[AUDIENCE SETTLES]
[DRUMROLL]
It's show time, folks
Put your hands together for the ugliest baby in America.
His jokes stink worse than his diapers.
He's one bad baby.
But don't spank him.
He might like it.
Here he is... MANBABY
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
Yeah!
I love this crowd!
Life y'know It's not fair.
Look at me.
I didn't even get to dress myself today,
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
The other day, I told my mom I wanted some breast milk.
She said she just wanted to be friends.
Life you know, it's just not fair, babies
We're always getting the bum rap.
All right, hold on.
(FART NOISE) Bathroom break!
(SINGING) This baby needs a change... Hey,
(APPLAUSE)
Hey! I was born yesterday.
Someone asked my wife what she likes in a guy like me, she said.
Depends!
(LAUGHTER)
Any ladies want to be My breast friend?
Take ya back to my crib.
We'll party into the wee wee hours.
(LAUGHTER)
(Singing) Cause everybody loves a baby babies make the world smile.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Waa waa waa, I want my Baba!
(DANSE MACABRE)
Goodnight your Holiness
(TOILET FLUSHES)
That was great...
Better out than in I always say,
but when you gotta drop a deuce, you got to drop a deuce.
You know what I'm saying, bro?
SAL: I do RAE: I didn't wash my hands.
I didn't wash my hands. Cool fish.
It's a goldfish.
But it's blue.
It's getting pretty late, guys.
All right, man, Sal man.
I love the baby.
I love it.
Funny. I mean, come on. This is.
This is great.
You really got something-I need to go to bed.
Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Goodnight.
I love that kid,
but I love you more.
I'm gonna go do the dishes.
Sal you don't have to.
No, you've got an early morning.
I want to.
(SINGING) Now
it’s been 10,000 years
man has cried a million tears
(SOUND OF PEEING)
In the year 2525
if man can survive
and woman is still alive
They may fall in love.
I hate that song.
Why? It's about like robots and time travel & the future and stuff.
C’mon that's stuff's pretty awesome.
What's wrong?
Just thinking, About your mom?
It's just when you come home
dressed in a diaper, I think she judges us.
Yeah. Probably.
Doesn't that bug you?
I mean,
I think Rae's really fun and interesting,
but she can be a bit much sometimes, you know?
Yeah.
She's like a kid. Exactly.
Exactly. And you and I are grown ups.
We're not really talking about Rae, are we?
No, we're not.
Sal do you remember how we met?
Of course I do.
You were the only person who laughed at my old jokes.
Remember that one about the doctor?
He told me I need to lose weight.
I said, I want a second opinion.
And he said, Get a haircut too.
(BOTH LAUGH)
My mom doesn't respect you, you know? I mean...
Yeah and I didn't go to college, and I'm a trust fund baby living on Baba's money.
No, your mom respects me.
She said I have a Marlon Brando quality.
No, she said you had a Stanley Kowalski quality.
Think maybe
a little canoodle will take your mind off things.
I'm fine Sal I’m just not in the mood
You ever think about seeing one of those therapists?
God, no.
I can't talk to a stranger about...
you know.
Well we can’t make a baby without you know.
I know.
Sal.
And you know I don't want a baby.
I know.
[HORNS HONKING]
[CHILD LAUGHING]
[LAUGHTER ]
[ MAJESTIC MUSIC]
I don't have time.
I need to focus on my career.
I just don't want
children.
[LAUGHTER ]
[HORNS HONKING ]
[HOWARD ENDOCRINETICS THEME MUSIC ]
Hormones hold the secret to life itself.
And I've always considered Howard Endocrinitics to be a family
business.
[LAB NOISES ]
Oh, dear.
I don't understand why the testosterone
won't fix I'm doing everything right.
Testosterone is a tricky thing.
We're going to have to bring in someone from the outside to help you.
Are you serious Mother?
You always do this.
I don't need help.
[SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
No, thank you. Thank you.
You've been great. Goodnight!
He was trying to teach this monkey how to play baseball.
It woulda worked man.
That thing with smart. You know, we should talk about doing a show.
It's a crazy idea.
Yeah? -Risky.
I could actually get fired pitching something like that to my bosses.
But in today's cable market, you got to take risks.
Wow. That’d like. Yeah.
When I was a kid I always wanted to be on the Jerry Langford show.
That's old school, Sal. Reality TV.
Well, Sal's got the cash to get started, don't ya?
Even though it's reality, though, you still need a strong story.
What a guy in a diaper telling jokes isn't good enough for you?
Aren't you going to get changed?
I am getting a little comfortable in these huggies.
I'll be right back.
Whoa.
She wants to turn the man baby into a TV show on
Are you ready for this?
The Comedy Channel. What?
Yeah. Anyway, call me back when you get a chance.
Love you. Bye.
You're welcome.
So now that you have your Comedy Channel show,
how about some guest stars?
[LAUGHTER]
And. What are you doing Sandy?
It's Circe now. -Okay.
I'm just trying to show you some awesome ideas for your new comedy channel show.
Yeah
We're friends. Let's just be friends.
Wow. Sal.
You really know how to play hard to get, huh?
Want to know what I really want to play?
What?
Pinball!
[GAMES NOISE]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Yes!
[CLOCK TICKING]
Sal’s always late.
I’m sure it’s nothing.
[DOOR OPENS]
Oh God. Hey. I’m sorry. I am so sorry.
Stuck in the traffic on the 73.
It's just.
Hey, hi, hey. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
So let's just
start by you guys telling me a little bit about why you're here.
Why don't we go
ladies first. Dana, do you want to start?
Oh, okay.
Um, so. I’m uh-
I think it's pretty clear why we're here.
I mean, I know why we're here. -You do?
Yeah. I think she knows why we're here.
I-
Well?
I don't want children.
And you?
I want gobs of children.
Mmm.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
So, basically, you disagree on having children,
and you should have never gotten married.
Is that it?
Yeah.
That doc's a quack.
Hypnotherapy.
Got to be kidding me.
You okay? No.
No.
[SOUND OF CITY BUS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CARS DRIVE BY]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Your mother tells me you're having a problem.
I'm Michael.
I'm Dana.
Hello.
You're acquainted, I assume, with my research
for testosterone study and
aromatase bonding?
You know, when I'm having problems with an experiment,
I like to get outside of it.
Go for a run.
Go to the gym.
Do you lift weights?
Oh, no.
You're probably afraid of bulking up.
That's a dangerous myth.
It won't happen.
Your female hormones won't allow it.
Hormones, Dana.
We're working
with hormones.
Ah ah ha. There. Much better.
[SAD SIGH]
I swear I've been feeding him.
He was just too beautiful for this world.
I've been dissecting this protein for my mom,
and I have to do it by Friday, or she's gonna freak out.
I might have
I might have gotten a little caught up in my work,
and I may have forgotten to feed it.
But I’m really sorry.
It?
He had a name, Dana.
And it was Asa junior.
Like my Baba!
I know. Okay.
It's my fault.
Look I-
I know why we got the fish, okay?
And I don't-
I don't like it.
I'm not playing games anymore.
Playing what game?
I want a divorce.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[SAD VIOLIN MUSIC]
[CRYING
Man!
That... that..
That is heavy, man.
I'll never even get to have a family.
Whatever, man. Bro.
I keep telling you, babies are overrated. I mean, sure,
they're fun to hold for a minute, but then they start pooping on everything.
They're pooping on you and pooping on the walls and the crying is the worst.
Why do you keep bringing this up?
Babies do not poop on walls
they poop in diapers.
We can talk about this till we're both old
and gray, Sal it's not gonna change.
I can't picture myself changing diapers
and playing peekaboo and patty cakes.
I'm not a Mommy!
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]
Show.
Show her.
[CARTOON PLAYS]
Sandy, I need your help.
What?
Dana and I are going to get divorced
unless I can show her how great it is to be a mom.
What?
I'm going to pretend like I've become a real baby
so that she has to take care of me.
She's going to realize she loves being a mommy.
I turn back into Sal. We start a family. Badabing!
[HEAVY SIGH]
This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.
I'm offended that you would even ask me to do something this stupid.
I'll give you ten grand.
Five now. Five more when we're done.
My door is open.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Hey. The door was open.
I need your help.
Sal...
The idea is crazy, but I think it's going to work.
She's going to leave me, Sandy.
Can't let that happen. - Please.
Listen.
You've always...
[INHALING]
[COUGHING]
Please.
I want to be called Circe now.
Respect my wishes, Sal.
Fine.
Circe, I love her.
Sal, did you ever think that maybe she just married you because of your money?
What?
That's a terrible thing to say.
Of course. She loves me.
I know that you can do this.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[JAZZ MUSIC]
Baba's Bean & Berry Butter Cream Bonanza!
Thanks for letting me cook for you tonight. I really like doing it.
Yeah, well, we should probably get to it.
I mean, I don't want to go to court or anything, so let's just...
You know when I was cooking tonight.
Really got me thinking about Baba.
He had a lot of crazy girlfriends.
You probably knew that.
He had
this one crazy girlfriend who was crazier than all of them.
See, she had this nasty habit of cutting things off whenever she caught
cheating on her.
Which was a lot.
Anyway, first time she cut off his beard.
But, you know, beards grow back.
And the second time, she cut off his arms.
Is this a joke?
I probably should've mentioned that this chick’s, a witch...
Yeah it’s kind of important to the story.
So she made this potion that grew his arms back,
and then he cheated on her again and she cut off his balls.
I mean, not not really.
It was a potion again.
And it made him impotent forever.
And then, you know, the rest of the story.
He invested in birth control.
He spent the rest of his life trying to get his balls back on unsuccessfully.
And in conclusion, he died
sad and alone.
So...
you sure you want a divorce?
It's really over.
Okay.
Really?
It's not that I don't love
you Sal.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not sorry.
You know the whole story about Baba
part of the reason why I told that was
well, you remember my old girlfriend, Sandy?
Well, she goes by Circe now.
The reason why I bring her up is that she's also a witch,
and she brewed me a love potion.
A love potion?
Thing about magic is it's awful tricky.
What is that?
It's not like you just drink this potion and bang
you're in love with me.
This is a potion that I drink.
If this is your way of trying to prove something.
This is not the way to do it. Ok?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Sal don't-This isn't poison.
It's magic.
-Sal!
Sal?
What was in that?
Magic.
Sal! What are you doing? Sal?
Stop it!
[CRYING]
Cut it out Sal.
[CRYING]
Seriously. Cut it out.
You are going to wake the neighbors!
Snap out of it!
Okay! Snap out of it!
[CRYING]
Ok. I get it.
[CRYING]
It's so sad!
But crying is not going to solve
anything
so we're going to talk like adults ok?
[CRYING]
Fine!
[CRYING]
What did you give my husband, Sandy?
I assume you're referring to the love potion I gave your husband.
It reveals a person's true nature when taken.
True nature?
He's acting super weird now.
He's acting like a real baby.
[BABY TALK]
Oh, yes.
Yes. Look at the keys.
C’mon. Yes.
So what did you give him?
Oh. Yeah.
It's a magic potion.
It reveals true nature... his inner being,
and it looks like Sal's true nature is a... baby.
(Laughing) Isn't that awesome?
Are you laughing? I mean, he's retarded because of you.
That's a very harsh word, Dana.
He's not impaired.
He's just.
He's just a baby.
[LOUD CRYING]
Oh again?
I'm sorry, Sal.
I'm sorry.
You were having fun with these.
You have to keep babies occupied.
He's not a baby.
He's a...
[SNIFFING]
Did he just poop his pants???
[BABY GIGGLE]
No no no. tub first than pants
[BABY SOUNDS]
C’mon Sal are you kidding me?
Oh God!
Well, you're going to need to give him a diaper.
He already has one.
He does?
For his act.
No, no. You need a real one. Like.
Like Depends for old people.
So when does this spell wear off?
It's not a spell.
And I don't know, really.
I mean, I guess it makes sense
that his act is a baby and that would be his true nature.
Circe please. I'm a scientist.
You know, speaking of which, I got to go to work.
You should let me watch him.
I watch my kid sisters all the time.
He's not a child, though.
He's a grown man who is having a psychotic episode.
Well, either way, you need someone to stay here with him.
I'll work for minimum wage.
Okay, fine. But don't smoke in the house, okay?
Okay.
Can I use your computer?
Yeah, but don't Google anything weird.
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
Witchcraft
to the ignorant.
Simple science.
To the learned.
Testosterone.
Fixed.
I know. I know.
Sorry I'm late.
So nice of you to join us, Dr. Howard
II had a difficult morning.
Everything okay?
I just.
I just need to get to work.
[BABY SOUNDS]
So no change?
[BABY SOUNDS]
You know Sal never had a mother growing up.
I mean, he had his Baba
and his Baba's girlfriends, but.
Sorry. You probably know all the stories.
Wait-ah-don’t do that. Sal!
You're going to have to get him some real toys. Keep him occupied.
He doesn't need toys.
This is clearly something psychological.
[BABY TALK]
We're getting a divorce.
Did he tell you that?
He might have mentioned something?
[BABY WHINE]
Has he eaten?
No.
I don't know.
If I know, Sal.
That is a hungry whine.
[SNORTING]
[SPITTING]
He doesn't like it, Dana.
Here.
Babies don't eat donuts.
Fine.
Thank you for watching him, though.
Stop!
It's funny.
I was always trying to get him to eat healthier.
And now he's got no choice.
I don't know. I mean, maybe I should take him to the doctor or back to the therapist.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It's a hard to reconcile Western science with shamanism.
Classical shamanism supports the idea that there is one world in which
we live our daily lives and an entirely different
one underneath the surface.
Could you just please bring me whatever was in
that bottle?
[SPITTING]
[BOUNCY MUSIC]
Look at those buns.
Mom!
Is it Sal's fault, as usual?
What?
Now, does he have some health issue?
You didn't tell me about?
Mother I have no idea what you're talking about.
You know very well what I'm talking about.
No, I don't. Mom.
Please Doctor Howard in the office.
Dr. Howard, I want to know what the plan is...
Are you going to procreate with the comic or not?
You don't have to.
Say it like that.
Quite honestly,
Sal and I have been having some problems.
Oh?
Yeah.
If your pop's was alive.
I just wish your father was still here.
That's all I do too.
-I do too.
He wouldn't have approved of Sal.
No, he wouldn't have.
Mom. Okay, Um.
The fact is, Sal and I
are getting a divorce.
You are?
Mom!
Dana.
Michael over there talks
about you constantly.
Now, don't blow
this Baby.
[TRIUMPHANT THEME PLAYS]
What did you do?
God, it looks like a nightmare in here.
What were you thinking?
This isn't a game.
That's really harsh, Dana.
Look how happy he is.
Where did you even get all of this?
I made it, you know.
I mean, some of it I ordered online.
[SPITTING]
[BABY WHINING]
Oh Sal.
You know, you're a good mommy.
[BABY WHINE]
He is not a baby!
Okay. He is a grown man
who is clearly having a psychotic break with reality.
You are just confusing him!
[BABY WHINES]
Sal...
why don't you just go to sleep, okay?
You'll feel better
in the morning.
[BIG SIGH]
["PRETTY BABY" PLAYS]
[BABY TALK]
You know he might start acting like a grown up
if you start treating him like one.
No coffee?
[BABY TALK]
No more bonnets okay?
I'll be back later.
You know, you're
a good mommy.
[BABY TALK]
I'll be back at 5:30.
So your whole family are scientists?
Well, my pops started this lab for the government during the Cold War.
Fascinating.
Really?
You must have wonderful genes.
I don't know. Maybe.
Well.
We have a heck of a day ahead of us,
so I'd like to get started.
[SOUNDS OF PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHING]
You wanna try?
Come on, come on, come on,
come on.
Peekaboo.
Okay.
Little bit more enthusiasm.
Peekaboo.
[BABY LAUGHTER]
Okay!!!
[BABY LAUGHTER]
One more time.
Peekaboo!
[BABY LAUGHTER]
That is good.
Peekaboo!
[BABY LAUGHTER]
That scared me!
[BABY LAUGHTER]
Peekaboo.
[BABY LAUGHTER]
Peekaboo.
[BABY LAUGHTER]
Peekaboo.
[BABY LAUGHTER]
[ROCK-A-BYE BABY PLAYS]
I'll see you at 5:30.
I love you.
It's working.
So how long do we have to do this?
Um, just like a week maybe. It's working.
I just want Dana to realize that
she's going to be a great mom. Okay?
Like I said, Sandy, like another week.
That's it.
Where are you going?
To the can.
Babies go in their diapers.
Seriously?
And my name is Circe.
Dana gets it right. Every. Time.
This is so messed up.
I don't even know why I'm helping you anymore.
Because everybody loves a baby.
He's starting to blow raspberries now.
Raspberries?
Yeah, like...
[BLOWS]
And he loves it when you do this [KISS NOISES]
So cute.
Yeah.
[SNORING]
Dana, there's something I want to talk to you about
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Michael?
I know this is terribly intrusive of me,
but I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d-
Waah! Waah!
What's that noise?
Um Sal and I are babysitting for a friend.
Of course.
Waaah!
I think that's that's why I'm so distracted lately.
I don't want to be offensive, but that baby sounds, well,
downright demented.
Who is that guy?
I don't know.
Um. you should probably go.
You want me to go because of the way you feel about me, right?
I don't know.
Hmm. Mm
hmm. Hmm hmm.
Mmm. Mmm mmm.
Oh.
You need to go!
You're weird Dana!
I'm going to figure you out.
So who was that?
He's just this guy from work.
I guess he likes me.
Wow.
I should go to bed.
[CRICKETS]
Hi.
Good night.
-Good night.
What are you doing?
Oh, God, I'm sorry. - No, it's okay.
I totally understand
It’s just that I-
I really need to talk to you.
Um.
I love Sal.
He's an awesome guy, but
I kind of got in this for the money.
What money?
The money I'm giving you to babysit?
Oh no. I feel like we've really bonded.
God, I feel like that, too.
I mean,
yeah, I know that you were the one that technically gave him the potion, but-
No no no there's no potion... it's all a farce.
It's all a farce.
There's no magic potion,
no mental breakdown.
He's showing you what it's like to be a mommy.
And hoping that you'd love it and change your mind
about everything.
I'm sorry.
Hmmph!
Oh is baby having trouble sleeping? Oh.
Oh, baby.
Doesn't look so well.
I think baby needs
his temperature taken.
Now this may hurt a little bit.
We should probably leave it
in for a few hours... No?
I was just
[PAINED GROANS]
I know what will
make that feel better
Stop!
Ow! Dana that really hurt!
You're acting?
No. I mean, you were enjoying this.
I was just trying to-
You stay out of it!
I want you out of this house
tonight.
[CRICKETS]
[BIG CRYING]
Here comes the airplane...
vroom... vroom..
C’mon buddy. It needs a place to land.
You know Sal you’re not going to be the funny fat guy if you keep this up.
I don't wanna be funny anymore.
All right. All right.
That's cool, man.
Hey, man, you stay here as long as you want, all right?
Okay.
You know what they say. Me casa you casa right?
I got a great idea.
YouTube videos, man.
Looka this
This is going to cheer you up like you won't even believe.
Look, there's this one's really funny.
Cat in a sink...
Oh, and then there's a new cat in a box.
That was really, really funny.
Oh, these are so funny.
Oh, watch this one. This cat knocking things off dresser.
That's a really good one.
Oh, and then there's this one right here where you won't even believe this is crazy.
This cat he’s chasing this dog around and...
[CAT NOISE ]
Where you going?
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC]
I have a confession to make.
Yeah?
It was your mother who told me to
keep working my charms on you.
Right.
After that night we kissed, I thought all hope was lost.
I know what your mother's thinks, but
what do you think?
I think I-
I love your muscles.
Would you like to see them
dance?
[GIGGLES]
[LAUGHTER]
[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYS]
You know, the ancient Greeks believed a large
penis was grotesque and comical.
Their ideal was a small but
beautiful penis.
Not true.
Why would I lie?
Ooh!
[LAUGHTER]
[CATCALLING]
[GROWLING]
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Yes! Yes!
[GRUNTING]
You remind me of something.
I just don't know what.
[SAD MUSIC]
[RAIN]
[SAD MUSIC CONTINUES]
Uhhhh
Do you have the results for 305?
Oh. Not yet.
I'm just working on something else.
Listen, I, uh.
I respect that you wanna take things slow.
Thanks.
Um. You know, I've actually been thinking a lot about Sal lately.
You have?
Um..
Actually, I think we should just keep things casual.
Okay?
Sure.
I-uh-
Yeah.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CRICKETS]
[SAD SITAR PLAYS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[THUNDER]
[SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS]
What do we have here?
I know this guy. He's in the freak show.
Tell me a joke!
What you drinkin', Tubby?
[LAUGHTER]
It's a 2008 Krug.
Very dry. Ooh.
Night night!
[LAUGHTER]
Get a haircut!
[GROANING]
This is the worst production of Grease
I've ever seen.
How are things going on the 305 test?
Michael said you had some secret project.
I know you don't keep secrets from me.
It's not a secret.
It's just an experiment.
It's just highly unethical.
Unethical?
I don't believe that for a second.
Listen, Mother, I know Michael
He's very smart, but I'm not interested in a relationship right now.
You jumped right into the whole marriage thing with the manbaby.
Look, I need to concentrate on my work, okay?
And Michael is a part of that, isn't he?
Of course.
Well, I need to go.
I love you.
I expect your report tomorrow morning.
Don't be late.
[DOOR CREAKS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I didn't know where else to go.
They were wearing leather jackets.
Maybe the hospital.
I’ve had too much to drink.
I can tell.
I don’t think you're too bad.
Do you feel dizzy? - No.
It's kind of funny. I was actually just thinking about you.
Oh yeah? Ouch!
Don't be such a-
Maybe you should go.
Okay.
Wait. Sal
[THUNDER]
you're an amazing guy.
I never told you that enough.
I want you back. Sal
Oh, yeah?
But. But not...
not as my husband.
Oh, no?
-Aren't you precious all powdered?
Gaga.
Now we're all diapered up
And I'm going to get your bottle.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
I don't know, Dana.
You really think this is sexy?
Babies Don't talk Sal. -That's right.
Goo goo Gaa gaa
waa waa waa.
Is there something wrong with me?
Of course not.
No, I think I think there's there's something wrong with me.
Don't say that.
Come on.
We're just tryin a little slap and tickle.
You know?
Y’know I'm still mad at you.
And that's okay.
If you want to pinch the pot whatever gets you off baby.
Gah! Don't call me that!
What? I-
Okay, listen, Dana, I just.
Now I thought maybe... Y’know it's time, for your bottle.
Your baby was for entertainment, Sal, mine's going to be science.
[ORGAN DANSE MACABRE PLAYS]
[GULPING]
Hey, I thought you were really mad at me.
What's up?
I'm not mad at you.
In fact, I need your help.
You're the only person I trust.
[CREEPY BABY NOISES]
Oh. Wow
Someone needs his diaper changed
And look, it's your old babysitter.
She's come here to play with you.
What's going on?
It's what we both wanted.
All three of us.
Okay, Sal-You know, I've been working on this,
you know, speculative, hypothetical serum.
And I didn't think it would work
But it did.
It did!
And now he's a baby!
I don't know what you're talking about, but I think it's against the law.
Like against the real law of nature.
But we prefer this.
You're telling me that he wants this?
He asked for it.
[ORGAN DANSE MACABRE PLAYS]
Let’s go talk in the living room.
[MOBILE MUSIC PLAYS]
So is it permanent?
Well, you know, hormones are a tricky thing.
If he stops taking the serum in the bottle, then eventually
his hormones will even out.
I mean, I don't know much about science, but that doesn't sound safe.
There's some risk. Yes.
But, you know, there's risk in smoking pot,
having sex or driving on the freeway.
I'm sorry, Dana.
I just.
I don't think I can be down with this.
I don't want to sound too mercenary here or anything, but
we do have Sal's trust fund.
Wow.
And he wants that.
He wants this, right?
Yes. Yeah. This is how he wants to live his life.
Okay.
But what do you want from me in all this?
I don't know. I-
I just felt like we were-
Family?
[FANTASIA ON A THEME PLAYS]
[FANTASIA ON A THEME ENDS]
Good night, my baby.
Goodnight my other baby.
[BABY SNORES]
Goodnight Sal.
Michael?
Yes. Yes.
Gotta go.
[RADIO PLAYS]
[CRICKETS]
[SNORING
Hey Sal...
[TAPPING ON WINDOW]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[TAPPING ON WINDOW]
Hey Dana.
Rae what’s up? -Hey
Um. So hey have you like...
Have you seen Sal lately?
No. No why?
Oh, really?
Well, I think he's.
He's, like, missing or something.
He won't return my phone calls or anything, which is weird, you know?
And I was just wondering if you knew anything, That's all.
No, I don't.
Sorry. -Huh.
What about Sandy or, you know, Circe or.
You know, you know.
I mean, you seen her right? -No no, sorry.
I mean. He's supposed to be staying with me, right?
You know, we're bros you know?
I mean, you know, he's my family now, you know?
And and, you know, then he was all like, I don't want to bother you.
And I was like, hey, man, it's no bother, you know, because, you know, I live
Alone.
You know, by myself, you know, all alone.
Well, I haven't seen him so...
You know, can I? Can I?
Can I come in?
I gotta drop a deuce.
Oh, I, I actually have guests right now that's not such a good idea.
Okay. All right, I get it.
You don't want some strange chick pooping in your bathroom.
I get it. Oh, man.
This one time, I let this guy come and use my bathroom right?
And he didn't even have to go, right?
I mean, he.
He just wanted to come in and steal... Oh yeah you you need to go.
I'm sorry. -Okay. Okay.
But I will let you know if I hear anything.
I will call you.
You call me? - I will call you. Okay.
Right, right on. You call me. All right.
So if you hear from Sal, you'll call.
Totally Great great I will call you.
And if you hear from Sandy, you know, just call me.
Sounds Good. Okay. Okay.
And, you know, even if you're bored and you want to hang out, just give me a call.
You know, I'm not doing nothing. - Okay okay thanks.
Call me any time. -Okay.
Just call.
All right.
All right. Nice talking to you.
Goodnight! call me?
Is she still here?
She's leaving.
I think she's just worried about Sal.
You should just tell her.
We should. We should leave town.
What?
This is a small town.
She should leave the country. -With Sal?
[SNORING]
We could go to Mexico. Or-isn't that what people in this situation do?
We're outlaws.
Wait Dana... what do you mean, outlaws?
Oh, I guess I just mean that people won't understand.
You know?
No but why outlaws?
You said that Sal wanted this. So
why don't we just sober him up long enough to get him on a plane?
Yeah, um we can't do that.
Why not?
Okay, um
Circe the truth is that um
Sal didn't.
He didn't exact exactly ask to be changed.
I mean, in so many words.
In so many words?
Did he
or didn't he ask?
No.
[SNORING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]
[SNORING]
[CREEPY BABY CRIES]
Surprise!
Hey, hey stranger.
Where you been? -Mom!
You brought, Michael.
And Father Murphy.
You think she was using her maternity leave with the days she was
taking off lately.
[LAUGHING]
[CRYING]
Circe! We have company.
[CRYING]
I didn't think you'd mind.
It's been, what, two weeks since I've seen you?
[SCREAM CRYING]
Mother, not my mother.
Dana's Mother, you are beautiful.
Just like Dana.
[CRYING]
Now, what's going on with these boxes and toys?
We are.
There was a -The garage cleaning.
We?
Now you both live here?
Yeah. -No.
I mean. Yes.
I mean. Have a seat.
Sit down. Please.
What is that noise?
[CRYING]
I was. I was watching videos, and I must have left the computer on so
I will go handle this.
Are you sure? -Yep Let me handle it.
Go. Ok.
Stop.
[CRYING]
I know that voice.
That's no virus video.
I think you mean viral video Mother.
I can hear him.
That's Sal!
[BABY SCREAM CRYING]
What the hell is this?
If this is a bad time, Doctor We can visit later.
No, Father.
It's just her ex-husband.
Always playing jokes.
So where’s the girl?
What girl? -Your friend.
I don't know.
Look, I don't know if he's playing jokes or not, but
I don't get it.
I have a bottle of wine in the car.
Let's open it shall we?
Wine is proof God loves us.
[INTENSE MUSIC]
[WIND HOWLS]
[CREEPY BABY NOISES]
[SIGHS]
Ah Michael Carmichael
You are quite the charmer.
Not like the Joker.
Comic!
Covered in tattoos like Bradbury's illustrated man!
[POLITE LAUGHTER]
[PAINED BABY NOISES]
Shh. Shh.
Where is he?
We're at my place downtown.
Listen, I didn't feed Sal today.
What?
You lied to me, Dana.
You can't force him to be a baby.
He can't just go cold turkey.
Circe those are powerful hormones
If he just stops taking them.
There will be side effects!
[CRICKETS]
C’mon you little fool...
C’mon are you back?
She was such a great
performer.
Remember when you were in that performance of Grease in middle school
giving all those hand jobs?
I think you mean hand jives Dr. Howard
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Oh my god!
Ok Circe Cersei, whoever you are, drop him.
Sal you're coming home with me.
[SOUND OF TAPE RIPPED]
[SCREAMING WITH TAPED SHUT MOUTH]
[PAINED CRYING]
[SCI-FI SOUNDS]
Okay little buddy it’s okay.
[LOUD SCREAM]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[HEAVY BREATHING]
[GASPING]
Sorry, bro.
[LOUD BABY CRYING]
We'll get this all figured out soon.
[LOUD BABY CRYING]
I think you should all go.
Go? Just like that?
[GASP]
[BABY GROANS]
Oh, my God.
Found him.
You know, I figured you were looking for him, too, so I brought him home.
What are you talking about?
We're divorced.
Why would you bring him here?
Oh, well, I guess we'll just have to let him tell you then, huh?
No, I don't think that's such a good idea.
Why not Dana?
Why is that young man gagged?
Baby, what's the meaning of all this?
Don't call me, baby.
Dana what is that smell?
[BABY WHIMPERS]
He went to the bathroom.
Who?
The overgrown larvae in the diaper?
This is preposterous, Dana.
Why are you entertaining these freaks?
I'm calling the police. -No. Mom!
Oh, no.
[MAN GROANING]
[TAPE RIPS]
Arrrr...
-Wait!
Ohhhh. Ohhh.
Man Dana?
We have to get
[MAN GROANING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
...we'll take my car.
[INTENSE CHASE MUSIC PLAYS]
I mean. I was just trying to take him home.
I know. I know.
I can't believe
that man went
to the bathroom
in that diaper.
[INTENSE CHASE MUSIC PLAYS]
I feel sick.
Don't look at me man.
It's not my poo.
Why don’t you help me out? Give me something.
Don’t you have something to wear in here?
I don't know
check the floor.
[INTENSE CHASE MUSIC PLAYS]
Sandy, you gotta help me.
Wahh!
[SCREAMING WITH TAPED MOUTH]
Sal...
Dana, you stay back with that thing.
You just need to take a little drink of the formula.
And you'll be good as new.
You have a lot of powerful hormones, and you're not thinking straight.
You're not thinking straight.
Look, I love you, Dana, but I'll do it.
Dana?!?
Me? Your darling?
The light of your life.
Your one true love.
[CHOKING NOISE]
She's high on ludes.
Dana.
[GAGGING]
[PUKING NOISE]
[GASPING]
All right.
Who needs a ride home?
[AMBULANCE SIREN]
[HOSPITAL SOUNDS]
Excuse me.
Are you her husband?
Um. Sort of.
I mean, like I was, and now I'm not.
There's paperwork and stuff.
I think she'll be fine
as long as she stops playing with whatever drugs you kids are playing with.
She can't do that anymore.
She's pregnant.
Pregnant?
Pregnant.
Sorry, you have to hear it this way, but it's why she's been feeling sick.
[CHURCH BELLS]
[PARTY CONVERSATION]
I now pronounce you
husband
and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[APPLAUSE]
[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[FUN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
[FANTASIA ON A THEME BEGINS]
[HAPPY SCREAMING]
[FANTASIA ON A THEME PLAYS]
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[FANTASIA ON A THEME CONTINUES]
[SOUND OF GENTLE RIVER]
[FUTURISTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[COUGHING]
You have to wear your gloves,
Grandma.
Hey it’s MANBABY
Hey let me tell you it’s tough out there.
It's tough I say... try getting a job dressed like this!
Hey try getting a girlfriend!
Hiii ooh!
I want my baba! Waa!
Do you remember him?
-I want my baba waa!
No.
-I want my baba waa!
[QUIET RIVER SOUNDS]
[BIRDS CHIRP]
[MAN GROANS]
[SOLO DANSE MACABRE PLAYS]
I really appreciate you doing this
I have my own life now y’know.
I got kids I got work, and this is just such a long
drive out here.
She has good days
and she has bad days.
What about my baba?
You remember that guy?
No.
[QUIET RIVER SOUNDS]
[BIRDS CHIRP]
[QUIET FOREST SOUNDS]
I remember the women who built this house.
Oh, we used to laugh
but we didn't laugh like
laugh.
[QUIET FOREST NIGHT SOUNDS]
[QUIET FOREST SOUNDS]
[CRINKLE SOUNDS]
[ZIPPER SOUND]
It's a farce...
[MODERN PRETTY BABY PLAYS]