1 00:00:17,617 --> 00:00:19,919 THEY FOUND WHERE HE 2 00:00:19,986 --> 00:00:22,055 CLAIMED TO BE HALF BLACK AND HALF CAUCASION. 3 00:00:22,122 --> 00:00:25,658 >> HE'S RENEWED FRAUD CHARGES IN BRAZIL, ACCUSED OF PAYING USING 4 00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:30,397 A STOLEN CHECKBOOK. >> HE IS A EXULSIVE LIAR. 5 00:00:30,463 --> 00:00:43,743 >> I'M GEORGE SAN STOS AND HAVE I ONLY ONE THING TO SAY. 6 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:58,691 I'M GEORGE SANTOS AND I PAID FOR 7 00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:17,377 I'M GEORGE SANTOS AND I PAID FOR 8 00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:18,978 THIS AD WITH A CHECKBOOK STOLEN IN BRAZIL. 9 00:01:19,045 --> 00:01:25,885 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 10 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:29,956 TONIGHT: KEVIN AND HELL! 11 00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:35,628 AND FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 12 00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:41,501 PUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: QUINTA BRUNSON 13 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:45,839 AND TOM PAPA. FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE 14 00:01:45,905 --> 00:01:52,078 LATE SHOW BAND! AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 15 00:01:52,145 --> 00:02:02,622 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 16 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:13,900 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: HEY! 17 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:20,940 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, 18 00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:22,609 WELCOME. WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT 19 00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:23,843 THERE UP THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD. 20 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,513 WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 21 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:35,088 HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY 2023, EVERYBODY! 22 00:02:35,154 --> 00:02:37,924 HOPE ITS HE A GOOD ONE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU MADE ANY 23 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,593 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. AR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. 24 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,162 >> NOT REALLY BUT I MADE TWO-- TO DRINK LESS, 25 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:50,470 AND NOT GLOAT WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO KEVIN McCARTHY. 26 00:02:50,537 --> 00:03:03,816 (LAUGHTER) 0 FOR TWO. 27 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,586 BECAUSE, MY FRIENDS, YOU ARE MY FRIENDS, 28 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:12,325 IT'S BEEN A DAY OF PURE UNCUT PERUVIAN BLUE-FLAKE 29 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:15,895 SCHADENFREUDE WATCHING THE G.O.P. STAB EACH OTHER IN THE 30 00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:19,766 THROAT, AND TONIGHT, I'LL PEEL BACK THE MANY LAYERS OF 31 00:03:19,832 --> 00:03:22,735 STUPIDITY, IN A DRAMA WE'RE CALLING "ASS ONION: A KEV'S OUT 32 00:03:22,802 --> 00:03:30,643 MYSTERY." LET ME SET THE STAGE. 33 00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:34,847 NOW LET ME SEE. I MIGHT JUST BE A LOUISIANA 34 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:36,649 PROFESSOR. LET ME SET THE STAGE FOR US. 35 00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,217 TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE 118th CONGRESS. 36 00:03:38,284 --> 00:03:39,686 FUN FACT: BEFORE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE HOUSE, THEY HAVE 37 00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:44,157 TO SELECT A SPEAKER. SNA THAT IS THE RULER. 38 00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:45,425 McCARTHY HAS LONG DREAMED OF THE JOB, AND WHEN REPUBLICANS WON 39 00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,527 CONTROL IN NOVEMBER, HE SEEMED LIKE A SHOE-IN. 40 00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:52,999 BUT, KEVIN McCARTHY HAS ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS-- HIS WEAKNESS. 41 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:58,871 AND, AS OF THIS TAPING, HE IS IS THIS STILL TRUE, HE IS 42 00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:05,178 STILL NOT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 43 00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:11,284 SWING AND A MISS. HE NEEDS 218 VOTES TO WIN, BUT 44 00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:15,121 IN THE FIRST TWO VOTES, HE GOT ONLY 203. 45 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,024 OKAY, HE LOST TWICE. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, 46 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:24,631 THIRD TIME'S A "HE ALSO LOST." MATTER OF FACT, THE THIRD TIME, 47 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:27,634 IS THIS TRUE, THE THIRD TIME McCARTHY ENDED UP WITH EVEN 48 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:31,738 FEWER VOTES THAN THE FIRST TWO ROUNDS. 49 00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:34,207 >> NO, NO. OUCH. 50 00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:36,376 BUT REMEMBER, THERE'S MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE THAN 51 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:39,312 WINNING OR LOSING. THERE'S MAKING FUN OF KEVIN 52 00:04:39,379 --> 00:04:46,285 McCARTHY FOR LOSING. BECAUSE HE DID LOSE. 53 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,855 THEY ADJOURNED FOR THE DAY WITH NO SPEAKER, RIGHT, THEY ARE 54 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,590 GONE, THEY CALLED IT. AND 55 00:04:50,657 --> 00:04:53,426 THIS IS AN HISTORIC DE-PANTSING, BECAUSE A SPEAKER VOTE HAS 56 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:56,562 NOT GONE TO EVEN A SECOND BALLOT IN A CENTURY. 57 00:04:56,629 --> 00:05:01,267 THAT WAS BACK IN 1923, WHEN THE HOUSE DEADLOCKED OVER THE 58 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,904 RADICAL AND CONTROVERSIAL CANDIDACY OF CONGRESSMAN FLAPPER 59 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:08,908 JAZZMAN. SO FAR, McCARTHY IS NOT BACKING 60 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,543 DOWN. HIS PLAN APPEARS TO BE TO 61 00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:16,783 CONTINUE VOTING, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IN A BID TO WEAR DOWN HIS 62 00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:19,052 DETRACTORS UNTIL HE GETS THE GAVEL. 63 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:23,222 YOU KNOW, KEVIN, YOU CAN JUST BUY A GAVEL. 64 00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:30,530 I DID. AND I FIND YOU GUILTY! 65 00:05:30,596 --> 00:05:37,370 STILL GOT YOU. STILL GOT YOU 66 00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,238 AFTER THE FIRST DISASTROUS VOTE, KEVIN McCARTHY TRIED TO STAY 67 00:05:39,305 --> 00:05:41,474 POSITIVE, WALKING AROUND WITH A BIG FAKE GRIN ON WHAT SOME 68 00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:48,314 HISTORIANS ARE CALLING HIS "FACE." 69 00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:51,117 WOW, IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY ENJOYS WATCHING 70 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,787 KEVIN McCARTHY GET HUMILIATED. MAYBE HE REALLY DOES UNDERSTAND 71 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:59,792 THE AMERICAN PEOPLE! BUT McCARTHY'S ALLIES SEEMED 72 00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:02,562 PREPARED FOR THE LONG HAUL, WITH ONE SAYING, "IF THEY THINK THIS 73 00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:05,898 IS GOING TO BE A GAME OF CHICKEN, TO SEE WHO'S GOING TO 74 00:06:05,965 --> 00:06:09,402 BLINK FIRST, THEY'RE GOING TO BE SADLY SURPRISED." 75 00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:12,171 REALLY? YOU KNOW A GAME OF CHICKEN DOES 76 00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:16,676 NOT INVOLVE BLINKING, RIGHT? ARE YOU THINKING OF A STARING 77 00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:21,581 CONTEST WITH A CHICKEN? BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE SADLY 78 00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,416 SURPRISED. BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE 79 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:31,324 INTERNET, TECHNICALLY SPEAKING, CHICKENS DO NOT BLINK. 80 00:06:31,390 --> 00:06:35,428 DON'T DO IT. BOY, THIS GUY'S CHICKEN METAPHOR 81 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,698 TURNED OUT TO BE A REAL CANARY IN A CHINA SHOP. 82 00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:42,935 WHAT MAKES KEVIN'S ANGUISH PARTICULARLY DELICIOUS IS THAT 83 00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:44,103 IT'S NO SECRET THAT HE HAS DREAMED OF BEING SPEAKER OF THE 84 00:06:44,170 --> 00:06:47,974 HOUSE FOR YEARS. REPORTEDLY, INTERNS IN HIS 85 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,712 OFFICE ARE ALREADY EXPECTED TO CALL HIM "MR. SPEAKER," AND THIS 86 00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:55,181 WEEKEND, STAFFERS WERE SEEN MOVING HIS BOXES INTO THE 87 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,351 SPEAKER'S OFFICE. I WOULDN'T BE IN A HURRY TO 88 00:06:58,417 --> 00:07:02,622 UNPACK. HE MAY NOT BE GREAT AT COUNTING 89 00:07:02,688 --> 00:07:10,263 VOTES, BUT HE'S GOOD AT COUNTING CHICKENS BEFORE THEY HATCH. 90 00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:14,300 LITTLE ADVICE, ONCE THEY DO HATCH, KEVIN, DO NOT GET 91 00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:19,305 IN A STARING CONTEST WITH THEM. YOU WILL LOSE. 92 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:20,473 AGAIN, UNTIL THEY SELECT A SPEAKER, NO ONE'S EVEN ALLOWED 93 00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:22,909 TO BE SWORN IN. WHICH MIGHT BE A GOOD THING, 94 00:07:22,975 --> 00:07:30,082 BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE IS REPUBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE AND 95 00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:32,752 KID AT THE SLUMBER PARTY WHO'D RATHER HANG UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR 96 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,887 MOM... GEORGE SANTOS. 97 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,824 SANTOS JUST GOT ELECTED IN NEW YORK, AND WE RECENTLY 98 00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:41,027 LEARNED THAT DURING THE CAMPAIGN, HE LIED ABOUT-- AND 99 00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:47,700 I'M ROUNDING DOWN HERE-- EVERYTHING. 100 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:48,835 GRAB A SNACK. THIS MIGHT TAKE A MINUTE. 101 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:53,072 FOR STARTERS, DURING HIS CAMPAIGN, SANTOS CLAIMED TO HAVE 102 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,776 ATTENDED BOTH BARUCH COLLEGE AND NEW YORK UNIVERSITY, BUT NEITHER 103 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:59,579 SCHOOL COULD LOCATE RECORDS TO VERIFY HIS CLAIMS. 104 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:04,217 SO, HE MAY NOT HAVE GRADUATED, BUT HE DID GET HIS B.S. 105 00:08:04,283 --> 00:08:10,556 AND IT'S NOT JUST HIGHER ED. SURE, WHY NOT. 106 00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:13,226 SANTOS CLAIMED HE ATTENDED A PRESTIGIOUS HIGH SCHOOL IN 107 00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:15,862 NEW YORK, BUT A SPOKESMAN THERE SAYS THAT SCHOOL ALSO HAD NO 108 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:20,132 RECORD OF HIS ATTENDING. IT'S ONE THING TO LIE ABOUT YOUR 109 00:08:20,199 --> 00:08:22,602 COLLEGE, BUT LYING ABOUT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL IS SAD. 110 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:25,304 NEXT, WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT HE FABRICATED HIS TRANSCRIPT AT 111 00:08:25,371 --> 00:08:28,608 KINDERGARTEN. COME ON GEORGE, IS THIS EVEN 112 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:38,251 YOUR MACARONI NECKLACE? I JUST-- 113 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:40,653 (APPLAUSE) IT'S REAL. 114 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:42,455 SANTOS ALSO LIED ABOUT WORKING AT CITIGROUP AND GOLDMAN SACHS, 115 00:08:42,521 --> 00:08:47,860 BACKTRACKING LATER, SAYING THE LANGUAGE IN HIS REÉSUMEÉ STATEDE 116 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:52,298 HAD WORKED "FOR," NOT "ON" OR "AT" OR "IN." 117 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:58,037 OKAY, EXCEPT THAT "FOR" IS THE PREPOSITION THAT MOST MAKES IT 118 00:08:58,104 --> 00:09:02,041 SEEM LIKE YOU WORKED "FOR" A COMPANY. 119 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,643 "NO, NO, I SAID I CHEATED 'WITH' REBECCA. 120 00:09:03,709 --> 00:09:10,383 NOT 'IN' OR 'AT.' THOUGH, SOMETIMES 'UNDER.'" 121 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:19,025 YOU GUYS WANT MORE LIES? SCHEERS PLAWS. 122 00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,494 >> Stephen: I NEVER ASKED THAT QUESTION BEFORE. 123 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,865 WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK. BECAUSE SANTOS ALSO ADMITTED TO 124 00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:29,335 LYING WHEN HE CLAIMED THAT HE OWNED 13 DIFFERENT PROPERTIES, 125 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,870 WHEN IN REALITY, HE RESIDES AT HIS SISTER'S PLACE IN 126 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,073 HUNTINGTON. WE SHOULD'VE KNOWN WHEN HE SAID 127 00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,810 THE PROPERTIES WERE BOARDWALK, BALTIC AVENUE, MARVIN GARDENS, 128 00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:40,513 AND A SCOTTIE DOG THE SIZE OF A TOP HAT. 129 00:09:40,579 --> 00:09:43,149 SO, ALL OF THIS IS BAD AND SHOULD BE DISQUALIFYING FOR 130 00:09:43,215 --> 00:09:45,885 PUBLIC OFFICE. BUT IT COULD BE WORSE. 131 00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,521 AND IT IS. BECAUSE HE ALSO CLAIMED HIS 132 00:09:48,587 --> 00:09:53,225 MOTHER DIED IN THE SEPTEMBER 11 ATTACKS, THEN CLARIFIED THAT SHE 133 00:09:53,292 --> 00:09:57,129 PASSED AWAY A FEW YEARS LATER, THEN RECLARIFIED THAT SHE 134 00:09:57,196 --> 00:10:00,366 ACTUALLY DIED IN DECEMBER 2016. THAT IS A HORRIBLE THING TO LIE 135 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,868 ABOUT. HIS POOR MOTHER MUST BE SPINNING 136 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:09,675 IN ALL OF HER GRAVES. SO, PRETTY BAD THAT HE LIED 137 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,711 ABOUT HIS MOM DYING ON 9/11. BUT THAT ALL SEEMS QUAINT WHEN 138 00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:14,680 YOU LEARN THAT SANTOS SAID THAT HIS GRANDPARENTS SURVIVED THE 139 00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:18,084 HOLOCAUST AS UKRAINIAN JEWISH REFUGEES, A CLAIM THAT IS NOT 140 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,653 SUPPORTED BY GENEALOGICAL RECORDS. 141 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,989 IN FACT, THEY WERE BORN IN BRAZIL. 142 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:27,159 SO, TECHNICALLY, THEY DID SURVIVE THE HOLOCAUST... 143 00:10:27,226 --> 00:10:30,730 BY NEVER BEING IN EUROPE. THAT'S A PRETTY BIG LIE. 144 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:33,032 BUT SANTOS HAD A CLEVER OUT WITH THIS STATEMENT: 145 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:35,601 "I NEVER CLAIMED TO BE JEWISH. I AM CATHOLIC. 146 00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:39,372 BECAUSE I LEARNED MY MATERNAL FAMILY HAD A JEWISH BACKGROUND, 147 00:10:39,438 --> 00:10:44,010 I SAID I WAS 'JEW... ISH'." SURE. 148 00:10:44,076 --> 00:10:49,849 IN FACT, IT'S A WHOLE SEPARATE RELIGION TO BE JEW-"ISH." 149 00:10:49,915 --> 00:11:02,995 - YOU CELEBRATE ROSH HASHAN-"EH" - - 150 00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:07,433 (APPLAUSE) AND HANNU-"KINDA," BY EATING 151 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:11,737 MATZAH-HAM SANDWICHES. THESE ARE ALL TERRIBLE LIES, 152 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:13,606 BUT LYING TO GET INTO OFFICE ISN'T ILLEGAL. 153 00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:17,043 YOU KNOW WHAT IS? THIS NEXT THING. 154 00:11:17,109 --> 00:11:19,845 BECAUSE BACK IN 2008, WHILE LIVING IN BRAZIL, SANTOS WENT TO 155 00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:23,616 A SMALL CLOTHING STORE AND SPENT NEARLY $700 USING A STOLEN 156 00:11:23,682 --> 00:11:27,887 CHECKBOOK AND A FALSE NAME. IN HIS DEFENSE, HE NEEDED 157 00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:33,959 SOMETHING NICE TO WEAR TO HIS MOTHER'S TENTH FUNERAL. 158 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,996 SANTOS DENIES COMMITTING THE CRIME, BUT HE'S GOT AN UPHILL 159 00:11:37,063 --> 00:11:40,266 BATTLE, BECAUSE IN THE LEGAL FILING, SANTOS IS IDENTIFIED BY 160 00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:43,436 HIS FULL NAME AND DATE OF BIRTH, AS WELL AS BY THE NAMES OF HIS 161 00:11:43,502 --> 00:11:46,138 MOTHER AND FATHER. ALSO, SANTOS CONFESSED TO THE 162 00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:49,909 CRIME, AND THE ONLY REASON THE CASE REMAINED UNRESOLVED WAS 163 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:53,579 BECAUSE AUTHORITIES WERE LATER UNABLE TO LOCATE HIM. 164 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:57,083 SO, SANTOS IS ON THE LAM, AND HIS BRILLIANT IDEA WAS TO RUN 165 00:11:57,149 --> 00:12:00,619 FOR CONGRESS? REMINDS ME OF THAT MOVIE: 166 00:12:00,686 --> 00:12:09,528 "CATCH ME! YOU CAN!" 167 00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:17,236 MAYBE, MAYBE. THE ONE EARLIER. 168 00:12:17,303 --> 00:12:19,105 BUT DESPITE ALL OF HIS LIES COMING OUT, SANTOS'S CAMPAIGN 169 00:12:19,171 --> 00:12:21,207 REMAINED DEFIANT, RELEASING THIS STATEMENT: 170 00:12:21,273 --> 00:12:22,875 "AS WINSTON CHURCHILL FAMOUSLY STATED, 'YOU HAVE ENEMIES? 171 00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:26,412 GOOD. IT MEANS THAT YOU'VE STOOD UP 172 00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:27,546 FOR SOMETHING SOMETIME IN YOUR LIFE'." 173 00:12:27,613 --> 00:12:31,117 WELL SAID. AND, IN TRUE SANTOS FASHION, 174 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:43,395 IT'S ALSO NOT AN ACTUAL QUOTE FROM WINSTON CHURCHILL. 175 00:12:43,462 --> 00:12:45,531 AND HE RESPONDED TO THAT CONTROVERSY WITH THE FAMOUS 176 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:49,602 GEORGE WASHINGTON QUOTE: "YOU'RE A WIZARD, HARRY!" 177 00:12:49,668 --> 00:12:51,237 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! 178 00:12:51,303 --> 00:12:54,907 MY GUESTS ARE QUINTA BRUNSON AND TOM PAPA. 179 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:57,543 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO 180 00:12:57,610 --> 00:13:00,379 MICHELLE OBAMA. RIGHT OVER THERE. 181 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:03,015 STICK AROUND. (APPLAUSE) 182 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:30,276 ♪ ♪ 183 00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:32,344 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHY I WAS OFFERING IT TO YOU! 184 00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:33,579 HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOKIE HERE. 185 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,980 >> OH, MAN. >> Stephen: I'M HAPPY TO SAY, 186 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,383 WE ARE JOINED ONCE AGAIN WITH MICHELLE OBAMA. 187 00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:42,054 YOU KNOW, MICHELLE-- IF I MAY CALL YOU THAT-- 188 00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,222 >> YES! YOU MAY. 189 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:44,523 >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN SO GENEROUS WITH THAT. 190 00:13:44,590 --> 00:13:46,325 >> YOU'VE KNOWN ME LONG ENOUGH. >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 191 00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:49,595 AND THE NICE THING IS THAT I HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU, ON 192 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:52,431 STAGE AND OFF, AND I'VE BEEN YOUR LOVELY HOME, AND YOU'VE 193 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:55,067 BEEN SO GRACIOUS AND SO, SO GENEROUS WITH YOUR TIME. 194 00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:58,537 BUT THE THING IS, IT'S HARD TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE IN LITTLE 195 00:13:58,604 --> 00:14:01,640 SNIPPETS, YOU KNOW? EVEN THE TIME, QUALITY TIME 196 00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:05,411 WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER. AND SO, HERE AT THE, AT THE 197 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:10,082 "LATE SHOW," THE TEAM, UP ON THE 75th FLOOR, HAVE PUT TOGETHER 198 00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:13,452 THESE SCIENTIFICALLY-ENGINEERED QUESTIONS THAT-- 199 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:14,787 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: OUR TEAM OF 200 00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:17,456 PSYCHIATRISTS HAVE WRITTEN THESE QUESTIONS THAT ARE, THAT ARE 201 00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:19,792 MEANT TO ACTUALLY PENETRATE THE SOUL OF SOMEONE, TO TRULY REVEAL 202 00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,461 THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE... >> ALL RIGHT. 203 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:23,729 >> Stephen: ...MERELY BY ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS. 204 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,197 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: MICHELLE OBAMA, DO 205 00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:26,532 YOU HAVE THE COURAGE TO ANSWER THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT?" 206 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:35,207 >> YES, I DO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 207 00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:37,443 >> Stephen: MICHELLE OBAMA, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH? 208 00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:41,814 >> GRILLED CHEESE. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 209 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:42,982 >> Stephen: YOU PUT BUTTER ON THE OUTSIDE? 210 00:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,149 HOW ARE YOU DOING IT? >> OH, YEAH. 211 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:47,419 OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU BUTTER IT. 212 00:14:47,486 --> 00:14:48,821 >> YOU BUTTER IT. IT'S GOT TO BE CRISP. 213 00:14:48,887 --> 00:14:50,189 AND THE-- CHEDDAR. I LIKE CHEDDAR, IN MY GRILLED 214 00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,323 CHEESE, YEAH. >> Stephen: NICELY DONE. 215 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,892 WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW 216 00:14:53,959 --> 00:14:55,995 OUT? >> OH! 217 00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:59,698 IT WOULD BE SOME CLOTHES. YEAH, I HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM. 218 00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:02,635 THAT'S ACCORDING TO MY HUSBAND. (LAUGHTER) 219 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:05,070 YES. >> Stephen: OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 220 00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,038 CLOTHES. >> CLOTHING. 221 00:15:06,105 --> 00:15:08,540 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL? 222 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:10,542 >> SCARIEST ANIMAL? SNAKES. 223 00:15:10,609 --> 00:15:13,045 EURGH! (CHEERS) 224 00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:14,413 >> Stephen: OKAY. HAVE YOU EVER-- 225 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:15,848 >> YOU SAID, "OH, WOW." >> Stephen: I SAID OH, WOW. 226 00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:17,082 NO, I MEAN, SURE, THAT'S A PRIMAL ONE. 227 00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:19,118 >> THEY'RE SCARY! >> Stephen: SNAKES. 228 00:15:19,184 --> 00:15:20,719 SNAKES, SPIDERS. IS THERE-- HAVE YOU EVER 229 00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:25,357 ENCOUNTERED A DANGEROUS SNAKE? >> YOU KNOW, I'VE COME CLOSE, ON 230 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,294 HIKES. I'VE BEEN TOLD. 231 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,461 >> Stephen: RATTLESNAKES, THAT SORT OF THING? 232 00:15:29,528 --> 00:15:33,098 >> LIKE, A KING-- SOME KIND OF COBRA, KIND OF... 233 00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:34,566 IT WASN'T, COULDN'T HAVE BEEN A COBRA. 234 00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,635 (LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: IT'S A COBRA! 235 00:15:36,702 --> 00:15:39,238 >> IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A POISONOUS SNAKE, AND THE SECRET 236 00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:43,075 SERVICE SAW IT AHEAD. SO THEY STOPPED ME, AND-- 237 00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:45,110 >> Stephen: THEY WRESTLED IT. >> THEY SAID, "MA'AM, YOU'VE GOT 238 00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:46,345 TO STAY HERE." (LAUGHTER) 239 00:15:46,412 --> 00:15:48,714 OH, WE WERE ON A HIKE AND A RATTLER CAME OUT AND WENT ACROSS 240 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,616 THE ROAD. YES. 241 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,151 >> Stephen: WOW. AND THEY ARRESTED IT. 242 00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:55,387 (LAUGHTER) >> THAT'S RIGHT. 243 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,856 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? >> MMMMM! 244 00:15:57,923 --> 00:15:58,891 >> Stephen: I TOLD YOU THEY'RE TOUGH. 245 00:15:58,957 --> 00:16:02,561 >> ORANGES. REFRESHING! 246 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,495 >> Stephen: WHAT? THEY ARE REFRESHING. 247 00:16:03,562 --> 00:16:05,030 GREAT SOURCE OF FIBER. >> CITRUS. 248 00:16:05,097 --> 00:16:10,602 >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH? 249 00:16:10,669 --> 00:16:12,871 >> OH! I AM NOT AN AUTOGRAPH PERSON. 250 00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:14,807 SO, I'M SURE I HAVE, BUT... >> Stephen: SPORTS FIGURE, 251 00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:16,308 ANYTHING LIKE THAT? >> NO! 252 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:19,011 I MEAN, I DON'T-- YEAH! 253 00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,647 I GENERALLY THINK THAT GETTING SOMEBODY'S SIGNATURE IS KIND OF 254 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,483 LIKE-- WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT? >> Stephen: I KNOW. 255 00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:25,718 (LAUGHTER) >> I DON'T KNOW. 256 00:16:25,784 --> 00:16:27,219 >> Stephen: THE FEW TIMES I'VE ASKED, I'VE REGRETTED IT. 257 00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,222 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 258 00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:32,725 HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WE GO TO HEAVEN. 259 00:16:32,791 --> 00:16:35,527 OR, I DO. (LAUGHTER) 260 00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:41,266 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: I'LL MISS YOU. 261 00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,535 I WILL! THINK OF ME. 262 00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,270 >> I WILL, I WILL. >> Stephen: THINK OF ME. 263 00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:46,071 PUT IN A GOOD WORD. >> OKAY, I WILL. 264 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:46,972 >> Stephen: FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE? 265 00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:51,243 >> OH... RECENT? 266 00:16:51,310 --> 00:16:53,712 "JUMANJI." >> Stephen: SURE. 267 00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:56,448 THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE. THE ROCK IN "JUMANJI," YEAH. 268 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:58,650 >> "BLACK PANTHER." >> Stephen: OH YEAH. 269 00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:00,552 HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW ONE? >> I HAVEN'T SEEN-- I HAVEN'T 270 00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:01,987 SEEN THE NEW ONE YET. >> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 271 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:06,625 WINDOW OR AISLE? >> WINDOW. 272 00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:08,293 >> Stephen: OKAY. (CHEERS) 273 00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,361 BECAUSE YOU LIKE THE VIEW. THERE YOU GO. 274 00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,196 >> I JUST WANT TO BE... THIS WAY. 275 00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:14,199 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. FAVORITE SMELL? 276 00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:18,036 >> MY HUSBAND. (AUDIENCE REACTS) 277 00:17:18,103 --> 00:17:19,638 >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE. LEAST FAVORITE SMELL? 278 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:25,043 >> MMMM... POOP. 279 00:17:25,110 --> 00:17:26,512 (LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: IT'S CLASSIC. 280 00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,213 >> YEAH. WHO LIKES THAT? 281 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:31,316 >> Stephen: CLASSIC. IT'S UP THERE WITH RATTLESNAKES. 282 00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:32,918 CLASSIC. >> IT SEEMS PRETTY BASIC. 283 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:33,819 >> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE? 284 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,588 >> SONOS. MUSIC. 285 00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:38,223 I PLAY MUSIC ALL THE TIME. >> Stephen: I DIG IT. 286 00:17:38,290 --> 00:17:39,725 WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO A LOT OF, THESE DAYS? 287 00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:44,263 >> YOU KNOW, I AM REALLY REVISITING STEVIE WONDER'S 288 00:17:44,329 --> 00:17:48,667 FULFILLING HIS FIRST FINALE. SO, CLASSIC. 289 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,202 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YEAH, I'VE BEEN KIND OF GROOVING 290 00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:55,007 ON THAT. JUST BOUGHT TANK AND THE BANGAS' 291 00:17:55,073 --> 00:17:58,377 NEW ALBUM, "RED BALLOONS." (CHEERS) 292 00:17:58,444 --> 00:17:59,478 "RENAISSANCE," BEYONCEÉ. MY GIRL. 293 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:02,681 (CHEERS) >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS? 294 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:08,921 >> DOGS. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 295 00:18:08,987 --> 00:18:09,988 I LOVE THE WAY THEY'RE INTO-- YOU GUYS ARE INTO IT. 296 00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:11,723 YOU'RE GOOD. >> Stephen: YES. 297 00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:15,060 YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 298 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,262 WHAT IS IT? >> SEE, THAT'S JUST WRONG. 299 00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:19,164 >> Stephen: NOW WAIT A SECOND. (LAUGHTER) 300 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:20,432 I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT THIS-- >> ONE? 301 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:21,600 ONE SONG? >> Stephen: WELL, HERE'S THE 302 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,168 THING, IS YOU DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY. 303 00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:24,503 >> SEE, THAT JUST MAKES ME SAD THINKING ABOUT IT. 304 00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:26,371 I'M ON AN ISLAND... >> Stephen: SO WHAT'S THE SONG 305 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,106 THAT KEEPS YOU FROM BEING SAD? BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE 306 00:18:28,173 --> 00:18:30,409 TO LISTEN TO IT CONTINUALLY, BUT WHEN YOU DO GO, THIS IS THE 307 00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:32,411 SONG. >> ALL RIGHT. 308 00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:38,183 I HAVE TO GO WITH STEVIE, AND, IT'S NOT EVEN AN ALBUM? 309 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,786 IT'S JUST ONE SONG? >> Stephen: YEAH, ONE SONG. 310 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,088 >> OKAY, I WOULD PICK "AS." STEVIE WONDER'S "AS." 311 00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:44,223 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I 312 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:45,290 THINKING OF? >> FOUR. 313 00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:48,460 >> Stephen: NO. (LAUGHTER) 314 00:18:48,527 --> 00:18:50,229 DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. 315 00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:58,203 >> FIVE WORDS? "FAMILY, FRIENDS, IN THE SUN." 316 00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:01,440 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS! 317 00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:03,842 MICHELLE OBAMA, YOU ARE KNOWN. THANK YOU. 318 00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:07,779 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: "THE LIGHT WE CARRY" 319 00:19:07,846 --> 00:19:11,283 IS AVAILABLE NOW. MICHELLE OBAMA, EVERYBODY. 320 00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:19,324 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 321 00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:36,642 ♪ (APPLAUSE) 322 00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:40,012 GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND, RIGHT THERE, 323 00:19:40,078 --> 00:19:44,583 EVERYBODY. (APPLAUSE) 324 00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:49,021 DID YOU HAVE A NICE-- LOUIS WELCOME BACK, HAPPY 2023 TO YOU. 325 00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:52,491 >> HAPPY 2023 TO YOU TOO. >> Stephen: DID YOU HAVE A 326 00:19:52,558 --> 00:19:53,892 LOVELY BREAK. >> I DID. 327 00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,762 HOW ABOUT YOU. >> Stephen: I WENT DOWN TO 328 00:19:56,828 --> 00:20:03,101 SOUTH CAROLINA. ME AND THE FAMILY TRADED 329 00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:04,970 DISEASES FOR A FEW WEEKS. >> YEAH. 330 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,038 >> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. 331 00:20:06,104 --> 00:20:07,739 THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. I SAW THAT, ANYBODY OVER THERE 332 00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:11,677 YOU SEEN THAT, WHAT IS THAT, THAT AVATAR TWO MOVIE, YOU HAVE 333 00:20:11,743 --> 00:20:12,811 SEEN THAT. >> I DIDN'T SEE IT. 334 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:17,316 >> Stephen: YEAH, I SAW IT. >> I STILL HAVEN'T SEEN THE 335 00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,051 FIRST ONE. >> Stephen: EVERYBODY IS BLUE 336 00:20:19,117 --> 00:20:20,319 AGAIN. >> STILL BLUE. 337 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:25,357 >> Stephen: EVERYBODY IS STILL BLUE, EVERYBODY IS TRYING TO THE 338 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,492 BIG TREE THAT TALKS TO YOU. I SAW THE MOVIE. 339 00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:32,831 I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING IN IT IT WAS TRULY ENJOYABLE. 340 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,399 WHALES, TALKING WHALES. >> THREW GO. 341 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,836 >> Stephen: WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT. 342 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:42,474 >> LIKE FLIP THARY CAN KILL YOU. ASK YOUR GRANDPARENTS WILL ABOUT 343 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:45,544 FLIPPER. (APPLAUSE) 344 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:52,818 GOOD THOUGH. WE GOT COMEDIAN TOM PAPA COMING 345 00:20:52,884 --> 00:20:55,954 OUT IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. ALWAYS ENJOY HIM. 346 00:20:56,021 --> 00:21:00,292 BUT FIRST LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN 347 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,560 EMMY-AWARD WINNING WRITER AND ACTOR. 348 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:06,898 SHE IS ALSO THE STAR AND CREATOR OF ABC'S "ABBOTT ELEMENTARY." 349 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:11,837 >> YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A LOT MORE THAN ONE CART OF BOOKS 350 00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:14,673 TO BEAT MY KID. >> YES, I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT 351 00:21:14,740 --> 00:21:18,276 THIS IS MY THIRD TRIP BACK FROM THE LIBRARY THIS MORNING. 352 00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,779 >> HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT? >> WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO REVEAL 353 00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:24,950 MY SECRET EARLIER BUT I FIGURED OUT HOW TO FIT TWO WEEKS OF MATH 354 00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:28,053 LESSONS INTO NEXT WEEK WHICH MEAN THIS WEEK MY KIDS CAN 355 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:34,192 DEVOTE THEIR TIME TO READING. AND BEATING YOUR CLASS. 356 00:21:34,259 --> 00:21:37,796 BEHOLD. OUR READING WONDERLAND. 357 00:21:37,863 --> 00:21:46,672 FIGURED IF I COME FOR THE-- >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME TO 358 00:21:46,738 --> 00:22:01,620 "THE LATE SHOW," QUINTA BRUNSON. (APPLAUSE) 359 00:22:01,687 --> 00:22:09,528 "THE LATE SHOW," QUINTA BRUNSON. (APPLAUSE) 360 00:22:09,594 --> 00:22:11,596 >> HI. >> Stephen: NICE TO YOU HAVE 361 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:14,900 ON HERE. >> IT'S SO NICE TO BE HERE. 362 00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:20,839 >> Stephen: HAPPY 2023. >> HAPPY FREAKING 2023. 363 00:22:20,906 --> 00:22:23,875 HAPPY NEW YEAR. >> Stephen: LISTEN, ARE YOU 364 00:22:23,942 --> 00:22:25,844 READY FOR A NEW YEAR, BECAUSE 2022 WAS PRETTY GOOD TO QUINTA 365 00:22:25,911 --> 00:22:30,248 BRUNSON, YOU WON AN EMMY, WERE YOU ONE OF TIME'S MOST 100 366 00:22:30,315 --> 00:22:31,083 INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE. >> YES. 367 00:22:31,149 --> 00:22:32,384 >> Stephen: A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY. 368 00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:33,652 >> I KNOW. >> Stephen: ONE OF "PEOPLE" 369 00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:38,757 MAGAZINE'S PEOPLE OF THE YEAR. ARE DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO 370 00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:41,927 ONE UP THIS YEAR OR JUST GOING TO LET IT RIDE. 371 00:22:41,993 --> 00:22:44,796 >> OPPOSITE, I'M GOING TO ONE DOWN IT I WANT TO GO, I WANT TO, 372 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:48,100 I WANT TO REST. LAST YEAR WAS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE 373 00:22:48,166 --> 00:22:51,236 YEAR FOR NOT ONLY ME BUT MY CAST MEMBERS. 374 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,873 MY PRODUCTION, MY SHOW. MY FAMILY, MY FRIENDS. 375 00:22:54,940 --> 00:22:58,577 AND I, I LOVE SLEEP. TODAY I SLEPT BEFORE I CAME 376 00:22:58,643 --> 00:23:01,146 HERE. I TOOK A NAP. 377 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:02,848 AND-- . >> Stephen: ARE YOU NORMALLY A 378 00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:04,282 NAPPER. >> NO! 379 00:23:04,349 --> 00:23:05,317 >> Stephen: YOU ARE NOT NORMALLY NAPPER. 380 00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:08,487 >> I'M NOT NORMALLY A NAPPER. AND I DID ONE TODAY. 381 00:23:08,553 --> 00:23:10,489 I DID A NAP. AND I DID IT FOR 30 MINUTES. 382 00:23:10,555 --> 00:23:13,892 AND I WOKE UP. AND I WAS RECHARGED AND RENEWED 383 00:23:13,959 --> 00:23:16,828 SO I KIND OF WANT TO GET INTO NAPS THIS YEAR. 384 00:23:16,895 --> 00:23:20,832 THAT IS MY GOAL. SEE WHAT NAPS CAN DO. 385 00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,902 DO YOU TAKE NAPS. >> Stephen: YEAH, I HAVE A 386 00:23:23,969 --> 00:23:25,137 RECOMMENDATION. YOU ARE YOU IN A RELATIONSHIP 387 00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:28,707 WITH ANYONE, NOT THAT IS ANY OF MY BUSINESS. 388 00:23:28,774 --> 00:23:30,609 >> I AM, MARRIED. WHY, ARE YOU INTERESTED? 389 00:23:30,675 --> 00:23:33,311 >> Stephen: NO, I MARRIED INTO A FAMILY THAT DOESN'T NAP, AND 390 00:23:33,378 --> 00:23:35,881 IT IS DIFFICULT. IF YOU NAP, ARE YOU SICK IN NO, 391 00:23:35,947 --> 00:23:38,183 I'M NAPPING. >> I'M NAPPING. 392 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,352 WELL, I'M LEARNING THAT. I USED TO THINK IF YOU NAPPED 393 00:23:40,418 --> 00:23:43,955 YOU WERE A W-U-S-S OR LOSER BUT NOW I AM LEARNING YOU CAN NAP 394 00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:47,192 AND STILL BE A WINNER. >> Stephen: ARE YOU RECHARGING 395 00:23:47,259 --> 00:23:48,860 FOR THE BEATLE, IS WHAT IT IS. >> YES, YES. 396 00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:52,197 >> Stephen: STAR AND CREATOR-OF-ABBOTT ELEMENTARY 397 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:55,734 WHICH AS I SAID, YOU ARE WINNING. 398 00:23:55,801 --> 00:24:06,011 THERE YOU ARE. AND NOW YOU ALSO WRITE ON THE 399 00:24:06,077 --> 00:24:09,147 SHOW, RIGHT? >> YEAH, I'M IN THE WRITER'S 400 00:24:09,214 --> 00:24:10,448 ROOM. >> Stephen: AND STAR ON THE 401 00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:12,150 SHOW. DOES THE STAR OF THE SHOW EVER 402 00:24:12,217 --> 00:24:16,521 LOOK AT THE WRITER QUINTA BRUNSON SCRIPT AND GO, SHE'S GOT 403 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:20,258 TO BE BETTER THAN THIS? >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YEAH, KINDA. 404 00:24:20,325 --> 00:24:22,661 >> Stephen: ARE YOU. BECAUSE IT IS TWO DIFFERENT HATS 405 00:24:22,727 --> 00:24:27,499 TWNS IS TWO DIFFERENT AND I'M ALSO A PRODUCER ON THE SHOW SO 406 00:24:27,566 --> 00:24:30,468 THREE DIFFERENT BRAINS. PRODUCER, ME IS UP SET AT WRITER 407 00:24:30,535 --> 00:24:33,438 ME FOR NOT BEING IN THE WRITER'S ROOM THIS WEEK. 408 00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:37,375 AND PRODUCER ME IS ALSO UPSET AT ACTOR ME FOR HAVING SO MANY 409 00:24:37,442 --> 00:24:41,213 DRINKS ON NEW YEAR'S BECAUSE IT WILL SHOW UP IN MY FACE ON 410 00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:42,981 CAMERA WHEN I GET BACK TO SET. SO YEAH. 411 00:24:43,048 --> 00:24:46,318 >> Stephen: PRODUCING YOU IS REALLY TOUGH ON THE OTHER TWO OF 412 00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:48,820 YOU. >> I KNOW. 413 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:51,223 >> Stephen: YOU GREW IN PHILLIE. 414 00:24:51,289 --> 00:24:57,028 >> I GREW NEWSPAPER PHILLIE. >> YAYY. 415 00:24:57,095 --> 00:24:58,730 >> Stephen: GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW? 416 00:24:58,797 --> 00:25:05,237 >> YEAH, YEAH, THE SHOW WAS INSPIRED BY MY MOM-- WAS A 417 00:25:05,303 --> 00:25:09,040 PUBLIC SCHOOL TEACHER. YES, YES. 418 00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:13,211 AND I SPENT ALL MY TIME WITH HER IN THE SCHOOLS, I WAS IN HER 419 00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:18,016 CLASS AND TO NIFT GRADE I WENT TO THE SCHOOL SHE TAUGHT AND I 420 00:25:18,083 --> 00:25:19,618 WAS IN SCHOOL MORE THAN NORMAL PEOPLE WERE IN SCOOVMENT AND MY 421 00:25:19,684 --> 00:25:22,420 MOM WASN'T JUST A MOM TO ME. SHE WAS A TEACHER. 422 00:25:22,487 --> 00:25:26,591 AND SHE WASN'T JUST A TEACHER TO ME, SHE WAS A FULLY FORMED 423 00:25:26,658 --> 00:25:28,860 PERSON. SO I THINK I GOT TO SEE MORE OF 424 00:25:28,927 --> 00:25:31,897 IT AND PHILADELPHIA IS ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL PLACES IN THE 425 00:25:31,963 --> 00:25:34,099 WORLD. I'M BIASED BUT I THINK IT IS A 426 00:25:34,165 --> 00:25:37,869 SPECIAL CITY WITH A LOT OF HEART AND A LOT OF LOVE AND A LOT OF 427 00:25:37,936 --> 00:25:43,475 CRAZY MASCOTS THAT ARE UGLY AND MAKE NO SENSE. 428 00:25:43,541 --> 00:25:45,143 BUT I THINK THAT KIND OF LIKE REPRESENTS OUR CITY WELL. 429 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:50,081 SO I THINK A SHOW IN PHILLIE SEEMED APPEALING BECAUSE I FELT 430 00:25:50,148 --> 00:25:53,184 WE COULDN'T MAKE THAT KIND OF SCHOOL SHOW ANYWHERE ELSE. 431 00:25:53,251 --> 00:25:57,422 >> Stephen: SO YOUR MOM IS A TEACHER. 432 00:25:57,489 --> 00:26:00,792 DID YOU WERE A GOOD STUDENT OR DID YOU REBEL. 433 00:26:00,859 --> 00:26:04,663 >> YEAH, I REBELLED, SO I WAS GOOD, I WAS REALLY, REALLY GOOD 434 00:26:04,729 --> 00:26:07,999 UP UNTIL AROUND 7th GRADE. THAT IS WHEN IT STARTED TO GO 435 00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:14,572 DOWN HILL BECAUSE MY SISTER STARTED DOING MY HAIR. 436 00:26:14,639 --> 00:26:17,642 A I WAS A DWEEP, A NERD, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT 437 00:26:17,709 --> 00:26:21,546 THEN MY SISTER STARTED PERMING MY HAIR AND GIVING ME BOBS SO I 438 00:26:21,613 --> 00:26:23,481 HAD A LITTLE BOB, YOU NO HE WHAT A BOB IS. 439 00:26:23,548 --> 00:26:25,583 >> Stephen: I DO KNOW WHAT I BOB IS. 440 00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:29,554 >> SO I HAD A LITTLE BOB AND I WAS SCEUT. 441 00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:32,857 AND I HAD LIKE A SEIZE ON THAT MOMENTS. 442 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,260 SO THEN. >> Stephen: SO THEN SCHOOL CAN 443 00:26:35,327 --> 00:26:37,662 WAIT. >> SO THEN BOYS STARTED LIKING 444 00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:39,631 ME AND STUFF AND THEN I STARTED, THAT WAS TROUBLE. 445 00:26:39,698 --> 00:26:43,468 AND I GOT BACK UP. I WAS BACK ON THE UP AND UP. 446 00:26:43,535 --> 00:26:47,238 AND THEN 9th GRADE, WHAT HAPPENED, CHEERLEADER, I STARTED 447 00:26:47,305 --> 00:26:48,773 CUTTING SCHOOL. IT WAS A WHOLE STORY BUT YOU 448 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,676 KNOW WHAT, MY GRADES NEVER SLIPPED AND I THINK THAT WAS THE 449 00:26:51,743 --> 00:26:54,279 IMPORTANT PART. YOU CAN CUT SCHOOL AND KEEP YOUR 450 00:26:54,346 --> 00:26:57,816 GRADES UP. THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO TELL 451 00:26:57,882 --> 00:27:00,318 AMERICA. >> Stephen: A MESSAGE OF HOPE. 452 00:27:00,385 --> 00:27:04,723 I CUT SCHOOL ONCE, I CUT SCHOOL ONCE, NOT THAT THIS IS ABOUT ME, 453 00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:07,158 BUT I CUT SCHOOL ONCE BECAUSE MY MOM WAS OUT OF TOWN AND I GOT 454 00:27:07,225 --> 00:27:14,699 HER TO WRITE A NOTE, STEPHEN HAS PERMISSION TO GO TO CHOIR Q YOU 455 00:27:14,766 --> 00:27:20,772 BUT I GOT HER TO USE AN HE RAISE AM NOTE AND I WROATS STEPHEN IS 456 00:27:20,839 --> 00:27:22,207 SICK. >> THAT IS DIABOLICAL. 457 00:27:22,273 --> 00:27:25,110 >> Stephen: I HAD THAT IN MY POCKET AND I WAS SO BORED. 458 00:27:25,176 --> 00:27:26,611 >> WERE YOU BOARD. >> Stephen: BECAUSE NO ONE 459 00:27:26,678 --> 00:27:30,382 ELSE STAYED HOME T WAS JUST ME. >> NOT ME, I WAS TURNING UP. 460 00:27:30,448 --> 00:27:34,386 I WENT HOME, I WOULD WALK AROUND PHILADELPHIA, THIS IS HISTORICAL 461 00:27:34,452 --> 00:27:37,389 STIVMENT I ONLY LEARNED THAT BECAUSE I CUT SCHOOL BUT I WOULD 462 00:27:37,455 --> 00:27:40,492 HAVE LEARNED THAT-- . >> Stephen: IF YOU STAY IN 463 00:27:40,558 --> 00:27:41,493 SCHOOL YOU LEARN ABOUT PHILADELPHIA. 464 00:27:41,559 --> 00:27:44,429 >> I WOULD HAVE LEARNED. THERE WAS AN UNDERGROUND 465 00:27:44,496 --> 00:27:47,332 RAILROAD STOP IN PHILLIE. I LEARNED THAT BY CUTS SCHOOL. 466 00:27:47,399 --> 00:27:50,668 AND THEN I WON'T HOME AND I WATCHED THE SAME TWO MOVIES OVER 467 00:27:50,735 --> 00:27:54,906 AND OVER, DRUM LINE AND SPIDERMAN GAVE ME A REAL LOVE OF 468 00:27:54,973 --> 00:27:58,043 THE ART OF FILM AND I WATCHED THEM OVER AND OVER AND OVER. 469 00:27:58,109 --> 00:28:01,780 AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BP ABLE TO DO THAT IF I DIDN'T CUT SCHOOL. 470 00:28:01,846 --> 00:28:05,250 >> Stephen: THERE ST. >> DOES THAT MAKE SENSE. 471 00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:07,452 >> Stephen: 1 MUN%. WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 472 00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:10,855 BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE QUINTA BRUNSON, EVERYBODY. 473 00:28:10,922 --> 00:28:12,891 STICK AROUND. 474 00:28:19,064 --> 00:28:21,266 >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH STAR OF "ABBOTT 475 00:28:21,332 --> 00:28:26,304 ELEMENTARY," QUINTA BRUNSON. >> Stephen: "ABBOTT ELEMENTARY" 476 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:33,711 ABBOTT ELEMENTARY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN, YOU USE TERMS THAT 477 00:28:33,778 --> 00:28:35,313 I DON'T UNDERSTAND AT ALL. >> LET'S DO IT. 478 00:28:35,380 --> 00:28:37,715 >> Stephen: I WILL WALK THROUGH WHAT THESE THINGS ARE. 479 00:28:37,782 --> 00:28:40,852 AND I GUESS I WILL GUESS WHAT THEY MEAN BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW, 480 00:28:40,919 --> 00:28:48,126 OKAY. SO HERE IS A PHILLIE TERM, JONS 481 00:28:48,193 --> 00:28:50,528 THAT A BOY'S NAME. >> IT IS NOT BUT IT CAN BE A BOY 482 00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:54,999 OR A GIRL SCZ WHAT SAY JON. >> OR THIS. 483 00:28:55,066 --> 00:29:00,105 >> IT IS I PERSON, PLACE, THING OR IDEA, SOMEONE CALL IT A NOUN. 484 00:29:00,171 --> 00:29:10,281 THE ONLY THING-- YO, IT'S JOHN CRAZY. 485 00:29:10,348 --> 00:29:11,382 >> Stephen: ANYBODY FROM PHILLIE OVER THERE. 486 00:29:11,449 --> 00:29:14,719 >> ANYBODY FROM PHILLIE. >> Stephen: THAT CHECK OUT. 487 00:29:14,786 --> 00:29:16,788 >> YEAHIR SEE THAT BEARD, HE IS FROM PHILLIE. 488 00:29:16,855 --> 00:29:19,691 >> Stephen: OKAY. LET'S SEE, MACK MACHINE. 489 00:29:19,757 --> 00:29:22,827 >> SO THIS ONE BREAKS MY BRAIN. >> Stephen: IS THAT A COMPUTE 490 00:29:22,894 --> 00:29:26,698 TWERNS IS THE SAME THING AS AN ATM AND I FOUND OUT RECENTLY 491 00:29:26,764 --> 00:29:29,100 MACK MACHINES ARE ONLY IN PHILADELPHIA SO ALL MY LIFE I 492 00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:33,438 HAVE BEEN CALLING ATM'S MACK MACHINES AND IN L.A. WHERE I 493 00:29:33,505 --> 00:29:36,875 LIVE AND PEOPLE LOOK AT MY CRAZY BUT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL RECENTLY 494 00:29:36,941 --> 00:29:41,312 LIKE LAST WEEK THAT MACK MACHINES WERE NOT UNIVERSAL. 495 00:29:41,379 --> 00:29:43,448 AND YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF THE MACK MACHINE. 496 00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:46,551 >> Jon: YO THIS JOHN'S THE MACK MACHINE. 497 00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:48,920 OKAY. LET'S GO TO THE NEXT ONE. 498 00:29:48,987 --> 00:29:55,894 >> TECHNICALLY, YES. >> Stephen: WIT OUT, THAT 499 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,696 IS-- ON YOUR CHEESE SEAK. >> HOAGIE. 500 00:29:58,763 --> 00:30:07,105 >> LOVE A HOAGIE. >> Stephen: BULL. 501 00:30:07,172 --> 00:30:12,677 >> IT CAN BE BUL. >> SAY GUY. 502 00:30:12,744 --> 00:30:18,249 >> Stephen: AM I BULL. >> SURE. 503 00:30:18,316 --> 00:30:24,989 >> Stephen: ABBOTT ELEMENTARY HAIR AIRS WEDNESDAYS ON ABC. 504 00:30:25,056 --> 00:30:27,091 NOT CBS. THAT'S QUINTA BRUNSON, 505 00:30:27,158 --> 00:30:27,859 EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH 506 00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:32,197 COMEDIAN TOM PAPA. 507 00:30:41,172 --> 00:30:45,543 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK. 508 00:30:45,610 --> 00:30:47,345 THANKS FOR STAYING UP. FOLKS, 509 00:30:47,412 --> 00:30:51,049 MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHOSE LATEST STANDUP SPECIAL, 510 00:30:51,115 --> 00:30:52,350 "WHAT A DAY!," IS ON NETFLIX NOW. 511 00:30:52,417 --> 00:31:07,298 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TOM PAPA. 512 00:31:07,365 --> 00:31:10,268 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," TOM PAPA. 513 00:31:10,335 --> 00:31:12,770 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. 514 00:31:12,837 --> 00:31:14,005 >> GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU 515 00:31:14,072 --> 00:31:16,040 AGAIN, YOU VNTS BEEN HERE SINCE, NOT THAT I HAVE BEEN KEEPING 516 00:31:16,107 --> 00:31:19,077 TRACK BUT 2018, FIVE YEARS. >> BEFORE THE TROUBLE. 517 00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:22,747 >> Stephen: YEAH, SO REALLY THREE YEARS WHEN YOU ADD TWO TO 518 00:31:22,814 --> 00:31:24,649 IT. >> Stephen: SOMEWHERE IN 519 00:31:24,716 --> 00:31:26,451 THERE, EXACTLY. I COULD HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU OVER 520 00:31:26,517 --> 00:31:29,087 ZOOM AND I WOULDN'T REMEMBER BECAUSE IT IS ALL JUST A BLUR, 521 00:31:29,153 --> 00:31:31,155 THOSE YEARS. >> YEAH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT 522 00:31:31,222 --> 00:31:32,924 YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FEEL 523 00:31:32,991 --> 00:31:36,094 ABOUT 2023, ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT IT YET? 524 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:38,896 >> YEAH. YEAH. 525 00:31:38,963 --> 00:31:41,099 YEAH. , SO MUCH PRARYBURE. 526 00:31:41,165 --> 00:31:45,637 YOU KNOW, EVERYONE IS YELLING AT YOU, IMMEDIATELY. 527 00:31:45,703 --> 00:31:47,071 YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE FIRST WE CAN BACK. 528 00:31:47,138 --> 00:31:50,708 YOU CAN DO MORE, YOU CAN BE BETTER. 529 00:31:50,775 --> 00:31:52,777 ISN'T THIS ENOUGH? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 530 00:31:52,844 --> 00:31:56,180 HOW ABOUT CELEBRATING THE PEOPLE THAT KEPT US ALIVE THIS WHOLE 531 00:31:56,247 --> 00:31:58,483 TIME, US. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 532 00:31:58,549 --> 00:32:01,919 I MAID IT THIS FAR. SO WHAT WE ARE FAT, WHO CARES. 533 00:32:01,986 --> 00:32:04,656 REALLY, I ALWAYS SAY, WE'RE ALL FAT. 534 00:32:04,722 --> 00:32:07,759 EVERYBODY IS FAT. YOU ARE EITHER REALLY FAT, KINDA 535 00:32:07,825 --> 00:32:14,198 FAT OR TRYING NOT TO BE FAT. EITHER WAY, FAT IS COMING. 536 00:32:14,265 --> 00:32:18,403 >> Stephen: YOU MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS? 537 00:32:18,469 --> 00:32:19,637 >> YEAH. I DO. 538 00:32:19,704 --> 00:32:24,776 I HAVE A GOOD ONE THIS YEAR. I'M GOING TO TRY TO BE A LITTLE 539 00:32:24,842 --> 00:32:28,279 DUMBER ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD. 540 00:32:28,346 --> 00:32:30,581 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. 541 00:32:30,648 --> 00:32:33,084 >> I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. WE WORKED SO HARD FOR THE LAST 542 00:32:33,151 --> 00:32:37,622 SEVERAL YEARS BEING AROUND DOCTORS AND OUR OWN WAR 543 00:32:37,689 --> 00:32:40,391 CORRESPONDENTS AND STOCK BROKERS. 544 00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:43,328 HOW ABOUT WE JUST GO BACK TO LIVING AND BEING A DUMBEE THAT 545 00:32:43,394 --> 00:32:44,629 DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. 546 00:32:44,696 --> 00:32:47,198 YOU CAN KNOW TOO MUCH IN THIS WORLD. 547 00:32:47,265 --> 00:32:49,967 LIKE IF SOMEBODY GIVES YOU A COOKIE, YOU DON'T WANT TO THINK 548 00:32:50,034 --> 00:32:53,938 ABOUT WHAT IS IN THAT COOKIE. ALL THAT BUTTER AND SUGAR AND 549 00:32:54,005 --> 00:32:57,475 MADE WITH SOMEONE'S HANDS. SOMEONE'S HANDS. 550 00:32:57,542 --> 00:32:59,811 THEY SAY LIKE IT IS A GOOD THING. 551 00:32:59,877 --> 00:33:02,980 HERE SAY HANDMADE COULD BEINGIE. WITH THEIR HANDS WHEN THEY'RE 552 00:33:03,047 --> 00:33:07,352 NOT SCRATCHING THEIR ASS OR PICKING THINGS OUT OF A DOG'S 553 00:33:07,418 --> 00:33:12,623 MOUTH. THEY ARE MAKING YOU A COOKIE. 554 00:33:12,690 --> 00:33:15,026 >> (LAUGHTER) 555 00:33:15,093 --> 00:33:17,295 IF YOU KNOW TOO MUCH IN THIS WORLD, REALLY. 556 00:33:17,362 --> 00:33:19,831 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY WIFE IS THINKING ABOUT MOST 557 00:33:19,897 --> 00:33:22,133 THINGS MOST OF THE TIME. >> Stephen: REALLY, YOU'RE NOT 558 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:24,869 CURIOUS. >> NO, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. 559 00:33:24,936 --> 00:33:29,774 HOW AM I DOING? HOW IS OUR RELATIONSHIP? 560 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,075 IS THERE ANYTHING CAN I DO BETTER? 561 00:33:31,142 --> 00:33:37,815 WHY WOULD I ASK THAT? (LAUGHTER) 562 00:33:37,882 --> 00:33:43,287 WHAT ARE YOU HIGH? NO, THAT IS THE KEY TO MARRIAGE, 563 00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:47,892 JUST SHUT UP AND KEEP GOING. >> Stephen: TRUE, JUST LIKE 564 00:33:47,959 --> 00:33:50,428 THAT, YEAH. >> CAN I DO BETTER. 565 00:33:50,495 --> 00:33:52,730 NO, PLEASE, I MEAN LOOK, LIFE IS DIFFICULT. 566 00:33:52,797 --> 00:33:54,899 AND THERE IS A LOT OF THINGS IN MARRIAGE THAT ARE DIFFICULT. 567 00:33:54,966 --> 00:33:57,268 YOU DON'T NEED TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS. 568 00:33:57,335 --> 00:33:59,771 YOU GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY. YOU CAN IMAGINE. 569 00:33:59,837 --> 00:34:02,707 WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED 22 YEARS, DO YOU KNOW WHY? 570 00:34:02,774 --> 00:34:05,743 WE DON'T ASK THOSE QUESTIONS. REALLY? 571 00:34:05,810 --> 00:34:08,413 AM I GOING TO GO TO COUPLE'S THERAPY AND UNEARTH ALL OF THIS 572 00:34:08,479 --> 00:34:10,047 STUFF? NO. 573 00:34:10,114 --> 00:34:13,718 WHAT, ARE YOU HIGH? NOT GOING TO COUPLE'S THERAPY SO 574 00:34:13,785 --> 00:34:17,255 WE CAN DIG THROUGH ALL OF THESE OLD PROBLEMS. 575 00:34:17,321 --> 00:34:19,957 AND WHAT ARE YOU WORKING FOR, PERFECTION IN THERE IS NO 576 00:34:20,024 --> 00:34:24,195 PERFECTION. WE'RE SOILD, 22 YEARS, WE'RE NOT 577 00:34:24,262 --> 00:34:26,864 GOING TO BE PERFECT. I TELL MY WIFE, YOU'RE A MESS, 578 00:34:26,931 --> 00:34:31,068 I'M A MESS. LET'S WATCH A SHOW. 579 00:34:31,135 --> 00:34:33,671 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: SOUND ADVICE. 580 00:34:33,738 --> 00:34:35,306 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: SOUND ADVICE, 581 00:34:35,373 --> 00:34:37,842 YEAH. >> I WILL BE HONEST WITH YOU, 582 00:34:37,909 --> 00:34:40,411 SHE DOESN'T LIKE ME RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: SHE DOES NOT CARE 583 00:34:40,478 --> 00:34:42,280 FOR YOU. >> SHE DOES NOT LIKE ME RIGHT 584 00:34:42,346 --> 00:34:44,882 NOW. I DON'T KNOW, THE LAST THREE, 585 00:34:44,949 --> 00:34:46,350 FOUR MONTHS, SHE HAS NOT BEEN A FAN. 586 00:34:46,417 --> 00:34:49,754 I DON'T KNOW WHY. AND I'M NOT GOING TO FIND OUT. 587 00:34:49,821 --> 00:34:53,491 >> Stephen: JUST GET A VIBE. >> YEAH, I GET A VIBE. 588 00:34:53,558 --> 00:34:56,594 AND IT'S ALL RIGHT. SLEL'S COME BACK. 589 00:34:56,661 --> 00:35:00,498 22 YEAR, YEAH, SHE'LL BE BACK. >> Stephen: MAYBE 2023 WILL BE 590 00:35:00,565 --> 00:35:01,566 BETTER IN THAT REGARD. >> YEAH. 591 00:35:01,632 --> 00:35:03,668 >> Stephen: I HAVE BEEN, I DIDN'T SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR 592 00:35:03,734 --> 00:35:06,671 BECAUSE I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG YOU CAN DO THAT. 593 00:35:06,737 --> 00:35:09,340 BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY SAID IT A COUPLE OF TIMES DON'T. 594 00:35:09,407 --> 00:35:10,708 DO YOU BELIEVE, HOW LONG YOU CAN SAY HAPPY NEW YEAR. 595 00:35:10,775 --> 00:35:14,479 >> I KNOW THERE IS A LOT OF PRESSURE, YOU COME OUT, YOU HAVE 596 00:35:14,545 --> 00:35:16,347 TO SAY IT TO EVERYBODY. HAPPY NEW YEAR. 597 00:35:16,414 --> 00:35:19,217 I LIKE TO GO DEEP WITH IT, I LIKE TO GO DEEP BECAUSE PEOPLE 598 00:35:19,283 --> 00:35:22,887 ARE SO CONFUSED ABOUT TIME NO ONE KNOWS WHAT MONTHS IT IS SO I 599 00:35:22,954 --> 00:35:25,756 LIKE TO TAKE IT O JULY. HEY, HAPPY NEW YEAR. 600 00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:28,159 PEOPLE ARE LIKE, IT MIGHTS BE. IT MIGHT BE. 601 00:35:28,226 --> 00:35:31,395 >> Stephen: SOME CULTURES. >> YEAH. 602 00:35:31,462 --> 00:35:32,296 >> I LIKE IT. YOU CAN USE IT. 603 00:35:32,363 --> 00:35:34,832 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. >> YOU'RE WELCOME. 604 00:35:34,899 --> 00:35:37,802 >> Stephen: YOU SPENT THE HOLIDAYS WITH THIS GENTLEMAN 605 00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:43,341 RIGHT HERE, TELL ME ABOUT, WHO IS THIS, TALK ABOUT HIM IN YOUR 606 00:35:43,407 --> 00:35:46,677 NETFLIX SPECIAL, WHAT A DAY, IS THIS YOUR ONLY KID. 607 00:35:46,744 --> 00:35:50,681 >> THAT IS FRANK, FRANK SAY PUG, AND IS HE NOT MY ONLY PET. 608 00:35:50,748 --> 00:35:54,185 AND HE IS NOT EVEN MY PET. IT IS MY DAUGHTER'S PET. 609 00:35:54,252 --> 00:35:56,287 AND I WAS VERY CLEAR IN THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP, 610 00:35:56,354 --> 00:35:59,957 MY WIFE AND I THAT I DON'T WANT ANIMALS. 611 00:36:00,024 --> 00:36:03,261 I DON'T, I LIKE THEM FROM AFAR. I LIKE A NICE ZOO. 612 00:36:03,327 --> 00:36:07,398 I LIKE SEEING THEM IN MOVIES. DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THEM. 613 00:36:07,465 --> 00:36:10,067 AND THEY DIDN'T LISTEN THAT AT ALL. 614 00:36:10,134 --> 00:36:13,137 AND THEY JUST KEEP BRINGING ANIMALS INTO THE HOUSE LIKE A 615 00:36:13,204 --> 00:36:17,041 WEIRD NOAH'S ARC. WE'VE GOT FRANK THE PUG. 616 00:36:17,108 --> 00:36:20,878 HE SNORES WHILE HE IS EATING. >> Stephen: THEY HAVE THAT 617 00:36:20,945 --> 00:36:22,947 BREATHING ISSUES. >> WHAT ANIMAL DOES THAT HE IS A 618 00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:29,086 SLEEP AND HE IS CHEWING. WE'VE GOT A GIANTS BLACK LAB 619 00:36:29,153 --> 00:36:32,557 THAT CRAPS LIKE A MAN. >> Stephen: REALLY. 620 00:36:32,623 --> 00:36:35,459 >> >> Stephen: CRAP WAS ASKING 621 00:36:35,526 --> 00:36:38,563 DIRECTIONS. >> BALLS UP A NEWSPAPER, PUTS IT 622 00:36:38,629 --> 00:36:40,932 UNDER THEIR ARM. WADDLES DOWN THE HALLWAY. 623 00:36:40,998 --> 00:36:45,570 >> Stephen: I GOT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS BECAUSE THIS SAY 624 00:36:45,636 --> 00:36:47,071 BEAUTIFUL PHOTOGRAPH. >> YEAH. 625 00:36:47,138 --> 00:36:50,975 >> Stephen: THIS IS YOU WITH-- TELL ME ABOUT THIS LOVELY 626 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:52,209 SOURDOUGH. >> THAT WAS JUST THE OTHER DAY. 627 00:36:52,276 --> 00:36:57,148 >> Stephen: REALLY, THIS ISN'T 2020, THIS IS YOU-- ARE YOU 628 00:36:57,214 --> 00:36:59,684 BEFORE COVID. >> YES, SOURDOUGH MAN? 629 00:36:59,750 --> 00:37:01,419 >> YES. AND YOU KNOW, I SAW PEOPLE 630 00:37:01,485 --> 00:37:03,621 COMING ON YOUR SHOW, YOUR FINE PROGRAM. 631 00:37:03,688 --> 00:37:10,194 >> Stephen: JAKE, THAT JAKE GYLLENHAAL. 632 00:37:10,261 --> 00:37:11,629 >> THAT GUY. >> HE CAME OP DURING THE 633 00:37:11,696 --> 00:37:14,532 PANDEMIC, I'M REALLY INTO BAKING BREAD NOW. 634 00:37:14,599 --> 00:37:18,769 HE WASN'T DOING QUINTON BUT IT CAME OUT THAT WAY. 635 00:37:18,836 --> 00:37:22,440 >> Stephen: HE BET HE COULD DO A GREAT CLINTON. 636 00:37:22,506 --> 00:37:25,042 FINE ACTOR. >> HE IS LIKE I'M ALL INTOIC 637 00:37:25,109 --> 00:37:28,379 BAAING SOURDOUGH BREAD AND HI BEEN BREAKING BREAD FOR YEARS 638 00:37:28,446 --> 00:37:31,182 LIKE WHEN ARE YOUINTO A BAND BEFORE EVERYONE KNOWS THEM THEN 639 00:37:31,248 --> 00:37:34,785 EM LOVES THEM, THAT IS HOW I FELT WITH SOURDOUGH, ALL THESE 640 00:37:34,852 --> 00:37:40,191 PEOPLE, I GUARANTEE YOU, JAISM GILL BE HAUL ISN'T BRAKING BREAD 641 00:37:40,257 --> 00:37:42,426 TODAY. >> Stephen: WOW, YOU HEAR THAT 642 00:37:42,493 --> 00:37:44,395 JAKE. >> YOU ARE DOING A MOVIE, GOING 643 00:37:44,462 --> 00:37:48,966 TO BE BEN AFFLECK AND MATT DAMON SHOW, AIR JORDAN ABOUT NIKE, 644 00:37:49,033 --> 00:37:52,403 THERE YOU ARE. WITH MATT DAMON. 645 00:37:52,470 --> 00:37:53,270 >> YEAH. >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE. 646 00:37:53,337 --> 00:37:57,475 >> UH-HUH. >> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY 647 00:37:57,541 --> 00:38:01,379 FAT DAMON. SOMETIMES YOU GET FAT DAMON, ARE 648 00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:04,382 THOSE GUYS FUDGE. >> MUST BE FUN TO DO I A MOVIE 649 00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:07,451 WITHNESS I WORKED WITH MATT BEFORE BUT NEVER WITH BEN AND 650 00:38:07,518 --> 00:38:09,587 MATT AT THE SAME TIME. BEN WAS DIRECTING AND IT WAS 651 00:38:09,654 --> 00:38:13,090 REALLY COOL TO SEE. OLD FRIENDS, YOU YOU KNOW, FROM 652 00:38:13,157 --> 00:38:15,426 KIDS AND THEY HAVE THIS SHORT HAND WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER IT 653 00:38:15,493 --> 00:38:18,162 IS REALLY LIKE A COOL THING TO MUCH WHAT. 654 00:38:18,229 --> 00:38:20,531 LIKE WATCHING BROTHERS WORKING ON A FILM. 655 00:38:20,598 --> 00:38:24,402 AND YOU KNOW, THEY, BOSTON THING GETS A LITTLE OUT OF HAND BUT 656 00:38:24,468 --> 00:38:28,272 THIS IS ABOUT NIKE, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BOSTON BUT EVERY ONCE 657 00:38:28,339 --> 00:38:31,842 IN A WHILE YOU ARE HEAR MATT AND BEN I'M FROM HERE. 658 00:38:31,909 --> 00:38:33,944 YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M FROM HERE. 659 00:38:34,011 --> 00:38:39,884 WE'RE IN L.A. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. 660 00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:45,823 BUT THE FAT BEN OR FAT MALT. >> FAT MAT, THIS HAPPENED TO ME 661 00:38:45,890 --> 00:38:53,631 ON ANOTHER FILM, WHERE I AM LOOKING AT FAT MATT Y IS HE MOT 662 00:38:53,698 --> 00:38:55,566 MOVIE STAR, WE HAVE THE SIMILAR BODY. 663 00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:58,569 >> Stephen: I WOULD SAY THOSE ARE SIMILAR PHYSIQUES. 664 00:38:58,636 --> 00:39:02,807 >> BUT WHAT SUNDAY HIS SHIRTS, WE HAVE IS THE SAME BUILD, HE 665 00:39:02,873 --> 00:39:05,076 HAS BEAN BAG BOOBS. >> Stephen: THAT IS NOT FIM. 666 00:39:05,142 --> 00:39:08,879 >> THAT IS NOT FAT MATT, MATT IS NOT FAT, TOM IS FAT. 667 00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:12,283 MATT DOESN'T MAKE BREAD. NO. 668 00:39:12,349 --> 00:39:15,553 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, EVERYBODY IS EITHER FAT, GETTING 669 00:39:15,619 --> 00:39:20,524 FAT OR TRYING NOT TO GET FAT. >> EITHER WAY, FAT IS COMING. 670 00:39:20,591 --> 00:39:22,526 >> Stephen: TOM PAPA. >> GREAT SEEING YOU. 671 00:39:22,593 --> 00:39:24,562 >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> YEAH. 672 00:39:24,628 --> 00:39:27,798 >> Stephen: WHAT A DAY IS ON NETFLIX NOW. 673 00:39:27,865 --> 00:39:32,570 TOM PAPA, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 674 00:39:48,252 --> 00:39:50,054 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY. 675 00:39:50,121 --> 00:39:52,356 TUNE IN TOMORROW, WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE SHANIA TWAIN AND 676 00:39:52,423 --> 00:39:57,795 AYO EDEBIRI. GOOD NIGHT.