1 00:00:02,767 --> 00:00:04,400 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:05,733 --> 00:00:06,867 Babe, I'm buggin'. 3 00:00:06,867 --> 00:00:08,467 Today at pickup, we were, like, 4 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,367 the only people who hadn't heard from schools 5 00:00:10,367 --> 00:00:11,667 to set up the interviews. 6 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:13,133 Should I call to check in? 7 00:00:13,133 --> 00:00:15,800 No, you've got to stop thinking about school applications. 8 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,133 Live your life, honey. 9 00:00:17,133 --> 00:00:19,033 Maybe stop sleeping with the phone between your boobs. 10 00:00:19,033 --> 00:00:20,733 But what if I miss the call? 11 00:00:20,733 --> 00:00:21,933 I heard about this woman 12 00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:23,633 who missed the call from St. Sebastian's, 13 00:00:23,633 --> 00:00:25,033 wound up in hellish phone tag, 14 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,633 and now her daughter's a Knicks City Dancer. 15 00:00:27,633 --> 00:00:29,100 [phone rings] 16 00:00:29,100 --> 00:00:30,667 Landline! Landline! 17 00:00:30,667 --> 00:00:32,333 Okay, okay. 18 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,500 [phone beeps] - Hello? 19 00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:37,833 Oh, that's exciting. 20 00:00:37,833 --> 00:00:39,933 Interview Friday, yes. 21 00:00:39,933 --> 00:00:44,300 That's fine. Great. Thank you. 22 00:00:44,300 --> 00:00:45,400 What school? What time? 23 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,433 It wasn't school. 24 00:00:47,433 --> 00:00:48,633 It's a cemetery. 25 00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:49,867 What? 26 00:00:49,867 --> 00:00:51,867 It's this fancy application-only cemetery, 27 00:00:51,867 --> 00:00:52,933 Greenacres Park. 28 00:00:52,933 --> 00:00:55,133 You have to apply to a cemetery? 29 00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:56,867 Mom's been obsessed with it for years. 30 00:00:56,867 --> 00:00:59,033 They just booted a few more of the Madoffs, 31 00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,067 so now we have a chance of getting off the wait list. 32 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:03,333 As if getting into the right kindergarten weren't enough, 33 00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:05,400 now I have to get into the right worm buffet? 34 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,733 Honey, my family's still pissed 35 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,600 that we didn't put the "Von" back into our name. 36 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,333 We are in the dog house. 37 00:01:10,333 --> 00:01:11,833 We're in the maison du chien? 38 00:01:11,833 --> 00:01:12,867 Oui. 39 00:01:12,867 --> 00:01:14,300 So just get on board 40 00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:16,633 and come to this interview tomorrow. 41 00:01:16,633 --> 00:01:18,367 Okay, I will be there, 42 00:01:18,367 --> 00:01:19,767 and I will kill it. 43 00:01:19,767 --> 00:01:22,900 Please don't kill anything. Just be yourself... 44 00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:25,433 on Xanax. 45 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,933 * Hey, yes, you know * 46 00:01:27,933 --> 00:01:31,467 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 47 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:34,067 (Cardiff) Let me ask you something, Doc. 48 00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:35,133 How old are you? 49 00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:37,133 - 39 and change. - Mm. 50 00:01:37,133 --> 00:01:38,700 You got kids? 51 00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:40,600 No, and I can save you the trouble. 52 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,833 My best friend's always on me to freeze my eggs. 53 00:01:42,833 --> 00:01:44,567 I have cobwebs on my uterus. 54 00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,200 No, don't do it. 55 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,767 Kids take. They use. 56 00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,733 They filch the joy out of your life. 57 00:01:50,733 --> 00:01:51,900 Really? 58 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:54,167 But your children seem so devoted to you. 59 00:01:54,167 --> 00:01:56,300 Ah, they're sharks circling for chum. 60 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:58,167 Ingrates, every one of them. 61 00:01:58,167 --> 00:02:00,133 I dropped out of school in the eighth grade 62 00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:02,700 to support my family and never stopped. 63 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,800 My kids, they've found their passions. 64 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,733 Find yours. See the world. 65 00:02:08,733 --> 00:02:10,600 You mean there's a world outside this hospital? 66 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,500 [laughing] 67 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,267 You're funny, Doc. 68 00:02:14,267 --> 00:02:16,667 You're like the child I wish I never had. 69 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,900 [chuckles] 70 00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:21,300 Make me a promise. 71 00:02:21,300 --> 00:02:23,067 Come to my wake. 72 00:02:23,067 --> 00:02:24,300 Mr. Cardiff, you're not dying. 73 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,633 I've hung out with a lot of people 74 00:02:25,633 --> 00:02:27,867 right at the end, and trust me-- 75 00:02:27,867 --> 00:02:30,633 [flatline] 76 00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:32,667 Oh, shit. 77 00:02:40,967 --> 00:02:43,533 What's going on, Paul? I'm kind of swamped here. 78 00:02:43,533 --> 00:02:44,733 Here's the thing. 79 00:02:44,733 --> 00:02:47,100 Emily quit 'cause she didn't make partner. 80 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:49,100 I was afraid of that. She's a friend of mine. 81 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:50,700 Well, she was pissed. 82 00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:52,100 You should have heard her on the way out. 83 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:54,467 Glass ceiling this, Hillary Clinton that. 84 00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,667 Cone of silence-- 85 00:02:55,667 --> 00:02:57,367 I think she's going through early menopause. 86 00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,067 Paul, she's, like, 35. 87 00:02:59,067 --> 00:03:00,833 I know. It's a shame. 88 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:02,200 Anyway, she's filing 89 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:05,100 a sexual-discrimination suit against the firm, 90 00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,633 which is weird, 91 00:03:06,633 --> 00:03:08,333 'cause she's not even hot. 92 00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:10,833 We thought you could handle our defense 93 00:03:10,833 --> 00:03:12,500 because you know her weaknesses. 94 00:03:12,500 --> 00:03:14,667 Really sink your teeth into her neck 95 00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:16,833 and just start shaking and shaking 96 00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:20,233 and shaking, until she's dead... 97 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:21,900 legally speaking. 98 00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:27,700 And the best part is that this cemetery 99 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:30,933 requires ten letters of recommendation. 100 00:03:30,933 --> 00:03:32,733 "Ten"? Come on. 101 00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:34,100 That say what? 102 00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:38,100 "I've never known a family to decompose with more grace." 103 00:03:38,100 --> 00:03:39,633 "Their offspring will only leave 104 00:03:39,633 --> 00:03:41,667 the most stylish flower arrangements." 105 00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:44,700 "They won't slide open their coffin tops 106 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:49,267 and rise up to perform Thriller choreography." 107 00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,200 Hey-hee! 108 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,767 Death must be trending. 109 00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:56,900 Tomorrow I have my very first wake. 110 00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:58,900 Mazel tov. Who croaked? 111 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,300 This amazing old guy 112 00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,967 who practically died in my arms yesterday. 113 00:04:02,967 --> 00:04:04,433 How Juliette Binoche. 114 00:04:04,433 --> 00:04:06,167 Since when do you bond enough with patients 115 00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:07,333 to go to their wake? 116 00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:08,567 This guy was special. 117 00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:09,867 And get a load of his name-- 118 00:04:09,867 --> 00:04:12,200 Pendleton Rutledge Cardiff IV. 119 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,500 PRC4 died in your arms? 120 00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:16,667 His obit was, like, half a page 121 00:04:16,667 --> 00:04:18,967 in the New York Times, above the fold. 122 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:20,100 He's "maje." 123 00:04:20,100 --> 00:04:22,200 He's like the Rockefeller of our day. 124 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,900 I bet you a million bucks 125 00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:26,367 he's RIP-ing at Greenacres Park. 126 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,233 I have to admit, being there right when he died 127 00:04:28,233 --> 00:04:29,900 kind of got to me. 128 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:31,733 It made me think seriously about-- 129 00:04:31,733 --> 00:04:33,067 Hijacking some sperm? 130 00:04:33,067 --> 00:04:34,433 The opposite, actually. 131 00:04:34,433 --> 00:04:36,600 He's the first person I've ever heard say 132 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,400 he regretted having kids. 133 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,700 Said they were basically parasites 134 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,067 who sucked all the time, energy, 135 00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:42,233 and joy out of his life. 136 00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:43,633 He is dead to me. 137 00:04:43,633 --> 00:04:46,200 Well, he's dead, so... 138 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,200 The point is, I work and I watch TV. 139 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,700 I jog and have sex occasionally. 140 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,067 What are my passions? 141 00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,967 See, the thing about having kids is, 142 00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:56,100 you don't have to worry 143 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,967 about stupid stuff like passions. 144 00:04:57,967 --> 00:04:59,100 [chuckles] 145 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,667 Okay, what's on your bucket list, 146 00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:02,700 aside from banging Viggo Mortensen 147 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:04,667 in his full Lord of the Rings outfit? 148 00:05:04,667 --> 00:05:06,700 I don't know. 149 00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:08,200 I used to be kind of outdoorsy. 150 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,533 When, in a previous life? 151 00:05:10,533 --> 00:05:12,900 - Oh, my God, tater war! - [laughs] 152 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,633 Okay, I've got to drop off the kids, 153 00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:16,333 get gussied up for my corpse interview, 154 00:05:16,333 --> 00:05:18,967 so we need to get the Czechoslovakia. 155 00:05:26,867 --> 00:05:28,633 (Jill) Okay, guys, we're gonna be late! 156 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:32,933 Love you, have fun. 157 00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,500 (Miles) Happy birthday, BJ! 158 00:05:34,500 --> 00:05:36,400 Thanks, Marisa. I'll see you in two hours? 159 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:37,700 No, it's not drop-off. 160 00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:38,867 But, yes, it is. 161 00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:40,400 I double-checked my Paperless Post. 162 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:41,433 It said drop-off. 163 00:05:41,433 --> 00:05:42,667 No, not for people with twins 164 00:05:42,667 --> 00:05:44,433 or kids who have too much screen time. 165 00:05:44,433 --> 00:05:46,867 And, well, let's face it, you kind of cover both. 166 00:05:46,867 --> 00:05:48,100 Have some pizza. 167 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,333 It has no crust, no sauce, no dairy. 168 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:52,533 Right, sure, I just have this thing I cannot miss, 169 00:05:52,533 --> 00:05:53,900 - and I didn't realize-- - Stop it, BJ! 170 00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:57,100 Byron James, you get your head out of her crotch now! 171 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:01,267 Hey, you're Jill, right? 172 00:06:01,267 --> 00:06:02,800 - Yes. - Rima. 173 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,900 Hi. You were on the Dalton tour with me this spring. 174 00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,600 Yeah, and Trinity, I think. 175 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,233 So have those schools called you to set up the interviews yet? 176 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:11,833 Sorry. Don't answer that. 177 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,900 I'm trying to stay as sane as possible 178 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,467 through this process. 179 00:06:15,467 --> 00:06:16,967 But did they? 180 00:06:16,967 --> 00:06:19,167 Yes, but don't worry. They'll call. 181 00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:22,067 And I'm happy to watch the twins. 182 00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:24,500 Henry's cousin taught him to "whip it out" last week, 183 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,267 so I'm not going anywhere. 184 00:06:26,267 --> 00:06:28,167 You are a goddess among mortals. 185 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:29,733 Can I give you my cell? 186 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,200 Only Highgate Cemetery in London 187 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,667 competes with Greenacres. 188 00:06:43,667 --> 00:06:46,067 The Parliament even consulted us when they were expanding. 189 00:06:46,067 --> 00:06:47,400 [banging] 190 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:48,900 I am so sorry. 191 00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,400 Oh, my God, the subway took "forevskis," 192 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,867 and then these tourists stopped me 193 00:06:52,867 --> 00:06:53,967 to ask for directions, 194 00:06:53,967 --> 00:06:56,067 and it turned into this whole therapy sesh 195 00:06:56,067 --> 00:06:59,267 about their Airbnb. 196 00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:01,067 What, did I say something bad? 197 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,900 Oh. 198 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:06,267 Sorry. Please continue. 199 00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:09,233 [clears throat] As I was saying, 200 00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:11,067 our grounds hold some of the most legendary 201 00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:12,533 members of society-- 202 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,800 heads of state, Barney...of Barney's, 203 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,100 Sunny von Bulow, poor dear. 204 00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:20,900 Most of our aboveground monuments are made of limestone, 205 00:07:20,900 --> 00:07:24,133 but there is one that is one continuous piece 206 00:07:24,133 --> 00:07:25,833 of black granite. 207 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,367 Honey, put that away, please. 208 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,500 I can't. 209 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:32,633 I have no bars here, 210 00:07:32,633 --> 00:07:34,533 and I need to be available in case schools call. 211 00:07:34,533 --> 00:07:36,533 They still haven't called? 212 00:07:36,533 --> 00:07:37,933 Yikes. 213 00:07:37,933 --> 00:07:39,800 Our proximity to a natural spring 214 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,767 makes for a year-round verdant heath. 215 00:07:43,767 --> 00:07:45,133 Sorry. I'm completely listening. 216 00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:47,067 I just--I'm trying to find some bars. 217 00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,800 I'm expecting an urgent call-- or 14, actually. 218 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,700 Ah, this is good. Okay, continue. 219 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:56,967 We have unmatched maintenance for our landscape design. 220 00:07:56,967 --> 00:07:59,533 Pigeons are kept at bay by a red-tailed fox-- 221 00:07:59,533 --> 00:08:01,267 [bluesy ringtone] 222 00:08:01,267 --> 00:08:03,933 Oh, sorry, this will just take a sec. 223 00:08:03,933 --> 00:08:05,767 - Hello? - Hey, Jill. 224 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:07,933 He's totally fine, 225 00:08:07,933 --> 00:08:09,700 but Miles broke his glasses, 226 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:10,867 and now he's bawling. 227 00:08:10,867 --> 00:08:12,700 Oh, my God, how did they break? 228 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,833 Wait. Miles doesn't even wear glasses. 229 00:08:14,833 --> 00:08:16,267 He doesn't? 230 00:08:16,267 --> 00:08:18,700 No, he's in a white T with blue sleeves. 231 00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:19,900 Oh, I've been watching the wrong kid. 232 00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:21,100 I see him now. 233 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,800 He's picking his nose. He's fine. 234 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,533 - Thanks. - Honey, sit down. 235 00:08:24,533 --> 00:08:26,233 Sorry. Continue. 236 00:08:26,233 --> 00:08:28,167 So, if you were to be accepted, 237 00:08:28,167 --> 00:08:31,333 five available plots are here on the grassy knoll. 238 00:08:31,333 --> 00:08:35,267 The other eight are across the glen at the ocean's edge, 239 00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:37,533 with a view of the sunset and the horizon. 240 00:08:37,533 --> 00:08:39,200 (Candace) Magnificent. 241 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,700 - That's exquisite. - That would be beautiful. 242 00:08:41,700 --> 00:08:44,067 But we're dead, right? 243 00:08:49,767 --> 00:08:51,567 Come on, Vanessa, keep pushing! 244 00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:53,733 - Keep pushing! - [shouts] 245 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,767 You're almost at the top. 246 00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:58,400 You got one more step. Come on. 247 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,433 [Vanessa shouts] 248 00:09:00,433 --> 00:09:01,933 Oh, my God! 249 00:09:01,933 --> 00:09:03,067 I did it! 250 00:09:03,067 --> 00:09:04,567 Whoo-hoo! 251 00:09:07,267 --> 00:09:08,600 Now what? 252 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,067 Well, you come down. 253 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,067 Oh. 254 00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:13,700 So what'd I come up here for? 255 00:09:13,700 --> 00:09:15,500 The experience? 256 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:16,867 Oh. 257 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,967 Pricey experience. 258 00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:25,333 In one scenario, the plain Webers 259 00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:27,200 would rest here on the grassy knoll, 260 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,833 and the Von Webers, party of eight, 261 00:09:30,833 --> 00:09:33,100 would be laid by the ocean. 262 00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,933 Wait. Why would there be eight? 263 00:09:34,933 --> 00:09:37,900 Well, naturally, one for my unborn granddaughter, 264 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:40,167 whose name I'm not allowed to know. 265 00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:42,633 Apparently, it's a big state secret. 266 00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:44,700 Right, but that still leaves one extra plot. 267 00:09:44,700 --> 00:09:46,733 Then it's for my future husband, 268 00:09:46,733 --> 00:09:48,567 unknown as he may be at this moment. 269 00:09:48,567 --> 00:09:49,600 What? 270 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:51,867 Dad would be devastated if you remarried. 271 00:09:51,867 --> 00:09:55,433 Your father lost his vote the day he decided to go 272 00:09:55,433 --> 00:09:57,200 on the great white shark expedition. 273 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,267 [bluesy ringtone] 274 00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:00,533 (Jill) I'm sorry. 275 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:01,567 Hello? 276 00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,100 (Rima) Okay, so... 277 00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:05,867 now real Miles has a bloody nose. 278 00:10:05,867 --> 00:10:08,500 I wouldn't have called, but it's like a tsunami. 279 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,633 He bled all over BJ, and now he's soaking. 280 00:10:10,633 --> 00:10:13,100 Oh, my God, BJ's soaking? 281 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,033 Okay, this happens sometimes. 282 00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:17,933 Just take a tampon, cut it in half lengthwise, 283 00:10:17,933 --> 00:10:20,433 and shove it up there. 284 00:10:20,433 --> 00:10:21,833 I'm on my way. 285 00:10:21,833 --> 00:10:24,567 Would you please forgive us for these hideous interruptions? 286 00:10:24,567 --> 00:10:25,967 So sorry. 287 00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:28,167 it's 4:30, and I didn't budget for this colossal schlep. 288 00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:30,433 My kids are at a party. There's a bloody nose. 289 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:32,367 So it's really been a pleasure. 290 00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:34,200 Just dump my bones anywhere. 291 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,333 I'm easy. Okay. Bye-bye! 292 00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:43,000 I am so, so sorry. 293 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,500 They are charging me $15 for every minute of overtime, 294 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:47,267 and you are 42 minutes late. 295 00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,300 (man) 43 296 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,867 I am going to reimburse you. 297 00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:52,833 Oh, my God, I am so mortified. 298 00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:55,667 Wait, how much is-- So math is not my strong suit. 299 00:10:55,667 --> 00:10:58,333 Okay, do you take frozen yogurt cards? 300 00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,733 It's only one more stamp, and then you get a free medium, 301 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,067 two toppings. 302 00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:03,500 Okay, I'm gonna give you a check. 303 00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:05,333 Take your kids and leave. 304 00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:06,300 [bluesy ringtone] 305 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,333 Okay. Wait, my phone! 306 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,800 My phone! My phone, sorry. 307 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:09,967 It's a school! 308 00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:11,300 Oh, my God. 309 00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:12,600 Hello? 310 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,967 Yes, this is she. 311 00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:16,400 Yes. 312 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,500 No, that is not your present! 313 00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,733 Sorry. Shh. 314 00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:21,600 - Are you kidding me? - Terrific, thank you. 315 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,300 Thanks. Bye. 316 00:11:23,300 --> 00:11:25,500 Okay. I am so sorry. 317 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:26,500 [bluesy ringtone] 318 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:27,567 Oh, my God, another school. 319 00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:29,167 Sorry. When it rains, it pours. 320 00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,567 Hello? 321 00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:34,267 Yes, wonderful. Thank you so much. 322 00:11:34,267 --> 00:11:35,433 Bye-bye. 323 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,733 I'm so sorry. 324 00:11:36,733 --> 00:11:37,767 Just go. 325 00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:40,233 Okay, guys. Oh, my God, you poor thing. 326 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,900 Okay, bye. Thanks so much for having us. 327 00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:44,100 Say thanks. 328 00:11:44,100 --> 00:11:45,400 Okay, bye. 329 00:11:48,933 --> 00:11:51,133 Babe! All 14 schools called. 330 00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,767 At the same time, but still, 331 00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,300 all of our interviews are set. 332 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:57,067 I can finally rejoin normal civilization. 333 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,067 What? 334 00:12:02,333 --> 00:12:04,100 You're kidding. 335 00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:06,500 But we were talking coffin locations and everything. 336 00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,267 Did they say why? 337 00:12:08,267 --> 00:12:11,867 Well, I don't want to point any fingers, but... 338 00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:13,267 - Me? - Yeah, you. 339 00:12:13,267 --> 00:12:16,867 You literally crazied our family out of a grave. 340 00:12:16,867 --> 00:12:18,600 And I know you don't care, 341 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,800 but I had to listen to my mother go on 342 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,933 and on and on about how-- "No, just roll her up 343 00:12:23,933 --> 00:12:27,067 in a Persian rug and dump her over the side of a ship." 344 00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,667 Babe, I'm so sorry. 345 00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:31,300 I really am. 346 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,200 Are you okay? 347 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,233 I'm just frustrated about other things. 348 00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:38,433 I mean, I finally make partner, and I think, 349 00:12:38,433 --> 00:12:40,767 "Oh, it's gonna be this great, life-changing thing." 350 00:12:40,767 --> 00:12:41,800 And for what? 351 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,100 So I can work even harder, 352 00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,467 see you guys even less, 353 00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:47,267 till we're all dead, lying on the grassy knoll, 354 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,767 not looking over the ocean. 355 00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:52,633 Except we're not gonna be in the grassy knoll, right? 356 00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:54,733 'Cause we got rejected. 357 00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,633 Well, wherever we end up, 358 00:12:56,633 --> 00:12:58,900 probably that cemetery over by JFK, 359 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:00,467 we'll be dead. 360 00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:02,500 I will have written a lot of legal briefs, 361 00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:03,900 the end. 362 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,233 Okay, you're under a lot of pressure right now, 363 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:09,267 but I am going to fix this Greenacres Park thing, okay? 364 00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,267 Hand to God. 365 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,600 No, put your hand down. 366 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:12,967 Do not do anything else. 367 00:13:12,967 --> 00:13:14,600 Please. 368 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,667 Sure. 369 00:13:17,667 --> 00:13:21,400 [opera music playing] 370 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,967 [cell phone ringing] 371 00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,333 [gasps] 372 00:13:26,333 --> 00:13:27,733 See this? 373 00:13:27,733 --> 00:13:29,900 Took me two hours to make. 374 00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:32,133 I don't think cooking's my hobby. 375 00:13:32,133 --> 00:13:33,867 Still, impressed. 376 00:13:33,867 --> 00:13:36,167 Okay, so I know you hate death, 377 00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:38,633 so I'm going to come with you to that wake tomorrow. 378 00:13:38,633 --> 00:13:39,700 I don't hate death. 379 00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:41,067 I deal with it every day. 380 00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:42,200 Okay, fine! 381 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,600 I screwed up the cemetery thing, 382 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,333 and now I have to gargle this old guy's balls 383 00:13:45,333 --> 00:13:46,367 to change his mind. 384 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:47,900 [gargling] 385 00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:49,433 Exactly. 386 00:13:49,433 --> 00:13:51,633 I can't give Andy's family one more reason to hate me. 387 00:13:51,633 --> 00:13:53,833 Yeah, they really don't like you. 388 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,133 It's a shame. 389 00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:59,300 Anyway, I discovered, thanks to dateanundertaker.com, 390 00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:01,200 that Cornelius Hollingsworth III 391 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:04,400 is a founding member of the Three Chocolatiers--yum-- 392 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,767 and also is really into bridge and Japanese koi. 393 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:08,967 Okay, what are you going to do, 394 00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:11,333 ambush this old dude with a tank of fish? 395 00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:12,367 Jill? 396 00:14:12,367 --> 00:14:13,500 I'm thinking. 397 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,833 That's pretty good. 398 00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:17,167 Do you still have that friend with the pickup truck? 399 00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:18,833 Really, the nicest thing you could do for the guy 400 00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,733 would be to get him new hobbies. 401 00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:23,100 See you tamale. 402 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,067 [smooches] 403 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:30,733 [cell phone ringing] 404 00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:34,467 - Hey, Lex. - Aloha, bro-ha. 405 00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,667 Where are you? 406 00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:36,867 I'm coming to pick you up. 407 00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:38,400 Your building has a pier, right? 408 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,567 No, we're pretty much landlocked. 409 00:14:40,567 --> 00:14:42,400 Some of us actually work, Lex. 410 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,967 You are wasting your life at that white-shoe law firm. 411 00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,633 You should come work for Hercules, dude. 412 00:14:46,633 --> 00:14:50,267 Look, I'm not even wearing shoes today. 413 00:14:50,267 --> 00:14:51,567 You got to clip your toenails. 414 00:14:51,567 --> 00:14:52,833 I'm serious. 415 00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:54,467 We're researching all kinds of new markets. 416 00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:58,067 Did you know there's literally no Chipotles in Mexico? 417 00:14:58,067 --> 00:14:59,800 I don't want to live in a world where a Mexican 418 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,900 can't get an ecologically sustainable burrito, do you? 419 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,467 I'm hanging up now, Lex. 420 00:15:04,467 --> 00:15:05,800 Seriously, just think about it, man. 421 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,600 It'd be fun. 422 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,333 Life's too short. 423 00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:16,733 [organ music] 424 00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:21,300 Is that a wax-- Oh, my God. 425 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:23,200 Oh, my God, it's a person. 426 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:25,633 It's him. It's Cardiff. 427 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:26,867 What is happening? 428 00:15:26,867 --> 00:15:28,133 Oh, I read about this. 429 00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:30,067 It's a whole thing, living wakes. 430 00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:32,567 It's like human taxidermy. 431 00:15:32,567 --> 00:15:34,567 I thought you said he didn't have any hobbies. 432 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:37,067 (Mrs. Cardiff) Oh, Doctor Wrigley. 433 00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:39,300 Thank you so much for coming. 434 00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:41,900 My husband just adored you. 435 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,767 Your husband was a wonderful man. 436 00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,300 He was a world-class prick. 437 00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,233 He missed both my weddings for golf tournaments 438 00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:50,867 and stopped speaking to me 'cause I married a black woman. 439 00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:52,833 Wow. So many questions. 440 00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:54,233 You know what? It doesn't matter. 441 00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:56,467 So sorry for your loss... 442 00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:59,667 and everything else. 443 00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:03,533 Is it possible to get good advice from a horrible person? 444 00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:04,600 Totally. 445 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,133 Machiavelli, and I actually heard 446 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,267 Mother Teresa was a bitch. 447 00:16:09,267 --> 00:16:11,900 Oh, it's Hollingsworth. 448 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,367 Wish me luck. 449 00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:16,933 Mr. Hollingsworth? 450 00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:17,933 Hi. 451 00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,667 Jill Weber. 452 00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:21,500 Oh, yes. 453 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:22,967 "I heart BJ." 454 00:16:22,967 --> 00:16:24,933 Right. Um... 455 00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:28,533 I just wanted to say I am so sorry for my behavior. 456 00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:30,067 I'd hate for my husband's family 457 00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:31,633 to be eternally punished. 458 00:16:31,633 --> 00:16:33,067 I appreciate the sentiment. 459 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,533 I'll take it into consideration. 460 00:16:34,533 --> 00:16:35,700 Thank you so much. 461 00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,133 Oh, your pin. 462 00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:38,933 Did you go to Yale too? 463 00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:40,567 Good day, Mrs. Weber. 464 00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,300 Oh, I just wanted to leave you 465 00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,700 with these chocolates. 466 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,300 Mrs. Weber, is this what I think it is? 467 00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,267 You love Varsano's chocolates too? 468 00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:52,367 I didn't know if you were a milk or dark person. 469 00:16:52,367 --> 00:16:54,200 The squares are marshmallow. 470 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,267 Prepare to die. 471 00:16:56,267 --> 00:17:00,100 Mrs. Weber, Greenacres Park does not look kindly on bribes, 472 00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,700 and neither do I. 473 00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,767 Bribes? What? 474 00:17:03,767 --> 00:17:08,067 No, these aren't even for you. 475 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:11,267 They're for Mr. Cardiff's widow. 476 00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:14,533 Then why is there an "H" in a heart? 477 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,700 Because they're for Helen. 478 00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,800 Her name is Ruth. 479 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,467 Might I remind you that this is a wake? 480 00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:22,900 A man has died. 481 00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:26,533 His loved ones are here to pay their respects. 482 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:27,667 I'll take those. 483 00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:28,700 No! 484 00:17:28,700 --> 00:17:30,533 They're for Helen! 485 00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:32,333 What are you-- 486 00:17:32,333 --> 00:17:33,433 [Vanessa gasps] 487 00:17:33,433 --> 00:17:34,733 Oh, my God. 488 00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:37,767 We should go. 489 00:17:37,767 --> 00:17:39,267 Yeah, this is bad. 490 00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:49,467 [men singing a cappella] 491 00:17:49,467 --> 00:17:52,167 * Doo-wah * 492 00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:53,367 * Doo-doo * 493 00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:56,700 What sheer bliss is this? 494 00:17:56,700 --> 00:18:00,500 I'm instantly transported back to my days at Yale. 495 00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,333 Is this because of my op-ed 496 00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,767 protesting a cappella cutbacks in the Ivy League? 497 00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,767 [singing continues] 498 00:18:06,767 --> 00:18:08,833 * Broadway * 499 00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:09,900 You! 500 00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,233 * Oh, Broadway * 501 00:18:12,233 --> 00:18:13,967 - I'm calling security. - No, wait, please. 502 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:16,067 I just wanted to apologize again, 503 00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:19,933 with the help of your former singing group from Yale. 504 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,600 A-one, two, three, four. 505 00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:24,700 * Give my regards to Broadway * 506 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:28,067 * Remember me to Herald Square * 507 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:31,267 * Tell all the gang at 42nd Street * 508 00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,433 * That I'll soon be there * 509 00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:36,067 Stop, stop, stop singing. I've heard enough. 510 00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:37,667 I'll ask you for the last time 511 00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:40,200 to leave my grounds immediately. 512 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:41,833 Totally not your fault, guys. 513 00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,067 All me. 514 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:44,367 (man) Catch you later, Jill. 515 00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:46,267 Sorry. 516 00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:50,667 Mrs. Weber, I am not finished with you. 517 00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:53,167 The second soprano of my a cappella group, 518 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,400 the Brazen Overtures, is having her hip replaced, 519 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,367 and we have four events coming up. 520 00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:58,667 Does this mean-- 521 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:01,267 Show up tomorrow night, 7:00 to 9:00, 522 00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:02,767 for rehearsal at La Mama. 523 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:04,733 I'll be there. Thank you! 524 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,167 I can't believe you got us in. 525 00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:13,567 I don't even want to know how you managed to pull it off, 526 00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:14,733 but thank you. 527 00:19:14,733 --> 00:19:15,967 It was nothing. 528 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,600 And I've been thinking. 529 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,267 If this partner thing isn't all it's cracked up to be, 530 00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:22,133 let's talk about your next move. 531 00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:24,933 Well, Lex offered me a job at Hercules. 532 00:19:24,933 --> 00:19:26,433 [chuckles] 533 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,100 Over my dead body... 534 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:31,067 which reminds me, 535 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:34,167 if I land at the grassy knoll first, 536 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,567 I want you to remarry and be happy. 537 00:19:37,567 --> 00:19:39,433 We're not having this conversation. 538 00:19:39,433 --> 00:19:40,767 What about Lolly McTamany? 539 00:19:40,767 --> 00:19:42,400 You're fixing me up now? 540 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,433 I like having my ducks in a row. 541 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:46,133 - Harlow Kincaid? - No. 542 00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:47,733 Alexis Hilton? 543 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,067 Now, she's cute. 544 00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,333 Okay. 545 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:52,100 Alexis Hilton, it is. 546 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,600 Good night, sweetheart. 547 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,400 I mean, I didn't know she was your type. 548 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,267 I hear she's difficult. 549 00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:02,200 Well, then she's definitely my type. 550 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,267 I love you. 551 00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:04,500 Love you. 552 00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,867 (man on TV) It was really rough... 553 00:20:05,867 --> 00:20:08,367 [cell phone ringing] 554 00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:10,467 You will not believe this. 555 00:20:10,467 --> 00:20:12,233 I'm watching some new reality show 556 00:20:12,233 --> 00:20:14,733 where they pair homeless people with life coaches. 557 00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:17,033 I have so much TV to catch up on. 558 00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:19,333 You know, I tried cultivating my passions, 559 00:20:19,333 --> 00:20:20,567 but then I realized, 560 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,933 I might be too lazy for kids or hobbies. 561 00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:26,367 May I remind you that my father-in-law's hobby 562 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:27,733 was swimming with great white sharks 563 00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,267 until one digested him. 564 00:20:29,267 --> 00:20:30,833 [snickers] 565 00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:32,033 You always say the right thing. 566 00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:34,233 - Love you. - I love you. 567 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:38,567 (woman on TV) Okay, I want you to picture yourself 12 months from now. 568 00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:41,567 What are two things you'd like to have more of in your life? 569 00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,233 (man on TV) Heroin and pussy. 570 00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:44,700 Ugh. 571 00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,467 [blows tuning whistle] 572 00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:50,267 A-one and a-two and a-one, two, three. 573 00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,867 (all) * By the light * 574 00:20:52,867 --> 00:20:54,733 * Of the silvery moon * 575 00:20:54,733 --> 00:20:56,567 * Not the sun, but the moon * 576 00:20:56,567 --> 00:20:58,400 * I want to spoon * 577 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,200 * Not a fork, but a spoon * 578 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,533 * To my honey, I'll croon love's tune * 579 00:21:04,533 --> 00:21:05,600 * Honeymoon * 580 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,100 * Have a honey honeymoon * 581 00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:09,067 * Keep it shining in June * 582 00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:10,567 * Not May, but June * 583 00:21:10,567 --> 00:21:14,167 * Your silvery beams will be love's dreams * 584 00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:17,467 * We'll be cuddling soon * 585 00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:22,067 * By the silvery moon * 586 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:25,067 (Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com. 587 00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,067 [seagulls crying] 588 00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:27,067 (girl) Oh, dear.