Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
Dude, this house is insane.
Oh, it's fucking nuts, right?
- Fucking nuts. - Yeah.
Wow.
Gordon! Peanut!
Oh, there they are.
Oh, there's a Gordon and Peanut!
There's a Gordon and a little Peanut. Hi.
Mickey, this is Gordon. This is Peanut.
Peanut, Gordon, this is Mickey.
- Oh. Hi, Gordon and Peanut. - Give me kisses.
Aw, who are these goofballs? Who are these goofballs?
Gus, this house is incredible. Just leave the dogs. Show me around.
Okay.
Well, the elevator works.
Yep. This is nuts.
Wow.
- This kitchen. - It's insane.
What's that?
- Uh, a fridge. - No.
Old-timey fridge.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God! - Ah!
This is all original.
- Wow. - Nice. Yeah.
- Oh, my God. - Mmm-hmm.
- This bedroom's amazing. - Yeah.
What's in here?
Oh, my God. She has, like, a million pairs of shoes.
Gus, how many shoes can I steal?
So being a kid actor can get you a house like this?
Mmm, no.
He just comes from a really rich family and invested well.
Oh. So like... everyone I knew in New York.
Mmm-hmm. Now he's married,
so, uh, when he goes out of town, he just... just asks me to house-sit.
- Mmm. - Yeah.
This is gonna be such an awesome way to watch Witchita tomorrow, you know?
Mmm.
Are you flipping out? You must be flipping out.
- I am. - Yeah?
I think my parents are more.
My mom drug out all the Halloween decorations from the garage
and put 'em at the house so they'd have witch stuff everywhere.
Aw.
Wanna fuck outside?
Oh, my God.
If Shaun posts one more photo of her baby wearing sunglasses,
I am unfollowing her for life.
Oh, my God. I love hearing you shit-talk your friends.
Why?
'Cause it makes me know you, like, really trust me, you know?
Don't flatter yourself. I'll shit-talk to anyone who will listen.
Oh.
- Okay, I know this is gross, but... - Ooh.
Can I please pop a zit on your back?
Uh, ugh...
All right, if you think it's gross, I won't.
No, no. I don't think it's gross. I think, like, I'm gross.
I'm just, like, self-conscious about my zits and stuff, so I feel...
Are you kidding me? Popping pimples is my favorite thing in life.
- Okay. - Thank you.
- Go for it. - Thank you so much.
- Oh, my God. - Okay.
One... two...
- Did you get it? - Yes.
- Look at it. - Mmm-mmm.
- Thank you for letting me be gross. - You're welcome.
You know, I can talk shit with anyone, but popping someone's pimples...
I should probably go walk those dogs.
Who else lives around here?
Any celebrities that haven't been dead for 500 years?
Uh... I think I heard Matthew Perry lives around here.
- Cool. - Maybe. Yeah.
So that could mean that that is Matthew Perry's personal trainer.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you know Matthew Perry is in cooldown mode right now.
All right. Ooh, I think Gordon has to poopie.
Oh, okay.
It's kind of weird seeing you smoke out here, you know?
'Cause this neighborhood's so fancy.
Feels like it's like one big non-smoking section, you know?
Okay.
What?
I don't know, that just seemed a little, uh... judge-y.
Do you hate that I smoke?
- Why? Do you want me to hate it? - Do I want you to hate it?
Like, if it'd help you to quit, knowing that I hated it or something.
I mean, are you...
Are you trying to quit or is that not...
I just noticed you've been, like, smoking more than you did before.
I've been smoking more because I'm in AA and SLAA,
and I cannot give up anything else, like, for the rest of my life.
No. Totally, totally, totally. I get it. Yeah.
I wasn't trying to shame you or whatever, you know.
I know you're rockin' it. I'm super proud of you.
Okay.
That a boy, Gordon.
Hmm.
I put the dogs in their special room, so they're good for the night.
Cool. Hmm. Lookin' at these photo albums,
I feel like I know these people on, like, a psychological level.
Oh, yeah? Do tell.
He hates his parents.
- That's obvious. - Mmm-hmm.
They got married too young, but they've got a great sex life.
I think that's 100% right.
Are you wearing new pajamas?
Uh, kind of. I got 'em from that drawer.
You're wearing Linda's pajamas?
Well, we're in Linda's house, sleeping in Linda's bed.
Might as well wear Linda's pajamas, right?
Yeah, cool with me.
How much do you think a house like this is worth?
Ooh, I don't know. I'm bad with that stuff.
- Maybe, like, $200. - Hmm.
I think, like, five to seven million.
- Probably. That's crazy, huh? - Yeah.
I've always wanted to live in a house like this.
It's the dream, to be honest.
- Is that lame? - No, it's not lame to have a dream.
Dreams are good.
Dreams make people, you know, work hard to earn the things they want.
I don't wanna earn it. I just wanna have it.
Yeah, but how would you buy it?
Marry some rich dude.
Some guy that's about to die and gives me all his money.
Don't you think that's a little... anti-feminist?
Shouldn't a woman want to go out in the world and...
not depend on some other guy for...
Are you explaining feminism to me right now? Is that what's happening?
Never mind. I'm not gonna say anything more.
I just want to have a relaxed life. Always have.
Live in a big house, read some books and have a cat. Is that so wrong?
No. It's perfect.
That's a perfect dream. I... I love that.
But, honestly, how... how often do you think that happens?
Like, really happens?
- Women marrying old men for money? - Yeah.
Every 15 seconds.
No.
Mmm. You think that Jerry Hall married Rupert Murdoch
because she loves him?
Yeah, I believe she loves him.
He's living on borrowed time and she knows it.
- He's probably a cool guy. - Uh-huh.
He's, like, smart, charming, witty.
Okay, you're making a pro-Rupert Murdoch argument right now.
I'm just saying we should give more credit to these wives.
Like, did you see those pictures of them on the wedding day?
They looked very happy.
I'd rather see the photos of them on the wedding night.
- That's when the work starts. - Mnh-mnh.
Jesus Lord. Choking down that dick? Please, she earned every cent.
You know...
if Rupert Murdoch didn't exist, there wouldn't be The Simpsons.
I'm willing to live with that.
Wow.
- Do you mind if I watch TV? - No, it'll help me fall asleep.
Fucking awesome. Okay. All right. Here we go.
Fuck.
Mickey!
Hey, Mickey, can you come here?
Sure!
- What's up? - Hey, uh, did you let one of the dogs in?
Oh, yeah. I was bored, so I let Peanut in to keep me company.
Mmm, okay.
'Cause you know we're supposed to keep an eye on the dogs if they're inside.
Remember, that's, like, one of the... The rules?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Well, um, Peanut pooped in the house.
- I'm sorry. Where? - Here.
Okay, I'll clean it up. It won't leave a stain.
Not so much a stain that I'm worried about, it's more, like...
When a dog poops, it's marking its territory.
So now every time he poops, he's gonna wanna poop here...
Okay, can you not say poop? Just say shit or...
Okay. Poop. Shit. Fuck. Turds. Whatever, okay? He took a shit,
and it wouldn't have happened if you had looked and paid attention.
- I'm sorry. - I'll clean it up.
Just can you take the dogs outside or something, please? For me.
Yeah, I have to smoke anyway.
Peanut! Gordon!
Okay.
- Hi! - Hey!
- Syd! - Mickey!
- Hey. - Oh!
- You remember Gus. - Hi, Gus.
- This is Jeff, my husband. - Hi, welcome!
Hey.
- Hi, welcome. - Oh, hello.
Ooh, sorry.
Oh, God. Are we the first ones here?
Please tell me we're not that lame.
- You're the first ones here. - Fuck.
Hey, come on. Don't worry.
You don't think I've been in this position before? It's no problem.
The babysitter showed up, so we're like, "Hey, let's get outta here."
And then, you know, Syd and I don't do a lot of stuff at night,
so we got excited.
We bolted out of the fucking house.
Yeah.
Hey, Syd, come check out the backyard.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Wow, this is cool. - It is, isn't it?
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
So I slam on my brakes going, like, 60 miles an hour.
Otis is in the backseat barfing up frozen yogurt...
- Oh, my God. - and I just miss rear-ending this guy.
Ugh, I almost hit an office chair on the freeway once,
and it traumatized me for, like, a year.
Are you gonna get in trouble with Jeff if he sees you smoking that?
No, he'll be cool with it. He usually is when we go out.
That way I can't judge him for whatever he does.
- Yeah. - What about Gus? He cool with it?
Oh, he asked me yesterday if I ever thought about quitting.
- You didn't like that. - I mean, I like Gus.
I like him, but sometimes I feel like I'm his fixer-upper or something.
- Yeah? - I don't know.
We went to lunch with my dad the other week,
and he was really nice and supportive,
but it also felt like he was getting off on watching me be damaged, too, you know?
Or, just devil's advocating here, maybe he really is supportive and caring.
But he's kinda condescending about it, you know? It's the way he does it.
And I know if I ever messed up, he would be so disappointed in me.
It's too much pressure.
I wouldn't worry about it. I think you're just feeling this way
because you guys have been cooped up in this house together.
If he goes, "I'm proud of you," one more time,
I'm gonna slit his fucking throat.
So, you guys know Mickey?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Great. How do you know her?
- I work with her at the radio station. - Oh, cool.
How about you?
Yeah, I work at the radio station, too.
Oh, so you're coworkers?
He doesn't work at the radio station.
- Nah, I was just being an asshole. - Oh.
I don't even fucking know this guy.
- I don't know him either, no. - Are you guys fucking with me?
No.
- Oh, wow. - What's your name again?
- Len. - Truman. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So what about you? Uh, you've been dating anybody?
Nah. Do you know what's crazy, dude? I've been hooking up with an ex.
Ever since Witchita ended, I need something stable in my life.
- Oh, totally. I hear that. Yeah. - Yeah, so what about you?
Is Mickey staying with you this whole time you've been in this dump?
Yeah, she was here, uh, last night and then tonight and tomorrow night.
- Three nights? - Mmm-hmm.
Three nights? That's what happens when you're not working.
You fill up your free time with your dick.
No, it's okay, 'cause, you know, I'm going out of town pretty soon
- to do that movie with Arya. - Uh-huh.
So, just trying to get in some quality time before I go.
Slow down, slow down.
How long have you been talking to this girl?
I don't know, like, a month... A little over a month.
Yeah, dude, a little over a month
but you're treating it like it's been two years.
Relax, bro. Relax.
I'm pretty sure Mickey's a nice girl, but she seems a bit... complex.
See, that's what I like about her, that she is complex, you know?
It's like every day, I learn a little bit more about her,
and I think I start to understand her, then she does something that just, like...
I don't know. I love it. She's like a puzzle, and I love puzzles.
I like a nice 24-piece puzzle.
- Mickey's like a 500-piece puzzle. - Well...
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
We get to celebrate the end of Witchita together, huh?
- Yes, yes, yes. RIP Witchita, man. - Yes.
Hey, buddy, I'm so sorry about that tattoo.
Dude, I'm not there yet.
So you two are Mickey's friends?
Uh, yeah. I've known Mickey since forever.
Cool.
What about you guys? Are you Mickey's friends?
- We're Gus' friends. - I'm his best friend.
I only ask because I never know who Mickey's friends are.
Seems like she's always making new friends.
Why do you say that like it's a bad thing?
Well, I think people get to know Mickey's bullshit,
- and she has to make new friends. - Where is she, anyways?
Like, I feel like I never see her.
Let me guess. Upstairs, fucking some random dude.
Okay, shut up. You're done talking now.
- I'm done talking now. - Yeah.
Like, I've been in two fights in my lifetime.
What about you, man?
Me? None. Uh, never. I've never... fight.
What about you, Stretch?
- About a dozen. - What?
When I see injustice, I fight.
- Did you say your name was Alexis? - Yeah.
You look super familiar. Are you on Tinder?
Maybe.
Jesus. What the hell am I doing here?
Da-da-da-dah. Ooh!
Oh, you look good.
Thank you. This Linda woman has good taste.
Yeah.
So, hey, um, did you invite Randy tonight or...
- Uh, no. I assumed you'd tell him. - Okay, gotcha.
- Did you? Did you tell him? - Uh, no. But that's okay.
Okay.
So do you think Gus could have maybe invited him?
- I don't know. Why? What's going on? - Nothing. It's just...
I guess things have been a little bit strained between Randy and I lately,
so... if he doesn't come tonight, that's okay.
- Okay. - But I love all these jewels.
I feel so regal, like the kind of woman who's probably great at dinner parties,
but is a bit racist.
- What time is it? - Oh, just after 8:30.
Oh, I gotta get everybody gathered around the TV for Witchita.
You ready for some Witchita, motherfuckers?
Yeah, and keep it going for the man of the hour, Gus Cruikshank!
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, DVR-ed for zero commercial interruption.
Five...
Four, three, two, one...
It really is a beautiful steeple, Reverend.
Hmm. Yes.
- "Story by"! - Yeah. Wow, wow, wow.
You know, you should join me here this evening.
Oh, uh, of course, Reverend.
Yeah, Heidi. Go hook up with Pastor Lewis and stay off of Gus' dick.
Ha. Very funny, very funny.
Yeah, Heidi. Why don't you stay off Gus' dick?
Oh, boy.
It's just that my mother died...
- Why'd you say that? - It's a joke.
Yeah. No, that's... that's funny.
Is she a witch? Gus.
- What? - Who is witches? Like, is...
- She is? She's a witch? - Yeah, they're all...
- Most of them are witches. - Oh, okay.
Witchita.
- Do you get it? Yeah. - Yeah.
Hello? Mickey?
- Oh, my God, Andy. Sorry. - Echo!
All right. Sorry. Hi!
- Hi, how are you? - Hi. Good.
- Sorry, you guys. - Uh, this is my friend, Andy.
It's Andy Dick, obviously.
- Hi. - Uh, spoiler alert,
Colonel Mustard is giving it to Miss Scarlet up in the conservatory
with the candlestick right now.
- What's going on? - Listen, can I talk to you?
- Yeah. - In private.
- What's up? - AA stuff.
Yep. Yeah.
Sorry. Enjoy.
Um... I just gotta go talk to Andy about some AA stuff,
so do you want to pause the episode or is that, like, annoying for people?
Uh, yeah, I guess we'll just keep it running
but come back as soon as you can.
- Yeah. - Okay.
I bet you can see the whole town from up here.
Oh, look, there's Jarvis. Jarvis!
I had the, um, initial audition...
- Uh-huh. - and I fuckin' killed it.
I really did. Even I was like, "Fuck," you know.
Because I've been saying no to all... About five auditions all year.
- Because they're triggers for me. - Yeah.
They're triggers. I... I used to drink...
before I would audition and, um...
When's the last time you went in sober to an audition?
Nineteen...
Never.
I just feel like death follows me wherever I go.
All of these murders in town, it's giving me a fright.
My dear. My dear.
Now is the time...
to hold our friends very close.
You know, you never really know who to trust these days.
What the fuck, Bertie?
Why are you texting me, "I'm outside"? Just come inside. We're watching Witchita.
I'm not going in because you obviously don't want me to be in there.
No, I just... I'm sorry, I forgot.
Gus texted me, "Why aren't you here?" I had no idea what he was talking about.
I had to ask him, like some sort of loser.
Like, my girlfriend and all my friends are watching TV in a big mansion,
and I'm not invited to come in?
It just made me feel really sad.
And I feel like you're being weird to me and...
No, I'm not. It's just... Just come inside.
I... I missed you.
Aw...
I missed you, too.
Do you think they noticed I wasn't here?
Should we say I had, like, a flat tire or something?
No. No one cares. It's fine.
I mean, now, he's, like, so into my sobriety
that it's kind of borderline creepy...
- Oh, God, I hate that. - Right? He's, like, trying to, like...
Well, welcome to my world.
- Well... - The whole world's into my sobriety.
I know. I can't even imagine what that feels like.
Can't stand it.
So now he's, like, keeping track of me.
I feel like he's got a chart in his apartment
where it's like, "number of meetings per week."
I'm... I'm barely exaggerating.
Oh, yeah, but you know what?
God, I wish I had something like that.
- No, Andy. - What?
- No, we're never gonna make out. - Don't... Please don't say "never."
Oh, no, no, Detective. I've never seen anything like it either.
Hmm. Uh, let's see, well, Wednesdays?
Wednesdays, we minister to the poor...
- Are you farting? - No.
Yes, you are. I can smell it, Jeff. It's disgusting.
Well, if you know it's me, why do you ask?
Her memory's a little spotty these days
due to her advanced age and all.
But, uh, I'm sure she'll vouch for me and verify my whereabouts.
Hey. Hey, Len.
Can you take the glass of wine off the floor?
- I just... I don't want it to spill. - Yeah, no problem.
They really are stunning at night.
Okay, thanks.
Yes, it is lovely, my dear.
Say good night... forever!
Oh, my God. That lady fell.
Someone get help!
Fuck.
Um, Gus, sorry. I think one of the dogs ate chocolate.
They're acting all sick.
They're barfing. They're gonna barf more.
Are you serious? Did somebody open the door to the dog room?
God...
- Sorry. - Fuck!
- Hey, it's okay, buddy. We'll clean up. - It's okay. Uh...
I'm gonna take care of this.
- Where they at? Is it Gordon? - I don't know. They look the same.
Do we have to keep watching? 'Cause it's... I can't.
We have to go, actually, 'cause we have a sitter.
Okay, guys.
Nice to see you. Bye.
Bye. So good to see you guys.
Okay. Call me tomorrow.
Okay. And... and thanks. Probably call you tonight.
- Okay. Bye. - Okay. Thank you.
Oh, did everybody leave?
Yeah. Well, you were up there a long time.
- So... - Oh. Yeah.
Gordon ate some chocolate, but I helped him puke it up, so he's okay now.
All right.
So, why are you cleaning now? Just leave it for tomorrow.
- Because I want to clean up now. - Wow, you're so anal.
Mickey, if I wanna clean up, I can clean up. All right?
God forbid I have respect for other people's stuff, right?
Wow.
Is this what you're like?
If we lived together, would you be like this?
Like, get all wound up when things are messy?
Why are you picking a fight with me right now?
- You should be the one who's apologizing. - For what?
For missing my episode!
Like, ten minutes in, you just stand up
and, like, walk out of the room and don't see any of it.
Yeah, 'cause I had to talk to Andy.
Okay, first of all... you're friends with Andy Dick?
What the fuck? And then, second of all...
I guess Andy Dick is more important than my episode of Witchita, huh?
He had to talk to me about some deeply personal shit
and he needed to talk to someone in the program
and that is way more important
than your stupid little episode of television
that you just want everybody to suck your dick about.
Wow. You are jealous.
It's like you couldn't even be there for me
when something good was happening.
What was good? Are you talking about Witchita?
- That show fucking sucks. - Okay, don't say that.
You say that all the time!
Yeah, I can say it, but you can't. Just support me!
Oh, so lie to you now? Okay, it was great.
All right, yeah. Whatever, Mickey. Fine.
I'm an asshole because I wanted you to watch my show with me, okay?
Ugh, just... Okay, just... Please just stop monitoring me, okay?
- What? - You monitor me all the time!
I do not monitor you.
You suffocate me. I have no personal space.
You're, like, keeping tallies on me all the time.
Like, four meetings this week, three meetings last week,
and you're fucking, like, checking up on me.
You know what? Why don't you go find some rich old guy,
and you can be his kept woman...
and he can fucking ignore you, which is what you want.
You don't want anybody caring about you,
you don't want anybody looking out for you.
You wanted to be treated like dirt and be ignored,
'cause that's what you're familiar with.
And then somebody comes along and treats you kindly,
and you don't know how to fucking process it!
Wow. That's nice. That's real fucking rude of you.
- Where are my cigarettes? Where... - Why would I know?
- Did you fucking hide my cigarettes? - Oh, my God.
Yes, Mickey, I took your cigarettes and I hid them from you. You got me.
You act like it's a joke, but I wouldn't put it past you.
I'm sure that's something you'd love to do.
You're accusing me of hiding cigarettes?
- You keep tabs on me... - That's so fucking bonkers!
You wanna fucking monitor me? Fine, watch this. Monitor this.
Jesus Christ!
Hey, Gus.
Oh. Hey.
Hey, what's up, man?
Uh, I hope you don't mind, I crashed here last night.
Oh! That's okay. It's cool.
I'm getting ready to get out of here right now.
- Good morning. - Good...
- Hey. - Hey, how's everything?
Can I get a ride?
- Where you... Where you headed? - Westside.
Damn, I live in North Hollywood.
- So? - You know what, I...
We'll figure this out outside, man.
Crazy party once again. Uh, I'll see you, bro.
All right. Bye.
- Great Witchita. - Thank you. Bye-bye.
- Hey. - Hey.
- What's up? Are you taking off? - Yeah.
I figured, let you take care of the house
- for the last night. - Oh.
Okay.
- Hey, I'm sorry about last night. - No, I'm sorry.
We were getting along and then I started acting out and...
I don't know.
Well, let's leave together. Huh?
I'll just pack my stuff up and we can take off and...
Stay here.
We can have lunch tomorrow. Enjoy the house, you know.
Watch a movie on the big TV. Avatar or something.
Okay.
So, uh, yeah, we'll just... We'll talk tomorrow.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um...
I'm sorry about the crystal bowl. I'll buy a new one.
Yeah. I looked online and...
- one of those costs $2,000. - Oh.
Okay. In that case...
maybe we could pretend like nothing happened
and see if anyone notices?
That's my whole philosophy in life.
- Okay. - Okay.
Right.
Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com