Whoo!
One, two, three!
Toss me a beer!
Beer distributor is closed. Sorry!
- Bye! - Come on,
give us something!
I'll give you something!
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- Whoo, whoo, whoo!
- Hey! - Whoo, whoo, whoo!
That was my bathing suit!
I love you, bitches!
And one day, we're taking over the world.
- Yeah, we are! Get over here. - Whoo!
Come here, come here, come here, come here...
Your ta-ta's look different than my mom's.
Whose are nicer?
I wanna watch Lalaloopsy, and you're in my seat.
Shh, honey bunny.
Mom!
Aunt Wren is sleeping on the couch again,
and I wanna watch Lalaloopsy!
Oh, that's loud, babe.
Let's turn the volume down to, like, a two.
- Coffee? - Yeah.
Fix your boob. Come with me.
What? Oh, crap.
- No. - No?
- Mm-mm. - I mean, shit.
Poopy?
Crap.
- Crap, crap, crap, crap... - Stop. Stop. Stop.
- Crap, crap, crap, crap... - Rough night?
I think so.
Maybe, yeah.
You know, you gotta stop using this place
as your crash pad.
I don't want my daughter remembering this in ten years
and getting inspired to "pull a Wren."
God.
I'd take back my spare key,
but you'd probably just start using the doggie door again.
So, what are we doing today?
Mm. Probably something with beans.
Did you just say "beans"?
Yeah, I did.
Corey's really into beans.
She likes to, like, sort them
into little piles, you know?
Sometimes she'll make, like, big piles.
Recently, she's been making shapes with the beans,
which is really exciting, so it's a big win for us.
So she's gonna sort beans while I sit next to her
and sleep with my eyes open.
Kinda like...
like that. You know what I mean?
Does it look like I'm paying attention?
Oh, I was waiting for the punchline.
That's, that's a real thing that's happening?
I can't get her off of it.
It's all day.
Where is my phone?
You are exposing your crotch to my child again.
- This is so great. - Oh, no. Got it!
Thank you for the hospitality.
Yeah, it's been a lovely morning. Thank you.
Where's the other one?
Yeah, you know what,
keep it.
- Okay. - Bye!
I am so over her drama.
Yeah.
You're exercising again.
So fun.
So when's the big race?
It's called a marathon.
I know. I did one, remember?
- Mm. The scoliosis thing? - Yeah.
That was a 5K, and you didn't even finish.
- What's the diff? - Like, 21 miles.
Holy shit. You're doing 21 miles?
Twenty-six-point-two, baby!
Why? Why would you do that? That's, that's--
That's, like, torture. Why?
You wanna jog with me for a little while?
No, I'm a smoker.
What about later?
Dinner, drinks, maybe a little heart-to-heart?
I'm not drinking until after the marathon.
You know that, okay? And I'm not eating after seven.
Intermittent... You get it. I'll, I'll call you, okay?
Listen, I gotta go.
- You're not coming with me? - No!
- You sure? - No.
- I'll race you. All right. - No.
Bye! Love you!
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So much love.
- Oh, hey! - Hey!
Hey, Beau. Say hi to your Aunt Wren.
I'm just kidding. He can't speak.
Well, hello. I didn't know you were coming.
No, I didn't.
I didn't know that Mama was bringing
the little smelly felly.
Why else would I be here?
You know I fuckin' hate grass.
To buy drugs off of scabby teenagers?
I'm just kidding. Unless you want to.
I could just mosey over there and ask them.
- They look sketchy A.F. - Mm-hmm.
Seriously. Those guys definitely have narcotics.
Oh, you know what?
They think that I'm his babysitter.
Yeah. I just look too young to be a mom.
Since when do babysitters wear power suits?
They both wanna fuck me.
Isn't that hilarious?
It's 'cause I look like a young Elle Fanning.
It happens all the time.
Anyway, um, what's up?
Oh, I don't know. I mean,
I just feel like you guys are so busy all the time.
- No, not in front of the kids. - What?
I miss you guys, you know?
- Mm. - I miss hanging out.
- The anticipation of the weekend--
Oh! I gotta take this call.
- Can you just take him? - What? No.
- Yeah, just, just take him. - No.
- I gotta get this. - No. This is not safe...
- Oh, wait. Oh, my God. - ...for me or him.
I forgot the bottle.
- Oh, gosh. - You'll be fine. You'll be fine.
Just sing to him or something.
Irish car bomb, laddy!
Mm-mm. Mm.
Ooh! Make it two.
Oh.
Shit. Oh, shit.
Freshen me up!
That's what my nana used to say
when she wanted to order another highball.
You've had enough. You're cut off.
Whatever. I don't need you. There's other bars.
Hold up. You still got a tab to pay.
"You got a tab to pay."
You're not the dad of me.
You give me the money now.
What are you gonna do about it? Huh?
I'm out of here, bro.
- Syke! - Hey! Wait!
The last time I was here, I was with my friends.
Now, I'm all alone.
All alone.
- All alone. - Are they...
Are they serving breakfast yet?
They just moved on.
I mean, it's like a betrayal, really.
Double time, cappy.
And march.
I mean, why does it have to change?
Why does everything have to change?
Everyone's changed, changed, changed,
and they're just all okay with it.
I'm not okay with it.
Pepper, you made bail.
I was framed.
So, thank you.
- Dude, what the fuck? - I know. I'm sorry.
Why would you attack a bartender?
You love bartenders. They control the fuckin' liquor!
Yeah, with an iron fist.
Why are you still wearing my Crocs?
Fuck.
- Really? - Sorry.
What is going on with you? I already have a kid.
I do not want another kid.
I'm not a kid.
They don't put kids in the slammer.
That's like the one place that's left for adults only.
Jesus, Wren. I can't just bail you out of jail
or, or rescue you, or be your wingman
every time you wanna go out and get fucked up!
Okay? I have responsibilities!
Oh, my God. I can't believe
that you are turning me into this person.
This person sucks!
You know what? Maybe we should just cancel
this birthday thing tomorrow because...
- What? No! - ...I have to sleep.
Really?
What couldn't wait? I've been gone a half an hour.
You can't do this by yourself?
She what?
With a cucumber?
Why was it out?
I am coming!
Jesus! God!
I'm about to abandon all you motherfuckers!
Holy crap!
Look at me. Look at me right now.
I am tired.
Do you understand that?
To the very marrow of my bones.
It is in my soul.
Can you even understand that...
level of fatigue?
Get the fuck out of my car!
Get out!
I just wanna remind you, it's my birthday tomorrow, so...
Technically, it's right now
'cause it's after midnight, so it's my birthday--
I'm not wishing you a happy birthday,
- if that's what you want right now. - You'll do it tomorrow.
Love you.
Fuck!
Hey, Corey.
- Hey. - What are you doing?
- Happy birthday! - Hi!
Oh, my God. You look hot!
Thank you! You look...
Um...
- kind. - Thanks.
- Aw. - So, um,
where are we going tonight?
- Happy, happy! - Hey!
Hi. Sorry we're late. Someone had a meltdown.
Oh. Your kids are here.
Good.
Are we having food? Let's do this.
Sorry, our sitter canceled. She had to go to...
The Fray concert or something.
Well, somebody forgot to call ours. It wasn't me.
It was Nick. Nick is the one who forgot.
I did. Yeah. Everything's my fault.
- Could you act sorry? - What is the big deal?
It's not like we're at a restaurant or something.
Oh.
Another cocktail?
Wren?
Wren, another cocktail?
Yes.
He had one job.
He's at home all day writing a book.
More like stroking his balls.
I mean, there's no hair left.
You want some...?
Not even one glass? You're so disciplined.
Remember when you used to eat
chocolate covered pretzels dipped in butter?
I do remember that.
Remember when your asshole brother said
that I looked like a big toe...
Hey.
Remember when we used to spend time together
instead of alleging to be collapsing from exhaustion
or swamped with work
or "a small child's life depends on you"? I mean--
I think we're doing pretty good despite those "claims" of ours.
Guys, we don't see each other.
We don't even hang out anymore.
We, we, we-- we're barely ever together as a group.
Yeah. Well, that's how it goes.
- I mean, that's life. - You act like
- you have no control over it. - Control over what?
Getting older. We don't. We die or we age. Two options.
Fighting is an option.
Not the aging thing, but you can fight changing.
Oh, no. You can absolutely fight aging, and win.
What happened to us? Right? What, what, what, what--
What happened to us? We used to be a thing,
like a moving unit.
Sorry, what are we talking about?
Bitch, drop the damn phone.
Look at us. Look at this.
What has happened here between us?
There's nothing. W-where's the chemistry?
Where's the, like--
It's my birthday, and you're not even talking to me.
I mean, can we, can we just, like, focus a little bit
and, and not just, like, run through the motions?
I feel like we need to rebel against this generic death march
- that the rest of society stumbles down. - "Generic death march."
Like the work, marry, kids, menopause, die.
A-are we kidding? Why am I the only one freaking out over this?
Maybe 'cause it's your birthday?
- What? - Is that what it is?
- You're very single. - And lonely?
What? No, that's not why I'm freaking--
Okay, I'm just gonna say it, all right?
I am just going to say it. There is no life in our lives.
Remember, we had all these plans?
We were gonna take over the world, right?
Jill, I mean, you just forgot, and now I am reminding you,
so it's all... Jill, seriously.
Wren, we didn't forget.
We were just teenagers when we said that.
Kids, can you please
just keep it quiet over there?
Teenagers say that shit, and then we grow up.
Are you implying that I didn't?
No, you're putting words in my mouth right there.
Why don't you chill with the temper tantrum?
- Yeah, you're fine. - I mean, maybe you just got
a little stuck after high school.
Stuck? Stuck?
I did not peak in high school!
I am in my pri-- Goddamn it, Jill!
Mommy!
- Jesus Christ! - Oh, my God, Wren!
My God, Wren! What are you doing?
What happened? Is he bleeding?
- Wren, what are you doing? - Oh, my God.
- Are you crazy? - I have cancer!
I'm so sorry!
What? Oh, what?
- No! - Oh, my God.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity-fuck sticks!
Thanks for coming in today.
- Receipt is in the bag. - Okay.
Thank you so much.
Good to... Good to see you.
Did you see that lady over there?
The one that was breastfeeding?
Yes. It's disgusting.
Oh. No.
Yeah, that's not the--
Anyway, um,
back in high school, she was crazy.
I'm talking sex, drugs, shoplifting, carjacking.
She was my hero.
What were you like in high school?
Did you run around and tear shit up?
I had my moments. I, uh,
I enjoyed creating comic books.
Okay, yeah. So you get it. Sort of.
Um...
What's the-- the worst lie that you've ever told?
I don't lie. It's a sign of weakness.
Okay. Well, um...
Would you be mad if somebody implied
that you peaked in high school?
- I was homeschooled. - That makes sense.
Oh, thank you.
But-- but, no, no. No, I would not be mad.
I mean, 98.9% of the people are, are, are sheep.
Their opinions are meaningless.
Okay. Well,
let's just say you did care, right?
And it caused you to do something crazy,
some might even say unforgivable,
in the heat of the moment.
You couldn't be held responsible for that, right?
Because you were provoked, right?
I've lost interest in this conversation.
Excuse me.
Hey, Malcolm.
- What's up? - My guy.
- Who are you? - We're Wren's friends.
- We've met you numerous times. - Really?
- Mm-hmm. - We're here to steal Wren.
Is that okay? We don't wanna take up any of her sick days.
Why are you whispering?
Oh, um, we're trying to be respectful...
- Yeah. - ...because of cancer.
Oh. You guys have cancer?
- No. - Not the three of us.
- No, - Uh, Wren.
W-wren has cancer?
- You-- you didn't know? - No, I didn't... Wren?
Oh, my God. Wren.
- Oh. - Oh. Is she cleaning
- the floors? - Should she do that?
Wh-- Well, what are you--
- What are you doing about it? - Me?
You, uh, her, whoever.
Oh, uh, we're taking her to a...
- a pool and spa. - Yeah.
Well, well, will that help?
They offer a treatment called, um...
"Healing Hands".
- I've heard of that, I think. - Have you?
- That-- - Yeah, but...
Wren's used up all her personal days
- and her sick days, plus four. - Plus four?
Well, I suppose I could disregard
all the tenants of honor and personal accountability
I hold my life to and,
- and let this slide, but-- - Mmm.
- Right. - Okay, yes.
Go immediately or I'll change my mind.
- Okay. - Thank you so much.
- Thank you! - Bye.
Thank you.
Ah, Jesus. That sucks.
Now I'm gonna have to train a newbie.
She's stealing.
What the heck's going on with the footwear?
I told you already. Nobody looks at my feet, okay?
I have gorgeous feet.
So, Wren. We should-- We should talk.
Yeah, there are things that we need to know.
Yeah, like what kind of cancer do you have?
- Tonsil. - What?
Yeah, um, throat. Tonsil cancer.
Oh, from smoking.
- Oh! - Yeah, that, that--
that would be the most logical assumption.
That might not be so bad because the tonsils are actually very small.
Yeah, exactly.
They could probably just chop it off, you know?
- Mmm. - Oh.
We also need to say
that we feel incredibly shitty
about the way things went down the other night.
About that. Uh...
Guys. I, uh... Thank you.
You guys,
look, this is really nice, but...
Is that okay to do
- with your tonsils? - Ooh, yeah.
There's something that I...
- really need to admit to you. - It's fine.
You missed Dale's eye by, like, a solid inch.
- No. - No one was fatally hurt.
Does he now jump when he hears loud noises? Yeah.
Is there a twitch? Also, yeah.
But nothing that, uh, time and therapy won't help.
And Nick wanted Dale to toughen up a little bit.
Uh, we wouldn't have done it by chucking a phone at his head,
but whatever works.
Yeah. I should've known something was wrong
from the way you were acting.
You kinda freaked us out, to be honest.
We were, like, what kind of adult woman acts like that?
- Yeah. - But now it all makes sense.
And you were right. We should see each other
- more often, and we will. - Yeah.
- We will? - Heck, yeah.
I mean, you're single, so we're kind of all you have.
Oh, my God. Shut up!
- What? - Just stop talking.
Wren, friendship is important.
That's the point, okay?
We all need to make time for that.
Especially now. We're gonna be here by your side
- through all of this. - Right. Friends till the end.
Not that you're gonna die soon.
Jill! Shh!
Uh, "shh" to you!
Shh! Shh! Shh!
Anyway, Laurel found a cancer support group,
so she's gonna take you there tonight.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't do that.
- Sure you can. - A hundred percent.
Guys, that's not spending time together.
That's spending time with strangers, and you know what?
Who likes talking to strangers?
Besides, this...
This...
this is the only support I can handle right now.
Go, fucker! You dildo-popping son-of-a-clit mother...
Jesus!
Zen. I've been doing yoga, but this is why...
I hate driving. Next time, we'll take our bikes.
That way it's easier to get physical when someone pisses you off.
I don't have a bike.
Well, then, you don't have a future.
At least not one without insulin. Are you kidding?
You-you wanna say goodbye to your fuckin' toes?
- No. - I'll give you one of mine.
Bikes, not toes.
I have four, okay? Their terrain-specific,
super grippy on the handles, you know? Vroom, vroom.
Uh! Those bad boys will get you to and from,
that's for sure.
How did you even find out about this place anyway?
This chick at my gym. Her brother has cancer,
and she says he likes these meetings.
She says it's like a potluck, you know?
BYOC. I know
you are fucking kidding me.
Here we are!
Okay.
- I guess I'll go in now. - Go ahead.
I'm just gonna wait here the whole time.
I'll park and run laps.
I'm good, actually. I can--
I can Uber back later.
No, I wanna be here for you.
- I'm here for you. - You're here right now.
- Thank you so much. - I will be here forever.
Wha--
Like, I'm gonna watch you walk in,
and I'm gonna be here when you-- when you come out.
It's like the first day of school. Fun, right?
I'm like-- I'm like your mom.
- I just won't leave. - Or I could Uber later.
- No. - I'll be good. You don't have to wait.
- I'm good. - No, no, no. I'm your Uber.
I'm your Postmates. I'm your Tinder.
Oh. Okay. Uh, all right.
- Have fun. - All right. Thank you.
C-A-N-C-E-R!
I'm just trying to be supportive.
You okay?
Do we have to participate?
What, you mean, like, talk and shit?
Nah, nah, nah. It's not like that.
Chill.
Seriously, you'll be fine.
This is the easy part.
Why? What happens later?
No, I'm saying this part's a breeze, you know what I mean,
compared to the rest of it.
Quick question.
Have you ever told, like, a massive lie
that you can't really--
Well, aren't you fetching.
Well, thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're pretty fetching yourself. Mm.
What?
Hello, everyone. Welcome.
Let's get started with a prayer.
Heavenly Father, we gather today to thank you for your great love
and blessings over our lives.
Were you hitting on me in a cancer support group?
- ...with our illnesses and we ask you... - What if I was?
...for your guidance so that we might walk fully
- in your blessedness... - Isn't that against the rules?
They did it in Fight Club.
...to hear your voice and make us strong by your...
- Leo, what up? - What's up, man?
Good to see you, Derek. By the way, uh, this is Wren.
- She's new. - Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Man, you are really nailing the whole charisma thing.
Strong, firm handshake, super intense eyes.
You're like the Tom Cruise of cancer.
Tom Crancer.
What kind of cancer do you have?
It's primarily in the tonsil arena, and--
but it-it has wandered into the, uh, throat-al,
um, region, as well.
Yeah, that one can be tough.
Yeah. Wait, what? As--
What do-- what do you mean? Is there a lot of symptoms,
or, um, are they visible... Hair loss?
I don't know any specifics.
You should talk to your doctor about that.
It's such a pleasure meeting you, Wren.
Oh. Oh. Okay.
Well, this was, uh, yeah.
It was very insightful, and, uh, um, healing,
and, um, beneficial, and just so, so wonderful.
Thank you for the, uh, general wellness.
Is it weird to pick someone up at a cancer support group?
Yeah. A hundred percent.
What about Fight Club?
Oh, I totally forgot about Fight Club.
- We should watch that later. - We totally should.
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes...
- Mm. - ...working jobs we hate
- so we can buy shit we don't need. - Mm, mm, mm, mm.
- Mmm. - First rule of Fight Club is
you do not talk about...
Hey!
Ugh.
- Hey. - We're here!
What, what-- What are you guys doing?
We are here to fix you, okay?
- We got sitters. - You did?
How are you feeling? Any better?
- Um... - Have you, um...
Have you discharged any vomit...
- What is...? - ...or anything yet?
- Chips? - Um, what is she doing?
What, what-- what are you doing?
I mean, "You cannot heal your body
if you insist on fueling it with garbage."
- You gotta read the book. - Mm-hmm.
You know what? I've got a-- a really cool idea.
So, I, um...
I ran into this, uh, doctor at the hospital
that told me about all these natural healing techniques
that we could try, and, um,
one of them is a healing circle.
We-we sit in a circle,
and then when we're there,
you guys think healing thoughts, right?
You would think them, and then you would just beam them...
- Whoa. - ...um, kinda, like, at me,
sort of like a little, little love missiles.
- Mm-hmm. - And then it turns
into healing.
It-it, like, heals.
It's the mind. It's, like, the, the most--
- Science of the mind. - Yeah.
- It's the most natural-- - It's very powerful stuff.
Exactly.
We have the ability to heal ourselves from within.
- Sure, yeah. - So how about...
Maybe you could just...
...stop touching my stuff, then we can call Laurel
and tell her to come over, and, you know...
We can do this, make it a-- make it a thing.
- What do you think? - Shoot you with love?
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.
I haven't read any of that in this kind of--
It's not in that book. It's an, um, it's a--
it's a book that they have at the hospital.
What's it called? I'd like to pick it up.
- I could just order it. Amazon. - Um...
- Yeah, right now. - It's called The Circle of Life.
Circle... It sounds familiar.
Circle of Life... Uh, by Marianne Williamson?
Probably.
Was it on the Oprah list?
It might have been. Um,
but why don't we just call Laurel
and-and get her to come over here and try it, all right?
And are we clothed?
Mm.
We-- we, uh, we could do something else.
Is there anything that, um, that they suggested
to help the healing...
...along?
- Something-- - Yes.
Patients, um, with social support
tend to feel less anxious, depressed,
and have a better quality of life.
So the point is, basically,
that having you guys around me a lot
is so important to me...
to my life... quality.
And...
But there are other techniques.
Um, such as massages,
day drinking, maybe a carnival, vacations.
General spirit-lifters.
- Oh. - "Vacations"? Plural?
Uh, vacations meaning sunshine.
- Right? - Okay.
- Because, uh... - Yeah.
The sun has Vitamin D, right?
And, um, the exposure of D
has several benefits, like,
it synthesizes the white blood cells...
- Mm-hmm. Right. - ...which is good
because it also prevents...
"ricket."
What... what is ricket?
I think it's a bug.
- It's-- - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, this is good. Laughing is holistic.
Mmm. 'Cause they do say that laughter is the best medicine.
Gene Simmons?
- Richard Simmons? - No. Who is this?
- J.K. Simmons? - It's a very famous movie.
It was a huge hit.
Who is the little boy behind her?
If that's Shane West...
that is...?
Shane West, Mandy Moore,
A Walk to Remember...
What is this?
"My only hope!"
Stop the lip quiver, Mandy Moore.
- Oh! - Oh!
I mean, it's just a game.
- It's just a game. - Yeah, no. It's a,
"Ha-ha, I love it. Ha-ha. I'm so much fun."
Whoa, yeah, smoke.
- I'm doing it. - - Do the thing you used to do
- with your nose. - Oh, yeah.
Oh, smoke...
Hey, Jake? It's Jill.
Yeah, you remember me from high school.
- Me. - I wanna suck your hairy balls.
I do. What do you mean I sound exactly the same?
Oh, my God. His wife. His wife.
- Oh. Oh. - Uh... oh, my God.
I might kiss you.
You're lucky, okay? We've got nice toys.
Sit down there. Just sit down and play.
Very good. Thank you.
Um, guys.
Come on. Come on.
- Let's-- let's go. - What?
All right? Let's just-- Let's just...
Let's go.
Wren, I signed you in. Why don't you just sit?
- We're staying. We're staying. - I know, but I, I can sign out.
I can come back another day.
We should discuss maybe getting a second opinion.
You know, we've all been asking around
- for referrals. - Oh.
- Mm-hmm. - - I say, the more, the better.
What kind of insurance do you have?
I'd like to call them and find out exactly what's covered
- so we can stay on top of your doctors. - - Right.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, you know what? That's it. I-I, I'm-I'm-I'm--
This has gone on far too long.
I'm gonna just say it.
I don't have cancer, okay? It was a misdiagnosis,
and the doctors thought that I did have cancer,
but it turns out that they were wrong.
They checked again, and it looks like
it was just a goiter.
- You don't have to lie to mask your fear. - Yeah.
I'm not lying.
- Fibbing? - This is-- I'm telling you,
this is textbook behavior.
I just marked this page in my book.
Another self-help book. Are you kidding me?
Whoa. Why are you attacking me right now?
Why do you read this stuff? It's a pyramid scheme.
Do you know what a pyramid scheme is?
- No. - It's not buying a book.
- Wren Pepper? - Let's go!
- Oh. Okay. - All right.
- I'll hold your hand. - Okay, we're gonna pack up, guys.
- Real quick, okay? - You know what?
- We're gonna come with you, okay? - Guys, guys, you know what?
I think I have to go on this journey alone.
- Yeah. - Mm.
So?
- What did you find? - Nothing.
Okay, well, um, that's not possible.
Did you even read my medical history?
The part that asks how many cigarettes
and drinks I have in one week?
There's definitely something liquefying,
or hardening, or exploding in there.
It's probably cancer.
No, you're perfectly healthy.
Maybe you need to do a little bit more
of a thorough investigation?
Like, run some tests?
The real hardcore shit, like, really get up in there
and, and, and take a good look around.
Wren, you don't have cancer.
I could have cancer.
The body's a mystery.
You could, but you don't.
I really do think I do. I do.
I'm sorry, do you want cancer?
No!
Of course not.
But since when does the universe
care what we want? Hmm?
This is an idiotic conversation.
Have you considered seeing a therapist?
Wow. Yes, I have.
Hey, do I have something in my teeth?
- No. - You do.
What the--
- Where? - Spot me, Dale.
- Spot me, brother. - Where? Where?
- I didn't even eat any food. - Dale, just sit down.
- Spot me. - Thank you.
Wren?
Yeah?
Leo! Hey, are you okay?
Um, I've been better.
Do you need a ride home?
Yeah.
Oh, my gosh. I cannot find my glasses.
Will you-- will you make sure they're strapped in?
I-I have so many bags
- and so many zippers-- - Ugh. Damn it. What is it?
Is it cross-cross or bunny loops?
- Don't look at me. I don't have a kid. - I don't know how to--
- What the heck? - I got it.
- Uh, really? - I-- - Okay, I'm just gonna drive
- without glasses. - - I really don't agree with this.
- I can walk. - If anybody from work
saw me doing this... It's so embarrassing.
- Okay, I got it, I got it. - It's not closing!
- It's gonna close. I got it! - I don't know how to do--
Oh, there it is. There it is. We're good. We're good.
We're good. We are...
- This is so embarrassing. - Everybody strapped in?
- Are you in? - I hope you're all comfortable.
- We are on the move. - Dale! Dale!
Ooh, I wanna wear that. Can I try that on?
No, don't teach Dale.
You know I can't really see out of the rearview mirror.
- That's good. - No, she's-- That's fine.
Wait! I'm not in the car!
This isn't funny!
Jill! Cece!
Whoa.
There you go.
Wait, what-what are-- What are you doing? What are you doing?
What, what are you doing? Wait, whoa.
I've seen a lot of people wear hats like these
in cancer movies and stuff.
Oh, is it--
That's because they're bald.
- That makes sense. - Stop watching movies.
You're fucking up my hair.
Jeez!
So, I see you had your whole little crew in there today, huh?
You're not afraid they're gonna start treating you differently?
Nope.
I was actually more afraid that they wouldn't.
Huh.
Okay, well...
- I guess I'll just... - head out.
My friends,
they don't know what to say, or how to act.
It's like, have you ever had to move neighborhoods
and switch sports teams as a kid,
and your new team has a game playing your old team,
and you see them, you just wanna be back on their side,
when you was all the same, but you can't.
They just keep playing like nothing's changed.
Maybe even start hating them a little.
And then you're like, "Fuck, I already got cancer."
I don't wanna be all...
filled with hate.
So you just let 'em go, you know?
You can't play sports with your friends forever.
Ugh, I cannot believe we used to do this all the time.
I feel sorry for every one of us.
- Hey! - No, I mean, I get it.
It's like, you know, big night out,
nostalgia for the good old days, et cetera, et cetera,
but it doesn't mean I have to be cool
with this waiting-in-line crap.
Um, hey. Do you even feel well enough to be doing this?
I mean, it just seems like a weird thing
for that holistic doctor to suggest.
Is he even really a doctor?
Actually, um, it's-- it's not weird because, uh,
there are several relevant scientific medical studies
that state that normal behavior is super crucial
for an effective and speedy, healthy recovery.
And dancing is great exercise, huh?
- Engages the core. - There is nothing normal
about this,
Gosh, we look like we could be these girls' older sisters.
I don't.
Yeah, we know.
What, is something wrong?
I mean, not with me.
Except that I look thirsty by association standing next to you.
- What did she just say? - No, no, no. It's okay.
It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. Shh. I got this.
You know what? I am thirsty.
But tonight, I'm gonna feed on the blood of someone
way less basic than me.
So I'm gonna look for you on the inside
so I can infuse your coolness into my soul.
You're so beautiful.
Freak.
They're letting you in. You wanna go?
Bye, guys. Thanks for listening to me on that one.
Have fun in there.
Silly little cunt.
Did you like that? I was like the Grim Reaper.
This place is popping off the chain.
What are you drinking?
- Water. - No!
Hey!
No. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, ladies.
We are having fun tonight, okay?
No pussy-ing out.
Whoo!
Fucking finally! Can we get, um--
Three Aperol frosés, please.
Mm. Are you serious?
Guys, guys! It's our song. Let's go dance!
Whoa!
- Hey! Hey! - Ah!
Motherfuck.
A'ight. Let's go, you bunch of hot messes.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, go, go, go, yeah.
Could we just go to-- Could we just go...
- Yeah, all right. - ...to an Apple store?
I need a new iPhone.
Well, um...
Thank you for bailing us out of jail
and for driving us home.
Cece normally does that, but this time she was with us,
so...
- Hey, um... - Mm?
Not to sound all, like, parental or whatever,
but you really gotta watch yourself
drinking on them chemo drugs.
I mean, what do they have you on, anyway?
Uh, pills
and IVs, sometimes.
What kind of IV?
I don't, I don't-- I don't know.
Chemotherapy drugs, probably.
Same, same shit as you.
I'm not on chemo.
But that day at the hospital--
I was getting a tumor ablation
to hold me over until I can find a liver transplant.
Oh. Uh, well...
Honestly, all those cancer terms,
they just go in one ear, and then out the other.
I don't want the, um, negativity to, uh, fester
and kinda stick to my brain, so...
but I can drink on them.
- That, I know for sure. - Mm-hmm.
- Because I asked. So... - Oh.
- Okay. - All good.
- Okay. - But thank you
for your concern.
Where are we going?
Uh, the park by Jill's.
Wren, I think we're getting off track here.
Yeah, I think the park by Jill's is that way.
No, no. Off track with the, the--
the healing tactics for the-- for the cancer.
I know that the holistic doctor is encouraging social stuff,
but I doubt he meant, you know, getting high, getting wasted,
getting in bar fights, and getting arrested.
- Yeah, well-- - I get that it's easier
to pretend that this isn't happening,
but it is,
and all these distractions
are not gonna make the cancer go away.
Whoa!
You're not glancing at the road, like, not even a little bit.
I was.
Our lives are just getting so different,
and you judged my lifestyle, and I did too, and I'm so sorry.
And then this happened, and suddenly, it's, like, shoot,
none of that stuff matters, and, and I realize,
like, I had stopped seeing all of your amazing qualities.
Like, you're brave and you're such a good friend,
and you're so loyal.
I'm so sorry that I forgot,
and I'm not--
I'm sorry.
Okay, Ce. That's it. That's it.
I need you to pull over. I have to tell you something.
I know. I love you too.
- No, it's not that. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, everybody came! - What?
Oh, this is so good.
- What? - You're gonna like this.
"Ish." You might be mad, though.
What is this?
Oh, my God.
- No. - Oh, she's here!
Get out there, you little fucker!
- No, no. - Come on.
We did a good thing.
I'm actually not feeling good.
- Oh, no... - What-- Did you have cold brew again?
So, a quick heads up, this is all for you. Surprise!
It's a little fundraiser for the, you know,
your medical bills and all that stuff.
- You guys, this is not necess-- - No, too, too late! Ooh!
Your parents! Ah! Your parents are coming.
- Your parents are coming. - Oh, yeah.
- What? - We thought that they knew.
- Sorry. - No. No, no, no, no.
They do not know.
I told them that I was out of the country.
Yeah, that caused some confusion.
- Hello, Jill. - Wren,
you didn't even tell us!
Do you realize how that looks?
Tongues start to wag. People talk. They judge!
- You should be ashamed. No. - Uh...
I feel disappointed...
and...
ignored.
Not so much as a word to your parents?
I know I wasn't Mother of the Year, Wrenny,
- but was I that awful? - Carol, knock it off!
Christ, it's been like this the whole damn car ride!
Bad mother, this. Bad father, that.
I'm losing my goddamn mind here!
We had to hear it from Cece.
Why? What are you trying to tell us
by not telling us anything about your life?
I-I know there's a message in there,
and I don't know what it is, but I hear it.
I hear something, and it is loud and clear.
So... So, this is going well.
Cece! Why? Why?
I'm gonna get something to eat. Where's the beef?
- Just... To the left-- - I got it.
- No, the other way. Yeah. - I-I got it.
Watch out for the...
Wrenny, this cancer,
did the doctor say it was from me?
We didn't know not to smoke when we were pregnant.
It was a different time. Everybody did it.
At least a pack a day.
I never should've taken hallucinogenics though,
'cause I've never been the same.
That's on me.
- I'm sorry. - Oh.
- My God. - Mom?
Mom, please don't cry.
Should we leave?
Don't you even dare.
Your whole piggy bank?
You're going to heaven.
You were such a good student. So motivated.
I'd really like it if you would come talk to my students
- about your ordeal. - Hmm.
I-I'd really rather not.
No, she'll do it.
- What do you mean? Come on. - You would love to.
She would love to.
- Mm-hmm. - George Kenny!
- Wrenny's former soulmate! - Mmm.
Oh, and you're having a baby with another woman.
- Mmm. - This is my wife, Linda.
Oh, I know. Wren told me all about you.
No. No, I didn't. I didn't, Mom.
Hm-hmm! She looked you up on Instagram.
Cyberstalking, she called it.
- Mm-hmm. - As a joke!
And I did chuckle.
Well, Linda is a doctor,
and she has some connections, so...
- If there's anything we can do... - Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
That's so nice, but I--
Ah, give us your number.
I don't have a pen.
- I'll DM you. Isn't that nice? - Mm-hmm.
- That is so sweet. - So sweet. So sweet.
Ah, you must be Mr. Pepper.
Who are you?
Leo.
Dad, I-I, I met him in a support group.
I got cancer.
- Oh! - Oh.
- Testicular. - Oh!
Stop it.
- He was just kidding, Dad. - Hey, guys.
I hope you don't mind if I say a quick something.
Uh, I'm Cece, Wren's best friend since the age of five.
- One of her best friends. - We are also.
But I was definitely the first.
Um, recently, as you know,
Wren found out that she was sick.
But just a smidge. Just a...
Just a touch of cancer.
And your generosity will go a long way towards helping her get well.
Oh, this is bad. This is very bad.
And Wren is really lucky to have all of you guys
rallying around her today.
- No, no, no, no. - And, um, all of us
who love Wren are really, really grateful.
Um, sorry. Okay, um, I'm done.
Uh, I'll let you guys get back to it.
Uh, but first, we'll hear a few words from our girl, Wren.
Whoo! Yeah!
Wren!
Wren, get up there. Everybody's looking.
She's always been a late starter.
Come on, kiddo. They're waiting for ya.
Wren, get up there. People are waiting.
Yeah.
- Dad... - My little girl.
Go, Wren.
Oh, whoa.
Speak from your heart, Wren.
Um, hey, y'all. Uh...
Looks like our girl Wren is a little overcome with emotion.
So, uh, I'm gonna tap in.
Um, I'm Leo. I got cancer.
- Ah. - And, uh...
Testicular.
Me and Wren, we just met a couple of weeks ago,
so I know you might be thinking
it's a little soon for me to speak on her behalf,
but cancer really brings people together, you know?
It bonds you. It's like being stuck
in a foxhole together, you know what I mean?
I really like him.
- Oh, yeah. - Uh, trust is crucial and...
and she trusts me enough
to thank all of you on her behalf, so thank you.
A big round of applause for you guys.
Seriously.
You know, we really appreciate all your support.
It-- it means a lot, and, um,
I figured I'd wrap this up
with a little call and response, all right?
So when I say, "I got cancer,"
y'all say, "But it don't got me!"
- Okay? Y'all ready? - Ready!
There we go! I got cancer...
- But it don't got me! - I need it a little louder.
Give me some energy, y'all! Come on!
I'm the one with the cancer. I need to hear y'all!
I got cancer...
- But it don't got me! - Yeah!
Thank you, guys. Round of applause for yourselves, seriously.
We need to talk.
- What a nice young man. Mm-hmm. - He's... He really is.
That, I mean--
- Oh, my God. Thank you. - Why are you lying
- about having cancer? - What?
- I'm-- I'm not. - I...
What? I, no-- I-I do have cancer
of the throat and of the tonsil.
We can do this all day. I know you don't.
I mean, seriously. Who the fuck lies about having cancer?
Well, since I'm not lying, I...
...am lying. I don't have cancer.
Okay, but you do got a serious problem on your hands.
Are you gonna tell everyone?
I didn't say that.
So you're not gonna tell everyone?
I didn't say that either.
This is fuckin' serious, Wren.
I'm still trying to figure out how I'm supposed to deal with this.
Well, maybe you don't have to deal with this.
Nice try. Explain yourself.
Have you ever done something that you can't actually explain?
Try.
I don't know. I-I'm a fucked up, bad person
who does fucked up bad shit!
No. Try again.
Leo, I don't know, okay?
It just, it, it-- it happened, all right?
My friends were sleepwalking through their lives,
and they were forgetting about me.
And there it is.
The dirty truth.
Leo, these girls are my family.
A-actually, they matter on a level
that blood never could because you pick your friends.
You choose each other, and you keep choosing each other.
You think this person...
this person's worth the investment.
I want them in my life, and I will do the work
to keep them there, and every time you think that,
or your friends think that about you,
they prove something.
They prove that...
someone thinks that you are worth it.
Someone thinks that you matter.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but I wasn't ready to give that up.
And I doubt that I ever will be.
My friends were so busy
that they were making that choice less and less,
and...
that scared the shit out of me.
If you're looking for sympathy, you're not gonna find it here...
because I actually have cancer, Wren.
And it fucking sucks.
I'm sorry.
I don't think you are.
Leo...
Goddamn it.
We're having a sale on greeting cards.
You should really stock up.
Hey. Hey, Wren? Wren?
Your, uh, your cancer crony showed up for a visit.
Okay, look. I'm gonna confess.
You might wanna rethink that, Wren.
Why?
After we had our talk,
I had a conversation with your girls the other day,
and they were telling me how they banked a hefty amount
for your treatment.
Now, you know that taking money
for a fake disease
is punishable by imprisonment?
It's considered fraud.
What do you want me to do?
You had me thinking we were in the same boat,
and you ain't even near the fucking water.
- I know. I'm so sorry. - That's some cold shit.
Now, I don't think you're some sort of
Machiavellian douchebag or whatever,
but I am of the opinion
that people should think a little more before they act.
So...
I'm gonna show you how to do that.
What is that?
This is what it feels like to have cancer.
Bottom's up. Go ahead.
Swallow.
- Damn, that worked fast. - Jesus, what was that?
Oh, you know, just a little concoction I found online.
Ew!
What?
Why are you giving us the stank eye?
We got cancer!
Ah. Here they are now. Right on time.
Wren, get in the car.
Me and Daddy are gonna take care of you.
Cancer! It's real.
Now, let me tell you how this is gonna go down.
That puke cocktail
was the start of a little crash course you're gonna take.
I'm calling it "Intro to Empathy 101."
Here are some of the things you're gonna learn.
When you're sick, the people in your life show up.
Oh, goddamn it! What?
- Why? Why? - Come on, honey.
- Rise and shine. Here we go! - Why are you here?
- Why? What's going on? - Leo printed out
the instructions from your doctor.
- He what? - So here you go.
- They're worried. - Here's your medicine.
- What is that? - Come on, take this. Take this.
And they gotta feel like they're doing something to help.
- I don't think I need this. - And we're not leaving
- until you take the damn pills, okay? - Okay, fine, fine.
- Come on. - Same time every day, we gotta take the pills.
- Gotta open up and take your pills. - God.
Put 'em into your tummy hills.
Come on, you got it.
No big deal, right? Wrong.
It's gonna suck for all of you.
Shake it up, Mama.
They're uptight, you're uptight.
Nobody's getting any private time.
Come on, baby. Bottom's up.
Ain't nobody dying on their watch.
- You have to. - You know, Wren...
- There we go. - ...eight out of ten people
don't get enough protein.
- Wrenny, you okay? - Mom, go away!
Are you stopped up?
At this point...
...you'll probably start feeling a little desperate.
Thinking about confessing.
- Do you want me to leave you alone? - Yeah.
- Mom? - You're already weak.
What the...?
But you won't.
Can I tell you a secret?
Because you know I can't poop on vacation.
'Cause you'll remember...
Do a low-pitched guttural moan.
...if you wanna be forgiven for having
an anorexic conscience...
"Oh, I got throat cancer."
- "I know what I'll do." - "I'll... I'll vape."
- Ride the horsey. Ride the horsey. - Hey.
- You... - It's not gonna drink itself.
...gotta do some atoning.
Mmm.
- You have to eat. - Mm-hmm.
No, I have, uh, that whole case
- of Ensure in my bag. - Okay.
I better not find one tiny little footprint in my garden,
or so help me, there will be hell to pay!
Bite me, Grandpa!
Feral little savages!
Love you, sweetie.
And when your poor parents have reached their limit...
We're here if you need us.
...I'll get your girls to sub in,
and I'll just let those wackos do their thing.
Baby girl!
Leo called me. He told me you were on the way home. Okay? We're going out.
- I have a surprise. - What?
This doctor is super legit.
It's like spiritual therapy with crystals,
so she massages your aura.
My God. We gotta clean this bitch up.
- I can't... - There's Jill.
Do you know you had a bunch of loose pretzels
underneath your bed?
Like, what are you doing, feeding a stray cat?
Whisper "cancer" into it. It'll reverse.
- Cancer. - Do you feel that
- leaving your body? - Here, hold this.
Oh, no, no, no. Not again. Not again.
I know I should've done this the last time I was here.
I mean, the things you put in your body
can be just as impactful as any drugs, you know?
I restocked your kitchen.
Meth and sugar, same thing.
At this point, you might start feeling a little sorry for yourself.
- Is that for Goodwill? - I mean, it smells like
it's from Goodwill.
Ahh...
Louder. From deep down, okay?
You want the cancer to leave or not?
Ahh!
- Uh, yeah. - I think we should take those out.
- Sure, yeah. Put 'em in here. - Yeah.
And think you've suffered enough,
but you'd be wrong.
Truth is, all this stuff is fun and games
compared to what cancer's actually like.
John. Frances.
Give it to me.
You can't even begin to understand how that feels.
But that's the point of Empathy 101, to teach you.
We'll call this your final exam.
You're out of your fucking mind.
Hello, it's Leo.
- Oh. Hi, Leo. It's Cece. - Oh. Hey, Cece.
Where's-- where's Wren?
Well, to be real with you,
- she's losing her hair. - Oh. Oh. Oh, fuck!
- I should come get her. - Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
- I got everything handled. - Are you sure? 'Cause I--
She'll hit you up later, all right?
- Okay. I'm thinking of giving-- - Uh-huh. Bye.
Come on, now. It's just hair. It will grow back.
Yeah, it's gonna take a really long time.
You've got nothing but time, okay?
Unlike most people.
Okay. Okay.
I'm sorry, but I can't do it.
I'm sorry. I just...
I just-- I can't do it.
Okay?
- Who's there? - It's me.
Why is the door locked? Oh, I have a key.
No, wait. Don't come in yet.
Why? What's-- What's going on?
Just-just wait a second.
Can-can you-- Can you come back in, like, an hour?
- Two! - Two hours?
Jill?
What's going on in there?
Nothing!
Laurel? Okay, that--
That's it. I'm coming in.
No, Wren. Don't!
Look! Laurel and I are twinsies!
We're "two balls"!
Get it? It's like cue balls.
Is she okay?
She's drunk.
- Yeah. - Really, really drunk.
Yeah. So she--
It was the only way that she was gonna do it.
And I'm drunk too, so...
Oh, my God.
Okay. Come here, baby.
Oh, God.
You guys, why did you do this?
- I don't know. - I like it. Badass.
Because we're in this together.
If you are bald, we are bald.
Why aren't you bald?
I thought I saw, um, a clump of hair on the ground,
but it was just one of Leo's hamsters.
Huh. Well, that kinda sucks for us.
Ooh, I can just shave yours
right after I'm done with Cece's.
Yeah. I mean, your hair's gonna fall out eventually, right?
Let me do yours before you pass out.
Am I still bald?
Yeah.
I'm gonna scare my baby.
Oh, okay. I'm ready.
No. You-you don't have to, really.
Ah, I can feel my brain.
No, you can't.
- It's not big enough. - I can.
All right. Let's go.
- No! - I really hope I don't have
one of those lumpy heads, like--
Ah! Flashback.
Stop it. You're freaking Cece out.
I can't help it! I look scary!
You look sensational, okay?
It was my crowning beauty.
Can we do this, please?
No!
No, stop!
I don't have cancer!
Ugh, not this again.
I swear. I don't!
I lied.
I'm perfectly healthy.
I always have been. I ne-- I never had cancer.
I lied to you guys.
Are you fucking kidding me?
I didn't mean to. It just--
It just sort of happened. I blurted it out
because I could-- I could feel that we were growing apart,
and I just...
I got so sad...
and I didn't wanna lose you, guys.
And I, I told you I had cancer, but I...
I was just...
I lied,
and I've been lying this whole time.
I'm so--
I'm so sorry.
Get out.
- Cece, I'm-- - Get out.
Get out!
Hello. How about some orange?
You want orange fur?
You're such a pretty bunny.
I love you.
Hey there, Pepper.
Hey.
You look homeless.
What-what are you trying to do,
scare the cancer away?
I don't have cancer.
That's astonishing.
You were cured that quickly?
I never had cancer.
I made it up.
I lied.
Are you serious, Pepper?
What the shit?
What, what, what, what kind of bitch-ass punk
lies about having cancer?
What the-- What is wrong with you?
Malcolm, the kids.
The kids think you suck, you freakin' hypocrite!
Just-- just get the hell out!
For what it's worth,
I am sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. You are sorry.
You're a sorry ass little fucker!
Get the fuck out of here,
and don't come back until you're fucking terminal!
Jesus!
I have a treat for you today.
Now, these bad boys are the top-of-the-line, baby.
I'm bringing you top-of-the-line rodents, all right?
These bad boys are groomed every day.
They only eat organic,
and they only drink fresh spring Evian water.
So, jobless and friendless.
Now what?
What, you're mad at me now too?
Why, because I didn't shave my head?
You-- you don't get it.
You think you're being a good friend by helping your friends
not sleep through their life or whatever,
but the only person you care about is you.
Well, that's not true.
It's not. I love my friends.
Oh, you love them so much
you couldn't even shave some fucking hair?
Charlize Theron did it for a movie.
I don't have her bone structure!
Dude, whatever.
You wanna be 17 again
and hang out with all your pals?
Well, you can't.
Get over it.
I wanna be healthy.
We all got our own shit, all right?
You wanna be a good friend,
think about someone else for once.
Okay, you know what?
That's enough, all right? I-- I don't need this.
Leo?
Hey.
You know you ain't gotta sit here, right?
My fam's on the way.
Are you gonna be okay?
Look, I probably got as much of a chance
of living a normal life as you do.
- I screwed up. - Hey--
I lied about having cancer.
What's wrong with me?
Uh...
I mean, there's definitely some good shit
going on in there, personality-wise.
I mean, you're not evil.
Just, your moral compass is a little fucked.
You know?
I mean, but you, you care about your friends, right?
- Yeah. Mm. - To a psychotic degree.
Actually, now that I think about it,
ever since we became pals, I can't get rid of your ass.
I mean, seriously. I've never seen someone
go to those kind of extremes to reconnect with buddies.
You're definitely crazy.
But it's more like kooky crazy.
You're not, like, psycho freaky crazy.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
I know.
Ce!
Hey! Don't freak out. I just wanna talk to you.
- I just-- I wanna apologize. - We're gonna go in the kitchen,
and we're gonna eat whatever you want.
Wait, don't go! No, no, no. Wait.
I-- I just wanna say...
Ce, I'm sorry!
- Laurel! - Ah!
Walk it off.
You can keep knocking me down until you feel better.
I'm atoning!
All I care about is, are we gonna get paid?
Jill, I'm sorry.
Did you hear me? I love your wig!
I'm bald!
I shaved my head for you!
When have you ever done anything like that for anyone?
You're so selfish.
And I'm bald!
What was I saying?
Remind me, Amanda!
You-- Pay. Pay--
- You're worth more. - Obviously.
Psst! Leo.
I'm giving you some liver.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
I don't want your crazy-ass liver.
No. Wait, wait. What--
Did you know livers could grow back?
How screwy is that?
They're gonna give you a slice of mine
because yours is all tumored up,
but it's cool because it'll just grow back.
I hope that I can't feel it growing back.
- That would be screwy. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, I do not want your crazy-ass liver.
Relax. It's not like they're giving you a slice of my brain.
Besides, it's too late.
I already signed the paperwork, so if you don't take it,
they'll just give it to somebody else.
And if you thought that I was annoying before,
wait till you see what I'm like when I find out
that you didn't accept my liver slice.
- Stop saying that. - Liver slice.
- Stop. Stop calling it that. - Liver slice. Liver slice.
- Wait. - Mm.
Why are you doing this?
Leo, I just really, really
did not want to shave my head.
So I guess this means that I'm stuck
with your ass forever, huh?
Yep. LTF, motherfucker!
Liver Twins for Life!
Fuck.
All right. Honey, I don't mean to be insensitive here,
but I wish he could've gotten someone disease-free
to give him a--
Oh, that's nice.
A liver.
- Or whatever you gave him. - A slice.
Liver slice.
Yeah. Okay.
It's disgusting in here.
I hope you don't bring boys back here.
Oh, yeah, Mom.
Looking forward to crushing a lot of D right now.
Oh, great. Just lean back.
- Just lean back. All right. - Mm-hmm.
- Easy. - Mm-hmm.
Easy!
Uh-huh. All right, now I'm gonna get your feet.
I got your feeties.
I remember having an episiotomy
and those stitches weren't fun either, honey.
I know. I know.
But they're sturdier than you think they're gonna be.
All right, on the count of three.
One, two...
Three! Shit.
All right.
Shit. Sorry!
Okay.
I stepped on your chips, and I'm sorry.
All right, you want me to Postmates some chili?
Yeah.
At the tone, please record your message.
Press one for more options.
Ce, hey. It's me.
I guess I just needed to hear your voice.
I forgot that you have an automated message,
so that's a bummer.
Jill speaking.
Just kidding. Leave a message. I'm busy.
Jill...
I know that you're looking at your phone right now
as I call you from my phone.
And that makes me feel connected to you.
You know,
through our phones.
Message deleted.
To record, please press...
Laurel here. Leave a message,
or just text me like a normal person.
I just, um...
I just, uh...
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
Again.
Hey, what's up?
I have to do something about this.
Yeah. You got any ideas?
I do, actually.
Wren?
Oh. Fresh.
Um, you ready? Daddy's waiting.
Wren, move your ass, for Christ's sake.
- Late as usual. - Fred, she just had surgery.
Was it on her legs? No. It was not.
Okay, um, you guys go ahead.
I'm just gonna take a minute.
You better reign in your anger, Mr. Pepper.
Were you smoking pot in there?
Damn right, I was.
It's the only way I'm gonna get through this crazy mess.
- How's your liver? - Good.
- Yours? - Good.
Actually,
I'm pretty sure I can feel it regenerating as we speak.
For fuck's sake.
Um, thank you everyone for coming.
You're probably wondering why you're here.
I'm actually surprised at how many of you showed up.
I figured most of you wouldn't come,
but luckily for me,
you're here, and I was wrong. Yay.
I did something wrong.
Very wrong. I, um...
So wrong that I'm actually embarrassed to say it out loud.
Rambling. Rambling.
But I will say it. I, um...
Hey, speak up. We can't hear ya.
I don't have cancer.
I never did. I...
I lied.
I never meant for it to get so out of hand.
Oh!
I also didn't do anything to stop it.
I, I-- I can sense that
you're all starting to get a little agitated,
which is completely understandable. I...
never should've done that.
Sorry to-- Sorry to interrupt,
but, uh, we-- we have something to say.
Um...
Uh, we've known Wren for most of our lives.
You know, when you bank that many years with someone,
you kind of figure that you got 'em all figured out
and there are no big surprises left,
so if you guys are pissed,
imagine how we feel.
- You know? - I shaved my head. No reason.
- We're super pissed. - She's bald?
And disappointed, and hurt,
but you know what we realized?
It's not all that bad
because you know what the good news is
when you find out that someone can still surprise you?
It's that they can still surprise you.
Like, in a good way.
Like if somebody can surprise you negatively,
then they also can probably surprise you positively.
Jill, shh. Shh.
I'm sorry. These people have faces that tell me
they don't comprehend...
- They don't comprehend much. - Okay. Okay.
So the point is, y-you should be mad at Wren
because she deserves it.
And honestly, the damage she's done
is probably gonna take decades to repair.
But the point is,
she does wanna repair it,
so why don't we just let her try?
Okay. Um...
Uh, where was I?
You just finished telling us that, uh, you lied
about having a fatal disease that kills millions every year
and devastates millions more, but that you didn't intend to.
Right.
Thank you, Dad.
Love you, sweetie.
I would also really like to return
all of your incredibly generous donations.
I'll be honest with you,
I wanted to just Venmo you guys or write a bunch of checks
from the safety of my apartment
where I didn't have to look at anyone
and see them staring at me the way that you guys
are all staring at me right now.
I made a mistake, and I'm trying to atone.
So...
I stand here before you today extremely apologetic
- and embarrassed-- - Just shut up
and give us the dough, yo!
Got it. Thank you for your time.
Tell Jill I think she looks great bald.
Come on, honey.
I'm sorry.
Fuck you.
Again, I am sorry.
Hey.
How's it going?
Well, someone just told me
that I'm the world's most accomplished jackass,
but that was my dad,
and I'm pretty sure he was just blowing off some steam.
Thanks for coming.
You're not off the hook, Wren. We're still really mad,
but it's possible you weren't wrong about everything.
You know, spending all that time together was nice.
I forgot how much I missed us,
even if one of us is a big asshole.
You're the asshole.
Just give us a minute.
I can do that.
How did you guys know to come?
Oh, Leo.
He told us what you did with the, uh, the liver slice.
He also said all that stuff about
friends choosing each other, and that was pretty convincing.
- Bye. - Still angry.
I love this look. I'm so much faster now.
Remember when we used to drag race your car
down the street in high school?
I don't know, man. This is a minivan.
- Whoo! Yeah! - Yeah!
Oh, come on. That was, like, an invitation.
Whoo!
Hey, Wren, there is one more thing
- you can do to atone. - What?
Oh, God.
What's the big deal, Wren? It's just hair.
Okay, here we go.