1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:06,639 OFFERED TO FULLY BUY TWITTER. MUSK SAYS THAT SOCIAL MEDIA 2 00:00:06,706 --> 00:00:11,411 GIANTS NEEDS TO GO PRIVATE SO IT CAN BETTER SERVE FREE SPEECH. 3 00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:14,814 >> HE SAYS HE WANTS TO PAY $54.20 A SHARE, OF COURSE 54.20, 4 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:18,918 THAT IS 4 TO IS A CODE FOR MARIJUANA. 5 00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:21,755 >> AND HE IS ALSO RUNNING SPACE DPRKS. 6 00:00:21,821 --> 00:00:26,126 >> AT SPACEX WE'RE ON A MISSION TO SEND HUMANKIND TO MARS. 7 00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:31,731 MANY STILL FEEL RELUCTANT ABOUT INTERPLANETARY TRAVEL BUT OUR 8 00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:34,534 FOUNDER ELON MUSK HAS AN IDEA TO CHANGE THAT. 9 00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:38,304 MAKE EARTH REALLY BAD. MENT YOU SEE, RIGHT NOW EARTH IS 10 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,240 PRETTY GOOD. THERE ARE DOGS. 11 00:00:40,306 --> 00:00:44,244 PANCAKES, EVEN A FEW TREES LEFT. IT IS CERTAINLY BETTER THAN 12 00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:50,417 LIVING IN A JOYLESS BUBBLE EATING POTATOE GROWN IN MATT 13 00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:54,354 DAMON'S POOP, BUR CHANGE MOST POPULAR SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM 14 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,256 CONTROLLED BY A GUY WHO TWEETS STUFF LIKE THIS. 15 00:00:56,322 --> 00:01:00,326 >> I PUT THE ART IN FARF. JACK IN THE BECOMES SHOULD DO 16 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:07,300 DOUBLE DUTY AS A SPERM DONOR, AND 69 DAYS AFTER 420 AGAIN, HA 17 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:11,271 HA, WILL YOU SAY MY GOD, GET ME THE HELL OFF THIS ROCK. 18 00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:14,441 TWITTER EXECUTIVES, FOLLOW THE URGE THAT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE 19 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:19,712 AND GIVE ELON THE BIRD. THIS AD PAID FOR BY SPACEX WHERE 20 00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:25,752 OUR MOTTO IS 58008 UPSIDE DOWN IS BOOBS, HA HA. 21 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:35,528 >> IT'S THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. 22 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:42,702 TONIGHT, THANK YOU-- AND STEPHEN WELCOMES HUGH LAURIE. 23 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:51,945 AND MUSICAL GUESTS IDOLS. FEATURES JON BATISTE AND STAY 24 00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:55,048 HUMAN. AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE 25 00:01:55,114 --> 00:02:04,290 ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT. 26 00:02:04,357 --> 00:02:19,172 . >> THERE YOU GO. 27 00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:30,350 THANKS, EVERYBODY, WELCOME ONE 28 00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:35,555 AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, DOWN THERE, TO THE LATE SHOW. 29 00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:42,262 I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 30 00:02:42,328 --> 00:02:46,699 IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL DAY HERE IN NEW YORK. 31 00:02:46,766 --> 00:02:48,768 AND FOLKS, THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS RESTED A BIT EASIER LAST 32 00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:52,238 NIGHT, BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE N.Y.P.D. ARRESTED SUBWAY SHOOTER 33 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:59,245 SUSPECT FRANK JAMES AFTER IT GOT 34 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:01,814 , FEELS NICE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO 35 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:03,716 WORRY ABOUT YOUR KIDS ON THE SUBWAY. 36 00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:05,285 THEY ARRESTED HIM AFTER THEY GOT A TIP ON ITS CRIME STOPPERS 37 00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,220 HOTLINE. YOU KNOW THE NUMBER! 38 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:12,258 S S S S 800-588-2300 39 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:16,229 S CRIME STOOOOP. THAT IS NOT THE NUMBER. 40 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:20,233 WHOEVER MADE THE CALL IS A HERO, WHO STANDS TO RECEIVE UP TO 41 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:24,237 $50,000 IN REWARD MONEY. UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS UNCLEAR 42 00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:26,973 WHO ALERTED THE POLICE, BECAUSE THERE WERE SCORES OF 43 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,741 CALLS, AND AN ARRAY OF PEOPLE TOOK CREDIT FOR TURNING 44 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:32,812 HIM IN. PLUS, TO COLLECT THE REWARD, YOU 45 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,982 HAD TO BE THE 19TH CALLER, AND SAY THE PHRASE THAT PAYS, 46 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,584 "CRIME STOPPERS IS NEW YORK'S NUMBER ONE CRIME-STOPPING 47 00:03:37,650 --> 00:03:38,952 HOTLINE. STOPPING CRIMES FROM THE 80'S, 48 00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:47,594 90'S, AND TODAY! BA-BA-BOOEY!" 49 00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:50,430 ONE PERSON CLAIMING TO HAVE DROPPED A DIME ON JAMES IS 50 00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:54,667 21-YEAR-OLD ZACH TAHHAN, A SECURITY CAMERA TECHNICIAN, WHO 51 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,436 WAS WORKING IN A STORE NEARBY WHEN 52 00:03:56,502 --> 00:04:00,239 HE SAW JAMES THROUGH ONE OF THE SECURITY CAMERAS. 53 00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:04,277 HEAR THAT, M.T.A.? CAMERAS WORK SO MUCH BETTER WHEN 54 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:10,516 THEY WORK. 55 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:15,788 AT ALL. 800-588--- NOW 56 00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:20,226 TAHHAN, A SYRIAN IMMIGRANT OBSERVING RAMADAN, BECAME A 57 00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:24,263 SOCIAL MEDIA SENSATION LAST NIGHT WITH HIS EXPLANATION OF 58 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:39,212 >> - YEAH, HE'S JUST 59 00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:42,248 >> - YEAH, HE'S JUST 60 00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:45,051 TASTING, MAKES YOU A LITTLE LOOPY WHEN ARE YOU TASTING. 61 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:49,322 >> HE HAD TO MAKE THAT CLEAR, BECAUSE HE WAS STANDING 62 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:54,360 IN FRONT OF A SIGN THAT SAID "NEED CANNABIS DELIVERED?" 63 00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,829 AFTER THIS WEEK? YES. 64 00:04:56,896 --> 00:05:01,034 SEVERAL OTHERS HAVE CLAIMED RESPONSIBILITY, AND TO 65 00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:03,503 COMPLICATE THE SITUATION EVEN FURTHER, LAW ENFORCEMENT 66 00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:08,274 OFFICIALS HAVE SAID THAT JAMES HIMSELF MAY HAVE CALLED 67 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:11,277 THE TIP LINE. THAT IS GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD 68 00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:13,346 "MR. JAMES, HERE'S A KEY TO THE CITY, 69 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:17,350 A CHECK FOR $50,000, AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS. 70 00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:24,323 QUICK, TAKE HIS KEY!" SO NEW YORKERS, YOU CAN REST 71 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,458 EASY AND RETURN TO THE SUBWAY. IT'S JUST AS SAFE AND 72 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:32,331 CLEAN AS YOU REMEMBER. SPEAKING OF FIGHTIN' BAD GUYS, 73 00:05:32,398 --> 00:05:37,336 THE UKRAINIAN MILITARY ANNOUNCED THAT A RUSSIAN WARSHIP HAS BEEN 74 00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:44,510 'SERIOUSLY DAMAGED' IN THE BLACK SEA AFTER UKRAINIAN FORCES 75 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:49,348 STRUCK THE SHIP WITH ANTI-SHIP NEPTUNE MISSILES. 76 00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:51,517 I'M SURPRISED THEY'RE CALLED "NEPTUNE" MISSILES. 77 00:05:51,584 --> 00:06:05,465 BECAUSE RUSSIA, UKRAINE'S KICKING "URANUS." 78 00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:08,835 AT FIRST, RUSSIA DOWNPLAYED THE DAMAGE TO THE VESSEL, BUT LATE 79 00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,069 THIS AFTERNOON, THE KREMLIN'S MILITARY SPOKESMAN RELEASED THIS 80 00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:17,343 >> YOU SANK MY BATTLESHIP! 81 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:20,012 >> AND IT'S TRUE! TODAY, RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA CONFIRMED 82 00:06:20,079 --> 00:06:23,616 THAT THE WARSHIP MOSKVA HAD SUNK. 83 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:26,385 OF COURSE, SINCE IT'S RUSSIAN STATE MEDIA, THEY HAD TO SPIN IT 84 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:33,359 TO DE-NAZIFY BIKINI BOTTOM AND FINALLY GET 85 00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:45,338 SECRET TO KRABBY PATTY!" OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE 86 00:06:45,404 --> 00:06:49,342 -- I HAVE A REALLY DRIFTING RUSSIAN ACCENTS T GETS ITALIAN 87 00:06:49,408 --> 00:06:51,477 VERY QUICKLY. OF COURSE, RUSSIA CLAIMS THE 88 00:06:51,544 --> 00:06:53,312 GOAL OF THEIR INVASION WAS TO PREVENT THE EASTWARD 89 00:06:53,379 --> 00:06:56,415 EXPANSION OF NATO, BUT THE ATTEMPT TO INTIMIDATE THEIR 90 00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:58,818 NEIGHBORS SEEMS TO HAVE BACKFIRED, BECAUSE NOW 91 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:06,592 SWEDEN AND FINLAND ARE MAKING MOVES TO JOIN NATO. 92 00:07:06,659 --> 00:07:09,529 THIS IS HUGE NEWS. NO ONE THOUGHT. 93 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,964 IT COULD BE THE MOST SHOCKING NORDIC ALLIANCE SINCE BLACK 94 00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:13,399 LICORICE JOINED FORCES WITH SALT. 95 00:07:13,466 --> 00:07:15,535 IS IT CANDY OR A DIRTY SNOW TIRE?! 96 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:19,539 PICK A LANE! YESTERDAY, THE SWEDISH AND 97 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,574 FINNISH PRIME MINISTERS HELD A JOINT PRESS CONFERENCE, 98 00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:25,344 WHERE FINNISH PRIME MINISTER SANAA MARINE SAID, 99 00:07:25,411 --> 00:07:29,148 FINLAND WAS READY TO MAKE A DECISION ON JOINING NATO "WITHIN 100 00:07:29,215 --> 00:07:31,517 WEEKS." WELL, THEY HAVE TO. 101 00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:35,154 THEIR COUPON IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE! 102 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,323 REFER A FRIEND, GET ONE MONTH OF NATO FREE WITH PROMO CODE 103 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:45,631 "SUCK IT, PUTIN." . 104 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:51,470 >> YEAH, HELL YEAH. OVER THE WEEKEND, MARINE 105 00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,272 EXPLAINED, "RUSSIA IS NOT THE NEIGHBOR WE THOUGHT IT 106 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:57,343 WAS." WHAT NEIGHBOR DID YOU THINK IT 107 00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,345 WAS? JUST LISTEN TO RUSSIA'S STATE 108 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:09,522 WE BOMB YOUR HOUSE." THE MOVE IS RISKY, AS RUSSIA HAS 109 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,625 REPEATEDLY WARNED FINLAND AGAINST JOINING NATO, 110 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:15,528 THREATENING SERIOUS MILITARY AND POLITICAL 111 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,898 CONSEQUENCES. OH, DAMN. 112 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,934 THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT WHEN I WISHED THIS WAR WOULD "FINISH"! 113 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:29,075 DAMN YOU, CURSED MONKEY'S PAW! DAMN YOU, CURSED. 114 00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,644 MONKEY PAW. SWEDEN IS EXPECTED TO JOIN NATO 115 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,412 TOO, IF ONLY TO KEEP RUSSIANS FROM SEIZING THEIR STRATEGIC 116 00:08:33,479 --> 00:08:39,518 RESERVE OF SKARSGARDS. NONE OF THIS HAS STOPPED RUSSIAN 117 00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:44,090 OFFICIALS FROM ISSUING THREATS. TAKE DEPUTY CHAIRMAN OF RUSSIA'S 118 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:49,328 SECURITY COUNCIL, AND CHEF DECLARING "THAT'S A SPICY-A 119 00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:53,332 TURNIP," DMITRY MEDVEDEV. MEDVEDEV, WHO USED TO BE THE 120 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:55,568 RUSSIAN PRIME MINISTER AND PRESIDENT BEFORE DOING 121 00:08:55,635 --> 00:09:00,640 WHATEVER THE HELL HIS "NEW" NO-SHOW JOB IS, WROTE A POST ON 122 00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,509 TELEGRAM IN WHICH HE THREATENED RUSSIA WOULD BUILD UP NUCLEAR 123 00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:08,547 FORCES IN THE BALTIC SEA REGION IF SWEDEN AND FINLAND JOIN NATO. 124 00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:11,717 ONE PROBLEM, ACCORDING TO THE LITHUANIAN DEFENSE MINISTER, 125 00:09:11,784 --> 00:09:16,522 RUSSIA ALREADY HAS NUCLEAR WEAPONS IN THE BALTIC REGION. 126 00:09:16,589 --> 00:09:18,824 OK, YOU CAN'T THREATEN TO DO WHAT YOU'RE ALREADY DOING. 127 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:21,294 THAT'S LIKE SENDING A RANSOM NOTE THAT SAYS, 128 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:35,508 SEND US ONE MILLION DOLLARS OR WE WILL CUT UP YOUR MAGAZINE! 129 00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:36,442 THE WHOLE WORLD HAS TURNED 130 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,577 AGAINST RUSSIA. INCLUDING THE REPUBLIC OF 131 00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,146 NETFLIX, WHICH SUSPENDED SERVICE THERE LAST MONTH. 132 00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:45,451 NOW, RUSSIAN NETFLIX SUBSCRIBERS LAUNCHED A CLASS 133 00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:46,652 ACTION LAWSUIT FOR LOSS OF SERVICE. 134 00:09:46,719 --> 00:09:49,355 THEN, AFTER A FEW HOURS, A SCREEN POPPED UP SAYING 135 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:53,292 "ARE YOU STILL SUING?" AND THEY HAD TO CLICK "YES." 136 00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:57,263 IT'S NOT JUST THE VIEWERS WHO ARE MAD. 137 00:09:57,330 --> 00:10:01,000 BECAUSE NETFLIX ALSO HALTED THE DEVELOPMENT AND ACQUISITION OF 138 00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,536 ALL RUSSIAN-MADE TV SHOWS AND FILMS. 139 00:10:03,602 --> 00:10:12,945 THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE -- SURE, IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO 140 00:10:13,012 --> 00:10:14,180 DO. BUT 141 00:10:14,246 --> 00:10:14,780 THAT'S ROUGH NEWS FOR ANYONE EXCITED ABOUT THE NEW SEASON OF 142 00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:15,915 BRIDGERTATO. 143 00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,750 THE VISCOUNT'S SEXY BUTT? 144 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:29,028 NICE, NICE, LITTLE BUTTER, LITTLE SOUR CREAM. 145 00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:32,798 COUPLE OF BACON BITS. YOU GOT IT, BABY. 146 00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:37,103 SPRING IS HERE, THE SUN IS OUT, THE FLOWERS ARE UP, THERE'S A 147 00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:39,538 SPECIAL SOMETHING IN THE AIR. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S COVID. 148 00:10:39,605 --> 00:10:45,344 BECAUSE CASES HAVE BEEN GOING UP ON THE EAST COAST, AND TWO NEW 149 00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:49,048 OMICRON SUBVARIANTS ARE SPREADING QUICKLY IN NEW YORK. 150 00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:51,484 SCIENTISTS AREN'T SURE HOW THEY'RE SPREADING THROUGH 151 00:10:51,550 --> 00:10:59,125 MANHATTAN SO FAST, BUT THEY SUSPECT CITIBIKES. 152 00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:03,195 THESE VARIANTS AREN'T YOUR GRANDPA'S OMICRON. 153 00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:09,335 THEY'RE SUB-SUBVARIANTS OF THE BA.2 SUBVARIANT, 154 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,138 BA.2.12 and BA.2.12.1 C'MON, SCIENTISTS. 155 00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,141 CAN'T YOU BE MORE CREATIVE THAN LETTERS AND NUMBERS? 156 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:17,309 PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THESE VARIANTS MORE SERIOUSLY IF YOU GAVE 'EM 157 00:11:17,376 --> 00:11:21,347 COOL NAMES LIKE, "BIG BAD GREG." 158 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,249 "NO GOOD GRETCHEN." "SORRY, I CAN'T COME TO DINNER. 159 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:29,321 I'M LAID UP IN BED WITH "BIG BAD GREG"." 160 00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:33,359 BIG BAD GREG, THAT IS HARD TO SAY. 161 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:34,860 . >> THAT'S OKAY. 162 00:11:34,927 --> 00:11:39,031 THE YOU ARE TOO KIND, THAT IS REALLY TOO NICE. 163 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,800 THE NEW VARIANTS ARE THE MOST HIGHLY-TRANSMISSIBLE 164 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:44,403 STRAINS OF COVID IDENTIFIED TO DATE. 165 00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:48,974 HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP GETTING MORE TRANSMISSIBLE THAN THE MOST 166 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:51,510 TRANSMISSIBLE VIRUS OF ALL TIME? THIS IS LIKE WHEN WE WERE 167 00:11:51,577 --> 00:11:58,117 TOLD THE MOST EXTREME OREO WAS S DOUBLE STUFF BUT THEN MUTATED 168 00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,418 TO "MEGA STUF," AND NOW WE'RE UP TO 169 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,353 "MOST STUF." NEXT, THEY'RE JUST GONNA LOWER US HEAD-FIRST INTO 170 00:12:01,420 --> 00:12:09,328 "STUF!" --" THAT FIGHTS COVID, THAT IS E 171 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:14,567 OF THE TREATMENTS. OH, THIS IS SOMETHING. 172 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,235 THERE'S NEWS ABOUT TESLA BILLIONAIRE AND GROOM GIVING THE 173 00:12:16,302 --> 00:12:19,605 WORST POSSIBLE "I DO," ELON MUSK. 174 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:21,340 A WEEK AGO, MUSK BECAME TWITTER'S LARGEST 175 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:25,311 SHAREHOLDER, AFTER BUYING $2.89 BILLION WORTH OF THE 176 00:12:25,377 --> 00:12:27,379 COMPANY. OK. 177 00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:31,717 DID NO ONE TELL HIM YOU CAN READ ALL THE TWEETS FOR FREE? 178 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,786 AFTER HIS BIG INVESTMENT, HE SPENT THE WEEK SITTING DOWN WITH 179 00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:37,556 EXPERTS TO PLAN A LONGTERM BUSINESS STRATEGY, BY WHICH I 180 00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:45,097 MEAN HE POSTED A BUNCH OF TROLL-Y NONSENSE, 181 00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:46,298 "TWITTER'S NEXT BOARD MEETING IS GONNA BE LIT", 182 00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:49,235 AND A POLL SUGGESTING THEY CHANGE THE NAME TO 183 00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:51,537 "TITTER." ONE OF THE GREATEST INNOVATORS 184 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,405 OF OUR TIME, FOLKS! IT'S LIKE WHEN THOMAS EDISON 185 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:56,075 DEBUTED HIS MARVELOUS INCANDESCENT 186 00:12:56,142 --> 00:13:08,821 "LIGHT BOOB." 187 00:13:08,888 --> 00:13:12,424 BUT THAT STOCK PURCHASE WASN'T ENOUGH FOR THE MUSK MAN. 188 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:15,528 BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, MUSK OFFERED TO BUY TWITTER FOR 189 00:13:15,594 --> 00:13:21,300 $43 BILLION IN CASH. OH MY GOD. 190 00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:25,304 YOU COULD DO SO MUCH WITH THAT ADDRESS WORLD HUNGER, FIX 191 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:32,578 CLIMATE CHANGE, GET A DECENT HAIR CUT. 192 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,880 IN A STATEMENT, MUSK SAID THAT HE'S DECIDED HIS INITIAL 193 00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,349 INVESTMENT WASN'T ENOUGH AND NOW BELIEVES "TWITTER NEEDS TO 194 00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:39,451 BE TRANSFORMED AS A PRIVATE COMPANY" AND THAT HIS GOAL IS TO 195 00:13:39,518 --> 00:13:43,923 MAKE TWITTER "THE PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH AROUND THE 196 00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,724 GLOBE." HEY, DING-A-TWITTER IS 197 00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:49,361 ALREADY AN INTERNATIONAL PLATFORM FOR FREE SPEECH! 198 00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:53,065 YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW? BECAUSE NO ONE AT TWITTER 199 00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:55,534 CAN STOP ME FROM TWEETING "SUCK IT, ELON MUSK" IN EVERY 200 00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:58,337 LANGUAGE. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 201 00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:01,273 TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS HUGH THE ONE. 202 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:04,343 THE ONLY, MR. HUGH LAURIE. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, 203 00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:07,780 MEANWHILE! JOIN US, WON'T YOU? 204 00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:54,260 >> JON BATISTE, STAY HUMAN. 205 00:14:54,326 --> 00:15:01,767 OH JON, JON, YOU KNOW, I'M A 206 00:15:01,834 --> 00:15:05,137 LUCKY MAN TO DO THIS SHOW. OBVIOUSLY TO SHARE THE STAGE 207 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:07,606 WITH YOU AND THE BAND AND ALSO TO BE ABLE TO SHARE THE STAGE 208 00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:10,442 WITH SOME OF THE GUESTS WE HAVE HERE TONIGHT. 209 00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:11,710 ALL OF THE GUESTS REALLY BUT SOMETIMES YOU KNOW, LIKE A 210 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:15,281 LITTLE DREAM GUEST COME AS LONG, SOMEONE YOU REALLY LOVE, HUGH 211 00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:19,785 LAURIE IS HERE TONIGHT. HE IS ONE OF MY COMEDIC HEROES. 212 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,655 HE CAN DO IT ALL. HE CAN DO IT ALL. 213 00:15:22,721 --> 00:15:27,559 HE IS HOUSE. HE IS HOUSE. 214 00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:28,794 >> FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME, RIGHT OVER THERE. 215 00:15:28,861 --> 00:15:30,963 CAREFULLY SORTING THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, AND 216 00:15:31,030 --> 00:15:35,301 SELECTING ONLY THE MOST SUPPLE AND UNBLEMISHED OSTRICH 217 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:39,238 AND CROCODILE NEWS LEATHER, WHICH I THEN ENTRUST TO ARTISAN 218 00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:40,906 GRADUATES OF THE "ECOLE GREGOIRE-FERRANDI," WHO 219 00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,242 CAREFULLY DYE THEM IN A PALETTE OF BRIGHT, ZESTY SHADES, AND 220 00:15:43,309 --> 00:15:47,112 ADORN THEM WITH THE FINEST, MOST TOPICAL INLAY WORK USING HAND 221 00:15:47,179 --> 00:15:48,947 TOOLS AND DOUBLE MAGNIFYING GLASSES, THEN ASSEMBLE THEM 222 00:15:49,014 --> 00:15:52,818 ACCORDING TO NOW CLASSIC AND ELEGANT GEOMETRY USING OUR 223 00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:55,354 SIGNATURE SADDLE STITCHING, AND LINE IT WITH BEESWAX-COATED 224 00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:59,825 LINEN, AND FINALLY ATTACH A MALLET-HAMMERED STRAP, PEARLED 225 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,594 HARDWARE, AND A CLOCHETTE TO CREATE FOR YOU THE ONE-OF-A-KIND 226 00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:06,465 HAUTE COUTURE HERMES BIRKIN BAG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 227 00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:16,108 BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLK, 228 00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,911 BUT SOMETIMES I WAKE UP IN THE LAST CAR OF AN ABANDONED ROLLER 229 00:16:18,977 --> 00:16:21,347 COASTER AT CONEY ISLAND, WHERE I'M HIDING FROM THE TRIADS, I 230 00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:25,117 HUFF SOME ENGINE LUBRICANTS OUT OF A SAFEWAY BAG AND STAGGER 231 00:16:25,184 --> 00:16:28,320 DOWN THE SHORE TO TEAR THE SAIL OFF A BEACHED SCHOONER, THEN I 232 00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:31,490 RIP THE CO-AXIAL CABLE OUT OF THE R.V. OF AN ELDERLY COUPLE 233 00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,726 FROM UTAH, HANK AND MABEL, LOVELY FOLKS, AND USE IT TO 234 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:37,262 STITCH THE SAIL INTO A LOOSE, POUCH-LIKE RUCKSACK, THEN I 235 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:40,833 STOW AWAY IN THE BACK OF A GARBAGE TRUCK TO THE JUNK YARD 236 00:16:40,899 --> 00:16:43,469 WHERE I PICK THROUGH THE DEBRIS FOR ONLY THE BROKEN TOYS THAT 237 00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:45,771 MAKE ME THE SADDEST UNTIL I HAVE LOADED, FOR YOU, THE HOBO 238 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:53,345 FUGITIVE'S BUG-OUT BINDLE OF 239 00:16:53,412 --> 00:17:00,552 MEANWHILE! . 240 00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:04,690 >> THAT IS THE ONLY FOOD I NEED. 241 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,526 MEANWHILE, THE LATE SHOW CAN NOT-AT-ALL-EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL 242 00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:09,695 "KIM KARDASHIAN SAYS PETE DAVIDSON TRIED TO GIVE HER HIS 243 00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:13,332 NUMBER WHEN THEY FIRST CONNECTED AT THE MET GALA, BUT 244 00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:17,269 SHE COULDN'T USE HER PHONE BECAUSE OF HER OUTFIT." 245 00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:19,705 I'VE BEEN THERE. IT'S TOUGH TO USE A TOUCH 246 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:25,344 SCREEN WHEN YOU'RE COSPLAYING AS A DEMENTOR. 247 00:17:25,411 --> 00:17:28,947 MEANWHILE, LULULEMON WANTS YOUR USED WORKOUT CLOTHES. 248 00:17:29,014 --> 00:17:31,517 IT'S THE BRAINCHILD OF LULULEMON'S NEW HEAD 249 00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:40,592 CREEPY GUY CREEPY RICK. 250 00:17:40,659 --> 00:17:43,095 MEANWHILE, THANKS TO A BRAND NEW LAW, "TENNESSEE WILL MAKE 251 00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:45,297 IVERMECTIN AVAILABLE WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION." 252 00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:48,834 OK. ALL THOSE PEOPLE 253 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,370 WHO TOOK IVERMECTIN BEFORE HAD A PRESCRIPTION? 254 00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:53,939 FROM WHO? "YES DOCTOR, I HAVE A HEART 255 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,507 CONDITION, WORMS, AND I AM A HORSE. 256 00:17:55,574 --> 00:18:00,813 I KNOW I DON'T LOOK LIKE A HORSE. 257 00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:03,415 THAT'S HOW SICK I AM." IVERMECTIN IS, OF COURSE, A 258 00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:05,317 POPULAR COVID CURE AMONG PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE THAT IT DOESN'T 259 00:18:05,384 --> 00:18:09,288 CURE COVID. AND ONLY ONE REPUBLICAN VOTED NO 260 00:18:09,354 --> 00:18:12,591 SENATOR RICHARD BRIGGS, A 261 00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,693 SURGEON FROM KNOXVILLE, WHO ADMITTED 262 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,296 HE MAY HAVE A "PRO-SCIENCE BIAS." 263 00:18:17,362 --> 00:18:25,504 NO! NO, AHA, NAH-HUH. 264 00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:27,506 FACTS AREN'T BIAS! THAT'S LIKE SAYING, "BASED 265 00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,708 ON THE FLAMES AND SCREAMING, I THINK YOU'RE ON FIRE. 266 00:18:29,775 --> 00:18:33,345 THEN AGAIN, I MAY HAVE A SEEING AND SMELLING BIAS. 267 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:41,053 BUT HEY - DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH." MEANWHILE, SEXY LINGERIE FOR MEN 268 00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,522 IS HERE. UM, EXCUSE ME? 269 00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:49,495 SEXY LINGERIE FOR MEN HAS "BEEN" HERE. 270 00:18:49,561 --> 00:18:53,832 TURNS OUT, DESIGNERS ARE THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOXERS, AND 271 00:18:53,899 --> 00:18:57,870 NOW "LACEY THONGS AND SHEER UNDERGARMENTS DESIGNED FOR MEN'S 272 00:18:57,936 --> 00:19:01,306 BODIES ARE SHAKING UP THE TRADITIONAL LINGERIE MARKET." 273 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:04,810 OKAY, BUT DON'T SHAKE TOO HARD, OR SOMETHING'S GONNA POP OUT OF 274 00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:08,213 THERE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH 275 00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:08,814 LAURIE. 276 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,803 >> HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK. 277 00:19:31,870 --> 00:19:41,947 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN ACTOR, 278 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:46,251 MUSICIAN, AND WRITER YOU KNOW FROM "HOUSE," "THE NIGHT 279 00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:49,054 MANAGER," AND "VEEP." HE HAS JUST ADAPTED AN 280 00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,857 AGATHA CHRISTIE NOVEL, "WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS?", 281 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,158 WHICH HE ALSO DIRECTS AND STARS IN. 282 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:59,264 PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW, HUGH LAURIE! 283 00:20:19,785 --> 00:20:24,356 >> THERE YOU GO. >> THANK YOU. 284 00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:26,024 >> SO NICE TO YOU HAVE BACK. 285 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:27,793 >> IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK. >> WELCOME BACK TO 286 00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:29,394 THE STATES. >> THANK YOU. 287 00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:30,762 >> HOW LONG WERE YOU OVER IN LONDON. 288 00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:35,200 >> WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE, WELL, I HAVE LOST TRACK OF TIME. 289 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,935 I HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG I WAS-- . 290 00:20:37,002 --> 00:20:41,039 >> 20, 20 WAS THE LAST TIME YOU COULD EASILY GET 291 00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:43,709 BACK OVER, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE OF YEARS. 292 00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:45,043 >> YEAH. >> DO YOU ENJOY BEING 293 00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,278 BACK. >> I LOVE IT. 294 00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:50,349 I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT I HAD A VERY TOUGH TIME GETTING BACK IF. 295 00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,051 >> TO THE UNITED STATES. 296 00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:54,119 >> YEAH. >> WHY. 297 00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:57,055 >> GETTING IN HERE. >> WHY ARE WE KEEPING 298 00:20:57,122 --> 00:20:59,291 YOU OUT? >> BECAUSE I HAD NEGLECTED TO 299 00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:06,898 OBSERVE THAT A GREEN CARD IS EXPIRED. 300 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:09,067 I DIDN'T READ T I DIDN'T READ THE SMALL PRINT AND IT EXPIRES 301 00:21:09,134 --> 00:21:12,904 AND THEN I THOUGHT OH, I BETTER GET ANOTHER ONE AND THEY SAID 302 00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:17,275 YEAH, IT WILL TAKE ABOUT A WEEK. AND THREE TO FOUR MONTHS WENT BY 303 00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:21,046 AND I STARTED TO PANIC ABOUT TONIGHT, I THOUGHT I'M NOT GOING 304 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,348 TO MAKE IT, TO SEE YOU. >> IS THIS THE FIRST 305 00:21:23,415 --> 00:21:25,050 THING ARE YOU DOING HERE IN THE STATES. 306 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:29,054 >> JUST ABOUT. >> JUST ABOUT, THAT 307 00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,857 MEANS IT ISN'T. >> NO NO I MEAN BE I DID SOME 308 00:21:31,923 --> 00:21:35,260 THINGS YESTERDAY S THAT OKAY. >> OKAY, I MEAN THERE 309 00:21:35,327 --> 00:21:38,830 IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW SO I GUESS I HAVE TO SAY THAT'S 310 00:21:38,897 --> 00:21:41,066 FINE. CUZ I'M THE HOST. 311 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:46,038 AND YOU'RE THE GUEST AND IT WOULD SEEM RUDE IF I GOT UPSET. 312 00:21:46,104 --> 00:21:51,009 >> I AM JUST TRAMPLING. >> NOT AT ALL. 313 00:21:51,076 --> 00:21:59,317 DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME ON FALTON. 314 00:21:59,384 --> 00:22:02,354 EASY A GREAT GUY, A LOVE HIM, JUST WANT TO KNOW. 315 00:22:02,421 --> 00:22:05,057 HOW ABOUT NEW YORK SPECIFICALLY, DO YOU LIKE THE BIG APPLE? 316 00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:07,559 >> I DO. NO, NO. 317 00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:11,296 >> S THAT OWE OKAY. >> THAT WAS VERY RUDE FOR ME TO 318 00:22:11,363 --> 00:22:14,833 HESITATE. NO, WHAT I MEAN IS I THINK NEW 319 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:18,003 YORK, YOU WOULD AGREE WITH THIS I'M SURE, THAT NEW YORK IS MORE 320 00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:20,972 ENJOYABLE IF YOU SEE IT WITH A NEW YORKER. 321 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:27,079 IF YOU COME ON YOUR OWN AS I HAVE DONE AND IT FEELS, IT CAN 322 00:22:27,145 --> 00:22:28,814 BE INTIMIDATING. >> VERY INTIMIDATING. 323 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,751 >> AND IT FEELS TO ME LIKE THERE ARE FIVE MILLION PEOPLE HAVE 324 00:22:32,818 --> 00:22:35,187 BEEN INVITED TO A PARTY AND THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN INVITED TO. 325 00:22:35,253 --> 00:22:37,756 THAT IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. >> AND THEY ARE ALL 326 00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:40,158 ON THEIR WAY TO IT. >> AND THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY AND 327 00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:44,596 THEY'RE LATE AND SHOW ST MY FAULT THAT THEY ARE LATE. 328 00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:48,200 AND THEY'RE JUST SO FURIOUS WITH ME. 329 00:22:48,266 --> 00:22:51,236 >> AND LONDON IS NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. 330 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:53,438 NO ONE GETS FURIOUS WHEN ARE YOU WALKING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE 331 00:22:53,505 --> 00:22:55,674 SIDEWALK OR ANYTHING. >> I DON'T THINK-- IT'S NOT 332 00:22:55,741 --> 00:22:57,843 MOVING AT THE SAME PACE AS NEW YORK. 333 00:22:57,909 --> 00:22:59,478 IS AND THE BUILDINGS AREN'T AS BIG. 334 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:06,985 >> THAT'S IT. >> SO YOU DON'T FEEL AS SMALL IN 335 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:10,622 LONDON, RELATIVELY. TO FIVE STORY BUILDINGS, THAT IS 336 00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:13,959 THE SCALE I'M USED TO. YOU COME TO AN 80 STORY BUILDING 337 00:23:14,025 --> 00:23:17,195 AND YOU FEEL LIKE A LITTLE TINY PERSON. 338 00:23:17,262 --> 00:23:20,232 THAT REVEALS SOME WEIRD STUFF ABOUT ME, I KNOW. 339 00:23:20,298 --> 00:23:23,135 >> WE'LL GET INTO THAT IN THE NEXT SESSION. 340 00:23:23,201 --> 00:23:27,172 I THINK WE MADE SOME REALLY GOOD PROGRESS TODAY AND LET'S JUST 341 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:30,642 FOLLOW THAT FEELING THE NEXT TIME WE'RE TOGETHER, OKAY? 342 00:23:30,709 --> 00:23:32,377 >> ABSOLUTELY. >> WE HAVE TO TAKE A 343 00:23:32,444 --> 00:23:35,213 QUICK BREAK, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE MR. HUGH LAURIE, 344 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,248 EVERYBODY, STICK AROUND. 345 00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,196 >> HEY EVERYBODY WE'RE BACK WITH THE DIRECTEDDER 346 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:55,333 AND STAR OF WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS ON BRITBOX MR. HUGH 347 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,737 LAURIE, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THERE SERIES AVAILABLE HERE IN 348 00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:02,741 THE STATES ON BRITBOX. AND I ALREADY HAVE BRITBOX, I 349 00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:11,316 ALREADY KNOW BRITBOX BECAUSE I'M MARRIED TO A WILD ANGLOP FILE, 350 00:24:11,383 --> 00:24:13,819 SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES YOU BRIT, AND YOU HAVE ADAPTED, DIRECTED 351 00:24:13,885 --> 00:24:18,723 AND STARRED IN A NEW MINI SERIES CALLED WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK EVANS 352 00:24:18,790 --> 00:24:22,294 FROM THE 1934ING AATEA CHRISTIE NOVEL. 353 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,563 HAVE I NEVER READ THIS NOVEL. >> GOOD. 354 00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:28,967 >> WHY IS THAT. >> IT IS GOOD BECAUSE THE STORY 355 00:24:29,034 --> 00:24:34,139 WILL-- WITNESSES TRUES TO NOVEL. >> IS THIS A LONG TIME LOVE OF 356 00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:37,642 YOURS? >> IT SAY LONG TIME LOVE THERE 357 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:42,747 IS THE CENTRAL-- THIS IS WHATTING AATEA CHRISTIE DID 358 00:24:42,814 --> 00:24:48,320 BETTER, THE MYSTERY PLOLT, I STILL THINK IS ONE THE MOST 359 00:24:48,386 --> 00:24:52,891 BEAUTIFUL THINGS T MAKES YOU SHIVER EVEN NOW REMEMBERING THE 360 00:24:52,958 --> 00:24:57,395 FIRST TIME I READ IT I MEAN WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNGZ. 361 00:24:57,462 --> 00:24:59,431 >> ABOUT HOW OLD. >> WELL, PEOPLE ALWAYS LIKE TO 362 00:24:59,497 --> 00:25:05,837 BOAST ABOUT HOW YOUNG THEY WERE HOW PRECOCIOUS THEY WERE. 363 00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:09,241 I WAS FOUR. >> YOU WENT TO 364 00:25:09,307 --> 00:25:10,742 CAMBRIDGE. >> LATE FOUR. 365 00:25:10,809 --> 00:25:15,780 AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. AND THIS CENTRAL MYSTERY SO 366 00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:18,717 BEAUTIFULLY REVEALED, SO BEAUTIFULLY WORKED OUT BUT I 367 00:25:18,783 --> 00:25:24,656 ALSO FELL IN LOVE WITH THE MAIN, ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS, THE 368 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:30,729 CHARACTER FRANKIE PLAYED BY LUCY WHO WAS MY FIRST SORT OF CRUSH 369 00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:36,735 REALLY AS A YOUNG LAD I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FICTIONAL 370 00:25:36,801 --> 00:25:38,737 CHARACTER. >> GREAT CHARACTER, WONDERFUL 371 00:25:38,803 --> 00:25:42,641 ACTRESS PLAYING. >> AND THE SHOW IS JUST, I MEAN, 372 00:25:42,707 --> 00:25:49,514 I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GIVE IT PROPER-- IF STAY GREAT MYSTERY, 373 00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:54,119 MYSTERY STRKS FUNNY, IT IS CHARMING T IS JUST AN ABSOLUTE 374 00:25:54,185 --> 00:25:56,054 DELIGHT. I WATCHED ONE EPISODE, ONLY 375 00:25:56,121 --> 00:25:57,923 THREE. I SAVED IT BECAUSE I WANT TO 376 00:25:57,989 --> 00:26:01,826 WATCH THE REST WITH EVVIE BECAUSE AGAIN SHE IS WEAK FOR 377 00:26:01,893 --> 00:26:06,531 YOU PEOPLE FSM HI A BRITISH ACCENTOR, WOULDN'T THAN LOVELY. 378 00:26:06,598 --> 00:26:13,004 IT WOULD BE LIKE ME HAVING ABS, THAT IS HOW MUCH SHE LOVES YOU 379 00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,739 PEOPLE. >> YEAH, NOW WE HAVE A CLIP 380 00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:18,376 HERE, A MURDER MYSTERY IT CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT IS HAPPENING IN 381 00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:20,345 THIS CLIP. >> ARE YOU IN THIS CLIP. 382 00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,714 >> AM I? >> YES. 383 00:26:22,781 --> 00:26:26,785 >> EXCELLENT. >> YES, THIS IS WHERE LUCY 384 00:26:26,851 --> 00:26:34,526 BOYNTON HER CHARACTER FRANKIE HAS-- INTO THE HOUSE ENVAG ELED 385 00:26:34,592 --> 00:26:35,727 HERSELF. >> WHAT. 386 00:26:35,794 --> 00:26:37,929 >> ENVAGELED HERSELF, WE WILL WORK ON THAT IN LESS ON THREE. 387 00:26:37,996 --> 00:26:43,835 SHE HAS TALKED HER WAY IN TO THE HOUSEHOLD AS OF THE PRINCIPAL 388 00:26:43,902 --> 00:26:48,606 SUSPECT AND THIS VERY SINNISTER CHARACTER WHO IS ACTUALLY A 389 00:26:48,673 --> 00:26:54,713 PSYCHIATRIST TURNS UP, PLAYED BY WELL I WAS ALL THEY COULD GET SO 390 00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:58,416 PLAYED BY ME. THIS IS THE CHARACTER WHO PLEDLY 391 00:26:58,483 --> 00:27:04,723 HAS SUSPICIONS ABOUT HER WHAT SHE IS DOING THERE AND WHY, HE 392 00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,660 SMELLS A RAT. AND THAT'S JUST IT. 393 00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:18,737 >> JIM ENVAGEL US. >> FRANKIE, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO 394 00:27:18,803 --> 00:27:23,808 MEET-- NICHOLSON AND THIS IS DR. NICHOLSON. 395 00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:26,077 >> HOW DO YOU DO, I HAVE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOU. 396 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:30,815 >> AND I YOU? >> REALLY? 397 00:27:30,882 --> 00:27:34,686 YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED, YOUR ACCIDENT CAUSED QUITE A STIR IN 398 00:27:34,753 --> 00:27:38,857 THE VILLAGE. >> OH. 399 00:27:38,923 --> 00:27:51,536 PERHAPS BECAUSE IT WAS NOT AN ACCIDENT 400 00:27:51,603 --> 00:27:55,540 . >> VERY TENSE. 401 00:27:55,607 --> 00:27:59,911 WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK BUT WHEN WE COME BACK I WILL ASK 402 00:27:59,978 --> 00:28:05,016 HUGH ABOUT 57 PIECES OF MAIL THAT HE SENTS ME. 403 00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:05,817 STICK AROUND. 404 00:28:26,071 --> 00:28:29,274 >> HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH NATIONAL 405 00:28:29,340 --> 00:28:31,409 TREASURE HUGH LAURIE. HUGH. 406 00:28:31,476 --> 00:28:34,145 >> YEAH. >> LET'S GET DOWN TO 407 00:28:34,212 --> 00:28:43,188 BRASS TACKS HERE, THE REASON I HAVE YOU HERE IS BECAUSE IN 408 00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:46,391 CHRISTMAS 20 IS OF, THAT YEAR IN 2016 YOU CAME ON TO ONE OF OUR 409 00:28:46,458 --> 00:28:49,994 LIVE ELECTION SHOWS AND YOU WERE LOVELY, WONDERFUL GUEST, I WAS 410 00:28:50,061 --> 00:28:52,063 VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU, SO I GAVE YOU A PRESENT AND THE NEXT TIME 411 00:28:52,130 --> 00:28:54,966 WERE YOU ON I TALKED TO YOU ABOUT THAT PRESENT AND WE HAVE A 412 00:28:55,033 --> 00:28:57,502 CLIP HERE OF ME TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT. 413 00:28:57,569 --> 00:29:01,673 >> I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU CAME BECAUSE DOING THESE SHOWS LIVE 414 00:29:01,739 --> 00:29:06,144 IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT THAN RIGHT RADIO FLOW, MUCH GREATER 415 00:29:06,211 --> 00:29:07,545 PRESSURE. I NOTICED THAT AFTERNOON YOU 416 00:29:07,612 --> 00:29:11,382 WERE DRIVING AROUND ON THE STAGE, WHEN YOU WERE HERE IN THE 417 00:29:11,449 --> 00:29:14,185 AFTERNOON, A LITTLE NINE BOT SEGUE THAT I HAVE. 418 00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:17,822 AND I, WAS SO GRATEFUL THAT I SENT YOU ONE OF THESE FOR 419 00:29:17,889 --> 00:29:19,224 CHRISTMAS THAT YEAR. >> YEAH. 420 00:29:19,290 --> 00:29:22,193 >> AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU EVER GOT IT 421 00:29:22,260 --> 00:29:30,168 BECAUSE I NEVER GOT A THANK YOU NOTE AND BEFORE YOU ANSWER, I 422 00:29:30,235 --> 00:29:35,273 KNOW YOU GOT IT BECAUSE I GOT THE NOTICE THAT IT HAD BEEN 423 00:29:35,340 --> 00:29:39,577 DELIVERED, THAT IS YOU, HUGH LAURIE DOWN HERE BEVERLY HILLS 424 00:29:39,644 --> 00:29:44,582 AND UP HERE IT SAYS YEAH, YEAH, GOOD NEWS, IT HAS BEEN 425 00:29:44,649 --> 00:29:46,151 DELIVERED. SO I GOT YOU A PRESENT THIS YEAR 426 00:29:46,217 --> 00:29:54,526 A LITTLE EARLY. IT'S STATIONARY SO CLEARLY MI A 427 00:29:54,592 --> 00:30:00,231 JERK FOR CALLING YOU OUT ON THAT WHEN YOU WERE HERE, NO, CLEARLY 428 00:30:00,298 --> 00:30:01,299 MI. >> NOT AT ALL. 429 00:30:01,366 --> 00:30:03,668 >> BUT ONE OF THE FAVORITE THINGS THAT EVER 430 00:30:03,735 --> 00:30:07,405 HAPPENED IN HUMAN HISTORY IS THAT I GAVE YOU THAT ACTUAL 431 00:30:07,472 --> 00:30:12,644 STATION AEROAND WHAT NO ONE KNOWS IS THAT THAT NEXT WEEK AND 432 00:30:12,710 --> 00:30:17,549 ALMOST TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS YOU SENT 433 00:30:17,615 --> 00:30:22,153 ME THANK YOU NOTES. >> I DID. 434 00:30:22,220 --> 00:30:27,592 . 435 00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,395 >> WE COUNTED IT, 57 THANK YOU NOTES IN ALL. 436 00:30:30,461 --> 00:30:32,630 THEY'RE NOT LONG. SOME OF THEM ARE JUST, MOST OF 437 00:30:32,697 --> 00:30:37,235 THEM ARE JUST ONE SENTENCE AND I HAVE THEM ALL RIGHT HERE. 438 00:30:37,302 --> 00:30:41,739 AND THEY TELL A LITTLE STORY. I I WAS HOPING WOULD YOU DO US 439 00:30:41,806 --> 00:30:48,913 THE FAVOR OF READING THE THANK YOU NOTES TO US AND JUST, FOR 440 00:30:48,980 --> 00:30:52,417 JUST DEAR STEFEN AND JUST THE MESSAGE, IF YOU DON'T MIND. 441 00:30:52,483 --> 00:30:54,319 ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS. >> YES. 442 00:30:54,385 --> 00:30:57,322 >> SO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS A DRAMATIC 443 00:30:57,388 --> 00:31:04,128 RECITATION BY HUGH LAURIE OF THE 57 THANK YOU NOTES. 444 00:31:04,195 --> 00:31:07,932 THAT I RECEIVED. MAESTRO, ACTION. 445 00:31:07,999 --> 00:31:11,269 >> DEAR STEPHEN, THANK YOU FOR MY SEGUE, IT IS PERFECT FOR 446 00:31:11,336 --> 00:31:18,243 WRITING A THANK YOU ON. WITH EYE CLIP, THANK YOU FOR MY 447 00:31:18,309 --> 00:31:22,146 THANK YOU CARDS. THEY ARE PERFECT FOR WRITING 448 00:31:22,213 --> 00:31:26,150 THANK YOU ON. THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON THE 449 00:31:26,217 --> 00:31:32,457 LATE SHOW. THANK YOU FOR HAVING THE LATE 450 00:31:32,523 --> 00:31:35,760 SHOW. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING ELSE. 451 00:31:35,827 --> 00:31:40,531 THANK YOU FOR READING THESE CARDS. 452 00:31:40,598 --> 00:31:50,041 THANKING THE HELL OUT OF YOU. I HOPE THIS FINDS YOU WELL. 453 00:31:50,108 --> 00:31:52,577 I AM WELL. >> AND NOW THE CARDS 454 00:31:52,644 --> 00:31:54,245 CHANGE, WE ARE OUT OF THE STATION AEROI GAVE YOU AND WE 455 00:31:54,312 --> 00:32:00,952 MOVED ON TO NEW STATION AERO. >> I AM WELL APART FROM A SLIGHT 456 00:32:01,019 --> 00:32:06,190 HEADACHE. IT'S GONE NOW. 457 00:32:06,257 --> 00:32:10,461 IS THIS ANNOYING YET? I HOPED IT WOULDN'T GET ANNOYING 458 00:32:10,528 --> 00:32:14,499 UNTIL THE SUMMER. ADVICE. 459 00:32:14,565 --> 00:32:19,370 SHALL I GET THE BLUE OR THE GREEN? 460 00:32:19,437 --> 00:32:25,243 I DIDN'T HEAR BACK SO I GOT BOTH. 461 00:32:25,310 --> 00:32:27,745 >> I DON'T LIKE THESE CARDS AS 462 00:32:27,812 --> 00:32:30,181 MUCH. BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FROM YOU. 463 00:32:30,248 --> 00:32:33,117 THANK YOU FOR THAT VERY FUNNY BIT. 464 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:39,791 THANK YOU FOR THIS NEW OF MORNING, I'M STILL THANKING YOU. 465 00:32:39,857 --> 00:32:45,263 I KNOW THIS STOPPED BEING A FUNNY AWHILE BACK. 466 00:32:45,330 --> 00:32:50,601 BUT I THOUGHT IF I KEEP GOING IT MIGHT GET FUNNY AGAIN. 467 00:32:50,668 --> 00:32:55,506 HAVE YOU THOUGHT OF CONSULTING A LAWYER? 468 00:32:55,573 --> 00:33:01,546 I AM THINKING OF YOU RIGHT NOW. I HAVE A PAIN IN MY KNEE TODAY. 469 00:33:01,612 --> 00:33:05,249 MY ACCOUNTANT THINKS THESE CARDS MIGHT BE DEDUCTIBLE. 470 00:33:05,316 --> 00:33:09,253 I TOLD HIM I DON'T WANT TO DEDUCT MY THANKS. 471 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,856 I MEAN SERIOUSLY WHAT IS IT ALL FOR. 472 00:33:11,923 --> 00:33:20,098 OH SURE, YOU MAY SAY TO BUILD A BETTER WORLD, REALLY? 473 00:33:20,164 --> 00:33:22,033 >> I'M LOSING MY MIND. >> IF I SUDDENLY STOP WRITING 474 00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:28,473 WILL YOU WORRY? THANK YOU. 475 00:33:28,539 --> 00:33:34,178 LET NOT THE SWORD SLEEP IN YOUR HAND AND THANKS. 476 00:33:34,245 --> 00:33:39,117 MY ELBOW HURTS. NOT FROM WRITING TO YOU BUT I'VE 477 00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:49,527 ALWAYS WANTED TO GO TO DAYTON. THE DOCTOR SAYS IT IS TENNIS 478 00:33:49,594 --> 00:33:52,463 ELBOW. I SAID BETTER CALL IT CARD 479 00:33:52,530 --> 00:33:57,268 WRITING ELBOW. HE LAUGHED. 480 00:33:57,335 --> 00:34:04,442 WHY TENNIS THOUGH, WHY NOT BULL FIGHTERS ELBOW OR STUMPMAN'S 481 00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:07,345 ELBOW. GRACIAS. 482 00:34:07,412 --> 00:34:10,148 I THINK CAN I HEAR A NOISE OUTSIDE. 483 00:34:10,214 --> 00:34:14,185 PROBABLY NOTHING. I'M STARTING TO WONDER ABOUT 484 00:34:14,252 --> 00:34:17,955 LIFE. MY LIFE. 485 00:34:18,022 --> 00:34:22,727 IS SEAN HANNITY A HAPPY MAN? 486 00:34:22,794 --> 00:34:28,433 HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN PEOPLE SPELL YOUR NAME WITH A "V." 487 00:34:28,499 --> 00:34:33,271 ANNOYED, I BET. ALTHOUGH IT'S A BIT QUICKER, I 488 00:34:33,337 --> 00:34:36,674 SUPPOSE. THANK YOU FOR THE MOON AND 489 00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,676 STARS. WHAT IS GOING ON. 490 00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:46,617 I'M GOING ON VACATION. HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH OF THIS 491 00:34:46,684 --> 00:34:48,653 YET? >> THERE IT IS AGAIN. 492 00:34:48,719 --> 00:34:51,923 HOLD ON, I THINK THERE IS SOMEONE ON THE ROOF. 493 00:34:51,989 --> 00:34:58,196 THERE WAS. NOW HE'S IN THE HOUSE. 494 00:34:58,262 --> 00:35:02,200 ASKING FOR VALUABLE. I DON'T HAVE ANY VALUABLES. 495 00:35:02,266 --> 00:35:05,536 WHAT WHAT SHALL I TELL HIM. THANK GOODNESS I'M A CARD 496 00:35:05,603 --> 00:35:12,910 WRITING BECAUSE I HAVE DUCT TAPE ON MY MOUTH. 497 00:35:12,977 --> 00:35:17,815 HE SAYS HAVE I TO GET IN THE 498 00:35:17,882 --> 00:35:21,686 VAN. I AM CHAINED TO A BED FRAME. 499 00:35:21,752 --> 00:35:26,190 I NOW BELONG TO THE PEOPLE'S REVOLUTIONARY FRONT. 500 00:35:26,257 --> 00:35:30,761 I DON'T MEAN-- I DON'T MEAN I AGREE WITH THEIR VIEWS BUT MI 501 00:35:30,828 --> 00:35:37,802 NOW THEIR PROPERTY. THE FOOD IS OKAY IF MONOTONOUS. 502 00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:47,979 THEY'RE ASKING FOR $15 MILLION. KICK STARTER? 503 00:35:48,045 --> 00:35:54,252 >> THE GREATEST THANK YOU, THE GREATEST THANK YOU OF 504 00:35:54,318 --> 00:35:57,588 ALL TIME. HUGH LAURIE, WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK 505 00:35:57,655 --> 00:36:02,593 EVANS IS AVAILABLE NOW ON THE BRITBOX STREAMING SERVICE. 506 00:36:02,660 --> 00:36:04,529 HUGHLAURIE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 507 00:36:04,595 --> 00:36:06,163 PERFORMANCE BY IDLES. 508 00:36:13,871 --> 00:36:15,940 >> THEY ARE PLAYING COACHELLA TOMORROW. 509 00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:18,242 PERFORMING "CRAWL" FROM THEIR ALBUM, 510 00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:23,948 "CRAWLER," IDLES! 511 00:36:41,332 --> 00:36:47,972 SO TIRED, SOME LAY UP 512 00:36:48,039 --> 00:36:52,643 HIGH SEER, SO K UP 513 00:36:52,710 --> 00:36:55,947 PUT THE CALL IN 514 00:36:56,013 --> 00:37:03,955 FOR A BORE, APPALLING 515 00:37:06,324 --> 00:37:10,461 SAID THE LIAR TO THE 516 00:37:10,528 --> 00:37:14,031 AND I KNOW I'M NOT WHAT I SHOULD 517 00:37:14,098 --> 00:37:15,967 PRETTY FACE IN 518 00:37:16,033 --> 00:37:18,269 AND YEAH, 519 00:37:18,336 --> 00:37:23,975 I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN 520 00:37:24,041 --> 00:37:27,979 AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER 521 00:37:28,045 --> 00:37:35,987 BUT IT WORKS FOR ME 522 00:37:36,053 --> 00:37:50,935 I'M ALRIGHT! I'M ALRIGHT! 523 00:37:51,002 --> 00:37:51,869 I'M ALRIGHT! I'M ALRIGHT! 524 00:37:51,936 --> 00:37:55,973 SO SURE, SO BEAT UP 525 00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:03,948 SO FAR, SEVEN SEATER 526 00:38:04,015 --> 00:38:07,952 NO GO, LONG TEETHER 527 00:38:08,019 --> 00:38:13,057 I'M TOLD, OLD FEEDER 528 00:38:13,124 --> 00:38:15,926 "DAMN, I'M FEELING GOOD!" 529 00:38:15,993 --> 00:38:19,997 SAID THE LIAR TO THE 530 00:38:20,064 --> 00:38:23,000 AND I KNOW I'M NOT WHAT I SHOULD 531 00:38:23,067 --> 00:38:27,471 PRETTY FACE IN 532 00:38:27,538 --> 00:38:31,976 I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN 533 00:38:32,043 --> 00:38:35,946 AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER 534 00:38:36,013 --> 00:38:40,117 BUT IT WORKS FOR ME 535 00:38:40,184 --> 00:38:47,992 I'M ALRIGHT! 536 00:38:48,059 --> 00:38:54,298 I'M ALRIGHT! 537 00:38:54,365 --> 00:38:59,970 I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE 538 00:39:00,037 --> 00:39:03,374 I'M ON THE WAY 539 00:39:03,441 --> 00:39:06,277 I KNOW IT LOOKS BAD 540 00:39:06,343 --> 00:39:11,315 I RIDE THE WAVE 541 00:39:11,382 --> 00:39:15,453 AS HE GOES ALL DAY 542 00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:16,987 NO REST FOR THE LAMB 543 00:39:17,054 --> 00:39:17,822 I'M ON THE WAY 544 00:39:17,888 --> 00:39:23,794 BUT I CANNOT WAIT 545 00:39:23,861 --> 00:39:24,729 I RIDE THE WAVE 546 00:39:24,795 --> 00:39:27,965 I'M ON MY KNEES FOR PORCELAIN 547 00:39:28,032 --> 00:39:33,537 AND YEAH, I'M A CRAWLER 548 00:39:33,604 --> 00:39:36,006 BUT IT WORKS FOR ME 549 00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:41,345 I'M ALRIGHT! 550 00:39:41,412 --> 00:39:47,952 I'M ALRIGHT! 551 00:39:48,018 --> 00:39:54,291 I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE 552 00:39:54,358 --> 00:40:00,798 I'M FEELING MAGNI-FIQUE 553 00:40:00,865 --> 00:40:02,767 >> IDLES, EVERYBODY! 554 00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:03,834 GOODNIGHT THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. 555 00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:07,371 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST WILL BE JOSH BROLIN. 556 00:40:07,438 --> 00:40:09,340 JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. GOODNIGHT.