1
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:06,906
WILL SMITH STORMING THE STAGE
AND SLAPPING CHRIS ROCK AFTER A

2
00:00:06,973 --> 00:00:10,944
JOKE DIRECTED AT THE ACTOR'S
WIFE.

3
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:13,847
>> SO, JUST A SHORT TIME LATER,
SMITH WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR

4
00:00:13,913 --> 00:00:16,216
BEST ACTOR.
>> HE GETS A THUNDEROUS, LONG

5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,053
OVATION FROM THE CROWD JUST 40
MINUTES AFTER HE ASSAULTED CHRIS

6
00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:35,001
ROCK ON STAGE.

7
00:00:35,068 --> 00:00:37,637
ROCK ON STAGE.

8
00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:38,938
( LIGHT APPLAUSE FROM TWO OR
THREE )

9
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:42,142
>> THANK YOU.
UM -- UM --

10
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:50,950
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU
WILL, LOOK RIGHT HERE.

11
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:54,954
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

12
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:57,857
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!

13
00:00:57,924 --> 00:01:03,797
TONIGHT, TALKING BACK.
PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES CHRIS CHRS

14
00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:13,306
WALLACE!
AND WILMER VALDERRAMA, FEATURING

15
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,943
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN."
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED

16
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:24,517
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

17
00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:39,466
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING )

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00:01:39,532 --> 00:01:43,002
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( THEME SONG PLAYING )

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00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:47,774
>> Stephen: WHAT'S GOING ON?

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00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:52,545
HAPPY MONDAY!
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )

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00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,347
>> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.

22
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:58,551
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIENDS.

23
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,686
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE
SHOW."

24
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:05,258
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

25
00:02:05,325 --> 00:02:06,526
IT'S MONDAY, UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS
ROCK, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE HE

26
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:13,466
GOT SLAPPED INTO NEXT WEEK.
( RIM SHOT )

27
00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:16,336
>> Stephen: EARLY IN THE
MONOLOGUE FOR A RIM SHOT.

28
00:02:16,402 --> 00:02:18,104
THANK YOU.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT,

29
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:19,806
LAST NIGHT CHRIS WAS PRESENTING
THE OSCAR FOR BEST DOCUMENTARY,

30
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,140
AND HE MADE AN UNFLATTERING JOKE
ABOUT JADA PINKETT SMITH THAT

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00:02:21,207 --> 00:02:23,243
HER HUSBAND, WILL, APPARENTLY
DID NOT LIKE.

32
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:31,217
WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT?
THIS.

33
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:35,722
>> WOW.
WOW.

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00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:43,363
WILL SMITH JUST SMACKED THE
( BLEEP ) OUT OF ME.

35
00:02:43,429 --> 00:02:46,432
>> STEPHEN: WOW, INDEED.
THAT'S THE WORST THING WILL

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00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,701
SMITH HAS EVER DONE.
WAIT, I

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00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:58,444
FORGOT ABOUT "WILD, WILD WEST."
( LAUGHTER )

38
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:02,448
( APPLAUSE )
HE'S NOT HERE, IS HE?

39
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:05,118
( LAUGHTER )
I'M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY.

40
00:03:05,184 --> 00:03:06,886
THE WORST THING HE'S EVER DONE
IS "GEMINI MAN."

41
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,223
( LAUGHTER )
SOMEONE SHOULD SLAP BOTH OF THE

42
00:03:10,290 --> 00:03:12,959
GUYS IN THAT MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER )

43
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:14,227
THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN
OSCAR HISTORY AS ONE OF THE MOST

44
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:18,698
CHAOTIC MOMENTS.
UP THERE WITH THE STREAKER

45
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:25,138
BEHIND DAVID NIVEN IN '74,
BRANDO SENDING UP SACHEEN

46
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:30,176
LITTLEFEATHER IN '73, AND 1959
WHEN TONY CURTIS SACK-TAPPED BOB

47
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:39,852
HOPE.
( LAUGHTER )

48
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:42,221
LET ME SAY SOMETHING AS AN
OBJECTIVE OBSERVER: IT'S NEVER

49
00:03:42,288 --> 00:03:49,462
OK TO PUNCH A COMEDIAN.
( APPLAUSE )

50
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:59,038
WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE?
I'VE GOT TO SAY, WILL SMITH WAS

51
00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:04,877
OFFENDED BY THE JOKE AND WANTED
TO STAND UP TO HIS WIFE.

52
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:06,179
FINE.
CHALLENGE CHRIS TO A DUEL OR, IF

53
00:04:06,245 --> 00:04:10,249
YOU REALLY WANT TO HIT HIM:
DON'T LAUGH.

54
00:04:10,316 --> 00:04:12,919
IT HURTS MORE THAN A PUNCH.
( APPLAUSE )

55
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:18,224
BUT THIS DOES PROVE ONE THING.
CHRIS ROCK CAN TAKE A PUNCH.

56
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:22,262
WE'RE THE SAME AGE.
HE'S A 57 YEAR OLD COMEDIAN.

57
00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:24,564
LOOK AT THIS:
POW!

58
00:04:24,631 --> 00:04:27,834
CHRIS SHAKES IT OFF WITH ONE
STEP!

59
00:04:27,900 --> 00:04:31,170
WILL SMITH TRAINED FOR MONTHS TO
PLAY MOHAMMED ALI.

60
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:35,308
I HAVE MET WILL SMITH.
I HAVE SPOKEN TO HIM RIGHT OVER

61
00:04:35,375 --> 00:04:40,046
THERE.
HE'S GOT A HAND LIKE A FLANK

62
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,114
STEAK.
IF WILL WANTED TO HIT SOMEBODY,

63
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:42,248
HE SHOULD HAVE PICKED SOMEBODY
MORE APPROPRIATE, LIKE

64
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:46,219
JASON MOMOA
OR LIZA MINNELLI.

65
00:04:46,285 --> 00:04:53,459
( LAUGHTER )
AT THIS POINT, SHE'S CLEARLY

66
00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:56,696
UNKILLABLE.
SHE'S GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.

67
00:04:56,763 --> 00:04:58,231
( LAUGHTER )
TODAY WE LEARNED THAT CHRIS

68
00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:00,633
ISN'T PRESSING CHARGES.
THAT'S BIG OF HIM.

69
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,235
BUT OF COURSE, THIS IS
HOLLYWOOD, AND THERE ARE RULES.

70
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,737
YOU CAN'T JUST STORM A STAGE,
PHYSICALLY ASSAULT SOMEONE ON

71
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,239
CAMERA, AND THEN GO BACK TO YOUR
SEAT.

72
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:13,179
THERE HAVE TO BE CONSEQUENCES --
LIKE WINNING THE OSCAR FOR BEST

73
00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:19,052
ACTOR AND RECEIVING A STANDING
OVATION, THEN PARTYING ALL

74
00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:19,852
NIGHT.
WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD SENDS A BAD

75
00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:20,920
TO OUR KIDS?
(AS PARENT)

76
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,588
"YOU SEE THAT JOHNNY.
YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS WITH

77
00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:25,625
VIOLENCE, EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU
AND GIVE YOU GOLDEN STATUES.

78
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:30,596
NOW, OFF TO THE AFTER-PARTY
MISTER -- YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF

79
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,866
YOUR OWN MUSIC TO DANCE TO YOU
GO GET JIGGY WITH IT."

80
00:05:33,933 --> 00:05:39,772
GO GET JIGGY!
GO, GO!

81
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:41,607
HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS CARS.
EVERYBODY GOT 'EM!

82
00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,610
WANT TO SEE CLEAR STRAIGHT TO
THE BOTTOM!

83
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:47,714
YOU ARE GOING TO MIAMI!
( LAUGHTER )

84
00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:50,249
BUT HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT
CELEBRITY-ON CELEBRITY VIOLENCE,

85
00:05:50,316 --> 00:05:54,220
APPARENTLY YOU LOVE IT, BECAUSE
THE OSCAR'S RATINGS SHOWED A

86
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,257
56% IMPROVEMENT.
SO GET READY FOR NEXT YEAR'S

87
00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:05,565
95TH ACADEMY AWARD OSCAR
SLAPTACULAR DEATH MATCH.

88
00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:10,236
FIVE NOMINEES ENTER, ONE EXITS.
RIDICULOUS!

89
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,872
RIDICULOUS!
RIDICULOUS!

90
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:15,908
ACROSS THE GLOBE IN UKRAINE,
PUTIN'S CRIMINAL WAR CONTINUES

91
00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:18,711
TO GRIND AHEAD, BUT FOR RUSSIA,
IT HASN'T BEEN A CAKEWALK.

92
00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:21,547
OR AS THEY CALL IT, A TURNIP
JOG.

93
00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:23,483
( LAUGHTER )
OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS

94
00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,351
RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE SUFFERED
HEAVY LOSSES AND HAVE BEEN

95
00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:28,788
THWARTED IN THEIR PRIMARY
OBJECTIVES: TO CONTROL THE

96
00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,157
COUNTRY'S MAIN CITIES, INCLUDING
KYIV.

97
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:34,360
SO, THE RUSSIAN MILITARY
ANNOUNCED A CHANGE OF STRATEGY.

98
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:37,163
OVER THE WEEKEND, RUSSIA SAID
THE FIRST PHASE OF THE WAR IS

99
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:42,502
OVER.
YES!

100
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:43,336
OVER!
EVERYTHING'S GOING ACCORDING TO

101
00:06:43,402 --> 00:06:44,470
PLAN.
THAT PLAN?

102
00:06:44,537 --> 00:06:46,239
(RUSSIAN)
"PHASE ONE: WE LOSE.

103
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:55,181
PHASE TWO: WAR IS OVER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

104
00:06:55,248 --> 00:07:01,154
WE WIN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

105
00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:04,357
( PIANO RIFF )
I DON'T HAVE THE KNEES FOR IT.

106
00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:06,225
INSTEAD OF TOPPLING KYIV,
EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT RUSSIA'S

107
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:07,960
NEW OBJECTIVE IS TO SPLIT THE
COUNTRY BETWEEN REGIONS IT

108
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:11,931
CONTROLS AND REGIONS IT DOES
NOT.

109
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:13,733
YOU KNOW YOU'RE STARTING TO
SCARE THE SCHOOL BULLY WHEN HE

110
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:14,734
GOES FROM
(AS BULLY)

111
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:17,270
"GIMMIE YOUR LUNCH MONEY" TO
(AS BULLY, WINCING)

112
00:07:17,336 --> 00:07:19,172
"TELL YA WHAT, YOU KEEP YOUR
LUNCH MONEY, I'LL KEEP MY LUNCH

113
00:07:19,238 --> 00:07:25,178
MONEY, AND I'LL LIMIT MY WEDGIES
TO YOUR BUTT'S EASTERN REGIONS.

114
00:07:25,244 --> 00:07:29,081
( LAUGHTER )
THIS WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BIDEN

115
00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:31,184
TRAVELED TO EUROPE TO SHOW
SUPPORT FOR UKRAINE AND RALLY

116
00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:36,689
WORLD ALLIES.
THE PRESIDENT GAVE A STIRRING

117
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:42,061
SPEECH IN WARSAW, THEN ENDED IT
WITH A LITTLE AD-LIB, A

118
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,196
FREE-BALL, A LIL' MAKE 'EM UP
THAT WAS 100% PURE SCRAPPY

119
00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:50,236
SCRANTON:
>> UKRAINE WILL NEVER BE A

120
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,840
VICTORY FOR RUSSIA -- FOR FREE
PEOPLE REFUSE TO LIVE IN A WORLD

121
00:07:53,906 --> 00:07:55,174
OF HOPELESSNESS AND DARKNESS.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS MAN CANNOT

122
00:07:55,241 --> 00:07:58,244
REMAIN IN POWER.
(AS BIDEN)

123
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:09,088
"C'MON JACK, I KNOW I'M NOT
S'POSED TO SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S

124
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:13,159
-- LET'S JUST -- LET'S JUST --
I'M JUST -- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO

125
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:16,395
SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S
GOTTA HOP THE NEXT CHOO-CHOO TO

126
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:20,766
GOODBYE JUNCTION I'M SHOOTIN'
STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP

127
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,635
REPLACEMENT, AND I'M NOT AFRAID
TO SAY OTHER STUFF.

128
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:29,108
WE'RE ALL THINKIN' CHRIS ROCK
WAS OUTTA LINE.

129
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,376
IF HE MADE A CRACK ABOUT DOCTOR
JILL, I'D HAVE JUMPED UP ON THAT

130
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,079
STAGE AND GIVEN HIS FINGER A
GOOD CHOMP DOWN TO KNUCKLE

131
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,247
NUMBER 2, THEN I'D WIN THE OSCAR
FOR MOST TEETH.

132
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:41,454
C'MON, WANDA!"
NOW, OFFICIALLY, AMERICAN POLICY

133
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:42,588
IS NOT TO CALL FOR REGIME
CHANGE, SO THIS WAS A BIT OF A

134
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,257
GAFFE.
BUT WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY CALLED

135
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:45,691
SOMEONE A WAR CRIMINAL, IT WOULD
SEEM WEIRD IF YOU ALSO THOUGHT

136
00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:49,161
THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR JOB.
THERE'S A REASON WINSTON

137
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:52,665
CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY THIS:
>> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE

138
00:08:52,732 --> 00:08:54,233
BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON
THE LANDING GROUNDS, BUT LET'S

139
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:58,237
PUMP THE BRAKES ON REPLACING
HITLER AS CHANCELLOR.

140
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:04,777
EVERYONE DESERVES A MULLIGAN
( LAUGHTER )

141
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:06,846
>> STEPHEN: ON SUNDAY, SECRETARY
OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN TRIED TO

142
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:10,816
WALK BACK THE PRESIDENT'S
REMARKS.

143
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:13,185
>> AS YOU KNOW AND YOU'VE HEARD
US SAY REPEATEDLY, WE DO NOT

144
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,654
HAVE A STRATEGY OF REGIME CHANGE
IN RUSSIA OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR

145
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:18,224
THAT MATTER.
>> STEPHEN: INTERESTING POINT.

146
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:21,193
HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS
-- WE DO NOT HAVE A STRATEGY OF

147
00:09:21,260 --> 00:09:24,196
REGIME CHANGE IN RUSSIA OR
ANYWHERE ELSE.

148
00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:28,301
INTERESTING POINT.
HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS SADDAM

149
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:36,142
HUSSEIN'S HEAD IN A BOX.
PRESIDENT HUSSEIN, IS THERE

150
00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:46,252
ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE THE SAY?
( LAUGHTER )

151
00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:52,358
( APPLAUSE )
THERE ARE SOME EXCEPTIONS.

152
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:53,826
WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE OFFICIALLY
TRYING TO REPLACE PUTIN, AMERICA

153
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:54,994
AND ITS ALLIES CONTINUE TO
SANCTION HIS NIPPLES DOWN TO THE

154
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:58,230
NUB.
AND HE'S PUSHING BACK.

155
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,833
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE GAVE A
SPEECH IN WHICH HE TOOK UP THE

156
00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,569
CONSERVATIVE TALKING POINT THAT
OPPOSING HIS WAR IS CANCEL

157
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:06,339
CULTURE.
(AS PUTIN)

158
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:10,242
"THEY WILL CANCEL MOTHER RUSSIA
JUST LIKE THEY DID MR. POTATO

159
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:21,921
HEAD'S BEAUTIFUL PENIS.
HIS PENIS -- IS POTATO.

160
00:10:21,988 --> 00:10:23,556
( LAUGHTER )
GET THAT OUT THERE.

161
00:10:23,622 --> 00:10:28,361
DISTURBING TO LOOK AT THAT BOX
FOR TOO LONG.

162
00:10:28,427 --> 00:10:29,595
( LAUGHTER )
PUTIN ALSO COMPARED HIMSELF TO

163
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:30,796
HARRY POTTER AUTHOR J.K.
ROWLING, WHO'S COME UNDER FIRE

164
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:31,764
FOR REPEATEDLY TWEETING
ANTI-TRANS SENTIMENTS.

165
00:10:31,831 --> 00:10:33,499
VLAD SAID:
(RUSSIAN ACCENT)

166
00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:35,401
"NOT SO LONG AGO, THEY CANCELED
CHILDREN'S AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING

167
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,169
WHOSE BOOKS WERE SPREAD ALL OVER
THE WORLD IN THE HUNDREDS OF

168
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:40,606
MILLIONS OF COPIES, BECAUSE SHE
DID NOT PLEASE FANS OF SO-CALLED

169
00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:42,808
GENDER FREEDOMS.
TODAY THEY ARE TRYING TO ABOLISH

170
00:10:42,875 --> 00:10:47,880
AN ENTIRE 1,000-YEAR-OLD
COUNTRY, OUR PEOPLE."

171
00:10:47,947 --> 00:10:49,181
NO SURPRISE PUTIN LIKES J.K.
ROWLING.

172
00:10:49,248 --> 00:10:54,253
HE'S INDEBTED TO HER EVER SINCE
SHE GAVE HIM THE SOCK THAT

173
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,522
SET HIM FREE.
( LAUGHTER )

174
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,224
( APLAUSE )
THAT WAS A LONG WALK, RIGHT?

175
00:10:58,290 --> 00:11:02,228
BUT WORTH IT.
>> Jon: THAT'S A LONG WALK.

176
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:05,898
WOTH THE WAIT.
WORTH THE WALK.

177
00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,166
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BACK CLOSER TO

178
00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:10,603
HOME, THERE'S MORE
DUMB STUFF COMING OUT OF THE

179
00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:13,172
MOUTH OF NORTH CAROLINA
REPUBLICAN AND FRAT BRO TELLING

180
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:15,841
THE PLEDGES WHERE TO SHOVE THAT
WRIGGLING GOLDFISH, MADISON

181
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:17,943
CAWTHORN.
CAWTHORN RECENTLY APPEARED ON

182
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:22,314
SOMETHING CALLED, "THE WARRIOR
POET SOCIETY."

183
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:24,350
SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, BUT I HAVE A
LOT OF RESPECT FOR WARRIOR

184
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:26,018
POETS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT

185
00:11:26,085 --> 00:11:32,258
TAKES TO WRITE A SONNET WITH AN
AR-15?

186
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:47,206
GU GU GU GU GU -- GU GU GU GU G-
COMPARE THEE -- GU GU GU GU

187
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:48,707
GU GU GU GU GU -- GU GU GU GU G-
COMPARE THEE -- GU GU GU GU

188
00:11:48,774 --> 00:11:49,975
GU --
( APPLAUSE )

189
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,077
ON THE SOCIETY, CAWTHORN
EXPLAINED WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER

190
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,344
MEET YOUR HEROES.
>> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT

191
00:11:52,411 --> 00:11:54,380
GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, I MEAN
BEING IT KIND OF A YOUNG GUY IN

192
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:58,250
WASHINGTON WITH THE AVERAGE AGE
PROBABLY 60 OR 70 - AND I LOOK

193
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,119
AT ALL THESE PEOPLE AND A LOT OF
THEM THAT I'VE LOOKED UP TO

194
00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,221
THROUGH MY LIFE, ALWAYS PAID
ATTENTION TO POLITICS, GUYS

195
00:12:02,288 --> 00:12:06,225
THAT- THEN ALL THE SUDDEN YOU
GET INVITED TO, LIKE, WELL HEY,

196
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:10,229
WE'RE GONNA HAVE KIND OF A
SEXUAL GET TOGETHER AT ONE OF

197
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,965
OUR HOMES, YOU SHOULD COME AND
I'M, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK

198
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,233
ME TO COME TO?
AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE

199
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:18,237
ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT TOOK HIM A

200
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,072
SECOND TO REALIZE IT WAS AN ORGY
BECAUSE SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER IS

201
00:12:20,139 --> 00:12:27,713
SO SUBTLE.
( LAUGHTER )

202
00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:28,414
COME
(WINKS)

203
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,448
NAKED AND READY FOR
(WINKS)

204
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:30,349
SEX WITH YOUR
(WINKS)

205
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:34,220
PENIS.
( LAUGHTER )

206
00:12:34,286 --> 00:12:37,156
NOW, CAWTHORN DOESN'T NAME
NAMES.

207
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,024
BUT HE'S A STAUNCH MAGA
REPUBLICAN, SO I DOUBT HE'S

208
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:43,162
GETTING INVITED TO THE
DEMOCRATIC ORGIES.

209
00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:46,132
AND THE STRANGELY FOLKSY NATURE
OF SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER MEANS HE

210
00:12:46,198 --> 00:12:49,502
MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE FAMED
REPUBLICAN FLESH PIT:

211
00:12:49,568 --> 00:12:55,975
CHUCK GRASSLEY'S ASS JAMBOREE.
(AS GRASSLEY)

212
00:12:56,041 --> 00:13:00,146
"WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL
GET-TOGETHER.

213
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:03,549
THERE'LL BE SOME SCREWING AND
CHEWING, SOME POKING AND

214
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:09,488
STROKING; SOME YANKING AND
SPANKING.

215
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:12,658
THERE'S GONNA BE VARIOUS JELLIES
ON VARIOUS BELLIES.

216
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:15,394
AND FISHSTICKS.
SO GRAB A NAME TAG AND SOME

217
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,496
NIPPLE CLAMPS AND GO RIGHT IN.
I'M CHUCK GRASSLEY, AND I

218
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:22,067
APPROVE THIS MASSAGE."
( LAUGHTER )

219
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:26,939
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

220
00:13:27,006 --> 00:13:30,342
MY GUESTS ARE CHRIS WALLACE AND
NCIS' WILMER VALDERRAMA.

221
00:13:30,409 --> 00:13:32,511
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,
SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE

222
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:33,846
JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

223
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,626
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE
BAND, EVERYBODY!

224
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:30,436
RIGHT THERE!
"STAY HUMAN"!

225
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:33,706
LOUIS CATO, EVERYBODY, ON THE
GUITAR SZ.

226
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:37,843
I HAVE TWO FANTASTIC GUESTS
TONIGHT, A FRIEND OF THE SHOW

227
00:14:37,910 --> 00:14:45,351
AND NEW RESIDENT CNN CHRIS
WALLACE IS HERE TONIGHT.

228
00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:49,321
PROS APPLAUSE MORE ALPHABET SOUP
FROM "NCIS," WILMER VALDERRAMA

229
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:53,459
IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A
BIT.

230
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:55,794
( APPLAUSE )
, LOUIS, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE

231
00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,097
ELEPHANT NOT IN THE ROOM.
WHERE IS JOHN?

232
00:14:58,163 --> 00:15:05,537
>> HE'S LIVING HIS BEST LIFE.
ELEVEN GRAMMY NOMINEES.

233
00:15:05,604 --> 00:15:08,007
>> Stephen: IS IT MONDAY OR
SUNDAY.

234
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,142
>> SUNDAY.
>> Stephen: WITH THAT MANY

235
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,444
NOMINATIONS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE
THEM OUT AHEAD OF TIME.

236
00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:13,879
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HE HAS TO GO OUT

237
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:17,483
ON THE INSTALLMENT PLAN.
DID YOU WATCH THE OSCARS LAST

238
00:15:17,549 --> 00:15:18,517
NIGHT?
>> I DID NOT.

239
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:21,253
I WOKE UP TO IT THIS MORNING.
WHOO!

240
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,224
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO WOKE
UP --

241
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,058
( LAUGHTER )
>> CHRIS ROCK.

242
00:15:26,125 --> 00:15:29,528
>> Stephen: CHRIS ROCK.
( LAUGHTER )

243
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:32,564
WHEN WILL SMITH SLAPPED HIM.
DID YOU THINK THAT WAS REAL?

244
00:15:32,631 --> 00:15:37,870
>> I THINK IT WAS REAL.
>> Stephen: YEAH.

245
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:46,945
WIWILL'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ACTOR
TO PULL AT OFF.

246
00:15:47,012 --> 00:15:50,115
( RIM SHOT )
>> WHOA!

247
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,251
>> Stephen: POP!
( LAUGHTER )

248
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:53,686
THE JANUARY 6TH SELECT COMMITTEE
CONTINUES TO DO THEIR WORK, AND

249
00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:55,854
TODAY, THEY GOT SOME GOOD NEWS
THAT SPELLS TROUBLE FOR FORMER

250
00:15:55,921 --> 00:15:58,824
PRESIDENT, "DON CON JOVI."
BECAUSE A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED

251
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,895
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE
LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A

252
00:16:02,961 --> 00:16:04,930
CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE
CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN.

253
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,899
I BELIEVE HE CITED THE LEGAL
PRECEDENT OF

254
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:13,872
NO ( BLEEP ) V. SHERLOCK.
( LAUGHTER )

255
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:18,877
( APPLAUSE )
THE BOMBSHELL IS PART OF THE

256
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:22,381
ONGOING INVESTIGATION INTO
DISGRACED LAWYER, JOHN EASTMAN,

257
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:25,851
SEEN HERE AT THE STAGED-READING
OF HIS ONE-MAN "DOCTOR WHO"

258
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,287
MUSICAL.
( LAUGHTER )

259
00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:30,155
ESTMAN WAS THE LAW PROFESSOR
WHO BELIEVED THAT FORMER VICE

260
00:16:30,222 --> 00:16:31,857
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE COULD JUST
REJECT INDIVIDUAL STATES'

261
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:37,663
ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES.
FIRST O ALL, NO.

262
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:38,897
SECOND OF ALL, YOU WANT TO GIVE
SOMEBODY UNLIMITED POWER, AND

263
00:16:38,964 --> 00:16:42,067
YOU PICK MIKE PENCE?
( LAUGHTER )

264
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:43,335
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE POWER
TO BE IN A ROOM WITH A WOMAN

265
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:46,338
WHO'S NOT HIS WIFE.
( LAUGHTER )

266
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:47,606
THE COMMITTEE HAS BEEN TRYING TO
GET EASTMAN'S RECORDS AND EMAILS

267
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,909
FOR MONTHS.
HE'S BEEN CLAIMING

268
00:16:50,976 --> 00:16:54,880
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT
THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO LAWYERS

269
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:58,450
WHO HELP THEIR CLIENTS COMMIT A
CRIME, AND IN THIS CASE, THE

270
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:05,991
JUDGE FOUND THAT THE ILLEGALITY
OF THE PLAN WAS OBVIOUS.

271
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:06,792
( APPLAUSE )
YES!

272
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:12,064
HELL, YES!
SAY IT!

273
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:13,866
EASTMAN PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE
LABELED THE FOLDER

274
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:16,635
"CRIME IDEAS KEEP OUT."
( LAUGHTER )

275
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,904
THE JUDGE ADDED THAT EVERY
AMERICAN -- AND CERTAINLY THE

276
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:22,708
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
KNOWS THAT IN A DEMOCRACY,

277
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:25,878
LEADERS ARE ELECTED, NOT
INSTALLED.

278
00:17:25,944 --> 00:17:29,848
NORMALLY, THIS WOULD BE A GREAT
POINT.

279
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,083
( APPLAUSE )
I AGREE.

280
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:34,887
IT'S A LOVELY THING TO SAY, AND
NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A GREAT

281
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:36,688
POINT, BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT
DOESN'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THE

282
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:37,990
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
HE THINKS THE SUPREME COURT IS

283
00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:40,659
JUST A REGULAR COURT WITH EXTRA
SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.

284
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,660
( LAUGHTER )
THANKS TO THIS NEW RULING

285
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:49,134
EASTMAN HAS BEEN ORDERED TO TURN
OVER 101 EMAILS.

286
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:50,903
HELL, YES!
THEY'RE GETTING HIS EMAILS!

287
00:17:50,969 --> 00:17:52,771
NOW THE COMMITTEE'S GOING TO
KNOW WHETHER THE FORMER

288
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:54,373
PRESIDENT TRIED TO TURN OUR
COUNTRY INTO A BANANA REPUBLIC -

289
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,874
AND THEY'LL KNOW IF BANANA
REPUBLIC OFFERED EASTMAN 40% OFF

290
00:17:55,941 --> 00:17:59,111
SELECTED MEN'S SEPARATES.
( LAUGHTER )

291
00:17:59,178 --> 00:18:06,585
IT'S A GOOD DEAL.
FOR THE SPRING.

292
00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:07,853
( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER PERSON IN THE JAN 6TH

293
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,291
COMMITTEE IS INTERESTED IN
TALKING TO IS THE WIFE OF

294
00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:14,893
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE
THOMAS, CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST

295
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,897
AND WOMAN DREAMING OF AN EVEN
MORE AGGRESSIVE SCARF, GINNI

296
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:22,534
THOMAS.
THOMAS IS AN EXTREME ELECTION

297
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:25,871
FRAUD TRUTHER, AND LAST
THURSDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT

298
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:32,277
AFTER THE ELECTION, SHE
SENT A BARRAGE OF TEXTS

299
00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:34,713
IMPLORING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S
CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS, TO

300
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:37,249
TKE STEPS TO OVERTURN THE VOTE.
MEADOWS THAT IS HUGE.

301
00:18:37,316 --> 00:18:40,352
THE WIFE OF A SITTING SUPREME
COURT JUSTICE CONSPIRED WITH THE

302
00:18:40,419 --> 00:18:42,454
PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF TO
THROW OUT THE RESULTS OF A FREE

303
00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:43,455
AND FAIR ELECTION.
AND SHE NEVER EVEN INVENTED A

304
00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:50,696
PILLOW.
( LAUGHTER )

305
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:55,801
IN ONE MESSAGE -- HOW HARD COULD
IT BE TO INVENT A PILLOW?

306
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:59,071
PUT SOMETHING IN SOMETHING ELSE
AND LIE ON IT.

307
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,339
( LAUGHTER )
IN ONE, THOMAS URGED MEADOWS TO

308
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:01,874
"SAVE US FROM THE LEFT TAKING
AMERICA DOWN" AND TO, "RELEASE

309
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:05,410
THE KRAKEN."
( LAUGHTER )

310
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:07,279
A REFERENCE TO THE B-MOVIE,
"CLASH OF THE TITANS."

311
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:09,915
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE SOUND
OF TREASON WOULD BE A RANDOM

312
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,517
MOVIE QUOTE.
WHO CAN FORGET THE WORDS OF JOHN

313
00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:14,887
WILKES BOOTH?
SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS.

314
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:22,094
THIS IS SPARTA
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

315
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,864
(AS BORAT)
MY WIIIIIFE

316
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,700
MY WIIIIIFE
MY WIIIIIFE

317
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,168
( APPLAUSE )
NOT ALL OF THOMAS'S TEXTS WERE

318
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:31,336
SUCCINCT, BECAUSE SHE ALSO
QUOTED LANGUAGE FROM RANDOM

319
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:37,075
WEBSITES THAT SAID
BIDEN CRIME FAMILY AND BALLOT

320
00:19:37,142 --> 00:19:42,848
FRAUD CO-CONSPIRATORS -- FAKE
STREAM MEDIA REPORTERS, ETC --

321
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:46,251
ARE BEING ARRESTED & DETAINED
FOR BALLOT FRAUD RIGHT NOW &

322
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:50,889
OVER COMING DAYS, AND WILL BE
LIVING IN BARGES OFF GITMO TO

323
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:54,126
FACE MILITARY TRIBUNALS FOR
SEDITION, AND THEN SHE ADDED:

324
00:19:54,192 --> 00:19:59,831
I HOPE THIS IS TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )

325
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,868
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T PUT OUT THAT MUCH

326
00:20:02,935 --> 00:20:05,938
INFORMATION AND THEN UNDERCUT IT
WITH A "HUH"?

327
00:20:06,004 --> 00:20:07,072
DARWIN DIDN'T END THE ORIGIN OF
THE SPECIES WITH:

328
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,942
HUGE IF TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )

329
00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,578
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS
WALLACE.

330
00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:31,997
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

331
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:40,639
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
SON CBS -- ON CBS.

332
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,708
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY AND

333
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:47,012
PEABODY AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST
WHO SPENT 18 YEARS AT FOX NEWS.

334
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,914
BUT HAS NOW COME TO HIS SENSES
AND HE HAS

335
00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:52,050
NOW JOINED THE NEW STREAMING
SERVICE CNN+.

336
00:20:52,117 --> 00:20:53,352
HIS NEW SHOW "WHO'S TALKING TO
CHRIS WALLACE?" PREMIERES

337
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:57,022
TOMORROW NIGHT.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE

338
00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:01,026
SHOW, CHRIS WALLACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

339
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:10,135
( BAND PLAYING )

340
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:16,341
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU
BACK.

341
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:19,044
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
>> SO, STEPHEN, I'VE GOT A

342
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,313
QUESTION --
>> Stephen: I ASK THE

343
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:23,949
QUESTIONS ON MY SHOW.
>> NO, NO, I'VE GOT A

344
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:24,816
QUESTION --
>> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHAT, I

345
00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,018
ALSO HAVE AN EDITOR, SO GO AHEAD
AND ASK.

346
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:30,322
>> SOME PEOPLE WOULD COVERT SAY
YOU ARE A COMEDIAN, RIGHT.

347
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,591
>> Stephen: ID DEPENDS ON THE
CROWD.

348
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:37,329
>> SO HAS ANYONE EVER COME UP
OUT OF THE CROWD AND GIVEN YOU A

349
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:39,798
SMACK RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE?
>> Stephen: NO, BECAUSE I HAVE

350
00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:45,737
A GOOD SECURITY TEAM.
>> SO THEY COME OUT BUT THEY GE-

351
00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:49,808
>> Stephen: 100 PERCENT --
LIKE A JAVELIN.

352
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:55,580
ACTUAL TRUE STORY, PEOPLE USED
TO ASK ME WHEN I DID THE COLBERT

353
00:21:55,647 --> 00:22:00,118
REPORT, WHEN I WENT INTO
CONGRESSMEN'S OFFICE AND SAY

354
00:22:00,185 --> 00:22:05,891
TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEM, PEOPLE
WOULD SAY HOW DO YOU KEEP A

355
00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:08,960
STRAIGHT FACE?
IT'S OBVIOUS BECAUSE I THINK

356
00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:11,963
THEY'RE GOING TO PUNCH ME.
I RESPECT YOU AS A JOURNALIST,

357
00:22:12,030 --> 00:22:15,033
YOU HAVE HEFT, INTEGRITY, AND I
HAVE RIBBED YOU OVER THE YEARS A

358
00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:18,103
FEW TIMES ABILITY WHY WOULD YOU
WANT TO BE A FOX NEWS, GIVEN THE

359
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:21,039
FACT THAT --
>> YOU HAVE WORN ME OUT ON THIS

360
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:22,741
SUBJECT.
>> Stephen: SEE, WORN YOU OUT.

361
00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:27,412
YOU SEEM TO THINK THIS IS
PERHAPS NOT A FAIR ALLEY OF

362
00:22:27,479 --> 00:22:29,281
INQUIRY.
>> NO, I JUST THINK YOU HAVE

363
00:22:29,347 --> 00:22:35,153
FLOGGED THIS HORSE OVER AND OVER
FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR.

364
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:37,289
>> Stephen: YEAH, BUT YOU'VE
ONLY RECENTLY ADMITTED I WAS

365
00:22:37,355 --> 00:22:41,727
RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )

366
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:45,764
>> SO I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE
YES FOR AN ANSWER AND WE CAN

367
00:22:45,831 --> 00:22:49,768
MOVE ON TO MY NEW SHOW.
>> Stephen: OH, WE'LL

368
00:22:49,835 --> 00:22:55,774
DEFINITELY MOVE ON TO YOUR NEW
SHOW, AND I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.

369
00:22:55,841 --> 00:22:59,678
( LAUGHTER )
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW

370
00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:03,348
"WHO'S TALKING TO CHRIS
WALLACE?" I'LL BITE.

371
00:23:03,415 --> 00:23:06,351
WHO?
>> WE LAUNCH TOMORROW CNN+.

372
00:23:06,418 --> 00:23:08,820
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXCITING.
VERY EXCITING.

373
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,159
MY FIRST GUEST IS GOING TO BE I
THINK ONE OF THE GREAT AMERI

374
00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:18,163
AMERICANS, ADMIRAL WILLIAM
McRAVEN, ED OF THE U.S.

375
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,364
SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND, THE
COMAN WHO BROUGHT DOWN

376
00:23:19,431 --> 00:23:24,069
BIN LADEN, THE MAN WHO RESCUED
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, THE MAN WHO

377
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,905
CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN, AND I
CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY BETTER TO

378
00:23:26,972 --> 00:23:29,508
TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT'S
GOING ON N UKRAINE AND TO TALK

379
00:23:29,574 --> 00:23:33,545
ABOUT HOW WE FACE THE CHALLENGES
WE FACE BECAUSE, AS YOU WELL

380
00:23:33,612 --> 00:23:37,549
KNOW, I'M SURE HE'S BEEN ON THIS
SHOW, HE'S AN EXPERT ON

381
00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:42,053
LEADERSHIP.
ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, WE'VE GOT

382
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:48,927
NEIL ACUNAS AND ASHTON KUTCHER,
THEY HAVE SPEND TIME RAISING

383
00:23:48,994 --> 00:23:50,762
OVER A MILLION DOLLARS FOR
UKRAINE.

384
00:23:50,829 --> 00:23:55,200
THURSDAY WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE
FORMER HEAD OF DISNEY.

385
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:57,669
SO IT'S GOING TO BE A MIX OF
GUESTS.

386
00:23:57,736 --> 00:24:00,405
SO, YOU KNOW, AND ONE OF THE
REASONS I WANTED TO MAKE THIS

387
00:24:00,472 --> 00:24:04,376
MOVE, I LOVE STREAMING.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO A

388
00:24:04,442 --> 00:24:07,279
COMMERCIAL, I DON'T.
I CAN JUST HAVE A CONVERSATION

389
00:24:07,345 --> 00:24:10,182
FOR 45 MINUTES.
>> Stephen: WOW.

390
00:24:10,248 --> 00:24:13,018
YEAH, SERIOUSLY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A PRETTY

391
00:24:13,084 --> 00:24:16,188
HOSTILE THING FOR YOU TO SAY,
THAT I HAVE TO GO TO A

392
00:24:16,254 --> 00:24:17,756
COMMERCIAL.
>> OH, YOU CAN DISH IT OUT BUT

393
00:24:17,823 --> 00:24:19,991
YOU CAN'T TAKE IT!
>> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO

394
00:24:20,058 --> 00:24:23,662
SLAP YOU BECAUSE I'M A
GENTLEMEN.

395
00:24:23,728 --> 00:24:24,930
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVE A QUESTION.

396
00:24:24,996 --> 00:24:27,833
YOU'RE GREAT AT ASKING THE RIGHT
QUESTION IN THE RIGHT MOMENT.

397
00:24:27,899 --> 00:24:30,869
WHAT WOULD YOU ASK WILL SMITH IF
YOU COULD SIT DOWN WITH HIM?

398
00:24:30,936 --> 00:24:32,537
WHAT WOULD THE FIRST QUESTION
BE?

399
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:35,507
>> ALL RIGHT, MY THOUGHT IS THAT
YOU HAVE SPENT WITH YOUR TEAM OF

400
00:24:35,574 --> 00:24:38,610
WRITERS ALL DAY COMING UP WITH A
GREAT QUESTION.

401
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,045
>> Stephen: I KNOW, I HAVEN'T.
YOU HAVEN'T.

402
00:24:40,111 --> 00:24:43,915
>> Stephen: I REALLY --
YOU'RE GOING TO TOP ME.

403
00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:48,386
>> Stephen: I PROMISE I WON'T.
WHAT WOULD YOUR QUESTION BE?

404
00:24:48,453 --> 00:24:50,622
>> I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS,
BECAUSE YOU DO.

405
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:56,194
IF YOU INTERVIEW PEOPLE FOR A
LIVING, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,

406
00:24:56,261 --> 00:24:58,263
WHAT WOULD I ASK?
>> Stephen: RIGHT.

407
00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:01,199
WHY?
WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

408
00:25:01,266 --> 00:25:06,238
( APPLAUSE )
AND I THINK THE QUESTION I

409
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:10,742
ARRIVED AT WAS, WHEN YOU WOKE UP
AT 3:00 THIS MORNING AND I KNOW

410
00:25:10,809 --> 00:25:15,914
YOU DID, WHAT DID YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW -- YEAH,

411
00:25:15,981 --> 00:25:19,117
I'M NOT SURE IF HE HAD GONE TO
BED YET AT 3:00.

412
00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:22,053
>> AS I FOUND OUT HE WAS GETTING
JIGGY WITH IT.

413
00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,055
>> Stephen: I'M JUST THINKING
OF IT NOW.

414
00:25:24,122 --> 00:25:27,292
>> OH, OH, SEE --
>> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE SAID,

415
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:30,262
LIKE, IS THAT THE HARDEST YOU
CAN PUNCH?

416
00:25:30,328 --> 00:25:36,067
BECAUSE HE'S A SMALL GUY.
YOU'VE GOT AT LEAST FIVE INCHES

417
00:25:36,134 --> 00:25:38,703
ON CHRIS ROCK AND PROBABLY
80 POUNDS.

418
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:41,273
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE THIRD
TIME I'VE HEARD.

419
00:25:41,339 --> 00:25:45,277
YOU ARE REALLY IMPRESSED CHRIS
ROCK TOOK THE URCH.

420
00:25:45,343 --> 00:25:49,547
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
PUNCHED IN THE FACE, CHRIS

421
00:25:49,614 --> 00:25:51,082
WALLACE?
>> HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FACE?

422
00:25:51,149 --> 00:25:52,350
OF COURSE NOT.
( LAUGHTER )

423
00:25:52,417 --> 00:25:53,919
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT PLEASANT.

424
00:25:53,985 --> 00:25:56,054
HAVE YOU.
>> Stephen: I HAVE.

425
00:25:56,121 --> 00:26:01,126
YOU'VE HEARD THE EXPRESSION, YOU
TALK LIKE A GUY WHO'S NEVER BEEN

426
00:26:01,192 --> 00:26:03,161
PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
YOU DO.

427
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:04,562
( LAUGHTER )
>> WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

428
00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:07,465
>> Stephen: IT'S TERRIBLE.
IT'S COMPLETELY DISORIENTING.

429
00:26:07,532 --> 00:26:10,969
>> I HEAR IF IT'S A REALLY GOOD
PUNCH YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL IT.

430
00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:15,273
>> Stephen: I GUESS I DIDN'T
GET A GOOD PUNCH BECAUSE I

431
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:19,010
REALLY FELT IT.
MIKE TYSON'S FAMOUS QUOTE IS

432
00:26:19,077 --> 00:26:24,049
EVERYBODY HAS A PLAN TILL THEY
GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

433
00:26:24,115 --> 00:26:25,250
TRUE.
COMPLETELY DISORIENTED.

434
00:26:25,317 --> 00:26:27,452
THE FACT CHRIS ROCK REMEMBERED
ENGLISH WORDS IS SURPRISING TO

435
00:26:27,519 --> 00:26:28,653
ME.
>> EH HANDLED IT WELL.

436
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:33,491
>> Stephen: WE'LL COME BACK
AND I'LL ASK CHRIS WHAT IT WAS

437
00:26:33,558 --> 00:26:36,161
LIKE TO SIT DOWN WITH AN
INTERVIEW WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.

438
00:26:36,227 --> 00:26:36,828
STICK AROUND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

439
00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:53,111
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE WHO'S

440
00:26:53,178 --> 00:26:56,581
OF "WHO'S TALKING TO CHRIS
WALLACE?" ON CNN+, MR. CHRIS

441
00:26:56,648 --> 00:26:58,450
WALLACE.
CHRIS WALLACE, THERE'S BEEN A

442
00:26:58,516 --> 00:27:06,758
LOT OF TALK ABOUT LOSS OF TRUST
BY THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IN THE

443
00:27:06,825 --> 00:27:08,660
MEDIA.
IF YOU HAD A MAGIC WAND, YOU

444
00:27:08,727 --> 00:27:10,595
COULD WAVE IT, WHAT WOULD YOU
CHANGE EITHER PRESENTLY OR

445
00:27:10,662 --> 00:27:13,598
HISTORICALLY ABOUT THE MEDIA TO
TRY TO RESTORE THAT TRUST?

446
00:27:13,665 --> 00:27:16,668
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
>> Stephen: IT'S WHAT ADO,

447
00:27:16,735 --> 00:27:17,802
BABY.
( LAUGHTER )

448
00:27:17,869 --> 00:27:25,243
>> SO HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY.
IN A FUNNY WAY, I'D BLAME MY

449
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:29,080
FATHER FOR THIS, MIKE WALLACE
AND "60 MINUTES."

450
00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:32,584
>> Stephen: WOW.
WELL, YOU KNEW MY FATHER WAS

451
00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:34,853
MIKE WALLACE.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE I DIDN'T

452
00:27:34,919 --> 00:27:37,922
KNOW.
>> Stephen: THE GUY COMES IN,

453
00:27:37,989 --> 00:27:39,791
THROWS HIS DAD UNDER THE BUS ON
THE QUESTION.

454
00:27:39,858 --> 00:27:41,226
OKAY.
>> NO, I THINK THE BIGGEST

455
00:27:41,292 --> 00:27:44,629
PROBLEM WITH NEWS -- USED TO BE
IN THE OLD DAYS, AND I CAN

456
00:27:44,696 --> 00:27:47,499
REMEMBER GROWING UP WITH MY
FATHER IN THE '70s, THAT NEWS

457
00:27:47,565 --> 00:27:50,068
DIDN'T MAKE MONEY, IT WAS A
PUBLIC SERVICE.

458
00:27:50,135 --> 00:27:51,136
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
( APPLAUSE )

459
00:27:51,202 --> 00:27:53,605
>> AND THE NETWORKS VIEWED IT AS
A PUBLIC SERVICE.

460
00:27:53,671 --> 00:27:58,977
AND THEN "60 MINUTES" CAME ALONG
AND SHOWED YOU YOU COULD MAKE

461
00:27:59,044 --> 00:28:01,646
PHENOMENAL AMOUNTS OF MONEY WITH
THE NEWS BUSINESS.

462
00:28:01,713 --> 00:28:05,417
>> Stephen: AND STILL BE NEWS.
AND STILL BE NEWS.

463
00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:08,486
BUT I THINK WHEN YOU LOOK AT
WHAT GOES ON EVERYWHERE,

464
00:28:08,553 --> 00:28:11,089
PROBABLY PARTICULARLY CABLE AND
ON THE LEFT AS WELL AS RIGHT,

465
00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:15,627
PEOPLE ARE CHASING AUDIENCES.
SO I THINK IF THERE'S NOT -- IF

466
00:28:15,693 --> 00:28:19,164
PEOPLE WOULD ACCEPT WE'RE NOT
TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF THIS,

467
00:28:19,230 --> 00:28:23,068
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO PERFORM A
PUBLIC SERVICE, I THINK WE WOULD

468
00:28:23,134 --> 00:28:25,170
HAVE BETTER NEWS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

469
00:28:25,236 --> 00:28:26,538
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU'RE
RIGHT.

470
00:28:26,604 --> 00:28:29,074
GOOD LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.

471
00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:31,142
>> WE'RE GOING TO PLAY IT
STRAIGHT.

472
00:28:31,209 --> 00:28:34,245
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY IT STRAIGHT,
AS I ALWAYS DO, ON "WHO'S

473
00:28:34,312 --> 00:28:37,082
TALKING TO CHRIS WALLACE?."
I DID AN INTERVIEW WITH NICOLE

474
00:28:37,148 --> 00:28:41,152
ANNA JONES, THE AUTHOR OF "THE
1619 PROJECT."

475
00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:43,354
WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD
CONVERSATION.

476
00:28:43,421 --> 00:28:47,158
SHE SAID SHE ENJOYED IT, BUT I
CHALLENGED HER ON SOME OF THE

477
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:50,628
THINGS SHE CONTENDS, NOT ABOUT
THE PROBLEM OF RACISM, BUT SOME

478
00:28:50,695 --> 00:28:58,303
OF THE THINGS SHE SAYS IN "THE
1619 PROJECT."

479
00:28:58,369 --> 00:29:02,307
THERE WILL BE THINGS I COME AT
FROM THE LEFT, FROM THE RIGHT,

480
00:29:02,373 --> 00:29:05,610
BUT WHAT I WANT TO DO IS GET
PEOPLE TALKING, AND THAT'S WHAT

481
00:29:05,677 --> 00:29:09,214
YOU DO, AND HOPEFULLY THERE WILL
BE A MINUTE WHERE PEOPLE FORGET

482
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:13,051
ABOUT AN AUDIENCE -- WE WON'T
HAVE AN AUDIENCE, CAN'T AFFORD

483
00:29:13,118 --> 00:29:16,121
IT -- BUT THEY FORGET ABOUT THE
CAMERAS AND THE LIGHTS AND YOU

484
00:29:16,187 --> 00:29:19,157
HAVE A REAL MOMENT OF
INTERACTION, AND PEOPLE AT HOME

485
00:29:19,224 --> 00:29:24,262
WILL SIT THERE AND GO, MAN, I
DON'T SEE THAT ON TV.

486
00:29:24,329 --> 00:29:27,065
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK

487
00:29:27,132 --> 00:29:29,868
ABOUT SOMEBODY YOU SPOKE
STRAIGHT TO, ASKED TOUGH

488
00:29:29,934 --> 00:29:34,305
QUESTIONS, CHALLENGED IN YOUR
OWN WAY, AND THAT IS THIS

489
00:29:34,372 --> 00:29:37,709
INTERVIEW YOU HAD WITH VLADIMIR
PUTIN IN 2018.

490
00:29:37,775 --> 00:29:41,346
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO
BE IN THE ROOM WITH HIM?

491
00:29:41,412 --> 00:29:45,517
>> IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN HE COMES IN THE ROOM AT

492
00:29:45,583 --> 00:29:49,420
FIRST, HE KIND OF DOES THIS,
SLOUCHES BACK, LIKE THE BORED

493
00:29:49,487 --> 00:29:52,891
KID IN THE BACK TO HAVE THE
ROOM, NOT REALLY PAYING MUCH

494
00:29:52,957 --> 00:29:55,727
ATTENTION TO YOU, DOESN'T GIVE
YOU MUCH CONTACT, BUT AT ONE

495
00:29:55,793 --> 00:29:59,597
POINT, SERIOUSLY, IN THE RUSSIAN
EMBASSY, IN HELSINKI RIGHT AFTER

496
00:29:59,664 --> 00:30:04,302
THE SUMMIT WITH TRUMP, I SAID TO
HIM, WHY IS IT, MR. PRESIDENT,

497
00:30:04,369 --> 00:30:09,174
THAT SO MANY PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE
YOU END UP DEAD?

498
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:11,176
( LAUGHTER )
FROM THAT MOMENT ON -- I SHOULD

499
00:30:11,242 --> 00:30:14,612
ASK THAT TO WILL SMITH, TOO.
( LAUGHTER )

500
00:30:14,679 --> 00:30:20,318
FROM THAT MOMENT ON, I HAD HIS
UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, THOSE ICE

501
00:30:20,385 --> 00:30:25,290
BLUE EYES PIERCING INTO YOU, AND
I WOULD SAY HIS SENSE OF

502
00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:29,494
GRIEVANCE, HE FEELS THE WEST HAS
PUSHED RUSSIA AROUND, I GOT THAT

503
00:30:29,561 --> 00:30:33,364
FROM THE INTERVIEW, HIS TOUGH
QUESTION, WHEN I ASKED WHY SO

504
00:30:33,431 --> 00:30:37,835
MANY PEOPLE END UP DEAD, HE SAID
WELL WE ALL HAVE OUR DOMESTIC

505
00:30:37,902 --> 00:30:38,937
PROBLEMS.
>> Stephen: WOW.

506
00:30:39,003 --> 00:30:40,071
BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A
RATIONAL ACTOR AND THAT'S NOT

507
00:30:40,138 --> 00:30:42,907
WHAT I'VE SEEN THIS LAST MONTH.
>> Stephen: HOW HAS THE

508
00:30:42,974 --> 00:30:46,044
RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE
CHANGED YOUR VIEW?

509
00:30:46,110 --> 00:30:53,985
>> IF HE WINS HE LOSES AND IF HE
LOSES HE LOSES.

510
00:30:54,052 --> 00:30:56,955
HE'S A PARIAH.
HOW DOES HE GO BACK TO MEETING

511
00:30:57,021 --> 00:30:59,057
WITH WORLD LEADERS?
HOW DOES RUSSIA, AS LONG AS HE'S

512
00:30:59,123 --> 00:31:01,793
IN POWER, GO BACK TO HAVING AN
ECONOMY?

513
00:31:01,859 --> 00:31:04,629
SO WHAT'S HIS END GAME?
>> Stephen: WOULD THAT BE YOUR

514
00:31:04,696 --> 00:31:06,731
QUESTION IF YOU HAD THE SAME
WILL SMITH SITUATION?

515
00:31:06,798 --> 00:31:10,735
WELL, IF YOU HAD ONE QUESTION TO
ASK --

516
00:31:10,802 --> 00:31:13,071
>> YEAH, I THINK IT WOULD BE --
HOW DOES THIS END?

517
00:31:13,137 --> 00:31:15,240
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GUESS
POORLY.

518
00:31:15,306 --> 00:31:18,610
>> FOR ME OR FOR RUSSIA?
( LAUGHTER )

519
00:31:18,676 --> 00:31:21,579
>> Stephen: DEPENDS ON WHETHER
YOU ASK HIM IN PERSON.

520
00:31:21,646 --> 00:31:25,250
>> YEAH, WELL --
( LAUGHTER )

521
00:31:25,316 --> 00:31:27,285
>> Stephen: CHRIS, LOVELY TO
SEE YOU.

522
00:31:27,352 --> 00:31:31,789
HOPE IT'S THE FIRST OF MANY
TRIPS OVER FROM CNN+.

523
00:31:31,856 --> 00:31:33,858
>> I'D LOVE THAT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A BOOKING.

524
00:31:33,925 --> 00:31:36,427
CAN I SAY ONE THING?
THERE'S ONE PERSON I WOULD LOVE

525
00:31:36,494 --> 00:31:38,963
TO HAVE ON THE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL WE HAVE

526
00:31:39,030 --> 00:31:42,800
TIME FOR.
( LAUGHTER )

527
00:31:42,867 --> 00:31:44,969
>> SCOUTS HONOR -- SO WE HAVE
BEEN ASKING HIS AGENT, WE HAVE

528
00:31:45,036 --> 00:31:48,439
BEEN ASKING HIS EXECUTIVE
PRODUCER, AND WHAT WE KEEP BEING

529
00:31:48,506 --> 00:31:51,042
TOLD IS HIS PRODUCTION SCHEDULE
DOESN'T PERMIT IT.

530
00:31:51,109 --> 00:31:59,083
DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS?
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE.

531
00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:00,418
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL GET JON FOR YOU.

532
00:32:00,485 --> 00:32:02,520
>> SO YOU SAID THIS IS A
BOOKING.

533
00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,890
>> Stephen: YEAH.
WILL YOU SIT DOWN AND TALK TO

534
00:32:05,957 --> 00:32:07,925
CHRIS WALLACE?
>> Stephen: WILL I TALK TO

535
00:32:07,992 --> 00:32:13,464
CHCHRIS WALLACE?
WHAT'S THE ONE QUESTION CHRIS

536
00:32:13,531 --> 00:32:17,969
WALLACE WANTS TO ASK ME --
>> WHEN YOU WOKE UP AT 3:00 THIS

537
00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:19,704
MORNING --
>> Stephen: IT'S A DEAL!

538
00:32:19,771 --> 00:32:22,840
ALL RIGHT!
>> Stephen: WHO'S TALKING TO

539
00:32:22,907 --> 00:32:27,145
CHRIS WALLACE?
ME, EVIDENTLY,

540
00:32:27,211 --> 00:32:28,346
PREMIERES TOMORROW NIGHT ON
CNN+.

541
00:32:28,413 --> 00:32:29,414
CHRIS WALLACE, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF

542
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:31,783
"NCIS," WILMER VALDERRAMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

543
00:32:50,368 --> 00:32:54,472
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW-GRAM,

544
00:32:54,539 --> 00:32:58,976
THE BROADCAST.
MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU

545
00:32:59,043 --> 00:33:03,114
KNOW FROM, "THAT '70S SHOW,"
"NCIS," AND "ENCANTO."

546
00:33:03,181 --> 00:33:08,453
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW,
WILMER VALDERRAMA

547
00:33:08,519 --> 00:33:23,067
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )

548
00:33:23,134 --> 00:33:24,369
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

549
00:33:24,435 --> 00:33:25,970
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.

550
00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:29,607
>> I AM█ SO PROUD TO BE HERE AND
IN NEW YORK CITY.

551
00:33:29,674 --> 00:33:32,143
GUYS, IT IS SO GOOD TO BE BACK
HERE.

552
00:33:32,210 --> 00:33:33,311
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK, YOU KNOW,

553
00:33:33,378 --> 00:33:35,847
SINCE THE WHOLE THING.
>> Stephen: I KNOW IT WASN'T

554
00:33:35,913 --> 00:33:38,116
EASY FOR YOU TO BE HERE.
YOU WERE AT THE OSCARS LAST

555
00:33:38,182 --> 00:33:39,083
NIGHT.
>> YEAH.

556
00:33:39,150 --> 00:33:42,820
>> Stephen: BECAUSE "ENCANTO"
WAS NOMINATED.

557
00:33:42,887 --> 00:33:46,057
ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPEN --
( LAUGHTER )

558
00:33:46,124 --> 00:33:49,961
-- LAST NIGHT, WILMER?
>> YOU KNOW, I GUESS THIS IS

559
00:33:50,027 --> 00:33:54,265
INTERESTING -- SO I WATCHED
THE -- YOU KNOW, I WAS TAKING

560
00:33:54,332 --> 00:34:00,138
THE RED EYE LAST NIGHT TO COME
OVER HERE, YOU KNOW, SO, I WAIT

561
00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:05,777
AND WATCH THE -- WE TALK ABOUT
THE BRUNO PERFORMANCE, WHICH IS

562
00:34:05,843 --> 00:34:06,911
AWESOME
( APPLAUSE )

563
00:34:06,978 --> 00:34:10,715
BY THE WAY, EVERYBODY TALKED
ABOUT BRUNO IN THAT SONG.

564
00:34:10,782 --> 00:34:13,851
IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD FOR
EVERYBODY INVOLVED.

565
00:34:13,918 --> 00:34:17,155
>> Stephen: GOTCHA.
I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, GOT TO GET

566
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:19,924
TO THE AIRPORT.
AS SOON AS I WAS IN THE CAR.

567
00:34:19,991 --> 00:34:21,492
DID YOU SEE?
DID YOU WATCH?

568
00:34:21,559 --> 00:34:24,328
WERE YOU THERE?
AND I SAID, WHAT HAPPENED?

569
00:34:24,395 --> 00:34:27,498
ULTIMATELY, I MISDZ MISSED THE
ENTIRE THING.

570
00:34:27,565 --> 00:34:28,032
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YEAH, JUST BECAUSE I WAS COMING

571
00:34:28,099 --> 00:34:30,067
TO SEE YOU.
SO --

572
00:34:30,134 --> 00:34:32,203
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M
GRATEFUL.

573
00:34:32,270 --> 00:34:34,405
I'M GRATEFUL.
I'M GRATEFUL.

574
00:34:34,472 --> 00:34:36,474
( APPLAUSE )
AT LEAST YOU CAN SAY I WAS IN NO

575
00:34:36,541 --> 00:34:40,511
WAY INVOLVED IN THAT SITUATION.
I'M OUT CLEAN.

576
00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:42,213
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: YOUR FILM

577
00:34:42,280 --> 00:34:47,151
"ENCANTO," IT WON THE OSCARS.
CONGRATULATIONS.

578
00:34:47,218 --> 00:34:48,419
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( APPLAUSE )

579
00:34:48,486 --> 00:34:50,321
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A YOUNG
DAUGHTER, RIGHT?

580
00:34:50,388 --> 00:34:53,491
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS SHE?

581
00:34:53,558 --> 00:34:54,692
ABOUT 14 MONTHS.
>> Stephen: OKAY.

582
00:34:54,759 --> 00:34:57,562
IS SHE OLD ENOUGH TO PLAY THE
"ENCANTO" SOUND TRACK FOR HER?

583
00:34:57,628 --> 00:34:59,363
>> SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE OLD
ENOUGH.

584
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,966
I MEAN, WE PLAYED IT FOR HER
REGARDLESS, RIGHT.

585
00:35:02,033 --> 00:35:08,072
SO EVERY SINGLE MORNING SINCE
THE MOVIE RELEASE AD, WE PLAYED

586
00:35:08,139 --> 00:35:12,243
THE SOUND TRACK FOR HER, AND NOW
SHE CAN STAND UP, YOU KNOW.

587
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:14,345
SHE HOLDS HERSELF UP, SHE CLAPS
HER HANDS.

588
00:35:14,412 --> 00:35:18,483
IT'S VERY FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S
GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE, YOU

589
00:35:18,549 --> 00:35:21,018
KNOW, SHE'S STARTING TO KIND OF
IDENTIFY DANCING, SO SHE'S

590
00:35:21,085 --> 00:35:25,256
BOUNCING A LITTLE BIT, AND LAST
WEEK SHE STARTED MAKING REALLY

591
00:35:25,323 --> 00:35:26,257
SUSPECT MOVES.
( LAUGHTER )

592
00:35:26,324 --> 00:35:28,259
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY SUSPECT MOVES?

593
00:35:28,326 --> 00:35:32,997
>> YOU KNOW, SHE DO ONE OF
THESE, AND THEN SHE'D DO ONE OF

594
00:35:33,064 --> 00:35:34,866
THESE.
( LAUGHTER )

595
00:35:34,932 --> 00:35:38,069
AND I WAS, LIKE -- THT IS --
>> Stephen: MAYBE HOLD IT

596
00:35:38,135 --> 00:35:39,370
RIGHT THERE?
>> YEAH.

597
00:35:39,437 --> 00:35:41,305
>> Stephen: MAYBE HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE?

598
00:35:41,372 --> 00:35:45,610
>> YEAH, MAYBE NO MORE "ENCANTO"
SOUND TRACK, YOU KNOW.

599
00:35:45,676 --> 00:35:49,113
IT LOOKED TOO CLOSE TO A TWERK.
( LAUGHTER )

600
00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:58,356
>> Stephen: YOU'RE STARTING IN
AN UPCOMING SERIES AZORO FOR

601
00:35:58,422 --> 00:36:01,926
DISNEY.
BEFORE I GET TO THE PHOTO, HOW

602
00:36:01,993 --> 00:36:05,830
FAMILIAR WERE YOU WITH ZORO
GROWING UP?

603
00:36:05,897 --> 00:36:08,099
>> VERY FAMILIAR.
IT'S THE DREAM OF MY LIFETIME TO

604
00:36:08,165 --> 00:36:10,768
BE ZORO.
SINCE I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD I

605
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:13,604
WANTED TO BE ZORO, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: SO THIS IS -- HERE

606
00:36:13,671 --> 00:36:20,311
WE ARE.
IS THIS --

607
00:36:20,378 --> 00:36:22,146
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS THIS YOU RIGHT

608
00:36:22,213 --> 00:36:24,715
HERE?
>> THAT'S NOT ME RIGHT THERE.

609
00:36:24,782 --> 00:36:27,018
>> Stephen: I GO BACK.
THIS IS YOU?

610
00:36:27,084 --> 00:36:29,887
>> HERE'S THE BACK STORY ON THIS
REALLY TELLING PICTURE.

611
00:36:29,954 --> 00:36:37,161
SO WHEN I -- YOU KNOW, I LIVED
IN VENEZUELA.

612
00:36:37,228 --> 00:36:39,830
IN CARNIVAL YOU GO TO SCHOOL AND
DRESS UP.

613
00:36:39,897 --> 00:36:43,401
I USED TO DRESS LIKE ZORO EVERY
SINGLE YEAR.

614
00:36:43,467 --> 00:36:46,203
AND MY FRIEND CALLED ME THE
NIGHT BEFORE AND SAID I'M GOING

615
00:36:46,270 --> 00:36:48,739
TO BE SORRY TO TOMORROW.
AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

616
00:36:48,806 --> 00:36:52,777
SO I WANTED TO SEND HIM A
MESSAGE AND I WORE THE COSTUME

617
00:36:52,843 --> 00:36:55,146
AND FOLLOWED HIM EVERYWHERE IN
THE SCHOOL.

618
00:36:55,212 --> 00:36:59,116
>> Stephen: WATCH OUT.
( APPLAUSE )

619
00:36:59,183 --> 00:37:03,821
WHO'S THIS?
>> THAT'S MY LITTLE SISTER

620
00:37:03,888 --> 00:37:05,856
MARILYN.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

621
00:37:05,923 --> 00:37:08,960
WE'RE BOTH PART OF THE "NCIS"
FAMILY HERE.

622
00:37:09,026 --> 00:37:13,197
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU JOINED "NCIS"

623
00:37:13,264 --> 00:37:20,271
IN '14, NOW IT'S IN SEASON 19.
THAT'S A LOT OF NAVAL CRIME.

624
00:37:20,338 --> 00:37:23,207
HOW MUCH CRIME IS THERE ON AND
AROUND BOATS?

625
00:37:23,274 --> 00:37:24,609
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: AFTER HAVING DONE

626
00:37:24,675 --> 00:37:30,982
THAT FOR FIVE SEASONS, WE'RE IN
THE FIFTH EPEES SEASON, DO YOU

627
00:37:31,048 --> 00:37:34,385
THINK YOU COULD SOLVE A CRIME?
>> THAT'S AFTER LOADED QUESTION.

628
00:37:34,452 --> 00:37:38,155
AS ACTORS WE DO SOMETHING LONG
ENOUGH WE THINK WE CAN DO IT.

629
00:37:38,222 --> 00:37:46,530
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY ON
GRGRAY'S ANATOMY THINK THEY CANO

630
00:37:46,597 --> 00:37:48,866
SURGERY.
>> GOD FORBID THEY'RE IN A

631
00:37:48,933 --> 00:37:54,171
RESTAURANT OR SOMETHING, I'M NOT
A DOCTOR BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV.

632
00:37:54,238 --> 00:37:57,608
I THINK I COULD BE GOOD AT
SOLVING CRIMES BUT,

633
00:37:57,675 --> 00:38:01,012
UNFORTUNATELY, I THINK CRIME HAS
TO BE RIDICULOUSLY WEIRD AND

634
00:38:01,078 --> 00:38:03,714
TWISTED BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY
CASES WE HAVE ON THE SHOW.

635
00:38:03,781 --> 00:38:05,983
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: THERE ARE NO

636
00:38:06,050 --> 00:38:09,787
SIMPLE CRIMES.
>> IT HAS TO BE A WEIRD CLOWN

637
00:38:09,854 --> 00:38:13,190
THAT STEALS SWEATY CLOTHES AND
IT'S SOMETHING REALLY IMBRUESUM

638
00:38:13,257 --> 00:38:15,159
AND I BET I WOULD BE REALLY GOOD
AT THAT.

639
00:38:15,226 --> 00:38:18,763
>> Stephen: THE NEW "NCIS" IS
"NCIS" HAWAII.

640
00:38:18,829 --> 00:38:20,331
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AND THERE'S A

641
00:38:20,398 --> 00:38:22,466
CROSSOVER EPISODE.
I THINK IT'S TONIGHT.

642
00:38:22,533 --> 00:38:25,269
I COULDN'T WATCH IT BECAUSE I'M
INTERVIEWING YOU.

643
00:38:25,336 --> 00:38:28,472
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP

644
00:38:28,539 --> 00:38:29,640
HERE.
DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT'S

645
00:38:29,707 --> 00:38:32,309
HAPPENING IN HAWAII.
>> WE'RE WALKING THROUGH THE

646
00:38:32,376 --> 00:38:35,680
SACRED GROUNDS AND WE ROLL UP ON
SOMEONE AND WE DO COP STUFF.

647
00:38:35,746 --> 00:38:37,982
>> Stephen: YOU DO COP STUFF.
YEAH.

648
00:38:38,049 --> 00:38:40,051
>> Stephen: DON'T GET TOO
TECHNICAL.

649
00:38:40,117 --> 00:38:43,154
>> YEAH, NO, I GET IT.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING

650
00:38:43,220 --> 00:38:56,067
AWAY BUT IT'S A FAKE BAD GUY.
( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )

651
00:38:56,133 --> 00:39:11,015
>> TAKE IT AWAY.
SPECIAL AGENT TORRES.

652
00:39:11,082 --> 00:39:13,951
>> TAKE IT AWAY.
SPECIAL AGENT TORRES.

653
00:39:14,018 --> 00:39:18,189
WE MEET AT LAST.
>> I'M SORRY.

654
00:39:18,255 --> 00:39:23,427
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE.
>> REALLY?

655
00:39:23,494 --> 00:39:25,663
BUT I DO NEED YOU TO LOWER
THAT WEAPON.

656
00:39:25,730 --> 00:39:29,734
>> PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

657
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:33,070
>> Stephen: COP STUFF.
COP STUFF.

658
00:39:33,137 --> 00:39:35,139
( APPLAUSE )
VERY POLITE.

659
00:39:35,206 --> 00:39:40,544
>> Stephen: WILMER, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

660
00:39:40,611 --> 00:39:41,612
"NCIS" AIRS MONDAYS AT 9:00 P.M.
ON CBS.

661
00:39:41,679 --> 00:39:44,215
WILMER VALDERRAMA, EVERYBODY
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

662
00:40:02,833 --> 00:40:03,968
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

663
00:40:04,034 --> 00:40:06,504
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST

664
00:40:06,570 --> 00:40:10,441
WILL BE HANNAH GADSBY, AND I
GIVE SANDRA BULLOCK THE COLBERT

665
00:40:10,508 --> 00:40:12,476
QUESTIONERT.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.

666
00:40:12,543 --> 00:40:13,544
GOODNIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )