(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.
Babe, I'm buggin'.
Today at pickup, we were, like,
the only people who hadn't heard from schools
to set up the interviews.
Should I call to check in?
No, you've got to stop thinking about school applications.
Live your life, honey.
Maybe stop sleeping with the phone between your boobs.
But what if I miss the call?
I heard about this woman
who missed the call from St. Sebastian's,
wound up in hellish phone tag,
and now her daughter's a Knicks City Dancer.
[phone rings]
Landline! Landline!
Okay, okay.
[phone beeps] - Hello?
Oh, that's exciting.
Interview Friday, yes.
That's fine. Great. Thank you.
What school? What time?
It wasn't school.
It's a cemetery.
What?
It's this fancy application-only cemetery,
Greenacres Park.
You have to apply to a cemetery?
Mom's been obsessed with it for years.
They just booted a few more of the Madoffs,
so now we have a chance of getting off the wait list.
As if getting into the right kindergarten weren't enough,
now I have to get into the right worm buffet?
Honey, my family's still pissed
that we didn't put the "Von" back into our name.
We are in the dog house.
We're in the maison du chien?
Oui.
So just get on board
and come to this interview tomorrow.
Okay, I will be there,
and I will kill it.
Please don't kill anything. Just be yourself...
on Xanax.
* Hey, yes, you know *
* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *
(Cardiff) Let me ask you something, Doc.
How old are you?
- 39 and change. - Mm.
You got kids?
No, and I can save you the trouble.
My best friend's always on me to freeze my eggs.
I have cobwebs on my uterus.
No, don't do it.
Kids take. They use.
They filch the joy out of your life.
Really?
But your children seem so devoted to you.
Ah, they're sharks circling for chum.
Ingrates, every one of them.
I dropped out of school in the eighth grade
to support my family and never stopped.
My kids, they've found their passions.
Find yours. See the world.
You mean there's a world outside this hospital?
[laughing]
You're funny, Doc.
You're like the child I wish I never had.
[chuckles]
Make me a promise.
Come to my wake.
Mr. Cardiff, you're not dying.
I've hung out with a lot of people
right at the end, and trust me--
[flatline]
Oh, shit.
What's going on, Paul? I'm kind of swamped here.
Here's the thing.
Emily quit 'cause she didn't make partner.
I was afraid of that. She's a friend of mine.
Well, she was pissed.
You should have heard her on the way out.
Glass ceiling this, Hillary Clinton that.
Cone of silence--
I think she's going through early menopause.
Paul, she's, like, 35.
I know. It's a shame.
Anyway, she's filing
a sexual-discrimination suit against the firm,
which is weird,
'cause she's not even hot.
We thought you could handle our defense
because you know her weaknesses.
Really sink your teeth into her neck
and just start shaking and shaking
and shaking, until she's dead...
legally speaking.
And the best part is that this cemetery
requires ten letters of recommendation.
"Ten"? Come on.
That say what?
"I've never known a family to decompose with more grace."
"Their offspring will only leave
the most stylish flower arrangements."
"They won't slide open their coffin tops
and rise up to perform Thriller choreography."
Hey-hee!
Death must be trending.
Tomorrow I have my very first wake.
Mazel tov. Who croaked?
This amazing old guy
who practically died in my arms yesterday.
How Juliette Binoche.
Since when do you bond enough with patients
to go to their wake?
This guy was special.
And get a load of his name--
Pendleton Rutledge Cardiff IV.
PRC4 died in your arms?
His obit was, like, half a page
in the New York Times, above the fold.
He's "maje."
He's like the Rockefeller of our day.
I bet you a million bucks
he's RIP-ing at Greenacres Park.
I have to admit, being there right when he died
kind of got to me.
It made me think seriously about--
Hijacking some sperm?
The opposite, actually.
He's the first person I've ever heard say
he regretted having kids.
Said they were basically parasites
who sucked all the time, energy,
and joy out of his life.
He is dead to me.
Well, he's dead, so...
The point is, I work and I watch TV.
I jog and have sex occasionally.
What are my passions?
See, the thing about having kids is,
you don't have to worry
about stupid stuff like passions.
[chuckles]
Okay, what's on your bucket list,
aside from banging Viggo Mortensen
in his full Lord of the Rings outfit?
I don't know.
I used to be kind of outdoorsy.
When, in a previous life?
- Oh, my God, tater war! - [laughs]
Okay, I've got to drop off the kids,
get gussied up for my corpse interview,
so we need to get the Czechoslovakia.
(Jill) Okay, guys, we're gonna be late!
Love you, have fun.
(Miles) Happy birthday, BJ!
Thanks, Marisa. I'll see you in two hours?
No, it's not drop-off.
But, yes, it is.
I double-checked my Paperless Post.
It said drop-off.
No, not for people with twins
or kids who have too much screen time.
And, well, let's face it, you kind of cover both.
Have some pizza.
It has no crust, no sauce, no dairy.
Right, sure, I just have this thing I cannot miss,
- and I didn't realize-- - Stop it, BJ!
Byron James, you get your head out of her crotch now!
Hey, you're Jill, right?
- Yes. - Rima.
Hi. You were on the Dalton tour with me this spring.
Yeah, and Trinity, I think.
So have those schools called you to set up the interviews yet?
Sorry. Don't answer that.
I'm trying to stay as sane as possible
through this process.
But did they?
Yes, but don't worry. They'll call.
And I'm happy to watch the twins.
Henry's cousin taught him to "whip it out" last week,
so I'm not going anywhere.
You are a goddess among mortals.
Can I give you my cell?
Only Highgate Cemetery in London
competes with Greenacres.
The Parliament even consulted us when they were expanding.
[banging]
I am so sorry.
Oh, my God, the subway took "forevskis,"
and then these tourists stopped me
to ask for directions,
and it turned into this whole therapy sesh
about their Airbnb.
What, did I say something bad?
Oh.
Sorry. Please continue.
[clears throat] As I was saying,
our grounds hold some of the most legendary
members of society--
heads of state, Barney...of Barney's,
Sunny von Bulow, poor dear.
Most of our aboveground monuments are made of limestone,
but there is one that is one continuous piece
of black granite.
Honey, put that away, please.
I can't.
I have no bars here,
and I need to be available in case schools call.
They still haven't called?
Yikes.
Our proximity to a natural spring
makes for a year-round verdant heath.
Sorry. I'm completely listening.
I just--I'm trying to find some bars.
I'm expecting an urgent call-- or 14, actually.
Ah, this is good. Okay, continue.
We have unmatched maintenance for our landscape design.
Pigeons are kept at bay by a red-tailed fox--
[bluesy ringtone]
Oh, sorry, this will just take a sec.
- Hello? - Hey, Jill.
He's totally fine,
but Miles broke his glasses,
and now he's bawling.
Oh, my God, how did they break?
Wait. Miles doesn't even wear glasses.
He doesn't?
No, he's in a white T with blue sleeves.
Oh, I've been watching the wrong kid.
I see him now.
He's picking his nose. He's fine.
- Thanks. - Honey, sit down.
Sorry. Continue.
So, if you were to be accepted,
five available plots are here on the grassy knoll.
The other eight are across the glen at the ocean's edge,
with a view of the sunset and the horizon.
(Candace) Magnificent.
- That's exquisite. - That would be beautiful.
But we're dead, right?
Come on, Vanessa, keep pushing!
- Keep pushing! - [shouts]
You're almost at the top.
You got one more step. Come on.
[Vanessa shouts]
Oh, my God!
I did it!
Whoo-hoo!
Now what?
Well, you come down.
Oh.
So what'd I come up here for?
The experience?
Oh.
Pricey experience.
In one scenario, the plain Webers
would rest here on the grassy knoll,
and the Von Webers, party of eight,
would be laid by the ocean.
Wait. Why would there be eight?
Well, naturally, one for my unborn granddaughter,
whose name I'm not allowed to know.
Apparently, it's a big state secret.
Right, but that still leaves one extra plot.
Then it's for my future husband,
unknown as he may be at this moment.
What?
Dad would be devastated if you remarried.
Your father lost his vote the day he decided to go
on the great white shark expedition.
[bluesy ringtone]
(Jill) I'm sorry.
Hello?
(Rima) Okay, so...
now real Miles has a bloody nose.
I wouldn't have called, but it's like a tsunami.
He bled all over BJ, and now he's soaking.
Oh, my God, BJ's soaking?
Okay, this happens sometimes.
Just take a tampon, cut it in half lengthwise,
and shove it up there.
I'm on my way.
Would you please forgive us for these hideous interruptions?
So sorry.
it's 4:30, and I didn't budget for this colossal schlep.
My kids are at a party. There's a bloody nose.
So it's really been a pleasure.
Just dump my bones anywhere.
I'm easy. Okay. Bye-bye!
I am so, so sorry.
They are charging me $15 for every minute of overtime,
and you are 42 minutes late.
(man) 43
I am going to reimburse you.
Oh, my God, I am so mortified.
Wait, how much is-- So math is not my strong suit.
Okay, do you take frozen yogurt cards?
It's only one more stamp, and then you get a free medium,
two toppings.
Okay, I'm gonna give you a check.
Take your kids and leave.
[bluesy ringtone]
Okay. Wait, my phone!
My phone! My phone, sorry.
It's a school!
Oh, my God.
Hello?
Yes, this is she.
Yes.
No, that is not your present!
Sorry. Shh.
- Are you kidding me? - Terrific, thank you.
Thanks. Bye.
Okay. I am so sorry.
[bluesy ringtone]
Oh, my God, another school.
Sorry. When it rains, it pours.
Hello?
Yes, wonderful. Thank you so much.
Bye-bye.
I'm so sorry.
Just go.
Okay, guys. Oh, my God, you poor thing.
Okay, bye. Thanks so much for having us.
Say thanks.
Okay, bye.
Babe! All 14 schools called.
At the same time, but still,
all of our interviews are set.
I can finally rejoin normal civilization.
What?
You're kidding.
But we were talking coffin locations and everything.
Did they say why?
Well, I don't want to point any fingers, but...
- Me? - Yeah, you.
You literally crazied our family out of a grave.
And I know you don't care,
but I had to listen to my mother go on
and on and on about how-- "No, just roll her up
in a Persian rug and dump her over the side of a ship."
Babe, I'm so sorry.
I really am.
Are you okay?
I'm just frustrated about other things.
I mean, I finally make partner, and I think,
"Oh, it's gonna be this great, life-changing thing."
And for what?
So I can work even harder,
see you guys even less,
till we're all dead, lying on the grassy knoll,
not looking over the ocean.
Except we're not gonna be in the grassy knoll, right?
'Cause we got rejected.
Well, wherever we end up,
probably that cemetery over by JFK,
we'll be dead.
I will have written a lot of legal briefs,
the end.
Okay, you're under a lot of pressure right now,
but I am going to fix this Greenacres Park thing, okay?
Hand to God.
No, put your hand down.
Do not do anything else.
Please.
Sure.
[opera music playing]
[cell phone ringing]
[gasps]
See this?
Took me two hours to make.
I don't think cooking's my hobby.
Still, impressed.
Okay, so I know you hate death,
so I'm going to come with you to that wake tomorrow.
I don't hate death.
I deal with it every day.
Okay, fine!
I screwed up the cemetery thing,
and now I have to gargle this old guy's balls
to change his mind.
[gargling]
Exactly.
I can't give Andy's family one more reason to hate me.
Yeah, they really don't like you.
It's a shame.
Anyway, I discovered, thanks to dateanundertaker.com,
that Cornelius Hollingsworth III
is a founding member of the Three Chocolatiers--yum--
and also is really into bridge and Japanese koi.
Okay, what are you going to do,
ambush this old dude with a tank of fish?
Jill?
I'm thinking.
That's pretty good.
Do you still have that friend with the pickup truck?
Really, the nicest thing you could do for the guy
would be to get him new hobbies.
See you tamale.
[smooches]
[cell phone ringing]
- Hey, Lex. - Aloha, bro-ha.
Where are you?
I'm coming to pick you up.
Your building has a pier, right?
No, we're pretty much landlocked.
Some of us actually work, Lex.
You are wasting your life at that white-shoe law firm.
You should come work for Hercules, dude.
Look, I'm not even wearing shoes today.
You got to clip your toenails.
I'm serious.
We're researching all kinds of new markets.
Did you know there's literally no Chipotles in Mexico?
I don't want to live in a world where a Mexican
can't get an ecologically sustainable burrito, do you?
I'm hanging up now, Lex.
Seriously, just think about it, man.
It'd be fun.
Life's too short.
[organ music]
Is that a wax-- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, it's a person.
It's him. It's Cardiff.
What is happening?
Oh, I read about this.
It's a whole thing, living wakes.
It's like human taxidermy.
I thought you said he didn't have any hobbies.
(Mrs. Cardiff) Oh, Doctor Wrigley.
Thank you so much for coming.
My husband just adored you.
Your husband was a wonderful man.
He was a world-class prick.
He missed both my weddings for golf tournaments
and stopped speaking to me 'cause I married a black woman.
Wow. So many questions.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
So sorry for your loss...
and everything else.
Is it possible to get good advice from a horrible person?
Totally.
Machiavelli, and I actually heard
Mother Teresa was a bitch.
Oh, it's Hollingsworth.
Wish me luck.
Mr. Hollingsworth?
Hi.
Jill Weber.
Oh, yes.
"I heart BJ."
Right. Um...
I just wanted to say I am so sorry for my behavior.
I'd hate for my husband's family
to be eternally punished.
I appreciate the sentiment.
I'll take it into consideration.
Thank you so much.
Oh, your pin.
Did you go to Yale too?
Good day, Mrs. Weber.
Oh, I just wanted to leave you
with these chocolates.
Mrs. Weber, is this what I think it is?
You love Varsano's chocolates too?
I didn't know if you were a milk or dark person.
The squares are marshmallow.
Prepare to die.
Mrs. Weber, Greenacres Park does not look kindly on bribes,
and neither do I.
Bribes? What?
No, these aren't even for you.
They're for Mr. Cardiff's widow.
Then why is there an "H" in a heart?
Because they're for Helen.
Her name is Ruth.
Might I remind you that this is a wake?
A man has died.
His loved ones are here to pay their respects.
I'll take those.
No!
They're for Helen!
What are you--
[Vanessa gasps]
Oh, my God.
We should go.
Yeah, this is bad.
[men singing a cappella]
* Doo-wah *
* Doo-doo *
What sheer bliss is this?
I'm instantly transported back to my days at Yale.
Is this because of my op-ed
protesting a cappella cutbacks in the Ivy League?
[singing continues]
* Broadway *
You!
* Oh, Broadway *
- I'm calling security. - No, wait, please.
I just wanted to apologize again,
with the help of your former singing group from Yale.
A-one, two, three, four.
* Give my regards to Broadway *
* Remember me to Herald Square *
* Tell all the gang at 42nd Street *
* That I'll soon be there *
Stop, stop, stop singing. I've heard enough.
I'll ask you for the last time
to leave my grounds immediately.
Totally not your fault, guys.
All me.
(man) Catch you later, Jill.
Sorry.
Mrs. Weber, I am not finished with you.
The second soprano of my a cappella group,
the Brazen Overtures, is having her hip replaced,
and we have four events coming up.
Does this mean--
Show up tomorrow night, 7:00 to 9:00,
for rehearsal at La Mama.
I'll be there. Thank you!
I can't believe you got us in.
I don't even want to know how you managed to pull it off,
but thank you.
It was nothing.
And I've been thinking.
If this partner thing isn't all it's cracked up to be,
let's talk about your next move.
Well, Lex offered me a job at Hercules.
[chuckles]
Over my dead body...
which reminds me,
if I land at the grassy knoll first,
I want you to remarry and be happy.
We're not having this conversation.
What about Lolly McTamany?
You're fixing me up now?
I like having my ducks in a row.
- Harlow Kincaid? - No.
Alexis Hilton?
Now, she's cute.
Okay.
Alexis Hilton, it is.
Good night, sweetheart.
I mean, I didn't know she was your type.
I hear she's difficult.
Well, then she's definitely my type.
I love you.
Love you.
(man on TV) It was really rough...
[cell phone ringing]
You will not believe this.
I'm watching some new reality show
where they pair homeless people with life coaches.
I have so much TV to catch up on.
You know, I tried cultivating my passions,
but then I realized,
I might be too lazy for kids or hobbies.
May I remind you that my father-in-law's hobby
was swimming with great white sharks
until one digested him.
[snickers]
You always say the right thing.
- Love you. - I love you.
(woman on TV) Okay, I want you to picture yourself 12 months from now.
What are two things you'd like to have more of in your life?
(man on TV) Heroin and pussy.
Ugh.
[blows tuning whistle]
A-one and a-two and a-one, two, three.
(all) * By the light *
* Of the silvery moon *
* Not the sun, but the moon *
* I want to spoon *
* Not a fork, but a spoon *
* To my honey, I'll croon love's tune *
* Honeymoon *
* Have a honey honeymoon *
* Keep it shining in June *
* Not May, but June *
* Your silvery beams will be love's dreams *
* We'll be cuddling soon *
* By the silvery moon *
(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com.
[seagulls crying]
(girl) Oh, dear.