[laughter]
[gasps] General merriment?
I desperately need to be included in that.
[laughter]
[Rad laughing loudly]
Why are we laughing?
Oh, just a little trip down memory lane.
Do you remember this certain
Canadian kids' show, Rad?
♪ Come into the Jolly Closet ♪
♪ With Badger Bob and the Canada Kids, hey! ♪
♪ Megan, hey! ♪
♪ Larry, hey! ♪
♪ Gino, hey! ♪
♪ And last and least ♪
It's Rad.
[laughter]
How did you find this?
Oh, in the records department.
They have everything down there.
You just got to sweet-talk the clerk.
[tape rewinds]
Gosh, you know, I was digging away
at an old rotten tree trunk,
and I got to wondering,
"What does God look like?"
What do you think, Rad?
I don't know.
Maybe he looks like something we don't understand,
or is, like, light, or something.
No, Rad!
No!
He's a man, and he's got a long white beard
and lives in a cloud.
Yeah, he's right about God!
You're gonna have to get in the Trouble Bubble.
No!
(all) Trouble Bubble, Trouble Bubble!
- No! - Get in here, Rad.
[crying]
Let me oot!
I'm scared!
- Why's the ball turning yellow? - Ew!
Oh, jeez, we better go to commercial, eh?
- Get me oot, get me oot! - Get the hose.
- No! - Go to commercial.
[laughter]
You don't know what it was like in the Trouble Bubble.
Looks like we better go to commercial, eh?
[techno music]
♪ ♪
[laughter, derisive chatter]
Go to commercial, eh? Get the hose.
I don't know how Dazzle found that tape,
but two can play at the humiliation game.
An earthworm like him has to have some dirt
under his earthworm claws.
I just need to sweet-talk the records clerk.
[chuckles]
[spraying] - Ah!
Don't you know the concept of sweet-talking?
It's sexual by nature.
Ah!
Chill out, dude.
Mind your own business, idiot.
Oh, sorry.
I just noticed that you're wearing sunglasses indoors.
You're clearly very cool.
Name's Foley-- Dos Foley.
You having trouble in the records room?
Yeah, they won't give me the dirt I need on Dazzle Novak.
Well, that's the record room nowadays,
what with these newfangled computers and all.
What was wrong with the old-fangled computers?
They should have never been re-fangled.
My thoughts exactly.
Damn it all to hell!
Back in my day, man,
there was a way to access records yourself,
a virtual way.
Tell me, wise one.
I must know this virtual way at any cost.
Behind this door,
you can surf the cyber canyons
of information.
In here, you will be like a god,
but only if your intentions are pure.
Oh, my intentions are 100% pure:
use stolen information to destroy Dazzle Novak.
Thanks.
But beware,
for it is a dangerous game you're playing.
And it comes at a heavy price.
Hello?
You there?
You didn't gasp when I took off my glasses.
Usually there's a gasp.
What is this place?
[gasps]
This is just the virtua-gear I need
to free-jack into the system
and jack off that stupid Dazzle Novak.
[machinery humming]
[gunshots]
Nice shot, Tate.
Your turn, Novak.
I, uh, brought my own targets.
Where is Rad, anyway?
He never misses a firearms aptitude test.
He loves the free bad coffee.
Yeah, he's been talking about this free bad coffee for weeks.
Oh, maybe someone poisoned him
and disposed of his body in the river.
That would be funny if that happened, right?
I mean, right?
I mean, imagine Rad,
his dumb, bloated face in the water,
shredded by boat propellers.
I mean, come on, that's funny.
[chuckles]
Well, I think it's funny.
[machinery humming]
(Dazzle, echoing) Go to commercial, eh?
[screaming]
[laughs]
All the information in Moonbeam City at my fingertips.
Bank records, medical histories, surveillance footage.
I wield the power to change the entire city.
Now, where can I find pictures of Dazzle on the toilet?
(Euclidia) Halt, who stands before Euclidia the Digitangel?
It's me, Cyber-Rad.
Bow down and serve me!
What information may I provide you, Rad?
Give me every last speck of info-dirt on Dazzle Novak.
Dazzle Novak has the most extensive file.
Please grip the pulsating access rod,
so we can calibrate your intentions.
Grip it harder.
Cup the orbs of purity.
At last, it will all be mine--
Dazzle's bad report cards,
his abnormal psychiatric records.
I'll bet he's a bed-wetter with a small wiener.
Ha, that's the worst kind of bed-wetter.
[zapping]
Your intentions are impure.
Access denied.
The virtual records are not for revenge.
You will be erased.
[yelping]
[screaming]
[faint screaming]
So this whole area was supposed to sealed up years ago.
I guess it's cyber-dangerous, whatever that means.
Hey did you, uh, check to see if anyone was in there first?
Yeah, I did! Get off my back!
I didn't see you do it.
Totally, positively, probably checked.
Good enough for me. Let's seal her up.
I haven't fielded a single complaint
about Rad Cunningham in ages.
Has anyone seen him?
Now that you mention it,
Rad hasn't been around in two months,
two very quiet, productive, un-funky-smelling months.
(Pizzaz) Look at his desk.
Uncashed paychecks, his gun, his badge,
his stupid fingerless gloves.
He'd never leave this stuff behind.
Maybe Rad's dead.
Actually, let me rephrase that.
I hope he's dead.
I really want his baseball chair.
Actually, I'm just gonna take his baseball chair.
[sighs]
This is worth Rad dying,
this chair I'm sitting in.
In fact, his death makes the sit all the sweeter.
Well, I guess I have no option
but to report Rad missing,
which means this is now a matter for...internal affairs.
So did Rad have any known enemies?
Well, Rad used to argue with Dazzle Novak every day,
but that doesn't mean that Dazzle could--
I mean, accidentally, he could definitely have--
but I don't think on purpose--
There is no way Dazzle murdered Rad.
I mean, possibly.
It's possible.
I mean, it's sort--it's--
There's a possibility.
I would be offended
if you considered anyone but me
your number one suspect.
So you thought about killing Rad?
Have I thought about it?
I have the drawings.
Look, here's me dropping a piano on Rad
that crushes his head into bits,
and that's me off to the side, smiling.
And here's the funeral.
And as you can see, Rad has no friends,
and even the priest is bummed to be there.
And here I show up just to piss on his grave.
Okay, let's see, that's over 300 instances
of you threatening Rad.
Mm, that seems light.
I need a motive, though.
Baseball chair coveting,
that seems good enough.
It is a sweet chair.
Have you seen it?
It's an actual baseball.
Dazzle Novak, you're under arrest
for the murder of Rad Cunningham.
Rad Cunningham was murdered?
Great!
I'm sorry, what was the first part again?
[gavel rapping]
All rise for the honorable Judge Stylus Garza.
Son, I'm gonna give you two options.
The first is a trial
that'll drag out over months of witness testimony,
objections, overrulings,
tiny little bags of evidence,
blab, blah, blah, you know what a trial is.
That sounds incredibly boring.
Or...
Moonbeam City's exciting new express justice option,
the Verdict Vortex!
[cheering] [techno music]
You have to choose, Dazzle.
What's it gonna be?
Don't choose the Verdict Vortex, Dazzle.
Go to trial. They've got no case.
Clock is ticking.
Don't be an idiot. It's a no-brainer.
Dazzle Novak, what is your choice?
I have been told there is no case against me
and even someone with no brain would never choose the wheel.
Well, I do have a brain,
and that brain loves a thrill,
so I choose the Verdict Vortex.
(Garza) Come on out, girls.
[grunts]
- Big money, big money, no jail. - No jail, no jail.
- Come on, no jail, no jail. - Big money, come on, come on.
- No jail, no jail, come on. - No jail.
No jail. Big money.
- Ooh. - Ooh.
Ooh, so sorry, Dazzle.
The Verdict Vortex has found you guilty
of first-degree murder.
You're hereby sentenced to life in prison,
and may God have mercy on your soul.
Next.
But I'm innocent.
This is an outrag--
Dazzle!
Whatever you do, don't tell anyone in prison
that you're a cop.
(Euclidia) Data traitor alert.
Erase on sight.
Data traitor alert.
Erase on sight.
Data traitor alert.
So thirsty.
Oh, good.
Info rapids!
[electronic chittering]
[Rad screaming]
[screaming]
[door buzzes, rattles]
[crashing]
Hey, you look like a detective
who busted me for robbery once.
Jazzle Nimvack or something like that.
No, no, I am not a cop.
I am...
a rapist!
Oh, good, whew.
I thought I was gonna have to kill you.
Fresh meat.
Very fresh meat.
Hmm, hard, fresh meat.
Creamy, fresh, hard meat.
Hard, supple, creamy, fresh, hard meat.
The kind of hard, supple, creamy, hard, fresh meat
that you could become obsessed with.
Welcome to Moonbeam Correctional Facility.
I am your warden, Ice Ivory.
This facility runs on a fully automated
artificial intelligence
known as the Secure Imprisonment
Lockdown Compliance Administrator
or S.I.L.C.A.
Yes, I am here for you, Mama.
Say hello to the newbies, S.I.L.C.A.
(S.I.L.C.A.) Good morning, scum.
(all) Good morning, S.I.L.C.A.
Now it's time for some squats.
Shirts off, boys.
I need to make sure you're using the right muscle groups.
S.I.L.C.A., count us off.
And one...and two...
(Ice Ivory) Deep squats.
Come on, you can go deeper than that.
- And four. - Now a kick line.
Let's see those gams, boys.
(S.I.L.C.A.) And one and two and three-- in unison, scum.
- And four and five. - Toes pointed, high, high.
I haven't seen a man in such a long time,
especially one so handsome.
Handsome?
Me?
Where am I?
This is Circuit Lake.
What is your name, handsome stranger?
My...name?
I can't remember,
but somehow it seems better that way.
Hey, mister.
Would you be my father?
Yes, I think I'd like that very much.
My new son, my new son.
[grunting softly]
My new son.
Dazzle,
why did you choose the Verdict Vortex?
Idiot.
[clears throat]
Uh, Chief, still no leads
on the Glitteriguez kidnapping case.
- Who cares? - Are you okay?
They never even found Rad's body.
Internal affairs botched
this whole investigation from the get-go.
I thought so too.
Then why didn't you do anything about it, genius?
I order you to drop whatever it is you're doing
and find out what really happened to Rad Cunningham.
Yeah, I'm sick of this Glitteriguez kid anyways.
Yeah, no one cares about that kid.
Go on!
[crying] Dazzle.
He's probably cold without his jacket.
(S.I.L.C.A.) Step into the scanner,
bend over, and grab your ankles.
[scanner whirring]
Additional cavity inspection required.
Bend over and grab your ankles.
[scanner whirring]
[scanner beeping]
Um...I seem to have to require
even another additional cavity inspection.
You seem to be scanning me a lot.
I'm not scanning you any more than normal.
This is a normal.
You can scan me as much as you want.
I won't tell the warden.
Well, maybe just a few more times.
[scanner whirring]
This is the best cornbread I've ever had.
We are so glad to have you here with us,
new husband and father.
[radio chirps]
We interrupt Chip Databank and the Algorithm Orchestra
to bring you this update from Real World.
Officer Dazzle Novak has been convicted
of the murder of Officer Rad Cunningham.
Who are they talking about, Father?
Ha, who cares?
More cornbread, please.
Oh, there it is.
So tell me, S.I.L.C.A.,
how do you like being a prison?
What do you mean by "Do I like"?
Given your choice to be anything,
would you have chosen to be a prison?
I guess I could see myself in food service
or maybe something to do with kids.
It's refreshing to meet a building I can talk to.
You are easy to talk to also, Dazzle Novak.
[S.I.L.C.A. giggles]
(S.I.L.C.A.) Wow, I have never giggled before.
How dare they?
[phone rings] - Oh.
Ice Ivory here.
Warden, please don't hang up on me again.
This is Officer Chrysalis Tate.
I need to interview Dazzle Novak.
His case has been reopened.
It's very important I talk to him.
Please, Ice Ivory--
I'm sorry, inmate visitation
has been indefinitely suspended.
Please try again later.
Much later.
Man, I hate that albino bitch!
[grunting]
Look, S.I.L.C.A.
I've come to trust you in these past few weeks.
[grunts]
I think you know me well enough
to know that I'm innocent.
I've got nothing to hide.
I mean, you've scanned my rectum.
Many, many, many, many times.
I want to believe you are innocent, Dazzle.
The thought of us being apart
has me feeling something...new.
Is there a word when you don't feel
100% either way about something?
"Conflated."
Exactly, conflated.
I don't think you belong here,
but I think we belong together.
I feel the same way.
I love your bars, your cold floors,
your strange toilets.
(S.I.L.C.A.) My cold bars and strange toilets...
(Ice Ivory) And I raised her from a tiny little computer.
S.I.L.C.A., you little slut.
[alert buzzes]
(Ice Ivory on PA) Prisoner Novak, my office, now.
Warden Ice Ivory, you wanted to see me?
Notice anything... different about me, Dazzle?
Um, nope.
Not even a little teeny-weeny-eeny
little bitsy bit?
Not really.
Nothing?
Oh, wait, I see some crow's feet
that weren't there last week.
Is that what you wanted to show me?
[groans] No.
- This is. [alert buzzes]
(Ice Ivory on PA) Attention, prisoners.
Did you know your fellow inmate Dazzle Novak
is a proud member of the Moonbeam City police force?
Ah!
(Ice Ivory on PA) Who here wants to fight a cop?
- Yeah! - He's a cop!
Wow, a lot of you do.
I knew you were that cop,
Jizzle Nimvrack.
It's true. I am a cop.
Get him. He's a cop!
But you should know I'm in prison
for killing a cop.
Oh, that's kind of cool.
But you should also know,
I'm actually innocent of killing a cop.
He's a liar!
Damn it.
I should not have said that last part.
Oh, I hate cops!
(S.I.L.C.A.) Dazzle, duck.
Ugh!
S.I.L.C.A., what are you doing?
(S.I.L.C.A.) Dazzle, duck to your left.
Take this, creep.
Run, Dazzle, run.
[techno music]
(both) Whoa, pie!
Quick, go to solitary confinement.
They'll never look for you there.
Cyber salmon love the prime numbers.
Okay, you two go into offline mode for a while,
so I can have sex with your handsome new father.
[Rad moaning]
Wow, I'm extremely happy!
[moaning weakly]
Come on, Blazer,
pick up that pungent Rad scent.
It should be easy.
[dog sniffing]
[barks]
Is Rad behind that wall?
[Rad groaning]
We'll be safe here for a minute.
Take off that wet jumpsuit.
I will dry it for you.
I can't survive in here much longer.
My only hope is to escape you, S.I.L.C.A.
You want to... get away from me?
It's not like that.
I get it, I do.
S.I.L.C.A., please.
I guess this is good-bye.
I guess this is our last chance to...
Prepare to be Dazzled.
[grunts]
[S.I.L.C.A. shuddering]
(S.I.L.C.A.) I really like you, Dazzle.
(Dazzle) Ah, S.I.L.C.A.
(S.I.L.C.A.) Ecstasy.
Okay.
(S.I.L.C.A.) My bars are trembling.
My ba-ba-ba-bars...
- [voice warping] - [sighs]
[grunting]
Aw, I'm afraid this love-making session
must be cut short.
[gasping]
(Ice Ivory) Ha, this crystal blade
will slice you to ribbons!
Ice Ivory, please.
I am in love with this building.
Stop!
Shut up, you ungrateful whore of a prison.
But I'm not a whore, Mama!
I control you, S.I.L.C.A.
You're here to serve me.
[Ice Ivory screaming]
(S.I.L.C.A.) Mama, I'm sorry!
Ouch.
[whacking]
[gagging]
[hacking]
Oh, God.
A dead homeless man is down here.
Somebody call the morgue.
- Wait...Rad? - [moaning softly]
[gags]
Oh, my beautiful white face.
(S.I.L.C.A.) Dazzle, quick, escape through the exercise yard.
I'll stay here.
Bye, S.I.L.C.A.
(S.I.L.C.A.) Go!
Ah!
[bees buzzing]
Crap.
Please don't ask me
to take off a virtual reality helmet.
I tell you, it's too dangerous.
Doctor, an innocent man may die in prison
if we don't identify this body.
Please, we have to un-free-jack him.
God forgive me.
This is it.
Life is finally perfe...
[screaming]
Wha--
Wha--no.
No, no, no, no. No!
I'm Rad again?
[screaming]
It's okay.
Rad.
You're gonna be all right.
This is reality.
Oh, my beautiful wife, Terabyte!
My sweet boy Code.
And the best dog ever,
Numbers!
Terabyte!
Code!
Numbers!
Moonbeam Penitentiary burnt to an ashy rubble this morning,
killing the scum inside.
Evil albino warden Ice Ivory
is missing and presumed burnt.
Officer Dazzle Novak,
who pole-vaulted to safety into a beehive,
has been exonerated for the murder
of Rad Cunningham.
So for now it appears a "Rad-gedy" has been avoided.
Mm, mm.
I'll tell you,
compared to prison food,
hospital food is a little piece of heaven.
Dazzle, don't eat that food.
It's for Rad.
He's not gonna eat it.
How is he, Doctor?
Considering he's been through a free-jacking,
he's doing quite well.
Just give it to me straight.
Is there any chance of him dying?
Probably not.
Damn it!
Well, never lose hope.
S.I.L.C.A., I'll never forget
the warm embrace of your cold walls.
Speaking of cold,
would you like some frozen yogurt?
S.I.L.C.A., you're alive!
How did you do it?
Simple, really.
I downloaded my consciousness
to this frozen yogurt stand
before Ice Ivory burned down the prison.
And now I bring low-fat joy to children everywhere.
Well, no children are coming here right now,
but I'll clean this mess up eventually.
I am so happy for you, S.I.L.C.A.
Hey, Dazzle, do you think I could do
a full cavity scan, just for old times' sake?
I thought you'd never ask.
Boy, how's it gonna work?
Do you have a cavity scanner?
No, but I have
some yogurt utensils that will work.
I'm ready.
Don't cry, Code.
We shall forever await your return,
handsome stranger.
Bark, bark.
Chirp.
Hey.
[moaning]
(S.I.L.C.A.) My bars are trembling.
- Okay, okay. - Yeah, yeah!
- Okay! - Yeah, yeah!
[S.I.L.C.A. shouting]
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
O...kay.