REPORTING THAT WHITE HOUSE
RECORDS TURNED OVER TO CONGRESSIONAL INVESTIGATORS SHOW
A SEVEN-HOUR GAP IN PRESIDENT TRUMP'S PHONE LOGS FROM THE DAY
OF THE DEADLY SIEGE ON THE U.S. CAPITOL.
>> THERE IS A LISTING AT 11:17 A.M.
THE PRESIDENT TALKED ON A PHONE CALL TO AN UNIDENTIFIED PERSON.
( PHONE RINGING )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT: BURNER PHONY.
AND SANDRA BULLOCK TAKES THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.
PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: HANNAH GADSBY
AND MUSICAL GUEST BUFFALO NICHOLS
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WHAT'S UP?
HELLO, FRIEND. HELLO.
WHAT'S UP? WHAT'S GOING ON, LEWIS?
WHAT'S GOING ON. HAPPY TUESDAY.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME,
EVERYBODY TO "THE LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE RIGHT NOW-- IS THIS TRUE? I DO HAVE THIS RIGHT-- WE ARE
ALMOST FIVE WEEKS INTO RUSSIA'S THREE-DAY CONQUEST OF UKRAINE
AND WHILE PUTIN'S MONSTROUS WAR AGAINST THE UKRAINIAN PEOPLE
CONTINUES TO GRIND ON, THERE HAVE BEEN SOME INTERESTING
DEVELOPMENTS IN THE PEACE TALKS TAKING PLACE IN ISTANBUL.
HERE'S ONE THING: TO SIGNAL THEIR WILLINGNESS TO COMPROMISE,
THE RUSSIANS HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY REDUCE MILITARY
ACTIVITY NEAR KYIV. AN AREA WHERE-- AND I'M SURE
THIS IS JUST A COINCIDENCE-- THEY ARE GETTING THEIR ASS
HANDED TO THEM BY THE UKRAINIANS.
( APPLAUSE ) IN A RELATED STORY FROM MARCH
MADNESS, AFTER LOSING TO NORTH CAROLINA, ST. PETER'S HAS
ANNOUNCED THEY WILL SHARPLY REDUCE BASKETBALL ACTIVITY NEAR
THE FINAL FOUR. ( LAUGHTER )
CONTINUE, AND TODAY WE SAW A FEW SIGNS OF PROGRESS, INCLUDING
UKRAINE'S PROPOSAL FOR A 15-YEAR PROCESS OF NEGOTIATIONS ABOUT
THE STATUS OF CRIMEA. NOW, THAT'S VERY CLEVER.
15 YEARS IS A LONG TIME, AND PUTIN'S NOT A YOUNG MAN.
IN 15 YEARS, HE'S GOING TO NEED ONE OF THOSE HORSES THAT GOES
UP STAIRS. THEY SELL THOSE-- THEY ADVERTISE
THOSE ON FOX. ( APPLAUSE )
MARGINAL PROGRESS, THE VIBES AT THESE MEETINGS HAVE BEEN VERY
UNEASY. THERE WERE REPORTS THAT THE
TALKS KICKED OFF WITH NO HANDSHAKE AND UKRAINE WARNED ITS
NEGOTIATORS NOT TO EAT, DRINK, OR EVEN TOUCH ANYTHING.
SO, BASICALLY, NEW YORK SUBWAY RULES.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF US WHO LIVE IN THE CITY,
WHEN YOU COME HERE, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS KNOW, WHEN YOU MOVE
HERE THEY TEACH YOU THE RHYME: "IF IT'S RED, STAND INSTEAD
IF IT'S BROWN, STAY DOWNTOWN IF IT'S WAXY, TAKE A TAXI."
UKRAINE HAS GOOD REASON TO BE CAUTIOUS, BECAUSE YESTERDAY, WE
FOUND OUT THAT IN EARLIER TALKS, UKRAINIAN PEACE NEGOTIATORS
SHOWED SIGNS OF POISONING AFTER MEETING THE RUSSIANS.
POISONING PEACE NEGOTIATORS, OF OF COURSE OF THE CLASSIC JOHN
LENNON SONG: ♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING
IS GIVE PEACE A-- CHAAAAAGH! MY EYES!
>> Stephen: ONE PERSONUC ONE PERSON-- STILL BEAUTIFUL.
STILL A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE. ONE PERSON-- YOKO.
THAT LAST PART WAS YOKO, I THINK.
ONE PERSON-- I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M LAUGHING SAYING THE
SENTENCE. ONE PERSON WHO WAS POISONED WAS
ROMAN ABRAMOVICH, OWNER OF THE CHELSEA SOCCER CLUB.
OKAY, THAT'S A LITTLE SUSPECT. HE MAY HAVE BEEN POISONED, BUT
YOU KNOW THOSE SOCCER GUYS. YOU JUST BRUSH PAST THEM AND
THEY DO THIS: >> AHHH!
I'M POISONED! >> Stephen: ONE OF THE STRANGEST
DETAILS TO EMERGE WAS THAT THE VICTIMS CONSUMED ONLY CHOCOLATE
AND WATER IN THE HOURS BEFORE THE SYMPTOMS APPEARED.
THAT CHOCOLATE? KILL KAT, MARSENIC BARS, AND
CAD-BURY MY ENEMIES. ( LAUGHTER )
A PRESS CONFERENCE, AND HE WAS ASKED A RIDICULOUS QUESTION BY A
RIDICULOUS MAN: FOX NEWS REPORTER AND THAT ONE KID IN
HIGH SCHOOL WHO WEARS A SUIT TO GYM CLASS, PETER DOOCY.
JIMMY, DROP THE DEUCE. >> WHEN YOU SAID A CHEMICAL
WEAPON USED BY RUSSIA WOULD TRIGGER A RESPONSE IN KIND?
>> IT WILL TRIGGER A SIGNIFICANT RESPONSE.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? >> I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
WHY WOULD I TELL YOU? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SILLY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: REMEMBER--
( APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER HOW ON LAST NIGHT'S
SHOW I SAID THAT SLAPPING IS NEVER, EVER, EVER THE ANSWER?
I'D LIKE TO FILE A ONE-TIME EXCEPTION ON BEHALF OF THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S WRONG! DOOCY DID NOT STOP THERE.
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW.
>> THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW A LOT OF THINGS.
I'M NOT TELLING THEM WHAT THE RESPONSE WOULD BE.
THEN RUSSIA KNOWS THE RESPONSE. ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA TAKE TWO
MORE QUESTIONS. >> Stephen: "UH, PETER DOOCY,
FOX NEWS. I'VE GOT TWO MORE QUESTIONS.
FIRST, WHAT ARE THE EXACT LOCATIONS OF ALL OF AMERICA'S
TROOPS? AND CAN YOU GIVE ME THE NUCLEAR
LAUNCH CODES? JUST TELL ME, IS ONE OF THEM A
FOUR? CAN I BUY A VOWEL,
MR. PRESIDENT. I'D LIKE TO SOLVE THE PUZZLE:
ANOTHER FEATHER IN YOUR MAP." SPEAKING OF FOX NEWS VIEWERS,
FORMER PRESIDENT COUP-PA-LOOMPA. THE JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE IS
CLOSING IN ON HIM. YESTERDAY, A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A
CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN.
YEAH, HIM CRIMING SEEMS LIKE A FAIR BET PRETTY MUCH ANY DAY.
MATTER OF FACT, HERE'S A PIE CHART OF ALL OF HIS POTENTIAL
ACTIVITIES: CRIME, CRIME, CRIME, CRIME,
GOLF, BURGER, STEAL BURGER AT THE GOLF COURSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER GOOD INDICATOR THAT
THERE'S A CRIME IS THAT THERE SEEMS TO BE A POORLY-EXECUTED
COVER-UP GOING ON HERE. YOU SEE, THE COMMITTEE HAS THE
WHITE HOUSE PHONE RECORDS FROM JANUARY 6, AND TODAY, WE FOUND
OUT THERE'S A GAP IN THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S PHONE LOGS OF SEVEN
HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, INCLUDING THE PERIOD WHEN THE CAPITOL WAS
BEING VIOLENTLY ASSAULTED. INSTEAD, FOR ALL OF THOSE HOURS,
ALL THE WHITE HOUSE PHONE RECORDS JUST SAY, "SCAM LIKELY."
SO NO CALLS ALL DAY LONG? IF YOU THINK THE INVESTIGATORS
ARE WORRIED, IMAGINE HOW THEY FELT AT WENDY'S:
( PANICKED EMPLOYEE ) HASN'T CALLED.
THE BACONATORS ARE PILING UP. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT.
CHECK THE DUMPSTER! MAYBE HE FELL ASLEEP IN THERE
AGAIN!" ( LAUGHTER )
SEE, HE'S A RACCOON. THE PRESIDENT WAS A RACCOON.
HERE'S THE THING: WE KNOW THE FORMER PRESIDENT SPOKE TO PEOPLE
LIKE KEVIN McCARTHY AND JIM JORDAN DURING THOSE SEVEN
HOURS AND 37 MINUTES, WHICH IS WHY THE HOUSE PANEL IS NOW
INVESTIGATING WHETHER HE COMMUNICATED THAT DAY THROUGH
BACK CHANNELS, INCLUDING USING "BURNER PHONES."
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED. I MEAN, HE ALREADY HAS A BURNER
SON. LAST NIGHT, THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DENIED THE WHOLE THING, CLAIMING, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT A
BURNER PHONE IS. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE I
HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD THE TERM." WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE NEVER
HEARD OF SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN YOU DIDN'T USE IT.
"YOUR HONOR, I CAN'T HAVE STABBED THAT MAN.
I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF A... K-NIF-EE?"
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT AN UPDATE ON A STORY
FROM YESTERDAY ABOUT NORTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND
PHOTOGRAPH THAT CAME WITH THE FRAME, MADISON CAWTHORN.
YESTERDAY-- WAS IT YESTERDAY, JUST YESTERDAY.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE INTERVIEW CAWTHORN RECENTLY GAVE
WHERE HE MADE SOME WILD CLAIMS ABOUT REPUBLICANS IN
WASHINGTON, D.C. >> I LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE,
AND A LOT OF THEM THAT I'VE LOOKED UP TO THROUGH MY LIFE
ALWAYS PAID ATTENTION TO POLITICS, GUYS THAT-- THEN, ALL
OF A SUDDEN, YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, WELL, HEY, WE'RE GONNA
HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER AT ONE OF OUR
HOMES. YOU SHOULD COME!
WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME TO COME TO?
AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.
OR THE FACT THAT THERE'S SOME OF THE PEOPLE THAT ARE LEADING ON
THE MOVEMENT TO TRY AND REMOVE ADDICTION IN OUR COUNTRY, THEN
YOU WATCH THEM DOING A KEY BUMP OF COCAINE IN FRONT OF YOU.
AND IT'S LIKE, THIS IS WILD. >> Stephen: YES, THAT IS WILD--
IN THAT HE ACTS VERY INNOCENT, AND YET CLEARLY KNOWS WHAT A
"KEY BUMP OF COCAINE" IS. NO SURPRISE, NO SURPRISE HIS
CLAIMS OF COCAINE-FUELED, FISCALLY-CONSERVATIVE FLESH PITS
RUFFLED A FEW REPUBLICAN FEATHERS, WHICH CAWTHORN SAYS
THEY USE TO DECORATE THEIR "EYES WIDE SHUT" MASKS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL TICKLE PLAY.
SO RUFFLED WERE THOSE FEATHERS, THAT EARLIER TODAY, HOUSE
MINORITY LEADER AND GUY AT THE ORGY COOLING HIS WANG IN THE
SPINACH DIP-- ( LAUGHTER )
KEVIN-- YOU HAVE TO COOL IT DOWN EVERY SO OFTEN.
IT'S LIKE A DRILL BIT. KEVIN McCARTHY,
SORRY, WAS THAT SHOCKING LEWIS. I KNOW YOU'RE A NICE PERSON.
I APOLOGIZE.
McCARTHY FELT IT NECESSARY TO HOLD A MEETING IN WHICH
"MULTIPLE REPUBLICANS IN THE ROOM STOOD UP TO AIR THEIR ANGER
AND FRUSTRATION OVER CAWTHORN PORTRAYING HIS OWN COLLEAGUES
AS BACCHANALIAN AND SEXUAL DEVIANTS."
WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY THEY'RE UPSET.
BY NOT NAMING NAMES, CAWTHORN HAS IMPLICATED THE ENTIRE G.O.P.
I MEAN, THE GUY WITH THE ORGY AND COCAINE COULD BE ANY
MATT GAETZ. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE SANDRA BULLOCK AND COMEDIAN HANNAH GADSBY.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
( APPLAUSE ) BAND, EVERYBODY, STAY HUMAN,
RIGHT THERE. COME ON!
( APPLAUSE )
MY FRIENDS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WONDERING, AS WE SAID LAST NIGHT, JON IS OUT IN LOS ANGELES
GETTING READY FOR THE GRAMMYS, NOMINATED FOR 11 GRAMMIES THIS
YEAR. IT TAKES A WHILE TO PREP FOR
THAT. DO WE KNOW, HAS HE WON ANY YET?
HAS HE WON ANY OF THEM YET? >> I THINK HE'S TWO UP.
>> Stephen: REALLY? >> NO.
>> Stephen: NO, OKAY. YOU LIED TO ME, LEWIS.
YOU LIED. >> SORRY.
>> Stephen: LEWIS, I HOLD IN MY HAND, WE HAVE TWO FANTASTIC
GUESTS TONIGHT, HANNAH GADSBY, A FANTASTIC COMEDIAN.
AND THE WONDERFUL, THE TALENTED, SANDRA BULLOCK WILL BE ON THE
SHOW TONIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
QUESTIONERT, BRAVE WOMAN. FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PATIENTLY AND
ASTUTELY SCRUTINIZING THE BOXWOOD AND MAHOGANY CHESS SET
OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, DEVELOPING THE CENTRAL
HEADLINE-PAWNS, DEFTLY MANEUVERING AN OHSO TOPICAL
KNIGHT TO F-6, FEIGNING A CLASSIC SICILIAN-NAJDORF
VARIATION ON THE NEWS, ALL THE WHILE, SEEING EIGHT MOVES DEEP
AND PATIENTLY MARSHALING THE LATEST PRESS RELEASES INTO A
FISCHER-SOZIN/LIPNITZKY ATTACK THAT CULMINATES IN THE ELEGANT,
LETHAL, SLOW-PLAYED EN PASSANT CHECKMATE THAT IS MY NIGHTLY
MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES,
FOLKS-- ( APPLAUSE )
I STARTLE AWAKE UPSIDE DOWN ON THE MONKEY BARS OF A CONDEMNED
PLAYGROUND ON A SUPERFUND SITE, GET ALL HEPPED UP ON GOOFBALLS,
RUMMAGE THROUGH A DISCARDED TAG SALE BAG OF DEFECTIVE TOYS, YANK
OUT A FISTFUL OF DISEMBODIED DOLL LIMBS, TOSS THEM ON A
STAINED KID'S PLACEMAT FROM A DEFUNCT DENNY'S, SET UP A TABLE
INSIDE A RUSTY CARGO CONTAINER DOWN BY THE WHARF, AND CHALLENGE
TOOTHLESS DRIFTERS TO THE GODLESS BUGHOUSE BLITZ
OF TOURNAMENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MASSES. MEANWHILE, A FOOT-TICKLING
MACHINE HAS REVEALED WHICH PARTS OF THE FEET MAKE MEN AND WOMEN
GIGGLE THE MOST. ACTUAL PROFESSIONALS BUILT AN
ACTUAL FOOT-TICKLING MACHINE AND NAMED IT "TICKLEFOOT."
ALSO THE NAME OF THE BOOTLEG CHINESE "TICKLE ME ELMO."
SO WHAT DID TICKLEFOOT DISCOVER? TURNS OUT, FOR WOMEN, THE MOST
TICKLISH IS BY THE CENTER OF THE ARCH, AND FOR MEN, IT IS
SLIGHTLY CLOSER TO THE TOES. THAT'S GREAT.
HEY, SCIENTISTS, WHILE I HAVE YOU, HOW'S THAT CANCER CURE
NO, BY ALL MEANS, DO NOT RUSH THE WHOLE FOOT-TICKLING THING.
MEANWHILE, IN VENICE, THE SPLASH MOUNTAIN OF ITALY, TOURISTS ARE
BEING SUPPLIED WITH WATER PISTOLS AT SOME LUXURY HOTELS TO
WARD OFF AGGRESSIVE SEAGULLS. THAT'S GOT TO BE A WEIRD TO
CHECK-IN TO ONE OF THOSE FANCY HOTELS:
( AS ITALIAN CONCIERGE ) HERE ARE YOUR ROOM KEYS, YOUR
WATER PISTOLS FOR THE ANGRY SEAGULLS, AND THESE MACHETES ARE
FOR THE PARTICULARLY LARGE RACCOONS.
NATURE IS TRYING TO RECLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY HERS.
ENJOY YOUR STAY!" HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON: THE
CITY'S BIRD POPULATION IS GETTING SO BOLD THAT THEY'VE
STARTED TO SWOOP DOWN TO STEAL FOOD OUT OF UNSUSPECTING
VISITORS' HANDS AS THEY DINE ON HOTEL TERRACES.
EXPLAINS WHY VENETIAN RESTAURANT MENUS NOW SAY, "TODAY'S
SPECIALS: WHATEVER OUR SEAGULL OVERLORDS DEEM UNWORTHY OF THEIR
RAVENOUS BEAKS. BUT SOME ARE ASKING FOR MORE
PERMANENT SOLUTIONS, LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF THE VENICE
HOTELIERS ASSOCIATION, WHO ARGUED THAT BIRDS OF PREY COULD
BE THE ANSWER. OF COURSE, THAT'S HOW THE
FORMULA ALWAYS WORKS. FIRST, YOU GET BIRDS OF PREY TO
DEAL WITH THE SEAGULLS. THEN, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN THE BIRDS
OF PREY GET OUT OF HAND, YOU BRING IN BABOONS.
AND WHEN THE BABOONS TAKE OVER ST. MARK'S SQUARE, YOU JUST
BRING IN THE TIGERS. AND FROM THEN ON, IT'S
TIGER-TOWN. PROBLEMA RISOLTO!
( LAUGHTER ) FOR ITS FIRST FIFA WORLD CUP I
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'VE DONE IT.
CANADA. FIFA.
SOCCER. THEY'VE SCIENTIFICALLY
ENGINEERED A HEADLINE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO CARE ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) MICROPLASTICS IN PEOPLE'S BLOOD
FOR THE FIRST TIME. SO, NOTE TO SELF: WHEN DISPOSING
OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD, REMEMBER TO SEPARATE IT INTO THE
RIGHT BINS. ( LAUGHTER )
A MAN PROTESTED HIS DENTIST WITH A GUITAR SOLO OUTSIDE THE DENTAL
OFFICE. TAKE A LOOK:
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OH, VERY ROCK AND
ROLL, BUT NOT UNPRECEDENTED. HE'LL NEVER MATCH THE RAW
SEXUALITY OF WHEN LED ZEPPELIN DID THIS:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> DON'T GO TO THE SUPERCUTS
ON FRANKLIN AND MAIN. THEY DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR FIRST!
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK, I GIVE THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT TO
SANDRA BULLOCK. ♪ ♪ ♪
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE STAR OF "THE LOST CITY," SANDRA BULLOCK.
SANDRA, SANDY, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO TALK TO YOU.
YOU KNOW I'M A BIG FAN, BESIDES BEING ONE OF YOUR CLOSEST
FRIENDS. ( LAUGHTER )
HOWEVER MUCH WE MIGHT ENJOY THESE INTERVIEWS TOGETHER, IT'S
VERY DIFFICULT TO GET TO KNOW A GUEST IN JUST, SAY, 12 OR 15
MINUTES, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. SO, I REALLY WANT TO PLUMB THE
DEPTHS OF WHO THE REAL SANDRA BULLOCK IS.
SO WHAT WE HAVE DONE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW," IN "LATE SHOW"
LABS, WE HAVE COME UP WITH 15 QUESTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN
CRYOGENICALLY SUSPENDED AND UNTHUNTHAWED ONLY IN THE NEED TO
UNCOVER-UP THE TRUTH OF A GUEST. ARE YOU READY TO FACE THESE
CALIBRATED QUESTIONS THAT WILL PLUMB YOUR SOUL?
>> I THINK I AM, YES. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: FIRST QUESTION. SANDRA BULLOCK, WHAT IS THE BEST
SANDWICH. >> OH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THESE AREN'T EASY QUESTIONS.
>> "WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?" IF GENERAL, FOR ME, WHAT WOULD I
ORDER. >> Stephen: FOR YOU.
>> "B" BLT. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE RATIO.
HOW MUCH "T" DO YOU FOUGHT YOUR "B"?
>> I LIKE JUST ONE LAYER. I DON'T LIKE IT STACKED, BECAUSE
IT'S A CONSISTENCY THING. I'D RATHER HAVE MORE "B" AND
"L." THE "T" IS FOR THE TANG.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE "T" STANDS FOR.
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU OWN THAT YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW
OUT? >> OH, GOD, MY PESSIMISM?
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THAT ANSWER.
>> YEAH, YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
SCARIEST ANIMAL? >> SPIDERS.
>> Stephen: I'M WITH YOU, I'M WITH YOU.
>> I DON'T LIKE THEM. >> Stephen: THE EAST COAST IS
GOING TO BE BLANKETED WITH THESE GYRO SPIDERS?
>> WHY. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT OUR IDEA.
THEY PARACHUTE UP THE EAST COAST FROM THE CURRENT AND IT BE WILL
BE COVERING EVERYTHING. >> WHY NOW?
BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T BAD ENOUGH?
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE MURDER HORNETS DIDN'T GET US.
>> OH,. >> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES?
>> I CUT A LOT OF ORANGES FOR THE BABIES AT HOME, SO I'D SAY
ORANGES. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
ASKED SOMEONE FOR THEIR AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES. >> Stephen: WHO?
>> DANIEL RADCLIFFE. >> Stephen: YOU DID?
RECENTLY? FOR YOU, OR FOR THE KIDS?
>> FOR MY SISTER, AND FOR THE KIDS.
BUT IT WAS MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY, AND SHE'S A HUGE "HARRY POTTER"
FAN, SO I GOT HER AN AUTOGRAPH. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?
>> HMM... >> Stephen: YEAH, BEST
SANDWICH? WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE.
IT'S ALL IN HERE. >> OTHER THAN DECOMPOSITION.
>> Stephen: THAT CAN BE IT, IF THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT.
>> I THINK OUR ENERGY STAYS AROUND THE ONES WE LOVE.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT. I HOPE SO.
FAVORITE ACTION MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS FALLS IN THE ACTION MOVIE-- THE FIRST
"MATRIX. GLCHMENT THAT'S AN ACTION MOVIE.
>> HUGE FAN. >> Stephen: QUALITY, QUALITY.
>> AMAZING, YEAH. >> Stephen: WINDOW ORILE?
OR AISLE?>> WINDOW. >> Stephen: FAVORITE SMELL?
>> I LOVE THE SMELL THAT HAPPENS RIGHT-- IT'S LIKE RIGHT BEFORE
IT RAINS OR RIGHT AS IT RAINS. AND IT'S THAT SMELL OF THE EARTH
AND ALL THE PLANTS GIVING OFF -- >> Stephen: THAT HOT DAY.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S CALLED, PE TRACORE.
I LEARNED THAT FROM-- IT WAS ABOUT TO STORM, AND I SAID I
LOVE THAT SMELL. AND HE SAID YOU KNOW THAT'S
CALLED PETROCORE. THAT'S HOW HE SPEAKS.
>> Stephen: LEAST-FAVORITE SMELL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: CLASSIC.
( LAUGHTER ) PHONE?
>> PANDORA. >> Stephen: CATS OR DOGS?
>> DOGS, BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO CATS.
BUT RECENTLY WITH THE KID I'VE WATCHED SO MANY CAT, YOU KNOW,
YOUTUBE CLIPS, I'M NOW SEEING THEM IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOU ONLY GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST
OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT IS IT? >> OH, MY GOD.
ANYTHING BY PRINCE. I MEAN, YOU CAN'T --
>> Stephen: OKAY. ( APPLAUSE )
CORVETTE" FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
>> PROBABLY NOT THAT ONE. >> Stephen: YOU SAID ANYTHING,
ANYTHING BY PRINCE. >> IT JUST-- PRINCE --
>> Stephen: "CREAM." >> SURE, GET ON TOP.
>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW THE SONG "CREAM?"
>> Stephen: SUPER BABY, TONIGHT YOU'RE THE STAR AND I'M
THE BIG DIPPER. >> BAY-BAY.
THE BIG DIPPER. > Stephen: THE NEW POWER
REVOLUTION. >> ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SEVEN. ( LAUGHTER )
OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS. >> DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE
IN SEVEN WORDS. >> Stephen: FIVE.
>> FIVE. ( LAUGHTER )
CAN I SQUEEZE TWO WORDS INTO ONE?
NO? >> Stephen: YOU CAN HYPHENATE
IT. WE'LL LET THE AUDIENCE JUDGE.
>> JUST LIKE IT IS NOW. JUST LIKE IT IS NOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S FIVE. JUST LIKE IT IS NOW.
>> YES! ( APPLAUSE )
SANDRA BULLOCK IS KNOWN. GO SEE "THE LOST CITY."
IT'S FUN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
EVERYBODY. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN EMMY- AND PEABODY-WINNING COMEDIAN YOU
KNOW BEST FOR HER NETFLIX SPECIALS, "NANETTE" AND
"DOUGLAS." SHE HAS JUST WRITTEN A MEMOIR
CALLED, "TEN STEPS TO NANETTE." PLEASE WELCOME, HANNAH GADSBY.
LOVELY, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
A PLEASURE. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE NOT SPOKEN SINCE 2,000 AND MMOW-MEOW.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, THERE WERE NO MASKS, NO INOCULATIONS,
NO PANDEMIC. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> I MEAN, FINE. THE WORLD'S ENDING.
I'M FEELING FINE. I BELIEVE THAT'S A SONG, ISN'T
IT. >> Stephen: YES.
YOU ALSO DID NOT HAVE A BROKEN LEG.
>> NO, I DIDN'T. THAT'S NEW.
>> Stephen: THAT IS. >> I BROKE MY LEG.
>> Stephen: AND HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT?
>> I FELL OVER. I WAS--
( LAUGHTER ) TECHNICAL PLEASE.
>> I'M FULL OF FACTS. LET ME ELABORATE THE.
I WAS IN ICELAND AND I SLIPPED ON ICE.
THEY -- >> Stephen: WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
>> THEY WERE NOT KIDDING. IT WAS ON THE LABEL AND I JUST
DIDN'T ARE READ IT. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU--
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THAT-- LIKE, WERE YOU ICE SKATING OR WERE
YOU-- >> WELL, I WAS BRIEFLY.
NO, I WAS JUST OUT FOR A STROLL. AND I-- IT WAS ON AN ISLAND THAT
YOU CAN WALK TO, WHICH -- >> Stephen: WHAT?
>> I KNOW! >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT AN
ISLAND. >> I KNOW.
BUT AT LOW TIDE YOU CAN WALK THERE.
>> Stephen: OKAY. >> SO I WALKED THERE AT LOW
TIDE, FELL. I BROKE MY FOOT OFF, BASICALLY,
LIKE BOTH -- >> Stephen: YOU DID NOT BREAK
YOUR FOOT OFF. >> WELL, NOT-- LIKE THE BONES
WEREN'T ATTACHED. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE.
JUST... ( LAUGHTER ).
>> AND I WAS JUST WATCHING THE TIDE RISE.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU BY YOURSELF?
>> NO, I HAD A FRIEND WHO RAN AWAY, I THINK TO SAVE HERSELF.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A TOTAL LOSS THEN.
SHE JUST WROTE YOU OFF. >> WHAT I DISCOVERED THERE, IS I
THOUGHT I COULD ARMY CRAWL, YOU KNOW.
AND I THOUGHT, NO, THIS IS IT. THE WILL TO LIVE IS NOT STRONG
IS WHAT I DISCOVERED. >> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET
WHO SAVED YOU? >> A MAN IN A TRUCK CAME.
AND HE MADE A SPLINT OUT OF A SPIRIT LEVEL AND RATCH EAT.
>> Stephen: A SPIRIT LEVEL? >> YOU KNOW THE THINGS
CARPENTERS USE. >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, SURE,
SURE. >> IT WASN'T STRAIGHT AT ALL,
AND THE RATCHET STRAPS. AND THEN HE GAVE ME A SLEEVE OF
TYLENOL, YOU CALL IT HERE. AND HE SAID, "TAKE THIS.
IT WILL NOT HELP." ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WHAT-- ANOTHER THING THAT'S HAPPENED SINCE THE
LAST TIME I SAW YOU-- AND CONGRATULATIONS-- IS THAT YOU
GOT MARRIED. WHO IS THIS LOVELY PERSON?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SPOUSE LADY.
>> SPOUSE LADY JENNY. >> Stephen: HOW IS MARRIED
LIFE TREATING YOU? IS IT SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT?
>> I'M REALLY TAKING THE "IN SICKNESS" TO EXTREMES.
BUT I THINK-- I LIKE IT. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HID IT FROM
US GAYS FOR SO LONG. ( LAUGHTER ).
SO GREAT. >> YES.
>> Stephen: NOW, WE DIDN'T WANT TO, LIKE KNOW--
>> YEAH. I'M ENJOYING IT VERY MUCH.
I CAN'T SPEAK FOR BOTH OF US. THAT'S WHY I PUT A RING ON IT.
THE PAPERWORK, HARD TO BACK OUT. >> Stephen: ARE YOU A
DIFFERENT PERSON MARRIED? LIKE, BECAUSE-- I THINK I'M A
DIFFERENT PERSON MARRIED. I KIND OF DOWNLOAD SOME OF MY
MENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES TO MY WIFE AND SHE TO ME.
HAS IT CHANGED HOW YOU BEHAVE IN ANY WAY?
>> THE WAY I DESCRIBE OUR MARRIAGE IS LIKE CURLING.
( LAUGHTER ). SPORT CURLING?
>> YEAH. I'M LIKE THE GIANT PUCK.
>> Stephen: THE ROCK. >> AND WE SEND ME OUT AT THE
BEGINNING OF THE DAY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING, "I'LL FIX IT.
I'LL FIX IT." ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: RIGHT. THEN SHE WAS NO USE WHATSOEVER.
IS SHE THE PERSON ON THE HIKE WHO ABANDONED YOU?
>> NO, SHE WENT TO GET THE MAN WITH THE TRUCK BUT I BURIED THE
LEDE. >> Stephen: THE NEW BOOK YOU
HAVE HERE, OF COURSE, EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR GROUNDBREAKING
SPECIAL "NANETTE." THE NEW TOOK IS CALLED "TEN
STEPS TO NANETTE." I'VE WRITTEN A BOOK.
I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN A MEMOIR. WHAT IS IT-- WHAT IS DIFFERENT
THAN, LIKE, YOU DO VERY PERSONAL STORIES ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL LIFE
IN STANDUP. WHAT IS DIFFERENCE IN DOING THAT
AND A MEMOIR? >> I WANT MORE DETAILS.
ON STAGE YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH A KACIALG THROE AWAY.
AND I DID THIS THING, AND IT COMES BACK FROM THE EDITOR.
BUT HOW? HOW DID YOU FEEL?
WHAT WAS YOUR EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE?"
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS AN EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE?
IT'S ICE. SO IT TOOK ME-- TOOK ME OVER 10
YEARS TO WRITE THAT. ORIGINALLY, THIS WAS --
>> Stephen: 10 YEARS? >> YES.
>> Stephen: AND "NANETTE" IS NOT 10 YEARS OLD.
>> "A FEW STEPS" IT WAS CALLED, ISN'T IT?
WE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE WE WERE GOING.
>> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE. >> ORIGINALLY IT WAS GOING TO BE
A BOOK ABOUT ALL MY ACCIDENTS I'VE HAD.
AND I'VE HAD MANY. THIS IS TIP OF THE ICEBERG,
WHICH IS TRIGGERING. ( LAUGHTER )
AND AS I GOT THROUGH IT I COULDN'T WORK MYSELF OUT.
I WAS LIKE, I DON'T ACTUALLY MAKE ANY SENSE AND I HAD THESE
FUNNY STORIES AND I INTERROGATED MY EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE AND
THOUGHT, OH, THAT'S NOT HAPPINESS.
AND SO WRITING THIS IS WHAT ENDED UP PUSHING ME TOWARD
WRITING "NANETTE" AS A SHOW TO SORT OF LIKE, "s HEY THESE ARE
THE STORIES BEHIND THE LAUGHS, HA-HA."
OW! AND THEN SO ONCE I WAS-- DID
"NANETTE" I WAS ABLE TO FINISH THE BOOK.
SO THEY HAD A SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK HANNAH HOW HER PARENTS FEEL
ABOUT HER TALKING ABOUT THEM IN HER STANDUP.
STICK AROUND. ♪ ♪ ♪
WE'RE HERE WITH THE AUTHOR OF "TEN STEPS TO NANETTE," DA
GA. YOU WRITE IN THE BOOK AND YOUR
STANDUP MATERIAL. YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR PARENTS A
LOT. ARE THEY OKAY WITH THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) >> AND FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THE LOUD STICK.
MY DAD'S FINE. HE HAS NO EMOTIONAL LANDSCAPE.
( LAUGHTER ). WANT.
>> YEAH, HE'S FINE. THERE, GO ON.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN? >> Stephen: DID YOU SAY,
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?" HOW MANY KIDS IN YOUR FAMILY?
>> I'M THE YOUNGEST OF FIVE. >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO,
YEAH. AT YOUR AGE, YOU'RE THE YOUNG
ONE. >> MOM IS NOT ALWAYS A FAN.
SHE'S-- SHE'S NOT SHY ABOUT LETTING ME KNOW WHEN SHE'S NOT
IMPRESSED. >> Stephen: WITH THE MATERIAL.
>> YEAH, SOMETIMES WHILE I'M ON STAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> SHE'S LIKE, "NO, DON'T
ENCOURAGE HER. AND ONE TIME SHE SAID, "I DON'T
SOUND LIKE THAT." AND OF COURSE, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT SHE SOUNDS LIKE. AND I SAID, "YES, YOU DO."
AND SHE SAID, "NO, I DON'T." AND THAT WENT ON FOR A GOOD FIVE
MINUTES. >> Stephen: HAS SHE EVER DONE
ANY PRESS? HAS HE BEEN INTERVIEWED HERSELF?
>> I INTERVIEWED HER ONCE. IT WAS AWFUL.
SHE DOES NOT OPEN UP. SHE'S VERY-- SHE'S A DIGNIFIED
PERSON. I WOULD GIVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU
TO INTERVIEW HER, THOUGH. SHE WOULD EAT YOU ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ). ALIVE?
>> OH, MY GOSH. SHE WOULDN'T-- SHE OF COURSE
WOULDN'T DO IT. >> Stephen: I'LL-- WHY DON'T
YOU BE HER AND I'LL ASK YOU QUESTIONS.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS-- WHAT
WAS ( LAUGHTER ).
OWN MUG. THAT'S NEEDY.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MRS. GADSBY.
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: WHAT WAS HANNAH
LIKE AS A CHILD? >> LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I
TOLD HER WHEN SHE ASKED ME THAT. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW HER
PERFORM? >> WELL, I THOUGHT SHE COULD,
YOU KNOW, SHUT UP A BIT. SHE MADE FUN OF ME.
AND I DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR. I MADE HER CLOTHES.
SHE CALLED THAT HABERDASHERY ABUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) CHILDREN.
DO YOU HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE-- DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE CHILD?
>> EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY. ( LAUGHTER )
TOE S. >> Stephen: SURE, SURE, SURE,
SURE, SURE. >> BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE A
CHILD, YOU TELL THEM DIRECTLY. ( LAUGHTER )
TELL ONE OF THE OTHERS AND IT WILL TRICKLE DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ). JOINING US, MRS. GADSBY.
>> MY PLEASURE. >> Stephen: COULD I HAVE
HANNAH BACK? >> SURE.
YES, I CAN DO THAT. >> Stephen: WE, SO DEEPLY IN.
>> METHOD. >> Stephen: DID YOU SHAKE IT
OFF? DID YOU SHAKE IT OFF?
>> SHE'S A LOT FUNNIER THAN I AM.
>> Stephen: YOU WRITE ABOUT ART A LOT IN YOUR WORK.
>> THANK YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
THANK YOU. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS
PARTICULAR PIECE OF ART HAS SIGNIFICANT MEANING TO YOU.
I'M JUST CURIOUS WHY. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT IS THIS? >> IT'S A PICTURE-- IT'S A
CHAPEL, ACTUALLY. YOU KNOW THE-- YOU KNOW THE
TURTLES, MICHELANGELO, RAFAEL. >> Stephen: LEONARDO.
>> YES. SO HE'S LIKE THE SPLINTER.
HE BECAME BEFORE THEM, AND WAS LIKE, "DO IT THIS WAY."
THAT'S A DATED REFERENCE, BUT, YOU KNOW.
( SIES ) I REGRET THAT!
>> Stephen: IT'S ONLY A 600-YEAR-OLD REFERENCE BUT GO
AHEAD. WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
>> I STUDIED ART HISTORY, AND I WAS ALWAYS JUST-- I WAS AN
INTELLECTUAL PROCESS FOR ME, AND I WOULD SOMETIMES STAND IN FRONT
OF ART WORKS AND GO, "YEAH, RIGHT, FINE."
BUT I WENT IN, AND I FELT-- I FELT MOVED BY THAT.
AND IT'S JUST THE QUALITY OF BLUE IN THERE.
THE LAPIS-- >> Stephen: I WOULD CALL THAT
A COBALT. >> OF COURSE YOU WOULD CALL IT
COBALT. >> Stephen: AM I WRONG TO CALL
THIS COBALT? >> NO.
IT'S JUST YOU AND I. ( APPLAUSE )
TIME FOR. THE BOOK, "TEN STEPS TO
NANETTE," IS AVAILABLE TODAY IT'S HANNAH GADSBY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, HANNAH. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A
PERFORMANCE BY BUFFALO NICHOLS. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: MAKING HIS LATE- NIGHT TELEVISION DEBUT WITH
"LOST AND LONESOME," FROM HIS SELF-TITLED ALBUM,
BUFFALO NICHOLS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ IF YOU SEE ME IN YOUR TOWN
♪ LOOKING TIRED WITH MY HEAD
♪ HANGING DOWN YOU MAY WONDER
♪ WHAT WENT WRONG AND WHY AM I
♪ ALWAYS ALL ALONE YEAH, WHY AM I
♪ ALWAYS ALL ALONE WELL,
♪ SINCE I COULD REMEMBER I'VE BEEN WANDERING
♪ ON MY OWN LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME
♪ SINCE I LEFT MY MOTHER'S HOME
♪ WELL, SINCE I COULD REMEMBER
♪ I'VE BEEN WANDERING ON MY OWN
♪ LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME SINCE I LEFT
♪ MY MOTHER'S HOME LOOKING LOST AND LONESOME
♪ SINCE I LEFT MY MOTHER'S HOME
♪ YOU MAY SAY, SAY I'VE GOT NO FRIENDS
♪ BUT WHO CAN YOU REALLY
♪ PUT YOUR FAITH IN IN THE END
♪ CAUSE IT'S HARD, HARD TO TRUST SOMEONE
♪ WHEN LOYALTY IS JUST A WORD
♪ THAT SLIPS OFF OF YOUR TONGUE
♪ LOYALTY IS JUST A WORD AND IT SLIPS OFF
♪ OF YOUR TONGUE I HAD TO ASK THE QUESTION:
♪ HOW YOU LEARN TO LOVE LIKE THAT?
♪ SHE TRIED TO ANSWER AS SHE PULLED THE KNIFE
♪ OUT OF HER BACK AND WHEN I ASKED
♪ THE QUESTION, HOW YOU LEARN
♪ TO LOVE AGAIN? YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER ANYWAY
♪ BUT IT'S BETTER WITH A FRIEND YOU'RE GONNA SUFFER ANYWAY
♪ AIN'T IT BETTER WITH A FRIEND? SOMETIMES I SEE
♪ AN OLD FRIEND
SOMETIMES I SEE ♪ AN OLD FRIEND
AND WE WILL TALK ♪ ABOUT THE PLACES
THAT WE'VE BEEN ♪ BUT THEN WE GO
OUR SEPARATE WAYS ♪ LOST AND LONESOME
'TIL THE END OF OUR DAYS ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUFFALO NICHOLS
EVERYBODY! THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ELLE FANNING AND BEN
SCHWARTZ. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.