SUGGESTING VLADIMIR PUTIN IS BEING MISLED BY HIS MILITARY
ADVISORS, TOO SCARED TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH ABOUT RUSSIA'S LOSSES
IN UKRAINE. >> GOOD MORNING,
PRESIDENT PUTIN. HERE ARE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN
EFFORTLESS TAKEOVER OF UKRAINE. IN KYIV, HAPPY RUSSIAN SOLDIERS
TO VICTORY DANCE, BIG SMILES AND GOOD TIMES.
YOU SHOULD GIVE MINISTER OF DEFENSE SERGEI SHOIGU A RAISE.
NOW TO EAST, WHERE A UKRAINIAN BRIDGE HAS BEEN FULLY
DE-NAZIFIED. NICE WORK, SERGEI.
BEST FRIEND FOREVER! WE HAVE ALSO CONQUERED
CHERNIHIV, USING ONLY 300 MEN, ROCK-HARD ABS, BUT NONE AS
SHREDDED AS YOU. LAST BUT NOT LEASTLY, IN THE
REGION OF NARNIA, OUR WAR LIONS ACCOMPLISHED CONVINCING AND
SWIFT DEFEAT OF TILDA SWINTON. DON'T POISON SERGEI.
THE END. DO NOT GOOGLE CHECK.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, NOT OKAY TV. PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES JAMES
McAVOY AND MUSICAL GUEST ARLO PARKS, WITH A SPECIAL APPEARANCE
BY JANE KRAKOWSKI. FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN." AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE
ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE! GOOD TO SEE YA.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE ISIAH.
WHAT'S GOING ON? ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
>> Stephen: HEY! THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
( PIANO RIFF ) WHOO!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MY
FRIENDS. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
WELCOME! WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW." I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOLKS -- FIVE WEEKS?
FIVE WEEKS TONIGHT. TONIGHT MARKS FIVE WEEKS SINCE
THE START OF RUSSIA'S FAILED INVASION OF UKRAINE.
REMEMBER, THE SO-CALLED MILITARY EXPERTS NOT JUST HERE BUT AROUND
THE WORLD ALL PREDICTED PUTIN'S FORCES WOULD CONQUER KYIV IN
LESS THAN THREE DAYS. THERE ARE A LOT OF REASONS IT'S
GOING SO TERRIBLY. THE RUSSIAN TROOPS, THEY HAVE NO
CLEAR PURPOSE. THE TROOPS ARE RUNNING OUT OF
FOOD. AND TURNS OUT THEY HAVE REALLY
BAD TECHNOLOGY. FOR INSTANCE, MOST MODERN
MILITARY RADIOS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO INTERCEPT, MANY RUSSIANS
FORCES ARE COMMUNICATING ON UNENCRYPTED HIGH FREQUENCY
CHANNELS THAT ALLOW ANYONE WITH A HAM RADIO TO EAVESDROP, TO
WHICH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS SAID A RADIO MADE OF HAM?
CAN I HAVE ONE? I'M SO HUNGRY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, RUSSIA'S WALKIE-TALKIES ARE
BEING BOMBARDED WITH HEAVY METAL MUSIC FROM UKRAINIAN OPERATORS.
NOT BAD, HEAVY METAL. BUT IF UKRAINE REALLY WANTS TO
MESS WITH RUSSIAN SOLDIERS, THEY SHOULD FLOOD THEIR
WALKIE-TALKIES WITH AN UNBEARABLY LONG PODCAST.
IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS AND MARK MERRIN IS STILL TALKING ABOUT
HIS "SNL" AUDITION. WHAT THE HELL IS A MALE CHIMP?
WHAT IS THIS MALE CHIMP? WTF?
( LAUGHTER ) VLADIMIR PUTIN MAY NOT BE AWARE
OF HOW BAD HIS INVASION IS GOING BUZZ INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS HIS
ADVISORS MISINFORMED HIM ON UKRAINE.
OWN PRORUSSIA.PROPAGANDA HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT RUSSIA
CALLED, "IVAN DRAGO STRONG GOOD."
REPORTEDLY, SENIOR RUSSIAN OFFICIALS ARE WARY OF DELIVERING
TRUTHFUL ASSESSMENTS - POTENTIALLY AFRAID THAT THE
MESSENGERS OF BAD NEWS WILL BE HELD RESPONSILE FOR THE
BATTLEFIELD FAILURES. OF COURSE THEY'RE AFRAID TO BE
HONEST. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO A
PSYCHOTIC BOSS, YOU LOSE. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU:
HEY, LOUIS, I'VE BEEN OFFERED THE ROLE OF RIGOLETTO AT THE
METROPOLITAN OPERA. DO YOU THINK I HAVE THE PIPES
FOR IT? NOW BEAR IN MIND, IF YOU SAY NO,
I WILL THROW YOU OFF THE BALCONY.
BUT IF YOU SAY YES, AND I EMBARRASS MYSELF, I WILL ALSO
THROW YOU OFF THE BALCONY. SO WHAT SHOULD I DO?
BE HONEST! >> I THINK YOU SHOULD ASK JON
WHEN HE GETS BACK. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: GOOD CHOICE.
GOOD CHOICE. IT'S NOT JUST THE WAR.
INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS ALSO SAY THAT PUTIN HAS
AN INCOMPLETE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HOW DAMAGING WESTERN
SANCTIONS HAVE BEEN ON THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY.
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT: VLAD, IF YOU'RE PAYING WITH RUBLES,
YOU CAN CROSS TOILET PAPER OFF YOUR SHOPPING LIST.
LIFE IS HARD ON EVERYDAY RUSSIANS.
PUTIN HAS CRACKED DOWN ON INDEPENDENT AND SOCIAL
MEDIA. FOR INSTANCE, RUSSIA HAS BLOCKED
INSTAGRAM. IT'S ONE THING TO TAKE AWAY FREE
SPEECH, GOVERN THROUGH FEAR, AND COLLAPSE YOUR NATION'S ECONOMY,
BUT NO BRUNCH 'GRAMS? THAT VIOLATES INTERNATIONAL LAW
AND THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES!
THAT'S ROOTY TOOTY FRESH AND SCREWY.
FRESH AND POOTY? I DON'T KNOW.
THIS HAS BEEN PARTICULARLY TOUGH ON RUSSIAN INFLUENCERS, MANY OF
WHOM POSTED VIDEOS OF TEARFUL
GOODBYES TO THEIR FANS. OF COURSE INFLUENCERS ARE UPSET.
INFLUENCERS HAVE NO OTHER MARKETABLE SKILLS.
WHAT, ARE THEY GONNA GO DOOR-TO-DOOR TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL
BAD ABOUT NOT HAVING A THIGH GAP?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A THIGH
GAP. DO I HAVE A THIGH GAP?
( LAUGHTER ) ONE GROUP OF RUSSIAN PROGRAMMERS
HAS COME UP WITH A SOLUTION. THEY ARE RELEASING MELANCHOLY
VERSION OF INSTAGRAM. WELL, THEN THEY'RE GONNA GET
SUED, BECAUSE "A MELANCHOLY VERSION OF
INSTAGRAM" IS ALREADY THE SLOGAN FOR
LINKEDIN. ( LAUGHTER )
DON'T EMAIL ME. DON'T EMAIL ME.
( APPLAUSE ) THE NEW RUSSIAN APP IS CALLED
'GRUSTNOGRAM', OR IN ENGLISH 'SADGRAM."
( LAUGHTER ) FITS IN WITH OTHER GREAT RUSSIAN
SOCIAL MEDIA SITES LIKE "WHY THE LONG FACEBOOK?" AND
"TIK TOK GOES THE CLOCK AS TIME MARCHES FORWARD, A DIFFICULT
BIRTH ASTRIDE OF A GRAVE." #
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES SAD IS FUNNY.
SPEAKING OF SAD, IT'S BEEN 4 DAYS SINCE WILL SMITH SHOCKED
THE WORLD BY ASSAULTING CHRIS ROCK ON THE OSCARS STAGE.
BUT WE SHOULD'VE SEEN THIS COMING.
HE REPEATEDLY WARNED US HE'S A BAD BOY FOR LIFE, BUT,
NOW, THERE COULD BE MAYBE POSSIBLY CONSEQUENCES.
I'LL BRING YOU THE LATEST IN MY HOPEFULLY-NOT-RECURRING SEGMENT
"GETTIN' SLAPPY WIT IT" ( SLAP )
N♪ (SINGING NAN ). A ♪
YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY OF MOTIO PICTURE ARTS AND SCIENCES BEGAN
DISCIPLINARY PROCEEDINGS AGAINST WILL SMITH.
BUT FIRST THEY PUT ON A MOUTH GUARD AND A CUP, JUST IN CASE.
AFTER A BOARD MEETING, THE OSCAR BIG-WIGS RELEASED A STATEMENT
SAYING SMITH HAD VIOLATED THEIR CODE OF CONDUCT BY ENGAGING
IN "INAPPROPRIATE PHYSICAL CONTACT, ABUSIVE OR
THREATENING BEHAVIOR, AND COMPROMISING THE
INTEGRITY OF THE ACADEMY." AND IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO
PRESERVE THE INTEGRITY OF THE ACADEMY.
( FAKE COUGH ) ROMAN POLANSKI...
ROMAN -- ROMAN -- ROMAN POLA POLANSKI.
SORRY I JUST GOT A LITTLE TICKLE IN MY
( FAKE COUGH ) KEVIN SPACEY...
IN MY THROAT.
( COUGH ) HARVEY WEINSTEIN.
HARVEY, HARVEY -- WEINSTEIN. ( LAUGHTER )
THE SLAP CLAP-BACK STARTED AS SOON AS PALM HIT FACE.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE ACADEMY REVEALED THAT SMITH WAS ASKED TO
LEAVE THE SHOW BUT REFUSED TO DO SO.
WELL, THEY PROBABLY DIDN'T HAVE THE RIGHT MAN ON THE JOB.
UNCLE PHIL? "SO WHAT YOU THINK UNCLE PHIL?"
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, PHIL.
WOO! STRONG!
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, NOT EVERYONE AGREES WITH
THE ACADEMY'S SIDE OF THE STORY. OTHER ATTENDEES CLAIM SOME
ACADEMY MEMBERS EXPRESSED THAT THEY WANTED SMITH REMOVED, BUT
NO FORMAL OR EXPLICIT ASK WAS EVER MADE, AND THAT ACTUALLY
A PRODUCER SAID THAT HE AND THE PRODUCTION "OFFICIALLY" WANTED
SMITH TO STAY FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SHOW.
BECAUSE THEY NEEDED HIM TO GET HIS OSCAR IN PERSON!
OTHERWISE, YOU GOTTA SEND UP RITA MORENO TO SAY
"WILL COULDN'T BE HERE. I'M HONORED TO SLAP CHRIS ROCK
ON HIS BEHALF." ( APPLAUSE )
( RIM SHOT ) WHATEVER REALLY HAPPENED THAT
NIGHT, AND IT'S NOT WHAT THE ACADEMY SAYS, THE ACADEMY
IS NOW READY TO DOLE OUT THE PAIN.
ONE BOARD MEMBER SUMMED UP THEIR THOUGHTS, SAYING "I THINK
EVERYONE UNANIMOUSLY FEELS WHAT HE DID WAS OUT OF CONTROL.
PEOPLE WANT REAL CONSEQUENCE." OH, WOW, REAL CONSEQUENCES.
WHICH MEANS THEY'RE GONNA MAKE WILL SMITH WATCH A DOUBLE
FEATURE OF "HITCH" AND "THE LEGEND OF BAGGER VANCE."
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW.
I THINK THAT VIOLATES THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
( LAUGHTER ) STAYING IN THE WORLD OF MEDIA,
YOU KNOW I'M A COMPANY MAN. I LOVE CBS, OUR PARENT COMPANY
PARAMOUNT, AND ITS PARENT COMPANY... PROBABLY A DEFENSE
CONTRACTOR THAT MAKES BONER PILLS.
THERE'S NO WAY OF KNOWING. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I RECENTLY HEARD SOME OFFICE 'GOSS' THAT ROCKED MY SOCKS.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL THE 'DEETS' IN MY FIRST-RUNNING
SEGMENT, "CBS WATERCOOLER" >> "WHO HERE'S WATCHIN'
"S.W.A.T?" >> STEPHEN: WE ALL ARE, GLUGGY.
RECENTLY, MY NETWORK HAS GOTTEN A LOT OF CRITICISM, MUCH OF IT
FROM ITSELF, BECAUSE CBS NEWS HAS HIRED THE EX-PRESIDENT'S
FORMER CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY TO "PROVIDE POLITICAL
ANALYSIS ACROSS THE NETWORK'S BROADCASTS AND
PLATFORMS." FOR MORE, WE GO TO THE LATE
SHOW'S OWN MEDIA ANALYST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
STEPHEN, YOUR THOUGHTS? >> STEPHEN: WHAT THE ( BLEEP )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK TO YOU, STEVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THANKS, STEPHEN.
I FOR ONECAN'T WAIT TO HEAR MULVANEY'S 1TRENCHANT AND
OBJECTIVE POLITICAL ANALYSIS CONSIDERING THAT BACK IN 2020,
HE SUGGESTED THAT "CORONAVIRUS WAS THE MEDIA HOAX OF THE DAY."
AND AFTER HIS BOSS EXTORTED ZELENSKYY FOR DIRT ON THE
BIDENS, HE SAID, "GET OVER IT." AND JUST DAYS AFTER THE
ELECTION, HE ANNOUNCED: "IF HE LOSES, THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WILL CONCEDE GRACEFULLY," ADDING
"HE'LL FIGHT HARD TO MAKE SURE THE RESULTS ARE FAIR, AND IN THE
END, HE'LL ACCEPT THE RESULT WHATEVER IT IS."
IS MULVANEY PSYCHIC? GET THIS MAN TO VEGAS!!
HE'S NOSTRA-DUMB ASS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SO, OBVIOUSLY, I'M JUST JOKING. BUT WHY WOULD THE TIFFANY
NETWORK'S VENERABLE NEWS DIVISION PUT THIS CRAVEN TOADY
TO A TYRANT ON THE PAYROLL? ACCORDING TO LEAKED AUDIO, ONE
EXEC SAID THEY WANTED "TO MAKE SURE THAT WE ARE
GETTING ACCESS TO BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE IS A PRIORITY BECAUSE
WE KNOW THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER, MOST LIKELY,
IN THE MIDTERMS." THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE NOT JUST REPORTING THE NEWS, THEY'RE PREDICTING IT NOW.
AND REWORKING OUR PROGRAMMING IN HOPES OF COZYING UP TO THE
G.O.P.. SO GET READY FOR
OUR NEW SPRING LINE-UP: "YOUNG Q-SHAMAN,"
"BOB RESTRICTS THE REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS OF ABISHOLA," AND
" BLUE BLOODS." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M SURE -- I'M SURE -- I'M SURE THIS HAS ALL BEEN TOUGH
ON MULVANEY. AND AS A COWORKER, I FEEL LIKE
IT'S MY DUTY TO MAKE SURE HE IS PORTRAYED FAIRLY ON THIS
NETWORK. SO JOINING US NOW, LIVE VIA
SATELLITE FROM WASHINGTON DC, PLEASE WELCOME CBS NEWS
CONTRIBUTOR, MICK MULVANEY. SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS JAMES
MCAVOY. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I
CELEBRATE WOMEN'S HISTORY WITH A SPECIAL GUEST.
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
THERE YOU GO! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOUIS, Y'ALL SOUND GREAT TONIGHT, AS USUAL.
I WANT TO THANK AGAIN ISIAH SHARKY FOR JOINING US TONIGHT ON
GUITAR. SOUND AMAZING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE, ISIAH.
TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT JUST A DELIGHTFUL PERFORMER, A REAL
SUPERSTAR JAMES McAVOY IS HERE TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE KNOW HIM, WE LOVE HIM.
HE'S DOING "CYRANO DE BERGERAC." >> NICE
>> STEPHEN: TODAY MARKS THE END OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH.
AND IT'S BEEN A BIG ONE: CONFIRMATION HEARINGS BEGAN FOR
THE VERY FIRST BLACK WOMAN NOMINATED TO SIT ON THE
SUPREME COURT. CONGRESS RENEWED THE VIOLENCE
AGAINST WOMEN ACT AND EXPANDED PROTECTIONS, AND
NETFLIX RELEASED SEASON 2 OF "BRIDGERTON."
THE STORIES MAY BE FICTIONAL, BUT
THE BUTTS ARE STILL VERY REAL. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
OF COURSE, NO WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT
BRANDS USING IT FOR CLOUT. AND THIS YEAR WAS NO EXCEPTION:
CHOCOLATE BRAND HERSHEY HIGHLIGHTING THE CENTRAL
PLACEMENT OF THE WORD "SHE" IN ITS LOGO ON LIMITED-EDITION
CHOCOLATE BARS. WHICH IS WAY MORE TASTEFUL THAN
THE ILL-ADVISED: "BUTT-HER-FINGER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, WHATCHAMACALLIT WILL NOW BE
GOING BY IT'S PROPER NAME "THE CLITORIS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT BIG COMPANIES.
IN FACT, THE ROOTS OF WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH GO BACK TO MARCH
8, 1857, WHEN WOMEN FROM VARIOUS NEW YORK CITY FACTORIES STAGED A
PROTEST OVER POOR WORKING CONDITIONS.
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW THE NAMES OF THESE HEROIC PROTESTERS, WHICH
BRINGS UP A SAD TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH: SO
MANY HISTORIC WOMEN WHO DESERVE TO BE CELEBRATED NEVER GET THEIR
TIME IN THE SPOTLIGHT. THAT ENDS TONIGHT.
BECAUSE "THE LATE SHOW" IS PROUD TO PRESENT JANE KRAKOWSKI, AN
ACTUAL WOMAN IN HISTORY, WITH THIS SPECIAL MESSAGE.
♪♪ >> GOOD EVENING, I'M JANE
KRAKOWSKI. IT'S WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH AND,
NATURALLY, WE'RE CELEBRATING ACCOMPLISHED WOMEN LIKE AMELIA
EARHART, HARRIET TUBMAN, AND ME JANE KRAKOWSKI.
THANK YOU. BUT UNFORTUNATELY BY THE TIME WE
FINISH COVERING ALL THE GREATEST WOMEN, THERE'S NO TIME LEFT TO
TALK ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. SO TONIGHT WE'RE CELEBRATING ALL
THE WOMEN WHO DESERVE OUR PRAISE BUT UP UNTIL NOW HAVEN'T QUITE
MADE THE CUT. THIS IS GREAT-ISH WOMEN OF
HISTORY. AUGUST 1, 1927, LARA MAZER
BECOMES THE FIRST PERSON IN HISTORY TO TAKE OFF HER BRING
THROUGH HER SLEEVE. TODAY WOMEN ACROSS THE COUNTRY
CELEBRATE HER BY TAKING OFF THEIR BRAS AND REPEATING THE
FAMOUS CATCH PHRASE. AAAHHH!
>> 3,000B.C., SERGA INVENTS THE WHEEL.
SHE INVENTED OTHER SMAIPS, TOO. MAY 27,.
QUEEN AUGUSTA INVENTS THE QUEEN-SIZED BED, WHO LATER
GHAITH BIRTH TO TWINS. NOVEMBER 19, 1310, LADY
KATHERINE DESNACK INVENTS THE CONCEPT OF SNACKING WHEN SHE
EATS JUST A LITTLE BIT. SHE WENT ON TO INVENT BRUNCH,
BREAKFAST FOR DINNER AND FRIES FOR THE TABLE.
A TRUE PIONEER. FEBRUARY 21, 1902, SARA ANDERSON
INVENTS MIXED NUTS WHEN SHE FALLS DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS
WHILE CARRYING FIVE PRECARIOUS BOWLS OF SEPARATED NUTS.
AFTER THE FALL, SHE WENT NUTS. ( LAUGHTER )
SHE LATER DIED FROM HER INJURIES.
FEBRUARY 14, 1741, LADY MILL SENT GREGORY BECOMES THE FIRST
PERSON IN HISTORY TO UTTER THE PHRASE IT'S 5:00 SOMEWHERE.
CHEERS TO YOU, MY LADY. ( APPLAUSE )
THIS HAS BEEN GREATEST WOMEN OF HISTORY, AND I AM JANE
KRAKOWSKI. ♪♪
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JANE KRAKOWSKI.
YOU CAN SEE HER ON "NAME THAT TUNE," TUESDAYS ON FOX!
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK!
TO "THE LATE SHOW." >> ALREADY IN PROGRESS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW MY GUEST TONIGHT FROM
"ATONEMENT", "ATOMIC BLONDE" AND THE "X-MEN" FILMS.
HE NOW STARS IN A PRODUCTION OF "CYRANO DE BERGERAC".
PLEASE WELCOME, JAMES MCAVOY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: SIT OR DON'T SIT, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO.
>> I'LL REMAIN STANDING. >> Stephen: SURE.
TELL ME ABOUT THE PROJECT. THERE YOU GO.
NICE TO SEE YOU. THANKS FOR BEING BACK.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING. THANK YOU FOR COMING.
>> Stephen: YES. I WANT TO GET TO "CYRANO
DE BRGERAC," WHICH IS AT BAM. >> YES, STARTING ON THE 5th.
>> Stephen: ON THE 5th. BEFORE WE DO THAT, I'VE GOT TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT PREPS, ONE OF YOUR GREATEST APPEARANCES ON THE
SCREEN I SINTD KNOW ABOUT TILL RECENTLY IS YOU WERE ON THE
GREAT BRITISH BAKEOFF, RIGHT? >> YES, I WAS.
>> Stephen: BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I LIKE THE SHOW. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE
YOU WERE ON THE CELEBRITY VERSION THAT FOR REASONS I DON'T
IS NOT IN THE STATE. >> WE DO THE CELEBRITY VERSION
FOR A BRITISH BASED CHARITY STAND UP FOR CANCER.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE THAT HERE. THE WHOLE THING I WAS GOING
TO TELL YOU IS ABSOLUTELY NONSENSE.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DON'T HAVE IT HERE.
BUT LET'S START A PETITION AND MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN BY
THE PEOPLE. >> Stephen: WE NEED AN
EXTRADITION TREATY FOR THE CELEBRITY.
>> PLEASE. >> Stephen: DID YOU WIN?
I WON. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, WHAT'S IT LIKE INSIDE THAT TENT?
WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE? WHAT'S THE PRESSURE LIKE?
>> THE TEMPERATURE IS RISING. THERE'S WHEAT FLOUR EVERYWHERE.
IT LOOKS LIKE SCAR FACE TIMES TEN.
IT'S NOT GOOD. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THAT BUT
WITH FLOUR AND IT'S SWEATY, IT'S TENSE.
>> Stephen: DOES EVEN FEEL THE PRESSURE?
ARE YOU COOL? >> I'M USUALLY QUITE COOL, YET
IN THERE I FELT QUITE TENSE. EVEN THOUGH IT'S FOR CHARITY,
IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE, FUN, NOBODY'S REALLY JUDGING YOU
HARSHLY, BUT, YEAH, YOU DO. DAVID WHO IS A GREAT COMEDIAN
AND WRITER AND PRESENTER BACK HOME, HE WAS THERE, AND HE WAS,
LIKE, QUITE UP-FRONT ABOUT THE FACT HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT BACON,
HE WAS JUST THERE FOR A GOOD CAUSE, RAISE MONEY FOR AWARENESS
AND CHARITY AND DOESN'T CARE IF HE MAKES AN ABSOLUTE IDOT OF
HIMSELF. HALFWAY THROUGH THE CHALLENGE
HE'S, LIKE, I'M ON THE VERGE OF TEARS, I'M NOT SURE I CAN TURN
IN MY HOMEWORK. A GUY WHO WON A DOZEN MEDALS IN
GREAT BRITAIN, USED TO BE IN THE ARMY, THE WHOLE THING, AND SHE
WASED I WON. SHE WAS LOVELY BUT --
>> Stephen: WELL, LISTEN, WAS THIS YOUR FINALE, THE THING YOU
BROUGHT IT HOME WITH? >> A SNOW LEOPARD PINA COLADA.
>> Stephen: TOGSED COCONUT ON THE OUTSIDE?
>> THAT'S TOASTED COCONUT. >> Stephen: LOOK AT THAT DAMN
THING! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU! >> Stephen: IF YOU EVER DECIDE
TINDER, THIS IS THE SHOT YOU USE.
NO ONE'S GOING TO SWIPE LEFT ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU! >> Stephen: WHAT DID THEY
THINK OF THIS? THEY THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY GOOD,
PAUL. >> Stephen: NO SOGGY BOTTOM?
NO SOGGY BOTTOM. PAUL WHO LIVES ACROSS A WHALE
RESERVE FOR ENDANGERED ANIMALS, SAID A LEOPARD GAVE BIRTH TO
CUBS AND HE KEPT SAYING, WE CAN HANDLE THEM.
I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME BUT I WOULD
LIKE TO HANDLE CUBS WITH PAUL. HE WAS VERY IMPRESSED.
I SAID, I WAS AN APPRENTICE CONFECTIONER FOR THREE YEARS.
>> Stephen: THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE AN AMATEUR.
>> I FESSED UP BUT THEY CUT OUT THE WHOLE SHOW.
>> Stephen: SO THERE ARE PEOPLE WATCHED YOU WIN THAT WHO
RIGHT NOW ARE LEARNING THAT YOU WERE A RINGER?
>> YES, I WAS A RINGER. I WAS A BAD RINGER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT MEANS THEY
HAVE TO TAKE THE MONEY AWAY FROM THE CHARITY NOW.
>> I THINK THEY DO. BECAUSE OF MY LIES.
>> Stephen: IT'S YOUR FAULT. YEAH.
>> Stephen: AT THE MOMENT, AGAIN, YOU'RE STARRING IN THE
ADAPTATION OF "CYRANO DE BERGERAC."
>> THANK YOU, YES. >> Stephen: YOU STARTED IN
2019. WHEN DID YOU GET A SENSE THIS
COVID THING MIGHT CAUSE A BIT OF A HICCUP IN YOUR PRODUCTION
SCHEDULE? >> THEY SAY IT DIDN'T TOUCH DOWN
IN BRITAIN TILL MARCH, BUT WE COULD HEAR THE COFFIN INCREASING
NIGHT ON NIGHT ON NIGHT ON NIGHT.
I REMEMBER SOME TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARYRY, MY WIFE
SAID TO ME, LIKE, HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T DO THE STAGE DOOR
THING BECAUSE I ALWAYS DO. >> Stephen: WHERE FANS SIGN
AND STUFF LIKE THAT. >> MAYBE 100 PEOPLE THERE,
THOUSANDS PERHAPS ONE NIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE 75. ( LAUGHTER )
AND YOU GO SIGN, SIGN, SIGN, SIGN, SAYING MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T
DO THIS BECAUSE OF COVID. THAT NIGHT, I GOT TO THE STAGE
DOOR AND THE PERSON SAID CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE WITH MY PHONE AND
SHE'S WEARING A MASK AND GOT A SUITCASE.
I SAID DID YOU JUST GET IN? SHE COUGHED ON ME AND SAID, YES,
I JUST GOT OFF THE PLANE. I SAID, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD
BE DOING THIS. THAT WAS AT STAGE DOOR.
APOLOGIES FOR ANYONE AT STAGE DOOR WHO WAITS FOR TWO HOURS AND
SAYS IS HE IN THE BUILDING? HE'S LEFT THE BUILDING.
PEOPLE WHO ARE THERE TWO HOURS LATER ON THE OFFCHANCE I WILL
COME SAY SOMETHING, HE'S LEFT, ALREADY.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT. >> Stephen: BACK WITH JAMES
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF
"CYRANO DE BERGERAC," OPENING AT BAM.
JAMES McAVOY. NOW, YOU PERFORMED THIS JUST
LAST WEEK IN YOUR HOMETOWN OF GLASGOW, RIGHT?
>> YES. >> Stephen: HOW ARE THE
AUDIENCES DIFFERENT IN GLASGOW AS COMPARED TO LONDON'S WEST
END. >> THE CROWDS WERE LOUDER AND
DEFINITELY MORE UP FRONT AND BOY STROYS.
THE CROWDS IN LONDON WERE LOVING IT AND TOTALLY GETTING IT, BUT
WE WERE GETTING A LOT MORE LAUGHS IN DIFFERENT PLACES AND
ALSO THERE WAS JUST WEIRD STUFF. THERE'S A BIT WHERE IT WAS A
REALLY QUIET SORT OF ROMANTIC MOMENT WITH ROXANNE AND THIS GUY
IN THE BALCONY WAS YELLING, JAMES, JAMES!
WE LOVE YOU, JAMES! GREAT BEING A HOMETOWN BOY, BUT
THERE WAS AN ELEMENT GOING BACK TO GLASGOW WHICH WAS NICE FOR
ME, PERSONALLY. IFGHTS A BIT OF AN OUTPOURING OF
APPRECIATION AND LOVE JUST FOR BEING SOMEONE FROM GLASGOW WHO'S
DONE WELL AND IT WAS NICE BEING IN A ROOM THERE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I THINK THE FIRST
TIME I INTERVIEWED YOU, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD SUCH A
PRONOUNCED SCOTTISH ACCENT. I HAD SEEN YOU PLAY EITHER
AMERICANS OR BRITISH PEOPLE. WHEN YOU GO HOME, DO THEY GO,
YOU'VE CHANGED? THAT ACCENT, YOU'VE LOST YOUR
ACCENT? TO ME, IT'S ALMOST LIKE A SPEECH
IMPEDIMENT. >> THIS NOISE IS COMING OUT OF
MY MOUTH THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND VERY WELL, THIS IS
SEEN IN GLASGOW AS AN ABERRATION, A CAPITULATION, A
CROSSING OF A LINE, WHICH IS -- WHICH MEANS I'VE CHANGED, I'VE
GONE WELL ENGLISH. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN
ACTING -- HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED PERFORMING?
>> I THINK 16. >> Stephen: SO DECADES, NOW,
YOU HAVE BEEN ACTING. DO YOU STILL GET NERVOUS BEFORE
YOU GO ON STAGE? OR DOES SOMETHING CLICK?
>> GENERALLY NOT. WE WERE IN A REALLY CONFIDENT
PLACE. WE WERE SO CONFIDENT WE DIDN'T
DO A DRESS REHEARSAL. WE INSTEAD ANNOUNCED IT TO THE
WORLD THAT WHOEVER TURNED UP AT THE THEATER, FIRST-COME,
FIRST-SERVE, WOULD COME AND WATCH THE DRESS REHEARSAL.
SO WE PLAYED TO A PACKED -- A THOUSAND PEOPLE WERE WATCHING
THAT NIGHT. WE DIDN'T KNOW IF PEOPLE WOULD
LIKE IT OR NOT SO I WAS EXTREMELY NERVOUS.
THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW, THE CURTAIN IS DOWN, THE WHOLE CAST
LINE UP FACING THE AUDIENCE AND THE CURTAIN COMES UP.
I'M FACING THE OTHER WAY, AND I SPEND THE FIRST 15 MINUTES THIS
WAY, AND I GET TO SEE THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE AND OUR AMAZING CAST
WALK TOWARDS THEM IN THE DARK AS THE LIGHTS GO DOWN.
THE VERY, VERY FIRST PERFORMANCE, OUR GUEST WERE
NERVOUS, TOO, BUT I WAS SO EMOTIONAL I CRIED MY EYES OUT
BECAUSE IT LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE WALKING TO THEIR FATE.
I THOUGHT TO MYSELF I HAVEN'T EVEN UTTERED A LINE AND I'M AN
EMOTIONAL WRECK, THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL.
SO I GOT AHOLD OF MYSELF, LOOKED AT MYSELF IN A MIRROR 15 MINUTES
AND GOT ON AND DONE IT. BUT THE FIRST 15 MINUTES OF THE
SHOW WAS WATCHING THE AMAZING CAST IN THIS MIRROR IN BACKWARDS
REFLECTION BEFORE I SAY A WORD. >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,
I WILL ASK GYMS ABILITY HIS CHARACTER SYRIAN NO DE BERGERAC.
STICK AROUND.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH JAMES
McAVOY. IN AN OPENING RELAYED OUT
ESSENTIALLY WHAT THE STAKES OF YOUR CHARACTER ARE AND WHO THE
MAJOR PLAYERS ARE IN THE PLAY. ONE THING EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT
CYRANO -- AND HERE'S A PHOTOAGAIN OF YOU RIGHT THERE --
IS THAT CYRANO HAS THIS ENORMOUS NOSE, ALMOST A GO DESKLY LARGE
NOSE, AND THE DIRECTOR DID NOT ASK YOU TO CHANGE YOUR FACE IN
ANY WAY. >> NO, HE DIDN'T.
NO. NO, NO.
>> Stephen: DID YOU TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT TO YOUR ACTING
SKILL? ( LAUGHTER )
OR AN INDICTMENT? >> UM...
I'VE NEVER ASKED HIM THAT, ACTUALLY.
IT'S SOME CRAZY CONCEPT HE HAS WITH NO NOSE.
AND HE SAYS, NO, IT'S FINE WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
I SAID TO HIM, WHEN YOU SAID HOW DO YOU FEEL FEEL ABOUT DOING
CYRANO, I WAS, LIKE, OH, GREAT. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT WITH A
NOSE. A GUY WITH A BIG OLD NOSE.
HE SAYS, NO, IT'S ABOUT A GUY WHO'S OBJECT FIDE.
AND MORE THAN THAT, THREE PEOPLE WHO ARE OBJECT FIDE.
AND THE MINUTE YOU STICK ON A BIG OLD FAKE NOSE YOU REDUCE IT
TO SOMETHING FAKE. THEN HE EXTENDED IT AND SAID IF
WE DON'T HAVE NOSE, WHY HAVE WE SWORDS, AND IF WE DON'T HAVE
SWORDS, WHY HAVE WE HATS WITH BIG FEATHERS, AND IF WE DON'T
HAVE ALL THAT WHY ARE WE PRETENDING TO BE MUSKETEERS.
HE TAKES IT BACK TO YOU'RE A SOLDIER, WHO KILLS, AND OBSESSED
WITH POETRY AND TAKE IT. PRETTY MUCH IT'S JUST ME,
MASSIVELYISM FIDE IN TERMS OF HIS INSECURITY, ANGER, VIOLENCE,
LONELINESS AND LONGING BUT WE'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH BY AND LARGE
JUST PLAYING OURSELVES. >> Stephen: MOST PEOPLE KNOW
THE STORY OF CYRANO. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE BASIC STORY OF CYRANO, ONE LARGE ELEMENT OF IT,
IS ROXANNE AND CRISTIAN ARE BOTH THESE SORT OF BEAUTIFUL FIGURES
WHO ARE SEEMINGLY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER BUT THE POETRY
CRISTIAN USES TO WOO ROXANNE IS ACTUALLY FROM THE MIND OF
CYRANO. >> YES.
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE BASIC IDEA OF THAT PARTICULARLY GAME
PART OF THE STORY. >> ONE OF THE ORIGINAL LOVE
TRIANGLES AND IS TRAGIC, TOO. ONE TO HAVE THE THINGS WE HIGH
LIGHT OR THE WRITER HAS HIGHLIGHTED AND JAMIE HAS AS
WELL, AS FUNNY, ROMANTIC AND TRAGIC AS IT IS THAT CERTAIN
PEOPLE DIE IN IT, IT'S ALSO QUITE MANIPULATIVE AND ABUSIVE
OF ROXANNE IN THE WAY THE TWO GUYS TREAT HER, WHETHER THEY
LOVE HER OR NOT OR LACKING OR NOT AND WHETHER THEY'RE BOTH
INSECURE ABOUT THEIR LACK OF INTELLIGENCE OF MASSIVE NOSE OR
WHATEVER, THEY MASSIVELY MISTREAT HER TO AN EPIC DEGREE,
AND THE PLAY PUNISHED HIM BECAUSE IT'S NOT HER WHO DIED,
IT'S THE TWO GUYS WHO DIED. AND YOU MISS ALL THAT BEHIND THE
PAGEANTRY AND THE LEXICAL GYMNASTICS AND THE JOY AND THIS
PANACHE, WHICH SHOULD EMBRACED, BUT IF IT BECOMES TOO MUCH
PANACHE, YOU FORGET THE FACT THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO KILL PEOPLE
AND MISTREAT THIS BEAUTIFUL, INCREDIBLE WOMAN, WHO'S OBJECT
FIDE FOR HER BUTTE WHEN SHE'S SO MUCH MORE.
>> Stephen: AND CYRANO HAS SO MUCH ANGER
( APPLAUSE ) >> SO MUCH ANGER.
>> Stephen: AND THAT THE SOMETHING I KNOW FROM LOVING THE
PLAY, BUT FROM YOUR PERFORMANCE, TOO, THERE'S SO MUCH RAGE IN
THAT CHARACTER. >> HE'S REALLY REALLY ANGRY.
HE'S -- BUT I THINK HIS ANGER IS A EARE SPOONS TO THE WAY THE
WORLD TREATS HIM, BUT ALSO ALSO HIS ANGER IS A MECHANISM BY
WHICH HE KEEPS THE WORLD AT BAY. THERE'S A WHOLE AMAZING BET
WHERE HE HAS TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE TO BUY TIME FOR THE
TWO LOVERS TO GET MARRIED, HE PRETENDS TO BE A MAN VISITING
FROM THE MOON. IT'S ABSURD AND A LITTLE
SURREAL, BUT BY THE END OF IT, HE STARTS TO REALIZE AND EXAMINE
HIS OWN LIFE AND EXISTENCE, AND HE REALIZES THAT WHEN HE'S ON
THE MOON, THIS MOON MAN, HE CAN LOOK AT THE WORLD AND THE WORLD
IS PERFECT, BUT HE CAN ONLY SEE THE WORLD AS A BEAUTIFUL,
PERFECT PLACE IF HE'S REMOVED FROM IT AND DISTANCED FROM IT.
THE MINUTE HE'S WITH IT, HE HAS TO LIVE IN THE HORRIBLE WORLD
WITH PAIN AND MISTREATMENT WHERE PEOPLE ARE MISTREATED AND
SLAVERY EXISTS AND PEOPLE TREAT PEOPLE BADLY, BUT IF HE KEEPS
HIMSELF SEPARATE, HE CAN BE THE POET THAT CREATES THE BEAUTY.
THAT'S PART OF WHAT THE ANGER IS, AS WELL, AS MUCH AS HE LONG
FOR ROXANNE AND THIS NORMAL LIFE, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, HE'S
TOO SCARED TO ACTUALLY TAKE IT BECAUSE THAT'S THE THING AS WELL
ABOUT THE FAKE NEWS, YOU SEE SO MANY OF THE FAKE NEWSES, AND
REALLY I'M, LIKE, SOMEONE WOULD TAKE YOU TO BED WITH THAT NOSE
AND LOVE YOU AND GET THEIR KINK ON EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUR
NOSE, YOU KNOW. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU WILL FIND THAT PERSON. AND THE FAKE NOSE, IT SORT OF
DIMINISHES THE SADNESS OF HIS LACK OF SELF-WORTH THAT HE FEELS
FOR HIMSELF REGARDLESS OF WHAT THE WORLD PUTS ON HIM.
>> Stephen: JAMES, GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
WELL SAID. "CYRANO DE BERGERAC" OPENS
TUESDAY AT THE BROOKLYN ACADEMY OF MUSIC.
JAMES MCAVOY, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY ARLO PARKS.
>> STEPHEN: PERFORMING HER NEW SINGLE "SOFTLY," ARLO
PARKS! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I'M DAZZLED HARD,
WE'RE IN BERLIN ♪ AND WHEN YOU LEAVE,
JUST BREAK IT DOWN ♪ TO ME SOFTLY
THROUGH VEILS OF RAIN, ♪ I'M SHATTERING
I DIP INTO THE LOVE ♪ WE HAD WITH EASE
LEMON AND GINGER BEER, ♪ SOAP SUDS ON NAVELS
IF I'VE UPSET YOU, ♪ COULD YOU MAYBE SAY SO?
HAS SOMETHING CHANGED, ♪ HAVE I JUST MISSED THE MEMO?
TELL ME WHAT I DON'T KNOW ♪ OH, WON'T YOU...
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME ♪ BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME ♪ OH, I FORGET MYSELF,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THE PRESSURE THUDS BEHIND MY EYES
♪ YOU LOOK AT ME AS IF IT'S MY FAULT
♪ THAT WE'RE STOOD HERE THE COBALT OF YOUR SCARF
♪ HAS PULLED CLEAR STEALING ME TRAFFIC CONES,
♪ SMILING AT BABIES
I MUST ADMIT ♪ I WANTED YOU TO SAVE ME
NOW I'M SAT ON THE GROUND, ♪ FEELING HALF CRAZY
I DON'T WANT YOU TO GO ♪ OH, WON'T YOU...
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME ♪ BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME ♪ BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
OH, I FORGET MYSELF, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ OH, I FORGET MYSELF,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ OH, I FORGET MYSELF,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ OH, I FORGOT MYSELF,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ OH, WON'T YOU...
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME ♪ BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY,
I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE ♪ BREAK IT TO ME,
BREAK IT TO ME, ♪ BREAK IT TO ME
BREAK IT TO ME SOFTLY, ♪ I DON'T WANT NO ONE ELSE
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪
>> STEPHEN: ARLO PARKS, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR THE LATE SHOW. TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS
WILL BE KEN BURNS AND MANDY PATINKIN, PLUS A SPECIAL
APPEARANCE BY JOHN C. REILLY. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.