1
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:12,555
Dazzle, come in, Dazzle.

2
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:14,015
Can't talk, Chrysalis.

3
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:16,100
I'm spilling some filthy beats.

4
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:19,228
Why is the city sponsoring
a children's rave?

5
00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:21,355
If you want a
child to rave safely,

6
00:00:21,439 --> 00:00:23,316
you've got to let
them rave early.

7
00:00:23,399 --> 00:00:25,818
These kids can't tell the
difference between kids'

8
00:00:25,902 --> 00:00:27,737
ecstasy and real ecstasy.

9
00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:29,363
But they're clearly labeled.

10
00:00:29,447 --> 00:00:31,407
This just seems like
a breeding ground for

11
00:00:31,491 --> 00:00:33,701
juvenile addicts and criminals.

12
00:00:33,785 --> 00:00:35,369
Take a chill pill, Chrysalis.

13
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,789
And I have 40 varieties
of chill pill.

14
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,501
Children, put your
binkies in your mouth,

15
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:45,004
'cause the beats about to drop!

16
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:48,508
[bass beats]

17
00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:52,053
[theme music]

18
00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:15,701
Hey, kid.

19
00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,203
Stop it.

20
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,913
Na-na-na-na-na!

21
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:20,373
You can't shoot me.

22
00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:21,707
I'm underage.

23
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:23,042
Dazzle, come in.

24
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,961
Bike theft in progress
in the southwest alley.

25
00:01:25,044 --> 00:01:27,880
Put your clammy hands
together for Moonbeam

26
00:01:27,964 --> 00:01:30,633
City's top sky dancer, Odyssey.

27
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:38,474
DAZZLE (VOICEOVER): Cool
rave, chill buzz, dirty beats.

28
00:01:38,558 --> 00:01:40,560
The only thing that
could ruin this vibe

29
00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,478
is if I start questioning it.

30
00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:44,564
Uh-oh, I just questioned it.

31
00:01:44,647 --> 00:01:46,983
What if I had a panic
attack right now?

32
00:01:47,066 --> 00:01:48,109
That could happen.

33
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,735
OK, just breathe.

34
00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:51,279
Relax.

35
00:01:51,362 --> 00:01:52,238
Oh, God.

36
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,573
I need some air!

37
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:56,075
Society made me this way.

38
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,452
I'm the product of a broken fa--

39
00:01:58,536 --> 00:01:59,495
[crashes]

40
00:01:59,579 --> 00:02:01,163
I'm not high.
I swear.

41
00:02:01,247 --> 00:02:02,290
Please don't call the cops.

42
00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,749
Arrest him, Dazzle.

43
00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:05,209
[exhales loudly]

44
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:10,298
You're under arrest for 13
counts of whatever you did.

45
00:02:10,381 --> 00:02:15,761
Mamma Mia, that's
some spicy justice.

46
00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,638
Welcome to "CrimeZappers."

47
00:02:17,722 --> 00:02:20,224
I'm retired Police
Sergeant Vex Mullery.

48
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:24,395
Join me as I go waist deep
into the seedy underbelly

49
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:29,025
of crime in Moonbeam City.

50
00:02:29,108 --> 00:02:30,443
Shut your damn mouth.

51
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:32,361
Vex Mulleryis talking.

52
00:02:32,445 --> 00:02:34,947
It's every family's
worst nightmare--

53
00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:36,324
getting murdered.

54
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,034
But here is the
story of one family

55
00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:41,329
pooch that would be dog
gone to see her masters

56
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,955
stabbed to death.

57
00:02:43,039 --> 00:02:45,416
July 17th, 10:30 PM--

58
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,376
the Peterson family
doesn't know it,

59
00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:49,003
but a desperate stranger lurks.

60
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:50,004
[glass breaks]

61
00:02:50,087 --> 00:02:52,298
[music playing]

62
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:56,135
Luckily, the family mutt,
Shasta, has a bone to pick

63
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,304
with this bone-headed killer.

64
00:02:58,387 --> 00:02:59,889
Ah!

65
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:03,142
In the end, the dogged
tenacity of this mangy bitch

66
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,143
saved the day.

67
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,437
[music playing]

68
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,357
We could learn
a lot from Shasta.

69
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:10,399
You're dog gone right.

70
00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,109
We could.
[gasps]

71
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,444
Vex Mullery?

72
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,154
"CrimeZappers" is
my favorite show.

73
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,657
Did you ever get my fan
letters or the death threats

74
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:19,492
after you didn't respond
to my fan letters?

75
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:20,493
Thank you, son.

76
00:03:20,576 --> 00:03:22,161
But I'm not here for you.

77
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,829
I'm here for him.

78
00:03:23,913 --> 00:03:25,164
[music playing]

79
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:26,749
Would you let us
reenact the bust

80
00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:29,293
of that bicycle-thieving
punk for our program?

81
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,795
Oh, that was nothing.

82
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,296
We're all heroes when
you think about it.

83
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:34,090
But yes, my answer is yes.

84
00:03:34,173 --> 00:03:36,717
And yes, I will gladly serve
as on-set technical consultant.

85
00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:38,135
Yes.

86
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,303
Oh, you don't
have to come at all.

87
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,346
No, I insist.

88
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:41,722
Just send a car for me.

89
00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:43,265
I was involved
in the arrest too.

90
00:03:43,349 --> 00:03:45,476
Yeah, that's cute, legs,
but it's Dazzle we want.

91
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:50,481
Must bring the memories
of that day flooding back.

92
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,776
Bet it makes you feel like a
star, instead of some jerk.

93
00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,361
I'm just curious--

94
00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,405
why are we not opening
with a helicopter shot?

95
00:03:57,488 --> 00:03:58,531
Are you kidding me?

96
00:03:58,614 --> 00:04:00,032
Our entire budget is $400.

97
00:04:00,116 --> 00:04:01,742
I'll tell you what--
let's just try one.

98
00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:05,538
OK and zaption.

99
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:06,497
Freeze, punk.

100
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:06,956
You're under arrest.

101
00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,000
And cut!

102
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,334
Great job, crew.

103
00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,545
Once again, we nailed
that reenactment

104
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:13,963
perfectly on the first take.

105
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:15,589
Let's take a group
photo, and I'll go home.

106
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,966
Hey, Dazzle, nice to meet you.

107
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:18,384
My name's Matt.

108
00:04:18,467 --> 00:04:20,052
Ah, it was a real
rush to play you, pal.

109
00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:23,514
Holy gosh, we're like
a couple of twins here.

110
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,473
Ahh!

111
00:04:24,557 --> 00:04:26,017
My average looks!

112
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,020
You will rue the day you
thought you could play me,

113
00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:30,438
Dazzle Novak.

114
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,064
I'm going to have to
reshoot this myself.

115
00:04:32,148 --> 00:04:34,900
So, why should the
police department

116
00:04:34,984 --> 00:04:37,319
finance your narcissistic
vanity project?

117
00:04:37,403 --> 00:04:38,863
Think of the kids.

118
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,406
Will they learn anything from
another cheap

119
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,074
"CrimeZappers" reenactment?

120
00:04:42,158 --> 00:04:44,952
But, the mythic struggle
between darkness and light

121
00:04:45,036 --> 00:04:47,163
as rendered through Dazzle
Novak's epic vision?

122
00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:49,415
That kind of thing
could change lives.

123
00:04:49,498 --> 00:04:52,043
Side note-- I think we can
make a dick-load of cash

124
00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:53,753
merchandising this thing.

125
00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:56,589
I mocked up these action figures
in my workshop last night.

126
00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,007
See?
See?

127
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,258
It's fun.

128
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:01,135
Hmm, well,
juvenile delinquency

129
00:05:01,218 --> 00:05:03,262
has been on the rise every year
since those damned mandatory

130
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,056
children's raves began.

131
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:08,392
You got yourself a go picture,
but if you screw this up,

132
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,854
you'll work in this town
again in a worse job.

133
00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,482
[suspenseful music playing]

134
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:16,192
Get out!

135
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,694
And may your ugly
bloodline die with you.

136
00:05:18,778 --> 00:05:19,695
Who's next?

137
00:05:19,779 --> 00:05:22,448
Says here Brunk Whitmore?

138
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:27,495
Hello, I'm uh, Brunk Whitmore
for the role of Dazzle.

139
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:30,247
OK, Brunk, where
else have you acted?

140
00:05:30,331 --> 00:05:32,625
Ah, you know, theater,
plays you haven't seen.

141
00:05:32,708 --> 00:05:34,919
Uh, uh, Shakespeare
and the like.

142
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,754
Oh, Shakespeare.

143
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,964
What roles specifically?

144
00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:43,135
Well, you know, the
knight who grips the sword,

145
00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:49,892
and the prince who eats
poison, and the Duke.

146
00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,644
Rad, we know it's you.

147
00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:53,145
Ah, crap!

148
00:05:53,229 --> 00:05:55,731
Rad Cunningham, the kid
who doesn't wipe properly

149
00:05:55,815 --> 00:05:57,358
at the slumber party of life.

150
00:05:57,441 --> 00:06:00,152
Please let me be a
part of "CrimeZappers."

151
00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:01,570
I'm begging you.

152
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,322
Oh, Rad, if you
wanted to be involved,

153
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,407
you should have just asked.
- Can I be involved?

154
00:06:05,491 --> 00:06:06,408
Nope.

155
00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:07,993
Ah, crap!

156
00:06:08,077 --> 00:06:09,745
What do I have to do to
get on "CrimeZappers"--

157
00:06:09,829 --> 00:06:10,788
zap an actual
crime or something?

158
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,165
Yo, give me the cash--
faster.

159
00:06:13,249 --> 00:06:14,458
No heroes.

160
00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,709
Not getting
involved with that.

161
00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:16,669
[dark music]

162
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,379
Wait a second.

163
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:21,465
[heavy metal music playing]

164
00:06:22,133 --> 00:06:23,008
[crashes]

165
00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,385
[moans]

166
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,765
OK, cut all the
acting that is happening

167
00:06:29,849 --> 00:06:31,934
for a moment and the
machines from recording

168
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,018
anything here now.

169
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:33,853
Damn it.

170
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,271
We injured another Dazzle.

171
00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:36,272
New Dazzle to set.

172
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:37,731
Dazzle, for God's sakes!

173
00:06:37,815 --> 00:06:39,233
We've got to wrap soon.

174
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,360
This crew is on quintuple
platinum overtime.

175
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,487
But it's worth
every penny to capture

176
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,699
Odyssey's scene-stealing
performance as Chrysalis.

177
00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:48,117
Thanks, Dazzle.

178
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,952
You know what I love
about my character

179
00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:53,372
is she is a total bad-ass.

180
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,415
She's me?

181
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:56,041
Dazzle!

182
00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:57,793
I trust this production is
swimming along swimmingly?

183
00:06:57,877 --> 00:06:59,461
As you can see, we're
staying on schedule.

184
00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,380
And the crew is
jazzed to be here.

185
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:02,298
What in God's name
are you writing?

186
00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:05,134
It's a camera rig I designed--

187
00:07:05,217 --> 00:07:06,552
Novak Cam.

188
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,345
It allows me to
shoot all the action

189
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,931
from a constantly circling
and blurry point of view.

190
00:07:11,015 --> 00:07:11,932
Patent pending.

191
00:07:12,016 --> 00:07:12,975
MAN: And cue pyro.

192
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,476
[explosion]

193
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,146
Uh-oh, this kid is
only 12, and he's been

194
00:07:17,229 --> 00:07:18,772
working for 26 hours straight.

195
00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:20,357
And he's hurt real bad.

196
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:23,903
I want someone to get
this dead child off my

197
00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,196
set immediately.

198
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:26,697
Thank you.
Big smiles everyone.

199
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:27,907
Why aren't we shooting?

200
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:29,658
That's it, Dazzle.
I'm done.

201
00:07:29,742 --> 00:07:31,535
You can find someone else to
follow you into the depths

202
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:32,912
of hell, because I won't.

203
00:07:32,995 --> 00:07:34,455
I should have known
this was all just

204
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:35,956
a very expensive
way for you to stare

205
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,666
at your own dick in the mirror.

206
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,084
You're finished.

207
00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,086
No one tells Dazzle
when to finish,

208
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:43,047
except that thick-calved
woman Dazzle Novak

209
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,757
sometimes hires to do that.

210
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,051
I'm finishing this
reenactment without your help.

211
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,886
Ha!

212
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:50,846
Good luck finding anyone stupid
enough to give you the money.

213
00:07:50,930 --> 00:07:53,515
They call me
Mr. Stupid Enough.

214
00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:57,102
[dance music playing]

215
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,190
Hey!

216
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:01,941
Dazzle Novak!

217
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,275
Me very good friend!

218
00:08:03,359 --> 00:08:06,403
Ah, yes, Zephyr Agamemnonian.

219
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,698
Shall we do the customary
double kiss of friendship?

220
00:08:09,782 --> 00:08:12,243
Oh, and allow me
to give you the five

221
00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:14,703
gentle pecks of chummy accord.

222
00:08:14,787 --> 00:08:19,416
And, of course, the
groin-knee of camaraderie.

223
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:22,419
Ho, ho, you've been
practicing, Dazzle.

224
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:23,379
Come.

225
00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:25,089
Dine with me.

226
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,216
Your vestibule
is breathtaking.

227
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:28,759
The movie biz is
treating you well.

228
00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,052
Actually, no.

229
00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,971
None of these movies made money.

230
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,473
I made my real fortune
during the war.

231
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:36,100
It's true what they say--

232
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:39,895
"The time to buy is when
there's blood in the streets."

233
00:08:39,979 --> 00:08:42,690
So I just need $30 million.

234
00:08:42,773 --> 00:08:44,400
Hmm.

235
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:47,861
I'd finance your production if
maybe you shot in the desert

236
00:08:47,945 --> 00:08:49,321
of Crackmoonistan.

237
00:08:49,405 --> 00:08:51,824
It's very war torn
but very beautiful.

238
00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:52,992
You got it.

239
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,243
We'll shoot in Crackmoonistan.

240
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:57,162
So the money happens when?

241
00:08:57,246 --> 00:09:00,332
Oh, and you know who should
play the part of you, Dazzle?

242
00:09:00,416 --> 00:09:01,750
My son-in-law, Hudson.

243
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:03,460
Hudson!
Come!

244
00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:04,420
Yeah, Dad.

245
00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:05,671
Don't call me that.

246
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,006
You see?

247
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,466
He's tall like big
glass of Clamato.

248
00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:10,759
Hmm.

249
00:09:10,843 --> 00:09:11,635
Well, I always
imagined Dazzle as

250
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:15,180
not a distractingly giant type.

251
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:19,226
But this boy has strong back,
calcified forehead, and bushy

252
00:09:19,310 --> 00:09:20,853
beard just like a movie star.

253
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:21,562
OK, OK, OK, whatever.

254
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,230
You can be Dazzle.

255
00:09:23,314 --> 00:09:24,023
OK!

256
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:24,857
You're a real director.

257
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,234
To art without compromise!

258
00:09:27,318 --> 00:09:28,402
[machine gun]
Ha!

259
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:29,486
Ha!
Ha!

260
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:30,821
[machine gun]

261
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,032
Sorry it had to be this way.

262
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:34,533
Also, you should
know I'm your father.

263
00:09:34,616 --> 00:09:38,662
Daddy, forgive
me stealing bike.

264
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:39,621
Keep going.

265
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,165
It's just locusts.

266
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,711
Should we chase after the set?

267
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:46,879
No.

268
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,130
The desert is now our set.

269
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:51,675
[music playing]

270
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,235
All right, Hudson.

271
00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:14,156
When we cut the wheel
loose, you run like hell.

272
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,407
Because it will crush you.

273
00:10:15,491 --> 00:10:16,408
Why is it so big?

274
00:10:16,492 --> 00:10:17,910
It's forced perspective.

275
00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:19,912
It's going to look
normal size on camera.

276
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,789
Now, crew, this
goes without saying,

277
00:10:21,872 --> 00:10:25,250
but please do not fight
the rebels during the take.

278
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:26,502
I know you're in a violent
struggle for your homeland,

279
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:29,213
but I need your hustle.
OK?

280
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:33,592
Lights, camera, act-- ualize
the events in the script.

281
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,094
[panting]

282
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,556
Ahh!

283
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,015
Ugh!

284
00:10:40,099 --> 00:10:41,934
[groans]

285
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:42,601
Oh, no, money--

286
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,770
I mean, Zephyr.

287
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,230
I didn't mean to crush you.

288
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,482
No feelings of
hardness, my friend.

289
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:52,778
Your reenactment is only work
of value I ever produced.

290
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:53,237
Promise me two things.

291
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,489
[coughs]

292
00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:58,033
You will finish
this reenactment.

293
00:10:58,117 --> 00:10:59,785
And you will bring
Zephyr back to life.

294
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:03,288
Unless they discover
a cure for crushed body,

295
00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,915
I can only promise the first.

296
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,041
That's true.

297
00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:07,668
There's blood in the streets.

298
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:09,962
Don't forget to buy.

299
00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:11,422
[groans]

300
00:11:12,965 --> 00:11:15,134
All right, let's clear this
corpse and go right away.

301
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,635
Big smiles.
Why aren't we shooting?

302
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,095
[gunshot]

303
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,264
Zephyr is dead!

304
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:23,475
The cruelest among us will
now fill the power vacuum.

305
00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:24,768
Stop shooting each other!

306
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,563
Save your ammo for the rebels.

307
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:29,440
[gunshots]

308
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:30,482
[indistinct yelling]

309
00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:31,483
Heads up!

310
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:32,985
Novak Cam!

311
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:34,903
Oh!

312
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:35,571
[inaudible]

313
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:39,074
[music playing]

314
00:11:39,158 --> 00:11:42,995
Dazzle, your back and
your front are both so fat.

315
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,663
Ma'am, I need you
to stay clear of Mr.

316
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,415
Novak's eye contact zone.

317
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:47,416
Attention.

318
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,667
Thank you.

319
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,627
We are seconds away
from a television event

320
00:11:50,711 --> 00:11:52,921
that will change everything.

321
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:54,506
But first, let's
take a quiet moment

322
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:55,507
to mourn the 16 crew
members and two editors

323
00:11:55,591 --> 00:11:58,343
who died during our production.

324
00:11:58,427 --> 00:12:01,472
May their ghosts haunt this
reenactment but in a good way--

325
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,056
like, people watch
it again to see

326
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,850
if they could see the ghosts.

327
00:12:04,933 --> 00:12:08,061
And to their widows, I say,
drop your frivolous lawsuit,

328
00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:09,646
you vicious enemies of art!

329
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,356
[chatter]
- The show's about to start.

330
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:12,816
The show's about to start.
Shh.

331
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,735
Come on, quiet down right now.

332
00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:18,739
Bicycle thieves-- they always
appear glamorous in the movies.

333
00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:22,201
But gear up for a wheely
exciting story of one thief

334
00:12:22,284 --> 00:12:27,206
who couldn't handlebar the tire
pressure on Moonbeam City

335
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,833
Heat "Spokes."

336
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,418
What price, justice, yes.

337
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,880
Struck down a thief, but
what does it mean to thieve.

338
00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:39,426
To understand, we must travel
back to the origins of man.

339
00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:40,511
We're going into flashback.

340
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,846
Everybody put your
3D glasses on.

341
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,806
OK, we're back to the
present, take them off.

342
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:45,807
OK, put them on.

343
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,309
OK, take them off.

344
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:48,435
All right, back to the
present-- take them off.

345
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,562
OK, dream sequence.
Dream sequence.

346
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:52,397
Off and on, off and on,
off and on, off and on.

347
00:12:52,481 --> 00:12:53,565
The nation of
Crackmoonistan has much

348
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:56,276
to offer to the west
in exchange for arms

349
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,528
to purge the rebel scum.

350
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,987
Ahh!

351
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,578
What the hell was that?

352
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:09,706
Uh, Dazzle, that
was ambitious.

353
00:13:09,790 --> 00:13:12,459
Well, they cut out all the
full frontal nudity for TV.

354
00:13:12,543 --> 00:13:13,627
Whatever.

355
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,128
The director's cut
is the real version.

356
00:13:15,212 --> 00:13:15,629
Whatever.
It what it is.

357
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,339
Whatever.

358
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,507
I'm tired of talking about this.

359
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,217
The director's cut's better.

360
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,719
Next up-- the story
of a heroic cop,

361
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,556
Rad Cunningham who
zapped back the streets

362
00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:30,561
in the name of justice when
"CrimeZappers" returns.

363
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:33,605
Rad Cunningham
on "CrimeZappers."

364
00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:34,731
Oh, you heard right.

365
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:37,943
Reenacted and it feels so good.

366
00:13:38,026 --> 00:13:39,736
Stick around, everyone.

367
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:42,447
I made my own segment
of "CrimeZappers,"

368
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:45,534
and you'll see it
after the break.

369
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,202
After the break.

370
00:13:47,286 --> 00:13:48,704
After the break.

371
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,793
it's time to watch
my reenactment.

372
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:55,752
Rad, I think I speak
for everyone when

373
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:58,088
I say we are reenacted out.

374
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,006
Sit down!

375
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,048
Sit down, asshole!

376
00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:01,550
Sit down!

377
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:04,761
April 5th, 10:00 PM,
these candy kids raid

378
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:07,222
a liquor store like
it's a candy store,

379
00:14:07,306 --> 00:14:10,267
but they have no idea
what's in store for them.

380
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,268
[gun clicks]

381
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,436
Oh, yoo-hoo!

382
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:16,523
[music playing]

383
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:23,488
(RAPPING) Listen up, punk,
let me tell you what's up.

384
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:24,990
You're going to eat crap,
and that's what's up.

385
00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:28,410
You may think that
stealing is cool.

386
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:35,167
But it's [inaudible] Eat crap.

387
00:14:35,250 --> 00:14:36,209
[applause]
- Whoa.

388
00:14:36,293 --> 00:14:37,336
Cool.

389
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:37,961
All right, that was great.

390
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:40,339
He sings too.

391
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,174
I produced the track myself.

392
00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,926
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but I actually liked it.

393
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:48,847
Couldn't have done it without
my producer de extraordinary.

394
00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:51,350
Pizzazz, you produced this?

395
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:53,352
Why?

396
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:54,770
Rad stays under budget.

397
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,355
Rad does what he's told.

398
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:57,814
And Rad plays ball, kid.

399
00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:01,234
Can't you tell the difference
between Rad's slick-slacky

400
00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,944
hackery and my real art?

401
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,571
More like real fart.

402
00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:05,322
[laughter]

403
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,865
And he's funny too.

404
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,325
He's funny.

405
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,826
- Keep it single file, people.
- Hi.

406
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:11,411
Thanks for coming out.
What's your name?

407
00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,246
- [inaudible]
- Sure, I'll sign your dick.

408
00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:16,208
[music playing]

409
00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:22,547
[doorbell rings]

410
00:15:22,631 --> 00:15:25,509
Long time no see, Cinnamon.

411
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,760
You saw me yesterday.

412
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:27,302
And my name's Chrysalis.

413
00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:29,388
Right.

414
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:30,347
Want a beer?

415
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,473
I don't drink them.

416
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,183
I just like opening them.

417
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,061
I figured you'd go
downhill at some point

418
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,521
but not quite this fast.

419
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:38,855
Why are you giving up on life?

420
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:42,567
To quote the poet, "What
happens to a dream deferred?

421
00:15:42,651 --> 00:15:45,570
Does it dry up like
a California raisin?

422
00:15:45,654 --> 00:15:50,992
Or does it swell up until
it goes explodo-kaboom?

423
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:53,912
You can't die of self-pity
just because Rad is slightly

424
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:55,872
more appreciated this week.

425
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,457
Come back to work.

426
00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:58,667
The force needs you.

427
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,044
I don't fight crime anymore.

428
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:04,548
I fight my shame with food--

429
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,759
mostly cheese.

430
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:09,219
[crash]

431
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,973
Are you sure that's
not a size six,

432
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,267
because I'm definitely a seven.

433
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,268
It is a size seven.

434
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,853
Maybe it's labeled wrong?

435
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,272
Maybe you just have
huge [bleep] feet, lady.

436
00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,314
[door chime]

437
00:16:21,398 --> 00:16:22,607
[chuckles]

438
00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:24,609
Dazzle, is that
you, old sport?

439
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:27,571
I've seen you on the TV.

440
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:32,117
Rad, you're a total
bad-ass rockstar.

441
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,119
You're a bad-ass, babe.

442
00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,871
Now how about you put some
kicks on these famous feet?

443
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:38,540
This is a ladies' shoe store.

444
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:39,958
That doesn't matter.

445
00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:40,792
I want you to put
a pump on my foot.

446
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,919
You heard the hero.

447
00:16:43,003 --> 00:16:43,462
Put a pump on his foot.

448
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:45,464
Oh, yeah.

449
00:16:45,547 --> 00:16:47,174
Slip it on there good.

450
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:48,175
I can't.

451
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:49,676
Do it.

452
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:50,343
Put that lady's pump on
my dirty, dirty foot.

453
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:52,721
[grunts]

454
00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:53,430
Now I'm kicking you.
[groans]

455
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,640
Ow!

456
00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:56,850
Kicking you with
my sensible pump.

457
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:57,642
[grunts]

458
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:58,894
How does that feel?

459
00:16:58,977 --> 00:16:59,853
Oops.

460
00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,104
Did it again.

461
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:02,773
I guess it wasn't an accident.

462
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:04,065
[grunts]

463
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:05,817
[inaudible]

464
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:06,818
Stop.

465
00:17:06,902 --> 00:17:07,652
Come on, man.

466
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,112
Give me the cash-- faster!

467
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,238
OK, OK, don't shoot.

468
00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:11,406
Don't shoot.

469
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,408
Don't move, fatso.

470
00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:14,326
You do not want
to mess with me

471
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:17,496
when I am buying salty snacks.

472
00:17:17,579 --> 00:17:20,123
Those ravers have robbed
this store six times,

473
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,125
and you're the first
person who's stopped him.

474
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,170
But didn't Rad Cunningham
bust them last time?

475
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,171
Rad Cunningham?

476
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:27,339
Oh, that jerk?

477
00:17:27,422 --> 00:17:29,508
His story was a crock of stew.

478
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,176
Here's what really happened.

479
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,512
Rad comes into the store,
and the kids a fighting him.

480
00:17:33,595 --> 00:17:35,180
And they knock him down.

481
00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,015
Ouch, Friday night.

482
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,351
Time to watch "CrimeZappers"
with the old gang.

483
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,394
Dazzle, I'm glad you're back.

484
00:17:41,478 --> 00:17:42,771
[stutters]

485
00:17:42,854 --> 00:17:44,523
Let's skip
"CrimeZappers" tonight.

486
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:45,941
Let's play a board game instead.

487
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:47,067
[nervous laugh]

488
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:47,567
Uh, "Berry-Chomping Rhinos"?

489
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:50,028
Sit down!

490
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:53,949
A special edition
of "CrimeZappers."

491
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,368
Last week, we brought
you the heroic story

492
00:17:56,451 --> 00:17:58,537
of Officer Rad Cunningham.

493
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:03,416
But now it appears we've
been had by a cunning scam.

494
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,545
What actually happened that
day in the liquor store, Rad?

495
00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:08,171
Exactly what I told you.

496
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,798
You saw my reenactment.

497
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:10,674
Why would I lie?

498
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,384
Uh, guys, pick your pieces.

499
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,636
These rhinos are some
very hungry dudes.

500
00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:16,680
CROWD: Shh.

501
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,223
Shut up!

502
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:19,558
What would you say if
we had security camera

503
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,059
footage from the incident?

504
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:24,563
I'd say-- (CRYING) I lied!

505
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,940
I tried to stop the punks.

506
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,359
But I got scared,
and I ran away.

507
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:31,278
And I tripped on the
rack of sunglasses.

508
00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:34,573
And all the
sunglasses fell on me.

509
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:39,077
And I got up and ran into the
street, but I couldn't see.

510
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,330
So I fell down an open manhole!

511
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:43,707
How is there footage
of this part?

512
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:45,000
Sewer Cam.

513
00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:47,127
I tried to climb
out of the sewer.

514
00:18:47,210 --> 00:18:49,421
But there was so
much poop in there.

515
00:18:49,504 --> 00:18:54,551
And I was so scared,
I pooped in the poop.

516
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,261
And I couldn't tell
which poop was mine

517
00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:59,764
and which poop was
already in there.

518
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,309
And I thought, well, there's
not really a difference.

519
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:03,768
And some of it got in my mouth!

520
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:07,230
And I kinda liked it!

521
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,774
I liked poop in my mouth!

522
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,735
What's wrong with me?

523
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,450
All right.

524
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:23,121
So I guess I will just pack
up the "Berry-Chomping Rhinos"

525
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:23,788
game myself.

526
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,123
I had fun.

527
00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,959
"CrimeZappers"
is truly sorry for

528
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,921
this debacle, so much so that
we're taking ourselves off

529
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:31,713
the air.

530
00:19:31,796 --> 00:19:34,049
This is our final show.

531
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,593
And Rad Cunningham shall
ever be known as the man

532
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,303
who killed this program.

533
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,556
In a final Harry-Carey-like
gesture of self-destruction,

534
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,142
we leave you with Dazzle
Novak's uncut opus,

535
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:47,979
all 258 minutes of graphic
nudity fully restored.

536
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,065
[moaning]

537
00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,066
Sweet.

538
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:52,567
[moaning]

539
00:19:52,651 --> 00:19:54,319
Well, Dazzle, you were right.

540
00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,904
This version is better.

541
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,869
Give it up for
the host with most--

542
00:20:02,953 --> 00:20:07,165
the original
CrimeZapper, Vex Mullery!

543
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:08,667
We'll miss you, Vex.

544
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,294
Carry on my legacy, children!

545
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,796
To the sky!

546
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,300
I did not authorize this rave!

547
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:22,222
I am feeling a very harsh
energy from you, Pizzaz.

548
00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:23,598
Give me hug, girl.

549
00:20:23,682 --> 00:20:24,891
What the hell
is wrong with her?

550
00:20:24,975 --> 00:20:29,020
Stay back or I will gouge
out those dilated eyes.

551
00:20:29,104 --> 00:20:31,189
Hey, Crystalis is just
candy flipping, man.

552
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,607
She's amping hard core.

553
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:34,317
But no worries,
it's a chill roll.

554
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,944
Hudson, quit trainspotting
and take the wheel.

555
00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,321
Got it, Mr. Novak.

556
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,240
My name's DJ Hudson.

557
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:42,117
Time to have some fun-son!

558
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,371
[dance music playing]

559
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,831
Ooh, I did it, I did it.

560
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,290
I kicked the poo guy.

561
00:20:49,374 --> 00:20:50,792
I kicked the poo guy.

562
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:53,336
[dance music playing]

563
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:59,134
Chirp.

564
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:01,469
Aye.