>> WE NOW KNOW, THANKS TO REPORTING OUT OF "MOTHER JONES,"
THAT TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW FALLS SO IN LINE WITH THE FAKE
NARRATIVE THE KREMLIN IS TRYING TO PUSH THAT THE KREMLIN
ACTUALLY SENT OUT A MEMO TO RUSSIAN MEDIA OUTLETS
INSTRUCTING THEM TO LITERALLY PLAY MORE OF IT.
"IT IS ESSENTIAL TO USE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FRAGMENTS OF
BROADCASTS OF THE POPULAR FOX NEWS HOST TUCKER CARLSON."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> TONIGHT, ON ONLY CHANNEL THAT
IS ALLOWED, IT IS 100% MOST TRUE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND OF LADY M&M.
>> AN ENTIRE PROFESSIONAL CLASS DUTIFULLY CHANGED THEIR TWITTER
AVATARS FROM "MASK UP!" TO THE NOW-MANDATORY UKRAINIAN FLAG.
>> HOT CARLSON MAKE PUTIN GO "WOW, WOW, WOW."
IT'S YOU MUST SEE TV. TUNE IN TONIGHT, OR BE FORCED TO
FIGHT BEAR. THEN STAY TUNED FOR HAPPY VODKA
SHOUT TIME WITH COMRADE JEANINE.
>> Announcer: IT'S "THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
TONIGHT:
COMMANDER IN SPEECH. PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES:
MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO
FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.
AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK
CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOOO! >> Stephen: FRIENDS, FRIEND,
HELLO! HELLO UP THERE.
DOWN HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY WEDNESDAY. HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
HAPPIED WITH. HAPPY WEDNESDAY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS? TOMORROW MARKS THREE WEEKS SINCE
PUTIN INVADED UKRAINE, AND THE RUSSIAN MILITARY STUKK REMAINS
BOGGED DOWN, SO THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR TACTICS TO JUST
UNADULTERATED TERRORISM. THE KREMLIN DENIES THAT THEY'RE
TERRORIZING THE CIVILIAN POPULATION, BUT KYIV MAYOR AND
FORMER HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, VITALY KLITSCHKO, POLITELY
DISAGREES. >> PUTIN SAYS HE'S ONLY
TARGETING MILITARY TARGETS. >> (BLEEP)!
SORRY... >> Stephen: NO NEED TO
APOLOGIZE, CHAMP. AND WITH UKRAINIAN CITIES,
ESPECIALLY KYIV, UNDER CONSTANT ATTACK, UKRAINIAN
PRESIDENT VOLODMYR ZELENSKYY GAVE A VIRTUAL ADDRESS TO
CONGRESS THIS MORNING. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IT'S
WORTH WATCHING. THE ULTIMATE THRUST OF
ZELENSKYY'S APPEAL WAS TO THANK BIDEN FOR WHAT HE'S DONE SO FAR,
BUT ALSO TO CALL ON BIDEN TO DO MUCH MORE.
AND FOR THAT CALL, HE SWITCHED TO ENGLISH.
>> AS THE LEADER OF MY NATION, I AM ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT
BIDEN. YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THE
NATION, OF YOUR GREAT NATION. I WISH YOU TO BE THE LEADER
OF THE WORLD. BEING THE LEADER OF THE WORLD
MEANS TO BE THE LEADER OF PEACE. THANK YOU.
SLAVA UKRAINE. ( APPLAUSE )
POWERFUL WHEN THAT MANY OLD PEOPLE JUMP TO THEIR FEET.
THERE ARE KNEES IN THAT ROOM THAT WERE ALIVE DURING THE
ROOSEVELT ADMINISTRATION. IN RESPONSE TODAY, BIDEN
ANNOUNCED $800 MILLION IN NEW MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE.
THAT IS REMARKABLE, NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF HOW FAST HE MOVED,
BUT AT NO POINT DID HE USE THE PHRASE, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO
US A FAVOR, THOUGH." ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT WE'VE ALREADY BEEN GIVING THE UKRAINIANS, INCLUDING
JAVELIN ANTI-TANK AND STINGER ANTI-AIRCRAFT MISSILES.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, WE'LL BUST OUT THE MOST POTENT WEAPON
IN THE AMERICAN ARSENAL: THE T-SHIRT CANNON!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
YOU WATCH YOURSELF, VLAD, OR WE WILL PELT YOU WITH METS
CREWNECKS THAT ARE ALL X-L. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LATER.
LET'S EARN IT. LET'S EARN IT.
WATCH-- WATCH WHERE YOU POINT THAT.
RUSSIA HAS BEEN DESPERATE FOR SUPPLIES AND WEAPONS, AND THEY
WERE JUST DEALT ANOTHER BLOW TODAY WHEN IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
QUEEN ELIZABETH WILL NO LONGER LEND MOSCOW THREE ANCIENT
SWORDS. THAT HAS GOT TO BE THE MOST
BRITISH SANCTION OF ALL TIME. ( AS QUEEN )
BE RECEIVING ANY BEJEWELED RAPIERS, NOR SHALL ANY OF HIS
CREAM BE CLOTTED! AND YOUNG RUSSIANS IN NEED OF
LOVE AND DISCIPLINE WILL THAVE TO DO WITHOUT FLYING NANNIES AND
CHIMNEY SWEEPS. CHIM-CHIMMA-(BLEEP)-YOOOUUUU."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOTS OF COMPANIES HAVE PULLED
OUT OF RUSSIA, BUT ONE AMERICAN FRANCHISE IS STAYING:
190 PAPA JOHN'S RESTAURANTS IN RUSSIA ARE STILL OPEN AND
SELLING PIZZAS. THAT'S CRAZY.
THEY CALL PAPA JOHN'S A RESTAURANT?
( LAUGHTER ) CORPORATE OPERATIONS, BUT THE
VAST MAJORITY OF THE FRANCHISES IN THE COUNTRY WILL KEEP
CRANKING OUT THE SALTY BATHMATS THEY CALL PIZZA, BECAUSE THEY
ARE PRIMARILY OWNED BY RUSSIANS. THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE SO RUSSIAN, THEY'VE EVEN UPDATED THE SLOGAN TO
"BETTER INGREDIENTS, BETTER PIZZA.
JUST KIDDING. IS POTATO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( BLEEP ).
THERE YOU ANY. THERE YOU GO.
THERE WE GO. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BLEEP ). WOW!
I THINK THAT LANDED OVER IN THE
WINTER GARDEN. ( LAUGHTER )
COMPANY WHICH OVERSEES THESE RUSSIAN FRANCHISES, EXPLAINED
WHY THEY'VE DECIDED TO KEEP OPERATING, SAYING, "THE VAST
MAJORITY OF RUSSIAN PEOPLE ARE VERY CLEAR HEADED AND UNDERSTAND
THE DARK GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION THEY'RE IN.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, THEY APPRECIATE A GOOD PIZZA."
ADDING, "UNFORTUNATELY, WE SERVE PAPA JOHN'S."
( LAUGHTER ) THE MOST PAINFUL LOSS OF ALL,
BECAUSE MY BELOVED PARENT COMPANY, PARAMOUNT, HAS
ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SUSPEND OPERATIONS IN RUSSIA.
THAT'S RIGHT, RUSSIA! ( APPLAUSE ).
UH-HUH! COME ON, GET IT.
>> Stephen: YOU STEP OUT OF LINE, AND THE GOOD PEOPLE AT
PARAMOUNT WILL SNAP INTO ACTION...
A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER WE MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE HAS DONE IT!
WE JUST-- WE JUST DON'T HAVE A VERY GOOD SIGNAL UP ON THE
MOUNTAIN. WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING
ON. AND I GOTTA SAY, I THINK THIS
MIGHT BE THE THING THAT ENDS THE WAR.
PUTIN'S BOUND TO SURRENDER THE MINUTE HE HEARS HE'S LOSING
ACCESS TO A MOUNTAIN OF ENTERTAINMENT.
SAY DASVIDANIYA TO ALL 6 SEASONS OF "I-CARLY," "CROCODILE DUNDEE
IN LOS ANGELES," AND THE JEWEL OF THE PARAMOUNT EMPIRE,
"THE LOVE GURU," FEATURING YOURS TRULY AS A HOCKEY ANNOUNCER!
A SUBJECT I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! ( APPLAUSE )
OF AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF THIS WAR DOESN'T STOP IMMEDIATELY, I AM GOING TO
EXTEND THE SANCTIONS ON "THE LOVE GURU" TO INCLUDE EVERY
NATION ON EARTH. THAT'S RIGHT, NO ONE GETS TO SEE
THIS MOVIE THAT I AM VERY PROUD OF UNTIL THE WAR ENDS.
AND NOT JUST THIS WAR, ALL WARS. NO, I MUST!
FOR PEACE! I'M GONNA THROW "BEWITCHED" IN
THERE, TOO. I DON'T KNOW WHO MADE THAT ONE,
BUT IT'S TIME THEY PULLED IT FROM THE RUSSIAN MARKET, AND
FROM MY IMDb PAGE. ALL THIS ECONOMIC PAIN HAS
PROMPTED RUSSIA TO SAY, "RIGHT BACK AT YA' COMRADE!"
BECAUSE YESTERDAY, RUSSIA ANNOUNCED THAT THEY'RE HITTING
BIDEN, BLINKEN, AND OTHER TOP U.S. OFFICIALS WITH SANCTIONS.
OH, THAT'S ADORABLE. THEY'RE DOING THEIR OWN
SANCTIONS! IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE YOUR KID
A BUBBLE LAWN MOWER AND THEY'RE LIKE, "I'M A WORLD POWER, TOO!"
AND YOU SURE ARE, BUDDY. DOIN' A GREAT JOB.
THE SANCTIONS WORK THE SAME WAY OURS DO.
SO, FOR ANYONE ON THE LIST, ANY ASSETS THEY HOLD IN RUSSIA WILL
BE FROZEN, AND THEY ARE PROHIBITED FROM ENTERING THE
COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD BE A THREAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO GO TO
RIGHT NOW. NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE TRAVELING TO
SPRING BREAK IN YAKUTSK. NUMBER ONE ON THE SANCTION LIST
IS PRESIDENT BIDEN. SORT OF.
BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS SANCTIONED JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN, WHICH
SOUNDS LIKE THE PRESIDENT, BUT AS JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED:
>> I WOULD FIRST NOTE THAT PRESIDENT BIDEN IS A JUNIOR, SO
THEY MAY HAVE SANCTIONED HIS DAD, MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOTCHA THERE, JACK!
NO, PLEASE. I'M THE LIL' JUNIOR MINT!
NAMED AFTER MY POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN SR.
AND HE WAS NAMED AFTER HIS POPS, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN THE
PREQUEL. FAMILY WAS SO POOR, WE COULD
ONLY AFFORD ONE NAME. ALSO SHARED ONE PAIR OF PANTS
AND THREE SHOES WE KEPT ON ROTATION.
TOUGH TO GET AROUND TOWN, BUT WE CLEANED UP IN THE THREE-LEGGED
RACE. NAH, I'M SERIOUS, FOLKS!
WE WON ALL KINDSA TAFFY." ( LAUGHTER )
♪ ♪ ♪ RIGHT NOW, RUSSIA IS MAINLY
TARGETING POLITICAL FIGURES, BUT THAT MIGHT CHANGE.
THEIR FOREIGN MINISTRY ANNOUNCED IT INTENDS TO SANCTION MORE U.S.
OFFICIALS, MILITARY LEADERS, LAWMAKERS, AND MEMBERS OF THE
MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF THE COUNTRY.
MEMBERS OF THE MEDIA WHO ARE CRITICAL OF RUSSIA?
WHY, THAT'S ME! ( LAUGHTER )
GONNA BE SO MAD IF JOHN OLIVER GETS BANNED FROM RUSSIA AND I
DON'T. HE ONLY CRITICIZES PUTIN ONCE A
WEEK! WE SHOULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME
SANCTION CATEGORY! HE GETS SANCTIONED EVERY YEAR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE MICHAEL BUBLE AND ROSE MATAFEO.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE"!
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: HI! >> Stephen:-- YOU KNOW, IT'S
ALWAYS-- I'M ALWAYS REALLY HAPPY.
WE HAVE A MUSICAL GUEST ON TONIGHT WHO IS ALSO GOING TO BE
MY FIRST GUEST. MICHAEL BUBLE IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A LITTLE WHILE. AND ROSE MATAFEO FROM
"STARSTRUCK" ON HBO IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE TONIGHT, TOO.
BUT FIRST, MR. BUBLE, IS GOING TO BE HERE, AND I LOVE IT WHEN
THE GUEST IS HERE AND THEY SING WITH YOU ALL AND THE BAND.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SONGS YOU'RE GOING TO BE DOING?"
>> Jon: WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING REQUESTED CRAZY" FOR THE
WEB. >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, SIFTING THROUGH THE
DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, HAND SELECTING ONLY THE FINEST, MOST
PERFECTLY AGED BURMESE NEWS TEAK.
THEN CAREFULLY CARVING AND SHAPING IT INTO A REFINED
BUDDHA, DEPICTED IN THE "CALLING THE EARTH TO WITNESS" GESTURE,
WITH CHARACTERISTIC CIRCULAR PATTERNS ON THE ROBE, SHINS, AND
KNEES, OF COURSE, WHICH I THEN CAREFULLY GILD WITH THE
MOST TOPICAL GOLD LEAF. I THEN HARVEST THE SAP OF THE
USITATA TREE TO APPLY A DELICATE THAI-O LACQUER, AND FINALLY HAND
DECORATE IT WITH WHITE GLASS INLAYS TO CREATE FOR YOU THE
GLORIOUS AMARA-PURA PERIOD SCULPTURE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, I WASH UP ON A GALVESTON
BEACH, NAKED ON A RAFT OF GAS CANS AFTER ESCAPING A FIGHT CLUB
IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS. THEN, STILL DERANGED ON A
COCKTAIL OF MESCALINE AND COUGH SYRUP, I STEAL A CINDER BLOCK
FROM UNDER A STRIPPED '87 FORD TAURUS, AND CHIP AWAY AT IT
WITH A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE I SCAVENGED FROM A GOODWILL
DUMPSTER UNTIL IT VAGUELY RESEMBLES THE HUNGERING WOLF
THAT SCRATCHES AT THE DOOR OF MY DREAMS AND PRESENT TO YOU
THE TORMENTED DREAD-EFFIGY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
RIGHT THERE. THAT IS LIKE A SORBET FOR THE
MIND. MEANWHILE, IN MASSACHUSSETTS,
JETBLUE PASSENGERS WERE LEFT WAITING ON THEIR PLANE AFTER THE
JETBLUE AIRPORT CREW HAD LEFT FOR THE NIGHT.
THEY SAT ON THE TARMAC A WHILE, AND THEN THE PILOT SAID, "I HAVE
SOMETHING EMBARRASSING TO TELL YOU GUYS."
ADDING, "I USED TO FLY FOR SPIRIT."
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN MORE OF AN 'EI-FULL,'
BECAUSE IT "GREW BY NEARLY 20 FEET ON TUESDAY AFTER
ENGINEERS HOISTED A NEW COMMUNICATIONS ANTENNA AT THE
VERY TOP BY USING A HELICOPTER TO LOWER THE ANTENNA INTO PLACE.
PARISIANS WONDERED AT THE ADDITION.
THOUSANDS GATHERED BELLOW TO LOOK ON AND EXCLAIM:
"EH." ( LAUGHTER )
RARE... >> "MEANWHILE UPDATE!"
>> Stephen: LAST YEAR, WE BROUGHT YOU THE STORY OF A NEW
ZEALAND COUPLE WHO WERE BELIEVED TO HAVE FOUND THE WORLD'S
LARGEST POTATO. JIM, DO WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
THAT POTAT-- OH,MY GOD JIMMY, CAN YOU MAKE IT LESS
SCARY? THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD FOR THE POTATO, BECAUSE
THIS WEEK, "GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS" RULED THAT THE GIANT
POTATO IS NOT, IN FACT, A POTATO BUT SOMETHING CALLED A
GOURD TUBER. REALLY?
BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK AT THIS ABOMINATION, I WANT TO SCREAM,
"THERE IS NO GOURD." MEANWHILE, "THE ROLLING STONES
JUST ANNOUNCED A 60th ANNIVERSARY EUROPEAN TOUR, WHICH
THEY ARE CALLING "SIXTY." ALSO IN HONOR OF THEIR
INCREDIBLY LONG CAREER, THEY ARE RENAMING THEMSELVES "THE KIDNEY
STONES." ( LAUGHTER )
TAKE A DRINK OF WATER. IT'S A QUALITY JOKE.
MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN KENNEL
CLUB JUST PUBLISHED THEIR LIST OF THE MOST POPULAR DOG BREEDS,
AND FOR THE 31st YEAR IN A ROW LABS ARE NUMBER ONE.
( APPLAUSE ) REACHED FOR COMMENT, A LAB SAID,
"BACON?" BACON?
MEANWHILE-- SQUIRREL? CRUISE LINE VIRGIN VOYAGES HAS
LAUNCHED A NEW ADULTS-ONLY SHIP, WITH SLIGHTLY LESS USUAL
OFFERINGS, LIKE A TATTOO PARLOR. BECAUSE THERE'S NO HIGHER
QUALITY TATTOO THAN ONE ADMINISTERED ON OPEN WATER:
"YES, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SKULL, BUT WE WERE IN SOME
PRETTY BIG SWELLS, SO I GOT, I'M GONNA SAY, A GOURD TUBER WITH
DENTURES." ( LAUGHTER )
GOURD! MAKE IT TALK.
MEANWHILE, DOLLY PARTON HAS DECLINED HER ROCK & ROLL HALL OF
FAME NOMINATION. THAT'S NOT NECESSARY, DOLLY.
YOU CAN JUST SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CLEVELAND."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL BUBLE.
( APPLAUSE ) HEY WELCOME BACK EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS A REAL TREAT.
>> Jon: THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST IS A SINGER AND
SONGWRITER WHO HAS SOLD OVER 65 MILLION RECORDS AND WON FOUR
GRAMMYS. HIS NEW ALBUM IS CALLED
"HIGHER." PLEASE WELCOME, MICHAEL BUBLE!
♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: LOVELY TO HAVE YOU
ON. >> LOVELY TO BE HAD.
>> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. NICE TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN
LIGHTING UP THE CHARTS THRILLING PEOPLE FOR 20 YEARS.
AND-- SONGS, MANY OF WHICH ARE THE AMERICAN STANDARDS.
YOU LOVE THE AMERICAN STANDARD SONGBOOK.
>> I DO, I DO. >> Stephen: OKAY.
SO HOW DID YOU FIRST-- LIKE, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU BECAME
AWARE OF THESE CLASSIC SONGS? >> WEIRDLY, I WAS PROBABLY FIVE
YEARS OLD, FOUR, FIVE YEARS OLD. AND I THINK LIKE, THERE WAS
INFILTRATION WITH CHRISTMAS, WEIRDLY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE BING CROSBY, NAT KING COLE.
>> THERE WAS ALWAYS BING CROSBY PLAYING IN THE HOUSE, AND I
THINK IT WAS AN INTRODUCTION TO JAZZ, INCREDIBLE MUSICIANSHIP,
GREAT SONGS, GREAT MELODY, GREAT LYRICS.
VERY, VERY CATHOLIC UPBRINGING. >> Stephen: ME, TOO.
>> IT WAS IN OUR HOUSEHOLD. IT MEANT A LOT TO ME.
>> Stephen: SAINT CROSBY. >> SAINT BING.
IT WAS INTERESTING. IT'S WEIRD, IT'S EMBARRASSING A
LITTLE BIT FOR ME TO SAY THAT. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? >> IT'S WEIRD.
MOST PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY, "SO, STING, WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR
MUSIC?" HE DOESN'T SAY, "CHRISTMAS."
>> Stephen: DAVID BOWIE DID A DUET WITH BING?
>> THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOUR
GRANDFATHER HELPED YOU GET INTO MUSIC CLUBS, GET YOU GIGS, BUT
ALSO SMUGGLE YOU INTO MUSIC CLUBS AT A YOUNG AGE.
>> I COME FROM A FAMILY-- WE COME FROM A FAMILY OF COMMERCIAL
FISHERMEN AND PLUMBERS, NOT THE EASIEST WAY TO HAVE NEPOTISM
WHEN IT COMES TO THE BUSINESS. >> Stephen: BOTH WORK WITH
WATER. >> SO MY GRANDFATHER WOULD SNEAK
ME. I WAS 16, AND HE KNEW THIS IS
WHAT MY LOVE WAS. I MEAN, I-- I LOVED IT.
I KNEW FROM AN EARLY AGE THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO BE.
SO HE WOULD GO TO THE NIGHT CLUBS, AND HE'D, YOU KNOW, WORK
IN THE CLUBS IN THE DAYTIME FIXING HOT WATER HEATERS OR
TOILETS, WHATEVER. AND HE WOULD GO AND BRIBE-- HE'D
BRIBE ME IN, BASICALLY. >> Stephen: HOW?
>> WELL, HE'D SAID-- HE'D SAY, "LISTEN, THE KID IS A GREAT
SINGER. LET HIM GET UP THERE WITH YOUR
BAND." >> Stephen: NOT JUST GET YOU
IN THE CLUB, GET YOU ON STAGE? >> ON STAGE.
>> Stephen: PAY THEM OFF WITH A TOILET?
>> YES. >> Stephen: YOU GOTTA LOVE
GRANDPA. >> YEAH, SO HE JUST LOVED ME SO
MUCH AND HE BELIEVED IN ME SO MUCH, THAT HE WOULD-- HE WOULD
LITERALLY SAY TO THEM, "IF YOU LET THE KID UP ON STAGE WITH
YOUR BAND, I WILL GO AND FIX YOUR-- WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM.
GARBAGE-ATORS IN CANADA. >> Stephen: GARBAGE DISPOSAL.
>> GARBAGE DISPOSAL. AND THIS IS WHAT HE WOULD DO
LITERALLY, GET ME INTO CLUBS DOING THAT.
ONCE I GOT INTO THE CLUB I WOULD WORK YOU.
>> Stephen: HAVE TO PAY IT FORWARD FOR YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.
YOU SAY YOU HAVE TO LET THEM SING AND I WILL INSTALL YOUR
TOILET. THE NEW ALBUM, "HIGHER," YOUR
FIRST ALBUM IN THREE YEARS. ( APPLAUSE )
ALBUMS YOU HAVE DONE, NOT BEING A MUGZ MIEGZ, BUT LOOKING BACK
AT EACH ALBUM, I IMAGINE YOU SAY AT THAT POINT IN MY LIFE, I CAN
SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MY LIFE REFLECTED IN THE ALBUM.
WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT HOW YOU ARE AS AN ARTIST IN THIS ONE?
>> GOD, THAT'S A HEAVY QUESTION. >> Stephen: IT'S WHAT I DO.
>> YEAH. I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT MY SON AND
MY FAMILY IS OKAY AND HEALTHY. WE'VE ALL GONE THROUGH A TON.
NO ONE GETS THROUGH THIS LIFE WITHOUT DEALING WITH STRUGGLES
AND PAIN AND ALL OF THAT. AND FOR ME, I THINK FOR THE
FIRST TIME IN YEARS, I THINK I'M ALIVE.
I THINK I'M BREATHING. AND IF YOU CAN'T HEAR OR FEEL
THE JOY IN THAT RECORD, OF HOW I FEEL IN MY LIFE, THEN YOU NEVER
WILL. THIS IS AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE.
IT REALLY IS. IT'S A LOVE NOTE TO THE WORLD.
( APPLAUSE ) IT A LITTLE BIT LATER WHEN YOU
PLAY WITH THE BAND OAF THERE. >> YEAH, I CAN'T WAIT.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
BUT STICK AROUND. WHEN WE COME BACK, I WILL ASK
MICHAEL ABOUT HIS YOUTH AS A COMMERCIAL FISHERMAN.
IT'S TRUE. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ). WE'RE BACK HERE WITH MR. MICHAEL
BUBLE. NOW, THIS IS SOMETHING I'M
MILDLY JEALOUS OF HERE ONE ONE OF THE ALBUMS HERE, ONE OF THE
SONGS IS "MY VALENTINE" WHICH IS A PAUL McCARTNEY SONG.
AND YOU MANAGED TO GET PAUL McCARTNEY TO PRODUCE THAT
SONG. >> HOW ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: FOR YOUR ALBUM. HOW DOES ONE GET PAUL
McCARTNEY TO PRODUCE? JUST CALL HIM UP?
>> HIS MANAGER SENT MY MANAGER A NOTE FROM PAUL SAYING, "WE HEAR
YOU'RE DOING THIS RECORD. WE THINK YOU DO AWE GREAT JOB
COVERING THE SONG. SONG."
IT'S A SONG THAT MEANS A LOT TO HIM.
AND I WROTE BACK AND SAID, "WOULD YOU PRODUCE IT."
I WENT WITH MY FRIEND, WHO IS AN INCREDIBLE REASONINGER, AND I
SENT IT WITH MY PHONE NUMBER, NEVER THINKING I WOULD EVER GET
THE CALL. AND I WAS DRIVING ON SUNSET IN
L.A., AND THE PHONE RANG FROM A 44 NUMBER, AND I SAID, "HELLO?"
AND THIS BEAUTIFUL VOICE SAID, HI, IT'S PAUL MAC."
AND I PANICKED. AND I SAID-- I SWEAR TO GOD, I
SAID, "IT'S MICKEY BOOBS." >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> YEAH ( APPLAUSE )
AND I ASKED HIM, I SAID, "I NEVER WANT TO PUT YOU ON THE
SPOT, BUT I KNOW THAT YOU COULD TAKE GOOD AND TURN IT INTO
GREAT." AND I THINK HE'S ONE OF THE
GREATEST EYE KNOW I'M ALONE. HOW MANY PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW
TALENTED HE IS. >> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU FIND
THE COURAGE? WHERE DO YOU FIND THE COURAGE TO
COMPLIMENT PAUL MACART ME. >> I SAID TO HIM, LISTEN-- HE
TLD ME THE STORY OF THE SONG AND HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO HIM
PERSONALLY. >> Stephen: DID HE WRITE IT
FOR LINDA? >> NO, HE WROTE IT FOR HIS WIFE
NOW. AND THEY WERE ON A HOLIDAY, AND
HE TOLD ME IT WAS A RAINY DAY, AND SHE CAME BEHIND HIM, AND HE
WAS SITTING AT THE PIANO. AND SHE SAID, "SWEETHEART, WHAT
IF IT RAINS? WHO CARES?
WE HAVE EACH OTHER." AND HE SAID HE WROTE THE SONG
VERY QUICKLY, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY.
WE MET IN NEW YORK. HE'S INCREDIBLE.
THANK GOD I DIDN'T WATCH THE "LET IT BE" THE DOCUMENTARY.
BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY NERVOUS -- >> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN IT
SINCE? >> I WATCHED IT AFTER.
HE IS UNREAL. >> Stephen: A FAMILY OF
COMMERCIAL FISHERMEN. YOU WORKED WITH THEM, RIGHT.
THAT WAS ONE OF THE JOBS YOU DID.
THAT'S A HARD JOB. >> YEAH, 13 TO 21.
I'D GO BACK AND FORTH IN THE SUMMERS AND WORK ON THE SAME
BOAT. >> Stephen: WHAT KIND OF BOAT.
>> IT WAS AN 80 FOOT PERSANNER. >> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU
KAWCHING? >> SALMON, UP AND DOWNTOWN COAST
FROM, SAY, VANCOUVER ISLAND TO ALASKA.
>> Stephen: THE REASON I'M INTERESTED IN THIS IS BECAUSE,
YOU NOW, OVER PAST YEAR OR SO, SEA SHANTIES HAVE MADE A COME
BACK. AND YOU KNOW-- HAVE YOU HEARD
PEOPLE SINGING SEA SHANTIES ON TIKTOK AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
I LOVE A GOOD SEA SHANTY. I WAS WAY AHEAD ON THIS ONE.
AND THEY'RE MY SPEED. AND YOU WORKED AS A-- YOU WORKED
ON THE SALTY, BRINY DEEP OUT THERE AS A COMMERCIAL FISHERMAN,
AND YOU'RE CANADIAN. AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU KNOW
THE STAN ROGERS SEA SHANTY CLASSIC-- HE'S A CANADIAN FOLK
SINGER, NO LONGER WITH US, UNFORTUNATELY.
"CALLED BARRETT'S PRIVATEERS." ABOUT THE CANADIAN PIRATES.
DO YOU KNOW THE SONG? >> I THINK SO.
>> Stephen: IF I STARTED IT, WOULD YOU JUMP IN.
>> TO SING IT WITH YOU? >> Stephen: YES.
JOHN, CAN YOU GIVE ME A "D" ♪ THE YEAR WAS 1778.
I WISH I WAS IN SHER BROOK NOW ♪ AND A LETTER OF MARK CAME FROM
THE KING ♪ OH, DAMN THEM ALL!
I WAS TOLD ♪ WE'D CRUISE THE SEAS FOR
AMERICAN GOLD ♪ WE'D FIRE NO GUNS,
SHED NO TEARS ♪ BUT I'M A BROKEN MAN
ON A HALIFAX PIER ♪ THE LAST OF BARRETT'S
PRIVATEERS OH, SAID BARRETT, CRIED THE
TOWN. HOW I WISH I WAS IN SHERBROOKE
NOW. ♪ FOR TWENTY BRAVE MEN
ALL FISHERMEN WHO ♪ WOULD MAKE FOR HIM THE
ANTELOPE'S CREW ♪ OH, DAMN THEM ALL!
I WAS TOLD ♪ WE'D CRUISE THE SEAS FOR
AMERICAN GOLD ♪ WE'D FIRE NO GUNS,
SHED NO TEARS ♪ BUT I'M A BROKEN MAN
ON A HALIFAX PIER ♪ THE LAST OF BARRETT'S
PRIVATEERS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MICHAEL BUBLE. THE ALBUM, "HIGHER," IS
AVAILABLE MARCH 25. STICK AROUND FOR A PERFORMANCE
FROM MICHAEL BUBLE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROSE
MATAFEO! ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) WELCOME BACK.
EVERYBODY. MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN AND
ACTOR WHO CREATED, WROTE, AND STARS IN THE SERIES,
"STARSTRUCK." >> THIS IS YOUR HANDWRITING.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> NO, NO, NO.
DO NOT READ THIS. >> WHY DID YOU SEND ME A
LETTER-- OKAY. >> SO I MAY HAVE SENT A FEW
LETTERS TO PEOPLE WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING THE COUNTRY
FOREVER. >> AND WHAT SORT OF EMOTIONAL
SPACE WERE YOU IN AT THE TIME? >> NOT A GREAT ONE.
>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"ROSE MATAFEO!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> HELLO! >> Stephen: SO NICE TO HAVE
YOU HERE. >> SO LOVELY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND THIS IS YOUR FIRST AMERICAN
LATE-NIGHT INTERVIEW. >> IT IS, IT IS, IT'S A
PLEASURE. >> Stephen: HONORED, HONORED.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR JOINING US HERE.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE-- ( APPLAUSE )
HOW AM I HERE? >> Stephen: BECAUSE YOU'RE
REALLY FUNNY. THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
>> STOP IT! >> Stephen: YOU'RE FROM NEW
ZEALAND, FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO DON'T KNOW.
>> WHAT? >> Stephen: EXACTLY.
IT'S NOT A BIG PLACE. >> IT REALLY-- YOU'VE BEEN.
>> Stephen: I'VE BEEN SEVERAL TIMES.
I LOVE IT THERE. >> DO YOU LOVE IT.
>> Stephen: I WOULD GO BACK IN A MINUTE?
>> OH, WOULD YOU. >> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING--
DO ALL THE CELEBRITIES IN NEW ZEALAND KNOW EACH OTHER?
LIKE, DO YOU HANG OUT-- I WANT I WENT TO THE PRIME MINISTER'S
HOUSE AND WENT FOR A LITTLE GRILL IN THE BACKYARD, AND
LOUDER WAS THERE. THEY ALL KNOW EACH OTHER.
>> >> I DON'T WANT TO ADD TO THE
STEREOTYPE THAT NEW ZEALAND IS SO SMALL THAT EVERYONE KNOWS
EACH OTHER, BUT, YEAH, IT IS. I KNOW JACINDA, SHE WAS THE
CULTURE AND ARTS MINISTER OF NEW ZEALAND.
AND I DO IMPROV COMEDY. >> Stephen: YOU DO IMPROV
COMEDY? >> I DON'T WANT TO OUT MYSELF.
>> Stephen: DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW?
>> I CAN NEVER TELL THEM. SHE DID, LIKE, MONOLOGUES AND
STUFF. >> Stephen: SHE WOULD GET UP
AND DO A MONOLOGUE BEFORE YOU DID A SET AS INSPIRATION?
>> HER VARIESES, WHAT WAS SHE DOING.
>> Stephen: AS PRIME MINISTER--
>> AS PRIME MINISTER. IT WAS WILD.
YOU WANT A PRIME MINISTER WHO -- >> Stephen: WE NEED BETTER
RULERS OVER HERE. >> YEAH, YEAH.
IMAGINE. >> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT
"STARSTRUCK." >> YES.
CONTEXTUALIZE ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHO
I AM. >> Stephen: IT'S A SHOW ON HBO
MAX THAT YOU WROTE, YOU CREATED, YOU STAR IN.
PEOPLE LOVE IT. IT'S VERY FUNNY.
IT'S A ROM-COM. WHAT INSPIRED YOU?
DID YOU LOVE THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES?
>> I WAS A TEENAGER OBSESSED WITH ROMANTIC COMEDIES.
THERE WAS A POINT IN MY LIFE WHEN I WAS 17 YEARS OLD WHERE I
WOULD WATCH "BRIDGET JOANS' DIARY" EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED.
LAUGH THROUGH THE TEARS. I WOULD SKIP TO THE GOOD BITS
EVERY NIGHT. IT WAS-- I THINK IT GAVE ME A
VERY STRANGE, UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION OF WHAT LOVE WOULD
BE WHEN I GREW UP. BUT IT DID INSPIRE ME TO WRITE A
ROM-COM, WHEN I EVENTUALLY GOT TO LEGAL AGE.
I WAS OBSESSED WITH ROM-COMS AND WHEN IT CAME TO WRITING
SOMETHING COULD BE IN, I WAS LIKE YEAH, I'M GOING TO WRITE
MYSELF IN. IT'S PAMET THETIC WRITING YOUR
OPEN ROM-COM. YOU'RE FLIRTING WITH YOURSELF
WHEN YOU'RE RIGHTING IT. YOU'RE WRITING A SCIPT, "I SAID
THIS, HAHA." AND HE SAYS, "THAT'S SO FUNNY,
HAHA." AND I SAID WHAT IS THIS, IT'S SO
GROSS. >> Stephen: WHAT'S GROCER, NOT
GETTING IT RIGHT. >> WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR
SOMETIMES. PLEASE WATCH IT.
PLEASE, PLEASE. >> Stephen: PLEASE WATCH IT.
WE'LL GET THAT AT THE END. I WANT TO ASK YOU ONE THING,
BACK TO NEW ZEALAND FOR A SECOND.
YOUR NATIONAL DESSERT IS SOMETHING CALLED A PAF LOAFA.
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS HERE?
>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT A PAVLOVA IS?
>> IT'S LIKE A MERINGUE DESSERT. OKAY, THIS IS-- YOU'RE PULLING
OUT THE BIG GUNS HERE. THIS IS MY NAN, JESSIE.
YOU DO AN AW. LOOK CLOSER AT THAT DESSERT.
THIS IS WHEN WE CAME OUT OF LOCKDOWN, AND SHE MADE A
COVID-19-THEMED, C19. LOOK HOW PROUD SHE IS.
LOOK AT THAT LITTLE FACE. AND IT WAS DELICIOUS AS WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU?
WHY ARE YOU ALL SO INTO THE MERINGUE?
>> I DON'T KNOW. IT'S A NATIONAL THING.
I DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE PAVLOVA THAT MUCH.
>> Stephen: CRUNCHY SWEG EGG. >> SURPRISING THEY DIDN'T GO
WITH THAT NAME FOR THE DESSERT, CRUNCHY SWEET EGG.
SHE'S MY NAMESAKE IN THE SHOW. >> Stephen: I HAVE TO LEGALLY
ASK ANYBODY FROM NEW ZEALAND IF THEY'RE REQUESTED LORD OF THE
RINGS "FAN. >> I HOPED YOU ASKED.
I AM, STEPHEN. I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE AS MUCH OF A
NERD. MUR MORE OF A NERD-- I'M SORRY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S AN HONOR. YOU NEE NEEDN'T APOLOGIZE.
I TAKE IT. IT'S A CROWN I WEAR.
>> I USED TO TAPE MY EARS TO LOOK LIKE ELF EARS AND GET MY
HAIR STUCK IN THE TAPE AND CUT MY OWN HAIR TO GET IT OUT OF IT.
I DID EVERY HOBBIT NAME GENERATOR ON THE INTERNET.
GOLDIE OVERHILL OF NO BOTTLE. I WAS OBSESSED.
I-- I WAS SO-- I LOVED "THE HOBBIT" BECAUSE I WAS VERY MUCH
OF THE AGE. WHEN I WAS NINE OR 10 I READ IT.
I WAS SO OBSESSED WITH THE HOBBIT.
I WAS READING "THE HOBBIT" AS I WAS EATING POTATO CHIPS, AS ONE
DOES. I REMEMBER I MARKED ONE OF THE
PAGES WITH THE GREASE FROM THE POTATO CHIPS-- WHY AM I TELLING
THIS ON THIS SHOW? IT'S PRETTY WEIRD.
>> Stephen: ON PURPOSE? >> NO BY ACCIDENT.
I WAS SO BEREST, I WROTE A CONTRACT WITH MYSELF THEY WOULD
NEVER EAT THAT FLAVOR OF CHIP AGAIN IN MY LIFE.
AND I NEVER DID. ( LAUGHTER )
THOSE CHIPS AT A PARTY, AND I WAS LIKE, "THEY HAVE TO LEAVE."
>> Stephen: CAN I ASK WHAT FLAVOR IT WAS?
>> IT WAS LIKE A BAKED POTATO FLAVORED CHIP CALLED "THE
WORKS." IT'S DISCONTINUED NOW.
SOMETHING IN IT. ( LAUGHTER ).
OUT OF THE MARKET. >> LOVED IT.
I WAS OBSESSED WITH "LORD OF THE RINGS."
I>> Stephen: IS THERE A SENSE I'M FROM NEW ZEALAND, CAN I BE A
FAN OF "LORD OF THE RINGS?" >> IT CAME AT THE PERFECT TIME
FOR ME TO BE OBSESSED WITH IT. I HAD SUCH A CRUSH ON LEGALES
AND ARLEN AT THE SAME TIME. >> Stephen: SURE, GET IN LINE.
>> STOP IT. >> Stephen: I GOT TO MEET
THOSE PEOPLE. >> DID YOU?
>> Stephen: IT'S VERY HARD TO LOOK AT THEM.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING? >> Stephen: I DO A TV SHOW AND
THEY COME ON AND SIT THERE. >> WHAT WERE THEY LIKE?
HOW TALL WERE THEY? >> Stephen: NOT AS TALL AS YOU
THINK. >> REALLY?
>> Stephen: NO ONE IN SHOW BUSINESS IS.
>> HOW TALL ARE YOU. >> Stephen: YOU'RE TALLER
THANE THOUGHT? >> AM I.
>> Stephen: CAN I SEE THE SHOES?
NOT TOO MUCH. >> I USED TO HAVE A CELEBRITY
HEIGHT CHART. >> Stephen: YOU HAD A
CELEBRITY HEIGHT CHART CAN? >> YES.
>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
>> NO, I MADE IT. SO --
>> Stephen: THAT'S THE SORT OF THING WHEN THE INVESTIGATORS
COME IN THEY GO, "YEAH, THIS IS THE MURDERER.
THIS IS THE MURDERER. SHE WAS LOOKING FOR A LONG THIGH
BONE." >> THAT CHECKS OUT.
WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER I WAS QUITE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT MY
HEIGHT. WHAT I WOULD DO IN MY DIARY, I
WOULD-- I COLLECTED CELEBRITY HEIGHTS AND THE DIFFERENCE IN
CENTIMETERS OF THEM TO ME. SO MAYBE ONE DAY I WOULD MEET
THEM AND I WOULDN'T GET A SURPRISE.
AND I'LL ADD YOU, IF YOU WANT. >> Stephen: I'M 5'11".
HOW DOES THAT STACK UP? >> IT'S REALLY GOOD.
>> Stephen: IS IT A GOOD ONE. >> I THINK NICOLLE KIDMAN AND
CAMERON DIAZ, MAY BE SIMILAR. >> Stephen: WE'RE VERY
SIMILAR. ( LAUGHTER )
LOVELY IT MEET YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: SEASON TWO OF "STARSTRUCK" PREMIERES MARCH
24 ON HBO MAX. ROSE MATAFEO, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY MICHAEL BUBLEÉ.
AND NOW PERFORMING
"MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE" WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN FROM HIS
ALBUM, "HIGHER," MICHAEL BUBLEÉ!
♪ WHEN THE RAIN IS BLOWING IN YOUR FACE
♪ AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS ON YOUR CASE
♪ I COULD OFFER YOU A WARM EMBRACE
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ WHEN THE EVENING SHADOWS AND
THE STARS APPEAR ♪ AND THERE IS NO ONE THERE TO
♪ I COULD HOLD YOU FOR A MILLION YEARS
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ I KNOW YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR
MIND UP YET BUT I WOULD NEVER DO YOU WRONG
♪ I'VE KNOWN IT FROM THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
♪ NO DOUBT IN MY MIND WHERE YOU BELONG
♪ I'D GO HUNGRY, I'D GO BLACK AND BLUE
♪ I'D GO CRAWLING DOWN THE AVENUE
♪ NO, THERE'S NOTHING THAT I WOULDN'T DO
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ THE STORMS ARE RAGING ON THE
ROLLING SEA AND ON THE HIGHWAY OF REGRET
♪ THOUGH WINDS OF CHANGE ARE THROWING WILD AND FREE
♪ YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING LIKE ME YET
♪ I COULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, MAKE YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE
NOTHING THAT I WOULD NOT DO ♪ GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH
FOR YOU ♪ TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE
TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU. CHECK OUT ANOTHER PERFORMANCE
FROM HIM ON colbertlateshow.com. MICHAEL BUBLE, EVERYBODY!
THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW." JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT. JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN!