1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,804 TODAY'S ELECTION DAY IN GEORGIA'S U.S. SENATE RUNOFF. 2 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:07,540 >> THE POLLING REVEALS THAT VOTERS AND MANY SUPPORTERS HAVE 3 00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:09,943 SERIOUS QUESTIONS ABOUT WALKER'S HONESTY. 4 00:00:10,009 --> 00:00:11,144 >> HE HEANTS BEEN TRUTHFUL ABOUT ANYTHING. 5 00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:14,681 >> SEEMS LIKE SENATOR WARNOCK HAS LOST, MY INNING AT THE RID 6 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:18,551 IS BETTER THAN HE S MY HONEST IS BETTER THAN HE IS, I HAVE BEEN 7 00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:20,053 TRANSPARENT, HE HAS NOT. 8 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,857 >> AND NOW A COMPILATION OF HERSCHEL WALKER BEING HONEST AND 9 00:00:23,923 --> 00:00:24,391 TRANSPARENT. 10 00:00:24,457 --> 00:00:26,893 >> I'M NOT THAT SMART. 11 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,863 >> THIS HAS BEEN A COMPILATION OF HERSCHEL WALKER BEING HONEST 12 00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:32,732 AND TRANSPARENT. 13 00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:35,769 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 14 00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:35,935 T 15 00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:37,937 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!" 16 00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:40,707 TONIGHT: WARNOCK GONNA TAKE IT! 17 00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:45,979 AND, STEPHEN VISITS THE TROOPS AT THULE AIR BASE IN NORTHERN 18 00:00:46,045 --> 00:00:53,353 GREENLAND WITH CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF 19 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:56,589 THE SPACE FORCE, ROGER A. TOWBERMAN 20 00:00:56,656 --> 00:01:00,360 AND A SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY STURGILL SIMPSON 21 00:01:00,427 --> 00:01:05,698 FEATURING LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW BAND! 22 00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:09,636 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 23 00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,704 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 24 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:31,591 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). 25 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:33,660 >> Stephen: HELLO, HELLO. 26 00:01:37,797 --> 00:01:39,799 HEY, EVERYBODY. 27 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,804 WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW, 28 00:01:44,871 --> 00:01:51,511 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 29 00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:52,712 DO FEEL THAT EXCITEMENT, IT'S A BIG NIGHT, BECAUSE TODAY 30 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,113 WAS THE GEORGIA SENATE RUNOFF BETWEEN DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND 31 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:57,984 DAD LISTENING TO HIS DAUGHTER EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 32 00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:01,521 "LOVE ISLAND" AND "LOVE IS BLIND," RAPHAEL WARNOCK, AND 33 00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:05,892 REPUBLICAN CHALLENGER AND SELF-AWARE CINDERBLOCK, 34 00:02:05,959 --> 00:02:09,195 HERSCHEL WALKER. 35 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,898 VOTERS WERE OUT AT THE POLLS ALL DAY, AND AT 11:35 EASTERN TIME, 36 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:17,303 WITH ZERO-PERCENT OF PRECINCTS REPORTING, BECAUSE WE TAPED THE 37 00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:20,073 SHOW AT 5:30, "THE LATE SHOW" IS READY TO PROJECT THAT HERSCHEL 38 00:02:20,139 --> 00:02:20,740 WALKER... 39 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:27,013 DOES NOT BELONG IN THE SENATE. 40 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,781 CHEESIER PLACE. 41 00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:31,918 >> Stephen: WE CAN PROJECT. 42 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,953 WE CAN DECLARE. 43 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:36,823 THE U.S. SENATE IS IT'S NO PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHOSE 44 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,957 BRAINS DON'T WORK BECAUSE OF FOOTBALL INJURIES. 45 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:41,895 IT'S A PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHOSE BRAINS DON'T WORK BECAUSE 46 00:02:41,961 --> 00:02:46,032 THEY'RE 1,000 YEARS OLD. 47 00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:49,969 ONE THING WE DO KNOW ABOUT TODAY'S ELECTION IS THAT, THANKS 48 00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:51,938 TO RECORD-BREAKING EARLY VOTING, EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT SENATOR 49 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:59,145 WARNOCK WENT INTO ELECTION DAY WITH ABOUT AN EIGHT-POINT LEAD. 50 00:02:59,212 --> 00:02:59,812 OKAY. 51 00:02:59,879 --> 00:03:02,549 BUT KEEP IN MIND, THAT'S GOOD. 52 00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:03,883 IT'S NOT LIKE HERSCHEL DIDN'T TRY. 53 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:11,891 HE SPENT YEARS FATHERING AS MANY VOTERS AS POSSIBLE. 54 00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:13,192 (APPLAUSE) REALLY. 55 00:03:13,259 --> 00:03:14,561 WORKING THE POLLS. 56 00:03:14,627 --> 00:03:18,932 BOTH CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN OUT MAKING THEIR FINAL PUSH. 57 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:23,503 THIS WEEKEND, THE WARNOCK CAMPAIGN APPEALED TO VOTERS WITH 58 00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,405 A LASER LIGHT DRONE SHOW! 59 00:03:25,471 --> 00:03:29,776 A GREAT WAY TO GET OUT THE VOTE FOR HOMER SIMPSON. 60 00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:33,046 IT'S BEEN A TOUGH CAMPAIGN FOR HERSCHEL WALKER, BECAUSE HE 61 00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:37,417 KEEPS GETTING DERAILED BY COMMENTS MADE BY HIS MOUTH. 62 00:03:37,483 --> 00:03:40,019 TODAY, FOLKS ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS SPEECH HE MADE IN 2019: 63 00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:42,922 >> Y'ALL HAVE KIDS. 64 00:03:42,989 --> 00:03:44,090 EVERYBODY HAVE KIDS, I HOPE. 65 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:47,560 >> Stephen: "AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY, COME SEE ME AFTER. 66 00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:51,030 I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT." 67 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:57,670 GOT AN EXCELLENT BATTING AVERAGE, BATTER UP. 68 00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,305 I'M SORRY, I INTERRUPTED. 69 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:00,473 YOU WERE DOING BRAIN BALLET? 70 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:01,708 >> THEY HAVE KIDS THAT, THEY LOVE TO WATCH ALL THESE SHOWS, 71 00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:04,777 AND YOU HAVE TO SIT THERE AND WATCH THEM WITH THEM AND STUFF. 72 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:07,046 AND SOONER OR LATER YOU GET WHERE YOU LIKE THE SHOWS, BUT 73 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,314 THEY DON'T LIKE THEM NO MORE. 74 00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,617 AND NOW, YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM BY YOURSELF AND YOU FEEL LIKE A 75 00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:11,751 DIRTY OLD MAN. 76 00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,820 LIKE, I HAD TO RENT THE NEIGHBORS KID TO GO SEE "JUNGLE 77 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:16,990 BOOK" LIKE A YEAR AGO, BECAUSE MY SON DIDN'T WANT TO GO WITH ME 78 00:04:17,056 --> 00:04:18,992 TO SEE "JUNGLE BOOK," AND I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A 79 00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:23,296 WEIRD GUY IN THIS THEATER WATCHING "JUNGLE BOOK." 80 00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:24,430 >> Stephen: YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE A WEIRD GUY 81 00:04:24,497 --> 00:04:25,565 WATCHING "JUNGLE BOOK" ALONE. 82 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:28,001 YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A NORMAL GUY SHARING JUNIOR MINTS 83 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:36,843 WITH THE CHILD YOU RENTED. 84 00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:40,179 GET THE EXTRA INSURANCE, GET THE EXTRA INSURANCE. 85 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:43,082 WHOEVER WINS, THEY'LL BE HEADED TO THE U.S. CAPITOL, WHERE TODAY 86 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,752 THE HEROIC POLICE OFFICERS WHO DEFENDED CONGRESS ON JANUARY 87 00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:47,587 6th, AND THEIR FAMILIES, WERE HONORED WITH A CONGRESSIONAL 88 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:54,894 GOLD MEDAL CEREMONY. 89 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:58,097 (APPLAUSE) IT'S WELL DESERVED. 90 00:04:58,164 --> 00:05:01,401 THEY CONFRONTED A MOB HELL-BENT ON DESTROYING OUR SYSTEM OF 91 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:06,105 GOVERNMENT, RISKED THEIR LIVES DEFENDING DEMOCRACY IN THE 92 00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:07,440 HALLS OF CONGRESS, AND PUT UP WITH A LOT OF SOMETHING I CAN'T 93 00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:09,876 SAY ON CBS. 94 00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:10,843 MADAME SPEAKER? 95 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:11,511 >> THE POO POO. 96 00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:16,883 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 97 00:05:16,949 --> 00:05:18,985 THANK YOU, MADAME. 98 00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:21,854 NOW MEMBERS OF BOTH PARTIES WERE 99 00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:23,022 THERE, BUT FAMILY MEMBERS OF FALLEN CAPITOL POLICE OFFICER 100 00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,425 BRIAN SICKNICK DID NOT APPRECIATE THE REPUBLICANS IN 101 00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:27,427 ATTENDANCE. 102 00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:31,431 SO, WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE RECEIVING LINE, THEY WOULD NOT 103 00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:35,501 SHAKE THE HANDS OF MITCH McCONNELL OR KEVIN McCARTHY. 104 00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:41,708 DAMN. 105 00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:47,380 THAT IS-- WHEN ASKED WHY THEY WOULDN'T SHAKE THE REPUBLICAN 106 00:05:47,447 --> 00:05:50,416 LEADER HE'S HAND, SICKNICK'S MOTHER SAID THEY'RE JUST TWO 107 00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:53,653 FACED, I'M JUST TIRE OF THEM STANDING THERE AND SAYING HOW 108 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:59,492 WONDERFUL THE CAPITOL POLICE IS AND THEN TURN AROUND AND GO DOWN 109 00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:01,427 TO MAR-A-LAGO AND KISS HIS RING. 110 00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,796 AND BY RING, OF COURSE, SHE MEANS HIS... 111 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:07,433 HOW DO I PUT THIS DELICATELY? 112 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:15,508 BUTTHOLE. 113 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:21,080 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) SPEAKING OF WHICH, IT'S BEEN A 114 00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:25,418 ROUGH DAY FOR FORMER PRESIDENT THE MANCHURIAN CANTALOUPE. 115 00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:27,487 YOU KNOW HOW IT SEEMED LIKE THE GUY KEEPS BREAKING THE LAW WITH 116 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:31,424 NO ACTUAL CONSEQUENCES? 117 00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:35,495 WELL, NOW THE CON IS FACING SOME QUENCES, BECAUSE EARLIER TODAY, 118 00:06:35,561 --> 00:06:39,499 A JURY IN NEW YORK FOUND TWO OF THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S COMPANIES 119 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:47,573 GUILTY OF ALL 17 COUNTS OF TAX FRAUD AND OTHER CRIMES. 120 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:57,984 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IS IT RAINING? 121 00:06:58,050 --> 00:07:01,420 OH SANTA, YOU GOT MY LETTER! 122 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,489 I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT COMPLEX FINANCIAL 123 00:07:03,556 --> 00:07:04,690 CRIMES. 124 00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:09,529 WHAT HAPPENED WAS, TOP EXECS IN THE ORGANIZATION GOT AROUND 125 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,597 PAYING THEIR FAIR SHARE OF TAXES THROUGH A SERIES OF SCHEMES THAT 126 00:07:11,664 --> 00:07:13,800 INCLUDED OFF-THE-BOOKS PERKS LIKE LUXURY CARS AND FREE 127 00:07:13,866 --> 00:07:15,501 APARTMENTS. 128 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:18,070 BECAUSE NOTHING MAKES YOU LOOK LESS GUILTY THAN GIVING 129 00:07:18,137 --> 00:07:27,513 ALL YOUR EXECS A GETAWAY CAR AND A HIDEOUT! 130 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:29,782 THE BAD NEWS IS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HIMSELF ISN'T 131 00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,417 PERSONALLY CHARGED... 132 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:32,952 FOR NOW. 133 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,488 BUT COURT WATCHERS SAY THIS CASE MAY LAY THE GROUNDWORK FOR THE 134 00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:39,492 DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE TO INTENSIFY ITS WIDER CRIMINAL 135 00:07:39,559 --> 00:07:42,161 INVESTIGATION INTO THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BUSINESS PRACTICES, 136 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,997 AND HUSH MONEY PAID TO A PORN STAR. 137 00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:47,567 AND HOPEFULLY, IT'LL LEAD TO THE SEXIEST MOVIE EVER: 138 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:56,209 "DONALD DOES TIME." 139 00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:59,245 IT TOOK AWHILE, IT TOOK AWHILE. 140 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:03,316 I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT. 141 00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,519 THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S BIGGEST RIVAL FOR THE G.O.P. NOMINATION 142 00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:09,922 IS RECENTLY RE-ELECTED FLORIDA GOVERNOR, AND CAVEMAN AT A 143 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,490 TED TALK EXPLAINING, "SOME ANTS GOOD FOR EAT, OTHER ANTS MAKE 144 00:08:11,557 --> 00:08:13,426 BITE ON FACE"... 145 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,494 RON DeSANTIS. 146 00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:16,896 IN AN EFFORT TO RAISE SOME CASH HEADING INTO HIS SECOND TERM, 147 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:22,902 DeSANTIS IS OFFERING V.I.P. 148 00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:26,906 ACCESS TO HIS INAUGURATION, STARTING AT $50,000. 149 00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:32,044 BUT IF YOU'RE A REAL BIG SPENDER, DONORS WHO GIVE 150 00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:34,914 $1 MILLION WILL JOIN DeSANTIS AT A CANDLELIGHT DINNER THE 151 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:36,148 NIGHT BEFORE THE INAUGURATION. 152 00:08:36,215 --> 00:08:39,919 OF COURSE, IT'S HARD TO BE AT A CANDLELIGHT DINNER WITH RON 153 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:43,189 DeSANTIS, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO KEEP EXPLAINING, "FIRE FRIEND!" 154 00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:48,194 (AS DeSANTIS) "NO WOKE! 155 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:53,833 FIRE MAKE GAY!" OTHER DONOR BENEFITS INCLUDE 156 00:08:53,900 --> 00:08:56,035 JOINING THE FIRST LADY OF FLORIDA AT SOMETHING CALLED A 157 00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:58,304 "TOAST TO ONE MILLION MAMAS." 158 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,805 THAT'S WEIRD. 159 00:08:59,872 --> 00:09:02,074 I THOUGHT "A TOAST TO ONE MILLION MAMAS" WAS THE CAMPAIGN 160 00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:17,023 SLOGAN FOR HERSCHEL WALKER. 161 00:09:17,089 --> 00:09:18,591 SLOGAN FOR HERSCHEL WALKER. 162 00:09:19,458 --> 00:09:20,459 YOU'RE AN LIKE MOST WEEKS, IT'S BEEN A 163 00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:24,130 ROUGH WEEK FOR DISGRACED NEW YORK MAYOR AND FUGITIVE 164 00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:28,134 POSING AS A MEMBER OF THE CHUCK E. CHEESE BAND... 165 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,603 RUDY GIULIANI. 166 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,873 RUDY IS CURRENTLY IN HOT WATER WITH THE D.C. BAR BECAUSE HE 167 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:34,907 HELPED THE FORMER PRESIDENT TRY TO OVERTHROW THE 2020 168 00:09:34,974 --> 00:09:40,680 ELECTION, WHICH IS, TO USE A LEGAL TERM, ILLEGAL. 169 00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:42,448 SO, THE D.C. BAR IS HOLDING HEARINGS TO DETERMINE WHETHER 170 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:45,318 THEY SHOULD SUSPEND GIULANI'S D.C. LAW LICENSE OR GO FOR 171 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:46,085 DISBARMENT. 172 00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:48,454 DISBARMENT'S NO PROBLEM FOR RUDY. 173 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:58,531 IF HE CAN'T GET INTO A BAR, HE'LL DRINK IN THE PARKING LOT. 174 00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:01,767 HAPPILY. 175 00:10:01,834 --> 00:10:05,104 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON HIM. 176 00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,605 YESTERDAY'S HEARING GAVE RUDY AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO SOME RUDY 177 00:10:06,672 --> 00:10:07,873 STUFF. 178 00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,543 TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MOMENT RIGHT AFTER THE CHAIRPERSON ANNOUNCED 179 00:10:10,609 --> 00:10:12,445 A LUNCH BREAK. 180 00:10:12,511 --> 00:10:16,949 >> THANK YOU. 181 00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:28,394 DO YOU KNOW I HAVE TWO WATCHES ON? 182 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,463 THEY SEEM WEIRD BUT >> Stephen: OF COURSE HE WEARS 183 00:10:30,529 --> 00:10:31,630 TWO WATCHES! 184 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,533 THAT WAY IT'S TWICE AS LIKELY TO BE FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE. 185 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:35,468 "8:00 A.M.! 186 00:10:35,534 --> 00:10:38,537 A LITTLE TOO EARLY FOR CABERNET. 187 00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:41,040 OR, IS IT? 188 00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,641 CHEERS TO YOU, BROKEN CASIO!" WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 189 00:10:42,708 --> 00:10:46,612 TONIGHT! 190 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:54,453 I'M TAKING YOU TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD TO VISIT THE SPACE FORCE. 191 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:55,021 STICK AROUND. 192 00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,217 >> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND THE LATE SHOW 193 00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:29,989 BAND, EVERYBODY. 194 00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:34,727 LOUIS, YOU KNOW I DON'T KNOW IF I REMEMBER BUT 195 00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:36,529 AS I MENTIONED ON THE SHOW YESTERDAY, I RECENTLY HAD THE 196 00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:38,864 CHANCE TO WORK WITH THE U.S.O., THE NON-PROFIT CHARITY 197 00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:43,969 ORGANIZATION THAT HELPS SUPPORT SERVICE MEMBERS AND THEIR 198 00:11:44,036 --> 00:11:45,171 FAMILIES. 199 00:11:45,237 --> 00:11:48,541 EARLIER THIS YEAR, I TOLD THEM I WANTED TO HELP OUT, SO THEY 200 00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:53,345 SENT ME TO THULE AIRBASE, WHICH IS LOCATED IN NORTHERN 201 00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:56,382 GREENLAND, 750 MILES ABOVE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE. 202 00:11:56,449 --> 00:12:00,319 APPARENTLY THEY THOUGHT I'D BE MOST HELPFUL AS FAR AWAY FROM 203 00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,120 HUMANITY AS POSSIBLE. 204 00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:04,390 TURNS OUT, IT'S FASCINATING UP THERE. 205 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:08,127 THULE IS NOW UNDER THE COMMAND OF THE NEWEST BRANCH OF THE 206 00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:09,261 MILITARY, THE U.S. SPACE FORCE. 207 00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:11,764 AND I WANTED TO LEARN ABOUT THEIR MISSION AT THE TOP OF 208 00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:16,469 THE WORLD, SO I HEADED NORTH TO MEET WITH CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT 209 00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:18,204 ROGER A. TOWBERMAN. 210 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:23,342 JOIN ME NOW, ON THE MULTI-PART ADVENTURE THAT WE'RE CALLING... 211 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:28,414 THE LATE SHOW PRESENTS, "RED, WHITE, AND GREENLAND! 212 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:36,322 STEPHEN COLD-BEAR IS LOST IN SPACE FORCE." 213 00:12:36,388 --> 00:12:40,392 I TRAVELED FAR ABOVE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, TO THULE, GREENLAND. 214 00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:44,396 AS I VOYAGED ACROSS THE STUNNING, DESOLATE LANDSCAPE, 215 00:12:44,463 --> 00:12:48,334 2,500 MILES AWAY FROM HOME, I COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK... 216 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,603 WALKING WAS A BAD CHOICE. 217 00:12:50,669 --> 00:12:52,404 FINALLY, I MET UP WITH THE CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE 218 00:12:52,471 --> 00:12:54,306 SPACE FORCE. 219 00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:55,908 HEY. 220 00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:56,542 CHIEF TOWBERMAN, THERE YOU ARE! 221 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,911 (LAUGHS) >> HI! 222 00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:01,113 >> Stephen: HEY, THANKS SO MUCH FOR-- 223 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:02,148 >> YES, SIR. 224 00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:02,982 HOW ARE YOU? 225 00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:04,416 >> Stephen: --MEETING ME-- (PANTING) 226 00:13:04,483 --> 00:13:05,584 --UH, SOMEWHERE. 227 00:13:05,651 --> 00:13:08,387 I KNOW YOUR FULL TITLE IS CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE 228 00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:11,457 UNITED STATES SPACE FORCE, ROGER A. TOWBERMAN-- 229 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:14,226 BUT, IN THE INTEREST OF TIME, WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I JUST 230 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:18,330 CALLED YOU CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT OF THE UNITED STATES SPACE 231 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:19,698 FORCE, ROGER TOWBERMAN? 232 00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:20,866 >> YES, SIR. 233 00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:24,303 >> Stephen: WHEN DID THE CONCEPT OF THE SPACE FORCE BEGIN? 234 00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:27,206 >> IN 2001, THE RUMSFELD COMMISSION RECOMMENDED TO 235 00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,674 THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE THAT THEY CONSIDER SETTING UP 236 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,477 A SPACE FORCE. 237 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:32,511 >> Stephen: SO, 2001 WAS LITERALLY THE BEGINNING OF 238 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,613 YOUR SPACE ODYSSEY? 239 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,315 (LAUGHTER) >> YEAH, GUESS SO. 240 00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:37,650 >> Stephen: SEEN THAT MOVIE? 241 00:13:37,716 --> 00:13:38,717 >> I HAVE. 242 00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:39,318 >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE END MEANS? 243 00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:40,486 >> NO. 244 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,687 >> Stephen: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT SPACE BABY? 245 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:42,855 (LAUGHTER) >> I DON'T KNOW. 246 00:13:42,922 --> 00:13:43,989 >> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A SPACE BABY? 247 00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:44,423 >> NO. 248 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:45,224 >> Stephen: NO? 249 00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:46,425 >> NO. 250 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,026 >> Stephen: WOULD-- COULD YOU TELL ME IF YOU GUYS DID HAVE A 251 00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:47,459 GIANT SPACE BABY? 252 00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:48,227 >> PROBABLY NOT. 253 00:13:48,294 --> 00:13:48,827 >> Stephen: OKAY. 254 00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:52,398 SO, YOU HAVE A SPACE BABY. 255 00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:56,135 WHAT IS THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THULE AIR BASE? 256 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,236 WHY UP HERE? 257 00:13:57,303 --> 00:14:00,306 OBVIOUSLY, MADE A LOT OF SENSE DURING THE COLD WAR, BUT 258 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:08,414 THERE'S NO MORE TENSIONS WITH RUSSIA AT THIS POINT. 259 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,982 >> YEAH, SO, I-- I-- I THINK THERE STILL ARE SOME TENSIONS. 260 00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,217 THERE ARE CERTAINLY-- THERE'S- >> Stephen: I DON'T REALLY 261 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:11,817 FOLLOW THE NEWS. 262 00:14:11,884 --> 00:14:13,219 WHAT-- I DON'T-- (LAUGHS) 263 00:14:13,285 --> 00:14:14,887 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THOSE ARE. 264 00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:16,088 >> THERE'S-- IT'S-- SO, WE STILL HAVE AN IMPORTANT MISSION, 265 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,189 TO LOOK NORTH. 266 00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:18,224 AND-- AND THIS IS THE NORTHERNMOST BASE THAT WE HAVE. 267 00:14:18,290 --> 00:14:19,425 SO, YOU GET A GREAT-- >> Stephen: ANYWHERE IN THE 268 00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:20,392 WORLD, THIS IS AS FAR NORTH AS THE U.S. MILITARY HAS A BASE? 269 00:14:20,459 --> 00:14:23,996 >> YES, IT IS. 270 00:14:24,063 --> 00:14:25,631 SO, WHAT'S INTERESTING, FROM A SPACE PERSPECTIVE, IS THAT THE 271 00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:30,336 SAME TECHNOLOGY WE USE TO DETECT EARLY WARNINGS OF MISSILES, WE 272 00:14:30,402 --> 00:14:32,404 CAN ALSO SEE OBJECTS IN SPACE. 273 00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:36,976 SO, WE CAN USE IT FOR SPACE AWARENESS AS WELL, AND SO, KIND 274 00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,877 OF UNIQUELY SITUATED UP HERE. 275 00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,348 >> Stephen: HOW MUCH WARNING DO YOU GET IF THERE WAS A 276 00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:47,319 MISSILE LAUNCH? 277 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:49,288 ENOUGH TO... JUST, PANIC, OR WOULD I HAVE TIME TO LIMBER UP 278 00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:51,924 SO I COULD LITERALLY KISS MY ASS GOODBYE? 279 00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:54,326 >> SO, I BELIEVE WE'LL GET ENOUGH TO MAYBE KEEP YOU FROM 280 00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,395 HAVING TO SAY GOODBYE AT ALL. 281 00:14:56,462 --> 00:14:59,465 BUT IF I TELL YOU ANY MORE OF THAT-- WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO. 282 00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:02,534 SO, WE'LL JUST KEEP IT AT THAT LEVEL. 283 00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:04,403 >> Stephen: I DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ME ANYTHING THAT COULD 284 00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,872 POSSIBLY ENDANGER UNITED STATES SECURITY, UNLESS IT WOULD BE 285 00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:21,820 ENTERTAINING FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR. 286 00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:22,955 ENTERTAINING FOR PEOPLE TO HEAR. 287 00:15:23,022 --> 00:15:23,722 I'M A HUGE FAN OF FORCE. 288 00:15:23,789 --> 00:15:24,323 WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO? 289 00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:25,324 WHAT DOES SPACE FORCE DO? 290 00:15:25,391 --> 00:15:26,792 >> WE ENSURE UNFETTERED ACCESS TO AND FREEDOM TO 291 00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:28,127 MANEUVER IN SPACE. 292 00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:29,328 >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. 293 00:15:29,395 --> 00:15:30,329 IS THERE SOME FETTERING GOING ON PRESENTLY THAT WE DON'T KNOW 294 00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:31,497 ABOUT? 295 00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:32,097 LIKE, IS THERE-- IS THERE A-- IS THERE A SPACE WAR THAT WE 296 00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:33,232 DON'T KNOW ABOUT? 297 00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:35,334 >> THERE IS NOT A SPACE "WAR" THAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT. 298 00:15:35,401 --> 00:15:36,302 >> Stephen: SPACE SKIRMISH? 299 00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:39,972 IS THERE A SPACE SKIRMISH WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT? 300 00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:43,108 OH, THAT PAUSE SPEAKS VOLUMES! 301 00:15:43,175 --> 00:15:46,712 YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW MUCH CAN I TELL THIS GUY?" 302 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:47,946 >> YES. 303 00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:51,417 WELL, WE-- WE KNOW THAT THERE'S BEEN ACTIVITY RECENTLY, RIGHT, 304 00:15:51,483 --> 00:15:53,852 AND WEAPONS ARE BEING TESTED BY OTHER NATIONS. 305 00:15:53,919 --> 00:15:56,955 AND IT REALLY SHOULD CONCERN US THAT-- 306 00:15:57,022 --> 00:15:58,190 >> Stephen: WAIT, WE-- I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU. 307 00:15:58,257 --> 00:15:59,692 BUT, "WE KNOW THAT?" >> WE KNOW THAT. 308 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:00,926 >> Stephen: MEANING, YOU KNOW IT? 309 00:16:00,993 --> 00:16:01,694 OR I KNOW IT? 310 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:02,594 >> YOU-- YOU KNOW THAT. 311 00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:03,529 YOU KNOW THAT-- >> Stephen: WHAT DO I KNOW 312 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:04,096 ABOUT WHAT WEAPONS ARE BEING TESTED IN SPACE? 313 00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:05,331 IS IT THE RUSSKIES? 314 00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:08,133 ARE THEY UP THERE SHOOTING AT OUR G-- ARE THEY SHOOTING AT OUR 315 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:08,701 SATELLITES? 316 00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,302 ARE THEY, LIKE-- >> NO. 317 00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:11,303 >> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT? 318 00:16:11,370 --> 00:16:12,237 >> NO. 319 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,372 >> Stephen: ARE THEY R-- ARE THEY RAMMING US? 320 00:16:13,439 --> 00:16:16,041 IS THERE ANY-- LIKE, BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THOSE THINGS ARE 321 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,910 GOING UP THERE AT 17,500 MILES AN HOUR. 322 00:16:17,976 --> 00:16:20,012 ARE THEY-- IS IT, LIKE, YOU KNOW, "DOOM, DOOM, DOOM, RAMMING 323 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:24,116 SPEED?" IS-- IS IT-- YOU KNOW? 324 00:16:24,183 --> 00:16:26,919 IS IT GALLEON KIND OF BATTLES? 325 00:16:26,985 --> 00:16:27,920 >> NO, IT'S-- >> Stephen: SO WHAT ARE THEY 326 00:16:27,986 --> 00:16:28,420 DOING? 327 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,488 >> IT'S NO BATTLES. 328 00:16:29,555 --> 00:16:34,860 WHAT THERE IS, IS AN INCREASING AMOUNT OF ACTIVITY. 329 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,061 THERE'S MORE STUFF UP THERE. 330 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:40,933 JUST TWO OR THREE YEARS AGO, WE WERE TRACKING A LITTLE OVER 331 00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:44,002 20,000 OBJECTS IN ORBIT, ABOUT 1,500 OF THEM WERE MAN-MADE. 332 00:16:44,069 --> 00:16:47,973 AND NOW THERE'S NEARLY 50,000 OBJECTS, AND 5,000 OF THEM ARE 333 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:48,907 MAN-MADE. 334 00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:51,977 SO IT'S BECOMING VERY, VERY BUY. 335 00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:53,679 >> Stephen: WELL, WAIT A SECOND. 336 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:54,880 IF MAN DIDN'T MAKE THE OTHERS, ARE YOU SAYING ALIENS MADE THE 337 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:55,848 OTHERS? 338 00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:56,615 >> NO, THEY-- >> Stephen: DID YOU JUST LET THE 339 00:16:56,682 --> 00:16:57,683 CAT OUT OF THE BAG? 340 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:58,684 >> NO, NO, I DID NOT-- >> Stephen: THE CAT HAS THREE 341 00:16:58,751 --> 00:16:59,485 EYES? 342 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:00,119 >> THERE'S NO CAT. 343 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:00,452 >> Stephen: THERE'S NO CAT? 344 00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:01,186 >> NO! 345 00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:02,154 >> Stephen: UH-HUH. 346 00:17:02,221 --> 00:17:03,956 IT LOOKS LIKE A CAT, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY A CAT. 347 00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:04,923 NO? 348 00:17:04,990 --> 00:17:06,058 >> NO. 349 00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:09,862 >> Stephen: YOU ALSO MONITOR SUBMARINE-LAUNCHED MISSILES. 350 00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:10,963 TRUE? 351 00:17:11,029 --> 00:17:11,897 >> YES. 352 00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,132 >> Stephen: OKAY. 353 00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:17,903 WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MONITOR ALL OF SPACE, AND SOME OF THE OCEAN? 354 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,638 IS THE NAVY JUST THAT LAZY? 355 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:20,839 >> NO! 356 00:17:20,906 --> 00:17:22,574 >> Stephen: THAT THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, YOU GUYS, WOULD YOU TAKE 357 00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:23,475 SOME OF THE OCEAN? 358 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:23,942 WE ARE TUCKERED OUT." 359 00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:24,843 >> NO, NO. 360 00:17:24,910 --> 00:17:26,845 IT'S BECAUSE OF WHERE THE-- THE MISSILES-- 361 00:17:26,912 --> 00:17:27,980 >> Stephen: WHERE THE MISSILES GO-- 362 00:17:28,046 --> 00:17:29,915 >> THEY DON'T STAY UNDERWATER. 363 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:33,952 THEY-- THEY GO THROUGH-- >> Stephen: SURE. 364 00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:35,354 BUT THE MISSILES THAT ARE IN SPACE EVENTUALLY HIT THE LAND. 365 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,322 IT'S NOT LIKE THE ARMY TAKES IT FROM THERE. 366 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,056 YOU GUYS ARE THE SPACE FORCE. 367 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:39,124 >> YES. 368 00:17:39,191 --> 00:17:40,492 >> Stephen: SEEMS LIKE THE NAVY'S TRYING TO GIVE YOU 369 00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:41,894 SOME OF THE STUFF THEY DON'T WANT TO DO. 370 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:42,795 AND IT'S COOL. 371 00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:47,733 THERE'S NOBODY FROM THE NAVY HERE, RIGHT? 372 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:48,700 IT'S JUST US CHICKENS. 373 00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:52,004 YOU'RE THE SPACE FORCE'S TOP ENLISTED OFFICER. 374 00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,974 OKAY, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I HAVE ASKED 375 00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,176 MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT NASA. 376 00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,912 THEY'VE ASKED ME TO STOP ASKING IT. 377 00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:02,047 >> OH, GREAT. 378 00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:02,781 >> Stephen: BUT I WON'T. 379 00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:03,916 BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT. 380 00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:05,884 WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU-- AND WE'RE BOTH ADULTS, AND I 381 00:18:05,951 --> 00:18:09,788 NEED YOU TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION STRAIGHT-- 382 00:18:09,855 --> 00:18:11,890 ARE PEOPLE DOING IT IN SPACE? 383 00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,125 >> I DO NOT KNOW. 384 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:16,028 >> Stephen: DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE IMPORTANT FOR PEOPLE TO 385 00:18:16,094 --> 00:18:18,197 DO IT IN SPACE, SO WE KNOW WHAT'S THAT LIKE? 386 00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:20,566 TO PROPAGATE THE HUMAN SPECIES ON OTHER PLANETS, AND PERHAPS 387 00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:23,936 REPOPULATE THE EARTH, IN CASE ANYTHING HAPPENS WHILE PEOPLE 388 00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:25,437 ARE IN SPACE? 389 00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:26,004 >> FOR SCIENCE. 390 00:18:26,071 --> 00:18:27,673 >> Stephen: FOR SCIENCE! 391 00:18:27,739 --> 00:18:30,943 ARE PEOPLE DOING IT IN SPACE, FOR SCIENCE? 392 00:18:31,009 --> 00:18:32,244 >> I DON'T KNOW. 393 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:34,546 >> Stephen: YOU D-- YOU DON'T KNOW? 394 00:18:34,613 --> 00:18:35,581 >> I DON'T KNOW. 395 00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:37,583 >> Stephen: GOT TO IMAGINE, ANYTHING GOES, RIGHT? 396 00:18:37,649 --> 00:18:39,051 BECAUSE, NO GRAVITY. 397 00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:39,952 THAT'S BETTER THAN A WATER BED. 398 00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:41,520 RIGHT? 399 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,789 WATER BED'S IMPOSSIBLE, BY THE WAY. 400 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,323 THAT'S FOR THE NAVY. 401 00:18:44,389 --> 00:18:45,257 YOU GUYS ARE IN SPACE. 402 00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:51,964 FIND THE ZERO-G SPOT? 403 00:18:52,030 --> 00:18:53,065 NO? 404 00:18:53,131 --> 00:18:54,366 THIS IS WHEN YOU'RE BEGINNING TO REGRET THE INTERVIEW. 405 00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:55,634 I APOLOGIZE. 406 00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,337 YOU'RE A GENTLEMAN, AND I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS. 407 00:18:58,403 --> 00:19:01,273 OKAY, LET'S GET BACK TO THE ALIENS FOR JUST ONE SECOND HERE. 408 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:04,176 IF YOU HAD TO GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH AN ALIEN, OKAY? 409 00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:05,811 LET'S JUST KEEP IT SOMETHING BASIC. 410 00:19:05,878 --> 00:19:06,278 I'M NOT SAYING A GORN. 411 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:07,346 ALL RIGHT? 412 00:19:07,412 --> 00:19:09,848 I'M NOT SAYING A KLINGON, OR A KZINTI. 413 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:14,353 I'M JUST SAYING, LIKE-- A GREY, OKAY? 414 00:19:14,419 --> 00:19:16,288 WILLOWY, YOU KNOW-- LITHUANIAN BASKETBALL PLAYER, 415 00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:19,091 KIND OF LANKY. 416 00:19:19,157 --> 00:19:23,328 WHICH STARSHIP CAPTAIN WOULD YOU EMULATE IN YOUR FIGHTING? 417 00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:26,131 ARE YOU GOING CAPTAIN KIRK, REBOOT KIRK, PICARD, JANEWAY? 418 00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:26,732 >> OOH. 419 00:19:26,798 --> 00:19:31,904 I'LL PROBABLY GO HAN SOLO. 420 00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:32,838 >> Stephen: WOW. 421 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:35,474 VERY NICE. 422 00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:39,077 SO YOU JUST, "PEW, PEW?" >> HE SHOT FIRST. 423 00:19:39,144 --> 00:19:41,914 >> Stephen: WHY DO SPACE LASERS GO, "PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW, PEW?" 424 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:42,514 WHY DO THEY MAKE THAT SOUND? 425 00:19:42,581 --> 00:19:43,949 "PEW, PEW." 426 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,517 >> I DON'T KNOW. 427 00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,920 >> Stephen: BY THE WAY, IF HAN WAS HAVING SEX IN SPACE, WOULD 428 00:19:47,986 --> 00:19:50,923 HE SHOOT FIRST? 429 00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,926 OKAY, THAT'S A FIVE-STORY RADAR INSTALLATION. 430 00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:55,160 >> YES. 431 00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:57,963 >> Stephen: I HAVE HEARD THAT IF I STAND IN FRONT OF THAT FOR, 432 00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:01,767 LIKE, FIVE MINUTES, IT WOULD BOIL THE CONTENTS OF MY STOMACH. 433 00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:03,201 IS THAT TRUE? 434 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,236 >> THAT'S AWFULLY GRAPHIC. 435 00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:05,804 IT-- I-- I WOULDN'T TEST IT. 436 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:07,940 >> Stephen: WOULD IT COOK ME LIKE A MICROWAVE? 437 00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:09,908 >> I WOULDN'T-- YEAH, I-- I WOULD NOT STAND THERE. 438 00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,311 >> Stephen: I'VE GOT INTERNS. 439 00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:16,048 FOR COLLEGE CREDIT, WE COULD HAVE THEM WANDER IN FRONT OF IT. 440 00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:16,848 >> I DON'T THINK SO. 441 00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:19,952 >> Stephen: THEY'RE THEATRE MAJORS. 442 00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:23,555 IT'S NOT A BIG LOSS. 443 00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,856 THAT THING DETECTS I.C.B.M.s? 444 00:20:24,923 --> 00:20:26,091 >> YES, SIR. 445 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:29,027 >> Stephen: OKAY, I BET, WHEN IT'S 40° BELOW OUT HERE, EVERY 446 00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,228 B.M. YOU TAKE IS I.C. 447 00:20:30,295 --> 00:20:35,233 (LAUGHTER) I CAME 5,000 MILES TO MAKE THAT 448 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:35,867 JOKE! 449 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:37,302 >> THAT-- THAT IS FANTASTIC. 450 00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:39,504 >> Stephen: THANK YOU. 451 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,672 THANK YOU. 452 00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:41,306 I THINK OUR WORK IS DONE HERE. 453 00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:42,174 LET'S GO BACK TO THE STATES! 454 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,977 (LAUGHTER) I MADE A POOP JOKE, AT THE TOP 455 00:20:45,043 --> 00:20:46,211 OF THE WORLD. 456 00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:49,982 WHEN WE COME BACK, MY EPIC GREENLANDIC SAGA CONTINUES. 457 00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:51,049 STICK AROUND. 458 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,730 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. 459 00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:11,036 TONIGHT, I'M PRESENTING MY VISIT TO SPACE FORCE'S THULE AIRBASE, 460 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,938 DEEP INSIDE THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, IN A SERIES WE'RE CALLING: 461 00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:13,905 "RED, WHITE, AND GREENLAND! 462 00:21:13,972 --> 00:21:18,944 STEPHEN COLD-BEAR IS LOST IN SPACE FORCE." 463 00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:21,947 BECAUSE THE NETWORK DIDN'T WANT ME TO CALL IT "STEPHEN COLBERT: 464 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:25,784 ARCTIC CIRCLE JERK." 465 00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:27,653 NOW, IN PART TWO WE TAKE A BEHIND-THE-SCENES LOOK AT THE 466 00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:30,188 U.S. MILITARY OPERATIONS AT THE BASE. 467 00:21:30,255 --> 00:21:33,959 >> Stephen: I WANTED TO SEE EVERYTHING THERE WAS TO SEE AT 468 00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:36,094 THULE, AND UP FIRST WAS THE SUPER COOL 12th SPACE WARNING 469 00:21:36,161 --> 00:21:38,063 SQUADRON. 470 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,965 >> Stephen: AND SO, STUFF IN THERE IS SECRET? 471 00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:40,799 >> THERE IS SECRET STUFF IN THERE. 472 00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:42,067 >> Stephen: AND I GET TO GO IN? 473 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,001 >> YOU GET TO GO IN. 474 00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:44,069 >> Stephen: CAN THESE GUYS COME IN WITH US? 475 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:45,937 >> NO. 476 00:21:46,004 --> 00:21:55,981 >> Stephen: THEY CANNOT COME IN. 477 00:21:56,048 --> 00:22:02,020 I CANNER YOU WHAT I SAW, BUT THE THING I SAW WAS THE THING I WAS 478 00:22:02,087 --> 00:22:04,056 WONDERING I WOULD SEE AND I SAW IT. 479 00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:08,827 I WAS EXCITED TO SEE ALL THE OTHER THINGS I PROBABLY 480 00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:12,931 SHOULDN'T SO I HADEDDED THROUGH THE HAMP STER SYSTEM BUILT FOR 481 00:22:12,998 --> 00:22:14,933 THE LONG HARSH WILL WINTERS. 482 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,168 >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO KNOW, BEFORE YOU GET ME TO WHATEVER 483 00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:17,936 THE KILL FLOOR IS AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL, THAT I AM JUST NO 484 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:18,937 FUN TO HUNT. 485 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,539 I GIVE UP IMMEDIATELY. 486 00:22:20,605 --> 00:22:23,942 I DON'T EVEN BEG WELL. 487 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:25,110 >> Stephen: FINALLY, I ARRIVED AT THE 23rd SPACE OPERATIONS 488 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:26,878 SQUADRON. 489 00:22:26,945 --> 00:22:28,046 >> Stephen: WOW! 490 00:22:28,113 --> 00:22:32,951 HAH-HAH! 491 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,886 THAT'S EXTRAORDINARY. 492 00:22:34,953 --> 00:22:38,957 THIS IS YOUR CEREBRO? 493 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:39,991 (LAUGHTER) IS THIS HOW YOU TRACK THE 494 00:22:40,058 --> 00:22:40,659 MUTANTS? 495 00:22:40,726 --> 00:22:44,429 SOMEBODY PUTS ON THE HEADSET? 496 00:22:44,496 --> 00:22:48,767 >> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT. 497 00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:50,569 >> Stephen: DID YOU DO THAT? 498 00:22:50,635 --> 00:22:52,304 >> NO. 499 00:22:52,370 --> 00:22:55,273 I THINK YOU MADE CEREBRO MAD. 500 00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:56,341 >> Stephen: SO, WHO RUNS THIS? 501 00:22:56,408 --> 00:22:57,809 >> SERGEANT SHUTE DOES. 502 00:22:57,876 --> 00:22:58,376 >> Stephen: SERGEANT SHUTE? 503 00:22:58,443 --> 00:22:58,810 HEY, SERGEANT SHUTE. 504 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:00,011 >> HELLO, SIR. 505 00:23:00,078 --> 00:23:01,279 >> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS DISH COMMUNICATING WITH, SERGEANT? 506 00:23:01,346 --> 00:23:06,251 >> IT'S COMMUNICATING WITH WEATHER SATELLITES AND G.P.S. 507 00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:08,420 SATELLITES, COMMUNICATIONS SATELLITES, INTEL SATELLITES. 508 00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:10,856 >> Stephen: SERGEANT, IS THERE ANY CHANCE I COULD RIDE THE 509 00:23:10,922 --> 00:23:13,458 WHILE IT MOVES? 510 00:23:13,525 --> 00:23:15,026 >> I DON'T BELIEVE SO, SIR. 511 00:23:15,093 --> 00:23:19,197 >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? 512 00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:24,369 >> WELL, THERE IS SOME RADIATION IF IT STARTS TRANSMITTING. 513 00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:28,306 >> Stephen: SO I'D BE, LIKE-- A SO HOW MUCH BARNING BEFORE IT 514 00:23:28,373 --> 00:23:29,975 SETS ON POPCORN MODE. 515 00:23:30,041 --> 00:23:36,081 >> THR ARE WARNINGS AND SIRENS GO OFF AND BEFORE IT STARTS 516 00:23:36,148 --> 00:23:40,318 RADIATING ARE THERE REALLY COOL THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB YOU CAN'T 517 00:23:40,385 --> 00:23:44,422 TELL ME ABOUT. 518 00:23:44,489 --> 00:23:45,690 TELL ME. 519 00:23:45,757 --> 00:23:46,358 >> Stephen: CAN IT SHOOT BEAMS? 520 00:23:46,424 --> 00:23:46,958 CAN IT SHOOT A BEAM OUT OF IT? 521 00:23:47,025 --> 00:23:47,959 >> NO, SIR. 522 00:23:48,026 --> 00:23:48,326 >> Stephen: DOES IT HAVE OFFENSIVE CAPABILITIES? 523 00:23:48,393 --> 00:23:49,194 >> NO, SIR. 524 00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:49,761 >> Stephen: COULD YOU TELL ME IF IT DID? 525 00:23:49,828 --> 00:23:50,662 >> NO, SIR. 526 00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:52,197 >> Stephen: WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT! 527 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:52,964 TWO PLUS TWO EQUALS FOUR. 528 00:23:53,031 --> 00:23:54,499 THIS THING IS A-- (ALARM GOES OFF) 529 00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:56,368 HOLY (BLEEP)! 530 00:23:56,434 --> 00:24:02,774 (ALARM) >> Stephen: AS IF THAT WASN'T 531 00:24:02,841 --> 00:24:04,943 TERRIFYING ENOUGH, I WAS INVITED TO SEE HOW THE BRAVE MEN 532 00:24:05,010 --> 00:24:08,346 AND WOMEN OF THE SPACE FORCE MONITOR FOR THE LAUNCH OF 533 00:24:08,413 --> 00:24:10,682 NUCLEAR MISSILES AIMED AT THE CONTINENTAL U.S. 534 00:24:10,749 --> 00:24:12,117 NOW, THIS IS JUST GOING TO BE A SIMULATED ATTACK, RIGHT? 535 00:24:12,184 --> 00:24:12,484 >> CORRECT. 536 00:24:12,551 --> 00:24:14,419 >> YES, SIR. 537 00:24:14,486 --> 00:24:16,021 >> Stephen: SO I PROBABLY SHOULD JUST HAVE VIRTUAL PANTS TO CRAP? 538 00:24:16,087 --> 00:24:16,488 >> YES, SIR. 539 00:24:16,555 --> 00:24:19,024 >> Stephen: OKAY! 540 00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:22,093 ONCE YOU DETECT AN INCOMING, LET'S SAY, INTERCONTINENTAL 541 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:28,200 BALLISTIC MISSILE, ARMED WITH THERMONUCLEAR WARHEADS, HOW LONG 542 00:24:28,266 --> 00:24:31,269 BETWEEN DETECTION AND IT GETTING TO ITS TARGET, GENERALLY 543 00:24:31,336 --> 00:24:31,903 SPEAKING, ARE WE TALKING HERE? 544 00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:34,306 >> ROUGHLY 15 TO 30 MINUTES. 545 00:24:34,372 --> 00:24:35,740 >> Stephen: 15 TO 30 MINUTES? 546 00:24:35,807 --> 00:24:36,374 >> YES, SIR. 547 00:24:36,441 --> 00:24:40,111 >> CORRECT. 548 00:24:40,178 --> 00:24:44,149 >> IT'S TO GIVE ENOUGH TIME FOR THE NATIONAL COMMAND AUTHORITY 549 00:24:44,216 --> 00:24:46,017 TO DEPART WASHINGTON, D.C., SO, TO GET ON AN AIRPLANE AND-- 550 00:24:46,084 --> 00:24:46,952 >> Stephen: REALLY? 551 00:24:47,018 --> 00:24:48,353 IT'S SO THEY CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE-- 552 00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,321 >> ABSOLUTELY. 553 00:24:49,387 --> 00:24:50,288 >> YES. 554 00:24:50,355 --> 00:24:51,957 >> Stephen: AND IF THAT HAPPENED, WOULD YOU-- 555 00:24:52,023 --> 00:24:53,158 >> CONTINUITY. 556 00:24:53,225 --> 00:24:53,725 >> Stephen: --TELL THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES THAT THIS 557 00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:54,860 ATTACK WAS COMING? 558 00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:56,361 >> SO, WE DON'T TELL ANYBODY BUT MISSILE WARNING CENTER. 559 00:24:56,428 --> 00:24:57,963 >> Stephen: OKAY. 560 00:24:58,029 --> 00:25:02,000 OKAY, I'M R-- I'M READY FOR A SIMULATION, WHENEVER YOU ARE. 561 00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:06,137 >> SO, YOU CAN SEE ON THE SCREEN THESE YELLOW LINES? 562 00:25:06,204 --> 00:25:08,340 SO, IN THE SIM, WE'VE-- WE'VE PROJECTED... 563 00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:09,474 NEW YORK, WASHINGTON, D.C., L.A., AND... WAS IT QUEBEC? 564 00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:10,008 >> OTTAWA. 565 00:25:10,075 --> 00:25:11,142 >> OTTAWA. 566 00:25:11,209 --> 00:25:14,946 >> Stephen: DOES OTTAWA HAVE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CAPABILITIES? 567 00:25:15,013 --> 00:25:16,214 DO THE CANADIANS HAVE NUKES? 568 00:25:16,281 --> 00:25:17,349 >> NO, CANADA DOESN'T HAVE-- >> Stephen: THEY DON'T HAVE 569 00:25:17,415 --> 00:25:18,450 NUKES? 570 00:25:18,516 --> 00:25:19,517 OKAY. 571 00:25:19,584 --> 00:25:20,785 I KNOW, THAT'S FUNNY TO THINK-- >> THEY-- THEY DO-- 572 00:25:20,852 --> 00:25:22,320 >> Stephen: --CANADA'S BEING DANGEROUS. 573 00:25:22,387 --> 00:25:23,521 THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 574 00:25:23,588 --> 00:25:24,356 THEY'RE VERY LOVELY PEOPLE. 575 00:25:24,422 --> 00:25:26,124 (BEEPING) ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S THAT-- 576 00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:26,758 >> STARTING TO COME. 577 00:25:26,825 --> 00:25:27,692 >> Stephen: WE HAVE A BOGEY? 578 00:25:27,759 --> 00:25:28,693 >> FORCE DISPLAYS, NO MALFUNCTIONS, NO SIMS. 579 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,364 >> NO SIMS, IT'S VALID. 580 00:25:32,430 --> 00:25:33,965 >> THIS IS THULE. 581 00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:35,567 SITE REPORT IS VALID, NUMBER OF OBJECTS IS FOUR. 582 00:25:35,634 --> 00:25:38,303 >> Stephen: NOW, WOULD THAT BE A SUBMARINE LAUNCH, BASED ON ITS 583 00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:40,205 LOCATION, OF WHERE IT STARTED? 584 00:25:40,272 --> 00:25:41,373 >> YES, SIR. 585 00:25:41,439 --> 00:25:44,109 >> Stephen: AND WOULD YOU BE THIS CALM WHILE THIS WAS GOING 586 00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:44,776 ON? 587 00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:46,311 >> I'D LIKE TO THINK SO, SIR. 588 00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:47,946 >> Stephen: OKAY. 589 00:25:48,013 --> 00:25:49,714 SO, WHO DID YOU CALL WHEN THIS STARTED? 590 00:25:49,781 --> 00:25:50,949 LIKE, WHEN YOU PICKED UP THE RED PHONE OVER THERE, WHAT IS 591 00:25:51,016 --> 00:25:51,917 THAT, THE WHITE HOUSE? 592 00:25:51,983 --> 00:25:52,784 WHO'D YOU CALL? 593 00:25:52,851 --> 00:25:54,419 >> I WAS CALLING MISSILE WARNING CENTER. 594 00:25:54,486 --> 00:25:56,254 SO, JUST MAKING SURE THAT THEY'RE SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING, 595 00:25:56,321 --> 00:25:57,522 AND-- >> Stephen: AND WHAT DO YOU SAY 596 00:25:57,589 --> 00:25:58,523 TO THEM? 597 00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:01,526 >> "THIS IS THULE, STAND BY FOR SITE REPORTING. 598 00:26:01,593 --> 00:26:03,461 HAVE YOU RECEIVED AN L.& P.I.?" SO, "ARE YOU ALSO SEEING THIS 599 00:26:03,528 --> 00:26:04,462 DATA AS WELL?" >> Stephen: OKAY, DO YOU SAY 600 00:26:04,529 --> 00:26:06,197 ANYTHING BEFORE THAT? 601 00:26:06,264 --> 00:26:08,366 BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS KIND OF, LIKE, ABRUPT AND, FRANKLY, RUDE. 602 00:26:08,433 --> 00:26:09,200 >> IT IS QUITE ABRUPT. 603 00:26:09,267 --> 00:26:10,135 >> EVERYBODY'S ON A TIMELINE. 604 00:26:10,201 --> 00:26:11,937 >> Stephen: BUT THERE'S NO REASON TO BE RUDE. 605 00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:13,305 I MEAN, I KNOW IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, BUT THERE'S PHONE 606 00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:14,306 ETIQUETTE. 607 00:26:14,372 --> 00:26:15,674 >> I WORKED AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, SO... 608 00:26:15,740 --> 00:26:16,908 >> Stephen: OH, YEAH? 609 00:26:16,975 --> 00:26:18,410 >> I'VE-- I'VE BEEN THE GUY ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE, SO. 610 00:26:18,476 --> 00:26:19,644 >> Stephen: OKAY. 611 00:26:19,711 --> 00:26:21,279 AND WHEN THEY CALL, WOULD YOU APPRECIATE A LITTLE, LIKE, 612 00:26:21,346 --> 00:26:24,349 "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, SERGEANT PIERCE? 613 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:25,016 WHAT'S GOING ON? 614 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:26,718 I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW HAIRCUT. 615 00:26:26,785 --> 00:26:27,619 IT LOOKS GREAT. 616 00:26:27,686 --> 00:26:29,321 BY THE WAY, THERE'S BEEN A MISSILE LAUNCH. 617 00:26:29,387 --> 00:26:30,722 AD, HAVE A GREAT DAY." 618 00:26:30,789 --> 00:26:32,357 LIKE, THAT'S NOT SO HARD. 619 00:26:32,424 --> 00:26:33,892 IT DIDN'T TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL. 620 00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:36,361 >> NO, WE WOULD ACTUALLY PREFER THE CLEAR AND CONCISE 621 00:26:36,428 --> 00:26:37,562 COMMUNICATION. 622 00:26:37,629 --> 00:26:38,630 IT HELPS US GET OUR-- >> Stephen: YOU CAN DO BOTH. 623 00:26:38,697 --> 00:26:39,397 YOU CAN DO BOTH. 624 00:26:39,464 --> 00:26:40,498 AND WHAT'S THAT BIG RED PHONE FOR? 625 00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:44,436 >> SO, THE BIG RED PHONE, THAT IS OUR MILSTAR PHONE. 626 00:26:44,502 --> 00:26:46,304 >> Stephen: I'M SORRY, THE WHAT? 627 00:26:46,371 --> 00:26:47,505 MILSTAR? 628 00:26:47,572 --> 00:26:52,310 >> SO, MILSTAR IS OUR LAST LINES OF COMMUNICATIONS, AFTER A 629 00:26:52,377 --> 00:26:53,578 NUCLEAR ATTACK. 630 00:26:53,645 --> 00:26:56,915 SO, HYPOTHETICALLY, IF A NUCLEAR ATTACK WERE TO HAPPEN, WE WOULD 631 00:26:56,982 --> 00:27:00,318 STILL HAVE COMMUNICATIONS WITH PEOPLE THAT WE NEED TO PASS-- 632 00:27:00,385 --> 00:27:01,019 CONTINUE PASSING DATA ON. 633 00:27:01,086 --> 00:27:04,723 SO-- >> Stephen: SO THAT'S THE 634 00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:05,423 POST-NUCLEAR ATTACK PHONE. 635 00:27:05,490 --> 00:27:07,892 >> YES. 636 00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:08,927 >> CORRECT. 637 00:27:08,994 --> 00:27:09,627 >> Stephen: AND WHO PICKS THAT UP ON THE OTHER END? 638 00:27:09,694 --> 00:27:10,328 >> HOPEFULLY SOMEBODY. 639 00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:12,364 >> MISSILE WARNING CENTER. 640 00:27:12,430 --> 00:27:15,333 >> MISSILE WARNING CENTER. 641 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:16,634 >> Stephen: OR THE MUTANTS' VICE LORD, THAT NOW RULES WHAT USED 642 00:27:16,701 --> 00:27:20,372 TO BE THE UNITED STATES WITH HIS ROAMING GANGS OF HALF-NUDE 643 00:27:20,438 --> 00:27:23,808 WARRIOR MOTORCYCLE GANGS-- >> IF HE'S NOW-- IF HE'S WORKING 644 00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:26,578 AT THE MISSILE WARNING CENTER, THEN YES. 645 00:27:26,644 --> 00:27:27,345 >> Stephen: OKAY. 646 00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:28,279 HOW MANY MILSTAR PHONES ARE THERE? 647 00:27:28,346 --> 00:27:29,748 >> THERE'S ABOUT A DOZEN. 648 00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:30,648 >> YEAH. 649 00:27:30,715 --> 00:27:32,017 >> Stephen: THERE'S ABOUT A DOZEN OF THEM? 650 00:27:32,083 --> 00:27:32,484 THAT'S ONE OF A DOZEN? 651 00:27:32,550 --> 00:27:34,185 >> YES, SIR. 652 00:27:34,252 --> 00:27:36,354 >> Stephen: SO, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE? 653 00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:38,757 LIKE, WHITE HOUSE HAS GOT ONE, I ASSUME? 654 00:27:38,823 --> 00:27:39,624 >> MM-HMM, YEAH. 655 00:27:39,691 --> 00:27:40,358 >> Stephen: CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN'S GOT ONE? 656 00:27:40,425 --> 00:27:42,527 >> CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN, YEP. 657 00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:44,229 THAT'S THE WARNING CENTER IN CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN HAS ONE. 658 00:27:44,295 --> 00:27:45,130 >> Stephen: OPRAH'S GOT ONE? 659 00:27:45,196 --> 00:27:46,331 >> ALL THE MISSILE WARNING SITES HAVE ONE. 660 00:27:46,398 --> 00:27:48,366 >> Stephen: SO, THAT IS THE SCARIEST PIECE OF EQUIPMENT I'VE 661 00:27:48,433 --> 00:27:52,037 EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, THERE. 662 00:27:52,103 --> 00:27:55,840 THAT LITERALLY, THAT PHONE IS DESIGNED TO FUNCTION AFTER A 663 00:27:55,907 --> 00:27:56,374 NUCLEAR EXCHANGE. 664 00:27:56,441 --> 00:27:57,509 >> CORRECT. 665 00:27:57,575 --> 00:28:00,011 SO, SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SIT AT A CONSOLE, THEY CAN-- 666 00:28:00,078 --> 00:28:03,348 WE HAVE OUR TRAINER AND EVALUATOR HERE, IF YOU WOULD 667 00:28:03,415 --> 00:28:04,749 LIKE TO-- >> Stephen: WHERE WOULD I-- 668 00:28:04,816 --> 00:28:06,684 SHALL I BE IN THE EVALUATOR AND, WITH THE TRAINER? 669 00:28:06,751 --> 00:28:08,186 WHAT DO I-- >> I'LL LET YOU TAKE THIS SEAT, 670 00:28:08,253 --> 00:28:08,953 SIR. 671 00:28:09,020 --> 00:28:10,188 THAT WAY YOU CAN BE CREW COMMANDER. 672 00:28:10,255 --> 00:28:10,822 >> Stephen: THANK YOU, SERGEANT. 673 00:28:10,889 --> 00:28:11,823 THANK YOU, SERGEANT. 674 00:28:11,890 --> 00:28:12,357 >> BUT, I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH IT, IF YOU'D LIKE. 675 00:28:12,424 --> 00:28:12,924 >> Stephen: GREAT. 676 00:28:12,991 --> 00:28:13,925 GREAT. 677 00:28:13,992 --> 00:28:15,060 LIEUTENANT? 678 00:28:15,126 --> 00:28:16,361 >> YES? 679 00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:18,863 >> Stephen: WHAT DO I DO? 680 00:28:18,930 --> 00:28:19,798 >> OKAY, YOU WOULD MAKE THE P.A. 681 00:28:19,864 --> 00:28:23,802 SO, USING THIS PHONE, THERE'S A P.A. BUTTON. 682 00:28:23,868 --> 00:28:26,971 AND YOU WOULD SAY, "IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING. 683 00:28:27,038 --> 00:28:27,739 IMPLEMENT SITE REPORTING." 684 00:28:27,806 --> 00:28:29,808 (P.A. BEEPING) >> Stephen: SHALOM. 685 00:28:29,874 --> 00:28:31,743 (ECHOING) EVERYTHING'S FINE. 686 00:28:31,810 --> 00:28:34,345 (ECHOING) IT'S ALL-- 687 00:28:34,412 --> 00:28:37,982 (ECHOING) IT'S ALL GOOD. 688 00:28:38,049 --> 00:28:39,851 NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 689 00:28:39,918 --> 00:28:40,452 LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. 690 00:28:40,518 --> 00:28:43,688 I LOVE YOU. 691 00:28:43,755 --> 00:28:44,823 NEXT? 692 00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:50,562 >> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY-- >> OKAY, NEXT WE WOULD SAY-- 693 00:28:50,628 --> 00:28:52,697 YOU WOULD SAY, "OKAY, I DIDN'T DO IT," OR, "THERE'S NO SIM." 694 00:28:52,764 --> 00:28:54,299 WHICH, THERE IS NO SIM. 695 00:28:54,365 --> 00:28:55,233 >> Stephen: "NO SIM. 696 00:28:55,300 --> 00:28:56,367 I DIDN'T DO IT." 697 00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:57,469 >> PERFECT. 698 00:28:57,535 --> 00:29:00,638 I DIDN'T DO IT, AS WELL, SO IT IS A VALID SITE REPORT. 699 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:03,741 >> Stephen: BUT WOULDN'T YOU BE HAPPY IF I HAD DONE IT? 700 00:29:03,808 --> 00:29:05,510 >> IT-- IT WOULD BE A BETTER DAY. 701 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:07,312 >> Stephen: EXACTLY, I WAS JUST WONDERING, BECAUSE YOU SEEM 702 00:29:07,378 --> 00:29:08,513 FAIRLY CHEERFUL THAT I HAD NOT DONE IT, AND THAT CONFUSED ME 703 00:29:08,580 --> 00:29:11,816 FOR A MOMENT. 704 00:29:11,883 --> 00:29:13,918 (LAUGHTER) PERFECT! 705 00:29:13,985 --> 00:29:15,253 WONDERFUL! 706 00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:15,720 IT'S AN ACTUAL LAUNCH. 707 00:29:15,787 --> 00:29:17,388 OKAY. 708 00:29:17,455 --> 00:29:20,358 AND, AT WHAT POINT DO YOU PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THE 709 00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:22,360 NEW MUTANT LEADER? 710 00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:24,362 >> SO, IDEALLY, WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE. 711 00:29:24,429 --> 00:29:25,230 >> WE NEVER USE THAT PHONE. 712 00:29:25,296 --> 00:29:26,264 >> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING IT'S A GOAL. 713 00:29:26,331 --> 00:29:28,433 >> YEAH, SO THAT'S THE BAD PHONE-- 714 00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:30,802 >> Stephen: I'M NOT TRYING TO ENCOURAGE THIS SORT OF THING. 715 00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:32,203 MATTER OF FACT, I'M-- I'D BE THRILLED IF YOU NEVER PICKED IT 716 00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:33,338 UP. 717 00:29:33,404 --> 00:29:34,839 >> SO, IT'S JUST A BACKUP IF THE OTHER PHONES DON'T WORK. 718 00:29:34,906 --> 00:29:36,274 >> Stephen: IT'S JUST A BACKUP, IN CASE THE WORLD'S COME TO AN 719 00:29:36,341 --> 00:29:36,641 END? 720 00:29:36,708 --> 00:29:39,844 >> EXACTLY. 721 00:29:39,911 --> 00:29:41,012 >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL. 722 00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:44,282 IT'S JUST A SAFETY NET IN CASE THERE'S BEEN A THERMONUCLEAR 723 00:29:44,349 --> 00:29:44,616 WAR? 724 00:29:44,682 --> 00:29:46,351 NO BIGGIE. 725 00:29:46,417 --> 00:29:49,921 >> IT'S-- (BEEPING) 726 00:29:49,988 --> 00:29:51,689 THAT'S THE CAMERAMAN. 727 00:29:51,756 --> 00:29:53,291 >> THE BATTERY DIED. 728 00:29:53,358 --> 00:29:53,825 >> Stephen: OKAY. 729 00:29:53,892 --> 00:29:54,592 YOU'RE (BLEEP) FIRED. 730 00:29:54,659 --> 00:29:55,727 (LAUGHTER) I APOLOGIZE. 731 00:29:55,793 --> 00:30:00,465 APOLOGIZE FOR THE LANGUAGE. 732 00:30:00,532 --> 00:30:03,501 WHEN WE COME BACK I DO KARAOKE AND SHOTS WITH SERVICE MEMBERS 733 00:30:03,568 --> 00:30:04,569 AT THE TOP OF THE WORLD. 734 00:30:16,014 --> 00:30:18,116 WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TONIGHT IT HAS 735 00:30:18,183 --> 00:30:22,053 BEEN MY HONOR TO CHAIR WITH YOU MY 736 00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:23,321 YOU MY TRIP TO THULE AIR BASE HIGH IN THE ARCTIC OF GREENLAND. 737 00:30:23,388 --> 00:30:24,422 IT'S A BEAUTIFUL BUT DESOLATE PLACE. 738 00:30:24,489 --> 00:30:29,060 IT'S SO FAR NORTH THAT, WHILE I WAS THERE, THE SUN WAS 739 00:30:29,127 --> 00:30:31,729 UP 24 HOURS A DAY-- AND YET I STILL COULDN'T GET A TAN. 740 00:30:31,796 --> 00:30:34,132 BUT I WAS HONORED TO MEET SO MANY OF THE SPACE FORCE SERVICE 741 00:30:34,199 --> 00:30:37,068 MEMBERS, WHO ARE KNOWN AS "GUARDIANS." 742 00:30:37,135 --> 00:30:40,371 THEY HAD SHOWN ME THE HARD WORK AND DEDICATION THEY PUT INTO 743 00:30:40,438 --> 00:30:41,573 KEEPING THE REST OF US SAFE. 744 00:30:41,639 --> 00:30:44,008 SO, I FIGURED I'D REPAY THEM BY SHOWING THEM WHAT I DO BEST: 745 00:30:44,075 --> 00:30:46,311 TELLING JOKES AND DRINKING ALCOHOL. 746 00:30:46,377 --> 00:30:49,314 >> Stephen: I WANTED TO THANK THE SERVICE MEMBERS AT THULE FOR 747 00:30:49,380 --> 00:30:53,084 MAKING ME FEEL AT HOME-- SO INVITED THEM OUT FOR A NIGHT OF 748 00:30:53,151 --> 00:30:57,322 FUN AT THE "TOP OF THE WORLD" BAR-- AND THEY ALL CAME! 749 00:30:57,388 --> 00:30:59,757 WELL, I HOPE SOME WERE STILL WATCHING THE RADARS. 750 00:30:59,824 --> 00:31:01,326 >> Announcer: PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF "THE LATE SHOW," 751 00:31:01,392 --> 00:31:05,396 STEPHEN COLBERT! 752 00:31:05,463 --> 00:31:08,800 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen: HELLO, THULE AIR 753 00:31:08,866 --> 00:31:09,300 BASE! 754 00:31:09,367 --> 00:31:11,302 GOOD EVENING! 755 00:31:11,369 --> 00:31:13,304 OR GOOD MORNING, OR WHATEVER THE (BLEEP) TIME IT IS UP HERE. 756 00:31:13,371 --> 00:31:15,640 (LAUGHTER) IT IS MY HONOR TO BE HERE TODAY 757 00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,041 AND THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING HERE TONIGHT. 758 00:31:17,108 --> 00:31:21,279 I MEAN, Y'ALL COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW. 759 00:31:21,346 --> 00:31:28,953 (LAUGHTER) YOU COULD BE IN YOUR ROOM... 760 00:31:29,020 --> 00:31:30,555 (LAUGHTER) OR OUTSIDE GETTING, LIKE, ROCKS 761 00:31:30,622 --> 00:31:32,890 FOR YOUR COLLECTION... 762 00:31:32,957 --> 00:31:36,094 (LAUGHTER) AND THAT-- THAT'S ABOUT IT. 763 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:36,794 BUT STILL, YOU CHOSE TO BE HERE. 764 00:31:36,861 --> 00:31:39,864 AND I'M HONORED TO BE WITH YOU. 765 00:31:39,931 --> 00:31:42,400 UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN ONLY VISIT YOUR BASE FOR ABOUT 24 HOURS. 766 00:31:42,467 --> 00:31:45,370 BUT I KNOW MOST OF YOU WILL BE FOR A YEAR. 767 00:31:45,436 --> 00:31:50,408 OR, TO PUT THAT IN THULE TERMS, ABOUT TWO SUNSETS. 768 00:31:50,475 --> 00:31:53,111 (LAUGHTER) AND THAT'S THE KIND OF A 769 00:31:53,177 --> 00:31:54,412 COMMITMENT I'M TALKING ABOUT! 770 00:31:54,479 --> 00:31:57,482 NOT ONLY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO SERVE YOUR COUNTRY, YOU CHOSE TO 771 00:31:57,548 --> 00:31:58,616 SERVE IT HERE. 772 00:31:58,683 --> 00:32:02,420 YOU CHOSE TO GO SOMEPLACE SO FAR NORTH THAT THE COMPASS 773 00:32:02,487 --> 00:32:03,855 POINTS WEST. 774 00:32:03,921 --> 00:32:05,990 (LAUGHTER) SO FAR NORTH, THE NORTHERN 775 00:32:06,057 --> 00:32:06,891 LIGHTS ARE SOUTH HERE! 776 00:32:06,958 --> 00:32:09,360 (LAUGHTER) SO FAR NORTH, YOU CAN SMELL WHEN 777 00:32:09,427 --> 00:32:12,430 RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER TAKES A CRAP-- 778 00:32:12,497 --> 00:32:14,432 (LAUGHTER) --AND YES, IT SMELLS LIKE CANDY 779 00:32:14,499 --> 00:32:16,701 CANES. 780 00:32:16,768 --> 00:32:20,238 AND WHILE THE SPACE FORCE MAY BE THE NEWEST BRANCH IN THE 781 00:32:20,305 --> 00:32:24,242 ARMED FORCES, YOUR MISSION TO PROTECT OUR INTERESTS IN SPACE 782 00:32:24,309 --> 00:32:26,144 AND EXPAND OUR SATELLITE COMMUNICATION CAPABILITIES IS 783 00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:27,779 IMPORTANT TO ALL AMERICANS. 784 00:32:27,845 --> 00:32:30,615 BUT, THERE'S ONE THING ABOUT THE SPACE FORCE I HAVE TO 785 00:32:30,682 --> 00:32:31,749 ADDRESS RIGHT HERE. 786 00:32:31,816 --> 00:32:34,419 EVERY OTHER BRANCH OF THE MILITARY HAS THEIR OWN ANTHEM. 787 00:32:34,485 --> 00:32:36,421 "ANCHORS AWAY." 788 00:32:36,487 --> 00:32:38,423 "HALLS OF MONTEZUMA." 789 00:32:38,489 --> 00:32:39,590 "WILD BLUE YONDER." 790 00:32:39,657 --> 00:32:44,262 BUT I RECENTLY FOUND OUT, THE SPACE FORCE IS SO NEW, THAT, 791 00:32:44,329 --> 00:32:46,798 WHILE YOU'VE GOT A SONG, A 120-YEAR-OLD SOUSA MARCH CALLED 792 00:32:46,864 --> 00:32:50,201 "THE INVINCIBLE EAGLE," IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LYRICS YET. 793 00:32:50,268 --> 00:32:53,271 THAT ENDS TONIGHT. 794 00:32:53,338 --> 00:32:54,405 (LAUGHTER) OR TODAY? 795 00:32:54,472 --> 00:32:57,241 AGAIN, WHAT (BLEEP) TIME IS IT? 796 00:32:57,308 --> 00:32:58,843 (LAUGHTER) I WANTED TO GIVE THEM A SPACE 797 00:32:58,910 --> 00:33:01,779 FORCE ANTHEM TO BE PROUD OF, BUT I COULDN'T DO IT ALONE. 798 00:33:01,846 --> 00:33:05,450 SO, TO HELP ME, I SMUGGLED UP GRAMMY AWARD-WINNING COUNTRY 799 00:33:05,516 --> 00:33:09,253 MUSIC STAR AND NAVY VET, STURGILL STIMPSON. 800 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:10,588 (CHANTING) >> STURGILL, STURGILL, STURGILL, 801 00:33:10,655 --> 00:33:12,790 STURGILL, STURGILL, STURGILL! 802 00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:18,463 >> Stephen: AND, HIT IT. 803 00:34:27,398 --> 00:34:30,435 >> Stephen: I HAD ONE LAST MISSION-- OPERATION "BUY 804 00:34:30,501 --> 00:34:34,439 EVERYONE A ROUND AND TEAR THE ROOF OFF THE BASE WITH SOME 805 00:34:34,505 --> 00:34:38,943 KARAOKE." 806 00:34:39,010 --> 00:34:43,214 AND I CAN'T GO ON, WHOA WHOA. 807 00:34:43,281 --> 00:34:45,049 >> Stephen: THE CHIEF MASTER SERGEANTOF THE UNITED STATES 808 00:34:45,116 --> 00:34:52,123 SPACE FORCE BROUGHT THE PLACE DOWN. 809 00:34:52,190 --> 00:34:54,058 ("RADAR LOVE") HE SANG ABOUT WHAT THIS BASE IS 810 00:34:54,125 --> 00:34:55,827 REALLY ALL ABOUT, "RADAR LOVE." 811 00:34:55,893 --> 00:35:02,066 ("WE GOTTA THING THAT IS CALLED RADAR LOVE") 812 00:35:02,133 --> 00:35:02,667 SNOALT. 813 00:35:02,733 --> 00:35:07,905 ♪ WE GOT EYES IN THE SKY. 814 00:35:07,972 --> 00:35:09,974 RADAR LOVE. 815 00:35:37,001 --> 00:35:39,003 >> Stephen: I WAS PROFOUNDLY GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO 816 00:35:39,070 --> 00:35:41,205 EXPERIENCE EVERYTHING THESE TROOPS DO UP HERE TO HELP KEEP 817 00:35:41,272 --> 00:35:42,440 US SAFE BACK HOME. 818 00:35:42,507 --> 00:35:46,477 BUT IT WAS EVENTUALLY TIME TO LEAVE THIS ISOLATED BASE AT THE 819 00:35:46,544 --> 00:35:48,045 TOP OF THE WORLD. 820 00:35:48,112 --> 00:35:51,916 AND, AS I TOOK OFF, ONE THOUGHT FILLED MY MIND: 821 00:35:51,983 --> 00:35:57,388 OH, (BLEEP), WE FORGET STURGILL SIMPSON! 822 00:35:57,455 --> 00:35:57,688 >> STEPHEN? 823 00:35:57,755 --> 00:35:59,757 STEPHEN? 824 00:35:59,824 --> 00:36:03,394 STEPHEN! 825 00:36:03,461 --> 00:36:10,635 THANK YOU, STURGILL SIMPSON, FOR JOINING ME UP AT THULE. 826 00:36:10,701 --> 00:36:12,670 I PROMISE I'LL COME BACK AND GET YOU AS SOON AS THE SUN IS 827 00:36:12,737 --> 00:36:15,740 BACK OUT. 828 00:36:15,806 --> 00:36:16,908 WHEN WE COME BACK, I ANSWER CANDID QUESTIONS FROM SOME OF 829 00:36:16,974 --> 00:36:18,976 THE SERVICE MEMBERS. 830 00:36:30,988 --> 00:36:32,290 >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. 831 00:36:32,356 --> 00:36:35,927 WELL, FOLKS, THAT JUST ABOUT DOES IT FOR OUR SPECIAL LOOK AT 832 00:36:35,993 --> 00:36:38,930 MY TRIP TO THULE AIR BASE IN NORTHERN GREENLAND. 833 00:36:38,996 --> 00:36:40,364 I WANT TO THANK THE U.S.O. FOR MAKING IT HAPPEN. 834 00:36:40,431 --> 00:36:43,801 BUT I ESPECIALLY WANT TO THANK THE BRAVE SERVICE-MEMBERS-- 835 00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:46,103 THE GUARDIANS AND THE AIRMEN-- STATIONED UP THERE AT THE TOP OF 836 00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:47,271 THE WORLD. 837 00:36:47,338 --> 00:36:49,640 THEY WERE SUCH GRACIOUS HOSTS AND INDULGED ALL OF MY DUMB 838 00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:50,808 QUESTIONS. 839 00:36:50,875 --> 00:36:52,510 SO, BEFORE FLYING HOME, I AGREED TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS 840 00:36:52,577 --> 00:37:02,687 OF THEIRS. 841 00:37:02,753 --> 00:37:04,855 >> ANYBODY GOT A QUESTION? 842 00:37:04,922 --> 00:37:08,326 >> MY WIFE ASKED ME IF THERE WAS AN INTIMATE MOMENT, I GOT ALONE 843 00:37:08,392 --> 00:37:13,631 WITH YOU, WHICH WE HAVE RIGHT HERE. 844 00:37:13,698 --> 00:37:17,368 >> I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE TROOPS. 845 00:37:17,435 --> 00:37:24,942 (APPLAUSE) >> WHAT HAPPENS IN THULE STAYS 846 00:37:25,009 --> 00:37:25,810 IN THULE. 847 00:37:25,876 --> 00:37:29,146 BECAUSE THERE ARE NO FLIGHTS OUT OF HERE. 848 00:37:29,213 --> 00:37:32,950 SO WHAT IS THE INTIMATE MOMENT ARE YOU LOOKINGS FOR. 849 00:37:33,017 --> 00:37:35,086 >> IN 2009 SHE WAS IN IRAQ. 850 00:37:35,152 --> 00:37:39,590 >> NO WAY, SHE WAS IN THE-- WHEN THE SHOW WAS OVER THERE. 851 00:37:39,657 --> 00:37:40,424 >> HEADED BY THE GENERAL, SHE WANTED ME TO SAY HI. 852 00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:49,433 >> AND WHEN DID ODERNO SHAVE YOUR HEAD? 853 00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:55,439 (LAUGHTER) GIVE YOUR WIFE MY BEST. 854 00:37:55,506 --> 00:37:56,007 >> YES. 855 00:37:56,073 --> 00:37:58,442 >> DID HE GIVE ADVICE. 856 00:37:58,509 --> 00:37:59,677 >> E DID ACTUALLY. 857 00:37:59,744 --> 00:38:02,947 I WENT AND HUNG OUT, I HAD BEEN ON THE SHOW TEN TIMES AND THEN 858 00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:06,250 WHEN, ABOUT A WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE HE LEFT I SAID COULD I 859 00:38:06,317 --> 00:38:06,751 COME SEE YOU. 860 00:38:06,817 --> 00:38:08,052 AND HE SAID SURE. 861 00:38:08,119 --> 00:38:11,288 AND WHEN YOU WENT TO DAVE'S OFFICE, NO ONE COULD GET INTO 862 00:38:11,355 --> 00:38:13,457 DAVE'S OFFICE ON HAT PART OF THE FLOOR. 863 00:38:13,524 --> 00:38:16,761 IT WAS GLASSED OFF WAY GLASS DOOR THAT HAD NO KEY. 864 00:38:16,827 --> 00:38:21,265 YOU HAD TO HAVE YOUR THUMB PRINT RECOGNIZED BY A BIOMETRIC READER 865 00:38:21,332 --> 00:38:24,135 ON THE WALL TO LET YOU IN, OKAY. 866 00:38:24,201 --> 00:38:26,871 LIKE THAT GIVES YOU SOME IDEA OF HOW PRIVATE OF A MAN HE. 867 00:38:26,937 --> 00:38:30,841 IS AND I WENT IN AND I ASKED HIM LIKE. 868 00:38:30,908 --> 00:38:34,011 >> THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THOSE HERE. 869 00:38:34,078 --> 00:38:37,381 >> NO, WE WALKED RIGHT INTO THAT THING. 870 00:38:37,448 --> 00:38:38,683 WE COULD HAVE BEEN ANYBODY. 871 00:38:38,749 --> 00:38:43,454 WE WERE IN SHOW BUSINESS, WE'RE COMPLETELY UNTRUST WORTHY. 872 00:38:43,521 --> 00:38:46,724 >> I JUST ASKED HIM, I SAID DO YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A FEW 873 00:38:46,791 --> 00:38:50,961 TINGS ABOUT DOING THE SHOW, HE SAID SURE, SHOOT, I SAID THERE 874 00:38:51,028 --> 00:38:53,664 IS A BALCONY THAT IS DIFFERENT, HOW DO YOU RELATE TO THE 875 00:38:53,731 --> 00:38:56,267 BALCONY, WHERE DID YOU PICK WHERE YOU ARE ON STAGE, WHERE Y 876 00:38:56,333 --> 00:38:59,437 IS YOUR DESK OVER HERE, HOW FAR AWAY SPAWL SHAFFER. 877 00:38:59,503 --> 00:39:03,340 I SAID WAIT A SECRETARY, AM I ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS. 878 00:39:03,407 --> 00:39:05,676 HE GOES NO, STEPHEN, I'M HAPPY TO ANSWER THIS, NO ONE ASKED ME 879 00:39:05,743 --> 00:39:06,877 THIS BEFORE. 880 00:39:06,944 --> 00:39:09,880 >> I SAID NO ONE, 32 YEARS OF HOSTING NO ONE EVER ASKED YOU 881 00:39:09,947 --> 00:39:11,148 THIS? 882 00:39:11,215 --> 00:39:13,451 >> WHO WOULD KNOW TO ASK AND WHO WOULD CARE WHAT THE ANSWER WAS. 883 00:39:13,517 --> 00:39:18,789 AND THAT WAS THE NICEST THING WAS TO SAY, WAS TO SAY YOU 884 00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:21,192 UNDERSTAND WHAT MY JOB SAND HE TOLD THE STORY. 885 00:39:21,258 --> 00:39:23,994 AND THEN HE SAID I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO DRIVE THE ELEVATOR, 886 00:39:24,061 --> 00:39:27,364 BECAUSE THE ELEVATOR IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEAT REMEMBER BRASS 887 00:39:27,431 --> 00:39:30,367 HANDLED OLD-FASHIONED ELEVATORS FROM 1927. 888 00:39:30,434 --> 00:39:32,470 AND HE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE IT AND THEN HE GOT OUT AND LEFT AND 889 00:39:32,536 --> 00:39:35,539 IT WAS LIKE THE DAD HAD HAND IMMEDIATE THE KEYS TO THE 890 00:39:35,606 --> 00:39:36,107 BUILDING. 891 00:39:36,173 --> 00:39:37,241 IT WAS REALLY BEAUTIFUL. 892 00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:38,409 HE COULDN'T HAVE BEEN SWEETER ABOUT T COULDN'T HAVE BEEN 893 00:39:39,944 --> 00:39:44,648 >> WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE LIKED TALK SHOW HOST. 894 00:39:44,715 --> 00:39:49,587 >> WHO IS MY LEAST FAVORITE TALK SHOW HOST? 895 00:39:49,653 --> 00:39:51,455 [BLEEP]. 896 00:39:51,522 --> 00:39:52,590 >> OH [BLEEP]. 897 00:39:52,656 --> 00:39:57,495 >> I THINK THE SONG IS ABOUT READY. 898 00:39:57,561 --> 00:39:58,763 IT'S ALL OF THEM! 899 00:39:58,829 --> 00:40:01,932 THANKS AGAIN TO EVERYONE STATIONED AT THULE, AND 900 00:40:01,999 --> 00:40:03,534 CHIEF MASTER SERGEANT ROGER A. 901 00:40:03,601 --> 00:40:05,436 TOWBERMAN. 902 00:40:05,503 --> 00:40:06,504 SEMPER SUPRA! 903 00:40:18,015 --> 00:40:19,083 >> Stephen: THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 904 00:40:19,150 --> 00:40:20,217 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE MARIAH CAREY AND 905 00:40:20,284 --> 00:40:23,954 KUMAIL NANJIANI. 906 00:40:24,021 --> 00:40:25,890 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 907 00:40:25,956 --> 00:40:26,457 GOOD NIGHT.