1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,700 (male announcer) Next is a Bravo scripted original series. 2 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,000 And then my weekend nanny 3 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:09,000 had another death in the family--again. 4 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,800 Can you believe the luck I'm having? 5 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,367 (Brooke) Actually, it was the worst summer. 6 00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,367 We were flying back and forth 7 00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,800 from Capri to South Hampton. 8 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:16,167 I'm overseeing two renovations. 9 00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:17,767 That's two sets of blueprints. 10 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:20,700 I need a vacation from my vacation. 11 00:00:20,700 --> 00:00:22,200 Where do you guys summer, again? 12 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,667 We summer on 61st Street between 2nd and 3rd. 13 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,233 Mm. 14 00:00:27,233 --> 00:00:30,500 (Mrs. Hardwick) Welcome, everyone. 15 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:34,733 We're delighted to have you here at our curriculum night. 16 00:00:34,733 --> 00:00:36,700 Curriculum night, please. 17 00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,300 They're in preschool. 18 00:00:38,300 --> 00:00:40,800 What's next, they're gonna major in finger-painting and sand? 19 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,567 And while you've been busy 20 00:00:42,567 --> 00:00:46,533 working on those kindergarten applications, 21 00:00:46,533 --> 00:00:47,767 we've been busy too, 22 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:50,833 learning a little bit about you. 23 00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:53,767 Rutherford says, 24 00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:56,267 "My mommy loves salad, 25 00:00:56,267 --> 00:00:59,900 Pinot Grigio, and our helicopter." 26 00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:01,467 [laughter] 27 00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:06,167 Piper says, "My daddy's a plastic surgeon. 28 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:12,067 He loves his Maseratis and making people's faces not ugly." 29 00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:14,133 [laughter] 30 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:17,700 And this from Dottie-- 31 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:20,833 "My mommy loves tattoos, 32 00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:23,833 "underwear dance parties, 33 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:26,067 and bad words." 34 00:01:28,733 --> 00:01:31,467 Oh, [bleep]. 35 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,600 [upbeat rock music] 36 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,200 * I guess you know * 37 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,333 * I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine * 38 00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:40,867 Mommy! 39 00:01:46,733 --> 00:01:49,167 Mommy, why is your butt so jiggly? 40 00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:51,367 Because I have three kids. 41 00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:52,667 Thanks, Miles. 42 00:01:52,667 --> 00:01:53,867 Guys, okay you have to get dressed. 43 00:01:53,867 --> 00:01:55,267 We're gonna do the thing for Daddy, okay? 44 00:01:55,267 --> 00:01:56,433 Hurry, please. 45 00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:58,067 Hey, guys, come on, get dressed. 46 00:01:58,067 --> 00:01:59,800 No, you're too early! 47 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,100 I had a whole surprise for you. 48 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:03,400 For me? Oh, well... 49 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,700 Congratulations on making partner. 50 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:08,067 - We're so proud of you. - Thank you. 51 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:09,333 It was gonna be a whole spread 52 00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:10,833 with eggs and fruit and everything. 53 00:02:10,833 --> 00:02:12,500 It was like a miracle. 54 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,233 Did you hear Miles ridiculing my "thass"? 55 00:02:15,233 --> 00:02:16,633 What's "thass?" 56 00:02:16,633 --> 00:02:18,400 "Thigh" plus "ass" equals "thass." 57 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,667 And after three kids, 58 00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:22,700 my vag is like the Holland Tunnel. 59 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,600 Sometimes I walk around, and it sounds 60 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,267 like somebody's stirring mac and cheese. 61 00:02:26,267 --> 00:02:27,667 Are we having mac and cheese tonight? 62 00:02:27,667 --> 00:02:28,767 I said get dressed! 63 00:02:28,767 --> 00:02:31,333 (Andy) Get dressed please. 64 00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:32,500 I don't know. 65 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,400 I think everything's holding up great. 66 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:35,433 In fact, I was thinking, 67 00:02:35,433 --> 00:02:37,400 what if I went into work late today? 68 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,167 Honey, I know it's your special day, 69 00:02:39,167 --> 00:02:41,067 but there was just a study at Stanford University... 70 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,433 (Miles) Mommy, can I crack an egg? 71 00:02:42,433 --> 00:02:43,767 That all these mothers have sensory overload-- 72 00:02:43,767 --> 00:02:45,067 [kids shouting] 73 00:02:45,067 --> 00:02:46,833 'Cause the kids are, like, pawing them all day, 74 00:02:46,833 --> 00:02:48,433 and so we're, like, OD-ing on touch. 75 00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:49,900 - Right. - Okay? 76 00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,100 And we have to pick the photos 77 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,533 for the kids' kindergarten applications. 78 00:02:52,533 --> 00:02:53,700 - Yep. - We have to pick today. 79 00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:54,733 Come here. 80 00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:55,733 (Miles) Can I have gum for breakfast? 81 00:02:55,733 --> 00:02:57,100 Nope, no gum. 82 00:02:57,100 --> 00:02:59,267 Do you think Miles looks a little R-A-P-E-Y here? 83 00:02:59,267 --> 00:03:00,567 [phone ringing] 84 00:03:00,567 --> 00:03:03,067 Who calls anymore? 85 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,200 My mother. 86 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:05,600 Okay, guys, did you brush your teeth yet? 87 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,767 - Hello, Mother. - Isn't it wonderful news? 88 00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:10,733 Uh, yeah, thanks, how'd you hear? 89 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:14,133 The New York Times, CNN, Bloomberg News. 90 00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:16,600 It's on the front page of every business section. 91 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,867 Oh, I thought you were calling about my news. 92 00:03:18,867 --> 00:03:20,500 I'm just catching up, one second. 93 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:21,767 I'll save you the trouble. 94 00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,067 Hercules Partners, your baby brother's firm, 95 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:26,533 sold that bagel company to the Chinese 96 00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:29,433 for $675 million. 97 00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:32,600 What was your news? 98 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:33,967 Um... 99 00:03:36,733 --> 00:03:37,733 (man) Congratulations. 100 00:03:37,733 --> 00:03:38,767 Thank you. 101 00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:40,067 - Congratulations - Thanks, guys. 102 00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:42,067 Whoo, Andy! 103 00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:44,767 Yes, dude, so give me the play-by-play. 104 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,067 Oh, but, like, make it like SportsCenter, though. 105 00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:48,567 I guess it's been in the works for a while. 106 00:03:48,567 --> 00:03:50,067 - Congratulations. - Thank you. 107 00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:51,467 I was always on the partner track. 108 00:03:51,467 --> 00:03:53,133 No, no, no, dude, not that. 109 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,133 No, your kid brother, Lex. 110 00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:58,200 Uh, ka-ching. 111 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,633 Bagels. 112 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,533 (Jill) I mean, they're my in-laws. 113 00:04:03,533 --> 00:04:04,967 I should be happy for them, 114 00:04:04,967 --> 00:04:06,767 but they're gonna be even more "insuffs" 115 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,067 than they already are. 116 00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:09,467 It'll be wheels up to St. Barth's 117 00:04:09,467 --> 00:04:12,267 and wheels up to Aspen and breakfast at Wimbledon. 118 00:04:12,267 --> 00:04:15,767 I'm a doctor. I save babies with my hands. 119 00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:18,067 Even if I live to be "eleventy," 120 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:20,133 I'd never see a tenth of that type of coin. 121 00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:21,767 Lex isn't even that smart. 122 00:04:21,767 --> 00:04:23,400 His equity firm just got lucky 123 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,900 investing in the company that brought bagels to China. 124 00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:27,267 China, I know. 125 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:30,067 I mean, if it were North Korea, I'd be impressed. 126 00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:31,600 He and Brooke are fetuses, 127 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:34,133 and now they're as rich as Mark Zuckerberg's pinky. 128 00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:38,833 Okay, you do realize you're rich too, right? 129 00:04:38,833 --> 00:04:40,367 Yeah, maybe in the normal universe, 130 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,700 where normal people live. 131 00:04:41,700 --> 00:04:44,733 But between Lexington and 5th, I'm a charity case. 132 00:04:44,733 --> 00:04:46,133 - Jill! - Seriously. 133 00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:47,800 People come to our walk-up for play dates, 134 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:50,500 and they act like I live in a cardboard box. 135 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:51,833 Oh... 136 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:52,833 sorry. 137 00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:53,933 Oh, my God, it's her. 138 00:04:53,933 --> 00:04:56,700 [bombastic hip-hop] 139 00:04:56,700 --> 00:04:58,200 It's my sister-in-law. 140 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,067 I swear, our kids are in the same class this year. 141 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,533 I can't escape her. 142 00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:03,633 Wait, I thought she was pregnant with her fourth. 143 00:05:03,633 --> 00:05:04,867 Did she lose the baby? 144 00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,767 No, she's seven months pregnant. 145 00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:09,500 That baby is gonna be the size of a Diet Coke can. 146 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:10,900 Hi, guys. 147 00:05:10,900 --> 00:05:13,433 Brooke, congrats on the sale. 148 00:05:13,433 --> 00:05:14,533 So exciting. 149 00:05:14,533 --> 00:05:16,067 We're quite pleased. 150 00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,367 We're quite pleased for you. 151 00:05:18,367 --> 00:05:21,167 (Danielle) Vanessa, I haven't seen you since we had a white president. 152 00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:22,933 - Oh. - Still living downtown? 153 00:05:22,933 --> 00:05:25,067 Still toughing it out on the mean streets of SoHo. 154 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:27,267 - Huh. - So baby number four. 155 00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:28,733 Good for you! 156 00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:31,800 [scoffs] Thanks, I'm Shamu. 157 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,533 All righty, we're gonna go stuff our faces 158 00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:34,800 at Midnight Express. 159 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:35,933 (Stephanie) Oh, I heard they're closing. 160 00:05:35,933 --> 00:05:36,967 You're kidding. 161 00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:38,233 Yeah, it's gonna be a Flush. 162 00:05:38,233 --> 00:05:39,333 What's a Flush? 163 00:05:39,333 --> 00:05:40,600 It's this California chainlet 164 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,233 that's part juice cleanse, part colonics. 165 00:05:42,233 --> 00:05:43,500 It was in Vanity Fair. 166 00:05:43,500 --> 00:05:44,633 (Simone) It totally works. 167 00:05:44,633 --> 00:05:47,500 My sister had a toy soldier come out. 168 00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:48,900 (Brooke) So, Jill, I'm seeing you 169 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:51,733 at my NACHO Kickoff Event this week, right? 170 00:05:51,733 --> 00:05:54,167 At Soul Wheelz? You have yet to RSVP. 171 00:05:54,167 --> 00:05:56,467 Oh, your spinning thing. I totally spaced. 172 00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:58,700 I've been so swamped with kindergarten applications. 173 00:05:58,700 --> 00:05:59,900 Wait, back up. 174 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:01,200 Why are we talking about nachos? 175 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,267 (Brooke) No, no, no. 176 00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:03,567 it's my charitable organization. 177 00:06:03,567 --> 00:06:05,400 New Yorkers Against Childhood Obesity. 178 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,267 You mean NYACHO? 179 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,600 NACHO. 180 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,267 New Yorkers... 181 00:06:10,267 --> 00:06:11,933 The Y is silent. 182 00:06:11,933 --> 00:06:13,900 It's my charity. 183 00:06:13,900 --> 00:06:15,500 Jill, Soul Wheelz? 184 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,300 Believe me, you don't want me there. 185 00:06:17,300 --> 00:06:18,800 I will be dead on the floor. 186 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,467 They'll need defibrillators. 187 00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:21,733 I'll be in a chalk outline. 188 00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:22,900 You're my sister-in-law, 189 00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:25,067 and you never come to any of my events. 190 00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:26,933 Well, it's hard to line up a sitter. 191 00:06:26,933 --> 00:06:29,167 Oh, Jill, you really need to staff up. 192 00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:30,833 Well, I'm not working right now, 193 00:06:30,833 --> 00:06:32,967 so I prefer to do it myself. 194 00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:34,967 Why don't you take Stephanie's Thai baby nurse? 195 00:06:34,967 --> 00:06:36,133 You're done with her, right? 196 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:37,600 She's Tibetan. 197 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,100 Yeah, well, same noodle, different sauce. 198 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,767 Let's go. Bye. 199 00:06:47,633 --> 00:06:49,667 [bell dings] 200 00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:51,333 I can't believe this place is closing. 201 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:54,067 I've been coming here for 30 years. 202 00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,833 This place is an institution. 203 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:57,833 Look at--look at this glass bottle. 204 00:06:57,833 --> 00:07:00,633 You know, instead of that squeezy bull[bleep]. 205 00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:03,067 I mean, look at the people. 206 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,400 What is a Flush anyway? 207 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,600 What do these people do? 208 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,500 Put hoses in their ass and blow lunch? 209 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,333 Isn't that like anal bulimia? 210 00:07:09,333 --> 00:07:12,700 People love putting things in their ass[bleep]. 211 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,233 You should see what I see in the ER on the daily-- 212 00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:18,067 iPhone chargers, bottles of Purell, 213 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,533 old Phantom ticket stubs, 214 00:07:20,533 --> 00:07:21,700 plastic Yodas, 215 00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,433 Duane Reade receipts, pot. 216 00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:25,500 - I hate people. - I hate people too. 217 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:26,633 So "grodsky." 218 00:07:26,633 --> 00:07:27,700 A small piccolo. 219 00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:28,767 You know, it's official. 220 00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,933 This place closing just marks the end 221 00:07:30,933 --> 00:07:33,467 of the real, old, gritty Upper East Side. 222 00:07:33,467 --> 00:07:34,733 "Gritty"? When? 223 00:07:34,733 --> 00:07:36,433 Before they paved Park Avenue? 224 00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:37,967 At least when I was growing up, 225 00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:40,067 there was some shame around being rich. 226 00:07:40,067 --> 00:07:42,967 I mean, I knew kids who were mortified to have a driver. 227 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,133 Now at drop-off, 228 00:07:44,133 --> 00:07:46,300 they're pimpin' cocaine-white SUVs. 229 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:48,133 And yet you continue to live here. 230 00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,433 I was here first. 231 00:07:49,433 --> 00:07:51,500 I love that you still eat doughnuts. 232 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,533 Thank you. 233 00:07:52,533 --> 00:07:55,233 A doughnut is just a gay bagel. 234 00:07:55,233 --> 00:07:56,900 So how are the kids? 235 00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,600 Fine, annoying. 236 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,300 They'd be a lot cooler if they could fill out 237 00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:01,867 their own kindergarten applications. 238 00:08:01,867 --> 00:08:04,233 Just promise me you will not turn 239 00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:07,400 into one of those freaky mom-bots over this stuff. 240 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,800 I would never. 241 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:10,067 Why do you think I'm blowing off 242 00:08:10,067 --> 00:08:11,333 Brooke's NACHO thing? 243 00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:12,567 'Cause you hate exercise? 244 00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:14,367 No. 245 00:08:14,367 --> 00:08:15,533 Okay, yes. 246 00:08:15,533 --> 00:08:17,367 But Soul Wheelz is, like, the first stop 247 00:08:17,367 --> 00:08:18,900 on the mom-bot express. 248 00:08:18,900 --> 00:08:20,067 It's a cult. 249 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:21,467 Plus, I'm not a joiner. 250 00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:24,600 So don't join the kindergarten cult either. 251 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:25,733 Your kids are great. 252 00:08:25,733 --> 00:08:27,933 They'll be fine, wherever they go. 253 00:08:27,933 --> 00:08:29,433 Oh, you're so naive. 254 00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:30,667 But I'll give you this. 255 00:08:30,667 --> 00:08:32,200 If I ever say that I'm going 256 00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:36,100 to a $3,000-a-plate hat luncheon with the ladies, 257 00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,700 you have my permission to kidnap me, 258 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:39,900 drag me into the woods-- 259 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,433 And shoot you? 260 00:08:41,433 --> 00:08:43,233 I was gonna say "deprogram me," 261 00:08:43,233 --> 00:08:44,733 but use your judgment. 262 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,100 - Done. - Okay. 263 00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:57,467 [children chattering] 264 00:08:57,467 --> 00:08:58,500 It's Mrs. Hardwick. 265 00:08:58,500 --> 00:08:59,667 (woman) It's Mrs. Hardwick. 266 00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:00,733 Hello, Mrs. Hardwick. 267 00:09:00,733 --> 00:09:01,767 Hello, Mrs. Hardwick! 268 00:09:01,767 --> 00:09:03,567 (Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber. 269 00:09:03,567 --> 00:09:04,567 Me? 270 00:09:04,567 --> 00:09:08,067 May I see you in my office? 271 00:09:08,067 --> 00:09:11,400 Of course, Mrs. Hardwick. 272 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,667 (Mrs. Hardwick) Mrs. Weber, 273 00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:15,433 we've known your family for several years, 274 00:09:15,433 --> 00:09:17,533 and while we've come to appreciate your, 275 00:09:17,533 --> 00:09:21,667 shall we say, unorthodox approach to parenting, 276 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:25,633 this admissions season is particularly cut-throat. 277 00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,267 These schools are looking for leaders, 278 00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,867 students with vision. 279 00:09:29,867 --> 00:09:32,233 If we give them blocks, 280 00:09:32,233 --> 00:09:36,567 will they make a pile or the Arc de Triomphe? 281 00:09:36,567 --> 00:09:39,333 Mine usually just lick the blocks. 282 00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:41,400 - I mean, they're 4. - Indeed. 283 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,100 And young 4s, 284 00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:45,067 given their late-July birthdays. 285 00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,500 So unfortunate. 286 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,533 They're competing against children 287 00:09:48,533 --> 00:09:50,533 who have been bred for success. 288 00:09:50,533 --> 00:09:53,233 Legacy families, leaders of the community. 289 00:09:53,233 --> 00:09:56,800 And, unfortunately, while you are different, 290 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,367 you don't technically qualify as diversity. 291 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:03,533 Sometimes Miles looks half Cherokee. 292 00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:06,833 How. [laughs] 293 00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:09,300 I'm going to recommend 294 00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,667 that you cast a wide net. 295 00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:14,300 Yes, we have Miles applying to five schools, 296 00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:15,633 Dottie to four. 297 00:10:15,633 --> 00:10:17,667 We have our zoned local public school, 298 00:10:17,667 --> 00:10:19,867 a charter school, and Hunter. 299 00:10:19,867 --> 00:10:23,600 I'm going to recommend an even wider net. 300 00:10:30,700 --> 00:10:33,133 And Andy was up against, like, three other lawyers 301 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,733 for this position, right? 302 00:10:34,733 --> 00:10:37,133 It's one of the hardest firms to move up in. 303 00:10:37,133 --> 00:10:39,233 There they are. 304 00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:41,500 Hi. Mazel Tov, guys! 305 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:42,900 Oh, come on, now. 306 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:44,233 Tonight is Andy's night. 307 00:10:44,233 --> 00:10:45,533 - Oh, are you kidding? - My big bro! 308 00:10:45,533 --> 00:10:47,867 - Thanks, and congratulations. - Thank you. 309 00:10:47,867 --> 00:10:50,467 Oh, I can't wait to see your new letterhead. 310 00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:53,300 Eldridge, Pinkney, Whitehead & Weber? 311 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:56,167 Oh, no, they don't change the name of the firm. 312 00:10:56,167 --> 00:10:57,400 It doesn't work like that. 313 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,433 Oh. 314 00:10:58,433 --> 00:11:00,400 Well, good for you, anyway. 315 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,367 (man) Ladies. 316 00:11:01,367 --> 00:11:02,400 Oh, yay, bread. 317 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,533 - No! - No bread! 318 00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:05,800 No bread! 319 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,967 Oh, I have the proofs from Rutherford's 320 00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:11,900 kindergarten application photo shoot. 321 00:11:11,900 --> 00:11:13,067 (Candace) Oh! 322 00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:14,233 Mario Testino. 323 00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:15,667 (Candace) Oh, of course, of course. 324 00:11:15,667 --> 00:11:18,067 - Oh, precious. - Yeah. 325 00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,300 Jill, who did you hire 326 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,933 to shoot your children's photographs? 327 00:11:20,933 --> 00:11:22,100 Uh, me. 328 00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,733 My rates are great, and I'm easy to work with. 329 00:11:24,733 --> 00:11:26,967 Oh, right, you and your little photography hobby. 330 00:11:26,967 --> 00:11:29,333 Mother, it's not a hobby. 331 00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:31,800 Jill shot for tons of magazines before we had kids. 332 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,333 Yeah, it's like that time you let me 333 00:11:33,333 --> 00:11:36,833 "drop off a package" at that Victoria's Secret shoot. 334 00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:39,833 That was awesome. 335 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:44,200 It was before I met you, babe. 336 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,800 Anyway, to Lex and Brooke 337 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,867 and bagels in China. 338 00:11:48,867 --> 00:11:51,233 May they never hear of Dr. Atkins. 339 00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:54,300 [laughter] 340 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,500 (woman) So how do you like working on the Upper East Side? 341 00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:57,700 (Vanessa) Love it. 342 00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:59,067 This is just such a nice change of pace 343 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,133 from Bronx Central. 344 00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:01,700 It's so clean here. 345 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,133 And you have toilet paper in, like, every bathroom stall. 346 00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:07,767 Yeah, it's a great hospital, even if it has its quirks. 347 00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:09,067 - Heads up. - Coming through. 348 00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:11,067 Is that a sex machine? Cool. 349 00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:12,233 Pilates Reformer. 350 00:12:12,233 --> 00:12:14,733 We get eight to ten workout-related injuries a week. 351 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:17,967 Jerry, I'm gonna need the electrical saw and the drill. 352 00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:20,400 Or we could just cut off her ponytail. 353 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,467 No, not my extensions. 354 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:24,800 It's Indian hair. 355 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,933 - Like I said, yeah. - Yeah. 356 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,400 Oh, Jill, 357 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,133 Mrs. Hardwick is coming to NACHO. 358 00:12:31,133 --> 00:12:32,300 I'm sponsoring her bike. 359 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:33,533 Hardwick, seriously? 360 00:12:33,533 --> 00:12:34,733 Why? 361 00:12:34,733 --> 00:12:36,900 Because that woman has the ear 362 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:38,967 of every school we're applying to. 363 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:40,867 And if you come, it'll remind her 364 00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:44,133 that you're technically part of our family. 365 00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:45,867 (Candace) Brooke, darling, stop pushing. 366 00:12:45,867 --> 00:12:48,367 You're an Olympic skier. [chuckles] 367 00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:49,933 Jill's people aren't exactly known 368 00:12:49,933 --> 00:12:51,467 for their athletic prowess. 369 00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:52,533 Mother. 370 00:12:52,533 --> 00:12:54,167 Well, she can't just decide 371 00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:56,100 to start moving her body one day. 372 00:12:56,100 --> 00:13:00,200 [laughing] That would be like a panda deciding to speed-skate. 373 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:02,100 That would be adorable! 374 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:04,100 I can move my body. 375 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,533 I'm not a panda. 376 00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:06,833 Of course. 377 00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:09,667 I just don't want anything to go badly. 378 00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:12,400 I appreciate your concern, Candace, 379 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,900 but my "thass" and I will be there. 380 00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:17,833 Quick medical question. 381 00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,800 Am I at risk for cardiac arrest 382 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,200 if I do Soul Wheelz 383 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,700 in my current state of non-fitness? 384 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:26,700 Wait. Are you actually doing that stupid NYACHO thing? 385 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:29,600 Yes, those blonde bitches think I'm gonna break my ass. 386 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,300 What choice do I have? 387 00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:34,333 Okay, I feel it's my responsibility to remind you 388 00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:37,567 of your step-aerobics moment, junior year. 389 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,267 It was a mild sprain, 390 00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:41,467 and that teacher wasn't even certified. 391 00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:42,700 Fine, go. 392 00:13:42,700 --> 00:13:45,533 But you have to send me pictures of you in spandex. 393 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,267 It can be my early birthday present. 394 00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:48,333 Done. 395 00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:49,933 Okay got to run. I'm carbo-loading. 396 00:13:49,933 --> 00:13:51,233 Honey, it's not a marathon. 397 00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:52,900 It's 40 minutes on a hamster wheel. 398 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,667 You're right. How hard could it be? 399 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,233 Plus, it's for a bad cause. 400 00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:57,500 [laughs] 401 00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:59,133 [phone ringing] 402 00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,333 (Paul) Hey! 403 00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:02,767 I understand congratulations are in order. 404 00:14:02,767 --> 00:14:04,200 Thanks, Paul. 405 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,600 We are all very happy for my brother's bank account. 406 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,933 No, I meant you. 407 00:14:07,933 --> 00:14:09,300 You're a partner now. 408 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:10,567 Come on, top of the heap. 409 00:14:10,567 --> 00:14:11,700 Living large. 410 00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:12,700 What, did you forget? 411 00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,800 Almost, actually. Thanks. 412 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,067 It's quite the club we're in. 413 00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:18,367 115 of us partners 414 00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:20,167 get to work ten times as hard 415 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:22,433 just so the firm keeps most of our salary. 416 00:14:22,433 --> 00:14:23,800 You mean the buy-in. 417 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,233 It's that bad? 418 00:14:25,233 --> 00:14:28,233 Oh, they didn't tell you about that yet. 419 00:14:28,233 --> 00:14:30,633 It's $750K for overhead, 420 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,933 plus another 50 grand every year 421 00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:34,367 towards the employee health fund. 422 00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:36,733 - What? - Yeah, I know. 423 00:14:36,733 --> 00:14:38,733 You can either pay it up front--ha ha-- 424 00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:40,967 Or divvy it up over a few years. 425 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,367 I've been a partner ten years now. 426 00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:46,067 So I only got another, what, 16 years 427 00:14:46,067 --> 00:14:48,233 before I'm out of the hole. 428 00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:50,167 Yeah, it's totally worth it. 429 00:15:14,067 --> 00:15:15,333 Hi. 430 00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:17,933 Jill, you made it. 431 00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:19,600 What is this, a unicorn? 432 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,800 Is that--is that a child's shirt? 433 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,200 No, it's mine. 434 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,133 I don't have all the, like, gear stuff, so... 435 00:15:26,133 --> 00:15:27,133 Jill! 436 00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:28,233 Welcome. 437 00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:29,767 I moved mountains to be here. 438 00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,233 I have you at bike four. 439 00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:35,500 Actually, 44, in the back, very back row. 440 00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:36,900 Mrs. Hardwick, hi. 441 00:15:36,900 --> 00:15:39,500 Jill Weber, Dottie and Miles' mom. 442 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:40,767 I just want to tell you, 443 00:15:40,767 --> 00:15:42,933 we are on the wait list for Suzuki violin. 444 00:15:42,933 --> 00:15:44,900 - Martha. - Ashley, hi! 445 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,233 - What happened? - I know, I know. 446 00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:48,433 That's why I sent you that message. 447 00:15:48,433 --> 00:15:51,267 Okay. 448 00:15:51,267 --> 00:15:52,733 - Hey, sweetheart. - Hey. 449 00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,067 Wow. Look at this turnout, huh? 450 00:15:54,067 --> 00:15:55,233 I'm so proud of you. 451 00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:56,333 Where's your spin outfit? 452 00:15:56,333 --> 00:15:57,533 I laid it out on the bed for you. 453 00:15:57,533 --> 00:15:58,733 Oh, no, I couldn't. 454 00:15:58,733 --> 00:16:00,967 I just came for the photo-op, right? 455 00:16:00,967 --> 00:16:02,533 I have to be at the club in half an hour. 456 00:16:02,533 --> 00:16:04,100 Actually, in 23 minutes. 457 00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,067 Sorry to butt in. 458 00:16:05,067 --> 00:16:06,700 One thing that I asked of you. 459 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:08,800 Hey, do you want Ella to stay and bike? 460 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,667 I don't need her after this, huh? 461 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:12,267 Why would I want your assistant here? 462 00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:14,300 You can't just throw her at every problem. 463 00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:17,133 Hey, everybody, let's give a round of applause 464 00:16:17,133 --> 00:16:19,133 for my beautiful wife, Brooke, huh? 465 00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:20,900 Who made all this happen. 466 00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,433 [applause] 467 00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:24,133 All right! 468 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,200 [applause continues] 469 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,500 Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, Jill? 470 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,900 Yeah, you guys have fun, and NACHO, huh? 471 00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:32,100 [applause] 472 00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,967 [clears throat] 473 00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:37,467 There is a plague upon us. 474 00:16:37,467 --> 00:16:40,900 Childhood obesity is a scourge 475 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,067 affecting millions of children 476 00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,567 in this country, 477 00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:46,333 like little Augustus here. 478 00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:50,733 Augustus, come on up here. 479 00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:53,967 Your financial support will help children 480 00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:58,300 by introducing prophylactic gastric bypasses 481 00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:03,567 for at-risk kids with morbidly obese parents. 482 00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:04,833 Thank you, Augustus, 483 00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:10,167 for being the brave face of this hideous disease. 484 00:17:10,167 --> 00:17:13,733 [applause] 485 00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:14,933 Hey, are you okay? 486 00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:16,233 That was kind of harsh. 487 00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:17,433 I don't give a [bleep]. 488 00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:20,233 I get 500 bucks for these dog-and-pony shows. 489 00:17:20,233 --> 00:17:21,567 Not bad. 490 00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:25,433 Now, let's give it up for the soul of Soul Wheelz, 491 00:17:25,433 --> 00:17:27,300 the one and only Nikki B! 492 00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,300 [cheers and applause] 493 00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:32,300 [upbeat music] 494 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:33,333 * * 495 00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,500 Ah! 496 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,700 Are you bitches ready to sweat? 497 00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:39,900 [cheers and applause] 498 00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:43,733 Jack up that resistance. 499 00:17:43,733 --> 00:17:44,833 Come on. 500 00:17:44,833 --> 00:17:47,067 Only one of you can be the leader 501 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,533 up on that board today. 502 00:17:49,533 --> 00:17:51,633 Who's it gonna be? 503 00:17:51,633 --> 00:17:53,067 And here we go. 504 00:17:53,067 --> 00:17:57,067 Right, left, right, left. 505 00:17:57,067 --> 00:17:58,600 Bike 44, 506 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,333 what's happening over there, unicorn? 507 00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:03,633 Are you with us? 508 00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:05,067 Turn your resistance down 509 00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:08,400 in three, two, one. 510 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:09,667 Whoa! 511 00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,233 Hey, yeah! 512 00:18:11,233 --> 00:18:14,500 You got to move out of your comfort zone, people. 513 00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,100 Right, left, left, right, left, right, left-- 514 00:18:17,100 --> 00:18:18,933 Keep up, unicorn! 515 00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:20,800 (all) What's down there? What's up there? 516 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,967 What's down there? What's up there? 517 00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:26,067 (Nikki B) I see who my leaders are. 518 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:28,067 Unicorn, pick the pace up. 519 00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:30,133 Are you bitches gonna sit back 520 00:18:30,133 --> 00:18:33,300 and let the pregnant lady on bike 13 steal the title? 521 00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:35,633 Come on! 522 00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:38,200 Unicorn, do you want to be the leader, 523 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,200 or do you want to be one of the pack? 524 00:18:44,433 --> 00:18:48,300 There you go, better. 525 00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:49,800 That's it. 526 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,833 - Clap-clap, clap-clap. [rhythmic clapping] 527 00:18:51,833 --> 00:18:54,633 (Nikki B) Nice. 528 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,200 Stay with it, unicorn! 529 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:57,533 Stay with it! 530 00:18:57,533 --> 00:19:00,100 Come on! 531 00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,733 Am I seeing right? 532 00:19:01,733 --> 00:19:04,333 The unicorn has taken the lead! 533 00:19:04,333 --> 00:19:06,500 Let's here it for unicorn! 534 00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:08,067 Un-i-corn! 535 00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:10,900 [all chanting, "Unicorn!"] 536 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:14,067 (Nikki B) Unicorn is our leader! 537 00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:15,600 Left, right, left, right, left, right, 538 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,067 left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! 539 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:20,133 You got to move through your comfort zone! 540 00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:22,667 You're gonna be dead in 90 years! 541 00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:23,767 [door opens] 542 00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:25,600 Ooh, Daddy's home! 543 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,300 Daddy's home! Daddy's home! 544 00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,867 Hey, guys, hey. 545 00:19:29,867 --> 00:19:30,967 - Daddy! - Daddy! 546 00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,633 Hi. What's wrong? 547 00:19:32,633 --> 00:19:35,067 You didn't make $675 million today? 548 00:19:35,067 --> 00:19:36,300 No, I did not, 549 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,800 but I did bring home tacos. 550 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,100 Even better! 551 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:41,233 Whoo! 552 00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:42,967 I have an announcement to make. 553 00:19:42,967 --> 00:19:43,967 Yeah? 554 00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:45,900 I love exercise now! 555 00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,300 I was hyperventilating. 556 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:48,533 I thought I was gonna die. 557 00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:50,667 And then I staggered home, and I took a shower, 558 00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,500 and it was like the clouds parted 559 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,100 and the angels sang. 560 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:56,667 * Ah ah ah ah * 561 00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:59,800 * Amen * 562 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,200 And I not only survived, 563 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,533 I was the leader... 564 00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:05,633 for 7 seconds, but still. 565 00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:07,500 What's wrong? 566 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:11,300 We have to come up with about a million bucks for the firm. 567 00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:12,533 It's called a buy-in. 568 00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:14,233 So you got a million bucks sitting around? 569 00:20:14,233 --> 00:20:16,067 'Cause I don't. 570 00:20:16,067 --> 00:20:18,900 Okay, that is sucky enough to kill my buzz. 571 00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:21,900 But I say let's freak out about it tomorrow. 572 00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:24,100 And I want to show you the photos I took 573 00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:26,000 for the kindergarten applications. 574 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,200 Okay, what do you think? 575 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,567 Do these look like the future leaders of tomorrow? 576 00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,200 Supreme Court justices? 577 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,367 Pop stars? 578 00:20:32,367 --> 00:20:33,833 People who blog about pop stars? 579 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,133 (Andy) Dentists, maybe. 580 00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,533 I have an idea. 581 00:20:37,533 --> 00:20:39,667 Underwear dance par-tay! 582 00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:42,667 [joyous music] 583 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:43,967 * * 584 00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:46,133 Come on, Miles, get down! 585 00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:52,567 * * 586 00:20:52,567 --> 00:20:54,067 Holy Toledo. 587 00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:58,033 (Jill) Ow, ow, agony. 588 00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,133 Ow! Oh, my God! 589 00:20:59,133 --> 00:21:01,633 Ow, ow! [grunts] 590 00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:04,600 [cell phone ringing] 591 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:07,667 Hey, Jill. 592 00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,067 I'm stuck on the [bleep]. 593 00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:11,067 [laughing] 594 00:21:11,067 --> 00:21:12,133 Oh, babe. 595 00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:13,267 I can't get up. 596 00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:15,133 Why did you let me do that? 597 00:21:15,133 --> 00:21:16,833 I tried to warn you. 598 00:21:16,833 --> 00:21:17,867 Ow! 599 00:21:17,867 --> 00:21:19,867 The second day is worse. 600 00:21:19,867 --> 00:21:22,267 I hate exercise! 601 00:21:22,267 --> 00:21:25,067 (Jill) For more Odd Mom Out, go to bravotv.com. 602 00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,433 [seagulls crying] 603 00:21:26,433 --> 00:21:27,833 (girl) Oh, dear.