scale of one to ten, how athletic are you? 129 00:05:03,367 --> 00:05:05,067 Two, but I'm great at sex. 130 00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:11,833 * * 131 00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:12,800 [pot shattering] 132 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:20,800 * * 133 00:05:23,567 --> 00:05:25,100 Is it done? 134 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,233 Is it out? 135 00:05:26,233 --> 00:05:27,900 No, I think it went back in. 136 00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,700 - Ooh. Ooh. - Okay, give me those legs. 137 00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:31,800 Don't you want to take these off? 138 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,067 No! Aaah! 139 00:05:35,067 --> 00:05:36,367 - Yes! - [moaning] 140 00:05:36,367 --> 00:05:39,233 [chanting in Hebrew] 141 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:41,367 - Oh, yeah. - [moaning] 142 00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:42,500 I got it. 143 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,600 I got it. 144 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,333 You remember when we used to smoke doobs in this park 145 00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:49,467 when I was in high school and you were in law school? 146 00:05:49,467 --> 00:05:53,467 [chuckles] Now here we are, babysitting our kids. 147 00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:57,767 Lex, when they're your kids, it's not babysitting. 148 00:05:57,767 --> 00:05:59,633 See, this is why I need you around, 149 00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:00,800 to call me on my sháá. 150 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,200 I'm serious, you should come be 151 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,800 my in-house compliance lawyer at Hercules. 152 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:06,267 Easiest job in the world. 153 00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:08,800 When have you ever complied with the law, Lex? 154 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,267 You were laundering money 155 00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:12,767 when you were making fake IDs in junior high. 156 00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,700 No, no, no, no, no. that was seed money 157 00:06:14,700 --> 00:06:16,300 for another business venture. 158 00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:17,633 There's a difference. 159 00:06:17,633 --> 00:06:19,067 Well, thanks, 160 00:06:19,067 --> 00:06:20,900 but I think it's good for me to have my own thing. 161 00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,833 Come work at Hercules for, like, five years. 162 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:25,167 If you're not having a blast, 163 00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:27,133 you'll have enough money to start your own firm 164 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:29,300 or go lay on the beach somewhere 165 00:06:29,300 --> 00:06:32,733 or open a gelato stand, for all I care. 166 00:06:32,733 --> 00:06:36,600 For me, it's all about family, you know? 167 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,867 What else really matters? 168 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:43,367 Stop. Dad! 169 00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:45,333 Okay, one more push. 170 00:06:45,333 --> 00:06:48,067 It's gonna feel like you're sháááing out a TV, 171 00:06:48,067 --> 00:06:50,067 and then it's gonna be all over. 172 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:52,267 - Okay? - I can't, I can't do it. 173 00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,867 Yes, you can! You were an Olympian! 174 00:06:54,867 --> 00:06:56,767 I'm not an Olympian. 175 00:06:56,767 --> 00:07:00,267 I marched in the opening ceremonies, but I never skied. 176 00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:01,767 I was just an alternate. 177 00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:04,133 And I'm not allergic to wheat. I hate Candace. 178 00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:05,567 I had a perm in high school-- 179 00:07:05,567 --> 00:07:07,067 Wait, back up. You hate Candace? 180 00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,667 I thought you were like Oprah and Gayle? 181 00:07:08,667 --> 00:07:10,467 Oh! I can't do this. 182 00:07:10,467 --> 00:07:11,633 Yes, you can. 183 00:07:11,633 --> 00:07:12,867 You are a ball-buster. 184 00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,367 You are a bitch! 185 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,667 You hate me. 186 00:07:17,667 --> 00:07:19,100 No, no, I meant it in a nice way, 187 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,100 like the way sassy, gay black guys say it. 188 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,100 - Aah! - Okay. 189 00:07:23,100 --> 00:07:25,133 Oh, my God. Here she comes. 190 00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:26,433 [both screaming] 191 00:07:26,433 --> 00:07:29,433 [triumphant music] 192 00:07:29,433 --> 00:07:31,600 * * 193 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,567 [baby crying] 194 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,600 [rock music] 195 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:43,100 Yes, she's gorge. She's healthy. 196 00:07:43,100 --> 00:07:45,267 And you were amazing. 197 00:07:45,267 --> 00:07:47,900 You were like the Incredible Hulk in heels. 198 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,433 I just have to quickly call Andy 199 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:51,733 and tell him that Crystal's gonna get Hazel, okay? 200 00:07:51,733 --> 00:07:53,533 No, don't leave me, Jill. 201 00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:56,067 No, just--I promise, I'll be right there. 202 00:07:56,067 --> 00:07:59,100 Two secs. 203 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,233 Andy Weber, please leave a message. 204 00:08:01,233 --> 00:08:03,633 [phone beeps] - Andy, me again. 205 00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,233 I'm getting into an ambulance. 206 00:08:05,233 --> 00:08:08,600 So, if you can please go home and get me some clean clothes 207 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,333 and meet me at York Hospital, like, now! 208 00:08:12,333 --> 00:08:13,467 Where are you? 209 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:18,067 You better be dead, or I will kill you! 210 00:08:18,067 --> 00:08:19,933 I just delivered a baby. 211 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,333 Me, all by myself. 212 00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:25,800 Cut the cord with Hello Kitty scissors. 213 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,600 Call me back. Bye. 214 00:08:29,733 --> 00:08:31,500 So what's it gonna be, brah? 215 00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,800 You coming to Hercules or not? 216 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,467 [clears throat] 217 00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,500 You know what? Yes. 218 00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,200 Let's do it. 219 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,967 Yes! Bro town is back, baby! Yeah! 220 00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:49,367 I have to talk to Jill first, so don't-- 221 00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:52,333 [upbeat music] 222 00:08:52,333 --> 00:08:54,600 * * 223 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:55,667 Oh, look. 224 00:08:55,667 --> 00:08:57,400 22 texts from Brooke. 225 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:58,833 Delete, delete, delete. 226 00:08:58,833 --> 00:08:59,833 Lex, look at them. 227 00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:07,867 * * 228 00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:13,400 So do you own or rent? 229 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,433 - Are you kidding? [knock at door] 230 00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:17,733 (woman) NYPD, open up. 231 00:09:17,733 --> 00:09:19,200 Let's go. 232 00:09:22,467 --> 00:09:25,500 Hi, is there a problem, officers? 233 00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:29,167 You tell us. Someone reported a domestic-violence situation. 234 00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,500 - Oh. - [laughs] 235 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,400 Oh, my God, I'm sorry. 236 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,067 No, it's nothing like that. 237 00:09:35,067 --> 00:09:36,933 I've never actually had a noise issue before. 238 00:09:36,933 --> 00:09:38,667 This place is solid. 239 00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:42,467 I'm a real estate broker, so if you guys are ever looking-- 240 00:09:42,467 --> 00:09:45,067 Thanks, but we're gonna have to question you both separately 241 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,367 and then fill out a report. 242 00:09:46,367 --> 00:09:49,800 Oh, guys, as an ER doctor, I applaud your vigilance, 243 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,800 but I promise I wasn't being attacked. 244 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,400 I was just having a really loud orgasm. 245 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,833 Well, more than one. 246 00:09:58,833 --> 00:10:00,500 By my count, maybe four. 247 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,767 Two. More like two. 248 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,267 Let's say three and aftershocks. 249 00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:05,900 Things got a little crazy. You guys know how it is. 250 00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:08,300 Okay, stop. Stop talking. 251 00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:13,367 This will come out with bleach. 252 00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,433 I'm sure the school won't even notice. 253 00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:17,800 It's just human fluids. It's totally natural. 254 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:19,133 Jill! Honey, are you okay? 255 00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:20,667 I can't believe you delivered Brooke's baby. 256 00:10:20,667 --> 00:10:22,067 Andy, shh, shh. 257 00:10:22,067 --> 00:10:25,200 Now, listen closely, because this is the official story. 258 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,000 I was coming back from Brooklyn when Brooke called me 259 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,000 and told me that she was moving her C-section a day early 260 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,067 for astrological reasons, got it? 261 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,767 Yeah, got it. You look like you murdered someone. 262 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,733 Okay, and Baby Langley was seven pounds, three ounces, 263 00:10:37,733 --> 00:10:42,300 not ten pounds, two ounces and did not, I repeat not, 264 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,167 come through her Sally-Jane 265 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:46,767 which I was never inside of, got it? 266 00:10:46,767 --> 00:10:48,633 Now repeat it back to me. 267 00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,133 You were coming back from Brooklyn and-- 268 00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:51,767 Okay, fine. Just give me the clothes. 269 00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:53,100 - You have a thing--Okay. - I don't care. 270 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:58,300 I have to take off this vomitocious dress and burn it. 271 00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,533 Ta-da. 272 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:01,100 Is this a joke? 273 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,133 What's wrong? 274 00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:04,667 This is a red bandage dress. 275 00:11:04,667 --> 00:11:07,367 We're in a hospital, I'm not on a singles' cruise. 276 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:09,067 I'm sorry, honey. It's the first thing I saw. 277 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,733 Plus, I love you in this dress. 278 00:11:10,733 --> 00:11:12,167 I haven't seen you in it since the honeymoon. 279 00:11:12,167 --> 00:11:13,567 Yeah, and if you'll recall, 280 00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,500 that's why the zipper's broken, but thank you. 281 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:18,500 [rock music] 282 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,333 * * 283 00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:24,133 Brookey, honey bear, you got to forgive me, huh? 284 00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,600 I was out buying you a little push present. 285 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,467 You like it? Yeah? 286 00:11:28,467 --> 00:11:29,600 I'm thinking. 287 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,967 Oh, my dear children, I heard the news. 288 00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:35,733 I had my hair and nails done and came right over. 289 00:11:35,733 --> 00:11:37,167 - It looks good, Mom. - You know, 290 00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:40,367 I said to Fabian, "Do I look like a grandmother of seven?" 291 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,500 And he said, "You won't when I'm done with you!" 292 00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,867 So sassy, don't you think? 293 00:11:45,867 --> 00:11:47,300 So sassy. 294 00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,333 Well, then I would like to know the name 295 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:50,967 of my new granddaughter, 296 00:11:50,967 --> 00:11:53,267 unless it's still under lock and key. 297 00:11:53,267 --> 00:11:56,933 It's Langley Emmeline Lockheart von Weber. 298 00:11:59,533 --> 00:12:01,067 Langley? 299 00:12:01,067 --> 00:12:03,433 As in the CIA headquarters? 300 00:12:03,433 --> 00:12:06,600 What--what happened to Maureen, for my sister? 301 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:11,567 Uh, Shipley, MacCallister, Rutherford, and Maureen? 302 00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:14,633 Candace, you have a whole new look. 303 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,533 Yes, so do you. 304 00:12:16,533 --> 00:12:19,067 Did you hear the new baby's name? 305 00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:20,733 I remember when I was pregnant with Anderson 306 00:12:20,733 --> 00:12:23,333 and his name was gonna be Horace, if it was a boy. 307 00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:25,300 Guys, we just saw the baby. She's beautiful. 308 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:27,067 She's beautiful. Congratulations. 309 00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:30,200 But when my mother-in-law implored me to reconsider, 310 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,800 I realized that her happiness was all that mattered. 311 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,333 How are you feeling, any better? 312 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,767 Much. 313 00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:37,433 Anyway, darling, in happier news, 314 00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:41,267 I heard you're going to work for Alexander at Hercules. 315 00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:45,800 No, no, no, not for, with. 316 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,567 Um, honey, may I please rip you a new one, privately? 317 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,700 Yeah. 318 00:12:53,233 --> 00:12:54,400 I'm sorry. I know it was impulsive. 319 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,867 I was under the influence of salted caramel. 320 00:12:56,867 --> 00:12:59,500 You can't even pick a tie-shoe combo without my help, 321 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,533 but this you decide on your own? 322 00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:04,233 I thought we both agreed this would be a terrible idea. 323 00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:06,700 Lex is offering three times my current salary, honey, 324 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:07,867 plus bonuses. 325 00:13:07,867 --> 00:13:10,100 Minus your soul, divided by your integrity. 326 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,500 No, I get to keep my soul. 327 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,733 I asked about that. 328 00:13:12,733 --> 00:13:15,067 Look, honey, look, I get to set my own hours. 329 00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,333 I don't have to work weekends. 330 00:13:16,333 --> 00:13:18,567 We would have the time and money to travel, 331 00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:20,067 take that trip to Paris-- 332 00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,500 [gasps] Grenouille! 333 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,400 I still have to finish Hazel's school project. 334 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,600 Thank you. 335 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:25,700 Jilly-beans. 336 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:27,267 Brooke needs you 337 00:13:27,267 --> 00:13:28,300 Yeah, I'm outie. 338 00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,767 Moi aussi. 339 00:13:30,767 --> 00:13:32,900 Congratulations. 340 00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:34,333 - Thank you, Mother. - Ta ta. 341 00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:35,667 - Bye, Mom. - Okay. 342 00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:37,100 You go get the kids and I'll meet you at home 343 00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:38,567 and we'll talk about Hercules. 344 00:13:38,567 --> 00:13:40,700 - Okay. - Is this okay? 345 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:41,933 Yeah, pretty. 346 00:13:41,933 --> 00:13:44,933 [rock music] 347 00:13:44,933 --> 00:13:46,467 * * 348 00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,100 How's it going? 349 00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:50,833 Of course, Candace had to get a whole makeover 350 00:13:50,833 --> 00:13:52,733 the day I give birth. 351 00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:54,667 And naturally, she hates the baby's name. 352 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,067 I thought Candace only hated my kids' names. 353 00:13:58,067 --> 00:14:02,233 Jill, from now on, we have to stick together. 354 00:14:02,233 --> 00:14:06,433 So, um, is there always this much blood down there? 355 00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:08,867 It's like, did I deliver a baby or a cheese grater? 356 00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:10,800 Yeah, that's standard issue. 357 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,700 I was literally wearing adult diapers for weeks. 358 00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:14,867 - Ew. - I know. 359 00:14:14,867 --> 00:14:17,067 But you can't beat the absorbency. 360 00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,667 Anyway, I should go. 361 00:14:18,667 --> 00:14:21,167 I want them, now. 362 00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:22,900 The adult diapers? 363 00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:24,133 Me? 364 00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,167 I'm about to faint from hunger. 365 00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,833 You're the only person I could bear asking. 366 00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:32,633 Oh, and could you also please pick up a sandwich platter 367 00:14:32,633 --> 00:14:33,800 at William Poll? 368 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,667 People are going to be stopping by. 369 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:38,733 Crystal was supposed to do it, but now she's with the kids. 370 00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:46,700 Oh, I guess I'm just gonna need my wallet. 371 00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,133 You're the best. 372 00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:50,467 Live for you. 373 00:14:50,467 --> 00:14:53,467 [bell jingling] 374 00:14:53,467 --> 00:14:56,967 Matt? Matt! Jill Kaplan! 375 00:14:56,967 --> 00:14:58,533 Junior year abroad. 376 00:14:58,533 --> 00:15:00,233 We dated. 377 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,400 Right, right. 378 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,800 Wow. 379 00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,467 Sorry. I didn't recognize you. 380 00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:08,933 You look different. 381 00:15:08,933 --> 00:15:09,967 Is everything okay? 382 00:15:09,967 --> 00:15:11,167 Yes, of course. 383 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:13,433 Why? Oh, no. 384 00:15:13,433 --> 00:15:15,067 I'm not incontinent. 385 00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:17,567 These are just--long story... [chuckles] 386 00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:20,400 but I turned out great. 387 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,467 I have three beautiful kids and a drop-dead husband 388 00:15:24,467 --> 00:15:27,500 who's about to triple his salary. 389 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:30,233 - So you want to see pictures? - Another time. 390 00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,533 Really good to see you, though, Jill. 391 00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:34,233 Take care. 392 00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,133 You going to the reunion or-- 393 00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:37,733 Good luck. 394 00:15:37,733 --> 00:15:39,733 Okay, bye! 395 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:42,833 (Jill) I'm back. 396 00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:45,100 Oh, thank God, I'm famished. 397 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,167 - Take a break, you guys. - Thanks, Brooke. 398 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:51,100 So, Jill, Mario Testino is stuck in Ibiza. 399 00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:54,467 He was really thrown by the whole day-early thing. 400 00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:56,900 So, if you don't mind taking some photos 401 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,067 for my Instagram and baby announcement... 402 00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,533 - Sure. [baby cooing] 403 00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:04,933 [gasps] 404 00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:06,333 That's not my baby. 405 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,733 [scanner beeping] 406 00:16:09,733 --> 00:16:11,700 The barcode doesn't lie. 407 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:15,833 Mommy von Weber, meet Baby von Weber. 408 00:16:15,833 --> 00:16:19,733 But she doesn't look like a von. 409 00:16:19,733 --> 00:16:20,867 She looks ethnic. 410 00:16:20,867 --> 00:16:23,400 She's gorgeous, just like her mama. 411 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,400 Smile. 412 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,700 You can Photoshop one of Shipley's newborn pictures 413 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,633 in later, right? 414 00:16:29,633 --> 00:16:32,533 She just-- she was more classic looking. 415 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,200 [baby crying] 416 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,333 Oh, I want to get one with Grenouille, just for kicks. 417 00:16:38,333 --> 00:16:40,167 Wait. Where is he? 418 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,400 [rock music] 419 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,633 Where is he? 420 00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,067 I just saw him a second ago. 421 00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:49,600 * * 422 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,167 Grenouille. Grenouille. 423 00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:54,900 He was just here a minute ago. 424 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,067 Oh, my God. Grenouille. 425 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:59,200 Grenouille. Has anyone seen Grenouille? 426 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,367 He was just here. 427 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,933 This can't be happening. 428 00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:05,067 Oh, my God, Grenouille is gone, and I'm gonna kill myself. 429 00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,400 Grenouille. [alarm blaring] 430 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,067 Grenouille! 431 00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:12,800 [alarm blaring] 432 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,633 What is going on? 433 00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:16,233 They said there's a baby missing. 434 00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:17,867 It is so loud. 435 00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:20,600 Oh, my God, that's terrifying. 436 00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:23,200 Do you know anything about this missing baby? 437 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,733 That mother must be-- 438 00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:26,200 I can't even imagine. 439 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:27,767 I heard she was out of her mind, 440 00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:29,233 running all up and down the halls 441 00:17:29,233 --> 00:17:31,067 looking for poor little Gren-wee. 442 00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:33,267 [rock music] 443 00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:35,633 Grenouille? Are you sure? 444 00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:36,767 Mm-hmm. 445 00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:38,767 I know, the names today. 446 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:42,767 * * 447 00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:45,333 And these are smoked salmon and capers, 448 00:17:45,333 --> 00:17:49,567 and these are duck prosciutto with, I think, olive tapenade? 449 00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:51,500 Anyway, so, so sorry again. 450 00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:54,633 I'm sure this happens all the time. 451 00:17:54,633 --> 00:17:57,167 Vanessa, thank God. 452 00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:59,067 What the Jillio? 453 00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:02,833 You're a little overdressed to deliver a baby, aren't you? 454 00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:06,133 Okay, and things got worse since we spoke. 455 00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:08,733 I just flagged down "Tube Socks" Matt Duvane, 456 00:18:08,733 --> 00:18:11,433 oh, yeah, looking like Girl, Interrupted 457 00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:14,067 in the adult-diapers aisle of the drugstore. 458 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,533 Didn't have to, chose to. 459 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:19,700 Well, my day kind of went off the rails too, 460 00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:21,233 with that guy I met at Krista's. 461 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,867 [cell phone chimes] 462 00:18:23,867 --> 00:18:26,167 It's him. [squeals] 463 00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:28,167 No effing way. 464 00:18:28,167 --> 00:18:29,400 What? Dick pic? Let me see. 465 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:30,867 No, worse. 466 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:33,300 He texted me an apartment listing. 467 00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:36,200 And that's why I don't date brokers. 468 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,433 (woman) Jill! Brooke's asking for you. 469 00:18:38,433 --> 00:18:40,533 Oh, yes, coming, one sec. 470 00:18:40,533 --> 00:18:43,967 Sorry, she has, like, these minions at her beck and call. 471 00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:45,333 - Tell me about it. - Jill! 472 00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,400 That's not fair. 473 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:47,867 I can stay for another minute. 474 00:18:47,867 --> 00:18:50,733 Don't worry about it. We'll talk tomorrow. 475 00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:53,067 Okay, bye. Love you. 476 00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,367 Bye. 477 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,400 Honestly, I couldn't have gotten through this without you. 478 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,967 Oh, it was no biggie. 479 00:19:01,967 --> 00:19:04,733 And I feel like Crystal took my kids all afternoon. 480 00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:06,467 Should I pay her a little extra? 481 00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:09,067 Crystal is very well taken care of. 482 00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:10,467 Right, duh. 483 00:19:10,467 --> 00:19:11,667 All righty. 484 00:19:11,667 --> 00:19:14,800 Of course, she does love those three-wick candles 485 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,133 at Jill Malone. 486 00:19:16,133 --> 00:19:18,600 Oh, okay. 487 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,467 What a day, right? 488 00:19:20,467 --> 00:19:25,367 You and me, Andy and Lex-- it just feels so right. 489 00:19:25,367 --> 00:19:27,833 You're like the sister that I never had. 490 00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,100 But don't you have two sisters? 491 00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:34,267 Neither of them would ever do what you did for me. 492 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:37,167 I love you. 493 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,367 Okay. 494 00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,367 [rock music] 495 00:19:43,367 --> 00:19:49,100 * * 496 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,700 Oh, thank goodness you're home. 497 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:55,067 Longest day of my life. 498 00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:56,233 I am broken. 499 00:19:56,233 --> 00:19:57,467 This bag... 500 00:19:57,467 --> 00:20:01,900 contains a $425 candle, 501 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:06,800 and that is the cheapest errand that I ran for Brooke all day. 502 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:09,633 And to top it off, I lost Grenouille. 503 00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:12,000 Babe, babe, babe, no, you didn't lose him. 504 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,067 He's right here. I went back for him. 505 00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:15,400 I thought I was doing you a favor. 506 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,200 I was doing the project with Hazel. 507 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:22,133 - Do me a favor, no more favors. - I'm sorry. Come here. 508 00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:24,100 Oh. Mwah. 509 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,200 Are you okay? 510 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,500 No, I can't shake this feeling 511 00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:30,600 that we're in too deep, first with Brooke and now Lex. 512 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,000 We're gonna be okay. That's just a job. 513 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,600 And what about us moving to Brooklyn? 514 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:37,733 I stopped listening after the sixth message. 515 00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:39,600 Yeah, that's not happening. 516 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,367 In the end, I found it super yucky there, 517 00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:45,267 and I say that having just delivered a baby. 518 00:20:45,267 --> 00:20:48,967 Okay, well, as long as you canceled the bid on that house. 519 00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:51,533 Oh, my God, the bid! I forgot to cancel it. 520 00:20:51,533 --> 00:20:53,033 Sháá! 521 00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:56,933 Sháá. 522 00:20:56,933 --> 00:21:00,067 [upbeat music] 523 00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:08,067 * * 524 00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:25,367 (Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com. 525 00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,367 [seagulls crying] - Oh, dear. 526 00:21:29,333 --> 00:21:31,367 (woman) Left, right, left, right, left, right!