THEY FOUND WHERE HE
CLAIMED TO BE HALF BLACK AND HALF CAUCASION.
>> HE'S RENEWED FRAUD CHARGES IN BRAZIL, ACCUSED OF PAYING USING
A STOLEN CHECKBOOK. >> HE IS A EXULSIVE LIAR.
>> I'M GEORGE SAN STOS AND HAVE I ONLY ONE THING TO SAY.
I'M GEORGE SANTOS AND I PAID FOR
THIS AD WITH A CHECKBOOK STOLEN IN BRAZIL.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: KEVIN AND HELL!
AND FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: QUINTA BRUNSON
AND TOM PAPA. FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE
LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: HEY!
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT
THERE UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY 2023, EVERYBODY!
HOPE ITS HE A GOOD ONE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU MADE ANY
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. AR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
>> NOT REALLY BUT I MADE TWO-- TO DRINK LESS,
AND NOT GLOAT WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO KEVIN McCARTHY.
(LAUGHTER) 0 FOR TWO.
BECAUSE, MY FRIENDS, YOU ARE MY FRIENDS,
IT'S BEEN A DAY OF PURE UNCUT PERUVIAN BLUE-FLAKE
SCHADENFREUDE WATCHING THE G.O.P. STAB EACH OTHER IN THE
THROAT, AND TONIGHT, I'LL PEEL BACK THE MANY LAYERS OF
STUPIDITY, IN A DRAMA WE'RE CALLING "ASS ONION: A KEV'S OUT
MYSTERY." LET ME SET THE STAGE.
NOW LET ME SEE. I MIGHT JUST BE A LOUISIANA
PROFESSOR. LET ME SET THE STAGE FOR US.
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE 118th CONGRESS.
FUN FACT: BEFORE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE HOUSE, THEY HAVE
TO SELECT A SPEAKER. SNA THAT IS THE RULER.
McCARTHY HAS LONG DREAMED OF THE JOB, AND WHEN REPUBLICANS WON
CONTROL IN NOVEMBER, HE SEEMED LIKE A SHOE-IN.
BUT, KEVIN McCARTHY HAS ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS-- HIS WEAKNESS.
AND, AS OF THIS TAPING, HE IS IS THIS STILL TRUE, HE IS
STILL NOT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SWING AND A MISS. HE NEEDS 218 VOTES TO WIN, BUT
IN THE FIRST TWO VOTES, HE GOT ONLY 203.
OKAY, HE LOST TWICE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,
THIRD TIME'S A "HE ALSO LOST." MATTER OF FACT, THE THIRD TIME,
IS THIS TRUE, THE THIRD TIME McCARTHY ENDED UP WITH EVEN
FEWER VOTES THAN THE FIRST TWO ROUNDS.
>> NO, NO. OUCH.
BUT REMEMBER, THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN
WINNING OR LOSING. THERE'S MAKING FUN OF KEVIN
McCARTHY FOR LOSING. BECAUSE HE DID LOSE.
THEY ADJOURNED FOR THE DAY WITH NO SPEAKER, RIGHT, THEY ARE
GONE, THEY CALLED IT. AND
THIS IS AN HISTORIC DE-PANTSING, BECAUSE A SPEAKER VOTE HAS
NOT GONE TO EVEN A SECOND BALLOT IN A CENTURY.
THAT WAS BACK IN 1923, WHEN THE HOUSE DEADLOCKED OVER THE
RADICAL AND CONTROVERSIAL CANDIDACY OF CONGRESSMAN FLAPPER
JAZZMAN. SO FAR, McCARTHY IS NOT BACKING
DOWN. HIS PLAN APPEARS TO BE TO
CONTINUE VOTING, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IN A BID TO WEAR DOWN HIS
DETRACTORS UNTIL HE GETS THE GAVEL.
YOU KNOW, KEVIN, YOU CAN JUST BUY A GAVEL.
I DID. AND I FIND YOU GUILTY!
STILL GOT YOU. STILL GOT YOU
AFTER THE FIRST DISASTROUS VOTE, KEVIN McCARTHY TRIED TO STAY
POSITIVE, WALKING AROUND WITH A BIG FAKE GRIN ON WHAT SOME
HISTORIANS ARE CALLING HIS "FACE."
WOW, IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY ENJOYS WATCHING
KEVIN McCARTHY GET HUMILIATED. MAYBE HE REALLY DOES UNDERSTAND
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! BUT McCARTHY'S ALLIES SEEMED
PREPARED FOR THE LONG HAUL, WITH ONE SAYING, "IF THEY THINK THIS
IS GOING TO BE A GAME OF CHICKEN, TO SEE WHO'S GOING TO
BLINK FIRST, THEY'RE GOING TO BE SADLY SURPRISED."
REALLY? YOU KNOW A GAME OF CHICKEN DOES
NOT INVOLVE BLINKING, RIGHT? ARE YOU THINKING OF A STARING
CONTEST WITH A CHICKEN? BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE SADLY
SURPRISED. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE
INTERNET, TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, CHICKENS DO NOT BLINK.
DON'T DO IT. BOY, THIS GUY'S CHICKEN METAPHOR
TURNED OUT TO BE A REAL CANARY IN A CHINA SHOP.
WHAT MAKES KEVIN'S ANGUISH PARTICULARLY DELICIOUS IS THAT
IT'S NO SECRET THAT HE HAS DREAMED OF BEING SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE FOR YEARS. REPORTEDLY, INTERNS IN HIS
OFFICE ARE ALREADY EXPECTED TO CALL HIM "MR. SPEAKER," AND THIS
WEEKEND, STAFFERS WERE SEEN MOVING HIS BOXES INTO THE
SPEAKER'S OFFICE. I WOULDN'T BE IN A HURRY TO
UNPACK. HE MAY NOT BE GREAT AT COUNTING
VOTES, BUT HE'S GOOD AT COUNTING CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH.
LITTLE ADVICE, ONCE THEY DO HATCH, KEVIN, DO NOT GET
IN A STARING CONTEST WITH THEM. YOU WILL LOSE.
AGAIN, UNTIL THEY SELECT A SPEAKER, NO ONE'S EVEN ALLOWED
TO BE SWORN IN. WHICH MIGHT BE A GOOD THING,
BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND
KID AT THE SLUMBER PARTY WHO'D RATHER HANG UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR
MOM... GEORGE SANTOS.
SANTOS JUST GOT ELECTED IN NEW YORK, AND WE RECENTLY
LEARNED THAT DURING THE CAMPAIGN, HE LIED ABOUT-- AND
I'M ROUNDING DOWN HERE-- EVERYTHING.
GRAB A SNACK. THIS MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE.
FOR STARTERS, DURING HIS CAMPAIGN, SANTOS CLAIMED TO HAVE
ATTENDED BOTH BARUCH COLLEGE AND NEW YORK UNIVERSITY, BUT NEITHER
SCHOOL COULD LOCATE RECORDS TO VERIFY HIS CLAIMS.
SO, HE MAY NOT HAVE GRADUATED, BUT HE DID GET HIS B.S.
AND IT'S NOT JUST HIGHER ED. SURE, WHY NOT.
SANTOS CLAIMED HE ATTENDED A PRESTIGIOUS HIGH SCHOOL IN
NEW YORK, BUT A SPOKESMAN THERE SAYS THAT SCHOOL ALSO HAD NO
RECORD OF HIS ATTENDING. IT'S ONE THING TO LIE ABOUT YOUR
COLLEGE, BUT LYING ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL IS SAD.
NEXT, WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT HE FABRICATED HIS TRANSCRIPT AT
KINDERGARTEN. COME ON GEORGE, IS THIS EVEN
YOUR MACARONI NECKLACE? I JUST--
(APPLAUSE) IT'S REAL.
SANTOS ALSO LIED ABOUT WORKING AT CITIGROUP AND GOLDMAN SACHS,
BACKTRACKING LATER, SAYING THE LANGUAGE IN HIS REÉSUMEÉ STATEDE
HAD WORKED "FOR," NOT "ON" OR "AT" OR "IN."
OKAY, EXCEPT THAT "FOR" IS THE PREPOSITION THAT MOST MAKES IT
SEEM LIKE YOU WORKED "FOR" A COMPANY.
"NO, NO, I SAID I CHEATED 'WITH' REBECCA.
NOT 'IN' OR 'AT.' THOUGH, SOMETIMES 'UNDER.'"
YOU GUYS WANT MORE LIES? SCHEERS PLAWS.
>> Stephen: I NEVER ASKED THAT QUESTION BEFORE.
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK. BECAUSE SANTOS ALSO ADMITTED TO
LYING WHEN HE CLAIMED THAT HE OWNED 13 DIFFERENT PROPERTIES,
WHEN IN REALITY, HE RESIDES AT HIS SISTER'S PLACE IN
HUNTINGTON. WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN WHEN HE SAID
THE PROPERTIES WERE BOARDWALK, BALTIC AVENUE, MARVIN GARDENS,
AND A SCOTTIE DOG THE SIZE OF A TOP HAT.
SO, ALL OF THIS IS BAD AND SHOULD BE DISQUALIFYING FOR
PUBLIC OFFICE. BUT IT COULD BE WORSE.
AND IT IS. BECAUSE HE ALSO CLAIMED HIS
MOTHER DIED IN THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS, THEN CLARIFIED THAT SHE
PASSED AWAY A FEW YEARS LATER, THEN RECLARIFIED THAT SHE
ACTUALLY DIED IN DECEMBER 2016. THAT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO LIE
ABOUT. HIS POOR MOTHER MUST BE SPINNING
IN ALL OF HER GRAVES. SO, PRETTY BAD THAT HE LIED
ABOUT HIS MOM DYING ON 9/11. BUT THAT ALL SEEMS QUAINT WHEN
YOU LEARN THAT SANTOS SAID THAT HIS GRANDPARENTS SURVIVED THE
HOLOCAUST AS UKRAINIAN JEWISH REFUGEES, A CLAIM THAT IS NOT
SUPPORTED BY GENEALOGICAL RECORDS.
IN FACT, THEY WERE BORN IN BRAZIL.
SO, TECHNICALLY, THEY DID SURVIVE THE HOLOCAUST...
BY NEVER BEING IN EUROPE. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG LIE.
BUT SANTOS HAD A CLEVER OUT WITH THIS STATEMENT:
"I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE JEWISH. I AM CATHOLIC.
BECAUSE I LEARNED MY MATERNAL FAMILY HAD A JEWISH BACKGROUND,
I SAID I WAS 'JEW... ISH'." SURE.
IN FACT, IT'S A WHOLE SEPARATE RELIGION TO BE JEW-"ISH."
- YOU CELEBRATE ROSH HASHAN-"EH" - -
(APPLAUSE) AND HANNU-"KINDA," BY EATING
MATZAH-HAM SANDWICHES. THESE ARE ALL TERRIBLE LIES,
BUT LYING TO GET INTO OFFICE ISN'T ILLEGAL.
YOU KNOW WHAT IS? THIS NEXT THING.
BECAUSE BACK IN 2008, WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, SANTOS WENT TO
A SMALL CLOTHING STORE AND SPENT NEARLY $700 USING A STOLEN
CHECKBOOK AND A FALSE NAME. IN HIS DEFENSE, HE NEEDED
SOMETHING NICE TO WEAR TO HIS MOTHER'S TENTH FUNERAL.
SANTOS DENIES COMMITTING THE CRIME, BUT HE'S GOT AN UPHILL
BATTLE, BECAUSE IN THE LEGAL FILING, SANTOS IS IDENTIFIED BY
HIS FULL NAME AND DATE OF BIRTH, AS WELL AS BY THE NAMES OF HIS
MOTHER AND FATHER. ALSO, SANTOS CONFESSED TO THE
CRIME, AND THE ONLY REASON THE CASE REMAINED UNRESOLVED WAS
BECAUSE AUTHORITIES WERE LATER UNABLE TO LOCATE HIM.
SO, SANTOS IS ON THE LAM, AND HIS BRILLIANT IDEA WAS TO RUN
FOR CONGRESS? REMINDS ME OF THAT MOVIE:
"CATCH ME! YOU CAN!"
MAYBE, MAYBE. THE ONE EARLIER.
BUT DESPITE ALL OF HIS LIES COMING OUT, SANTOS'S CAMPAIGN
REMAINED DEFIANT, RELEASING THIS STATEMENT:
"AS WINSTON CHURCHILL FAMOUSLY STATED, 'YOU HAVE ENEMIES?
GOOD. IT MEANS THAT YOU'VE STOOD UP
FOR SOMETHING SOMETIME IN YOUR LIFE'."
WELL SAID. AND, IN TRUE SANTOS FASHION,
IT'S ALSO NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM WINSTON CHURCHILL.
AND HE RESPONDED TO THAT CONTROVERSY WITH THE FAMOUS
GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE: "YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!"
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE QUINTA BRUNSON AND TOM PAPA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO
MICHELLE OBAMA. RIGHT OVER THERE.
STICK AROUND. (APPLAUSE)
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I WAS OFFERING IT TO YOU!
HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOKIE HERE.
>> OH, MAN. >> Stephen: I'M HAPPY TO SAY,
WE ARE JOINED ONCE AGAIN WITH MICHELLE OBAMA.
YOU KNOW, MICHELLE-- IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT--
>> YES! YOU MAY.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN SO GENEROUS WITH THAT.
>> YOU'VE KNOWN ME LONG ENOUGH. >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND THE NICE THING IS THAT I HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU, ON
STAGE AND OFF, AND I'VE BEEN YOUR LOVELY HOME, AND YOU'VE
BEEN SO GRACIOUS AND SO, SO GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME.
BUT THE THING IS, IT'S HARD TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE IN LITTLE
SNIPPETS, YOU KNOW? EVEN THE TIME, QUALITY TIME
WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER. AND SO, HERE AT THE, AT THE
"LATE SHOW," THE TEAM, UP ON THE 75th FLOOR, HAVE PUT TOGETHER
THESE SCIENTIFICALLY-ENGINEERED QUESTIONS THAT--
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: OUR TEAM OF
PSYCHIATRISTS HAVE WRITTEN THESE QUESTIONS THAT ARE, THAT ARE
MEANT TO ACTUALLY PENETRATE THE SOUL OF SOMEONE, TO TRULY REVEAL
THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE... >> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ...MERELY BY ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: MICHELLE OBAMA, DO
YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO ANSWER THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT?"
>> YES, I DO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: MICHELLE OBAMA, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> GRILLED CHEESE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: YOU PUT BUTTER ON THE OUTSIDE?
HOW ARE YOU DOING IT? >> OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU BUTTER IT.
>> YOU BUTTER IT. IT'S GOT TO BE CRISP.
AND THE-- CHEDDAR. I LIKE CHEDDAR, IN MY GRILLED
CHEESE, YEAH. >> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW
OUT? >> OH!
IT WOULD BE SOME CLOTHES. YEAH, I HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM.
THAT'S ACCORDING TO MY HUSBAND. (LAUGHTER)
YES. >> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
CLOTHES. >> CLOTHING.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL?
>> SCARIEST ANIMAL? SNAKES.
EURGH! (CHEERS)
>> Stephen: OKAY. HAVE YOU EVER--
>> YOU SAID, "OH, WOW." >> Stephen: I SAID OH, WOW.
NO, I MEAN, SURE, THAT'S A PRIMAL ONE.
>> THEY'RE SCARY! >> Stephen: SNAKES.
SNAKES, SPIDERS. IS THERE-- HAVE YOU EVER
ENCOUNTERED A DANGEROUS SNAKE? >> YOU KNOW, I'VE COME CLOSE, ON
HIKES. I'VE BEEN TOLD.
>> Stephen: RATTLESNAKES, THAT SORT OF THING?
>> LIKE, A KING-- SOME KIND OF COBRA, KIND OF...
IT WASN'T, COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A COBRA.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: IT'S A COBRA!
>> IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A POISONOUS SNAKE, AND THE SECRET
SERVICE SAW IT AHEAD. SO THEY STOPPED ME, AND--
>> Stephen: THEY WRESTLED IT. >> THEY SAID, "MA'AM, YOU'VE GOT
TO STAY HERE." (LAUGHTER)
OH, WE WERE ON A HIKE AND A RATTLER CAME OUT AND WENT ACROSS
THE ROAD. YES.
>> Stephen: WOW. AND THEY ARRESTED IT.
(LAUGHTER) >> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? >> MMMMM!
>> Stephen: I TOLD YOU THEY'RE TOUGH.
>> ORANGES. REFRESHING!
>> Stephen: WHAT? THEY ARE REFRESHING.
GREAT SOURCE OF FIBER. >> CITRUS.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> OH! I AM NOT AN AUTOGRAPH PERSON.
SO, I'M SURE I HAVE, BUT... >> Stephen: SPORTS FIGURE,
ANYTHING LIKE THAT? >> NO!
I MEAN, I DON'T-- YEAH!
I GENERALLY THINK THAT GETTING SOMEBODY'S SIGNATURE IS KIND OF
LIKE-- WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT? >> Stephen: I KNOW.
(LAUGHTER) >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: THE FEW TIMES I'VE ASKED, I'VE REGRETTED IT.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WE GO TO HEAVEN.
OR, I DO. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: I'LL MISS YOU.
I WILL! THINK OF ME.
>> I WILL, I WILL. >> Stephen: THINK OF ME.
PUT IN A GOOD WORD. >> OKAY, I WILL.
>> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE?
>> OH... RECENT?
"JUMANJI." >> Stephen: SURE.
THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE. THE ROCK IN "JUMANJI," YEAH.
>> "BLACK PANTHER." >> Stephen: OH YEAH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW ONE? >> I HAVEN'T SEEN-- I HAVEN'T
SEEN THE NEW ONE YET. >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
WINDOW OR AISLE? >> WINDOW.
>> Stephen: OKAY. (CHEERS)
BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE VIEW. THERE YOU GO.
>> I JUST WANT TO BE... THIS WAY.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. FAVORITE SMELL?
>> MY HUSBAND. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL?
>> MMMM... POOP.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: IT'S CLASSIC.
>> YEAH. WHO LIKES THAT?
>> Stephen: CLASSIC. IT'S UP THERE WITH RATTLESNAKES.
CLASSIC. >> IT SEEMS PRETTY BASIC.
>> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE?
>> SONOS. MUSIC.
I PLAY MUSIC ALL THE TIME. >> Stephen: I DIG IT.
WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OF, THESE DAYS?
>> YOU KNOW, I AM REALLY REVISITING STEVIE WONDER'S
FULFILLING HIS FIRST FINALE. SO, CLASSIC.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH, I'VE BEEN KIND OF GROOVING
ON THAT. JUST BOUGHT TANK AND THE BANGAS'
NEW ALBUM, "RED BALLOONS." (CHEERS)
"RENAISSANCE," BEYONCEÉ. MY GIRL.
(CHEERS) >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS?
>> DOGS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I LOVE THE WAY THEY'RE INTO-- YOU GUYS ARE INTO IT.
YOU'RE GOOD. >> Stephen: YES.
YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT? >> SEE, THAT'S JUST WRONG.
>> Stephen: NOW WAIT A SECOND. (LAUGHTER)
I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT THIS-- >> ONE?
ONE SONG? >> Stephen: WELL, HERE'S THE
THING, IS YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY.
>> SEE, THAT JUST MAKES ME SAD THINKING ABOUT IT.
I'M ON AN ISLAND... >> Stephen: SO WHAT'S THE SONG
THAT KEEPS YOU FROM BEING SAD? BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE
TO LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY, BUT WHEN YOU DO GO, THIS IS THE
SONG. >> ALL RIGHT.
I HAVE TO GO WITH STEVIE, AND, IT'S NOT EVEN AN ALBUM?
IT'S JUST ONE SONG? >> Stephen: YEAH, ONE SONG.
>> OKAY, I WOULD PICK "AS." STEVIE WONDER'S "AS."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I
THINKING OF? >> FOUR.
>> Stephen: NO. (LAUGHTER)
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> FIVE WORDS? "FAMILY, FRIENDS, IN THE SUN."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS!
MICHELLE OBAMA, YOU ARE KNOWN. THANK YOU.
>> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "THE LIGHT WE CARRY"
IS AVAILABLE NOW. MICHELLE OBAMA, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ (APPLAUSE)
GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE,
EVERYBODY. (APPLAUSE)
DID YOU HAVE A NICE-- LOUIS WELCOME BACK, HAPPY 2023 TO YOU.
>> HAPPY 2023 TO YOU TOO. >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A
LOVELY BREAK. >> I DID.
HOW ABOUT YOU. >> Stephen: I WENT DOWN TO
SOUTH CAROLINA. ME AND THE FAMILY TRADED
DISEASES FOR A FEW WEEKS. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT YOU DO.
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. I SAW THAT, ANYBODY OVER THERE
YOU SEEN THAT, WHAT IS THAT, THAT AVATAR TWO MOVIE, YOU HAVE
SEEN THAT. >> I DIDN'T SEE IT.
>> Stephen: YEAH, I SAW IT. >> I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE
FIRST ONE. >> Stephen: EVERYBODY IS BLUE
AGAIN. >> STILL BLUE.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY IS STILL BLUE, EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO THE
BIG TREE THAT TALKS TO YOU. I SAW THE MOVIE.
I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING IN IT IT WAS TRULY ENJOYABLE.
WHALES, TALKING WHALES. >> THREW GO.
>> Stephen: WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT.
>> LIKE FLIP THARY CAN KILL YOU. ASK YOUR GRANDPARENTS WILL ABOUT
FLIPPER. (APPLAUSE)
GOOD THOUGH. WE GOT COMEDIAN TOM PAPA COMING
OUT IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. ALWAYS ENJOY HIM.
BUT FIRST LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN
EMMY-AWARD WINNING WRITER AND ACTOR.
SHE IS ALSO THE STAR AND CREATOR OF ABC'S "ABBOTT ELEMENTARY."
>> YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A LOT MORE THAN ONE CART OF BOOKS
TO BEAT MY KID. >> YES, I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT
THIS IS MY THIRD TRIP BACK FROM THE LIBRARY THIS MORNING.
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? >> WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO REVEAL
MY SECRET EARLIER BUT I FIGURED OUT HOW TO FIT TWO WEEKS OF MATH
LESSONS INTO NEXT WEEK WHICH MEAN THIS WEEK MY KIDS CAN
DEVOTE THEIR TIME TO READING. AND BEATING YOUR CLASS.
BEHOLD. OUR READING WONDERLAND.
FIGURED IF I COME FOR THE-- >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO
"THE LATE SHOW," QUINTA BRUNSON. (APPLAUSE)
>> HI. >> Stephen: NICE TO YOU HAVE
ON HERE. >> IT'S SO NICE TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: HAPPY 2023. >> HAPPY FREAKING 2023.
HAPPY NEW YEAR. >> Stephen: LISTEN, ARE YOU
READY FOR A NEW YEAR, BECAUSE 2022 WAS PRETTY GOOD TO QUINTA
BRUNSON, YOU WON AN EMMY, WERE YOU ONE OF TIME'S MOST 100
INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE. >> YES.
>> Stephen: A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
>> I KNOW. >> Stephen: ONE OF "PEOPLE"
MAGAZINE'S PEOPLE OF THE YEAR. ARE DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO
ONE UP THIS YEAR OR JUST GOING TO LET IT RIDE.
>> OPPOSITE, I'M GOING TO ONE DOWN IT I WANT TO GO, I WANT TO,
I WANT TO REST. LAST YEAR WAS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE
YEAR FOR NOT ONLY ME BUT MY CAST MEMBERS.
MY PRODUCTION, MY SHOW. MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS.
AND I, I LOVE SLEEP. TODAY I SLEPT BEFORE I CAME
HERE. I TOOK A NAP.
AND-- . >> Stephen: ARE YOU NORMALLY A
NAPPER. >> NO!
>> Stephen: YOU ARE NOT NORMALLY NAPPER.
>> I'M NOT NORMALLY A NAPPER. AND I DID ONE TODAY.
I DID A NAP. AND I DID IT FOR 30 MINUTES.
AND I WOKE UP. AND I WAS RECHARGED AND RENEWED
SO I KIND OF WANT TO GET INTO NAPS THIS YEAR.
THAT IS MY GOAL. SEE WHAT NAPS CAN DO.
DO YOU TAKE NAPS. >> Stephen: YEAH, I HAVE A
RECOMMENDATION. YOU ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH ANYONE, NOT THAT IS ANY OF MY BUSINESS.
>> I AM, MARRIED. WHY, ARE YOU INTERESTED?
>> Stephen: NO, I MARRIED INTO A FAMILY THAT DOESN'T NAP, AND
IT IS DIFFICULT. IF YOU NAP, ARE YOU SICK IN NO,
I'M NAPPING. >> I'M NAPPING.
WELL, I'M LEARNING THAT. I USED TO THINK IF YOU NAPPED
YOU WERE A W-U-S-S OR LOSER BUT NOW I AM LEARNING YOU CAN NAP
AND STILL BE A WINNER. >> Stephen: ARE YOU RECHARGING
FOR THE BEATLE, IS WHAT IT IS. >> YES, YES.
>> Stephen: STAR AND CREATOR-OF-ABBOTT ELEMENTARY
WHICH AS I SAID, YOU ARE WINNING.
THERE YOU ARE. AND NOW YOU ALSO WRITE ON THE
SHOW, RIGHT? >> YEAH, I'M IN THE WRITER'S
ROOM. >> Stephen: AND STAR ON THE
SHOW. DOES THE STAR OF THE SHOW EVER
LOOK AT THE WRITER QUINTA BRUNSON SCRIPT AND GO, SHE'S GOT
TO BE BETTER THAN THIS? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH, KINDA.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU. BECAUSE IT IS TWO DIFFERENT HATS
TWNS IS TWO DIFFERENT AND I'M ALSO A PRODUCER ON THE SHOW SO
THREE DIFFERENT BRAINS. PRODUCER, ME IS UP SET AT WRITER
ME FOR NOT BEING IN THE WRITER'S ROOM THIS WEEK.
AND PRODUCER ME IS ALSO UPSET AT ACTOR ME FOR HAVING SO MANY
DRINKS ON NEW YEAR'S BECAUSE IT WILL SHOW UP IN MY FACE ON
CAMERA WHEN I GET BACK TO SET. SO YEAH.
>> Stephen: PRODUCING YOU IS REALLY TOUGH ON THE OTHER TWO OF
YOU. >> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU GREW IN PHILLIE.
>> I GREW NEWSPAPER PHILLIE. >> YAYY.
>> Stephen: GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW?
>> YEAH, YEAH, THE SHOW WAS INSPIRED BY MY MOM-- WAS A
PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER. YES, YES.
AND I SPENT ALL MY TIME WITH HER IN THE SCHOOLS, I WAS IN HER
CLASS AND TO NIFT GRADE I WENT TO THE SCHOOL SHE TAUGHT AND I
WAS IN SCHOOL MORE THAN NORMAL PEOPLE WERE IN SCOOVMENT AND MY
MOM WASN'T JUST A MOM TO ME. SHE WAS A TEACHER.
AND SHE WASN'T JUST A TEACHER TO ME, SHE WAS A FULLY FORMED
PERSON. SO I THINK I GOT TO SEE MORE OF
IT AND PHILADELPHIA IS ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL PLACES IN THE
WORLD. I'M BIASED BUT I THINK IT IS A
SPECIAL CITY WITH A LOT OF HEART AND A LOT OF LOVE AND A LOT OF
CRAZY MASCOTS THAT ARE UGLY AND MAKE NO SENSE.
BUT I THINK THAT KIND OF LIKE REPRESENTS OUR CITY WELL.
SO I THINK A SHOW IN PHILLIE SEEMED APPEALING BECAUSE I FELT
WE COULDN'T MAKE THAT KIND OF SCHOOL SHOW ANYWHERE ELSE.
>> Stephen: SO YOUR MOM IS A TEACHER.
DID YOU WERE A GOOD STUDENT OR DID YOU REBEL.
>> YEAH, I REBELLED, SO I WAS GOOD, I WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD
UP UNTIL AROUND 7th GRADE. THAT IS WHEN IT STARTED TO GO
DOWN HILL BECAUSE MY SISTER STARTED DOING MY HAIR.
A I WAS A DWEEP, A NERD, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT
THEN MY SISTER STARTED PERMING MY HAIR AND GIVING ME BOBS SO I
HAD A LITTLE BOB, YOU NO HE WHAT A BOB IS.
>> Stephen: I DO KNOW WHAT I BOB IS.
>> SO I HAD A LITTLE BOB AND I WAS SCEUT.
AND I HAD LIKE A SEIZE ON THAT MOMENTS.
SO THEN. >> Stephen: SO THEN SCHOOL CAN
WAIT. >> SO THEN BOYS STARTED LIKING
ME AND STUFF AND THEN I STARTED, THAT WAS TROUBLE.
AND I GOT BACK UP. I WAS BACK ON THE UP AND UP.
AND THEN 9th GRADE, WHAT HAPPENED, CHEERLEADER, I STARTED
CUTTING SCHOOL. IT WAS A WHOLE STORY BUT YOU
KNOW WHAT, MY GRADES NEVER SLIPPED AND I THINK THAT WAS THE
IMPORTANT PART. YOU CAN CUT SCHOOL AND KEEP YOUR
GRADES UP. THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO TELL
AMERICA. >> Stephen: A MESSAGE OF HOPE.
I CUT SCHOOL ONCE, I CUT SCHOOL ONCE, NOT THAT THIS IS ABOUT ME,
BUT I CUT SCHOOL ONCE BECAUSE MY MOM WAS OUT OF TOWN AND I GOT
HER TO WRITE A NOTE, STEPHEN HAS PERMISSION TO GO TO CHOIR Q YOU
BUT I GOT HER TO USE AN HE RAISE AM NOTE AND I WROATS STEPHEN IS
SICK. >> THAT IS DIABOLICAL.
>> Stephen: I HAD THAT IN MY POCKET AND I WAS SO BORED.
>> WERE YOU BOARD. >> Stephen: BECAUSE NO ONE
ELSE STAYED HOME T WAS JUST ME. >> NOT ME, I WAS TURNING UP.
I WENT HOME, I WOULD WALK AROUND PHILADELPHIA, THIS IS HISTORICAL
STIVMENT I ONLY LEARNED THAT BECAUSE I CUT SCHOOL BUT I WOULD
HAVE LEARNED THAT-- . >> Stephen: IF YOU STAY IN
SCHOOL YOU LEARN ABOUT PHILADELPHIA.
>> I WOULD HAVE LEARNED. THERE WAS AN UNDERGROUND
RAILROAD STOP IN PHILLIE. I LEARNED THAT BY CUTS SCHOOL.
AND THEN I WON'T HOME AND I WATCHED THE SAME TWO MOVIES OVER
AND OVER, DRUM LINE AND SPIDERMAN GAVE ME A REAL LOVE OF
THE ART OF FILM AND I WATCHED THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER.
AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BP ABLE TO DO THAT IF I DIDN'T CUT SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: THERE ST. >> DOES THAT MAKE SENSE.
>> Stephen: 1 MUN%. WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE QUINTA BRUNSON, EVERYBODY.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH STAR OF "ABBOTT
ELEMENTARY," QUINTA BRUNSON. >> Stephen: "ABBOTT ELEMENTARY"
ABBOTT ELEMENTARY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN, YOU USE TERMS THAT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL. >> LET'S DO IT.
>> Stephen: I WILL WALK THROUGH WHAT THESE THINGS ARE.
AND I GUESS I WILL GUESS WHAT THEY MEAN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW,
OKAY. SO HERE IS A PHILLIE TERM, JONS
THAT A BOY'S NAME. >> IT IS NOT BUT IT CAN BE A BOY
OR A GIRL SCZ WHAT SAY JON. >> OR THIS.
>> IT IS I PERSON, PLACE, THING OR IDEA, SOMEONE CALL IT A NOUN.
THE ONLY THING-- YO, IT'S JOHN CRAZY.
>> Stephen: ANYBODY FROM PHILLIE OVER THERE.
>> ANYBODY FROM PHILLIE. >> Stephen: THAT CHECK OUT.
>> YEAHIR SEE THAT BEARD, HE IS FROM PHILLIE.
>> Stephen: OKAY. LET'S SEE, MACK MACHINE.
>> SO THIS ONE BREAKS MY BRAIN. >> Stephen: IS THAT A COMPUTE
TWERNS IS THE SAME THING AS AN ATM AND I FOUND OUT RECENTLY
MACK MACHINES ARE ONLY IN PHILADELPHIA SO ALL MY LIFE I
HAVE BEEN CALLING ATM'S MACK MACHINES AND IN L.A. WHERE I
LIVE AND PEOPLE LOOK AT MY CRAZY BUT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL RECENTLY
LIKE LAST WEEK THAT MACK MACHINES WERE NOT UNIVERSAL.
AND YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE MACK MACHINE.
>> Jon: YO THIS JOHN'S THE MACK MACHINE.
OKAY. LET'S GO TO THE NEXT ONE.
>> TECHNICALLY, YES. >> Stephen: WIT OUT, THAT
IS-- ON YOUR CHEESE SEAK. >> HOAGIE.
>> LOVE A HOAGIE. >> Stephen: BULL.
>> IT CAN BE BUL. >> SAY GUY.
>> Stephen: AM I BULL. >> SURE.
>> Stephen: ABBOTT ELEMENTARY HAIR AIRS WEDNESDAYS ON ABC.
NOT CBS. THAT'S QUINTA BRUNSON,
EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
COMEDIAN TOM PAPA.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.
THANKS FOR STAYING UP. FOLKS,
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHOSE LATEST STANDUP SPECIAL,
"WHAT A DAY!," IS ON NETFLIX NOW.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TOM PAPA.
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN, YOU VNTS BEEN HERE SINCE, NOT THAT I HAVE BEEN KEEPING
TRACK BUT 2018, FIVE YEARS. >> BEFORE THE TROUBLE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, SO REALLY THREE YEARS WHEN YOU ADD TWO TO
IT. >> Stephen: SOMEWHERE IN
THERE, EXACTLY. I COULD HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU OVER
ZOOM AND I WOULDN'T REMEMBER BECAUSE IT IS ALL JUST A BLUR,
THOSE YEARS. >> YEAH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT 2023, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT IT YET?
>> YEAH. YEAH.
, SO MUCH PRARYBURE.
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE IS YELLING AT YOU, IMMEDIATELY.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE FIRST WE CAN BACK.
YOU CAN DO MORE, YOU CAN BE BETTER.
ISN'T THIS ENOUGH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
HOW ABOUT CELEBRATING THE PEOPLE THAT KEPT US ALIVE THIS WHOLE
TIME, US. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
I MAID IT THIS FAR. SO WHAT WE ARE FAT, WHO CARES.
REALLY, I ALWAYS SAY, WE'RE ALL FAT.
EVERYBODY IS FAT. YOU ARE EITHER REALLY FAT, KINDA
FAT OR TRYING NOT TO BE FAT. EITHER WAY, FAT IS COMING.
>> Stephen: YOU MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS?
>> YEAH. I DO.
I HAVE A GOOD ONE THIS YEAR. I'M GOING TO TRY TO BE A LITTLE
DUMBER ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
>> I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. WE WORKED SO HARD FOR THE LAST
SEVERAL YEARS BEING AROUND DOCTORS AND OUR OWN WAR
CORRESPONDENTS AND STOCK BROKERS.
HOW ABOUT WE JUST GO BACK TO LIVING AND BEING A DUMBEE THAT
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
YOU CAN KNOW TOO MUCH IN THIS WORLD.
LIKE IF SOMEBODY GIVES YOU A COOKIE, YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK
ABOUT WHAT IS IN THAT COOKIE. ALL THAT BUTTER AND SUGAR AND
MADE WITH SOMEONE'S HANDS. SOMEONE'S HANDS.
THEY SAY LIKE IT IS A GOOD THING.
HERE SAY HANDMADE COULD BEINGIE. WITH THEIR HANDS WHEN THEY'RE
NOT SCRATCHING THEIR ASS OR PICKING THINGS OUT OF A DOG'S
MOUTH. THEY ARE MAKING YOU A COOKIE.
>> (LAUGHTER)
IF YOU KNOW TOO MUCH IN THIS WORLD, REALLY.
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY WIFE IS THINKING ABOUT MOST
THINGS MOST OF THE TIME. >> Stephen: REALLY, YOU'RE NOT
CURIOUS. >> NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
HOW AM I DOING? HOW IS OUR RELATIONSHIP?
IS THERE ANYTHING CAN I DO BETTER?
WHY WOULD I ASK THAT? (LAUGHTER)
WHAT ARE YOU HIGH? NO, THAT IS THE KEY TO MARRIAGE,
JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP GOING. >> Stephen: TRUE, JUST LIKE
THAT, YEAH. >> CAN I DO BETTER.
NO, PLEASE, I MEAN LOOK, LIFE IS DIFFICULT.
AND THERE IS A LOT OF THINGS IN MARRIAGE THAT ARE DIFFICULT.
YOU DON'T NEED TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS.
YOU GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY. YOU CAN IMAGINE.
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 22 YEARS, DO YOU KNOW WHY?
WE DON'T ASK THOSE QUESTIONS. REALLY?
AM I GOING TO GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY AND UNEARTH ALL OF THIS
STUFF? NO.
WHAT, ARE YOU HIGH? NOT GOING TO COUPLE'S THERAPY SO
WE CAN DIG THROUGH ALL OF THESE OLD PROBLEMS.
AND WHAT ARE YOU WORKING FOR, PERFECTION IN THERE IS NO
PERFECTION. WE'RE SOILD, 22 YEARS, WE'RE NOT
GOING TO BE PERFECT. I TELL MY WIFE, YOU'RE A MESS,
I'M A MESS. LET'S WATCH A SHOW.
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: SOUND ADVICE.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: SOUND ADVICE,
YEAH. >> I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU,
SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: SHE DOES NOT CARE
FOR YOU. >> SHE DOES NOT LIKE ME RIGHT
NOW. I DON'T KNOW, THE LAST THREE,
FOUR MONTHS, SHE HAS NOT BEEN A FAN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY. AND I'M NOT GOING TO FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: JUST GET A VIBE. >> YEAH, I GET A VIBE.
AND IT'S ALL RIGHT. SLEL'S COME BACK.
22 YEAR, YEAH, SHE'LL BE BACK. >> Stephen: MAYBE 2023 WILL BE
BETTER IN THAT REGARD. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN, I DIDN'T SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR
BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG YOU CAN DO THAT.
BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY SAID IT A COUPLE OF TIMES DON'T.
DO YOU BELIEVE, HOW LONG YOU CAN SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR.
>> I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF PRESSURE, YOU COME OUT, YOU HAVE
TO SAY IT TO EVERYBODY. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I LIKE TO GO DEEP WITH IT, I LIKE TO GO DEEP BECAUSE PEOPLE
ARE SO CONFUSED ABOUT TIME NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MONTHS IT IS SO I
LIKE TO TAKE IT O JULY. HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
PEOPLE ARE LIKE, IT MIGHTS BE. IT MIGHT BE.
>> Stephen: SOME CULTURES. >> YEAH.
>> I LIKE IT. YOU CAN USE IT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU. >> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Stephen: YOU SPENT THE HOLIDAYS WITH THIS GENTLEMAN
RIGHT HERE, TELL ME ABOUT, WHO IS THIS, TALK ABOUT HIM IN YOUR
NETFLIX SPECIAL, WHAT A DAY, IS THIS YOUR ONLY KID.
>> THAT IS FRANK, FRANK SAY PUG, AND IS HE NOT MY ONLY PET.
AND HE IS NOT EVEN MY PET. IT IS MY DAUGHTER'S PET.
AND I WAS VERY CLEAR IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP,
MY WIFE AND I THAT I DON'T WANT ANIMALS.
I DON'T, I LIKE THEM FROM AFAR. I LIKE A NICE ZOO.
I LIKE SEEING THEM IN MOVIES. DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEM.
AND THEY DIDN'T LISTEN THAT AT ALL.
AND THEY JUST KEEP BRINGING ANIMALS INTO THE HOUSE LIKE A
WEIRD NOAH'S ARC. WE'VE GOT FRANK THE PUG.
HE SNORES WHILE HE IS EATING. >> Stephen: THEY HAVE THAT
BREATHING ISSUES. >> WHAT ANIMAL DOES THAT HE IS A
SLEEP AND HE IS CHEWING. WE'VE GOT A GIANTS BLACK LAB
THAT CRAPS LIKE A MAN. >> Stephen: REALLY.
>> >> Stephen: CRAP WAS ASKING
DIRECTIONS. >> BALLS UP A NEWSPAPER, PUTS IT
UNDER THEIR ARM. WADDLES DOWN THE HALLWAY.
>> Stephen: I GOT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIS SAY
BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPH. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOU WITH-- TELL ME ABOUT THIS LOVELY
SOURDOUGH. >> THAT WAS JUST THE OTHER DAY.
>> Stephen: REALLY, THIS ISN'T 2020, THIS IS YOU-- ARE YOU
BEFORE COVID. >> YES, SOURDOUGH MAN?
>> YES. AND YOU KNOW, I SAW PEOPLE
COMING ON YOUR SHOW, YOUR FINE PROGRAM.
>> Stephen: JAKE, THAT JAKE GYLLENHAAL.
>> THAT GUY. >> HE CAME OP DURING THE
PANDEMIC, I'M REALLY INTO BAKING BREAD NOW.
HE WASN'T DOING QUINTON BUT IT CAME OUT THAT WAY.
>> Stephen: HE BET HE COULD DO A GREAT CLINTON.
FINE ACTOR. >> HE IS LIKE I'M ALL INTOIC
BAAING SOURDOUGH BREAD AND HI BEEN BREAKING BREAD FOR YEARS
LIKE WHEN ARE YOUINTO A BAND BEFORE EVERYONE KNOWS THEM THEN
EM LOVES THEM, THAT IS HOW I FELT WITH SOURDOUGH, ALL THESE
PEOPLE, I GUARANTEE YOU, JAISM GILL BE HAUL ISN'T BRAKING BREAD
TODAY. >> Stephen: WOW, YOU HEAR THAT
JAKE. >> YOU ARE DOING A MOVIE, GOING
TO BE BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON SHOW, AIR JORDAN ABOUT NIKE,
THERE YOU ARE. WITH MATT DAMON.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE.
>> UH-HUH. >> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY
FAT DAMON. SOMETIMES YOU GET FAT DAMON, ARE
THOSE GUYS FUDGE. >> MUST BE FUN TO DO I A MOVIE
WITHNESS I WORKED WITH MATT BEFORE BUT NEVER WITH BEN AND
MATT AT THE SAME TIME. BEN WAS DIRECTING AND IT WAS
REALLY COOL TO SEE. OLD FRIENDS, YOU YOU KNOW, FROM
KIDS AND THEY HAVE THIS SHORT HAND WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER IT
IS REALLY LIKE A COOL THING TO MUCH WHAT.
LIKE WATCHING BROTHERS WORKING ON A FILM.
AND YOU KNOW, THEY, BOSTON THING GETS A LITTLE OUT OF HAND BUT
THIS IS ABOUT NIKE, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BOSTON BUT EVERY ONCE
IN A WHILE YOU ARE HEAR MATT AND BEN I'M FROM HERE.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M FROM HERE.
WE'RE IN L.A. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
BUT THE FAT BEN OR FAT MALT. >> FAT MAT, THIS HAPPENED TO ME
ON ANOTHER FILM, WHERE I AM LOOKING AT FAT MATT Y IS HE MOT
MOVIE STAR, WE HAVE THE SIMILAR BODY.
>> Stephen: I WOULD SAY THOSE ARE SIMILAR PHYSIQUES.
>> BUT WHAT SUNDAY HIS SHIRTS, WE HAVE IS THE SAME BUILD, HE
HAS BEAN BAG BOOBS. >> Stephen: THAT IS NOT FIM.
>> THAT IS NOT FAT MATT, MATT IS NOT FAT, TOM IS FAT.
MATT DOESN'T MAKE BREAD. NO.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, EVERYBODY IS EITHER FAT, GETTING
FAT OR TRYING NOT TO GET FAT. >> EITHER WAY, FAT IS COMING.
>> Stephen: TOM PAPA. >> GREAT SEEING YOU.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT A DAY IS ON NETFLIX NOW.
TOM PAPA, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SHANIA TWAIN AND
AYO EDEBIRI. GOOD NIGHT.