1 00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:03,470 REPORTING THAT WHITE HOUSE 2 00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:06,439 RECORDS TURNED OVER TO CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATORS SHOW 3 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:10,577 A SEVEN-HOUR GAP IN PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHONE LOGS FROM THE DAY 4 00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:13,046 OF THE DEADLY SIEGE ON THE U.S. CAPITOL. 5 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:16,182 >> THERE IS A LISTING AT 11:17 A.M. 6 00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:17,417 THE PRESIDENT TALKED ON A PHONE CALL TO AN UNIDENTIFIED PERSON. 7 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:25,558 ( PHONE RINGING ) 8 00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:40,507 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 9 00:00:40,573 --> 00:01:01,728 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 10 00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:07,734 TONIGHT: BURNER PHONY. 11 00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:13,406 AND SANDRA BULLOCK TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT. 12 00:01:13,473 --> 00:01:19,679 PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: HANNAH GADSBY 13 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,514 AND MUSICAL GUEST BUFFALO NICHOLS 14 00:01:21,581 --> 00:01:25,418 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 15 00:01:25,485 --> 00:01:29,422 HUMAN. 16 00:01:29,489 --> 00:01:33,827 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 17 00:01:33,893 --> 00:01:40,233 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! 18 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:52,245 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WHAT'S UP? 19 00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:54,848 HELLO, FRIEND. HELLO. 20 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:57,150 WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S GOING ON, LEWIS? 21 00:01:57,217 --> 00:01:58,351 WHAT'S GOING ON. HAPPY TUESDAY. 22 00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:01,688 PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 23 00:02:01,754 --> 00:02:07,260 THANK YOU. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME, 24 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:11,397 EVERYBODY TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. 25 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:15,101 AND WE RIGHT NOW-- IS THIS TRUE? I DO HAVE THIS RIGHT-- WE ARE 26 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:23,543 ALMOST FIVE WEEKS INTO RUSSIA'S THREE-DAY CONQUEST OF UKRAINE 27 00:02:23,610 --> 00:02:25,411 AND WHILE PUTIN'S MONSTROUS WAR AGAINST THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE 28 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:28,047 CONTINUES TO GRIND ON, THERE HAVE BEEN SOME INTERESTING 29 00:02:28,114 --> 00:02:36,189 DEVELOPMENTS IN THE PEACE TALKS TAKING PLACE IN ISTANBUL. 30 00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:37,624 HERE'S ONE THING: TO SIGNAL THEIR WILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE, 31 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,993 THE RUSSIANS HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY REDUCE MILITARY 32 00:02:40,059 --> 00:02:41,427 ACTIVITY NEAR KYIV. AN AREA WHERE-- AND I'M SURE 33 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:47,333 THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE-- THEY ARE GETTING THEIR ASS 34 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,236 HANDED TO THEM BY THE UKRAINIANS. 35 00:02:50,303 --> 00:02:53,439 ( APPLAUSE ) IN A RELATED STORY FROM MARCH 36 00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:56,709 MADNESS, AFTER LOSING TO NORTH CAROLINA, ST. PETER'S HAS 37 00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:57,911 ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY REDUCE BASKETBALL ACTIVITY NEAR 38 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:05,418 THE FINAL FOUR. ( LAUGHTER ) 39 00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:12,225 CONTINUE, AND TODAY WE SAW A FEW SIGNS OF PROGRESS, INCLUDING 40 00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:16,229 UKRAINE'S PROPOSAL FOR A 15-YEAR PROCESS OF NEGOTIATIONS ABOUT 41 00:03:16,296 --> 00:03:21,100 THE STATUS OF CRIMEA. NOW, THAT'S VERY CLEVER. 42 00:03:21,167 --> 00:03:22,335 15 YEARS IS A LONG TIME, AND PUTIN'S NOT A YOUNG MAN. 43 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:25,572 IN 15 YEARS, HE'S GOING TO NEED ONE OF THOSE HORSES THAT GOES 44 00:03:25,638 --> 00:03:30,209 UP STAIRS. THEY SELL THOSE-- THEY ADVERTISE 45 00:03:30,276 --> 00:03:34,213 THOSE ON FOX. ( APPLAUSE ) 46 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:47,260 MARGINAL PROGRESS, THE VIBES AT THESE MEETINGS HAVE BEEN VERY 47 00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,228 UNEASY. THERE WERE REPORTS THAT THE 48 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:50,964 TALKS KICKED OFF WITH NO HANDSHAKE AND UKRAINE WARNED ITS 49 00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:52,599 NEGOTIATORS NOT TO EAT, DRINK, OR EVEN TOUCH ANYTHING. 50 00:03:52,665 --> 00:03:54,267 SO, BASICALLY, NEW YORK SUBWAY RULES. 51 00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,135 ( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF US WHO LIVE IN THE CITY, 52 00:03:56,202 --> 00:04:01,174 WHEN YOU COME HERE, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS KNOW, WHEN YOU MOVE 53 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:05,411 HERE THEY TEACH YOU THE RHYME: "IF IT'S RED, STAND INSTEAD 54 00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:10,216 IF IT'S BROWN, STAY DOWNTOWN IF IT'S WAXY, TAKE A TAXI." 55 00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:13,686 UKRAINE HAS GOOD REASON TO BE CAUTIOUS, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE 56 00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:18,992 FOUND OUT THAT IN EARLIER TALKS, UKRAINIAN PEACE NEGOTIATORS 57 00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,928 SHOWED SIGNS OF POISONING AFTER MEETING THE RUSSIANS. 58 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:28,067 POISONING PEACE NEGOTIATORS, OF OF COURSE OF THE CLASSIC JOHN 59 00:04:28,134 --> 00:04:33,606 LENNON SONG: ♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING 60 00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:39,846 IS GIVE PEACE A-- CHAAAAAGH! MY EYES! 61 00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:43,349 >> Stephen: ONE PERSONUC ONE PERSON-- STILL BEAUTIFUL. 62 00:04:43,416 --> 00:04:46,786 STILL A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE. ONE PERSON-- YOKO. 63 00:04:46,853 --> 00:04:51,758 THAT LAST PART WAS YOKO, I THINK. 64 00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:55,828 ONE PERSON-- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING SAYING THE 65 00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:59,599 SENTENCE. ONE PERSON WHO WAS POISONED WAS 66 00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:01,634 ROMAN ABRAMOVICH, OWNER OF THE CHELSEA SOCCER CLUB. 67 00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:04,303 OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE SUSPECT. HE MAY HAVE BEEN POISONED, BUT 68 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:05,471 YOU KNOW THOSE SOCCER GUYS. YOU JUST BRUSH PAST THEM AND 69 00:05:05,538 --> 00:05:10,209 THEY DO THIS: >> AHHH! 70 00:05:10,276 --> 00:05:16,215 I'M POISONED! >> Stephen: ONE OF THE STRANGEST 71 00:05:16,282 --> 00:05:21,454 DETAILS TO EMERGE WAS THAT THE VICTIMS CONSUMED ONLY CHOCOLATE 72 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:25,291 AND WATER IN THE HOURS BEFORE THE SYMPTOMS APPEARED. 73 00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:28,227 THAT CHOCOLATE? KILL KAT, MARSENIC BARS, AND 74 00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:33,433 CAD-BURY MY ENEMIES. ( LAUGHTER ) 75 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:39,405 A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND HE WAS ASKED A RIDICULOUS QUESTION BY A 76 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:40,907 RIDICULOUS MAN: FOX NEWS REPORTER AND THAT ONE KID IN 77 00:05:40,973 --> 00:05:45,411 HIGH SCHOOL WHO WEARS A SUIT TO GYM CLASS, PETER DOOCY. 78 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:49,415 JIMMY, DROP THE DEUCE. >> WHEN YOU SAID A CHEMICAL 79 00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:52,085 WEAPON USED BY RUSSIA WOULD TRIGGER A RESPONSE IN KIND? 80 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:53,419 >> IT WILL TRIGGER A SIGNIFICANT RESPONSE. 81 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:57,423 >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? >> I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU. 82 00:05:57,490 --> 00:06:00,293 WHY WOULD I TELL YOU? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SILLY. 83 00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:04,030 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: REMEMBER-- 84 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:09,502 ( APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER HOW ON LAST NIGHT'S 85 00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:16,242 SHOW I SAID THAT SLAPPING IS NEVER, EVER, EVER THE ANSWER? 86 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:21,547 I'D LIKE TO FILE A ONE-TIME EXCEPTION ON BEHALF OF THE 87 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:22,548 PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ( APPLAUSE ) 88 00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:29,222 IT'S WRONG! DOOCY DID NOT STOP THERE. 89 00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:30,289 >> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW. 90 00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:35,461 >> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW A LOT OF THINGS. 91 00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:37,196 I'M NOT TELLING THEM WHAT THE RESPONSE WOULD BE. 92 00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:40,233 THEN RUSSIA KNOWS THE RESPONSE. ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE TWO 93 00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,001 MORE QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: "UH, PETER DOOCY, 94 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,003 FOX NEWS. I'VE GOT TWO MORE QUESTIONS. 95 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:45,538 FIRST, WHAT ARE THE EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALL OF AMERICA'S 96 00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:49,442 TROOPS? AND CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NUCLEAR 97 00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:56,849 LAUNCH CODES? JUST TELL ME, IS ONE OF THEM A 98 00:06:56,916 --> 00:07:01,420 FOUR? CAN I BUY A VOWEL, 99 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:05,424 MR. PRESIDENT. I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE: 100 00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:09,428 ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR MAP." SPEAKING OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS, 101 00:07:09,495 --> 00:07:13,432 FORMER PRESIDENT COUP-PA-LOOMPA. THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE IS 102 00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:17,403 CLOSING IN ON HIM. YESTERDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED 103 00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:21,340 THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A 104 00:07:21,407 --> 00:07:24,610 CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN. 105 00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:28,181 YEAH, HIM CRIMING SEEMS LIKE A FAIR BET PRETTY MUCH ANY DAY. 106 00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:29,415 MATTER OF FACT, HERE'S A PIE CHART OF ALL OF HIS POTENTIAL 107 00:07:29,482 --> 00:07:36,522 ACTIVITIES: CRIME, CRIME, CRIME, CRIME, 108 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,858 GOLF, BURGER, STEAL BURGER AT THE GOLF COURSE. 109 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:52,305 ( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER GOOD INDICATOR THAT 110 00:07:52,371 --> 00:07:56,642 THERE'S A CRIME IS THAT THERE SEEMS TO BE A POORLY-EXECUTED 111 00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:58,277 COVER-UP GOING ON HERE. YOU SEE, THE COMMITTEE HAS THE 112 00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:01,414 WHITE HOUSE PHONE RECORDS FROM JANUARY 6, AND TODAY, WE FOUND 113 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:05,418 OUT THERE'S A GAP IN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S PHONE LOGS OF SEVEN 114 00:08:05,484 --> 00:08:09,422 HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, INCLUDING THE PERIOD WHEN THE CAPITOL WAS 115 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:14,961 BEING VIOLENTLY ASSAULTED. INSTEAD, FOR ALL OF THOSE HOURS, 116 00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:20,967 ALL THE WHITE HOUSE PHONE RECORDS JUST SAY, "SCAM LIKELY." 117 00:08:21,033 --> 00:08:24,437 SO NO CALLS ALL DAY LONG? IF YOU THINK THE INVESTIGATORS 118 00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:25,404 ARE WORRIED, IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT AT WENDY'S: 119 00:08:25,471 --> 00:08:27,673 ( PANICKED EMPLOYEE ) HASN'T CALLED. 120 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:29,342 THE BACONATORS ARE PILING UP. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT. 121 00:08:29,408 --> 00:08:32,411 CHECK THE DUMPSTER! MAYBE HE FELL ASLEEP IN THERE 122 00:08:32,478 --> 00:08:33,479 AGAIN!" ( LAUGHTER ) 123 00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:42,388 SEE, HE'S A RACCOON. THE PRESIDENT WAS A RACCOON. 124 00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:45,424 HERE'S THE THING: WE KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SPOKE TO PEOPLE 125 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:48,494 LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY AND JIM JORDAN DURING THOSE SEVEN 126 00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:51,130 HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, WHICH IS WHY THE HOUSE PANEL IS NOW 127 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:56,969 INVESTIGATING WHETHER HE COMMUNICATED THAT DAY THROUGH 128 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,304 BACK CHANNELS, INCLUDING USING "BURNER PHONES." 129 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:03,476 I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. I MEAN, HE ALREADY HAS A BURNER 130 00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:09,415 SON. LAST NIGHT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT 131 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,684 DENIED THE WHOLE THING, CLAIMING, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A 132 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,419 BURNER PHONE IS. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE I 133 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:16,555 HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD THE TERM." WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER 134 00:09:16,622 --> 00:09:20,626 HEARD OF SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN YOU DIDN'T USE IT. 135 00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:21,861 "YOUR HONOR, I CAN'T HAVE STABBED THAT MAN. 136 00:09:21,928 --> 00:09:24,931 I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A... K-NIF-EE?" 137 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:33,039 ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON A STORY 138 00:09:33,105 --> 00:09:34,307 FROM YESTERDAY ABOUT NORTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND 139 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:38,010 PHOTOGRAPH THAT CAME WITH THE FRAME, MADISON CAWTHORN. 140 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:41,147 YESTERDAY-- WAS IT YESTERDAY, JUST YESTERDAY. 141 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:44,450 YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE INTERVIEW CAWTHORN RECENTLY GAVE 142 00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:45,584 WHERE HE MADE SOME WILD CLAIMS ABOUT REPUBLICANS IN 143 00:09:45,651 --> 00:09:47,954 WASHINGTON, D.C. >> I LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE, 144 00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:49,422 AND A LOT OF THEM THAT I'VE LOOKED UP TO THROUGH MY LIFE 145 00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:55,094 ALWAYS PAID ATTENTION TO POLITICS, GUYS THAT-- THEN, ALL 146 00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:56,495 OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA 147 00:09:56,562 --> 00:09:57,697 HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR 148 00:09:57,763 --> 00:10:00,666 HOMES. YOU SHOULD COME! 149 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:04,937 WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME TO COME TO? 150 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:06,939 AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY. 151 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:08,841 OR THE FACT THAT THERE'S SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LEADING ON 152 00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:13,412 THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, THEN 153 00:10:13,479 --> 00:10:15,581 YOU WATCH THEM DOING A KEY BUMP OF COCAINE IN FRONT OF YOU. 154 00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:19,518 AND IT'S LIKE, THIS IS WILD. >> Stephen: YES, THAT IS WILD-- 155 00:10:19,585 --> 00:10:21,454 IN THAT HE ACTS VERY INNOCENT, AND YET CLEARLY KNOWS WHAT A 156 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:28,294 "KEY BUMP OF COCAINE" IS. NO SURPRISE, NO SURPRISE HIS 157 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,962 CLAIMS OF COCAINE-FUELED, FISCALLY-CONSERVATIVE FLESH PITS 158 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,630 RUFFLED A FEW REPUBLICAN FEATHERS, WHICH CAWTHORN SAYS 159 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:36,035 THEY USE TO DECORATE THEIR "EYES WIDE SHUT" MASKS. 160 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:40,306 ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL TICKLE PLAY. 161 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,042 SO RUFFLED WERE THOSE FEATHERS, THAT EARLIER TODAY, HOUSE 162 00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:48,948 MINORITY LEADER AND GUY AT THE ORGY COOLING HIS WANG IN THE 163 00:10:49,015 --> 00:10:52,284 SPINACH DIP-- ( LAUGHTER ) 164 00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:55,521 KEVIN-- YOU HAVE TO COOL IT DOWN EVERY SO OFTEN. 165 00:10:55,588 --> 00:11:03,162 IT'S LIKE A DRILL BIT. KEVIN McCARTHY, 166 00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:06,098 SORRY, WAS THAT SHOCKING LEWIS. I KNOW YOU'RE A NICE PERSON. 167 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:12,438 I KNOW YOU'RE A NICE PERSON. I APOLOGIZE. 168 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,873 McCARTHY FELT IT NECESSARY TO HOLD A MEETING IN WHICH 169 00:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,709 "MULTIPLE REPUBLICANS IN THE ROOM STOOD UP TO AIR THEIR ANGER 170 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,943 AND FRUSTRATION OVER CAWTHORN PORTRAYING HIS OWN COLLEAGUES 171 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:20,112 AS BACCHANALIAN AND SEXUAL DEVIANTS." 172 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,514 WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE UPSET. 173 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:25,418 BY NOT NAMING NAMES, CAWTHORN HAS IMPLICATED THE ENTIRE G.O.P. 174 00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:28,287 I MEAN, THE GUY WITH THE ORGY AND COCAINE COULD BE ANY 175 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:32,158 MATT GAETZ. ( LAUGHTER ) 176 00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:34,293 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 177 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,896 MY GUESTS ARE SANDRA BULLOCK AND COMEDIAN HANNAH GADSBY. 178 00:11:36,962 --> 00:11:39,065 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!" 179 00:11:39,131 --> 00:11:41,367 JOIN US, WON'T YOU? 180 00:12:20,339 --> 00:12:24,276 ( APPLAUSE ) BAND, EVERYBODY, STAY HUMAN, 181 00:12:24,343 --> 00:12:28,581 RIGHT THERE. COME ON! 182 00:12:28,647 --> 00:12:31,851 COME ON! ( APPLAUSE ) 183 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:39,525 MY FRIENDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 184 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:44,096 WONDERING, AS WE SAID LAST NIGHT, JON IS OUT IN LOS ANGELES 185 00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:48,601 GETTING READY FOR THE GRAMMYS, NOMINATED FOR 11 GRAMMIES THIS 186 00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:51,070 YEAR. IT TAKES A WHILE TO PREP FOR 187 00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:53,472 THAT. DO WE KNOW, HAS HE WON ANY YET? 188 00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:56,609 HAS HE WON ANY OF THEM YET? >> I THINK HE'S TWO UP. 189 00:12:56,675 --> 00:12:58,377 >> Stephen: REALLY? >> NO. 190 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,513 >> Stephen: NO, OKAY. YOU LIED TO ME, LEWIS. 191 00:13:00,579 --> 00:13:02,181 YOU LIED. >> SORRY. 192 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:06,385 >> Stephen: LEWIS, I HOLD IN MY HAND, WE HAVE TWO FANTASTIC 193 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:13,259 GUESTS TONIGHT, HANNAH GADSBY, A FANTASTIC COMEDIAN. 194 00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:15,995 AND THE WONDERFUL, THE TALENTED, SANDRA BULLOCK WILL BE ON THE 195 00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:17,163 SHOW TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE ) 196 00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:30,142 QUESTIONERT, BRAVE WOMAN. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW, 197 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:32,711 YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PATIENTLY AND 198 00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:35,281 ASTUTELY SCRUTINIZING THE BOXWOOD AND MAHOGANY CHESS SET 199 00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:37,216 OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, DEVELOPING THE CENTRAL 200 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,717 HEADLINE-PAWNS, DEFTLY MANEUVERING AN OHSO TOPICAL 201 00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:41,854 KNIGHT TO F-6, FEIGNING A CLASSIC SICILIAN-NAJDORF 202 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:44,256 VARIATION ON THE NEWS, ALL THE WHILE, SEEING EIGHT MOVES DEEP 203 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:48,527 AND PATIENTLY MARSHALING THE LATEST PRESS RELEASES INTO A 204 00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:54,500 FISCHER-SOZIN/LIPNITZKY ATTACK THAT CULMINATES IN THE ELEGANT, 205 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,735 LETHAL, SLOW-PLAYED EN PASSANT CHECKMATE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY 206 00:13:56,802 --> 00:14:00,239 MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, 207 00:14:00,306 --> 00:14:02,708 FOLKS-- ( APPLAUSE ) 208 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,976 I STARTLE AWAKE UPSIDE DOWN ON THE MONKEY BARS OF A CONDEMNED 209 00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,011 PLAYGROUND ON A SUPERFUND SITE, GET ALL HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS, 210 00:14:06,078 --> 00:14:11,150 RUMMAGE THROUGH A DISCARDED TAG SALE BAG OF DEFECTIVE TOYS, YANK 211 00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,452 OUT A FISTFUL OF DISEMBODIED DOLL LIMBS, TOSS THEM ON A 212 00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,154 STAINED KID'S PLACEMAT FROM A DEFUNCT DENNY'S, SET UP A TABLE 213 00:14:15,221 --> 00:14:17,856 INSIDE A RUSTY CARGO CONTAINER DOWN BY THE WHARF, AND CHALLENGE 214 00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:21,393 TOOTHLESS DRIFTERS TO THE GODLESS BUGHOUSE BLITZ 215 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,128 OF TOURNAMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 216 00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:31,136 MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 217 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:38,010 MASSES. MEANWHILE, A FOOT-TICKLING 218 00:14:38,077 --> 00:14:42,014 MACHINE HAS REVEALED WHICH PARTS OF THE FEET MAKE MEN AND WOMEN 219 00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:47,186 GIGGLE THE MOST. ACTUAL PROFESSIONALS BUILT AN 220 00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:51,423 ACTUAL FOOT-TICKLING MACHINE AND NAMED IT "TICKLEFOOT." 221 00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:54,360 ALSO THE NAME OF THE BOOTLEG CHINESE "TICKLE ME ELMO." 222 00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:59,131 SO WHAT DID TICKLEFOOT DISCOVER? TURNS OUT, FOR WOMEN, THE MOST 223 00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:01,600 TICKLISH IS BY THE CENTER OF THE ARCH, AND FOR MEN, IT IS 224 00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,135 SLIGHTLY CLOSER TO THE TOES. THAT'S GREAT. 225 00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:10,976 HEY, SCIENTISTS, WHILE I HAVE YOU, HOW'S THAT CANCER CURE 226 00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:15,147 NO, BY ALL MEANS, DO NOT RUSH THE WHOLE FOOT-TICKLING THING. 227 00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:19,151 MEANWHILE, IN VENICE, THE SPLASH MOUNTAIN OF ITALY, TOURISTS ARE 228 00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:23,155 BEING SUPPLIED WITH WATER PISTOLS AT SOME LUXURY HOTELS TO 229 00:15:23,222 --> 00:15:33,299 WARD OFF AGGRESSIVE SEAGULLS. THAT'S GOT TO BE A WEIRD TO 230 00:15:33,365 --> 00:15:35,134 CHECK-IN TO ONE OF THOSE FANCY HOTELS: 231 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:37,736 ( AS ITALIAN CONCIERGE ) HERE ARE YOUR ROOM KEYS, YOUR 232 00:15:37,803 --> 00:15:39,071 WATER PISTOLS FOR THE ANGRY SEAGULLS, AND THESE MACHETES ARE 233 00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,839 FOR THE PARTICULARLY LARGE RACCOONS. 234 00:15:40,906 --> 00:15:42,308 NATURE IS TRYING TO RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HERS. 235 00:15:42,374 --> 00:15:44,910 ENJOY YOUR STAY!" HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON: THE 236 00:15:44,977 --> 00:15:47,179 CITY'S BIRD POPULATION IS GETTING SO BOLD THAT THEY'VE 237 00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:49,315 STARTED TO SWOOP DOWN TO STEAL FOOD OUT OF UNSUSPECTING 238 00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:52,284 VISITORS' HANDS AS THEY DINE ON HOTEL TERRACES. 239 00:15:52,351 --> 00:15:55,154 EXPLAINS WHY VENETIAN RESTAURANT MENUS NOW SAY, "TODAY'S 240 00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:58,824 SPECIALS: WHATEVER OUR SEAGULL OVERLORDS DEEM UNWORTHY OF THEIR 241 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,161 RAVENOUS BEAKS. BUT SOME ARE ASKING FOR MORE 242 00:16:02,227 --> 00:16:05,831 PERMANENT SOLUTIONS, LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF THE VENICE 243 00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:10,002 HOTELIERS ASSOCIATION, WHO ARGUED THAT BIRDS OF PREY COULD 244 00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:11,937 BE THE ANSWER. OF COURSE, THAT'S HOW THE 245 00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:15,140 FORMULA ALWAYS WORKS. FIRST, YOU GET BIRDS OF PREY TO 246 00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,843 DEAL WITH THE SEAGULLS. THEN, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN THE BIRDS 247 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,144 OF PREY GET OUT OF HAND, YOU BRING IN BABOONS. 248 00:16:19,211 --> 00:16:20,979 AND WHEN THE BABOONS TAKE OVER ST. MARK'S SQUARE, YOU JUST 249 00:16:21,046 --> 00:16:23,148 BRING IN THE TIGERS. AND FROM THEN ON, IT'S 250 00:16:23,215 --> 00:16:27,486 TIGER-TOWN. PROBLEMA RISOLTO! 251 00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:35,127 ( LAUGHTER ) FOR ITS FIRST FIFA WORLD CUP I 252 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:39,331 ( APPLAUSE ) THEY'VE DONE IT. 253 00:16:39,398 --> 00:16:42,034 CANADA. FIFA. 254 00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:45,237 SOCCER. THEY'VE SCIENTIFICALLY 255 00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:48,040 ENGINEERED A HEADLINE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT. 256 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:55,147 ( LAUGHTER ) MICROPLASTICS IN PEOPLE'S BLOOD 257 00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:58,584 FOR THE FIRST TIME. SO, NOTE TO SELF: WHEN DISPOSING 258 00:16:58,650 --> 00:16:59,752 OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD, REMEMBER TO SEPARATE IT INTO THE 259 00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:07,159 RIGHT BINS. ( LAUGHTER ) 260 00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:12,030 A MAN PROTESTED HIS DENTIST WITH A GUITAR SOLO OUTSIDE THE DENTAL 261 00:17:12,097 --> 00:17:18,070 OFFICE. TAKE A LOOK: 262 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:27,479 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 263 00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:28,614 >> Stephen: OH, VERY ROCK AND 264 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:32,251 ROLL, BUT NOT UNPRECEDENTED. HE'LL NEVER MATCH THE RAW 265 00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:36,488 SEXUALITY OF WHEN LED ZEPPELIN DID THIS: 266 00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:41,193 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> DON'T GO TO THE SUPERCUTS 267 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:46,432 ON FRANKLIN AND MAIN. THEY DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR FIRST! 268 00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:48,600 >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO 269 00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:50,335 SANDRA BULLOCK. ♪ ♪ ♪ 270 00:18:11,523 --> 00:18:16,528 WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "THE LOST CITY," SANDRA BULLOCK. 271 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:20,432 SANDRA, SANDY, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO TALK TO YOU. 272 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:24,269 YOU KNOW I'M A BIG FAN, BESIDES BEING ONE OF YOUR CLOSEST 273 00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:25,504 FRIENDS. ( LAUGHTER ) 274 00:18:25,571 --> 00:18:30,742 HOWEVER MUCH WE MIGHT ENJOY THESE INTERVIEWS TOGETHER, IT'S 275 00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:36,615 VERY DIFFICULT TO GET TO KNOW A GUEST IN JUST, SAY, 12 OR 15 276 00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:43,288 MINUTES, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SO, I REALLY WANT TO PLUMB THE 277 00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,791 DEPTHS OF WHO THE REAL SANDRA BULLOCK IS. 278 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:51,563 SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," IN "LATE SHOW" 279 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:54,933 LABS, WE HAVE COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN 280 00:18:55,000 --> 00:19:01,573 CRYOGENICALLY SUSPENDED AND UNTHUNTHAWED ONLY IN THE NEED TO 281 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:06,945 UNCOVER-UP THE TRUTH OF A GUEST. ARE YOU READY TO FACE THESE 282 00:19:07,012 --> 00:19:11,283 CALIBRATED QUESTIONS THAT WILL PLUMB YOUR SOUL? 283 00:19:11,350 --> 00:19:14,219 >> I THINK I AM, YES. ♪ ♪ ♪ 284 00:19:14,286 --> 00:19:18,056 >> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION. SANDRA BULLOCK, WHAT IS THE BEST 285 00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:19,892 SANDWICH. >> OH. 286 00:19:19,958 --> 00:19:21,994 >> Stephen: YEAH, THESE AREN'T EASY QUESTIONS. 287 00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:26,698 >> "WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?" IF GENERAL, FOR ME, WHAT WOULD I 288 00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:28,333 ORDER. >> Stephen: FOR YOU. 289 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:35,040 >> "B" BLT. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE RATIO. 290 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,109 HOW MUCH "T" DO YOU FOUGHT YOUR "B"? 291 00:19:37,175 --> 00:19:41,046 >> I LIKE JUST ONE LAYER. I DON'T LIKE IT STACKED, BECAUSE 292 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:46,485 IT'S A CONSISTENCY THING. I'D RATHER HAVE MORE "B" AND 293 00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,954 "L." THE "T" IS FOR THE TANG. 294 00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,756 >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE "T" STANDS FOR. 295 00:19:50,822 --> 00:19:55,694 WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW 296 00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:59,531 OUT? >> OH, GOD, MY PESSIMISM? 297 00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:01,934 ( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT ANSWER. 298 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,270 >> YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE 299 00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:06,939 SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> SPIDERS. 300 00:20:07,005 --> 00:20:08,106 >> Stephen: I'M WITH YOU, I'M WITH YOU. 301 00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:11,410 >> I DON'T LIKE THEM. >> Stephen: THE EAST COAST IS 302 00:20:11,476 --> 00:20:16,415 GOING TO BE BLANKETED WITH THESE GYRO SPIDERS? 303 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:19,585 >> WHY. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT OUR IDEA. 304 00:20:19,651 --> 00:20:24,089 THEY PARACHUTE UP THE EAST COAST FROM THE CURRENT AND IT BE WILL 305 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,024 BE COVERING EVERYTHING. >> WHY NOW? 306 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:28,193 BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH? 307 00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:29,995 >> Stephen: BECAUSE THE MURDER HORNETS DIDN'T GET US. 308 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,432 >> OH,. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES? 309 00:20:33,498 --> 00:20:35,867 >> I CUT A LOT OF ORANGES FOR THE BABIES AT HOME, SO I'D SAY 310 00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:36,902 ORANGES. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER 311 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:39,871 ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH? 312 00:20:39,938 --> 00:20:41,006 >> YES. >> Stephen: WHO? 313 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,709 >> DANIEL RADCLIFFE. >> Stephen: YOU DID? 314 00:20:43,775 --> 00:20:45,143 RECENTLY? FOR YOU, OR FOR THE KIDS? 315 00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:47,346 >> FOR MY SISTER, AND FOR THE KIDS. 316 00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:51,249 BUT IT WAS MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY, AND SHE'S A HUGE "HARRY POTTER" 317 00:20:51,316 --> 00:20:55,187 FAN, SO I GOT HER AN AUTOGRAPH. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. 318 00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:58,190 WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE? 319 00:20:58,256 --> 00:21:00,792 >> HMM... >> Stephen: YEAH, BEST 320 00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:02,260 SANDWICH? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE. 321 00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,997 IT'S ALL IN HERE. >> OTHER THAN DECOMPOSITION. 322 00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:08,066 >> Stephen: THAT CAN BE IT, IF THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT. 323 00:21:08,133 --> 00:21:13,572 >> I THINK OUR ENERGY STAYS AROUND THE ONES WE LOVE. 324 00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:16,108 >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT. I HOPE SO. 325 00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:21,947 FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER ) 326 00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:29,521 AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS FALLS IN THE ACTION MOVIE-- THE FIRST 327 00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:30,889 "MATRIX. GLCHMENT THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE. 328 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:33,258 >> HUGE FAN. >> Stephen: QUALITY, QUALITY. 329 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,128 >> AMAZING, YEAH. >> Stephen: WINDOW ORILE? 330 00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:40,265 OR AISLE?>> WINDOW. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL? 331 00:21:40,332 --> 00:21:45,070 >> I LOVE THE SMELL THAT HAPPENS RIGHT-- IT'S LIKE RIGHT BEFORE 332 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:48,040 IT RAINS OR RIGHT AS IT RAINS. AND IT'S THAT SMELL OF THE EARTH 333 00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:51,443 AND ALL THE PLANTS GIVING OFF -- >> Stephen: THAT HOT DAY. 334 00:21:51,510 --> 00:21:57,683 >> YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED, PE TRACORE. 335 00:21:57,749 --> 00:22:02,254 I LEARNED THAT FROM-- IT WAS ABOUT TO STORM, AND I SAID I 336 00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:07,826 LOVE THAT SMELL. AND HE SAID YOU KNOW THAT'S 337 00:22:07,893 --> 00:22:09,728 CALLED PETROCORE. THAT'S HOW HE SPEAKS. 338 00:22:09,795 --> 00:22:11,196 >> Stephen: LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL? 339 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:17,002 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CLASSIC. 340 00:22:17,069 --> 00:22:23,208 ( LAUGHTER ) PHONE? 341 00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:27,212 >> PANDORA. >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS? 342 00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:29,915 >> DOGS, BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS. 343 00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:34,352 BUT RECENTLY WITH THE KID I'VE WATCHED SO MANY CAT, YOU KNOW, 344 00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:37,255 YOUTUBE CLIPS, I'M NOW SEEING THEM IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT. 345 00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:39,791 >> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST 346 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:45,530 OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? >> OH, MY GOD. 347 00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:46,998 ANYTHING BY PRINCE. I MEAN, YOU CAN'T -- 348 00:22:47,065 --> 00:22:49,534 >> Stephen: OKAY. ( APPLAUSE ) 349 00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:54,773 CORVETTE" FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 350 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,842 >> PROBABLY NOT THAT ONE. >> Stephen: YOU SAID ANYTHING, 351 00:22:56,908 --> 00:23:02,080 ANYTHING BY PRINCE. >> IT JUST-- PRINCE -- 352 00:23:02,147 --> 00:23:03,749 >> Stephen: "CREAM." >> SURE, GET ON TOP. 353 00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:08,053 >> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW THE SONG "CREAM?" 354 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:13,825 >> Stephen: SUPER BABY, TONIGHT YOU'RE THE STAR AND I'M 355 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,261 THE BIG DIPPER. >> BAY-BAY. 356 00:23:16,328 --> 00:23:19,464 THE BIG DIPPER. > Stephen: THE NEW POWER 357 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:20,332 REVOLUTION. >> ALWAYS. 358 00:23:20,398 --> 00:23:22,768 >> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF? 359 00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:27,639 >> SEVEN. ( LAUGHTER ) 360 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:37,115 OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. >> DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE 361 00:23:37,182 --> 00:23:39,284 IN SEVEN WORDS. >> Stephen: FIVE. 362 00:23:39,351 --> 00:23:47,859 >> FIVE. ( LAUGHTER ) 363 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,462 CAN I SQUEEZE TWO WORDS INTO ONE? 364 00:23:50,529 --> 00:23:51,797 NO? >> Stephen: YOU CAN HYPHENATE 365 00:23:51,863 --> 00:23:54,599 IT. WE'LL LET THE AUDIENCE JUDGE. 366 00:23:54,666 --> 00:23:59,871 >> JUST LIKE IT IS NOW. JUST LIKE IT IS NOW. 367 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,773 >> Stephen: THAT'S FIVE. JUST LIKE IT IS NOW. 368 00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:06,244 >> YES! ( APPLAUSE ) 369 00:24:06,311 --> 00:24:14,586 SANDRA BULLOCK IS KNOWN. GO SEE "THE LOST CITY." 370 00:24:14,653 --> 00:24:16,288 IT'S FUN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 371 00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:32,571 EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 372 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:36,942 MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY- AND PEABODY-WINNING COMEDIAN YOU 373 00:24:37,008 --> 00:24:42,647 KNOW BEST FOR HER NETFLIX SPECIALS, "NANETTE" AND 374 00:24:42,714 --> 00:24:44,216 "DOUGLAS." SHE HAS JUST WRITTEN A MEMOIR 375 00:24:44,282 --> 00:24:47,085 CALLED, "TEN STEPS TO NANETTE." PLEASE WELCOME, HANNAH GADSBY. 376 00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,687 LOVELY, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 377 00:24:48,753 --> 00:24:50,455 A PLEASURE. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 378 00:24:50,522 --> 00:25:01,399 >> Stephen: WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE 2,000 AND MMOW-MEOW. 379 00:25:01,466 --> 00:25:06,271 LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, THERE WERE NO MASKS, NO INOCULATIONS, 380 00:25:06,338 --> 00:25:07,205 NO PANDEMIC. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? 381 00:25:07,272 --> 00:25:10,475 >> I MEAN, FINE. THE WORLD'S ENDING. 382 00:25:10,542 --> 00:25:13,678 I'M FEELING FINE. I BELIEVE THAT'S A SONG, ISN'T 383 00:25:13,745 --> 00:25:14,479 IT. >> Stephen: YES. 384 00:25:14,546 --> 00:25:16,281 YOU ALSO DID NOT HAVE A BROKEN LEG. 385 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,350 >> NO, I DIDN'T. THAT'S NEW. 386 00:25:18,416 --> 00:25:19,417 >> Stephen: THAT IS. >> I BROKE MY LEG. 387 00:25:19,484 --> 00:25:21,453 >> Stephen: AND HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT? 388 00:25:21,519 --> 00:25:25,390 >> I FELL OVER. I WAS-- 389 00:25:25,457 --> 00:25:31,162 ( LAUGHTER ) TECHNICAL PLEASE. 390 00:25:31,229 --> 00:25:33,999 >> I'M FULL OF FACTS. LET ME ELABORATE THE. 391 00:25:34,065 --> 00:25:36,635 I WAS IN ICELAND AND I SLIPPED ON ICE. 392 00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:38,303 THEY -- >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE ODDS? 393 00:25:38,370 --> 00:25:40,372 >> THEY WERE NOT KIDDING. IT WAS ON THE LABEL AND I JUST 394 00:25:40,438 --> 00:25:41,840 DIDN'T ARE READ IT. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU-- 395 00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:45,243 WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT-- LIKE, WERE YOU ICE SKATING OR WERE 396 00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:47,279 YOU-- >> WELL, I WAS BRIEFLY. 397 00:25:47,345 --> 00:25:53,118 NO, I WAS JUST OUT FOR A STROLL. AND I-- IT WAS ON AN ISLAND THAT 398 00:25:53,184 --> 00:25:55,387 YOU CAN WALK TO, WHICH -- >> Stephen: WHAT? 399 00:25:55,453 --> 00:25:58,456 >> I KNOW! >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT AN 400 00:25:58,523 --> 00:25:59,257 ISLAND. >> I KNOW. 401 00:25:59,324 --> 00:26:01,793 BUT AT LOW TIDE YOU CAN WALK THERE. 402 00:26:01,860 --> 00:26:03,895 >> Stephen: OKAY. >> SO I WALKED THERE AT LOW 403 00:26:03,962 --> 00:26:06,398 TIDE, FELL. I BROKE MY FOOT OFF, BASICALLY, 404 00:26:06,464 --> 00:26:07,899 LIKE BOTH -- >> Stephen: YOU DID NOT BREAK 405 00:26:07,966 --> 00:26:12,570 YOUR FOOT OFF. >> WELL, NOT-- LIKE THE BONES 406 00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:15,840 WEREN'T ATTACHED. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE. 407 00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:16,741 JUST... ( LAUGHTER ). 408 00:26:16,808 --> 00:26:25,517 >> AND I WAS JUST WATCHING THE TIDE RISE. 409 00:26:25,583 --> 00:26:27,085 >> Stephen: WERE YOU BY YOURSELF? 410 00:26:27,152 --> 00:26:31,656 >> NO, I HAD A FRIEND WHO RAN AWAY, I THINK TO SAVE HERSELF. 411 00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:33,992 ( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH. 412 00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:36,594 >> Stephen: YOU'RE A TOTAL LOSS THEN. 413 00:26:36,661 --> 00:26:39,164 SHE JUST WROTE YOU OFF. >> WHAT I DISCOVERED THERE, IS I 414 00:26:39,230 --> 00:26:41,633 THOUGHT I COULD ARMY CRAWL, YOU KNOW. 415 00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:47,405 AND I THOUGHT, NO, THIS IS IT. THE WILL TO LIVE IS NOT STRONG 416 00:26:47,472 --> 00:26:49,741 IS WHAT I DISCOVERED. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET 417 00:26:49,808 --> 00:26:52,310 WHO SAVED YOU? >> A MAN IN A TRUCK CAME. 418 00:26:52,377 --> 00:26:55,647 AND HE MADE A SPLINT OUT OF A SPIRIT LEVEL AND RATCH EAT. 419 00:26:55,714 --> 00:27:00,618 >> Stephen: A SPIRIT LEVEL? >> YOU KNOW THE THINGS 420 00:27:00,685 --> 00:27:02,020 CARPENTERS USE. >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, SURE, 421 00:27:02,087 --> 00:27:04,055 SURE. >> IT WASN'T STRAIGHT AT ALL, 422 00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:08,326 AND THE RATCHET STRAPS. AND THEN HE GAVE ME A SLEEVE OF 423 00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:11,162 TYLENOL, YOU CALL IT HERE. AND HE SAID, "TAKE THIS. 424 00:27:11,229 --> 00:27:15,500 IT WILL NOT HELP." ( LAUGHTER ) 425 00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:20,005 >> Stephen: WHAT-- ANOTHER THING THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE THE 426 00:27:20,071 --> 00:27:22,941 LAST TIME I SAW YOU-- AND CONGRATULATIONS-- IS THAT YOU 427 00:27:23,008 --> 00:27:26,011 GOT MARRIED. WHO IS THIS LOVELY PERSON? 428 00:27:26,077 --> 00:27:34,019 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SPOUSE LADY. 429 00:27:34,085 --> 00:27:37,222 >> SPOUSE LADY JENNY. >> Stephen: HOW IS MARRIED 430 00:27:37,288 --> 00:27:39,290 LIFE TREATING YOU? IS IT SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT? 431 00:27:39,357 --> 00:27:43,428 >> I'M REALLY TAKING THE "IN SICKNESS" TO EXTREMES. 432 00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:46,931 BUT I THINK-- I LIKE IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HID IT FROM 433 00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:49,300 US GAYS FOR SO LONG. ( LAUGHTER ). 434 00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:51,269 SO GREAT. >> YES. 435 00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:54,005 >> Stephen: NOW, WE DIDN'T WANT TO, LIKE KNOW-- 436 00:27:54,072 --> 00:27:56,107 >> YEAH. I'M ENJOYING IT VERY MUCH. 437 00:27:56,174 --> 00:28:05,283 I CAN'T SPEAK FOR BOTH OF US. THAT'S WHY I PUT A RING ON IT. 438 00:28:05,350 --> 00:28:08,186 THE PAPERWORK, HARD TO BACK OUT. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A 439 00:28:08,253 --> 00:28:11,289 DIFFERENT PERSON MARRIED? LIKE, BECAUSE-- I THINK I'M A 440 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,992 DIFFERENT PERSON MARRIED. I KIND OF DOWNLOAD SOME OF MY 441 00:28:14,059 --> 00:28:16,394 MENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES TO MY WIFE AND SHE TO ME. 442 00:28:16,461 --> 00:28:18,596 HAS IT CHANGED HOW YOU BEHAVE IN ANY WAY? 443 00:28:18,663 --> 00:28:22,434 >> THE WAY I DESCRIBE OUR MARRIAGE IS LIKE CURLING. 444 00:28:22,500 --> 00:28:25,370 ( LAUGHTER ). SPORT CURLING? 445 00:28:25,437 --> 00:28:28,073 >> YEAH. I'M LIKE THE GIANT PUCK. 446 00:28:28,139 --> 00:28:31,376 >> Stephen: THE ROCK. >> AND WE SEND ME OUT AT THE 447 00:28:31,443 --> 00:28:33,945 BEGINNING OF THE DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. 448 00:28:34,012 --> 00:28:37,615 ( LAUGHTER ) GOING, "I'LL FIX IT. 449 00:28:37,682 --> 00:28:43,354 I'LL FIX IT." ( APPLAUSE ) 450 00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:48,393 >> Stephen: RIGHT. THEN SHE WAS NO USE WHATSOEVER. 451 00:28:48,460 --> 00:28:50,795 IS SHE THE PERSON ON THE HIKE WHO ABANDONED YOU? 452 00:28:50,862 --> 00:28:56,367 >> NO, SHE WENT TO GET THE MAN WITH THE TRUCK BUT I BURIED THE 453 00:28:56,434 --> 00:28:57,569 LEDE. >> Stephen: THE NEW BOOK YOU 454 00:28:57,635 --> 00:29:01,773 HAVE HERE, OF COURSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR GROUNDBREAKING 455 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,576 SPECIAL "NANETTE." THE NEW TOOK IS CALLED "TEN 456 00:29:04,642 --> 00:29:05,944 STEPS TO NANETTE." I'VE WRITTEN A BOOK. 457 00:29:06,010 --> 00:29:09,147 I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A MEMOIR. WHAT IS IT-- WHAT IS DIFFERENT 458 00:29:09,214 --> 00:29:14,619 THAN, LIKE, YOU DO VERY PERSONAL STORIES ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE 459 00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:17,789 IN STANDUP. WHAT IS DIFFERENCE IN DOING THAT 460 00:29:17,856 --> 00:29:20,291 AND A MEMOIR? >> I WANT MORE DETAILS. 461 00:29:20,358 --> 00:29:22,927 ON STAGE YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH A KACIALG THROE AWAY. 462 00:29:22,994 --> 00:29:28,133 AND I DID THIS THING, AND IT COMES BACK FROM THE EDITOR. 463 00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:29,434 BUT HOW? HOW DID YOU FEEL? 464 00:29:29,501 --> 00:29:31,970 WHAT WAS YOUR EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE?" 465 00:29:32,036 --> 00:29:35,006 I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS AN EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE? 466 00:29:35,073 --> 00:29:39,511 IT'S ICE. SO IT TOOK ME-- TOOK ME OVER 10 467 00:29:39,577 --> 00:29:41,546 YEARS TO WRITE THAT. ORIGINALLY, THIS WAS -- 468 00:29:41,613 --> 00:29:43,448 >> Stephen: 10 YEARS? >> YES. 469 00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:46,618 >> Stephen: AND "NANETTE" IS NOT 10 YEARS OLD. 470 00:29:46,684 --> 00:29:49,220 >> "A FEW STEPS" IT WAS CALLED, ISN'T IT? 471 00:29:49,287 --> 00:29:51,556 WE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE WE WERE GOING. 472 00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:53,758 >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE. >> ORIGINALLY IT WAS GOING TO BE 473 00:29:53,825 --> 00:29:56,227 A BOOK ABOUT ALL MY ACCIDENTS I'VE HAD. 474 00:29:56,294 --> 00:29:59,030 AND I'VE HAD MANY. THIS IS TIP OF THE ICEBERG, 475 00:29:59,097 --> 00:30:01,099 WHICH IS TRIGGERING. ( LAUGHTER ) 476 00:30:01,166 --> 00:30:07,472 AND AS I GOT THROUGH IT I COULDN'T WORK MYSELF OUT. 477 00:30:07,539 --> 00:30:11,643 I WAS LIKE, I DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE ANY SENSE AND I HAD THESE 478 00:30:11,709 --> 00:30:14,846 FUNNY STORIES AND I INTERROGATED MY EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE AND 479 00:30:14,913 --> 00:30:17,415 THOUGHT, OH, THAT'S NOT HAPPINESS. 480 00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:21,619 AND SO WRITING THIS IS WHAT ENDED UP PUSHING ME TOWARD 481 00:30:21,686 --> 00:30:24,889 WRITING "NANETTE" AS A SHOW TO SORT OF LIKE, "s HEY THESE ARE 482 00:30:24,956 --> 00:30:28,726 THE STORIES BEHIND THE LAUGHS, HA-HA." 483 00:30:28,793 --> 00:30:31,696 OW! AND THEN SO ONCE I WAS-- DID 484 00:30:31,763 --> 00:30:33,798 "NANETTE" I WAS ABLE TO FINISH THE BOOK. 485 00:30:33,865 --> 00:30:36,234 SO THEY HAD A SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP. 486 00:30:36,301 --> 00:30:37,802 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 487 00:30:37,869 --> 00:30:41,139 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK HANNAH HOW HER PARENTS FEEL 488 00:30:41,206 --> 00:30:43,341 ABOUT HER TALKING ABOUT THEM IN HER STANDUP. 489 00:30:43,408 --> 00:30:43,908 STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪ 490 00:30:52,684 --> 00:30:56,754 WE'RE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "TEN STEPS TO NANETTE," DA 491 00:30:56,821 --> 00:31:01,459 GA. YOU WRITE IN THE BOOK AND YOUR 492 00:31:01,526 --> 00:31:03,161 STANDUP MATERIAL. YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR PARENTS A 493 00:31:03,228 --> 00:31:05,964 LOT. ARE THEY OKAY WITH THAT? 494 00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:09,334 ( LAUGHTER ) >> AND FAIR ENOUGH. 495 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,037 BUT, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THE LOUD STICK. 496 00:31:13,104 --> 00:31:20,111 MY DAD'S FINE. HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE. 497 00:31:20,178 --> 00:31:21,946 ( LAUGHTER ). WANT. 498 00:31:22,013 --> 00:31:26,651 >> YEAH, HE'S FINE. THERE, GO ON. 499 00:31:26,718 --> 00:31:30,154 WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? >> Stephen: DID YOU SAY, 500 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:33,591 "WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?" HOW MANY KIDS IN YOUR FAMILY? 501 00:31:33,658 --> 00:31:36,928 >> I'M THE YOUNGEST OF FIVE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO, 502 00:31:36,995 --> 00:31:39,330 YEAH. AT YOUR AGE, YOU'RE THE YOUNG 503 00:31:39,397 --> 00:31:41,933 ONE. >> MOM IS NOT ALWAYS A FAN. 504 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:46,137 SHE'S-- SHE'S NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING ME KNOW WHEN SHE'S NOT 505 00:31:46,204 --> 00:31:47,005 IMPRESSED. >> Stephen: WITH THE MATERIAL. 506 00:31:47,071 --> 00:31:49,974 >> YEAH, SOMETIMES WHILE I'M ON STAGE. 507 00:31:50,041 --> 00:31:57,615 ( LAUGHTER ) >> SHE'S LIKE, "NO, DON'T 508 00:31:57,682 --> 00:32:04,289 ENCOURAGE HER. AND ONE TIME SHE SAID, "I DON'T 509 00:32:04,355 --> 00:32:06,691 SOUND LIKE THAT." AND OF COURSE, THAT'S EXACTLY 510 00:32:06,758 --> 00:32:09,994 WHAT SHE SOUNDS LIKE. AND I SAID, "YES, YOU DO." 511 00:32:10,061 --> 00:32:15,033 AND SHE SAID, "NO, I DON'T." AND THAT WENT ON FOR A GOOD FIVE 512 00:32:15,099 --> 00:32:16,668 MINUTES. >> Stephen: HAS SHE EVER DONE 513 00:32:16,734 --> 00:32:18,836 ANY PRESS? HAS HE BEEN INTERVIEWED HERSELF? 514 00:32:18,903 --> 00:32:21,472 >> I INTERVIEWED HER ONCE. IT WAS AWFUL. 515 00:32:21,539 --> 00:32:24,242 SHE DOES NOT OPEN UP. SHE'S VERY-- SHE'S A DIGNIFIED 516 00:32:24,309 --> 00:32:28,646 PERSON. I WOULD GIVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU 517 00:32:28,713 --> 00:32:31,749 TO INTERVIEW HER, THOUGH. SHE WOULD EAT YOU ALIVE. 518 00:32:31,816 --> 00:32:34,686 ( LAUGHTER ). ALIVE? 519 00:32:34,752 --> 00:32:38,723 >> OH, MY GOSH. SHE WOULDN'T-- SHE OF COURSE 520 00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:41,025 WOULDN'T DO IT. >> Stephen: I'LL-- WHY DON'T 521 00:32:41,092 --> 00:32:44,562 YOU BE HER AND I'LL ASK YOU QUESTIONS. 522 00:32:44,629 --> 00:32:47,732 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS-- WHAT 523 00:32:47,799 --> 00:32:50,034 WAS ( LAUGHTER ). 524 00:32:50,101 --> 00:32:53,037 OWN MUG. THAT'S NEEDY. 525 00:32:53,104 --> 00:33:03,715 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MRS. GADSBY. 526 00:33:03,781 --> 00:33:04,882 >> OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS HANNAH 527 00:33:04,949 --> 00:33:10,088 LIKE AS A CHILD? >> LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I 528 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:15,727 TOLD HER WHEN SHE ASKED ME THAT. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. 529 00:33:15,793 --> 00:33:26,637 ( LAUGHTER ) THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW HER 530 00:33:26,704 --> 00:33:29,207 PERFORM? >> WELL, I THOUGHT SHE COULD, 531 00:33:29,273 --> 00:33:34,512 YOU KNOW, SHUT UP A BIT. SHE MADE FUN OF ME. 532 00:33:34,579 --> 00:33:39,684 AND I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR. I MADE HER CLOTHES. 533 00:33:39,751 --> 00:33:42,687 SHE CALLED THAT HABERDASHERY ABUSE. 534 00:33:42,754 --> 00:33:47,058 ( LAUGHTER ) CHILDREN. 535 00:33:47,125 --> 00:33:49,193 DO YOU HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE CHILD? 536 00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:52,930 >> EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY. ( LAUGHTER ) 537 00:33:52,997 --> 00:33:56,300 TOE S. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE, 538 00:33:56,367 --> 00:33:58,770 SURE, SURE. >> BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE A 539 00:33:58,836 --> 00:34:01,205 CHILD, YOU TELL THEM DIRECTLY. ( LAUGHTER ) 540 00:34:01,272 --> 00:34:09,680 TELL ONE OF THE OTHERS AND IT WILL TRICKLE DOWN. 541 00:34:09,747 --> 00:34:13,084 ( LAUGHTER ). JOINING US, MRS. GADSBY. 542 00:34:13,151 --> 00:34:14,752 >> MY PLEASURE. >> Stephen: COULD I HAVE 543 00:34:14,819 --> 00:34:18,222 HANNAH BACK? >> SURE. 544 00:34:18,289 --> 00:34:22,693 YES, I CAN DO THAT. >> Stephen: WE, SO DEEPLY IN. 545 00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:24,695 >> METHOD. >> Stephen: DID YOU SHAKE IT 546 00:34:24,762 --> 00:34:26,464 OFF? DID YOU SHAKE IT OFF? 547 00:34:26,531 --> 00:34:28,166 >> SHE'S A LOT FUNNIER THAN I AM. 548 00:34:28,232 --> 00:34:30,334 >> Stephen: YOU WRITE ABOUT ART A LOT IN YOUR WORK. 549 00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:32,203 >> THANK YOU. ( LAUGHTER ) 550 00:34:32,270 --> 00:34:35,706 THANK YOU. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS 551 00:34:35,773 --> 00:34:38,643 PARTICULAR PIECE OF ART HAS SIGNIFICANT MEANING TO YOU. 552 00:34:38,709 --> 00:34:42,713 I'M JUST CURIOUS WHY. IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 553 00:34:42,780 --> 00:34:47,718 WHAT IS THIS? >> IT'S A PICTURE-- IT'S A 554 00:34:47,785 --> 00:34:58,596 CHAPEL, ACTUALLY. YOU KNOW THE-- YOU KNOW THE 555 00:34:58,663 --> 00:35:02,333 TURTLES, MICHELANGELO, RAFAEL. >> Stephen: LEONARDO. 556 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,535 >> YES. SO HE'S LIKE THE SPLINTER. 557 00:35:04,602 --> 00:35:08,773 HE BECAME BEFORE THEM, AND WAS LIKE, "DO IT THIS WAY." 558 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,909 THAT'S A DATED REFERENCE, BUT, YOU KNOW. 559 00:35:11,976 --> 00:35:14,445 ( SIES ) I REGRET THAT! 560 00:35:14,512 --> 00:35:18,683 >> Stephen: IT'S ONLY A 600-YEAR-OLD REFERENCE BUT GO 561 00:35:18,749 --> 00:35:19,884 AHEAD. WHAT HAPPENED HERE? 562 00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:24,188 >> I STUDIED ART HISTORY, AND I WAS ALWAYS JUST-- I WAS AN 563 00:35:24,255 --> 00:35:27,225 INTELLECTUAL PROCESS FOR ME, AND I WOULD SOMETIMES STAND IN FRONT 564 00:35:27,291 --> 00:35:29,627 OF ART WORKS AND GO, "YEAH, RIGHT, FINE." 565 00:35:29,694 --> 00:35:33,064 BUT I WENT IN, AND I FELT-- I FELT MOVED BY THAT. 566 00:35:33,130 --> 00:35:36,701 AND IT'S JUST THE QUALITY OF BLUE IN THERE. 567 00:35:36,767 --> 00:35:40,304 THE LAPIS-- >> Stephen: I WOULD CALL THAT 568 00:35:40,371 --> 00:35:43,808 A COBALT. >> OF COURSE YOU WOULD CALL IT 569 00:35:43,875 --> 00:35:46,210 COBALT. >> Stephen: AM I WRONG TO CALL 570 00:35:46,277 --> 00:35:49,881 THIS COBALT? >> NO. 571 00:35:49,947 --> 00:35:54,519 IT'S JUST YOU AND I. ( APPLAUSE ) 572 00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:59,824 TIME FOR. THE BOOK, "TEN STEPS TO 573 00:35:59,891 --> 00:36:05,062 NANETTE," IS AVAILABLE TODAY IT'S HANNAH GADSBY, EVERYBODY. 574 00:36:05,129 --> 00:36:05,997 THANK YOU, HANNAH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A 575 00:36:06,063 --> 00:36:07,965 PERFORMANCE BY BUFFALO NICHOLS. ♪ ♪ ♪ 576 00:36:26,150 --> 00:36:28,252 >> Stephen: MAKING HIS LATE- NIGHT TELEVISION DEBUT WITH 577 00:36:28,319 --> 00:36:31,489 "LOST AND LONESOME," FROM HIS SELF-TITLED ALBUM, 578 00:36:31,556 --> 00:36:35,426 BUFFALO NICHOLS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 579 00:36:35,493 --> 00:36:48,873 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 580 00:36:48,940 --> 00:36:54,111 ♪ IF YOU SEE ME IN YOUR TOWN 581 00:36:54,178 --> 00:36:56,881 ♪ LOOKING TIRED WITH MY HEAD 582 00:36:56,948 --> 00:37:03,854 ♪ HANGING DOWN YOU MAY WONDER 583 00:37:03,921 --> 00:37:08,893 ♪ WHAT WENT WRONG AND WHY AM I 584 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:15,833 ♪ ALWAYS ALL ALONE YEAH, WHY AM I 585 00:37:15,900 --> 00:37:27,845 ♪ ALWAYS ALL ALONE WELL, 586 00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:32,917 ♪ SINCE I COULD REMEMBER I'VE BEEN WANDERING 587 00:37:32,984 --> 00:37:35,553 ♪ ON MY OWN LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME 588 00:37:35,620 --> 00:37:42,960 ♪ SINCE I LEFT MY MOTHER'S HOME 589 00:37:43,027 --> 00:37:44,862 ♪ WELL, SINCE I COULD REMEMBER 590 00:37:44,929 --> 00:37:48,866 ♪ I'VE BEEN WANDERING ON MY OWN 591 00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:51,836 ♪ LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME SINCE I LEFT 592 00:37:51,902 --> 00:37:55,906 ♪ MY MOTHER'S HOME LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME 593 00:37:55,973 --> 00:38:00,878 ♪ SINCE I LEFT MY MOTHER'S HOME 594 00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:08,886 ♪ YOU MAY SAY, SAY I'VE GOT NO FRIENDS 595 00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:14,125 ♪ BUT WHO CAN YOU REALLY 596 00:38:14,191 --> 00:38:19,797 ♪ PUT YOUR FAITH IN IN THE END 597 00:38:19,864 --> 00:38:24,869 ♪ CAUSE IT'S HARD, HARD TO TRUST SOMEONE 598 00:38:24,935 --> 00:38:27,104 ♪ WHEN LOYALTY IS JUST A WORD 599 00:38:27,171 --> 00:38:31,742 ♪ THAT SLIPS OFF OF YOUR TONGUE 600 00:38:31,809 --> 00:38:33,110 ♪ LOYALTY IS JUST A WORD AND IT SLIPS OFF 601 00:38:33,177 --> 00:38:40,284 ♪ OF YOUR TONGUE I HAD TO ASK THE QUESTION: 602 00:38:40,351 --> 00:38:45,856 ♪ HOW YOU LEARN TO LOVE LIKE THAT? 603 00:38:45,923 --> 00:38:50,695 ♪ SHE TRIED TO ANSWER AS SHE PULLED THE KNIFE 604 00:38:50,761 --> 00:38:55,232 ♪ OUT OF HER BACK AND WHEN I ASKED 605 00:38:55,299 --> 00:39:00,137 ♪ THE QUESTION, HOW YOU LEARN 606 00:39:00,204 --> 00:39:04,875 ♪ TO LOVE AGAIN? YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER ANYWAY 607 00:39:04,942 --> 00:39:08,879 ♪ BUT IT'S BETTER WITH A FRIEND YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER ANYWAY 608 00:39:08,946 --> 00:39:12,883 ♪ AIN'T IT BETTER WITH A FRIEND? SOMETIMES I SEE 609 00:39:12,950 --> 00:39:21,859 ♪ AN OLD FRIEND 610 00:39:21,926 --> 00:39:28,866 SOMETIMES I SEE ♪ AN OLD FRIEND 611 00:39:28,933 --> 00:39:32,103 AND WE WILL TALK ♪ ABOUT THE PLACES 612 00:39:32,169 --> 00:39:33,838 THAT WE'VE BEEN ♪ BUT THEN WE GO 613 00:39:33,904 --> 00:39:48,786 OUR SEPARATE WAYS ♪ LOST AND LONESOME 614 00:39:48,853 --> 00:39:49,620 OUR SEPARATE WAYS ♪ LOST AND LONESOME 615 00:39:49,687 --> 00:39:56,894 'TIL THE END OF OUR DAYS ♪ ♪ ♪ 616 00:39:56,961 --> 00:39:57,895 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 617 00:39:57,962 --> 00:40:12,843 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 618 00:40:12,910 --> 00:40:16,881 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ 619 00:40:16,947 --> 00:40:21,285 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUFFALO NICHOLS 620 00:40:21,352 --> 00:40:23,821 EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." 621 00:40:23,888 --> 00:40:26,991 TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ELLE FANNING AND BEN 622 00:40:27,057 --> 00:40:29,293 SCHWARTZ. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 623 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:30,294 GOOD NIGHT.