(male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series.
And then my weekend nanny
had another death in the family--again.
Can you believe the luck I'm having?
(Brooke) Actually, it was the worst summer.
We were flying back and forth
from Capri to South Hampton.
I'm overseeing two renovations.
That's two sets of blueprints.
I need a vacation from my vacation.
Where do you guys summer, again?
We summer on 61st Street between 2nd and 3rd.
Mm.
(Mrs. Hardwick) Welcome, everyone.
We're delighted to have you here at our curriculum night.
Curriculum night, please.
They're in preschool.
What's next, they're gonna major in finger-painting and sand?
And while you've been busy
working on those kindergarten applications,
we've been busy too,
learning a little bit about you.
Rutherford says,
"My mommy loves salad,
Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter."
[laughter]
Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon.
He loves his Maseratis and making people's faces not ugly."
[laughter]
And this from Dottie--
"My mommy loves tattoos,
"underwear dance parties,
and bad words."
Oh, [bleep].
[upbeat rock music]
* I guess you know *
* I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine *
Mommy!
Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly?
Because I have three kids.
Thanks, Miles.
Guys, okay you have to get dressed.
We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay?
Hurry, please.
Hey, guys, come on, get dressed.
No, you're too early!
I had a whole surprise for you.
For me? Oh, well...
Congratulations on making partner.
- We're so proud of you. - Thank you.
It was gonna be a whole spread
with eggs and fruit and everything.
It was like a miracle.
Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"?
What's "thass?"
"Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass."
And after three kids,
my vag is like the Holland Tunnel.
Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds
like somebody's stirring mac and cheese.
Are we having mac and cheese tonight?
I said get dressed!
(Andy) Get dressed please.
I don't know.
I think everything's holding up great.
In fact, I was thinking,
what if I went into work late today?
Honey, I know it's your special day,
but there was just a study at Stanford University...
(Miles) Mommy, can I crack an egg?
That all these mothers have sensory overload--
[kids shouting]
'Cause the kids are, like, pawing them all day,
and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch.
- Right. - Okay?
And we have to pick the photos
for the kids' kindergarten applications.
- Yep. - We have to pick today.
Come here.
(Miles) Can I have gum for breakfast?
Nope, no gum.
Do you think Miles looks a little R-A-P-E-Y here?
[phone ringing]
Who calls anymore?
My mother.
Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet?
- Hello, Mother. - Isn't it wonderful news?
Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear?
The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News.
It's on the front page of every business section.
Oh, I thought you were calling about my news.
I'm just catching up, one second.
I'll save you the trouble.
Hercules Partners, your baby brother's firm,
sold that bagel company to the Chinese
for $675 million.
What was your news?
Um...
(man) Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Congratulations - Thanks, guys.
Whoo, Andy!
Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play.
Oh, but, like, make it like SportsCenter, though.
I guess it's been in the works for a while.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
I was always on the partner track.
No, no, no, dude, not that.
No, your kid brother, Lex.
Uh, ka-ching.
Bagels.
(Jill) I mean, they're my in-laws.
I should be happy for them,
but they're gonna be even more "insuffs"
than they already are.
It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's
and wheels up to Aspen and breakfast at Wimbledon.
I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands.
Even if I live to be "eleventy,"
I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin.
Lex isn't even that smart.
His equity firm just got lucky
investing in the company that brought bagels to China.
China, I know.
I mean, if it were North Korea, I'd be impressed.
He and Brooke are fetuses,
and now they're as rich as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky.
Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right?
Yeah, maybe in the normal universe,
where normal people live.
But between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case.
- Jill! - Seriously.
People come to our walk-up for play dates,
and they act like I live in a cardboard box.
Oh...
sorry.
Oh, my God, it's her.
[bombastic hip-hop]
It's my sister-in-law.
I swear, our kids are in the same class this year.
I can't escape her.
Wait, I thought she was pregnant with her fourth.
Did she lose the baby?
No, she's seven months pregnant.
That baby is gonna be the size of a Diet Coke can.
Hi, guys.
Brooke, congrats on the sale.
So exciting.
We're quite pleased.
We're quite pleased for you.
(Danielle) Vanessa, I haven't seen you since we had a white president.
- Oh. - Still living downtown?
Still toughing it out on the mean streets of SoHo.
- Huh. - So baby number four.
Good for you!
[scoffs] Thanks, I'm Shamu.
All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces
at Midnight Express.
(Stephanie) Oh, I heard they're closing.
You're kidding.
Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush.
What's a Flush?
It's this California chainlet
that's part juice cleanse, part colonics.
It was in Vanity Fair.
(Simone) It totally works.
My sister had a toy soldier come out.
(Brooke) So, Jill, I'm seeing you
at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right?
At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP.
Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced.
I've been so swamped with kindergarten applications.
Wait, back up.
Why are we talking about nachos?
(Brooke) No, no, no.
it's my charitable organization.
New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity.
You mean NYACHO?
NACHO.
New Yorkers...
The Y is silent.
It's my charity.
Jill, Soul Wheelz?
Believe me, you don't want me there.
I will be dead on the floor.
They'll need defibrillators.
I'll be in a chalk outline.
You're my sister-in-law,
and you never come to any of my events.
Well, it's hard to line up a sitter.
Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up.
Well, I'm not working right now,
so I prefer to do it myself.
Why don't you take Stephanie's Thai baby nurse?
You're done with her, right?
She's Tibetan.
Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce.
Let's go. Bye.
[bell dings]
I can't believe this place is closing.
I've been coming here for 30 years.
This place is an institution.
Look at--look at this glass bottle.
You know, instead of that squeezy bull[bleep].
I mean, look at the people.
What is a Flush anyway?
What do these people do?
Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch?
Isn't that like anal bulimia?
People love putting things in their ass[bleep].
You should see what I see in the ER on the daily--
iPhone chargers, bottles of Purell,
old Phantom ticket stubs,
plastic Yodas,
Duane Reade receipts, pot.
- I hate people. - I hate people too.
So "grodsky."
A small piccolo.
You know, it's official.
This place closing just marks the end
of the real, old, gritty Upper East Side.
"Gritty"? When?
Before they paved Park Avenue?
At least when I was growing up,
there was some shame around being rich.
I mean, I knew kids who were mortified to have a driver.
Now at drop-off,
they're pimpin' cocaine-white SUVs.
And yet you continue to live here.
I was here first.
I love that you still eat doughnuts.
Thank you.
A doughnut is just a gay bagel.
So how are the kids?
Fine, annoying.
They'd be a lot cooler if they could fill out
their own kindergarten applications.
Just promise me you will not turn
into one of those freaky mom-bots over this stuff.
I would never.
Why do you think I'm blowing off
Brooke's NACHO thing?
'Cause you hate exercise?
No.
Okay, yes.
But Soul Wheelz is, like, the first stop
on the mom-bot express.
It's a cult.
Plus, I'm not a joiner.
So don't join the kindergarten cult either.
Your kids are great.
They'll be fine, wherever they go.
Oh, you're so naive.
But I'll give you this.
If I ever say that I'm going
to a $3,000-a-plate hat luncheon with the ladies,
you have my permission to kidnap me,
drag me into the woods--
And shoot you?
I was gonna say "deprogram me,"
but use your judgment.
- Done. - Okay.
[children chattering]
It's Mrs. Hardwick.
(woman) It's Mrs. Hardwick.
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick.
Hello, Mrs. Hardwick!
(Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber.
Me?
May I see you in my office?
Of course, Mrs. Hardwick.
(Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber,
we've known your family for several years,
and while we've come to appreciate your,
shall we say, unorthodox approach to parenting,
this admissions season is particularly cut-throat.
These schools are looking for leaders,
students with vision.
If we give them blocks,
will they make a pile or the Arc de Triomphe?
Mine usually just lick the blocks.
- I mean, they're 4. - Indeed.
And young 4s,
given their late-July birthdays.
So unfortunate.
They're competing against children
who have been bred for success.
Legacy families, leaders of the community.
And, unfortunately, while you are different,
you don't technically qualify as diversity.
Sometimes Miles looks half Cherokee.
How. [laughs]
I'm going to recommend
that you cast a wide net.
Yes, we have Miles applying to five schools,
Dottie to four.
We have our zoned local public school,
a charter school, and Hunter.
I'm going to recommend an even wider net.
And Andy was up against, like, three other lawyers
for this position, right?
It's one of the hardest firms to move up in.
There they are.
Hi. Mazel Tov, guys!
Oh, come on, now.
Tonight is Andy's night.
- Oh, are you kidding? - My big bro!
- Thanks, and congratulations. - Thank you.
Oh, I can't wait to see your new letterhead.
Eldridge, Pinkney, Whitehead & Weber?
Oh, no, they don't change the name of the firm.
It doesn't work like that.
Oh.
Well, good for you, anyway.
(man) Ladies.
Oh, yay, bread.
- No! - No bread!
No bread!
Oh, I have the proofs from Rutherford's
kindergarten application photo shoot.
(Candace) Oh!
Mario Testino.
(Candace) Oh, of course, of course.
- Oh, precious. - Yeah.
Jill, who did you hire
to shoot your children's photographs?
Uh, me.
My rates are great, and I'm easy to work with.
Oh, right, you and your little photography hobby.
Mother, it's not a hobby.
Jill shot for tons of magazines before we had kids.
Yeah, it's like that time you let me
"drop off a package" at that Victoria's Secret shoot.
That was awesome.
It was before I met you, babe.
Anyway, to Lex and Brooke
and bagels in China.
May they never hear of Dr. Atkins.
[laughter]
(woman) So how do you like working on the Upper East Side?
(Vanessa) Love it.
This is just such a nice change of pace
from Bronx Central.
It's so clean here.
And you have toilet paper in, like, every bathroom stall.
Yeah, it's a great hospital, even if it has its quirks.
- Heads up. - Coming through.
Is that a sex machine? Cool.
Pilates Reformer.
We get eight to ten workout-related injuries a week.
Jerry, I'm gonna need the electrical saw and the drill.
Or we could just cut off her ponytail.
No, not my extensions.
It's Indian hair.
- Like I said, yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, Jill,
Mrs. Hardwick is coming to NACHO.
I'm sponsoring her bike.
Hardwick, seriously?
Why?
Because that woman has the ear
of every school we're applying to.
And if you come, it'll remind her
that you're technically part of our family.
(Candace) Brooke, darling, stop pushing.
You're an Olympic skier. [chuckles]
Jill's people aren't exactly known
for their athletic prowess.
Mother.
Well, she can't just decide
to start moving her body one day.
[laughing] That would be like a panda deciding to speed-skate.
That would be adorable!
I can move my body.
I'm not a panda.
Of course.
I just don't want anything to go badly.
I appreciate your concern, Candace,
but my "thass" and I will be there.
Quick medical question.
Am I at risk for cardiac arrest
if I do Soul Wheelz
in my current state of non-fitness?
Wait. Are you actually doing that stupid NYACHO thing?
Yes, those blonde bitches think I'm gonna break my ass.
What choice do I have?
Okay, I feel it's my responsibility to remind you
of your step-aerobics moment, junior year.
It was a mild sprain,
and that teacher wasn't even certified.
Fine, go.
But you have to send me pictures of you in spandex.
It can be my early birthday present.
Done.
Okay got to run. I'm carbo-loading.
Honey, it's not a marathon.
It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel.
You're right. How hard could it be?
Plus, it's for a bad cause.
[laughs]
[phone ringing]
(Paul) Hey!
I understand congratulations are in order.
Thanks, Paul.
We are all very happy for my brother's bank account.
No, I meant you.
You're a partner now.
Come on, top of the heap.
Living large.
What, did you forget?
Almost, actually. Thanks.
It's quite the club we're in.
115 of us partners
get to work ten times as hard
just so the firm keeps most of our salary.
You mean the buy-in.
It's that bad?
Oh, they didn't tell you about that yet.
It's $750K for overhead,
plus another 50 grand every year
towards the employee health fund.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
You can either pay it up front--ha ha--
Or divvy it up over a few years.
I've been a partner ten years now.
So I only got another, what, 16 years
before I'm out of the hole.
Yeah, it's totally worth it.
Hi.
Jill, you made it.
What is this, a unicorn?
Is that--is that a child's shirt?
No, it's mine.
I don't have all the, like, gear stuff, so...
Jill!
Welcome.
I moved mountains to be here.
I have you at bike four.
Actually, 44, in the back, very back row.
Mrs. Hardwick, hi.
Jill Weber, Dottie and Miles' mom.
I just want to tell you,
we are on the wait list for Suzuki violin.
- Martha. - Ashley, hi!
- What happened? - I know, I know.
That's why I sent you that message.
Okay.
- Hey, sweetheart. - Hey.
Wow. Look at this turnout, huh?
I'm so proud of you.
Where's your spin outfit?
I laid it out on the bed for you.
Oh, no, I couldn't.
I just came for the photo-op, right?
I have to be at the club in half an hour.
Actually, in 23 minutes.
Sorry to butt in.
One thing that I asked of you.
Hey, do you want Ella to stay and bike?
I don't need her after this, huh?
Why would I want your assistant here?
You can't just throw her at every problem.
Hey, everybody, let's give a round of applause
for my beautiful wife, Brooke, huh?
Who made all this happen.
[applause]
All right!
[applause continues]
Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, Jill?
Yeah, you guys have fun, and NACHO, huh?
[applause]
[clears throat]
There is a plague upon us.
Childhood obesity is a scourge
affecting millions of children
in this country,
like little Augustus here.
Augustus, come on up here.
Your financial support will help children
by introducing prophylactic gastric bypasses
for at-risk kids with morbidly obese parents.
Thank you, Augustus,
for being the brave face of this hideous disease.
[applause]
Hey, are you okay?
That was kind of harsh.
I don't give a [bleep].
I get 500 bucks for these dog-and-pony shows.
Not bad.
Now, let's give it up for the soul of Soul Wheelz,
the one and only Nikki B!
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]
* *
Ah!
Are you bitches ready to sweat?
[cheers and applause]
Jack up that resistance.
Come on.
Only one of you can be the leader
up on that board today.
Who's it gonna be?
And here we go.
Right, left, right, left.
Bike 44,
what's happening over there, unicorn?
Are you with us?
Turn your resistance down
in three, two, one.
Whoa!
Hey, yeah!
You got to move out of your comfort zone, people.
Right, left, left, right, left, right, left--
Keep up, unicorn!
(all) What's down there? What's up there?
(Nikki B) I see who my leaders are.
Unicorn, pick the pace up.
Are you bitches gonna sit back
and let the pregnant lady on bike 13 steal the title?
Come on!
Unicorn, do you want to be the leader,
or do you want to be one of the pack?
There you go, better.
That's it.
- Clap-clap, clap-clap. [rhythmic clapping]
(Nikki B) Nice.
Stay with it, unicorn!
Stay with it!
Come on!
Am I seeing right?
The unicorn has taken the lead!
Let's here it for unicorn!
Un-i-corn!
[all chanting, "Unicorn!"]
(Nikki B) Unicorn is our leader!
Left, right, left, right, left, right,
left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right!
You got to move through your comfort zone!
You're gonna be dead in 90 years!
[door opens]
Ooh, Daddy's home!
Daddy's home! Daddy's home!
Hey, guys, hey.
- Daddy! - Daddy!
Hi. What's wrong?
You didn't make $675 million today?
No, I did not,
but I did bring home tacos.
Even better!
Whoo!
I have an announcement to make.
Yeah?
I love exercise now!
I was hyperventilating.
I thought I was gonna die.
And then I staggered home, and I took a shower,
and it was like the clouds parted
and the angels sang.
* Ah ah ah ah *
* Amen *
And I not only survived,
I was the leader...
for 7 seconds, but still.
What's wrong?
We have to come up with about a million bucks for the firm.
It's called a buy-in.
So you got a million bucks sitting around?
'Cause I don't.
Okay, that is sucky enough to kill my buzz.
But I say let's freak out about it tomorrow.
And I want to show you the photos I took
for the kindergarten applications.
Okay, what do you think?
Do these look like the future leaders of tomorrow?
Supreme Court justices?
Pop stars?
People who blog about pop stars?
(Andy) Dentists, maybe.
I have an idea.
Underwear dance par-tay!
[joyous music]
* *
Come on, Miles, get down!
* *
Holy Toledo.
(Jill) Ow, ow, agony.
Ow! Oh, my God!
Ow, ow! [grunts]
[cell phone ringing]
Hey, Jill.
I'm stuck on the [bleep].
[laughing]
Oh, babe.
I can't get up.
Why did you let me do that?
I tried to warn you.
Ow!
The second day is worse.
I hate exercise!
(Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com.
[seagulls crying]
(girl) Oh, dear.