WILL SMITH STORMING THE STAGE AND SLAPPING CHRIS ROCK AFTER A
JOKE DIRECTED AT THE ACTOR'S WIFE.
>> SO, JUST A SHORT TIME LATER, SMITH WON THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR
BEST ACTOR. >> HE GETS A THUNDEROUS, LONG
OVATION FROM THE CROWD JUST 40 MINUTES AFTER HE ASSAULTED CHRIS
ROCK ON STAGE.
( LIGHT APPLAUSE FROM TWO OR THREE )
>> THANK YOU. UM -- UM --
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IF YOU WILL, LOOK RIGHT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!
TONIGHT, TALKING BACK. PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES CHRIS CHRS
WALLACE! AND WILMER VALDERRAMA, FEATURING
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN." AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( THEME SONG PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WHAT'S GOING ON?
HAPPY MONDAY! ( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN )
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU.
YOU'RE TOO KIND. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT, MY FRIENDS.
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S MONDAY, UNLESS YOU'RE CHRIS ROCK, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE HE
GOT SLAPPED INTO NEXT WEEK. ( RIM SHOT )
>> Stephen: EARLY IN THE MONOLOGUE FOR A RIM SHOT.
THANK YOU. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT,
LAST NIGHT CHRIS WAS PRESENTING THE OSCAR FOR BEST DOCUMENTARY,
AND HE MADE AN UNFLATTERING JOKE ABOUT JADA PINKETT SMITH THAT
HER HUSBAND, WILL, APPARENTLY DID NOT LIKE.
WHAT MAKES ME THINK THAT? THIS.
>> WOW. WOW.
WILL SMITH JUST SMACKED THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OF ME.
>> STEPHEN: WOW, INDEED. THAT'S THE WORST THING WILL
SMITH HAS EVER DONE. WAIT, I
FORGOT ABOUT "WILD, WILD WEST." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) HE'S NOT HERE, IS HE?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY.
THE WORST THING HE'S EVER DONE IS "GEMINI MAN."
( LAUGHTER ) SOMEONE SHOULD SLAP BOTH OF THE
GUYS IN THAT MOVIE. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN OSCAR HISTORY AS ONE OF THE MOST
CHAOTIC MOMENTS. UP THERE WITH THE STREAKER
BEHIND DAVID NIVEN IN '74, BRANDO SENDING UP SACHEEN
LITTLEFEATHER IN '73, AND 1959 WHEN TONY CURTIS SACK-TAPPED BOB
HOPE. ( LAUGHTER )
LET ME SAY SOMETHING AS AN OBJECTIVE OBSERVER: IT'S NEVER
OK TO PUNCH A COMEDIAN. ( APPLAUSE )
WHERE DO I FIND THE COURAGE? I'VE GOT TO SAY, WILL SMITH WAS
OFFENDED BY THE JOKE AND WANTED TO STAND UP TO HIS WIFE.
FINE. CHALLENGE CHRIS TO A DUEL OR, IF
YOU REALLY WANT TO HIT HIM: DON'T LAUGH.
IT HURTS MORE THAN A PUNCH. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THIS DOES PROVE ONE THING. CHRIS ROCK CAN TAKE A PUNCH.
WE'RE THE SAME AGE. HE'S A 57 YEAR OLD COMEDIAN.
LOOK AT THIS: POW!
CHRIS SHAKES IT OFF WITH ONE STEP!
WILL SMITH TRAINED FOR MONTHS TO PLAY MOHAMMED ALI.
I HAVE MET WILL SMITH. I HAVE SPOKEN TO HIM RIGHT OVER
THERE. HE'S GOT A HAND LIKE A FLANK
STEAK. IF WILL WANTED TO HIT SOMEBODY,
HE SHOULD HAVE PICKED SOMEBODY MORE APPROPRIATE, LIKE
JASON MOMOA OR LIZA MINNELLI.
( LAUGHTER ) AT THIS POINT, SHE'S CLEARLY
UNKILLABLE. SHE'S GOING TO LIVE FOREVER.
( LAUGHTER ) TODAY WE LEARNED THAT CHRIS
ISN'T PRESSING CHARGES. THAT'S BIG OF HIM.
BUT OF COURSE, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD, AND THERE ARE RULES.
YOU CAN'T JUST STORM A STAGE, PHYSICALLY ASSAULT SOMEONE ON
CAMERA, AND THEN GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT.
THERE HAVE TO BE CONSEQUENCES -- LIKE WINNING THE OSCAR FOR BEST
ACTOR AND RECEIVING A STANDING OVATION, THEN PARTYING ALL
NIGHT. WHO SAYS HOLLYWOOD SENDS A BAD
TO OUR KIDS? (AS PARENT)
"YOU SEE THAT JOHNNY. YOU SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS WITH
VIOLENCE, EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU AND GIVE YOU GOLDEN STATUES.
NOW, OFF TO THE AFTER-PARTY MISTER -- YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF
YOUR OWN MUSIC TO DANCE TO YOU GO GET JIGGY WITH IT."
GO GET JIGGY! GO, GO!
HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS CARS. EVERYBODY GOT 'EM!
WANT TO SEE CLEAR STRAIGHT TO THE BOTTOM!
YOU ARE GOING TO MIAMI! ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HOWEVER YOU FEEL ABOUT CELEBRITY-ON CELEBRITY VIOLENCE,
APPARENTLY YOU LOVE IT, BECAUSE THE OSCAR'S RATINGS SHOWED A
56% IMPROVEMENT. SO GET READY FOR NEXT YEAR'S
95TH ACADEMY AWARD OSCAR SLAPTACULAR DEATH MATCH.
FIVE NOMINEES ENTER, ONE EXITS. RIDICULOUS!
RIDICULOUS!
ACROSS THE GLOBE IN UKRAINE, PUTIN'S CRIMINAL WAR CONTINUES
TO GRIND AHEAD, BUT FOR RUSSIA, IT HASN'T BEEN A CAKEWALK.
OR AS THEY CALL IT, A TURNIP JOG.
( LAUGHTER ) OVER THE PAST FEW WEEKS
RUSSIAN FORCES HAVE SUFFERED HEAVY LOSSES AND HAVE BEEN
THWARTED IN THEIR PRIMARY OBJECTIVES: TO CONTROL THE
COUNTRY'S MAIN CITIES, INCLUDING KYIV.
SO, THE RUSSIAN MILITARY ANNOUNCED A CHANGE OF STRATEGY.
OVER THE WEEKEND, RUSSIA SAID THE FIRST PHASE OF THE WAR IS
OVER. YES!
OVER! EVERYTHING'S GOING ACCORDING TO
PLAN. THAT PLAN?
(RUSSIAN) "PHASE ONE: WE LOSE.
PHASE TWO: WAR IS OVER." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE WIN! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) I DON'T HAVE THE KNEES FOR IT.
INSTEAD OF TOPPLING KYIV, EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT RUSSIA'S
NEW OBJECTIVE IS TO SPLIT THE COUNTRY BETWEEN REGIONS IT
CONTROLS AND REGIONS IT DOES NOT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE STARTING TO SCARE THE SCHOOL BULLY WHEN HE
GOES FROM (AS BULLY)
"GIMMIE YOUR LUNCH MONEY" TO (AS BULLY, WINCING)
"TELL YA WHAT, YOU KEEP YOUR LUNCH MONEY, I'LL KEEP MY LUNCH
MONEY, AND I'LL LIMIT MY WEDGIES TO YOUR BUTT'S EASTERN REGIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WEEKEND, PRESIDENT BIDEN
TRAVELED TO EUROPE TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR UKRAINE AND RALLY
WORLD ALLIES. THE PRESIDENT GAVE A STIRRING
SPEECH IN WARSAW, THEN ENDED IT WITH A LITTLE AD-LIB, A
FREE-BALL, A LIL' MAKE 'EM UP THAT WAS 100% PURE SCRAPPY
SCRANTON: >> UKRAINE WILL NEVER BE A
VICTORY FOR RUSSIA -- FOR FREE PEOPLE REFUSE TO LIVE IN A WORLD
OF HOPELESSNESS AND DARKNESS. FOR GOD'S SAKE, THIS MAN CANNOT
REMAIN IN POWER. (AS BIDEN)
"C'MON JACK, I KNOW I'M NOT S'POSED TO SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S
-- LET'S JUST -- LET'S JUST -- I'M JUST -- I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO
SAY IT, BUT PUTIN'S GOTTA HOP THE NEXT CHOO-CHOO TO
GOODBYE JUNCTION I'M SHOOTIN' STRAIGHT FROM THE HIP
REPLACEMENT, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY OTHER STUFF.
WE'RE ALL THINKIN' CHRIS ROCK WAS OUTTA LINE.
IF HE MADE A CRACK ABOUT DOCTOR JILL, I'D HAVE JUMPED UP ON THAT
STAGE AND GIVEN HIS FINGER A GOOD CHOMP DOWN TO KNUCKLE
NUMBER 2, THEN I'D WIN THE OSCAR FOR MOST TEETH.
C'MON, WANDA!" NOW, OFFICIALLY, AMERICAN POLICY
IS NOT TO CALL FOR REGIME CHANGE, SO THIS WAS A BIT OF A
GAFFE. BUT WHEN YOU'VE ALREADY CALLED
SOMEONE A WAR CRIMINAL, IT WOULD SEEM WEIRD IF YOU ALSO THOUGHT
THEY SHOULD KEEP THEIR JOB. THERE'S A REASON WINSTON
CHURCHILL DIDN'T SAY THIS: >> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE
BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE LANDING GROUNDS, BUT LET'S
PUMP THE BRAKES ON REPLACING HITLER AS CHANCELLOR.
EVERYONE DESERVES A MULLIGAN ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: ON SUNDAY, SECRETARY OF STATE ANTONY BLINKEN TRIED TO
WALK BACK THE PRESIDENT'S REMARKS.
>> AS YOU KNOW AND YOU'VE HEARD US SAY REPEATEDLY, WE DO NOT
HAVE A STRATEGY OF REGIME CHANGE IN RUSSIA OR ANYWHERE ELSE FOR
THAT MATTER. >> STEPHEN: INTERESTING POINT.
HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS -- WE DO NOT HAVE A STRATEGY OF
REGIME CHANGE IN RUSSIA OR ANYWHERE ELSE.
INTERESTING POINT. HERE WITH A REBUTTAL IS SADDAM
HUSSEIN'S HEAD IN A BOX. PRESIDENT HUSSEIN, IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE THE SAY? ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THERE ARE SOME EXCEPTIONS.
WHETHER OR NOT WE'RE OFFICIALLY TRYING TO REPLACE PUTIN, AMERICA
AND ITS ALLIES CONTINUE TO SANCTION HIS NIPPLES DOWN TO THE
NUB. AND HE'S PUSHING BACK.
OVER THE WEEKEND, HE GAVE A SPEECH IN WHICH HE TOOK UP THE
CONSERVATIVE TALKING POINT THAT OPPOSING HIS WAR IS CANCEL
CULTURE. (AS PUTIN)
"THEY WILL CANCEL MOTHER RUSSIA JUST LIKE THEY DID MR. POTATO
HEAD'S BEAUTIFUL PENIS. HIS PENIS -- IS POTATO.
( LAUGHTER ) GET THAT OUT THERE.
DISTURBING TO LOOK AT THAT BOX FOR TOO LONG.
( LAUGHTER ) PUTIN ALSO COMPARED HIMSELF TO
HARRY POTTER AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING, WHO'S COME UNDER FIRE
FOR REPEATEDLY TWEETING ANTI-TRANS SENTIMENTS.
VLAD SAID: (RUSSIAN ACCENT)
"NOT SO LONG AGO, THEY CANCELED CHILDREN'S AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING
WHOSE BOOKS WERE SPREAD ALL OVER THE WORLD IN THE HUNDREDS OF
MILLIONS OF COPIES, BECAUSE SHE DID NOT PLEASE FANS OF SO-CALLED
GENDER FREEDOMS. TODAY THEY ARE TRYING TO ABOLISH
AN ENTIRE 1,000-YEAR-OLD COUNTRY, OUR PEOPLE."
NO SURPRISE PUTIN LIKES J.K. ROWLING.
HE'S INDEBTED TO HER EVER SINCE SHE GAVE HIM THE SOCK THAT
SET HIM FREE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APLAUSE ) THAT WAS A LONG WALK, RIGHT?
BUT WORTH IT. >> Jon: THAT'S A LONG WALK.
WOTH THE WAIT. WORTH THE WALK.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: BACK CLOSER TO
HOME, THERE'S MORE DUMB STUFF COMING OUT OF THE
MOUTH OF NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN AND FRAT BRO TELLING
THE PLEDGES WHERE TO SHOVE THAT WRIGGLING GOLDFISH, MADISON
CAWTHORN. CAWTHORN RECENTLY APPEARED ON
SOMETHING CALLED, "THE WARRIOR POET SOCIETY."
SOUNDS RIDICULOUS, BUT I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR WARRIOR
POETS. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT
TAKES TO WRITE A SONNET WITH AN AR-15?
GU GU GU GU GU -- GU GU GU GU G- COMPARE THEE -- GU GU GU GU
GU -- ( APPLAUSE )
ON THE SOCIETY, CAWTHORN EXPLAINED WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER
MEET YOUR HEROES. >> THE SEXUAL PERVERSION THAT
GOES ON IN WASHINGTON, I MEAN BEING IT KIND OF A YOUNG GUY IN
WASHINGTON WITH THE AVERAGE AGE PROBABLY 60 OR 70 - AND I LOOK
AT ALL THESE PEOPLE AND A LOT OF THEM THAT I'VE LOOKED UP TO
THROUGH MY LIFE, ALWAYS PAID ATTENTION TO POLITICS, GUYS
THAT- THEN ALL THE SUDDEN YOU GET INVITED TO, LIKE, WELL HEY,
WE'RE GONNA HAVE KIND OF A SEXUAL GET TOGETHER AT ONE OF
OUR HOMES, YOU SHOULD COME AND I'M, LIKE, WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK
ME TO COME TO? AND THEN YOU REALIZE THEY'RE
ASKING YOU TO COME TO AN ORGY. >> STEPHEN: YEAH, IT TOOK HIM A
SECOND TO REALIZE IT WAS AN ORGY BECAUSE SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER IS
SO SUBTLE. ( LAUGHTER )
COME (WINKS)
NAKED AND READY FOR (WINKS)
SEX WITH YOUR (WINKS)
PENIS. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, CAWTHORN DOESN'T NAME NAMES.
BUT HE'S A STAUNCH MAGA REPUBLICAN, SO I DOUBT HE'S
GETTING INVITED TO THE DEMOCRATIC ORGIES.
AND THE STRANGELY FOLKSY NATURE OF SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER MEANS HE
MUST BE TALKING ABOUT THE FAMED REPUBLICAN FLESH PIT:
CHUCK GRASSLEY'S ASS JAMBOREE. (AS GRASSLEY)
"WELCOME TO THE SEXUAL GET-TOGETHER.
THERE'LL BE SOME SCREWING AND CHEWING, SOME POKING AND
STROKING; SOME YANKING AND SPANKING.
THERE'S GONNA BE VARIOUS JELLIES ON VARIOUS BELLIES.
AND FISHSTICKS. SO GRAB A NAME TAG AND SOME
NIPPLE CLAMPS AND GO RIGHT IN. I'M CHUCK GRASSLEY, AND I
APPROVE THIS MASSAGE." ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE CHRIS WALLACE AND NCIS' WILMER VALDERRAMA.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SOMEBODY'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE
JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
RIGHT THERE! "STAY HUMAN"!
LOUIS CATO, EVERYBODY, ON THE GUITAR SZ.
I HAVE TWO FANTASTIC GUESTS TONIGHT, A FRIEND OF THE SHOW
AND NEW RESIDENT CNN CHRIS WALLACE IS HERE TONIGHT.
PROS APPLAUSE MORE ALPHABET SOUP FROM "NCIS," WILMER VALDERRAMA
IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN A BIT.
( APPLAUSE ) , LOUIS, LET'S TALK ABOUT THE
ELEPHANT NOT IN THE ROOM. WHERE IS JOHN?
>> HE'S LIVING HIS BEST LIFE. ELEVEN GRAMMY NOMINEES.
>> Stephen: IS IT MONDAY OR SUNDAY.
>> SUNDAY. >> Stephen: WITH THAT MANY
NOMINATIONS, YOU HAVE TO GIVE THEM OUT AHEAD OF TIME.
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: HE HAS TO GO OUT
ON THE INSTALLMENT PLAN. DID YOU WATCH THE OSCARS LAST
NIGHT? >> I DID NOT.
I WOKE UP TO IT THIS MORNING. WHOO!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHO WOKE UP --
( LAUGHTER ) >> CHRIS ROCK.
>> Stephen: CHRIS ROCK. ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN WILL SMITH SLAPPED HIM. DID YOU THINK THAT WAS REAL?
>> I THINK IT WAS REAL. >> Stephen: YEAH.
WIWILL'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ACTOR TO PULL AT OFF.
( RIM SHOT ) >> WHOA!
>> Stephen: POP! ( LAUGHTER )
THE JANUARY 6TH SELECT COMMITTEE CONTINUES TO DO THEIR WORK, AND
TODAY, THEY GOT SOME GOOD NEWS THAT SPELLS TROUBLE FOR FORMER
PRESIDENT, "DON CON JOVI." BECAUSE A FEDERAL JUDGE RULED
THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT MORE LIKELY THAN NOT COMMITTED A
CRIME IN TRYING TO BLOCK THE CONFIRMATION OF BIDEN'S WIN.
I BELIEVE HE CITED THE LEGAL PRECEDENT OF
NO ( BLEEP ) V. SHERLOCK. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THE BOMBSHELL IS PART OF THE
ONGOING INVESTIGATION INTO DISGRACED LAWYER, JOHN EASTMAN,
SEEN HERE AT THE STAGED-READING OF HIS ONE-MAN "DOCTOR WHO"
MUSICAL. ( LAUGHTER )
ESTMAN WAS THE LAW PROFESSOR WHO BELIEVED THAT FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE COULD JUST REJECT INDIVIDUAL STATES'
ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES. FIRST O ALL, NO.
SECOND OF ALL, YOU WANT TO GIVE SOMEBODY UNLIMITED POWER, AND
YOU PICK MIKE PENCE? ( LAUGHTER )
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE POWER TO BE IN A ROOM WITH A WOMAN
WHO'S NOT HIS WIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
THE COMMITTEE HAS BEEN TRYING TO GET EASTMAN'S RECORDS AND EMAILS
FOR MONTHS. HE'S BEEN CLAIMING
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO LAWYERS
WHO HELP THEIR CLIENTS COMMIT A CRIME, AND IN THIS CASE, THE
JUDGE FOUND THAT THE ILLEGALITY OF THE PLAN WAS OBVIOUS.
( APPLAUSE ) YES!
HELL, YES! SAY IT!
EASTMAN PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE LABELED THE FOLDER
"CRIME IDEAS KEEP OUT." ( LAUGHTER )
THE JUDGE ADDED THAT EVERY AMERICAN -- AND CERTAINLY THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES KNOWS THAT IN A DEMOCRACY,
LEADERS ARE ELECTED, NOT INSTALLED.
NORMALLY, THIS WOULD BE A GREAT POINT.
( APPLAUSE ) I AGREE.
IT'S A LOVELY THING TO SAY, AND NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A GREAT
POINT, BUT THE FORMER PRESIDENT DOESN'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THE
AMERICAN GOVERNMENT. HE THINKS THE SUPREME COURT IS
JUST A REGULAR COURT WITH EXTRA SOUR CREAM AND GUAC.
( LAUGHTER ) THANKS TO THIS NEW RULING
EASTMAN HAS BEEN ORDERED TO TURN OVER 101 EMAILS.
HELL, YES! THEY'RE GETTING HIS EMAILS!
NOW THE COMMITTEE'S GOING TO KNOW WHETHER THE FORMER
PRESIDENT TRIED TO TURN OUR COUNTRY INTO A BANANA REPUBLIC -
AND THEY'LL KNOW IF BANANA REPUBLIC OFFERED EASTMAN 40% OFF
SELECTED MEN'S SEPARATES. ( LAUGHTER )
IT'S A GOOD DEAL. FOR THE SPRING.
( APPLAUSE ) ANOTHER PERSON IN THE JAN 6TH
COMMITTEE IS INTERESTED IN TALKING TO IS THE WIFE OF
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS, CONSERVATIVE ACTIVIST
AND WOMAN DREAMING OF AN EVEN MORE AGGRESSIVE SCARF, GINNI
THOMAS. THOMAS IS AN EXTREME ELECTION
FRAUD TRUTHER, AND LAST THURSDAY, WE FOUND OUT THAT
AFTER THE ELECTION, SHE SENT A BARRAGE OF TEXTS
IMPLORING THE FORMER PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF, MARK MEADOWS, TO
TKE STEPS TO OVERTURN THE VOTE. MEADOWS THAT IS HUGE.
THE WIFE OF A SITTING SUPREME COURT JUSTICE CONSPIRED WITH THE
PRESIDENT'S CHIEF OF STAFF TO THROW OUT THE RESULTS OF A FREE
AND FAIR ELECTION. AND SHE NEVER EVEN INVENTED A
PILLOW. ( LAUGHTER )
IN ONE MESSAGE -- HOW HARD COULD IT BE TO INVENT A PILLOW?
PUT SOMETHING IN SOMETHING ELSE AND LIE ON IT.
( LAUGHTER ) IN ONE, THOMAS URGED MEADOWS TO
"SAVE US FROM THE LEFT TAKING AMERICA DOWN" AND TO, "RELEASE
THE KRAKEN." ( LAUGHTER )
A REFERENCE TO THE B-MOVIE, "CLASH OF THE TITANS."
WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THE SOUND OF TREASON WOULD BE A RANDOM
MOVIE QUOTE. WHO CAN FORGET THE WORDS OF JOHN
WILKES BOOTH? SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS.
THIS IS SPARTA YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
(AS BORAT) MY WIIIIIFE
MY WIIIIIFE
( APPLAUSE ) NOT ALL OF THOMAS'S TEXTS WERE
SUCCINCT, BECAUSE SHE ALSO QUOTED LANGUAGE FROM RANDOM
WEBSITES THAT SAID BIDEN CRIME FAMILY AND BALLOT
FRAUD CO-CONSPIRATORS -- FAKE STREAM MEDIA REPORTERS, ETC --
ARE BEING ARRESTED & DETAINED FOR BALLOT FRAUD RIGHT NOW &
OVER COMING DAYS, AND WILL BE LIVING IN BARGES OFF GITMO TO
FACE MILITARY TRIBUNALS FOR SEDITION, AND THEN SHE ADDED:
I HOPE THIS IS TRUE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT? YOU CAN'T PUT OUT THAT MUCH
INFORMATION AND THEN UNDERCUT IT WITH A "HUH"?
DARWIN DIDN'T END THE ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES WITH:
HUGE IF TRUE. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS WALLACE.
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW"! SON CBS -- ON CBS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY FIRST GUEST IS AN EMMY AND
PEABODY AWARD WINNING JOURNALIST WHO SPENT 18 YEARS AT FOX NEWS.
BUT HAS NOW COME TO HIS SENSES AND HE HAS
NOW JOINED THE NEW STREAMING SERVICE CNN+.
HIS NEW SHOW "WHO'S TALKING TO CHRIS WALLACE?" PREMIERES
TOMORROW NIGHT. PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE
SHOW, CHRIS WALLACE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU BACK.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE. >> SO, STEPHEN, I'VE GOT A
QUESTION -- >> Stephen: I ASK THE
QUESTIONS ON MY SHOW. >> NO, NO, I'VE GOT A
QUESTION -- >> Stephen: I TELL YOU WHAT, I
ALSO HAVE AN EDITOR, SO GO AHEAD AND ASK.
>> SOME PEOPLE WOULD COVERT SAY YOU ARE A COMEDIAN, RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ID DEPENDS ON THE CROWD.
>> SO HAS ANYONE EVER COME UP OUT OF THE CROWD AND GIVEN YOU A
SMACK RIGHT ACROSS THE FACE? >> Stephen: NO, BECAUSE I HAVE
A GOOD SECURITY TEAM. >> SO THEY COME OUT BUT THEY GE-
>> Stephen: 100 PERCENT -- LIKE A JAVELIN.
ACTUAL TRUE STORY, PEOPLE USED TO ASK ME WHEN I DID THE COLBERT
REPORT, WHEN I WENT INTO CONGRESSMEN'S OFFICE AND SAY
TERRIBLE THINGS TO THEM, PEOPLE WOULD SAY HOW DO YOU KEEP A
STRAIGHT FACE? IT'S OBVIOUS BECAUSE I THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO PUNCH ME. I RESPECT YOU AS A JOURNALIST,
YOU HAVE HEFT, INTEGRITY, AND I HAVE RIBBED YOU OVER THE YEARS A
FEW TIMES ABILITY WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE A FOX NEWS, GIVEN THE
FACT THAT -- >> YOU HAVE WORN ME OUT ON THIS
SUBJECT. >> Stephen: SEE, WORN YOU OUT.
YOU SEEM TO THINK THIS IS PERHAPS NOT A FAIR ALLEY OF
INQUIRY. >> NO, I JUST THINK YOU HAVE
FLOGGED THIS HORSE OVER AND OVER FOR YEAR AFTER YEAR.
>> Stephen: YEAH, BUT YOU'VE ONLY RECENTLY ADMITTED I WAS
RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
>> SO I THINK YOU SHOULD TAKE YES FOR AN ANSWER AND WE CAN
MOVE ON TO MY NEW SHOW. >> Stephen: OH, WE'LL
DEFINITELY MOVE ON TO YOUR NEW SHOW, AND I ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW SHOW
"WHO'S TALKING TO CHRIS WALLACE?" I'LL BITE.
WHO? >> WE LAUNCH TOMORROW CNN+.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXCITING. VERY EXCITING.
MY FIRST GUEST IS GOING TO BE I THINK ONE OF THE GREAT AMERI
AMERICANS, ADMIRAL WILLIAM McRAVEN, ED OF THE U.S.
SPECIAL OPERATIONS COMMAND, THE COMAN WHO BROUGHT DOWN
BIN LADEN, THE MAN WHO RESCUED CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, THE MAN WHO
CAPTURED SADDAM HUSSEIN, AND I CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY BETTER TO
TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT'S GOING ON N UKRAINE AND TO TALK
ABOUT HOW WE FACE THE CHALLENGES WE FACE BECAUSE, AS YOU WELL
KNOW, I'M SURE HE'S BEEN ON THIS SHOW, HE'S AN EXPERT ON
LEADERSHIP. ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT, WE'VE GOT
NEIL ACUNAS AND ASHTON KUTCHER, THEY HAVE SPEND TIME RAISING
OVER A MILLION DOLLARS FOR UKRAINE.
THURSDAY WE'LL TALK ABOUT THE FORMER HEAD OF DISNEY.
SO IT'S GOING TO BE A MIX OF GUESTS.
SO, YOU KNOW, AND ONE OF THE REASONS I WANTED TO MAKE THIS
MOVE, I LOVE STREAMING. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO A
COMMERCIAL, I DON'T. I CAN JUST HAVE A CONVERSATION
FOR 45 MINUTES. >> Stephen: WOW.
YEAH, SERIOUSLY. >> Stephen: THAT'S A PRETTY
HOSTILE THING FOR YOU TO SAY, THAT I HAVE TO GO TO A
COMMERCIAL. >> OH, YOU CAN DISH IT OUT BUT
YOU CAN'T TAKE IT! >> Stephen: I'M NOT GOING TO
SLAP YOU BECAUSE I'M A GENTLEMEN.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE A QUESTION.
YOU'RE GREAT AT ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTION IN THE RIGHT MOMENT.
WHAT WOULD YOU ASK WILL SMITH IF YOU COULD SIT DOWN WITH HIM?
WHAT WOULD THE FIRST QUESTION BE?
>> ALL RIGHT, MY THOUGHT IS THAT YOU HAVE SPENT WITH YOUR TEAM OF
WRITERS ALL DAY COMING UP WITH A GREAT QUESTION.
>> Stephen: I KNOW, I HAVEN'T. YOU HAVEN'T.
>> Stephen: I REALLY -- YOU'RE GOING TO TOP ME.
>> Stephen: I PROMISE I WON'T. WHAT WOULD YOUR QUESTION BE?
>> I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE YOU DO.
IF YOU INTERVIEW PEOPLE FOR A LIVING, YOU THINK TO YOURSELF,
WHAT WOULD I ASK? >> Stephen: RIGHT.
WHY? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?
( APPLAUSE ) AND I THINK THE QUESTION I
ARRIVED AT WAS, WHEN YOU WOKE UP AT 3:00 THIS MORNING AND I KNOW
YOU DID, WHAT DID YOU THINK? >> Stephen: WOW, WOW -- YEAH,
I'M NOT SURE IF HE HAD GONE TO BED YET AT 3:00.
>> AS I FOUND OUT HE WAS GETTING JIGGY WITH IT.
>> Stephen: I'M JUST THINKING OF IT NOW.
>> OH, OH, SEE -- >> Stephen: I WOULD HAVE SAID,
LIKE, IS THAT THE HARDEST YOU CAN PUNCH?
BECAUSE HE'S A SMALL GUY. YOU'VE GOT AT LEAST FIVE INCHES
ON CHRIS ROCK AND PROBABLY 80 POUNDS.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE HEARD.
YOU ARE REALLY IMPRESSED CHRIS ROCK TOOK THE URCH.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE, CHRIS
WALLACE? >> HAVE YOU SEEN THIS FACE?
OF COURSE NOT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT PLEASANT.
HAVE YOU. >> Stephen: I HAVE.
YOU'VE HEARD THE EXPRESSION, YOU TALK LIKE A GUY WHO'S NEVER BEEN
PUNCHED IN THE FACE. YOU DO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?
>> Stephen: IT'S TERRIBLE. IT'S COMPLETELY DISORIENTING.
>> I HEAR IF IT'S A REALLY GOOD PUNCH YOU DON'T EVEN FEEL IT.
>> Stephen: I GUESS I DIDN'T GET A GOOD PUNCH BECAUSE I
REALLY FELT IT. MIKE TYSON'S FAMOUS QUOTE IS
EVERYBODY HAS A PLAN TILL THEY GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE.
TRUE. COMPLETELY DISORIENTED.
THE FACT CHRIS ROCK REMEMBERED ENGLISH WORDS IS SURPRISING TO
ME. >> EH HANDLED IT WELL.
>> Stephen: WE'LL COME BACK AND I'LL ASK CHRIS WHAT IT WAS
LIKE TO SIT DOWN WITH AN INTERVIEW WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.
STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WE'RE BACK HERE WITH THE WHO'S
OF "WHO'S TALKING TO CHRIS WALLACE?" ON CNN+, MR. CHRIS
WALLACE. CHRIS WALLACE, THERE'S BEEN A
LOT OF TALK ABOUT LOSS OF TRUST BY THE AMERICAN PUBLIC IN THE
MEDIA. IF YOU HAD A MAGIC WAND, YOU
COULD WAVE IT, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE EITHER PRESENTLY OR
HISTORICALLY ABOUT THE MEDIA TO TRY TO RESTORE THAT TRUST?
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION. >> Stephen: IT'S WHAT ADO,
BABY. ( LAUGHTER )
>> SO HERE'S WHAT I'D SAY. IN A FUNNY WAY, I'D BLAME MY
FATHER FOR THIS, MIKE WALLACE AND "60 MINUTES."
>> Stephen: WOW. WELL, YOU KNEW MY FATHER WAS
MIKE WALLACE. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE I DIDN'T
KNOW. >> Stephen: THE GUY COMES IN,
THROWS HIS DAD UNDER THE BUS ON THE QUESTION.
OKAY. >> NO, I THINK THE BIGGEST
PROBLEM WITH NEWS -- USED TO BE IN THE OLD DAYS, AND I CAN
REMEMBER GROWING UP WITH MY FATHER IN THE '70s, THAT NEWS
DIDN'T MAKE MONEY, IT WAS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT. ( APPLAUSE )
>> AND THE NETWORKS VIEWED IT AS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
AND THEN "60 MINUTES" CAME ALONG AND SHOWED YOU YOU COULD MAKE
PHENOMENAL AMOUNTS OF MONEY WITH THE NEWS BUSINESS.
>> Stephen: AND STILL BE NEWS. AND STILL BE NEWS.
BUT I THINK WHEN YOU LOOK AT WHAT GOES ON EVERYWHERE,
PROBABLY PARTICULARLY CABLE AND ON THE LEFT AS WELL AS RIGHT,
PEOPLE ARE CHASING AUDIENCES. SO I THINK IF THERE'S NOT -- IF
PEOPLE WOULD ACCEPT WE'RE NOT TRYING TO MAKE MONEY OFF THIS,
WE'RE JUST TRYING TO PERFORM A PUBLIC SERVICE, I THINK WE WOULD
HAVE BETTER NEWS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK. GOOD LUCK.
>> WE'RE GOING TO PLAY IT STRAIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY IT STRAIGHT, AS I ALWAYS DO, ON "WHO'S
TALKING TO CHRIS WALLACE?." I DID AN INTERVIEW WITH NICOLE
ANNA JONES, THE AUTHOR OF "THE 1619 PROJECT."
WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD CONVERSATION.
SHE SAID SHE ENJOYED IT, BUT I CHALLENGED HER ON SOME OF THE
THINGS SHE CONTENDS, NOT ABOUT THE PROBLEM OF RACISM, BUT SOME
OF THE THINGS SHE SAYS IN "THE 1619 PROJECT."
THERE WILL BE THINGS I COME AT FROM THE LEFT, FROM THE RIGHT,
BUT WHAT I WANT TO DO IS GET PEOPLE TALKING, AND THAT'S WHAT
YOU DO, AND HOPEFULLY THERE WILL BE A MINUTE WHERE PEOPLE FORGET
ABOUT AN AUDIENCE -- WE WON'T HAVE AN AUDIENCE, CAN'T AFFORD
IT -- BUT THEY FORGET ABOUT THE CAMERAS AND THE LIGHTS AND YOU
HAVE A REAL MOMENT OF INTERACTION, AND PEOPLE AT HOME
WILL SIT THERE AND GO, MAN, I DON'T SEE THAT ON TV.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT SOMEBODY YOU SPOKE STRAIGHT TO, ASKED TOUGH
QUESTIONS, CHALLENGED IN YOUR OWN WAY, AND THAT IS THIS
INTERVIEW YOU HAD WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN IN 2018.
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE IN THE ROOM WITH HIM?
>> IT'S FUNNY. WHEN HE COMES IN THE ROOM AT
FIRST, HE KIND OF DOES THIS, SLOUCHES BACK, LIKE THE BORED
KID IN THE BACK TO HAVE THE ROOM, NOT REALLY PAYING MUCH
ATTENTION TO YOU, DOESN'T GIVE YOU MUCH CONTACT, BUT AT ONE
POINT, SERIOUSLY, IN THE RUSSIAN EMBASSY, IN HELSINKI RIGHT AFTER
THE SUMMIT WITH TRUMP, I SAID TO HIM, WHY IS IT, MR. PRESIDENT,
THAT SO MANY PEOPLE WHO OPPOSE YOU END UP DEAD?
( LAUGHTER ) FROM THAT MOMENT ON -- I SHOULD
ASK THAT TO WILL SMITH, TOO. ( LAUGHTER )
FROM THAT MOMENT ON, I HAD HIS UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, THOSE ICE
BLUE EYES PIERCING INTO YOU, AND I WOULD SAY HIS SENSE OF
GRIEVANCE, HE FEELS THE WEST HAS PUSHED RUSSIA AROUND, I GOT THAT
FROM THE INTERVIEW, HIS TOUGH QUESTION, WHEN I ASKED WHY SO
MANY PEOPLE END UP DEAD, HE SAID WELL WE ALL HAVE OUR DOMESTIC
PROBLEMS. >> Stephen: WOW.
BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS A RATIONAL ACTOR AND THAT'S NOT
WHAT I'VE SEEN THIS LAST MONTH. >> Stephen: HOW HAS THE
RUSSIAN INVASION OF UKRAINE CHANGED YOUR VIEW?
>> IF HE WINS HE LOSES AND IF HE LOSES HE LOSES.
HE'S A PARIAH. HOW DOES HE GO BACK TO MEETING
WITH WORLD LEADERS? HOW DOES RUSSIA, AS LONG AS HE'S
IN POWER, GO BACK TO HAVING AN ECONOMY?
SO WHAT'S HIS END GAME? >> Stephen: WOULD THAT BE YOUR
QUESTION IF YOU HAD THE SAME WILL SMITH SITUATION?
WELL, IF YOU HAD ONE QUESTION TO ASK --
>> YEAH, I THINK IT WOULD BE -- HOW DOES THIS END?
>> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GUESS POORLY.
>> FOR ME OR FOR RUSSIA? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU ASK HIM IN PERSON.
>> YEAH, WELL -- ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: CHRIS, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
HOPE IT'S THE FIRST OF MANY TRIPS OVER FROM CNN+.
>> I'D LOVE THAT. >> Stephen: THAT'S A BOOKING.
CAN I SAY ONE THING? THERE'S ONE PERSON I WOULD LOVE
TO HAVE ON THE SHOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL WE HAVE
TIME FOR. ( LAUGHTER )
>> SCOUTS HONOR -- SO WE HAVE BEEN ASKING HIS AGENT, WE HAVE
BEEN ASKING HIS EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, AND WHAT WE KEEP BEING
TOLD IS HIS PRODUCTION SCHEDULE DOESN'T PERMIT IT.
DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS? >> Stephen: JON BATISTE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL GET JON FOR YOU.
>> SO YOU SAID THIS IS A BOOKING.
>> Stephen: YEAH. WILL YOU SIT DOWN AND TALK TO
CHRIS WALLACE? >> Stephen: WILL I TALK TO
CHCHRIS WALLACE? WHAT'S THE ONE QUESTION CHRIS
WALLACE WANTS TO ASK ME -- >> WHEN YOU WOKE UP AT 3:00 THIS
MORNING -- >> Stephen: IT'S A DEAL!
ALL RIGHT! >> Stephen: WHO'S TALKING TO
CHRIS WALLACE? ME, EVIDENTLY,
PREMIERES TOMORROW NIGHT ON CNN+.
CHRIS WALLACE, EVERYBODY. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF
"NCIS," WILMER VALDERRAMA. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW-GRAM,
THE BROADCAST. MY NEXT GUEST IS AN ACTOR YOU
KNOW FROM, "THAT '70S SHOW," "NCIS," AND "ENCANTO."
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW, WILMER VALDERRAMA
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> I AM█ SO PROUD TO BE HERE AND IN NEW YORK CITY.
GUYS, IT IS SO GOOD TO BE BACK HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK, YOU KNOW,
SINCE THE WHOLE THING. >> Stephen: I KNOW IT WASN'T
EASY FOR YOU TO BE HERE. YOU WERE AT THE OSCARS LAST
NIGHT. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE "ENCANTO" WAS NOMINATED.
ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPEN -- ( LAUGHTER )
-- LAST NIGHT, WILMER? >> YOU KNOW, I GUESS THIS IS
INTERESTING -- SO I WATCHED THE -- YOU KNOW, I WAS TAKING
THE RED EYE LAST NIGHT TO COME OVER HERE, YOU KNOW, SO, I WAIT
AND WATCH THE -- WE TALK ABOUT THE BRUNO PERFORMANCE, WHICH IS
AWESOME ( APPLAUSE )
BY THE WAY, EVERYBODY TALKED ABOUT BRUNO IN THAT SONG.
IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD FOR EVERYBODY INVOLVED.
>> Stephen: GOTCHA. I WAS, LIKE, OKAY, GOT TO GET
TO THE AIRPORT. AS SOON AS I WAS IN THE CAR.
DID YOU SEE? DID YOU WATCH?
WERE YOU THERE? AND I SAID, WHAT HAPPENED?
ULTIMATELY, I MISDZ MISSED THE ENTIRE THING.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, JUST BECAUSE I WAS COMING
TO SEE YOU. SO --
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M GRATEFUL.
I'M GRATEFUL. I'M GRATEFUL.
( APPLAUSE ) AT LEAST YOU CAN SAY I WAS IN NO
WAY INVOLVED IN THAT SITUATION. I'M OUT CLEAN.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> Stephen: YOUR FILM
"ENCANTO," IT WON THE OSCARS. CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A YOUNG DAUGHTER, RIGHT?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: HOW OLD IS SHE?
ABOUT 14 MONTHS. >> Stephen: OKAY.
IS SHE OLD ENOUGH TO PLAY THE "ENCANTO" SOUND TRACK FOR HER?
>> SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE OLD ENOUGH.
I MEAN, WE PLAYED IT FOR HER REGARDLESS, RIGHT.
SO EVERY SINGLE MORNING SINCE THE MOVIE RELEASE AD, WE PLAYED
THE SOUND TRACK FOR HER, AND NOW SHE CAN STAND UP, YOU KNOW.
SHE HOLDS HERSELF UP, SHE CLAPS HER HANDS.
IT'S VERY FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE, YOU
KNOW, SHE'S STARTING TO KIND OF IDENTIFY DANCING, SO SHE'S
BOUNCING A LITTLE BIT, AND LAST WEEK SHE STARTED MAKING REALLY
SUSPECT MOVES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY SUSPECT MOVES?
>> YOU KNOW, SHE DO ONE OF THESE, AND THEN SHE'D DO ONE OF
THESE. ( LAUGHTER )
AND I WAS, LIKE -- THT IS -- >> Stephen: MAYBE HOLD IT
RIGHT THERE? >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: MAYBE HOLD IT RIGHT THERE?
>> YEAH, MAYBE NO MORE "ENCANTO" SOUND TRACK, YOU KNOW.
IT LOOKED TOO CLOSE TO A TWERK. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU'RE STARTING IN AN UPCOMING SERIES AZORO FOR
DISNEY. BEFORE I GET TO THE PHOTO, HOW
FAMILIAR WERE YOU WITH ZORO GROWING UP?
>> VERY FAMILIAR. IT'S THE DREAM OF MY LIFETIME TO
BE ZORO. SINCE I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD I
WANTED TO BE ZORO, YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: SO THIS IS -- HERE
WE ARE. IS THIS --
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: IS THIS YOU RIGHT
HERE? >> THAT'S NOT ME RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: I GO BACK. THIS IS YOU?
>> HERE'S THE BACK STORY ON THIS REALLY TELLING PICTURE.
SO WHEN I -- YOU KNOW, I LIVED IN VENEZUELA.
IN CARNIVAL YOU GO TO SCHOOL AND DRESS UP.
I USED TO DRESS LIKE ZORO EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
AND MY FRIEND CALLED ME THE NIGHT BEFORE AND SAID I'M GOING
TO BE SORRY TO TOMORROW. AND I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
SO I WANTED TO SEND HIM A MESSAGE AND I WORE THE COSTUME
AND FOLLOWED HIM EVERYWHERE IN THE SCHOOL.
>> Stephen: WATCH OUT. ( APPLAUSE )
WHO'S THIS? >> THAT'S MY LITTLE SISTER
MARILYN. >> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
WE'RE BOTH PART OF THE "NCIS" FAMILY HERE.
>> YES. >> Stephen: YOU JOINED "NCIS"
IN '14, NOW IT'S IN SEASON 19. THAT'S A LOT OF NAVAL CRIME.
HOW MUCH CRIME IS THERE ON AND AROUND BOATS?
>> YEAH. >> Stephen: AFTER HAVING DONE
THAT FOR FIVE SEASONS, WE'RE IN THE FIFTH EPEES SEASON, DO YOU
THINK YOU COULD SOLVE A CRIME? >> THAT'S AFTER LOADED QUESTION.
AS ACTORS WE DO SOMETHING LONG ENOUGH WE THINK WE CAN DO IT.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY ON GRGRAY'S ANATOMY THINK THEY CANO
SURGERY. >> GOD FORBID THEY'RE IN A
RESTAURANT OR SOMETHING, I'M NOT A DOCTOR BUT I PLAY ONE ON TV.
I THINK I COULD BE GOOD AT SOLVING CRIMES BUT,
UNFORTUNATELY, I THINK CRIME HAS TO BE RIDICULOUSLY WEIRD AND
TWISTED BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY CASES WE HAVE ON THE SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE ARE NO
SIMPLE CRIMES. >> IT HAS TO BE A WEIRD CLOWN
THAT STEALS SWEATY CLOTHES AND IT'S SOMETHING REALLY IMBRUESUM
AND I BET I WOULD BE REALLY GOOD AT THAT.
>> Stephen: THE NEW "NCIS" IS "NCIS" HAWAII.
>> RIGHT. >> Stephen: AND THERE'S A
CROSSOVER EPISODE. I THINK IT'S TONIGHT.
I COULDN'T WATCH IT BECAUSE I'M INTERVIEWING YOU.
>> YES. >> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP
HERE. DO YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN HAWAII. >> WE'RE WALKING THROUGH THE
SACRED GROUNDS AND WE ROLL UP ON SOMEONE AND WE DO COP STUFF.
>> Stephen: YOU DO COP STUFF. YEAH.
>> Stephen: DON'T GET TOO TECHNICAL.
>> YEAH, NO, I GET IT. I DON'T WANT TO GIVE ANYTHING
AWAY BUT IT'S A FAKE BAD GUY. ( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )
>> TAKE IT AWAY. SPECIAL AGENT TORRES.
WE MEET AT LAST. >> I'M SORRY.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU ARE. >> REALLY?
BUT I DO NEED YOU TO LOWER THAT WEAPON.
>> PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: COP STUFF. COP STUFF.
( APPLAUSE ) VERY POLITE.
>> Stephen: WILMER, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
"NCIS" AIRS MONDAYS AT 9:00 P.M. ON CBS.
WILMER VALDERRAMA, EVERYBODY WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUEST
WILL BE HANNAH GADSBY, AND I GIVE SANDRA BULLOCK THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT. JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOODNIGHT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )