Hello, friends.
Sweet zombie Jesus. It's Sketchy and Skeezy.
[man] Previously on Z Nation...
-You want to be immortal? -It's him.
Well, Murphy here has got to bite you.
[man] These visions that you're having, don't ignore them.
The unconscious is a very powerful thing.
[gun blast]
[Warren] Black Rainbow is real.
[man] Warren?
-Doc? -[woman] See anybody?
[man] Murphy? I can't see anything.
[people coughing]
Do you see anyone?
No.
This is FUBAR. This damn foam is choking me out.
[body thuds]
Thanks, cover boy.
We have to find Warren.
Doc, Zs!
Damn if this foam wasn't bad enough. Now puppies and kittens.
We're surrounded Murphy. Got to fight it out!
-[growling] -Let's rock and roll.
They just keep coming.
-Then keep killin'. -What do you think I'm doing?
Doc, behind you!
Hey, Doc. Look over there!
-Civilization, c'mon! -Whoa!
-[man 1] Let us in! -[man 2] Open up!
[men] Pull!
[coughing]
What the--
Sketchy?
Skeezy?
What's up, Doc? Perfect timing.
Hey, you boys want a shave and a haircut?
[makes chicken sound] Hey, fellas. Long time no see.
A shave?
Well don't mind if I-- Wait a minute. Your beard's all...
It's avant-garde.
[Doc] No no, no, no. Thanks for the offer.
No, we can't. We got to find Warren.
In this storm? You got to be kidding me, Doc.
-No, no. It's no joke. She's-- -She's a fine woman.
-Can take care of herself. -[Sketchy] And me.
-Ain't that the truth. -That was entendre.
-Are you guys through? -You know, Warren's changed, a lot.
[Sketchy] Does she still have a pulse?
-Well, yeah. -Well, then she's my kinda gal.
-[Sketchy and Skeezy chuckle] -Excuse me, do I know you? Have we met?
Something about your face is crazy familiar.
[barber] Highly doubtful. But I've been told I have that kind of face.
[both] Crazy?
Familiar.
Weapons?
Oh, no, no. We got to boogie.
What is it you always say? Never get out of the boat.
Yeah, but I also always said, never go back out in the toxic shit.
-I wouldn't go out there. -Uh... Come on, Doc.
Take a load off. You know, he...
he lathers with Kiehl's.
That's it. I'm in. Where do you want them?
-Weapons. -In there?
[Doc] Take your own advice, Murphy. We got to find the Warren and the others.
Warren's probably hunkered down somewhere waiting for the storm to blow over.
Have any idea how long that's gonna take?
You can't predict the weather.
Nuclear fallout, years of chemicals,
millions of bodies off-gassing in Lake Michigan.
Then boom! Zombie frappé.
Any more searching, you're bound to lose her or waste time back-tracking.
-So, you know. -Yeah. Come on, Doc. Live a little.
This could be our last sliver of paradise.
You know, besides, Warren's indestructible-ish.
This here's just my walking stick.
And since your sign says walk-ins welcome,
I assume you don't mind if I just walk in with it?
Really?
You and I are getting off on the right foot.
[Murphy] Careful not to nick me now. I'm a bleeder.
Hang in there, chief.
Doc! [coughing]
Murphy!
10K!
Sarge!
[theme music]
Not too much off the top.
Get rid of the scruff and keep the beard. Capisce?
[barber] Not a problem.
Ahhhh.
[chuckles] I could die and go to heaven right now.
-[both] Don't say that. -What's that?
They said you wouldn't be the first.
Oh, daddy, I believe it.
Mm mm mm mm.
-You have steel wool for whiskers. -Maybe you're losing your edge.
I don't think so.
It's like searching for a needle in a haystack.
I just can't find the right memory to remind me.
But I feel so strongly about this. So your face must have relevance.
Relevance?
Yeah, for me to remember your face. It must've been important.
I mean, God knows I've forgotten a shit ton of faces.
Your mind is playing tricks, my friend.
Could be.
-Could be-- -Deja vu!
-Third eye. -Female intuition.
Well telekinesis, then.
-You mean telepathy. -Uh, no, I don't.
-Yes, you do. -No, I don't.
[all] You do.
Listen. Telekinesis is like bending spoons with your mind.
Telepathy is reading peoples' thoughts and emotions. Like a psychic.
[Doc] He's right. I did them both on peyote.
And I definitely tele-transported with a nice Native American lady.
A medicine woman.
[Murphy snores]
You got to love that son of a bitch.
We're on a one way trip to hell, and he still finds time for a nap.
Keep still. I don't want to knick you.
Aw, man, you got magic hands.
What's your name again?
Sal, short for Salazar.
Salazar! Albanian Salazar!
Oh, my God, he's Albanian!
I thought I detected an accent.
Yes. Not Albanian. Greek.
Oh! Thank God.
-Albanian's hate us. -Yeah!
Damn, I thought I had it.
Don't beat yourself up, Bro. Greece is right next door to Albania.
-Practically neighbors. -[Sal] Totally different.
Do tell.
Albania is Albania. Greece is Greece. Macedonia is Macedonia.
Who said anything about Macedonia?
Just an example. And we invented the sandwich.
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Greece did not invent the sandwich.
It was the Romans.
So they could eat on the go while raping and pillaging.
Everybody knows this.
[chuckling] Close, but you're all wrong.
1762, England.
John Montagu, the 4th Earl of Sandwich. No joke.
He had his cook whip up a concoction of meat and bread,
so he didn't have to leave the poker table.
-Is that so? -Mm-hm.
You know, that reminds me of another invention
named after its inventor.
Sir Thomas Crapper, who actually holds nine Royal Patents
on siphonic flushing mechanisms.
The toilet?
That too.
Just think. If it were the other way around,
we'd be eating a crapper and taking a sandwich.
That's heavy, man.
Don't move.
I still need to take a little off the top.
Man, he gives looks that would kill. Huh, Skeezy?
Yeah, knocks 'em dead every time.
Drive the ladies crazy!
Quite a cheering section you got there. You paying them?
You and your friend are all right. Those two, not so much.
That's the nature of the damn Apocalypse, like ships passing in the night.
Some you harbor. The rest you torpedo and sink.
You're funny. Very.
Not, Albania. Albany.
Have you ever been to Albany, New York?
Give it a break, Doc. He just said he likes us.
OK. Thanks, man. We love you too. Have you ever been to Albany?
No.
Albuquerque?
Missed it.
Well, next time take a left at Tucumcari.
I got to figure this out.
-I got to meditate. -[Murphy] Don't burst a blood vessel.
Soon as he's done with me you're next up on the chopping block.
Ummm.
[ringing sound]
How about that baklava? What's that all about?
Delicious pastry...
Do you know that a kangaroo can turn his pouch inside out...
[growling]
[coughing]
[growling sounds]
Wait!
This is great. [chuckles]
Ah.
Spin me around again one last time so I can check out the back
Grant the man his last request.
You, sir, are an artist.
-I am pleased you are pleased. -Oh, please.
Do you have a problem with my happiness?
Negativity's infectious, man.
Like a virus.
-[both] Murphy! -What?
Hey, you want to check out the tanning bed?
They have a tanning bed? You have a tanning bed?
Solar powered.
You really have carved out a tiny niche of heaven here.
Yeah. Blood, sweat, and tears.
Mostly blood. Indeed.
Well, I hope you're not charging an arm and a leg.
-He is. -I am.
Well, then take his. Doc, you're up next.
Me, I'm gonna go get rid of my tan lines. That really was a close shave.
Yeah, I wouldn't split hairs with this man over the price.
I was talking about the shave.
Oh, yeah. Smooth as a baby's bottom.
You're damaged.
-If things get hairy-- -Scream like a porn star.
Something like that.
[Murphy] Oh, Terry cloth.
Hey. Whoa!
-Looking good. -You're not getting in my pants.
You're not wearing any.
Fair enough.
♪ Ta-dah ♪
Really?
You seem unimpressed.
-I dunno. It's kinda... -Intimate, huh?
I guess.
So you... you might want to sign these.
-Why? -For protection.
Get out.
-No, no. Just sign here at the bottom. -No, just get out right now. Go.
Down at the bottom-- Ah!
[Doc] Damn, man. I know your face. I know I know you.
It's right here.
How do you want it cut?
Um, I dunno. I guess just a little off the top.
I dunno, Doc. Your hair looks pretty good to me.
Aw, thanks, man. Actually I just cut it myself.
How bout a wax and a trim? And I got some fierce nose hairs
that could use a good bushwhacking.
Hey, do you shampoo?
-We scalp massage. -Ooh, awesome. Yeah, let's do that.
[whispering]
-[growling] -[screams]
Sorry. Sorry.
[growling]
Oh, Murphy was right. You do have magic hands.
Must be a Greek thing.
Hm, along with oils, yogurt, and brotherly love.
-Oh, and democracy. -Yeah, that.
Even the Greeks made mistakes.
You fresh off the boat, Greek?
By way of Detroit.
Motor city, baby. Far out. I had some good times there.
Did you ever hear of a fella named Nicky La Pieu?
Most people called him Tony Cue Ball.
I don't know why. He had hair down to his knees.
Never heard of him.
-You sure? -Definitely.
Too bad. He was a trip.
Kind of an ass, but too stupid to do much harm.
Come to think of it, the last time I saw him must've been six or seven years ago.
It was just right after--
Holy Moses! I knew it! Tony Cue Ball! You son of a bitch!
-[gasping] -[growling]
Bastard!
[gunfire]
[footsteps]
[Tony clears throat]
"Say hello to my little friend."
[gunfire]
[both] We tried to warn you.
Well next time, try harder.
[snickers]
[overlapping shouting]
-[man 1] Chill out, man! -[man 2] Shut up!
Easy. We'll kill them soon enough.
I thought we were friends.
He ain't a friend. He's not even a barber. You should see the back of your head.
This is not personal. It's never been personal.
Wait a minute.
He kicked your ass once, didn't he?
[Doc] More like sucker punched.
This jackass and his buddy, not Gossamer here,
jumped me, took everything I had, including my undies,
and left me there to die.
You stole his underwear?
I was desperate. It was black summer.
But a man's boxers?
It was business.
Hell of a business.
What?
Nothing. I'm just trying to figure out a way out of this.
[Murphy] Well, that's what I'm trying to do too.
[Doc] Really?
Hey, you want us to spit shine the place?
I'll grab the Pine-Sol.
[groans]
Speak again and I peel your skin.
[doorbell jingles]
If that's who I think it is, you fellas are toast.
Who cares what he's talking about.
-Shoot first. No questions. -I wouldn't do that.
Well, of course they're stalling. You take me for an idiot?
Is that a trick question?
[doorbell jingles]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If that's who they think it is out there, you're gonna want her alive.
-Her? -Oh, yeah. Whoo.
-[chuckles] -Mama brings the pain.
[Tony] Quiet!
Act normal.
Normal?
Like you're not being robbed.
A robbery? Is that what this is?
I totally thought you two were a couple of sadists
-out for a good time. -No, they're capitalists.
Shut the hell up!
You are the chattiest bunch of marks in the whole damn Apocalypse!
[doorbell jingles]
You have to pull.
Anybody ever read The Monkey's Paw?
-Don't...! Don't shoot. -We are unarmed.
[coughing]
Ran out of ammo.
All that damn foam.
You two look like you smell.
That is a compliment.
[groans] That foam is nasty.
-[blows nose] -[all groan]
What's the matter?
You never see a woman blow her nose before?
[all groan]
I don't feel so good.
[all retching]
Wait! I need your help!
-[groans] -[Tony] This is still a robbery!
[shouting]
[screaming]
[gunfire continues]
[gunfire stops]
[zombies growling]
I'm getting too old for this shit.
Me too. You were supposed to be my last score.
I'm seriously skeptical of that statement.
Shut up.
Fate is giving us a chance to reconcile our past.
How the hell is this reconciling?
Because this time, I will kill you.
Tan mom!
-[gunfire continues] -[all groan]
Tiny!
[gasping]
Tiny?
Take that thing out of here.
What the...?
Ahh! She bit me!
-She bit you! -That's what I said. She bit me.
-Me too. -She bit you?
No, she bit you.
-But you said that-- -She bit you.
-Am I gonna tan? -No, little buddy.
You're gonna Z.
[groans]
[coughing]
[continues coughing]
[groans]
Get me out of here, Sketchy! Man, I don't want to die! Not like this.
You're not gonna die, OK?
You might be going Z, but you're not gonna die.
-Here, grab that. -What?
The barbicide. It'll kill anything.
[gulping]
[gasping]
-Did you just drink that? -Yeah.
-Do you feel any better? -No.
OK, you weren't supposed to drink it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait one minute. Just one minute, all right?
Then you can do whatever you want to him.
Give him a minute, for Chrissakes.
All right, let's all be calm here.
Let's step through this logically, huh?
We've held Skeezy here for a while, and he hasn't turned yet, has he?
-Proof is in the pudding. -Yeah, I agree.
If he hasn't turned by now, bacon lady didn't get him.
Explain the bite.
-OK, I bit him. -[all] You bit him?
-You bit me? -Yeah.
I did.
Scout's honor.
-Why didn't you speak up? -Because I knew you wouldn't believe me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put it away, broheim.
Don't be stupid. The bullet will go right through you.
-Two for the price of-- -OK! Fine! Shoot us both!
But what are you gonna do when we go Mad-Z, huh? Huh?
You can't kill two crazies.
Not with a pair of .45s and...
three bullets.
Cut off their arms and legs.
Then throw them in the basement with the rest of the Zs.
-What? -That'd do the trick.
-Who's side are you on? -Yeah.
-Sorry. -Wait, there are Zs in the basement?
Doc, Doc, buddy, come on, man.
Now, hey, I know you ain't keen on these fellas here, Sal.
Oh I'm sorry, is it still Sal or is it Tony?
-Why would I lie about my name? -Because you lied about everything else.
I'm sorry. Scratch that. That is not productive.
My point is, let's do these fellas justice.
Cutting off arms and legs seems just. At least to me it does.
See, it's like Kansas City all over again, Sketch.
-My arms, my legs, I mean, I need them. -You're already strange-looking.
-Seriously, you guys. -This is just ridiculous.
[commotion]
Enough! Enough! Enough!
All right.
We're going do this the old fashioned way.
Dissolve them in acid?
No, we're not gonna dissolve them in acid.
It sucks, but fate has chosen to screw you.
We play by one rule. Survival of the fittest.
We toss him out on his ass, let Darwin do the rest.
Murphy.
How could you?
We're talking about Skeezy here.
Yeah, Murphy.
After all we've been through.
Yeah, um... uh-uh.
Sketchy, I know you two are tight. Skeezy's been a good friend to you.
What do you think we should do?
I say we let him go.
Listen, OK?
If anybody's shooting this weaselly man right here, it's gonna be me.
You knew this going in.
Mercy you, mercy me.
Butch and Sundance, Bonnie and Clyde, Hall and Oats.
That was always the plan.
Yeah, but they... they died together.
What?
Let's not get carried away.
Listen, um...
Uh...
Can I do it? Please.
There's one in the chamber. Make it count.
No, no, no. You wanna play roulette?
That's what you want to play? All right. [cackles]
I'll play. I'll play. And you'll pay!
Yeah! I'll go mad, son!
-Like... [mimics crazy person] mad! -[Sketchy] OK.
OK. Calm down there, bud.
You got so much to live for in the next eight to ten minutes.
-Keep going. -OK. Yeah.
I say we heed Murphy's advice.
I'm sorry, what... what advice was that?
That, the bit about rules.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Darwin thing. Yeah, yeah, do that.
Yeah, the Darwin thing.
That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about freedom!
I'm talking about free will! Independence!
Choice.
I'm talking about a man wrestling fate into his hands, you know?
I'm talking about riding on the wings of destiny.
[Skeezy] Oh, yeah!
Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm looking for.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I like my idea better. Chop off his arms and legs.
Put that down. Sometimes the best weapon is upstairs.
I'm gonna need your buddy's hat.
[both] What do you need his hat for?
All right, let's count the ballots.
Chop off limbs.
Exile.
Cut off limbs.
Another limbs.
Exile.
It's a tie.
Somebody didn't vote.
Murphy, did you vote?
Hm? Oh, yeah, no.
After Gore v. Bush, it didn't seem worth it anymore.
Not then. Now.
Yeah, no. It didn't seem worth it now either.
[gasps] No wonder we live in a failed state.
Please, Murphy.
All right. What are you giving me for my vote?
His undying loyalty.
That's it? I mean for a life? Loyalty? [scoffs] What a rip.
Who's got the pen?
[doorbell jingles]
[all] Pull!
[coughing and retching]
Outside!
[retching]
[man thuds on floor]
No need to get yer knickers ruffled.
Ah!
Things already went to pot, I see.
What's his deal?
These guys want to throw him outside.
[overlapping chatter]
This is a real cock-up.
Yeah. I mean just put him out of his misery. Toss him outside.
-Mm-hm. -Do you want to vote?
[both] I think we just did.
No, no, no. Wait. Wait. Let me say goodbye.
Make it fast. And no funny business.
Mmm. Mmm.
Why didn't you ever say anything?
I didn't think I had to.
I love you.
I know.
Yeah?
I know you.
Just do it already! Just do it!
Ow! Ow!
Hold still, Dale!
I'm cured!
Yeah, sorry pal. I don't think so.
No. No, I know him!
I think this son of a bitch bit me!
Yeah. Yeah, he bit me too.
-Right here. -Aww.
All right. Good luck, buddy.
No!
Love's a bitch, huh?
-No offense. -None taken.
Ahh.
[man screams]
Yeah, all right! We get it! You're dead!
Sketchy?
-Do you maybe want to say a few words? -Uh, yeah.
Mitts in the air, you bloody wankers.
That's right, everybody. In the air!
This here's a good old fashioned stick-up!
Come on.
-[Tony] Taste of my own medicine. -Karma, baby.
Just rip off the fig leaf. It's less painful that way.
[chuckles] Tidy whiteys?
-Used to be. -No wonder he stole your boxers.
Funny how life's most negative moments have the longest lasting impact.
-You don't have many friends, do you? -All of them are dead.
[clicking sound]
You're family.
I don't give a rat's ass about these other folks.
No offense.
Something about you ain't right.
I've been... I've been told I have a screw loose.
No. That ain't it.
[sniffs]
Now what are we gonna do with them?
I dunno. I hadn't thought that far ahead.
Well whatever you do, don't put us in that basement right there.
No, I'm serious. Please.
Please don't put us in there. I can't go down there.
What's in the basement?
Nothing.
It's cold and it's dark.
And I just... I can't go down there.
I'm scared of confined spaces.
Brilliant.
No, no. It's not brilliant. It's not brilliant.
I'm asking you. I'm begging you.
Please don't put us into that basement right there.
Could be a trap.
Where is the booty?
It's in the basement?
[grunts]
[coughs]
Sorry about that. Dale can be a little bit rough.
He hears your mate say, "No, no, not in the basement,"
when in fact that's exactly where you want to be, ain't it?
Tell the truth.
Don't be clever. You can't hide. Not from me.
[snickers]
Our goose's up top! Everybody in the basement!
-Seems OK to me! -I knew it was you!
[commotion]
-Whoo! Now that's Darwin, baby! -Shut up.
-[groaning] -[slashing]
[machine gun fire]
[machine gun fire stops]
[footsteps]
OK. Time to end this.
He dies. She dies.
Everybody dies.
Wait. Uh...
Don't you want to make a speech or say any last words?
Aren't they the same thing?
Oh, no. No, no, no. They're totally different.
I mean, one could be a pep talk. The other one could be the Lord's prayer.
[doorbell jingles]
[jingling continues]
[explosion]
Live by the door, die by the door.
Whoo! Closing time! [chuckles]
You? You brought the damn house down.
-You can say that again. -Don't. Don't.
-Hey, man. What took you so long? -Oh, green foam, green truck.
You swallowed the key, didn't you?
It's all right.
[both chuckle]
Hold on. You guys had this planned the whole time?
[both] Of course.
I mean we tried to cut you in, man.
Yeah, we didn't see that bit with you and old Sal though.
No, that almost derailed the whole thing.
-Coinkydinks. -Yeah, deus ex machina.
Deus Ex Machina.
-Kismet. -Horse shit.
You two morons aren't masterminds.
Yeah, well it's either that or we're lying.
I believe them when they're lying. I get scared when they're not.
And I was scared. Really.
-You believe them? -I do.
It doesn't make any sense. To go through all of this for what?
[both] Retirement.
Yeah, man. We're taking over the Barber Shop.
-We're gonna practice the tonsorial arts. -Lifelong dream come true.
I wouldn't know. I had mine removed.
We need to find Warren.
[man] Get up.
You have to get up.
You have to keep moving.
Everything depends on you.
Warren!
I won't be there to help you.
Hey. You OK? We've been looking for you.
This the way?
[blows nose]
[chuckles] You're such a wuss.
So what do you think'll happen with Wheezy and Fschizzle?
Those crazy bastards. They're following their own dream.
[whistling]
Ah, this is the life, Skeezy, just you and me.
You know what we need to do next?
-Make out again? -Get a dog. What?
-Oh, get a dog? Yeah, get a dog. -Yeah.
Do you think there's any of them left?
Oh, I'm sure. Somewhere.
Well here, let me see.
Voila!
Huh? What do you think?
Skeezy.
-It's perfect. -Yeah!
I love it!
[zombies growl]
[pounds foot]
[chuckles]
-Ahh. -Whoo!
So, you ready to kill the competition?
[clicks teeth] I was born ready.
-[laughs] -Right.
Whoo!
-Oh. -[continues laughing]
[continues laughing]