1 00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,504 >> WE NOW KNOW, THANKS TO REPORTING OUT OF "MOTHER JONES," 2 00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:08,208 THAT TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW FALLS SO IN LINE WITH THE FAKE 3 00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:11,077 NARRATIVE THE KREMLIN IS TRYING TO PUSH THAT THE KREMLIN 4 00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:14,814 ACTUALLY SENT OUT A MEMO TO RUSSIAN MEDIA OUTLETS 5 00:00:14,881 --> 00:00:17,817 INSTRUCTING THEM TO LITERALLY PLAY MORE OF IT. 6 00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:21,287 "IT IS ESSENTIAL TO USE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FRAGMENTS OF 7 00:00:21,354 --> 00:00:25,492 BROADCASTS OF THE POPULAR FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON." 8 00:00:25,558 --> 00:00:30,630 ♪ ♪ ♪ >> TONIGHT, ON ONLY CHANNEL THAT 9 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:39,339 IS ALLOWED, IT IS 100% MOST TRUE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND OF LADY M&M. 10 00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:41,474 >> AN ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL CLASS DUTIFULLY CHANGED THEIR TWITTER 11 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:44,878 AVATARS FROM "MASK UP!" TO THE NOW-MANDATORY UKRAINIAN FLAG. 12 00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:48,281 >> HOT CARLSON MAKE PUTIN GO "WOW, WOW, WOW." 13 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,618 IT'S YOU MUST SEE TV. TUNE IN TONIGHT, OR BE FORCED TO 14 00:00:51,684 --> 00:00:56,589 FIGHT BEAR. THEN STAY TUNED FOR HAPPY VODKA 15 00:00:56,656 --> 00:01:01,027 SHOUT TIME WITH COMRADE JEANINE. 16 00:01:01,094 --> 00:01:04,130 >> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT." 17 00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:08,034 TONIGHT: 18 00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:12,272 COMMANDER IN SPEECH. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES: 19 00:01:12,338 --> 00:01:15,642 MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO 20 00:01:15,708 --> 00:01:20,346 FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY 21 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,983 HUMAN. 22 00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:28,288 AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK 23 00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:36,262 CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 24 00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:51,211 >> Stephen: WOOO! >> Stephen: FRIENDS, FRIEND, 25 00:01:51,277 --> 00:02:00,286 >> Stephen: WOOO! >> Stephen: FRIENDS, FRIEND, 26 00:02:00,353 --> 00:02:01,788 HELLO! HELLO UP THERE. 27 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:12,232 DOWN HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 28 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:16,302 HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HAPPY WEDNESDAY. 29 00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:27,614 HAPPIED WITH. HAPPY WEDNESDAY. 30 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:31,384 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW." 31 00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:35,054 I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 32 00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:40,193 TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS? TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS SINCE 33 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:48,268 PUTIN INVADED UKRAINE, AND THE RUSSIAN MILITARY STUKK REMAINS 34 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:53,640 BOGGED DOWN, SO THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR TACTICS TO JUST 35 00:02:53,706 --> 00:02:54,841 UNADULTERATED TERRORISM. THE KREMLIN DENIES THAT THEY'RE 36 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,676 TERRORIZING THE CIVILIAN POPULATION, BUT KYIV MAYOR AND 37 00:02:56,743 --> 00:02:57,911 FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, VITALY KLITSCHKO, POLITELY 38 00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:00,780 DISAGREES. >> PUTIN SAYS HE'S ONLY 39 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:04,050 TARGETING MILITARY TARGETS. >> (BLEEP)! 40 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:08,288 SORRY... >> Stephen: NO NEED TO 41 00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:12,258 APOLOGIZE, CHAMP. AND WITH UKRAINIAN CITIES, 42 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,393 ESPECIALLY KYIV, UNDER CONSTANT ATTACK, UKRAINIAN 43 00:03:13,459 --> 00:03:14,527 PRESIDENT VOLODMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE A VIRTUAL ADDRESS TO 44 00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:15,929 CONGRESS THIS MORNING. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S 45 00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:17,864 WORTH WATCHING. THE ULTIMATE THRUST OF 46 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:24,404 ZELENSKYY'S APPEAL WAS TO THANK BIDEN FOR WHAT HE'S DONE SO FAR, 47 00:03:24,470 --> 00:03:26,439 BUT ALSO TO CALL ON BIDEN TO DO MUCH MORE. 48 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:28,041 AND FOR THAT CALL, HE SWITCHED TO ENGLISH. 49 00:03:28,107 --> 00:03:36,282 >> AS THE LEADER OF MY NATION, I AM ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT 50 00:03:36,349 --> 00:03:39,619 BIDEN. YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THE 51 00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:44,290 NATION, OF YOUR GREAT NATION. I WISH YOU TO BE THE LEADER 52 00:03:44,357 --> 00:03:50,129 OF THE WORLD. BEING THE LEADER OF THE WORLD 53 00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:51,864 MEANS TO BE THE LEADER OF PEACE. THANK YOU. 54 00:03:51,931 --> 00:04:01,574 SLAVA UKRAINE. ( APPLAUSE ) 55 00:04:01,641 --> 00:04:04,143 POWERFUL WHEN THAT MANY OLD PEOPLE JUMP TO THEIR FEET. 56 00:04:04,210 --> 00:04:08,247 THERE ARE KNEES IN THAT ROOM THAT WERE ALIVE DURING THE 57 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:11,250 ROOSEVELT ADMINISTRATION. IN RESPONSE TODAY, BIDEN 58 00:04:11,317 --> 00:04:14,654 ANNOUNCED $800 MILLION IN NEW MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE. 59 00:04:14,721 --> 00:04:18,291 THAT IS REMARKABLE, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF HOW FAST HE MOVED, 60 00:04:18,358 --> 00:04:20,293 BUT AT NO POINT DID HE USE THE PHRASE, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO 61 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:31,571 US A FAVOR, THOUGH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 62 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:37,844 WHAT WE'VE ALREADY BEEN GIVING THE UKRAINIANS, INCLUDING 63 00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:39,679 JAVELIN ANTI-TANK AND STINGER ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILES. 64 00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:42,915 AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL BUST OUT THE MOST POTENT WEAPON 65 00:04:42,982 --> 00:04:47,854 IN THE AMERICAN ARSENAL: THE T-SHIRT CANNON! 66 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:56,295 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: OH, YEAH. 67 00:04:56,362 --> 00:05:00,266 YOU WATCH YOURSELF, VLAD, OR WE WILL PELT YOU WITH METS 68 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:05,605 CREWNECKS THAT ARE ALL X-L. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 69 00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:15,615 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LATER. 70 00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:19,185 LET'S EARN IT. LET'S EARN IT. 71 00:05:19,252 --> 00:05:21,621 WATCH-- WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT. 72 00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,790 RUSSIA HAS BEEN DESPERATE FOR SUPPLIES AND WEAPONS, AND THEY 73 00:05:23,856 --> 00:05:27,627 WERE JUST DEALT ANOTHER BLOW TODAY WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT 74 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:32,265 QUEEN ELIZABETH WILL NO LONGER LEND MOSCOW THREE ANCIENT 75 00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:35,535 SWORDS. THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST 76 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:40,373 BRITISH SANCTION OF ALL TIME. ( AS QUEEN ) 77 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,277 BE RECEIVING ANY BEJEWELED RAPIERS, NOR SHALL ANY OF HIS 78 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:48,147 CREAM BE CLOTTED! AND YOUNG RUSSIANS IN NEED OF 79 00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:51,617 LOVE AND DISCIPLINE WILL THAVE TO DO WITHOUT FLYING NANNIES AND 80 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:57,623 CHIMNEY SWEEPS. CHIM-CHIMMA-(BLEEP)-YOOOUUUU." 81 00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:09,435 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOTS OF COMPANIES HAVE PULLED 82 00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:14,240 OUT OF RUSSIA, BUT ONE AMERICAN FRANCHISE IS STAYING: 83 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,275 190 PAPA JOHN'S RESTAURANTS IN RUSSIA ARE STILL OPEN AND 84 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:19,178 SELLING PIZZAS. THAT'S CRAZY. 85 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,614 THEY CALL PAPA JOHN'S A RESTAURANT? 86 00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:28,488 ( LAUGHTER ) CORPORATE OPERATIONS, BUT THE 87 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:32,725 VAST MAJORITY OF THE FRANCHISES IN THE COUNTRY WILL KEEP 88 00:06:32,792 --> 00:06:35,394 CRANKING OUT THE SALTY BATHMATS THEY CALL PIZZA, BECAUSE THEY 89 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:36,696 ARE PRIMARILY OWNED BY RUSSIANS. THAT'S RIGHT. 90 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,098 THEY'RE SO RUSSIAN, THEY'VE EVEN UPDATED THE SLOGAN TO 91 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:42,702 "BETTER INGREDIENTS, BETTER PIZZA. 92 00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,204 JUST KIDDING. IS POTATO." 93 00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:51,878 ( LAUGHTER ) ( BLEEP ). 94 00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:53,613 THERE YOU ANY. THERE YOU GO. 95 00:06:53,679 --> 00:06:57,617 THERE WE GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 96 00:06:57,683 --> 00:07:02,255 ( BLEEP ). WOW! 97 00:07:02,321 --> 00:07:04,357 WOW! I THINK THAT LANDED OVER IN THE 98 00:07:04,423 --> 00:07:08,294 WINTER GARDEN. ( LAUGHTER ) 99 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:15,101 COMPANY WHICH OVERSEES THESE RUSSIAN FRANCHISES, EXPLAINED 100 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,369 WHY THEY'VE DECIDED TO KEEP OPERATING, SAYING, "THE VAST 101 00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:18,638 MAJORITY OF RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE VERY CLEAR HEADED AND UNDERSTAND 102 00:07:18,704 --> 00:07:20,873 THE DARK GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION THEY'RE IN. 103 00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:23,676 AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY APPRECIATE A GOOD PIZZA." 104 00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:26,813 ADDING, "UNFORTUNATELY, WE SERVE PAPA JOHN'S." 105 00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:29,949 ( LAUGHTER ) THE MOST PAINFUL LOSS OF ALL, 106 00:07:30,016 --> 00:07:33,619 BECAUSE MY BELOVED PARENT COMPANY, PARAMOUNT, HAS 107 00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:36,289 ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SUSPEND OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA. 108 00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:39,625 THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA! ( APPLAUSE ). 109 00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:49,035 UH-HUH! COME ON, GET IT. 110 00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:52,138 >> Stephen: YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, AND THE GOOD PEOPLE AT 111 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,806 PARAMOUNT WILL SNAP INTO ACTION... 112 00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:56,509 A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER WE MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DONE IT! 113 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:59,412 WE JUST-- WE JUST DON'T HAVE A VERY GOOD SIGNAL UP ON THE 114 00:07:59,478 --> 00:08:02,415 MOUNTAIN. WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING 115 00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:03,249 ON. AND I GOTTA SAY, I THINK THIS 116 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:04,450 MIGHT BE THE THING THAT ENDS THE WAR. 117 00:08:04,517 --> 00:08:05,785 PUTIN'S BOUND TO SURRENDER THE MINUTE HE HEARS HE'S LOSING 118 00:08:05,852 --> 00:08:09,422 ACCESS TO A MOUNTAIN OF ENTERTAINMENT. 119 00:08:09,488 --> 00:08:15,228 SAY DASVIDANIYA TO ALL 6 SEASONS OF "I-CARLY," "CROCODILE DUNDEE 120 00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:19,799 IN LOS ANGELES," AND THE JEWEL OF THE PARAMOUNT EMPIRE, 121 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:23,903 "THE LOVE GURU," FEATURING YOURS TRULY AS A HOCKEY ANNOUNCER! 122 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:28,474 A SUBJECT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! ( APPLAUSE ) 123 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:33,412 OF AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 124 00:08:33,479 --> 00:08:35,314 IF THIS WAR DOESN'T STOP IMMEDIATELY, I AM GOING TO 125 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:36,482 EXTEND THE SANCTIONS ON "THE LOVE GURU" TO INCLUDE EVERY 126 00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:39,352 NATION ON EARTH. THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE GETS TO SEE 127 00:08:39,418 --> 00:08:41,854 THIS MOVIE THAT I AM VERY PROUD OF UNTIL THE WAR ENDS. 128 00:08:41,921 --> 00:08:43,756 AND NOT JUST THIS WAR, ALL WARS. NO, I MUST! 129 00:08:43,823 --> 00:08:47,193 FOR PEACE! I'M GONNA THROW "BEWITCHED" IN 130 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:51,497 THERE, TOO. I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THAT ONE, 131 00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:55,134 BUT IT'S TIME THEY PULLED IT FROM THE RUSSIAN MARKET, AND 132 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:56,802 FROM MY IMDb PAGE. ALL THIS ECONOMIC PAIN HAS 133 00:08:56,869 --> 00:09:03,609 PROMPTED RUSSIA TO SAY, "RIGHT BACK AT YA' COMRADE!" 134 00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:05,845 BECAUSE YESTERDAY, RUSSIA ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE HITTING 135 00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,747 BIDEN, BLINKEN, AND OTHER TOP U.S. OFFICIALS WITH SANCTIONS. 136 00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:09,615 OH, THAT'S ADORABLE. THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN 137 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:13,152 SANCTIONS! IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR KID 138 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:17,790 A BUBBLE LAWN MOWER AND THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M A WORLD POWER, TOO!" 139 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,859 AND YOU SURE ARE, BUDDY. DOIN' A GREAT JOB. 140 00:09:19,926 --> 00:09:22,561 THE SANCTIONS WORK THE SAME WAY OURS DO. 141 00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:25,998 SO, FOR ANYONE ON THE LIST, ANY ASSETS THEY HOLD IN RUSSIA WILL 142 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:29,468 BE FROZEN, AND THEY ARE PROHIBITED FROM ENTERING THE 143 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:38,511 COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD BE A THREAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO GO TO 144 00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:39,745 RIGHT NOW. NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TRAVELING TO 145 00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,781 SPRING BREAK IN YAKUTSK. NUMBER ONE ON THE SANCTION LIST 146 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,283 IS PRESIDENT BIDEN. SORT OF. 147 00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:47,219 BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS SANCTIONED JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN, WHICH 148 00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:50,556 SOUNDS LIKE THE PRESIDENT, BUT AS JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED: 149 00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:54,527 >> I WOULD FIRST NOTE THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN IS A JUNIOR, SO 150 00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,630 THEY MAY HAVE SANCTIONED HIS DAD, MAY HE REST IN PEACE. 151 00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:02,935 ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOTCHA THERE, JACK! 152 00:10:03,002 --> 00:10:13,512 NO, PLEASE. I'M THE LIL' JUNIOR MINT! 153 00:10:13,579 --> 00:10:15,081 NAMED AFTER MY POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN SR. 154 00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:17,216 AND HE WAS NAMED AFTER HIS POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN THE 155 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,284 PREQUEL. FAMILY WAS SO POOR, WE COULD 156 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,753 ONLY AFFORD ONE NAME. ALSO SHARED ONE PAIR OF PANTS 157 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:25,524 AND THREE SHOES WE KEPT ON ROTATION. 158 00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:26,926 TOUGH TO GET AROUND TOWN, BUT WE CLEANED UP IN THE THREE-LEGGED 159 00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:31,964 RACE. NAH, I'M SERIOUS, FOLKS! 160 00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:36,102 WE WON ALL KINDSA TAFFY." ( LAUGHTER ) 161 00:10:36,168 --> 00:10:44,710 ♪ ♪ ♪ RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA IS MAINLY 162 00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:48,280 TARGETING POLITICAL FIGURES, BUT THAT MIGHT CHANGE. 163 00:10:48,347 --> 00:10:50,616 THEIR FOREIGN MINISTRY ANNOUNCED IT INTENDS TO SANCTION MORE U.S. 164 00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,119 OFFICIALS, MILITARY LEADERS, LAWMAKERS, AND MEMBERS OF THE 165 00:10:53,185 --> 00:10:55,888 MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF THE COUNTRY. 166 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,657 MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF RUSSIA? 167 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:03,596 WHY, THAT'S ME! ( LAUGHTER ) 168 00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:07,233 GONNA BE SO MAD IF JOHN OLIVER GETS BANNED FROM RUSSIA AND I 169 00:11:07,299 --> 00:11:08,267 DON'T. HE ONLY CRITICIZES PUTIN ONCE A 170 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,202 WEEK! WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME 171 00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:13,973 SANCTION CATEGORY! HE GETS SANCTIONED EVERY YEAR! 172 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:18,511 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT. 173 00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:22,281 MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO. 174 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,284 BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"! 175 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:21,273 JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY. 176 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:26,979 >> Jon: HI! >> Stephen:-- YOU KNOW, IT'S 177 00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:28,447 ALWAYS-- I'M ALWAYS REALLY HAPPY. 178 00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:29,949 WE HAVE A MUSICAL GUEST ON TONIGHT WHO IS ALSO GOING TO BE 179 00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,750 MY FIRST GUEST. MICHAEL BUBLE IS GOING TO BE OUT 180 00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:36,722 HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. AND ROSE MATAFEO FROM 181 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:40,359 "STARSTRUCK" ON HBO IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE TONIGHT, TOO. 182 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:45,131 BUT FIRST, MR. BUBLE, IS GOING TO BE HERE, AND I LOVE IT WHEN 183 00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:50,002 THE GUEST IS HERE AND THEY SING WITH YOU ALL AND THE BAND. 184 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:55,374 DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONGS YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING?" 185 00:12:55,441 --> 00:13:00,613 >> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING REQUESTED CRAZY" FOR THE 186 00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:06,919 WEB. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, 187 00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:10,189 I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SIFTING THROUGH THE 188 00:13:10,256 --> 00:13:13,092 DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, HAND SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST 189 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:14,994 PERFECTLY AGED BURMESE NEWS TEAK. 190 00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:19,465 THEN CAREFULLY CARVING AND SHAPING IT INTO A REFINED 191 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,100 BUDDHA, DEPICTED IN THE "CALLING THE EARTH TO WITNESS" GESTURE, 192 00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:24,170 WITH CHARACTERISTIC CIRCULAR PATTERNS ON THE ROBE, SHINS, AND 193 00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:28,007 KNEES, OF COURSE, WHICH I THEN CAREFULLY GILD WITH THE 194 00:13:28,073 --> 00:13:29,642 MOST TOPICAL GOLD LEAF. I THEN HARVEST THE SAP OF THE 195 00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:34,580 USITATA TREE TO APPLY A DELICATE THAI-O LACQUER, AND FINALLY HAND 196 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:39,084 DECORATE IT WITH WHITE GLASS INLAYS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE 197 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:42,454 GLORIOUS AMARA-PURA PERIOD SCULPTURE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. 198 00:13:42,521 --> 00:13:43,989 BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I WASH UP ON A GALVESTON 199 00:13:44,056 --> 00:13:46,825 BEACH, NAKED ON A RAFT OF GAS CANS AFTER ESCAPING A FIGHT CLUB 200 00:13:46,892 --> 00:13:49,995 IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS. THEN, STILL DERANGED ON A 201 00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:52,998 COCKTAIL OF MESCALINE AND COUGH SYRUP, I STEAL A CINDER BLOCK 202 00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:56,569 FROM UNDER A STRIPPED '87 FORD TAURUS, AND CHIP AWAY AT IT 203 00:13:56,635 --> 00:13:58,971 WITH A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE I SCAVENGED FROM A GOODWILL 204 00:13:59,038 --> 00:14:02,908 DUMPSTER UNTIL IT VAGUELY RESEMBLES THE HUNGERING WOLF 205 00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:07,546 THAT SCRATCHES AT THE DOOR OF MY DREAMS AND PRESENT TO YOU 206 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,915 THE TORMENTED DREAD-EFFIGY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: 207 00:14:09,982 --> 00:14:15,955 >> MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 208 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:20,326 RIGHT THERE. THAT IS LIKE A SORBET FOR THE 209 00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:24,597 MIND. MEANWHILE, IN MASSACHUSSETTS, 210 00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:29,635 JETBLUE PASSENGERS WERE LEFT WAITING ON THEIR PLANE AFTER THE 211 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,605 JETBLUE AIRPORT CREW HAD LEFT FOR THE NIGHT. 212 00:14:32,671 --> 00:14:35,107 THEY SAT ON THE TARMAC A WHILE, AND THEN THE PILOT SAID, "I HAVE 213 00:14:35,174 --> 00:14:37,810 SOMETHING EMBARRASSING TO TELL YOU GUYS." 214 00:14:37,876 --> 00:14:39,812 ADDING, "I USED TO FLY FOR SPIRIT." 215 00:14:39,878 --> 00:14:48,587 ( LAUGHTER ) EVEN MORE OF AN 'EI-FULL,' 216 00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,222 BECAUSE IT "GREW BY NEARLY 20 FEET ON TUESDAY AFTER 217 00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:55,794 ENGINEERS HOISTED A NEW COMMUNICATIONS ANTENNA AT THE 218 00:14:55,861 --> 00:14:58,797 VERY TOP BY USING A HELICOPTER TO LOWER THE ANTENNA INTO PLACE. 219 00:14:58,864 --> 00:15:04,169 PARISIANS WONDERED AT THE ADDITION. 220 00:15:04,236 --> 00:15:08,040 THOUSANDS GATHERED BELLOW TO LOOK ON AND EXCLAIM: 221 00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:12,611 "EH." ( LAUGHTER ) 222 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:22,454 RARE... >> "MEANWHILE UPDATE!" 223 00:15:22,521 --> 00:15:24,556 >> Stephen: LAST YEAR, WE BROUGHT YOU THE STORY OF A NEW 224 00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:27,493 ZEALAND COUPLE WHO WERE BELIEVED TO HAVE FOUND THE WORLD'S 225 00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:30,929 LARGEST POTATO. JIM, DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF 226 00:15:30,996 --> 00:15:32,831 THAT POTAT-- OH,MY GOD JIMMY, CAN YOU MAKE IT LESS 227 00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:34,466 SCARY? THANK YOU. 228 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:40,072 ( LAUGHTER ) GOOD FOR THE POTATO, BECAUSE 229 00:15:40,139 --> 00:15:42,274 THIS WEEK, "GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS" RULED THAT THE GIANT 230 00:15:42,341 --> 00:15:48,347 POTATO IS NOT, IN FACT, A POTATO BUT SOMETHING CALLED A 231 00:15:48,414 --> 00:15:50,015 GOURD TUBER. REALLY? 232 00:15:50,082 --> 00:15:56,055 BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ABOMINATION, I WANT TO SCREAM, 233 00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:59,091 "THERE IS NO GOURD." MEANWHILE, "THE ROLLING STONES 234 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,559 JUST ANNOUNCED A 60th ANNIVERSARY EUROPEAN TOUR, WHICH 235 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:05,097 THEY ARE CALLING "SIXTY." ALSO IN HONOR OF THEIR 236 00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,666 INCREDIBLY LONG CAREER, THEY ARE RENAMING THEMSELVES "THE KIDNEY 237 00:16:07,733 --> 00:16:08,600 STONES." ( LAUGHTER ) 238 00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:16,442 TAKE A DRINK OF WATER. IT'S A QUALITY JOKE. 239 00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:19,645 IT'S A QUALITY JOKE. MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN KENNEL 240 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:25,918 CLUB JUST PUBLISHED THEIR LIST OF THE MOST POPULAR DOG BREEDS, 241 00:16:25,984 --> 00:16:28,754 AND FOR THE 31st YEAR IN A ROW LABS ARE NUMBER ONE. 242 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,291 ( APPLAUSE ) REACHED FOR COMMENT, A LAB SAID, 243 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:38,697 "BACON?" BACON? 244 00:16:38,764 --> 00:16:42,634 MEANWHILE-- SQUIRREL? CRUISE LINE VIRGIN VOYAGES HAS 245 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:46,638 LAUNCHED A NEW ADULTS-ONLY SHIP, WITH SLIGHTLY LESS USUAL 246 00:16:46,705 --> 00:16:50,209 OFFERINGS, LIKE A TATTOO PARLOR. BECAUSE THERE'S NO HIGHER 247 00:16:50,275 --> 00:16:54,513 QUALITY TATTOO THAN ONE ADMINISTERED ON OPEN WATER: 248 00:16:54,580 --> 00:16:57,649 "YES, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SKULL, BUT WE WERE IN SOME 249 00:16:57,716 --> 00:17:00,619 PRETTY BIG SWELLS, SO I GOT, I'M GONNA SAY, A GOURD TUBER WITH 250 00:17:00,686 --> 00:17:05,157 DENTURES." ( LAUGHTER ) 251 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:11,230 GOURD! MAKE IT TALK. 252 00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:14,032 MEANWHILE, DOLLY PARTON HAS DECLINED HER ROCK & ROLL HALL OF 253 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:17,136 FAME NOMINATION. THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, DOLLY. 254 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:21,240 YOU CAN JUST SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CLEVELAND." 255 00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:23,776 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL BUBLE. 256 00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:55,340 ( APPLAUSE ) HEY WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY! 257 00:17:55,407 --> 00:17:59,144 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS A REAL TREAT. 258 00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,947 >> Jon: THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. 259 00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:05,050 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A SINGER AND 260 00:18:05,117 --> 00:18:08,020 SONGWRITER WHO HAS SOLD OVER 65 MILLION RECORDS AND WON FOUR 261 00:18:08,086 --> 00:18:12,991 GRAMMYS. HIS NEW ALBUM IS CALLED 262 00:18:13,058 --> 00:18:17,062 "HIGHER." PLEASE WELCOME, MICHAEL BUBLE! 263 00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:19,364 ♪ ♪ ♪ 264 00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:34,313 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU 265 00:18:34,379 --> 00:18:38,183 ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU 266 00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,151 ON. >> LOVELY TO BE HAD. 267 00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:41,420 >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU. 268 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:44,022 >> NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN 269 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:48,727 LIGHTING UP THE CHARTS THRILLING PEOPLE FOR 20 YEARS. 270 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:51,530 AND-- SONGS, MANY OF WHICH ARE THE AMERICAN STANDARDS. 271 00:18:51,597 --> 00:18:53,599 YOU LOVE THE AMERICAN STANDARD SONGBOOK. 272 00:18:53,665 --> 00:18:54,833 >> I DO, I DO. >> Stephen: OKAY. 273 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:58,837 SO HOW DID YOU FIRST-- LIKE, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU BECAME 274 00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:01,940 AWARE OF THESE CLASSIC SONGS? >> WEIRDLY, I WAS PROBABLY FIVE 275 00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:09,181 YEARS OLD, FOUR, FIVE YEARS OLD. AND I THINK LIKE, THERE WAS 276 00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:10,516 INFILTRATION WITH CHRISTMAS, WEIRDLY. 277 00:19:10,582 --> 00:19:14,653 >> Stephen: WE'RE BING CROSBY, NAT KING COLE. 278 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,289 >> THERE WAS ALWAYS BING CROSBY PLAYING IN THE HOUSE, AND I 279 00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:21,260 THINK IT WAS AN INTRODUCTION TO JAZZ, INCREDIBLE MUSICIANSHIP, 280 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:26,265 GREAT SONGS, GREAT MELODY, GREAT LYRICS. 281 00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:27,666 VERY, VERY CATHOLIC UPBRINGING. >> Stephen: ME, TOO. 282 00:19:27,733 --> 00:19:32,371 >> IT WAS IN OUR HOUSEHOLD. IT MEANT A LOT TO ME. 283 00:19:32,437 --> 00:19:34,640 >> Stephen: SAINT CROSBY. >> SAINT BING. 284 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:36,441 IT WAS INTERESTING. IT'S WEIRD, IT'S EMBARRASSING A 285 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:39,578 LITTLE BIT FOR ME TO SAY THAT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 286 00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:42,047 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> IT'S WEIRD. 287 00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:47,619 MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY, "SO, STING, WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR 288 00:19:47,686 --> 00:19:51,657 MUSIC?" HE DOESN'T SAY, "CHRISTMAS." 289 00:19:51,723 --> 00:19:55,027 >> Stephen: DAVID BOWIE DID A DUET WITH BING? 290 00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:57,396 >> THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOUR 291 00:19:57,462 --> 00:20:01,300 GRANDFATHER HELPED YOU GET INTO MUSIC CLUBS, GET YOU GIGS, BUT 292 00:20:01,366 --> 00:20:04,770 ALSO SMUGGLE YOU INTO MUSIC CLUBS AT A YOUNG AGE. 293 00:20:04,836 --> 00:20:10,609 >> I COME FROM A FAMILY-- WE COME FROM A FAMILY OF COMMERCIAL 294 00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:13,211 FISHERMEN AND PLUMBERS, NOT THE EASIEST WAY TO HAVE NEPOTISM 295 00:20:13,278 --> 00:20:15,447 WHEN IT COMES TO THE BUSINESS. >> Stephen: BOTH WORK WITH 296 00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:18,150 WATER. >> SO MY GRANDFATHER WOULD SNEAK 297 00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:19,551 ME. I WAS 16, AND HE KNEW THIS IS 298 00:20:19,618 --> 00:20:22,087 WHAT MY LOVE WAS. I MEAN, I-- I LOVED IT. 299 00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:24,990 I KNEW FROM AN EARLY AGE THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO BE. 300 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,659 SO HE WOULD GO TO THE NIGHT CLUBS, AND HE'D, YOU KNOW, WORK 301 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:32,431 IN THE CLUBS IN THE DAYTIME FIXING HOT WATER HEATERS OR 302 00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:34,866 TOILETS, WHATEVER. AND HE WOULD GO AND BRIBE-- HE'D 303 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:36,969 BRIBE ME IN, BASICALLY. >> Stephen: HOW? 304 00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:41,073 >> WELL, HE'D SAID-- HE'D SAY, "LISTEN, THE KID IS A GREAT 305 00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:44,576 SINGER. LET HIM GET UP THERE WITH YOUR 306 00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:45,510 BAND." >> Stephen: NOT JUST GET YOU 307 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:48,480 IN THE CLUB, GET YOU ON STAGE? >> ON STAGE. 308 00:20:48,547 --> 00:20:49,815 >> Stephen: PAY THEM OFF WITH A TOILET? 309 00:20:49,881 --> 00:20:51,984 >> YES. >> Stephen: YOU GOTTA LOVE 310 00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:53,552 GRANDPA. >> YEAH, SO HE JUST LOVED ME SO 311 00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:57,255 MUCH AND HE BELIEVED IN ME SO MUCH, THAT HE WOULD-- HE WOULD 312 00:20:57,322 --> 00:20:59,758 LITERALLY SAY TO THEM, "IF YOU LET THE KID UP ON STAGE WITH 313 00:20:59,825 --> 00:21:09,201 YOUR BAND, I WILL GO AND FIX YOUR-- WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM. 314 00:21:09,267 --> 00:21:11,103 GARBAGE-ATORS IN CANADA. >> Stephen: GARBAGE DISPOSAL. 315 00:21:11,169 --> 00:21:15,540 >> GARBAGE DISPOSAL. AND THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD DO 316 00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,109 LITERALLY, GET ME INTO CLUBS DOING THAT. 317 00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:20,045 ONCE I GOT INTO THE CLUB I WOULD WORK YOU. 318 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:23,815 >> Stephen: HAVE TO PAY IT FORWARD FOR YOUR GRANDCHILDREN. 319 00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:30,489 YOU SAY YOU HAVE TO LET THEM SING AND I WILL INSTALL YOUR 320 00:21:30,555 --> 00:21:33,659 TOILET. THE NEW ALBUM, "HIGHER," YOUR 321 00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:35,827 FIRST ALBUM IN THREE YEARS. ( APPLAUSE ) 322 00:21:35,894 --> 00:21:42,100 ALBUMS YOU HAVE DONE, NOT BEING A MUGZ MIEGZ, BUT LOOKING BACK 323 00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:46,271 AT EACH ALBUM, I IMAGINE YOU SAY AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE, I CAN 324 00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:49,975 SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY LIFE REFLECTED IN THE ALBUM. 325 00:21:50,042 --> 00:21:52,911 WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT HOW YOU ARE AS AN ARTIST IN THIS ONE? 326 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,414 >> GOD, THAT'S A HEAVY QUESTION. >> Stephen: IT'S WHAT I DO. 327 00:21:55,480 --> 00:22:00,152 >> YEAH. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT MY SON AND 328 00:22:00,218 --> 00:22:04,289 MY FAMILY IS OKAY AND HEALTHY. WE'VE ALL GONE THROUGH A TON. 329 00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:08,894 NO ONE GETS THROUGH THIS LIFE WITHOUT DEALING WITH STRUGGLES 330 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:12,798 AND PAIN AND ALL OF THAT. AND FOR ME, I THINK FOR THE 331 00:22:12,864 --> 00:22:16,168 FIRST TIME IN YEARS, I THINK I'M ALIVE. 332 00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:20,272 I THINK I'M BREATHING. AND IF YOU CAN'T HEAR OR FEEL 333 00:22:20,338 --> 00:22:26,144 THE JOY IN THAT RECORD, OF HOW I FEEL IN MY LIFE, THEN YOU NEVER 334 00:22:26,211 --> 00:22:28,613 WILL. THIS IS AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE. 335 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,683 IT REALLY IS. IT'S A LOVE NOTE TO THE WORLD. 336 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:34,086 ( APPLAUSE ) IT A LITTLE BIT LATER WHEN YOU 337 00:22:34,152 --> 00:22:36,488 PLAY WITH THE BAND OAF THERE. >> YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT. 338 00:22:36,555 --> 00:22:38,390 >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 339 00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:42,694 BUT STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK 340 00:22:42,761 --> 00:22:46,031 MICHAEL ABOUT HIS YOUTH AS A COMMERCIAL FISHERMAN. 341 00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:47,032 IT'S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪ 342 00:22:56,942 --> 00:23:00,679 ( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH MR. MICHAEL 343 00:23:00,746 --> 00:23:02,147 BUBLE. NOW, THIS IS SOMETHING I'M 344 00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:06,251 MILDLY JEALOUS OF HERE ONE ONE OF THE ALBUMS HERE, ONE OF THE 345 00:23:06,318 --> 00:23:10,288 SONGS IS "MY VALENTINE" WHICH IS A PAUL McCARTNEY SONG. 346 00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:14,826 AND YOU MANAGED TO GET PAUL McCARTNEY TO PRODUCE THAT 347 00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:16,394 SONG. >> HOW ABOUT THAT. 348 00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:19,798 >> Stephen: FOR YOUR ALBUM. HOW DOES ONE GET PAUL 349 00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:22,200 McCARTNEY TO PRODUCE? JUST CALL HIM UP? 350 00:23:22,267 --> 00:23:26,204 >> HIS MANAGER SENT MY MANAGER A NOTE FROM PAUL SAYING, "WE HEAR 351 00:23:26,271 --> 00:23:30,041 YOU'RE DOING THIS RECORD. WE THINK YOU DO AWE GREAT JOB 352 00:23:30,108 --> 00:23:32,277 COVERING THE SONG. SONG." 353 00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:34,479 IT'S A SONG THAT MEANS A LOT TO HIM. 354 00:23:34,546 --> 00:23:37,816 AND I WROTE BACK AND SAID, "WOULD YOU PRODUCE IT." 355 00:23:37,883 --> 00:23:43,789 I WENT WITH MY FRIEND, WHO IS AN INCREDIBLE REASONINGER, AND I 356 00:23:43,855 --> 00:23:47,058 SENT IT WITH MY PHONE NUMBER, NEVER THINKING I WOULD EVER GET 357 00:23:47,125 --> 00:23:49,060 THE CALL. AND I WAS DRIVING ON SUNSET IN 358 00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:53,698 L.A., AND THE PHONE RANG FROM A 44 NUMBER, AND I SAID, "HELLO?" 359 00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:57,969 AND THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICE SAID, HI, IT'S PAUL MAC." 360 00:23:58,036 --> 00:24:03,275 AND I PANICKED. AND I SAID-- I SWEAR TO GOD, I 361 00:24:03,341 --> 00:24:07,846 SAID, "IT'S MICKEY BOOBS." >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. 362 00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:12,017 >> YEAH ( APPLAUSE ) 363 00:24:12,083 --> 00:24:16,254 AND I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "I NEVER WANT TO PUT YOU ON THE 364 00:24:16,321 --> 00:24:20,425 SPOT, BUT I KNOW THAT YOU COULD TAKE GOOD AND TURN IT INTO 365 00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:21,927 GREAT." AND I THINK HE'S ONE OF THE 366 00:24:21,993 --> 00:24:24,396 GREATEST EYE KNOW I'M ALONE. HOW MANY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW 367 00:24:24,462 --> 00:24:26,431 TALENTED HE IS. >> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU FIND 368 00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:29,801 THE COURAGE? WHERE DO YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO 369 00:24:29,868 --> 00:24:32,404 COMPLIMENT PAUL MACART ME. >> I SAID TO HIM, LISTEN-- HE 370 00:24:32,470 --> 00:24:35,373 TLD ME THE STORY OF THE SONG AND HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO HIM 371 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,242 PERSONALLY. >> Stephen: DID HE WRITE IT 372 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,478 FOR LINDA? >> NO, HE WROTE IT FOR HIS WIFE 373 00:24:40,545 --> 00:24:42,447 NOW. AND THEY WERE ON A HOLIDAY, AND 374 00:24:42,514 --> 00:24:45,283 HE TOLD ME IT WAS A RAINY DAY, AND SHE CAME BEHIND HIM, AND HE 375 00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:48,420 WAS SITTING AT THE PIANO. AND SHE SAID, "SWEETHEART, WHAT 376 00:24:48,486 --> 00:24:51,122 IF IT RAINS? WHO CARES? 377 00:24:51,189 --> 00:24:54,259 WE HAVE EACH OTHER." AND HE SAID HE WROTE THE SONG 378 00:24:54,326 --> 00:24:57,095 VERY QUICKLY, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY. 379 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:59,197 WE MET IN NEW YORK. HE'S INCREDIBLE. 380 00:24:59,264 --> 00:25:03,101 THANK GOD I DIDN'T WATCH THE "LET IT BE" THE DOCUMENTARY. 381 00:25:03,168 --> 00:25:07,839 BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY NERVOUS -- >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN IT 382 00:25:07,906 --> 00:25:09,040 SINCE? >> I WATCHED IT AFTER. 383 00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:11,843 HE IS UNREAL. >> Stephen: A FAMILY OF 384 00:25:11,910 --> 00:25:14,279 COMMERCIAL FISHERMEN. YOU WORKED WITH THEM, RIGHT. 385 00:25:14,346 --> 00:25:15,580 THAT WAS ONE OF THE JOBS YOU DID. 386 00:25:15,647 --> 00:25:18,516 THAT'S A HARD JOB. >> YEAH, 13 TO 21. 387 00:25:18,583 --> 00:25:21,953 I'D GO BACK AND FORTH IN THE SUMMERS AND WORK ON THE SAME 388 00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:23,622 BOAT. >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF BOAT. 389 00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:30,228 >> IT WAS AN 80 FOOT PERSANNER. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU 390 00:25:30,295 --> 00:25:31,830 KAWCHING? >> SALMON, UP AND DOWNTOWN COAST 391 00:25:31,897 --> 00:25:34,432 FROM, SAY, VANCOUVER ISLAND TO ALASKA. 392 00:25:34,499 --> 00:25:36,801 >> Stephen: THE REASON I'M INTERESTED IN THIS IS BECAUSE, 393 00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:41,239 YOU NOW, OVER PAST YEAR OR SO, SEA SHANTIES HAVE MADE A COME 394 00:25:41,306 --> 00:25:42,874 BACK. AND YOU KNOW-- HAVE YOU HEARD 395 00:25:42,941 --> 00:25:46,444 PEOPLE SINGING SEA SHANTIES ON TIKTOK AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 396 00:25:46,511 --> 00:25:52,250 I LOVE A GOOD SEA SHANTY. I WAS WAY AHEAD ON THIS ONE. 397 00:25:52,317 --> 00:25:55,153 AND THEY'RE MY SPEED. AND YOU WORKED AS A-- YOU WORKED 398 00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,356 ON THE SALTY, BRINY DEEP OUT THERE AS A COMMERCIAL FISHERMAN, 399 00:25:58,423 --> 00:26:02,160 AND YOU'RE CANADIAN. AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU KNOW 400 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:05,730 THE STAN ROGERS SEA SHANTY CLASSIC-- HE'S A CANADIAN FOLK 401 00:26:05,797 --> 00:26:09,167 SINGER, NO LONGER WITH US, UNFORTUNATELY. 402 00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:12,938 "CALLED BARRETT'S PRIVATEERS." ABOUT THE CANADIAN PIRATES. 403 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:14,806 DO YOU KNOW THE SONG? >> I THINK SO. 404 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:17,909 >> Stephen: IF I STARTED IT, WOULD YOU JUMP IN. 405 00:26:17,976 --> 00:26:20,312 >> TO SING IT WITH YOU? >> Stephen: YES. 406 00:26:20,378 --> 00:26:29,821 JOHN, CAN YOU GIVE ME A "D" ♪ THE YEAR WAS 1778. 407 00:26:29,888 --> 00:26:35,827 I WISH I WAS IN SHER BROOK NOW ♪ AND A LETTER OF MARK CAME FROM 408 00:26:35,894 --> 00:26:38,797 THE KING ♪ OH, DAMN THEM ALL! 409 00:26:38,863 --> 00:26:39,664 I WAS TOLD ♪ WE'D CRUISE THE SEAS FOR 410 00:26:39,731 --> 00:26:43,134 AMERICAN GOLD ♪ WE'D FIRE NO GUNS, 411 00:26:43,201 --> 00:26:45,270 SHED NO TEARS ♪ BUT I'M A BROKEN MAN 412 00:26:45,337 --> 00:26:47,839 ON A HALIFAX PIER ♪ THE LAST OF BARRETT'S 413 00:26:47,906 --> 00:26:54,212 PRIVATEERS OH, SAID BARRETT, CRIED THE 414 00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:57,782 TOWN. HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHERBROOKE 415 00:26:57,849 --> 00:26:58,783 NOW. ♪ FOR TWENTY BRAVE MEN 416 00:26:58,850 --> 00:26:59,818 ALL FISHERMEN WHO ♪ WOULD MAKE FOR HIM THE 417 00:26:59,884 --> 00:27:01,753 ANTELOPE'S CREW ♪ OH, DAMN THEM ALL! 418 00:27:01,820 --> 00:27:03,288 I WAS TOLD ♪ WE'D CRUISE THE SEAS FOR 419 00:27:03,355 --> 00:27:07,826 AMERICAN GOLD ♪ WE'D FIRE NO GUNS, 420 00:27:07,892 --> 00:27:11,496 SHED NO TEARS ♪ BUT I'M A BROKEN MAN 421 00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:15,266 ON A HALIFAX PIER ♪ THE LAST OF BARRETT'S 422 00:27:15,333 --> 00:27:19,237 PRIVATEERS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 423 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:24,743 MICHAEL BUBLE. THE ALBUM, "HIGHER," IS 424 00:27:24,809 --> 00:27:27,145 AVAILABLE MARCH 25. STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE 425 00:27:27,212 --> 00:27:30,081 FROM MICHAEL BUBLE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROSE 426 00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:30,949 MATAFEO! ♪ ♪ ♪ 427 00:27:48,833 --> 00:27:52,937 ( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK. 428 00:27:53,004 --> 00:27:54,472 EVERYBODY. MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND 429 00:27:54,539 --> 00:27:58,309 ACTOR WHO CREATED, WROTE, AND STARS IN THE SERIES, 430 00:27:58,376 --> 00:28:02,080 "STARSTRUCK." >> THIS IS YOUR HANDWRITING. 431 00:28:02,147 --> 00:28:04,616 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> NO, NO, NO. 432 00:28:04,682 --> 00:28:08,119 DO NOT READ THIS. >> WHY DID YOU SEND ME A 433 00:28:08,186 --> 00:28:11,022 LETTER-- OKAY. >> SO I MAY HAVE SENT A FEW 434 00:28:11,089 --> 00:28:16,261 LETTERS TO PEOPLE WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING THE COUNTRY 435 00:28:16,327 --> 00:28:18,997 FOREVER. >> AND WHAT SORT OF EMOTIONAL 436 00:28:19,064 --> 00:28:32,444 SPACE WERE YOU IN AT THE TIME? >> NOT A GREAT ONE. 437 00:28:32,510 --> 00:28:35,880 >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"ROSE MATAFEO! 438 00:28:35,947 --> 00:28:49,327 ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE ) 439 00:28:49,394 --> 00:28:52,497 >> HELLO! >> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE 440 00:28:52,564 --> 00:28:53,965 YOU HERE. >> SO LOVELY TO BE HERE. 441 00:28:54,032 --> 00:28:57,936 >> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND THIS IS YOUR FIRST AMERICAN 442 00:28:58,002 --> 00:28:59,537 LATE-NIGHT INTERVIEW. >> IT IS, IT IS, IT'S A 443 00:28:59,604 --> 00:29:01,406 PLEASURE. >> Stephen: HONORED, HONORED. 444 00:29:01,473 --> 00:29:02,807 THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US HERE. 445 00:29:02,874 --> 00:29:04,509 >> I CAN'T BELIEVE-- ( APPLAUSE ) 446 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:07,645 HOW AM I HERE? >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE 447 00:29:07,712 --> 00:29:09,013 REALLY FUNNY. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE. 448 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,182 >> STOP IT! >> Stephen: YOU'RE FROM NEW 449 00:29:11,249 --> 00:29:13,251 ZEALAND, FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DON'T KNOW. 450 00:29:13,318 --> 00:29:14,452 >> WHAT? >> Stephen: EXACTLY. 451 00:29:14,519 --> 00:29:18,523 IT'S NOT A BIG PLACE. >> IT REALLY-- YOU'VE BEEN. 452 00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:20,225 >> Stephen: I'VE BEEN SEVERAL TIMES. 453 00:29:20,291 --> 00:29:22,694 I LOVE IT THERE. >> DO YOU LOVE IT. 454 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,195 >> Stephen: I WOULD GO BACK IN A MINUTE? 455 00:29:24,262 --> 00:29:26,331 >> OH, WOULD YOU. >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING-- 456 00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:28,933 DO ALL THE CELEBRITIES IN NEW ZEALAND KNOW EACH OTHER? 457 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:35,406 LIKE, DO YOU HANG OUT-- I WANT I WENT TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S 458 00:29:35,473 --> 00:29:38,510 HOUSE AND WENT FOR A LITTLE GRILL IN THE BACKYARD, AND 459 00:29:38,576 --> 00:29:41,079 LOUDER WAS THERE. THEY ALL KNOW EACH OTHER. 460 00:29:41,146 --> 00:29:44,649 >> >> I DON'T WANT TO ADD TO THE 461 00:29:44,716 --> 00:29:46,951 STEREOTYPE THAT NEW ZEALAND IS SO SMALL THAT EVERYONE KNOWS 462 00:29:47,018 --> 00:29:53,491 EACH OTHER, BUT, YEAH, IT IS. I KNOW JACINDA, SHE WAS THE 463 00:29:53,558 --> 00:29:57,729 CULTURE AND ARTS MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND. 464 00:29:57,795 --> 00:30:02,567 AND I DO IMPROV COMEDY. >> Stephen: YOU DO IMPROV 465 00:30:02,634 --> 00:30:04,235 COMEDY? >> I DON'T WANT TO OUT MYSELF. 466 00:30:04,302 --> 00:30:05,737 >> Stephen: DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW? 467 00:30:05,803 --> 00:30:09,607 >> I CAN NEVER TELL THEM. SHE DID, LIKE, MONOLOGUES AND 468 00:30:09,674 --> 00:30:10,775 STUFF. >> Stephen: SHE WOULD GET UP 469 00:30:10,842 --> 00:30:14,412 AND DO A MONOLOGUE BEFORE YOU DID A SET AS INSPIRATION? 470 00:30:14,479 --> 00:30:17,782 >> HER VARIESES, WHAT WAS SHE DOING. 471 00:30:17,849 --> 00:30:19,284 >> Stephen: AS PRIME MINISTER-- 472 00:30:19,350 --> 00:30:22,020 >> AS PRIME MINISTER. IT WAS WILD. 473 00:30:22,086 --> 00:30:25,557 YOU WANT A PRIME MINISTER WHO -- >> Stephen: WE NEED BETTER 474 00:30:25,623 --> 00:30:29,027 RULERS OVER HERE. >> YEAH, YEAH. 475 00:30:29,093 --> 00:30:30,695 IMAGINE. >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT 476 00:30:30,762 --> 00:30:33,298 "STARSTRUCK." >> YES. 477 00:30:33,364 --> 00:30:36,701 CONTEXTUALIZE ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO 478 00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:39,237 I AM. >> Stephen: IT'S A SHOW ON HBO 479 00:30:39,304 --> 00:30:41,773 MAX THAT YOU WROTE, YOU CREATED, YOU STAR IN. 480 00:30:41,839 --> 00:30:45,476 PEOPLE LOVE IT. IT'S VERY FUNNY. 481 00:30:45,543 --> 00:30:47,145 IT'S A ROM-COM. WHAT INSPIRED YOU? 482 00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:50,615 DID YOU LOVE THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES? 483 00:30:50,682 --> 00:30:53,751 >> I WAS A TEENAGER OBSESSED WITH ROMANTIC COMEDIES. 484 00:30:53,818 --> 00:30:56,754 THERE WAS A POINT IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS 17 YEARS OLD WHERE I 485 00:30:56,821 --> 00:31:02,327 WOULD WATCH "BRIDGET JOANS' DIARY" EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED. 486 00:31:02,393 --> 00:31:05,597 LAUGH THROUGH THE TEARS. I WOULD SKIP TO THE GOOD BITS 487 00:31:05,663 --> 00:31:09,167 EVERY NIGHT. IT WAS-- I THINK IT GAVE ME A 488 00:31:09,234 --> 00:31:10,868 VERY STRANGE, UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION OF WHAT LOVE WOULD 489 00:31:10,935 --> 00:31:15,940 BE WHEN I GREW UP. BUT IT DID INSPIRE ME TO WRITE A 490 00:31:16,007 --> 00:31:19,277 ROM-COM, WHEN I EVENTUALLY GOT TO LEGAL AGE. 491 00:31:19,344 --> 00:31:24,549 I WAS OBSESSED WITH ROM-COMS AND WHEN IT CAME TO WRITING 492 00:31:24,616 --> 00:31:29,787 SOMETHING COULD BE IN, I WAS LIKE YEAH, I'M GOING TO WRITE 493 00:31:29,854 --> 00:31:34,325 MYSELF IN. IT'S PAMET THETIC WRITING YOUR 494 00:31:34,392 --> 00:31:37,195 OPEN ROM-COM. YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH YOURSELF 495 00:31:37,262 --> 00:31:40,431 WHEN YOU'RE RIGHTING IT. YOU'RE WRITING A SCIPT, "I SAID 496 00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:42,700 THIS, HAHA." AND HE SAYS, "THAT'S SO FUNNY, 497 00:31:42,767 --> 00:31:45,837 HAHA." AND I SAID WHAT IS THIS, IT'S SO 498 00:31:45,903 --> 00:31:48,373 GROSS. >> Stephen: WHAT'S GROCER, NOT 499 00:31:48,439 --> 00:31:52,143 GETTING IT RIGHT. >> WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR 500 00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:53,745 SOMETIMES. PLEASE WATCH IT. 501 00:31:53,811 --> 00:31:56,314 PLEASE, PLEASE. >> Stephen: PLEASE WATCH IT. 502 00:31:56,381 --> 00:31:59,183 WE'LL GET THAT AT THE END. I WANT TO ASK YOU ONE THING, 503 00:31:59,250 --> 00:32:01,552 BACK TO NEW ZEALAND FOR A SECOND. 504 00:32:01,619 --> 00:32:05,757 YOUR NATIONAL DESSERT IS SOMETHING CALLED A PAF LOAFA. 505 00:32:05,823 --> 00:32:08,393 >> DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS HERE? 506 00:32:08,459 --> 00:32:11,596 >> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT A PAVLOVA IS? 507 00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:15,466 >> IT'S LIKE A MERINGUE DESSERT. OKAY, THIS IS-- YOU'RE PULLING 508 00:32:15,533 --> 00:32:21,039 OUT THE BIG GUNS HERE. THIS IS MY NAN, JESSIE. 509 00:32:21,105 --> 00:32:24,375 YOU DO AN AW. LOOK CLOSER AT THAT DESSERT. 510 00:32:24,442 --> 00:32:33,117 THIS IS WHEN WE CAME OUT OF LOCKDOWN, AND SHE MADE A 511 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:35,586 COVID-19-THEMED, C19. LOOK HOW PROUD SHE IS. 512 00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:37,855 LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS AS WELL. 513 00:32:37,922 --> 00:32:40,391 ( LAUGHTER ) YOU? 514 00:32:40,458 --> 00:32:42,593 WHY ARE YOU ALL SO INTO THE MERINGUE? 515 00:32:42,660 --> 00:32:44,729 >> I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A NATIONAL THING. 516 00:32:44,796 --> 00:32:48,633 I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE PAVLOVA THAT MUCH. 517 00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:52,804 >> Stephen: CRUNCHY SWEG EGG. >> SURPRISING THEY DIDN'T GO 518 00:32:52,870 --> 00:32:56,074 WITH THAT NAME FOR THE DESSERT, CRUNCHY SWEET EGG. 519 00:32:56,140 --> 00:33:01,179 SHE'S MY NAMESAKE IN THE SHOW. >> Stephen: I HAVE TO LEGALLY 520 00:33:01,245 --> 00:33:03,715 ASK ANYBODY FROM NEW ZEALAND IF THEY'RE REQUESTED LORD OF THE 521 00:33:03,781 --> 00:33:05,883 RINGS "FAN. >> I HOPED YOU ASKED. 522 00:33:05,950 --> 00:33:10,722 I AM, STEPHEN. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE AS MUCH OF A 523 00:33:10,788 --> 00:33:13,858 NERD. MUR MORE OF A NERD-- I'M SORRY. 524 00:33:13,925 --> 00:33:19,197 >> Stephen: NO, IT'S AN HONOR. YOU NEE NEEDN'T APOLOGIZE. 525 00:33:19,263 --> 00:33:21,299 I TAKE IT. IT'S A CROWN I WEAR. 526 00:33:21,366 --> 00:33:26,738 >> I USED TO TAPE MY EARS TO LOOK LIKE ELF EARS AND GET MY 527 00:33:26,804 --> 00:33:30,308 HAIR STUCK IN THE TAPE AND CUT MY OWN HAIR TO GET IT OUT OF IT. 528 00:33:30,375 --> 00:33:39,450 I DID EVERY HOBBIT NAME GENERATOR ON THE INTERNET. 529 00:33:39,517 --> 00:33:42,487 GOLDIE OVERHILL OF NO BOTTLE. I WAS OBSESSED. 530 00:33:42,553 --> 00:33:47,358 I-- I WAS SO-- I LOVED "THE HOBBIT" BECAUSE I WAS VERY MUCH 531 00:33:47,425 --> 00:33:49,861 OF THE AGE. WHEN I WAS NINE OR 10 I READ IT. 532 00:33:49,927 --> 00:33:53,464 I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH THE HOBBIT. 533 00:33:53,531 --> 00:33:59,003 I WAS READING "THE HOBBIT" AS I WAS EATING POTATO CHIPS, AS ONE 534 00:33:59,070 --> 00:34:00,338 DOES. I REMEMBER I MARKED ONE OF THE 535 00:34:00,405 --> 00:34:04,442 PAGES WITH THE GREASE FROM THE POTATO CHIPS-- WHY AM I TELLING 536 00:34:04,509 --> 00:34:06,611 THIS ON THIS SHOW? IT'S PRETTY WEIRD. 537 00:34:06,677 --> 00:34:08,813 >> Stephen: ON PURPOSE? >> NO BY ACCIDENT. 538 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:13,184 I WAS SO BEREST, I WROTE A CONTRACT WITH MYSELF THEY WOULD 539 00:34:13,251 --> 00:34:17,722 NEVER EAT THAT FLAVOR OF CHIP AGAIN IN MY LIFE. 540 00:34:17,789 --> 00:34:20,057 AND I NEVER DID. ( LAUGHTER ) 541 00:34:20,124 --> 00:34:26,197 THOSE CHIPS AT A PARTY, AND I WAS LIKE, "THEY HAVE TO LEAVE." 542 00:34:26,264 --> 00:34:27,799 >> Stephen: CAN I ASK WHAT FLAVOR IT WAS? 543 00:34:27,865 --> 00:34:33,204 >> IT WAS LIKE A BAKED POTATO FLAVORED CHIP CALLED "THE 544 00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:34,839 WORKS." IT'S DISCONTINUED NOW. 545 00:34:34,906 --> 00:34:37,008 SOMETHING IN IT. ( LAUGHTER ). 546 00:34:37,074 --> 00:34:39,310 OUT OF THE MARKET. >> LOVED IT. 547 00:34:39,377 --> 00:34:42,847 I WAS OBSESSED WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS." 548 00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:45,750 I>> Stephen: IS THERE A SENSE I'M FROM NEW ZEALAND, CAN I BE A 549 00:34:45,817 --> 00:34:49,320 FAN OF "LORD OF THE RINGS?" >> IT CAME AT THE PERFECT TIME 550 00:34:49,387 --> 00:34:55,326 FOR ME TO BE OBSESSED WITH IT. I HAD SUCH A CRUSH ON LEGALES 551 00:34:55,393 --> 00:34:58,329 AND ARLEN AT THE SAME TIME. >> Stephen: SURE, GET IN LINE. 552 00:34:58,396 --> 00:35:00,431 >> STOP IT. >> Stephen: I GOT TO MEET 553 00:35:00,498 --> 00:35:01,365 THOSE PEOPLE. >> DID YOU? 554 00:35:01,432 --> 00:35:02,633 >> Stephen: IT'S VERY HARD TO LOOK AT THEM. 555 00:35:02,700 --> 00:35:05,703 >> ARE YOU KIDDING? >> Stephen: I DO A TV SHOW AND 556 00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:09,040 THEY COME ON AND SIT THERE. >> WHAT WERE THEY LIKE? 557 00:35:09,106 --> 00:35:12,276 HOW TALL WERE THEY? >> Stephen: NOT AS TALL AS YOU 558 00:35:12,343 --> 00:35:13,144 THINK. >> REALLY? 559 00:35:13,211 --> 00:35:14,812 >> Stephen: NO ONE IN SHOW BUSINESS IS. 560 00:35:14,879 --> 00:35:17,615 >> HOW TALL ARE YOU. >> Stephen: YOU'RE TALLER 561 00:35:17,682 --> 00:35:18,749 THANE THOUGHT? >> AM I. 562 00:35:18,816 --> 00:35:20,451 >> Stephen: CAN I SEE THE SHOES? 563 00:35:20,518 --> 00:35:22,687 NOT TOO MUCH. >> I USED TO HAVE A CELEBRITY 564 00:35:22,753 --> 00:35:24,355 HEIGHT CHART. >> Stephen: YOU HAD A 565 00:35:24,422 --> 00:35:25,623 CELEBRITY HEIGHT CHART CAN? >> YES. 566 00:35:25,690 --> 00:35:27,625 >> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS? 567 00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:29,961 >> NO, I MADE IT. SO -- 568 00:35:30,027 --> 00:35:32,263 >> Stephen: THAT'S THE SORT OF THING WHEN THE INVESTIGATORS 569 00:35:32,330 --> 00:35:35,199 COME IN THEY GO, "YEAH, THIS IS THE MURDERER. 570 00:35:35,266 --> 00:35:38,870 THIS IS THE MURDERER. SHE WAS LOOKING FOR A LONG THIGH 571 00:35:38,936 --> 00:35:40,071 BONE." >> THAT CHECKS OUT. 572 00:35:40,137 --> 00:35:42,573 WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER I WAS QUITE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY 573 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,476 HEIGHT. WHAT I WOULD DO IN MY DIARY, I 574 00:35:45,543 --> 00:35:48,946 WOULD-- I COLLECTED CELEBRITY HEIGHTS AND THE DIFFERENCE IN 575 00:35:49,013 --> 00:35:52,183 CENTIMETERS OF THEM TO ME. SO MAYBE ONE DAY I WOULD MEET 576 00:35:52,250 --> 00:35:55,219 THEM AND I WOULDN'T GET A SURPRISE. 577 00:35:55,286 --> 00:36:00,258 AND I'LL ADD YOU, IF YOU WANT. >> Stephen: I'M 5'11". 578 00:36:00,324 --> 00:36:02,226 HOW DOES THAT STACK UP? >> IT'S REALLY GOOD. 579 00:36:02,293 --> 00:36:05,897 >> Stephen: IS IT A GOOD ONE. >> I THINK NICOLLE KIDMAN AND 580 00:36:05,963 --> 00:36:08,799 CAMERON DIAZ, MAY BE SIMILAR. >> Stephen: WE'RE VERY 581 00:36:08,866 --> 00:36:11,035 SIMILAR. ( LAUGHTER ) 582 00:36:11,102 --> 00:36:14,572 LOVELY IT MEET YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING 583 00:36:14,639 --> 00:36:21,512 HERE. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. 584 00:36:21,579 --> 00:36:23,114 >> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF "STARSTRUCK" PREMIERES MARCH 585 00:36:23,180 --> 00:36:27,752 24 ON HBO MAX. ROSE MATAFEO, EVERYBODY! 586 00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:31,088 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY MICHAEL BUBLEÉ. 587 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:51,042 AND NOW PERFORMING 588 00:36:51,108 --> 00:36:54,478 "MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE" WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN FROM HIS 589 00:36:54,545 --> 00:37:09,427 ALBUM, "HIGHER," MICHAEL BUBLEÉ! 590 00:37:09,493 --> 00:37:21,939 ALBUM, "HIGHER," MICHAEL BUBLEÉ! 591 00:37:22,006 --> 00:37:22,873 ♪ WHEN THE RAIN IS BLOWING IN YOUR FACE 592 00:37:22,940 --> 00:37:27,144 ♪ AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS ON YOUR CASE 593 00:37:27,211 --> 00:37:29,747 ♪ I COULD OFFER YOU A WARM EMBRACE 594 00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:36,821 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ WHEN THE EVENING SHADOWS AND 595 00:37:36,887 --> 00:37:45,029 THE STARS APPEAR ♪ AND THERE IS NO ONE THERE TO 596 00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:51,502 ♪ I COULD HOLD YOU FOR A MILLION YEARS 597 00:37:51,569 --> 00:37:57,475 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR 598 00:37:57,541 --> 00:38:06,984 MIND UP YET BUT I WOULD NEVER DO YOU WRONG 599 00:38:07,051 --> 00:38:12,323 ♪ I'VE KNOWN IT FROM THE MOMENT THAT WE MET 600 00:38:12,390 --> 00:38:18,029 ♪ NO DOUBT IN MY MIND WHERE YOU BELONG 601 00:38:18,095 --> 00:38:22,867 ♪ I'D GO HUNGRY, I'D GO BLACK AND BLUE 602 00:38:22,933 --> 00:38:29,940 ♪ I'D GO CRAWLING DOWN THE AVENUE 603 00:38:30,007 --> 00:38:32,643 ♪ NO, THERE'S NOTHING THAT I WOULDN'T DO 604 00:38:32,710 --> 00:38:47,591 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ♪ ♪ 605 00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:57,468 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ♪ ♪ 606 00:38:57,535 --> 00:39:02,039 ♪ THE STORMS ARE RAGING ON THE 607 00:39:02,106 --> 00:39:09,513 ROLLING SEA AND ON THE HIGHWAY OF REGRET 608 00:39:09,580 --> 00:39:14,418 ♪ THOUGH WINDS OF CHANGE ARE THROWING WILD AND FREE 609 00:39:14,485 --> 00:39:19,690 ♪ YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING LIKE ME YET 610 00:39:19,757 --> 00:39:33,270 ♪ I COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE 611 00:39:33,337 --> 00:39:36,874 NOTHING THAT I WOULD NOT DO ♪ GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH 612 00:39:36,941 --> 00:39:45,483 FOR YOU ♪ TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE 613 00:39:45,549 --> 00:40:00,431 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 614 00:40:00,498 --> 00:40:10,207 TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 615 00:40:10,274 --> 00:40:12,743 THANK YOU. CHECK OUT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE 616 00:40:12,810 --> 00:40:16,781 FROM HIM ON colbertlateshow.com. MICHAEL BUBLE, EVERYBODY! 617 00:40:16,847 --> 00:40:19,917 THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT. 618 00:40:19,984 --> 00:40:23,354 GOOD NIGHT. JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!