Dazzle, come in, Dazzle.
Can't talk, Chrysalis.
I'm spilling some filthy beats.
Why is the city sponsoring a children's rave?
If you want a child to rave safely,
you've got to let them rave early.
These kids can't tell the difference between kids'
ecstasy and real ecstasy.
But they're clearly labeled.
This just seems like a breeding ground for
juvenile addicts and criminals.
Take a chill pill, Chrysalis.
And I have 40 varieties of chill pill.
Children, put your binkies in your mouth,
'cause the beats about to drop!
[bass beats]
[theme music]
Hey, kid.
Stop it.
Na-na-na-na-na!
You can't shoot me.
I'm underage.
Dazzle, come in.
Bike theft in progress in the southwest alley.
Put your clammy hands together for Moonbeam
City's top sky dancer, Odyssey.
DAZZLE (VOICEOVER): Cool rave, chill buzz, dirty beats.
The only thing that could ruin this vibe
is if I start questioning it.
Uh-oh, I just questioned it.
What if I had a panic attack right now?
That could happen.
OK, just breathe.
Relax.
Oh, God.
I need some air!
Society made me this way.
I'm the product of a broken fa--
[crashes]
I'm not high. I swear.
Please don't call the cops.
Arrest him, Dazzle.
[exhales loudly]
You're under arrest for 13 counts of whatever you did.
Mamma Mia, that's some spicy justice.
Welcome to "CrimeZappers."
I'm retired Police Sergeant Vex Mullery.
Join me as I go waist deep into the seedy underbelly
of crime in Moonbeam City.
Shut your damn mouth.
Vex Mulleryis talking.
It's every family's worst nightmare--
getting murdered.
But here is the story of one family
pooch that would be dog gone to see her masters
stabbed to death.
July 17th, 10:30 PM--
the Peterson family doesn't know it,
but a desperate stranger lurks.
[glass breaks]
[music playing]
Luckily, the family mutt, Shasta, has a bone to pick
with this bone-headed killer.
Ah!
In the end, the dogged tenacity of this mangy bitch
saved the day.
[music playing]
We could learn a lot from Shasta.
You're dog gone right.
We could. [gasps]
Vex Mullery?
"CrimeZappers" is my favorite show.
Did you ever get my fan letters or the death threats
after you didn't respond to my fan letters?
Thank you, son.
But I'm not here for you.
I'm here for him.
[music playing]
Would you let us reenact the bust
of that bicycle-thieving punk for our program?
Oh, that was nothing.
We're all heroes when you think about it.
But yes, my answer is yes.
And yes, I will gladly serve as on-set technical consultant.
Yes.
Oh, you don't have to come at all.
No, I insist.
Just send a car for me.
I was involved in the arrest too.
Yeah, that's cute, legs, but it's Dazzle we want.
Must bring the memories of that day flooding back.
Bet it makes you feel like a star, instead of some jerk.
I'm just curious--
why are we not opening with a helicopter shot?
Are you kidding me?
Our entire budget is $400.
I'll tell you what-- let's just try one.
OK and zaption.
Freeze, punk.
You're under arrest.
And cut!
Great job, crew.
Once again, we nailed that reenactment
perfectly on the first take.
Let's take a group photo, and I'll go home.
Hey, Dazzle, nice to meet you.
My name's Matt.
Ah, it was a real rush to play you, pal.
Holy gosh, we're like a couple of twins here.
Ahh!
My average looks!
You will rue the day you thought you could play me,
Dazzle Novak.
I'm going to have to reshoot this myself.
So, why should the police department
finance your narcissistic vanity project?
Think of the kids.
Will they learn anything from another cheap
"CrimeZappers" reenactment?
But, the mythic struggle between darkness and light
as rendered through Dazzle Novak's epic vision?
That kind of thing could change lives.
Side note-- I think we can make a dick-load of cash
merchandising this thing.
I mocked up these action figures in my workshop last night.
See? See?
It's fun.
Hmm, well, juvenile delinquency
has been on the rise every year since those damned mandatory
children's raves began.
You got yourself a go picture, but if you screw this up,
you'll work in this town again in a worse job.
[suspenseful music playing]
Get out!
And may your ugly bloodline die with you.
Who's next?
Says here Brunk Whitmore?
Hello, I'm uh, Brunk Whitmore for the role of Dazzle.
OK, Brunk, where else have you acted?
Ah, you know, theater, plays you haven't seen.
Uh, uh, Shakespeare and the like.
Oh, Shakespeare.
What roles specifically?
Well, you know, the knight who grips the sword,
and the prince who eats poison, and the Duke.
Rad, we know it's you.
Ah, crap!
Rad Cunningham, the kid who doesn't wipe properly
at the slumber party of life.
Please let me be a part of "CrimeZappers."
I'm begging you.
Oh, Rad, if you wanted to be involved,
you should have just asked. - Can I be involved?
Nope.
Ah, crap!
What do I have to do to get on "CrimeZappers"--
zap an actual crime or something?
Yo, give me the cash-- faster.
No heroes.
Not getting involved with that.
[dark music]
Wait a second.
[heavy metal music playing]
[crashes]
[moans]
OK, cut all the acting that is happening
for a moment and the machines from recording
anything here now.
Damn it.
We injured another Dazzle.
New Dazzle to set.
Dazzle, for God's sakes!
We've got to wrap soon.
This crew is on quintuple platinum overtime.
But it's worth every penny to capture
Odyssey's scene-stealing performance as Chrysalis.
Thanks, Dazzle.
You know what I love about my character
is she is a total bad-ass.
She's me?
Dazzle!
I trust this production is swimming along swimmingly?
As you can see, we're staying on schedule.
And the crew is jazzed to be here.
What in God's name are you writing?
It's a camera rig I designed--
Novak Cam.
It allows me to shoot all the action
from a constantly circling and blurry point of view.
Patent pending.
MAN: And cue pyro.
[explosion]
Uh-oh, this kid is only 12, and he's been
working for 26 hours straight.
And he's hurt real bad.
I want someone to get this dead child off my
set immediately.
Thank you. Big smiles everyone.
Why aren't we shooting?
That's it, Dazzle. I'm done.
You can find someone else to follow you into the depths
of hell, because I won't.
I should have known this was all just
a very expensive way for you to stare
at your own dick in the mirror.
You're finished.
No one tells Dazzle when to finish,
except that thick-calved woman Dazzle Novak
sometimes hires to do that.
I'm finishing this reenactment without your help.
Ha!
Good luck finding anyone stupid enough to give you the money.
They call me Mr. Stupid Enough.
[dance music playing]
Hey!
Dazzle Novak!
Me very good friend!
Ah, yes, Zephyr Agamemnonian.
Shall we do the customary double kiss of friendship?
Oh, and allow me to give you the five
gentle pecks of chummy accord.
And, of course, the groin-knee of camaraderie.
Ho, ho, you've been practicing, Dazzle.
Come.
Dine with me.
Your vestibule is breathtaking.
The movie biz is treating you well.
Actually, no.
None of these movies made money.
I made my real fortune during the war.
It's true what they say--
"The time to buy is when there's blood in the streets."
So I just need $30 million.
Hmm.
I'd finance your production if maybe you shot in the desert
of Crackmoonistan.
It's very war torn but very beautiful.
You got it.
We'll shoot in Crackmoonistan.
So the money happens when?
Oh, and you know who should play the part of you, Dazzle?
My son-in-law, Hudson.
Hudson! Come!
Yeah, Dad.
Don't call me that.
You see?
He's tall like big glass of Clamato.
Hmm.
Well, I always imagined Dazzle as
not a distractingly giant type.
But this boy has strong back, calcified forehead, and bushy
beard just like a movie star.
OK, OK, OK, whatever.
You can be Dazzle.
OK!
You're a real director.
To art without compromise!
[machine gun] Ha!
Ha!
[machine gun]
Sorry it had to be this way.
Also, you should know I'm your father.
Daddy, forgive me stealing bike.
Keep going.
It's just locusts.
Should we chase after the set?
No.
The desert is now our set.
[music playing]
All right, Hudson.
When we cut the wheel loose, you run like hell.
Because it will crush you.
Why is it so big?
It's forced perspective.
It's going to look normal size on camera.
Now, crew, this goes without saying,
but please do not fight the rebels during the take.
I know you're in a violent struggle for your homeland,
but I need your hustle. OK?
Lights, camera, act-- ualize the events in the script.
[panting]
Ahh!
Ugh!
[groans]
Oh, no, money--
I mean, Zephyr.
I didn't mean to crush you.
No feelings of hardness, my friend.
Your reenactment is only work of value I ever produced.
Promise me two things.
[coughs]
You will finish this reenactment.
And you will bring Zephyr back to life.
Unless they discover a cure for crushed body,
I can only promise the first.
That's true.
There's blood in the streets.
Don't forget to buy.
[groans]
All right, let's clear this corpse and go right away.
Big smiles. Why aren't we shooting?
[gunshot]
Zephyr is dead!
The cruelest among us will now fill the power vacuum.
Stop shooting each other!
Save your ammo for the rebels.
[gunshots]
[indistinct yelling]
Heads up!
Novak Cam!
Oh!
[inaudible]
[music playing]
Dazzle, your back and your front are both so fat.
Ma'am, I need you to stay clear of Mr.
Novak's eye contact zone.
Attention.
Thank you.
We are seconds away from a television event
that will change everything.
But first, let's take a quiet moment
to mourn the 16 crew members and two editors
who died during our production.
May their ghosts haunt this reenactment but in a good way--
like, people watch it again to see
if they could see the ghosts.
And to their widows, I say, drop your frivolous lawsuit,
you vicious enemies of art!
[chatter] - The show's about to start.
The show's about to start. Shh.
Come on, quiet down right now.
Bicycle thieves-- they always appear glamorous in the movies.
But gear up for a wheely exciting story of one thief
who couldn't handlebar the tire pressure on Moonbeam City
Heat "Spokes."
What price, justice, yes.
Struck down a thief, but what does it mean to thieve.
To understand, we must travel back to the origins of man.
We're going into flashback.
Everybody put your 3D glasses on.
OK, we're back to the present, take them off.
OK, put them on.
OK, take them off.
All right, back to the present-- take them off.
OK, dream sequence. Dream sequence.
Off and on, off and on, off and on, off and on.
The nation of Crackmoonistan has much
to offer to the west in exchange for arms
to purge the rebel scum.
Ahh!
What the hell was that?
Uh, Dazzle, that was ambitious.
Well, they cut out all the full frontal nudity for TV.
Whatever.
The director's cut is the real version.
Whatever. It what it is.
Whatever.
I'm tired of talking about this.
The director's cut's better.
Next up-- the story of a heroic cop,
Rad Cunningham who zapped back the streets
in the name of justice when "CrimeZappers" returns.
Rad Cunningham on "CrimeZappers."
Oh, you heard right.
Reenacted and it feels so good.
Stick around, everyone.
I made my own segment of "CrimeZappers,"
and you'll see it after the break.
After the break.
it's time to watch my reenactment.
Rad, I think I speak for everyone when
I say we are reenacted out.
Sit down!
Sit down, asshole!
Sit down!
April 5th, 10:00 PM, these candy kids raid
a liquor store like it's a candy store,
but they have no idea what's in store for them.
[gun clicks]
Oh, yoo-hoo!
[music playing]
(RAPPING) Listen up, punk, let me tell you what's up.
You're going to eat crap, and that's what's up.
You may think that stealing is cool.
But it's [inaudible] Eat crap.
[applause] - Whoa.
Cool.
All right, that was great.
He sings too.
I produced the track myself.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually liked it.
Couldn't have done it without my producer de extraordinary.
Pizzazz, you produced this?
Why?
Rad stays under budget.
Rad does what he's told.
And Rad plays ball, kid.
Can't you tell the difference between Rad's slick-slacky
hackery and my real art?
More like real fart.
[laughter]
And he's funny too.
He's funny.
- Keep it single file, people. - Hi.
Thanks for coming out. What's your name?
- [inaudible] - Sure, I'll sign your dick.
[music playing]
[doorbell rings]
Long time no see, Cinnamon.
You saw me yesterday.
And my name's Chrysalis.
Right.
Want a beer?
I don't drink them.
I just like opening them.
I figured you'd go downhill at some point
but not quite this fast.
Why are you giving up on life?
To quote the poet, "What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up like a California raisin?
Or does it swell up until it goes explodo-kaboom?
You can't die of self-pity just because Rad is slightly
more appreciated this week.
Come back to work.
The force needs you.
I don't fight crime anymore.
I fight my shame with food--
mostly cheese.
[crash]
Are you sure that's not a size six,
because I'm definitely a seven.
It is a size seven.
Maybe it's labeled wrong?
Maybe you just have huge [bleep] feet, lady.
[door chime]
[chuckles]
Dazzle, is that you, old sport?
I've seen you on the TV.
Rad, you're a total bad-ass rockstar.
You're a bad-ass, babe.
Now how about you put some kicks on these famous feet?
This is a ladies' shoe store.
That doesn't matter.
I want you to put a pump on my foot.
You heard the hero.
Put a pump on his foot.
Oh, yeah.
Slip it on there good.
I can't.
Do it.
Put that lady's pump on my dirty, dirty foot.
[grunts]
Now I'm kicking you. [groans]
Ow!
Kicking you with my sensible pump.
[grunts]
How does that feel?
Oops.
Did it again.
I guess it wasn't an accident.
[grunts]
[inaudible]
Stop.
Come on, man.
Give me the cash-- faster!
OK, OK, don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
Don't move, fatso.
You do not want to mess with me
when I am buying salty snacks.
Those ravers have robbed this store six times,
and you're the first person who's stopped him.
But didn't Rad Cunningham bust them last time?
Rad Cunningham?
Oh, that jerk?
His story was a crock of stew.
Here's what really happened.
Rad comes into the store, and the kids a fighting him.
And they knock him down.
Ouch, Friday night.
Time to watch "CrimeZappers" with the old gang.
Dazzle, I'm glad you're back.
[stutters]
Let's skip "CrimeZappers" tonight.
Let's play a board game instead.
[nervous laugh]
Uh, "Berry-Chomping Rhinos"?
Sit down!
A special edition of "CrimeZappers."
Last week, we brought you the heroic story
of Officer Rad Cunningham.
But now it appears we've been had by a cunning scam.
What actually happened that day in the liquor store, Rad?
Exactly what I told you.
You saw my reenactment.
Why would I lie?
Uh, guys, pick your pieces.
These rhinos are some very hungry dudes.
CROWD: Shh.
Shut up!
What would you say if we had security camera
footage from the incident?
I'd say-- (CRYING) I lied!
I tried to stop the punks.
But I got scared, and I ran away.
And I tripped on the rack of sunglasses.
And all the sunglasses fell on me.
And I got up and ran into the street, but I couldn't see.
So I fell down an open manhole!
How is there footage of this part?
Sewer Cam.
I tried to climb out of the sewer.
But there was so much poop in there.
And I was so scared, I pooped in the poop.
And I couldn't tell which poop was mine
and which poop was already in there.
And I thought, well, there's not really a difference.
And some of it got in my mouth!
And I kinda liked it!
I liked poop in my mouth!
What's wrong with me?
All right.
So I guess I will just pack up the "Berry-Chomping Rhinos"
game myself.
I had fun.
"CrimeZappers" is truly sorry for
this debacle, so much so that we're taking ourselves off
the air.
This is our final show.
And Rad Cunningham shall ever be known as the man
who killed this program.
In a final Harry-Carey-like gesture of self-destruction,
we leave you with Dazzle Novak's uncut opus,
all 258 minutes of graphic nudity fully restored.
[moaning]
Sweet.
[moaning]
Well, Dazzle, you were right.
This version is better.
Give it up for the host with most--
the original CrimeZapper, Vex Mullery!
We'll miss you, Vex.
Carry on my legacy, children!
To the sky!
I did not authorize this rave!
I am feeling a very harsh energy from you, Pizzaz.
Give me hug, girl.
What the hell is wrong with her?
Stay back or I will gouge out those dilated eyes.
Hey, Crystalis is just candy flipping, man.
She's amping hard core.
But no worries, it's a chill roll.
Hudson, quit trainspotting and take the wheel.
Got it, Mr. Novak.
My name's DJ Hudson.
Time to have some fun-son!
[dance music playing]
Ooh, I did it, I did it.
I kicked the poo guy.
[dance music playing]
Chirp.
Aye.