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SEAN: When I was 17, I met my filmmaking idol, Roman Polanski.
He told me, "Kid, if there's anything you can do and enjoy other than show business,
"find that thing and do it."
Then he told me that California State Statutory rape laws
were arbitrary and unnecessary remnants
of a puritanical and outdated criminal justice system.
But it was the first thing that really stuck with me.
And when he said it to me, I didn't need to think twice,
because I knew... I knew then what I know now,
what I've known since the very first time I saw,To Sir, with Love.
My name is Sean Wellington and I was put on this planet for only one reason...
to make movies.
REX: And my name is Rex Rexroth.
And I was put here to be his star and his muse.
SEAN: But things don't always work how you planned it in this business.
You push and the business pushes back.
The business can get in your ear, says, "Forget your hopes,
"forget your dreams, become a music video director."
-REX: Oh, yeah, true that. -But this a story about two guys who pushed back.
Who looked the business dead in the eye and said, "This is what we're gonna do,
"this is how we're gonna make it,
"and this is the story of how we did it."
SEAN: That's where it started.
I had broken up with Connie and I didn't know why.
She was smart, beautiful, and a total freak in bed.
I had to eat two Viagras just to keep up with her during foreplay.
She was a sexual wildebeest.
But I left her flat.
Jesus!
That uniform was always that tight?
You trying to say I gained weight?
No, it's just so form fitting.
Criminals aren't gonna know whether to shoot you or do you, baby.
Shut up.
-Ain't nobody doing me. No more. -[SEAN CHUCKLES]
Ain't nobody shooting me either.
-Kick ass. -I will.
-Love you. -Love you, too.
-Cough 'em up. -Oh, yeah.
-Definitely need these. -Yeah, definitely do.
-Bye, baby. -Bye.
SEAN: It would be a long time before I discovered why I did it.
I guess I was plagued by a lot of problems I didn't know I had.
But I find out all about that soon enough.
This man, amazing.
You take talent like that, with talent like this,
we're talking some Pacino and Scorsese shit.
De Niro.
-He calls me his De Niro. -No.
Scorsese works with De Niro.
All right. Is there any reason
you're trying to make me look like an asshole in front of everybody?
In terms of where this is going? I mean, listen, man,
-I wanna make movies. -Oscars.
I remember seeing Sidney Poitier,
-Mr. Tibbs and thinking... -Golden Globe.
and just thinking I wanna make movies like that.
-People's Choice. -Rex!
What?
Gimme some oxygen, I'm trying to do the thing.
Do what you do.
So...
-What was I talking about? -BAFTA.
-BAFTA? -Exactly.
[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
You know, none of this stuff works, dawg. I'm serious.
[BURPS]
Yeah, he's right.
The video has to open up with me on the Ducati.
Okay, who am I, and where am I?
Who am I, and where am I? Get it?
I'm Felix, I'm cutting your video, and I'm at work.
See, when I do work...
When I do work, it looks like my work.
When I do the work, I do it my way.
When you're here, and you do the work, the work looks like...
Look, Felix, I come in when I feel like it,
and in the meantime I trust you to do a good job.
You know I just broke it off with Connie.
You broke it off with Connie, so you should be here doing the work.
You broke it off with Connie, you do the work.
Felix, mind your business and show me the speedboat sequence, please.
Yeah, mind your business and put the speedboat sequence on.
-Dude, what about the Ducati? -Why is he here?
-What is he doing here? -Yo, dawg, go get me one of those.
Please.
Now, show me the speedboat stuff.
Yeah, see now, right there, reverse the order of shots.
I wanna see Kurupt getting outta the car with the Iron Sheik,
-before I see Foxy and the... -Of course. [STUTTERS]
What I do is, I reverse the order of the shots, right,
and then we'll defy the dynamicsof the fucking chase scene.Okay?
You're right, but do it anyway.
But I'm right, why do it your way?
-Push the fucking buttons. -Right, right. Okay.
[LAUGHS]
You're fucking everything up, it's great. No, you're a fucking genius.
You really are.
-[PHONE RINGS] -WOMAN: Mr. Wellington, Kurupt is in the building.
Kurupt's here?
What the fuck! He's here?
He can't-- Kurupt's here, you fuck! Now what am I gonna do?
He can't see it... Oh, I'm gonna be cut down in my prime.
The David Caruso of fucking video directors.
-Fucker, we're doing that. -Wait, wait, wait.
Go ahead and blame it on me. [STUTTERS]
-Why don't you go ahead and blame it on me. -Get on the ground.
-Get on the ground... -[SCREAMING]
Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Okay?
You fucking lost it with your bat-shit crazy mind!
Yeah, that's right. I'm notgonna have Kurupt thinkingI fell off 'cause you fucked up.
You rather have him think you're a violent maniac?
Goddamn right. This is hip hop, baby.
Okay, maybe you have a point.
Yeah, that's perfect. Just like that.
-Just don't hurt me. -All right.
That's what the fuck you get when you don't follow instructions around this bitch!
I kill for this shit!
Hey, hey, hey. Calm this shit down, cuz.
All this violence, nigga, this is a place of business.
He ruined the cut though, man. The video's fucked up.
-KURUPT: You did what? -You gonna let him hurt me?
Shut the fuck up.
[YELLING]
Hey! Put the damn award down, K.
Nigga was messin' my shit up!
-Told this fool. -All right!
Come on, son, let's beat this nigga's ass.
-[THUDDING] -Nigga, what you think about that? Fucking my shit up.
You bitch ass...
What? What? What?
-Crazy ass. -[GASPING]
Um... I got a shovel and some lime in the back of my car.
Grab his hands, grab his feet, let's get outta here.
We'll come back next week and take a look at the video.
-All right. -Okay.
The fuck you looking at?
-What the fuck was that? -A sign.
Your boy need a career change, bad.
SEAN: I guess I just wish I could share this next step with Connie.
I mean, what's it all worth if you can't see your success
reflected in the eyes of someone who loves you?
REX: Man, that was beautiful.
In fact, I think you might be gay.
Dude, that chick is crazy. How you gonna think she's the Sheriff?
She was fine in that uniform.
Yeah? Was she fine when she pulled that gun out on you?
-Baby. Baby. Baby. You need to calm down. -Bring it...
MTV Cribs is right outside that door.
That's all you care about? Is Cribs?
I heard the guy from MTV pissed his pants.
Are you a real cop? Or are you a stripper?
Does this look real? Out!
Yeah, I caught some heat for that, too.
My best friend's a director, and what do I get? Two bit cameos in rap videos?
I don't see you complaining when you banging video hoes two at time.
I want a tailormade starring role in a film.
I want to be the Di Caprio to your Scorsese.
The Denzel to your Spike.
The pain to my ass.
You complain too much. You whine.
You whine about everything. About your art, you girl. You love her, you hate her,
you hate her, you love her. Think about us.
Where are we gonna be in five years?
We could be accepting Academy Awards,
or we could be smoking weed with Bow Wow,
seeing two bangers, talking about how much he's grown.
You're crazy.
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.
Music videos for me aren't a way of life.
It's a way to get to my life.
The life I want,
and that's making movies.
As far as Rex goes, you know we...
have a collaborative,
close relationship.
And I think it's important for every director--
I would fucking go gay for this man.
He's making a point.
And he would, too. Don't you fucking lie about it.
-I wouldn't go that far. -Yeah, you would!
He would fucking go gay for me, too. You wanna know why?
Because that's the degree of trust you need to have
between your actor and your director.
It happens all the time, man. You heard what happened in Saving Private Ryan.
Ron Howard got blown by Tom Hank's all of a sudden.
What are you talking about? He directed Apollo 13.
That's what I heard, dude.
What's wrong with you?
SEAN: High School High, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer,
MTV's calling it a hip opera.
I ran into a man synonymous with success.
My main man, Mekhi Phifer.
If he couldn't help me, no else wreck my paradigm could.
[overlapping voices]
-SEAN: Talking a walk right now... -MEKHI: You all right?
It's a beautiful day out here today, man. You look a little down or something.
Yeah, I ain't feeling too good. Connie got me bugging.
-Oh, she got you... -Yeah, you know that old ball and chain.
Yeah, I know what it is, baby. Listen, man, listen.
Me and Sloppy, we just came back from India.
-Okay. -We was out there for four days.
We watched a donkey take a shit.
Constipated donkey take a shit.
Trust me, therapeutic. You gotta sit there with you legs folded, arms crossed.
-Like that? -No drinking, no smoking.
Trust me, daddy, it was off the hook.
All right, then. Well, I need do that.
Listen, man, I gotta be in the breeze. I gotta move something.
-All right. You stay young. -Ask your Uncle William about my 20 million
for the next year. You know what I mean? I got problems, too.
-Cap, life is good. -[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
SEAN: R&R sounds nice, but time was a luxury I didn't have.
Instead of the donkey, I went to the next best thing.
My agent.
-What's important... -Are the women.
Katie, Penelope, Nicole, I want you all.
...is that we are a team.
My mother used to say, "Rex, there's no "I" in team."
Yeah, your mother also thought there was no "P" in psychology. So...
It's the principle of it.
"Rex, real men don't hide behind silent letters."
It's not about that. What are you talking about--
Look at your name, where's the "H"? Spell your name, Sean.
-S-E-A-N. -It's a gra--
Where's the "H"?
-What are you talking about? -Why you talking about my mother anyway? She's dead.
You know she's dead, and it's emotional for me.
All right, my bad, dawg. I didn't mean nothing by that.
-Really? -Yeah. We cool?
-Yeah, man. -All right.
-How'd your mother die again? -She died of pneumonia.
SEAN: To make movies, you gotta to to L.A.
I wanted to make movies, so I was off to L.A. to see my agent Paul.
He was outta rehab and ready to roll.
[WHISTLES]
-MAN: Bright Boy! -To give you an idea of my trust level with Paul,
he tried to take 25% commission on my first video gig,
because he maintained he was both my agent and my manager.
That aside, Paul somehow has a way of finding money people
and that's what I was in L.A. to talk to him about.
Come on, Bright Boy, let's go for a ride.
No, we're not going for a ride, we're here for the money.
-Did you just say money? -Yeah, I just said money.
-You don't understand English? -You know a lot of information, don't you, Bright Boy?
That's why you call me Bright Boy. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, go ahead, kick it. It's not even mine.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I ruin your rental car for you?
Let me just shine that up for you right now, huh!
-How about that, Bright Boy? You like that better? -Sick.
Just take the freakin' money, all right?
-Isn't that what you came here for? -Play it.
-Play what? My fucking cock? -[LAUGHS]
-You're funny today, aren't you?-Yeah, I am. Now, give it to me.
That's gross.
You got anything else you wanna add?
No, just take that money to you know who.
That's good, all right. You have a good day.
Yeah, you too, all right. Take care.
[MOUTHING]
That guy's fucked.
-Who was that? -Nobody.
That's a fucking blonde guy.
The fuck is my agent passing offa briefcase to a blonde guy
in the L.A. river for?
It's a recession, Sean, we all gotta do what we can.
Come on, you aren't turning no square pants on me now, are you?
I'm not your only client, am I?
-It's a recession. -What, I just signed Shaq.
I didn't know you repped athletes, Paul.
Like I always say, other avenues means other money.
That's what I came to talk about. Other money, yeah.
Well, Bad Boy was very happy by the way.
You really knocked him out with that last one.
And, just between you and me, they sent you over a case of Cristal.
-Which I may have misplaced... -No, don't worry about the Cristal.
I got cases everywhere, man.
I'm talking about stepping up to the next level.
I'll be honest with you, Sean.
-You really pissed a lot of people off over this last year. -Get the fuck outta here.
You know, signing on to deals and then backing outta them.
You know, turning down offers that were extraordinary and generous.
-Like what? -Like what?
Like Black Jetsons. Are you kidding me?
Weinstein practically offered a night with his wife for you to hone that.
They had Samuel L. as George.
I didn't think the script was funny, P.
What's funnier than black people in the future?
[SIGHS]
What about Ghetto Munsters?
Yeah.
Ving Rhames is Freddy Munster.
Ah, Benny Boom just signed on to that one.
He's just gonna make a freaking mint.
-And probably fuck Weinstein's wife. -So, I'm fucked?
I can forget it, huh? No movie business for me.
Look at me. Look at me, Sean.
What am I doing here, huh?
Am I hustling cock, or am I hustling cash, huh?
[SCOFFS]
You're never entirely fucked.
You're my client, which means you have options.
I like my options like I like my bowel movements.
-Nice and solid. -Ah, cut the shit, P,
so what do you have for me? What do you have, Paul?
Okay, remember Frank Steiner?
Who the fuck is Frank Steiner?
He has been after you for a while, man.
I'm serious. Like...
It's all straight to DVD.
It's usually some vehicle for a rapper who thinks he can act.
-He's got something in the works, and... -[EXHALES]
-he wants to attach you for... -Why me?
-Why you? -Yeah.
What are you, a cripple fucking figure skater?
Take a fucking meeting, man. Astonish him.
Hmm, all right.
-Appreciate it, Paul. I'll take the meeting. -All right.
I'll set you up with something next week.
Now, congratulations, Sean.
You know, if you play your cards right,
you're really as good as gold, basically.
Now, let's go get some freaking Chinese.
I'm fucking starving. I haven't eaten anything since this morning.
What'd you eat?
Same thing as I always have.
Stripper fucking ass. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, let's take your car, fucker.
Mine's stolen... from a priest.
You don't get second chances in this business.
One, and done.
You got one shot at a first impression,
to sell yourself, to say this is what I've got.
Love me or hate me.
Love me or hate me, Lady Sovereign says.
That's the question.
That's how Rex and I approach it all the time. I mean,
we pitch everywhere, you name it, Universal,
-Disney, R.O.A.D... -Paramount, the Weinstein's, Fox.
The Weinsteins?
Nah, don't remember that one, Rex.
When did we meet with the Weinsteins?
Don't act like you don't understand the question.
When did we meet with the Weinsteins?
Yo, you had a meeting without me, man?
That's fucked up! Who'd you meet with, Bob or Harvey?
-I met with Rick! -Rick?
-Rick! -Ain't no fucking Rick!
Rick Weinstein and don't act like you don't know who he is.
There ain't no Rick Weinstein.
They ain't the fucking Baldwins.
It's Bob, Harvey. It's two brothers,
that's it!
So, why the fuck did he ask me for gratuity?
SEAN: There's gold, and there's fool's gold.
And then there's the direct to DVD vehicle for a rap star.
There is nothing more treacherous.
It'll chew you up and spit you out,
and before you know it, you're right back where you started.
It's like a game of Chutes and Ladders.
Just when you think you're moving ahead,
bam! Down for the count.
But the thing about showbiz is,
you never say no to an offer.
-You Frank? -Are you asking me or telling me?
Asking. I mean...
What you mean will be determined by...
-[COUGHING] -Jesus Christ!
What the fuck? Holy shit!
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
[GASPS] I can't walk and I cough up blood all day.
Jesus.
Yet, the best doctors money can buy
tell me there's absolutely nothing wrong with me.
Shit.
You like the view?
-Nice, I guess. -[FRANK GROANS]
You know, eight men died during the construction of that building.
-Was it worth it? -What?
It's simple question, Sean.
Was that building worth eight lives?
I guess not. That's a...
lot of people, right?
What would you die for?
Money? Power? Love?
-I don't know. -Don't answer right away, think about it.
We'll come back to it later.
I come up here from time to time just to brood.
Push me over there, I'll tell you about this film.
-No, push me. -What?
Push me! Push me over there.
-I'll tell you about the film. -Are you fucking serious?
[BOTH EXHALE]
Push me.
I want this film to be avant-garde.
Funny, but in a sad kinda way.
It should be fast cut, but slow paced.
Warm, yet cold and unfeeling.
And there should be a gay element.
A mixed couple with a cute little mocha baby.
Strong characters that break down crying.
And I'm directing this?
I worked with lots of directors, Sean.
It's like training a deaf dog.
We're a rare breed.
Yeah, a bunch of fat little babies with dirty diapers.
Ha! But I love you all. [CHUCKLES]
-I can't help myself. -Mmm-hmm.
My last relationship ended because of a sexual problem.
Relationships can be hard.
Oh, you're sensitive.
Are you sensitive?
You sensitive, Sean?
Kiss me.
-Gimme a kiss, Sean. -No.
-Kiss me! -Get the fuck outta here.
-Fucking kiss me, goddammit. -[SCOFFS]
You're not that sensitive, are you?
Just pitch me the film, Frank.
It's a vehicle from Mauler Brawler.
I'd love to read the script.
There's no script. These are rappers, they rap.
They're rappers.
-We shoot in a week. -So soon?
Damn!
My investor is
a prince from the far away continent of Asia.
And he's very interested in your friend Rex Rexroth.
-[SIGHS] -That's why I brought you here today.
You're hiring me because some Asian prince is into my boy Rex?
He won't give up the funds unless he's introduced to Rex Rexroth.
So I have to put Rex and some Asian prince together
in order to get your money and my job?
How am I supposed to do that?
Delicately, Sean.
Very delicately.
Anything else?
Yes, my daughter is cast in this film,
so treat her with respect.
Remember when I asked you what was worth dying for?
Well, this thing to me is my daughter.
And I will also kill for her!
So, you keep that in mind and watch your ass.
There's some very powerful elements at play here.
Now, I want you to go make mea straight to video masterpiece,Sean.
Get some faces for the box!
SEAN: I said yes to a movie with a star attachment, but without a script,
a plot, or a clue, with seven days to production.
So, by industry standard, I was ahead of the game.
But, if this was gonna work, first I had to hear the pitch.
I'm naturally suspicious of people with names that rhyme.
Despite that, I went to take a meeting with Mauler Brawler.
BRAWLER: It's conceptual. Kinda like a math movie.
See, I've been working non-stop since I got outta lockup.
I'm recording 24 hours a day, plus I got this movie shit all worked out in my head.
That's why I only write on blank notebooks, 'cause
if there's something already on the page, how you gonna do something that's new?
It's kinda like writing with invisible ink.
Seeing some shit that only I can see.
-Y'all feeling me? -What the name of this movie?
Nighttime Vultures.
The Nighttime Vultures!
I'm about to make millions.
Cha-ching!
Let's say... let's say you just get out of the pen, right?
And your man across the street, he wearing a cane...
and he like, "Yo, where's my money?"
Is that the Nighttime Vultures?
Or, or, or... Even better, you gotta jet over to your grandmother's crib
and you go and look under the mattress,
and you see that the work and the product is all gone.
Could that be the Nighttime Vultures? That's impossible.
-MAN: Impossible. -Or...
Even better than that,
you're eating some Fritto-Lays or something,
and your man got something caught in his eye,
or either he winking at you or something like that.
Could that be the Nighttime Vultures? Could it be?
Check it out. Check it out.
How about, you got a girl,
bring her back to the house,
but you got no condom.
-[SIGHS] -Nighttime Vultures.
[EXHALES] Yeah, I get it.
Just like, what I'm about to do right now is,
check the Nighttime Vultures in the bathroom,
and I'mma be right back.
Rex, shit sounds amazing.
[SCOFFS]
Where this punk ass nigga from?
-He's a Nighttime Vulture! -Whoa! Whoa. Whoa. Back there, daddy.
You moving too fast, man, you're a little too jumpy.
'Cause I'm a Nighttime Vulture.
-Putting our phones... -[EXHALES]
Where did my life go?
The Nighttime Vultures.
-You wanna get the shit slapped outta you? -No!
SEAN: Now we had to make sure we had our money.
To do that, Rex had to meet the prince's handlers.
[COUGHS]
-Gentlemen. -On behalf of Prince...
Mahavalijikorn,
we would like to welcome you to his home.
The prince purchased this placea few years ago in hopes ofbreaking into the film business.
Who's that?
Prince Mahavalijikorn
is a very, very big fan of yours, Mr. Rexroth.
And he is excruciatingly interested
in getting behind you
and your film.
However, in the tradition of royal tasters,
nothing passes to the prince's lips before it passes through ours.
What the hell are you ladies talking about?
In other words,
Rex's project is of the utmost interest to our master.
It's my project.
You are of no concern to Price Mahavalijikorn.
Rex is what we want.
REX: Sean, can you please tell me what the fuck they're talking about?
SEAN: Dawg, I don't know, but handle that.
REX: Are you fucking kidding me?
The prince would like to know you in the Biblical sense.
I don't go to church.
There's an old proverb in our Lord's land,
"If thou aren't riding stallion,
"that the stallion fucks...
"grip on with thou thighs tighter,
"and strike him about... [WHISPERS, INAUDIBLE]
"until he submits to your will."
Holy shit.
REX: Dude, I think I wanna go home.
The prince is prepared to transfer funds into any account of your choosing.
As soon as the product is deemed
"road-worthy."
-SEAN: Don't you wanna see a script? -We don't need a script.
Francine is psychic.
She studied with the great Tulukadar of Studio City.
-I don't believe in no damn psychics. -[GASPS]
You are in love, stupid.
Only the woman that you love
-is not in love with you. -Connie?
[GASPING]
She is yearning...
for a man...
with a donkey dick.
The man with the donkey dick
is her...
once...
and future lover.
SEAN: Sometimes you just need to say all that stuff
that's been left unsaid in a relationship,
to get everything out in the open.
Generally speaking, this will lead to an immediate end to the relationship.
Honesty isn't the best policy.
Ironically, whoever said that was clearly lying.
But if you love someone, it's still worth a shot.
So, Connie and I went back to the place where we first met
for a little one on one time.
CONNIE: What's wrong, baby?
SEAN: It's this job.
I'm not to sure if I'll be able to do it.
-CONNIE: Who's the star? -This dude Brawler.
[COUGHING]
Hey, what the fuck, are you choking?
-Are you choking? -Wait, dude, I got a hold of this right now.
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
-She's choking! -[INDISTINCT]
-You gotta think about the robots... -Oh!
Shit. Get outta here, you dumb shit.
Need to help her get outta there!
...pork, cheese and bacon.
Babe, damn.
You okay?
All right, sit down for a minute.
Relax. Relax.
Oh, shit.
Said Brawler's name and you had a heart attack. Damn!
What's going on?
The gum must have been too strong.
The gum?
Must have been too strong?
Nah, looks like Brawler must have been too strong.
What's going on, Connie?
What you mean, what's going on?
You heard what I said. You fucking Brawler?
-No! What are you talking about? -Don't be lying to me.
I'll punch his ass.
I'm not lying! Yo, you trippin'.
Oh, I'm trippin'? Huh? So, you gonna just play me now?
I'm... [MUMBLING]
Is you fucking that dude?
You fucking him?
-No! -Then what's going on?
SEAN: There's a point of no return in a relationship.
There's that moment when you see the real person you're with,
you know, not the performance, the show.
The performance is great. The performance can last months, even years,
but at a certain point, one of two things happen.
Scenario one, your star runs out of material
and you realize that all she had was a strong script that goes nowhere.
Scenario two is worse. You find out it's a strong script,
with a surprise ending.
Fuck! Chuck, can we go again? Just roll it back.
-[MUSIC PLAYS] -Now at Chumley's,
you can two burgers for the price of a milkshake.
Starting Monday, children eat fucking free,
-'cause this copy sucks. Come on, dude. -[MUSIC STOPS]
-Bitch-ass. Come on. Again. Let's roll it again. -[MUSIC PLAYS]
Now at Chumley's, you can get two can get two burgers for the price of the milkshake.
Starting Monday, dirty Mexican children eat free!
-Only at Chumley's. -REX: There he is.
-Go work your magic. -Are you serious?
-Does it look like I'm kidding? -Yeah, kinda.
The way your lip curls when you talk, I can't tell if you smiling or what.
-BOTH: Brawler. Brawler. -Yo, wake up, Brawler.
Who y'all niggas, man?
-Come on. -SEAN: Ah! This ain't Brawler!
See man! Oh, my bad, P, all right. We looking for Brawler.
Do I know you from somewhere or something, man?
-Why you bothering the fool, man? -It's your fault, man.
-Yo, you wanna do a movie? -You gotta be kiddin' me.
[MUMBLING]
Now at Chumley's, you can get two...
Now at Chumley's, you can get... Whoa! Whoa! Hold on!
These people, they are not supposed to be here.
You understand? These people, they are not supposed to be here.
-You're like a young Osama. -I'm sorry, you are not supposed to be here.
Listen, I'm actor. I'm looking for Mauler Brawler.
-Who's Mauler... -Where's Mauler Brawler?
-The dude I'm looking for. -No, this is a Chumley's spot.
Are you guys the writers? Get the fuck outta here, man!
Come on.
There's too many black people already.
♪ Shock collar Baby, it's the Brawler
♪ Catch me in the Maybach creeping with crawler
♪ Crystal drinking Look at me, I'm ballin'
Dude, we got in... [WHOOPS]
♪ Connie, gimme what I need
♪ I fucked Connie I fucked Connie
♪ Shh, I won't tell nobody
Go, Brawler!
Yo, he can't say that shit.
♪ I can say what I want and I love that bitch ♪
Yo, no, listen. He talking about Connie.
You can't say that shit.
-What? -Are you singing about my girl?
Pretty much. More or less, why?
SEAN: Connie hadn't mentioned no fling with Mauler.
That was the worst part.
It's one thing when some player makes the list. That's bad.
But the one you gotta worry about is the one who don't make the list.
Yo, come here...
Connie and I were over again.
Calm down. Listen,
I'll each give you a piece of fried chicken if you let me finish my Chumley's commercial.
But I didn't have time to worry about that.
The film was green lit.
-Is this white boy dead? -Mmm-hmm.
Where that chicken at, Nigga?
-Yeah. -You got some money?
SEAN: We had gotten our first check and Rex was holed up at the Saint Regis Hotel,
-enjoying inappropriate contract rider. -Yes, daddy!
Give it to me. Gimme that cock, Rex.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WOMAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Isn't this Rex's room?
-Who are you? -[CONTINUES SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
-What, do you have money? -What?
You have money? Sit the fuck down.
[CONTINUES SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Where's Rex at?
[WOMAN MOANING]
-[MOANING] -Saki. Saki. Saki.
[YAWNS]
Oh, what the fuck?
[MOANING CONTINUES]
Rex, you got a minute?
REX: Oh, Saki!
SEAN: I really need to talk to you.
Sean, you sick fuck! Where you been all day?
I was calling you.
Listen, come say hi to Diane.
Rex, I'm serious!
-[DIANE CHUCKLES] -Come on, man.
You know what? You two do what you do best.
I'll be back in two seconds.
Come here, man. Come here.
You're fucking shit up! I got two hot bitches in there,
and there's no way I'm gonna let you come in here...
-Can we talk? -I gotta take a piss.
I'm fucking drunk. This Cristal goes straight to my balls.
I'm about to piss like Seabiscuit.
[SCOFFS]
SEAN: If it's one thing the royal handlers didn't need psychic powers to figure out,
is that the way to Rex's heart was through the bedroom.
Um-mm-mm.
Hey. Don't I know you?
Mm-mm.
I sucked your dick on the set of that Mariah video.
You know, Brooklyn stages. You paid my rent that month.
I do porn now. You wanna see how big my ass has gotten?
Oh! Come on! No.
-The fuck is next? A midget? -The midget left already.
Oh, shit. What the fuck?
-[REX GASPS] -Yo.
I just wanted to own...
-Oh, shit! -I just wanted to say...
You know what's good about getting your dick sucked?
It's like your dick is connected to your whole body,
and like, when your dick is relaxed,
you brain, your mind, your soul...
-Yeah, I can see the benefits. -WOMAN: Okay, Rex,
you have an interview in 20 minutes.
Your lady friends, they don't have to go home, but they can't stay here.
And why the fuck was there bloodin my oatmeal this morning?
Someone better tell that Chinese motherfucking spare rib
that I am not a witch. Got it?
SEAN: Our manager Audrey is always on top of things.
Unfortunately she represents mostly clown performers.
But other than that, this woman is tight.
Okay, Rex, I need money. I need $20,
diapers, Rex Jr... lotto ticket.
-Da?Yes? -Da.
-You diapers, I need money. -Da. Da.
-Give. -REX: Give her some money.
-[SIGHS] -WOMAN: Yes?
-Thank you. -I will write her a check.
You better be ready.
[MAN AND WOMAN MOANING ON TV]
SEAN: An event horizon is an area surrounding a black hole
beyond which events cannot affect an outside observer.
Anything that passes through the horizon is never seen again.
Like the point of no return,
a place where you exist,
but are forever forgotten.
You crazy, sick fuck.
-You've lost your fucking mind. -Absa-fucking-loutely.
I am, and I have. But I know it's true, she's been with him.
I got proof now, dawg.
-What proof do you have? Do you have a videotape? -No.
-You got a fingerprint? You got a photograph? -No.
I don't got none of that shit, but I know, Rex.
You don't know what the fuck I have...
Okay, Bozozo, I promise you it's not gonna be that much longer.
Well, your promises are about as good as a turd on a sugar cone.
Relax, Sean.
-Don't tell me to relax either! -Relax. I know that look.
What look?
I don't care who she fucked before she fucked you.
Come here, motherfucker.
SEAN: Rex, open this door, Rex. Open this fucking door!
[CLEARS THROAT]
No, thank you, Bozozo.
I am calm now. Open the fucking door.
You know, things are going so great for us right now.
We just got the movie deal, we signed Vivica,
and you're fucking going nuts.
You need to learn to be happy for once in your life.
Be happy? Ain't shit to be happy about!
The love of my life's been tainted.
We've come too far for you to let some fucking bitch come between us.
We're not gonna do this through the door.
Christ! Did he get deported?
Bozozo, I'm telling you, this is gonna be a brilliant meeting for you. I promise.
Yeah, well, I don't see fucking Schopenhauer coming in here.
I know what the fuck is going on.
You knew, Rex! Didn't you?
-Are you serious? -Yeah, I'm fucking serious.
Say, I have gingivitis. You wanna make out?
Christ, look at those carpet sales bar.
Hadn't seen this much action since my horse hormone binge of '87.
Damn.
Okay, well, I wanted my two superstar clients to meet. So...
You wanted me to meet with this fucking clown?
SEAN: He wanted it to be a love story.
They need a hottie in there, and you know how to pull that off.
[LAUGHING]
SEAN: Our manager did however
rep one big time non-circus performer.
Mr. Abel Ferrara.
King of New York, Bad Lieutenant, Body Snatchers.
This guy knew how to make a movie
for a dime that would make a dollar into a quarter.
I was a protege in search of a mentor.
And if anybody could point me in the right direction
before we started production, it was this man.
SEAN: It just sounds good.
It might sound... It might sound good.
You know, I did spend one night with this actress.
-She finds us... -Okay.
Okay? This is... We're seeing all these other girls,
and this girl shows up.
It's my star actor...
So, now we get the girl, first thing we do is rehearse.
-Mmm-hmm -Okay.
What he did, clearly says to me...
I'm gonna go and have sushi with her first, and then I'll call you up.
At three o'clock in the morning, he calls me up and says,
"Maybe we'll rehearse tomorrow."
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
He says, "But don't call her up.
"But don't call her up."
Then at four o'clock in the morning, she calls me up and says
he wants to run away and marry her.
At six o'clock in the morning,
the girl decided to move in with me.
Wow, so she was on the phone at 4:00 a.m...
SEAN: I didn't understand a word he was saying.
It was like talking to James fucking Joyce.
Syntax was disconnected.
His stories had no obvious relevance to the questions I had asked him,
and for the most part, the details of each story had no relevance
to the already irrelevant story he was attempting to tell.
'Cause every time I tried to say, "I gotta tell you something,"
he'd say, "No, no, no, man, I'm supposed to see this girl.
"I know I'm supposed to be rehearsing last night, but I can't find her."
And then the weekend comes, we're supposed to go to Atlantic City.
I don't know where the fuck she is, how are we gonna move.
She hibernating?
I said, "Wait, I gotta tell you something, I really gotta tell you something."
Then everybody on the set
the producers are saying, everything's going great, don't say anything...
SEAN: But I understood what he was trying to say.
If he can make a movie, anyone can.
Armed with that knowledge, I was ready to go to war.
Day one.
Okay, let's try that scene one more time.
I'm so sorry, Sean, I'm so stupid.
You're not stupid.
If anybody stupid in this room, it's me. Believe me.
Are you kidding? You're a genius.
Tell that to my ex.
Oh, yeah? Well, if she was so smart, she wouldn't be your ex.
[CHUCKLES] You're so sweet.
Let's get back to these lines though.
We gotta get you outta here by the afternoon, remember.
-Oh, okay. -Yeah.
Um...
Please don't pistol whip me.
I don't know any Nighttime Vultures. I swear to God!
Yeah, much better. Much better.
Great. Well, I mean...
It's just cause you're such a great teacher.
Is there anything you're not great at?
Oh, believe me, Nancy, there's plenty of things I'm not great at.
Some things I just downright suck at.
I have a real talent for trouble. I'm great at sucking.
Well, I'm pretty great at sucking, too.
Come on, girl, let's get back to these lines.
It's just so hard, you know.
The scene's just so hard.
I'm serious. I cannot get down with you like this.
You're Frank Steiner's daughter.
-He actually made me promise. -Daddy will never find out.
Anyway, he's a total perv himself.
He fucks fish.
That's why he's so ill.
See, right there. That's more than enough information I needed to know about my boss.
This is wrong. Let's just get back to work, okay.
Well, I am working.
I'm working my magic.
Now, all I need is a magic wand.
WOMAN: I'm sorry Mr. Wellington, but I can't get Rex to the set.
He's been in wardrobe for the last three hours.
He tried on every single swimsuit,
but he's not satisfied and you gotta find him something to wear.
I don't know what to do.
SEAN: Falafel eating motherfucker.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Just a minute.
Damn.
Sean wanted me to meet him in his trailer to run over some lines, but,
I'll start the production if you're excited.
No, that's for Sean. I was waiting for him.
He'll find you later.
Hold on.
Mauler Brawler don't just walk into no trailer
with a half-naked hottie, to just turn around and leave.
Anything Sean showed you, I can show you twice.
Yeah, well, Sean hasn't done anything even once yet.
So...
Maybe you can come back later?
You're trying to tell me that you all up in here all like this
and he ain't done nothing yet?
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
-You think my ass is fat? -Sure.
Well, you know, I really did love
your last video.
Well, I directed it myself.
Oh, wow!
So impressive.
-Fuck that. -[CHUCKLES]
Oh, sorry, I thought this was Sean's trailer.
Yeah, it is. He'll be back.
C, is that you?
Yeah... Um...
Yeah, hey. Long time no see.
You seem to...
-Damn you look good. -Yeah, well...
-I'll let you get back to... -Who, her?
That's Sean's chick.
I came here to run some lines
and she was all swamping, and greased up for that nigga.
I'm about to be out.
Wait. You're with Sean?
Well, my job description is Frank Steiner's daughter.
But, Sean and I...
Yeah, but we don't have to let anyone know about this. Right?
[SCOFFS]
No, of course, not.
Get all that. You wanna get some cold coffee at Crappie's with me, boo?
Sure, why not.
We need get off the set without Sean seeing us.
You know what's right. I'll take you wherever you need to go.
Oh, shit! Nancy!
-Put some clothes on. What are you doing? -I told you I don't take no.
Come on. I can't have sex with my boss' daughter. I told you already.
-I'm not his property. -Yes, you are.
No, I'm not!
This is damn sweet, but you have to put some clothes on now!
-No, I don't. -Yes! Yes, you do.
What the hell!
-Daddy? -Frank?
Sean.
-The one thing I asked you not to do. -No, no, no, no.
-It's not what you think. -You raped my daughter.
-No! -Daddy, leave us alone. We wanna be alone.
-No, we don't! -Yes, we do.
-No, we don't. -Sean!
[FRANK YELLS]
-Daddy, stop it. He wants to. -No, Listen...
-[CLAMORING] -I don't care!
-[CLAMORING] -I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
-Oh, shit! -Daddy?
Daddy? Are you okay?
-Are you okay, Frank? -No.
[COUGHING] You hurt me bad.
Help me, my daughter.
-[COUGHING] -Oh.
You bastard, you hurt my father.
I didn't mean to do it. You saw that.
-Sean, you're fired off this film. -What?
You're done with show business.
Oh, come on, Frank, please, let me finish the film or something.
-Just leave. -I want you off this set in five minutes.
-What? -Or I'll have you thrown out by security.
-You're fired! Get out! -Leave.
SEAN: Sometimes over is just the beginning.
It's one door closing and another door opening.
Ain't nobody taking my money...
Oh, Hallelujah! Ha! Praise the Lord!
[LAUGHING IN EXCITEMENT]
It's so good to see you, son. How you doing?
We just ask Jesus, just to come by here.
Thank you! Put your arms around us!
Hold us real tight and keep us safe! [LAUGHS]
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!
-Good to see you, son. -Yeah.
Mmm!
[SNIFFING]
Did you shit, boy?
Goddamn! What is that smell? Is you high?
No, new herbal cologne, Pa.
-La Chronique.Really. -La Chronique?
-Sounds like weed. -Nah!
-No, it's a gift from Loren. -Loren?
How's she doing? She ever find herself a good man?
-Pa, she's a lesbian, Pa. -Oh, what!
-Mm-hmm. Yeah. -Oh! A lesbian?
-Niles, say hi to your brother. -[YELPS]
-My bad! -Ah man, you happy to see me? What's up?
-I need to talk to you. Hey. -All right, in a minute.
-I'm getting a tattoo. -Okay. Ladies like some ink.
-I like that one... No, I like that one better. -Okay. All right.
What's going on, family?
What, you need some money?
Just can't come by and see my pop?
Come on, Sean, you can't blame him. You haven't been home in years.
You can't blame him for being a little suspicious.
[EXHALES]
The truth is, man, uh...
I got lady problems.
[LAUGHING]
-You got lady problems? -Yeah.
So, you gonna come ask a virgin and a preacher about women?
Ain't that something.
-It's funny. [CHUCKLES] -Well, let me tell you something
I ain't always been no saint.
I've known a few ladies in my day.
Before your mama left,
and I get saved. [YELLS] Oh, thank God!
[MUTTERS] Lord bless you. Thank you, Jesus.
♪ Turned my life around
Turned his life around.
I used to do the club scene when I first got single,
and then my man Birdie, came to me, he say,
"You need to get yourself a real ugly, fat woman."
-Is that right? -'Cause they grateful.
You know, fat women are so fat and ugly, they can't go nowhere.
So, you always got a ready date. [LAUGHS]
I mean, he talking about fat. I'm talking about 290, 350.
Tell her to haul ass, you gotta make two trips. [LAUGHS]
So, anyway, I took Birdie's advice,
and I brought home this woman named Wanda Higgins.
Mmm.
Whoo!
Now, I'm talking about fine. But she was ugly, and fat, but she had some good ass coochie.
Oh, I can't hear this.
-She used to take this lotion and rub it right on... -Dad! The point?
-The point, Dad? -Oh, yeah. Um...
I'm sorry, I just...
-Goddammit, I got caught up in the memories. -Yeah, yeah.
Look here, uh...
Proverbs 4:23.
"Above all else, you follow your heart."
It affects everything you do.
-Did that help you? -Yeah, thanks, Pop. Definitely.
[MOANING]
Yeah.
Wanda Higgins... Goddamn! Ooh, that was some good coochie!
Whoa, whoa. Dad, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin.
-You don't even remember. -Big, I mean, huge!
I mean, fucking her was like climbing a mountain.
You know what? Wanda Higgins can make love to two men at a time
-and they would never meet. -Mmm.
Oh, ride it, Wanda. Ride it, Wanda!
Ooh! Anyway...
I'm gonna go on now. Thank God for the church.
'Cause if it wasn't for the church,
y'all probably find your daddy dead somewhere smashed to death.
-Right up under Wanda's big old fat coochie. -Dad!
-Is he okay? -He got worse, man.
Man, what's...
He's a little eccentric at his old age. I think we burnt him out when we was kids.
I guess so. I guess so.
But how you been, Niles? It's been that many, bro.
-You good? -I'm good. I'm all right.
Where you been, man? You leave me alone, with him.
I'm here every weekend listening to that Wanda.
Look, he told that story three times. Three times.
I know things are crazy right now, but,
I needed to come by, see you guys today. I'm here now.
So, how's Jessica by the way?
Jess... Jessica.
Jessica's been the same old Jessica.
-Come here. -Just gimme a second. Damn.
[EXHALES]
[EXHALES HEAVILY]
[WHISPERS] I need you right now. I need you.
Hmm.
[EXHALES]
[GRUNTS] Okay.
[JESSICA MOANS]
You're back.
Come on, Jess. Let's just chill.
Whoa, Jess, I told you,I don't want you doing that yet.Just chill.
Baby, I know, but it's that you get me all revved up.
You can't just leave me hanging like that.
Jess, come on... chill.
Baby. Baby... I love you,
I mean, that's why I want our first time to be special.
I mean, look, I got you these rings.
These rings symbolizes our vows with us and God.
That we won't have sex till we get married.
I know, baby. I love you, too.
Can't we just take these rings off for one hour
and then put 'em back on after?
You really don't respect my choice.
-No, it's not that I don't respect your choice-- -Put this back on.
-You know, freaky ass Jessica. -Yeah!
I mean, that's cool and all, but it's like I ain't trying to go there.
I like kissing, but I ain't trying to...
-You know how I am. -Damn, Niles.
You ain't copping any ass off her?
No, man. I got my priorities.
Look, put this ring back on. Put this on.
Just chill.
-You good. All right? -Look, Niles, stop.
I want to marry you.
So what are we waiting for?
Marriage. That's what we're waiting for.
All right, just...
You know what? You are crazy.
Really, you are so damn crazy.
Did you know everybody thinks you're crazy?
-Everybody? Everybody who?-Your bother thinks you're crazywith this abstinence thing.
Sean thinks I'm crazy? [CHUCKLES] Okay, Sean.
God.
-You always talking to God, right? -Yeah.
God, how'd I end up with the non-boots-knocking brother?
Whoa, it's like that? Okay. First of all, non-boots-knocking...
Sean is hitting everything in sight.
-He got his own issues to deal with. -Lucky him.
Me, I made a commitment with God.
Sean, he's still wandering in the valley.
Hmm, the valley.
I wish you could do some wandering in my valley.
Wow, you just... I was there, and now I'm back down.
I think you should leave. You might as well...
head out.
[CHUCKLES] You know what, Niles? You're right.
-I gotta get outta here before my head explodes. -Hey!
Don't go.
Jess, I wasn't serious about leaving. Come on, girl.
It's gonna get you, man. Don't even look at me like that.
No, but you know what? The sperm going back up to your brain,
and blow you fucking head off your shoulders.
-That's what's gonna happen. Nah, man. -That what happened to you?
I'm only kiddin' though. I mean, if that's your forever girl,
she gotta respect your choice, homie.
-That's what I said. -Mmm-hmm.
Let me ask you a question, man. Little big brother advice.
-Okay. -You should know about this.
Um...
Should I keep her, or should I give her the boot?
I mean, if you two really love each other,
ain't nothing you can't work out, you know.
Real love is forever.
Yeah, you right, real love is forever.
That's deep. That's deep.
-Sean? Sean? -Yo.
-You all right? -Yeah, I'm all right.
Yo, tell Pop I gotta go take care of something right now. Um...
I think I left the apartment on,my stoveor something like that.
I'm gonna turn the apartment up.
I'll be right back. I'm coming back, man.
SEAN: True love is forever,
and the thing is, life's a lot like showbiz.
The trick isn't deciding what you love,
it's knowing what you love, and deciding not to let life
get between you and it.
My true love is making movies,
and I wasn't about to let anything or anyone stand between me and it.
So, you know, that's... You know what it is.
I'm not following.
SEAN: The story you just heard.
Boy finds showbiz, boy loses showbiz,
boy gets showbiz back.
Trying to figure out what you guys are doing in here, again.
Now, you know I'm a busy man, okay.
Time is money, and you know...
Thank you, baby.
And I've got a lot to do. You know?
I have to prep myself and get ready when people come to see me.
I need to know why you're here.
If I had to sum it up, I would have to say this movie is about...
losing your true love and then finding her all over again.
We wanna call it A Talent for Trouble. What do you think?
No, no, no. No ice. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Before we sign any deals, women upfront, cash up front.
-What did we say, 60 mil? -Come here, princess.
60 million.
We can milk that to 75. 75 mil.
Excuse me one second.
Baby, please, I need a couple of lines of blow.
Thank you.
Beautiful. Beautiful.
That feels really good. I like you playing with my hair.
As a matter of fact, I want a hot bitch in the jacuzzi blowing bubbles for me
-so I get natural bubbles. -And where you see all of this going?
Huh? Tell me.
Oh, mummy!
Okay, listen, Prince Maha-la-grand-high-exaltic- mystic ruler...
[EXHALES]
I know I said "bitch" and "fuck" way too much.
One thousand pardons.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey
"when the organ grinder's in the room."
Winston Churchill, circa 1919.
He was talking about show business, yeah?
Mmm.
And so I'm sitting here and I'm asking myself,
what did I just hear?
What did you just pitch me?
Is it a movie?
The pain? Love?
Or was it something else? Something more?
Mmm.
Was it good?
No. Did I like it?
And I will tell you.
Absolutely not.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
But, you know, maybe it's something more than like or dislike.
Enjoy or not enjoy.
Maybe it's something I don't know how to react to.
'Cause maybe, just maybe
never heard it before.
You know, maybe it's something called truth.
How would you two like to make a movie?
[HIP HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHUCKLES]
I really appreciate you letting me hit this thing.
I appreciate being here, man. Thank you.
Are you kidding me, Bone? I'm one of your favorite fans.
Come on, let's go, let's go. You ready?
-Yeah, I'm ready. -You ready?
Yeah, yeah. I'm ready.
Freeze! Who are you?
I'm the Nighttime Vulture.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
-You kidding me. -That's not it?
That was horrible.
-You fucking suck. Look... -What?
I'm the Nighttime Vulture.
[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]
-Lemme try it again. -From here.
I'm the Nighttime Vulture.
[EXHALING] Ah!
REX: Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]
-[EXHALES FORCEFULLY] -No.
You fucking suck.
[EXHALES DRAMATICALLY]
Yo, have a piece of me. Okay?
[EXHALES DRAMATICALLY]
[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]
[EXHALES DRAMATICALLY]
[BOTH EXHALE FORCEFULLY]
-[EXHALES] -[EXHALES FORCEFULLY]
[BOTH CONTINUE]