1 00:00:02,333 --> 00:00:03,933 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:03,967 --> 00:00:06,367 [drill whirring] 3 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,233 You have a cavity and we should 4 00:00:08,267 --> 00:00:09,533 take care of it if you've got time. 5 00:00:09,567 --> 00:00:11,367 After the night I just had you could tell me 6 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,200 I needed a root canal and I wouldn't complain. 7 00:00:14,467 --> 00:00:16,933 You know how hard it is to find a mom friend 8 00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:19,267 that you actually like and want to hang out with? 9 00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:21,767 I had an easier time finding a husband. 10 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,467 [sighs] Sorry, I'm trying to put it 11 00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:26,000 behind me, but I think I have PTSD. 12 00:00:26,033 --> 00:00:27,367 This is gonna pinch. 13 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,533 The irony is that it started out fine, 14 00:00:29,567 --> 00:00:30,700 great even. 15 00:00:30,733 --> 00:00:32,600 That's what makes it so tragic. 16 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:35,100 Ahh. 17 00:00:35,133 --> 00:00:37,800 * Hey, yes, you know 18 00:00:37,833 --> 00:00:40,533 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 19 00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:44,467 So, just to double check, the party's over at 1 p.m.? 20 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:45,633 (woman) That's right. - Rima. 21 00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:48,267 We have to stop meeting like this. 22 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,100 We must be on the same party circuit. 23 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:51,967 Except this time we can actually leave 24 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,067 the "drop-off party." 25 00:00:53,100 --> 00:00:55,033 - Hallelujah. [both laugh] 26 00:00:55,067 --> 00:00:56,033 Okay, I have to ask 27 00:00:56,067 --> 00:00:58,367 why does your voice sound so familiar? 28 00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:01,967 "This is Rima Chiquri-Portman, National Public Radio." 29 00:01:02,067 --> 00:01:04,633 I knew it! I was like, in love 30 00:01:04,667 --> 00:01:06,500 with your reporting on the drought in Ethiopia. 31 00:01:06,533 --> 00:01:09,067 I mean, as much as you can be in love 32 00:01:09,067 --> 00:01:10,433 with something so tragic. 33 00:01:10,467 --> 00:01:12,633 - Thank you. - Well, would you ever want 34 00:01:12,667 --> 00:01:14,200 to, like, get coffee sometime? 35 00:01:14,233 --> 00:01:15,767 Oh, how about dinner? 36 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,367 Too forward? 37 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,467 No, radical! Love. 38 00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:23,367 [gasps] A fellow cavewoman. 39 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:24,800 We have to do this now. 40 00:01:24,833 --> 00:01:27,167 How about next Wednesday? 41 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:28,533 Should we try that new Japanese place 42 00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:31,533 - everyone's jizzing about? - On 68th? Totally. 43 00:01:31,567 --> 00:01:33,833 - With husbands? - It's a date! 44 00:01:33,867 --> 00:01:35,600 (Andy) I thought you hate NPs. 45 00:01:35,633 --> 00:01:37,300 I don't hate all new people. 46 00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:39,200 You're always telling me to find my peeps 47 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,300 in the hood and I think I found one. 48 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:42,833 Rima is my peeps. 49 00:01:42,867 --> 00:01:45,267 Okay, and I can feel my penis shrinking 50 00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,667 as I say this, honey, but I thought it was gonna be 51 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,567 - our date night. - It is. 52 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,900 Only with more interesting guest stars. 53 00:01:51,933 --> 00:01:54,833 Rima's been all over the world for NPR. 54 00:01:54,867 --> 00:01:55,833 Now what about the husband? 55 00:01:55,867 --> 00:01:58,100 What does-- what does he do? 56 00:01:58,133 --> 00:02:00,500 I don't know. Something in finance. 57 00:02:00,533 --> 00:02:03,400 Hon, we've been over this. Finance is a broad field. 58 00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:04,933 Is he a hedge fund millionaire 59 00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,100 or does he fix ATM machines? 60 00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,933 Look, all I know is that we could use a fun night out. 61 00:02:09,967 --> 00:02:12,500 And go easy on the sake. We have to have sex later. 62 00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:14,300 Have to? Wait, don't tell me we're trying 63 00:02:14,333 --> 00:02:16,567 - to get pregnant again. - Ew, no. 64 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:18,100 I'm just saying it's been 18 days 65 00:02:18,133 --> 00:02:20,900 and we both know after 19 it starts to get weird. 66 00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:22,900 Well, we are not gonna let it get to 19. 67 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:24,067 Okay, chop, chop. 68 00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,533 I've been saving my appetite all day. 69 00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,433 (Vanessa) Honeys, I'm home! 70 00:02:27,467 --> 00:02:29,067 Come in, we're naked! 71 00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:31,667 [gasps] Love this. 72 00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,067 Where are the littles? 73 00:02:33,067 --> 00:02:34,667 Oh, Ashley's bringing them back any minute. 74 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,500 They were at the park and she got a callback 75 00:02:36,533 --> 00:02:39,733 to play a patient who was raped by her dermatologist on SVU. 76 00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:42,500 Thank you for covering. You'll be okay? 77 00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:43,600 (Andy) Yeah, they're impossible. 78 00:02:43,633 --> 00:02:44,967 Guys, it's not that complicated. 79 00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:47,100 I'm an ER doctor. I deal with kids every day. 80 00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,233 Now, go forth, make a mom-friend 81 00:02:49,267 --> 00:02:50,400 you don't hate. 82 00:02:50,433 --> 00:02:52,433 - Love. - Love you. 83 00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:53,867 Thank you. 84 00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,833 Whoa-ho! 85 00:02:55,867 --> 00:02:57,700 Taxi! 86 00:02:57,733 --> 00:02:58,700 [beeps] 87 00:02:58,733 --> 00:03:01,767 [upbeat music playing] 88 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:06,300 * 89 00:03:06,333 --> 00:03:08,067 Hi, it's under "Weber." 90 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,333 Our friends are, like, two minutes away. 91 00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:13,433 - Jill, hi. - Hi! 92 00:03:13,467 --> 00:03:16,467 Nice to meet you. This is my husband, Joffrey. 93 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,967 Enchanté. God, 94 00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:21,333 I love your whole look. 95 00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,200 It's like Marc Jacobs had a threesome 96 00:03:23,233 --> 00:03:25,200 with Morticia Addams and Karl Lagerfeld's 97 00:03:25,233 --> 00:03:28,600 - androgynous younger sister. - Wow. Thank you. 98 00:03:28,633 --> 00:03:30,067 Welcome to Shiawase. 99 00:03:30,100 --> 00:03:31,933 It is Japanese word for happiness. 100 00:03:31,967 --> 00:03:34,967 - Please follow the me. - Oh, sure. 101 00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:37,067 I'm sorry, but is he... 102 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:38,567 They're perfect! 103 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,433 It's like a BFF and a gay best friend 104 00:03:40,467 --> 00:03:43,367 rolled up in one couple. Don't eff this up. 105 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,900 I thought von Weber was party of six. 106 00:03:45,933 --> 00:03:48,133 No, we're the von-less Webers. 107 00:03:48,167 --> 00:03:49,733 [laughter] - Oh, my God. 108 00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:51,500 - Andy! - Dude! 109 00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:52,633 - Hi! - Crazy! 110 00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:54,133 This isn't happening. 111 00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,133 [speaking Japanese] 112 00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:02,900 What is she saying? 113 00:04:02,933 --> 00:04:06,067 [speaks Japanese] 114 00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,333 Right this way. 115 00:04:08,667 --> 00:04:10,500 No. You-- this can not happen. 116 00:04:10,533 --> 00:04:11,700 You know I hate group dinners. 117 00:04:11,733 --> 00:04:13,067 (Lex) Ah, this is great. 118 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,467 What am I supposed to do? 119 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:17,067 I don't know. Pull the fire alarm. 120 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,533 Light yourself on fire. Something with fire. 121 00:04:19,567 --> 00:04:22,133 Everybody have a seat. Girls on this end, 122 00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,400 boys on that end. 123 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:24,933 Honey, look, I know it's not ideal, 124 00:04:24,967 --> 00:04:26,333 but please try and go with the flow 125 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,867 and try and have a good time for me. 126 00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:31,267 [groans] Fine. Totes. I'm just hungry. 127 00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:32,967 - Lex. How you doing? Hey. - Hey. 128 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,967 [Lex grunts] Hey. 129 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,200 - Jilly beans. You look pretty. - I'm just with my friend. 130 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:38,933 (Lex) Come on, sit down. Sit down. 131 00:04:38,967 --> 00:04:39,967 Tell me everything. 132 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,867 - Hang with the boys tonight. - Rima. 133 00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,167 You're one of the bros, am I right? 134 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,333 I'm Brooke. 135 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:45,500 - Uh, Brooke? - Yeah. 136 00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:49,433 Ew, stop it. 137 00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,067 Hey, guys, cut it out. 138 00:04:51,067 --> 00:04:53,967 Seriously. There are kids in some parts of Africa 139 00:04:54,067 --> 00:04:55,833 who would slurp that noodle off their dirt floor. 140 00:04:55,867 --> 00:04:58,833 - Why is their floor dirt? - And why are they so hungry? 141 00:04:58,867 --> 00:05:01,700 Uh... 142 00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:03,800 those are really good questions, guys. 143 00:05:03,833 --> 00:05:06,100 I guess the main reasons 144 00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,067 are lack of infrastructure, 145 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:10,200 famine, disease... 146 00:05:10,233 --> 00:05:13,600 - and war. - Why do they have a war? 147 00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:15,400 Hmm. Let's back it up. 148 00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:16,567 Have your folks talked to you at all 149 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,200 - about ethnic tensions? - Uh-uh. 150 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:22,567 [Japanese music playing] - Thank you. 151 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,633 So, uh, Jared, what do you do? 152 00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,533 Uh, I short currencies. Ooh! 153 00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:30,300 Yeah! We're getting insta updates off ESPN. 154 00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:32,067 You do it, Hernandez! 155 00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:33,967 - It's awesome. (Brooke) [laughs] 156 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,967 So where did you learn Japanese? 157 00:05:37,067 --> 00:05:40,533 Well, I skied on the U.S. Slalom team at Nagano, 158 00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:42,733 so I think of all the Japanese 159 00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:44,800 - as my "fa-mu-rii." - [laughs] 160 00:05:44,833 --> 00:05:47,700 - It means family. - Wow, you were an Olympian? 161 00:05:47,733 --> 00:05:49,133 - That's amazing. - I know. 162 00:05:49,167 --> 00:05:50,900 Hi, can we get some menus, please? 163 00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:53,300 Not being a diva, I'm just a minute away from 164 00:05:53,333 --> 00:05:55,767 taking a bite out of your beautiful child-face. 165 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,633 Stunning. I'm hypnotized. 166 00:06:00,667 --> 00:06:02,600 You're so sweet. 167 00:06:02,633 --> 00:06:05,100 And I love your scarf. 168 00:06:05,133 --> 00:06:07,700 Is that from the looms of the Rajasthani weaver's guild? 169 00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:09,967 I did a story on them. How did you-- 170 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,600 I was literally just emailing with Devadas-- 171 00:06:11,633 --> 00:06:14,067 Oh, my God. Hi, Danielle. Over here. 172 00:06:14,067 --> 00:06:15,867 Brooke, look who it is. 173 00:06:17,833 --> 00:06:19,833 Jill, let's not make a scene. 174 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,533 What do you mean? She's your peeps. 175 00:06:22,567 --> 00:06:25,767 Not since her husband got nabbed for insider trading. 176 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,767 Wait, so her husband went to jail 177 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,367 so you stop talking to her? 178 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,067 Brooke can't be around all that drama while she's pregnant. 179 00:06:32,067 --> 00:06:35,333 Ten years. Orange is the new bye-bye. 180 00:06:37,333 --> 00:06:40,067 Oh, nope, we don't need menus, we're not tourists. 181 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,200 We're doing... 182 00:06:42,233 --> 00:06:44,600 Omakase. 183 00:06:44,633 --> 00:06:46,167 [gong crashes] 184 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,133 Chef selection menu. 185 00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:51,467 We have silver lotus level and gold dragon level. 186 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,500 Or laughing Buddha level. 187 00:06:54,533 --> 00:06:56,867 11 courses. 188 00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:59,900 So special. Even price is a mystery. 189 00:07:00,067 --> 00:07:01,267 - [woman gasps] - Done. 190 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,900 Ten laughing Buddhas. 191 00:07:02,933 --> 00:07:05,600 Make that nine laughing Buddhas. 192 00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,700 Sorry, I'll just have the creamy, spicy shrimp. 193 00:07:07,733 --> 00:07:12,267 Uh, Omakase menu must be everyone together 194 00:07:12,300 --> 00:07:15,433 or no one can enjoy. 195 00:07:15,467 --> 00:07:19,333 - Is there like a three course? - No, 11 courses all around. 196 00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:21,067 We're gonna be here all night. 197 00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,600 And, uh, six bottles of your best sake. 198 00:07:23,633 --> 00:07:24,767 [cheering] 199 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,367 (waitress) Thank you for your trust. 200 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,400 While we prepare, please enjoy 201 00:07:28,433 --> 00:07:30,700 Japanese lute performance. 202 00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:33,700 [tranquil lute music] 203 00:07:33,733 --> 00:07:36,733 * 204 00:07:40,733 --> 00:07:42,567 You're never at the good end of the table, 205 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,267 you're paying a bajillion dollars 206 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:47,367 to subsidize other people's alcoholism, 207 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,733 and it goes on forevskis and a day. 208 00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,833 - Am I right? - Open wide. 209 00:07:51,867 --> 00:07:53,067 [drill whirring] 210 00:07:54,333 --> 00:07:58,633 First course is fresh Daikon leaf with sea salt. 211 00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:01,633 (all) Ooh. 212 00:08:01,667 --> 00:08:03,533 [Jill scoffs] 213 00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,233 [Brooke laughing] 214 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:08,100 (Brooke) We have to get together sometime. 215 00:08:08,133 --> 00:08:09,900 Just saying hi. 216 00:08:09,933 --> 00:08:12,067 Isn't this ridic? [scoffs] 217 00:08:12,067 --> 00:08:13,833 I mean, really, they probably just picked that 218 00:08:13,867 --> 00:08:14,867 out of the planter in the corner 219 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:16,300 and shoved it on a plate. 220 00:08:16,333 --> 00:08:19,067 Jill, just try it. It's delicious. 221 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:23,067 - It's so fresh. - Oh... kay. 222 00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,400 (Waitress) Next course trio of edamame. 223 00:08:25,433 --> 00:08:27,533 Pearls of wisdom. 224 00:08:27,567 --> 00:08:31,133 Fourth course, bamboo-infused Udon noodle. 225 00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,433 Most auspicious noodle. 226 00:08:33,467 --> 00:08:35,300 [gong crashes] (all) Ooh. 227 00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,733 (Jill) You're so lonely. 228 00:08:42,633 --> 00:08:44,267 [Danielle crying] 229 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:45,767 Jill? 230 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,933 [muffled] How did you know it was me? 231 00:08:48,967 --> 00:08:51,367 Your shoes sounded cheap. [whimpering] 232 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,267 Hey. 233 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:57,100 I'm sorry about your husband, and, you know, jail. 234 00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:59,767 Oh, okay. It's a difficult time. 235 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,233 - Let it out. - Thank you for talking to me. 236 00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:03,967 Brooke won't even look at me. 237 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:07,333 Danielle, you are a strong woman 238 00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,267 and-- 239 00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:10,667 Do you happen to have any snacks in your purse? 240 00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:13,067 My blood sugar is base jumping right now. 241 00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:17,467 You think I'd carry food in my handbag? 242 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,133 What has happened to my life? 243 00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:21,167 No, of course not. You're still you. 244 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,500 Okay. 245 00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:25,533 Just--just without your husband or your friends. 246 00:09:25,567 --> 00:09:27,067 [crying] 247 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,367 Look, I have to go back, but if you need anything, 248 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:34,133 I am here, you know, in spirit. Okay? 249 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:35,133 All right. 250 00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,733 Awesome rocky rolls. 251 00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:41,433 Carbs! * Hallelujah 252 00:09:41,467 --> 00:09:44,167 - Where's mine? - It was delicious. 253 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:48,700 - Like a pussy made out of rice. - [laughter] 254 00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:52,467 Jilly beans, you gotta listen to Sebastian's story. 255 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:54,867 I just banged this epileptic chick. 256 00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:57,433 I made her c*á so hard she had a seizure. 257 00:09:57,467 --> 00:10:00,667 In bed she was like... [groaning] 258 00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:03,333 [laughter] 259 00:10:03,367 --> 00:10:04,867 Wait, excuse me, aren't you married? 260 00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:07,767 - Oh, yeah. - Hey, he's deaf. 261 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,367 - So? - Anyway, I'd go with your wife. 262 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,367 I think about it all the time. 263 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,267 What are you guys talking about? 264 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:16,633 Who at the table we'd bone if our wives 265 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:18,700 - gave us a freebie. - I bet you she's a screamer. 266 00:10:18,733 --> 00:10:22,300 [Lex laughs] - And I love fake tits. 267 00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:24,200 - Whoa! - Dude, if you were anybody else 268 00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:26,467 I would pummel you, but you're you, 269 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,700 so it's hilarious. 270 00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:30,533 Hey, let's hear the Jill version. Huh? 271 00:10:30,567 --> 00:10:32,000 Which one of us would it be? 272 00:10:32,033 --> 00:10:33,533 For sh*á* and gigs. 273 00:10:33,567 --> 00:10:36,533 [funky music playing] 274 00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:42,267 * 275 00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,367 This is thick. 276 00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,833 I would take you all up to my bedroom... 277 00:10:47,867 --> 00:10:49,700 - Oh! - Oh, she's crazy! 278 00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:52,467 And then I'd roofie you, roll you up in a duvet, 279 00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:55,733 and light it on fire. Excuse me. 280 00:10:55,767 --> 00:10:58,300 Jilly beans. 281 00:10:58,333 --> 00:10:59,667 That's kinda dark. 282 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,333 We are in hour three. 283 00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:03,900 Seriously, call the police. 284 00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:05,900 Tell them there's a hostage situation. 285 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,467 It isn't even really a lie. 286 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,067 [groans] Group dinners. 287 00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:11,833 It's like hell and purgatory at the same time. 288 00:11:11,867 --> 00:11:13,567 Sometimes I think you're the only person 289 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,067 who really understands me. 290 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,733 I'm definitely the only person who understands you. 291 00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:19,100 - How many people? - Ten! 292 00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:21,100 And my mom-friend thinks I'm cellophane 293 00:11:21,133 --> 00:11:23,067 and Brooke is turning on her tractor beam, 294 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,500 and acting all smart. 295 00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:27,067 Listen, you have a tractor beam. You're smart. 296 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:28,400 You had the date with the mom-friend. 297 00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:29,600 I say fight back. 298 00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,867 Thanks, I think I will. 299 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,300 Love you. Bye. 300 00:11:35,533 --> 00:11:37,100 So, where were we? 301 00:11:37,133 --> 00:11:39,067 (all) AIDS. 302 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:42,067 [funky music playing] 303 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:46,600 * 304 00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,433 Do you mind if I take this? 305 00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:52,067 - Thanks. [Brooke laughs] 306 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,533 Jill, what are you doing? 307 00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:55,733 - Just joining the party. - There's no place setting. 308 00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,133 Oh, it's okay. 309 00:11:58,167 --> 00:12:00,567 - So where were we? - I was just telling Rima 310 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:02,400 how, ever since the sale, 311 00:12:02,433 --> 00:12:04,100 I've felt I needed a bigger 312 00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:06,333 philanthropic canvas, so to speak. 313 00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:08,133 If you are as fortunate as we are, 314 00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:09,967 you have to constantly be giving back 315 00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,300 or you start to look bad. 316 00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:13,600 So, I thought, 317 00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,800 "Who needs things?" 318 00:12:15,833 --> 00:12:17,833 Orphans in Africa. 319 00:12:17,867 --> 00:12:19,233 Well, what are you going to focus on? 320 00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:20,533 I mean, there's just so many issues. 321 00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,300 Totally. Ebola, hunger. 322 00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:25,633 But then it hit me... 323 00:12:25,667 --> 00:12:28,200 Bouncy castles. 324 00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,600 Wait, you're going to send 325 00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:35,767 bouncy castles to Africa? 326 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,700 Did you ever consider, I don't know, 327 00:12:37,733 --> 00:12:39,733 toilets or medicine? 328 00:12:39,767 --> 00:12:41,700 [laughs nervously] 329 00:12:41,733 --> 00:12:44,067 It may seem frivolous, 330 00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:46,233 but bouncy castles are low-cost to ship 331 00:12:46,267 --> 00:12:47,833 and they don't require any assembly. 332 00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,467 The way I see it, 333 00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,200 joy shouldn't be a luxury item. 334 00:12:55,667 --> 00:12:57,967 I think it's original, Brooke. 335 00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:01,833 You're giving these poor kids a chance to just be kids. 336 00:13:01,867 --> 00:13:04,700 - You get it. - I'm sorry, Rima, 337 00:13:04,733 --> 00:13:07,333 but when you were in "Nambia," did it really seem like 338 00:13:07,367 --> 00:13:10,167 the thing they needed the most was bouncy castles? 339 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,367 - Do you mean Namibia? - "Nambia's" not a country. 340 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,900 Oh, right, I meant Zambia. 341 00:13:15,933 --> 00:13:17,567 Ah. 342 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:18,967 [gong crashes] 343 00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:21,067 Seventh course is holy water 344 00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,600 from mountains of Nagano prefecture. 345 00:13:23,633 --> 00:13:26,500 [Brooke gasps] Nagano! 346 00:13:26,533 --> 00:13:27,567 [sighs] 347 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:31,067 [triumphant fanfare] 348 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,800 Mmm. 349 00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:35,067 Tastes just how I remember. 350 00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,600 Like victory. 351 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:44,233 I mean, couldn't you just barf? 352 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:46,667 Rima's eating it up and I'm sitting there 353 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,667 starving my ass off trapped in a douche canoe 354 00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:51,867 with a chopstick for a paddle. 355 00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:53,500 [laughter] 356 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:58,900 Eighth course is whipped fermented fish paste. 357 00:13:58,933 --> 00:14:00,433 (all) Ooh. 358 00:14:00,467 --> 00:14:02,500 [gong crashes] 359 00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:09,600 Hon, I'm sorry, I tried, I really tried, 360 00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:11,167 but here's my proposal. 361 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,300 Popeye's, sex, and Broad City. 362 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:16,433 No! You can't take him from me. 363 00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:18,467 No, ma'am. 364 00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:19,733 Come on, hon, I don't want to leave. 365 00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:21,600 I'm having fun. 366 00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:24,067 Okay, you stay and I'm gonna take 367 00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,533 my "hangry" ass home. 368 00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,733 You cannot miss the sea urchin course. 369 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:30,267 - Now sit your tiny ass down. - [laughs] 370 00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,467 I forbid you to leave. 371 00:14:34,867 --> 00:14:36,233 [sighs] 372 00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:39,967 So, Jared, what made you the, uh, 373 00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:42,300 unforgettable person you are today? 374 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,900 - Spare no details. - I'm glad you asked. 375 00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:46,833 I was born with acid reflux 376 00:14:46,867 --> 00:14:49,533 so I grew up in Scarsdale, my mom's a piano teacher... 377 00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:52,100 ...held off my circumcision... I had to wear corrective shoes 378 00:14:52,133 --> 00:14:53,500 till my Bar Mitzvah... Yeah, I was molested 379 00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:55,933 by my uncle and my third grade teacher. 380 00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,933 And my track coach. I think I must've just been 381 00:14:57,967 --> 00:14:59,800 a really beautiful kid. 382 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,700 Final course. Fragile egg shell. 383 00:15:02,733 --> 00:15:05,867 (all) Ooh. 384 00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:10,600 Empty of substance like life. 385 00:15:10,633 --> 00:15:13,767 It is whimsical Zen koan of dessert. 386 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,967 Thank you. Good night. 387 00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:26,667 Honey, we should go. Sitter, okay? 388 00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:27,867 Check please. 389 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,200 - Six grand, yo. [all groaning] 390 00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:39,067 Must have been the sake. 391 00:15:39,067 --> 00:15:40,800 Hey, credit card roulette. 392 00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:43,333 Testicles on the table, d-bags. 393 00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:45,567 Boom. 394 00:15:50,267 --> 00:15:51,933 Do the honors. 395 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:02,067 Boom! 396 00:16:02,067 --> 00:16:06,233 - It's me. [laughter] 397 00:16:06,267 --> 00:16:08,533 Yeah, it's nothing. It's chump change. 398 00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:11,533 Okay, well, this has been really great. 399 00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:13,933 What a coincidence, we should buy a Lotto ticket 400 00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:16,433 on the way home. Thank you. 401 00:16:16,467 --> 00:16:19,200 Okay. What--what happened to your ring? 402 00:16:22,867 --> 00:16:25,867 [screams] No! 403 00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:32,067 (Dottie) But do you believe in God, Aunt Vanessa? 404 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:35,867 Um, I don't think I do, actually. 405 00:16:35,900 --> 00:16:38,333 You know? I kind of see God as a comforting, 406 00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,667 imaginary figure that makes people feel better. 407 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,867 Like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. 408 00:16:42,900 --> 00:16:46,233 The Tooth Fairy's not real? 409 00:16:46,267 --> 00:16:48,967 Okay, one more topic and then you're going to sleep. 410 00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,533 And this time, I mean it. 411 00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:53,167 But, Aunt Vanessa, if it's not God, 412 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,933 then who gives people AIDS? 413 00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:57,900 Hm, how many of you 414 00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,133 have heard the term, "retrovirus"? 415 00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:04,100 - [Brooke crying] - (Officer) Ma'am, calm down. 416 00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:06,200 Do you mind telling me what happened? 417 00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,733 Ma'am, I understand you're upset, 418 00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,367 but we can't perform rectal searches 419 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:10,500 without probable cause. 420 00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:13,367 - Find anything? - Just a sticky Euro. 421 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,100 I am so sorry this was such a disaster. 422 00:17:16,133 --> 00:17:18,433 Are you kidding? 11 course meal, 423 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,067 jewel heist, this is the most fun 424 00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:22,300 I've had in a long time. 425 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:24,333 I was always so intimidated by your sister-in-law, 426 00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:25,800 but she's actually quite warm. 427 00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:28,067 You've had dinner with the Taliban 428 00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:29,900 and you're intimidated by Brooke? 429 00:17:29,933 --> 00:17:32,367 Yeah, I mean, she's just so... 430 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:35,100 glamorous. I could never be like that. 431 00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:37,533 Forget it. 432 00:17:37,567 --> 00:17:41,333 Let the record reflect that I "went with the flow." 433 00:17:41,367 --> 00:17:42,967 You know who else went with the flow? 434 00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:45,233 Leo DiCaprio in Titanic. 435 00:17:45,267 --> 00:17:47,067 Honey, what are you gonna do? 436 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,633 - She lost her rock. - Does nothing bother you? 437 00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:51,833 We've been here for seven hours! 438 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,200 I actually had a good time, hon. 439 00:17:53,233 --> 00:17:55,233 I mean, I'm sorry that you got stuck at the bankers end 440 00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:57,900 of the table, but what do you want from me? 441 00:17:57,933 --> 00:18:00,267 I just wish, every once in a while, 442 00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:03,133 that people annoyed you as much as they annoy me. 443 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:05,700 Well, I'm annoyed right now. 444 00:18:05,733 --> 00:18:07,267 Ya happy? 445 00:18:12,867 --> 00:18:14,067 [Danielle crying] 446 00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,867 Jesus, you're still here? 447 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:18,767 Jill? 448 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,133 I just couldn't deal with them all looking at me again 449 00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:22,667 when I walked out. 450 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:24,233 - Danielle, - What? 451 00:18:24,267 --> 00:18:26,067 Who cares what a bunch of 452 00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:29,067 anorexic, pill-popping hypocrites think? 453 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,300 I mean, they let this vile misogynist 454 00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:33,267 go on and on about the other women 455 00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,133 he's banging because he's deaf. 456 00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:37,567 And another one is pretending her husband 457 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,867 isn't sashaying down Christopher Street 458 00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:43,967 - waving a rainbow flag. [toilet flushes] 459 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,800 Rima, hi. 460 00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:52,700 Wow, that was a lot. 461 00:18:52,733 --> 00:18:55,067 I'm sorry, it was the low blood sugar talking. 462 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:57,133 I barely ate anything all day and the portions 463 00:18:57,167 --> 00:18:59,300 are like you need a microscope to see them. 464 00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:01,400 Hey, it's not my business. 465 00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:05,067 I'm just surprised that you're harshing on everyone. 466 00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:08,067 You just seemed so nice. 467 00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,567 And you know what? That was really offensive. 468 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,333 That man is not gay, he is deaf. 469 00:19:23,167 --> 00:19:25,133 Snap, that was cold. 470 00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,233 - Hey. - Sorry we're so late. 471 00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:36,933 So, what happened with the mom-crush? 472 00:19:36,967 --> 00:19:39,067 Pretty sure I dirty-bombed that friendship. 473 00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,567 You think I'm a nice person, don't you? 474 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,567 If you were just "a nice person," 475 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,467 we wouldn't be friends. Come here. 476 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,767 I worship you. 477 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,100 Littles? 478 00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:51,900 Perfect angels. What else... 479 00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:53,433 There's a load of laundry in the dryer, 480 00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:56,067 I finished your grapes, and oh, yeah, 481 00:19:56,067 --> 00:19:58,733 I told the kids about starvation, war, and AIDS. 482 00:19:58,767 --> 00:19:59,733 And how there's no God. 483 00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,267 Okay, I love you. 484 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,300 Love you more. Bye. 485 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:06,533 Night. 486 00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:07,867 Mmm. 487 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,900 [snoring] 488 00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,800 Hey, you're snoring again. 489 00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:19,800 What's it? Sex time? 490 00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:22,533 No. Babe, 491 00:20:22,567 --> 00:20:24,200 tonight sucked balls, 492 00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:26,600 and it wasn't entirely your fault. 493 00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:30,433 Is that-- [stammers] 494 00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:32,800 I accept your apology. 495 00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:35,667 I think this Upper East Side momzilla scene 496 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,700 is making me crazy. 497 00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,567 Maybe it's time for us to move. 498 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:45,633 [snoring] 499 00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,267 [rock music plays] 500 00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:49,100 We never did find Brooke's rock. 501 00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,700 If there's any justice in the world, 502 00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:54,933 it went home up a busboy's butthole. 503 00:20:54,967 --> 00:20:56,133 (Brooke) There you are. 504 00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,100 Damn pregnancy boobs. 505 00:20:58,133 --> 00:21:01,067 Anyway, I feel so much better after talking to you. 506 00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:03,633 I mean, Rima's just one person. 507 00:21:03,667 --> 00:21:06,533 This is a big city. It's not like she's whispering 508 00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:08,900 into everyone's ears telling them what to think. 509 00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:11,367 (Rima on radio) ...once the main thoroughfare of the storied towns. 510 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,933 but now it looks like a river. 511 00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,600 I'm Rima Chiquri-Portman... 512 00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:16,067 (Dentist) I just love this reporter. 513 00:21:16,067 --> 00:21:18,467 She's so substantive. Don't you think? 514 00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:20,133 (Man on radio) Rima Chiquri-Portman reports on a charity 515 00:21:20,167 --> 00:21:21,933 that brings bouncy castles to Africa. 516 00:21:21,967 --> 00:21:24,933 (Jill) For more Odd Mom Out go to bravotv.com. 517 00:21:24,967 --> 00:21:26,933 [seagulls crying, splat] (girl) Oh, dear. 518 00:21:28,967 --> 00:21:30,933 (boy) Left, right, left, right, left, right!