1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,067 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:04,067 --> 00:00:06,133 (Hazel) Hi, Aunt Vanessa. (Vanessa) Hi, guys. 3 00:00:06,133 --> 00:00:07,633 (Jill) We're going to Brooklyn. 4 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:08,867 (train conductor) There's a Brooklyn-bound fifth train. 5 00:00:08,867 --> 00:00:11,967 Transfers available for the four train. 6 00:00:11,967 --> 00:00:13,200 (Jill) Are we there yet? 7 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:14,900 (Vanessa) Calm down, we're almost there. 8 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,433 (train conductor) This train is no longer in service. 9 00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:17,467 [muffled announcement] 10 00:00:17,467 --> 00:00:18,467 (Jill) What the hell is he saying? 11 00:00:18,467 --> 00:00:19,500 (train conductor) Thank you. 12 00:00:19,500 --> 00:00:20,500 (Hazel) Just a few more stops, mom. 13 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:22,300 (Jill) [groans] [alert tones] 14 00:00:22,300 --> 00:00:24,233 (train conductor) Next stop, Grand Army Plaza. 15 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:26,033 Stand clear of the closing doors please. 16 00:00:26,033 --> 00:00:28,333 (Jill) Finally! 17 00:00:28,333 --> 00:00:31,467 I think I just went through menopause on that subway ride. 18 00:00:31,467 --> 00:00:34,667 I hate schlepping to Brooklyn. 19 00:00:34,667 --> 00:00:36,133 Whoa! 20 00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:38,167 I'm sorry. I this the Champs-Elysées? 21 00:00:38,167 --> 00:00:39,567 Not too shabby. 22 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:42,033 Explains why everyone's so smug about living here. 23 00:00:42,033 --> 00:00:44,133 1This way. 24 00:00:44,133 --> 00:00:46,267 I still can't believe Krista moved to Brooklyn. 25 00:00:46,267 --> 00:00:48,667 I can't believe Krista's still alive. 26 00:00:48,667 --> 00:00:50,300 Remember that night at the Soho house 27 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,500 when she showed up in that feathery bikini thing, 28 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,133 begging us to do E with her? 29 00:00:54,133 --> 00:00:55,800 Mommy, what's E? 30 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,600 Oh, my God, look at that huge dog. 31 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,900 Thanks a lot. 32 00:01:00,900 --> 00:01:02,400 Hey, Hazel. 33 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,633 That's what real pregnant bellies look like. 34 00:01:04,633 --> 00:01:06,367 They actually pop out. 35 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,733 Ugh, it's like preggo-palooza here. 36 00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:09,933 There better be some single people 37 00:01:09,933 --> 00:01:11,567 at this housewarming or we're ditching. 38 00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:13,933 Fine, done. Krista can't last 39 00:01:13,933 --> 00:01:16,267 more than two hours at a party without passing out anyway. 40 00:01:16,267 --> 00:01:19,067 Why does Krista always pass out? 41 00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:21,300 Oh, look, another huge dog. 42 00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:23,133 [punk rock music] 43 00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:25,733 * Hey, yes, you know * 44 00:01:25,733 --> 00:01:28,733 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 45 00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:48,333 Holy frackin' Shiite. Is that a tree house? 46 00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:49,967 This place is incredible. 47 00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:51,833 They have a trampoline! 48 00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:53,833 Have fun. 49 00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,700 Look at this crowd. They're so chill. 50 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,133 I don't see any white cigarette leg jeans, 51 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:02,233 not a lick of mascara, no silicone. 52 00:02:02,233 --> 00:02:04,867 In fact, I have the perkiest boobs at this party. 53 00:02:04,867 --> 00:02:08,433 (Vanessa) All I see are breeders, and yuck, do we all need 54 00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:10,767 a front row seat to the pepperoni nipple show? 55 00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:12,800 Guys, you made it! 56 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,733 Krista, I'm having a total real estate boner. 57 00:02:15,733 --> 00:02:18,733 [laughs] Come down. 58 00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,933 (Vanessa) Krista, you look amazing. 59 00:02:24,933 --> 00:02:26,067 Thank you. 60 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,633 Your boyfriend's such a sweetheart. 61 00:02:27,633 --> 00:02:28,700 How'd you guys meet? 62 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:32,100 N.A. Narcotics Anonymous. 63 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,600 - Oh, no way. - Seriously? 64 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,067 Good for you. 65 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:36,900 If you don't mind my asking, did you hit, like, 66 00:02:36,900 --> 00:02:38,367 a rock bottom moment? 67 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,767 Did you wake up in a dumpster in Philadelphia or something? 68 00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:43,267 Actually, you. 69 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:45,633 You were my rock bottom. 70 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:46,967 - Me? - Her? 71 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,433 Yeah. 4:00 in the afternoon, 72 00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:50,833 I'd just given head to the bus boy at Bar Polo 73 00:02:50,833 --> 00:02:52,167 in exchange for a bump, 74 00:02:52,167 --> 00:02:53,933 and I walked out onto third avenue, 75 00:02:53,933 --> 00:02:56,267 and I'm wiping coke and jizz off my face, 76 00:02:56,267 --> 00:02:58,467 and I see you across the street, 77 00:02:58,467 --> 00:03:00,667 pregnant, and pushing a stroller. 78 00:03:00,667 --> 00:03:05,067 And I say to myself, "Self, how did this happen?" 79 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:06,633 And then, I thought a thousand things real fast 80 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,500 'cause of the coke, you know, but that-- 81 00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:11,067 that was my first step to recovery. 82 00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:12,933 Um-- 83 00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:15,200 Don't worry about it. It's a process. 84 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,933 My bread! Oh, thank you, honey. 85 00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:19,100 I was her rock bottom. 86 00:03:19,100 --> 00:03:20,733 I heard. 87 00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:22,067 Oh, bread. 88 00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:24,067 I got to get a picture of Grenoui with the bread. 89 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:26,100 What is with the frog? 90 00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,667 This is Grenoui. It's Hazel's class frog, 91 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,167 and each kid takes it home for the weekend 92 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,900 and records his adventures in a big class journal. 93 00:03:33,900 --> 00:03:36,767 According to Hazel, he's been to The Great Wall of China, 94 00:03:36,767 --> 00:03:38,900 a bunch of the Spielbergs, and Camp David. 95 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:40,300 - [chuckles] - True, but... 96 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,600 he's never had bread before, so we're popping 97 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:44,500 his gluten cherry in Brookles. 98 00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:47,167 Oh, now--Adrian. Adrian, come here. Come here. 99 00:03:47,167 --> 00:03:49,800 I want you to meet my college friends Jill and Vanessa. 100 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,900 Oh, so cute! Congratulations. 101 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,167 Oh, so tiny. 102 00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:58,133 Ooh, I better get this. Might be the hospital. 103 00:03:58,133 --> 00:03:59,567 What an angel. 104 00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:02,100 Actually, this was my toughest birth. 105 00:04:02,100 --> 00:04:03,867 After 40 hours of labor, 106 00:04:03,867 --> 00:04:06,700 I was still only 1 centimeter dilated. 107 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:09,600 Finally, my midwife decided it was time to- 108 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,500 Caesar salad that crouton right out of there? 109 00:04:11,500 --> 00:04:14,067 Yeah. I felt like such a failure. 110 00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:17,100 I mean, I hadn't even read the chapter on... 111 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:18,800 [whispering] C-sections, 112 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,800 'cause I never dreamed I would be one of those people. 113 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,200 [laughs] 114 00:04:24,200 --> 00:04:25,467 What? 115 00:04:25,467 --> 00:04:28,433 It's just I come from a very different planet. 116 00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,067 [dance music playing] 117 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,633 [whistling] 118 00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:35,800 [breathing deeply] 119 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,733 Look at you. 120 00:04:37,733 --> 00:04:40,200 One day before baby numero quatro, 121 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,067 and you are still rocking those abs. 122 00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:45,733 If you get your core toned enough before a C-section, 123 00:04:45,733 --> 00:04:48,967 the surgeon can just slice through it like a sushi chef. 124 00:04:48,967 --> 00:04:51,200 - It really reduces scarring. - Oh. 125 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,867 Okay, back to the punch list. 126 00:04:52,867 --> 00:04:54,533 We have a lot to get done before tomorrow. 127 00:04:54,533 --> 00:04:55,800 I'm all over it. I just checked in 128 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:57,967 with the photographer, social media manager, 129 00:04:57,967 --> 00:05:00,733 wardrobe designer, and eastern medicine consultant. 130 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:02,567 Everyone's up to speed. 131 00:05:03,900 --> 00:05:06,833 Brookie, what is it? 132 00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:09,500 You look so sad. 133 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:13,367 I'm just...so fat, 134 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:17,300 and I guess I'm just feeling sentimental, 135 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:19,800 thinking about little Rutherford. 136 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,333 He's not gonna be the baby anymore. 137 00:05:21,333 --> 00:05:23,700 Aww, that is so sweet. 138 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:26,067 You want to spend some alone time with the little guy today? 139 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:27,467 No, God no. 140 00:05:27,467 --> 00:05:30,333 No, I think I just want to do something special for him. 141 00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:33,600 I need to feel connected. 142 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,733 In fact-- [groans] 143 00:05:36,733 --> 00:05:38,900 Crystal, angel? 144 00:05:38,900 --> 00:05:41,233 Meet me in the kitchen. 145 00:05:41,233 --> 00:05:44,300 [rock music playing] 146 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:45,867 [overlapping chatter] 147 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,867 [French horn blowing] 148 00:05:51,900 --> 00:05:56,133 Mm, not that guy. He looks dead inside. 149 00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:59,167 How do you know that's not my type? 150 00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:03,433 I'd say I don't usually do this, but that'd be a lie. 151 00:06:03,433 --> 00:06:05,433 Oh, I get it. I mean, why come to a party 152 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,900 where you could actually talk to people 153 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,300 when you can just scroll through 'em on your tiny computer? 154 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:11,733 Hey, do not knock my tiny computer. 155 00:06:11,733 --> 00:06:14,167 It's so pretty and smart. 156 00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:17,133 Yeah, it's smart 'cause it's stealing all your brain cells. 157 00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:19,900 I just read this piece on HuffPo 158 00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:21,633 about how if you take a break, even for a day, 159 00:06:21,633 --> 00:06:23,867 from your phone, it can add years to your life. 160 00:06:23,867 --> 00:06:27,833 I'm guessing you read that on your phone? 161 00:06:27,833 --> 00:06:30,400 Yes, I did. 162 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,933 I'm Elliot by the way. 163 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:34,367 Vanessa, by the way. 164 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:43,233 College educated, totally stumped. 165 00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:46,467 I'm going with hard plastic. 166 00:06:46,467 --> 00:06:49,267 So Krista tells me you're that one's mom? 167 00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:52,400 Depends. Was she dancing like a stripper again? 168 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:53,733 Because I swear, she's just 169 00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:55,333 trying to pay her way through grade school. 170 00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:57,067 Actually, we just had 171 00:06:57,067 --> 00:06:59,067 the most fascinating conversation about Icarus. 172 00:06:59,067 --> 00:07:00,833 And I see a lot of kids in my work, 173 00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:02,967 and she is a very sophisticated thinker. 174 00:07:02,967 --> 00:07:05,167 Wow, that's so nice to hear. 175 00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,067 - Where do you work? - St. Anne's, in Admissions. 176 00:07:07,067 --> 00:07:08,933 Yeah, I know I'm biased, 177 00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:11,233 but it's such an unusual school. 178 00:07:11,233 --> 00:07:12,933 For one thing, we don't give grades. 179 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,800 No grades, ever, at all? 180 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,733 Well, how do you know you're doing better than everyone else? 181 00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:19,333 Exactly. 182 00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:21,967 We think the world needs more questioners, not followers. 183 00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:24,933 I totally agree. Can I go there? 184 00:07:24,933 --> 00:07:27,367 Off the record, we just heard that one of our families 185 00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:28,733 is relocating to London 186 00:07:28,733 --> 00:07:30,267 to star in the spinoff of Downton Abbey, 187 00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:31,967 so there might be openings. 188 00:07:31,967 --> 00:07:34,333 I think Hazel would be a great fit. 189 00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:35,867 So let me know if you're interested. 190 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,200 [peaceful string music playing] 191 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:48,167 * * 192 00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:55,633 Yes, I'm interested. 193 00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,367 [upbeat vocals playing] 194 00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,367 Andy, honey, hi. Here's the deal. 195 00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,533 I think we belong in Brooklyn. 196 00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:06,633 I just met this Admissions woman from St. Anne's. 197 00:08:06,633 --> 00:08:08,067 She's, like, in love with Hazel, 198 00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:10,733 and Krista lives in a palace 199 00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:13,133 for half of the cost of what we could get in our name. 200 00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:14,867 I really think we belong here. 201 00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:16,833 I mean, there are people with frizzy hair 202 00:08:16,833 --> 00:08:18,700 and hideous sandals with arched support. 203 00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:20,100 I'm excited. Call me. 204 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,867 - Love ya. - Jill. 205 00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,100 Hey. There you are. 206 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:24,600 Guys, this is Vanessa. 207 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,700 Vanessa, these are actual cool moms. 208 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:29,600 I found them. They're all in Brooklyn. 209 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,067 Hi, cool moms. 210 00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:33,233 Nice to meet you. I'm the cool single friend. 211 00:08:33,233 --> 00:08:35,633 I'm actually gonna take off for a while. 212 00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:37,867 Really? The kids are about to play their glockenspiels. 213 00:08:37,867 --> 00:08:39,533 Oh, thanks for the warning. 214 00:08:39,533 --> 00:08:43,067 I met this possibly cute guy, one o'clock, 215 00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:44,400 talking to pepperoni nips. 216 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,500 He's a real estate agent. 217 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:46,833 He found this house for Krista. 218 00:08:46,833 --> 00:08:49,067 Great. Can you have him find me one just like it? 219 00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,533 Oh! I love Brooklyn Jill. 220 00:08:51,533 --> 00:08:54,333 So he convinced me to try this kinky retro 221 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,100 phone-free experiment. 222 00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:58,700 Can I trust you to babysit these until we get back? 223 00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,167 Well, what if I have to text you an emergency opinion? 224 00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:03,833 Oh, babe, just whisper it to the wind, 225 00:09:03,833 --> 00:09:06,933 and if it's truly juicy and bitchy, I'll hear it. 226 00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:17,400 You bake? 227 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,067 How could I not know this about you? 228 00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:22,600 You know I don't like to talk about myself. 229 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,967 This is Rutherford's favorite, coconut cream pie. 230 00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:27,933 The recipe's a snap. I'll send you the link. 231 00:09:27,933 --> 00:09:30,467 Send Devin the link. 232 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:37,867 See? That's all you do. 233 00:09:37,867 --> 00:09:41,367 Aww, do you remember when I brought Rutherford home 234 00:09:41,367 --> 00:09:42,700 from the hospital? 235 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,067 He was in that precious Bumpier onesie. 236 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,633 Of course. How could I forget? 237 00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:49,867 Oh, my God. 238 00:09:49,867 --> 00:09:52,200 I haven't picked out the baby's coming home outfit. 239 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,333 I have no idea who she's wearing. 240 00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:55,967 Okay, calme, calme. 241 00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:57,867 Don't tell me to "calmay." 242 00:09:57,867 --> 00:09:59,800 Call my entire staff. 243 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,333 How could it fall through the cracks? 244 00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:04,800 Ugh! 245 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,067 Oh, and save me a slice. 246 00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:12,333 [approaching footsteps] 247 00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:16,833 Wow. 248 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,067 I was just alone with my thoughts 249 00:10:18,067 --> 00:10:20,767 for the first time in years. 250 00:10:20,767 --> 00:10:22,400 I think I resolved a few childhood traumas. 251 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,500 Yup, can't remember the last time 252 00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,000 I peed without checking email. 253 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,800 Ah. Sorry, it's just been a while 254 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,033 since I swiped anything. 255 00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:33,100 [chuckling] 256 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,167 Martians could've landed at Trader Joe's, 257 00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,333 and you'd have no way of knowing. 258 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,700 Well, here's to not knowing. 259 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:41,200 To not knowing. 260 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:43,367 What are you talking about? 261 00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:46,300 When people write "XO," the X is the kiss, 262 00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:48,033 and the O is the hug. Everyone knows this. 263 00:10:48,033 --> 00:10:49,667 No, it isn't. 264 00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:52,233 The X is the hug because you cross your arms like this, 265 00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:54,633 and the O is the kiss because you pucker your lips like this. 266 00:10:54,633 --> 00:10:56,800 That would mean "XOXO" translates 267 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,167 into "Hug, kiss, hug, kiss." Who says that? 268 00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:01,533 Everyone. Everyone says that. "Hugs and kisses." 269 00:11:01,533 --> 00:11:03,533 It's built into the basic fabric of our lexicon. 270 00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:07,067 You are so comically, embarrassingly wrong. 271 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,067 I feel bad for you in advance 272 00:11:09,067 --> 00:11:10,767 when your wrongness is confirmed. 273 00:11:10,767 --> 00:11:12,200 Well, for now, we're just gonna have to sit, 274 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,867 and be cool with not knowing. 275 00:11:13,867 --> 00:11:16,267 Fine, whatever. I can do that. 276 00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,367 So can I. 277 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,167 - Check! - Check. 278 00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,367 - Now. - Get the check, please. 279 00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,600 Thank you. 280 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,767 (Jill) Sorry. I'm a total idiot. 281 00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:29,400 Which one's the basil again? 282 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,867 It's on your left. Grab a handful. 283 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,633 Thank you. 284 00:11:33,633 --> 00:11:36,067 So is it safe to say you love living here? 285 00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:37,867 Oh, my God. 286 00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:39,400 Are you serious about moving to Brooklyn? 287 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:42,233 Oh, I have never been happier. 288 00:11:42,233 --> 00:11:44,867 We love Allegra's charter school. 289 00:11:44,867 --> 00:11:46,667 Oh, they have this whole new approach to math that merges 290 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:49,067 the scientific method with the Socratic one, 291 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,267 and then, it combines the Talmud, dice, 292 00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,467 and hip-hop lyrics. 293 00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:54,233 Hmm, I still count on my fingers. 294 00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:56,067 There's also music and letters, 295 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:57,567 where the kids write their own memoires 296 00:11:57,567 --> 00:11:59,900 and can choose between majoring in symphony, 297 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:02,100 eastern music, or rock band. 298 00:12:02,100 --> 00:12:03,300 Rock band, please. 299 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,600 There's also Brooklyn Perspectives, which has 300 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,667 an organic rooftop farm and a cheese making program. 301 00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:09,433 - There's so many options. - Oh, yes. 302 00:12:09,433 --> 00:12:11,100 This is how it happens. 303 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,800 You are so moving here. 304 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,600 Hey, isn't there an open house on Bergen? 305 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,400 Oh, Jill. Three stories, rooftop, deck. 306 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:19,067 It's gonna go in a heartbeat. 307 00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:20,833 I don't know. I mean, it's one thing to fantasize, 308 00:12:20,833 --> 00:12:22,600 but I haven't even talked to Andy about it. 309 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,967 Just go. Have a look. 310 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:25,233 It can't hurt. 311 00:12:25,233 --> 00:12:28,200 Yeah, I mean, it's only research, right? 312 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,967 [rock music playing] 313 00:12:29,967 --> 00:12:32,833 The response has been overwhelming. 314 00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:35,067 We've had three other bids already. 315 00:12:35,067 --> 00:12:37,367 Four. Hello! 316 00:12:37,367 --> 00:12:38,733 I'm bidding also. 317 00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:42,233 More than all of them. I'm moving here. 318 00:12:42,233 --> 00:12:45,067 * Ahh ahh ahh * 319 00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:49,933 * Ahh ahh ahh ahh * 320 00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:55,633 [rock music playing] 321 00:12:55,633 --> 00:12:58,367 - To Jill! - Whoo! 322 00:12:58,367 --> 00:12:59,733 Thanks, guys. 323 00:12:59,733 --> 00:13:01,067 My husband might divorce me, 324 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:03,067 but at least I'll have cool mom friends. 325 00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:05,500 [chuckles] Allegra, honey, 326 00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,667 your hair is just beyond. 327 00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:10,533 How pretty are you? 328 00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:11,767 Ixnay. 329 00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:13,367 What? What'd I say? 330 00:13:13,367 --> 00:13:16,833 Well, kind of not supposed to focus on appearance with girls. 331 00:13:16,833 --> 00:13:18,333 It sends the wrong message, 332 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:19,833 gender politics, blah, blah, blah. 333 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:22,633 Oh, right, duh. Sorry. 334 00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:24,400 I just read your Frida Kahlo poem. 335 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,300 You are such a little smarty-pants. 336 00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:28,800 Jill. 337 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,067 What'd I do now? 338 00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,333 It's just that you're really not 339 00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,733 supposed to tell them they're smart. 340 00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:36,600 Didn't you read that cover article in the Atlantic Monthly? 341 00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:37,900 I must've missed it. 342 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,267 You're supposed to emphasize effort. 343 00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,133 You know, "Oh, you worked so hard on that." 344 00:13:41,133 --> 00:13:42,867 I mean, otherwise, it just screws them up. 345 00:13:42,867 --> 00:13:46,267 Jill! Jill! Jill Weber! I need my phone. 346 00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:47,800 - Phone! - I need my phone. 347 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,067 - Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. - I need my phone. 348 00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,933 - I need my phone. - Hi. Nice to meet you. 349 00:13:50,933 --> 00:13:52,400 - It's Elliot? - Oh, my God. 350 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:53,400 You know how you are at the end of Yom Kippur? 351 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,567 You can't small talk? 352 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,733 You just need the bagel and cream cheese? 353 00:13:56,733 --> 00:13:57,867 Give me the phone, skinny. 354 00:13:57,867 --> 00:13:59,067 Give us our bagel and cream cheese. 355 00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:02,867 Jeez. You do someone a favor. 356 00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:04,800 Oh, yeah. 357 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,233 - You are going down. - Come on. 358 00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:07,467 Come on--Yes! 359 00:14:07,467 --> 00:14:09,467 Oh, God. Sháá. 360 00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:11,633 X means kiss. O means hug. 361 00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:12,900 Sháá, sháá. 362 00:14:12,900 --> 00:14:14,500 - I told you! I told you! - Yeah, you told me. 363 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,533 Ahh! XO! Oooh! 364 00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:19,633 Should we be worried about Vanessa? 365 00:14:19,633 --> 00:14:21,567 - Suck it. - I see it. 366 00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:24,733 TA is a serious thing, you know? 367 00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,133 Technology Addiction. 368 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,267 [shouting] 369 00:14:28,267 --> 00:14:31,233 Maybe. 370 00:14:31,233 --> 00:14:34,267 [rock music playing] 371 00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:37,300 * * 372 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,533 We have one day. 373 00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:43,633 One day, people, and none of these outfits are right. 374 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,733 Angel, I thought you were presenting me 375 00:14:46,733 --> 00:14:49,567 with seven or eight options. What happened with that? 376 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,667 I did, Mrs. Von Weber, remember? 377 00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:52,667 You chose this. 378 00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,267 Well, then I was out of my mind 379 00:14:55,267 --> 00:14:57,567 because I wouldn't be caught dead in those colors, 380 00:14:57,567 --> 00:14:59,500 and neither would my baby. 381 00:14:59,500 --> 00:15:02,367 We're gonna need something else, stat. 382 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,200 Brookie, do you want some Cool Whip? 383 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,400 I think you might be LBS'ing big time. 384 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,633 My blood sugar is fine. 385 00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:12,367 Honestly, I just want this bowling ball out of me, 386 00:15:12,367 --> 00:15:14,233 so I can be by myself. 387 00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:17,533 In fact, I want every person in this house 388 00:15:17,533 --> 00:15:19,500 who isn't me to leave. 389 00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:22,700 Do whatever you need to do to prepare for tomorrow. 390 00:15:22,700 --> 00:15:27,500 I need to be alone. 391 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,467 - Alone? - Did she say, "alone?" 392 00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:30,800 She's never been here alone. 393 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:31,967 What if she wants to do something? 394 00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:33,633 I don't think we should leave. 395 00:15:33,633 --> 00:15:35,333 - One of us should stay. - Not me. 396 00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,867 I said leave! 397 00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:41,800 Just go! 398 00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:42,867 You are so brave. 399 00:15:42,867 --> 00:15:44,733 That means you too. 400 00:15:44,733 --> 00:15:46,700 Get out! 401 00:15:53,067 --> 00:15:56,933 [prolonged flatulence] 402 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:04,367 [rock music playing] 403 00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:05,300 * * 404 00:16:05,300 --> 00:16:07,400 I go that way. 405 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,233 Oh, I'm going that way, so... 406 00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:12,400 So aside from the fact that you owe me $10,000 407 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,833 and a pint of Blue Marble ice cream, 408 00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:18,467 I'd say our little project luddite was a huge success. 409 00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:20,567 Yeah. It was fun. 410 00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:22,500 XO? 411 00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:30,067 Oh, my God. Are you on your phone again? 412 00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,900 Yeah. Sorry, it's an emergency. 413 00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:33,067 Oh. 414 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,800 [cell phone chimes] 415 00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:47,700 (Jill) Guys, am I crazy for wanting to move here? 416 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,733 No. You're gonna be so much happier here 417 00:16:49,733 --> 00:16:51,833 not being surrounded by all that ridiculous wealth. 418 00:16:51,833 --> 00:16:55,067 Well, I mean, you guys are doing okay too, right? 419 00:16:55,067 --> 00:16:58,567 That artisanal mustard is, what, 20 bucks a jar? 420 00:16:58,567 --> 00:17:00,300 Right, but for me, it's about values. 421 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:01,700 I'd never raise my kids up there. 422 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,467 I mean, it's just so homogenous. 423 00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:05,500 It's like a Tory Burch Messianic cult. 424 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,100 It's white, rich, heterocentric. 425 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:10,833 Well, that's not entirely true. 426 00:17:10,833 --> 00:17:13,300 There's a lot of really, really nice people up there. 427 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,267 Mom, how do you spell quinoa? 428 00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,867 Nobody really knows. 429 00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:18,233 But I think it's Q-U- 430 00:17:18,233 --> 00:17:20,633 - Oh, no, no. Shh, shh. - What are you doing? 431 00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,867 No, no, do not tell them how to spell. 432 00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:25,067 Is this another article I missed? 433 00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:26,833 Is spelling sexist now? 434 00:17:26,833 --> 00:17:28,133 No, it's just not the way it's done. 435 00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:29,967 You're supposed to let them sound it out 436 00:17:29,967 --> 00:17:31,800 so you don't hamper their creativity. 437 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:33,533 But spelling's important. 438 00:17:33,533 --> 00:17:35,667 I mean, when do they learn how to spell? 439 00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:39,933 - Mom! - Aristotle, what? 440 00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:42,067 - I'm hungry! - Now? 441 00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:44,333 I have the bossiest children. 442 00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:46,067 - Mom! - All right. 443 00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:48,867 Come on down, master. 444 00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:50,400 Every time he has a cookie, 445 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,700 he has to wash it down with breast milk. 446 00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:54,333 Wait. Isn't he, like, five? 447 00:17:54,333 --> 00:17:55,533 Yeah, next week. 448 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:58,667 He is growing up so fast. 449 00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:01,833 Dude, are you coming or not? I'm ready to go here. 450 00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,967 Hazel, five minute warning. 451 00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:09,300 Krista, this smoothie is heaven. What's in it? 452 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:10,600 Oh, it's a pot luck. 453 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,067 It's veggies from Carrie's garden. 454 00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:16,100 So it's kale, za'atar, and Adrian's placenta. 455 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:18,467 - Oh. - Jill. 456 00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:21,767 Jill, are you okay? Honey, you seem very tense. 457 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:25,533 Actually, no. I'm not okay. 458 00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:28,233 I'm honored to have been your rock bottom, 459 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:29,933 but this might be my rock bottom 460 00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:32,667 because I just drank afterbirth. 461 00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:36,067 And I'm really sorry, but I believe in spelling, 462 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,633 and I believe in grades, 463 00:18:37,633 --> 00:18:40,733 and I don't care what the Atlantic Monthly says. 464 00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:43,533 You're pretty, and you're smart. 465 00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:47,200 And if you don't think this is a Messianic cult, you're nuts. 466 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,433 Hazel, put down the bongos. Grab the frog. 467 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:53,700 We're getting the F out of here now. 468 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:56,667 [rock music playing] 469 00:18:56,667 --> 00:19:04,767 * * 470 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,367 (Jill) Taxi, take us to the Upper East Side. 471 00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:17,067 Gah! Ugh! I just drank placenta. 472 00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:20,100 Thank you. 473 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,967 Thank you, God, for returning us 474 00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:24,167 to this wonderful neighborhood. 475 00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:27,333 We're home! 476 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:28,767 * Every morning * 477 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,867 * Every evening * 478 00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,900 * Ain't we got fun * 479 00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:37,867 * Not much money, oh, but, honey * 480 00:19:37,867 --> 00:19:41,367 * Ain't we got fun * 481 00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:45,067 * The rent's unpaid, dear * 482 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:48,267 * We haven't a buck * 483 00:19:48,267 --> 00:19:52,067 * But smiles were made, dear * 484 00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:56,067 * For people like us * 485 00:19:56,067 --> 00:20:02,033 * * 486 00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,233 * In the winter, in the summer... * 487 00:20:04,233 --> 00:20:07,467 I hate being pregnant. 488 00:20:07,467 --> 00:20:08,700 Ow. 489 00:20:08,700 --> 00:20:10,900 [laughs] 490 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:12,367 I haven't seen her in years.. 491 00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:14,400 I mean, what's wrong with placenta? 492 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,500 * Still we have fun * 493 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,133 * There's nothing surer * 494 00:20:19,133 --> 00:20:22,967 * The rich get rich and the poor get poorer * 495 00:20:22,967 --> 00:20:26,133 [moaning] 496 00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,433 Oh, sháá. 497 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:35,133 * Ain't we got fun * 498 00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:36,233 [ding] 499 00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:38,667 Hazel, honey, we might be different 500 00:20:38,667 --> 00:20:40,533 from some of the uptight people here, 501 00:20:40,533 --> 00:20:42,167 but this is our home. 502 00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:44,400 Our family is here. And you know what? 503 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:48,300 We might not tell them as often as we should that we love them. 504 00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,533 [cell phone rings] 505 00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,400 - What? - It's Jill. 506 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,067 I just wanted to say good luck tomorrow. 507 00:20:54,067 --> 00:20:55,933 We can't wait to meet our little- 508 00:20:55,933 --> 00:20:58,133 I can't talk right now. 509 00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,867 You sound weird. Are you okay? 510 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,667 No! 511 00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:05,467 There is a tumor with hair coming out of my assáááá. 512 00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:08,733 - What is happening? - That's called "labor." 513 00:21:08,733 --> 00:21:10,967 You're having this baby the natural way. 514 00:21:10,967 --> 00:21:18,967 Nooooo! 515 00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:27,300 female announcer: For more Odd Mom Out, go to Bravotv.com. 516 00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:31,267 Oh, dead. 517 00:21:31,267 --> 00:21:32,500 Left, right, left, right, left, right.