♪ La, la la la la la ♪
♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪
♪ The milkman, the paperboy The evening TV ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a heart, a hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look Everywhere you go ♪
♪ There's a face Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ When you're lost out there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ La, la la la la la ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
OK, Tommy, I want your very first word to be "Mommy."
- Say "Mommy." - Say "Kimmy."
- Say "Mommy." - "Kimmy."
- "Mommy." - "Kimmy."
Hey, guys.
Steph.
Tommy?
"Steph?" That's your very first word?
What? He's been saying it for weeks.
Here's your cookie. There you go.
What? It's how I train all my men.
Ooh, speaking of men,
I just wrote the most awesome song for Jimmy.
But I wanna play it with a full band.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait...
Idea coming.
Stand by.
Mmm...
It's like she's laying an egg.
I hope it's an egg.
Hatching...
And...
hatched!
Let's get the band back together.
What band?
Our band!
Girl Talk!
What an amazing idea.
If we were 13.
Come on, Girl Talk was hard core.
Your Uncle Jesse was our manager.
We rocked our scrunchies off, remember?
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪
♪ No one's gonna drag you up To get into the light where you belong ♪
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪
See? We were good!
Ehh...
Well, OK, maybe not good.
But we were really cute.
Especially that keyboard player.
- Hey, whatever happened to our drummer? - She plays drums for Beyoncé.
Poor thing.
That's a big step down from Girl Talk.
I can play drums.
No, you can't.
Oh, yeah?
Who got the high score on drums on Rock Band?
Me!
Why would I ask the question if the answer wasn't me?
I say we give the kid a chance.
Yes.
Now all we need is Gia.
Gia? Ew!
She was such a bad influence on Stephanie.
She tried to get you to smoke cigarettes and she took you to a makeout party
and, worst of all, she talked you into wearing your very first crop top.
It so happens that I'm Facebook friends with Gia.
And she's a soccer mom now.
She drives a minivan and she walks for nine different diseases.
Wow.
I only walk for two.
Well, it used to be three, but they found a cure.
You can't just go into my locker.
I was looking for my earbuds, which you took without asking.
- How did you even get into my locker? - Your combination's one, two, three.
Mom, make Ramona stop invading my space.
Mom, make Jackson stop taking my stuff.
Aren't they cute?
They're just like brother and sister.
No, we're not.
Aww!
Hello, ladies.
Wish I could chat, but I have a sustainable farm to sustain.
So carry on with your girl talk.
He said "Girl talk." It's a sign!
And saying "It's a sign", is a sign!
And it opened up my eyes!
We get it, it's our old song.
Holy moly, it's that too!
So, are we getting the band back together or what?
It sounds like a terrible idea.
So let's do it.
Did you hear that, Tommy?
Mommy's a rock star.
Mom!
But I am a mom first.
You chickens ruined my crops.
I'd expect this from Danny, Jesse and Joey...
but you, chicken Becky?
Oh, Max, I'm so sorry.
My class presentation is next week
and my evil chickens ruined it.
Mom, heat up the deep fryer.
Let's not take it out on the chickens.
How did they get loose?
They said they wanted to be free-range.
And I stupidly said, "OK."
And now my project's going to be a loser.
So am I.
I have remained silent because I was trying to finish
my peanut butter and jelly sandwich without milk.
But now that I can talk, I will say,
I will not let you give up.
What's your angle, man?
No angle.
Just a story to inspire you to replant your farm.
During my first professional auto race,
I crashed my car on mile seven.
Did I give up?
Never.
I finished the race on foot.
In a strange twist of fate, so many cars crashed
swerving to avoid me,
that I came in a respectable fifth place.
Mom?
I'm at a loss.
Kick to the head!
Punch to the throat!
Oh! Die, skeleton tyrant, die!
Why does my mom hate this game?
What?
Hey, Jackson. Did I tell you? I dumped Bethany.
How come?
She didn't blink enough.
I mean, she blinked some,
but not enough.
So, uh, I'm gonna take a shot at Ramona.
Popko, I don't think Ramona's that into you.
Deep down, all the ladies want a tub of hot buttered Popko.
Plus, no babe can resist a man in a hat.
Hey, Ramona.
What do you want?
Hey, Lola.
Got a hat.
Congratulations.
So Ramona, you probably heard I'm single.
Lucky you.
And you're single, so...
lucky me.
So what do you say we hit the mall and share a Cinnabon?
I don't think so, Popko.
Perhaps I wasn't clear.
You see, I just asked you on a date.
You saw this, right?
Yeah, but I also saw you with Bethany on the same day you kissed me,
so pass.
Dude, Ramona totally shot you down.
It's all good. Popko lives by one philosophy.
Next!
This is so fun getting Girl Talk back together.
It's like nothing has changed.
Except now we have boobs.
Girl Talk take two!
Hi!
Gia, wow. Thanks so much for coming all the way across town.
Oh, no worries, I was actually walking a 5K for adult literacy,
and this was on my way.
Uh, OK, so Kimmy, you're on keyboards.
I'm on guitar.
- Gia, you're on bass. - Oh, I'm all about that bass.
But who's our drummer?
Are you ready to rock and roll?
I am.
However, the signs you're throwing up
mean "Hang loose" and "Live long and prosper."
DJ, hi.
Gia, hi.
It's been so long.
Yeah, who would have thunk we'd be hanging out again?
I know.
I used to think you were such a dweeb.
I know, I couldn't stand you either.
You know, it's funny, I almost didn't recognize you
without your big hair and your high-waisted jeans.
You know what's even funnier, I almost didn't recognize you
without your cigarettes and your hickies.
OK, real housewives.
Yeah, let's pretend that this is a good idea
and let's warm up with the only song that we know, "The Sign ."
- OK? - OK.
All right.
- All right, one, two... - Wait, hold on!
What are you doing?
I'm color coding my drums, like Rock Band.
OK, now I'm ready.
One, two, three, four...
Red, blue, red, blue,
red, blue,
green, yellow.
- Red, blue, red, blue... - Stop saying the colors.
It's my process.
Do you want drums or not?
One, two, three, four...
Red, blue...
...green and red and yellow...
Deej, you can't do... Oh, I...
Yup, we still got it.
Hey, Lola. You ready to go?
I can't got to dance practice today.
I have cramps.
Really? Congratulations!
Leg cramps, don't get excited.
Oh.
Ooh. Somebody sent me a video link.
Oh. I got it too.
Uh. Don't waste your time. This one's dumb.
No, but I love the dumb ones.
"Ramona Gibbler - the dancing hippo"?
I know who did this. Jackson!
It's got 240 views.
The whole school is watching this.
Popko, where did you go?
I hope your moms don't mind, I took a couple DiGiornos to go.
I like a stuffed crust.
Jackson!
You're a little punk.
You posted this video just because I broke into your locker?
- What are you talking about? - This.
Jackson, I thought you were a nice guy, but you're a jerk!
I didn't do that!
I couldn't even if I wanted to.
I'm not tech savvy.
I used to think that WiFi was a question.
I know you're lying, but whatever. I'm not gonna let this affect me.
Where are you going?
To my room for the rest of my life.
I'll go with you.
Not for the rest of your life, but at least until my cello lesson.
And Jackson, to think that once upon a time,
I actually almost considered sorta kinda maybe liking you a little.
Take down that video.
- What are you talking about? - I know you did it.
You didn't like it when Ramona shot you down.
You can't prove anything.
You were in the bathroom with your phone for way too long.
Hey, I wash my hands thoroughly. It's flu season.
What a waste of time.
My crops will never grow back in time.
I'm doomed.
You're not doomed.
In the words of Bruce The Boss Springsteen,
"Baby, you were born to farm."
In the words of me, "I need a miracle."
Ah!
That is why you should water your crops with this magic potion.
That's just hose water.
You do realize you're talking to the valedictorian of Second Grade?
Yes, you put a bumper sticker on my car.
And now, I am adding a secret ingredient.
Do you swear on your life, never to reveal the contents of this bottle?
Why does everything have to be a production with you?
Behold, young Max,
the tears of a unicorn.
Give me a break.
We all know unicorns are real,
but you're saying someone collected and bottled their tears?
That seems far-fetched.
OK, don't use them.
Because they only work
if you believe.
Meh, what have a I got to lose?
I believe, I believe, I believe...
Come in.
Hi, honey.
Before I say good night, I just wanna tell you,
there's a very real chance I'm embarking on a world tour with Girl Talk.
That's great, Mom. Can I come with you?
I will need an entourage.
That hotel TV isn't gonna throw itself in the pool.
- Sign me up. I'm quitting school. - Wait, what?
Look at this.
Yowza.
I'm so sorry, honey. Who did this?
I don't wanna talk about it.
I'm the joke of my school.
I know how you feel.
This may be hard to believe, but when I was your age
I was picked on just for having my own special sense of style.
No, I can see that.
But Mom, when you were a kid, there was no social media.
My hippo thing is going to be on the Internet forever.
But is the Internet really gonna stick?
Look, you can't give whoever did this
the power to make you feel bad about yourself.
You are Ramona Gibbler.
Dancer, artist, straight-B student, if you take out Algebra.
Mom.
I know this feels like the worst thing in the world right now,
but every day it will hurt a little less,
until you can barely feel it.
Then new things will happen that will hurt you even more.
Just know that whatever happens,
you and I will get through this and everything else together.
Thanks, Mom.
You know, some of that was actually helpful.
Don't get your hopes up, Cosmo.
I Googled "Farming miracles due to unicorn tears,"
zero results.
Then I Googled Blake Shelton, just to cheer myself up.
Come on, Cosmo.
Oh, Cosmo!
All my vegetables grew back in one night!
Am I dreaming?
Am I dreaming you're barking?
Is that a real bark or a dream bark?
This could go on all day.
Max!
The unicorn tears worked!
You must have really believed!
Oh, I believed my butt off.
Oh, Mylanta, what is this?
Mom, look what I grew in one night.
Wow, that is one big carrot!
And it already has an organic sticker on it!
Of course it does.
Unicorn tear vegetables are ready for market.
You know what, Fernando?
You're OK.
I don't care what everybody says about you at the family meetings.
Come on, Cosmo.
Wow. Fernando, thank you.
You must have been up all night replanting Max's farm.
There were family meetings?
The point is, you made a little boy very happy.
Well, sometimes he does push my buttons, but deep down,
I suppose I love that little stinker!
Well, from now on, you're going to be included in all the family meetings.
And our trips to the beach.
There were trips to the beach?
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪
♪ Life is demanding Without understanding ♪
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪
♪ No one's gonna drag you up To get into the light where you belong ♪
♪ I saw the sign ♪
♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪
Are you done?
Now I am.
Wow! You know, we actually weren't that bad.
Not that bad? We were bangin'!
And I just crushed my high score!
More important than sounding hot, we look hot.
I haven't had this much leather on since Fernando went through that phase.
You guys are gonna love our first Girl Talk T-shirt!
Um... why are you so much bigger than the rest of us?
Because sex sells.
I need a cigarette.
Excuse me?
Don't have a cow, DJ. It's just a vape pen.
Are you kidding me? There's no smoking in this house.
Relax. It's not real smoke.
And it smells like banana bread.
I don't care what it...
Ooh, that does smell fresh out of the oven, but... no.
There's no smoking.
It does smell delicious.
Would you like to try it?
I don't know if I should.
Come on, all the soccer moms are doing it, don't you wanna look cool?
Well, I guess one puff couldn't hurt. You know, right?
What, no! Stephanie, don't do it! Just say no!
Gia, you are still a bad influence, it's like junior high all over again!
Yeah, it sure is,
because you're still a goody-goody dork.
I know you are, but what am I?
And you don't play drums either.
Oh, you wanna get down in the gutter?
Name the nine charities you walk for
'cause I bet you just do it for the exercise.
Deej, take it easy.
Why are you taking her side?
I'm not taking her side.
But this is supposed to be about me and my music.
You're really getting a big head.
Look who's talking about big heads.
You're just jealous because I'm the sexy one.
Enough.
Meanie.
Girl Talk needs to stop talking.
All right, this band is officially disbanded.
But I will see you two at dinner.
And I will see you on Friday at happy hour at Burt's Tiki Lounge.
I just want you to know,
I'm proud of you for coming out of your room.
I looked into home schooling. It turns out your parents are your teachers.
That may not work for me.
It's always open.
Oh, hey, Popko. Jackson's upstairs. Not that I care.
I came here to see you.
What's up with this video of me?
What video of you?
"Bobby Poopko"?
This is so mean!
- And yet so funny! - I know, right?
You're gonna be sorry for posting that, Ramona.
I didn't post it.
I did.
You did?
What goes around comes around.
And farts.
Not funny, punk!
You wanna fight? Let's take this outside.
Yeah, I would, but the pollen count is through the roof.
What?
But you see how mad you are right now?
That's how you made Ramona feel with that hippo thing.
Wait, you posted that?
What if I did? You deserved it.
What did I do?
You dissed him in front of his friends.
Just because someone says no to you,
it doesn't give you the right to be a bully.
You really hurt my feelings.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I just said I was sorry.
I must really like you.
Well, you have a funny way of showing it.
Look, let me make it up to you.
There's one DiGiorno left with your name on it.
Maybe another time.
Another rejection?
Man, I gotta get me a new hat.
I gotta go too.
But what you did for Ramona was really sweet.
I was just looking out for her.
Uh, remember yesterday when I said I almost considered
sorta kinda maybe liking you a little?
Now I sorta kinda maybe really do.
Well, I really like you.
Yeah, I kinda had a hunch.
Do you wanna eat lunch tomorrow at school?
Yeah, I eat lunch every day.
I mean, with me.
Oh. Yeah. That's even better.
Great, it's a date.
Yeah, it's a date.
See ya.
Did you see that?!
I just got a real date with Lola!
And I wasn't even trying!
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you!
And what did you learn?
That the ladies dig Action Jackson.
Anyway, thanks for having my back.
It's all good.
You're kinda like my sister.
Well, you're kinda like my brother.
Why do I feel like we should hug?
'Cause it's mandatory in this family. Come on, bring it in.
Aww!
- Too late, we saw you! - You guys!
- Oh, man... - Come on, come on.
- All right. - Mom.
Are these turnips?
Yes, Max.
Wow, it really is a miracle. I didn't even plant turnips.
Aw.
♪ One, two, three, four... ♪