TODAY'S ELECTION DAY IN GEORGIA'S U.S. SENATE RUNOFF.
>> THE POLLING REVEALS THAT VOTERS AND MANY SUPPORTERS HAVE
SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT WALKER'S HONESTY.
>> HE HEANTS BEEN TRUTHFUL ABOUT ANYTHING.
>> SEEMS LIKE SENATOR WARNOCK HAS LOST, MY INNING AT THE RID
IS BETTER THAN HE S MY HONEST IS BETTER THAN HE IS, I HAVE BEEN
TRANSPARENT, HE HAS NOT.
>> AND NOW A COMPILATION OF HERSCHEL WALKER BEING HONEST AND
TRANSPARENT.
>> I'M NOT THAT SMART.
>> THIS HAS BEEN A COMPILATION OF HERSCHEL WALKER BEING HONEST
AND TRANSPARENT.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
T
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!"
TONIGHT: WARNOCK GONNA TAKE IT!
AND, STEPHEN VISITS THE TROOPS AT THULE AIR BASE IN NORTHERN
GREENLAND WITH CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF
THE SPACE FORCE, ROGER A. TOWBERMAN
AND A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY STURGILL SIMPSON
FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND!
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HELLO, HELLO.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW,
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
DO FEEL THAT EXCITEMENT, IT'S A BIG NIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY
WAS THE GEORGIA SENATE RUNOFF BETWEEN DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND
DAD LISTENING TO HIS DAUGHTER EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
"LOVE ISLAND" AND "LOVE IS BLIND," RAPHAEL WARNOCK, AND
REPUBLICAN CHALLENGER AND SELF-AWARE CINDERBLOCK,
HERSCHEL WALKER.
VOTERS WERE OUT AT THE POLLS ALL DAY, AND AT 11:35 EASTERN TIME,
WITH ZERO-PERCENT OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, BECAUSE WE TAPED THE
SHOW AT 5:30, "THE LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT HERSCHEL
WALKER...
DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SENATE.
CHEESIER PLACE.
>> Stephen: WE CAN PROJECT.
WE CAN DECLARE.
THE U.S. SENATE IS IT'S NO PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHOSE
BRAINS DON'T WORK BECAUSE OF FOOTBALL INJURIES.
IT'S A PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHOSE BRAINS DON'T WORK BECAUSE
THEY'RE 1,000 YEARS OLD.
ONE THING WE DO KNOW ABOUT TODAY'S ELECTION IS THAT, THANKS
TO RECORD-BREAKING EARLY VOTING, EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT SENATOR
WARNOCK WENT INTO ELECTION DAY WITH ABOUT AN EIGHT-POINT LEAD.
OKAY.
BUT KEEP IN MIND, THAT'S GOOD.
IT'S NOT LIKE HERSCHEL DIDN'T TRY.
HE SPENT YEARS FATHERING AS MANY VOTERS AS POSSIBLE.
(APPLAUSE) REALLY.
WORKING THE POLLS.
BOTH CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN OUT MAKING THEIR FINAL PUSH.
THIS WEEKEND, THE WARNOCK CAMPAIGN APPEALED TO VOTERS WITH
A LASER LIGHT DRONE SHOW!
A GREAT WAY TO GET OUT THE VOTE FOR HOMER SIMPSON.
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH CAMPAIGN FOR HERSCHEL WALKER, BECAUSE HE
KEEPS GETTING DERAILED BY COMMENTS MADE BY HIS MOUTH.
TODAY, FOLKS ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS SPEECH HE MADE IN 2019:
>> Y'ALL HAVE KIDS.
EVERYBODY HAVE KIDS, I HOPE.
>> Stephen: "AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY, COME SEE ME AFTER.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT."
GOT AN EXCELLENT BATTING AVERAGE, BATTER UP.
I'M SORRY, I INTERRUPTED.
YOU WERE DOING BRAIN BALLET?
>> THEY HAVE KIDS THAT, THEY LOVE TO WATCH ALL THESE SHOWS,
AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH THEM WITH THEM AND STUFF.
AND SOONER OR LATER YOU GET WHERE YOU LIKE THE SHOWS, BUT
THEY DON'T LIKE THEM NO MORE.
AND NOW, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM BY YOURSELF AND YOU FEEL LIKE A
DIRTY OLD MAN.
LIKE, I HAD TO RENT THE NEIGHBORS KID TO GO SEE "JUNGLE
BOOK" LIKE A YEAR AGO, BECAUSE MY SON DIDN'T WANT TO GO WITH ME
TO SEE "JUNGLE BOOK," AND I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A
WEIRD GUY IN THIS THEATER WATCHING "JUNGLE BOOK."
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A WEIRD GUY
WATCHING "JUNGLE BOOK" ALONE.
YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A NORMAL GUY SHARING JUNIOR MINTS
WITH THE CHILD YOU RENTED.
GET THE EXTRA INSURANCE, GET THE EXTRA INSURANCE.
WHOEVER WINS, THEY'LL BE HEADED TO THE U.S. CAPITOL, WHERE TODAY
THE HEROIC POLICE OFFICERS WHO DEFENDED CONGRESS ON JANUARY
6th, AND THEIR FAMILIES, WERE HONORED WITH A CONGRESSIONAL
GOLD MEDAL CEREMONY.
(APPLAUSE) IT'S WELL DESERVED.
THEY CONFRONTED A MOB HELL-BENT ON DESTROYING OUR SYSTEM OF
GOVERNMENT, RISKED THEIR LIVES DEFENDING DEMOCRACY IN THE
HALLS OF CONGRESS, AND PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SOMETHING I CAN'T
SAY ON CBS.
MADAME SPEAKER?
>> THE POO POO.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MADAME.
NOW MEMBERS OF BOTH PARTIES WERE
THERE, BUT FAMILY MEMBERS OF FALLEN CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER
BRIAN SICKNICK DID NOT APPRECIATE THE REPUBLICANS IN
ATTENDANCE.
SO, WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE RECEIVING LINE, THEY WOULD NOT
SHAKE THE HANDS OF MITCH McCONNELL OR KEVIN McCARTHY.
DAMN.
THAT IS-- WHEN ASKED WHY THEY WOULDN'T SHAKE THE REPUBLICAN
LEADER HE'S HAND, SICKNICK'S MOTHER SAID THEY'RE JUST TWO
FACED, I'M JUST TIRE OF THEM STANDING THERE AND SAYING HOW
WONDERFUL THE CAPITOL POLICE IS AND THEN TURN AROUND AND GO DOWN
TO MAR-A-LAGO AND KISS HIS RING.
AND BY RING, OF COURSE, SHE MEANS HIS...
HOW DO I PUT THIS DELICATELY?
BUTTHOLE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S BEEN A
ROUGH DAY FOR FORMER PRESIDENT THE MANCHURIAN CANTALOUPE.
YOU KNOW HOW IT SEEMED LIKE THE GUY KEEPS BREAKING THE LAW WITH
NO ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES?
WELL, NOW THE CON IS FACING SOME QUENCES, BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY,
A JURY IN NEW YORK FOUND TWO OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S COMPANIES
GUILTY OF ALL 17 COUNTS OF TAX FRAUD AND OTHER CRIMES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IS IT RAINING?
OH SANTA, YOU GOT MY LETTER!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT COMPLEX FINANCIAL
CRIMES.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS, TOP EXECS IN THE ORGANIZATION GOT AROUND
PAYING THEIR FAIR SHARE OF TAXES THROUGH A SERIES OF SCHEMES THAT
INCLUDED OFF-THE-BOOKS PERKS LIKE LUXURY CARS AND FREE
APARTMENTS.
BECAUSE NOTHING MAKES YOU LOOK LESS GUILTY THAN GIVING
ALL YOUR EXECS A GETAWAY CAR AND A HIDEOUT!
THE BAD NEWS IS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HIMSELF ISN'T
PERSONALLY CHARGED...
FOR NOW.
BUT COURT WATCHERS SAY THIS CASE MAY LAY THE GROUNDWORK FOR THE
DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE TO INTENSIFY ITS WIDER CRIMINAL
INVESTIGATION INTO THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS PRACTICES,
AND HUSH MONEY PAID TO A PORN STAR.
AND HOPEFULLY, IT'LL LEAD TO THE SEXIEST MOVIE EVER:
"DONALD DOES TIME."
IT TOOK AWHILE, IT TOOK AWHILE.
I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.
THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST RIVAL FOR THE G.O.P. NOMINATION
IS RECENTLY RE-ELECTED FLORIDA GOVERNOR, AND CAVEMAN AT A
TED TALK EXPLAINING, "SOME ANTS GOOD FOR EAT, OTHER ANTS MAKE
BITE ON FACE"...
RON DeSANTIS.
IN AN EFFORT TO RAISE SOME CASH HEADING INTO HIS SECOND TERM,
DeSANTIS IS OFFERING V.I.P.
ACCESS TO HIS INAUGURATION, STARTING AT $50,000.
BUT IF YOU'RE A REAL BIG SPENDER, DONORS WHO GIVE
$1 MILLION WILL JOIN DeSANTIS AT A CANDLELIGHT DINNER THE
NIGHT BEFORE THE INAUGURATION.
OF COURSE, IT'S HARD TO BE AT A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WITH RON
DeSANTIS, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO KEEP EXPLAINING, "FIRE FRIEND!"
(AS DeSANTIS) "NO WOKE!
FIRE MAKE GAY!" OTHER DONOR BENEFITS INCLUDE
JOINING THE FIRST LADY OF FLORIDA AT SOMETHING CALLED A
"TOAST TO ONE MILLION MAMAS."
THAT'S WEIRD.
I THOUGHT "A TOAST TO ONE MILLION MAMAS" WAS THE CAMPAIGN
SLOGAN FOR HERSCHEL WALKER.
YOU'RE AN LIKE MOST WEEKS, IT'S BEEN A
ROUGH WEEK FOR DISGRACED NEW YORK MAYOR AND FUGITIVE
POSING AS A MEMBER OF THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND...
RUDY GIULIANI.
RUDY IS CURRENTLY IN HOT WATER WITH THE D.C. BAR BECAUSE HE
HELPED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TRY TO OVERTHROW THE 2020
ELECTION, WHICH IS, TO USE A LEGAL TERM, ILLEGAL.
SO, THE D.C. BAR IS HOLDING HEARINGS TO DETERMINE WHETHER
THEY SHOULD SUSPEND GIULANI'S D.C. LAW LICENSE OR GO FOR
DISBARMENT.
DISBARMENT'S NO PROBLEM FOR RUDY.
IF HE CAN'T GET INTO A BAR, HE'LL DRINK IN THE PARKING LOT.
HAPPILY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM.
YESTERDAY'S HEARING GAVE RUDY AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOME RUDY
STUFF.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MOMENT RIGHT AFTER THE CHAIRPERSON ANNOUNCED
A LUNCH BREAK.
>> THANK YOU.
DO YOU KNOW I HAVE TWO WATCHES ON?
THEY SEEM WEIRD BUT >> Stephen: OF COURSE HE WEARS
TWO WATCHES!
THAT WAY IT'S TWICE AS LIKELY TO BE FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE.
"8:00 A.M.!
A LITTLE TOO EARLY FOR CABERNET.
OR, IS IT?
CHEERS TO YOU, BROKEN CASIO!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
I'M TAKING YOU TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD TO VISIT THE SPACE FORCE.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW
BAND, EVERYBODY.
LOUIS, YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW IF I REMEMBER BUT
AS I MENTIONED ON THE SHOW YESTERDAY, I RECENTLY HAD THE
CHANCE TO WORK WITH THE U.S.O., THE NON-PROFIT CHARITY
ORGANIZATION THAT HELPS SUPPORT SERVICE MEMBERS AND THEIR
FAMILIES.
EARLIER THIS YEAR, I TOLD THEM I WANTED TO HELP OUT, SO THEY
SENT ME TO THULE AIRBASE, WHICH IS LOCATED IN NORTHERN
GREENLAND, 750 MILES ABOVE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE.
APPARENTLY THEY THOUGHT I'D BE MOST HELPFUL AS FAR AWAY FROM
HUMANITY AS POSSIBLE.
TURNS OUT, IT'S FASCINATING UP THERE.
THULE IS NOW UNDER THE COMMAND OF THE NEWEST BRANCH OF THE
MILITARY, THE U.S. SPACE FORCE.
AND I WANTED TO LEARN ABOUT THEIR MISSION AT THE TOP OF
THE WORLD, SO I HEADED NORTH TO MEET WITH CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT
ROGER A. TOWBERMAN.
JOIN ME NOW, ON THE MULTI-PART ADVENTURE THAT WE'RE CALLING...
THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS, "RED, WHITE, AND GREENLAND!
STEPHEN COLD-BEAR IS LOST IN SPACE FORCE."
I TRAVELED FAR ABOVE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, TO THULE, GREENLAND.
AS I VOYAGED ACROSS THE STUNNING, DESOLATE LANDSCAPE,
2,500 MILES AWAY FROM HOME, I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK...
WALKING WAS A BAD CHOICE.
FINALLY, I MET UP WITH THE CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE
SPACE FORCE.
HEY.
CHIEF TOWBERMAN, THERE YOU ARE!
(LAUGHS) >> HI!
>> Stephen: HEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR--
>> YES, SIR.
HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: --MEETING ME-- (PANTING)
--UH, SOMEWHERE.
I KNOW YOUR FULL TITLE IS CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE
UNITED STATES SPACE FORCE, ROGER A. TOWBERMAN--
BUT, IN THE INTEREST OF TIME, WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I JUST
CALLED YOU CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE UNITED STATES SPACE
FORCE, ROGER TOWBERMAN?
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: WHEN DID THE CONCEPT OF THE SPACE FORCE BEGIN?
>> IN 2001, THE RUMSFELD COMMISSION RECOMMENDED TO
THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE THAT THEY CONSIDER SETTING UP
A SPACE FORCE.
>> Stephen: SO, 2001 WAS LITERALLY THE BEGINNING OF
YOUR SPACE ODYSSEY?
(LAUGHTER) >> YEAH, GUESS SO.
>> Stephen: SEEN THAT MOVIE?
>> I HAVE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE END MEANS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT SPACE BABY?
(LAUGHTER) >> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A SPACE BABY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WOULD-- COULD YOU TELL ME IF YOU GUYS DID HAVE A
GIANT SPACE BABY?
>> PROBABLY NOT.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SO, YOU HAVE A SPACE BABY.
WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THULE AIR BASE?
WHY UP HERE?
OBVIOUSLY, MADE A LOT OF SENSE DURING THE COLD WAR, BUT
THERE'S NO MORE TENSIONS WITH RUSSIA AT THIS POINT.
>> YEAH, SO, I-- I-- I THINK THERE STILL ARE SOME TENSIONS.
THERE ARE CERTAINLY-- THERE'S- >> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY
FOLLOW THE NEWS.
WHAT-- I DON'T-- (LAUGHS)
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THOSE ARE.
>> THERE'S-- IT'S-- SO, WE STILL HAVE AN IMPORTANT MISSION,
TO LOOK NORTH.
AND-- AND THIS IS THE NORTHERNMOST BASE THAT WE HAVE.
SO, YOU GET A GREAT-- >> Stephen: ANYWHERE IN THE
WORLD, THIS IS AS FAR NORTH AS THE U.S. MILITARY HAS A BASE?
>> YES, IT IS.
SO, WHAT'S INTERESTING, FROM A SPACE PERSPECTIVE, IS THAT THE
SAME TECHNOLOGY WE USE TO DETECT EARLY WARNINGS OF MISSILES, WE
CAN ALSO SEE OBJECTS IN SPACE.
SO, WE CAN USE IT FOR SPACE AWARENESS AS WELL, AND SO, KIND
OF UNIQUELY SITUATED UP HERE.
>> Stephen: HOW MUCH WARNING DO YOU GET IF THERE WAS A
MISSILE LAUNCH?
ENOUGH TO... JUST, PANIC, OR WOULD I HAVE TIME TO LIMBER UP
SO I COULD LITERALLY KISS MY ASS GOODBYE?
>> SO, I BELIEVE WE'LL GET ENOUGH TO MAYBE KEEP YOU FROM
HAVING TO SAY GOODBYE AT ALL.
BUT IF I TELL YOU ANY MORE OF THAT-- WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO.
SO, WE'LL JUST KEEP IT AT THAT LEVEL.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME ANYTHING THAT COULD
POSSIBLY ENDANGER UNITED STATES SECURITY, UNLESS IT WOULD BE
ENTERTAINING FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF FORCE.
WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?
WHAT DOES SPACE FORCE DO?
>> WE ENSURE UNFETTERED ACCESS TO AND FREEDOM TO
MANEUVER IN SPACE.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
IS THERE SOME FETTERING GOING ON PRESENTLY THAT WE DON'T KNOW
ABOUT?
LIKE, IS THERE-- IS THERE A-- IS THERE A SPACE WAR THAT WE
DON'T KNOW ABOUT?
>> THERE IS NOT A SPACE "WAR" THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
>> Stephen: SPACE SKIRMISH?
IS THERE A SPACE SKIRMISH WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT?
OH, THAT PAUSE SPEAKS VOLUMES!
YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW MUCH CAN I TELL THIS GUY?"
>> YES.
WELL, WE-- WE KNOW THAT THERE'S BEEN ACTIVITY RECENTLY, RIGHT,
AND WEAPONS ARE BEING TESTED BY OTHER NATIONS.
AND IT REALLY SHOULD CONCERN US THAT--
>> Stephen: WAIT, WE-- I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU.
BUT, "WE KNOW THAT?" >> WE KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: MEANING, YOU KNOW IT?
OR I KNOW IT?
>> YOU-- YOU KNOW THAT.
YOU KNOW THAT-- >> Stephen: WHAT DO I KNOW
ABOUT WHAT WEAPONS ARE BEING TESTED IN SPACE?
IS IT THE RUSSKIES?
ARE THEY UP THERE SHOOTING AT OUR G-- ARE THEY SHOOTING AT OUR
SATELLITES?
ARE THEY, LIKE-- >> NO.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY R-- ARE THEY RAMMING US?
IS THERE ANY-- LIKE, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THOSE THINGS ARE
GOING UP THERE AT 17,500 MILES AN HOUR.
ARE THEY-- IS IT, LIKE, YOU KNOW, "DOOM, DOOM, DOOM, RAMMING
SPEED?" IS-- IS IT-- YOU KNOW?
IS IT GALLEON KIND OF BATTLES?
>> NO, IT'S-- >> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE THEY
DOING?
>> IT'S NO BATTLES.
WHAT THERE IS, IS AN INCREASING AMOUNT OF ACTIVITY.
THERE'S MORE STUFF UP THERE.
JUST TWO OR THREE YEARS AGO, WE WERE TRACKING A LITTLE OVER
20,000 OBJECTS IN ORBIT, ABOUT 1,500 OF THEM WERE MAN-MADE.
AND NOW THERE'S NEARLY 50,000 OBJECTS, AND 5,000 OF THEM ARE
MAN-MADE.
SO IT'S BECOMING VERY, VERY BUY.
>> Stephen: WELL, WAIT A SECOND.
IF MAN DIDN'T MAKE THE OTHERS, ARE YOU SAYING ALIENS MADE THE
OTHERS?
>> NO, THEY-- >> Stephen: DID YOU JUST LET THE
CAT OUT OF THE BAG?
>> NO, NO, I DID NOT-- >> Stephen: THE CAT HAS THREE
EYES?
>> THERE'S NO CAT.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO CAT?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: UH-HUH.
IT LOOKS LIKE A CAT, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A CAT.
NO?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU ALSO MONITOR SUBMARINE-LAUNCHED MISSILES.
TRUE?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MONITOR ALL OF SPACE, AND SOME OF THE OCEAN?
IS THE NAVY JUST THAT LAZY?
>> NO!
>> Stephen: THAT THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, YOU GUYS, WOULD YOU TAKE
SOME OF THE OCEAN?
WE ARE TUCKERED OUT."
>> NO, NO.
IT'S BECAUSE OF WHERE THE-- THE MISSILES--
>> Stephen: WHERE THE MISSILES GO--
>> THEY DON'T STAY UNDERWATER.
THEY-- THEY GO THROUGH-- >> Stephen: SURE.
BUT THE MISSILES THAT ARE IN SPACE EVENTUALLY HIT THE LAND.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE ARMY TAKES IT FROM THERE.
YOU GUYS ARE THE SPACE FORCE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SEEMS LIKE THE NAVY'S TRYING TO GIVE YOU
SOME OF THE STUFF THEY DON'T WANT TO DO.
AND IT'S COOL.
THERE'S NOBODY FROM THE NAVY HERE, RIGHT?
IT'S JUST US CHICKENS.
YOU'RE THE SPACE FORCE'S TOP ENLISTED OFFICER.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I HAVE ASKED
MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT NASA.
THEY'VE ASKED ME TO STOP ASKING IT.
>> OH, GREAT.
>> Stephen: BUT I WON'T.
BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU-- AND WE'RE BOTH ADULTS, AND I
NEED YOU TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION STRAIGHT--
ARE PEOPLE DOING IT IN SPACE?
>> I DO NOT KNOW.
>> Stephen: DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO
DO IT IN SPACE, SO WE KNOW WHAT'S THAT LIKE?
TO PROPAGATE THE HUMAN SPECIES ON OTHER PLANETS, AND PERHAPS
REPOPULATE THE EARTH, IN CASE ANYTHING HAPPENS WHILE PEOPLE
ARE IN SPACE?
>> FOR SCIENCE.
>> Stephen: FOR SCIENCE!
ARE PEOPLE DOING IT IN SPACE, FOR SCIENCE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: YOU D-- YOU DON'T KNOW?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: GOT TO IMAGINE, ANYTHING GOES, RIGHT?
BECAUSE, NO GRAVITY.
THAT'S BETTER THAN A WATER BED.
RIGHT?
WATER BED'S IMPOSSIBLE, BY THE WAY.
THAT'S FOR THE NAVY.
YOU GUYS ARE IN SPACE.
FIND THE ZERO-G SPOT?
NO?
THIS IS WHEN YOU'RE BEGINNING TO REGRET THE INTERVIEW.
I APOLOGIZE.
YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN, AND I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.
OKAY, LET'S GET BACK TO THE ALIENS FOR JUST ONE SECOND HERE.
IF YOU HAD TO GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH AN ALIEN, OKAY?
LET'S JUST KEEP IT SOMETHING BASIC.
I'M NOT SAYING A GORN.
ALL RIGHT?
I'M NOT SAYING A KLINGON, OR A KZINTI.
I'M JUST SAYING, LIKE-- A GREY, OKAY?
WILLOWY, YOU KNOW-- LITHUANIAN BASKETBALL PLAYER,
KIND OF LANKY.
WHICH STARSHIP CAPTAIN WOULD YOU EMULATE IN YOUR FIGHTING?
ARE YOU GOING CAPTAIN KIRK, REBOOT KIRK, PICARD, JANEWAY?
>> OOH.
I'LL PROBABLY GO HAN SOLO.
>> Stephen: WOW.
VERY NICE.
SO YOU JUST, "PEW, PEW?" >> HE SHOT FIRST.
>> Stephen: WHY DO SPACE LASERS GO, "PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW?"
WHY DO THEY MAKE THAT SOUND?
"PEW, PEW."
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: BY THE WAY, IF HAN WAS HAVING SEX IN SPACE, WOULD
HE SHOOT FIRST?
OKAY, THAT'S A FIVE-STORY RADAR INSTALLATION.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I HAVE HEARD THAT IF I STAND IN FRONT OF THAT FOR,
LIKE, FIVE MINUTES, IT WOULD BOIL THE CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> THAT'S AWFULLY GRAPHIC.
IT-- I-- I WOULDN'T TEST IT.
>> Stephen: WOULD IT COOK ME LIKE A MICROWAVE?
>> I WOULDN'T-- YEAH, I-- I WOULD NOT STAND THERE.
>> Stephen: I'VE GOT INTERNS.
FOR COLLEGE CREDIT, WE COULD HAVE THEM WANDER IN FRONT OF IT.
>> I DON'T THINK SO.
>> Stephen: THEY'RE THEATRE MAJORS.
IT'S NOT A BIG LOSS.
THAT THING DETECTS I.C.B.M.s?
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY, I BET, WHEN IT'S 40° BELOW OUT HERE, EVERY
B.M. YOU TAKE IS I.C.
(LAUGHTER) I CAME 5,000 MILES TO MAKE THAT
JOKE!
>> THAT-- THAT IS FANTASTIC.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I THINK OUR WORK IS DONE HERE.
LET'S GO BACK TO THE STATES!
(LAUGHTER) I MADE A POOP JOKE, AT THE TOP
OF THE WORLD.
WHEN WE COME BACK, MY EPIC GREENLANDIC SAGA CONTINUES.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
TONIGHT, I'M PRESENTING MY VISIT TO SPACE FORCE'S THULE AIRBASE,
DEEP INSIDE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, IN A SERIES WE'RE CALLING:
"RED, WHITE, AND GREENLAND!
STEPHEN COLD-BEAR IS LOST IN SPACE FORCE."
BECAUSE THE NETWORK DIDN'T WANT ME TO CALL IT "STEPHEN COLBERT:
ARCTIC CIRCLE JERK."
NOW, IN PART TWO WE TAKE A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE
U.S. MILITARY OPERATIONS AT THE BASE.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO SEE EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO SEE AT
THULE, AND UP FIRST WAS THE SUPER COOL 12th SPACE WARNING
SQUADRON.
>> Stephen: AND SO, STUFF IN THERE IS SECRET?
>> THERE IS SECRET STUFF IN THERE.
>> Stephen: AND I GET TO GO IN?
>> YOU GET TO GO IN.
>> Stephen: CAN THESE GUYS COME IN WITH US?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THEY CANNOT COME IN.
I CANNER YOU WHAT I SAW, BUT THE THING I SAW WAS THE THING I WAS
WONDERING I WOULD SEE AND I SAW IT.
I WAS EXCITED TO SEE ALL THE OTHER THINGS I PROBABLY
SHOULDN'T SO I HADEDDED THROUGH THE HAMP STER SYSTEM BUILT FOR
THE LONG HARSH WILL WINTERS.
>> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW, BEFORE YOU GET ME TO WHATEVER
THE KILL FLOOR IS AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, THAT I AM JUST NO
FUN TO HUNT.
I GIVE UP IMMEDIATELY.
I DON'T EVEN BEG WELL.
>> Stephen: FINALLY, I ARRIVED AT THE 23rd SPACE OPERATIONS
SQUADRON.
>> Stephen: WOW!
HAH-HAH!
THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY.
THIS IS YOUR CEREBRO?
(LAUGHTER) IS THIS HOW YOU TRACK THE
MUTANTS?
SOMEBODY PUTS ON THE HEADSET?
>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU DO THAT?
>> NO.
I THINK YOU MADE CEREBRO MAD.
>> Stephen: SO, WHO RUNS THIS?
>> SERGEANT SHUTE DOES.
>> Stephen: SERGEANT SHUTE?
HEY, SERGEANT SHUTE.
>> HELLO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS DISH COMMUNICATING WITH, SERGEANT?
>> IT'S COMMUNICATING WITH WEATHER SATELLITES AND G.P.S.
SATELLITES, COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITES, INTEL SATELLITES.
>> Stephen: SERGEANT, IS THERE ANY CHANCE I COULD RIDE THE
WHILE IT MOVES?
>> I DON'T BELIEVE SO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?
>> WELL, THERE IS SOME RADIATION IF IT STARTS TRANSMITTING.
>> Stephen: SO I'D BE, LIKE-- A SO HOW MUCH BARNING BEFORE IT
SETS ON POPCORN MODE.
>> THR ARE WARNINGS AND SIRENS GO OFF AND BEFORE IT STARTS
RADIATING ARE THERE REALLY COOL THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB YOU CAN'T
TELL ME ABOUT.
TELL ME.
>> Stephen: CAN IT SHOOT BEAMS?
CAN IT SHOOT A BEAM OUT OF IT?
>> NO, SIR.
>> Stephen: DOES IT HAVE OFFENSIVE CAPABILITIES?
>> NO, SIR.
>> Stephen: COULD YOU TELL ME IF IT DID?
>> NO, SIR.
>> Stephen: WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT!
TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FOUR.
THIS THING IS A-- (ALARM GOES OFF)
HOLY (BLEEP)!
(ALARM) >> Stephen: AS IF THAT WASN'T
TERRIFYING ENOUGH, I WAS INVITED TO SEE HOW THE BRAVE MEN
AND WOMEN OF THE SPACE FORCE MONITOR FOR THE LAUNCH OF
NUCLEAR MISSILES AIMED AT THE CONTINENTAL U.S.
NOW, THIS IS JUST GOING TO BE A SIMULATED ATTACK, RIGHT?
>> CORRECT.
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: SO I PROBABLY SHOULD JUST HAVE VIRTUAL PANTS TO CRAP?
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY!
ONCE YOU DETECT AN INCOMING, LET'S SAY, INTERCONTINENTAL
BALLISTIC MISSILE, ARMED WITH THERMONUCLEAR WARHEADS, HOW LONG
BETWEEN DETECTION AND IT GETTING TO ITS TARGET, GENERALLY
SPEAKING, ARE WE TALKING HERE?
>> ROUGHLY 15 TO 30 MINUTES.
>> Stephen: 15 TO 30 MINUTES?
>> YES, SIR.
>> CORRECT.
>> IT'S TO GIVE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE NATIONAL COMMAND AUTHORITY
TO DEPART WASHINGTON, D.C., SO, TO GET ON AN AIRPLANE AND--
>> Stephen: REALLY?
IT'S SO THEY CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE--
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND IF THAT HAPPENED, WOULD YOU--
>> CONTINUITY.
>> Stephen: --TELL THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES THAT THIS
ATTACK WAS COMING?
>> SO, WE DON'T TELL ANYBODY BUT MISSILE WARNING CENTER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY, I'M R-- I'M READY FOR A SIMULATION, WHENEVER YOU ARE.
>> SO, YOU CAN SEE ON THE SCREEN THESE YELLOW LINES?
SO, IN THE SIM, WE'VE-- WE'VE PROJECTED...
NEW YORK, WASHINGTON, D.C., L.A., AND... WAS IT QUEBEC?
>> OTTAWA.
>> Stephen: DOES OTTAWA HAVE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CAPABILITIES?
DO THE CANADIANS HAVE NUKES?
>> NO, CANADA DOESN'T HAVE-- >> Stephen: THEY DON'T HAVE
NUKES?
OKAY.
I KNOW, THAT'S FUNNY TO THINK-- >> THEY-- THEY DO--
>> Stephen: --CANADA'S BEING DANGEROUS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THEY'RE VERY LOVELY PEOPLE.
(BEEPING) ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THAT--
>> STARTING TO COME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A BOGEY?
>> FORCE DISPLAYS, NO MALFUNCTIONS, NO SIMS.
>> NO SIMS, IT'S VALID.
>> THIS IS THULE.
SITE REPORT IS VALID, NUMBER OF OBJECTS IS FOUR.
>> Stephen: NOW, WOULD THAT BE A SUBMARINE LAUNCH, BASED ON ITS
LOCATION, OF WHERE IT STARTED?
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: AND WOULD YOU BE THIS CALM WHILE THIS WAS GOING
ON?
>> I'D LIKE TO THINK SO, SIR.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SO, WHO DID YOU CALL WHEN THIS STARTED?
LIKE, WHEN YOU PICKED UP THE RED PHONE OVER THERE, WHAT IS
THAT, THE WHITE HOUSE?
WHO'D YOU CALL?
>> I WAS CALLING MISSILE WARNING CENTER.
SO, JUST MAKING SURE THAT THEY'RE SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING,
AND-- >> Stephen: AND WHAT DO YOU SAY
TO THEM?
>> "THIS IS THULE, STAND BY FOR SITE REPORTING.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED AN L.& P.I.?" SO, "ARE YOU ALSO SEEING THIS
DATA AS WELL?" >> Stephen: OKAY, DO YOU SAY
ANYTHING BEFORE THAT?
BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS KIND OF, LIKE, ABRUPT AND, FRANKLY, RUDE.
>> IT IS QUITE ABRUPT.
>> EVERYBODY'S ON A TIMELINE.
>> Stephen: BUT THERE'S NO REASON TO BE RUDE.
I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, BUT THERE'S PHONE
ETIQUETTE.
>> I WORKED AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, SO...
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH?
>> I'VE-- I'VE BEEN THE GUY ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE, SO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AND WHEN THEY CALL, WOULD YOU APPRECIATE A LITTLE, LIKE,
"HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, SERGEANT PIERCE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW HAIRCUT.
IT LOOKS GREAT.
BY THE WAY, THERE'S BEEN A MISSILE LAUNCH.
AD, HAVE A GREAT DAY."
LIKE, THAT'S NOT SO HARD.
IT DIDN'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.
>> NO, WE WOULD ACTUALLY PREFER THE CLEAR AND CONCISE
COMMUNICATION.
IT HELPS US GET OUR-- >> Stephen: YOU CAN DO BOTH.
YOU CAN DO BOTH.
AND WHAT'S THAT BIG RED PHONE FOR?
>> SO, THE BIG RED PHONE, THAT IS OUR MILSTAR PHONE.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, THE WHAT?
MILSTAR?
>> SO, MILSTAR IS OUR LAST LINES OF COMMUNICATIONS, AFTER A
NUCLEAR ATTACK.
SO, HYPOTHETICALLY, IF A NUCLEAR ATTACK WERE TO HAPPEN, WE WOULD
STILL HAVE COMMUNICATIONS WITH PEOPLE THAT WE NEED TO PASS--
CONTINUE PASSING DATA ON.
SO-- >> Stephen: SO THAT'S THE
POST-NUCLEAR ATTACK PHONE.
>> YES.
>> CORRECT.
>> Stephen: AND WHO PICKS THAT UP ON THE OTHER END?
>> HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY.
>> MISSILE WARNING CENTER.
>> Stephen: OR THE MUTANTS' VICE LORD, THAT NOW RULES WHAT USED
TO BE THE UNITED STATES WITH HIS ROAMING GANGS OF HALF-NUDE
WARRIOR MOTORCYCLE GANGS-- >> IF HE'S NOW-- IF HE'S WORKING
AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, THEN YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HOW MANY MILSTAR PHONES ARE THERE?
>> THERE'S ABOUT A DOZEN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THERE'S ABOUT A DOZEN OF THEM?
THAT'S ONE OF A DOZEN?
>> YES, SIR.
>> Stephen: SO, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE?
LIKE, WHITE HOUSE HAS GOT ONE, I ASSUME?
>> MM-HMM, YEAH.
>> Stephen: CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN'S GOT ONE?
>> CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, YEP.
THAT'S THE WARNING CENTER IN CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN HAS ONE.
>> Stephen: OPRAH'S GOT ONE?
>> ALL THE MISSILE WARNING SITES HAVE ONE.
>> Stephen: SO, THAT IS THE SCARIEST PIECE OF EQUIPMENT I'VE
EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, THERE.
THAT LITERALLY, THAT PHONE IS DESIGNED TO FUNCTION AFTER A
NUCLEAR EXCHANGE.
>> CORRECT.
SO, SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SIT AT A CONSOLE, THEY CAN--
WE HAVE OUR TRAINER AND EVALUATOR HERE, IF YOU WOULD
LIKE TO-- >> Stephen: WHERE WOULD I--
SHALL I BE IN THE EVALUATOR AND, WITH THE TRAINER?
WHAT DO I-- >> I'LL LET YOU TAKE THIS SEAT,
SIR.
THAT WAY YOU CAN BE CREW COMMANDER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
THANK YOU, SERGEANT.
>> BUT, I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH IT, IF YOU'D LIKE.
>> Stephen: GREAT.
GREAT.
LIEUTENANT?
>> YES?
>> Stephen: WHAT DO I DO?
>> OKAY, YOU WOULD MAKE THE P.A.
SO, USING THIS PHONE, THERE'S A P.A. BUTTON.
AND YOU WOULD SAY, "IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING.
IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING."
(P.A. BEEPING) >> Stephen: SHALOM.
(ECHOING) EVERYTHING'S FINE.
(ECHOING) IT'S ALL--
(ECHOING) IT'S ALL GOOD.
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST.
I LOVE YOU.
NEXT?
>> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY-- >> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY--
YOU WOULD SAY, "OKAY, I DIDN'T DO IT," OR, "THERE'S NO SIM."
WHICH, THERE IS NO SIM.
>> Stephen: "NO SIM.
I DIDN'T DO IT."
>> PERFECT.
I DIDN'T DO IT, AS WELL, SO IT IS A VALID SITE REPORT.
>> Stephen: BUT WOULDN'T YOU BE HAPPY IF I HAD DONE IT?
>> IT-- IT WOULD BE A BETTER DAY.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, I WAS JUST WONDERING, BECAUSE YOU SEEM
FAIRLY CHEERFUL THAT I HAD NOT DONE IT, AND THAT CONFUSED ME
FOR A MOMENT.
(LAUGHTER) PERFECT!
WONDERFUL!
IT'S AN ACTUAL LAUNCH.
OKAY.
AND, AT WHAT POINT DO YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE
NEW MUTANT LEADER?
>> SO, IDEALLY, WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE.
>> WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE.
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING IT'S A GOAL.
>> YEAH, SO THAT'S THE BAD PHONE--
>> Stephen: I'M NOT TRYING TO ENCOURAGE THIS SORT OF THING.
MATTER OF FACT, I'M-- I'D BE THRILLED IF YOU NEVER PICKED IT
UP.
>> SO, IT'S JUST A BACKUP IF THE OTHER PHONES DON'T WORK.
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST A BACKUP, IN CASE THE WORLD'S COME TO AN
END?
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL.
IT'S JUST A SAFETY NET IN CASE THERE'S BEEN A THERMONUCLEAR
WAR?
NO BIGGIE.
>> IT'S-- (BEEPING)
THAT'S THE CAMERAMAN.
>> THE BATTERY DIED.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
YOU'RE (BLEEP) FIRED.
(LAUGHTER) I APOLOGIZE.
APOLOGIZE FOR THE LANGUAGE.
WHEN WE COME BACK I DO KARAOKE AND SHOTS WITH SERVICE MEMBERS
AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT IT HAS
BEEN MY HONOR TO CHAIR WITH YOU MY
YOU MY TRIP TO THULE AIR BASE HIGH IN THE ARCTIC OF GREENLAND.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BUT DESOLATE PLACE.
IT'S SO FAR NORTH THAT, WHILE I WAS THERE, THE SUN WAS
UP 24 HOURS A DAY-- AND YET I STILL COULDN'T GET A TAN.
BUT I WAS HONORED TO MEET SO MANY OF THE SPACE FORCE SERVICE
MEMBERS, WHO ARE KNOWN AS "GUARDIANS."
THEY HAD SHOWN ME THE HARD WORK AND DEDICATION THEY PUT INTO
KEEPING THE REST OF US SAFE.
SO, I FIGURED I'D REPAY THEM BY SHOWING THEM WHAT I DO BEST:
TELLING JOKES AND DRINKING ALCOHOL.
>> Stephen: I WANTED TO THANK THE SERVICE MEMBERS AT THULE FOR
MAKING ME FEEL AT HOME-- SO INVITED THEM OUT FOR A NIGHT OF
FUN AT THE "TOP OF THE WORLD" BAR-- AND THEY ALL CAME!
WELL, I HOPE SOME WERE STILL WATCHING THE RADARS.
>> Announcer: PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW,"
STEPHEN COLBERT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: HELLO, THULE AIR
BASE!
GOOD EVENING!
OR GOOD MORNING, OR WHATEVER THE (BLEEP) TIME IT IS UP HERE.
(LAUGHTER) IT IS MY HONOR TO BE HERE TODAY
AND THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT.
I MEAN, Y'ALL COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW.
(LAUGHTER) YOU COULD BE IN YOUR ROOM...
(LAUGHTER) OR OUTSIDE GETTING, LIKE, ROCKS
FOR YOUR COLLECTION...
(LAUGHTER) AND THAT-- THAT'S ABOUT IT.
BUT STILL, YOU CHOSE TO BE HERE.
AND I'M HONORED TO BE WITH YOU.
UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN ONLY VISIT YOUR BASE FOR ABOUT 24 HOURS.
BUT I KNOW MOST OF YOU WILL BE FOR A YEAR.
OR, TO PUT THAT IN THULE TERMS, ABOUT TWO SUNSETS.
(LAUGHTER) AND THAT'S THE KIND OF A
COMMITMENT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
NOT ONLY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY, YOU CHOSE TO
SERVE IT HERE.
YOU CHOSE TO GO SOMEPLACE SO FAR NORTH THAT THE COMPASS
POINTS WEST.
(LAUGHTER) SO FAR NORTH, THE NORTHERN
LIGHTS ARE SOUTH HERE!
(LAUGHTER) SO FAR NORTH, YOU CAN SMELL WHEN
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER TAKES A CRAP--
(LAUGHTER) --AND YES, IT SMELLS LIKE CANDY
CANES.
AND WHILE THE SPACE FORCE MAY BE THE NEWEST BRANCH IN THE
ARMED FORCES, YOUR MISSION TO PROTECT OUR INTERESTS IN SPACE
AND EXPAND OUR SATELLITE COMMUNICATION CAPABILITIES IS
IMPORTANT TO ALL AMERICANS.
BUT, THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT THE SPACE FORCE I HAVE TO
ADDRESS RIGHT HERE.
EVERY OTHER BRANCH OF THE MILITARY HAS THEIR OWN ANTHEM.
"ANCHORS AWAY."
"HALLS OF MONTEZUMA."
"WILD BLUE YONDER."
BUT I RECENTLY FOUND OUT, THE SPACE FORCE IS SO NEW, THAT,
WHILE YOU'VE GOT A SONG, A 120-YEAR-OLD SOUSA MARCH CALLED
"THE INVINCIBLE EAGLE," IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LYRICS YET.
THAT ENDS TONIGHT.
(LAUGHTER) OR TODAY?
AGAIN, WHAT (BLEEP) TIME IS IT?
(LAUGHTER) I WANTED TO GIVE THEM A SPACE
FORCE ANTHEM TO BE PROUD OF, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT ALONE.
SO, TO HELP ME, I SMUGGLED UP GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING COUNTRY
MUSIC STAR AND NAVY VET, STURGILL STIMPSON.
(CHANTING) >> STURGILL, STURGILL, STURGILL,
STURGILL, STURGILL, STURGILL!
>> Stephen: AND, HIT IT.
>> Stephen: I HAD ONE LAST MISSION-- OPERATION "BUY
EVERYONE A ROUND AND TEAR THE ROOF OFF THE BASE WITH SOME
KARAOKE."
AND I CAN'T GO ON, WHOA WHOA.
>> Stephen: THE CHIEF MASTER SERGEANTOF THE UNITED STATES
SPACE FORCE BROUGHT THE PLACE DOWN.
("RADAR LOVE") HE SANG ABOUT WHAT THIS BASE IS
REALLY ALL ABOUT, "RADAR LOVE."
("WE GOTTA THING THAT IS CALLED RADAR LOVE")
SNOALT.
♪ WE GOT EYES IN THE SKY.
RADAR LOVE.
>> Stephen: I WAS PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO
EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING THESE TROOPS DO UP HERE TO HELP KEEP
US SAFE BACK HOME.
BUT IT WAS EVENTUALLY TIME TO LEAVE THIS ISOLATED BASE AT THE
TOP OF THE WORLD.
AND, AS I TOOK OFF, ONE THOUGHT FILLED MY MIND:
OH, (BLEEP), WE FORGET STURGILL SIMPSON!
>> STEPHEN?
STEPHEN?
STEPHEN!
THANK YOU, STURGILL SIMPSON, FOR JOINING ME UP AT THULE.
I PROMISE I'LL COME BACK AND GET YOU AS SOON AS THE SUN IS
BACK OUT.
WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER CANDID QUESTIONS FROM SOME OF
THE SERVICE MEMBERS.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
WELL, FOLKS, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT FOR OUR SPECIAL LOOK AT
MY TRIP TO THULE AIR BASE IN NORTHERN GREENLAND.
I WANT TO THANK THE U.S.O. FOR MAKING IT HAPPEN.
BUT I ESPECIALLY WANT TO THANK THE BRAVE SERVICE-MEMBERS--
THE GUARDIANS AND THE AIRMEN-- STATIONED UP THERE AT THE TOP OF
THE WORLD.
THEY WERE SUCH GRACIOUS HOSTS AND INDULGED ALL OF MY DUMB
QUESTIONS.
SO, BEFORE FLYING HOME, I AGREED TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS
OF THEIRS.
>> ANYBODY GOT A QUESTION?
>> MY WIFE ASKED ME IF THERE WAS AN INTIMATE MOMENT, I GOT ALONE
WITH YOU, WHICH WE HAVE RIGHT HERE.
>> I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE TROOPS.
(APPLAUSE) >> WHAT HAPPENS IN THULE STAYS
IN THULE.
BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FLIGHTS OUT OF HERE.
SO WHAT IS THE INTIMATE MOMENT ARE YOU LOOKINGS FOR.
>> IN 2009 SHE WAS IN IRAQ.
>> NO WAY, SHE WAS IN THE-- WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER THERE.
>> HEADED BY THE GENERAL, SHE WANTED ME TO SAY HI.
>> AND WHEN DID ODERNO SHAVE YOUR HEAD?
(LAUGHTER) GIVE YOUR WIFE MY BEST.
>> YES.
>> DID HE GIVE ADVICE.
>> E DID ACTUALLY.
I WENT AND HUNG OUT, I HAD BEEN ON THE SHOW TEN TIMES AND THEN
WHEN, ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE HE LEFT I SAID COULD I
COME SEE YOU.
AND HE SAID SURE.
AND WHEN YOU WENT TO DAVE'S OFFICE, NO ONE COULD GET INTO
DAVE'S OFFICE ON HAT PART OF THE FLOOR.
IT WAS GLASSED OFF WAY GLASS DOOR THAT HAD NO KEY.
YOU HAD TO HAVE YOUR THUMB PRINT RECOGNIZED BY A BIOMETRIC READER
ON THE WALL TO LET YOU IN, OKAY.
LIKE THAT GIVES YOU SOME IDEA OF HOW PRIVATE OF A MAN HE.
IS AND I WENT IN AND I ASKED HIM LIKE.
>> THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THOSE HERE.
>> NO, WE WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT THING.
WE COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY.
WE WERE IN SHOW BUSINESS, WE'RE COMPLETELY UNTRUST WORTHY.
>> I JUST ASKED HIM, I SAID DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A FEW
TINGS ABOUT DOING THE SHOW, HE SAID SURE, SHOOT, I SAID THERE
IS A BALCONY THAT IS DIFFERENT, HOW DO YOU RELATE TO THE
BALCONY, WHERE DID YOU PICK WHERE YOU ARE ON STAGE, WHERE Y
IS YOUR DESK OVER HERE, HOW FAR AWAY SPAWL SHAFFER.
I SAID WAIT A SECRETARY, AM I ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS.
HE GOES NO, STEPHEN, I'M HAPPY TO ANSWER THIS, NO ONE ASKED ME
THIS BEFORE.
>> I SAID NO ONE, 32 YEARS OF HOSTING NO ONE EVER ASKED YOU
THIS?
>> WHO WOULD KNOW TO ASK AND WHO WOULD CARE WHAT THE ANSWER WAS.
AND THAT WAS THE NICEST THING WAS TO SAY, WAS TO SAY YOU
UNDERSTAND WHAT MY JOB SAND HE TOLD THE STORY.
AND THEN HE SAID I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO DRIVE THE ELEVATOR,
BECAUSE THE ELEVATOR IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEAT REMEMBER BRASS
HANDLED OLD-FASHIONED ELEVATORS FROM 1927.
AND HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT AND THEN HE GOT OUT AND LEFT AND
IT WAS LIKE THE DAD HAD HAND IMMEDIATE THE KEYS TO THE
BUILDING.
IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL.
HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN SWEETER ABOUT T COULDN'T HAVE BEEN
>> WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE LIKED TALK SHOW HOST.
>> WHO IS MY LEAST FAVORITE TALK SHOW HOST?
[BLEEP].
>> OH [BLEEP].
>> I THINK THE SONG IS ABOUT READY.
IT'S ALL OF THEM!
THANKS AGAIN TO EVERYONE STATIONED AT THULE, AND
CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT ROGER A.
TOWBERMAN.
SEMPER SUPRA!
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE MARIAH CAREY AND
KUMAIL NANJIANI.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.