1 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:04,070 >> ELON MUSK HAS OUTFITTED 2 00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:06,573 TWITTER'S HEADQUARTERS WITH BEDROOMS FOR EMPLOYEES. 3 00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:09,442 PART OF HIS HARD-CORE VISION OF TWITTER. 4 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:13,880 ACCORDING TO ONE SOURCE, IT'S YET ANOTHER UNSPOKEN SIGN OF 5 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,915 DISRESPECT. THERE'S NO DISCUSSION, JUST LIKE 6 00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:22,622 BEDS SHOWED UP. (TO THE TUNE OF "9 TO 5") 7 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,266 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE 8 00:01:06,332 --> 00:01:13,673 SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" TONIGHT: WALKER TEXAS LOSER! 9 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,777 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: KUMAIL NANJIANI. 10 00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:23,917 AND MARIAH CAREY TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 11 00:01:23,983 --> 00:01:29,789 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND. 12 00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:32,992 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 13 00:01:33,059 --> 00:01:47,941 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 14 00:01:48,007 --> 00:01:49,809 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 15 00:01:49,876 --> 00:02:03,423 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. 16 00:02:03,490 --> 00:02:06,793 HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HEY. 17 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,630 HEY, EVERYBODY. NICE TO SEE YOU UP THERE. 18 00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:15,235 DOWN HERE. PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, EVERYBODY. 19 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:19,639 THANKS, VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. 20 00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:22,008 THAT'S-- THAT'S ALL I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS. 21 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,276 >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." 22 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:29,048 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FOLK, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT HOW ARE 23 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:31,684 YOU FEELING, FOLKS FOLKS, I COME TO YOU TONIGHT 24 00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:35,788 BOTH GRATIFIED AND TERRIFIED. GRATIFIED, BECAUSE RAPHAEL 25 00:02:35,855 --> 00:02:46,666 BEAT HERSCHEL WALKER 51. 51.4% TO 48.6%! 26 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:49,569 AND TERRIFIED BECAUSE 48.6% OF GEORGIANS LOOKED AT HERSCHEL 27 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:55,275 WALKER AND SAID, "THAT GUY SHOULD BE A U.S. SENATOR." 28 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,678 BUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS I AM GRATIFIED IS THAT WITH THE 29 00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:02,215 ELECTION OVER, I FINALLY GET TO USE THESE JOKES WE WROTE A MONTH 30 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:06,853 AGO, FOR ELECTION NIGHT: DO WE HAVE-- DO WE HAVE-- NO, 31 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:14,761 THAT'S-- SEALED WITH WAX. THAT'S BACK WHEN NEW YORK WAS 32 00:03:14,827 --> 00:03:17,130 STILL UNDER THE FEUDAL SYSTEM, I THINK. 33 00:03:17,196 --> 00:03:19,966 LET'S GET THIS OPEN, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE. 34 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:26,539 WARNOCK HAS WON GEORGIA! IT'S FITTING HE'S A REVEREND, 35 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:34,614 BECAUSE WHEN I HEAR THAT, ALL I CAN SAY IS "THANK GOD." 36 00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,183 THIS IS A TOUGH BREAK FOR WALKER, THOUGH IT'LL TAKE HIM A 37 00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:44,090 COUPLE DAYS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT HAS HAPPENED. 38 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:47,126 THIS IS A MONTH OLD JOKE. WITH THIS LOSS, WALKER IS 39 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:50,930 EXPECTED TO RETURN TO HIS PREVIOUS JOB, LYING ABOUT HAVING 40 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:56,536 PREVIOUS JOBS. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IT GIVES 41 00:03:56,603 --> 00:03:59,038 HIM MORE TIME TO SPEND WITH HIS FAMILY, AND MORE TIME TO FIGURE 42 00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:08,348 OUT WHO THAT IS. THERE YOU GO. 43 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:10,883 HAVE THESE ENGRAVED ON TITANIUM TABLETS AND BURIED IN THE 44 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:14,887 DESERT. ONE INTERESTING WRINKLE HERE IS 45 00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:16,089 THAT WALKER WAS HAND-PICKED BY THE FORMER PRESIDENT, AGAINST 46 00:04:16,155 --> 00:04:19,425 THE ADVICE OF EVERYONE WHO HAD MET HERSCHEL WALKER. 47 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:24,230 BUT LAST NIGHT, WALKER DID SOMETHING THAT GOES AGAINST HIS 48 00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:27,333 MENTOR'S CORE BELIEFS: HE ACCEPTED REALITY. 49 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:31,037 WALKER CONCEDED, BUT IN HIS SPEECH, HE TRIED TO KEEP THINGS 50 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,072 POSITIVE. >> HEY, I'M A WINNER, AND WE ALL 51 00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,508 WINNERS, WE ARE ALL WINNERS. AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SAY. 52 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:37,076 WE ARE ALL WINNERS. >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE, 53 00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:39,712 HERSCHEL. IN SOME WAYS, WE'RE ALL WINNERS. 54 00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:44,651 BUT NOT IN THIS WAY. IN THIS WAY, YOU LOST. 55 00:04:44,717 --> 00:04:46,719 AND IN OTHER WAYS WE'RE WINNERS. AND IN CELEBRATION OF YOU 56 00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,722 WINNING AT LOSING, WE'LL BE SENDING YOU THIS BEAUTIFUL 57 00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:56,996 TROPHY, "WORLD'S MOST DAD." WALKER-- WORKING 9 TO 5. 58 00:04:57,063 --> 00:05:00,133 ♪ WALKER TALKED ABOUT THE MOMENT 59 00:05:00,199 --> 00:05:02,769 HE REALIZED HIS LONG, RAMBLY PATH WAS STUMBLING TO AN END. 60 00:05:02,835 --> 00:05:06,973 >> WE'VE HAD A TOUGH JOURNEY, HAVE WE NOT? 61 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,342 BUT ONE OF THE THINGS I SAID AS THEY-- WHEN THEY CALLED THE 62 00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:12,445 RACE, I SAID THE NUMBERS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO ADD 63 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:15,448 UP. >> Stephen: THEY DID NOT ADD UP. 64 00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:16,883 HE'S CLEARLY LEARNING HIS NUMBERS. 65 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:20,353 NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'LL HAVE TO TELL HIM WHERE BABIES COME 66 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:23,589 FROM. FROM YOU, HERSCHEL. 67 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:28,561 APPARENTLY, THEY'RE ALL FROM YOU. 68 00:05:28,628 --> 00:05:32,298 SURE, HERSCHEL WALKER. HERSCHEL WALKER. 69 00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,567 SO A BAD NIGHT FOR HERSCHEL WALKER BUT A GREAT NIGHT FOR 70 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:37,603 RAPHAEL WARNOCK, WHO'S HAD TO WIN FIVE ELECTIONS IN THE LAST 71 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:41,441 TWO YEARS. HERE'S HOW HE KICKED OFF HIS 72 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:56,055 VICTORY SPEECH: >> AFTER A HARD-FOUGHT CAMPAIGN, 73 00:05:56,122 --> 00:06:02,028 OR SHOULD I SAY CAMPAIGNS? (CHEERS) 74 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:11,938 IT IS MY HONOR TO UTTER THE FOUR MOST POWERFUL WORDS EVER SPOKEN 75 00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:16,175 IN A DEMOCRACY. >> Stephen: "WE HAVE THE MEATS?" 76 00:06:16,242 --> 00:06:17,677 WARNOCK'S WIN IS ESPECIALLY EXCITING, BECAUSE IT'S YET 77 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:20,713 ANOTHER BLOW TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT. 78 00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:24,117 EVEN BEFORE LAST NIGHT, THE MAJOR CANDIDATES HE ENDORSED IN 79 00:06:24,183 --> 00:06:25,718 NEVADA, ARIZONA, PENNSYLVANIA, NEW HAMPSHIRE, AND MICHIGAN 80 00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:33,526 ALL LOST. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 81 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:38,931 GOOSE EGGS. AND NOW, SOME G.O.P. INSIDERS 82 00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:41,267 ARE SAYING GEORGIA MAY BE REMEMBERED AS THE STATE THAT 83 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,271 BROKE HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL. YES! 84 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:52,178 GEORGIA BROKE HIM! BOOM! 85 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:55,615 OR AS I JUST TEXTED EVERYONE IN MY PHONE: "PEACH EMOJI, FIST 86 00:06:55,681 --> 00:06:59,752 EMOJI." PEOPLE LOVE IT. 87 00:06:59,819 --> 00:07:03,456 GETTING LOTS OF EXCLAMATION POINTS. 88 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:07,527 SPEAKING OF TOXIC NARCISSISTS, TWITTER C.E.O. AND WORLD'S 89 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,163 RICHEST LUMP OF NOUGAT, ELON MUSK. 90 00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:13,566 AS PART OF HIS MOVE TO MAKE TWITTER "HARDCORE", ELON'S BEEN 91 00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:16,636 ASKING TWITTER WORKERS TO STAY LONG HOURS AT THE OFFICE. 92 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:19,772 AND ON MONDAY HE TOOK IT A STEP FURTHER AND OUTFITTED TWITTER'S 93 00:07:19,839 --> 00:07:21,207 HEADQUARTERS WITH BEDROOMS FOR EMPLOYEES. 94 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:23,709 I'M NOT SURPRISED HE PUT BEDS IN THE OFFICE. 95 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:29,615 HE DOESN'T WANT HIS EMPLOYEES TO BE "WOKE." 96 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:30,483 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY 97 00:07:30,550 --> 00:07:37,824 MUCH. THANK YOU. 98 00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:39,759 SO WHAT KIND OF LUXURY TECH WELLNESS ROOMS WERE THESE? 99 00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:43,129 APPARENTLY THEY CONSISTED OF UNMADE MATTRESSES, DRAB 100 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:45,631 CURTAINS, AND GIANT CONFERENCE-ROOM MONITORS. 101 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:47,834 THAT'S NOT A BEDROOM. THAT'S WHERE YOU WAKE UP AFTER 102 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:54,307 THE SERIAL KILLER WON. THIS IS BAD FOR A LOT OF 103 00:07:54,373 --> 00:07:56,509 REASONS, BUT LET'S NOT FORGET, IT'S ALSO SAD. 104 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,944 ELON, IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER, JUST ASK ALL YOUR 105 00:07:58,010 --> 00:08:04,383 FRIENDS... OOH, RIGHT. (APPLAUSE) 106 00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:10,122 SO, SO SO THESE BEDROOMS SOUND PRETTY 107 00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:12,058 BLEAK. BUT THERE ARE SOME PERKS. 108 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:15,294 INSIDERS REPORT ONE ROOM HAS A PLANT. 109 00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,262 SEE? WHY SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY 110 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:20,233 WHEN YOU COULD HANG OUT WITH PLANT? 111 00:08:20,299 --> 00:08:24,270 IF LIVING AT TWITTER SOUNDS BAD, IT'S ACTUALLY WORSE, BECAUSE 112 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,372 ALSO ON MONDAY, TWITTER'S JANITORS WENT ON STRIKE. 113 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,841 I DON'T BLAME THEM. PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING IN THEIR 114 00:08:28,908 --> 00:08:32,245 OFFICES, SHOWERING IN THE BATHROOMS, AND SOME IDIOT TORE 115 00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:39,952 THE SINK OFF THE WALL. AND NOW, LET'S VISIT THE WORLD 116 00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:43,089 OF MAGAZINES: THE TWITTER OF PRINT. 117 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,157 TODAY, "TIME" MAGAZINE UNVEILED THEIR PERSON OF THE YEAR: 118 00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:50,329 UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKY. 119 00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:53,199 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT'S LOVELY. 120 00:08:53,266 --> 00:09:00,006 NICE PHOTO. THAT'S PRETTY COOL. 121 00:09:00,072 --> 00:09:02,608 PRETTY COOL, BUT EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE, HE MADE THE COVER OF 122 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:12,652 COSMO! I DOESN'T FEEL HAPPY ABOUT IT ON 123 00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,387 THE COVER. I FEEL LIKE I CAN SHARE IN THIS 124 00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:16,255 HOOR A LITTLE BIT, BECAUSE TIME SAYS A HUGE PART OF ZELENSKY'S 125 00:09:16,322 --> 00:09:20,793 SUCCESS CAN BE TRACED TO HIS CAREER AS A TV COMEDIAN, 126 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:24,297 WRITING, "ZELENSKY WAS ADAPTABLE, TRAINED NOT TO LOSE 127 00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:26,365 HIS NERVE UNDER PRESSURE. HE KNEW HOW TO READ A CROWD 128 00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:29,302 AND REACT TO ITS MOODS AND EXPECTATIONS." 129 00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:33,172 OH SURE, COMEDY IS THE PERFECT TRAINING FOR WARTIME LEADERSHIP. 130 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:37,009 IT'S PROBABLY WHY NO ONE HAS DARED TO INVADE THE ED SULLIVAN 131 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:44,951 THEATER. YEAH. 132 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:50,389 (APPLAUSE) WELL, THAT, AND WE HAVE NUKES. 133 00:09:50,456 --> 00:09:56,395 THANK YOU, DAVE. STAYING IN EUROPE, THERE'S NEWS 134 00:09:56,462 --> 00:10:00,066 AUF DEUSTCHLAND, WHERE THE GERMAN POLIZEI HAVE ARRESTED 25 135 00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:02,401 FAR-RIGHT TERROR SUSPECTS WHO WERE INFLUENCED BY QANON AND 136 00:10:02,468 --> 00:10:06,172 PLOTTING TO OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT. 137 00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:10,242 OKAY, I HOPE YOU WERE APPLAUDING THE ARRESTING THEM AND NOT 138 00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:12,478 APPLAUDING THE Q-ANON OR ELSE SECURITY WILL BE SAYING 139 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:14,547 SOMETHING TO YOU BEFORE YOU LEAVE. 140 00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:18,184 THAT IS ALSO GRATIFYING AND TERRIFYING. 141 00:10:18,250 --> 00:10:20,252 GRATIFYING, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT THE ONLY COUNTRY QANON IS TRYING 142 00:10:20,319 --> 00:10:24,256 TO OVERTHROW! AND TERRIFYING BECAUSE WE'RE NOT 143 00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:27,893 THE ONLY COUNTRY Q-ANON IS TRYING TO OVERTHROW. 144 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:32,264 TURNS OUT, FAR-RIGHT TERRORISM IS A THREAT EVERYWHERE, AND THIS 145 00:10:32,331 --> 00:10:35,401 PLOT WAS ON A HUGE SCALE. THOUSANDS OF POLICE OFFICERS 146 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,237 CARRIED OUT RAIDS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY. 147 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,840 THAT SOUNDS INTENSE, BUT REMEMBER IT WAS DONE WITH THOSE 148 00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:44,243 ADORABLE EUROPEAN SIRENS. "WEEE-WOOO WEEE-WOOO!" 149 00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:48,881 (AS GIDDY GERMAN) "OH DIS IS SO CUTE! 150 00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:57,623 ZEY ARE COMINK TO GET US!" (APPLAUSE) 151 00:10:57,690 --> 00:11:04,864 MEANWHILE, BACK IN AMERICA, NEW JERSEY IS A PLACE. 152 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:07,033 I FEEL LIKE I JUST BROKE THE NEWS. 153 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:09,435 AND PEOPLE ARE FROM THERE. AND ONE OF THE PEOPLE FROM NEW 154 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,137 JERSEY WE JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT WAS FORMER NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR 155 00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:15,307 CHRIS CHRISTIE'S NIECE, WHO WAS KICKED OFF A SPIRIT AIRLINES 156 00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:18,944 FLIGHT AND ARRESTED AFTER SHE ACCUSED A LATINO FAMILY OF 157 00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,079 "SMUGGLING COCAINE," AND ALLEGEDLY INJURED SIX SHERIFF'S 158 00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:24,450 DEPUTIES. SO, PRETTY STANDARD FLIGHT FOR 159 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:30,022 SPIRIT. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 160 00:11:30,089 --> 00:11:31,257 TONIGHT! MY GUEST IS KUMAIL NANJIANI. 161 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:36,962 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO 162 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,565 MARIAH CAREY. THAT'S RIGHT, QUEEN OF CHRISTMAS 163 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:45,638 IS HERE. STICK AROUND. 164 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,502 >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK. GIVE IT UP ONE MORE TIME FOR 165 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:22,074 THAT BAND RIGHT THERE. ANDY ON THE BASS, KILLING IT. 166 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:28,547 (APPLAUSE) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OH, Y'ALL 167 00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:32,151 ARE IN-- Y'ALL ARE IN FOR A CHRISTMAS TREAT BECAUSE 168 00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:33,719 >> Stephen: MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A FIVE-TIME GRAMMY AWARD WINNER, 169 00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:35,087 AND THE BEST-SELLING FEMALE ARTIST OF ALL TIME, WITH MORE 170 00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,623 THAN 200 MILLION RECORDS SOLD WORLDWIDE. 171 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,159 HERE TO TAKE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT," PLEASE WELCOME 172 00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:45,831 BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MARIAH CAREY! 173 00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:49,235 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL. 174 00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:56,642 ♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A NATURAL WOMAN. 175 00:12:56,709 --> 00:13:11,557 ♪ (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 176 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,627 LOVELY. >> DO I SIT, DO I STAND. 177 00:13:14,693 --> 00:13:17,897 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. >> Stephen: THE QUEEN SITS. 178 00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:20,199 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 179 00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:25,104 >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: HOW DELIGHTFUL, 180 00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:27,373 HOW LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE IN PERSON. 181 00:13:27,439 --> 00:13:29,175 >> WELL, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: WE HAD TALKED 182 00:13:29,241 --> 00:13:32,444 BEFORE IN DECEMBER OF 2020 TO TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW YORK TIMES 183 00:13:32,511 --> 00:13:35,381 NUMBER ONE BEST SELLING BOOK, THE MEANING OF MARIAH CAREY, 184 00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:38,317 STILL AVAILABLE, MAKES AN INCREDIBLE CHRISTMAS PRESENT. 185 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:42,688 BUT THAT WAS OVER ZOOM BECAUSE WE NEVER GOT TO ACTUALLY BE 186 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:46,091 TOGETHER. HOW LOVELY TO SENSE YOUR 187 00:13:46,158 --> 00:13:49,128 PRESENCE. >> WELL, THANK YOU FOR GRACING 188 00:13:49,195 --> 00:13:50,696 ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 189 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:54,400 >> NO, REALLY, REALLY. I WAS, THAT WAS 2020, AND IT WAS 190 00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:58,103 SO AWKWARD BECAUSE EVERYBODY, NOBODY WAS IN STUDIO SO IT WAS 191 00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,972 LIKE-- . >> Stephen: WE WERE AT HOME. 192 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:05,377 >> NO, IT WAS LIKE-- AND THEN IT WAS LIKE-- AND I-- SERIOUSLY AND 193 00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:10,115 YOU'RE LIKE OKAY, DID HE JUST ASK ME THAT, OR-- SO I DIDN'T, 194 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:13,118 FEEL THE ACTUAL VIBE. BECAUSE HAVE I TO TELL YOU THAT 195 00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:16,121 I HAVE A VERY, VERY GOOD FRIEND, SHE'S IN ISRAEL, HE LOVES YOU. 196 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:23,762 HE IS YOUR BIGGEST FAN. SO CAN YOU SAY I HAD TOKER. 197 00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:27,766 >> Stephen: HEY ELLE. >> SHALL OMZ. 198 00:14:27,833 --> 00:14:30,636 >> Stephen: HERE IS THE NICE THING, NOW THAT I GOT YOU HERE 199 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,505 IN PERSON, FIRST OF ALL IT IS EASY TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE IN 200 00:14:33,572 --> 00:14:36,842 PERSON THAN IT IS OVER ZOOM FOR ONE THING BECAUSE YOU GET THE 201 00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:40,112 MICRONUTRIENT OF BEING TOGETHER. IT IS HARD TO IDENTIFY WHAT IT 202 00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,181 IS, BUT IT IS SOMETHING SPECIAL. BUT ALSO WE HAVE SO LITTLE TIME 203 00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:45,918 TO TALK ON ONE OF THESE SHOWS THAT WHAT WE DID HERE AT THE 204 00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,787 LATE SHOW IS THAT THE SCIENTISTS UP IN THE LABS UP THERE CAME UP 205 00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:51,824 WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT ARE ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED TO BE 206 00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:54,693 ABLE TO PENETRATE STRAIGHT TO THE SOUL OF SOMEONE AND REVEAL 207 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,565 THEM FOR WHO THEY TRULY ARE IN FRONT OF AN APPRECIATIVE CROWD. 208 00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:04,503 >> THE ERGONOMICALLY DESIGNED-- GETS THE SOUL OF 209 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:05,304 THAT? >> Stephen: YES. 210 00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:06,505 >> OR WOULD THAT BE TWO SEPARATE. 211 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:10,109 >> Stephen: NO, SAME THING, THE ERGONOMIC PART GOES IN AND 212 00:15:10,175 --> 00:15:13,812 LIKE A PSYCHIC RIB SPREADER, CRACKS YOU OPEN TO REVEAL THE 213 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:16,115 BEATING HEART. >> MY RIBS HAVE BEEN CRACKED 214 00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:18,417 OPEN BY HAVING TWINS, THAT IS ONE THING. 215 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:19,652 >> Stephen: IT IS ALL A METAPHOR. 216 00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:21,153 >> I UNDERSTAND THAT. >> Stephen: OKAY. 217 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:25,257 I DIDN'T WANT TO CARE SCARE YOU. >> I HAVEN'T MET YOU BEFORE. 218 00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:28,093 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM LIKE IT IS VERY 219 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,129 SIMPLE. WHAT I WOULD LIKE, WOULD YOU BE 220 00:15:30,195 --> 00:15:32,898 WILLING TO TAKE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 221 00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:36,435 >> I'M READY. I ACTUALLY-- IS THAT GOOD? 222 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:39,571 HI GUYS. LOVING, LOVING, LOVING. 223 00:15:39,638 --> 00:15:49,148 NO, SO I WAS ASKED IF I WANTED TO TAKE A-- PEEK BUT I DIDN'T 224 00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,416 BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER BE SURPRISED. 225 00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:54,687 I WILL JUST SAY, CAN I JUST SAY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING 226 00:15:54,753 --> 00:15:57,923 TO ASK ME. BUT I'M JUST GOING TO WING T 227 00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:00,426 DARLING, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. 228 00:16:00,492 --> 00:16:01,927 >> Stephen: NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 229 00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:03,162 ARE YOU MARIAH CAREY. >> YEAH, YEAH. 230 00:16:03,228 --> 00:16:06,365 I MEAN EVEN IF IT COMES OUT HOWEVER IT COMES OUT, JUST 231 00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:08,434 PLEASE DEAL WITH ME. DEAL WITH ME. 232 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:14,073 I CAN ONLY BE ME. >> Stephen: SINCE YOU ARE YOU, 233 00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:17,343 YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF CHRISTMAS, I'VE GOT A COUPLE. 234 00:16:17,409 --> 00:16:21,613 >> FIRST OF ALL, MAY I SAY, I NEVER CALLED MYSELF THE QUEEN OF 235 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,683 CHRISTMAS. CAN WE PLEASE BE CLEAR ON THAT. 236 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,753 >> Stephen: THAT, I NEVER ACCUSED YOU OF THAT. 237 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:30,956 >> YOU DID NOT, NO, YOU DID NOT, MY FRIEND. 238 00:16:31,023 --> 00:16:34,393 BUT OTHERS HAVE SELF-PROCLAIMED QUEEN OF CHRISTMAS. 239 00:16:34,460 --> 00:16:38,564 REALLY, I'M GOING TO DO THAT? THEY CAN LOOK UP EVERY INTERVIEW 240 00:16:38,630 --> 00:16:41,867 I'VE EVER DONE, AND NOT TO GET SUPERRELIGIOUS, BUT IF ANYBODY 241 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:46,105 WOULD BE THE QUEEN OF CHRISTMAS THAT WAS MARY. 242 00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:49,174 AND THEN SOMEBODY ELSE, USES MY QUOTE AGAINST ME, CHRISTMAS IS 243 00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:51,510 FOR ALL. AND I JUST HAPPEN TO ACTUALLY 244 00:16:51,577 --> 00:16:54,713 REALLY LOVE CHRISTMAS, BECAUSE I GREW UP AND HAD KIND EVER A 245 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,516 TOUGH CHILDHOOD AND I ALWAYS WANTED CHRISTMAS TO BE PERFECT. 246 00:16:57,583 --> 00:17:00,586 AND IT NEVER WAS. SO WHEN I WAS ABLE TO FINALLY 247 00:17:00,652 --> 00:17:04,123 PROVIDE MYSELF AND MY FRIENDS AND THEN LATER, NOW MY KIDS WHO 248 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:09,928 ARE 11, HEY, WE HAVE THE MOST SPECIAL CHRISTMAS EVER. 249 00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:14,466 BUT IT COMES FROM THE WHOLE THING OF, IT STEMS FROM LIKE HOW 250 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:20,072 DO YOU LIKE-- WHY IS IT LIKE THAT, BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY 251 00:17:20,139 --> 00:17:22,674 AUTHENTIC AND IT CAME FROM A PLACE OF LONGING TO HAVE SOME 252 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:27,746 NORMALCY AND SOME, YOU KNOW, PEACE AND JUST LIKE A LOVELY 253 00:17:27,813 --> 00:17:30,015 HOLIDAY. AND SHOW, SOMEONE WOULD BE 254 00:17:30,082 --> 00:17:33,752 THROWING MUSTARD AT SOMEBODY ELSE OR KETCHUP, OR WHATEVER. 255 00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:38,290 SO I WENT THROUGH THAT AND NOW IT'S JUST, I WAIT ALL YEAR LONG. 256 00:17:38,357 --> 00:17:42,694 SO IT IS ACTUALLY A REAL THING. SO EDIT IT HOW YOU WILL. 257 00:17:42,761 --> 00:17:46,298 BUT ST. >> Stephen: A LOT OF WORDS. 258 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:47,766 >> ONE THING EVERYBODY SHOULD BE AWARE OF. 259 00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:51,503 >> Stephen: YES. >> THE ARTIST ACTUALLY MAY, I AM 260 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:58,110 THE WRITER OF, WE MAKE ON SCREEN ONE 16th OF A PENNY ON EVERY 261 00:17:58,177 --> 00:18:01,113 STREAM. >> LITERALLY ONE-- 16th. 262 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,849 >> Stephen: IT IS HALF A PENNY. 263 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:09,755 >> SO NOT EVEN A H HAYPENNY, YOU HAVEN'T A PENNY, A HAYPENNY WILL 264 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:13,592 DO. SO I CAN'T DOT MATH, GET THE 265 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,094 SCIENTOLOGISTS, SCIENTISTS. >> Jon: OR THE SCIENTOLOGIST. 266 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:20,532 >> NOBODY KNOWS BETTER THAN ME, ALL I KNOW IS WE ONLY MAKE 267 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:22,100 1/16th BUT STILL WE'RE THANKFUL FOR ALL OF IT. 268 00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:24,303 >> Stephen: TOM CRUISE DOES HIS OWN MATH. 269 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:27,239 >> DOES HE REALLY? I FAILED REMED YAL MATH. 270 00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,608 >> Stephen: DID YOU REALLY. >> YEAH, I DID. 271 00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:30,976 I HEARD YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: YEAH. 272 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,878 >> I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES THAT I DIDN'T. 273 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:37,316 I DON'T KNOW IF I DID. BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE BECAUSE 274 00:18:37,382 --> 00:18:38,684 I WAS 14 AND SINGING. >> Stephen: IT ALL WORKED OUT. 275 00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:40,319 >> RIGHT, I DID THE BEST I COULD. 276 00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:46,125 >> Stephen: AS FAR AS CAN I TELL, NUMBER ONE, DEFINITELY 277 00:18:46,191 --> 00:18:49,294 HARDEST OF ALL TIME. >> YOU'RE DOCK ALL RIGHT. 278 00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:50,762 >> Stephen: YAIRKS I ONLY HAVE TWO GRAMMYS. 279 00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:54,766 SO HERE, WE'LL START OFF WITH A COUPLE OF CHRISTMAS QUESTIONS IF 280 00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:59,371 YU DON'T MIND. MARIAH CAREY, WHITE LIGHTS OR 281 00:18:59,438 --> 00:19:03,709 COLORED LIGHTS AT CHRISTMAS? >> I'M GOING TO SAY IS THAT 282 00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:09,114 POLITICALLY CORRECT IN THE WAY THAT YOU SAID THAT? 283 00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:10,682 (LAUGHTER). >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, I 284 00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:14,753 DON'T KNOW. >> I'M GOING TO-- AS A BIRACIAL, 285 00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:23,128 BLACK AND BIS RACIAL MIX, BLACK, IRISH-- BLACK IRISH LIQUOR. 286 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:26,198 >> Jon: SUR YOUR LICK CERTIFICATE CALLED BLACK IRISH. 287 00:19:26,265 --> 00:19:28,600 >> I REWORKED IT. >> Stephen: ARE YOU BLACK 288 00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:36,174 IRISH. >> MY MOTHER IS-- IT WAS EASIER 289 00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:39,745 FOR THEM TO PUT ME IN A BOX BUT I'M BLACK IRISH BUT REALLY THE 290 00:19:39,811 --> 00:19:42,514 DEFINITION IS LIKE A DARKER HAIRED IRISH PERSON. 291 00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:45,117 >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT, I'M BLACK IRISH. 292 00:19:45,183 --> 00:19:50,422 >> OKAY SO NOW I'M BLACK IRISH. AND THAT IS WHAT ST, AND IT IS 293 00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:52,991 TASTES REALLY GOOD. ESPECIALLY THE HOLIDAYS WHERE 294 00:19:53,058 --> 00:20:00,365 YOU CAN PUT IT OVER ICE AS WELL. >> Stephen: HOT COCO OR 295 00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:03,101 EGGNOG. >> HOT COCO WITH A SPLASH OF 296 00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:07,339 BLACK IRISH, Y'ALL, I'M FOR REAL, I'M NOT EVEN TRYING. 297 00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:09,441 >> Stephen: YOU CAN'T HELP T YOU JUST WORK IT. 298 00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:11,643 >> BUT I REALLY, REALLY SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT SOME FOR YOU. 299 00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,379 >> Stephen: TREE TOPPER, ANGEL OR STAR. 300 00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:16,148 >> BOTH. >> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FIT 301 00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:18,116 THEM BOTH UP THERE. >> BECAUSE HAVE I FOUR TREES IN 302 00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:22,020 MY HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU WANT. >> Stephen: HOW EARLY YOU CAN 303 00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:25,257 START LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC, VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. 304 00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:26,391 >> SUPERIMPORTANT. >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU KNOW 305 00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:28,927 THE FIRST SONG EVERY STORE PUTS ON. 306 00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:32,497 >> I CANNOT, YOU KNOW WHAT IS INTERESTING, I WROTE THAT SONG. 307 00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:36,802 I DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE TIME SO I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY, I WAS IN THE 308 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:40,472 W-O-M-B-O PRIOR TO WHEN I WROTE T TECHNICALLY, CUZ IT CAME OUT 309 00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:46,845 IN THE 90 ITSEE, I'VE BEEN-- SO I WROTE T I DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT 310 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:51,083 WOULD LAST AND DO WHAT IT HAS DONE FOR ME, BUT NOW I'M NOT 311 00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:53,251 REALLY IN STORES EXCEPT WHEN I GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WHICH IS 312 00:20:53,318 --> 00:20:57,656 THE ONLY TIME I GO SHOPPING AND IN THE STORES I GO TO, I'M GOING 313 00:20:57,723 --> 00:21:02,060 TO BUY PEOPLE THAT WANT DESIGNER GIFTS FROM ME, THEY EXPECT ME TO 314 00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:06,064 GO WHERENEVER AND GET T SO THEY ARE PLAYING COOL MUSIC IT IS NOT 315 00:21:06,131 --> 00:21:09,401 REALLY THE CHRISTMAS DIDDIES, SO I NEVER GET TO HEAR IT OUT IN 316 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:11,036 THE STORES. AND MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE I JUST 317 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:15,907 HAD YOU ON. -- AND I'M JUST LIKE OH, OKAY. 318 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:19,511 I WILL LISTEN AT HOME. HAVE I MY OWN CHRISTMAS PLAY 319 00:21:19,578 --> 00:21:21,013 LIST THAT I LISTEN TO. >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE TOP 320 00:21:21,079 --> 00:21:22,948 YIS MASS. >> NAT KING COLE. 321 00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:24,383 >> Stephen: THE CHRISTMAS SONG. 322 00:21:24,449 --> 00:21:28,120 >> JOHNNY HATHAWAY AND NAT. >> Stephen: WE WILL HOLD IT 323 00:21:28,186 --> 00:21:32,891 THERE FOR JUST ONE SECOND. AND WHEN WE COME BACK MARIAH 324 00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,861 CAREY WILL COMPLETE THE COLBERT QUESTION ERT. 325 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:37,663 DON'T GO AWAY. 326 00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:46,304 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. LOOK AT THAT. 327 00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:47,506 >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH MARIAH CAREY, AND WE NOW RETURN 328 00:21:47,572 --> 00:21:53,879 TO THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT." ALREADY IN PROGRESS. 329 00:21:53,945 --> 00:21:56,415 ARE YOU READY TO GET INTO THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT FOR REAL. 330 00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:58,417 >> ARE YOU GOING TO EDIT ALL THAT OUT? 331 00:21:58,483 --> 00:22:02,287 >> Stephen: NO, MARIAH CAREY, WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH. 332 00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:05,657 >> OH GOSH, I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. 333 00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:07,959 >> Stephen: THESE ARE TOUGH QUESTIONS. 334 00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:10,362 >> I AM TRYING THOT TO EAT SANDWICHES LATELY. 335 00:22:10,429 --> 00:22:13,231 >> Stephen: IF YOU COULD EAT A SANDWICH WHAT IS THE BEST, YOUR 336 00:22:13,298 --> 00:22:15,867 GO TO, BABY. >> OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD RIGHT 337 00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:17,769 NOW. >> Stephen: YES. 338 00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:21,106 >> I WOULD SAY CHICKEN PARM SANDWICH BUT NOT WITH PARMESAN I 339 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:23,675 WOULD DO MAZ RELA AND A RED SAUCE OP TOP OF IT WITH A 340 00:22:23,742 --> 00:22:28,246 LIGHTLY TOASTED THINGY. >> Stephen: 100%. 341 00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,282 >> BUT SMALL AND THIN AND POUNDED. 342 00:22:30,348 --> 00:22:31,316 >> Stephen: LOVE IT. >> YES. 343 00:22:31,383 --> 00:22:33,785 >> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN THIS ANY THOUGHT. 344 00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:36,621 WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU OWN YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW OUT. 345 00:22:36,688 --> 00:22:40,826 >> MANY, MANY, MANY THINGS. >> Stephen: NAME ONE, 346 00:22:40,892 --> 00:22:44,162 SOMETHING TO GO OUT IN THE GARBAGE OR GIVEAWAY OR RESELL. 347 00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:46,998 >> THERE IS A JACK NET MY CLOSET RIGHT NOW THAT EVERYBODY WHO 348 00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:51,536 KNOWS MY CLOSET WILL KNOW WHAT ST, IT IS A NICE GESTURE BUT IT 349 00:22:51,603 --> 00:22:54,573 IS HIDEOUSLY UGLY AND IT HAS GOT TO GO IF I SEND IT TO YOU ONE 350 00:22:54,639 --> 00:22:59,311 DAY WILL YOU SHOW IT. >> Stephen: I WILL WEAR IT. 351 00:22:59,377 --> 00:23:01,780 >> YOU WILL NOT-- . >> Stephen: I WILL WEAR IT. 352 00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:04,316 >> OKAY. I PROMISE, SOMEBODY HELP ME, 353 00:23:04,382 --> 00:23:05,317 PLEASE. >> Stephen: YOU SEND T I WILL 354 00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:06,885 WEAR IT. >> WILL YOU WEAR T BUT YOU CAN'T 355 00:23:06,952 --> 00:23:10,455 MAKE FUN OF IT, YOU HAVE TO WEAR IT AND JUST BE SERIOUS AND 356 00:23:10,522 --> 00:23:13,024 ASKING, EVEN IF IS THE MOST LEARNED PERSON ON THE PLANET, 357 00:23:13,091 --> 00:23:18,497 YOU HAVE TO JUST BE LIKE REALLY SERIOUS SITTING THERE. 358 00:23:18,563 --> 00:23:21,800 >> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR IT TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE. 359 00:23:21,867 --> 00:23:25,137 >> ALL RIGHT, I WILL SAY THIS, ST A MULTICOLORED. 360 00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:27,105 T IS COLORFUL. >> Stephen: COLORFUL, I WILL 361 00:23:27,172 --> 00:23:29,441 WEAR IT. >> AND IT IS PLENTIFUL IN COLOR. 362 00:23:29,508 --> 00:23:33,345 TAND IS BRIGHT AND SPARKLY. AND IT IS CROPPED. 363 00:23:33,411 --> 00:23:38,316 >> Stephen: IS IT THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAM COAT. 364 00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:39,217 >> IF YOU WANT IT TO BE THAN IT IS. 365 00:23:39,284 --> 00:23:41,319 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THE SCARIEST ANIMAL. 366 00:23:41,386 --> 00:23:44,089 >> ON EARTH? >> Stephen: IF YOU HAVE BEEN 367 00:23:44,156 --> 00:23:47,259 TO ANOTHER PLANET WITH AN ANIMAL, LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT. 368 00:23:47,325 --> 00:23:48,894 >> MAYBE YOU'LL FIND OUT ONE OF THESE DAYS. 369 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:53,665 >> Stephen: WHAT ANIMAL ON EARTH IS SCARIEST TO YOU. 370 00:23:53,732 --> 00:23:56,868 >> YOU. I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING, 371 00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:57,936 KIDDING. I'M NOT A FAN OF, I MEAN, I 372 00:23:58,003 --> 00:24:04,442 DON'T KNOW, I'M SCARED OF SNAKES. 373 00:24:04,509 --> 00:24:06,144 >> Stephen: CLASSIC. >> IT IS CLASSIC. 374 00:24:06,211 --> 00:24:10,382 >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES. >> ORANGES. 375 00:24:10,448 --> 00:24:13,485 >> Stephen: OKAY. >> WHY, WHY IS THAT WRONG. 376 00:24:13,552 --> 00:24:17,222 >> Stephen: IT'S NOT WRONG. >> BUT WHY IS IT LIKE THAT, 377 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:18,390 BECAUSE APPLE, I'M SUPPOSED TO GO WITH APPLE. 378 00:24:18,456 --> 00:24:19,825 >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO WITH ANYTHING. 379 00:24:19,891 --> 00:24:20,959 >> APPLES ARE GREAT, I LIKE APPLES. 380 00:24:21,026 --> 00:24:22,160 >> Stephen: I JUST LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU 381 00:24:22,227 --> 00:24:25,764 SAID ORANGE. >> I HAVE A TANGERINE OR AN 382 00:24:25,831 --> 00:24:31,603 ORANGE TRK WOULDN'T BE ONE THING, I PROBABLY WOULD DO A-- I 383 00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:34,072 MIX, I TEND TO PUT THINGS TOGETHER, TREAT IT AS DESSERT. 384 00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:36,741 >> Stephen: THAT IS WHY ARE YOU EXCITING BECAUSE ARE YOU UP 385 00:24:36,808 --> 00:24:42,013 FOR WHATEVER. >> WELL, NOT REALLY. 386 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,417 >> Stephen: NOT APPLES. >> ACTUALLY I'M VERY BORING AND 387 00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:47,018 AWFUL. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T SEEM IT. 388 00:24:47,085 --> 00:24:49,788 >> THAT IS BECAUSE I AM HERE WITH YOU, DARLING. 389 00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:52,891 I'M TRYING TO JUST, STAY SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE VICINITY OF 390 00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:54,125 WHERE YOU ARE. >> Stephen: WELCOME. 391 00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:57,195 WELCOME TO THE VICINITY. >> THAN, WHY HAVE YOU NOT GONE 392 00:24:57,262 --> 00:25:05,070 TO ANOTHER PLANET YET? >> Stephen: GIVE ME A TICKET, 393 00:25:05,136 --> 00:25:07,472 I WILL GO. >> WE GOT TO ASK SOME OF OUR 394 00:25:07,539 --> 00:25:09,708 OTHER FRIENDS FOR THAT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK 395 00:25:09,774 --> 00:25:13,411 HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? >> WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS. 396 00:25:13,478 --> 00:25:16,348 >> Stephen: I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS. 397 00:25:16,414 --> 00:25:20,785 >> AND MY ANSWER IS A QUESTION. >> Stephen: SO YOU QUESTION 398 00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:23,688 WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN WE DIE. >> YOU QUESTION WHAT WILL HAPPEN 399 00:25:23,755 --> 00:25:27,192 WHEN WE DIE YOU CANS CUZ YOU ASKED THE QUESTION. 400 00:25:27,259 --> 00:25:28,593 I ALREADY KNOW. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE NO 401 00:25:28,660 --> 00:25:29,694 QUESTION. >> NO I HAVE FAITH. 402 00:25:29,761 --> 00:25:34,132 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE FAITH. >> YES, I DO. 403 00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:40,105 THE ASSURED EXPECTATION-- . >> Stephen: IT IS DONE. 404 00:25:40,171 --> 00:25:44,109 >> DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT TEACHERRING SUNDAY SCHOOL? 405 00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:46,778 >> NO, IT IS TOO EARLY. IT IS TOO EARLY FOR ME, I'M 406 00:25:46,845 --> 00:25:52,817 REALLY A NICE PERSON, I AM NIGHT PERSON I'M LUCKY I AM AWAKE 407 00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:54,886 RIGHT NOW. >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE. 408 00:25:54,953 --> 00:25:57,989 >> ON A PLANE. >> Stephen: MAYBE A SUBMARINE. 409 00:25:58,056 --> 00:26:03,795 >> DEPENDS ON THE PLANE BUT-- . >> Stephen: WINDOW OR AISLE. 410 00:26:03,862 --> 00:26:07,265 >> BED, YES. THIS ONE. 411 00:26:07,332 --> 00:26:13,271 >> Stephen: I GOT TO GET ON A BETTER PLANE. 412 00:26:13,338 --> 00:26:16,975 ALL RIGHT. >> IT SAN OCCASIONAL,. 413 00:26:17,042 --> 00:26:17,842 >> Stephen: A TREAT. >> YEAH. 414 00:26:17,909 --> 00:26:20,545 >> Stephen: MOST USED APP ON YOUR PHONE. 415 00:26:20,612 --> 00:26:22,614 >> VOICE MAIL. >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS. 416 00:26:22,681 --> 00:26:26,184 >> OH, THAT IS REALLY DIFFICULT FOR ME. 417 00:26:26,251 --> 00:26:30,789 RIGHT NOW DOGS BECAUSE I HAVE FOUR OF THEM AT HOME. 418 00:26:30,855 --> 00:26:34,292 >> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD. >> BUT FOR LIFE I CAN'T CHOOSE. 419 00:26:34,359 --> 00:26:36,628 >> Stephen: YOU DID, DOGS. >> DID NOT CHOOSE. 420 00:26:36,695 --> 00:26:39,164 DID NOT, DID NOT. >> Stephen: SORRY, DID. 421 00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:40,865 >> DID NOT, HUH-UH. >> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE 422 00:26:40,932 --> 00:26:43,568 SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHAT IS IT. 423 00:26:43,635 --> 00:26:45,170 >> STEPHEN COLBERT'S LATEST HITS. 424 00:26:45,236 --> 00:26:48,139 >> Stephen: THE LAST SONG I SANG WAS ALL I WANT FOR 425 00:26:48,206 --> 00:26:49,140 CHRISTMAS. >> THERE YOU GO. 426 00:26:49,207 --> 00:26:51,409 >> Stephen: ON THE SHOW LAST NIGHT, ACTUALLY. 427 00:26:51,476 --> 00:26:54,913 >> DID YOU NOT. >> Stephen: I DID, I DID, DID 428 00:26:54,980 --> 00:26:57,215 I NOT. >> LITERALLY DID. 429 00:26:57,282 --> 00:27:00,885 >> Stephen: I ENDED THE MONOLOGUE SINGING YOUR SONG LAST 430 00:27:00,952 --> 00:27:02,887 NIGHT. >> ONE LINE OF IT OR THE WHOLE 431 00:27:02,954 --> 00:27:05,123 THING. >> Stephen: THAT IS JUST ONE 432 00:27:05,190 --> 00:27:07,592 THING I NEED. ♪ AND I. 433 00:27:07,659 --> 00:27:09,794 >> Stephen: UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE. 434 00:27:09,861 --> 00:27:10,729 ♪. >> YES. 435 00:27:10,795 --> 00:27:13,631 >> Stephen: I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN. 436 00:27:13,698 --> 00:27:17,068 ♪. >> YOU SKIPPED A LITTLE PART OF 437 00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:21,573 IT. ♪ THAT'S ALL RIGHT. 438 00:27:21,639 --> 00:27:25,610 SEERKS HE KILLS MY SONG,-- FEELS MY SORNTION VERY THANKFUL. 439 00:27:25,677 --> 00:27:27,979 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF. 440 00:27:28,046 --> 00:27:29,614 >> 56. >> Stephen: NO. 441 00:27:29,681 --> 00:27:30,582 >> 23? >> Stephen: DESCRIBE THE REST 442 00:27:30,648 --> 00:27:38,623 OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. >> THAT WAS IT. 443 00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:41,726 >> Stephen: THAT IS IT. HMMMM HMMMM HMMMM HMMMM HMMMM 444 00:27:41,793 --> 00:27:44,963 AND YOU CAN SAY IT ANYWAY YOU LIKE. 445 00:27:45,030 --> 00:27:48,299 YOU CAN ADD MUSIC TO IT. YOU CAN ADD ANYTHING YOU WANT TO 446 00:27:48,366 --> 00:27:50,668 IT. YOU YOU CAN PLAY IT WITH, RIGHT, 447 00:27:50,735 --> 00:27:58,476 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN PLAY HMMMM HMMMM HMMMM HMMMM. 448 00:27:58,543 --> 00:28:01,679 ♪ THAT'S MY LIFE, I GUESS. >> Stephen: MARIAH CAREY, YOU 449 00:28:01,746 --> 00:28:05,283 ARE KNOWN. THANK YOU SO MUCH, MARIAH CAREY. 450 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:08,119 >> I LOVE YOU, DARLING. >> Stephen: THE MARIAH CAREY 451 00:28:08,186 --> 00:28:11,689 MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL SPECIAL AIRS DECEMBER 20 AT 8 P.M. ON 452 00:28:11,756 --> 00:28:15,393 CBS. SEE IT LIVE ON PARAMOUNT PLUS. 453 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:19,497 MARIAH CAREY, EVERYBODY. 454 00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:34,979 >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. 455 00:28:35,046 --> 00:28:41,286 THANK YOU, LOUIS. FOLKS, 456 00:28:41,352 --> 00:28:44,756 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW MY NEXT GUEST FROM "SILICON VALLEY," 457 00:28:44,823 --> 00:28:46,291 "ETERNALS," AND "THE BIG SICK." HIS NEW SHOW IS "WELCOME TO 458 00:28:46,357 --> 00:28:52,030 CHIPPENDALES." LAST IT'S ON, WHAT IS ABOUT TO 459 00:28:52,097 --> 00:28:54,866 OCCUR IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS A SNOWBALL FIGHT, OKAY? 460 00:28:54,933 --> 00:29:00,905 ARE YOU READY FOR IT? YES? 461 00:29:00,972 --> 00:29:08,546 COME ON, STEVE, COME ON. COME ON, BUDDY. 462 00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:12,083 COME ON. OH. 463 00:29:12,150 --> 00:29:14,219 COME ON. WHERE IS YOUR SNOWBALL, I DON'T 464 00:29:14,285 --> 00:29:16,855 SEE-- COME ON, STEVE. >> OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. 465 00:29:16,921 --> 00:29:18,156 I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY MORE. PLEASE, THAT'S ENOUGH. 466 00:29:18,223 --> 00:29:21,793 I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY MORE. I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY MORE, 467 00:29:21,860 --> 00:29:23,661 STOP, PLEASE. >> COME ON. 468 00:29:23,728 --> 00:29:31,736 >> I SAID I'M FINISHED. [BLEEP] 469 00:29:31,803 --> 00:29:34,973 >> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME, BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," KUMAIL 470 00:29:35,039 --> 00:29:44,449 NANJIANI! (/ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE/ ) 471 00:29:44,516 --> 00:29:54,959 >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. WOW. 472 00:29:55,026 --> 00:30:00,698 THANK YOU. WE WILL JUST GESTURE TO EACH 473 00:30:00,765 --> 00:30:06,337 OTHER FOR THE ENTIRE THING. NO, PLEASE, NO, I HAVEN'T EVEN 474 00:30:06,404 --> 00:30:10,775 STARTED TALKING AND I HAVE ALREADY SAID THE F WORD ON THE 475 00:30:10,842 --> 00:30:12,777 CLIP. >> Stephen: I KNOW, I KNOW, 476 00:30:12,844 --> 00:30:16,014 IT'S FINE, WE CAN SAY IT ON CBS NOW. 477 00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:18,483 >> YOU CAN? [BLEEP] AWESOME. 478 00:30:18,550 --> 00:30:22,287 >> Stephen: WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE THE ZOOM DAYS BECAUSE YOU 479 00:30:22,353 --> 00:30:25,857 KNOW, ZOOM. BUT IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK 480 00:30:25,924 --> 00:30:28,359 IN THE THEATER. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? 481 00:30:28,426 --> 00:30:29,227 >> GREAT TO BE BACK. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO COME TO 482 00:30:29,294 --> 00:30:30,395 NEW YORK VERY MUCH. I USED TO LIVE HERE. 483 00:30:30,461 --> 00:30:33,531 >> Stephen: I KNOW. ARE YOU LIKING IT. 484 00:30:33,598 --> 00:30:35,900 >> I LOVE IT. I USED TO LIVE IN BROOKLYN IN 485 00:30:35,967 --> 00:30:39,504 BUSHWICK WAS THE PART. >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. 486 00:30:39,571 --> 00:30:43,575 >> BUSHWICK IS IN THE HOUSE. AND IT WAS KIND OF ROUGH. 487 00:30:43,641 --> 00:30:49,480 NOT LIKE SCARY ROUGH. IT WAS LIKE WEIRD ROUGH WHEN I 488 00:30:49,547 --> 00:30:51,382 LIVED THERE. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 489 00:30:51,449 --> 00:30:54,552 >> I SWEAR THIS IS TRUE. ONE TIME I SAW A GUY ON MY 490 00:30:54,619 --> 00:30:57,422 STREET CATCHING CHICKENS WITH HIS BARE HANDS. 491 00:30:57,488 --> 00:31:00,525 AND STUFFING THEM INTO HIS POCKETS. 492 00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:07,565 LIKE SOME SORT OF HORRIBLE REVERSE MAGICIAN. 493 00:31:07,632 --> 00:31:09,667 (LAUGHTER). >> Stephen: NOW THESE DAYS YOU 494 00:31:09,734 --> 00:31:11,736 LIVE IN LOS ANGELES. >> I DO, YEAH. 495 00:31:11,803 --> 00:31:14,772 >> Stephen: YOU HAD TO MOVE OUT THERE WHEN YOU GOT THE ABS, 496 00:31:14,839 --> 00:31:16,941 RIGHT, LITERALLY MADE YOU LEAVE NEW YORK. 497 00:31:17,008 --> 00:31:20,578 >> THEY REVOKE YOUR LICENSE, ON THE PLANE TO L.A. WITH ALL THE 498 00:31:20,645 --> 00:31:25,416 OTHER VAP I HADS. YOU CAN STILL HAVE SUBSTANCE AND 499 00:31:25,483 --> 00:31:28,453 ABS. I'M ONLY 20% LESS FUNNY BUT IT'S 500 00:31:28,519 --> 00:31:31,289 A GOOD TRADEOFF. >> Stephen: I KEEP TELLING 501 00:31:31,356 --> 00:31:33,324 EVVIE, THAT IS WHY I DON'T GET ABS. 502 00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:37,195 I CAN'T AFFORD TO LOSE 20%. >> TOTALLY, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS 503 00:31:37,262 --> 00:31:39,631 EVERY DAY, YOU CAN'T LOSE 20%, THAT'S HUGE. 504 00:31:39,697 --> 00:31:44,335 >> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY MOVED INTO A NEW HOUSE, DID YOU AND 505 00:31:44,402 --> 00:31:46,804 YOUR LOVELY WIFE, DID YOU DO THE PACKING YOURSELF O DID YOU 506 00:31:46,871 --> 00:31:49,173 BRING IN PEOPLE? HOW STRESSFUL WERE YOU WILLING 507 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,243 TO MAKE IT FOR YOURSELF. >> SO, WE PACKED, WE HAD PEOPLE 508 00:31:52,310 --> 00:31:56,180 PACK FOR US EXCEPT THE THINGS THAT ARE CLOSEST TO ME. 509 00:31:56,247 --> 00:32:00,285 MOST IMPORTANT, WHICH WAS MY ACTION FIGURE COLLECTION. 510 00:32:00,351 --> 00:32:04,522 >> Stephen: YOU HAVE AN ACTION FIGURE COLLECTION. 511 00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:06,257 >> YEAH, MAN. >> Stephen: ONE VERY 512 00:32:06,324 --> 00:32:11,062 ENTHUSIASTIC PERSON OUT THERE. HOW EXPENSIVE ARE WE TALKING. 513 00:32:11,129 --> 00:32:13,998 >> NOT THAT EXPENSIVE, JUST ACTION FIGURES CANNOT PIECES OF 514 00:32:14,065 --> 00:32:15,466 JEWELRY. THEY ARE LIKE-- . 515 00:32:15,533 --> 00:32:17,068 >> Stephen: SOME OF THEM ARE ONE OF A KIND. 516 00:32:17,135 --> 00:32:21,472 >> I DIDN'T HAVE ANY-OF-THOSE. BUT HAVE I, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT 517 00:32:21,539 --> 00:32:27,245 BAT MAN, GHOSTBUSTERS, THE BRUCE WAYNE SITTING THERE, YEAH, WE 518 00:32:27,312 --> 00:32:28,846 LOVE BATMAN, DON'T WE. GOOD WORK. 519 00:32:28,913 --> 00:32:32,583 >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO HAS SUPERPOWERS, I DID NOT ACTUALLY 520 00:32:32,650 --> 00:32:33,851 KNOW THIS EXISTED BUT I SUSPECTED THAT THERE WAS A, 521 00:32:33,918 --> 00:32:38,656 SINCE YOU BROUGHT IT UP, THAT YOU HAD YOUR OWN ACTION FIGURE. 522 00:32:38,723 --> 00:32:42,493 THIS IS YOU AS TANGO FROM THE ETERNALS. 523 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:45,730 >> YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT MUST-- THAT MUST BE A 524 00:32:45,797 --> 00:32:50,301 PRETTY EXCITING THING. >> IT IS, THAT IS A BIG BOOGER 525 00:32:50,368 --> 00:32:53,304 MY CHARACTER PULLED OUT OF HIS NOSE. 526 00:32:53,371 --> 00:32:55,406 LOOK AT THAT. I WAS, YOU KNOW, ESPECIALLY COOL 527 00:32:55,473 --> 00:33:01,813 TO ME BECAUSE-- OH. >> WHAT DID YOU DO? 528 00:33:01,879 --> 00:33:03,014 >> Stephen: I DID NOTHING, I DID NOTHING. 529 00:33:03,081 --> 00:33:05,950 >> THAT'S MINE. I BROUGHT THAT IN. 530 00:33:06,017 --> 00:33:07,618 >> Stephen: THIS MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY EXCITING. 531 00:33:07,685 --> 00:33:10,588 >> IT WAS, BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN COLLECTING ACTION FIGURES SINCE 532 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:15,660 I WAS A LITTLE KID, I STARTED WITH-- I WOULD ONLY GET THE GOOD 533 00:33:15,727 --> 00:33:17,261 GUYS. >> Stephen: NO SKELETOR. 534 00:33:17,328 --> 00:33:20,264 >> I DIDN'T WANT TO SUPPORT THE BAD GUYS CAUSE. 535 00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:23,835 BECAUSE IN MY HEAD I THOUGHT ALL PROCEEDS WERE GOING TO FUND THE 536 00:33:23,901 --> 00:33:26,471 ACTUAL WAR EFFORT. LIKE MY FRIEND WOULD BE LIKE I 537 00:33:26,537 --> 00:33:30,007 GOT THE NEW SKELETOR AND I WAS LIKE HOW COULD YOU, MAN, AFTER 538 00:33:30,074 --> 00:33:33,111 ALL THAT KING RANDOR HAS DONE FOR THE LAND? 539 00:33:33,177 --> 00:33:36,114 >> Stephen: I'M A LITTLE OLD FOR HEMAN. 540 00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:38,716 >> YOU MIGHT RELATE TO, THIS I HAVE A BUNCH OF LORD OF THE 541 00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:43,087 RINGS FIGURE. >> Stephen: SO DO I, BABY. 542 00:33:43,154 --> 00:33:46,023 >> DO YOU? >> Stephen: OH, NAME IT. 543 00:33:46,090 --> 00:33:49,994 >> OKAY, I GOT THE FULL SIZE THERON, FULL SIZE. 544 00:33:50,061 --> 00:33:53,898 >> FULL SIZE YOU MEAN LIKE-- . >> Stephen: NOT FULL SIZE, 545 00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:58,202 LIKE THE BIG. >> OH WOW. 546 00:33:58,269 --> 00:34:01,539 >> I GOT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE COULD MEM RATTIVE MUGS THAT CAME 547 00:34:01,606 --> 00:34:05,443 OUT FROM BURGER KING. >> WOW. 548 00:34:05,510 --> 00:34:08,613 >> Stephen: THEY LING TOGETHER AROUND A CENTRAL RING AND IT 549 00:34:08,679 --> 00:34:12,016 PLAYS THE THEME SONG. >> HOW WOULD YOU-- HOW WOULD YOU 550 00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:15,319 DRINK FROM AT&T LINGED MUGS. >> Stephen: IT IS NOT 551 00:34:15,386 --> 00:34:17,722 IMPORTANT THAT YOU DRINK FROM THEM. 552 00:34:17,789 --> 00:34:22,260 IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE THEM TECHNICALLY THERE ARE NINE. 553 00:34:22,326 --> 00:34:24,429 >> ONE FOR EACH RING THAT THE HUMANS HAD? 554 00:34:24,495 --> 00:34:27,965 >> Stephen: MAYBE OR THE NINE OF THE FELLOWSHIP. 555 00:34:28,032 --> 00:34:30,568 >> I'M SO SORRY. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO 556 00:34:30,635 --> 00:34:32,370 APOLOGIZE. >> I'M OUT OF MY DEPTH. 557 00:34:32,437 --> 00:34:33,905 >> Stephen: WHAT FIGURES DO YOU HAVE. 558 00:34:33,971 --> 00:34:39,477 >> I HAVE GOTHMOG, LIEUTENANT OFFING MORE UL. 559 00:34:39,544 --> 00:34:44,115 >> YES, SHOTTEDS FIRS AT THE BATTLE OF GILL YAD. 560 00:34:44,182 --> 00:34:47,652 >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH. >> HAVE I HIM. 561 00:34:47,718 --> 00:34:51,722 WE BRING UP THE WOLF PIT THRARKS GUY. 562 00:34:51,789 --> 00:34:53,057 >> WOW. >> Stephen: YEAH. 563 00:34:53,124 --> 00:34:57,728 I DO A FEW IMPRESSIONS. DO I NIXON AND I DO GOTHMOG. 564 00:34:57,795 --> 00:35:04,569 >> WHICH ONE IS MORE EVIL. >> EMILY AND I WATCHED THE 565 00:35:04,635 --> 00:35:07,805 EXTENDED EDITIONS OF THOSE MOVIES EVERY CHRISTMAS AND NEW 566 00:35:07,872 --> 00:35:10,274 YEARS, WE WATCH ALL THREE OF THEM, EVERY YEAR. 567 00:35:10,341 --> 00:35:12,643 >> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC. I APPROXIMATE GOING TO INSIST 568 00:35:12,710 --> 00:35:14,846 THAT I DO THAT WITH MY WIFE THIS YEAR. 569 00:35:14,912 --> 00:35:17,548 AND IF SHE WON'T DO IT CAN I COME OVER TO YOUR PLACE. 570 00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:20,051 BECAUSE THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF FUN. 571 00:35:20,117 --> 00:35:22,320 >> PLEASE, YOU CAN HOLD GOTH MOG WHEN DO YOU IT. 572 00:35:22,386 --> 00:35:27,625 BRING YOUR NINE CUPS. >> Stephen: THIS IS GOOD. 573 00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:29,861 >> YOU THINK SO. >> Stephen: YOU SEEM LIKE 574 00:35:29,927 --> 00:35:34,665 SOMEONE WHO WOULD, WOULD NOT HAVE AN EGOISTICAL APPROACH TO 575 00:35:34,732 --> 00:35:38,503 SERVICE AND HAVE A SWEETHEART. >> I WOULD TAKE A BULLET FOR 576 00:35:38,569 --> 00:35:39,570 YOU, STEVEN. >> Stephen: I'M GLAD YOU ARE 577 00:35:39,637 --> 00:35:45,209 HERE WITH ME, KUMAIL. WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 578 00:35:45,276 --> 00:35:50,047 WE'RE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE KUMAIL NANJIANI. 579 00:36:01,459 --> 00:36:03,995 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. >> Stephen: WE'RE BACK WITH STAR 580 00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:11,168 OF "WELCOME TO CHIPPENDALES," THE FABULOUS KUMAIL NANJIANI. 581 00:36:11,235 --> 00:36:14,939 SEE HOW EXCITED PEOPLE ARE. ITS NEW SHOW IS WELCOME TO 582 00:36:15,006 --> 00:36:16,974 CHIPPENDALES, YOU PLAY THE FOUNDER. 583 00:36:17,041 --> 00:36:22,413 >> IT WAS SHOWMAN BANNERJI. >> Stephen: WHO IS THIS GI AND 584 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:27,418 HOW DID HE START CHIPPENDALES, WE ALL KNOW CHIPPENDALES, IT WAS 585 00:36:27,485 --> 00:36:33,691 CREATED AS A MODER MALE MEAT MARKET DANCING WITH THE CLARS 586 00:36:33,758 --> 00:36:36,360 AND JUST THE CUFFS. >> EVERYBODY KNOWS, THAT IS 587 00:36:36,427 --> 00:36:39,263 CHIPPENDALES BUT THE GUY WHO STARTED IT, I DIDN'T KNOW THIS, 588 00:36:39,330 --> 00:36:45,469 WAS THIS NERDY IMMIGRANT FROM INDIA, WHO JUST HAD THIS IDEA. 589 00:36:45,536 --> 00:36:47,738 AND-- SRS WHERE DID HE GET THIS IDEA. 590 00:36:47,805 --> 00:36:50,942 >> IN THE SHOW HE GETS THE IDEA, HE GOES TO A GAY BAR AND HE SEES 591 00:36:51,008 --> 00:36:54,378 SORT OF PEOPLE DANCING. ON THE CATWALK. 592 00:36:54,445 --> 00:36:57,682 AND HE IS LIKE I COULD MAKE MONEY DOING THIS. 593 00:36:57,748 --> 00:37:00,117 BECAUSE HE SEES, HE IS WITH A GIRL AND SHE REALLY LOVES IT. 594 00:37:00,184 --> 00:37:06,223 AND HE UNDERSTANDS THAT IT IS AT THE POINT IN HISTORY WITH LIKE 595 00:37:06,290 --> 00:37:10,294 WOMEN'S LIB AND EVERYTHING THAT FINALLY, HE COULD CAPITALIZE ON 596 00:37:10,361 --> 00:37:12,430 THE FACT THAT WOMEN DIDN'T HAVE A SPACE WHERE THEY COULD EXPRESS 597 00:37:12,496 --> 00:37:14,966 A PART OF THEMSELVES PUBLICLY, YOU KNOW. 598 00:37:15,032 --> 00:37:18,069 IT FELT LIKE IT WAS READY TO HAPPEN. 599 00:37:18,135 --> 00:37:21,105 SO HE GOT THIS IDEA. HE STARTED DOING IT. 600 00:37:21,172 --> 00:37:24,609 BUT THEN BEHIND THE SCENES OF IT, THERE IS A LOT OF MURDERS 601 00:37:24,675 --> 00:37:29,046 THAT HAPPEN. >> Stephen: REALLY? 602 00:37:29,113 --> 00:37:30,781 >> MULTIPLE MURDERS HAPPEN BEHIND THE SCENES OF 603 00:37:30,848 --> 00:37:33,050 CHIPPENDALES AND I WILL SAY, YOU SAW THOSE TWO CHARACTERS IN THE 604 00:37:33,117 --> 00:37:38,089 BEGINNING OF THE SEGMENT, ME AND MURRAY BARTLET PLAYS NICK, SORT 605 00:37:38,155 --> 00:37:40,725 OF THE ARTS GUY AND I'M THE MONEY GUY. 606 00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:47,498 IN REAL LIFE, BOTH THOSE GUYS ARE SPOILER ALERT DEAD AND NOT 607 00:37:47,565 --> 00:37:53,471 OF NATURAL CAUSES. SO IT IS A REALLY WILD STORY OF 608 00:37:53,537 --> 00:37:57,742 THESE TWO GUYS, REALLY LIKE GOING AT IT UNTIL NOTHING LEFT. 609 00:37:57,808 --> 00:38:01,178 >> Stephen: WOW. DOES CHIPPENDALES STILL EXIST. 610 00:38:01,245 --> 00:38:03,447 >> YES, CHIP HE ENDEALS IS STILL AROUND. 611 00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:06,717 A BIG ONE IN VEGAS THAT PEOPLE GO TO. 612 00:38:06,784 --> 00:38:10,521 BUT-- HAVE YOU EVER BEEN? >> Stephen: NO, I HAVE 613 00:38:10,588 --> 00:38:12,423 ACTUALLY NEVER BEEN S IT FUN? >> IT'S SO FUN. 614 00:38:12,490 --> 00:38:16,193 IT'S REALLY FUN. I LIKE-- 615 00:38:16,260 --> 00:38:17,662 (APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: I HAVEN'T BEEN TO 616 00:38:17,728 --> 00:38:21,132 A LOT OF BACHELORETTE PARTIES, THAT IS MY PROBLEM. 617 00:38:21,198 --> 00:38:26,137 >> YOU GOT TO FIX YOUR LIFE. I LIKE THAT ONE PERSON WHOOOD 618 00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:28,806 EXPECTING THE ENTIRE CROWD. LIKE OH, WE'RE NOT DOING THAT 619 00:38:28,873 --> 00:38:31,275 HERE, THAT'S NOT HAPPENING. >> Stephen: YOU EXECUTIVE 620 00:38:31,342 --> 00:38:33,778 PRODUCED THIS AS DID YOUR WIFE EMILY. 621 00:38:33,844 --> 00:38:36,981 I WORKED WITH MY WIFE EV A LITTLE BIT AND IT HAS GONE VERY 622 00:38:37,048 --> 00:38:39,083 WELL. HOW ABOUT FOR YOU. 623 00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:41,385 -- FOR YOU, SOME PEOPLE FIND TENSION IN, WITHOUTING WITH 624 00:38:41,452 --> 00:38:44,722 THEIR SPOUSE. HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT? 625 00:38:44,789 --> 00:38:48,993 DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE? >> WELL, WE'VE LEARNED SOME STF. 626 00:38:49,060 --> 00:38:52,897 WE BROUGHT THE BIG SICK TOGETHER, WE HAVE DONE A LOT OF 627 00:38:52,963 --> 00:38:58,335 STUFF TOGETHER. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 628 00:38:58,402 --> 00:39:06,410 I JUST WANT TO LIGHTLY MORE FOR BIG SICK MAN MALE STRIPPING, I 629 00:39:06,477 --> 00:39:09,113 FEEL LIKE I PULLED THAT YOU HAVE AMOUNT OF THE HARD THING ABOUT 630 00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:13,417 WORKING TOGETHER IS THE PROFESSIONAL AND PERSONAL CAN 631 00:39:13,484 --> 00:39:15,352 GET WORKED UP. IF WE ARE COWORKERS AND WE ARE 632 00:39:15,419 --> 00:39:18,089 ARGUING, THERE IS A CERTAIN FEELING THAT THE ARGUMENT CAN 633 00:39:18,155 --> 00:39:23,060 GET TO. BUT IT CAN GET REALLY PERSONAL 634 00:39:23,127 --> 00:39:26,363 IF YOU ARE, YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS PERSON KNOW. 635 00:39:26,430 --> 00:39:28,733 >> Stephen: THIS PERSON KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT. 636 00:39:28,799 --> 00:39:30,935 >> THEY NOA EVERYTHING AND THEY CAN REALLY GO THERE, YOU DON'T 637 00:39:31,001 --> 00:39:33,604 LIKE THE SCENE I WROTE, REMEMBER THREE YEARS AGO YOU SAID I WAS 638 00:39:33,671 --> 00:39:41,245 TURNING INTO MY MOM. >> Stephen: WELCOME TO 639 00:39:41,312 --> 00:39:43,314 CHIPPENDALES IS AVAILABLE ON HULU. 640 00:39:43,380 --> 00:39:47,551 KUMAIL NANJIANI, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 641 00:40:04,101 --> 00:40:06,103 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 642 00:40:06,170 --> 00:40:08,739 I JUST WANT TO THANK MARIAH CAREY AGAIN! 643 00:40:08,806 --> 00:40:17,148 FOR TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 644 00:40:17,214 --> 00:40:18,816 AND FOR THIS JACKET! TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS 645 00:40:18,883 --> 00:40:20,951 WILL BE ALICIA KEYS AND EDDIE IZZARD. 646 00:40:21,018 --> 00:40:23,687 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOOD NIGHT!