OFFERED TO FULLY BUY TWITTER. MUSK SAYS THAT SOCIAL MEDIA
GIANTS NEEDS TO GO PRIVATE SO IT CAN BETTER SERVE FREE SPEECH.
>> HE SAYS HE WANTS TO PAY $54.20 A SHARE, OF COURSE 54.20,
THAT IS 4 TO IS A CODE FOR MARIJUANA.
>> AND HE IS ALSO RUNNING SPACE DPRKS.
>> AT SPACEX WE'RE ON A MISSION TO SEND HUMANKIND TO MARS.
MANY STILL FEEL RELUCTANT ABOUT INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL BUT OUR
FOUNDER ELON MUSK HAS AN IDEA TO CHANGE THAT.
MAKE EARTH REALLY BAD. MENT YOU SEE, RIGHT NOW EARTH IS
PRETTY GOOD. THERE ARE DOGS.
PANCAKES, EVEN A FEW TREES LEFT. IT IS CERTAINLY BETTER THAN
LIVING IN A JOYLESS BUBBLE EATING POTATOE GROWN IN MATT
DAMON'S POOP, BUR CHANGE MOST POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM
CONTROLLED BY A GUY WHO TWEETS STUFF LIKE THIS.
>> I PUT THE ART IN FARF. JACK IN THE BECOMES SHOULD DO
DOUBLE DUTY AS A SPERM DONOR, AND 69 DAYS AFTER 420 AGAIN, HA
HA, WILL YOU SAY MY GOD, GET ME THE HELL OFF THIS ROCK.
TWITTER EXECUTIVES, FOLLOW THE URGE THAT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE
AND GIVE ELON THE BIRD. THIS AD PAID FOR BY SPACEX WHERE
OUR MOTTO IS 58008 UPSIDE DOWN IS BOOBS, HA HA.
>> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, THANK YOU-- AND STEPHEN WELCOMES HUGH LAURIE.
AND MUSICAL GUESTS IDOLS. FEATURES JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANKS, EVERYBODY, WELCOME ONE
AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, DOWN THERE, TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW YORK.
AND FOLKS, THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS RESTED A BIT EASIER LAST
NIGHT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE N.Y.P.D. ARRESTED SUBWAY SHOOTER
SUSPECT FRANK JAMES AFTER IT GOT --
(APPLAUSE) , FEELS NICE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT YOUR KIDS ON THE SUBWAY.
THEY ARRESTED HIM AFTER THEY GOT A TIP ON ITS CRIME STOPPERS
HOTLINE. YOU KNOW THE NUMBER!
S S S S 800-588-2300
S CRIME STOOOOP. THAT IS NOT THE NUMBER.
WHOEVER MADE THE CALL IS A HERO, WHO STANDS TO RECEIVE UP TO
$50,000 IN REWARD MONEY. UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS UNCLEAR
WHO ALERTED THE POLICE, BECAUSE THERE WERE SCORES OF
CALLS, AND AN ARRAY OF PEOPLE TOOK CREDIT FOR TURNING
HIM IN. PLUS, TO COLLECT THE REWARD, YOU
HAD TO BE THE 19TH CALLER, AND SAY THE PHRASE THAT PAYS,
"CRIME STOPPERS IS NEW YORK'S NUMBER ONE CRIME-STOPPING
HOTLINE. STOPPING CRIMES FROM THE 80'S,
90'S, AND TODAY! BA-BA-BOOEY!"
ONE PERSON CLAIMING TO HAVE DROPPED A DIME ON JAMES IS
21-YEAR-OLD ZACH TAHHAN, A SECURITY CAMERA TECHNICIAN, WHO
WAS WORKING IN A STORE NEARBY WHEN
HE SAW JAMES THROUGH ONE OF THE SECURITY CAMERAS.
HEAR THAT, M.T.A.? CAMERAS WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN
THEY WORK. (APPLAUSE)
AT ALL. 800-588--- NOW
TAHHAN, A SYRIAN IMMIGRANT OBSERVING RAMADAN, BECAME A
SOCIAL MEDIA SENSATION LAST NIGHT WITH HIS EXPLANATION OF
HOW HE HEPED NAB THE SUSPECT: >> Stephen: YEAH, HE'S JUST
TASTING, MAKES YOU A LITTLE LOOPY WHEN ARE YOU TASTING.
>> Stephen: HE HAD TO MAKE THAT CLEAR, BECAUSE HE WAS STANDING
IN FRONT OF A SIGN THAT SAID "NEED CANNABIS DELIVERED?"
AFTER THIS WEEK? YES.
SEVERAL OTHERS HAVE CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY, AND TO
COMPLICATE THE SITUATION EVEN FURTHER, LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICIALS HAVE SAID THAT JAMES HIMSELF MAY HAVE CALLED
THE TIP LINE. THAT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD
AWARD CEREMONY: "MR. JAMES, HERE'S A KEY TO THE CITY,
A CHECK FOR $50,000, AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
QUICK, TAKE HIS KEY!" SO NEW YORKERS, YOU CAN REST
EASY AND RETURN TO THE SUBWAY. IT'S JUST AS SAFE AND
CLEAN AS YOU REMEMBER. SPEAKING OF FIGHTIN' BAD GUYS,
THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY ANNOUNCED THAT A RUSSIAN WARSHIP HAS BEEN
'SERIOUSLY DAMAGED' IN THE BLACK SEA AFTER UKRAINIAN FORCES
STRUCK THE SHIP WITH ANTI-SHIP NEPTUNE MISSILES.
I'M SURPRISED THEY'RE CALLED "NEPTUNE" MISSILES.
BECAUSE RUSSIA, UKRAINE'S KICKING "URANUS."
AT FIRST, RUSSIA DOWNPLAYED THE DAMAGE TO THE VESSEL, BUT LATE
THIS AFTERNOON, THE KREMLIN'S MILITARY SPOKESMAN RELEASED THIS
STATEMENT: >> YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP!
>> AND IT'S TRUE! TODAY, RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA CONFIRMED
THAT THE WARSHIP MOSKVA HAD SUNK.
OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA, THEY HAD TO SPIN IT
AS POSITIVE: (/ AS RUSSIAN/ )
BEGINS NEW MISSION: TO DE-NAZIFY BIKINI BOTTOM AND FINALLY GET
SECRET TO KRABBY PATTY!" OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE
-- I HAVE A REALLY DRIFTING RUSSIAN ACCENTS T GETS ITALIAN
VERY QUICKLY. OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE
GOAL OF THEIR INVASION WAS TO PREVENT THE EASTWARD
EXPANSION OF NATO, BUT THE ATTEMPT TO INTIMIDATE THEIR
NEIGHBORS SEEMS TO HAVE BACKFIRED, BECAUSE NOW
SWEDEN AND FINLAND ARE MAKING MOVES TO JOIN NATO.
THIS IS HUGE NEWS. NO ONE THOUGHT.
IT COULD BE THE MOST SHOCKING NORDIC ALLIANCE SINCE BLACK
LICORICE JOINED FORCES WITH SALT.
IS IT CANDY OR A DIRTY SNOW TIRE?!
PICK A LANE! YESTERDAY, THE SWEDISH AND
FINNISH PRIME MINISTERS HELD A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE,
WHERE FINNISH PRIME MINISTER SANAA MARINE SAID,
FINLAND WAS READY TO MAKE A DECISION ON JOINING NATO "WITHIN
WEEKS." WELL, THEY HAVE TO.
THEIR COUPON IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE!
REFER A FRIEND, GET ONE MONTH OF NATO FREE WITH PROMO CODE
"SUCK IT, PUTIN." (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, HELL YEAH. OVER THE WEEKEND, MARINE
EXPLAINED, "RUSSIA IS NOT THE NEIGHBOR WE THOUGHT IT
WAS." WHAT NEIGHBOR DID YOU THINK IT
WAS? JUST LISTEN TO RUSSIA'S STATE
FARM JINGLE: (/ AS RUSSIAN/ )
WE BOMB YOUR HOUSE." THE MOVE IS RISKY, AS RUSSIA HAS
REPEATEDLY WARNED FINLAND AGAINST JOINING NATO,
THREATENING SERIOUS MILITARY AND POLITICAL
CONSEQUENCES. OH, DAMN.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I WISHED THIS WAR WOULD "FINISH"!
DAMN YOU, CURSED MONKEY'S PAW! DAMN YOU, CURSED.
MONKEY PAW. SWEDEN IS EXPECTED TO JOIN NATO
TOO, IF ONLY TO KEEP RUSSIANS FROM SEIZING THEIR STRATEGIC
RESERVE OF SKARSGARDS. NONE OF THIS HAS STOPPED RUSSIAN
OFFICIALS FROM ISSUING THREATS. TAKE DEPUTY CHAIRMAN OF RUSSIA'S
SECURITY COUNCIL, AND CHEF DECLARING "THAT'S A SPICY-A
TURNIP," DMITRY MEDVEDEV. MEDVEDEV, WHO USED TO BE THE
RUSSIAN PRIME MINISTER AND PRESIDENT BEFORE DOING
WHATEVER THE HELL HIS "NEW" NO-SHOW JOB IS, WROTE A POST ON
TELEGRAM IN WHICH HE THREATENED RUSSIA WOULD BUILD UP NUCLEAR
FORCES IN THE BALTIC SEA REGION IF SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOIN NATO.
ONE PROBLEM, ACCORDING TO THE LITHUANIAN DEFENSE MINISTER,
RUSSIA ALREADY HAS NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN THE BALTIC REGION.
OK, YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO DO WHAT YOU'RE ALREADY DOING.
THAT'S LIKE SENDING A RANSOM NOTE THAT SAYS,
SEND US ONE MILLION DOLLARS OR WE WILL CUT UP YOUR MAGAZINE!
(APPLAUSE) THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TURNED
AGAINST RUSSIA. INCLUDING THE REPUBLIC OF
NETFLIX, WHICH SUSPENDED SERVICE THERE LAST MONTH.
NOW, RUSSIAN NETFLIX SUBSCRIBERS LAUNCHED A CLASS
ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF SERVICE.
THEN, AFTER A FEW HOURS, A SCREEN POPPED UP SAYING
"ARE YOU STILL SUING?" AND THEY HAD TO CLICK "YES."
IT'S NOT JUST THE VIEWERS WHO ARE MAD.
BECAUSE NETFLIX ALSO HALTED THE DEVELOPMENT AND ACQUISITION OF
ALL RUSSIAN-MADE TV SHOWS AND FILMS.
THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE -- SURE, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO
DO. BUT
THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW SEASON OF
BRIDGERTATO. FUN FACT:
THE VISCOUNT'S SEXY BUTT? (/ RUSSIAN ACCENT/ )
NICE, NICE, LITTLE BUTTER, LITTLE SOUR CREAM.
COUPLE OF BACON BITS. YOU GOT IT, BABY.
SPRING IS HERE, THE SUN IS OUT, THE FLOWERS ARE UP, THERE'S A
SPECIAL SOMETHING IN THE AIR. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S COVID.
BECAUSE CASES HAVE BEEN GOING UP ON THE EAST COAST, AND TWO NEW
OMICRON SUBVARIANTS ARE SPREADING QUICKLY IN NEW YORK.
SCIENTISTS AREN'T SURE HOW THEY'RE SPREADING THROUGH
MANHATTAN SO FAST, BUT THEY SUSPECT CITIBIKES.
THESE VARIANTS AREN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S OMICRON.
THEY'RE SUB-SUBVARIANTS OF THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, CALLED:
BA.2.12 and BA.2.12.1 C'MON, SCIENTISTS.
CAN'T YOU BE MORE CREATIVE THAN LETTERS AND NUMBERS?
PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THESE VARIANTS MORE SERIOUSLY IF YOU GAVE 'EM
COOL NAMES LIKE, "BIG BAD GREG."
"NO GOOD GRETCHEN." "SORRY, I CAN'T COME TO DINNER.
I'M LAID UP IN BED WITH "BIG BAD GREG"."
BIG BAD GREG, THAT IS HARD TO SAY.
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: THAT'S OKAY.
THE YOU ARE TOO KIND, THAT IS REALLY TOO NICE.
THE NEW VARIANTS ARE THE MOST HIGHLY-TRANSMISSIBLE
STRAINS OF COVID IDENTIFIED TO DATE.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP GETTING MORE TRANSMISSIBLE THAN THE MOST
TRANSMISSIBLE VIRUS OF ALL TIME? THIS IS LIKE WHEN WE WERE
TOLD THE MOST EXTREME OREO WAS S DOUBLE STUFF BUT THEN MUTATED
TO "MEGA STUF," AND NOW WE'RE UP TO
"MOST STUF." NEXT, THEY'RE JUST GONNA LOWER US HEAD-FIRST INTO
"STUF!" --" THAT FIGHTS COVID, THAT IS E
OF THE TREATMENTS. OH, THIS IS SOMETHING.
THERE'S NEWS ABOUT TESLA BILLIONAIRE AND GROOM GIVING THE
WORST POSSIBLE "I DO," ELON MUSK.
A WEEK AGO, MUSK BECAME TWITTER'S LARGEST
SHAREHOLDER, AFTER BUYING $2.89 BILLION WORTH OF THE
COMPANY. OK.
DID NO ONE TELL HIM YOU CAN READ ALL THE TWEETS FOR FREE?
AFTER HIS BIG INVESTMENT, HE SPENT THE WEEK SITTING DOWN WITH
EXPERTS TO PLAN A LONGTERM BUSINESS STRATEGY, BY WHICH I
MEAN HE POSTED A BUNCH OF TROLL-Y NONSENSE, LIKE:
"TWITTER'S NEXT BOARD MEETING IS GONNA BE LIT",
AND A POLL SUGGESTING THEY CHANGE THE NAME TO
"TITTER." ONE OF THE GREATEST INNOVATORS
OF OUR TIME, FOLKS! IT'S LIKE WHEN THOMAS EDISON
DEBUTED HIS MARVELOUS INCANDESCENT
"LIGHT BOOB." (APPLAUSE)
BUT THAT STOCK PURCHASE WASN'T ENOUGH FOR THE MUSK MAN.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, MUSK OFFERED TO BUY TWITTER FOR
$43 BILLION IN CASH. OH MY GOD.
YOU COULD DO SO MUCH WITH THAT MONEY: ADDRESS WORLD HUNGER, FIX
CLIMATE CHANGE, GET A DECENT HAIR CUT.
IN A STATEMENT, MUSK SAID THAT HE'S DECIDED HIS INITIAL
INVESTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH AND NOW BELIEVES "TWITTER NEEDS TO
BE TRANSFORMED AS A PRIVATE COMPANY" AND THAT HIS GOAL IS TO
MAKE TWITTER "THE PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH AROUND THE
GLOBE." HEY, DING-A-LING: TWITTER IS
ALREADY AN INTERNATIONAL PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH!
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW? BECAUSE NO ONE AT TWITTER
CAN STOP ME FROM TWEETING "SUCK IT, ELON MUSK" IN EVERY
LANGUAGE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS HUGH THE ONE.
THE ONLY, MR. HUGH LAURIE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
MEANWHILE! JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, STAY HUMAN.
(APPLAUSE) OH JON, JON, YOU KNOW, I'M A
LUCKY MAN TO DO THIS SHOW. OBVIOUSLY TO SHARE THE STAGE
WITH YOU AND THE BAND AND ALSO TO BE ABLE TO SHARE THE STAGE
WITH SOME OF THE GUESTS WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT.
ALL OF THE GUESTS REALLY BUT SOMETIMES YOU KNOW, LIKE A
LITTLE DREAM GUEST COME AS LONG, SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE, HUGH
LAURIE IS HERE TONIGHT. HE IS ONE OF MY COMEDIC HEROES.
HE CAN DO IT ALL. HE CAN DO IT ALL.
HE IS HOUSE. HE IS HOUSE.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE.
CAREFULLY SORTING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AND
SELECTING ONLY THE MOST SUPPLE AND UNBLEMISHED OSTRICH
AND CROCODILE NEWS LEATHER, WHICH I THEN ENTRUST TO ARTISAN
GRADUATES OF THE "ECOLE GREGOIRE-FERRANDI," WHO
CAREFULLY DYE THEM IN A PALETTE OF BRIGHT, ZESTY SHADES, AND
ADORN THEM WITH THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL INLAY WORK USING HAND
TOOLS AND DOUBLE MAGNIFYING GLASSES, THEN ASSEMBLE THEM
ACCORDING TO NOW CLASSIC AND ELEGANT GEOMETRY USING OUR
SIGNATURE SADDLE STITCHING, AND LINE IT WITH BEESWAX-COATED
LINEN, AND FINALLY ATTACH A MALLET-HAMMERED STRAP, PEARLED
HARDWARE, AND A CLOCHETTE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE ONE-OF-A-KIND
HAUTE COUTURE HERMES BIRKIN BAG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLK,
BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE LAST CAR OF AN ABANDONED ROLLER
COASTER AT CONEY ISLAND, WHERE I'M HIDING FROM THE TRIADS, I
HUFF SOME ENGINE LUBRICANTS OUT OF A SAFEWAY BAG AND STAGGER
DOWN THE SHORE TO TEAR THE SAIL OFF A BEACHED SCHOONER, THEN I
RIP THE CO-AXIAL CABLE OUT OF THE R.V. OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE
FROM UTAH, HANK AND MABEL, LOVELY FOLKS, AND USE IT TO
STITCH THE SAIL INTO A LOOSE, POUCH-LIKE RUCKSACK, THEN I
STOW AWAY IN THE BACK OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO THE JUNK YARD
WHERE I PICK THROUGH THE DEBRIS FOR ONLY THE BROKEN TOYS THAT
MAKE ME THE SADDEST UNTIL I HAVE LOADED, FOR YOU, THE HOBO
FUGITIVE'S BUG-OUT BINDLE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE! (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT IS THE ONLY FOOD I NEED.
MEANWHILE, THE LATE SHOW CAN NOT-AT-ALL-EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL
THAT: "KIM KARDASHIAN SAYS PETE DAVIDSON TRIED TO GIVE HER HIS
NUMBER WHEN THEY FIRST CONNECTED AT THE MET GALA, BUT
SHE COULDN'T USE HER PHONE BECAUSE OF HER OUTFIT."
I'VE BEEN THERE. IT'S TOUGH TO USE A TOUCH
SCREEN WHEN YOU'RE COSPLAYING AS A DEMENTOR.
MEANWHILE, LULULEMON WANTS YOUR USED WORKOUT CLOTHES.
IT'S THE BRAINCHILD OF LULULEMON'S NEW HEAD
OF MARKETING: CREEPY GUY CREEPY RICK.
MEANWHILE, THANKS TO A BRAND NEW LAW, "TENNESSEE WILL MAKE
IVERMECTIN AVAILABLE WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION."
OK. QUICK QUESTION: ALL THOSE PEOPLE
WHO TOOK IVERMECTIN BEFORE HAD A PRESCRIPTION?
FROM WHO? "YES DOCTOR, I HAVE A HEART
CONDITION, WORMS, AND I AM A HORSE.
I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE A HORSE.
THAT'S HOW SICK I AM." IVERMECTIN IS, OF COURSE, A
POPULAR COVID CURE AMONG PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE THAT IT DOESN'T
CURE COVID. AND ONLY ONE REPUBLICAN VOTED NO
TO THIS BILL: SENATOR RICHARD BRIGGS, A
SURGEON FROM KNOXVILLE, WHO ADMITTED
HE MAY HAVE A "PRO-SCIENCE BIAS."
NO! NO, AHA, NAH-HUH.
FACTS AREN'T BIAS! THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "BASED
ON THE FLAMES AND SCREAMING, I THINK YOU'RE ON FIRE.
THEN AGAIN, I MAY HAVE A SEEING AND SMELLING BIAS.
BUT HEY - DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH." MEANWHILE, SEXY LINGERIE FOR MEN
IS HERE. UM, EXCUSE ME?
SEXY LINGERIE FOR MEN HAS "BEEN" HERE.
TURNS OUT, DESIGNERS ARE THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOXERS, AND
NOW "LACEY THONGS AND SHEER UNDERGARMENTS DESIGNED FOR MEN'S
BODIES ARE SHAKING UP THE TRADITIONAL LINGERIE MARKET."
OKAY, BUT DON'T SHAKE TOO HARD, OR SOMETHING'S GONNA POP OUT OF
THERE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH
LAURIE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR,
MUSICIAN, AND WRITER YOU KNOW FROM "HOUSE," "THE NIGHT
MANAGER," AND "VEEP." HE HAS JUST ADAPTED AN
AGATHA CHRISTIE NOVEL, "WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS?",
WHICH HE ALSO DIRECTS AND STARS IN.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, HUGH LAURIE!
(OUTRO)
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stphen: SO NICE TO YOU HAVE BACK.
>> IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK. >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO
THE STATES. >> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG WERE YOU OVER IN LONDON.
>> WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE, WELL, I HAVE LOST TRACK OF TIME.
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I WAS-- .
>> Stephen: 20, 20 WAS THE LAST TIME YOU COULD EASILY GET
BACK OVER, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF YEARS.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY BEING
BACK. >> I LOVE IT.
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT I HAD A VERY TOUGH TIME GETTING BACK IF.
>> Stephen: TO THE UNITED STATES.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHY.
>> GETTING IN HERE. >> Stephen: WHY ARE WE KEEPING
YOU OUT? >> BECAUSE I HAD NEGLECTED TO
OBSERVE THAT A GREEN CARD IS EXPIRED.
I DIDN'T READ T I DIDN'T READ THE SMALL PRINT AND IT EXPIRES
AND THEN I THOUGHT OH, I BETTER GET ANOTHER ONE AND THEY SAID
YEAH, IT WILL TAKE ABOUT A WEEK. AND THREE TO FOUR MONTHS WENT BY
AND I STARTED TO PANIC ABOUT TONIGHT, I THOUGHT I'M NOT GOING
TO MAKE IT, TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: IS THIS THE FIRST
THING ARE YOU DOING HERE IN THE STATES.
>> JUST ABOUT. >> Stephen: JUST ABOUT, THAT
MEANS IT ISN'T. >> NO NO I MEAN BE I DID SOME
THINGS YESTERDAY S THAT OKAY. >> Stephen: OKAY, I MEAN THERE
IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW SO I GUESS I HAVE TO SAY THAT'S
FINE. CUZ I'M THE HOST.
AND YOU'RE THE GUEST AND IT WOULD SEEM RUDE IF I GOT UPSET.
>> I AM JUST TRAMPLING. >> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME ON FALTON.
EASY A GREAT GUY, A LOVE HIM, JUST WANT TO KNOW.
HOW ABOUT NEW YORK SPECIFICALLY, DO YOU LIKE THE BIG APPLE?
>> I DO. NO, NO.
>> Stephen:S THAT OWE OKAY. >> THAT WAS VERY RUDE FOR ME TO
HESITATE. NO, WHAT I MEAN IS I THINK NEW
YORK, YOU WOULD AGREE WITH THIS I'M SURE, THAT NEW YORK IS MORE
ENJOYABLE IF YOU SEE IT WITH A NEW YORKER.
IF YOU COME ON YOUR OWN AS I HAVE DONE AND IT FEELS, IT CAN
BE INTIMIDATING. >> Stephen: VERY INTIMIDATING.
>> AND IT FEELS TO ME LIKE THERE ARE FIVE MILLION PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY AND THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED TO.
THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. >> Stephen: AND THEY ARE ALL
ON THEIR WAY TO IT. >> AND THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY AND
THEY'RE LATE AND SHOW ST MY FAULT THAT THEY ARE LATE.
AND THEY'RE JUST SO FURIOUS WITH ME.
>> Stephen: AND LONDON IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
NO ONE GETS FURIOUS WHEN ARE YOU WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SIDEWALK OR ANYTHING. >> I DON'T THINK-- IT'S NOT
MOVING AT THE SAME PACE AS NEW YORK.
IS AND THE BUILDINGS AREN'T AS BIG.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT. >> SO YOU DON'T FEEL AS SMALL IN
LONDON, RELATIVELY. TO FIVE STORY BUILDINGS, THAT IS
THE SCALE I'M USED TO. YOU COME TO AN 80 STORY BUILDING
AND YOU FEEL LIKE A LITTLE TINY PERSON.
THAT REVEALS SOME WEIRD STUFF ABOUT ME, I KNOW.
>> Stephen: WE'LL GET INTO THAT IN THE NEXT SESSION.
I THINK WE MADE SOME REALLY GOOD PROGRESS TODAY AND LET'S JUST
FOLLOW THAT FEELING THE NEXT TIME WE'RE TOGETHER, OKAY?
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. HUGH LAURIE,
EVERYBODY, STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY EVERYBODY WE'RE BACK WITH THE DIRECTEDDER
AND STAR OF WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS ON BRITBOX MR. HUGH
LAURIE, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THERE SERIES AVAILABLE HERE IN
THE STATES ON BRITBOX. AND I ALREADY HAVE BRITBOX, I
ALREADY KNOW BRITBOX BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO A WILD ANGLOP FILE,
SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES YOU BRIT, AND YOU HAVE ADAPTED, DIRECTED
AND STARRED IN A NEW MINI SERIES CALLED WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS
FROM THE 1934ING AATEA CHRISTIE NOVEL.
HAVE I NEVER READ THIS NOVEL. >> GOOD.
>> WHY IS THAT. >> IT IS GOOD BECAUSE THE STORY
WILL-- WITNESSES TRUES TO NOVEL. >> IS THIS A LONG TIME LOVE OF
YOURS? >> IT SAY LONG TIME LOVE THERE
IS THE CENTRAL-- THIS IS WHATTING AATEA CHRISTIE DID
BETTER, THE MYSTERY PLOLT, I STILL THINK IS ONE THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THINGS T MAKES YOU SHIVER EVEN NOW REMEMBERING THE
FIRST TIME I READ IT I MEAN WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNGZ.
>> Stephen: ABOUT HOW OLD. >> WELL, PEOPLE ALWAYS LIKE TO
BOAST ABOUT HOW YOUNG THEY WERE HOW PRECOCIOUS THEY WERE.
I WAS FOUR. >> Stephen: YOU WENT TO
CAMBRIDGE. >> LATE FOUR.
AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. AND THIS CENTRAL MYSTERY SO
BEAUTIFULLY REVEALED, SO BEAUTIFULLY WORKED OUT BUT I
ALSO FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MAIN, ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, THE
CHARACTER FRANKIE PLAYED BY LUCY WHO WAS MY FIRST SORT OF CRUSH
REALLY AS A YOUNG LAD I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FICTIONAL
CHARACTER. >> GREAT CHARACTER, WONDERFUL
ACTRESS PLAYING. >> AND THE SHOW IS JUST, I MEAN,
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE IT PROPER-- IF STAY GREAT MYSTERY,
MYSTERY STRKS FUNNY, IT IS CHARMING T IS JUST AN ABSOLUTE
DELIGHT. I WATCHED ONE EPISODE, ONLY
THREE. I SAVED IT BECAUSE I WANT TO
WATCH THE REST WITH EVVIE BECAUSE AGAIN SHE IS WEAK FOR
YOU PEOPLE FSM HI A BRITISH ACCENTOR, WOULDN'T THAN LOVELY.
IT WOULD BE LIKE ME HAVING ABS, THAT IS HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU
PEOPLE. >> YEAH, NOW WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE, A MURDER MYSTERY IT CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING IN
THIS CLIP. >> ARE YOU IN THIS CLIP.
>> AM I? >> YES.
>> EXCELLENT. >> YES, THIS IS WHERE LUCY
BOYNTON HER CHARACTER FRANKIE HAS-- INTO THE HOUSE ENVAG ELED
HERSELF. >> Stephen: WHAT.
>> ENVAGELED HERSELF, WE WILL WORK ON THAT IN LESS ON THREE.
SHE HAS TALKED HER WAY IN TO THE HOUSEHOLD AS OF THE PRINCIPAL
SUSPECT AND THIS VERY SINNISTER CHARACTER WHO IS ACTUALLY A
PSYCHIATRIST TURNS UP, PLAYED BY WELL I WAS ALL THEY COULD GET SO
PLAYED BY ME. THIS IS THE CHARACTER WHO PLEDLY
HAS SUSPICIONS ABOUT HER WHAT SHE IS DOING THERE AND WHY, HE
SMELLS A RAT. AND THAT'S JUST IT.
>> JIM ENVAGEL US. >> FRANKIE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO
MEET-- NICHOLSON AND THIS IS DR. NICHOLSON.
>> HOW DO YOU DO, I HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU.
>> AND I YOU? >> REALLY?
YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED, YOUR ACCIDENT CAUSED QUITE A STIR IN
THE VILLAGE. >> OH.
PERHAPS BECAUSE IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT
(APPLAUSE). >> Stephen: VERY TENSE.
WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK
HUGH ABOUT 57 PIECES OF MAIL THAT HE SENTS ME.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH NATIONAL
TREASURE HUGH LAURIE. HUGH.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: LET'S GET DOWN TO
BRASS TACKS HERE, THE REASON I HAVE YOU HERE IS BECAUSE IN
CHRISTMAS 20 IS OF, THAT YEAR IN 2016 YOU CAME ON TO ONE OF OUR
LIVE ELECTION SHOWS AND YOU WERE LOVELY, WONDERFUL GUEST, I WAS
VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, SO I GAVE YOU A PRESENT AND THE NEXT TIME
WERE YOU ON I TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THAT PRESENT AND WE HAVE A
CLIP HERE OF ME TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT.
>> I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU CAME BECAUSE DOING THESE SHOWS LIVE
IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN RIGHT RADIO FLOW, MUCH GREATER
PRESSURE. I NOTICED THAT AFTERNOON YOU
WERE DRIVING AROUND ON THE STAGE, WHEN YOU WERE HERE IN THE
AFTERNOON, A LITTLE NINE BOT SEGUE THAT I HAVE.
AND I, WAS SO GRATEFUL THAT I SENT YOU ONE OF THESE FOR
CHRISTMAS THAT YEAR. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU EVER GOT IT
BECAUSE I NEVER GOT A THANK YOU NOTE AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, I
KNOW YOU GOT IT BECAUSE I GOT THE NOTICE THAT IT HAD BEEN
DELIVERED, THAT IS YOU, HUGH LAURIE DOWN HERE BEVERLY HILLS
AND UP HERE IT SAYS YEAH, YEAH, GOOD NEWS, IT HAS BEEN
DELIVERED. SO I GOT YOU A PRESENT THIS YEAR
A LITTLE EARLY. IT'S STATIONARY SO CLEARLY MI A
JERK FOR CALLING YOU OUT ON THAT WHEN YOU WERE HERE, NO, CLEARLY
MI. >> NOT AT ALL.
>> Stephen: BUT ONE OF THE FAVORITE THINGS THAT EVER
HAPPENED IN HUMAN HISTORY IS THAT I GAVE YOU THAT ACTUAL
STATION AEROAND WHAT NO ONE KNOWS IS THAT THAT NEXT WEEK AND
ALMOST TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS YOU SENT
ME THANK YOU NOTES. >> I DID.
(APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: WE COUNTED IT, 57 THANK YOU NOTES IN ALL.
THEY'RE NOT LONG. SOME OF THEM ARE JUST, MOST OF
THEM ARE JUST ONE SENTENCE AND I HAVE THEM ALL RIGHT HERE.
AND THEY TELL A LITTLE STORY. I I WAS HOPING WOULD YOU DO US
THE FAVOR OF READING THE THANK YOU NOTES TO US AND JUST, FOR
JUST DEAR STEFEN AND JUST THE MESSAGE, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS. >> YES.
>> Stephen: SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A DRAMATIC
RECITATION BY HUGH LAURIE OF THE 57 THANK YOU NOTES.
THAT I RECEIVED. MAESTRO, ACTION.
>> DEAR STEPHEN, THANK YOU FOR MY SEGUE, IT IS PERFECT FOR
WRITING A THANK YOU ON. WITH EYE CLIP, THANK YOU FOR MY
THANK YOU CARDS. THEY ARE PERFECT FOR WRITING
THANK YOU ON. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON THE
LATE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR HAVING THE LATE
SHOW. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING ELSE.
THANK YOU FOR READING THESE CARDS.
THANKING THE HELL OUT OF YOU. I HOPE THIS FINDS YOU WELL.
I AM WELL. >> Stephen: AND NOW THE CARDS
CHANGE, WE ARE OUT OF THE STATION AEROI GAVE YOU AND WE
MOVED ON TO NEW STATION AERO. >> I AM WELL APART FROM A SLIGHT
HEADACHE. IT'S GONE NOW.
IS THIS ANNOYING YET? I HOPED IT WOULDN'T GET ANNOYING
UNTIL THE SUMMER. ADVICE.
SHALL I GET THE BLUE OR THE GREEN?
I DIDN'T HEAR BACK SO I GOT BOTH.
(LAUGHTER) >> I DON'T LIKE THESE CARDS AS
MUCH. BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FROM YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THAT VERY FUNNY BIT.
THANK YOU FOR THIS NEW OF MORNING, I'M STILL THANKING YOU.
I KNOW THIS STOPPED BEING A FUNNY AWHILE BACK.
BUT I THOUGHT IF I KEEP GOING IT MIGHT GET FUNNY AGAIN.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF CONSULTING A LAWYER?
I AM THINKING OF YOU RIGHT NOW. I HAVE A PAIN IN MY KNEE TODAY.
MY ACCOUNTANT THINKS THESE CARDS MIGHT BE DEDUCTIBLE.
I TOLD HIM I DON'T WANT TO DEDUCT MY THANKS.
I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IT ALL FOR.
OH SURE, YOU MAY SAY TO BUILD A BETTER WORLD, REALLY?
>> I'M LOSING MY MIND. >> IF I SUDDENLY STOP WRITING
WILL YOU WORRY? THANK YOU.
LET NOT THE SWORD SLEEP IN YOUR HAND AND THANKS.
MY ELBOW HURTS. NOT FROM WRITING TO YOU BUT I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO DAYTON. THE DOCTOR SAYS IT IS TENNIS
ELBOW. I SAID BETTER CALL IT CARD
WRITING ELBOW. HE LAUGHED.
WHY TENNIS THOUGH, WHY NOT BULL FIGHTERS ELBOW OR STUMPMAN'S
ELBOW. GRACIAS.
I THINK CAN I HEAR A NOISE OUTSIDE.
PROBABLY NOTHING. I'M STARTING TO WONDER ABOUT
LIFE. MY LIFE.
IS SEAN HANNITY A HAPPY MAN? (LAUGHTER)
HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN PEOPLE SPELL YOUR NAME WITH A "V."
ANNOYED, I BET. ALTHOUGH IT'S A BIT QUICKER, I
SUPPOSE. THANK YOU FOR THE MOON AND
STARS. WHAT IS GOING ON.
I'M GOING ON VACATION. HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF THIS
YET? >> THERE IT IS AGAIN.
HOLD ON, I THINK THERE IS SOMEONE ON THE ROOF.
THERE WAS. NOW HE'S IN THE HOUSE.
ASKING FOR VALUABLE. I DON'T HAVE ANY VALUABLES.
WHAT WHAT SHALL I TELL HIM. THANK GOODNESS I'M A CARD
WRITING BECAUSE I HAVE DUCT TAPE ON MY MOUTH.
(LAUGHTER) HE SAYS HAVE I TO GET IN THE
VAN. I AM CHAINED TO A BED FRAME.
I NOW BELONG TO THE PEOPLE'S REVOLUTIONARY FRONT.
I DON'T MEAN-- I DON'T MEAN I AGREE WITH THEIR VIEWS BUT MI
NOW THEIR PROPERTY. THE FOOD IS OKAY IF MONOTONOUS.
THEY'RE ASKING FOR $15 MILLION. KICK STARTER?
>> Stephen: THE GREATEST THANK YOU, THE GREATEST THANK YOU OF
ALL TIME. HUGH LAURIE, WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK
EVANS IS AVAILABLE NOW ON THE BRITBOX STREAMING SERVICE.
HUGHLAURIE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY IDLES.
>> Stephen: THEY ARE PLAYING COACHELLA TOMORROW.
PERFORMING "CRAWL" FROM THEIR ALBUM,
"CRAWLER," IDLES!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SO ALIVE, SOME WAY UP SO TIRED, SOME LAY UP
♪ I A BLEEDER, OH, I YEARN HIGH SEER, SO K UP
♪ HOLD THE PHONE, PUT THE CALL IN
♪ DON'T GO, I'M FALLING FOR A BORE, APPALLING
♪ I'M SO, SO FOREIGN ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ "DAMN, I'M FEELING GOOD!" SAID THE LIAR TO THE
♪ CONGREGATION AND I KNOW I'M NOT WHAT I SHOULD
♪ THAT'S WHY I'M SMASHING MY PRETTY FACE IN
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ AND YEAH,
I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN ♪ 'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE GOD TO ME
AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER ♪ CRAWLING HURTS,
BUT IT WORKS FOR ME ♪ I'M ALRIGHT! I'M ALRIGHT!
I'M ALRIGHT! I'M ALRIGHT! ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ SO PURE, SO HEATER SO SURE, SO BEAT UP
♪ SO I, SO WAY UP SO FAR, SEVEN SEATER
♪ OH NO, I'M THE SLEEPER NO GO, LONG TEETHER
♪ BLIND FOLD, GOLD SEEKER I'M TOLD, OLD FEEDER
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ "DAMN, I'M FEELING GOOD!"
SAID THE LIAR TO THE ♪ CONGREGATION
AND I KNOW I'M NOT WHAT I SHOULD ♪ THAT'S WHY I'M SMASHING MY
PRETTY FACE IN ♪ AND YEAH,
I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN ♪ 'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE GOD TO ME
AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER ♪ CRAWLING HURTS,
BUT IT WORKS FOR ME ♪ I'M ALRIGHT!
I'M ALRIGHT! ♪ I'M ALRIGHT!
I'M ALRIGHT! ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'M ON THE WAY
I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD ♪ BUT I CANNOT WAIT
I RIDE THE WAVE ♪ NO REST FOR THE LAMB
AS HE GOES ALL DAY ♪ I RIDE THE WAVE
NO REST FOR THE LAMB ♪ AS HE GOES ALL DAY
I'M ON THE WAY ♪ I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD
BUT I CANNOT WAIT ♪ I RIDE THE WAVE
I RIDE THE WAVE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ AND YEAH, I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN
♪ 'CAUSE IT FELT LIKE GOD TO ME AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER
♪ CRAWLING HURTS, BUT IT WORKS FOR ME
♪ I'M ALRIGHT! I'M ALRIGHT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE
I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE ♪
>> Stephen: IDLES, EVERYBODY!
GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW.
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE JOSH BROLIN.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOODNIGHT.